Category: KINK

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Hacker exploits smart chastity belt bug to hold penises hostage

The hacker demanded to be paid in Bitcoin, because of course they did.

By Andrew Paul

Sex toy tech is a burgeoning industry often eliciting cheap jokes from people, but it truly presents some serious implications for consumers’ digital privacy and security rights. But hey, no one says these two reactions are mutually exclusive. Don’t believe us? Here: BDSM enthusiasts wearing remote-enabled chastity belts around their dicks are potentially getting caught between a rock and a hard place thanks to hackers breaching the device’s software.

Putting users in a tough bind — According to multiple outlets, hackers discovered a security flaw within the API of a Bluetooth-enabled BDSM sex device called the Cellmate Chastity Cage that allowed them to simultaneously lock all currently in-use devices. The bug was initially first reported last October, but the solution wasn’t so simple as issuing a software update; shutting down the then-current API would result in locking all of the devices from the Chinese-based manufacturer, Qiui. The company provided a revamped API for any new Cellmate purchasers, but the existing vulnerable software remained live and exploitable. Qiui offered numerous reassurances to deal with the issue, but it’s never seemed to fully materialize. So, of course, the worst-case scenario is exactly what happened, as reported by Motherboard.

Bolt cutters and angle grinders — One user recounted receiving a hacker’s message demanding a 0.02 Bitcoin ransom (around $750) or else their Cellmate would remain permanently locked. Given the Qiui’s “smart” sex toy locks via a metal ring underneath a user’s penis, it could have required something along the lines of a sizable bolt cutter or angle grinder to free oneself, which, y’know… is an absolutely terrifying thought. As the BBC noted in October, “Any other attempt to cut through the device’s plastic body poses a risk of harm.” “Fortunately I didn’t have this locked on myself while this happened,” the individual known only as Robert told Motherboard.

Even more private parts could be exposed — If the thought of having one’s genitals permanently encased in Chinese plastic isn’t unsettling enough already, the security flaw underscored even deeper existential problems for users. Pen Test Partners, the British-based cybersecurity firm who first exposed the issues, also noted that the API exploit easily exposed users’ passwords, private messages, and even precise geospatial locations, as seen below.

Pretty much all “Internet of Things” programming will inevitably run into bugs and possible security breaches, but these issues certainly become all the more serious (and even potentially dangerous) when some of your most literal and figurative sensitive information is on the line. The phrase “buyer beware” has never been more appropriate… so please, people. By all means, enhance and expand your sex lives. Just do so responsibly and safely on all fronts.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The BDSM Test Is the Get-To-Know-Your-Kink Diagnostic

By Kells McPhillips

BDSM is a tidy acronym for a broad range of sexual preferences that relate to physical control, usually broken into six components, “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism,” according to Ali Hebert and Angela Weaver, professors in the department of psychology at St. Francis Xavier University, writing in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. And it can be a safe, consensual avenue for exploring the kinks that comprise your unique sexual fingerprint. But for the uninitiated, BDSM can conjure images of how it’s portrayed in pop culture—and let’s just say, Fifty Shades of Grey is not it. Sexologists and sex educators say that IRL BDSM is more about communication with yourself and your partner than it is about Red Rooms of Pain. And to get that conversation started, there’s an online BDSM test that can help you safely learn your tastes.

The first version of the BDSM Test launched in 2014 and it—or similar quizzes like the Sex Personality Test —is often used by sexologists and sex educators with their clients. The BDSM Test is free and works by asking you the degree to which you agree with certain statements related to your sexual appetite. Statements include, “I want my partner to serve me and address me as a superior” and, “I like to be dominated, especially in the bedroom.” At the end of the test, takers will learn the degree to which BDSM “archetypes” fit their particular desires. For instance, you may be 67 percent exhibitionist (or someone who enjoys showing their naked body to other people), 42 percent voyeur (someone who enjoys watching sexual acts), or 15 percent switch (someone who alternates between submissive and dominant behaviors).

Taking the test requires you to do some personal reflection, and sex educator Shanae Adams, LPCC, says that it’s this self-examination that makes the test worth taking. “I think this quiz is for everyone who has an interest in learning more about themselves and their sexual appetites,” she says, adding that she often uses it with BDSM-curious clients. “This quiz is also great for generating discussion and providing language [for talking to your sexual partner]. It can help people become illuminated on what they don’t know and give them a direction to explore in regards to what turns them on and makes them feel good.”

“You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.” —Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist

Sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, adds that the archetypes can be particularly enlightening. “This test can help a person understand their kinks and possibly permit them to explore them. I like that the test gives you a scale to choose from [with each statement] and also gives percentages [with your results]. This can help you honor your 10 percent dom and settle in your 80 submissive,” says Howard. “You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.”

As with all types of tests that categorize and organize your personality and interests, remember to be flexible and open to the possibility that what revs your engine might not be the same in six months, a year, 10 years. “This is just a test and not a monolithic experience,” says Adams. It also surfaces an a la carte list of options, not a set menu: “If you test high in an area that doesn’t interest you, you don’t have to do that kink. Also in reverse, if you test low in an area that interests you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t explore it,” Adams says. “Use the test as a tool for a jump point, but not as an end-all and be-all.”

There’s a reason the term BDSM encompasses so much: Sex and sexuality are complex. So consider the test an invitation to look deeper—not a box to trap yourself in (unless you’re into that sort of thing).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Healing Benefits Of BDSM

“Kink Helped My Mental Health.”

By Yasmin Lajoie

Two years ago, 38-year-old Alice* suddenly went profoundly deaf. She lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her and the relentless tinnitus she experienced led her to have suicidal thoughts. “Before I went deaf, I was stable,” she tells me. “I had trauma but I could live with it. With the tinnitus, I wanted to die. It felt like the only option. My mother died by suicide so it felt very familiar. I came so close.”

In order to distract herself from this emotional and physical agony, Alice joined a dating app. It was there that she met a man with whom she started practising BDSM, which she credits with getting her mental health back on track. BDSM – which stands for bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, sadism-masochism – involves enacting scenarios, often in a sexual setting, where there is a power imbalance, generally between a dominant individual (a dom) and a submissive individual (a sub).

The world of BDSM is broad and incredibly diverse, encompassing everything from the use of a blindfold during sex to forms of consensual torture. It’s difficult to define and the concept is marred by misinformation perpetuated by pornography and the media (and Fifty Shades of Grey).

People with an interest in BDSM used to be considered dangerous. The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, described sadomasochism as the “most significant of all perversions” and Wilhelm Stekel, one of Freud’s earliest followers, went even further: he linked it to cannibalism, criminality, vampirism and mass murder. Until the 2013 version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) – a definitive text on mental illnesses and their treatment – anyone who experienced arousal by atypical stimuli, such as feet or cross-dressing, was classified as clinically disordered, even if the fetish caused no distress or harm.

Despite this, recent research suggests that BDSM does not indicate a disordered mind and that its practitioners have relatively good mental health: they’re less neurotic, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection and more open-minded. In 2013, a study also found that they report being generally happier than the general population. So does BDSM attract people who are naturally more well-adjusted or does BDSM improve the lives of those who practise it? Does it have the potential to heal those of us who are suffering because of our mental health?

In 2008, a paper was published which said that for most people, practising BDSM could accurately be thought of as a hobby, making it sound as wholesome as knitting or Zumba – just an innocent way to pass the time. However, when I ask around and speak to women on the kink scene, I find that they consider it to be a far more fundamental component of both their identity and their wellbeing.

Dr Gloria Brame is a clinical sexologist, sex therapist and author. “For some people BDSM is a hobby. I think it’s a weird hobby, but okay,” she tells me. “For me, BDSM is a legitimate sexual identity, like being gay. It isn’t about the spanking and the whipping and the chains. I would be a kinky person without any of that. I’d still want to be in charge. It’s who I am.”

“It helps me so much,” Alice explains. “BDSM forces me to question my role as a disabled woman, to question the expectations I have for myself and the expectations society has for me. Vulnerability is not a weakness. I understand that now. I feel empowered through vulnerability.”

