Greater social acceptance and more LGBTQ+ representation in culture, such as the Netflix series Heartstopper and Sex Education, are making it easier for young people to be open about their sexuality and identity.
Despite this, some people still don’t come out until their late 20s, 30s or later. If you are in this position, you may feel like you are “behind” younger people who are openly LGBTQ+. But you are not alone. Coming out is a process that unfolds over time, and may take longer for some than for others.
An LGBTQ+ person first has to recognise and accept their sexual orientation or gender identity, before making decisions about whether, when, and how to tell others. The time it takes to fully understand and accept your sexuality or gender and be ready to disclose it to others can vary considerably.
You may know that you are LGBTQ+ from a young age, or this self-discovery may happen later in life. You may experience fluidity in your sexuality or gender identity, whereby your identity may shift over time.
If you identify as bisexual or non-binary, you may face additional challenges such as feeling misunderstood or pressure to “pick a side”, due to limited social understanding and stereotypes that these identities are “just a phase”.
If you are in your 20s or 30s, you may have received relatively little LGBTQ+ inclusive relationship and sex education (RSE) at school. In the UK, you may have been at school under section 28 which prohibited the “promotion” of homosexuality. The chilling effect of this law persisted even after its repeal in 2003, with many educators cautious about openly discussing LGBTQ+ topics.
If you are from a conservative religious or cultural background, you may be dealing with anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes in your family or community. This can lead to internalised stigma, shame and delayed self-acceptance. Research suggests that people from ethnic minority communities may have culturally specific challenges.
Coming out also isn’t one time event. You might choose different levels of openness depending on the context and may be more out in some spheres of life than others. You might be “out” to friends before telling family. It is also not always a linear process. Some people may “go back into the closet” due to negative reactions, experiences or social stigma.
My research with colleagues at Coventry University into so-called “conversion therapy” found that people who had been subjected to efforts to change their sexuality reported that they were discouraged from telling others they were LGBTQ+. Many also said that it negatively affected their mental health and delayed their self-acceptance.
It can take time to undo years of internalised stigma and shame, so be kind to yourself. Remember that negative thoughts and feelings about being LGBTQ+ are often rooted in messages from your social environment, not a reflection of your intrinsic worth.
Challenges and benefits of coming out later
While societal acceptance has progressed, coming out in your quarter life can present unique challenges. You may fear, for example, that it will impact relationships and friendships that you have established over many years.
If you are with a heterosexual partner in early adulthood, breaking the news to them and any children from the relationship can be particularly challenging.
On the other hand, coming out later may give you the benefit of a more developed understanding of yourself, and greater interpersonal skills gained from more life experience. You may also have more independence from your parents, which can help if they have a negative reaction.
It’s never too late to live as your authentic self.
How important is coming out?
Research suggests that living authentically is generally associated with greater psychological wellbeing. But coming out is an individual choice and no one should be pressured to disclose their LGBTQ+ status to others, particularly if it may put your safety at risk. LGBTQ+ people may be at risk of “honour”-based violence or forced marriage in some communities.
Meanwhile, concealing your identity can have complex mental health implications. While it might protect you from discrimination, keeping your authentic self a secret can be a significant source of stress.
If you are newly learning about your sexuality, identifying as LGBTQ+ or thinking about coming out, finding peer support can be helpful. You may want to join an LGBTQ+ group in your community or online, confide in a trusted person or seek support from a professional or an LGBTQ+ charity.
No one can tell you how to identify or whether you should come out, but they may help you to clarify your sense of self, explore the pros and cons of coming out and help you navigate the process.
Remember, your loved ones may experience a range of emotions when you come out to them. Give them time and space to process their own feelings. While their initial reaction might not be what you hope for, it doesn’t define your future relationship. With time to adjust, your relationship may even grow stronger.
Everyone’s journey is unique, and deciding whether and when to come out should be guided by personal comfort and safety. Ultimately, there’s no right time to come out, and it’s never too late to live authentically.
You’ve probably planned on coming out about your sexuality to essential family members like your mom and dad. But have you ever thought about the importance of coming out to your doctor?
An open and honest relationship with your doctor is essential to getting care. This is especially true since there are specific needs that you might have as part of the LGBTQ+ community. As health family medicine physician Rita Lahlou, MD, MPH, told UNC Health Talk, “It’s important for people who identify with historically marginalized communities to find a primary care provider who will be supporting, affirming and understanding of them.”
With that said, the thought of a discussion about your health can be downright nerve-wracking. Whether you’re seeing a new doctor or talking with the doctor you’ve been seeing for years, here are a few tips and strategies to ensure that all your healthcare needs are met for your sexual health.
And it’s not an area that many general practitioners might feel comfortable asking about. Research published in Sexual Medicine examined healthcare specialists’ avoidance of sex and sexuality. It stated that many specialists think that asking their patients about their sex life and sexuality could cause embarrassment, so it’s not something that might come up. However, creating the appropriate framework of trust and empathy between your doctor and you can make this discussion easier. Bringing the topic to the table first lets your provider know it’s not a taboo area to talk about.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat988lifeline.org
Look for an LGBTQ-friendly provider
Since your sexuality is a crucial area of your life and who you are, having a physician or specialist who understands how to support the LGBTQ+ community can make talking about your sexuality easier. Look for a provider with an LGBTQ+ designation. According to Henry Ford, doctors with this designation complete additional clinical training for patients within this community, making them more likely to be knowledgeable in documenting sexual orientation and understanding the specific needs.
Finding an LGBTQ+-friendly provider might take some looking around. Paula Neira, Program Director of LGBTQ+ Equity and Education, told Johns Hopkins Medicine that there are databases by groups such as GLMA: Health Professionals Advancing LGBTQ Equality, but they aren’t exactly comprehensive. Thus, setting an appointment with a healthcare provider might require asking about their experience caring for LGBTQ+ patients. You can also ask others in the community to find a doctor they trust or have had a positive experience with.
Neira adds that not being open and honest with your provider could lead to missed screens, like those for cancer, especially for transgender individuals. Johns Hopkins Medicine also pointed out that seven out of ten LGBTQ+ members have received negative care, and connecting with a healthcare specialist competent in this field can alleviate that.
Bring your partner to the appointment
It’s easier to talk about your sexuality when you have a loving person supporting you. Consider bringing your partner with you to discuss this with your provider. Not only can they hold your hand, but they might also be able to help you make sure you have all your bases covered.
Bringing your partner with you and introducing them to your doctor can quickly clarify your sexuality and cue your healthcare provider that it’s okay to broach the subject of your sexual orientation. According to family medicine physician Beth Careyva, MD, “By providing this information, we can make sure to offer preventative care screenings, as well as provide counseling on sexual health, lifestyle changes, and same-sex family planning” (via Lehigh Valley Health Network).
The Office of Disease Prevention and Health Promotion notes that having a support person during the visits can help ensure you keep track of your specialist’s advice and ask questions when something isn’t clearly explained.
Use techniques to calm nervousness
The Center for American Progress points out that discrimination in the healthcare setting for the LGBTQ+ community leads to delays and access to needed medical care. It can affect not only patients, but their parents as well. This is especially true for those trying to find care for their transgender children. Thus, it’s not surprising that this topic might be uncomfortable for some to discuss with their doctor, leading to nervousness.
Fortunately, there are several techniques to calm the nerves before talking to your doctor about your sexuality. One of the best calming methods is focusing on breathing (via NHS). Get yourself in a comfortable position and let your breath flow. Focus on nothing but the movement of your chest and the refreshing air coming into your lungs for a steady five-count. Keep repeating until the doctor comes in so that you can talk to them with a clear, relaxed mind.
The Baton Rouge Clinic AMC states that it can be helpful to close your eyes and count to ten as you wait for your healthcare provider to enter the room. You can also try counting to 20 backward. Other calming techniques include chewing gum, smelling lavender, and listening to calming music. Once the doctor comes in, you can bring up your sexuality as part of your casual health conversation.
Be straightforward and honest
It may be hard to be bold, but when it comes to your health, it’s not a time to be shy. Bring your sexuality to the table immediately. For example, introduce yourself to a new doctor with your name, preferred pronouns, and sexuality. Being matter-of-fact with your healthcare professional establishes honesty. With a current specialist, bring it up by saying, “I have a personal question…” states the National Institute on Aging.
Johns Hopkins Medicine also notes that you should set an agenda when talking to your doctor. It doesn’t have to be a long, intricate list, but outlining your sexuality and issues you would like to talk about will ensure that all your needs are met. According to Megan Moran-Sands, DO, a Geisinger pediatrician, “Your doctor and any healthcare professional you interact with will keep your information private.” Knowing this can help you not to feel so apprehensive.
And remember, your doctor wants honesty. Debra Roter, Dr.P.H., a professor at the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, noted, “It’s important to share things about your lifestyle, social obligations and relationships at home and at work. Sometimes patients are fearful that the doctor isn’t interested or that it isn’t relevant.” But having this information gives them a better understanding of your overall health.
Use questions as your guide
If you’ve had a bad experience with a different healthcare provider regarding the topic of sexuality, you might be even more apprehensive about talking about it openly. In that case, using questions as your guide might be better. Giving your current provider hints about what you need to discuss allows them to bring the subject up and save you embarrassment.
