Category: Bisexuality

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Sex Ed Often Leaves Out Queer People.

Here’s What To Know

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Sex can be a nerve-racking experience no matter what. That’s especially true if you have no clue what to do. And since LGBTQ+ topics are often left out of the conversation in school sex ed classes, many queer people know this feeling well.

There is no national mandate for sex education in the U.S., and even in the states that do provide courses, homosexuality is often disregarded or vilified. According to the organization SIECUS: Sex Ed For Social Change, nine states require educators to portray homosexuality in a negative manner or do not allow them to speak about LGBTQ individuals, while only 11 states require classes to include affirming sexual orientation instruction. That number shrinks to seven when SIECUS accounts for states that mandate affirming instruction about both sexual health and gender identity.

It’s a hotly debated topic being taken up by state legislatures now.

Aside from leaving some queer people in a panic searching for “how to have sex” online, there are consequences when students don’t receive a proper sex education. For example, lesbian and bisexual youth or those with both male and female partners experience a higher rate of unintended pregnancies when compared to their heterosexual peers.

Some sexuality educators are pushing for comprehensive sex education, which would include topics relevant to queer students, that leave behind abstinence-only and shame-based messages.

Life Kit spoke with sexuality educators to understand what sex education could look like for queer students.

Get to know your body and discover what pleasure feels like to you.

Ericka Hart, a sexuality educator with a focus in racial, social and gender justice, reminds us that messages about sex in education and in the media are typically for a white, cisgender and straight audience. To get a better understanding of what you like, “I think it’s a matter of just taking in messages that you’re receiving from the world and seeing if they are fit or not,” they say. If those messages don’t fit or affirm you, Hart suggests masturbation as a way to unlearn that in order to discover what does please you.

Another way to figure out what you do or don’t like can be through watching porn. If this is your preference, consider watching porn created by queer performers — and make sure it’s made ethically, by paying performers and using safe practices.

There isn’t a singular or “right” way to have sex.

Historically, sex education in the U.S. has revolved around the idea that sex involves a penis and vagina. However, it can involve different kinds of genitalia, body parts or none of the above. Sex is whatever brings you pleasure.

“Just because you are queer doesn’t mean that there’s such a thing called queer sex,” Ericka Hart says. “We all have sex differently. It’s really just [however] you are defining it.”

Sexuality educator Melina Gioconda Davis, who also goes by their stage name “Melina Gaze,” is co-founder and director at Vulgar, a sex education project in Mexico. “When we’re looking to explore our sexuality, or our pleasure, it’s a really great tool to think of our explorations as pleasure-oriented instead of goal-oriented,” Gaze says. In other words, the end goal doesn’t need to be an orgasm.

Communication should be ongoing with sexual partners to make sure everyone is comfortable and satisfied.

Of course, consent is always necessary. Hart says how you communicate what you want is also important. “I” statements are good to communicate what you find pleasurable. Be forthright about what you want and discuss with your sex partner(s) where you all agree. If someone draws a boundary, respect it and move on. This communication will evolve over time. Ensuring that a person is comfortable with terms or sexual acts that continue to affirm their identity is crucial.

Hart recommends Scarleteen’s “Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist” to discover what your physical and non-physical boundaries are. It reviews questions like whether you are comfortable with your top off with a partner, whether you want to be the one to put on the condom, whether you want to share your sexual history with your partner and more. (Life Kit has a whole episode on navigating consent, too.)

Don’t let shame or stigma prevent you from caring for your sexual health.

Melina Gaze believes a big priority for sexuality educators should be to reduce the stigma and shame surrounding STIs. Gaze says testing is important and a great way to check your status. They recommend speaking with a trusted physician to decipher what your individual risk assessment looks like. “Risk is not a moral judgment,” they say, “it’s kind of like a statistical equation.” If you don’t have access to healthcare services, you can also visit a community clinic like a Planned Parenthood for testing and treatment.

Gaze also believes that sexual health includes mental, emotional and physical health. “I think sexual health has to do with general bodily well-being,” Gaze says. “Are the social conditions present for me to be able to feel good as a sexual being?”

And, it’s important to remember that sexual health is intersectional. “We’re not just individuals, right? We’re inserted in structures that go beyond just individual social structures, like racism, like classism, like ableism. And those things impact how we have sex. They impact whether we feel entitled to our bodies or not.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Am I BiSexual?

16 Signs That It Ain’t No Lie, You’re Bi Bi Bi

by Lianna Bass

Bisexual (aka bi) peeps are romantically or sexually interested in more than one gender. But NGL, that definition is a bit basic. The sexual spectrum is a vast, beautiful, and sometimes confusing thing.

“Our culture is so oriented to binaries, it can be easy to feel pressured to ‘pick a side’ when it comes to sexual orientation,” says Dove Pressnall, MA, LMFT. “The reality is that, across cultures, human sexual experience and identity fall along a spectrum.”

Bi folks might be interested in one gender more than the other. Or they like all genders equally. It’s also totally normal for your feelings to change over time.

Here are 16 signs that you might be a bi babe.

1. Gender doesn’t matter to you

Can a person be attracted to someone regardless of the junk they’re rocking down under? Heck yes! For bi peeps, it’s more about how you feel about a person. Their gender doesn’t always matter as much.

PSA: This doesn’t mean you’re going to be romantically or sexually interested in everyone.

2. You think TV or movie characters are hot

If you’re into Ross and Rachel… or Jim and Pam… etc. you might be attracted to multiple genders. Maybe you even noticed this when you were a kid.

Obviously, this isn’t a definitive test. But it could help you start an internal chat about what you want, what you really really want.

3. Conflicting feels

Bisexuality — or any sexuality — isn’t black-and-white. So bi feelings can be uber confusing, especially if you’ve preferred one gender your whole life.

These feelings are 100 percent normal. The confusion should get better over time once you explore your feelings and desires a bit more.

4. It doesn’t have to be 50/50

Sexuality isn’t one-size-fits-all. Everyone has their own romantic preferences and sex styles. Bi peeps are no different.

You don’t have to evenly divide your interest between all genders. You can go through periods where you’re more interested in one than another. Or you can prefer one gender romantically and another gender sexually. There’s no exact science here.

5. You question your dreams

You can analyze your dreams all day long but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Your dreams don’t have to mean much or anything at all. But if you can’t stop thinking about a bi-tastic dream, there might be a reason.

6. You dig the label

Sometimes the label “bi” just fits. If you feel comfortable with this label it’s a good indicator that you’re bi.

Keep in mind, you DO NOT have to label yourself as bi. You could also relate to labels like bicurious, biromantic, cupiosexual, fluid, queer, omnisexual, pansexual, panromantic, olysexual, or something else. You can also just say “no” to all labels which is totally cool too.

7. You relate to other bi or queer people

When a celeb comes out as bi or queer, do you feel a sense of pride? Or maybe there’s a new bi character on your fave show and you think, “IT ME!”

While this doesn’t mean you’re bi (you could just be stoked someone is coming out as their authentic self) it could be an indicator.

8. You dig different types of porn

TBH porn may not count for much. You can find a genre of porn super hot but also might not be into it IRL. But if you’re super drawn to porn actors of any gender it might be a sign you’re down for a bi experience.

9. You can’t stop thinking about it

If you’re daydreaming about a beautiful bi love affair on the reg, it might be a sign you’re into any gender.

10. You like how it feels

Fantasizing about sex can be the bomb. But until you do the deed for realz, you might not know if you actually like it. Plus, everyone is different. Maybe you just didn’t vibe with the person you hooked up with.

11. You took a quiz

Taking an online “AM I BI?” quiz prob isn’t the best way to see if you’re a card-carrying LGBTQA+ member 🏳️‍🌈. But sometimes these quizzes can help you understand how you really feel which is a good thing.

12. You have a crush or are in luv

A crush can hit you like a ton of bricks. But it can be even more “WHAT IS HAPPENING?” vibes if you have romantic or sexual feelings for someone of a different gender than you’re used to.

Even if your crush doesn’t turn out to be “the one” it could still be a sign you’re interested in that gender in general.

13. You take it personally when someone disses #BiLife

Bi folks have to deal with A LOT of smack from all sides of the sexuality spectrum. Plenty of people assume that bi people are extremely sexually charged and that is why the whole “gender doesn’t matter” thing exists. There’s also the stigma of “you’re not gay enough” or “you’re not straight enough.”

If you’re bi you might take these unfair stigmas personally or feel hurt or attacked by them:

  • “It’s just a phase.”
  • “You’re just greedy.”
  • “You must be slutty.”
  • “You’re down for threesomes.”

And the biggie: “Bisexuality isn’t real.”

Well, let’s end the debate right now:

Bisexuality 👏 is 👏 real 👏. You do you.

14. You can picture a long-term relationship with any gender

A good way to tell if you’re bi is to visualize a long-term partnership with someone from any gender. You might feel more comfortable with one gender than another. Or, it all sounds great.

FYI: Bisexuality doesn’t vanish when you’re with a new person. When a bi person is in a gay or straight relationship, they’re still bi.

15. The bi flag is a source of pride

When pink, purple, and blue are combined it’s a glorious thing 💖💜💙. (Yet there’s still no bi flag emoji UGH!)

When you start to accept and love your bi-mazing self, it’s pretty clear that you know who you are. And you should be proud!

16. It just feels right

At the end of the day, the most important thing is doing what makes you happy. If a bi lifestyle is what works for you, then go for it!

If you’re questioning your bisexuality, here are some things you can ask yourself:

  • Am I attracted to two or more genders?
  • Is thinking about bi experiences fun or exciting?
  • Does the thought of being bi make me feel good?
  • Can I see myself being with any gender in the long-term?
  • Does gender matter to me in terms of a romantic or sexual partner?
  • Do I self-identify with other bi ppl (celebs, characters, or people I know)?

In 2013, the Pew Research Center asked 1,197 LGBT adults which orientation they most identified with. They found that 40 percent of participants identified as bi. Meanwhile, 36 percent identified as gay men, 19 percent identified as lesbians, and 5 percent identified as trans.

Granted, this is just one study. But it does shed a light on how many bi folks are out there!

“While some people will certainly strongly identify as either gay or straight, far more people fall somewhere in the middle,” says Pressnall.

Coming out is a super personal event. You don’t have to tell everyone (or anyone!) you know that you’re bi. But if you do want to come out, here are some tips to make it easier.

Come up with a plan. There’s really no right or wrong way to come out. It’s all about what you think is best. You might want to tell people face-to-face, in a letter, or via text.

Ease into it. You might want to tell a few trusted folks first. This might be easier than telling everyone all at once.

Figure out what you want to say. You can totes just go with the, “hey I’m bi, bye” text. But a lot of bi folks want to fully explain their feelings and emotions when they come out. Again, it’s about what feels right for you.

Decide if you want to give them a heads up. If you go with the in-person route, you can send them a text first. Here’s an example:

“Hey. I have something very important to tell you. But I would prefer to do it face-to-face or on the phone. Please let me know when you have a moment to talk. And don’t worry… it’s great news!”

Be prepared for their reaction. In a perfect world, your friends and family will all be super supportive and happy for you. But this doesn’t always happen. Just know that you’re valid, wanted, and loved no matter what anyone says.

Where to find support

Not everyone has a bisexual sherpa in their life. But you can find solace in other bi peeps on platforms like Reddit, Instagram, or YouTube.

Talk to a mental health care provider if your sexuality — or life in general — is making you feel stressed or sad. A queer-inclusive therapist might be best since they may have a deeper understanding of what you’re going through.

You can also look for local support groups or try a therapy app.

And remember… you’re far from alone ❤️.

The only person who gets to decide you’re bi is YOU! Don’t let anyone else tell you how you should feel about your sexuality. But if you are bi… CONGRATS, WOO!

Keep in mind, you don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Just remember that you’re perfect exactly as you are.

Reach out to a mental health specialist if you feel sad or confused about your sexuality. You can also find TONS of amazing, supportive bi communities online or in your local area.

