Category Archives: Coming Out

The Root of Our Discomfort

Name: Maya
Gender:
Age: 28
Location: UK
Hi there! I recently found out that my brother in law is gay. I wanted to know what makes people gay? Is it choice, genes, hormones, etc? Please clarify because his condition and opposition to his choice of sexuality has made him depressed and he’s on antidepressants and not very healthy. Please answer.

Back in 2007 Solon.com featured a little piece called: Don’t Ask the Sexperts in their annual sex issue: State of the Sexual Union. Slate asked seven people who earn their livings thinking and writing about sex, what they’ve never been able to figure out about sex or sexuality.

One of the contributors was Dr. Ruth Westheimer. She’s the author of 31 books about sex and relationships. This what she said still remained a mystery to her.

“I’m sure there are many, but one nagging one is what causes homosexuality. I admit, I am curious—but the real importance in getting to the bottom of this question is that the answer would be helpful to the homosexual community. I suspect that the cause is genetic, which would mean all those people who say that gays and lesbians can change to become heterosexual would have to sing another tune. Instead of trying to “fix” a situation that doesn’t require fixing, they would have to learn to accept homosexuals. But I am not a scientist, so I can’t set about finding out the etiology, the cause of homosexuality. All I can do is act as a cheerleader to encourage scientists to come up with the answer.”

I was astounded when I read Dr Ruth’s comment. Here is one of the most popular names in the field of human sexuality saying such a startling thing. It’s not that she misrepresented the state of scientific inquiry into the issue of sexual orientation. What she said is true. We don’t precisely know what “causes” homosexuality, but more importantly…and this is what she leaves out…we haven’t a clue what “causes” any sexual orientation — straight, gay, bi, what have you.

What troubled me so about Dr Ruth’s comment is that, perhaps inadvertently, she perpetuates the myth that homosexuality (as opposed to say heterosexuality) has a cause. And when she uses the word “cause”, she denotes to her audience that there’s a cure. All I want to say is that if there’s a “cause” for homosexuality, there is certainly a “cause” for heterosexuality. If there would ever be a “cure” for homosexuality, there would certainly then be a “cure” for heterosexuality.

Do you see how obvious and pervasive the prejudices of the dominant culture are? I absolutely expected better from old Dr Ruth, don’t cha know. It’s true that she goes on to say that she thinks the “cause” of homosexuality is genetic, therefore us homos can’t change or be “fixed”. She then suggests, if this IS the case, the dominant culture would then simply have to learn how to accept homosexuals for how they are. I went, HUH???

Dr Ruth, darling, do you honestly believe that if, or more properly, when we discover the determining factors of sexual orientation — and I do believe there are more than one — the sexual bigots among us won’t militate to have the deviant orientations “fixed”? All I can say is to think otherwise shows an alarming naivety about human nature.

When Dr Ruth, or anyone else for that matter, separates out one sexual proclivity from all the others and suggests that it has a cause, whatever it might be, the rest of us run for cover and wait for the other shoe to drop. Imagine if instead of sexual orientation we were speaking about racial or ethnic characteristics. What causes black people? What causes Asian eyes to slant? What causes flat noses? What causes nappy hair? What causes short people?

Well you see where I’m going with this, right Maya? Questions like these presuppose that there is a norm — tall white people with round eyes, perky noses and straight hair. And you know what? There are a multitude industries out there poised to prey upon all the short, non-white people with almond eyes flat noses and nappy hair who feel they must conform to any and all arbitrary and culturally induced norms in order to be happy. It’s shocking.

So on to your brother’s case. If sexual orientation is chosen, why would he have embraced a lifestyle that makes him sick and depressed? It simply doesn’t add up. The self-hatred and internalized homophobia that is at the root of your brother’s discomfort is culturally induced, but it is also self-inflicted. We don’t know what “cause” homosexuality, but I can tell you for certain what causes homophobia. And that, my dear, is bigotry.

It’s up to your bother to fight this first within himself and then in the popular culture with every ounce of his strength. Because that’s what all us well adjusted, comfortable in our own skin queers do if we want to live happy healthy integrated lives. None of us is waiting around for someone to tell us what caused us to be the way we are, because we know that whatever “caused” us caused all the other differences and variations that appear in human kind.

