Category Archives: Perv

If it’s not one thing, it’s another…

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Name: Malcolm
Gender: Male
Age: 40
Location: Johannesburg
I’m in love with this guy who is as sweet as the day is long. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a partner. What makes him so charming is he’s only recently come out as gay. Before this he was married. He is not jaded like so many other guys I meet. But there’s a problem. He’s real vanilla. I guess that’s the down side of coming out of a heterosexual marriage at the age of 35. He’s happy as a clam fucking me a couple times a week. He thinks anal sex is really adventurous and sexually daring. I on the other hand, am suffocating in the boredom. I know, now I sound really jaded, but I can’t help it. It’s just that there’s so much more to sex than what we are doing. I want to introduce him to some kinky shit, but I’m afraid that I will scare him off. What the fuck should I do?

I absolutely adore messages that start out: “I’m so in love. He/she is everything I ever wanted, blah, blah, blah!” Because I know that only a few words later the other shoe is gonna drop, and drop hard. “But there’s a problem, blah, blah, blah!”

Of course there’s a problem. There is always a problem…even with Mr. or Ms. Perfect, or maybe because your honey is so freakin perfect. Take it from me, sexual dissatisfaction will upset even the most tranquil and rosy apple cart and send everyone into a tizzy. Allow me to share with you something I wrote about this very issue about ten years ago. I think you will find the advice as fresh as the day it was written.

So you’ve met the person of your dreams only you haven’t got around to telling your new honey your dirty little secret. The sweet thing hasn’t a clue that you’re itchin’ for some big time bondage. Or that you’d sell your soul to be dominated like the scum that you are. Or you’re salivating over that dildo you have tucked away in the attic, the one that could be mistaken for a floor lamp. Or you’re craving to be spanked till your shameless ass glows in the dark. Or you want to hump his/her feet like a dog and gobble up his/her toe jam. Or you have this nasty little thing about spike heels, frilly knickers and jungle red lipstick.

Never fear, Dr. Dick has heard it all a million times before. Some sorry pervert’s got it bad for white bread. Dear Dr. Dick, Help! I’m in love with the sweetest guy/gal in the word, but our sex life is all vanilla all the time. I’m bored shitless! I know how to liven things up, you see I have this fetish (you fill in the blank) but I don’t know how to tell him/her about it and I’m afraid s/he’ll freak if s/he finds out. What’s a perv to do?

Introducing your partner to your personal world of kink is tricky; the whole little love match could blow up in your face. But a life of pretense and sexual boredom isn’t the way to go either. Why not just stand tall like the disgusting depraved creature you are and brazenly proclaim your fetish to little Mary Sunshine. After all, unless your boyfriend or gal-pal is as dumb as a post s/he’s already figured out that your mutual sex life limps. Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than corrupting an innocent. Who knows, s/he may have secrets of his/her own.

Here’s what I suggest. Casually direct the conversation to the amazing variety of human sexual expression. You could reassure your sweetie that just because some things are unfamiliar don’t make them bad. Tell him/her that you’ve been waiting for your relationship to mature so that you could share the intricacies of your desires with him/her. This can be one of those precious bonding moments that Oprah’s always talkin’ about. This might be a good time to view that special video you picked up in the kink section of the local porn emporium. Invite her/him to explore your fantasy with you. Tell the little flower that your love for him/her demands that you share the fullness of your sexuality with her/him. Then pick one turn-on for the two of you to experiment with — lingerie, toys, dominance and submission, role-playing, whatever.

Decide on a safe-word, an out of context word your partner could use if the experiment is heading in an uncomfortable direction. For example, if the dildo is too big or the lipstick is too red, s/he could say “pickles.” The safe-word, when uttered in the scenario, will let you know that you need to change direction or slow down without completely destroying the built up sexual energy.

If this initiation process doesn’t work Dr. Dick suggests that you cut your losses and dump the white bread. Go out and find yourself a kindred spirit, someone you won’t have to apologize to for being creative in your sex play.