You can check out the Bisexual Research Center to look for local support groups and connect with other bi peeps. There’s also lots of fab LGBTQA+ resources on GLAAD’s website.

P.S. There’s a thriving bisexual community on Reddit.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You shouldn’t feel pressured to define your sexuality

By Peyton Jeffers

How do you know if you’re gay or bi?

If you were like me at 12 years old, no amount of anxiously Googling “Am I gay?” or frantically taking quizzes that promise to reveal your true sexual orientation gave any insight into what your sense of sexual identity or lived experiences would be.

I turned to the internet for information because the messages I received in school or from popular culture about sexuality were not congruent with my thoughts and feelings. I felt I didn’t fit in either category I had been exposed to at the time — “gay” or “straight.”

So, if you’re asking yourself this question, you’re probably trying to describe your sexual identity to yourself and the people around you in a way that makes you feel comfortable. 

Questioning or challenging your sexuality can feel both confusing and isolating, but take a breath. You’re not alone.

Traditional models of understanding sexuality tend to center around one aspect: our sexual orientation. This model says you can be attracted to the same sex and/or gender, the opposite sex and/or gender, or people of either.

These models are limiting because their language and definitions often assume gender and sex are binary. They don’t account for aspects of sexuality outside of gender, such as the different kinds of sex or sensations we like or the levels of physical or emotional attraction we experience with others.

It might be helpful to consider who you are attracted to in these ways. 

Are you attracted to same-sex, different sex or intersex people? People who are androgynous, masculine or femme presenting? Are you attracted to people who are genderqueer, genderfluid, transgender and/or nonbinary? Simply people regardless of their gender presentation or sex?

If you’re afraid of claiming a specific identity because you’re unsure, then know you can also identify as gay, bisexual, questioning or otherwise without any experience or desire for physical intimacy. 

Relationships require vulnerability and an understanding of how to be romantically or emotionally available with other people, and sometimes these feelings don’t align with our behavior or sexual attraction.

Genevieve Labe, a Ph.D. student and adjunct faculty member teaching human sexuality at the IU School of Public Health, said they don’t think there’s a clear answer to the reader’s question because the way people ascribe labels to themselves varies person-to-person.

“How I might feel or determine how I identify could be so different for someone else,” they said. “I think whatever feels right in the moment is good. My question back to you is why do we need that label?”

Labe said labels can help us make sense of the world, but it’s important for us to think about the trauma labels have inflicted on people in the queer community, whether it be lingering stereotypes or forcing ourselves to stick to labels once we’ve claimed them.

How we interpret ourselves is dependent on the tools we have available. Knowing this, we can accept our sexualities are subject to change as new information and experiences become available over the course of our lives.

For example, if you’re someone who has identified as gay but end up feeling attraction to someone of a different gender, you shouldn’t feel pressured to prohibit that based on a label, Labe said.

On the contrary, it’s also completely valid to want to identify yourself with a label that feels most affirming to you when you use it.

“Labels should not be boxes into which we feel we must squeeze ourselves, but rather tools with which to communicate and to begin conversations,” Robyn Ochs, bisexual activist and editor of “Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World and Recognize,” said on her website.

If you feel safe and comfortable confiding in someone close to you, opening up about these feelings might alleviate some pressure. Your sexuality is also yours to share on your own terms — when and with whoever you want to.

Overall, whatever feels comfortable, makes you feel good about yourself and gives you a sense of community is what is right. You’re always allowed to change and reevaluate your needs and desires if you feel your identity doesn’t suit you anymore.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What does bicurious mean?

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.”

By Gina Tonic

Sexuality exists on a spectrum and if one end holds people who consider themselves to be 100 per cent gay or lesbian, towards the opposite end you’ll find a space for those who identify as bicurious. But, many of us don’t really know what bicurious means, and how it differs from heteroflexible or bisexual. It’s also said to contribute to bisexual erasure. So here’s what you need to know about bicuriosity.

What does bicurious mean?

Put simply (although the topic is actually quite nuanced and complex), bicuriosity refers to those who are interested in exploring their sexual identity with people of the same and other genders. Elyssa Rider, a sexual education and wellbeing specialist from Brook explains, “Bicurious is a term that means that someone is questioning their sexuality and where they fall on the spectrum. I think there can be a tendency for people to use this term when they have formerly identified at heterosexual but think they might be interested romantically or sexually in their own gender.”

Rider adds, “I also understand that some people identify with the term when they feel desire, but perhaps have not physically explored that yet.” The confusion over what bicurious can mean could easily be contributed to the lack of representation given to this sexuality. That said, one of the best scenes in Scott Pilgrim vs The World – a movie that has many incredible scenes – gives us a great insight into why the term is sometimes considered controversial in the queer community.

The scene plays out in the second half of the movie and focuses on Pilgrim’s realisation that he has been assuming all of Ramona Flowers’ “evil exes” are men. When forced to fight Roxie Richter, Flowers’ ex-girlfriend from college, it becomes clear that Flowers has been repeatedly and purposefully reinforcing that she has “seven evil exes” and not “seven evil ex boyfriends” for a reason. Still, Flowers flippantly dismisses the relationship as a “bicurious phase” and Richter – ready to attack – declares herself “bifurious”.

Why do some people dislike the term?

This scene is impeccable not only for getting every bisexual I know to put “bifurious” in their Tinder bio, but on a deeper level, representing the rage of many queer women who have been treated as a “phase” in an (otherwise straight) woman’s life rather than a valid relationship or viable long-term sexual partner. Cory Bush, a sex positive doula and queer sex educator, explains that this sentiment between queer and bicurious people is still a common one.

“Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be”

“A lot of queer people have been through the experience of being a bicurious person’s ‘experiment’ to help them explore their sexuality. There is nothing wrong with sexual exploration in itself, but when you are exploring your sexuality, it’s important to keep in mind that you’re navigating these feelings with real live people who have their own thoughts, feelings, desires, and boundaries.” Bush explains, “I don’t think the negative effect comes from bicuriosity itself, but rather when bicurious people forget to acknowledge and honour the humanity of the people who they are exploring with.”

This stigma that sees bicurious people as “using” other people to satisfy their questions surrounding sexuality, however, is one that many feel is attributed to those who identify as queer too. Emily, a 25-year-old bisexual, says she has no problem with the label bicurious or those that use it, but that “it becomes problematic when it’s used as a way to dismiss a bisexual person’s experience as experimentation alone or a phase they will grow out of.”

Pansexual Megan agrees, telling me, “I had been out as queer for about six months and explained to a colleague who knew me from a ‘straight-passing’ relationship that I had a crush on our female co-worker, and he asked if [I was] bicurious.” They continue, “I feel like cis straight people use the term bicurious to basically invalidate queer people who have recently come out, to suggest that it’s a phase.”

As well as affecting those more recently opening up about their identity like Megan suggests, Rider adds that she believes women and femme-presenting folk are more likely to suffer from the unsavoury stigmas that the term bicurious adds to the bisexual identity. “People can be dismissive, or suggest that someone is exploring their sexuality for attention.” She describes, “This is a jibe particularly levelled at women, whose sexuality is often viewed through the male gaze.”

Libby, a 27-year-old bisexual, similarly feels that the term is “patriarchal” and dated. “Bicurious is a term that is used to diminish a woman’s sexuality, because men can’t understand that a woman can have feelings for other women, which has nothing to do with the male gaze.” She adds, “It’s not just men either, other women have projected their similar reductive opinions towards bisexuality onto me.”

It’s not just straight people who can be bicurious

While the assumption with bicuriosity is that those subscribing to this label are straight people wishing to test out their queer desires, this is not always the case. Tilda, a 20-year-old bicurious lesbian, finds the term helpful in explaining her point of view. “It’s been really important for me to primarily identify as a lesbian, yet utilise the bicurious label when I’m still figuring my sexuality out.” She considers, “It helps me retain my core identity as a dyke, which is so significant to who I am – but a dyke who occasionally wants to try men!”

“You can have any sexual identity and it’s valid whether you ever explore it or not”

Just as it is unhelpful to bisexual people to assume all bisexual people are the same as bicurious people, so too is it invalidating to infer that all those using the bicurious descriptor are straight individuals looking to experiment with queerness. As Tilda says, bicurious can be used as a label for anyone with a monosexual (those attracted to only one gender) identity looking to explore outside of the gender they are typically attracted to.

As Bush put it, the problem with bicuriosity isn’t the people who want to explore their sexuality – especially in a society where heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality is so dominant – but the stereotypes associated with wanting to do. Experimenting with your identity is not a negative, but the toxic tropes around doing so can be.

Rider adds, “you can have any sexual identity and it would be valid no matter whether you ever explored it romantically or sexually or not. It is also important to remember that it is okay if you explore your sexuality and change your mind about how you identify.” She finishes, “Sexuality is fluid, and it’s perfectly natural to change your opinion about something as you gain more knowledge and experience in other areas of your life, so why not this?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s a handy glossary of LGBTQ+ terms for allies to commit to memory

Because the words we use matter.

By Ali Pantony

Terminology and naming are essential to marginalised communities, and many have their own language to communicate who they are and the societal struggles they face.

For LGBTQ+ allies, committing these terms to memory is a crucial part of furthering our allyship and learning about the community.

It’s important to note that some terms carry derogatory connotations but have been reclaimed by the LGBTQ+ community over time, and shouldn’t be used about someone unless you’re fully aware that they identify with them. Additionally, because some of these terms are so personal, they carry slightly different meanings for different individuals.

Here’s Stonewall’s guide to LGBTQ+ terms and definitions. It isn’t exhaustive, rather, it’s a good starting point to further our education…

ACE

Ace is an umbrella term used to describe a variation in levels of romantic and/or sexual attraction, including a lack of attraction. Ace people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including, but not limited to, asexual, aromantic, demis and grey-As.
​

ALLY

A (typically) straight and/or cis person who supports members of the LGBT community.
​

BI

Bi is an umbrella term used to describe a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards more than one gender. Bi people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including, but not limited to, bisexual, pan, queer, and some other non-monosexual and non-monoromantic identities.
​

BIPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone who identifies as bi based on prejudice or negative attitudes, beliefs or views about bi people. Biphobic bullying may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, bi.

BUTCH

Butch is a term used in LBT culture to describe someone who expresses themselves in a typically masculine way. There are other identities within the scope of butch, such as ‘soft butch’ and ‘stone butch’. You shouldn’t use these terms about someone unless you know they identify with them.
​

CISGENDER OR CIS

Someone whose gender identity is the same as the sex they were assigned at birth. Non-trans is also used by some people.

COMING OUT

When a person first tells someone/others about their orientation and/or gender identity.
​

DEADNAMING

Calling someone by their birth name after they have changed their name. This term is often associated with trans people who have changed their name as part of their transition.

FEMME

Femme is a term used in LGBT culture to describe someone who expresses themselves in a typically feminine way.
There are other identities within the scope of femme, such as ‘low femme’, ‘high femme’, and ‘hard femme’. You shouldn’t use these terms about someone unless you know they identify with them.

GAY

Refers to a man who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards men. Also a generic term for lesbian and gay sexuality – some women define themselves as gay rather than lesbian. Some non-binary people may also identify with this term.

GENDER

Often expressed in terms of masculinity and femininity, gender is largely culturally determined and is assumed from the sex assigned at birth.

GENDER DYSPHORIA

Used to describe when a person experiences discomfort or distress because there is a mismatch between their sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
This is also the clinical diagnosis for someone who doesn’t feel comfortable with the sex they were assigned at birth.

GENDER EXPRESSION

How a person chooses to outwardly express their gender, within the context of societal expectations of gender. A person who does not conform to societal expectations of gender may not, however, identify as trans.

GENDER IDENTITY

A person’s innate sense of their own gender, whether male, female or something else (see non-binary below), which may or may not correspond to the sex assigned at birth.

