Everything You Need to Know About Sex After Divorce

Getting back out there may seem tricky, but we’ve got ways to keep your mind and body healthy and happy.

Are you recently (or not so recently) divorced and out there in the dating world for the first time in, well, what feels like forever? Getting to the part of a new relationship where you take off your clothes can be challenging, or even downright intimidating. That’s where we come in. From our viewpoints as medical pros—Lauren Streicher is an ob/gyn and her daughter Rachel Zar is a relationship and sex therapist—we can help you navigate the tricky mind and body issues that arise.

Get over your anxiety around dating

Many people assume that relationship and sex therapists only focus on people in committed relationships, but many of my single (or newly single!) clients are actually sorting through the complexities of dating—from choosing the right app to choosing the right partner. And as women get older, anxiety around dating goes up. Maybe it’s been years since your last first date (and now you have to learn how to swipe?!), or your internal clock is ticking, or it simply seems more complicated now to find someone to have fun and socialize with.

Still, there are many reasons why dating gets better with age. First of all, those rumors you’ve heard about the dating pool shrinking are a myth; in fact, right now there’s the largest population of single adults in history (chalk it up to the increased acceptability of divorce as well as more people staying unmarried by choice).

But let’s say you’re over 40—libido and sexual pleasure go down with the years, right? Wrong! Research shows that 53% to 79% of older adults who have a partner are sexually active, and it turns out age and menopausal status are not significantly related to overall sexual satisfaction. Even most sexually active adults over 60 are satisfied. Age often comes with an added dose of self-understanding, which does wonders to counter issues caused by the anxiety of our younger years.

Dating gracefully at any age can be difficult. The biggest issues I see single women struggle with—whether they are new at the dating game or have been doing it for years—are confidence and communication.

Limit your online stalking to a quick search

By the time you’re well into adulthood, bringing someone new into your life doesn’t just mean getting a plus-one for parties and regular sex; it also means fitting another human’s habits, friendships, schedules, and past on top of your own. Dating and relationships are all about that give-and-take—and compromise is trickier and a little uncomfortable when we’re set in our ways.

Knowing this may send you straight to Google before each date to try and prejudge whether he (or she) will be compatible with you—but that’s a surefire way to kill the thrill of getting to know someone new. If you’re meeting a person from a dating app or as a blind setup, there’s no harm in doing a quick search to make sure he actually exists and isn’t on any terrifying registries. But I caution my clients away from getting sucked into the online wormhole. Think of how you would feel if, before a first date, this new person had already been judging your past partners on Facebook, scrutinizing your job history on LinkedIn, and even scrolling through your high school yearbook (yes, many of these are online now). Some of the fun of dating is letting information roll out slowly over time and staying curious about each other. Jumping to the finish line takes away the mystery (an important component of eroticism and attraction). It also doesn’t allow you or your date to pick and choose how and when you share certain information.

Decide how and when to disclose your “baggage”

 

Deciding when to reveal not-as-much-fun details to a new partner—from past heartbreaks to current hardships—is complicated. And the older we are, the more baggage we accumulate. But how soon is too soon to share your most private truths?

Let’s start with the basics: When it comes to sharing information about sexually transmitted infections, a good rule is to do so before things go below the belt. Yes, you know the odds of passing on that well-managed, yet still very real herpes infection you caught in college are low, but it’s still important to let your partner know before there’s any chance he could be infected. Potential sexual partners will take cues from you on how they’re expected to react, so if you do your homework, have your facts ready, and calmly mention it and assure him you’re on top of it, he’ll be more likely to respond calmly too.

What about other life issues you aren’t sure about sharing? The etiquette around that kind of information gets trickier, so your best bet is to trust your gut. I’ve worked with clients who feel that all their “stuff” (say, a diagnosis of depression, an aging parent they care for, or a history of abuse) must be put out there on a first date so potential mates know what they’re getting into. But remember, emotional safety is just as important as physical safety; sharing sensitive pieces of yourself should only be done with those who have earned that right. If a new suitor you don’t yet trust reacts strongly to an early share or an over-share, it may leave you feeling raw. My advice is to start lighter and gauge how safe you feel with a person before you reveal your most vulnerable aspects—and then when you do, you can assess whether he’s a good match for you. If he judges you for seeing a therapist, he’s not going to be a supportive partner long-term. If he freaks over the idea of visiting your dad’s retirement home, he may be fine for a casual relationship but not a good fit if you want something serious.