For example, you might start off your conversation with your provider by discussing their knowledge of LGBTQ+ patients. During your initial interview with a new doctor, you might ask about their patient experience with sexuality and LGBTQ+ patients. Ask about their experience with transgender issues. LCMC Health states that it sets a tone with your provider, allowing them to draw the conversation toward your sexuality in a respectful manner. As the National Institute on Aging notes, asking questions is key to building open communication with your doctor to better understand medical issues, tests, and medications that can affect your sexual life.
Don’t put off talking about your sexuality
The World Health Organization says that your sexual health is essential not just to your personal well-being, but also to that of your loved ones. Don’t overlook being committed to your sexual health with your doctor, since it can influence screenings, family counseling, testing, and more.
Understanding your sexual health also plays a vital role in sexually transmitted disease prevention, practicing safer sex, and your body image, states Healthline. In addition, it’s a key area of mental and emotional health, particularly for members of the LGBTQ+ community who experience “discrimination or cultural homophobia.” Per data presented by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, sexual minorities such as the LGBTQ+ community are more likely to have substance misuse and mental health issues.
As Dr. Megan Moran-Sands notes (via Geisinger), “It’s beneficial to share your sexual orientation with your doctor so you can get the most personalized care. You can be more open about your life and your choices, and you and your doctor can work together to create a plan for staying healthy.” Don’t wait to talk to your doctor about sexual health. Bring it to the discussion immediately to set the bar for all future appointments.
Sexuality and sexual health should not be taboo topics, and are nothing to feel ashamed about. Remember that no matter what, your doctor is there to help. To make things a bit easier during your appointment, Willis-Knighton Health System suggests writing down the items you want to discuss on a phone or piece of paper to avoid forgetting what you want to say in case you suddenly feel uneasy.
Since talking about sexual health can be difficult face-to-face, you might also want to take advantage of telehealth consultations to discuss these issues. It might be easier for you to talk about sexual orientation, sexual problems, and gender in the comfort of your own home. Your provider can ask questions to get the necessary tests or medications (via the International Society for Sexual Medicine). Telehealth might also be the best way to connect with a doctor that is LGBTQ+-friendly.
Lastly, it helps to give your doctor a heads-up. For example, you can tell your healthcare provider during your initial appointment that you would like to speak to them about sexuality. You can also let them know that you’re nervous. This way, they can have questions ready to help you overcome your negative feelings.
You’ve probably heard of “sugar daddies.” Or “the internet’s daddy,” Pedro Pascal. Stereotypes of this popular term abound, but what does it actually mean to be a “daddy”? And who is most likely to engage in age-gap relationships, and why?
Daddies of a Different Kind, published today by UBC sociologist and assistant professor Dr. Tony Silva (he/him), analyzes the stories of gay and bisexual daddies and asks why younger adult men are interested in older men for sex and relationships.
We spoke to Dr. Silva about his findings.
What is a daddy and why were you interested in studying them?
Front cover of Dr. Tony Silva’s new book, Daddies of a Different Kind.
Many people think of a daddy as a desirable, confident older man who may be paired with a younger partner. The term has gained popularity in recent years, and while it is used in the context of heterosexual, gay or bisexual relationships, research across the Western world shows that age-gap relationships are far more prevalent among gay and bisexual men than any other group. I was interested in finding out why, and learning more about the older men who identify or are perceived as daddies, and what it means to them.
For this book, I interviewed men in their twenties and thirties who partnered with older men, and men in their forties through late sixties who partnered with younger adult men in their twenties and thirties. Some of the older men actively identified as daddies, while others did not necessarily identify that way, but still fulfilled a daddy role and were aware that others saw them as daddies.
What does it mean to be a daddy?
For many of the older men I spoke to, being a daddy was not just about age and sexual and romantic partnerships, but also a sense of responsibility, mentorship and guidance.
As daddies, they saw themselves as providing emotional support, wisdom and life experience to their younger partners: whether that means helping younger adult men figure out career paths, how to come out, or how to integrate into gay and bisexual communities.
For many older men, it was also a point of pride and self-worth, as they felt that their age and experience made them more attractive and desirable to younger men.
The youngest daddy I interviewed was 43, and in general, men started seeing themselves as daddies in their 40s. Contrary to the popular stereotype of older men going after younger guys, it was often younger men who approached them on dating apps once they had silver hair or had other physical markers of aging, and that really sparked their transformation into a daddy.
What do the younger men get out these age-gap relationships?
Some of the reasons why the younger adult men pursued age-gap relationships included a preference for emotionally mature partners, finding older men physically attractive and a desire to learn from older men. Many of the younger adult men also found age-gap pairings sexually exciting and emotionally fulfilling and were drawn by the idea of having a mentor or role model in their partner.
Whether gay or straight, age-gap relationships can involve a power difference. How did the men you spoke to navigate that?
In most cases, there was a sense of responsibility the older men felt to make sure they treated younger adult men with a particular care and made sure they didn’t disadvantage the younger adult man in any way. In contrast to what many people assume, I found little evidence of widespread power differences that harmed either the younger or older men.
For many men, these cross-generational connections between adults seem like they’re a major part of what it means to be a gay or bisexual man today. According to some demographic research I’m currently working on, it looks like these relationships are actually becoming more common, not less.
But there’s still a lot of stigma and misinterpretation around age-gap relationships, so even though many of the men I spoke to were openly gay or bisexual, they don’t always talk about their age-gap relationships outside of other LGBT groups. This research helps us move beyond stereotypes.
— Provides comprehensive, and inclusive, sexual education
“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson.
By Ali Velshi and Hannah Holland
“This Book is Gay,” by Juno Dawson, starts with a welcome: “There’s a long-running joke that, on ‘coming out,’ a young lesbian, gay guy, bisexual, or trans person should receive a membership card and instruction manual. This is your instruction manual.” And “This Book is Gay” reads as exactly that: a guide.
Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with a candid, first-person narrative collected from real people.
Equal parts humorous and informative, this nonfiction young adult book is divided into sections: identity, stereotypes, queer history, coming out and relationships — including sexual relationships. Each fact-based chapter is interspersed with candid, first-person narratives collected from real people.
Dawson is a guide with credentials, having spent nearly a decade as a sexual education and wellness teacher in the U.K. before turning to writing full-time. She came out as transgender publicly in 2015 and is a staunch advocate for the LGBTQ+ community.
“The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex,” a chapter positioned toward the end of the book, opens with text outlined to make you take notice, “This Chapter is about sex. […] If you are a younger reader and feel you aren’t ready for the finer details of same-sex pairings, then simply skip this whole chapter.” The chapter goes on to include potentially lifesaving information on sexually transmitted infections, including HIV and AIDS, diagrams of sexual organs, like you might see in health class, and a commentary on love and relationships.
Much has been written about the sheer number of books banned these past two school years (a record 1,477 instances of individual books banned in the first half of this school year according to PEN America) and the fact that a disproportionately high number of those titles tell LGBTQ+ stories. “This Book is Gay” is frequently near the top of the American Library Association’s list of most banned books.
Most of the books we feature on the “Velshi Banned Book Club” are literature, including contemporary works of poetry and graphic novels. The conversation surrounding the accessibility of those works is ultimately a conversation about the value of literature for students and for society. Conversely, the conversation surrounding “This Book is Gay” is about the necessity for comprehensive and, most importantly, inclusive sexual education. As Dawson so saliently reminds readers, the exclusion of same-sex couples in the typical sex-ed class is nothing short of “institutional homophobia.”
Sexual education of any kind is rapidly disappearing and changing across the nation. Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all. Georgia’s Gwinnett County, just outside of Atlanta, has voted to stick with abstinence-only education. School districts across Kentucky have had to overhaul their curriculum to comply with new bans on sex education, gender identity and student pronouns. This is happening all over the nation, state by state.
Of course, many of the arguments made against “This Book is Gay” center around antiquated views of gender expression and sexuality, but they’re also made in bad faith, including labeling this book as “inappropriate.” For a certain age group, this book is inappropriate. This book is not for young children — which is why it is not written for or marketed to them. Educators and proponents of inclusive sexual education, who may have used this book as an educational resource or noted its spot on a library shelf, are not intending for it to be used to teach young children.
Florida’s Broward County, which includes Fort Lauderdale, ended this school year with no sexual education at all.
“This Book is Gay” is for those young adults already grappling with their sexuality and identity. It is for those who are already looking for a safe space, understanding, or a guide through the dense jungle of teenage years. A group, I might add, that has had access to the full depths of the internet for their entire lives. It is the best-case, and least-likely, scenario that any one of them learned about sex, relationships and sexual identity through school-mandated sexual education or with the help of books that could be read and discussed with their parents.
The reality is this: At some point between high school, college and young adulthood, most everyone will be confronted with a situation related to sex and sexuality. “I didn’t know anything about myself. […] I was so unprepared and, now as an adult I see that I was left very vulnerable. I didn’t fully understand consent, I didn’t fully understand boundaries, I didn’t understand that I could say no to things,” explains Dawson in an interview on the Velshi Banned Book Club.
Relationships can be the most beautiful and rewarding part of life, and they can also be the most damaging, physically and emotionally. By prohibiting access to valuable resources like “This Book is Gay,” we are leaving already vulnerable LGBTQ+ young adults with nowhere to turn.