GENDER REASSIGNMENT

Another way of describing a person’s transition. To undergo gender reassignment usually means to undergo some sort of medical intervention, but it can also mean changing names, pronouns, dressing differently and living in their self-identified gender.

Gender reassignment is a characteristic that is protected by the Equality Act 2010, and it is further interpreted in the Equality Act 2010 approved code of practice. It is a term of much contention and is one that Stonewall’s Trans Advisory Group feels should be reviewed.

GENDER RECOGNITION CERTIFICATE (GRC)

This enables trans people to be legally recognised in their affirmed gender and to be issued with a new birth certificate. Not all trans people will apply for a GRC and you currently have to be over 18 to apply. You do not need a GRC to change your gender markers at work or to legally change your gender on other documents such as your passport.

GILLICK COMPETENCE

A term used in medical law to decide whether a child (under 16 years of age) is able to consent to their own medical treatment, without the need for parental permission or knowledge.

HETEROSEXUAL / STRAIGHT

Refers to a man who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards women or to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards men.

HOMOSEXUAL

This might be considered a more medical term used to describe someone who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards someone of the same gender. The term ‘gay’ is now more generally used.

HOMOPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone, based on prejudice or negative attitudes, beliefs or views about lesbian, gay or bi people. Homophobic bullying may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, lesbian, gay or bi.

INTERSEX

A term used to describe a person who may have the biological attributes of both sexes or whose biological attributes do not fit with societal assumptions about what constitutes male or female. Intersex people may identify as male, female or non-binary.

Stonewall works with intersex groups to provide its partners and stakeholders information and evidence about areas of disadvantage experienced by intersex people but does not, after discussions with members of the intersex community, include intersex issues as part of its current remit at this stage.

LESBIAN

Refers to a woman who has a romantic and/or sexual orientation towards women. Some non-binary people may also identify with this term.

LESBOPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone because they are or are perceived to be a lesbian.

LGBT

The acronym for lesbian, gay, bi and trans.

NEURODIVERSE

A concept where neurological differences are recognised and respected in the same way as any other human difference.

NON-BINARY

An umbrella term for people whose gender identity doesn’t sit comfortably with ‘man’ or ‘woman’. Non-binary identities are varied and can include people who identify with some aspects of binary identities, while others reject them entirely.

ORIENTATION

Orientation is an umbrella term describing a person’s attraction to other people. This attraction may be sexual (sexual orientation) and/or romantic (romantic orientation). These terms refers to a person’s sense of identity based on their attractions, or lack thereof. Orientations include, but are not limited to, lesbian, gay, bi, ace and straight.

OUTED

When a lesbian, gay, bi or trans person’s sexual orientation or gender identity is disclosed to someone else without their consent.

PERSON WITH A TRANS HISTORY

Someone who identifies as male or female or a man or woman, but was assigned the opposite sex at birth. This is increasingly used by people to acknowledge a trans past.

PAN

Refers to a person whose romantic and/or sexual attraction towards others is not limited by sex or gender.

PASSING

If someone is regarded, at a glance, to be a cisgender man or cisgender woman. Cisgender refers to someone whose gender identity matches the sex they were ‘assigned’ at birth. This might include physical gender cues (hair or clothing) and/or behaviour which is historically or culturally associated with a particular gender.

PRONOUN

Words we use to refer to people’s gender in conversation – for example, ‘he’ or ‘she’. Some people may prefer others to refer to them in gender neutral language and use pronouns such as they/their and ze/zir.

QUEER

Queer is a term used by those wanting to reject specific labels of romantic orientation, sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It can also be a way of rejecting the perceived norms of the LGBT community (racism, sizeism, ableism etc). Although some LGBT people view the word as a slur, it was reclaimed in the late 80s by the queer community who have embraced it.

QUESTIONING

The process of exploring your own sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION

A person’s romantic attraction to other people, or lack thereof. Along with sexual orientation, this forms a person’s orientation identity.

Stonewall uses the term ‘orientation’ as an umbrella term covering sexual and romantic orientations.

SEX

Assigned to a person on the basis of primary sex characteristics (genitalia) and reproductive functions. Sometimes the terms ‘sex’ and ‘gender’ are interchanged to mean ‘male’ or ‘female’

SEXUAL ORIENTATION

A person’s sexual attraction to other people, or lack thereof. Along with romantic orientation, this forms a person’s orientation identity.

Stonewall uses the term ‘orientation’ as an umbrella term covering sexual and romantic orientations.

TRANS

An umbrella term to describe people whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth. Trans people may describe themselves using one or more of a wide variety of terms, including (but not limited to) transgender, transsexual, gender-queer (GQ), gender-fluid, non-binary, gender-variant, crossdresser, genderless, agender, nongender, third gender, bi-gender, trans man, trans woman,trans masculine, trans feminine and neutrois.

TRANSGENDER MAN

A term used to describe someone who is assigned female at birth but identifies and lives as a man. This may be shortened to trans man, or FTM, an abbreviation for female-to-male.

TRANSGENDER WOMAN

A term used to describe someone who is assigned male at birth but identifies and lives as a woman. This may be shortened to trans woman, or MTF, an abbreviation for male-to-female.

​TRANSITIONING

The steps a trans person may take to live in the gender with which they identify. Each person’s transition will involve different things. For some this involves medical intervention, such as hormone therapy and surgeries, but not all trans people want or are able to have this.

Transitioning also might involve things such as telling friends and family, dressing differently and changing official documents.

TRANSPHOBIA

The fear or dislike of someone based on the fact they are trans, including denying their gender identity or refusing to accept it. Transphobia may be targeted at people who are, or who are perceived to be, trans.

TRANSSEXUAL

This was used in the past as a more medical term (similarly to homosexual) to refer to someone whose gender is not the same as, or does not sit comfortably with, the sex they were assigned at birth. This term is still used by some although many people prefer the term trans or transgender.

UNDETECTABLE

HIV medication (antiretroviral treatment, or ART) works by reducing the amount of the virus in the blood to undetectable levels. This means the levels of HIV are so low that the virus cannot be passed on. This is called having an undetectable viral load or being undetectable. For more information, visit the Terrence Higgins Trust.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Tips For Exploring Your Sexuality While You’re in a Monogamous Relationship

By Gabrielle Kassel

I’m bisexual and very outspoken about it on social media. As such, a lot of bicurious and bisexual folks slide into my DMs to ask for advice. The most common question I receive? “I think I might be bi…but I’m in a monogamous relationship. What should I do?” The implication being that many believe bisexual monogamy to be impossible, and that’s very much not the case.

In fact, not only is it entirely possible to explore your sexual identity while you’re in a relationship—it’s actually recommended. By suppressing this type of soul-searching necessary to feel self-actualized, you run the risk of not being able to be your fullest, most honest self within any relationship you have. And that’s a losing situation for you and any partners you may have, in any relationship structure. So, how can you go about the sexploration without putting your current monogamous union at risk? Keep reading for expert tips.

Below, experts share 10 strategies for exploring bisexual monogamy

1. Talk with your partner

If your partner isn’t aware of your desire to explore your sexuality, loop them in if you feel safe in doing so. Withholding information from your partner can intensify the anxiety that they may react poorly.

Beyond quelling nerves, sharing with your partner can actually improve intimacy and trust within your relationship, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. “This might be an opportunity for you two to have a larger conversation about desires, fantasies, and new ways of being sexual,” they say. And, who knows? Maybe your partner is also interested in exploring their own sexuality.

2. Ask yourself how important it is to you to hook up with people of other genders

To be clear, it’s absolutely possible to explore your sexuality and affirm your queerness within a monogamous relationship. “You definitely don’t need to go hook up with a bunch of people to explore your sexuality,” says Kahn. “You don’t have to have experiences with anyone of any gender in order to confidently declare that you are bisexual, or queer, or pansexual.”

“You don’t need to hook up with a bunch of people to explore your sexuality. You don’t have to have experiences with anyone of any gender in order to confidently declare that you are bisexual, or queer, or pansexual.” —sex therapist Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t if you want to: “If you want to have experiences with people of genders different from your partner’s that is absolutely okay,” says Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual advocate, founder of Bi Girls Club, and author of the forthcoming book, How To Live With the Internet and Not Let It Ruin Your Life. “It doesn’t make you selfish.” In this case, you do need to be honest with your partner about your desires so you can make a decision together about whether or not you’re going to open up your relationship or break up.

3. Open up your relationship

“If you and your partner mutually decide to open up the relationship, it’ll be important to move at a pace of exploration that is comfortable for you both,” says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg the Patriarchy. “That means establishing clear boundaries around emotional and physical safety, determining how and how often you’re going to check in, and coming up with a game-plan to manage uncomfortable moments and feelings that are going to come up.”

To help you prepare for the difficulties of opening up a previously-closed partnership, she recommends hiring a queer-inclusive couples-therapist who specializes in non-monogamy. You could also read books together about opening your relationship.

4. Learn more about LGBTQ+ history

“Learning more about [LGBTQ+ history], is a great way to feel less alone and less isolated in your experience,” says Matatas. “It can also help put context into some of the shame or challenges or discomfort you might be experiencing by helping you understand the social location in history [of LGBTQ+ people] and how that still shapes a lot of our beliefs today. “

For bicurious folks, Kahn recommends giving @bihistory a follow on Instagram. As the account’s name suggests, its “sole purpose is to educate people about the history of bisexuality, bi communities, and queer activism.” Other LGBTQ+ history accounts to explore include: @blacklesbianarchives, @lesbianherstoryarchives, @h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y, @queerapalachia, and @LGBThistory.

5. Make queer friends

“Exploring queer community spaces in person and online, and making queer friends is another way to feel less alone in your budding queerness,” says Kahn. By using inclusive platforms—like the dating app Lex—you’ll meet folks who had similar experiences as you, which can help normalize what you’re feeling. Whether you’re looking for a bisexual reading group, queer friend to play Catan with, or more LGBTQ+ friends who work in your field, you can let other users know. You could also consult your local LGBTQ+ center, if you have one, for a list of upcoming LGBTQ+ events—whether digital or in person, if meeting up is a safe option for you.

6. Masturbate, masturbate, and masturbate some more

“Solo sex relieves all the pressures that can be associated with partnered sex and gives you space to play with your fantasies,” says Matatas. If while doing so, your mind wanders to the thought of you tasting your college roommate? Go with it! If you begin dreaming of strapping on for your hot, out co-worker? Dream on!

7. Flip on porn

From threesomes and group sex to strap-on sex and scissoring, Matatas recommends watching a wide variety of (paid) porn to see what intrigues you. “Enjoying queer porn doesn’t necessarily mean you’re queer,” says queer sex educator Andy Duran, education director for Good Vibrations. “But it may teach you about some sex acts you want to learn more about.”

But, since porn is entertainment, not education, learning how to make the sex acts you see a safe and pleasurable option to try in your real life may require asking Google or a sex educator.

8. Don’t forget about non-visual porn

Visual porn is great, but don’t snooze on audio and written erotica, either—both of which allow pleasure-seekers to fill in the blanks and envision themselves in a scene.

Given that so much audio and written erotica is also created by women and nonbinary folks for women and nonbinary folks, the resulting content tends to focus on the whole pleasure experience above climax.

9. Journal

“Journaling allows you to explore your queer sexuality and think about what that means to you,” says Kahn. They recommend the following journal prompts:

  1. What does it feel like when I say my identity out loud?
  2. What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word queer/bisexual/pansexual?
  3. Where in my body do I feel my queerness the most?
  4. How can I express my queerness in my sex life with my current partner?
  5. How can I celebrate my queerness with my friends? What about with my partner?
  6. What still feels distant and unknowable about my sexuality?
  7. If relevant, why am I having trouble connecting with my sexuality? What are my roadblocks?
  8. How did/does “straightness” show up in my life before beginning to explore my sexuality?
  9. How did/does compulsory heterosexuality influence the way my partner(s) and I behave around and toward one another?
  10. In what ways does exploring my sexuality feel healing to me?