For some people BDSM is a hobby. For me, BDSM is a legitimate sexual identity, like being gay. It isn’t about the spanking and the whipping and the chains. I would be a kinky person without any of that. I’d still want to be in charge. It’s who I am. — Dr Gloria Brame

Eevi* is a 24-year-old woman who talks enthusiastically and expressively about BDSM, despite describing herself as a newbie. “I’ve always been a high energy, nervous person. I got into a lot of trouble at school, for not being able to focus, for lashing out. I had anger management issues and was diagnosed with ADHD,” she tells me. “As a teenager, I spiralled, I developed anorexia. Looking back, I think it was a way for me to reclaim control. BDSM is a way for me to reclaim that control in a healthier way. It allows me the possibility of healing from bad experiences, including the rape I endured when I was 18. I’ve known I was sexually submissive from a young age but after I was raped, it took on a deeper meaning.”

“Of course, BDSM is just one of the ways I look after my mental health,” Eevi adds. “I don’t think it should be the only form of self-care, or considered as a replacement to therapy, but it definitely offers a lot of potential to process issues in a constructive way.”

Lucy*, 36, is a psychology student whose own mental health journey has been tumultuous to say the least. In her early 20s she suffered with bad anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. “I stopped eating and started to waste away,” she explains. “I became addicted to [the benzodiazepine] lorazepam. Everything was just completely fucked up. I had to go into an addiction centre. After I was discharged, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.”

BDSM has always been something she wanted to explore but it was only last year, before the coronavirus pandemic, that she started attending kink events. “In the beginning I would look at people getting whipped and think, Oh my God, why would anyone want that? It looks so painful,” she says, “but then I tried it and I realised that there’s this cathartic element to it. If you’re taking beatings, you’re taking lots of pain…that can be empowering. Afterwards you feel like, Fuck, I’m really strong! It’s like you get your demons beaten out of you. I haven’t had it in a while because of lockdown, and I’m craving it. It’s very strange, it’s like I need it.”

Thirty-six-year-old Charlotte has been part of the kink community since 2015. Reflecting on her time in it and her preconceptions prior to joining, she says: “When I started out, my perception of BDSM was very wrong. I thought it was just a way for women to be used and abused by men. But really, it’s a way for me to communicate what I want and what I like and what I need. I’ve had depression and anxiety for most of my adult life but recently my mental health has been much better and BDSM is one of my coping strategies.”

Charlotte says that BDSM is both “a lot of fun” and that it “makes sex better”. More than that, she says it allows her to escape from her head. “I self-harmed as a teenager,” she explains. “I’m a masochist; I enjoy the pain. BDSM has provided me with a safe space to experience that. It’s no longer self-flagellation. I’m not punishing myself because I don’t like myself.”

For a self-described “overthinker” like Charlotte, being in a space where someone else takes over feels “absolutely magical”.

“I’m constantly worrying about my blood sugar as I have type 1 diabetes,” she says, “but during BDSM sessions, my dom will scan my glucose monitor for me. I don’t have to worry about it. I can stop being vigilant. I can relax. It resets my brain.”

While conducting interviews with these women via video chat, I was struck by how much eye contact they made. We were talking about some of the most intimate aspects of their lives. I was expecting discomfort, maybe even embarrassment. But the women looked me dead in the eye – unflinching, strong, unashamed. It was, frankly, nothing short of inspiring.

“BDSM changed my life,” Gloria says as she smiles and takes a long drag of her cigarette. “I feel like it has been transformational psychologically and emotionally. It radically changed my perspective, my ability to trust people. I used to have secrets I could never tell anyone, shame about my body. I was pounded down by patriarchal society. BDSM is incredibly empowering. My whole life I wanted to do these things that I thought were forbidden. Why would some guy let me boss him around, tie him up, put clamps on his nipples, you know?”

While Gloria is a dominatrix and Alice is a switch (someone who enjoys performing both dominant and submissive roles), Eevi, Lucy and Charlotte all have very submissive tendencies and often engage in BDSM play with male doms. I asked them if they identified as feminists (they all did) and suggested that by letting men hurt them, they could inadvertently be reinforcing sexist and patriarchal norms. As the standard, hackneyed and reductive critique of BDSM goes: It’s men beating the shit out of women, like they have been doing since the beginning of time…

“But you’re exposing the structural inequality,” Eevi explains without hesitating in response to my question. She’s obviously considered this perspective before. “By playing with power dynamics, you’re forced to think about them and communicate about them and it makes you more critical. There are lots of people in vanilla relationships that are very traditional and heteronormative and they avoid thinking about these issues but in a BDSM relationship you have to think about them.”

I’m forced to agree with her. “I think BDSM aligns beautifully with feminism,” says Charlotte in response to the same point. “As a sub, I set the limits. I am in control. I have the power.”

BDSM forces me to question my role as a disabled woman, to question the expectations I have for myself and the expectations society has for me. Vulnerability is not a weakness. I understand that now. I feel empowered through vulnerability. — Alice*

“It’s a big question early on in a submissive woman’s journey; surrendering power to a man can feel patriarchal,” Gloria muses. “On the other hand, that’s what gets you off. There’s something to be said for finding someone who will give you the best orgasms of your life.”

As Charlotte describes to me in detail what she might be (consensually) subjected to during a session, it occurs to me that it is counterintuitive to seek out humiliation, degradation and pain for pleasure. But studies show that physical pain can actually have a profound effect on us. Dr Brad Sagarin, founder of the Science of BDSM research team and a professor of social and evolutionary psychology at Northern Illinois University, has compared the pain experienced to ‘runner’s high’ – the sense of euphoria and increased tolerance for pain that some joggers feel after a long run.

For those participating in BDSM, the pain shrinks the world to the immediate present. Anything beyond the here and now feels irrelevant, even ceases to exist. The stresses of everyday life melt away. And that, for anyone with mental health struggles, is where the relief comes. “BDSM forces you to stay in the present,” Gloria says. “That in itself, even if it’s just for a few hours, is amazingly rehabilitative.”

Sex therapist Kandice van Beerschoten explains further: “There’s good pain and bad pain. Within any sadomasochistic relationship, the masochist has a say in what’s being done to them. It’s going to be controlled, and they’ll have a safe word that they can use if they are no longer enjoying the experience.”

Zayna Ratty is a hypno-psychotherapist, activist and podcaster whose own experiences also support the idea that BDSM can be healing. “BDSM can be used to recover from trauma. Lots of people think you’re re-enacting the trauma, when in fact you’re re-scripting it. The survivor has the power in that negotiation. It’s a powerful tool.”

All this sounds great. So what are the risks?

“There are people who don’t take themselves seriously, who don’t take discrimination seriously, who don’t take consent seriously,” warns Zayna. “If you’re playing with people like that, or with someone who isn’t very experienced, there is a potential for harm.”

“There are serious medical risks too,” points out Kandice. “For example, if you choke someone and you don’t know how to do that, that person could die.” Consent, as ever, is key.

As well as engaging in one-on-one play, many people enjoy the sense of community provided by kink events and the parts of the internet devoted to it. Gloria ran the first online BDSM support group on CompuServe (the first major online service provider) in 1987 and still organises community events. She understands the importance of collective engagement. I ask how her community is coping in corona times. “We miss seeing all our friends, going to classes, playing with new people. We’re on Zoom a lot. A lot of places have had to close down but we are a strong and powerful community; we’ll survive.”

Before COVID-19 hit, London was experiencing something of a kinky renaissance, with events such as Klub Verboten and Crossbreed attracting a younger crowd than might typically be associated with the scene.

Alex Warren runs Crossbreed, the club night and record label. As well as hosting sex-positive raves, Crossbreed has also hosted talks on racism and intersectionality. “The kink community as a whole is quite a caring place,” Alex tells me. “There’s lots of danger hidden within that of course but in general it’s well structured, supportive, nonjudgmental and welcoming.”