And one final tip for you, Maya — despite your good intentions, the more you indulge your brother’s pathologies and commiserate with him, or wonder aloud with him why he is queer then you are part of the problem, as opposed to being part of the solution. I encourage you to challenge him to buck up and get right with himself. Help him throw off the yoke of his shame and guilt, to own and embrace his uniqueness and celebrate his sexuality, which is his norm.

Good luck

A New Year of Q&A — Podcast #252 — 01/03/11

Hey sex fans,

We’re BAACK, and it’s a brand new year! Did ya’ll have a brilliant holiday season? I sure hope so. And while I really enjoyed my brief winter break from podcasting, I’m eager to get back at it, don’t cha know. During these last two weeks of relative down time, I’ve been busy lining up an amazing array of outstanding guests who will make 2011 another banner year of interviews and conversations.

But today we break open the new year with some hot Q&A action. We haven’t had one of these kinds of shows since mid October. So that means my inbox is overflowing. I also have the pleasure of announcing The Dr Dick Review Crew’s Favorite Products of 2010 list.

Today we hear from:

  • Josiah is having a problem coming out, because his family is super religious.
  • Donna is my kind of perv. She’s into BDSM, but she’s also disabled.
  • The Powerchair Pimp is sick and tired of being a virgin.
  • Arthur wants to hook up with older dudes.
  • Stacy may have orgasmic related migraines.

The Dr Dick Review Crew’s Favorite Products of 2010

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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A Sizzlin Firecracker Of A Q&A Show — Podcast #216 — 07/05/10

Hey sex fans,

I know it’s a holiday weekend here in Americanskiville, and I know I should be hanging out at the pool or barbeque instead of slingin’ my tits over this hot microphone, but I can’t help it. I gotta catch up on all the questions that have been piling up since our last Q&A session back in May. And there’s a shit-load of ‘em don’t cha know.

We hear from:

  • Mike says it takes him too long to get off.
  • Tomas is terrified he might be gay.
  • Astrit has questions about anal douching.
  • Connor has a overly sensitive dickhead.
  • Sharon is very suspicious about FSD, or female sexual dysfunction.
  • Glenda loves giving her husband blowjobs, but he doesn’t cum that way.
  • Angelo is a crossdresser and his wife pegs him in the ass.
  • Bill doesn’t like the advice I give some women.
  • Paul might be a teensy bit queer.
  • Josh has a BF that doesn’t like his foreskin.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

I wanna take a moment to remind you to check out another great website in the Dr Dick family of sites. It’s my new PRODUCT REVIEW site — drdicksextoyreviews.com

That’s right, sex fans, now it’s so easy to see what hot and what’s not in the world of adult products. I review of all kinds of adult related goodies — sex toys for sure, but also condoms, lubes, herbal products, fetish gear as well as educational and enrichment videos. DON’T MISS A SINGLE ONE!

Look for the drdicksextoyreviews.com. You’ll be so glad you did.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

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Debra Christina Darling, Part 2 – Podcast #137 – 07/08/09

Hey sex fans,

We back with Part 2 of my fascinating discussion with the amazing Debra Christina Darling.  Debra self-identifies as a straight drag queen, don’t cha know.  So you can be certain she’ll be dishing out a EC Cruise 004heft dose of attitude with her point of view.

Debra is here as is part of my Sex EDGE-U-cation podcast series, where we look at the world of fetish sex, kink and alternative sexual lifestyles.  We chat with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.

If you some how missed Part 1 of this uninhibited conversation, look for Podcast #135 on my Podcast Page.  You’ll find a tab for that page at the top of DDSA.com.  Or you can use my site’s search function.  Simply type in Podcast #135 and presto!  But don’t forget the # sign.

Debra and I discuss:

  • Why we fetishize women’s clothing.
  • Where one finds women’s clothing to fit a male’s body.
  • How she came to be Debra.
  • Drag Queens we’ve known and loved.
  • Therapeutic crossdressing.
  • Coming out as a crossdresser to family and friends.
  • Support services for crossdressers and transexual folks.