10. Check out chat rooms

If it’s within the boundaries of your relationship with your partner, Matatas suggests diving into the wonderful world of chat rooms. From Chaturbate and Talk With Strangers to Instagram and Twitter DMs, chatting with strangers “can allow you to talk through and explore new sex acts than what you’re exploring with your partner,” says Matatas. Just be safe about it by making sure you don’t share any identifiable info with the folks on the other end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does Bi-Curious Mean, and How Is It Different From Bisexuality?

These two terms mean very different things.

By Jessica Migala

Bisexuality is a sexual identity most people are at least a little familiar with. But what about the term bi-curious—is this a separate identity as well, or is it part of being bisexual? How do you know if you’re bi-curious, anyway? Because the word can be confusing, we asked experts to weigh in and clear up some questions and misconceptions.

What is bi-curious?

Let’s say you identify as a heterosexual woman, but you find yourself fantasizing about pursuing a sexual encounter with another woman. Maybe she’s someone you know, someone you’ve met very briefly, or even someone you saw while watching porn. Either way, the term bi-curious would likely apply to you—whether you have a sexual encounter with that person or not.

Bi-curious generally means that a person wants to explore sexual activity with a person of a gender identity different than the gender they are usually attracted to, Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist, owner of sexuality education company Velvet Lips, and faculty member at Clayton State University in Georgia, tells Health. For example, a heterosexual woman might desire a sexual relationship with another woman, or a woman who identifies as a lesbian might find herself interested in having sex with a man. It could be a specific person, or the attraction might be to a different gender as a whole.

This attraction might stay in your mind and never turn into a real encounter. Or it might make you want to see what they’re all about. “You might reflect on your childhood interactions and feelings and realize you didn’t get to explore a facet of yourself due to [factors like] social restrictions, religion, [and more],” Stewart says. Ultimately, this “might mean that you are more open-minded than you previously thought, and you might be ready to step into your authenticity,” she adds.

Does being bi-curious mean you’re gay?

It might. If you’re a heterosexual woman, maybe after some self-reflection and exploration you decide you have an identity as a lesbian. But you might also call yourself bisexual, heterosexual, or use another sexual identity that speaks more truly to who you are. That’s for you to decide.

What’s the difference between bi-curious and bisexual?

The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) defines bisexuality as “someone who can be attracted to more than one gender.” However, this LGBTQ+ advocacy group says that many adults also use the term bisexual in a broader way, to describe that they have the potential to be romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex or gender. The latter definition allows for more flexibility and fluidity.

What should I do if I think I’m bi-curious?

If you’re bi-curious, you don’t have to rush to figure it out. “The term bi-curious really is designed to help people identify a burgeoning or existing curiosity without really committing to any kind of identity around their sexuality. That’s the distinction between being bi-curious and bisexual,” Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, PACT-couples therapist, and founder of the mental and sexual health practice Modern Intimacy, tells Health. “Bi-curious gives people permission to entertain their arousal and explore how it takes shape without making a commitment.”

If you realize you’re bi-curious, it can feel a little scary, acknowledges Balestrieri. “Your likes and arousal can change over time. People often feel like they have to come to some crystalized understanding of their sexuality and that’s the pattern they have for the rest of their life,” she says. But it’s hardly uncommon for people to realize they’re attracted to a different gender—and then decide if they want to pursue a sexual encounter or not.

When should I start exploring being bi-curious?

“You should only act if you have weighed the benefits and consequences and feel that you are ready to step into it,” advises Stewart. “Really evaluating your actions and not going into something blindly is the best thing that you could do for yourself.”

Those glimmers of attraction to more than one gender or people who are non-binary might represent something that will be more of a constant in your life, but you may or may not be ready to solidify your idea of your sexuality, explains Balestrieri. For more resources on navigating being bi-curious, Stewart recommends visiting bi.org.

A first step, however, might be to check out dating apps for people you might be interested in. If you feel shy or hesitant to point out your intention, it’s okay to say that you’re bi-curious, exploring, or just aren’t sure yet. What’s more, the pandemic is actually the perfect time to take things slow and get to know someone virtually, taking off the pressure to move forward before you’re really ready. You might also know that you’re ready now; there’s no timeline.

It’s also worth saying that you may be worried about other people’s opinions if bi-curious exploration becomes part of your sexual identity. “You get to define who you are attracted to and love, and no one else’s opinion needs to influence your sexuality. That’s easier said than done, though,” says Balestrieri. She suggests reaching out to others who are sex positive who will support you through this process of investigation. When you’re ready, take the steps forward in a pace that feels right. “Spend the time thinking about what’s emotionally, physically, and sexually safe for you,” she says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Biphobia Is Killing the ‘B’ in LGBTQ. Literally

Bisexual people have poorer mental, physical and sexual health than either heterosexuals or homosexuals. We explore why.

by Suryatapa Mukherjee

Bisexual+ people often feel like the protagonist of the Robert Frost poem The Road Not Taken. It feels like we are standing at a fork in the road, with two paths before us, one leading to the life of a heterosexual, the other taking us to the life of a homosexual. We are told this multiple times by our family, our friends, the queer community and mainstream society. We must make a choice, they say. But this notion of “choice” is what I believe lies at the root of all our problems. It is a false dilemma.

Both of these paths are traps.

Bisexuality+ is an umbrella term inclusive of anyone who experiences attraction to more than one gender. And no, it does not mean “50 percent gay and 50 percent straight” as many still believe. To say that bisexuality+ implies a choice, is to do a great disservice to the legacy of Chinnu Sulfikar whose death just some months ago brought the practice of conversion therapy to mainstream conversation. Her parents forced her into conversion therapy—a dangerous, illegal and inhuman practice that targets LGBTQ youth and seeks to change their sexual or gender identities—after she came out to them as bisexual.

I myself tried to make that “choice” and pretended to be straight for as long as I could. But that was essentially like inflicting emotional violence on myself. The pain of living a lie reached a crescendo and I eventually came out to my teenage boyfriend amid sobs. Even though my path to self-acceptance was paved with anxiety and trauma, I internalised the message that I had some sort of privilege over other queer people, because I could “go back” to the straight life.

There are bisexual+ people who come to the queer community finally expecting acceptance and understanding. In its place though, they often are faced with biphobia—a dislike or prejudice against bisexual people. Biphobia can range from invalidating the legitimacy of bisexuality as a real sexual orientation, stereotyping bisexual people, to perpetrating physical and sexual violence against them. The biphobia comes from both, straight people who think bisexuality is just an excuse for “keeping options open”, and from the queer community who often think we are “queer enough” only if we’re in same-sex relationships. In a way then, many bisexual people step out of the straight closest and find themselves to then be in a gay closet.

It is this double discrimination from both homosexuals and heterosexuals that’s often the cause for bisexual people’s poor mental health. A study found that 77.6 percent of bisexuals had contemplated suicide as compared to 11.7 percent of the general population.

Biphobia usually begins with our mind but it gradually wreaks havoc over our body. Bisexual+ people suffer more often from gastrointestinal problems, arthritis, and obesity than monosexuals. Additionally, bisexual+ men are less likely than gay men to be screened for HIV which could lead to undiagnosed or accidental transmission. The social isolation and psychological distress caused by biphobia leads people to engage in sexually risky behaviours, substance use and the avoidance of prevention services, thus increasing HIV/STI risk.

“I always pick and choose different parts of myself I can share with different people,” says Harjeet*, an HIV+ divorced man, who tells me he has never completely been himself with anyone. “I never told my ex-wife that I am bisexual+. I didn’t want to lose her because of it.” Harjeet is open about his sexuality with his gay friends but they are not exactly supportive. “They say that bisexuals just want a ‘hole’. They say I must pick a side.” When he had tested positive for HIV back in 2018, he’d seriously contemplated suicide. Thankfully, the HIV+ community rallied alongside him and made him believe he can have a long, healthy life.

Part of the reason behind bisexual people suffering from the laundry list of physical and mental ailments is also “minority stress”—the excess stress that people from stigmatised social categories experience as a result of their social position. It is the reason lesbian and bisexual+ women are 27 percent more likely to develop type 2 diabetes than heterosexual women.

However, such research does not include non-binary and transgender people. “Quite a few times, female friends distance themselves from me after I say that I’m pansexual,” says Yasha Juneja, a 25-year-old non-binary person with diabetes. “It doesn’t matter if I say they are not my type. It’s as if they are so straight that even being close to a non-straight person would stain them.” Peer rejection has stuck with Juneja like a thorn in their side. Such panphobia, along with gender dysphoria, has deeply harmed their mental health, and Juneja too has struggled with suicidal thoughts.

When a bisexual+ person is transgender, their risk for poor health—often resulting from substance use, depression and suicidal thoughts—rises higher. “Growing up, I battled an eating disorder along with depression and suicidal thoughts,” says Daman Halder, a pansexual trans man who is hurt more by transphobia than panphobia. However, even within the transgender community, his sexuality is not always welcome. “At a meeting of activists, a trans woman had asked me about my romantic interests. When I came out as pansexual, she reacted with shock, saying, ‘You’re a man so you should act like a man. Why do you want to fluctuate?’”

It is interesting how biphobia morphs with the intersectionalities of its target’s identity. Noor*, like many bisexual+ women, says that straight men think of threesomes when she comes out to them. Data shows the grim consequence of this stereotype. Nearly half of all bisexual+ women experience rape and three-quarters experience sexual violence. Researchers say its cause is the hypersexualisation of bisexual+ women, along with biphobia.

One of the reasons Noor’s ex, a lesbian, left her was her sexual orientation. “She said bisexual+ women can’t be trusted and they ultimately choose men due to familial pressure,” Noor says. Her ex preferred a lesbian over her. Noor is prone to self-harm, and sees a therapist to manage her anxiety.

All of these experiences lead to an inner turmoil and internalised biphobia. Harjeet is one of many who’d like to wish his bisexuality+ away. “I think bisexuality is the problem, not biphobia,” he says to me at the end of our conversation. “If I wasn’t bisexual, I’d be able to choose one path.”

I ask Harjeet to imagine a third road in the woods. What if he didn’t have to perform a “gay side” with his gay friends and a “straight side” with his straight family? He pauses. When Harjeet was a teenager, his grandfather had caught him with a boy on their terrace. The incident had inspired such shame in him that he had run a high fever back then. “Maybe if my grandfather had not scolded me, I wouldn’t have felt that shame. Maybe I would’ve told my ex-wife about my sexuality.” Harjeet tells me how this is the first time he has shared all parts of his story with someone, and that this has been therapeutic for him too. “Rejection teaches you to lie,” he tells me. “Rejection teaches you to reject yourself.”

*Names changed for anonymity

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4 Reasons Why You Think You’re Not Bisexual

— Even When You Are

by Melissa Fabello

As a proud (and loud about it) bisexual woman, I often find young queer (or questioning) women in my online inboxes — mostly asking if bisexual is the right label for them to use and describe their experiences of attraction.

Most commonly, I’m asked if bisexual identity is valid under certain conditions:

  • What if I’ve only ever dated cis men?
  • What if I’ve only ever been attracted to one non-binary person?
  • What if I fantasize about having sex with women, but might not want to do it IRL?

Yes. Your bisexual identity is valid “even if.” I’ve written about this at length here. And I encourage anyone questioning if they’re allowed to identify as bisexual to read that piece.

Here, I want to deep dive into why we struggle with bisexual identity — what ideas about sexuality we may have internalized that lead us to believe that we couldn’t possibly really be bisexual.

Of course, you don’t have to identify as bisexual if that doesn’t feel good for you, even if the description fits — but it’s worth exploring why.

The definition of bisexuality (as well as other bisexual umbrella identities, like pansexuality and omnisexuality) is as varied as bisexual experience itself. But bisexual activist Robyn Ochs’ definition is a great start: “the potential to be attracted — romantically and/or sexually — to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

It’s important to point out here that gender isn’t binary and that bisexuality can include attraction to any (and all) genders, including those that are non-binary. It’s not a trait you’re “born with”, and you don’t have to be attracted to all genders to be bisexual (although if your “I’m not attracted to all genders” sounds more like “I’m not attracted to trans or non-binary people,” you need to interrogate that).

