Category Archives: 3-way

REVIEW: My Life on the Swingset

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Hey sex fans!

Have I got some marvelous news for you! My friend and colleague, Cooper S. Beckett, has written a new book.  It impressed me no end so I thought, rather than keep this all to myself, I’d share it with you.

Ya’ll remember Cooper, right? OK, maybe ya don’t; it’s been a long time since he was last seen skulking around my site. Way back in March of 2011 I had the pleasure of welcoming Cooper and his ever so lovely sidekick, Ginger, to my Sex EDGE-U-cation show for a two-part interview. You can find both parts in the Podcast Archive HERE and HERE!

Cooper and Ginger are the hosts of the Life On The Swingset podcasts, where they discuss a wide range of topics, with a focus on consensual non-monogamy. swingset

Cooper’s new book: My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory, is a collection of essays on…wait for it…his personal journey through ethical non-monogamy. This is what he says about it in the Introduction:

You should read this book because it represents my journey. From starry-eyed newbie swinger, through my dealing with jealousy and conflict, through the triumphs of orgies and play parties, through the devastation of breaking up, through exploring polyamory, through divorce, through major life changes, through depression, through success and failure, through the rise and fall of new relationships.

Triumphs of orgies?? How you do go on, sir!

It’s no secret that Cooper is unabashedly biased when it comes to swinging, polyamory, as well as other forms of ethical non-monogamy. And why shouldn’t he be? As he plainly states he has grown in his appreciation of himself and his sexuality in the process. Now, how many of us can make a similar claim? However, in his enthusiasm, he doesn’t gloss over the difficulties. He speaks honestly and earnestly about this particular way to live one’s life. He describes the opportunities that allow for growth in terms of understanding one’s sexuality and one’s loving relationships through experimentation and self-reflection.

To my mind, there is nothing more compelling than a “coming out” story. It’s one thing to quietly self-identify as a fellow big-fat-pervert, as I am apt to say on my podcasts, it’s quite another to tell the whole world. I am pleased to welcome Cooper to the Out-There-Come-What-May club.  It’s good to have you here, my friend.

One of my favorite chapters in the book is titled: Bi The Way – Male Bisexuality and Swinging. Cooper, Ginger, and I talked about this very thing, at length, in our podcast together. So it was delightful to find him exploring this concept in print as well.

There is a huge double standard in the swinging lifestyle when it comes to acceptance of bisexual males. We all know this, it’s endemic. As swingers we seem perfectly happy that our women are bisexual. We encourage and expect them to be so often. Some more than others, but by and large, definitely bisexual. Now don’t jump down my throat here, I’m well aware that straight swinging females exist, and probably in a decent sized number, but wouldn’t we all agree that the VAST majority of females in the lifestyle are bi? This fact isn’t really shocking, as even the mainstream vanilla world has embraced girl-on-girl dalliance action in the past ten to fifteen years. So when a lifestyle such as swinging presents itself as an option, affording them the opportunity to play with girls, well, there ya go, that’s where the bi girl inside comes out. Many of the swing couples I’ve met said that this was one of the prominent reasons they got into this lifestyle in the first place. So Mrs. could play with another woman. You raise the call for bisexual males, however, and tumbleweeds blow by. Invisible because it’s been made very clear in club and party rules and pricing that a man who wants to play with another man is an unwelcome addition to the scene. This doesn’t make sense.

See why I like Cooper so much?

Another thing I liked a lot about the book, and I think every reader will echo my feelings about this, is Cooper’s thoughtful addition of a glossary of pertinent lingo. If you don’t know the difference between a Full Swap and a Soft Swap or don’t know PIV and PIA from a hole in your head (someone’s gonna appreciate that pun, don’t cha know), not to worry because Cooper takes great pains to spell it out for you.

On a personal note, I want to say a special thanks to Cooper for his chapter titled: Podcasting Can be Lonely. I thought I was the only person who thought this way.

Podcasting can be a lonely pursuit at times. You predominantly interact with people that don’t have physicality in your world. They’re avatars, they’re ones and zeros. They exist for real somewhere, of course. (Most of them, there are the bots after all.) But few exist beyond text on a screen. Writing for a website is the same way. It’s a lot of work, and a tremendous output of self. We sex bloggers reveal so much to so many people (at least we hope for “so many”) and can often get to wondering if we’re just shouting into the void.

Funny, erotic, thought provoking, authentic, and true. My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory raises the bar for all of us who are trying to live honest ethical non-monogamy and talk with others about our experiences. Cooper Beckett, you are an inspiration!

