H​ow to have a good threesome

— Safety, consent​, planning, and communication are key, sex experts​ say

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  • In 2022, searches for threesomes on Pornhub rose by 34%, making it the 4th most searched term. 
  • If you’re curious but unsure where to start, these tips from sexologists and sex educators will help.
  • Safety and consent are paramount, as is preparation and the right configuration. 

Of the range of sexual fantasies, multi-partner sex tops the list. In 2022, searches on Pornhub for the term “threesomes” rose 34% to become the fourth most searched term.

But while threesomes may be close to top of mind worldwide for a little adult content watching, the logistics of threesomes in real life are far more complex. From concerns about safe sex to different partner configurations, there’s a lot that goes into a great three-way sexual encounter.

Business Insider spoke to sexologists and AASECT-certified sex educators and therapists to find out how to have a safe and pleasurable threesome.

What makes for a great threesome

Carol Queen, a sexologist at Good Vibes and curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, said “three people who are comfortable with sexuality, can communicate well, are attracted enough to each other to be sexual together” are the best group for a threesome. All partners should “have compatible interests and boundaries to have a good time.”

How to find a third

If you’re in a monogamous relationship, finding who to add as a third party can be a big decision. Queen advises to “skip the friend option unless you have a friend who is an open and openhearted sex explorer — a friend like that might actually love to take you under their wing.” Queen added that inviting a friend over and propositioning them is a big no-no. Open and honest communication will be critical to ensure the health of the friendship long-term.

If you’re not sure where to find a third, Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy, suggested joining apps like Feeld or Bloom, which are “geared toward the non-monogamous community, and you can mention that you are new to this and need some time to get to know people before jumping into bed.”

The right position will vary with each threesome

Although some positions may be more conducive to a threesome than others, not every position will work in every configuration, and it’s important to communicate with partners about what will work for you, according to sexologist Lisa Lawless.

“Some sex positions are more accessible if you’re a certain height or weight or are particularly strong or flexible,” Lawless said. The best position will depend on the type of sexual stimulation one wishes to receive or provide.

Lawless suggested the following positions:

Double cowgirl

In double cowgirl, one partner rides on the partner’s genitals while the other rides that person’s face. In this position, Lawless said, “The person on the bottom gets stimulation from both partners simultaneously. For many, watching their partners in this position can be visually arousing.”

However, for the person on the bottom, supporting both partners can get tiring, and it may make communication between partners difficult. Be sure to check in regularly.

69 plus 1

Friendly for configurations with two vaginas or two penises, in this position, two partners get into a 69 position. The third partner stands at the edge of the bed to penetrate one of the partners. Lawless said that the side-to-side configuration “can increase intimacy between the two partners on the bed,” but be mindful of neck strain.

Virtual threesome

Some partners may not be comfortable inviting a third person into the bedroom, so a virtual threesome allows a couple to have sex while a third person interacts through a screen in a different location. Lawless said that “app-controlled toys can enhance pleasure and interactivity among partners despite the distance.”

Safe sex and proper planning are critical

Michele M. March, a sex therapist at the Council for Relationships, emphasized the importance of safe sex to a successful threesome. “Some discussion of partners’ current sexual health status is important.” Winging it is ill-advised. “Who will bring the condoms? Will everyone agree to a pause for hygiene needs or for time to use effective protection? Some consideration of who uses what protection — against STI’s and pregnancy,” March said will help make everyone feel comfortable.

Weiss stressed the importance of swapping condoms frequently. “It’s safest to use a new condom each time you go from penetrating one partner to the other or from one orifice to another – and definitely if you are switching from anal to vaginal or oral,”

If you’re using lubricant, which every sexpert recommended, consider your options carefully. “Silicone lube is helpful because it lasts the longest, though you don’t want to use it with silicone toys,” Weiss said. Water-based lubricants work well with both toys and condoms, and oil-based lube should be avoided with condoms.

Complete Article HERE!

How to have an emotionally supportive threesome

— Three isn’t a crowd, it’s a party.

By Sarah Lempa

A wholesome threesome: The best rhyme ever? We think yes.

“Two simply isn’t enough, let’s add more!” – Whichever brilliant soul had the first threesome in history (or so I presume). Adding an extra to your sexcapades, joining a dynamic duo, or taking part in a random mélange of new lovers can be downright hot and fulfilling. But we’d be remiss to neglect addressing the common complexities that accompany group sex.

Whether “uh oh, I have feelings” vibes from an unspoken love triangle or Good Old Fashioned Overwhelm, threesomes can be a lot. Mismanaged expectations or murky communication are enough to wobble any trio in the sheets. Fear not, however, there are ways to set yourself (and the whole team) up for success.

Here’s our guide to having an emotionally supportive threesome.

Get comfortable talking about group sex

Don’t quote me on the math here – but if it’s awkward to discuss, it’s going to be at least eighty times more awkward in practice. I’m not saying you need to come up with a blueprint of every single stroke and sensation (please don’t ever do that) but discussing group sex before it happens is a solid way to craft a shared vision that supports everyone. Get comfy talking about it outside of the bedroom, on neutral territory, where you can suss out the vibe without any “in the moment” pressure.

Cay L. Crow(Opens in a new tab), a sex therapist and founder of Orchid Toys(Opens in a new tab), an adult toy shop, affirms it’s all about the upfront communication. “I typically recommend that the love triangle have a meeting, preferably over dinner and drinks, to discuss expectations. This requires a level of transparency and honesty that is tough but necessary,” she explains. Seeing as dinner can be a sexy segue into something more, it can be a win-win.

It takes a certain level of comfort and confidence to casually chat about blush-inducing topics. But not only does it allow for alignment of expectations, it also puts the sexual tension in a pressure cooker – which sounds intense and potentially dangerous – but builds some delicious anticipation. Trust and openness are fuel for good sex, period.

Level with yourself and your expectations

Speaking of expectations… Get real about yours before getting undressed. Are you fulfilling a juicy fantasy? Embarking on a one-time mission purely for curiosity? Dreaming of being a throuple? Gaining a crystal clear idea of why you’re even doing this, and what you want out of it, is a pretty damn good place to start.

Don’t keep it to yourself, either. Communicating expectations is a vital way to prevent confusion and hurt. As Crow puts it, “One partner might expect this to be a one-time thing, while another partner hopes it is ongoing. A partner of a couple might feel that a threesome is fine, but the third party is a sexual guest of the couple and there will be no time alone with either partner.” While that may sound like a complicated conversation, it’s a hell of a lot less complicated than piecing together where everyone’s at post-sex if there was zero communication in the first place.

Discuss desires and be upfront about any boundaries

Not only is “What’s Your Fantasy?” by Ludacris a smash hit, it’s also a question we should ask ourselves. Lena Elkhatib, a sex and relationships therapist who founded Essentia Therapy(Opens in a new tab), recommends asking the following: “Are you looking to be the ‘guest star’ of the threesome, or do you want the attention to be shared? Would you like to do more watching than participating or prefer all hands-on-deck?” The possibilities are endless, folks!

Talk about what you want and don’t want. Nobody wants a surprise finger in a place they’ve mentally ruled out. Assert whatever is a no-go and establish any boundaries so everyone’s on the same page. Get on the same page with protection – condoms, birth control for anyone with a uterus – all the goods. Elkhatib also recommends using a safeword “for either stopping or pausing sexual activity if something unexpected comes up in the moment. This helps create safety for everyone involved and gives actionable tools for partners to recalibrate if needed during their sexual encounter.”

Tend to the relationship dynamics involved

Who you are within a threesome dynamic, and who you’re with, makes a world of a difference. Sleeping with a formerly platonic friend has the potential to be incredible, but there are some times where the vibes become questionable. Are you strangers? Starry eyed lovers? Old friends sitting atop years of juicy, built up sexual tension? Consider the dynamics and how they may shift once sex is in the equation.

For couples, Elkhatib suggests: “If you’re in a primary relationship and inviting a third to join you, make sure you and your partner discuss any concerns or fears you have around having a threesome, such as jealousy, comparison or relationship insecurity, and talk about ways to mitigate some of those potential threats.” Coming up with an emotional game plan of sorts, in case someone begins to feel jealous or uncomfortable, is a good way to prepare.

“If you’re in a primary relationship and inviting a third to join you, make sure you and your partner discuss any concerns or fears you have around having a threesome, such as jealousy, comparison or relationship insecurity.”

Don’t forget to show your guest some hospitality, either. We get it, you’ve got the hots big time for each other. They’re a human just like you, though – not an object to solely be sexualized. Threesomes should be fun for everyone, so be cognizant of balancing the level of interaction and attention. An absence of such can leave your third feeling left out or used. 

If negative emotions come up during the threesome – body image issues, jealousy, or self-consciousness – take a break and tend to what your body needs most, whether an open conversation, some reassurance, or a bit of time alone. It’s perfectly okay to slow down or stop completely if things aren’t feeling good. If you’re comfortable sharing what’s going on with your partners, do so. Most importantly: Prioritize your immediate needs and remember to breathe. Your mental health is more important than someone else’s orgasm.

Think of it as an improv show rather than a scripted play

When Shakespeare said “all the world’s a stage,” I really hope he wasn’t including the bedroom. Threesomes should be a pure act of improv rather than anything scripted – allowing things to play out organically without pressure. “Sometimes people go in with a rigid script of how everything should go, which can create pressure and anxiety,” Elkhatib says. “By thinking of it as improv – the stage, players and parameters are set in advance, but the ‘show’ is ultimately co-created in the moment.”

As with any great act of improv, there’s bound to be an awkward moment or two. One minute you might be breathily teetering on the edge of orgasm, only to be like “hold up, my foot is trapped under someone’s thigh” minutes later. Everyone’s experience is going to be completely different, and you might end up surprised over what you like or dislike about it all.

Dr. Elyssa Helfer, a certified sexologist and the founder of Elevated Healing Center(Opens in a new tab), suggests embracing the occasional awkwardness. “Media portrayals of threesomes are almost always inaccurate in that the representations lack the realities of the humanness that can occur when bringing multiple bodies together. Unexpected noises, smells, positioning mishaps and even the occasional slip off of the bed are all possible. Embracing connection, fun and authenticity rather than perfection as a goal can be a great way to appreciate humanity in one another,” Helfer says.