Check out some of these resources: TransSpace, Tri-Ess, A Crossdressers Secret Garden and Cross Dressers Anonymous.

See a slideshow of current and historical crossdressers.

Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=31]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY

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Never a dull moment

Name: David
Gender: male
Age: 36
Location:  Iowa
Dear Dr. Dick I am a 36yr old male, I have come clean with myself and my family about my sexuality about 2 years ago. But before then, I was very much in the closet about my sexuality not only to friends and family but also to myself.To see me or to talk to me you would never know I’m gay, although I believe that this is just a label. I don’t believe I ever want to come out completely. Whenever a conversation comes up at work or I attend a briefing on sexual harassment, there is always a comment about homosexuality, I blush every time this comes up.When I was younger I hid my sexuality and tried to fool myself into thinking I wasn’t. But of course you know that will eat a person alive. I know it did me.  So I sought counseling and paved the way for me coming out to a few close people.Anyway, I still struggle with the issue.  On the outside I’m as straight as ever, but on the inside I’m gay. Do you have any suggestions to help me over this acceptance of myself?coming-out.jpg

Honey, as far as Dr. Dick is concerned you haven’t even begun to come out.  Sorry to be so blunt, but just identifying your sexual preference to a few individuals “coming clean” as you suggest (hey, we’re talkin about being gay here, not confessing to being an ax murderer) is not the moral equivalent of coming out.  If you can’t celebrate your sexuality and, I might add, integrate it into you whole personhood, then you’re not OUT.  PERIOD.

It is true what you say about being in the closet and getting eaten alive in there.  But if you’re queer on the inside (whatever that means) and straight on the outside (God forbid) then you’re still a danger to yourself.  This, is after all, the very definition of schizophrenia, darlin’.

I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you still have loads of shame about who you are.  I encourage you to get back into counseling ASAP until you resolve that.  The world does not need any more fence sitters.  gay-pride.jpgYou’re either gay or you’re not.  You either celebrate that (and I don’t mean waving a flag or parading around like a lunatic) or ya don’t.

I don’t suppose any of us is ever really free of all our own internalized homophobia any more than other oppressed and marginalized minorities can rid themselves of their internalized self-doubt.  No one can completely escape the prejudices and biases that surround them.  But most of us make our way regardless.  That’s why coming out is so important.  It empowers us.  It increases our self-esteem.  Honesty about our life increases our personal integrity.  When we stop hiding or denying this important part of our life we have greater freedom of self-expression.  And we become more available for happy, healthy and honest relationships.  So you see, you have a ways to go.

Name: Liz
Gender: Female
Age: 31
Location: GA
My hubby wants me to have a 3 way with him and another women and I don’t know and I am a little scared I might like it and he wants to have the other women lick me while he plugs her from behind and I am afraid to. We have done a 3 way with him and another guy pound me but they didn’t touch each other so what should I do he has 2 female friends that are willing to try it and I don’t want to lose my hubby so what should I do? — mom in need of help

Very interesting, Liz!  And ahhh, what would be so wrong with you enjoying some hot girl girlongirl.jpgon girl action?  Isn’t that the purpose?  This is where so many men and a whole lot of women are so very different.  Men have more permission to be sexually assertive.  But if you plan on being an equal partner in these sexual adventures, you’d better buck up, darlin’!  To paraphrase the immortal Fats Waller; Find out what you like and how you like it; then make it happen just that way.

Let’s take a closer look at what you tell me about you and your randy husband.  Apparently he has no reservations about asking you to have a 3-way with another chick. He thinks it’ll be hot and he wants to go for it.  He also has no reservations about a 3-way with another guy, just as long as he doesn’t have to interact with the other dude.  You see, he’s pretty clear about what is a turn on for him and he doesn’t hesitate to draw you into his little adventures, does he? Do you just go along with what he dreams up so you don’t lose the big lug?  Or is there something enjoyable in it for you?  I sure hope it’s the later, darling, because we shouldn’t be doing things, particularly sexual things, under duress — either physical or emotional.  If it’s merely a question of perhaps enjoying the attentions of other woman a little too much, I think you’re entitled to that.  You could even keep this your little secret, if you wanted to.