Bisexuality, in short, is the attraction to multiple genders. The ways that those attractions show up can look different — but those differences don’t negate bisexuality.

The Orientation, Behavior, and Identity Model is a useful tool for sussing out how those three aspects of our sexuality can be mixed and matched in a thousand different ways.

Here’s the basic idea:

And while it’s super easy to understand that a woman who is only attracted to men (orientation) and has only ever dated men (behavior) may call herself straight (identity), we also need to understand that these aspects of our sexuality don’t have to “match” in order to be valid.

One woman can experience attraction to multiple genders (orientation); have historically only dated men, but fantasizes about having sex with women (behavior); and call herself straight (identity). Another woman can have the same orientation and behavior, but call herself bisexual. Hell, another woman can have the same orientation and behavior, but call herself a lesbian.

But even the orientation part of this can be complex: You can experience mostly attraction to x gender; deep, but not broad attraction to y gender; and next-to-no attraction to z gender and still identify as bisexual.

The idea is: These three things, while related, aren’t clear-cut. Our identity isn’t as simple as who we like, what we do with them, and what the numerical breakdown of our experiences with each gender look like.

There is a bisexual-specific myth out there that you can only really be bisexual if you have experienced sex with every gender you’re attracted to.

A teenager who hasn’t had sex yet, but who identifies as straight, isn’t questioned on their identity. An adult man who has recently come out as gay, despite many years being married to a woman, isn’t questioned on his identity. At least not at all as frequently as bisexual people are asked for receipts to prove our attractions.

You don’t have to have had sex with anyone to know who you’d like to have sex with.

And while sexual fantasy is not inherently indicative of our behavioral desires, it certainly can be. In sexology, we talk about the difference between masturbatory fantasy and partner fantasy. The former is stuff you like to think about to get yourself off, but isn’t something you need or want to experience in actuality. The latter is stuff you want to try for real!

You can masturbate to the idea of having sex with multiple genders, or you can watch pornography that features multiple genders, and not necessarily want to engage in sex with them. That’s totally valid. But you also can.

One of my favorite ways to shut down the “But have you ever?” line of questioning is to remind people that masturbation is sexual behavior, too. So if you’ve masturbated to the idea of x gender, even if you’ve yet to experience partnered sex with x gender, you’ve still technically engaged in sexual behavior with x gender.

While many people who experience bisexuality (sexual attraction to multiple genders) simultaneously experience biromanticism (romantic attraction to multiple genders), some bisexual people do not.

The split attraction model explains how, for some people, sexual and romantic attraction differs: the genders they’re sexually attracted to aren’t necessarily the genders they’re romantically attracted to.

For example, you can be bisexual and homo- (or queer-) romantic: You’re open to multiple genders sexually, but you only want to form romantic relationships with people of your same gender (or queer genders). You can be bisexual and aromantic: You’re open to multiple genders sexually, but you feel no (or little) desire for romantic relationships at all.

Of course, this can also work the other way around: You can experience romantic attraction to multiple genders, but sexual attraction to limited, one, or no gender(s).

The most common way that I see the split attraction model pop up in conversations about bisexuality is bisexual folks who name that they’re only romantically attracted to one gender — most often, the gender that they’re most culturally sanctioned to have relationships with, like bisexual women who only date (especially cis) men.

This is a completely valid experience.

You do not have to be biromantic to identify as bisexual.

And when we find that our attractions are in line with social expectations (e.g., “I’m a bisexual woman who only dates men, but who is open to experimenting with women”), we should ask ourselves how our socialization plays a role — and whether that is truly our natural inclination or if its acceptability is comfortable.

People of all genders can receive (and believe) damaging messaging about sexuality that confuses their ability to connect with their authentic selves. And one message that women often receive is that all women are at least kind of attracted to women — so that doesn’t necessarily make us queer.

The underlying notion of this myth seems to be that as women, our attraction to other women is frivolous or trivial — or even so expected to pop up now and then that we can brush it off as NBD.

Take the phrase “girl crush,” for example. While this tends to explain a particular phenomenon, where you idolize or otherwise appreciate another woman to the point that you want to be like her or be friends with her, it also undermines the possibility that maybe it’s just a crush-crush — and that’s okay! (Florence Given has a great t-shirt that says, “Maybe it’s a ‘girl crush.’ Maybe you’re queer.”)

Yes, there is a long history in sex research that claims that attraction strictly only to one gender is next to impossible. And when we consider that we don’t know a person’s gender just by looking at them, yes, the concept of monosexuality falls apart. But the idea that “everyone is a little bisexual” undermines the experience of folks who actively experience attraction to multiple genders and are considering bisexuality as an identity.

If you’re questioning whether or not you’re bisexual, based on how you experience attraction, you may very well be bisexual — not just experiencing some common, flippant phenomenon of attraction-that-doesn’t-count-for-some-reason.

Because bisexuality is so often left out of conversations about sexual experience (yes! even in queer circles!), it’s much harder to find models of what bisexuality looks like in practice. And that can leave us thinking that we must not really be bisexual if our experience doesn’t look like _____.

But really, bisexuality can look a lot of different ways. It’s a complex identity that isn’t always as straightforward (no pun intended) as monosexual identities. And if you’ve ever worried about the four quandaries above, rest assured that that is just biphobic nonsense — and you can identify as bisexual if you want to.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Am I Bisexual?’

18 Signs According To Experts

Everyone’s journey is different, but…

By Gabrielle Kassel

Your sexuality is *not* like your love language or Myers Briggs type, so you can’t expect an online quiz to answer a question like: “Am I bisexual?”

But how do you know if you’re bisexual? There are no-tell tale signs or giveaways. “Everyone comes into their bisexuality at different times and in different ways,” says bisexual queer sex educator Lisa Finn brand manager and queer sex educator at sex-toy emporium Babeland. (Read more: So What Does It Mean To Be Bisexual, Exactly?)

If you’re wondering if you might be bisexual, though, you’re probably looking for a little more guidance than that. That’s why we talked to sexuality professionals and self-identifying bisexuals to round up a list of ways to explore and gain insight on your (bi)sexuality.

Wait, what’s the definition of bisexual?

Before you can identify something, you probably need to know what it means. Right? Right!

Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta explains: Traditionally, bisexuality was used to describe attraction to both men and women, but as our understanding of gender has become more expansive, the definition of bisexuality has expanded, too.

Nowadays, “bisexuality is defined as the sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own,” she says.

Amanda, 36, Orlando says, “For a long time I didn’t identify as bisexual because I was scared of invalidating my non-binary partner’s identity.” It wasn’t until she took the time to read The Bisexuality Manifesto that she felt comfortable embracing the term.

First published in 1990 in a news periodical dedicated to the bisexual community, Anything That Moves, the manifesto explicitly states: “Do not assume that bisexuality is binary or duogamous in nature: that we have “two” sides or that we must be involved simultaneously with both genders to be fulfilled human beings. In fact, don’t assume that there are only two genders.” (Read it in full for even more affirming, myth-busting nuggets).

Learn more about pansexuality

When you’re exploring your sexuality, learning about all the different labels available can be helpful.

“If you’re exploring your identity, you can always try out the ‘pansexual’ label for a bit, and then switch to the ‘bisexual’ label if it doesn’t fit,” says sexologist and Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual advocate and founder of shop Bi Girls Club. Ditto for the reverse. Or you can end up using both. (Bisexuality and pansexuality are *not* mutually exclusive!)

ICYWW: “The difference between bisexual and pansexual is that a pansexual individual is sexually and/or romantically attracted to any and all genders while a bisexual person is attracted to multiple genders,” says Hall.

Now, here are some signs you could be bisexual, along with a couple myths. Remember: Everyone is different, but hopefully these experiences and tips can offer some guidance.

1. You’re evolving

“Sexuality can change over our lifetime,” says Hall. “So, a person who identified as straight can discover they have a sexual attraction to other genders in their 40s.”

Personally, after identifying as a lesbian for the first 23 years of my life, when I was 24, I discovered that I’m also attracted to cis-men. Does that mean I lied when I first came out? Nope! It just means my sexuality evolved. (Related: What Does It Actually Mean To Be Sexually Fluid?)

2. Bisexuality doesn’t have a #lewk

Despite the fact that it’s the 21st century, people still love to spew nonsense like “you don’t look bisexual” or “you’re too pretty to be bisexual.” Eek. So, here’s your friendly reminder that no sexuality has a uniform or mandated aesthetic.

“Your gender identity or presentation doesn’t have anything to do with your sexuality,” says Finn. “You can present femininely, androgynously, masculinely, or any other way, and be bi.”

3. You just have a feeling

Sometimes your bisexuality just hits you. Such was the case for Michelle, 27, OR. “While I’d known for a long time that I’m not straight, it didn’t occur to me to claim the title for myself.” Then, one day, she was hanging out with one of her genderqueer partners and she says, “It just hit me like: “Oh, Michelle, you’re bi. Duh!”

Other times, you just know. Sex writer Gabrielle Smith says, “I don’t have a distinctive memory of realizing my sexuality, I just always kinda knew.”

4. Don’t look at your sexual CV for confirmation

“You don’t need to sleep with someone of a different gender to ‘activate’ your bisexuality,” says Tawny Lara, a sexuality and sobriety expert. You can be bi no matter what your sexual CV says. K?

5. You want to branch out

That said, if there’s a bi/queer/gay cutie who wants to help you explore your sexuality, take them up on it! Olivia Zayas Ryan a femme queer bisexual writer says: “In grade school, I had one friend who was out as bi and I told her that I thought I might be bi,” says Ryan. Then, they kissed and she realized ‘Yep! I’m bi!’. Christie, 29, San Diego had a similar experience. “I kissed a girl and I realized I liked it.” Cue Katy Perry.

6. You want to try new dating apps

Just be upfront about your current experience level, suggests Noel. “Some people don’t want to put in the emotional and educational labor of helping someone become secure in their queer identity,” she says.

Ryan recommends plopping a line in your bio like: Newly out as bisexual and looking for friends or more. (PS: Lex, Hashtag Open, and Tinder are the best apps for exploring.)

7. Music videos give you some ~feels~

Really! More people than you might guess credit ~sexually explicit~ music vids to their sexual awakening. Lara, for instance, points to Lenny Kravitz’s “Again”. “I realized I was attracted to him and Gina Gershon!” And Amanda, 30, Los Angeles thanks Britney’s, “I’m A Slave 4 U” and “Toxic”. “I fell down a Britney music video rabbit hole one morning and came out of it liking girls,” she says.

These days, there are music videos with explicit queer and bisexual representation (#bless). Find them in Noel’s Instagram nominations for Best WLW Videos 2018-2019 or her Spotify playlist u don’t have to trip. If they make you tingle, noodle on that.

8. Check your YouTube history

Did you rewatch Glee’s Santana and Quinn’s first kiss on YouTube? How about Callie and Arizona’s on Grey’s Anatomy? Ryan did! “I used to rewatch queer kissing scenes on YouTube over and over and over. At the time I pretended it was because I was just really invested in the storyline.” Spoiler alert: It was more than that.

Other shows you may have found yourself doing this for include (but are not limited to): South of Nowhere, Skins, Degrassi, and The OC.

9. Your favorite movies are…

No doubt, Brokeback Mountain, Call Me By Your Name, and Dallas Buyers Club are great movies. But babes, if your list of faves also includes queer cult classics like The Runaways, Thirteen, Carol, But I’m A Cheerleader, Watermelon Woman, and Go Fish…Well, “the movies you find yourself gravitating towards are a good indication of the storylines you feel speak to your experience,” Noel says.

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10. Think about your friendships growing up

“I always had incredibly intimate, codependent, romantic, and vaguely sexual relationships with my girl best friends growing up,” says Brittany, 33, Boston. “Looking back on it, this was definitely because I was in love with them.”