Rediscover what feels good in bed

Revealing your private parts is a big step in any dating relationship, one that should be handled with confidence and care. The great thing about having a little more experience is that you may have developed a better understanding of your body—of what feels good, of what feels great, and of what feels oh-my-God fantastic. If this doesn’t apply to you, there’s no time like the present! Give yourself a massage in the bathtub and focus on how your body feels instead of how it looks. (Scrutinizing every stretch mark and wrinkle isn’t sexy.) Notice that stroking your inner thigh gives you goosebumps or that your nipples are extra sensitive. Knowledge breeds acceptance, and acceptance breeds excitement. The more you know about your unique body, the more you’ll be able to communicate to your partner.

That communication is what separates mediocre lovers from great ones: Studies have shown that couples who talk about their sexual wants and needs report higher satisfaction. Once you know what works for you in bed, let partners know with a direct conversation (most people really want this information!). Tell them where you like to be touched, what kind of touch you love, and any specific acts you know lead to bliss. A simple “harder,” “slower,” or “more to the right” can do wonders in the heat of a moment. And if it’s difficult to find your voice, your hand can be a great guide.

Whether it’s online, on a first date, or in the bedroom, the more you’re able to really show up—being honestly and authentically you—the more success you’ll find and the more fun you’ll have with the new people in your life.
Protect yourself (and your partner) from STIs

When you become sexually active with a new partner after a divorce, the reality is that unless he (or she) is a virgin, you need to think about avoiding a sexually transmitted infection (STI). And midlife women are at much greater risk for STIs than most people appreciate—many of my patients seem to think chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes are limited to 20- and 30-year-olds who are having random hookups. Trust me, it’s not as if these bugs ask to see proof of age before infecting someone.

Another thing to know: Women are at higher risk than men, since STIs are more easily passed from male to female than vice versa. In fact, if exposed, a woman is more likely than a man to contract hepatitis B, gonorrhea, or HIV. The risk is even higher for postmenopausal women, since thin vaginal walls are more likely to get microscopic tears during intercourse, creating an easy portal for infection. Women who have common STIs are less likely to have symptoms than men, which means diagnosis is often delayed or missed.

That’s why the age group in which STI rates are rising most rapidly is that of adults at midlife and beyond. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that the rate of gonorrhea cases among U.S. women ages 40 to 64 increased over 60% between 2013 and 2016. Chlamydia and syphilis are also on the rise.

A lot of women are reassured by the fantasy that the typical midlife guy is “low-risk,” especially if he’s just ended a long marriage. That’s true if he and his wife were monogamous—but a lot of marriages end because someone wasn’t monogamous. And if you’ve had the thought, I’m not worried…he’s a nice guy, I’ve got news for you. Sometimes the nice guys are the ones most likely to have an infection. Face it: Creepy guys probably have a harder time getting someone to sleep with them.

The solution? Know your enemy (the bugs, not the guys) and protect yourself.

Don’t be a “just this once” person

 

Here’s what you may have told yourself: I’ll always insist on a condom, so I have nothing to worry about, right? Not really. Condoms are not foolproof. First of all, HPV, herpes, and a number of other STIs live not in semen but on skin, so intercourse isn’t necessary to transmit them. Since a condom covers only the penis, short of strapping on a garbage bag to cover a man’s scrotum, anus, and surrounding skin, there is no such thing as total protection.

Still, using a condom consistently remains the best way to lower your risk of getting an STI. But studies show that single women in midlife with new partners rarely report consistent condom use. (I even hear this from my very responsible, hyperaware patients.) For those who are over 40, here’s one possible reason: Women over 40 are generally dating (surprise!) men over 40. Sometimes way over 40. In general, the older a guy gets, the more difficulty he has in getting and maintaining an erection, even in the best of scenarios. Add a few glasses of wine and a condom, and it’s game over.

So while my patients all intend to use condoms, they often don’t. I see and treat a lot of infections in women who decided to skip the condom “just this once.”

Don’t be one of those women—and don’t depend on a man to be prepared. You should have an assortment of male condoms on hand. (Be sure they are all marked “extra-large”!)

The female condom hasn’t caught on yet, but it’s a very viable option. A soft, thin nonlatex sheath, it’s designed to not only cover the cervix and vaginal walls but also shield the outside of the vagina. No special fitting is needed: One size fits everybody.

As my daughter said, talking to a partner about your respective STI histories and current status is key. To do this, you need to be screened—especially important since the majority of these infections have no symptoms in their earliest stages. Despite what you may think, screening for STIs is not done automatically when you go to your doctor, nor is it part of a Pap test. So if your doctor doesn’t bring it up, you need to ask. There’s no need to go into lengthy explanations; simply say, “I’d like a screen for sexually transmitted infections today.” Your doctor will not be shocked. Really.