I wonder what the consequences of the COVID lockdown might be for kinky people. Neither Klub Verboten nor Crossbreed has received any relief from the government. Even if they do recover financially, will individuals who rely on BDSM as a strategy to cope with stress be able to survive the temporary drought?

“When you’re displaced from your community, that causes isolation, that causes psychological distress,” says Zayna. “We have these feelings of grief. We’re experiencing mass loss. If you’re neurodivergent especially, it’s possible that you might get stuck in complicated grief and find it difficult to navigate through.”

“I really miss the events. At every one I’ve been to, everybody has been really respectful,” says Lucy. “It’s easier to be abusive online. You get some really dark messages on dating apps and [kinky social media website] Fetlife. Men message you talking about rape, saying they hate women, describing all the horrible things they want to do to you. I end up blocking a lot of them.”

I ask Eevi about the scene’s dark side. Has anything untoward ever happened to her? “Once I was having sex with a man and he ripped my panties without asking. I wouldn’t normally mind but they were pretty expensive. That’s like the worst thing that’s happened to me at an event, that I can think of.” Despite that grim encounter, Eevi has no regrets. She sighs nostalgically. “I felt so free at Klub Verboten. It was amazing.”

The benefits of BDSM definitely seem to outweigh the downsides, especially for people like Alice.

“I’m healing,” Alice tells me. “I’m finding energy through BDSM and using that energy to replenish myself.”

*Names have been changed to protect identities

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What You Need to Know About Being a BDSM Switch

It’s like a lil bit of dominant + a lil bit of submissive.

By Rachel Varina

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. This is where the whole dominant (sometimes called a “top”) and submissive (a “bottom”) dynamic comes into play.

“A top is simply someone who leads/guides the scene and the bottom is there to receive the experience,” explains Mistress Rogue, professional dominatrix and headmistress of The Dom House. (The dominant and submissive terms can also be used when there’s a power dynamic as well.)

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And while you might be most familiar with what a dominant and submissive do, there’s another term you might not be as familiar with: a switch. Let’s dive deeper.

What is a BDSM switch?

A BDSM switch is someone who goes back and forth between dominating and being submissive, says Rogue. The dynamic change depends on the mood, circumstances, and the vibe between the partners, she adds.

And while the term is used commonly in the BDSM community, it’s important to note that switching—just like being dominant or submissive—isn’t always sexual. It’s merely about an exchange of power, which could be anything from doing chores to consensually ordering your partner around. What’s done in the bedroom is like an ~added~ bonus.

How do you know if you’re a switch?

If you’re wondering whether or not you’re a switch, the answer is actually pretty simple: Just think about what turns you on.

If sometimes you feel more eager to take control in the bedroom (e.g. riding your partner, tying them up, etc.), and other times the idea of your partner running the show (e.g. spanking you, tying you up, or just managing the positions) sounds better, there’s a good chance you’re a switch, says Rogue.

If you’re still unsure, chatting with your partner(s) can help you figure it out. “It’s about being honest with yourself and with your partners so that you both are receiving as much pleasure from the interaction as the other,” says Florida department of health sexual health educator, Jasmine Akins. “As long as you have partner communication and honesty, you should be able to self-identify.”

What are the perks of switching?

The most obvious perk of switching is having the opportunity to play in different ways with potentially different partners. Not only will it give you more chances for connection (and uh, orgasms), but it will also give you a more well-rounded perspective, which can make you an even better dominant or submissive.

“The best dominants often start as subs and then find their way up to being a top or a dom,” says Rogue. “In fact, this was how I became a dominatrix. I was introduced to BDSM by a dominant, and I learned and built skills knowing what I wanted as a bottom, so I could become a better dom.”

In addition to honing your skills, switching can also be majorly liberating in a mental sense. You can explore different head spaces and free yourself from playing the role you think you have to play during sex, says Akins. This can aid in communication, decrease boredom, and stimulate creativity.

Are there any downsides or risks?

The major concern with switching—other than becoming addicted to it, lol— is making sure everyone is continuously onboard and you’re practicing safely. “Being a switch means learning double safety information for BDSM practices. Keeping everything SSC (safe, sane and consensual) is vital,” she explains.

Any BDSM play can involve risks, which is why things like constant consent and safe words are integral. Partner communication is vital in any sexual situation, but especially if you’re adding some new kinks to the mix.

Finally, just like with any sort of sexual activity, reducing the risk of STI transmission is always essential. “You should be tested whenever you have a new partner, and if you’re in a monogamous relationship, I recommend testing at least once a year,” advises Akins. Utilizing barrier methods is a smart idea for some forms of BDSM play where penetration or fluid exchange is involved.

Now, here’s how to try switching for the first time

If you think you might like to switch up the power dynamics in the bedroom, don’t be afraid to explore those desires, even if they seem like a curveball in your relationship.

“The first step is being interested in it, so don’t feel like you have to be the BDSM king or queen the very first time,” says Akins. “Do your research and ask questions.”

Both experts agree: Educating yourself is key to a successful switch. And luckily, there are tons of resources out there to get you started—just don’t reach for Christan and Ana’s story as a guidebook.

And if your research leads you to believe switching might be for you, let your partner know. While it might seem hot to spring it on them mid-session, it’s actually important to talk things out ahead of time so you’re both on the same page.

Plus, you will need consent to test out a new dynamic. You never know what triggers someone might have, or what emotions might be stirred up within yourself, so communicating throughout (and checking in with yourself) is vital.

Then when it comes time to go at it, take things extra slow.

“If you’re a newbie, feel free to ease into it. You can start with a simple blindfold to heat things up. As you get more comfortable with the idea, you can expand your play options with yourself and with your partner,” suggests Akins.

“The [desire] may develop [or deteriorate] over time, and since this will probably be a pretty different experience for both of you, don’t expect to know right away whether you like the dynamic or not. “It’s okay to try new things, and it’s okay to absolutely adore them or hate them,” Akins says. “It’s your body, and you have the final say. Always.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Kinky Dating Apps to Download If BDSM Is Your Thing

Because being sexually adventurous = totally healthy and normal.

By Anni Irish

A kink is broadly defined as an act or desire that falls outside of the widely accepted normative ideas of vanilla sexual practices—everything from choking, to BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominate/submissive, sadomasochism/masochism), to cuckolding, foot fetishes, water sports, bondage, and more.

And as you can see, there are tonnns of elements that fall within its sexual realm.

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But even though nearly 61 percent of Cosmo readers say they’ve dabbled in some form of BDSM play, there still remains some societal stigma and shame for wanting to be adventurous in and out of the bedroom.

This is exactly what we don’t want, fam. Because being sexually adventurous (in whatever way that means to you) is completely healthy and normal. In fact, it’s highly encouraged in an effort to prioritize your pleasure and what feels good to you.

So if you’re looking to expand your sexual taste—or just see what is out there— sometimes turning to a dating app is the best and easiest way to explore. And whether you’re just looking to spice up your online dating game or you’re fully a master in BDSM practices already, here are six kinky apps to help jump-start your experience.

Just remember, in all forms of sexual contact (kink or vanilla), consent it is always mandatory. Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must.

1. FetLife

When it comes to exploring BDSM and kink in general, FetLife is the go-to for these kinds of activities. (The Canadian-based company literally describes itself as being like “Facebook but run by kinksters.”)

Similarly to other social media platforms, users can create profiles, interact and “Friend” other members, post pics, vids, status updates, and join more specific groups based on sexual interests and kinks. Trust me when I say the free website really allows you to cater your kink experience and find exactly what you want—whatever that may be.

Download here

2. Kinkoo

If you’re looking for a dating app more fetish-specific (think: feet, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.), Kinkoo may be the best one for you. In your profile, you can indicate what you’re looking for and how you’d describe yourself, like, say, if you are more of a submissive or dominant. Match with people all around the world for free or upgrade to the VIP membership for $16 per month.