Sending our young people, regardless of sexual orientation, into the world without a comprehensive understanding of how to prevent sexually transmitted infections or pregnancy is a huge problem. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about what respect looks like within a relationship is a major issue. Sending our young people into the world without a conversation about who exactly they are is nothing short of a crisis.
“It was probably BDSM,” my friend Laura* smirks. We’re at a school reunion, standing outside a bar in my hometown smoking a cigarette. Passing it back and forth in that intimate way we used to. I don’t smoke anymore, but the occasion seems to invite it.
She was my best friend, in that all-consuming way that teenage girls can be. Now we’re looking back at what we used to do with each other — perhaps we were in a relationship, we just didn’t know we could be, no words to define how we felt.
During my twenties, I slipped on the uniform of heterosexuality easily. Hungrily kissing men on sticky dance floors and taking them back to mine for one-night stands. When I’d snog Laura, put my fingers in her knickers and run my hands over her arse, I thought I was performing for the men watching from the dark corners of the dingy nightclub we went to every weekend. I wanted to turn them on.
But there were no prying eyes when we got home. I’d tell her what to do and she’d comply with a submissive giggle. A kinky sort of power play. I now know — when we touched, kissed, explored — that it was sex. My ’90s education meant I thought it was only sex when it was penis-in-vagina sex. I remember being given a book about “where babies come from.” I didn’t understand the nuances of women’s sexuality. I wish I’d known then what I know now.
I love looking at women. I fancy women. I want to acknowledge Laura as one of the first great loves of my life, more than just an old schoolmate. But what can I do now that it’s 20 years later and I’m in a monogamous marriage with a man, outwardly heterosexual to those who look in? I decided to set on a journey — meeting experts and others on sexual re-awakenings along the way — to find out.
Am I bisexual?
I started my quest as so many have before — online. Furiously typing questions like, “can I be bisexual if I’m married to a man?” “What even is bisexuality?” “I’m married to a man but I fancy women too, is this okay?” I briefly wonder how it might have been different for my 16-year-old self as I discover other sexually curious women hiding in corners on Reddit, Twitter, Instagram. There’s communities of women just like me.
Women like 39-year-old Cassie Brooks, too. She’s been happily married to a man for 15 years. When we start chatting, it feels like an outpouring. “I think about women often and have deep friendships and connections with the women in my life,” she confesses. But Cassie grew up in a deeply religious family, although she’s since walked away from her Christian faith.
Her realisation — a sort of epiphany — came when she was in a swimming pool with one of her mates. “She wrapped her arms around me from behind. It elicited warm, fuzzy feelings inside me,” Cassie tells me. “It felt charged, magnetic. I turned in her arms and asked, ‘do you feel this?’ She nodded and giggled and splashed me with water.” Cassie struggled with these feelings because she loves her husband. It felt like she was “cheating,” even though they hadn’t kissed.
This sexual fluidity — identifying as straight, then fancying someone of the same gender — has also shown up in research, too. When I contact sociologist and psychosexual psychotherapist Jordan Dixon(opens in a new tab) to help me unravel how I am feeling she points me towards a study by psychologist Lisa Diamond. ‘Female bisexuality from adolescence to adulthood’(opens in a new tab) was conducted on 79 women over the course of ten years. Two-thirds of the women changed the identity labels they’d claimed at the beginning, with a third changing multiple times. By the end, more women identified as bisexual or chose to have no label at all, rather than say they were straight.
Another study(opens in a new tab) found that women are often influenced by romantic opportunities rather than being rigid in their attractions. “Women’s sexuality may be more flexible and adaptive than men’s,” commented the study’s author Elizabeth Aura McClintock, an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Notre Dame. “Having flexible sexual attractions may grant greater importance to contextual and experiential factors when it comes to sexual identity.” These findings were also reflected in the 2020 census in the UK(opens in a new tab), more women than men said they were bisexual – 1.6 percent of women compared to 0.9 percent of men.
Embracing the bi side of me
“I’m not straight, I just love dick,” when the character Arabella (Michaela Coel) uttered those words in BBC dramaI May Destroy You(opens in a new tab), I’d never felt so understood. I roll them over in my mind as I fill in the application to Skirt Club(opens in a new tab) — a private network for straight and bisexual women who are sexually curious. When the form asks about my sexuality, I tick the box that says: mostly straight but more than incidentally homosexual. I don’t even know if that fits how I feel.
Skirt Club was founded by Genevieve LeJeune in 2014, mostly because she was looking for other women like her. “Bisexuality is this grey area,” she tells me over Zoom, “a huge taboo attached to it. When I started using the label bisexual, people kept asking me the same questions: what’s wrong? Why can’t you choose?”
“When I started using the label bisexual, people kept asking me the same questions: what’s wrong? Why can’t you choose?”
I tell LeJeune how I’ve been feeling. I’m compelled to reveal my past with Laura and that I’m with a man but I think about women. That I’ve never really said out loud that I think I’m bisexual. She invites me to one of Skirt Club’s signature parties at a secret location in London. “Women act differently without men,” LeJeune says.
And I can see that as soon as I step into this new world, wearing a silk dress and knee high boots. One of the hostesses attaches a key to my wrist. It shows that I’m new (usually around 70 percent of those attending are there for the first time) and unlocks the start of a journey.
I sip on a glass of bubbles and settle in a corner to observe. A woman in a tight red dress gives me the eye. She also has a key dangling down her hand. Her fingertips graze my thigh. She’ll never date a man again, she tells me with vitriol. She’s clearly experienced too much hurt.
After an orientation speech stating the importance of consent, the bar area clears quickly and I wonder where everyone’s gone. I head upstairs to the bedrooms. There’s a smell of sex — sweet and sensuous — and a mass of writhing naked women that looks like some kind of Pre-Raphaelite painting come to life, reimagined in 2023 for a female gaze.
Most of the women hadn’t met until that moment. I think about all those myths that are rammed into us, that women need an emotional connection to climax. Maybe what they actually needed was to be in a room full of other women. I didn’t join in. I didn’t have to, to enjoy it. Just being there was enough. I felt seen, understood.
A coming out, of sorts
I realised how much I’ve internalised myths and stereotypes, inhaled them as facts that I need to let go. That key from Skirt Club has unlocked something. My friend tells me about a book that blew her mind and urges me to read it. Untrue by writer and social researcher Wednesday Martin unravels why nearly everything we believe about women and lust is false. In a chapter called “Women Who Love Sex Too Much,” Martin introduces us to Dr. Meredith Chivers who did a study on women’s and men’s reactions to porn. Predictably, self-identifying straight men had the strongest reaction to guy-on-girl action. In contrast, women — even those who said they were straight — had physical responses to everything: a woman having sex with a woman, man-on-man action, and even bonobos getting down to it.
Mostly, what I’ve discovered is that sexual identity is complex. “Some women may be attracted to other women, but they may not wish to act upon it,” says Dixon, who implores anyone reading this to ask themselves: What would labelling mean to you? What do you want? Why? What would it mean for your partner to bear witness to that? “For those in hetero relationships, whether we decide to tell our partners or not, it can help to know that this doesn’t mean our decision is always fixed,” she assures.
Having experience doesn’t define sexuality.
According to research by Pew Research Center(opens in a new tab) in the U.S., only 19 percent of bisexuals are “out.” And although I’m writing this, I don’t think I feel the need to explicitly “come out” to anyone. According to therapist Chris Sheridan(opens in a new tab), the act of coming out can actually be disempowering to some. “It implies there’s a secret or it’s owed to heteronormative society,” Sheridan explains. Instead, do it on your terms. “Some people choose not to come out, others opt for coming out to some people and not others. It’s up to you.”
For Cassie, this looks like telling her husband how she feels. “To my relief, he said ‘I know.’ He asked me if I still loved him and I said yes.” Their marriage is monogamous but Cassie knowing this about herself is enough for now — having experience doesn’t define sexuality. “I 100 percent consider myself bisexual,” she says. “It took me a little while to associate that as part of my identity because I didn’t have experience. But the definition is attraction to both genders — I definitely fit that.”
As for me, I’m holding on to the advice from the therapists I spoke to: “Give yourself permission to fully fantasise about different genders during solo sex,” Sherdian told me. And “personal intimacy with ourselves means creating a private zone,” says Dixon, “it’s a space – physical, emotional, intellectual – that belongs only to us and we can play with whoever we like in our minds. Everyone can cultivate a secret erotic fantasy garden to play in.”
And what I witnessed at Skirt Club, just conjuring it in my mind makes me wet. So does lesbian porn. So does having sex with my husband. So, too, does a plethora of other things. Holding this knowledge about my shapeshifting sexuality feels powerful. I can’t be all parts of myself to everyone at all times. And those fragments of myself are also constantly in flux. This is a moment in time and right now I’m bisexual — regardless of my relationship status. I can’t wait to see what comes next… but I doubt I will ever say I’m straight again.
Telling someone else (or others) about a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity without their approval is also called “outing.” In some cases, it’s not done to harm the person; in other situations, the person sharing the information does so to retaliate or to shame the other person.They may even do it to prevent someone from excelling at work. Whatever the reason, outing someone is a violation of their privacy. And it can have serious effects on their health and well-being.
Outing is different from “coming out.” When a person comes out, they choose who to tell about their sexual orientation or gender identity. When a person who identifies as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, or queer or questioning (LGBTQ) is “outed,” they lose their power to tell others; it’s done for them, against their will.