Good luck

Guess What, Honey? I’m A Kinky Old Perv!

And now, by popular demand, a reprint of an old favorite.

So you’ve met the person of your dreams only you haven’t got around to telling your new honey your dirty little secret. The sweet thing hasn’t a clue that you’re itchin’ for some big-time bondage. Or that you’d sell your soul to be dominated like the lowly little bitch that you are. Or you’re salivating over that dildo you have tucked away in the attic—you know, the one that could be mistaken for a floor lamp. Or you’re craving to be spanked til your shameless ass glows in the dark. Or you want to hump his/her feet like a dog and gobble up his/her toejam. Or you have this nasty little thing about spike heels, frilly knickers and jungle red lipstick.

Never fear—Dr. Dick has heard it all a million times before. Some sorry pervert’s got it bad for white bread.

Dear Dr. Dick,
Help! I’m in love with the sweetest guy/gal in the word, but our sex life is all vanilla all the time. I’m bored shitless! I know how to liven things up, you see I have this fetish (you fill in the blank) but I don’t know how to tell him/her about it and I’m afraid s/he’ll freak if s/he finds out. What’s a perv to do?

Introducing your partner to your personal world of kink can be a little tricky; the whole love match could blow up in your face. But a life of pretense and sexual boredom isn’t the way to go, either. Why not just stand tall like the filthy pervert you are and brazenly proclaim your fetish to Little Miss Mary Sunshine? After all, unless your boyfriend or gal-pal is as dumb as a post s/he’s already figured out that your mutual sex life walks with a pronounced limp (or perhaps is suffering from a case of the gout). Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than corrupting an innocent. Who knows—s/he may have secrets of his/her own.

Case in point. Here’s part of an exchange I had with a young man from Omaha.

Dear Doc,
I’m 23, and I’ve been dating 30-year-old chick for nearly a year now. I come from a very conservative Christian upbringing and I love that she is more experienced than me. My girlfriend likes to tie me up. I’m a college gymnast so I have very defined muscles. They are a huge turn on for my girlfriend, which I guess explains why she likes to see me struggle against the rope. I get real turned on too when I’m tied up. Sometimes she teases my penis and testicles with a feather or a piece of leather, which drives me wild. I’m worried though, because I think this is gonna warp me somehow. Do you think this is perverted? Why is it so much fun?

Ahhh yeah, Jake, I do think it’s perverted. I think your girlfriend is a big fat pervert and I think you’re still just a teensy-weensy little pervert—but well on your way to Big Fat Perverthood (note: Big Fat Perverthood is not a clinical term; just something we toss around the office for fun), just like your girlfriend. And why is this bondage thing so much fun? It’s such a blast because it IS perverted, IS nasty and IS forbidden, silly! One can only guess what your fundamentalist Christian mom and dad would think about their star athlete son trussed up like a Thanksgiving turkey while a considerably older dominatrix punishes his family jewels. I fear this apple has fallen a great distance from the tree, right, Jake? I absolutely love it!

Okay, back to telling your partner about your kink. Here’s what I suggest. Casually direct the conversation to the amazing variety of human sexual expression. You could reassure your sweetie that just because some things are unfamiliar to her/him doesn’t make them bad. Tell him/her that you’ve been waiting for your relationship to mature so that you could share the intricacies of your desires with him/her. This can be one of those precious bonding moments that Oprah is always going on about.

This might be a good time to view that special video you picked up in the kink section of the local porn emporium. Invite her/him to explore your fantasy with you. Tell the little flower that your love for him/her demands that you share the fullness of your sexuality with her/him. Then pick one turn-on for the two of you to experiment with—lingerie, toys, dominance and submission, pee, role-playing—whatever your hearts desire.

Decide on a safe-word, an out-of-context word your partner can use if the experiment is heading in an uncomfortable direction. For example, if the dildo is too big or the lipstick is too red, s/he could say “pickles.” The safe-word, when uttered in the scenario, will let you know that you need to change direction or slow down without completely destroying the built-up sexual energy.