“Media portrayals of threesomes are almost always inaccurate in that the representations lack the realities of the humanness that can occur when bringing multiple bodies together.”

Don’t forget the aftercare

When I say “aftercare,” you say “check in on one another post-threesome and make space for any emotions that arise!” Seriously though, threesomes can bring up a wide range of feelings. Checking in with yourself and your partners is a healthy way to debrief.

Elkhatib shares some intel on how to go about it: “Discuss what you each liked or would like to do differently next time. The end goal is to make sure there is space afterwards to give one another care and attention in whatever capacity is needed, and let partners know they won’t be left hanging.” Basking in that post-sex glow together never hurt, either.

“Having a threesome is about accessing new sensations and feelings, and each new experience gives you more insight to your sexual self. So even if it doesn’t play out the way you imagined, it’s still a chance to learn about yourself and grow sexually,” Elkhatib concludes.

Oh yes, nothin’ but wholesome self-growth in our threesomes.

Complete Article HERE!

A Guy Who Says a Successful Threesome Is All About Communication

Andy, 31, talked to GQ about not understanding when people are hitting on him, coming out, and getting involved with straight guys.

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My first sexual experience was when I was younger. An older kid was pretending to wrestle me and kind of did some hump action—I wasn’t sure what that was, I just knew it felt great. I was conflicted about that for years, and then I became an adult and I was like, “Oh well, that was definitely, you know, a mild form of molestation.”

My first consensual experience was when I was about 17 or 18. It was literally just a friend and I jacking off together and some oral. We came back from a high school dance. Another friend had as much of an after party as you can have in high school, and he had some beers and we’d each had like, half a beer, and we were like, “Oh we’re so drunk,” even though we weren’t. We just kind of locked eyes. I wasn’t out to him, he wasn’t out to me, but I was just like, “Hey, do you want to try something?” and he was like, “Well it depends on what it is you’d like to try.” I remember verbatim his word choice. And I was like, “Well, maybe I should just do it and if you like it, cool and if you don’t, tell me to stop.” And I got on my knees and opened his bands and he ended up being way more into it than I was, which was surprising. He wanted to escalate into something further, but we were kids who didn’t know what they were doing.

When I was in college I was just so… I wouldn’t say innocent, but I was just so inexperienced that oftentimes when people would be blatantly flirting with me and I had no idea. I went to a pretty small college in Kansas; there were like 8,000 people collectively for undergrad and graduate programs. And so like I had very little experience and so while I was navigating that I had plenty of opportunities to do more than what I actually did. I was still somewhat prudish, because I had no idea what it was that I liked or didn’t like. One time a super hot country guy came up to me at a bar where I was with some of my buddies. He was like, “Hey can I buy you a drink?” and I was like “Sure” and then he comes back with the drink and he’s like “Hey do you want to go duck hunting some time?” And I’m like, “I’m black; I don’t duck hunt.” It took several occasions of my friends being like “I think that guy’s hitting on you.”

I’d say the vast majority of my experiences have been with men who identify as straight or men who know they’re gay, but who are on the DL. You know, straight people don’t have to come out. And so I don’t feel like gay people should have to come out. Come out to the people you feel comfortable coming out to. But most importantly, you come out to yourself and you work through how you feel about yourself. And if you’ve done that work, that’s what’s most important to me. Like we don’t have to skip into the sunset. We don’t have to parade around doing PDA. None of that’s very important to me. I just want to know that the people that are closest to you in life, like your family or friends that they know about us—that’s really my only requirement for anything monogamous or long term.

I understand that not everybody is worth exploring monogamy with and not everyone is capable of it. I can get with a DL guy and maybe the sex will be good, but it doesn’t necessarily correlate with my worth or his worth. It’s just something that I need in that moment, because I’m feeling sexual, and that’s all that it has to be. Whereas I could date a guy who’s in the closet, and I think what’s most important for me is that he’s comfortable with who he is.

There was a super hot Italian guy from when I lived in Kansas. We met off Scruff or Grindr, and we hooked up on and off for about five years. The last time we hooked up was at the start of the pandemic. And he was super great at everything, don’t get me wrong. But he was still trying to date women while we were hooking up. He’d get into a relationship with a woman and then I wouldn’t hear from him for a few months, and then they’d break up and he’d hit me up. Once he even hit me up when he was still with her and I was like, “Are you single yet?” because I don’t want that karma.

I remember being surprised because he was one of the straight guys I’ve been with who was just really, really good at everything we did, but then sometimes he’d get weird about kissing. And then sometimes in the middle of sex he’d go into like overdrive and just do everything he wanted to do and it almost seemed like he had a mental block that had been lifted. Once after we hooked up, he’d gotten off and I was on top masturbating, getting ready to get myself off and he started to close his eyes and I kind of laughed and asked why and he was like, “Oh Catholic guilt.” We talked about it afterward while we were showering together. He was like, “You know that this won’t be anything more than what it is, right?” And I’m like, “Yeah, I’m like I’m good. Are you good?” He admitted that he wanted a wife and kids someday. So I told him, basically, I completely understand that’s where you are in your journey; it’s fine and I’m comfortable with you wanting whatever you want. But I also know you’re denying or compartmentalizing what it means to be with me and maybe you’ve enjoyed being with me more than you “should.”

I’m Carribean; I’m first-generation American. So we don’t typically struggle with, you know, the shame most Americans do. Being raised by islanders? I mean, there women dance around in next to nothing during Carnival and it’s not seen as sexual. It’s seen as cultural. A lot of feelings regarding sex and sexuality…I just didn’t have. They weren’t natural or indigenous to me because I was raised so free. A lot of what I bring to the table now is just that freedom. And the freedom I feel to say, “I like this. I don’t like that. Don’t do that.” And then just be able to walk away during or before a sexual experience because I know myself. I’ve done my sexual due diligence. I know what I like but I’m also open and curious, so if I might like something I create boundaries where it’s safe to explore that. And I feel like that mindset automatically translates into pretty great sex. I’ve gotten better at head. I’ve gotten better at reading the room. Like, when I do it slow you like it. When I use my tongue there you come. Each person is different—the only thing that’s consistent is that no one appreciates a mediocre performance.

Hooking up with a guy and his girlfriend, that’s something I never thought I’d be into, because I’ve never been into women, but I actually enjoyed it more than being in threesomes with all men. Women are just different or special. But I’ve had great threesomes. It’s because I’ve asked the hard questions before I even leave the comfort of my home. If I’m taking you out for a drink, I want to know what is it that you’re looking for. If you can’t tell me what you’re looking for? It’s a nonstarter. Or if you say I’m on [this app] out of boredom it’s a nonstarter, because how am I supposed to trust you with my future if you haven’t been thoughtful or purposeful with your own?

So with threesomes it’s like: What are you looking to get out of this? What are your boundaries? What’s most important to you in this experience? Should I focus more on your partner or should I focus more on you? If someone’s not receiving enough attention how do we realign and get back on track? If you have these conversations early and often, you know what you’re getting into and it creates a good, equitable experience for everyone.

Complete Article HERE!

How to close an open relationship

How to close an open relationship

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Over the past few years, conversations about polyamory have become more and more commonplace.

In fact, recent research by Lovehoney has uncovered that, as Brits become more sexually explorative and adventurous than ever, one in four Brits say they would consider an open relationship or some kind of polyamory in their lives, while 31% of Brits do not believe in monogamy at all.

Often when we speak about non-monogamy, there’s an assumption that decisions about the dynamic of a relationship made between couples (whether they’re about polyamory or anything else really) are permanent and unchangeable. A common misconception in relationships is that once a boundary is laid down, it’s immobile.

That myth can put people off trying an open relationship. A quick scroll through the non monogamy subreddit will show bouts of people concerned that an open relationship may have no end if they come to dislike it, or already do.

But while boundaries should always be respected, they’re subject to change as individuals and couples grow. If a relationship dynamic is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to negotiate with your partner and propose a new chapter.

Closing open relationships is more common than you might think. Hairdresser Izzy, 31, and her husband shift manager James, 35, opened their marriage after five years of being in a relationship and one year of marriage.

‘We’re both bisexual but neither of us have had a chance to explore things with the opposite sex, always being in hetero relationships,’ Izzy tells Metro.co.uk. ‘We decided to give each other that chance as like a gift.’

For two years, they loved having an open relationship.

‘Neither of us got serious with other people and we still had sex with one another and made lots of time for dates,’ Izzy shares. ‘In a way nothing changed between us really, just I slept with women and Jake slept with men and we felt like we were finally getting to explore our queer identities.’

Things changed for the couple when Izzy got pregnant.

She tells us: ‘Lots of poly couples make a pregnancy work. I’ve seen couples who involve the other partners and the kid gets to have a load of parents who all of them. For us, though, it felt icky.

Multiethnic couple holding hands and walking
Communication is key

‘Being pregnant made me want to close our relationship again and just focus on the three of us, at least for the time being.’

Bella and James think they will eventually re-open their relationship but not until their child, now six months old, is a bit older.

‘I think because we weren’t serious with any of our partners, it didn’t feel natural to involve polyamory with our pregnancy or keep it going,’ Bella adds. ‘And soon I would be so big that sex would kind of be off the cards, wouldn’t it?’

Thankfully for the couple, closing the relationship wasn’t a huge deal.

‘Again I think because we didn’t have any romantic attachment to any of the people we were sleeping with, like we weren’t serious or committed to any of them, [closing the relationship] was sort of easy,’ Bella explains. ‘When we found out we were pregnant, we both just kind of said we should probably stop.’

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator who specialises in relationship diversity, says closing a relationship can be complicated, ‘but so is opening a relationship’. The key is good old communication.

She tells us: ‘If both partners are down to close the relationship, it’s totally doable. You just have to be on the same page about it.

‘But the thing about open relationships (and relationships in general) is that both people have to want that style of relationship for the relationship to thrive.’

She adds that if one partner wants an open relationship and one partner wants a closed relationship, this is a recipe for disaster.

She continues: ‘Really, what it comes down to is, are you okay with it if your partner wants to close the relationship?

‘If you don’t want to close it, is that a compromise you’re willing to make? It’s really okay if you don’t want to close it, and it’s okay if you do.’