My Life on the Swingset is available exclusively as an Amazon Kindle e-book. A print edition will follow later this month. And be sure to look for the audiobook release in the spring. Check it out, sex fans; you’ll be so glad you did.

Nothing beats threes

David
My wife and I have wanted to add a third person to our relationship. Would you have any advice for us on how we could do this? Is this something that you could assist us with? We are in our mid forties and wanting to do this with someone we can trust.
Please help.

Hey David, try using the search feature in the header. Type in 3-way and/or swinger. You’ll find a wealth of information (both written and audio) on the topic you raise.

Here’s a taste of what you will find:3way-78516707835_xlarge

Trying new things can be really fun especially when your playing with people you like and are turned on by. I’d suggest you keep the event light and breezy. Too many people try to script a 3-way to within an inch of its life, and that can ruin the whole damn thing. At the same time, just hooking up for quick shag can be a little too impersonal.

There is another way. I suggest that you, your wife and the potential partner start your encounter by getting a bite to eat together. A little food and a couple cocktails can be a great start to the adventure. No doubt all three of you will be a little nervous, so make this part of the outing sexy and flirtatious. Each of you could practice your seduction skills on each other. In doing so, you will soon discover the sexual hierarchy…and there always is one in these kinds of encounters. If there are any ground rules for the encounter, this is the time to mention them. You and your wife should have discussed this ahead of time. The more you discover about your potential partner in this non-sexual, but seductive environment the more prepared ya’ll will be for how the rest of the evening will play itself out.

If it were I, I’d want to get a sense of how experienced the other person is at having a 3-way. Other important questions; are either you or your wife bisexual? Is the person you are inviting to join you bisexual? If the answer to either of these questions is yes, you can be assured that the dynamic of the 3-way will be fundamentally different than if none or only one of you is bi.

Be sure to inquire about the sexual fantasies of your prospective partner and share some of your own. In most situations, all the partners in a ménage are equal. Make sure that your potential play partner knows what turns each of you on. You’d be wise to know in advance what turns him/her on as well. That will make the event go a whole lot smoother.

There are some fine videos in my How To Video Library on the topic. Look for the Video Library tab in the header, then search for 3-way or swinger.

Here’s another tip: I’ve done several podcasts with seasoned swingers. All these conversations are part of the Sex EDGE-U-cation show, don’t cha know. This series of interviews takes a look at the world of fetish sex, kink and alternative lifestyles. We touch on topics both familiar and exotic. And I chat with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world. Here’s a fine example: The founder of Life On The Swingset, Cooper Beckett and his ever so lovely podcast co-host, Ginger. All these conversations about consensual non-monogamy are fun and informative. Don’t miss miss them!

Good luck

SEX WISDOM With Katherine Frank — Podcast #386 — 08/14/13


Hello sex fans! Welcome back.Katherine Frank01

I’m delighted to continue the SEX WISDOM series today. After the last two weeks of chat with an up and coming therapist who is just beginning her sexological career, I am proud to welcome a woman of distinction in our field. My guest today is cultural anthropologist, sex researcher and noted author, Katherine Frank.

Katherine has distinguished herself as one who can tackle some of the thorniest issues of human sexual behavior with objectivity and compassion. Her three books as well as her numerous academic papers and popular articles provide us with an intelligent and intimate view of the sexual fringe. And she’s here today to tell us about her research and why she chooses to study what she does.

Katherine and I discuss:

  • Cultural anthropology and sex research;
  • Meanings and taboos;
  • Sex and the boundaries of our bodies;
  • Dispassionate observations and objectivity;
  • Participatory research;
  • Critical thinking, human nature and generalizations;
  • Fears, desires, and wounds;
  • Sex research and its repercussions;
  • Plays Well in Groups: A Journey Through the World of Group Sex;
  • Breaking the rules;
  • The myths associated with group sex.

Katherine invites you to visit her on her site HERE!

Click on the book covers below for more information about Katherine’s books.

g-String     plays well

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg

First Q&A Show of 2013 — Podcast #360 — 01/21/13


Hey sex fans,black tie

Alrighty then! It’s time for our first Q&A show for the New Year. I have a whole bunch of very interesting correspondents vying for their moment in the sunshine, so to speak. Each one is ready to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining.

  • John is horny as hell and wants to jack off with other guys. I turn him on to Bateworld.
  • Rocky is gettin’ pounded pretty hard, afterward he can’t pee.
  • Holly hasn’t had a date in 48 years. She’s having problems connecting with a good man.
  • Brian is lookin’ to zap his hole.
  • Conner thinks his BF is jerkin off too much.
  • Michael has crystal dick.
  • Lili describes, in great detail, her sex life with her hubby.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: The Perfect Fit Brand!