If this initiation process doesn’t work, Dr. Dick suggests that you cut your losses and dump the white bread. Go out and find yourself a kindred spirit, someone you won’t have to apologize to for being creative in your sex play. Because, as we all know, the key to fantastic sex is all about communicating – and if you can’t be honest about what you want, then it won’t be long until you’re looking around, wondering how the hell you got to a sex life full of furtive, 2 minute, missionary position encounters. And life is way too short for that crap.

And they’re off!

Hey sex fans,

It’s Product Review Friday once again and today we have two very delightful toys to tell you about. Because the two toys come from different retailers, I will be introducing each in turn.

First up is a fun new product for a couple to enjoy. It comes to us from our new friends at The Adult Toy Shoppe.

Dr Dick Review Crew member, Angie, does the honors.

Erotic Enhancer Bunny —— $21.99

Angie
I am so delighted to find a toy that both my husband and I can enjoy while we are enjoying one each other. I think that even though the is a plethora of vibrating toys on the market, few are actually designed to be enjoyed by a couple during intercourse. Dildos, particularly the ones that have the shape of a penis are wonderful for solo play, but they can get in the way, both literally and figuratively, when a couple plays together. This is the case with my husband. He, like most men, is put off by sex toys that have a realistic shape. I suppose I don’t blame him. I’m sure that if the shoe were on the other foot, so to speak, I wouldn’t welcome a sex toy that realistically looks like a woman’s parts in our play together.

At the same time, I need clitoral stimulation if I am going to be orgasmic. This is particularly true during intercourse. So the problem has always been, how do I get the clitoral stimulation I need during intercourse without the use of a traditional clunky, intrusive and noisy vibrator?

Allow me to introduce you to the Erotic Enhancer Bunny. It’s a bunny-shaped cockring that vibrates. How fun and creative!

The Erotic Enhancer Bunny is made of TPR (Thermoplastic Rubber). It’s a phthalate free material that is both soft and stretchy but also durable. I see nothing on the package that says it’s latex free, so those with a latex allergy should beware.

There is a multispeed bullet vibe in the head of the bunny that is powered by 3 mini batteries, you know the flat kind. The manufacturer thoughtfully included the first set in the package. Thank you very much! You adjust the speed and turn the vibe on and off by using the dial on the vibrator. The bullet is easily removed making the bunny-shaped cockring a breeze to clean. More about that in a moment.

I love the fact that the Erotic Enhancer Bunny is waterproof. And that it transforms my husband’s beautiful penis into a rabbit vibe. I couldn’t be happier.

The whole thing is pretty discreet. It measures 1.75 inches across and 3.25 inches tall. My husband says that the ring is mighty snug on him. He found it uncomfortable after 20 minutes. That was long enough for me, but he specifically asked me to tell you that the Erotic Enhancer Bunny is designed for use by a man with a small to medium endowment. Ok, I defer to him on this. I suppose that’s a problem with a one size fits all concept.
Full Review HERE!

Next we hear from Review Crew members, Mick & Chuck. They are going to introduce you to kinky little setup from the newest retailer to join our review family. Join with me in welcoming TheirToys.com a nice place to shop for Adult Toys.