Cropped hands of lesbian couple holding hands against purple background
It’s okay for your relationship to change

If you are on different pages, Engle suggests involving a qualified psychosexual therapist to try to work through that conversation, ‘because you’re fundamentally incompatible on this topic’.

‘It may have to end the relationship, which isn’t a bad thing because you deserve to live your truth,’ Gigi comments.

‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to close your open relationship. A lot of couples who have close really open relationships often close them at least for periods of time.

‘For instance, like when one partner gets pregnant, the couple may decide to close the relationship during the time of the pregnancy because there’s so much emotional support needed.’

Students Sammi*, 22, and Danielle*, 21, opened their relationship after they’d been together for three years.

Sammi tells Metro.co.uk: ‘My partner had never been with a male before and wanted to experiment, I was eager to explore being open and sleeping with other people except my partner, we didn’t have sex particularly often as we both take antidepressants and find our libidos don’t line up as often as we’d like.’

The couple discussed the idea for a while, downloading dating apps together and making sure they understood and respected each other’s boundaries, before starting to see other people.

‘Soon we started dating others and further on, we ended up having threesomes with people we had each met individually which was an exciting experience,’ Sammi shares. ‘But my partner struggled with this and found it hard to articulate their exact feelings as they weren’t sure what they were feeling themselves.’

Eventually Sammi’s partner, who is non-binary, realised the envy they were feeling wasn’t over Sammi sleeping with men, but over the men themselves.

‘In the end, my partner realised that actually the jealousy was more envy of the males I was meeting as they themselves did not identify as female,’ Sammi explains. ‘We decided to close the relationship again as it brought up feelings we didn’t want to have to work through.

‘So basically our open relationship triggered a gender identity crisis for my partner but ended in an awakening.’

Sammi also realised that she was having sex with men for validation, and she and her partner found this unhealthy – adding another reason to close the relationship.

The conversation about closing their open relationship was made a lot easier because they’d discussed the importance of communicating any and all feelings right when they first discussed polyamory.

Sammi says: ‘We didn’t have a timescale in mind, just for as long as we both enjoyed it and felt we wanted it to be open.

‘I really can’t emphasise the importance of communication during this time as I really think it would have ended us if we couldn’t be open and discuss these things without judgement from the other side.’

Gigi recommends discussing the potential closure of an open relationship from the very beginning, when you first discuss the idea of opening the relationship.

‘When opening, it has to be clear that this might not work and that you’re willing to work through that possibility together,’ she says.

If you want to close your open relationship, these conversations can’t be avoided.

‘You should be living your most authentic life so that you don’t end up miserable and resentful of your partner,’ Gigi says.

She adds that some people go back and forth on opening and closing their relationships, while others open their relationship for a few years then close it again because they’re done with that part of their sexual exploration.

‘It’s completely fine to do and doesn’t make you boring,’ Gigi shares. ‘It doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong.

‘After many years, relationships shift, they change, they never stay stagnant.

‘And what works for you at one point in your life may not work in another.’

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have a Threesome

— Whether You’re Single or in a Relationship

by Gabrielle Kassel

Third time’s the charm? More like: add a third, have a climax!

Today we’re talking all things three-ways.

Whether you’re monogamous, monogam-ish, open, polyamorous, single, dating, married, or somewhere in between, you’ll find something in this beginner’s guide for you.

The definition of threesome is probably looser than you think it is.

Ready? A threesome is sex between three people.

And sex is any meaningful act of pleasure that happens in person or with the help of technology, as defined by sex educator, psychotherapist, and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT.

So a threesome could be anything from an R-rated group chat or a three-way phone sex call to an oral sex chain or an Eiffel Tower.

“Threesomes aren’t a cure-all for a broken relationship,” says certified intimacy educator and sex coach Stella Harris, author of “The Ultimate Guide to Threesomes.”

“The added pressure of an extra person is likely to amplify any cracks in a pre-established relationship’s stability,” she says.

Basically, a threesome is the opposite of a Band-Aid.

“For threesomes to go smoothly when there’s an existing couple involved, that relationship already needs to be solid,” she adds.

A solid relationship is one in which you can:

  • talk about both your wins and insecurities
  • hear your partner and feel heard by your partner
  • trust each other

Think about it: A threesome offers more hands, holes, and lips, as well as more scents, tastes, and sounds.

So the most common reason people have threesomes is to experience pleasure.

But there are other reasons, too. You might want:

And, hey, taboos can be hot!

The disparity between the number of folks who want to have a threesome and the number of folks actually having them is probably a lot larger than you’ve been led to believe.

Ready?

According to a survey of 4,175 adults conducted by Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a sex researcher and author of “Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life,” 87 percent of women and 97 percent of men fantasize about having sex with more than one person.

The survey didn’t break this fantasy down into specifics, so this figure could include other forms of group sex, too.

All that said, some researchTrusted Source suggests that only 10 percent of women and 18 percent of men have actually had a threesome. Sigh.

It’s important to note that neither the survey nor the 2017 study mentioned above polled folks of other genders.

A sad consequence of living in a sex-negative society is that many often assume that threesomes are reserved for the kinkiest among us.

While there’s nothing (!!) wrong with this, the truth is that engaging in group sex doesn’t have to say anything about who you are.

Anyone who wants to have a threesome can have one!

N-O-P-E!

You can be any gender, sex, or sexuality and enjoy a three-way.

“There’s a common fear amidst straight men that you can’t be in a threesome with another man and still be straight,” explains Shelby Ring, sexuality advocate and lead educator with Ruby Riot Creatives (a boutique videography firm based in Charleston, South Carolina).

“But you can absolutely have a threesome with another man and still be straight as a door nail.”

Remember:

  1. Being in a threesome with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be touching them.

  2. Sexual acts don’t determine sexual orientation — only self-identification does.

Historically, threesomes have been named according to the make-up of males and females in them.

These terms include:

  • MMM: Male-male-male
  • FFF: Female-female-female
  • MFM: Male-female-male
  • FMF: Female-male-female
  • MMF: Male-male-female
  • FFM: Female-female-male

Nowadays, these designations are considered out of style.

The terms “male” and “female” suggest a biological binary that doesn’t exist.

Sometimes, the phrases “penis-owner” and “vagina-owner” are used to explain the make-up of a threesome. For example, PPV means a threesome with a penis-owner, penis-owner, and vagina-owner.

But these terms can create gender or genital dysphoria in folks who don’t feel connected to their genitals.

The best way to describe the configuration of your threesome is by the genders of each person involved. Are two of you nonbinary and one of you gender-fluid? Just say that!

A threesome isn’t a puppy! You can’t put it in a box with a bow under the Christmas tree, whip it out mid-romp, and yell “surprise.”

Introducing a third person into the bedroom requires tact and lots of open communication.

For instance, you might say:

  • “Babe, have you ever had a threesome? Or wanted to have a threesome?”
  • “I had the hottest threesome dream featuring you, me, and Ruby Rose last night. Can I tell you about it?”
  • “I recently read an article about threesomes, and it made me think it’s something that might be really fun to try together. Is it something you’d ever be interested in?”

Another option: Watch an episode or movie with a threesome or group sex scene together, then do a temperature check.

Popular movies and shows with group-play representation include:

  • “Sense 8”
  • “The L Word”
  • “Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
  • “Easy”
  • “House of Cards”
  • “Elite”
  • “Game of Thrones”

While watching, you might consider saying, “Do you ever fantasize about doing that?” or “Have you ever wanted to have a threesome with me and another person?”

Of course, if they’re recoiling with discomfort, read (!) the (!) room (!).

 

Before you and your partner decide to move forward, Harris recommends that you both examine why you want to have a threesome.

“Are your ‘whys’ compatible? How does hearing their reasons make you feel?” she asks.

You’ll also want to discuss your relationship with jealousy.

“Are you prone to jealousy or insecurity? Do you feel comfortable speaking up for yourself and your boundaries?” she adds.

“Remember: Multi-person play can end up pressing on any weak points in your confidence or relationship.”

This depends on a variety of things, like whether you’re looking with someone else or alone and if physical distancing orders have been lifted.

Use a dating app geared towards threesomes

“There are dating apps geared toward kink or open relationships, which allow you to screen for people who are game for this kind of play before making your approach,” Harris says.

Some popular threesome dating apps include:

Or respectfully use another dating app

Obvi, there are other dating apps, too.

If you use an app that isn’t geared specifically toward group sex, Harris recommends that you “make sure to be transparent that you’re dating as a couple, or that you’re single and looking to join a couple.”

Attend an IRL or URL sex party

“In a sexually charged environment, like at a sex club or play party, these kinds of proposals typically feel pretty natural,” Harris says.

To find the sex clubs nearest you, hit up Google. Search for “sex club in [insert city here].”

To find a local play party, ask the educators at your local feminist sex shop.

Look within your polycule

If you’re polyamorous, you might consider looking within your non-monogamous network! As the saying goes, a polycule that plays together stays together…

You might say:

  • “My other partner finds you incredibly beautiful, and we were wondering if you might be interested in sleeping with us both?”
  • “You know my other partner? We’re interested in having a threesome together. Is that something you might be interested in?”

Don’t only talk about the potential threesome

Whether IRL or URL, “make sure to show an interest in the potential third beyond just sex,” Harris says.

Instead of launching right into threesome talk, get to know them.

“You want to find people you can enjoy talking to, not just fooling around with,” she says.

“Before you start playing, clarity is crucial,” Ring says.

Before clothes start coming off, she recommends discussing:

  • STI status
  • the sex acts that are “acceptable sex acts”
  • the birth control methods that are going to be used and by whom
  • the barrier methods that are going to be used, by whom, and when
  • the desired frequency for the three-way
  • whether there’s potential for the three-way to evolve into a (romantic) triad
  • where everyone will be sleeping after the threesome
  • the types of interactions you’ll have in the days, weeks, and months after the threesome

“Though these conversations may be uncomfortable at first, the more clarity you have, the better,” Ring adds.

Plus, having these clear communications upfront may be a great precursor to feel out the others’ emotional intelligence, too.

“If someone flares up at the thought of having to get STI tested, or becomes extremely reactive when talking about off-limit sex acts, that’s a red flag.”

There’s just one rule for group play: Everyone involved needs to feel — and encouraged to feel — safe, comfortable, and respected.

Beyond that, it’s up to you all to decide who touches who, when, how, and in what order.