There can be benefits to coming out – when a person does so willingly. In that case, it can support their mental health (and even lower cortisol , a hormone that affects your body – especially how it responds to stress). But when someone does it without their consent, it can have opposite effects on their mental health and health overall.
How Can Being Outed Harm My Health?
Telling others about someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity may not seem like a big deal, especially if the person has told others about it. But it still violates their privacy. It can have effects on their health and may affect their schooling or professional life.
Outing doesn’t just harm LGBTQ youths; it can affect a person at any age. Outing can affect these things related to your health:
Mental health. Sexual minorities have a greater risk of mental health issues. One thing that may impair mental health is a violation of privacy – as is the case when a person is outed. It can trigger a person to engage in unhealthy behaviors, or lead to issues like anxiety and depression. Not everyone gets help for these issues. One survey found that 48% of LGBTQ youths ages 13 to 24 wanted counseling but didn’t get it.
Suicide. In some cases, being outed has caused people to kill themselves. LGBTQ youths have a greater risk for suicidality. Transgender youths, specifically, are twice as likely to think about suicide or attempt it, compared to cisgender lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, and questioning youths.
Homelessness. Whether you come out or are outed, you may be at risk for homelessness – and that can impact your physical and mental health. You can become homeless as a result of being outed if the people you live with reject you after hearing about your orientation or identity. Some parents or caretakers force LGBTQ youths out of their homes after hearing they are sexual minorities – whether from the child or others. This is the case for many young LGBTQ people, who have a 120% higher risk of some form of homelessness. About 28% of LGBTQ youths (ages 13 to 24) dealt with homelessness or housing instability during their lives. These can raise your chances for having to deal with mental health issues, compared to people who have a stable living situation.Substance abuse. Sexual minorities have higher rates of substance misuse and substance use disorders, compared to heterosexual people.
Violence. Bisexual men and women, lesbians, gay men, and transgender people are all at higher risks for violence and injury from violence, compared to others. LGBTQ people are more prone to this, compared to cisgender people. Whether it’s between partners or strangers, violence can still harm your health.
Disease and obesity. LGBT youths are at a higher risk for sexually transmitted diseases, cardiovascular disease, obesity, and cancer. So are LGBTQ adults. Being outed, or the fear of it, could be one reason that sexual minorities don’t seek out care or treatment, or disclose their orientation or identity to providers out of fear of stigma, ridicule, or because they’re afraid their personal information could be shared outside of the doctor/patient relationship.
How Can I Avoid Outing Someone?
The best way is not to say anything about a person’s gender identity or sexual orientation.
If you do out someone accidentally or unknowingly (like misusing their pronouns), you may want to apologize or discuss it with the other person openly. They may be hurt or angry. If you don’t say anything, it could be even more hurtful. Their identity is their story to tell, and you should respect their feelings.
What Should I Do if I’m Outed?
You may feel like you have no options if someone shares your personal information without your consent. But these tips may be able to support you through the situation.
Scope out resources. If you think you may be without a place to live because you’ve been outed, try to gather what you need to live elsewhere – at least for a while. Pack a bag with medications, clothing, and extra funds if you think you will be removed from your home. While this type of preparation may make you feel anxious, it may also provide you with some peace of mind that you’re prepared for the worst. A local LGBTQ organization or center may be able to connect you with resources.
Know the laws. Schools can’t share a student’s sexual orientation or gender identity to their parents or other staff – even if you’re a student who has told others at school. Companies can’t discriminate against you based on your sexual orientation or gender identity, according to the federal Title VII law. Title VII doesn’t apply to LGBTQ students, but many lower courts have addressed those rights.
Title VII only applies to organizations with more than 15 workers. LGBTQ people still face tough choices to come out (or can feel forced to come out) at work or fear being outed. You may want to see if your company has a policy in place to protect you. Being aware of the legal actions you can take can’t prevent outing, but it can empower you to take action if you’ve been outed.
Connect. Going through being outed can be isolating, especially if you haven’t told anyone else about your sexual orientation or gender identity. But there are some resources that may give you support. The Trevor Project has a hotline and an online community. Your school may have resources to assist you with being outed (or coming out).
Think about how you want to respond. It may not seem like it, but you do have power, even if someone violated your rights. How you react can enable you to make positive changes at school or work, and position you to inspire others.
Gender identity isn’t a choice — accepting your kid’s gender is the first step to supporting them.
You can also support your kid by using the right pronouns and making your home a safe space.
New clothes, hairstyles, and room decor may also help your kid feel more comfortable as themselves.
It’s natural for kids to explore their identity and sense of self as they grow up. But a child just beginning to question their gender identity may feel alone, uncertain, and scared, especially if they don’t know how you’ll respond.
Transgender and gender non-conforming youth — or kids with a gender identity different from the sex assigned at birth — face plenty of obstacles that can cause emotional distress, including bullying and discrimination, isolation, and a lack of social support.
But evidence overwhelmingly suggests parental support can boost self-esteem, quality of life, and mental health for trans kids — and, most importantly, reduce their risk of suicide.
In short, if your kid knows you have their back, that you’ll love and support them no matter what, this can boost their resilience and help them thrive in the world at large.
Of course, you might feel wholeheartedly committed to accepting and embracing your child unconditionally but have no idea where to start — especially if you haven’t spent much time considering gender yourself.
Below, experts who specialize in gender identity and supporting LGBTQIA+ people share 10 important tips on how to support your child as they begin to discover who they truly are.
Kids begin to develop an understanding of gender between the ages of 18 and 24 months. In other words, they begin to get curious about patterns that help them understand gender.
For instance, boys may lean toward cars and trains, while girls may play with dolls and stuffed animals — especially when parents and siblings encourage these gender norms.
Around the ages of 6 to 8, kids start to become aware of the differences between their gender identity and biological sex.
“Those feelings on gender become more flexible and fluid with regards to likes and preferences,” says Alex Greenwald, a therapist at Empower your Mind Therapy.
So, if your child was assigned male at birth but wants to wear princess dresses and play with dolls at the age of 3, they may simply be trying out something new, or copying a friend or sibling.
But if your school-aged child prefers girls’ clothes and begins to use a female name, you may want to start a conversation about gender identity. You might, for instance:
Ask what they know about gender
Establish that sex and gender are two different concepts
Ask what their gender is
Avoid offering your own opinion on their gender or guiding them toward gender norms
2. Foster gender neutrality at home
Evidence suggests gender stereotypes — pink and dance class for girls, blue and soccer practice for boys, for instance — can limit your child’s development and even lead them to hide their true interests.
Instead of suggesting your kid should play with specific toys or wear certain clothes, Greenwald recommends creating a gender-neutral environment that avoids stereotypes. This means letting them play with whatever toys they like and wear the clothes they prefer — without making comments or criticizing their choices.
3. Establish a safe space for your child
Making your home a safe space can pave the way for open communication within your family, as kids who feel safe are more likely to talk to you honestly and believe you’ll listen without judgment.
Paying attention to your language can make a big difference here. So, you’ll want to steer clear of making comments like “That’s gay,” or “It’s just a phase,” according to Greenwald.
“Rather, encourage their gender exploration. This lets them know you’re there for them and that you support their developing identity,” Greenwald says.
You can affirm and encourage your child by:
Listening to how they’re feeling — without questioning their experiences.
Asking them what you can do to support them.
Making sure they know your family accepts all gender identities and sexual orientations.
Waiting until they come to you instead of pushing them to talk before they feel ready.
These harmful practices aim to “repair” gender identity — but not only do they not change gender, they can also cause lasting, major consequences, such as:
Anxiety
Depression
Substance use disorders
Thoughts of suicide
Damaged family relationships
“Do not push your child to speak to religious leaders (or anyone) who has a fixed mindset about gender. Do not send your child to a camp to ‘change’ them,” says Bethany Cook, a clinical psychologist at Center on Halsted.
Your child may choose a different name and pronoun that better suits their gender.
“Parents should ask, ‘How would you like me to refer to you?’ or ‘What pronouns would you like me to use?’,” says Robert L. Johnson, counselor and director at The Dorm DC.
Just keep in mind it’s important to check with your kid before using these pronouns around extended family, friends, and other people in your life, according to Johnson.
Using the correct pronouns shows you respect your kid and acknowledge their identity — and research suggests trans youth feel both affirmed and validated when their parents use the correct pronouns and their chosen name.
If you happen to misgender them, avoid making excuses or saying things like, “Oh, it’s just so hard to remember” or “You’ll always be my baby girl” or “I just can’t see you as a boy.” Simply apologize and correct yourself with the right pronoun.
Avoid over-apologizing, since this can make them feel uncomfortable and draw unwanted attention in public areas.
If someone else corrects you, avoid getting defensive. Instead, just thank them and then repeat yourself with the correct pronoun.
6. Examine your gender biases
Before talking to a child or teen questioning their gender, it may be worth taking some time to reflect on the gender stereotypes in your social circle.
Stereotypes set a “standard” your child may feel pressured to achieve, which can make it harder for them to show their authentic self.
Expecting girls to be feminine and graceful may discourage them from displaying their strength or participating in sports.
Paying attention to the words you and others assign to describe stereotypical gender roles, like “manly,” “tough,” “weak,” or “gentle” can help you:
Dig deeper into unconscious biases, like the idea that girls should be quiet and calm
Avoid making assumptions about gender
Broaden your understanding about your child’s gender, and gender identity in general
7. Support self-expression
Gender exploration gives your kid a chance to experiment with what makes them feel comfortable.