toes-curled.jpgTrying new things can be really fun especially when your playing with people you like and are turned on to.  If you decide to go for it, I suggest the three of you start your encounter by getting a bite to eat together.  A little food and a few cocktails can be a great start to the adventure.  You’ll notice almost immediately that a 2-girl and a guy 3-way is a whole lot different than a 2-guy and a girl 3-way.  No doubt all three of you will be a little nervous, so make this part of the outing sexy fun and flirtatious.  Practice your seduction skills on the other woman.  You will soon discover the sexual hierarchy…and there always is one in these kinds of encounters.  Make sure you are comfortable with all arrangements made and make sure that they are all mutually agreed upon. If there are any ground rules, this is the time to mention them.  The more you discover about your new partner in this non-sexual environment the more prepared you will be for the rest of the evening.  If it were me; I’d want to get a sense of how experienced this other chick is at having a 3-way.  Women tend to be more accommodating in terms of bisexual behaviors than are men folk.  Maybe you could ask her about her sexual fantasies and share some of your own with her.  Just remember, you are an equal partner in this ménage.  I’d certainly make sure that the she knew what turned you on just so everyone is satisfied in the end.

I hope you write back and let me know how the encounter goes.  My interest, of course, is purely scientific, don’t ‘cha know.  But I will want all the gory details.  And a detailed photo essay would also be appreciated.  ;-)

Name: Brian
Gender:
Age: 40
Location: Canada
After a guy ejaculates can he have another ejaculation? Like after I cum if I put on a cock ring will it stay hard enough to continue with intercourse and achieve another orgasm? I basically want to cum twice in a row.

Yep, that’s doable.  All depends on your particular refractory period and how turned on you are.  Let’s take a quick look at the male sexual response cycle again, just so we understand what we’re talkin’ about.  Ok?

The sexual response cycle refers to the sequence of physiological changes that occur as wemale_sexual_response.jpg become sexually aroused and move through to afterglow. The sexual response cycle has four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution. Both women and men experience these phases of course, although the timing usually is very different for each gender.  In addition, the intensity of the response and the time spent in each phase will vary from person to person and from situation to situation. That’s why I say cuming twice in a row is doable.  But is it gonna happen for you?  I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, huh?

Ok, here goes…

Phase 1: Excitement (or the boner stage)

  • Muscle tension increases.
  • Heart rate quickens and breathing accelerates.
  • Our skin may become flushed particularly on our chest and back).
  • Our nipples may become erect.
  • Blood flow to the genitals increases, thus the boner.
  • Our balls swell, our sack tightens, and we may drip precum.  Mmmm, precum!

Phase 2: Plateau (or the strokin’ or pumpin’ stage)

  • Everything in phase 1 intensifies.
  • Our balls may pull up into body cavity.
  • Our breathing, heart rate and blood pressure increase.
  • Our toes curl, face contorts and hands clench.

Phase 3: Orgasm (or the “yabba dabba doo” stage)

  • Involuntary muscle contractions begin.
  • Blood pressure, heart rate and breathing excelerate.
  • There’s a rapid intake of oxygen.
  • Muscles in the feet spasm.
  • There is a sudden, forceful release of sexual tension.
  • Rhythmic contractions of the muscles at the base of our cock result in the ejaculation of spunk.
  • A “sex flush” may appear all over our body.

Phase 4: Resolution (or the “I need a nappy” stage)

  • During this phase, the body slowly returns to its normal level of functioning, and the parts of your body that swelled and engorged return to their previous size and color.
  • This phase is marked by a general sense of well-being, enhanced intimacy and, often, fatigue.
  • Most women are capable of a rapid return to the orgasm phase with further sexual stimulation and may experience multiple orgasms.

Men, on the other hand need a recovery time after orgasm, this period is called the refractory period.  This doesn’t have to be the end of sex.  Like you suggest, a cockring may prohibit your dick from going soft.  But don’t count on an immediate second orgasm, even if your dick stays hard. Don’t forget, the duration of the refractory period varies and is situational.  It will also increase as we age.

Good luck ya’ll

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