Be direct

Wondering how the heck to go from talking about the weather to talking about how wet (or hard) you all are? Harris recommends being direct.

“Sometimes the best way to get there is simply by being direct,” she says. “You might say ‘Would you like to go upstairs/to the bedroom?’ or ‘May I kiss you now?’”

“As long as everyone knows the plan is for a threesome, you don’t need to be coy at this point.” Fair.

Let the more experienced person be the top

Has someone in the group had a threesome before? Harris suggests letting them take the reins.

“If someone in the group is more experienced, it can help if everyone agrees to let them take the lead.”

Consistently communicate

Just as constant communication is the key to pleasurable two-person play, it’s also key to three-person play, says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg The Patriarchy.

Here are some questions you might ask throughout:

  • “How does this feel?”
  • “Do you like it like this [performs one type of touch/lick/bite], or like this [performs another]?”
  • “How are you doing, baby?”

Some folks are OK with a quick check-in before they’re out the door. Others want to cuddle or hop in the shower. Some pairs want to Talk It Out after the third leaves.

There’s no wrong post-threesome move, per say. But you do want to be respectful of everyone’s emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs.

“Like with most things, the only way to be sure you’re on the same page is to ask,” says Harris.

You might say:

  • “Does anyone need water or food?”
  • “How are everyone’s muscles, genitals, and energy levels? Does anyone need ice, a heating pad, lube, or CBD suppository?”
  • “How are you feeling emotionally?”
  • “What are you thinking about?”

“You can also check in with your threesome group the day after and invite any conversations now that the sexy dust has settled,” Matatas says.

Sure, you could you whip out Siri and ask, “What does DP mean?” Or you could pursue the short threesome term sheet below.

Unicorn

A unicorn is an omnisexual (i.e. pansexual or bisexual) individual who’s down to hook-up with both members of a pre-established couple in a no-strings-attached three-way.

Historically, the term referred specifically to bisexual women, but it has since expanded to refer to eager thirds across the spectrum.

Guest star

Often used synonymous with unicorn, the term guest star suggests that the third (who is not part of the established couple) is going to receive the majority of the attention.

Daisy chain

Daisy chaining is the three-person version of 69-ing. It involves everyone simultaneously giving and receiving oral sex.

Double penetration (DP)

Any sex act that involves one person having one or more orifices — anus, vagina, or mouth — filled with two things.

This could include any combination of penises, dildos, ball gags, butt plugs, other sex toys, or fingers.

Double vaginal penetration (DVP)

This happens when a vagina-owner has their vaginal canal simultaneously filled by two penises, two dildos, or one of each.

Threesomes can be pleasurable as long as there’s plenty of chit-chat along the way.

So, in the words of Tash Sultana and Matt Corby, “Let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out. Baby let’s talk it out, talk it out, talk it out.”

Complete Article HERE!

Why Being In A Throuple Could Be Your Best Relationship Ever

By

You’ve heard that two’s company and three’s a crowd. But throuples are here to prove that three—yes, three—is where the party’s at.

As you may have guessed, a throuple is a romantic relationship between three people. And while the term might be new to you, Ann Rosen Spector, PhD, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia, insists there’s nothing new or unusual about the concept.

Why? Because “it’s totally possible to be in love with more than one person at one time,” she says. (You heard it from her.)

Here’s everything you need to know about throuples, whether you just want a better understanding of the nontraditional relationship or are considering starting one yourself.

1. A throuple isn’t the same as an open relationship.

First things first, a little clarification on exactly what a throuple is and is not…

A throuple is:

  • A balanced, consensual, and committed relationship between three partners

A throuple is NOT:

  • An opportunity to be in a relationship and have sex with people who are not their partner
  • A threesome, or merely sex between three people

Thanks to the recent increase in visibility of the entire sexual spectrum (hooray!), the throuple (“three” + “couple”) is gaining more and more recognition, as are other forms of polyamory, the umbrella term for relationships involving more than two people.

2. A throuple doesn’t have any “formula,” aside from involving three people.

Throuples can be made up of people of any gender identity and any sexual orientation who choose to be together, Spector says. (Love is love, right?)

That said, Spector says that most of the the throuples she’s seen involve a married couple or long-term twosome who choose to add a third person—typically a man and woman who then bring in another woman. Some consider themselves straight; others call themselves bisexual.

She also sees throuples made up of people who don’t conform to any gender, folks who consider themselves pansexual, and those who identify as entirely homosexual. But labels aren’t important, she notes. (Cosign.)

3. A throuple has legit advantages.

Sometimes a throuple begins as a purely sexual pursuit, to spice up a twosome, and then evolves into its own relationship with mutual feelings among the three parties.

But other times—and often times—people in a relationship who love each other but don’t want to be monogamous choose to add a third person to round out their bond.

Which has definite benefits, Spector says: When you have a third person involved, chances are you’ll expose yourself and your original partner to qualities that both of you may want but can’t offer each other.

A third partner can also serve as a buffer or mediator when scuffles come up between the other two, Spector adds.

All that could make for a much more satisfying relationship. Because just like couples, throuples love each other, elevate each other, argue, have sex, live together, and—yep—may even have children.

4. Throuple-hood could make the relationship a little harder, though.

The dynamics within a throuple can differ drastically from a typical duo. First, there’s the jealousy part, a potential side effect of a three-way relationship if one person feels like there’s an uneven split of attention or commitment.

The best way to avoid this is to have everyone voice their needs and concerns at the start of the relationship—and be honest if and when those needs and concerns change, says Spector.

Second, when it comes to conflict, having a third person in a relationship leaves room for taking sides—an unhealthy tactic that can put the bond on shaky ground, Spector explains. (That can be avoided if each party can master the aforementioned mediator role.)

Like in any relationship, a throuple requires tons of communication so that everyone feels heard and no one feels left out

A few ways to make sure that happens, from Spector:

  • Be super specific about your needs.
    For example, say: “Since we’re all in a relationship together, while I’m comfortable with you and our partner kissing, I’d prefer if we only had sex as a threesome.”
  • Eliminate secrets.
    Open communication is even more important when there’s three people involved. So always check in with both partners—and yourself.
  • Speak up if your feelings change.
    Try: “I know you’re happy in our throuple, but this isn’t something I wanted for the long term. I’d rather go back to our relationship being just the two of us. Thoughts?”

5. A throuple can be a totally healthy and balanced relationship.

Entering throuple-hood can enrich your romantic life if everyone shares similar interests, values, and ideals, Spector says, but make sure you can handle coupledom before bringing in a third person.

If you feel like you’re fully ready and wanting to add a third, Spector suggests letting your current partner know by gauging their interest.

Say something like: “I’d like to invite someone else into our relationship. How would you feel about having X join us and becoming a throuple?”

As long as they’re on board—and all three of you are willing to put in the work—go ahead and get that party started.

Complete Article HERE!

A Dating App for Three, Plus

Nonmonogamous coupling — and “thruppling” — has been lubricated by the internet.

By Haley Mlotek

Feeld is a dating app with options that put the Kinsey scale to shame.

If you’re single, you can set up an account stating your preferences and curiosities, as you might with any other service. The app lists 20 possibilities for sexuality alone, including heteroflexible (straight-ish) and homoflexible (gay, for the most part).

But couples and partners can sign up, too, in service of finding a third — or a fourth.

The app was released in 2014 by Dimo Trifonov and Ana Kirova, two graphic designers living in London, as 3nder (pronounced “Thrinder”). They hoped to appeal to individuals and partners looking to join or have threesomes. But after Tinder filed a lawsuit and the company rebranded as Feeld (as in “playing the”), the founders said they welcomed the opportunity to expand the mission of the app.

“Feeld is a platform for alternative dating, for people who are beyond labels,” Ms. Kirova said in an interview. “They can meet each other without the necessity of coming from a very defined place with a very defined requirement.”

According to the company, the majority of Feeld users are between the ages of 26 and 32, and they cluster in major cities: New York, London, São Paulo, Los Angeles and Paris. About 35 percent are on the app with a partner, and 45 percent identify as something other than heterosexual. (Gender options include nonbinary, intersex and two-spirit, as well as gender-nonconforming, genderqueer and gender-questioning.)

Feeld facilitates types of sexual attachment that are not exactly novel, but are often described in novel terms. (See “thrupple,” a term sometimes used to describe a romantic partnership for three people.) And it’s certainly popular, or at least, of growing interest to many. The company did not provide the most up-to-date download information (in 2016, it reported 1.5 million downloads), but says there are currently 12,000 connections made on Feeld and an average of 100,000 messages sent on a daily basis.

It’s not just the vocabulary of sex and sexuality that has evolved.

The rhetoric of relationships has become increasingly about labor (a lasting romance takes work), and the rhetoric of labor has become about relationships (each company is a family). Consequently, start-up origin stories are often expressed as love stories — the result of passion and ambition, open communication and ready collaboration. For Mr. Trifonov and Ms. Kirova, who began dating six years ago, those semantics are true in every sense. They made Feeld as much for their users as for themselves.

Mr. Trifonov said that they had been together for two years when Ms. Kirova revealed she also had feelings for a woman. “She felt really bad about it, like she was doing something wrong,” he said.

The two met in London, though they were both raised in Bulgaria, an environment Ms. Kirova described as rigid. “If you’re not straight, you’re not normal,” she said. Ms. Kirova considered herself and Mr. Trifonov to be open-minded — “artistic” is how she put it — but it took her a long time to question her own straightness. “That moment when things started shaking and changing, I was like, I’m losing my identity,” she said.

Mr. Trifonov and Ms. Kirova wanted to stay together while also giving Ms. Kirova space to try other relationships, but they didn’t like the options available to them. (They decided to search as a couple.) They felt unfairly judged by the label “swingers,” and recall users on other dating apps reaching out to say they shouldn’t be in spaces intended for single people.

Thus, Feeld was born.

The company struggled to find funding at first: Mr. Trifonov said many prospective investors considered the app “adult entertainment,” which venture capitalists tend to avoid for reasons as legal as they are moral. (On that, Mr. Trifonov said: “How come you can’t differentiate pornography from sexuality? These are two different things.”) Apps like Tinder and Bumble don’t advertise their utility when it comes to polyamorous exploration, but they can be used to the same end. (OkCupid recently added a feature that allows couples to link their accounts in their pursuit of a third.)