Trying out new colors and styles, for example, can help them get a sense of their likes and dislikes as they begin to establish their identity.
You can support them by:
Taking them shopping: “Go shopping with them and let them have fun in the dressing room with you trying on whatever they want to,” Cook suggests.
Helping them change up their style: “Ask them if they’d like a haircut. Sometimes a haircut or different style can help in the exploration process,” Cook says.
Offer a room makeover: You can also offer to help them change their room decoration, or switch up accessories like lamps and curtains by letting them buy new items that more accurately represent their gender.
8. Expose them to LGBTQIA+ representation
Positive LGBTQIA+ representation in the media can help your kid find a character they identify with, which may:
Validate their experiences
Foster confidence
Help them realize they belong in society
“Talk openly about TV shows and movies that depict LGBTQIA+ characters. Bring up political and social issues affecting people from different backgrounds, including LGBTQIA+ people,” Erickson-Schroth recommends.
Just keep in mind that a well-represented LGBTQIA+ narrative will avoid tokenization, which happens when a show features LGBTQIA+ characters, like a gay best friend, simply for diversity without fleshing out the character adequately.
Tokenization can do more harm than good when it reinforces negative stereotypes or portrays LGBTQIA+ characters in a negative light.
Real representation, however, embraces a character’s complexity.
A few shows to try with your kid or teen:
She-Ra and the Princesses of Power
The Owl House
I Am Jazz
Star Trek: Prodigy
Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts
First Day
9. Connect them to support groups
If your child wants to meet more LGBTQIA+ peers, they might find it helpful to join a youth group.
Erickson-Schroth says you can start by:
Searching for groups in your city
Trying an online group if you can’t find a local in-person option
Ask a therapist or school guidance counselor for a referral
1o. Help them find a supportive mental health professional
You may not feel able to answer every question your child has — but that’s OK.
A therapist who specializes in gender and identity can provide affirmation and space for exploration, along with support helping you and your child prepare for their future, Erickson-Schroth says.
If your child seems reluctant to try therapy, it may help to explain some of the benefits of working with a therapist. For instance, a therapist can:
Offer support for mental health symptoms like anxiety or depression.
Help your child process their experiences and explore any changes they’d like to make to express their gender.
Offer support with finding gender-affirming care if your child chooses to begin social or medical transition.
Helpful resources for finding gender-affirming therapists and organizations include:
As your child begins to explore their gender identity, celebrating them as they are and nurturing them with unconditional love and support can do a lot of good — both for their well-being and your relationship.
Don’t hesitate to seek out helpful resources and connect with other parents for more support. Keep in mind, too, that a therapist can offer more guidance with knowing what to say and processing your own feelings.
“Loving and supporting your child doesn’t mean you can’t grieve any losses you may feel about the change. Just be aware that this is a process for you, not for your child to guide you through,” Cook says.
‘Same-sex sex can feel daunting even if you’ve had plenty of “straight” sex before,’ sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight tells Metro.co.uk. ‘The reason it feels so different is because… it is!
‘The idea of first time same-sex can feel scary because it’s an entirely new experience. Nerves are part and parcel of pushing yourself out of your usual space and into something new.’
There’s a lot of fear when trying anything new (including queer sex) that you’ll get stuff wrong, that you’ll be rubbish, that it’ll be embarrassing.
You’re about to do something new – what if instead of viewing that as a scary thing, you see it as exciting?
‘Try to focus on the positives. As with lots of new experiences things can seem daunting, however if you re-package nerves as excitement then you’ll be able to build what’s known as “positive anticipation”, which will help you to really get the most out of the experience as a whole,’ Annabelle suggests.
Reframe anxiety as excitement
Talk about it
You don’t need to pretend to be totally cool or act like you know what you’re doing. It’s actually pretty endearing to openly say that you’re a touch nervous.
‘We can combat nerves by opening up communication with our partner, or if you feel able to, telling them that you might be feeling a bit nervous,’ says Lelo’s sex and relationships expert Kate Moyle.
Redefine sex
You might still be holding on to a traditional definition of sex, viewing it only as penis in vagina penetration.
The reality is that sex can encompass all sorts of joyous things – stroking, licking, caressing…
And the thing is, if you’ve been in ‘straight’ sex setups before, you’ve likely played with all of these bits of sex. Remembering that makes same-sex sex feel a lot less scary.
‘Appreciate that there’s more to sex than penetration alone,’ Annabelle says. ‘This means that everything from kissing, cuddling and sensual massage can fall under the banner of sex.
‘Great sex is how you define it so don’t feel constrained by the idea that penetration = proper sex.’
Be playful
Hey, this is supposed to be fun.
‘Even if we haven’t had a sexual experience with someone of the same gender before, bodies are still sensual and sensitive – be creative and playful with your touch, which will help to build up arousal and desire,’ suggests Kate.
Keep communication open
Bring in sex toys
Sex toys are not a necessity, but they can be a bonus – and can definitely help to relieve the pressure of delivering an orgasm with your hands and genitals alone.
Don’t feel pressured to orgasm every time
Not climaxing doesn’t mean you’ve ‘failed’. It’s the journey that counts, and every bit of sex can be a glorious experience – not just the orgasm.
Annabelle adds: ‘To get the most out of your first same-sex experience make sure you’re in the right head space.
‘You don’t need to have everything figured out, nor do you need to put a label on yourself – instead embrace the fact that you’re ready to experiment and open yourself up to a different type of connection.’
Top tips for great first-time same-sex sex
Trim your nails
‘Long fingernails look great but can be a bit of a pain in the clit when it comes to same-sex experiences,’ notes Annabelle.
Lube
One thing Annabelle recommends for great same-sex sex? ‘Lube, lube, and more lube!’
‘Anal doesn’t just happen, she notes. ‘The anus isn’t self-lubricating and needs a lot of help in that department. A good quality water based lube is a fabulous all-rounder. It’s skin safe, toy safe, and condom safe too.’
Lube is great for vaginas, too, particularly if the woman you’re dating is going through menopause or has given birth (both of which can cause hormones to drop and dryness to occur).
Wetter is better, so feel free to lube liberally.
Stay safe
Pregnancy won’t be a risk during same-sex sex, but make sure you’re still protecting yourself from STIs. Condoms, dental dams – all necessary.
Oh, and ‘if you’re sharing sex toys make sure you give them a clean between uses,’ says Annabelle.
Explore different turn-on spots
‘For women and vulva owners the clitoris is the source of most sensitivity and sexual pleasure, and most women report orgasming via direct clitoral stimulation,’ Kate tells us. ‘But having said that, take your time to explore sensually and not just focusing on the areas of the body commonly associated with sex.
‘This build up gives the body a chance to sexually warm up and become aroused which is key to pleasure.’
As your least favorite brand has likely reminded you in an emoji-filled mailer that you just can’t seem to unsubscribe from, it’s Pride month again. And so begins the annual wheel of discourse: Should Pride be a party or a protest? Has it been co-opted by big brands? Is the rainbow actually ugly? Should the police be banned from marching at Pride? Yes, yes, yes, yes.
But ladies, I’m tired of the wheel. It’s been a hard 30 years for me as a non-binary homosexual on this cis, straight planet. And so for this year’s Pride, as a treat to myself, I’ve decided I’m taking some time off. I’m done with waiting at the doors of big companies who are desperately trying not to get canceled, and asking for inclusion with big puppy dog eyes. I’m tired of writing explainers on how to be a good ally to a trans person. (For that, read Shon Faye.) And no, I don’t want a credit card with two men kissing on it. I don’t need a drink that is pink! Why is this sidewalk painted rainbow?!
Yes, I’ve decided for this Pride month I’m finally going to be really honest—really, really honest—about what we LGBTQs get up to all year round when our image isn’t being co-opted by a smoothie company. Because when you aren’t looking, we gays are plotting and planning the Gay Agenda. The Gay Agenda which, to terrify all of my loyal conservative fans, always has been and always will be about making as many people gay as possible. Queer as possible. Trans as possible. And so this Pride month, as your agony aunt here at Vogue, I am here to deliver to you the LGBTQ+ message: I’m here to tell you that it’s time to go gay.
Everyone’s doing it. Chrishell from Selling Sunset did it; your ex-best friend’s mum from high school did it; loads of celebs who can’t be named did it; hey, you probably already did it in college. And while I’m aware it’s not a choice, let me tell you, if it was, I’d choose it! It’s way more fun, and way more flirty, than straight life.
Here in LGBTQ+ Town, we get to party until we’re in our mid-sixties, at which point we’re held up as community icons. We get to wear leather without looking try-hard, we get to watch unhinged drag queens fall over in dive bars, and we get to holiday in homes in Tangier owned by “interior decoration gays.” We’re statistically more likely to be chic and fashionable (although some gay men seem to want to actively exclude themselves from this one) and people—literally, like, everyone—are desperate for our approval. We have more sex than our straight counterparts, we are better at everything than our heterosexual peers (there are no stats on this, but it’s true), and we get to say things like “J’adore” and mean it both ironically and unironically.
