What Is a Safe Word, and How Do You Use One During Sex?

A simple “stop” might not cut it. Here’s why.

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Sex is hotter for everyone when all parties can relax knowing they’ll stay inside their comfort zones. One way to ensure in advance that everyone will say comfy is to establish a safe word: a word that, when said, signals for the sexy activities to stop.

“A safe word is a word (or a system of words) that helps you communicate your sexual boundaries,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay and sexpert for Lovers. Safe words are often used in BDSM play, but can be used in other forms of sex, as well.

When someone uses a safe word, it signals to their partner(s) that they need to stop what they’re doing and check in with that person, according to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly. Knowing that this system is in place helps people feel safer exploring kinks and fantasies that they might not otherwise.

How to Use Safe Words

Safe words are often used in scenes involving domination and submission so that the sub can let the dom know when they’re approaching their limits, says sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey.

If a scene involves pain, a safe word may indicate that you’ve reached your limits for how much pain you want to experience. It could also indicate that you’re experiencing emotional discomfort, says psychotherapist Frank Thewes—for instance, if you’re feeling triggered by something that’s happening or it just feels like it’s happening too fast.

“You can use your safe word any time you want to stop or take a break,” O’Reilly says. “Simply utter your safe word and play should stop. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, or changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing—or opt to stop playing altogether.”

Safe words are especially helpful in scenes that involve consensual non-consent play—that is, performing resistance as part of a kink when, in reality, you are consenting. In these cases, saying “stop” could be part of the scene, so someone might want another word that actually means “stop.”

“For instance, in a role-play situation where one partner is playing a dominant teacher and the other partner is playing a submissive student, the sub can act as if they’re resisting the encounter by saying, ‘No, I can’t do that! I’m not a bad girl/boy!’ as part of the scene, while the scene continues,” O’Reilly explains. “Similarly, in a scene that involves caning or flogging, the sub can whine and squirm and yell, but the dom knows that the sub is enjoying it unless they use the safe word.”

But safe words aren’t just for BDSM. “People who have an established safe word might also use it during vanilla play to signal that they have an urgent need that must be addressed,” says Carey—for instance, if you’re uncomfortable and need to change positions, if you’re feeling uneasy, or if you need to go to the bathroom.

Examples of Safe Words to Use

One system created within the BDSM community involves using three words, Stewart explains: “green” means “keep going,” “yellow” means “slow down,” and “red” means “stop the scene.”

Another approach is to pick just one word that means “stop.” It can be any word, but the key is that it’s not a word you would use otherwise; you don’t want there to be any confusion about why you’re saying the word. It should also be something that’s easy to remember and say even if your brain is a little fuzzy, says Carey. Some examples, she says, might be “pineapple” or “elephant.”

Stewart suggests using a word that’s a turn-off for the people involved so that it’ll stop everyone in their tracks, perhaps bringing humor into it. “Mine would be something like ‘all lives matter’ or ‘Trump smegma,’” she says. “It would invoke some type of disgust or emotion. The best words are the words that you and your lover decide together and may be equally emotional for you both.”

The specifics of the word aren’t too important, though. “Any word can be used as long as it is agreed upon ahead of time,” says Thewes. “The word used doesn’t matter as much as the word being respected.”

How to Establish a Safe Word

“You can establish a safe word at any time; however, typically, people establish safe words before they enter into a sexual relationship,” says Stewart. “You can bring it up to them in a casual setting, such as dinner or watching television, and frame it in the context of wanting to try something new.”

For instance, Stewart suggests, you might bring up the idea of blindfolding your partner, then say, “To make sure that we’re safe, let’s establish a safe word just in case you’re feeling uncomfortable, so that I know and we’ll stop what we’re doing. Does that feel good to you? What word would you like?”

Before throwing yourself into the action, it’s helpful to do a practice round where your goal is to say the safe word whether you actually need to stop or not, says Carey. This way, “the sub has a sense memory of having said the word, so they know they’re able to do it in the midst of play,” she says. “This is important because some people become non-verbal when they’re in sub space, so if the sub realizes they can’t verbally safe-word, they need to adjust their system.”

Doing a trial run also lets the dom see whether the sub is able to effectively communicate their boundaries, Carey adds. “If the dom doesn’t trust the sub can safe-word, they can’t trust any of the signals they get.”

In addition to establishing a safe word, it’s helpful to establish what the sub would like to see happen after they use it. Some subs, for example, will appreciate an aftercare routine, says Carey, which could include cuddling, talking about the scene, or having a drink or snack.

Alternatives to Using a Safe Word

There are some instances where safe words won’t be effective, such as when someone is deaf or hard of hearing, when someone is gagged or otherwise unable to speak, or when someone is in a mental space where they don’t feel comfortable speaking, Stewart says.

In these cases, you can instead come up with a safety gesture. “Using gestures such as tapping out, a fist, or an open hand can be helpful in conveying the message that you want,” Stewart says.

Another option is for the sub to hold a bell and ring or drop it if they want to stop, Carey says. As with a safe word, the people involved in the scene should establish the gesture in advance.