Obvi, some degree of intimacy between friends is common. But the intimacy in your friendships in childhood and adulthood veers into romantic or sexual territory, it could suggest attraction.

11. There may be clues in your dating history

“I’d dated men and women on and off for a long time before realizing that there was a label that described that experience,” says Grace, 39, Maine.

Susanna, 22, Virginia had a similar experience: “I had a secret boyfriend and middle school and a secret girlfriend in high school, so once I heard the term I was like ‘OK, that’s me.”

As Finn puts it: “Sometimes we just do our thing, not realizing there’s a label associated with it.” So, if you’ve dated folks of many genders and you like the way “bisexual” feels rolling of your tongue, you’re bi! But again, this won’t apply to everyone, and you can’t always go by your history. What’s your future?

12. Think back on Tumblr habits

Tumblr was capital-T The accessible pit-stop for erotic content. “I was obsessed with the Tumblr hashtags #girlskissing and #girlsongirls growing up,” says Ryan. “It was a way for me to explore porn in a safe way.” (FYI: Tumblr banned sexually explicit content in 2018.)

Karen*, 25, Charleston also relied on Tumblr for erotic aid. “There was this one GIF with Mila Kunis that holy cow….”

13. You want to spend time in queer spaces

Spending time in queer spaces (think: gay bars, drag shows, queer dance clubs, and burlesque events) helped sex and LGBTQ+ issue journalist, Charyn Pfeuffer, embrace her bisexual identity. “Spending time in spaces where people weren’t judged for their sexuality, even if they were questioning, was affirming,” she says. “Knowing I wasn’t alone had support from like-minded people was a powerful tool in owning my authentic self.”

Tip: Follow your town’s LGBTQ Meet Up group, and when your local community’s social distancing guidelines allow, pick one or two to attend each month.

14. You’re entertaining a mixed-gender threesome

“I agreed to have a threesome with my boyfriend as some kind of birthday gift to him,” says Faith, 38, New York. “But in the middle of it, I realized I actually wanted to have sex with the girl more than my boyfriend.” After the third time that happened, “it just kind of dawned on me that I really like girls, too.”

Of course, if you’ve had a mixed-gender threesome and didn’t like it, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not bisexual! There are plenty of reasons beyond the gender-combinations that a threesome can flop.

15. Enjoy some (ethical) porn

“Porn was definitely helpful in helping me understand my sexuality,” Noel says. And according to Finn, this is a common experience. But Noel notes, “porn also negatively impacted my sexuality and understanding of what is beautiful.”

Finn’s recommendation: If it’s accessible to you, pay for your porn. Why? Because porn platforms you pay for generally respect and compensate their talent more than free ones. FourChambers, CrashPad, Bellesa, and Math Magazine are good options. “Take the time to explore different categories and take note of what turns you on,” she suggests.

16. You’re ready to become a bisexual scholar

Hey bookworms, check out:

Why? Because as Noel puts it: “Seeing yourself represented between the pages of a book can be helpful for understanding your own identity.”

17. Reflect on biphobic messages you might have received

“I grew up in a super conservative family where I was taught and that being gay or bisexual is an abomination,” says Hannah, 26, Houston. “It wasn’t until I went away to college and began to unlearn some of the biphobic teachings I’d been taught that I realized I was bisexual.”

Some common biphobic myths include: That bisexual folks are greedy, indecisive, or just going through a phase. UGH. Unpacking and working through internalized biphobia is no walk in the park. “It can create feelings of shame,” says Finn. Unburdening yourself from those toxic learnings may make you feel more comfortable exploring your sexuality. If you grew up in a sex-negative household, consider working with a queer-inclusive therapist, if it’s financially accessible to you.

18. Ask yourself ‘Why am I reading this?’

Sure, it’s entirely possible that you’re reading this article to get insight for a bi-curious BFF. But if you Googled “am I bi?” or “signs I’m bi,” odds are good you’re not straight. As Noel puts it, “I’ve yet to meet someone straight who Googled [those questions] who ended up not being bisexual or queer or pan.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From Graysexual to Heteroflexible

– Here’s A Big List Of Sexualities In 2020

by Stephanie Barnes

When it comes to sexuality, there is no one-size-fits-all approach, which explains why there is already such a long list of terms to describe sexual orientation, with more popping up every day. For someone who is searching for the perfect word to describe their sexual desires, this could take them a step closer to finding sexual liberation. For others, these terms can be a little bit confusing, and that’s OK if you feel that way.

Most people are familiar with the widely recognized acronym LGBTQ+, which stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, plus anyone who doesn’t identify as straight but also doesn’t fit in under the definitions of the other letters either. But the acronym is really just the tip of the rainbow iceberg. Here’s everything you need to know about sexuality, plus a fuller list of some of the most common sexualities in 2020.

Sexuality is an umbrella term describing the parts of your identity that deal with how you present yourself to the world, who you love, and who you find yourself attracted to or not attracted to. According to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D., it’s the way a person feels and expresses their relationship to sex, desire, arousal, and eroticism.

“It can include a lot of varying elements (what kind of person you’d want to have sex with, specific preferences, and more), but often we use this term as shorthand for sexual orientation and the number of ways people may express both desire and identity,” she explains. She also points out, “Sexuality can be fluid in a person’s life, so its elements may change.”

How many sexualities are there?

There’s no definitive number of sexualities since new words are constantly being conceived and integrated into popular language as the way we talk about sexual orientation evolves. This isn’t to say that new types of sexuality are being “invented” out of the blue; rather, people are creating new language to describe nuances of sexual attraction and behavior that have always existed. These terms serve as a way for people to feel seen and find communities of like-minded people. They also help with describing one’s identity, communicating with others about what you look for in relationships, and establishing compatibility with potential partners.

While there is no finite number of sexual orientation types, there are a handful of terms that you’re likely to see more than others.

The term allosexual refers to anyone who experiences sexual attraction. Those who identify as allosexual can also identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, or any other orientation, because allosexuality isn’t linked to gender but simply attraction. This is as opposed to asexuality, described below.

Someone who is androsexual will find themselves sexually or emotionally attracted to folks on the more masculine side. For some people, this attraction has very little to do with biology; it’s more about having a masculine identity or gender presentation. Alternatively, some people also use the term androsexual to refer to attraction to any folks with penises, though still with a focus on people with more masculine presentations.

An asexual individual typically doesn’t experience sexual attraction to any gender. However, it is possible for an asexual being to be romantically attracted to people of other genders or the same gender, and some asexual people do have sex in certain circumstances.

Have you ever wished there were two of you so you could have sex with yourself? If you answer yes, then you might be autosexual, aka someone who is sexually attracted to themselves.

Bi-curious refers to someone who is looking to explore or has already begun exploring bisexuality. There’s some disagreement about whether this term has roots in biphobia, however.

Someone who is bisexual will likely find themselves romantically, sexually, or emotionally attracted to more than one gender. It can sometimes overlap with pansexuality, which is the attraction to people regardless of gender. (Here’s more on how to know if you’re pansexual, as opposed to bisexual.)

Closeted, also referred to as “in the closet,” refers to anyone who is a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but they have yet to publicly acknowledge this truth. These people typically have good reasons to keep their sexual identity to themselves, such as for safety from an intolerant community or to avoid discrimination associated with being “out” of the closet. Some closeted people may or may never “come out.”

Demisexual falls on the asexual spectrum. It describes someone who only experiences sexual attraction to folks they already have established a strong romantic or emotional relationship with.

Some people describe themselves as sexually fluid. A person who is fluid experiences their sexuality or sexual identity as changing over time or in different contexts rather than having one finite way they experience attraction.

The word gay is used to describe someone who is sexually, romantically, or emotionally attracted to people of the same gender. In some cases, women who date other women prefer to use the word lesbian, while others opt to use queer.

Graysexual people are all about the gray area of the sexuality spectrum and tend to experience limited sexual attraction. This means they’ll rarely experience sexual attraction, and when they do, it’s usually not very intense.

Gynesexual people are attracted to women and folks with more feminine gender presentations, as opposed to androsexual people who are interested in the masculine. Alternatively, some people also use the term gynesexual to describe attraction to people with vaginas, breasts, and a more feminine physical presentation.

Heterosexual or straight refers to people who are only attracted, whether sexually, emotionally, or romantically, to people of the “opposite” gender—i.e., men who are attracted to women exclusively, or women who are attracted to men exclusively.

Heteroflexible or homoflexible

A heteroflexible person is mostly straight (heterosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the same gender or other genders. A homoflexible person likewise is mostly gay (homosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the “opposite” gender. For example, a homoflexible man might primarily date and sleep with men but occasionally date or sleep with a woman. Like bi-curiosity, there’s still ongoing debate over whether these terms are rooted in biphobia.

The term homosexual is a bit outdated, but it refers to anyone who is attracted to people of the same or a similar gender.

A lesbian is a woman who is mentally, physically, and emotionally attracted to other women. Some women who date women prefer to be called gay or queer. Some people who don’t identify as women but do have more feminine aspects to their gender—for example, a more feminine-leaning nonbinary person—might also use the term lesbian to describe themselves and their relationships with other feminine people.

Someone who identifies as pansexual experiences attraction to folks regardless of sex or gender identity.

The dictionary defines queer as something “odd, strange, or weird,” but the word has since been reclaimed and redefined. These days, queer is an umbrella term that is sometimes used to describe anyone within the LGBTQ+ community. The term also provides a sense of community for those who may not fit into one of the other categories specifically but also don’t identify as straight or cisgender. 

Someone who falls into the questioning category is someone who is questioning their current sexual identity and curious about exploring different aspects of sexuality or gender. For example, this could apply to someone who has always identified as a lesbian but is now wondering whether they’re also attracted to men.

You might be seeing this word used in social media and dating app bios more often these days. A sapiosexual person is someone whose attraction is based on intelligence rather than sex or gender.

Someone who is sex-repulsed is repulsed or disgusted by sex or sexual behavior. This person falls on the spectrum of asexuality.

Skoliosexual is one of the newer terms on the sexuality scene, and it refers to a person who is attracted to anyone who isn’t cisgender. This means a skoliosexual will usually find themselves drawn to people who are trans or nonbinary.

A spectrasexual is sexually or romantically attracted to a wide range of sexes, genders, and gender identities.

You might’ve heard the saying “Sexuality is a spectrum” before. The sexuality spectrum is the idea that all sexuality exists on a spectrum with binary “absolutes” on each end, explains sexologist Tanya M. Bass, Ph.D. The spectrum most often referenced is the Kinsey scale, which describes sexuality as existing on a spectrum from exclusively heterosexual to exclusively homosexual. Any individual can fall anywhere on this spectrum.

Here’s every stop on the Kinsey scale:

0 – Exclusively heterosexual

1 – Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual

2 – Predominantly heterosexual but more than incidentally homosexual

3 – Equally heterosexual and homosexual

4 – Predominantly homosexual but more than incidentally heterosexual

5 – Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual

6 – Exclusively homosexual

X – No socio-sexual contacts or reactions

Bass points out that there are other spectrums of identity as well, such as the gender spectrum, which views gender identity as existing on a spectrum from maleness to femaleness. Any individual can fall anywhere on this spectrum. Asexuality is considered another spectrum, where people can experience varying degrees of asexuality or fall somewhere on a spectrum from asexual to allosexual.

“Spectrums describe sexuality as fluid related to gender, orientation, attraction, and expression,” Bass explains. “It can often challenge the binary for both orientation, expression, and identity.”

Sexual orientation versus romantic orientation.

A person’s sexual orientation can sometimes be confused with their romantic orientation, but the two things aren’t quite the same. Your sexual orientation is linked to who you want to have sex (or some sort of erotic experience) with, while your romantic orientation refers to who you want to love or be in a relationship with.

“You can have sex without being in a relationship; you can be in a relationship without sex. So these things explain two elements of sexuality that can be teased apart or are always experienced together—depending on the person. And they don’t even need to match. Plenty of people fall in love with the other gender but like to have sex with people of their own gender, for example. And vice versa,” Queen explains.