Download here

3. Whiplr

Okay, so the app is pretty clever—I mean, its name doesn’t exactly disguise what the app is intended for, lol. But once you sign up, users are free to choose from a list of over 230 kinks (230!) to add to their profile. The free app also features a chat, video, and call component, similarly to what you may experience on a more mainstream dating app. Use it to find a virtual playmate or to chat it up with other kinksters across the globe.

Download here

4. Kink D

Another app geared toward the fetish community, Kink D is a super sex-positive space for those looking to explore. Whether you’re into BDSM, foot fetishes, or whatever else, odds are, you’ll find a willing partner here. It’s free to download, has a super user-friendly interface, and can help you connect with singles all over.

Download here

5. Kinki

Kinki prides themselves on being super inclusive, especially for folks apart of the LGBTQ+ community. The app, which costs $12 per month, gives you a range of options to pick from in terms of both fetishes and what you’re looking for (whether it be long-term, short-term, or just a hookup.) It also authenticates people’s accounts, gives you filters to search by location, and allows you to Like photos of people as well.

Unfortunately it’s not in U.S. markets quite yet, so this one’s for all of you outside the states.

Download here

6. Feeld

This platform offers a tonnnn of options for gender identity and sexual orientation. And while Feeld has gotten some buzz primarily for those interested in threesomes, it’s also super friendly to those in polyamorous relationships or looking to explore a more kink-friendly lifestyle. If you’re into just dipping a toe into the BDSM waters, this free app is a great sex-positive place to get started.

Download here

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide to Spanking Therapy

by Gabrielle Kassel

Erotic. Painful. Punitive. These are some of the ways you might describe a good ol’ bum whooping. But therapeutic? Well, that’s the idea behind spanking therapy.

Below, two kink educators explain WTH spanking therapy entails and why people are into it.

While it always involves bum bumping, what qualifies as spanking therapy is up for debate.

For example, as sex worker and sex educator Corey More explains, spanking therapy is any BDSM spanking scene.

Because according to them, any consensual risk-aware spanking session is going to have therapeutic benefits.

Pleasure-based, queer-inclusive kink educator Lateef Taylor says that the difference between a regular spanking session and a spanking therapy scene is intention.

“Just like all therapy, for it to count as spanking therapy, you have to go into it with the intention to move through something,” they say.

Regardless of which definition you choose, spanking therapy is the use of spanking to:

  • create a sensation of release
  • explore power play and relinquishment
  • work through trauma
  • process negative emotions
  • begin to understand your full potential

“There’s a difference between slapping someone’s rear end willy-nilly and spanking therapy,” says Taylor. In other words, spanking therapy requires skill!

And it isn’t a skill you learn while training to be a licensed marriage family therapist, for instance. Spanking therapy typically doesn’t involve going to a credentialed or licensed therapist.

So who do you go to? Usually a sex worker, according to More.

“There are a plethora of incredibly skilled sex workers who specialize in BDSM, some of who do full-service work, and some of who only do spanking,” explains More.

A session with a sex worker will typically cost you $200 to $400 (per hour or scene, depending) and insurance won’t cover it (ugh).

So, if that’s not in your budget, More recommends finding a skilled spanker through FetLife, which is described as, “Facebook…. for kinky folks.”

“Just be careful and use your common sense,” says More. “Just like any social media platform or dating app, there are some great folks and some creeps.”

Social distancing protocols permitting, sex parties are another great option. To find out how to get into and where to find a sex party near you, ask your local sex shop employees — they’re usually in the know.

“The best part about a sex party is you can watch someone who you want to spank you, spank someone else,” says More.

Finally, if you’re already familiar with the BDSM scene, word of mouth is a great resource! Kinksters are a gossipy group. Let a few know you’re on the hunt for some therapeutic tushy spanking, and word will spread.

Spanking has a reputation as being all about pain and punishment.

“But spanking can be incredibly erotic, freeing, and powerful when done in a controlled and consensual environment,” says More.

“When you’re feeling flattened by life, spanking therapy can be a way to remind you of the fullness of your humanity and the joy of life,” they say. “It can bring you back to your inner fire.”

So why are people into it? Because those (^) are some pretty damn powerful feels.

Depends on the spankee’s objectives!

It can provide a number of things, including:

How spanking has these effects comes down to the release of feel-good endorphins and hormones such as oxytocin, dopamine, and adrenaline.

“No,” says Taylor. “There’s an intimacy there, of course, but it isn’t necessarily sexual.”

They offer an analogy: “You don’t go see your physical therapist because you want to have sex with them. You see them for a specific kind of release.”

So even though the exact same kinds of contact and touch could be sexual in one context, during the therapy session, it’s not, they say.

Really, though, it comes down to your individual definition of “sexual” and “sex.”

Does spanking feel like sex to you? Does sex only occur if there’s genital contact? Is spanking sex if the spankee is bare-bottomed? These are questions all spankees and spankers will have to contend with themselves.

Most of the time the bum is the only part of the body spanked during a spanking therapy session. Why? Because it’s fleshy AF.

How do you spank someone’s tush? Think about each cheek as being split up into four different quadrants.

The lower, innermost quadrant is the most sensitive. This is where the spanker will aim for the greatest response.

But (!) you need to get the bottom and body a chance to warm up to the sensation first.

In fact, More says, if someone doesn’t warm up with you first, it’s a red flag to get out of dodge.

Do you use your hand or… ? “If you’re new to spanking, you should start with your hand,” says More.

As you become more advanced, you can invest in paddles, which will offer different sensations. For example, a silicone paddle = stingy, while a wood paddle = thuddy.

“The rhythm is the most important part,” says Taylor. “The speed can vary, but you want the spanker to get into some sort of rhythm.”

Actually, all sessions should, more or less, follow the same general structure.

The beginning: Scene negotiation

All good BDSM begins with communication. So before the whacking starts, chat about:

  • what you’re hoping to get out of the scene
  • any physical limitations or injuries you have
  • verbal and nonverbal safe words
  • whether you’ll be bare-bottomed or not
  • how you want the scene to end (for example, are you going for a certain number of spanks? Until a certain emotion is reached?).

“The more you communicate before the scene starts, the more likely it is that you’ll get what you want out of the scene,” says More

The middle: The spanking session

Surprise: This is where the aforementioned ~therapeutic magic~ happens.

The end: Aftercare

BDSM-speak for pillow-talk, “aftercare involves checking in with each other and sitting in mutual space as you both come down from the hormonal rush the scene can create,” says More.

(This is often known as sub-drop and top-drop).

Once more for the peeps in the back: Spanking requires skill.

And to be blunt, your boo probably doesn’t (yet) have that skill.

Taylor notes: “Just as you wouldn’t go into talk therapy with your partner [as your therapist], it’s best not to try spanking therapy with your partner.”

So, can you do it with your partner? Sure, if you’re seeking stress release or pleasure. But you both have to be willing to learn:

  • how to try spanking safely
  • how to communicate effectively
  • how to construct a scene

One of the best ways to learn? Hire a sex worker who specializes in spanking to teach you!

They’ll be able to teach you techniques, including:

  • where on the bum is safe to spank
  • how to start a spanking session
  • how to spank someone using a device like a paddle

Sex parties are also an option. Many advanced spankers will be pleased to have an opportunity to show off their skills.

You and your partner can also take a more, well, classic approach to learning:

  • Read the book “The Pleasure Mechanics Guide To Erotic Spanking” (which you can buy online),
  • watch spanking tutorials
  • attend a spanking 101 class at your local sex shop

Now that you’ve read to the bottom (heh) of this article, odds are you know whether spanking therapy is something you want to explore.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 Tips For Proudly Introducing Kink Into Your Relationship

By Mary Grace Garis

If during this time in quarantine, you’ve done some sexual exploring about what gets you going—great. Maybe you’ve dedicated some self-care sessions to self-pleasure, had some mind-blowing staycation sex, or taken the BDSM test to explore your NSFW interests. And just maybe, all the sexploration has you wanting to learn how to introduce kink into your relationship as well. If what’s stopping you is a sense of feeling overwhelmed or even embarrassed, stop right there: Sex educators agree that kink is a perfectly healthy and safe form of sexual expression and pleasure, and talking about it with a partner is the first step for removing any level of stigma that may surround it so everyone involved can get to the important part of enjoying it.