We have the best literature, from Giovanni’s Room to Detransition, Baby. The best film and theater, from Pink Flamingos to A Strange Loop. The best fashion, from Thierry Mugler to Telfar. The best art too, from the Sistine Chapel to Leigh Bowery. What do the straights have? Chinos and golf tournaments? Marriage and a Volvo? Yep, you got it—being gay is better. It’s chicer. It’s hotter. So what are you waiting for?
A note on how you’re likely to be viewed after doing so. The people around you are no longer strangers, commuters, or fellow diners at Chinese Tuxedo. No. As part of the LGBTQ+ community, you will be forced into visibility. Sometimes you’ll like it, sometimes you’ll hate it. A healthy way to deal with this, though—which my therapist has strongly advised against—is to start calling those around you your “audience.” “Fans” also works, but the truth is that audience implies a much more generous, symbiotic, artistic relationship between you and this woman who is staring at you at the crosswalk.
It’s also time to get really good at sex. Alas, I don’t make the rules. But if there is one thing that unites every LGBTQ+ person I know, it’s that we are good at sex. You don’t have to be kinky—although you can also be as kinky as they come—but we are frankly superior in bed. After all, why go through all of the boring drama of coming out and detailing exactly how you’re going to have sex to your own mother if you’re not going to actually be good at it? It’s time to transcend the dynamic of the jackrabbit and the wet flannel. You are a sex phoenix, and you’re rising from the ashes.
A note on coming out. Everyone—well, a lot of brands—will tell you you have to come out. But you don’t. Screw it. You don’t owe explaining yourself to anyone. Of course, try not to stay too repressed and then let those bottled-up feelings turn you into a psychopathic murderer, or perhaps worse, very very homophobic, but your sexuality and gender are all yours. Come out to who you want. Don’t come out to who you don’t want.
Finally, don’t be mean. We all go through a phase of feeling really pissed off with the world for making it harder for us—and so we wake up every day and heave on our suit of bitchy armor and slag off everyone around us and make it a bit. And sure, people love it, but eventually, they’ll wonder if you talk about them behind their backs too, and in the end, it won’t make you happy. Instead, engage with your community—go to the gay bar, read about queer history, or host a book brunch for you and the girlies.
That’s right, these days, you can literally have it all. (Even children!) But first, you have to simply take the plunge this Pride month: Get in loser, we’re going gay.
For many years, Marija was happy but knew deep down something was missing in her relationships.
By Tahnee Jash
She had been in two long-term partnerships with men. The first led to marriage, and the second to a son.
It wasn’t until she was 40 that she met, and fell in love with, a woman.
“Before I came out, I met someone I decided to act on,” Marija, 76, tells ABC podcast, Ladies, We Need To Talk.
“That was a turning point that I wish to God I had done in my teens but then of course, I wouldn’t have had my son.”
She has now been in a committed relationship with a woman for the last 25 years.
‘I was afraid of being judged’
Marija, who came to Australia as a WWII refugee, says she was always attracted to women but wasn’t sure how her family would respond.
“[I come from a] migrant background and everyone was married, they were building up a new life in this country, and I don’t think my family would have understood,” she says.
“I was terribly afraid of being judged by them and losing their love.”
Marija had a great relationship with her second partner, who has since passed away, and when she made the decision to come out, he was very supportive.
“I think he suspected [it]. Then when I did tell him he kept saying, ‘The only thing that matters is your happiness’,” she says.
While Marija’s son took some time getting used to seeing his mum with another woman, he now has a great relationship with them both.
“He withdrew for a little while and then after he got to know my partner and realised that she wasn’t taking me away from [him and his dad] he did a flip and became her best friend.”
Sexuality is fluid and can change over time
When Marija was coming to terms with her identity 36 years ago, sexuality was not as openly discussed or understood.
“I had a very high-profile job with local newspapers and magazines, and I felt that that would have been jeopardised. In those days, comments about homosexuality were not very pleasant,” she says.
Dr Lisa Diamond, professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been researching sexual identity for over 30 years.
She says for many years, women were “socialised to think about female sexuality as shameful”.
“Most women develop an alienated relationship with their own sexuality because every time they have a sexual desire, they repress it,” she says.
Influences around us — from our family to the movies we watch — also encourage what we think.
“The idea is that there is this pressure on all women to be heterosexual and this inability to even think of anything else that prevents a lot of women from knowing what they actually want,” says Dr Diamond.
There’s also pressure to have this all worked out once you hit adulthood and is why some women come out later in life, especially after a big life event.
“The capacity for a same-sex relationship might have been there from the beginning but if you don’t have a chance to articulate that to yourself, then it might take a big life transition to wake up and actually ask yourself what you actually want,” Dr Diamond explains.
“We know that sexuality is a complicated spectrum that changes over time.”
Her first experience of dating was in her late 20s, with her husband who she had two children with and was in a relationship for 24 years.
“Our focus was on the children, [not] on me. Having said that, I was struggling inside but I just put my energy on them and brushed myself aside,” Jennifer, 61, says.
It was after watching a documentary about lesbians in Melbourne that Jennifer experienced an epiphany.
Jennifer didn’t know what to do next.
“I [thought I] can’t tell anyone, I’m married. I’m going to have to hold this inside me and never say anything,” she says.
After suppressing this for two years, a fatal accident involving her brother pushed her feelings to the forefront and that’s the moment Jennifer decided to come out.
“It was like my subconscious was saying, ‘Come on, life is short you’ve got to do something about this’,” she says.
It was in the months that followed that she decided to come out to her family and friends. After sitting in her lounge room for four hours rehearsing what she was going to say, she finally worked up the courage to tell her husband.
“It was a relief for us both because it made sense to everything in our world,” Jennifer says.
“He [replied and said] ‘Yes, I reckon a lot of women feel this in middle age’ and that was it. It was like we could breathe.”
Coming out to the family
During a countryside drive, Jennifer decided to tell her children too.
“I’m very close to my children and I just knew they’d know there was something weird going on with me. So I chose [to tell them] driving in the car one day,” Jennifer says.
“The words [were] like this vomit coming and [I said], ‘I’ve got something to tell you’ and I said, ‘I’m gay,’ Jennifer says.
“One of them is just like, ‘stop the car [so I can] get out’ and the other one said, ‘we just want you to be happy’.”
Both her children came to accept her news and Jennifer has a great relationship with them today.
Going through this experience and learning more about herself, Jennifer says hersexuality is more about the individual, rather than a label.
“For me, it’s about fluidity so I don’t call myself a lesbian,” she says.
“It’s more about the person I’m with; I don’t like [using] categories.”
If you’ve ever wanted to watch a bunch of well-intentioned straight men ask gay men questions about sex, relationships, and coming out, this BuzzFeed video has you covered.
Watching straight men stare at their feet and fumble through asking questions like, “What if you’re both bottoms or both tops?” and, “Would you rather a just-a-little-bit-smaller-than-an-average dick or a way-too-big-to-do-anything-with dick?” (spoiler: it’s the too-big dick) is the most awkward thing I’ve watched in a while. Mostly because I’m now convinced that more straight men need to be friends with gay men stat so they’re not as painfully nervous and weird around them.
Plus, how cool would it be to see your straight guy friends and gay guy friends chilling and talking about “when the butt hole falls out”? Pretty cool.
Questions about your sexual identity can be complicated. There are tons of words to describe different sexual orientations: lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, queer, pansexual, and so many more. You may be wondering which one fits you best, if any. It’s important to keep in mind that labels can be helpful in understanding your sexual identity, but if you feel like there isn’t a particular label that suits you, that’s okay and doesn’t mean your identity is any less valid.
For some people, the question of “am I gay” is easy to answer. Some people can point to a moment when they knew they were gay, and others feel like they’ve always just known. For others, their journey of discovering their sexuality can be a little less linear. There’s no wrong way to go about it.
But by definition, to identify as gay would mean that you feel sexual and/or romantic attraction to someone of your same gender identity, says LGBTQ+ expert Kryss Shane. “Sometimes it’s a general awareness, other times it’s self-recognition from a same-sex friendship that begins to feel like something more, and sometimes it’s through sexual exploration,” Shane explains.
If you think that you might be gay, here are some resources and things to keep in mind as you explore your sexuality.
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
Like we said, there are a lot of terms people use to describe their sexual identity and/or gender orientation. Some of them might even feel like they fit for a while, but you could later decide that they don’t really describe who you are. Learning about yourself and your sexuality is a journey, and it’s actually a really beautiful thing.
Your safety is important.
If you don’t feel it’s safe for you to be out in certain contexts—whether with family, at work, at school, or anywhere else—you should trust that instinct. It doesn’t mean you’re denying who you are, it means you’re making the best and safest decision for you.
You don’t have to justify or explain your identity to anyone you don’t want to.
If you want to share your journey with people in your life, go for it! But if you’re not ready to come out yet or share this part of yourself with people, that’s okay, too. You can share as much or as little as you want when it comes to your sexual orientation.
You aren’t alone.
Although your journey with your sexual orientation is unique, you don’t have to do it alone. If it feels safe, you can include your loved ones as you figure it all out, but if that’s not an option for you, you’re still not alone. There are tons of supportive LGBTQ+ people who can support you on your journey.
Some organizations you might want to look into if you’re trying to find your LGBTQ+ community are:
PFLAG. There are over 400 chapters across 50 states, so you can connect with LGBTQ+ people in your area who have been where you are.