Eventually an angel investor swooped in to save Feeld, but the fact that the business is sex-related has presented other challenges.

An attempt to build a Feeld integration for Slack, which would allow co-workers to anonymously confess their office crushes, was, unsurprisingly, shut down — a human resources complaint waiting to happen (the company told Mr. Trifonov it was a violation of their developer policy). The money transfer app TransferWise temporarily blocked Feeld’s ability to collect money for paid memberships (which offer more privacy) because Feeld was considered “adult content.” Mr. Trifonov also claims he was refused an office rental because the landlord didn’t approve of the nature of their business.

Now, the company is up and running more or less smoothly, with some 20 people employed. In the tradition of small businesses everywhere, all workers do multiple tasks, and titles are given more for the benefit of people outside than those within it. (The company also runs an event series on nonmonogamy and put out a magazine.) Ms. Kirova describes herself as being responsible for general product leadership, long-term conceptual ideas, as well as much of the hiring and personnel decisions. Mr. Trifonov, the founder and head of the operation, believes she’s just being modest: “She’s like the unicorn of the company,” he said.

If they had stayed simply a threesome app, Mr. Trifonov believes it would have died as a threesome app. “When I started Feeld I thought — like every other founder, I guess — this company isn’t going to be like other companies,” he said.

I asked if he thought that there was some overlap between the two expectations: that social mores, from business to the bedroom, are better overthrown than followed. “I guess they overlap somehow, don’t they?” he replied. “When you have the mind-set of questioning things, it applies everywhere. We questioned our relationship. We questioned the way the business will work.”

Complete Article HERE!

Threesome Tips: 6 Things You Should Know Before Having One

By Sophie Saint Thomas

Yes, “unicorn” is a problematic term for a person who joins a couple for a threesome (they’re a person, not a sex toy or prop). But the title gets one thing right: Like unicorns, enthusiastic guest stars in couples’ sexual adventures are hard to find. (I refuse to accept that unicorns do not exist at all. They’re probably somewhere in Alaska or Iceland, and the narwhals just won’t tell us where.) The person who is eager to show up and fulfill both your and your partner’s sexual fantasies and then disappear without a trace is likely, well, a fantasy. Hot threesomes happen, but they take preparation and communication, and not everyone is ready to successfully venture into the mystical land of group sex. For all those in relationships considering having a threesome, here are six things to know before you dive in.

1. A threesome will not “fix” your relationship.

If your partnered sex life is suffering, you could have an adult conversation about how your needs aren’t being met. You could see a couples therapist. You could carve out a night for absolutely nothing except an oral-sex marathon. (Actually, maybe do that no matter how good your sex life is.) What you shouldn’t do is expect a new sexual experience to magically solve your problems. David Ortmann, a San-Francisco- and Manhattan-based psychotherapist and sex therapist, says couples who turn to threesomes often do so in an effort to put a Band-Aid on unresolved intimacy issues. “If you’re having a threesome because sex is boring, you need to address why the sex is boring before you bring in the third,” Ortmann says. When the third leaves, your intimacy issues will still be there.

2. Your pre-threesome communication with your partners should be exhaustive.

Before you and your partner have a threesome, you should have talked about it so much that you’re tired of talking about it. “The couple needs to be on solid ground sexually and communication-wise. They need to know what they want to happen and why,” Ortmann says.

Do you feel more comfortable sleeping with a mutual acquaintance or creating a couple’s Tinder account to find a third? If you’re an opposite-sex couple looking for a female-bodied third, can the male partner have all kinds of sex with them or, for example, only manual and oral? Does the third get to spend the night? Does the third want to spend the night? Have you discussed what you want out of the group sex, both sexually and emotionally? What’s your exit plan if someone gets uncomfortable and says the safe word? Do you have a safe word? (You should.) Are you tired of reading these questions? Conversations around sex and intimacy can feel tedious, but they’re the foundation of a positive experience.

Unless you, your partner, and your third are on the same page about everyone’s boundaries, expectations, and desires — and you understand things might not go to plan — you’re likely not ready for a threesome. Talk with your partner about what you don’t want to happen, what you’d like to happen, and what you’re expecting to get out of the threesome experience. Then, when you’ve identified a potential third, discuss all of the same with them, too. A threesome should be like a carefully planned trip to a foreign country you’ve never visited: Prepare with an itinerary, but also expect the unexpected.

3. Someone may feel left out at some point — and if you can’t bear the thought of it being you, you may not be ready for a threesome.

Ortmann puts it bluntly when he tells me, “Three people is actually the most problematic of all of the configurations.” Considering the emotional and physical needs of one person during sex (while also expressing your own) is hard enough. Adding an extra person compounds the complications, whereas in “moresomes,” or groups or partners larger than three, it’s often less likely an individual will feel left out at any given time.

Here’s a heads-up for those in \relationships: Be ready to awkwardly sit on the bed questioning what to do while your partner goes down on the third with a hunger you haven’t seen from them for months. Maybe you’ll end up realizing, “Oh! I get to touch some boobs,” but you might also find yourself wondering, “Wait, why is no one’s face in my delicious genitals?”

These moments happen, but one way to make it less likely anyone will feel extraneous is to meet a potential third in a non-sexual setting before inviting them into your bed. Once I convinced my ex-boyfriend to go on a date with me and another woman with the goal of facilitating a threesome. We matched with a woman on Tinder who accepted our invitation for drinks. My ex and this woman vibed, and while I liked her as a person, there was no chemistry between us. I felt like the third wheel on a date with my own partner — a great sign the dynamic in bed wouldn’t have been rewarding for me either.

4. Safer sex precautions are non-negotiable.

Safer sex devices, such as condoms and dental dams, are crucial in a threesome. Your souvenirs of the experience should be hot memories, not STIs or unintended pregnancy. And condoms aren’t just for penises: Any threesome that features sex toys should incorporate them too. Perhaps you and your partner are in a monogamous and fluid-bonded relationship, meaning you’ve decided to exchange bodily fluids and start having unprotected sex, but you’re bringing in a third who is likely sleeping with other people. It’s important to discuss everyone’s safer sex rules before any action takes place.

Your souvenirs of the experience should be hot memories, not STIs or unintended pregnancy

In terms of etiquette, when it comes to threesomes, I feel about condoms the way I feel about appetizers: If you’re hosting the party, you should be the one providing them. Talk as a group about what other items you’d like to have at the ready: Will lube enhance the experience? How about toys? And P.S.: Even if you’re not having penetrative sex, or even oral sex, keep in mind that STIs such as HPV and herpes can be spread by skin-to-skin contact.

5. You could catch feelings.

Once my traveling ex-boyfriend said it was cool if I dated other people while he was out of town with the sneaky hope I would find a third for when he got home. He and I broke up, and the woman I met on Tinder while he was away had hot sex on our own and eventually became best friends. (Hey, he said I could date and I took him at his word.) Going back to communication, it’s important to be crystal clear with your partner about what you’re looking for. If you are both in pursuit of hot sex via a threesome, great. But if one of you is secretly looking for an extra-relationship emotional connection and the other isn’t, things could get messy.

And even if you and your partner are both just looking for hot sex, it’s important to understand all three people in a threesome have emotions that can’t be completely predicted. The third could leave with a desire to see one or both of you again, or your partner could want more and end up hitting up the third on the DL — when you open a sexual door, emotions may creep in too. It might feel awkward to bring this possibility up with your partner in advance, but you’ll be that much more equipped to deal with the eventuality if you do.

6. A threesome will likely change your dynamic with your partner.

Now, this isn’t always a bad thing. If you’ve communicated well and put due diligence into finding a third you’re both comfortable with, you could have a satisfying threesome that inspires more wild sex between the two of you long after you’ve kissed your third goodbye. In my experience, locking eyes with your partner as they penetrate your new friend from behind while said friend goes down on you is about as sexy as Earthling existence gets.

Threesomes can be enticing and exciting, and you and your partner could both really like the experience: You may want to integrate it into your regular sex life or consider even dating a third person. Then again, the sex could suck, you could feel left out, or your partner could develop feelings for the guest star — it’s all possible. If you’re in a healthy relationship based on strong communication and shared desires, you should be able to weather these risks. And if not, you probably have a few things to work on before you’re ready to welcome a guest star to your bed.

Complete Article HERE!

Threesome Sex Fantasy: Part 3

Look for Part 1 HERE and Part 2 HERE!

The Psychology Behind Why A Menage A Trois Is So Alluring

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4. The Trouble With Threesomes

Health Risks

Sex between two people can provide a host of infections and diseases; sex among three people triples those odds. A threesome is riskier than sex in a mutually monogamous, long-term relationship where both people have been tested. For example, if you touch one person, and you get fluids on you, and you touch the other person, fluids have been exchanged.

There’s a risk of exposing the third partner to bodily fluids when two fluid-bonded partners engage in unprotected sexual acts. In the book The Ethical Slut, author Dossle Easton uses the term “fluid bonding” to describe when partners involved do not use condoms or other barriers during sex.

Barriers for all sexual activities can go overlooked in threesomes; all partners should use a new barrier every time they switch sexual acts. If one person goes from intercourse to fellatio, or vice versa, you change condoms. You also need to change condoms if you move from penetrating one partner to penetrating another. You need to pick up a new dental dam when performing oral sex on someone new.

Psychological Impact

As expected, men are more likely to initiate asking women for a ménage à trois . Women are more likely to be aware and concerned about the potential emotional pitfalls and hurts that can be detrimental to all relationships. This is why couples should discuss their physical and emotional limits before the third person becomes involved.

“I have seen some serious fall-out from threesomes gone badly. It can be hard to predict the intensity of jealousy and hurt when it comes to sexual experience and bringing another person in,” Dr. Gail Saltz, a  psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, told Medical Daily .

Finally, remember that the “special guest” is a person, too. They need to be treated with respect. It’s important to ask them about, and listen to, their limits as well. As with any other sexual experience, everyone needs to feel safe and comfortable enough to say no as well as yes.

5. Should Threesomes Fantasies Just Stay Fantasies?

The threesome fantasy is a common one, whether we like to admit it or not, but should we act it out?

“… Not everybody wants to act out their fantasies,” Masini said, and some people have very good reasons for abstaining.