Of course, the first step is understanding what kink is. Kink can be construed as a wide variety of consensual sex acts that aren’t vanilla, penetrative, heteronormative sexual intercourse. “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse,” sexual-health consultant Francisco Ramirez previously told Well+Good. For some examples, it can include a blindfold, getting tied up, spanking, temperature play, choking, and more. Kink also encompasses BDSM—which stands for “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism”—which usually involves power play with clear dominant and submissive roles, and sometimes might not even directly involve sex play at all.

Below, Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist with sexual-wellness brand Royal, shares four golden rules for how to introduce kink into a relationship.

4 tips for how to introduce kink into a relationship, according to a sexologist.

1. If you’re afraid to bring it up, say so from the outset

Many of us have to unlearn shame around sexuality, and everyone’s barometer for what constitutes “kink” is different. Before bringing up anything to a partner, know that your interests and preferences are valid. V also recommends coming from a place of vulnerability. “Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you,” says V.

“Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you.” —Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist

She suggests saying something along the lines of, “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, but it’s hard for me because I’m afraid that maybe you’ll think I’m weird. Do you have some time to talk?” or “Hey, do you have the bandwidth to talk about something? I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I’m scared, but it’s really important to me.”

2. Be specific about what you’re interested in

Since, as previously mentioned, everyone’s barometer for what constitutes kink is different. That’s why clarity about what you want to you want to introduce into your relationship is so important.

“Once the subject is broached, start small. Give examples, and be willing to explain why you’re interested in something,” says V. “When you use the words ‘kink’ and ‘BDSM,’ many people imagine dungeons and ball gags, which make up a small and very extreme percentage of kinky play.”

3. Use mental imagery as a way of approaching the idea

V suggests prompting specific sex plays with images and speaking in hypotheticals to get the conversation going. An example? “Wouldn’t it be fun for us to play with a little spanking?” The idea of you doing that during sex is so hot! Is that something you’d be open to exploring?” And the conversation can (hopefully) flow from there.

“It helps to have done your research and to come to the conversation with specific examples of what you want and why, as well as what the benefits are to your partner,” V says. “If you can clearly articulate a desire and are able to focus on the potential benefits for both of you and your relationship, you are more likely to be met with enthusiasm.”

4. Be prepared for friction, but don’t get hung up on it

According to V, many great partners will hear out your desires, ask any necessary clarifying questions, and want to make them come true so long as they feel safe doing so. However, not everyone will start with a positive reaction. Be prepared for this, and be willing to forgive your partner if their immediate response comes from a place of shame or judgment.

“Remember that there’s a lot of shame around this subject, and their response will be informed primarily by their culture and their upbringing—not by their best selves—unless they’ve already done some personal work on this,” says V. “If they don’t change their tune, and they continue to judge you for your kinky desires, it might be time to show them the door and find a new partner who can give you an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to exploring.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Would you Wear a Male Chastity Belt?

Men’s Chastity Devices: A Closer Look

by MJ Booth

It’s Locktober and that means it’s time to talk about chastity devices for men. Would you let your lover lock you down until you begged for mercy? Is it really safe to trust your equipment to somebody else?

Well, it certainly requires a level of trust and intimacy that the faint of heart don’t have. If you or your partner are wearing a chastity device, then you’ve just made an undeniable display of fidelity and kinkiness.

Male chastity belts can be a fun part of BDSM play. There’s also something about having your sexual power essentially belonging to someone else that thrills and tantalizes the libido. The device is physically constraining, but there is a definite psychological component to the chastity experience, as well.

It’s all about an exchange of power.

A Little History About Chastity Belts

Did you know that chastity belts date back to around medieval times? Crusaders and knights who would ride off to battle would sometimes lock away their lovers’ private parts until they returned safely.

The first historical reference comes from religious texts and a drawing of a metal belt depicted in a book called Bellifortis. It was created by a German military engineer named Konrad Kyeser in 1405. (Figures.)

However, some historians believe that medieval chastity belts were just jokes or purely metaphorical. It wasn’t until the eighteenth and early nineteenth century that people started to put these designs into practical use for medieval reference purposes, pure curiosity, and a bit of kinky fun behind closed doors.

What Do Male Chastity Belts Do?

Male chastity belts didn’t become popular until modern times as BDSM toys. However, male chastity belts and devices are far more popular than female versions. Perhaps that has something to do with the prevalence of more men willing to be in submissive roles, (either gay or straight) within the BDSM community.

Essentially, the male chastity device is designed to prevent a man from obtaining an erection or prevent physical contact with the penis. You can prevent someone from masturbating or having direct sexual encounters involving their penis without the permission of the keyholder.

Is this about trust or delayed gratification? Well, it could be either or both.

There are a few different designs out there, but most fall under two types. There’s the cage design which encases a flaccid penis in some sort of elaborate prison for penises and then there’s the plate design which covers the penis so that it can’t get hard.

Some have traditional lock and key components, but you can get really high tech with male chastity belts now.

Lock Your Lover Down with Your Smart Phone

That’s right. You don’t need a key anymore. Some chastity devices can be locked and unlocked remotely from a smartphone, Bluetooth or Wi-Fi enabled device. That’s certainly a futuristic way to get kinky, but it comes with a new set of dangers.

This is how it works. Basically, the dominant person controls the app. They can monitor the submissive wearer’s time in the cage and unlock or lock them remotely. When engaged, a heavy-duty metal ring closes the device on the user.

Dangers of Digital Chastity Devices for Men

Just imagine if your chastity belt was remotely locked by a hacker or your service dropped out and you couldn’t open it? Well, it might seem like something that would happen in a movie, but fact is stranger than fiction.

A security firm in the UK found this exact type of security flaw in a popular BDSM device called The Cellmate. It’s a chastity lock that’s controlled by an app. The security firm, called Pen Test Partners, found that Cellmate could be hacked and remotely operated. The hackers could then prevent anyone from accessing the device. There’s no manual override or physical key.

To be fair, the Cellmate’s designers made an attempt to patch the security flaw. The company in question Qiui made a note on their Google Play and Apple Store page for users “in order to prevent hacker attacks, please review this 2.1.7 version as soon as possible!! ignore version 2.1.4.”

That’s because the problem stems from an outdated application programming interface (API) that is especially vulnerable to outside override from hackers. One disgruntled reviewer still wasn’t entirely happy with his chastity experience with The Cellmate.

He wrote, “App stopped working. Again trouble. Got already stuck twice when wearing it due to the unreliable app. I should not have spent the money for this. Back to normal chastity.”

Is It Okay to Try Chastity This Locktober?

If you’re new to chastity or you just want to add some kinky fun to your romance, then by all means, take it slow. Try small intervals of chastity and be sure to look closely at reviews before buying any chastity devices or chastity belts.

It can be an enjoyable experience and that builds a powerful bond between dominant and submissive lovers. You might want to carefully consider a physical lock versus a digital app locking device.

Afterall, it’s your junk. You’re just slaving it to someone else for a specific period of time and under a specific set of circumstances. It’s for kicks, but nobody wants to get trapped in their cage while the app updates.

High tech isn’t always the best way to go. Maybe this type of technology isn’t superior to the good old fashion BDSM devices. At least you can be sure that only your dom can lock you down.

Ultimately, it’s up to you. But be safe and have fun.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to trying BDSM for the first time

How would you even bring it up with your partner?

By Natalie Morris

For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.

If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?

As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.

Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.

But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:

What is BDSM?

This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.

There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:

  • B&D – Bondage and Discipline
  • D&S – Dominance and Submission
  • S&M – Sadism and Masochism

The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.

‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’

Communication, trust and consent

Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.

The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:

  • RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
  • SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.

‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’

How to talk to your partner about BDSM

Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.

‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.

‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’

They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.

‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.

‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.

‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.

‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’

Introducing BDSM to your relationship

If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.

The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).

‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.

‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.

‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.

‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.

‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’

And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.

Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.

Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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BDSM is fun, science confirms

By Thom Waite

For people who aren’t particularly open when it comes to sex and sexuality, BDSM can be difficult to understand, even though previous reports suggest that its practitioners tend to have better sex. Now, a new study suggests that the pleasure associated with BDSM is also scientifically provable.

Published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the research involved taking blood samples from 35 Belgian couples – recruited via FetLife, a popular social network for the fetish community – before a consensual BDSM “play” session at a sex club. More blood samples were taken after the end of the session, then analysed to measure the change in hormone levels. Meanwhile, a group of 27 people not interested in BDSM (the control group) ran similar tests at a sports club.

The results show that the biological effects of a BDSM interaction are a clear indicator of increased pleasure. For dominant partners, this is mainly linked to the power play aspect of the interaction, which caused a rise in endocannabinoid levels (which are linked to feelings of bliss and contentment). For submissive partners, on the other hand, the results showed that the hormonal change isn’t associated with power play, but with pain play.

Another finding was the increased release of cortisol – typically a response to stress – in submissive partners, but not their dominant counterparts. The researchers say that the findings: “confirm our hypothesis that a BDSM interaction seems to elicit a stress response from the body.” The study also concludes that this increase in stress is related to the provable experience of pleasure in BDSM interactions.

According to the researchers, demonstrating this biological drive behind sexual behaviors that many people find “aberrant” or abnormal is a first step in deconstructing the stigma.

Elise Wuyts, the author of the study, tells PsyPost: “Even though the idea of including power imbalances and pain in (sexual) intimacy is something many people struggle with, enjoying these practices has a biological basis and could for instance be compared to the pleasurable high that long-distance runners experience.” 

“Because this is a pilot study,” Wuyts adds, “it is only scratching the surface of what can be said about the biology of BDSM… It would be interesting to see if the results can be reproduced with other cultures or larger sample sizes.” Presumably, FetLife has plenty of willing participants if a future study were to come around.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why conservative men may be attracted to cuckolding

By Julia Naftulin 

  • Cuckolding is a sexual fetish where a person like to watch or listen while their partner has sex with someone else.
  • The term recently cropped up in mainstream media when former Liberty University President Jerry Falwell, Jr. resigned from his role after his business partner told Reuters Falwell had partaken in the fetish.
  • According to researcher and sex therapist David Ley, conservative men might be sexually drawn to cuckolding because it’s something they were told is forbidden or wrong.

Cuckolding, a sexual fetish where a man enjoys watching or listening his partner have sex with someone else, cropped up in mainstream media after Reuters reported former Liberty University President Jerry Falwell, Jr. had partaken in the act.

Falwell’s former business partner Giancarlo Granda told Reuters that Falwell “enjoyed watching from the corner of the room” while Granda and Falwell’s wife Becki were “intimate.”

Falwell denied this, and said only his wife was involved. But the news gained national attention, as Falwell was heading the ultra-conservative and evangelical Liberty University at the time. Students there are forbidden from having extramarital sex and same-sex relationships, Insider previously reported.

According to researcher and sex therapist David Ley, cuckolding is a common sexual fantasy for old-fashioned types.

Why men are drawn to cuckolding

Ley spent a year researching cuckolding for his book “Insatiable Wives,” because he could only find one study on the kink and wanted to learn more. In interviewing various heterosexual couples about their experiences with cuckolding, Ley learned those who were married and in their 40s were most likely to partake.

Ley, who discussed his findings on sex researcher Justin Lehmiller’s podcast Sex & Psychology, said men typically initiate cuckolding in their relationships, and they tend to do so for two reasons.

First, some men find the personal aspect of cuckolding more erotic than porn. According to Ley, some men think: “I’d rather watch my wife have sex with other people than watch some stranger in pornography,” because it’s more real.

Cuckolding might also appeal to someone who wants to experience “vicarious bisexuality,” as Ley calls it.

“There are men who really would like to engage in sexual activity with other men but they have a lot or moral or social prohibitions against it, and they can use their wife’s body, basically as a vehicle to have sex with other men,” Ley said.

Research suggests politically conservative men have more cuckolding fantasies than liberal men

Lehmiller, who conducted his own sexual-fantasy research for his book “Tell Me What You Want,” found politically conservative men cite cuckolding as a sexual fantasy more often than their liberal counterparts, despite the fact men often use “cuck” as a derogatory term for a weak man or sellout.

According to Ley, conservative men might be drawn to cuckolding due to cognitive dissonance.

“The more taboo something is, the more condemned it is, for some people, the more sexually charged and exciting it becomes,” Ley told Lehmiller.

Ley gave the example of a man who identified as a white Nazi and wrote a letter to him. He told Ley his greatest sexual fantasy would be his wife cheating on him with a Jewish person or person of color, because it was something he was taught to hate and fear.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The BDSM Test Is the Get-To-Know-Your-Kink Diagnostic So Many Sexologists Recommend

By Kells McPhillips

BDSM is a tidy acronym for a broad range of sexual preferences that relate to physical control, usually broken into six components, “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism,” according to Ali Hebert and Angela Weaver, professors in the department of psychology at St. Francis Xavier University, writing in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. And it can be a safe, consensual avenue for exploring the kinks that comprise your unique sexual fingerprint. But for the uninitiated, BDSM can conjure images of how it’s portrayed in pop culture—and let’s just say, Fifty Shades of Grey is not it. Sexologists and sex educators say that IRL BDSM is more about communication with yourself and your partner than it is about Red Rooms of Pain. And to get that conversation started, there’s an online BDSM test that can help you safely learn your tastes.

The first version of the BDSM Test launched in 2014 and it—or similar quizzes like the Sex Personality Test —is often used by sexologists and sex educators with their clients. The BDSM Test is free and works by asking you the degree to which you agree with certain statements related to your sexual appetite. Statements include, “I want my partner to serve me and address me as a superior” and, “I like to be dominated, especially in the bedroom.” At the end of the test, takers will learn the degree to which BDSM “archetypes” fit their particular desires. For instance, you may be 67 percent exhibitionist (or someone who enjoys showing their naked body to other people), 42 percent voyeur (someone who enjoys watching sexual acts), or 15 percent switch (someone who alternates between submissive and dominant behaviors).

Taking the test requires you to do some personal reflection, and sex educator Shanae Adams, LPCC, says that it’s this self-examination that makes the test worth taking. “I think this quiz is for everyone who has an interest in learning more about themselves and their sexual appetites,” she says, adding that she often uses it with BDSM-curious clients. “This quiz is also great for generating discussion and providing language [for talking to your sexual partner]. It can help people become illuminated on what they don’t know and give them a direction to explore in regards to what turns them on and makes them feel good.”

“You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.” —Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist

Sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, adds that the archetypes can be particularly enlightening. “This test can help a person understand their kinks and possibly permit them to explore them. I like that the test gives you a scale to choose from [with each statement] and also gives percentages [with your results]. This can help you honor your 10 percent dom and settle in your 80 submissive,” says Howard. “You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.”

As with all types of tests that categorize and organize your personality and interests, remember to be flexible and open to the possibility that what revs your engine might not be the same in six months, a year, 10 years. “This is just a test and not a monolithic experience,” says Adams. It also surfaces an a la carte list of options, not a set menu: “If you test high in an area that doesn’t interest you, you don’t have to do that kink. Also in reverse, if you test low in an area that interests you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t explore it,” Adams says. “Use the test as a tool for a jump point, but not as an end-all and be-all.”

There’s a reason the term BDSM encompasses so much: Sex and sexuality are complex. So consider the test an invitation to look deeper—not a box to trap yourself in (unless you’re into that sort of thing).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why conservative men are more likely to fantasize about sharing their wives

It may, paradoxically, be precisely because they believe cuckoldry is so bad

By Justin Lehmiller

In the wake of allegations that he spent years watching his wife have sex with another man, Jerry Falwell Jr. resigned this week from his post as president of Liberty University. Falwell has denied the specifics of those allegations, but if they’re true, he would be neither the first nor the last conservative man to take pleasure in sharing his spouse or partner while he looks on, a sexual practice known more commonly as “cuckolding.” In fact, a disproportionate percentage fantasize about just that happening to them.