Q Chat Space. If you’re between the ages of 13 and 19 and questioning your sexuality, you can join live online chats for LGBTQ+ and questioning teens facilitated by experienced staff who work at LGBTQ+ centers around the country.
TrevorSpace. This is an online community for LGBTQ+ young people ages 13 to 24, where you can join discussion groups and get advice from other people.
Your local LGBTQ+ community center. If you live in an area with a dedicated LGBTQ+ community center, they likely have support groups for people who are LGBTQ+ or questioning their sexual identity. They may also have groups for LGBTQ+ people of specific races, ethnicities, ages, or other intersecting identities.
Your local community center. Even if you don’t have an LGBTQ+ community center, your local community center may have an LGBTQ+ support group or LGBTQ+ social events that you can check out.
Find support and comfort through queer representation.
Reading books about LGBTQ+ people or watching LGBTQ+ movies can help you make sense of your own identity. There are tons of movies and TV shows with gay, queer, and lesbian representation that you can stream. Or you can start getting into the many LGBTQ+ podcasts out there, from ones that teach you about queer history to ones that address issues that LGBTQ+ people face today.
You can always reach out for help if you need it.
In addition to the above organizations that provide support groups and other forums for connecting with LGBTQ+ people, there are plenty of other resources you can turn to as you figure things out.
The Trevor Project. The Trevor Project has tons of resources to help you learn about different sexual orientations, mental health, gender identity, and more. They also offer LGBTQ+ informed crisis counselors you can talk to via chat, phone, or text.
The LGBT National Help Center. This organization operates three national hotlines to provide peer support, information, and other resources to LGBTQ people. They also offer support via online chat and weekly moderated chats for LGBTQ youth.
The It Gets Better Project. It Gets Better helps highlight stories and connect lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer youth around the world. They also have a resource page where you can find information and support about everything from crisis resources to legal assistance to housing insecurity, with a focus on LGBTQ+ people.
When Don Bell, a 71-year-old gay man, was searching for a senior living facility, he knew one thing for sure: He didn’t want to go “back into the closet” to find a safe place to live.“I had to face the fact that I was entering the stage of life where I was going to be living alone and responsible for my own life,” Bell told ABC News. “I had to look around at my own home community, and I had to consider where I would be safe and where I would be accepted.”Bell was his mother’s caretaker for many years, but after she died, he feared living alone. He said he wondered what life might be like if he was unable to find a welcoming environment as a gay Black man.Fearing homelessness, Bell fortunately won a lottery for one of the 72 spots in Chicago’s first LGBTQ-inclusive living facility.
But many aren’t so lucky. Some older members of the LGBTQ community are forced to hide their sexuality or gender identity in long-term care or housing facilities because they’re afraid of discrimination.
LGBTQ elders are a vulnerable population — they experience high rates of social isolation, are less likely to have children to care for them and experience higher levels of disability and illness, according to research by the Human Rights Campaign. Discrimination only exacerbates these insecurities.
About 3 out of 4 LGBTQ adults age 45 and older said they’re concerned about having enough support from family and friends as they get older, according to a 2018 study by AARP.
Gay seniors and supporters walk with SAGE at the New York City Pride March, June 25, 2017.
According to Michael Adams, chief executive officer of the LGBTQ senior advocacy group SAGE, elderly LGBTQ people often fear they’ll be refused care, abused or neglected in senior living communities.”Re-closeting,” Adams explained, “looks like: People taking the pictures of their loved ones and their partners down off their walls because they’re afraid a homecare attendant will see the pictures and will mistreat them as a result of it.”
AARP found that respondents living in “unfriendly” communities were seven times more likely to report experiences of housing discrimination due to their sexual or gender identity.
“It looks like making believe that they’re straight when they’re not,” Adams added. “It looks like making believe that they don’t have same-sex partners, hiding their LGBTQ magazines … it means erasing a whole fundamental part of their lives in order to protect themselves.”
There aren’t consistent or explicit anti-discrimination protections for all LGBTQ people at a federal level. SAGE data shows that about half of all LGBTQ older adults live in states where it’s not illegal to deny access to housing or public accommodations based on someone’s sexuality or gender expression.
Only 18% of long-term care communities have policies in place that protect LGBTQ residents, SAGE’s research shows.
Pam DeMoucell, right, dances with her spouse, Jane Beltramini, both of Pembroke, Mass., during an LGBT senior luncheon in Boston on June 20, 2016.
Bell can recall the many forms of anti-LGBTQ discrimination he’s experienced throughout his life. He’s part of what he calls the first “out” generation, which is now aging: “We have lived the entire 50-year arc of the LGBT civil rights movement. Everything from Stonewall onward is not history to us, it’s life experience to us.”
The sharpest memories of discrimination for Bell seem to be the HIV/AIDS crisis that killed hundreds of thousands of LGBTQ people across the U.S. during the 1980s. The epidemic peaked in 2004, killing 1.9 million in one year, according to UNAIDS, a United Nations advocacy agency.
Patients with HIV/AIDs, as well as other LGBTQ people at the time, faced discrimination in health care, employment, housing — and the community was forced to create its own safe spaces.
“Many of the brick-and-mortar institutions that exist in the LGBT community are those that we had to build ourselves because we could not seek shelter or care in other places,” Bell told ABC News.
Lujira Cooper, 73, is an Edie Windsor SAGE Center participant in New York.
Bell lives in one of few spaces created specifically for LGBTQ elderly people in the country. New York, California and Illinois are among the states where inclusive housing is easier to obtain, and organizations like SAGE are trying to help ensure access to more.
SAGE is working to build housing specifically designed for LGBTQ elders, to change laws and policies that protect elders from discrimination, and offer centers, programs and more to keep elders safe while they live alone.
However, Adams said, they can’t do the work alone.
“We need people in power — our legislators, our governors — to understand that our elders have given so much to our society,” he said. “They have worked so hard over so many decades, and it is profoundly wrong that because of who they love, and because of who they are, that in the later years of their life, they are left completely vulnerable to discrimination mistreatment. That has to change.”
Lujira Cooper, a 73-year-old lesbian woman, has never been had to hide her sexuality, but she said she understands the pain that being closeted, or re-closeted, can cause.
“It’s a form of isolation, traumatic, and I can see it creating a case of more suicides,” Cooper explained. “You don’t want to have to go through that again just to get a place to live and be safe and cared for and comfortable. And it’s a fight, and unfortunately it’s a fight that’s still going on.”
For National Coming Out Day, Oct. 11, Cooper urges people of all sexualities and gender identities to stand up for LGBTQ seniors — people who’ve played big roles in the gay rights movement’s success.
“Community is really important and finding like-minded people who will fight with and for you is a major task for senior LGBT people,” Cooper said.
Adams agrees: “We had to fight for the right to get old. We’re not willing to accept that we’re going to be treated like pariahs and made invisible in our old age. We won’t accept that.”
Maybe you got a tingle down there during Portrait of a Lady on Fire (#relatable). Perhaps you’ve only been attracted to women your whole life, but now you’re having wild sex dreams feat. your swoony male Peloton instructor. Or maybe you’ve been smooching people across the gender spectrum for years, and are just now trying to find a label that fits. Whatever the reason, if you’re exploring your sexuality (or want to be), you’ve landed in the right place.
“It is absolutely normal and common to explore your sexuality to figure out what and who you like and don’t like at one or more point in your life,” says queer sex educator Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a sexpert for Lovers adult wellness brand and retailer. In fact, one 12,000 person survey published in Journal of Sex Research found that sexuality changes substantially (substantially!) between adolescence and early twenties, and then again from early twenties to late twenties, which suggests that exploring your sexuality is not just common, but necessary in order to achieve self-knowing.
As for WTF your sexuality is exactly? Washington-based sex therapist Katrina Knizek says sexuality is a big, broad term that names a number of things. These include: who you are sexually attracted to, who you are romantically attracted to, your preferred relationship structure, how you like to be touched, the time of day you like to have sex, your erotic content preferences, your past and current beliefs about sex, your kinks and fetishes, your past sexual experiences, and more.
But typically, when people talk about ~exploring their sexuality~, they want to figure out who they have the capacity to be sexually, romantically, or emotionally attracted to (a.k.a their sexual orientation), Knizek says. And if that’s why you’re here, you’re in luck: Ahead, queer sex educators and therapists offer tips to help you Dora The Explorer your sexual orientation.
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First of all, do I even need to label my sexuality?
Big nope! For some folks, labels offer identity security. Gabi, 28, Boston, says, “For me, identifying as bisexual feels like coming home.” Using the term, she explains, allows her to own and feel valid in her lived experiences.
“Labeling yourself also offers the benefits of helping you more easily find people with similar experiences to enter a community with,” says Knizek. (Think: lesbian book club or bisexual bowlers.) Having a label(s) can also be helpful when you’re actively dating. “It gives you something to put in your Tinder bio, or allows you to name the genders you’re interested in if someone offers to set you up,” she adds.
At the same time, others find sexuality labels suffocating. “I’ve dated people—women, men, and non-binary people—but I don’t want to identify as bisexual, pansexual, or omnisexual because labeling myself feels like boxing myself in,” Ash, 22, Hartford says.
Even still, some people find one label ineffective at naming their desires, and choose to stack two or more labels together. Personally, I identify as a queer, bisexual dyke because the trio names my lived experience better than any label individually.