Many people keep their fantasies in their imaginations because they know if they acted on them, they’d lose their primary relationship. If we fantasize about sex with a neighbor or a colleague, acting out the fantasy could lead to rejection from the object of our fantasies, and a break-up with our significant other.

This is not to say threesomes can’t go well. Those who really know themselves and their partners can have successful trios.

Saltz advises: “It needs to be thoroughly talked through with openness to [discuss] concerns, fears; [couples should be willing] to listen to each other, and retreat if one needs to.”

Once we see our partner enjoying sex with someone else, we can’t unsee it. The potential vulnerability it introduces, and the potential desire for the third person could be detrimental to a relationship.

Before we start calling up friends, or putting “Special guest wanted” in classified ads, we should ask ourselves why we want one in the first place. To fulfill a fantasy? To feel more desired or wanted? Are we trying to fix our intimate relationship with our partner?

Threesomes can be a fun, adventurous sexual experiment, but can they replace true intimacy between two people?

The idea of a threesome is hot, but it doesn’t mean you should actually do it.

We’re in control of our bodies, and our sexual escapades, so whether that means a intimate twosome or a frisky threesome, it’s up to us.

Complete Article HERE!

Threesome Sex Fantasy: Part 2

Look for Part 1 HERE!

The Psychology Behind Why A Menage A Trois Is So Alluring

By

So, why are we so intrigued by threesomes when at least two of the same gender must participate?

2. The Object Of Simultaneous Desire

The idea of being simultaneously loved and adored by two males, two females, or a male and a female grouping may be exciting for some. Threesomes present a way for women and men to be wanted by more than one person, and be “center stage.”

[P]sychologically, men and women see threesomes as validating their sexual status, or level of attraction. The idea that someone or a couple would consider the third party worthy enough for a salacious encounter can be an ego boost.

Masini adds: “People who are insecure often feel that being part of a threesome will give them confidence, sexually, and make them a more desirable partner because they’ve had this experience.”

Some women see it as a confidence builder, as they enjoy being seduced and desired. For men, it means they’re desirable enough to get two women in bed at the same time.

The psychological allure of threesomes, especially for men, could be driven by a biological urge.

Biological Urge For Threesomes

Men

A ménage à trois with two women is a popular fantasy among men. The idea of being with two women at the same time is intriguing because it represents twice the number of body parts to enjoy sexually. It’s also not surprising; this comes from a man’s biological urge to procreate with as many women as possible to spread his genes.

Women

When it comes to mating, women look beyond just an alpha male. The criteria for a woman to sexually desire a man includes strength, health, and fighting ability. In other words, when women are looking to mate, they want a man who possesses the best possible genes for her offspring, and the offspring’s best chance of survival to pass on those genes.

Women may be less likely to engage in a threesome because subconsciously, they do not see any benefit. A male-female-female scenario reduces her chances of procreating with a male. A woman plans, examines her choices, and makes conscious decisions about her sex life — for the most part.

3. Attitudes About Threesomes: Women Vs. Men

Men and women both dig the concept of a threesome, but whether they engage in it or not is different, according to a 2016 study in the Journal of Sexual Archives. Researchers noted 82 percent of men and 31 percent of women were interested in a threesome. However, compared to women, men reported significantly more positive attitudes and greater interest in mixed-gender threesomes. Meanwhile, 24 percent of men and eight percent of women said they’ve already had a menage a trois. Men prefer to know the person who would join them, and their partner, whereas women only cared whether they knew the other two people if they were the third party to join a couple.

People appear to be open-minded about threesomes, but there’s a big difference between how many people want to have them, and how many actually do it.

“The fact that attitudes and interests were more strongly correlated with each other than with behavior is in keeping with research that has documented a discrepancy between sexual attitudes and beliefs and sexual behavior,” wrote the study authors.

A similar study in the Journal of Bisexuality found regardless of the proposed relationship type, very few women showed interest in having a threesome with two men if given the opportunity. For a woman, a threesome with two men is much more of a social taboo, as some women don’t want to have casual sex with one guy, let alone two.

Unsurprisingly, men leapt at the opportunity to have a threesome with two women, although this desire was lower for both dating and committed relationship partners. In this scenario, women were also less enthused, because it does not have the same appeal to a straight woman as it does to a straight man, beyond the excitement that comes with group sex.

The researchers did find the results were similar when participants were asked how arousing they found the fantasy of a threesome with two opposite-sex partners.

“Some people basically find a threesome a bucket list fantasy they may or may not enact, but they keep it in their ‘fantasy bank’, because they like the way it makes them feel,” said Masini.

Complete Article HERE!

Threesome Sex Fantasy: Part 1

The Psychology Behind Why A Menage A Trois Is So Alluring

By

[M]ost men have fantasized about it, and most women have been propositioned for it: a threesome. A ménage à trois has appeal for several reasons, including the allure of being the center of sexual pleasure, while pleasing others at the same time. The forbidden turns into a night of double the pleasure, double the fun. But should the fantasy of a threesome become a reality?

There’s a lot of mystery surrounding the seductive triad because they’re sexy and alluring, yet dangerous and forbidden. We can imagine what they’ll be like, but we won’t truly know until we go there.

April Masini, relationship expert and author, believes society feels “regular intercourse” is tradition, and a threesome is a “lesser tradition that is not part of a healthy, long-term relationship” she told Medical Daily. These core beliefs will inform a person’s decision to either pursue the fantasy, or leave well enough alone.

Not all fantasies should be shared; if we’re in a relationship, and haven’t talked about the idea with a partner, it could be uncomfortable, awkward, and upsetting to add a “plus one” to our sexual rendezvous. There are risks and benefits for singles, as well.

1. Sex And The Media: Threesomes

The media has become an outlet of information for sex, dating, and sexual health, especially during our teen years, and it influences our sexual behavior and attitudes of what we’re expected to do and like. The media can display casual sex and sexuality with no consequences, which may change the way we think about them, including threesomes.

In a 2003 study published in the Journal of Undergraduate Research, researchers examined the relationship between TV viewing and sexual attitudes and perceptions. Students from a public Midwestern university completed three primary measures: television viewing habits, sexual attitudes, and responses to sexual scenarios. Half of the participants completed the measures after waiting in a room while viewing sexually explicit music videos, and half waited with no TV present. Those exposed to sexually explicit videos before responding to the sexual scenarios rated these scenarios as less sexual than those not exposed to the videos. In other words, being exposed to sexually explicit content had a priming effect.

Daytime and nighttime television can also act in a similar way. Soap operas tend to have more sexual content than prime time programs, but they portray the types of intimacies differently. They tend to show more intimate moments, whereas prime time programs generally imply the sexual content, like threesomes.

For example, in the episode “Third Wheel” on How I Met Your Mother, Ted Mosby calls on his womanizing friend Barney Stinson to explain that he is about to “go for the (threesome) belt” after two women insinuate their plans for a threesome, or as Ted says, “tricycle”. The women attempt to escalate things when Ted comes down with a case of nerves, and tries to end things abruptly. He enters his bedroom where Barney is, and gets sympathy from him. Barney explains Ted’s problem is not uncommon, and it’s what ended his “tricycle” efforts last year.

The episode ends as Ted gets a second chance after Barney “coaches” him how to start. By the time he leaves the bedroom, the girls appear to be gone, until he hears giggling coming from the other room. Ted peers in and enters with a smile on his face. It’s left ambiguous whether or not he had a threesome.

On the show, the prospect of a threesome was portrayed as the Holy Grail every man should strive to conquer. “The belt” was seen as a reward for a man achieving a ménage à trois with two women.

“A man desiring a threesome is almost expected,” Noni Ayana, a sexuality educator at Exploring Relationships, Intimacy, and Sexuality (E.R.I.S.) told Medical Daily.

She believes society encourages men to explore their sexuality; of course within socially accepted boundaries.

“The Golden Rule”: Two Men, One Woman

One of three straight men’s sexual fantasies is having multiple partners, specifically the male, female, female (MFF) grouping. A hetereosexual man feels less sexually fluid to have a trio with another man and another women, because it’s commonly perceived as homosexual.

In 2011, Saturday Night Live (SNL) did a singing skit that delved into the experience of a threesome among two guys and one girl with celebrities Justin Timberlake, Andy Samburg, and Lady Gaga. The song “3-Way (The Golden Rule)” emphasized if two men are in a threesome, “it’s not gay.”

According to Urban Dictionary,

“When engaging in a threesome that involves two guys and one girl, the golden rule states that it’s not gay.”

Typically, when men fantasize about threesomes, they think about the MFF dynamic because it’s viewed as sexual behavior that aligns with traditional masculinity.

Moreover, Ayana expressed that heteronormative men are less likely to participate in a threesome that involves two men and one women since the idea may be perceived as homosexual ideation, or sexual behavior.

Straight men would need to overcome their discomfort with other naked men and strains of disgust in our culture that remain over homosexuality.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Have an Open Relationship Without Annoying the Shit Out of Everyone

By April Adam

non-monogamy

So you decided to open your relationship. Congratulations! Monogamy certainly seems tough, and since puberty, I have thought it profoundly wasteful to set up a game of chicken between commitment and the id. But I warn you: You may begin to find network television toothless, as so many plots lazily circle around infidelity, the threat of infidelity, or humor based in tension surrounding infidelity.

Also, you fantastic free-thinker, a poly lifestyle isn’t all Caligula all the time. The bacchanalian vibe you imagine may not come to pass, and you run some serious risks. I’m not talking about existential dangers to your coupledom, but a more mundane concern: namely that people in fresh open relationships can be annoying as shit.

I know what I’m talking about, because in my personal life I’m a target for a lot of open couples: I’m relatively promiscuous and think dating as a triad is cute and kinda hot. While I’m not saying there’s a right way to approach non-monogamy, there are definitely a few wrong ways. As someone who answered searchable poly questions on OkCupid honestly, those wrong ways frequently get aimed right at my face.

So before you screenshot Sex at Dawn for your joint OkCupid profile, allow me to provide you some tips for having an open relationship in the real world.

Getting laid still takes work

This goes out, I’m sorry to say, more to men than women. As I mentioned before, I answered a few questions on OkCupid truthfully: Yes, I would date someone in an open relationship. I would! That’s true. But now half the salvos I get on that dating site go something like this: “Hey April-I’m in an open marriage, and I love my wife. You’ve got a great ass! I’d like for us to become fuck buddies. Write back quickly.”