Cockring and Leash Set —— $29.95

Mick & Chuck
Mick: “The Cockring and Leash Set came to us just in time for Halloween. And we put it to very good use.”
Chuck: “Yeah, but it’s not just a Halloween gimmick now, is it?”
Mick: “Right! You can use the Cockring and Leash Set Set any day of the year — Christmas, New Years Eve, Valentines Day, Arbor Day, the 4th of July, your pervy boyfriend’s birthday, whatever.”
Chuck: “Ok, I see you’ve decided to be a little wacky today.”
Mick: “The Cockring and Leash Set is such a fun and kinky setup; I think a little wacky is in order, don’t you?”
Chuck: “I guess you’re right. So let’s get on with telling our audience what the Cockring and Leash Set is, ok?”
Mick: “Sure! It’s pretty simple actually. There are two parts. First, there’s an adjustable black leather cockring, or strap, if you prefer. There is a D-ring on the strap to which you hook on the fine metal leash. The metal leash has a black leather loop grip.”
Chuck: “The Cockring and Leash Set is a KinkLab product, so you know it’s gonna be good.”
Mick: “Oh yeah! Listen, if you’re interested in buying a kinky product like this, even if you are new to kink; spare yourself the disappointment of buying any of the crap that is floating around out there. We’ve see more than our share of that shit here at the Review Crew. If you want quality, look for a quality brand, like KinkLab.”
Chuck: “Right on! So I was saying that we had a ball with this Cockring and Leash Set for Halloween, right? Well, here’s how it went down. We were invited to a totally tripped out party that we knew would surely turn into an orgy before the night was through.”
Mick: “And we were not disappointed. Chuck dared me to wear the cock strap under this flimsy rawhide loincloth, which was pretty much the totality of my costume.”
Full Review HERE!

ENJOY

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Voluptuous Lynn – Podcast #177 – 01/06/10

Hey sex fans,

We’re ready to rock and roll with a brand new year of podcasts in the Sex EDGE-U-cation series. As you know these programs take a look at the fascinating world of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles, fetish sex and kink.  We touch on topics both familiar and exotic.  And you can count on our investigations to be interesting, stimulating as well as very informative, because we chat with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates from all walks of life.

And to kick off this new year, I have something quite extraordinary for you.  Today, we feature the first woman of color to speak in this series. She is a sex worker.  She brings a refreshingly honest, unique and sassy voice to the ever-growing chorus of exceptional guests in this series. I am honored to welcome Voluptuous Lynn.

She describes herself as “An Ebony Cougar In Sin City,” but I think you will agree with me that she’s more akin to a tiger.  Her no nonsense approach to life, sexuality and sex work if truly refreshing, and she’s knock ‘em dead funny too. Oh, and you should know that today’s show is unusually long. Lynn and I got to shootin’ the shit and I completely lost track of time.

Lynn and I discuss:

  • Flying in the face of the culture’s notion of female beauty.
  • Leaving the vanilla world for sex work.
  • The life of this cam-girl and phone sex operator.
  • Being public about her work.
  • The impact of her sex work on her personal relationships.
  • Role playing with clients.
  • Advice for getting into sex work.
  • How she prepares herself, emotionally and physically for her job.

You can visit Lynn on her website HERE!

See a slideshow of Lynn at work and play.  Click on the thumbnails below.

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BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes.  You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by:  Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

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Sex EDGE-U-cation with Andrea Zanin – Podcast #172 – 12/02/09

Hey sex fans,

Back in early February of this year I launched this new series of podcast interviews called Sex EDGE-U-cation.  I promised back then that this series would take a look at the fascinating world of fetish sex and kink. We’d touch on topics both familiar and exotic.  I remember telling that I could guarantee that our investigation will be interesting, stimulating and very informative, because we would be chatting with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world.AndreaZanin

Well then, here we are ten months later and we’re still going strong.  My first guest in this series, Dart, introduced me to today’s guest way back in February.  But its only now that I finally have this opportunity to introduce her to you.  Join me in welcoming the amazing Andrea Zanin.  She is my last guest in this series for 2009, and she’s a humdinger, don’t cha know.

Andrea is also from Toronto, as is Dart, and like him she is internationally known and respected.  She’s a writer and educator within the queer, polyamory and BDSM/leather communities.  And she bring a unique voice to this ever growing chorus of exceptional guests in this series.

Andrea and I discuss:

  • Her life as a grad student, community activist, teacher and writer.
  • Being a sex geek and blogging since 2006.
  • Her site being a virtual graduate course in human sexuality.
  • Presenting on college campuses.
  • Being a leather dyke and being a judge for leather contests.
  • Power play, BDSM and fetishes.
  • The currency of power, consent and negotiations.
  • Being a Dom in power play and a switch in sensation play.

You can visit Andrea on her website HERE!

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by:  Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

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