Okay, now you’ve got both the mind and the body prep from us—go out there and have some fun!

Complete Article HERE!

REVIEW: My Life on the Swingset

Hey sex fans!

Have I got some marvelous news for you! My friend and colleague, Cooper S. Beckett, has written a new book.  It impressed me no end so I thought, rather than keep this all to myself, I’d share it with you.

Ya’ll remember Cooper, right? OK, maybe ya don’t; it’s been a long time since he was last seen skulking around my site. Way back in March of 2011 I had the pleasure of welcoming Cooper and his ever so lovely sidekick, Ginger, to my Sex EDGE-U-cation show for a two-part interview. You can find both parts in the Podcast Archive HERE and HERE!

Cooper and Ginger are the hosts of the Life On The Swingset podcasts, where they discuss a wide range of topics, with a focus on consensual non-monogamy. swingset

Cooper’s new book: My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory, is a collection of essays on…wait for it…his personal journey through ethical non-monogamy. This is what he says about it in the Introduction:

You should read this book because it represents my journey. From starry-eyed newbie swinger, through my dealing with jealousy and conflict, through the triumphs of orgies and play parties, through the devastation of breaking up, through exploring polyamory, through divorce, through major life changes, through depression, through success and failure, through the rise and fall of new relationships.

Triumphs of orgies?? How you do go on, sir!

It’s no secret that Cooper is unabashedly biased when it comes to swinging, polyamory, as well as other forms of ethical non-monogamy. And why shouldn’t he be? As he plainly states he has grown in his appreciation of himself and his sexuality in the process. Now, how many of us can make a similar claim? However, in his enthusiasm, he doesn’t gloss over the difficulties. He speaks honestly and earnestly about this particular way to live one’s life. He describes the opportunities that allow for growth in terms of understanding one’s sexuality and one’s loving relationships through experimentation and self-reflection.

To my mind, there is nothing more compelling than a “coming out” story. It’s one thing to quietly self-identify as a fellow big-fat-pervert, as I am apt to say on my podcasts, it’s quite another to tell the whole world. I am pleased to welcome Cooper to the Out-There-Come-What-May club.  It’s good to have you here, my friend.

One of my favorite chapters in the book is titled: Bi The Way – Male Bisexuality and Swinging. Cooper, Ginger, and I talked about this very thing, at length, in our podcast together. So it was delightful to find him exploring this concept in print as well.

There is a huge double standard in the swinging lifestyle when it comes to acceptance of bisexual males. We all know this, it’s endemic. As swingers we seem perfectly happy that our women are bisexual. We encourage and expect them to be so often. Some more than others, but by and large, definitely bisexual. Now don’t jump down my throat here, I’m well aware that straight swinging females exist, and probably in a decent sized number, but wouldn’t we all agree that the VAST majority of females in the lifestyle are bi? This fact isn’t really shocking, as even the mainstream vanilla world has embraced girl-on-girl dalliance action in the past ten to fifteen years. So when a lifestyle such as swinging presents itself as an option, affording them the opportunity to play with girls, well, there ya go, that’s where the bi girl inside comes out. Many of the swing couples I’ve met said that this was one of the prominent reasons they got into this lifestyle in the first place. So Mrs. could play with another woman. You raise the call for bisexual males, however, and tumbleweeds blow by. Invisible because it’s been made very clear in club and party rules and pricing that a man who wants to play with another man is an unwelcome addition to the scene. This doesn’t make sense.

See why I like Cooper so much?

Another thing I liked a lot about the book, and I think every reader will echo my feelings about this, is Cooper’s thoughtful addition of a glossary of pertinent lingo. If you don’t know the difference between a Full Swap and a Soft Swap or don’t know PIV and PIA from a hole in your head (someone’s gonna appreciate that pun, don’t cha know), not to worry because Cooper takes great pains to spell it out for you.

On a personal note, I want to say a special thanks to Cooper for his chapter titled: Podcasting Can be Lonely. I thought I was the only person who thought this way.

Podcasting can be a lonely pursuit at times. You predominantly interact with people that don’t have physicality in your world. They’re avatars, they’re ones and zeros. They exist for real somewhere, of course. (Most of them, there are the bots after all.) But few exist beyond text on a screen. Writing for a website is the same way. It’s a lot of work, and a tremendous output of self. We sex bloggers reveal so much to so many people (at least we hope for “so many”) and can often get to wondering if we’re just shouting into the void.