Ask yourself: Did you have to have game when you were single? Your wedding ring isn’t Spanish fly, and the fact that some woman likes you enough to share a bathroom doesn’t make you Justin Trudeau’s younger brother. Be polite, at a bare minimum.

Not everyone wants to hear about your sex life

The universe of people interested in the mechanics of your open relationship is almost certainly the exact same one that heard details of your pre-poly sex life. Your close pals, married wing-woman, that college roommate you ask about butt stuff—it’s wonderful to have a large pool of candid friends. But if someone isn’t in that circle, he or she doesn’t need to hear about “my wife’s lover.” You don’t need to bring up The Ethical Slut at Thanksgiving to your 75-year-old aunt. Your co-worker in the next cubicle isn’t being close-minded if they don’t want to hear about your foursome—he didn’t want to visualize you naked last year, and he still doesn’t. You don’t need to keep your new relationship status a secret; allude to it a few times, perhaps, and people who are interested will ask about it.

In most circumstances, a cold open request to fuck you and your partner is rude

It’s the same as asking complete strangers to pee on you, i.e. asking them to complete a fantasy of yours without first ascertaining whether they’re into it. That might fly at a sex party, but even if you’re on a dating site, a proposition requires preamble. Leading with an unsolicited sexual appeal is trolling. It doesn’t matter if you used the words “please” and “thank you.” This is still true if you’re a woman. Ladies, if I don’t know you, don’t assume that I’m interested in “slow sensuality,” or that I want to see your husband’s dick because “we’re sisters.” (We aren’t, and if we were that would be even weirder.) If you have a two-person profile, say hi and mention something we have in common, same as if you were single. I’ll get the idea, and if I’m interested, I’ll write back.

Baggage is still unattractive, even if it’s a couple’s set

Asking single people to date you singly, but describing yourself mostly in relation to your partner and how committed you are and how you’re in process with this whole non-monogamy thing isn’t going to turn people on or make them think they’d have a good time with you. The only thing less likely to get my panties in a twist than asking me for sex in your first five words is making it clear that you are a big ball of defensive, confused feelings, and you need free therapy that comes with head.

I understand that going from a lifetime of clear rules that can be spelled out with country songs to a new world of ambiguity is a big deal. My life is full of my big deals, too. Wait ’til the second date to wax large with the big deals, and try to understand that they aren’t my problem.

Low-stakes auxiliary sex Is probably easier with other non-monogamous people

When I tweak my dating profile to indicate “partnered but available,” the deluge of “third” emails slows to a trickle. The implications of this are nasty—it means that men (and couples) are looking for some kind of fantasy fulfillment robot with no life of her own, a convenient threesome partner and nothing more. That’s a lousy deal, especially for a single person looking for an emotional connection, not a role in a harem. This seems like a no-brainer, but I guess it needs to be said: If most of your emotional needs are covered by your primary partner, and all you really want is sexual variety and friendship, you might want to look for someone who is in a committed relationship of his or her own.

Non-monogamy isn’t the only way, and you don’t get to tell everyone else they’re doing it wrong

There are myriad reasons why people might prefer monogamy, including religion, ease of navigating the world, or because it just feels right. Respect that, even if you choose differently. You know how you complain all the time about monogamous bores telling you you’re going to hell/divorce court? They don’t need your advice, either.

Complete Article HERE!

10 Topics Gay Guys Never Discuss With Their Parents

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When you’re gay, it’s hard to talk to your parents about certain things. No matter how accepting or open-minded they may be, gay relationships, gay culture, and the mechanics of gay sex will stay a mystery to them — unless, of course, one of your parents is gay — or both.

Anyone who has been out of the closet for any amount of time knows that “gay” is more than a label to define your sexuality. It is a core part of your identity, and words like “queer,” “bi,” and “LGBTQ” constitute a significant part of your life — your people, your language, and your interests, both politically and socially. These words define a culture that our straight parents will never fully know. They may watch softened depictions of it on Modern Family, but they have never sung drunk karaoke at your favorite gay watering hole or queened out to Britney. They’ve never danced in a sea of sweaty men till 6 a.m. and they have no idea what Nasty Pig is.

Much of our culture can be hard to explain. Poppers and anal plugs will probably never warrant a conversation with mom, but other conversations — about PrEP and nonmonogamy, for example — can lead to greater understandings. Here’s a list of all those things gay men don’t talk about with their parents, with a small smattering of advice on how to do so!

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1. Douching

The thought of you having sex with another man crossed your parents’ minds from the moment they found out you were gay. Though they would never admit it, they still wonder about it from time to time. The image flashes when they’re trying to go to sleep, when they’re taking the dog out for a walk. Like many straight people, they may be clueless as to how it all works and may mistakenly believe it to be a very messy business. But douching — the process of cleaning out the anal cavity before sex — is one of those off-limits topics, one I would never bring with to them.

One way to hint at it without having to say anything is to have your parents over to your place for a night where there is, regrettably, only one shower. You must conveniently forget to unscrew the metal douching hose from its attachment at the side of your shower head. I’m not saying you should picture your mother naked, but envision her standing in your shower, looking through your assortment of overpriced sugar scrubs, charcoal-infused body bars, and organic, woodsy-smelling shampoos, and frowning over that dangling hose with the phallic-shaped metal attachment at the end. Then, hopefully, it will click, and she’ll deduce that your sex is not quite as messy as she thought.

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2. Poppers

When I’m talking to guys on Scruff whose profiles read “No PnP,” I usually ask, “Do you use poppers?” Most frequently, the answer is, “Sure. Love poppers.”

Poppers, while still a drug, are so mild that many gay men do not consider them in the same “sex drug” category that Tina (crystal meth) and G fall into. They’ve become staples of gay sex, gay culture, and gay history. We’ve been using them since the ’70s for their particular power of relaxing the anal sphincter for a few minutes, just long enough to get sex revved up. But if you try to explain the process of inhaling alkyl nitrites — video head cleaner — to your parents, they will likely conjure the imagine of junkies snorting glue in the school supplies aisle.

As with many items on this list, you could make the reasonable argument that poppers — like most facets of gay sex — never need to be brought up to your parents, since your sex life is not any of their business. But if they ever wonder why you have a few small amber bottles of some chemical that smells like nail polish in the freezer, poppers may inadvertently become a discussion topic in the kitchen.

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3. Fisting

Even if you don’t do it, you know someone who does. Fisting has long lost its shock value in gay circles, and has crossed over from dark sex dungeons into the arena of mainstream gay life. Many guys who aren’t regularly seen in leather harnesses now enjoy fisting. But imagine explaining to Dad how some guys take hands (and more) up the anus — especially when the idea of taking an erect penis up there is already outside the realm of his imagination. Many people, gay and straight, do not believe — or have not accepted — that fisting, when done safely and correctly, does not create long-term damage and can be an incredibly passionate and enjoyable sexual experience.

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4. Drag

Even though words like “slay” and “werq” have broken into the straight lexicon — primarily thanks to RuPaul’s Drag Race — the art and culture of drag is still a queer creation and belongs to us. Straight people are welcome to enjoy drag shows at their local gay bar, so long as they tip, but theirs is not a history of disenfranchisement and oppression, abuse and homelessness, poverty and sex work — a queer history in which drag emerged as an act of self-empowerment.

Drag can be hard to explain to your parents. It was hard to explain to mine. My parents assumed that all gay men dress up in women’s clothes and sing diva power ballads, so the concept of drag was indistinguishable from the rest of gay life to them. They could not appreciate drag’s cultural importance because it’s not their culture, and they did not understand its complicated history with the transgender movement because they do not understand, and refuse to understand, the concept of transgender identity.

To them, as well as to many others, drag artists and trans people are the same thing — a deeply incorrect assumption that has led to something of a modern cultural rift between trans activists and the drag world. The two camps have an overlapped history, since many trans folks first discovered their true identities through drag. In the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s, when the concept of “transgender” was not as developed as it is today, many transgender people could only express themselves through drag art. As our cultural understandings both of drag and transgender identity have evolved, the two have split, and the burden has fallen on many transgender folks and trans activists to highlight and explain the significant difference between the two. Many people, my parents included, consider a trans woman to be “a man in a dress” — essentially a drag performer — and the phrase has become a terribly offensive slur against transgender women.

Take your parents to a drag show. Give them bills to tip the queens. (This assumes that your parents, unlike mine, are wiling to set foot in a gay bar.) Let them see drag in all its ferocity and kitschy wonder, then afterward, walking home, highlight the fact that what they saw was performance art, a toss-up between cabaret and camp. Explain to them that even if a transgender person does drag, the drag is the performance, but their trans identity is not. Regardless of what someone does onstage, transgender identity is a person’s authentic identity. “While drag is done for an audience, coming out as transgender is done solely for oneself,” a trans friend once told me. “And it is just as healthy and important to do as any coming-out, any form of self-acceptance that your mental health depends on.”

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5. Bears, Otters, and Pups, Oh My!

The labels will be the bane and the delight of your gay life. Gay men have long established the bizarre practice of defining and stereotyping ourselves into labels based on body type and sex practices. In the gay lexicon, burly, hairy men over a certain age are “bears.” Young bears are “cubs.” Skinnier, scruffier guys are “otters.” Young, lean, hairless guys are “twinks.” Guys into puppy play (a kink scene that was listed on my list of 30 kinky terms every gay man should know) who enjoy the “pup” role are “pups,” both in and out of the scene. Guys who prefer condomless sex are “pigs.” Tall, skinny gay guys are “giraffes” (a lesser-known label).

How did we come up with these? Regardless of where they came from, and in spite of their much-debated value, the labels are likely here to stay. While they are common parts of our speak, your parents would probably be confused to learn that you think bears are sexy or that your boyfriend is a puppy.

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6. Nonmonogamy

Nonmonogamy works out for gay men. In fact, this writer believes that nonmonogamous pairings, open and semi-open relationships, and relationships with relaxed sexual parameters are ideal for us — much more so than the monogamous alternative. The concept of nonmonogamy may seem foreign to our parents. Having a frank conversation about the parameters of your particular gay relationship with your parents may be awkward, but it can lead to something good. Explaining the distinction between sex and love may not leave everyone in agreement, especially if your parents are religious, conservative, or both. But at the very least, it will be an illuminating window into your life.