A Word To The Wise

Name: DJ
Gender: Male
Age: 39
Location: Northern Minnesota
I’ve been in a gay relationship for almost 12 years now. My partner and I are very happy and I’ve been thinking about adding a new addition to our relationship just to spice things up a little bit. We were looking through the gay personals online and we found this guy who happens to be a patient of mine. He’s just our type. He’s a handsome, well built bear in his early 40’s. We’re considering contacting him, but we’re not sure if that would be crossing a line. So if you could give us some advice that would be great. Thanks.

Ahhh let’s see, the short answer is; yes, you would be crossing a line. Offering your patient a tryst, with you and your hubby would indeed be way on the other side of that line. Ya know the old adage, “Don’t shit where you eat?” Well, this is exactly like that, only completely different.

While I’m happy to support you and your man as you work toward opening your relationship by adding a playmate or two, the current object of your desires is, to my mind, inappropriate. I think it’s always ill advised for professional people in general, and healing and helping professionals in particular, to get involved (romantically or otherwise) with their clients or patients. There’s always the possibility of a conflict of interest, but more importantly, there’s the issue of propriety.

That’s not to say that this sort of thing doesn’t happen all the time. It does. But I think there are significant potential problems for you, the professional, as well as this other guy, your patient.

When I’m faced with a similar dilemma in my own life, I sit myself down with pen and paper and write out all the pros and cons of a hook-up, even a casual one, with someone I have a professional relationship with. Regardless of whether I know the guy through my therapy practice or by way of my production company; it’s all the same for me. These are lines I should not cross. But sometimes I need to remind myself of that.

So with my pad and pen at the ready I quickly jot down the “pros” of the hook-up. These are always so easy to enumerate. He’s hot, he’s charming, he’s fun to be around, he’s got a great personality and a wonderful sense of humor and he’s single. Hell, he may even be hot for me…although that’s less likely these days, now that I’m an old fuck. But hey, it could happen! So if I only consider the “pros” this appears to be a match made in heaven. What could possible go wrong with this idyllic picture? WAIT!

That’s where the “cons” come in handy. They are the bane of my existence, but they also keep me out of harms way. If I’m struggling to come up with a list of “cons”, I simply conjure up, in my fevered little mind, the worst relationship I’ve ever had. Frankly, this isn’t a particularly difficult thing to do, because I’ve had some duesies in my time, don’t cha know. The reason I let my mind dredge up the sordid past like this is so that I can remember how bad things can get when a sex connection goes south. I do this to create a worst-case hook-up scenario so that I can imagine what it would be like if the guy in question was not just an unfortunate choice on my part, but he was also a client or porn pup on the rise.

With just this little mental prompting my “cons” category begins to grow and grow. This exercise pretty much puts the kybosh on my ardor and I happily forgo the pleasure of the company of the man in question. Is it possible that I’m overreacting, that the hook-up could have turned out to be a sheer delight? Absolutely! But, being the kind of guy I am, with the bum luck that I have, I’d just as soon not take the chance that it won’t. I have a reputation, checkered as it might be, to uphold. And screwing around with the wrong guy is bad enough; I don’t need the added complication of him thinking that I took advantage of him given my professional association with him.

I invite you to do the same sort of exercise yourself, DJ. First create a column of “pros.” Why does this forty-something, handsome, well-built bear patient of yours with the online profile make a great candidate for a playmate. I’ll bet that you and the hubby already have this all figured out. Now, create your “cons” column. Try to imagine all the awful things that could happen as a result of a sex connection that goes bad — ya know, the jealousy, the bitchyness, the backbiting, the rumors, stuff like that. And when you consider that he’s being invited to a manage-a-trois, well you can triple the risk factor. Like I said, the object here is to create the worst-case scenario. Screwing around with the wrong guy is bad enough; you certainly don’t need to add the complication of him thinking you took advantage of him given your professional association with him. If things go bad and he brings this little encounter to the attention of the medical board, you’d be in a heap of trouble.

Of course there is always the option of terminating your doctor/patient relationship before the fuck. In this case I advise there be at least a two-month hiatus between the end of your professional relationship and the start up of the sexual relationship. However, if I was your patient, and you offered me this option, I’d choose to maintain the professional connection we have. I’d be flattered by your interest in me, but I’d know that it’s much harder to find a good doc than it is to find a sweet bone….even in northern Minnesota.

Good luck

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