Funny, erotic, thought provoking, authentic, and true. My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory raises the bar for all of us who are trying to live honest ethical non-monogamy and talk with others about our experiences. Cooper Beckett, you are an inspiration!

My Life on the Swingset is available exclusively as an Amazon Kindle e-book. A print edition will follow later this month. And be sure to look for the audiobook release in the spring. Check it out, sex fans; you’ll be so glad you did.

Come As You Are

Name: Valeri
Gender: Female
Age: 38
Location: Dubuque IA
Dr Dick: I just went through a very painful divorce. My husband of 18 years up and decided that he wanted to start over…in a new job, in a new state with a new girlfriend, someone 12 years his junior. I must be completely blind, because I didn’t see any of this coming. Sure we had our problems, what marriage doesn’t? I want to move on too, but I feel so stuck. I feel like this big loser. The few tentative forays into dating have been horrible. Every guy I meet is this lying sack of shit. Sorry, does that sound too bitter? HELP!

Damn girl, that’s fucked…big time! It’s hell when relationships go belly-up, and I don’t care if they are business relationships or relationships of the heart. If there’s an established bond of trust that is broken it’s gonna smart. And when the bond is broken unilaterally, it’s even worse. But what can you expect when you’re dealing with humans.

Surviving a break-up is not unlike surviving a death. In fact, the demise of a relationship is very much a death in every sense of the word. I believe that any relationship worth talking about has a life of its own; you see, it’s greater then the sum of its parts. I gotta tell ya, I see a lot of this in my private practice. A couple drags in their relationship and it’s immediately apparent that it’s on life support. They’ve actively throttled the relationship to within an inch of its life, and they want me to fix it. Most of the time the option to “fix” has long passed. All we can hope to do, at this point, is preside over the death of the thing, providing its passing with as much dignity as possible. But to tell the truth, when a relationship is in such grave condition, and there is very little good will left between the partners, sadly there’s not gonna be a lot of dignity when the thing finally expires. It breaks my heart, but what are ya gonna do?

Many years ago a therapist working with sick and dying people wrote a book called, On Death and Dying. In it the author, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, identified five stages of dying — 1. Denial: The initial stage: “It can’t be happening.” 2. Anger: “Why ME? This is so unfair!” 3. Bargaining: “Just let me live to see my son graduate.” 4. Depression: “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?” 5. Acceptance: “It’s going to be OK.”

I find it helpful to use these same identifiable stages to talk about the end of a relationship, particularly a relationship that ends unilaterally. If you don’t mind I’d like to walk through these stages with you so that you can see how applicable they are to someone in your situation.

Grieving the death of a loved one, or a relationship, involves the whole of us — our physical, emotional and social selves. We have to relearn, or cognitively adjust to, our new self without the loved one or relationship. Moving through the end of things is hard to work. And to survive it; we need be patient with ourselves. You, on the other hand, seem to be having a particular problem with this since you say you feel like a loser. That kind of mindset is not going be particularly helpful. So, if you can please jettison that kind of thinking. Or at least try to have a bit more compassion for yourself. Maybe you could shelf that self-deprecation for a while, until you get your bearings once again.

A person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and so she rejects it instead, insisting that it can’t possibly be true despite overwhelming evidence. This is Stage 1 — Denial! “Honey, I’m moving out. I’m getting a new job in a new state. Oh, and I have this new, much younger girlfriend too.” “This can’t be happening! Sure we’ve had our troubles, I’ll grant you that. But so does every relationship.” Denying the reality of the unpleasant fact may actually serve a purpose. It’s a coping mechanism for dealing with something overwhelming and too shocking to take in at once.

We have a gut-wrenching emotional response to the injustice, humiliation, and betrayal. This is Stage 2 — Anger. Depending on the kind of person we are, we may actively express our anger by lashing out verbally or physically. Or we may passively express our anger — turning it inward becoming silent, sulking or passive-aggressive. We may even consider harming our self as a way of punishing the other.

We try to fix what’s wrong. This is Stage 3 — Bargaining. “We can make this work! I’ll change, I promise! I know I can make you happy. Stay for the sake of the kids. What will the neighbors say? This will kill your mother! What does she have that I don’t have? You’ll never be able to show your face in this town again.” Hmmm, does any of this sound familiar, Valeri?