Before you decide to buck labels altogether or add one (or more) of them to your identity laundry list, you should know what the common sexual orientation terms are. Here are several to consider:
Allosexual: The opposite of asexual, people who are allosexual regularly experience sexual attraction or desire.
Asexual: Asexuality is an identity and/or orientation that includes individuals who don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone, of any gender.
Bicurious: Bicurious is a label for folks who are exploring whether or not they are bisexual. Typically, “bicurious” is seen as a temporary identity.
Bisexual: Describes people who have the capacity for sexual, romantic, or emotional attraction to people with genders similar to their own, and dissimilar to their own. Sometimes also defined as attraction to two or more genders.
Demisexual: An orientation on the asexuality spectrum, demisexuality describes people who only have the capacity to experience sexual attraction towards someone(s) they already have a romantic or emotional connection with.
Fluid: Describes people whose sexual orientation changes over time, or is constantly in flux.
Gay: Names individuals who are sexually attracted to individuals with genders that are the same or similar to their own.
Graysexual: Also on the asexuality spectrum, “graysexuality” is a term people use if they rarely experience sexual attraction.
Lesbian: The most historically accurate definition of lesbian is non-men who are attracted to other non-men. But sometimes, the term is also defined as women who experience attraction to people of the same or similar gender.
Omnisexual: Used to describe individuals who have the potential to be attracted to folks of all genders.
Pansexual: Names people who can experience attraction to any person, regardless of their gender.
Queer: An umbrella term someone might use if they are not heterosexual, not allosexual, or not cisgender. Sometimes used by people who don’t fit neatly into any other sexual orientation category.
Questioning: A temporary label for someone who is currently curious about their sexuality.
Okay, what if want to explore my sexuality, but I’m in a relationship?
Fingers crossed it’s a happy, healthy, and fulfilling one. And if your ‘ship is, good news: It’s still entirely possible to explore your sexuality and/or sexual orientation while boo-ed up. That holds true whether you’re in a monogamous relationship (meaning, you are each other’s one and only), or in an open or polyamorous relationship (you’re able to explore other people sexually, romantically, and/or emotionally).
“Your sexual orientation exists and is valid whether you are actively dating and sleeping with the gender, or all the genders you’re attracted to,” says Knizek. In other words, you’re still bisexual if you’re only sleeping with someone of a different gender than you, and you can still be lesbian if currently dating a man. “Self-identification, not current or past relationship or sexual history, determines sexual orientation,” she says. Noted!
How exactly can I explore my sexuality?
To start your sexploration, Knizek recommends filling your social feed with folks across the sexuality spectrum. “These influencers will give you a sense of who you can be, or what your future might look like,” she says. So, as you scroll, notice which creators you see yourself in.
If you’re a Very Offline Person™ (jelly!), you could intentionally and respectfully put yourself in queer spaces. For instance, you might grab a beer at your local queer bar, or buy your next read from a queer-owned bookstore. Also worth trying: listening to an LGBTQ podcast.
Next, reflect, reflect, and reflect some more. Knizek suggests spending some time noodling or penning on questions like:
Who do I feel most magnetically drawn to in my life?
In what ways do I want to explore my sexuality?
Where did I learn compulsory heterosexuality?
What label(s) feel good coming out of my mouth?
Oh, and don’t forget, you can masturbate! Defined as any practice of self-pleasure, a regular masturbation practice can help you understand what and who turns you on. “As you touch yourself, fantasize about a variety of genders, and watch straight and queer (ethical) porn, to discover who you’re most drawn to,” says Knizek.
Do I need to come out?
You may want to tell someone(s) that you’re currently exploring your sexuality, or that you did explore your sexuality and settled on a new label(s). Or, you may not want to. Either way, you don’t need to do anything. “It’s a personal decision,” says Knizek.
On one hand, “sharing your sexuality with other people can be a powerful, wonderful, and affirming experience,” she says. On the other, if the receiver doesn’t respond to the news with the kindness you deserve (*side eye*), it can also be a scary, stability-slashing experience.
Stewart’s suggestion: “If you are dependent on someone or if coming out could put you in danger, weigh the benefits and consequences of sharing this information to ensure your own personal safety.” And if telling someone does result in a sticky situation, do what you can to get to a place of safety ASAP. Maybe even call The Trevor Project, an LGBTQ youth service center, at 866-488-7386 for help or guidance.
The bottom line: Knizek emphasizes that while many people are nervous about exploring their sexuality, the process “can be fun and fulfilling.” And who knows? You might have some great solo, partnered, or multi-partnered nookie along the way—or simply find a new group of pals.
It’s time, once again, to post my annual pride posting.
In my lifetime I’ve witnessed a most remarkable change in societal attitudes toward those of us on the sexual fringe. One only needs to go back 50 years in time. I was 17 years old then and I knew I was queer. When I looked out on the world around me this is what I saw. Homosexuality was deemed a mental disorder by the nation’s psychiatric authorities, and gay sex was a crime in every state but Illinois. Federal workers could be fired merely for being gay.
Today, gays and trans folks serve openly in the military, work as TV news anchors and federal judges, win elections as big-city mayors and members of Congress. Popular TV shows have gay and trans protagonists.
Six years ago this month, a Supreme Court ruling lead to the legalization of same-sex marriage throughout the whole country.
The transition over five decades has been far from smooth — replete with bitter protests, anti-gay violence, backlashes that inflicted many political setbacks, and AIDS. Unlike the civil rights movement and the women’s liberation movement, the campaign for gay rights unfolded without household-name leaders.
And yet some still experience a backlash in the dominant culture. I don’t relish the idea, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it. And while we endure this be reminded that it won’t smart nearly as much if we know our history. And we should also remember the immortal words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “The moral arc of the universe bends at the elbow of justice.”
In honor of gay pride month, a little sex history lesson — The Stonewall Riots
The confrontations between demonstrators and police at The Stonewall Inn, a mafia owned bar in Greenwich Village NYC over the weekend of June 27-29, 1969 are usually cited as the beginning of the modern Lesbian/Gay liberation Movement. What might have been just another routine police raid on a bar patronized by homosexuals became the pivotal event that sparked the entire modern gay rights movement.
The Stonewall riots are now the stuff of myth. Many of the most commonly held beliefs are probably untrue. But here’s what we know for sure.
In 1969, it was illegal to operate any business catering to homosexuals in New York City — as it still is today in many places in the world. The standard procedure was for New York City’s finest to raid these establishments on a regular basis. They’d arrest a few of the most obvious ‘types’ harass the others and shake down the owners for money, then they’d let the bar open as usual by the next day.
Myth has it that the majority of the patrons at the Stonewall Inn were black and Hispanic drag queens. Actually, most of the patrons were probably young, college-age white guys lookin for a thrill and an evening out of the closet, along with the usual cadre of drag queens and hustlers. It was reasonably safe to socialize at the Stonewall Inn for them, because when it was raided the drag queens and bull-dykes were far more likely to be arrested then they were.
After midnight June 27-28, 1969, the New York Tactical Police Force called a raid on The Stonewall Inn at 55 Christopher Street in NYC. Many of the patrons who escaped the raid stood around to witness the police herding the “usual suspects” into the waiting paddywagons. There had recently been several scuffles where similar groups of people resisted arrest in both Los Angeles and New York.
Stonewall was unique because it was the first time gay people, as a group, realized that what threatened drag queens and bull-dykes threatened them all.
Many of the onlookers who took on the police that night weren’t even homosexual. Greenwich Village was home to many left-leaning young people who had cut their political teeth in the civil rights, anti-war and women’s lib movements.
As people tied to stop the arrests, the mêlée erupted. The police barricaded themselves inside the bar. The crowd outside attempted to burn it down. Eventually, police reinforcements arrived to disperse the crowd. But this just shattered the protesters into smaller groups that continued to mill around the streets of the village.
A larger crowd assembled outside the Stonewall the following night. This time young gay men and women came to protest the raids that were commonplace in the city. They held hands, kissed and formed a mock chorus line singing; “We are the Stonewall Girls/We wear our hair in curls/We have no underwear/We show our pubic hair.” Don’t ‘cha just love it?
Police successfully dispersed this group without incident. But the print media picked up the story. Articles appeared in the NY Post, Daily News and The Village Voice. Theses helped galvanize the community to rally and fight back.
Within a few days, representatives of the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis (two of the country’s first homophile rights groups) organized the city’s first ever “Gay Power” rally in Washington Square. Some give hundred protesters showed up; many of them gay and lesbians.
The riots led to calls for homosexual liberation. Fliers appeared with the message: “Do you think homosexuals are revolting? You bet your sweet ass we are!” And the rest, boys and girls, is as they say is history.
During the first year after Stonewall, a whole new generation of organizations emerged, many identifying themselves for the first time as “Gay.” This not only denoted sexual orientation, but a radical way to self-identify with a growing sense of open political activism. Older, more staid homophile groups soon began to make way for the more militant groups like the Gay Liberation Front.
The vast majority of these new activists were under thirty; dr dick’s generation, don’t cha know. We were new to political organizing and didn’t know that this was as ground-breaking as it was. Many groups formed on colleges campuses and in big cities around the world.
By the following summer, 1970, groups in at least eight American cities staged simultaneous events commemorating the Stonewall riots on the last Sunday in June. The events varied from a highly political march of three to five thousand in New York to a parade with floats for 1200 in Los Angeles. Seven thousand showed up in San Francisco.
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