The prefixes a-, bi-, pan-, hetero-, and homo- can all be attached to either element. For example, a biromantic asexual person might be someone who’s open to romantic partnerships with more than one gender, but they do not want sex in those relationships. Panromantic, biromantic, and aromantic are examples of other variations of romantic orientation.

When you put sexual and romantic orientation together, you learn more about the specifics of the person embracing the identities.

There’s a lot of nuance when it comes to sexual identity, which can be both exciting and overwhelming. Remember that these words aren’t meant to be prescriptive or frightening: They’re here to make your life simpler by making it easier for you to tell people who you are and what you want from your relationships. If you were searching for your word, we hope you’ll find yourself one step closer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Be Supportive When a Friend Comes Out to You

Don’t try to set them up with the only other queer person you know, who they have absolutely nothing in common with.

by Rachel Miller

At the end of a Pride month in which a lot of people are newly thinking about how to be a good ally, it’s a great occasion to think about how to be an ally to the queer folks in your life year-round—starting with the moment they tell you they are queer.

First, it’s important to know that there’s no singular “coming out” with regard to sexuality—it’s something that those of us who choose to come out have to do over and over again. As Tom Vellner wrote in a BuzzFeed essay, “It isn’t a one-step process. I don’t have to sit down at my kitchen table with every new person I meet, like I did with my parents—knees weak, palms sweaty, mom’s spaghetti (wait…)—and explain to them that, yes, I’m queer and, no, it won’t change anything between us. But as long as I exist in a heteronormative world, where the presumption is that I must have a girlfriend because I’m a man, I’ll never stop coming out. It happens whenever I meet a new coworker, whenever I see a new doctor, whenever I talk to a friend of a friend at a party.”

Because coming out happens in so many small, often mundane ways, there’s no single response that’ll work for every situation. Tearfully replying, “I just want you to know how much I love you!!!” isn’t going to be appropriate if you’re, say, working the cash register at Bath & Body Works and a customer mentions the candle she’s buying is for her wife. And a peppy “Cool, got it!” probably isn’t the move when your best friend since childhood sits you down to tell you they are queer. Ultimately, you should try to mirror and respond to the specific individual’s emotional intensity, and to let your established relationship guide you.

When it comes to the more emotional, capital-C–capital-O Coming Out situations, aim to affirm and honor your friend.

Here are some tips to consider:

  • Recognize the importance of this moment, and how vulnerable they are being with you by saying something like, “Thank you so much for trusting me with this” or “I feel honored that you chose to share this with me.”
  • Say “I think this is really great!” or something else really affirming that communicates that what they are telling you is fundamentally good. And remember to smile.
  • If you’re close, it’s OK to ask gentle, non-probing questions—e.g., “I have to admit that I actually don’t know what pansexual means; I can look it up, of course, but I’d love to know what it means to you, if you’re up for sharing.” (Just avoid nosy questions about their body and/or sex.)
  • Maybe say, “Is there anything you’d like to do to celebrate?” Recognizing this milestone—whether that’s via drinks, going shopping for a new outfit, getting a tattoo or piercing or haircut, or having a party—lets them know that you are aware of what a big moment this is, and is a way to honor what they’ve just shared.
  • It’s really important to let people share their stories on their own terms, and to not accidentally out a friend, even if it’s an attempt to normalize what they’ve told you. On the other hand, they might actually prefer if you share the information with other people in your circle so they don’t have to have really intense coming out conversations with everyone they’ve ever met. The best way to know what they want is to have a conversation about it. So if they haven’t told you how public this information is, you could say something like, “Just to make sure we’re on the same page, can I ask you if other folks in your life know?”
  • If you’re not sure what to do next, go with “How can I best support you right now?” It’s really OK to not know exactly what to do or say for a friend, and to simply ask them what they need from you in this moment.

In any coming out conversation—whether it’s intense or fairly casual—what you don’t say is just as important as what you do say.

Here are some things to avoid:

  • “I’m not surprised” or “I always knew.” It’s not about you right now!!! Also, it doesn’t feel good to know that other people knew something about you that you didn’t know about yourself, or to learn that the thing you were working so hard to hide was actually obvious to everyone around you. (If the person asks if you knew, you can say something honest but gentle like, “I thought that could maybe be the case, but I wasn’t really sure!”)
  • “It’s no big deal!” This kind of response is often well-meaning, but can trivialize a person’s lived experience, or gloss over the fact that they just shared something that is a big deal to them. (In the newest installment of ¡Hola Papi!, JP Brammer gave advice to a reader who was hurt by their loved ones’ neutral reaction to coming out; it’s a good reminder that your friend might be expecting a little more fanfare, or at least something beyond just tolerance.)
  • “I love you anyway!” Again, well-intentioned, but it inadvertently communicates that you are doing them a favor, and care about them despite their sexuality.
  • “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!!!” Trust that they had their reasons for telling you when they did. And, again, this isn’t about you.

Be sure to keep showing up for them after that initial conversation, too.

Talking to you is likely just one step in a bigger process; here are some things to keep in mind going forward:

  • Follow their lead. If they call themselves a lesbian, use the term lesbian; if they say gay, go with gay. (And don’t whisper it like it’s something shameful; say it.) If they refer to the person they are dating as their partner instead of their boyfriend, say partner instead of boyfriend. (And don’t call their partner “your buddy” or “your roommate.”)
  • Support their efforts to make more queer friends. Yes, that might mean sometimes you won’t be invited to join a group activity, but try not to take it personally—it’s really, really not.
  • If you’ve said or done anti-LGBTQ things in front of your friend in the past, seriously consider apologizing. Don’t make your guilt a Huge Thing for them to manage—they shouldn’t end up comforting you here—or pressure them to accept your apology, but it’s worth owning up to your shortcomings as a friend in this moment. You might say something like, “I also wanted to say I’m sorry for the comments I made about [_So-and-So bringing a same-sex date to prom/gay marriage/homosexuality being a sin_]. I’m sure that really hurt for you to hear, and made you feel less safe around me. I know it was wrong of me, and I’m so sorry.” If you said things or held beliefs that were particularly harmful, you might also say, “Here’s what I’m doing to educate myself on this topic, so I can be a better [_f__riend/sibling/ally_] going forward.”
  • Continue to be supportive and affirming. A friend of mine just sent her newly-out niece a Pride care package, which I thought was really thoughtful and cute. This could also look like trying to get to know the person they are dating, or joining your school’s PFLAG group… or simply not pretending this conversation never happened (which happens more than you might think).
  • Look out for them. Systemic, pervasive oppression means that LGBTQ people are at higher risk of mental health conditions, suicidality, intimate partner violence, and police violence. Just because you accept your friend doesn’t mean that their family or employer or the world at large does, so keep an eye out for signs that they aren’t doing well.
  • Avoid referring to them as your “gay best friend.” You can just say “best friend.” And know that having a queer friend doesn’t give you license to start making jokes about LGBTQ people, or about your friend.
  • Don’t try to set them up with the only other queer person you know, who they have absolutely nothing in common with.
  • Remember to see your friend’s whole self. Being queer is one facet of a person’s identity, but it’s not their entire personality.

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How prison and police discrimination affect Black sexual minority men’s health

by Rutgers University

Incarceration and police discrimination may contribute to HIV, depression and anxiety among Black gay, bisexual and other sexual minority men, according to a Rutgers led study.

The study, funded by the National Institute of Health (NIH) and published in the journal Social Science & Medicine, examined associations between incarceration, and law enforcement discrimination and recent arrest with Black sexual mens’ psychological distress, risk for HIV and willingness to take pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP) for HIV prevention.

“Evidence suggests Black sexual minority men in the United States may face some of the highest rates of policing and incarceration in the world,” said lead author, Devin English, assistant professor at the Rutgers School of Public Health. “Despite this, research examining the health impacts of the U.S. carceral system rarely focuses on their experiences. This study helps to address this gap.”

“We examined how incarceration and police discrimination, which have roots in enforcing White supremacy and societal heterosexism, are associated with some of the most pressing health crises among Black sexual minority men like depression, anxiety, and HIV,” English added.

The researchers surveyed 1,172 Black, gay, bisexual, and other sexual minority men over the age of 16 from across the U.S. who reported behaviors that increased their risk for HIV over the previous six months. Participants reported on their incarceration history, experiences of police and law enforcement discrimination, anxiety and depression, sexual behavior, and willingness to take PrEP.

They found that 43 percent of study participants reported police discrimination within the previous year, which was most frequent among those with a history of incarceration. Respondents who faced high levels of police discrimination within the previous year also tended to show high levels of psychological distress and HIV risk, and a low willingness to take PrEP compared with their peers. The study also found that respondents who were previously incarcerated or recently arrested had a heightened HIV risk and lower willingness to take PrEP.

“These findings transcend individual-level only explanations to offer structural-level insights about how we think about Black sexual minority men’s HIV risk,” says co-author Lisa Bowleg, professor of psychology at The George Washington University. “The study rightly directs attention to the structural intersectional discrimination that negatively affects Black sexual minority men’s health.”

The article states that the findings support the need for anti-racist and anti-heterosexist advocacy and interventions focused on reducing discrimination in U.S. society, and the carceral system specifically.

“Despite experiencing a disproportionate burden of violence and discrimination at the hands of the police, and extremely high carceral rates, Black queer men are largely invisible in discourse on anti-Black policing and ,” says co-author Joseph Carter, doctoral student of health psychology at the City University of New York’s Graduate Center. “Our study provides empirical support for the intersectional health impacts of police and carceral that have been systemically perpetrated onto Black queer men.”

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13 Necessary Queer Literary Classics For Every Bookshelf

From Virginia Woolf’s Orlando and James Baldwin’s Giovanni’s Room to Alice Walker’s Pulitzer Prize-winning The Color Purple and Ocean Vuong’s 2019 debut — the queer literary landscape is vibrant, expansive and ready to be explored.

By Rosalind Jana

The history of queer literature is a long one. From Greek poet Sappho to Irish playwright Oscar Wilde, many writers have approached the challenges and pleasures of the LGBTQ+ experience with great depth and imagination. This hasn’t always been an easy endeavour; often, it’s been a history read in gaps and implied meaning, with obstructions for those depicting the nuances of sexuality and gender identity without censure. Thankfully, this has slowly changed, and the queer literary landscape is now both vibrant and expansive.

In fact, this list of 13 queer classics offers just a handful of the books that could have been chosen. For every inclusion, there is another notable absence. E.M. Forster, Ali Smith, Audre Lorde, Christopher Isherwood and numerous other novelists aren’t listed here, but have all written fantastic fiction that has helped both shape and pluralise the stories that now make up a queer canon. Think of these suggestions as a starting point — a handful of bold and brilliant books perfect for picking up at any time, with lots more to discover when all is read and done.

‘Giovanni’s Room’ by James Baldwin (1956)

Giovanni’s Room condenses an incredible sweep of emotion into its scant length. Detailing the fraught relationship between American David and Italian bartender Giovanni, the former narrates the tale of their time together over a night leading “to the most terrible morning of my life”. This terrible morning, we soon discover, marks the day of Giovanni’s execution. With this looming, David recounts the trials and tumult of their love affair, and, in doing so, sketches a complex portrait of masculinity at war with itself. It is an astonishingly vivid novel, grappling not only with the heady contours of desire, but also the disturbing consequences of shame and self-loathing.

‘The Line of Beauty’ by Alan Hollinghurst (2004)

Nick Guest has left university and summer is in full swing. Living in the Notting Hill house of an affluent school friend whose father is a Conservative politician, the book opens with Margaret Thatcher’s second election victory in 1983 and skilfully interlaces questions of politics, class, and sex. At first, Nick’s sexuality is largely hidden from the upper-class world he drifts into — with trysts in gated gardens and behind closed doors. But as time passes and the AIDS crisis develops, this no longer becomes possible. Taking aim at the hollow allure of wealth and the moral vacuum of Thatcher’s rule, Hollinghurst’s novel is sumptuous and increasingly sombre.