All our efforts to reverse the inevitable course of things leave us emotionally drained and exhausted. This is Stage 4 — Depression. Why bother with anything — family, friends, work, personal appearances, whatever — life as we knew it is over. We can’t seem to project ourselves beyond the ending of things. In the bleakness we often begin to self-medicate. A little too much food, booze, drugs? As if depression is not punishing enough, we often pile it on. I’ve heard some many people say; “hurting myself is the only thing that makes me feel I’m still alive.”

Slowly we begin to regroup. Maybe it’s through sheer willpower, or the interventions of friends and family, or maybe it’s just time itself. But we stop resisting and move toward acquiescence. This is Stage 5 — Acceptance. We stop resisting what we cannot change. Even if the end was un-chosen, undesired and inescapable, we can still willingly choose to accept it.

I hasten to add that these stages are guidelines. They are not presented in the order that they always happen. Nor is one stage predicated on the other. How long a person is in one stage or another is situational. However, I do hope this was helpful. What is certain is you will experience a wide range of feelings and emotions.

Some suggest the therapy of keeping yourself busy as a means of healing and moving on. This may sound elemental, but it’s not as easy as it seems. Most of us tend to wallow in our misery. We are way too indulgent with sitting on the pitty-pot. While you definitely need time to recover from the divorce, this period of heartache will have an end. And ends of things always led to beginnings of other things.

You now have certain freedoms that you may not have had while you were married. Once the initial period of grieving is over, it is important to jump back into life. Become more involved in your social group. Going out might seem unappealing at first, but it’s better than staying home and feeling sorry for yourself. If you’re only dating assholes, I’ll bet you’re fishing in the wrong holes, so to speak. The internet makes it so much easier to connect with quality people of ever stripe. Use this tool wisely. May I suggest that you start by connecting with people with similar interests as you, rather than posting a profile and photos on a dating site.

Of course, it is necessary to have some time with yourself to realize that you can survive and even be happy without your dick of a husband. The secret to successful grieving is that you need to feel the pain in order to get through it. Therefore, using drugs (prescription or recreational) and alcohol to numb yourself only make things worse.

You might consider working with a therapist to help you understand why your relationship ended. With a little luck you’ll learn how to avoid blaming yourself for the demise. No one is without fault, and your husband definitely has more than his share. But blaming him for everything will do you no good. You are neither totally to blame, nor are you the helpless victim. Lingering at either extreme will rob you of your self-esteem.

At first, being single might seem weird or even unappealing. But being single has its perks. Being single allows you to focus on you and take better care of yourself. And what better way to do that then by reconnecting with your sexual-self. Masturbation is gonna be your best friend during this transition period. Lavish time and pleasure on yourself. You’re worth it! Indulge yourself; instead of chocolate, get yourself a supped up vibrator and kick that thing into first gear, maybe even second! By spending more private sexual time with yourself, you’ll reconnect with who you are and what you want. This will make it easier for you to later choose a partner who can and will satisfy your needs.

Good luck

Sex Advice With An Edge — Podcast #32 — 09/24/07

[Look for the podcast play button below.]

Hey sex fans,

I have a really swell show for you today. We have several very interesting questions from the sexually worrisome. And I respond with an equal number of lively, affable and oh so informative responses! Hey, it’s what I do.

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT — Guess what? drdicksexadvice.com had hit a huge milestone. As of this morning, we’ve exceeded 100,000 unique visitors to the site since it’s premiere last February! Damn, ya’ll make me so proud!

  • Valeri got the shaft from her dick of a husband!
  • Darren is a wheelchair bound vet looking to get laid.
  • Mikhall keeps having wet dreams! WTF?

BE THERE, OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s dr dick’s toll free podcast voicemail. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question? No time to write? Give dr dick a call at (866) 422-5680. Again, the TOLL FREE voicemail number is (866) 422-5680. DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY !

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the health section under the subheading — Sexuality. Or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice With An Edge. And don’t forget to subscribe. I don’t want you to miss even one episode.

Say, would you like to become a sponsor for one or more of my weekly sex advice podcasts? As you know, I plug a product or service at the beginning and end of each show. Each podcast has its own posting on my site along with the name of the podcast sponsor and a banner for the product or service.

The beauty part about this unique opportunity is that once a sponsor’s ad is included in a particular podcast that sponsor is embedded there forever.

Your sponsorship also underscores your social conscience. Your marketing dollars will not only got to promote your product, but you will be doing so while helping to disseminate badly needed sex education and sexual enrichment messages. Simply put, ya just can’t get a better bang for your advertising buck!

For further information, contact me at: dr_dick@drdicksexadvice.com

Today’s podcast is once again bought to you by: DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.q.jpg