They’re not alone, of course. Cuckolding routinely ranks among the top searches on the world’s biggest porn sites, as reported by neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam in their book “A Billion Wicked Thoughts,” for which they analyzed the contents of hundreds of millions of Internet searches. But as my own research has shown, reports of that sexual fantasy exhibit a surprising ideological pattern. For my book “Tell Me What You Want,” I studied the sexual fantasies of 4,175 Americans from all 50 states. I asked my participants to report how often they fantasized about hundreds of different people, places and things — including cuckolding.

A majority of heterosexual men (52 percent) said they had fantasized about watching their partner have sex with someone else. Heterosexual men who identified as Republican were the most likely to report having had a cuckolding fantasy at some point — and they fantasized about it more often than Democrats. Fewer than half of Democratic straight men (49 percent) reported having ever fantasized about cuckolding, and 19 percent said they fantasize about it often. By contrast, nearly two-thirds (64 percent) of heterosexual Republican men reported having had this fantasy, and 30 percent said it is a frequent fantasy. Republican men also reported more fantasies about infidelity, swinging and a wide range of sexually taboo activities, including voyeurism.

One way to understand why these desires are so much more common for conservative men is through what sex therapist Jack Morin termed “the erotic equation,” which he spelled out as follows:

Attraction + Obstacles = Excitement

The basic premise here is intuitive: When we are told we cannot do something that we want to do — even if we do not have a particularly strong desire for it — those restrictions make us want to do it even more. Violating taboos creates risk — and taking on a certain amount of risk can heighten arousal and excitement. This is precisely why public sex (or semipublic sex) was another extraordinarily popular fantasy in my survey: The thrill of potentially being caught in the act amps up the intensity of the situation.

Because those on the right tend to have more restrictions placed on their sexuality in general, it stands to reason that they have access to plenty of potentially appealing taboos. And among those many paradoxically pleasurable roadblocks to sexual gratification, cuckolding is one of the most prominent. They are really, really not supposed to let themselves become cuckolds, let alone to long for it.

According to this logic, a man who shares his wife with another man doesn’t just violate social and moral dictates for monogamy, but he also violates traditional notions of masculinity. In the eyes of many men, cuckolding is the ultimate form of emasculation. This sentiment is precisely why many on the right have taken to using the term “cuck” to denigrate men they see as giving up their own power and control, or humiliating themselves. It is also why many of them use the term “cuckservative” to refer to conservative men they see as caving to the left.

It may, paradoxically, be precisely because of all this that cuckoldry fantasies are so appealing. People on the right tend to place a very high value on their freedom. For example, consider conservative views on wearing masks during the covid-19 pandemic: Surveys find that Republicans are more likely to refuse to wear masks than Democrats, citing it as an attack on their liberty. This tendency is an effect of the psychological concept known as reactance, the idea that when one’s individual freedoms are threatened, one tries to reassert autonomy and independence.

Resistance to restrictions, in this mode, becomes a way to reassert personal freedom, and that’s a big deal for those on the right. As the mask resisters show, conservatives may be willing to put themselves at risk to merely assert the fact of their freedom. Likewise, it seems possible that some are open to violating erotic norms — even those that might expose them to mockery or humiliation — to demonstrate to themselves that they’re not bound by the rules. While such behaviors may seem to contradict the expectations and norms espoused by those who practice them, they actually serve to reaffirm a more fundamental conservative value, the emphasis placed on freedom itself.

With all of that said, it is certainly not the case that all Republicans and conservatives are fantasizing about cuckolding or other taboo sexual activities, nor is it the case that they’re alone in expressing such wishes. As I report in “Tell Me What You Want,” one of the kinks that Democrats report more often than Republicans is BDSM: bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism. In other words, those on the left fantasize about things like power play and rough sex more than those on the right. For Democrats, subverting ideals of equitable and fair power relations is a major taboo. The same could be said for visualizing a scenario in which the lines of sexual consent might not be explicit. After all, people on the left tend to be much stronger supporters of the #MeToo movement and have more vocally advocated for models of enthusiastic sexual consent. Flirting with this taboo may therefore be why BDSM is more tantalizing for them.

In short, while the specific content of our sexual fantasies and the particular activities we pursue in our bedrooms may differ to some degree according to our political affiliations, the factors that feed our erotic desires might not be so different after all.

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Normalizing Kink For Black And Brown Folx

By

The fight for Black rights is ever-growing and ever-changing. Law enforcement is being reformed, congressional conversations on reparations are being revisited, and even businesses, celebrities, and influencers are being held accountable for their anti-Blackness. Although the Black community has seen a lot of progress, from an intersectional standpoint, Black activism spaces lack safety, recognition, and even solidarity for Black folx who are LGBTIA- identifying or lead alternative lifestyles. Within this subset, Black people who are sex and/or kink positive are frowned upon, often subjected to shame and judgment from others. As a Black fat womxn who exists at the intersection of these identities, it’s time to have conversations about what sex and kink positivity are and why they are important for Black liberation.

From a personal standpoint, kink and sex have been a big part of my journey into womanhood. Despite being a late bloomer, my interest in the kink lifestyle started when I was in my mid-to-late teens. I remember staying up late to watch Secretary, and how the power dynamic between James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s characters intrigued me. It was something about E. Edward Grey’s sternness and the way he chastised and punished Lee that captured my interest. From that moment, I knew I wanted to learn more about what I had seen. My curiosity grew as I matured, and when I finally entered adulthood, I decided to explore my desires by turning to kink-friendly groups online and different websites. In these virtual spaces, I met a lot of like-minded individuals that not only taught me about the ins and outs of kink, including the roles of dominants and submissives and the meaning of each letter in BDSM, but also became my friends and even partners. Although some of these redeemable qualities have played a critical part in shaping my sexual identity and have kept me coming back to the lifestyle, there was one major issue that always plagued my experience: the lack of Black people.

Just like most communities, kink is inherently white-centric. Being that the lifestyle is a broad umbrella term that encompasses so many different smaller communities and subcultures, a lot of these are made to fetishize Black and brown bodies. I can’t even count how many Carsons and Karens have slid into my inbox and expressed their desires for “a big, beautiful Black woman” and how I fit the bill for their next scene. I’ve even been approached by masters and mistresses in search of creating a dynamic with someone that virtually simulates slavery or a form of race play. Y’all, I’m totally not here to yuck anyone’s yum, but I also want to make one thing clear: there’s a definite difference between a fetish and fetishization, and the aforementioned anecdotes are examples of the latter.

Initially, I felt alone in my experiences, but after chatting with friends and colleagues, I realized I wasn’t the only one. Dawn, an educator and close friend, talked about how fetishization of non-white folx goes beyond the parameters of kink and extends into the realm of sex as well.

“I can’t log into Pornhub or XVideos without being bombarded with white pornstars and nothing that could even remotely resemble representation of someone like me,” she pointed out. “[On these sites] there are even videos that are titled in derogatory and racist ways. As for outside of the digital world, my encounters with white counterparts have been almost always, if not always, rooted in fetishization. Think: ‘I’ve never been with a (blank) before. Is it true that (blank)?’ [with] those blanks being filled with obscenities, ridiculous stereotypes, and dehumanizing rhetoric.”

Our conversation on the origins of this type of behavior doesn’t start with the web, though. Kink and pornography are directly linked to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and the moment Black people in this country came to be othered for everything from our skin to perceptions about our ability to endure pain. The effects of slavery are seen overtly in some forms of race play, but they can also be as covert as “[being] welcome in white spaces when they’re looking for “diverse” voices or when they think they’re doing [us] a favor,” said sexologist Goody Howard.

Realizing that images and communal gatekeeping are controlled by white people causes us to take a step back and think about our relationship to sex as Black people and how Black and brown folx feel left out because of whiteness.