‘Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit’ by Jeanette Winterson (1985)

“People like to separate storytelling which is not fact from history which is fact. They do this so they know what to believe and what not to believe.” Jeanette Winterson’s debut, rooted in her own experiences of growing up as a lesbian in a Pentecostal adopted family, is structured around the religious texts that permeate protagonist Jeanette’s upbringing. Delving into what happens when the expected narratives — both theological and personal — are rejected, Winterson’s voice is fresh, startling, and funny. It’s a brilliant novel, illuminating the consequences of a devout and claustrophobic mother, and an institution that punishes nascent love with cruelty. For a follow-up, try Winterson’s 2011 memoir, Why Be Happy When You Could Be Normal?.

‘Orlando’ by Virginia Woolf (1928)

Some novels are dialogues with difficult questions. Others aim to capture a particular history: cultural, collective, individual. A few are love letters. Orlando is all of the above. Inspired by and written for the magnetic, imposing Vita Sackville-West, with whom Virginia Woolf had a long affair, it follows the titular protagonist through three centuries of history, several romantic liaisons, one gender switch, and a very lengthy poetic project. It is a giddy read, full of humour and warmth as well as searching examinations of gender, sexuality, power and artistic process.

‘Paul Takes The Form of a Mortal Girl’ by Andrea Lawlor (2017)

What would happen if you transplanted Orlando to 1993 and added dozens more explicit sex scenes? The result would possibly look something like Andrea Lawlor’s Paul Takes The Form of a Mortal Girl. This raucous novel follows the adventures of Paul — also known as Polly — whose body is malleable, metamorphic, and endlessly hungry for pleasure. Able to physically transform at will, Paul revels in the sexual and romantic possibilities offered by numerous adjustments in face, height, torso, genitals, and more. Slipping between guises and identities, the polymorphous Paul offers a lucid look at trans identity — as playful as it is serious.

‘Dancer From The Dance’ by Andrew Holleran (1978)

Holleran’s book — dubbed ‘The Gay Great Gatsby’ — takes its title from a Yeats poem. It reads: “O body swayed to music, O brightening glance / How can we know the dancer from the dance?” It’s an apt reference, given the book’s preoccupation with observation, as well as the physical intimacies and distances found in a social whirl. Set in New York in a pre-AIDS era, Holleran brilliantly captures a generation of men for whom hedonism is never-ending, while desire, loneliness, and a restless wish for love continually jostle.

‘The Color Purple’ by Alice Walker (1982)

A devastating, but ultimately hopeful narrative told in a series of letters from protagonist Celie to God and her sister Nettie, Alice Walker won the Pulitzer Prize for The Color Purple in 1983. Detailing the stark realities of abuse, misogyny, and racism in rural Georgia, Walker’s novel offers both a damning indictment of institutionalised and culturally encoded oppression, and the tremendous potential found in reclaiming one’s life for oneself. With the introduction of blues singer Shug Avery, it also becomes a love story — one in which pleasure and passion is reciprocated, and female solidarity provides great solace.

‘Carol’ by Patricia Highsmith (1952)

Published under the pseudonym “Claire Morgan”, the formerly titled The Price of Salt swiftly became a runaway hit. Inspired by a “blondish” woman in a mink coat who had made her feel “odd and swimmy in the head” while working at Macy’s (and influenced too by her relationship with heiress Virginia Kent Catherwood), Highsmith conjured a love story full of erotic charge. Documenting the unfolding relationship between 19-year-old Therese and thirtysomething Carol, it is a crisply observed story in which desire simmers and the constrictions of nuclear family life are stifling. At the time, it was praised for its open-ended suggestion of a happy future. In recent years, it’s enjoyed a renaissance thanks to Todd Haynes’ stylish film.

‘On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous’ by Ocean Vuong (2019)

Language, lust, addiction and inherited trauma coalesce in Ocean Vuong’s debut. Written in the form of a letter from a son to a mother who can’t read it, Vuong combines the precision and lyricism of his poetry with the varied forms of intimacy that exist between lovers, between parent and child, and between the ill and well. Growing up with a Vietnamese mother and grandmother for whom war and violence have left deep imprints, the novel’s speaker Little Dog approaches the question of survival with searching intensity. Combining fragmented memories of childhood with an account of his first troubled love — Trevor, the 16-year-old son of a tobacco farmer — Vuong’s narrative of growing up gay and escaping is tender and heartbreaking.

‘America is Not the Heart’ by Elaine Castillo (2018)

Hero goes by several names. Named Geronima De Vera, in the Philippines she is known as Nimang. But on arrival in Milpitas, near San Francisco, her seven-year-old niece dubs her Hero. It’s a nickname both uneasy and fitting for a woman whose life has taken several distinct turns, from a wealthy upbringing, to a decade as a doctor in the New People’s Army, to two years of torture, to a new beginning in the US. Arriving with broken thumbs and a brittle exterior, Hero’s affections unravel slowly. Castillo’s book is sprawling and energetic: sharp in its interrogations of language, immigration, and class, and bold-hearted in its depiction of Hero’s frank, unsentimental approach to sex and love — with things complicated and transformed by local beautician Rosalyn.

‘Stone Butch Blues’ by Leslie Feinberg (1993)

“The law said we needed to be wearing three pieces of women’s clothing. We never switched clothing. Neither did our drag queen sisters. We knew, and so did you, what was coming. We needed our sleeves rolled up, our hair slicked back, in order to live through it.” Leslie Feinberg’s novel is a blistering and incisive depiction of lesbian and trans experience. Exploring the life of Jess Goldberg, a working-class gender-queer butch lesbian growing up in 1950s Buffalo before moving to New York, Feinberg sheds light on horrific police brutality and queer networks of community and care, and asks what it means (and what it takes) to resist.

‘Under the Udala Trees’ by Chinelo Okparanta (2015)

In 2014, Nigeria’s then-President Goodluck Jonathan signed the Same-Sex Marriage Prohibition Act with incredibly serious sanctions ranging from imprisonment to death. This sobering fact forms the author’s endnote in Chinelo Okparanta’s moving, sparingly written novel. A coming-of-age tale taking place against the backdrop of the Nigerian civil war, it focuses on a young Igbo woman named Ijeoma who struggles to reconcile faith, family, and her sexuality. Coming to terms with being a lesbian in a culture hostile to homosexuality, Okparanta skilfully weaves between resignation and revelation — unstinting in her focus on the horrors of both war and deep prejudice, while offering a fragile note of hope.

‘After The Parade’ by Lori Ostlund (2015)

As Aaron Englund leaves his older partner after 20 years, his life packed up in the back of a truck, the past constantly infiltrates his chosen future. Relocating to San Francisco, disturbing recollections from childhood mingle with examinations of his time with Walter — a quiet, ordered man who wished “to serve as benefactor to Aaron’s wishes and ambitions, and so bind Aaron to him.” In breaking free of all that has tethered him, Aaron finds room to unravel a complex web of trauma and loss. After The Parade is a stunningly written book, deft in its understanding of love and alienation.

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How To Raise Kids To Be LGBTQ+ Allies

When They’re Growing Up In A Heterosexual Home

by Stephanie Kaloi

This month, you will probably be hearing a lot about one very spectacular celebration: June is Pride Month, and communities across the world will be celebrating.

As a parent, you might also be wondering how to navigate the month with your kids, and you might be extra curious about how you can raise your children to be LGBTQ+ allies if they’re growing up in a heterosexual home.

If you’re nodding along, trust: I get it! My son’s dad and I are both straight, and our self-identified genders correspond with the biological sex we were born with. We are huge allies of the LBGTQ+ community and have so many friends we love and cherish who are part of it.

As such, it’s been really important to us that our son is a fierce ally and friend to this community and really to everyone who isn’t bigoted.

If you don’t have friends who identify as part of the LGBTQ+ community, it might feel extra hard to figure out how to have a conversation about being an ally with your child. After all, one of the best ways to foster empathy is to know and love the people you are empathizing with. With that in mind, I thought it would be helpful to put together a list of ideas and resources for heterosexual parents who are hoping to raise LGBTQ+ allies.

1. Have honest conversations about sexuality early.

My first tip is this: Start talking about sexuality, gender identity, and sexual preference early in your child’s life. And I really do mean early: There are totally board books for babies that cover these topics and ideas. The earlier you normalize the many ways people live and love on this planet, the easier it is. Once you get started, I think you’ll be amazed by how little of a big deal this has to be.

For example, a lot of us already have built-in expectations about gender identity and gender performance due to how we have been socialized, so you can start by examining the ideas you already have and believe. Then identify the areas where you need more growth and learning. From there, find the words that you’re comfortable using with your kids.

Tip: Keep in mind that LGBTQ+ is about way more than just being gay or straight. The community encompasses a huge range of sexual expressions and preferences, and it’s important to give all of them equal weight.

2. Recognize that your children might also be LGBTQ+.

While you’re learning and having these conversations, realize that your own children might actually be part of the LBGTQ+ community, or they might not know if they are and be interested in exploring it. You don’t want to talk about all of this as if it’s something that is distant and removed from your own family. It’s normal and healthy for your kids to explore sexual identity and preference, and if they feel safe and supported in their home (and are raised loving this community of people), then they’ll feel like they can talk to you about those explorations and questions.

Plus, they’ll never have to doubt whether or not you love them.

3. Challenge gender and sex-based stereotypes all the time.

If there is one thing I know about myself, it is that I am relentless. A friend recently asked me how often we talk about racism with our 11-year-old son. I told my friend every single day. They were surprised, but when I explained that either someone we love experiences racism every day, or there’s a story in the news, or we watch or read something and racism is present in it, it started to make sense.

We also talk about other -isms every single day, such as sexism and ableism. We talk about bigotry and anti-LGBTQ+ attitudes and beliefs every day. These aren’t always big, scary conversations about subjects and events that are hard. In fact, more often than not, we’re having celebratory chats.

It can be tempting to only bring up these topics when the news “forces” us too, but I found that deliberately making it part of everything that we do in a day eventually made it come quite naturally.

4. Know and love LGBTQ+ people in your life.

I am absolutely not saying you need to run outside and find the first LGBTQ+ person you see and make them your new best friend, because that would be rude and gross. What I am saying is that if the only LGBTQ+ representation your kids get is from a book or TV, then that’s not really good enough. I know some people truly do live in very homogenous towns, but a lot of us live in diverse cities and communities and, either on purpose or without realizing it, self-choose to be distant from others who we don’t immediately identify as like us.

If you really don’t have any friends who are LGBTQ+ and you’re doing the work to learn to be an ally yourself, I suggest volunteering with an organization that supports LGBTQ+ people in your community as a good way to get to know the people you’re pledging your time to learn more about.

5. Celebrate diversity in your home in obvious ways.

And finally: I always remind myself that, as much as I would love for him to, my child does not learn through osmosis. I can’t assume he will be a kind, gentle person who is a friend and ally just because I want him to be one, or because I believe I am raising him to be “a good person.” The idea of “a good person” is so general that it’s hard to even know what I might mean — and I am sure that how I define “a good person” is not the same definition another family uses.

Celebrating diversity in your home isn’t too hard. Go to events, go to rallies. Support communities that need your support. Make sure your kids see all sides of the LBGTQ+ spectrum — don’t only bring up stories of pain and oppression; bring up stories of love and joy, too. Everything from the books you introduce to the media you consume to the people you spend time with will impact your children.

And on that final note: If your family and friends are bigoted and homophobic, your kids will see it. If you’re really the ally you want to be, then you absolutely have to speak up and educate the people you allow your children to be around. Otherwise, you’ll be little more than a walking contradiction, and your kids will respond accordingly. It can be tough to have hard conversations, but if you’re armed with the right mix of knowledge, facts, and empathy, you can do it. Lives are on the line, so really … you have to.

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