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7. HIV

Gay men are still disproportionately affected by HIV compared to our straight counterparts. While no one needs to come out as HIV-positive, least of all to their parents, many poz gay men choose to do so at some point, for various reasons. Coming out to my parents about my status was hard; I did it the same morning an op-ed I wrote about coming out as poz was published in The Advocate last December.

Many of our parents remember the early days of the AIDS epidemic, so the news can be hard for them. They may mistakenly believe that the outlook for an HIV-positive person in 2016 is the same as it was 30 years ago. Most well-informed gay men, particularly those who live in urban areas, are up to speed on modern HIV care and know that with antiretroviral treatment, HIV has become a livable chronic illness that is more preventable today than ever before. Our parents aren’t accustomed to seeing testing trucks outside of gay clubs or HIV pamphlets disseminated in chic gayborhoods, so they will probably need some information to alleviate the initial fear. Give them resources and time.

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8. PrEP

There may never be a need to talk about your once-daily Truvada pill to your parents, but if they see the medicine bottle by the sink one day when the family is sharing a beach condo, you need to have answers ready.

PrEP is the once-a-day pill regimen for HIV-negative people that has proven extremely effective at preventing HIV transmission. Statistically, it’s more reliable than regular condom use. Upon initial explanation, your parents will likely respond the way many have responded to PrEP and see it as an excuse to have raucous unprotected sex. Even if you are having raucous condomless sex, you will have to explain to them that you are still protected from HIV.

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9. Top/Bottom

Just as your parents have been envisioning your sex from the moment they first learned you were gay, they have been wondering “what you do.” When/if they meet your boyfriend, they will wonder “what he does.” They won’t say it aloud, but they wonder, late at night, after the dinner dishes have been put away, whether you’re the top or the bottom. (I always find it remarkable how straight people assume every gay man is one or the other — versatile guys don’t exist in straight visions of gay sex.)

Like douching, this is one I will never talk about to my parents, no matter how chummy we get.

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10. Kink

My parents know I am gay. They know I am having sex. They know I date and have sex with other men. But they do not know and will not be told how much I love having used underwear stuffed in my mouth and my wrists tied together with duct tape. The only time I ever came close to explaining my kink practices was at the beach a few years ago when I realized there were still red caning lines on my butt and legs. I lay in the tanning bed to darken the skin around the marks and opted for a pair of baggier, less flattering board shorts.

While kink is not restricted to gay men, we have certainly been longtime practitioners of the rougher arts. Like drag, leather was originally our thing and has by and large remained so. Kink and fetish play are things that gay men of all stripes can at least be familiar with, and have probably dabbled in at one time or another. But it is one area of gay life that our parents may have a hard time distinguishing from rape and abuse, perversion and degeneracy. Explaining it can be tough.

Its accouterments can be hard to hide — all those ass toys and leather gear require storage, and that sling in the bedroom cannot reasonably be disguised as a place to hang laundry. Have a regimen prepared for surprise visits and dinners, and if you enjoy getting backlashes or caning down your legs, try not to do so before a family beach trip.

Complete Article HERE!

Twozies beats onezies, but nothing beats threes!

Name: Rebecca
Gender: Female
Age: 24
Location: Cincinnati
Last year I had a sexual relationship with a guy I met through work. We kept it light and had some fun. He has since relocated to another city, but we keep in touch and hook up whenever he’s in town. The last time he was here he asked if I would ever consider a threesome with him and one of his male friends. I told him I might consider it if I knew the other guy. As it turns out, the other guy and I went to the same college. I know, small world, huh? The idea of having a 3-way with these two guys is totally hot; I’m attracted to both of them. Even though this would be a first for me, I would like to give it a try. I guess my question is what should I look for in this kind of situation?

What should you look for in this kind of situation? Why, look for double the fun, you little vixen you!Vintage Two Men One Woman

You sound like you’re a pretty savvy chick when it comes to sex, Rebecca. I suspect you’ve been around the block a time or two. Good for you! You also seem to know what you want and how to go about getting that, kudos to you on that.

Trying new things can be really fun especially when your playing with people you like and are turned on to. I’d suggest you keep the event light and breezy. Too many people try to script a 3-way to within an inch of its life. And that can fuck up the whole damn thing. At the same time, just hooking up for quick shag can be a little too impersonal when it comes to 3-ways.

Luckily, there’s another way. I suggest the three of you start your encounter by getting a bite to eat together. A little food and a few cocktails can be a great start to the adventure. No doubt all three of you will be a little nervous, so make this part of the outing light, sexy and flirtatious. Practice your seduction skills on each of the guys. You will soon discover the sexual hierarchy…and there always is one in these kinds of encounters.

one-woman-two-men-3If there are to be any ground rules for this sexcapade, this is the time to mention them. The more you discover about the guys in this non-sexual environment the more prepared you will be for how the rest of the evening will play itself out. If I were you, I’d want to get a sense of how experienced the two guys are at having a 3-way. Do you happen to know if the guys are bisexual? If they are, you can be assured that the 3-way dynamic will be fundamentally different than if they guys are not bi and only want to shower their hot monkey-love on you. Maybe you could ask about their sexual fantasies and share some of your own. Just remember, you are an equal partner in this ménage. I’d make sure that the fellas knew what turned you on. Fortunately, you have the advantage of having already played with the one guys, so that should make things easier.one-woman-two-men

I hope you write back and let me know how the encounter went. My interest, of course, is purely scientific, don’t ‘cha know. But I will want all the gory details. And a detailed photo essay would also be deeply appreciated. 😉

Good luck

REVIEW: My Life on the Swingset

Hey sex fans!

Have I got some marvelous news for you! My friend and colleague, Cooper S. Beckett, has written a new book.  It impressed me no end so I thought, rather than keep this all to myself, I’d share it with you.

Ya’ll remember Cooper, right? OK, maybe ya don’t; it’s been a long time since he was last seen skulking around my site. Way back in March of 2011 I had the pleasure of welcoming Cooper and his ever so lovely sidekick, Ginger, to my Sex EDGE-U-cation show for a two-part interview. You can find both parts in the Podcast Archive HERE and HERE!

Cooper and Ginger are the hosts of the Life On The Swingset podcasts, where they discuss a wide range of topics, with a focus on consensual non-monogamy. swingset

Cooper’s new book: My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory, is a collection of essays on…wait for it…his personal journey through ethical non-monogamy. This is what he says about it in the Introduction:

You should read this book because it represents my journey. From starry-eyed newbie swinger, through my dealing with jealousy and conflict, through the triumphs of orgies and play parties, through the devastation of breaking up, through exploring polyamory, through divorce, through major life changes, through depression, through success and failure, through the rise and fall of new relationships.

Triumphs of orgies?? How you do go on, sir!

It’s no secret that Cooper is unabashedly biased when it comes to swinging, polyamory, as well as other forms of ethical non-monogamy. And why shouldn’t he be? As he plainly states he has grown in his appreciation of himself and his sexuality in the process. Now, how many of us can make a similar claim? However, in his enthusiasm, he doesn’t gloss over the difficulties. He speaks honestly and earnestly about this particular way to live one’s life. He describes the opportunities that allow for growth in terms of understanding one’s sexuality and one’s loving relationships through experimentation and self-reflection.

To my mind, there is nothing more compelling than a “coming out” story. It’s one thing to quietly self-identify as a fellow big-fat-pervert, as I am apt to say on my podcasts, it’s quite another to tell the whole world. I am pleased to welcome Cooper to the Out-There-Come-What-May club.  It’s good to have you here, my friend.

One of my favorite chapters in the book is titled: Bi The Way – Male Bisexuality and Swinging. Cooper, Ginger, and I talked about this very thing, at length, in our podcast together. So it was delightful to find him exploring this concept in print as well.

There is a huge double standard in the swinging lifestyle when it comes to acceptance of bisexual males. We all know this, it’s endemic. As swingers we seem perfectly happy that our women are bisexual. We encourage and expect them to be so often. Some more than others, but by and large, definitely bisexual. Now don’t jump down my throat here, I’m well aware that straight swinging females exist, and probably in a decent sized number, but wouldn’t we all agree that the VAST majority of females in the lifestyle are bi? This fact isn’t really shocking, as even the mainstream vanilla world has embraced girl-on-girl dalliance action in the past ten to fifteen years. So when a lifestyle such as swinging presents itself as an option, affording them the opportunity to play with girls, well, there ya go, that’s where the bi girl inside comes out. Many of the swing couples I’ve met said that this was one of the prominent reasons they got into this lifestyle in the first place. So Mrs. could play with another woman. You raise the call for bisexual males, however, and tumbleweeds blow by. Invisible because it’s been made very clear in club and party rules and pricing that a man who wants to play with another man is an unwelcome addition to the scene. This doesn’t make sense.

See why I like Cooper so much?

Another thing I liked a lot about the book, and I think every reader will echo my feelings about this, is Cooper’s thoughtful addition of a glossary of pertinent lingo. If you don’t know the difference between a Full Swap and a Soft Swap or don’t know PIV and PIA from a hole in your head (someone’s gonna appreciate that pun, don’t cha know), not to worry because Cooper takes great pains to spell it out for you.

On a personal note, I want to say a special thanks to Cooper for his chapter titled: Podcasting Can be Lonely. I thought I was the only person who thought this way.

Podcasting can be a lonely pursuit at times. You predominantly interact with people that don’t have physicality in your world. They’re avatars, they’re ones and zeros. They exist for real somewhere, of course. (Most of them, there are the bots after all.) But few exist beyond text on a screen. Writing for a website is the same way. It’s a lot of work, and a tremendous output of self. We sex bloggers reveal so much to so many people (at least we hope for “so many”) and can often get to wondering if we’re just shouting into the void.

Funny, erotic, thought provoking, authentic, and true. My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory raises the bar for all of us who are trying to live honest ethical non-monogamy and talk with others about our experiences. Cooper Beckett, you are an inspiration!

My Life on the Swingset is available exclusively as an Amazon Kindle e-book. A print edition will follow later this month. And be sure to look for the audiobook release in the spring. Check it out, sex fans; you’ll be so glad you did.