“[We were] raised seeing kink [and sex] through the white-centric lens but never got fully respected in white-centric spaces,” Mrz. Neptune Violet explained. “Being Black and brown in kink and sex spaces is a one-sided relationship which entails having the responsibility of appeasing and supporting the consumer while actively being consumed for their pleasure, rendering us excluded and invisible.”

Cheyenne M. Davis

Part of dismantling that narrative is showing up as your authentic self and taking a stand with other marginalized constituents of the community, said Maddox, a ProDomme and Kink Activist. “As a leather person, I am active in the BDSM community here in NYC, and I show the f-ck up! Seriously. The first step to literally anything getting done is attendance.”

Showing up in ways that defy social norms and gender binaries is a big part of that Mrs. Neptune added. There is power in using one’s identity to eradicate all notions of male and female gender norms and what is socially acceptable and unacceptable by “meticulously slapping indelible new Black paint on old, adored white ways,” she explained. By choosing to own their Blackness and identity as sex and kink-positive individuals, those who are non-gender conforming are not only creating change for themselves but for the community at large.

A number of organizations are also pushing for inclusion of Black and brown people and validation of their experiences. I joined LVRSNFRNDS, (pronounced lovers and friends), a UK-based virtual and in-person group made by Sophie Mona Pagès that’s devoted to creating an inclusive and safe environment for everyone, especially BIPOC folx. As a growing global community for people with diverse perspectives on love, sex, kink, and relationships, Pagès organizes events and group discussions, known as salons, to allow members to gather and share their questions and experiences. Topics range from how to discuss contraception with prospective partners to establishing dominate-submissive dynamics in relationships. A major topic that was both challenging and monumental for the group to tackle was unpacking proper ways to honor and make space for Black folx in sex and kink.

Because “Lack of diversity is a deeply ingrained problem in the poly, kink, and BDSM scenes,” Pagès pointed out, LVRSNFRNDS screens all members and has established user agreements to ensure safety and challenge biases, including those related to race, that exist in the group and beyond. The organization also exists as a resource hub to provide access to marginalized groups that have been denied time after time.

Tired of going to munches and joining groups where there was a lack of people that looked like me or even respected my being, and fed up with being tokenized and having inaccurate judgments passed on me because I’m a Black woman, I realized I needed to create something of my own for the people who share my experiences. I channeled all of my anger and frustration into creating Unveild, an inclusive community for Black and brown folx that are kink and sex-positive. Though still in its beginning stages, the budding community offers educational resources on the different elements of the kink lifestyle and it’s been rewarding to see so many people of color respond so positively to its conception and the content that I’ve been creating for it.

Black and brown folx deserve the world. We deserve to fully experience all parts of our pain and pleasure and to be able to exist in and use sex and kink as a means to explore ourselves and our desires. Sexual liberation starts within. It begins with understanding religious and conservative occidental views on sex, desire, and pleasure. And it’s paramount that we have these hard conversations in order to destigmatize the societal taboos that have been placed on us. Raising awareness on kink and sex as it pertains to Black and brown individuals boils down to acknowledging Black folks as sexual beings because, as Dawn put it plainly, “We have sex too, and Black people should be allowed to just be.”

Maddox echoed that sentiment and the sense of urgency in unpacking the shame surrounding sexualities and kink. “It’s time for representation,” she said. “The correct kind.”

For Goody, that means representation of those in the kink community within the larger fight for representation of all Black and brown people.” If we truly are going to normalize and fight for the existence of Black people, we cannot forget Black people that live ‘alternative lifestyles’ as well.”

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Your Guide To BDSM Aftercare

Rule 1: It’s not just for subs.

By Alexis Jones

Before we get into BDSM aftercare, let’s set the record straight about the sex practice as a whole. Yes, BDSM stands for bondage discipline and sadomasochism, but it isn’t the violent and harmful sort of kink that pop culture and society have made it out to be.

“It’s mostly about sensations—sensory play and or power play,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, of The Intimacy Institute and resident sexologist for Adam and Eve. How does it work, though? Well, couples typically will start by having a conversation about the type of BDSM they’d like to try. Then, they’ll make up a game plan (think: who will be dominant and who will be submissive), which includes talking about their needs, desires, and boundaries, and agree on a safe word. After that, they’ll co-create a play script or ritual that works for both of them, she explains.

“In the terms of agreement, safety and consensus are key,” Sklyer says. Another must? Aftercare. That literally means taking care of one another, emotionally and sometimes physically, after sex depending on what type of play occurred. Remember: BDSM can be emotionally and physically draining. Aftercare (yes, both for doms and subs!), is an important part of healthy BDSM.

Below is everything you need to know about BDSM aftercare, so that you and your partner can both get what you need from the experience.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the physical and/or the emotional care-taking that occurs after a sexual encounter, and more specifically a BDSM encounter. Most BDSM experiences involve adopting fantasy roles, so aftercare is the time for partners to bring each other back to reality and readopt their day-to-day roles with one another. Think of it as reseting your equilibrium, Skyler explains. Though the play portion of the experience might be over, it’s not really over until the aftercare happens.

“If there’s a lot of physical pain play, for instance,” says Skyler, partners might want to be cuddled or wrapped in a blanket, or they might want a warm meal or water. But usually, aftercare involves reflective conversation. This is the opportunity for partners to be vulnerable with each other, debrief, and zero in on each other’s emotional needs.

Questions might look like this:

  • How did that go for you?
  • Did we need to use a safe word? If so, why?
  • Where was the boundary that got hit?
  • Was something triggered or activated?
  • If you didn’t use a safe word, how did it go for each person?
  • What was really exciting?
  • What was safe?
  • What do we want to keep as part of our repertoire?
  • What would we want to ditch for the next time?

Who needs aftercare?

Oftentimes it’s the submissive who needs a little extra aftercare, according to Skyler. But it’s important for aftercare to go both ways. Just like it may be difficult or draining for the submissive to be in a powerless position in which they may have been blindfolded or had to beg, it might have been hard on the dominant partner to, say, yell or humiliate their partner (if that’s the type of power-play that was agreed on) and adopt a nature they don’t typically embrace outside of the bedroom.

Is the drop a real thing?

Yes! BDSM kicks up a ton of adrenaline into your system and when the play is done, that adrenaline literally plummets and there’s this sort of undeniable fatigue, Skyler explains, a.k.a the drop.

She compares it to running a marathon. “You get all your adrenaline going and you get to the finish line, then you kind of collapse at the end,” Skyler explains. All the attention to detail, physicality, and focus built up during the play eventually has to come to an end, right? When it does, all the energy in the body will experience a significant slump. That’s why aftercare is so important. These acts of self care and support will bring your body back to “normal” by reestablishing balance.

Gotcha, now what does aftercare look like exactly?

Aftercare is personal to each person, but overall, it involves anything that will simply make partners feel good. Following the all-important conversation about how the sex play made you feel, partners might do things to continue supporting one another and reset the nervous system, says Skyler.

The list of aftercare activities can look something like this:

  • Have a bath
  • Spend time alone
  • Drink a cup of tea
  • Get a good night’s sleep
  • Get wrapped up tight in a blanket
  • Cuddle with a partner
  • Take a refreshing walk outside
  • Watch a movie
  • Cuddle with pets
  • Journal
  • Reflect together

Should I follow up after the aftercare?

Depends. Sometimes partners will be ready to process everything immediately following the sexual BDSM encounter, while other times, partners will need a day or two to reflect on what they liked and didn’t like before talking it out. In other cases, partners might want both because they remembered something they really enjoyed about the sex play that they forgot to mention or they just want to double check on their partner.

Sometimes the aftercare follow-up involves a third party. When partners are struggling to do aftercare and reflect on what went well, what didn’t go well, and find out what the right mix is together, they might want to consider bringing in another person in a therapeutic setting, Skyler explains. But ultimately she warns: “It’s not smart to play, unless you know how to communicate about the play.” So before you jump into your next BDSM experience, make sure you’re willing to engage in aftercare. Remember: A little TLC never hurt anybody.

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