Whatever the safe word or gesture is, it’s imperative that the sub feels comfortable using it and the dom is open to hearing or seeing it. “If a sub safe-words, the dom absolutely cannot take this as a personal slight and wander away feeling resentful,” says Carey. “It is their responsibility to take care of the sub’s needs in the aftermath of safe-wording.”

Complete Article HERE!

Consensual Non-Consent

— The Misunderstood Paradox of the Kink World

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The world of consensual non-consent (or ‘CNC’ for short) is one that has often been interpreted as a sphere of dangerous, immoral sexual practice. But is there more behind the kink than meets the eye?

As the name might suggest, CNC is a kink that falls under the umbrella of BDSM, in which two or more consenting parties agree to engage in sexual activities that mimic rape. While it may sound shocking to those who aren’t familiar with it, the r/CNC_Connect subreddit, designed for people with an interest in CNC to meet up IRL, has over 50,000 active users.

Some examples of common CNC activities (or ‘scenes’) include:

  • A pre-planned ‘kidnapping’ of the submissive by the dominant.
  • The use of restraints or bondage equipment.
  • Impact, pain, or choking during sex.

In an interview with Vice, an anonymous CNC enjoyer described the appeal of the experience in more detail:

“The point of CNC is a way to have those real feelings in a way that is conscious, intentional, and risk aware. It’s sexual extreme sports”

Likewise, another confided:

“I want to be manhandled, and pinned down, but not choked within an inch of my life. I want to be forced and held in position, but not punched until I bleed. I want to be violated… consensually”

But is there a real danger to be found in encouraging these behaviours? According to psychologists, it’s minimal. As all of these activities are carried out in safe, consensual, and controlled environments, the reality is much further from real instances of assault or rape than it might appear on the surface.

Dr. Leon Seltzer states:

“In such idealized “pretend scenarios,” a woman can experience her rawest, most unconstrained sexuality as fully, wondrously, even miraculously expressed — in no way impeded by any viscerally felt sense of peril. Diametrically opposed to actual rape, the fantasy really isn’t about losing control as such. It’s about willingly surrendering it.”

That being said, research on the topic is far from conclusive. There have been some studies that suggest the consumption of BDSM material can be harmful to long-term mental and sexual wellbeing.

But that still leaves the question: in a world where women are constantly subject to unwanted sexual advances, what is it about CNC that has such a broad appeal? There are a number of potential reasons.

Some speculate that it is a result of the guilt many women are made to feel by a society that only normalizes male sexual attraction. In a similar vein, it could be the opportunity for women, who are expected to appear presentable and pleasing at all times (even during intercourse), to finally let go.

CNC has proven to be beneficial to those who have suffered trauma as a result of sexual assault or rape. The re-enactment of such moments with a newfound sense of control allows victims to reemerge from the scenario in a different state of mind.

Whether CNC is your cup of tea or not, it seems that it’s much less uncommon than you think.

Complete Article HERE!

Everything you need to know about using safewords

They’re essential to any kind of BDSM play.

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If you’ve been reading up on BDSM or any kind of kinky play, you’ve probably seen a lot of discussion about safewords. That’s because establishing a safeword with your partner is vital in making sure the sex you’re having is safe, sane and consensual.

Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight, from Lovehoney, explains everything you need to know about establishing safewords, and using them during sex play.

What is a safeword?

“A safeword is a word or signal that ends BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism) play instantly,” Annabelle says. “It can be any word that isn’t a part of common play speech.”

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Choosing a common word like, ‘Stop,’ is discouraged, as people tend to use stop playfully, and the confusion could lead to play ending when you don’t really want it to, or someone not realising when you do really want it to stop.

Some people may wonder if they really need a safeword. The answer is yes, you absolutely do. “It’s the best way of ensuring you can maximise pleasure without either of you getting hurt – either physically or emotionally,” Annabelle says. “There are people who do not use safewords for one reason or another, but they are taking an unnecessary risk. Why risk it when your health and safety is at stake?”

The traffic light system

The most common safewords are known as the traffic light system. They’re easy to remember in the heat of the moment, and each colour communicates to your partner how you’re feeling.

Red: means stop. Saying this will mean you want your partner to stop everything they’re doing immediately. It should be used when you’re not comfortable, things are getting too much, or you no longer consent.

Yellow (or amber): means slow down. Maybe you liked what they were doing but then it became a little too much. Yellow is basically saying “reel it in a little bit”. It can also mean you’re reaching your limit, or are edging on physical discomfort.

Green: means go for it. Use green if you like what your partner’s doing, you feel totally comfortable, and you want them to continue.

Complete Article HERE!

Dom & Sub Relationships

— Everything You Need To Know

When you think of a dom and sub relationship, your mind might immediately go to Fifty Shades of Grey, but there’s so much more to it than what we usually see in pop culture. A dom-sub relationship is more than the whips, ropes, and role play.

By Stephanie Barnes

What is a dom and sub relationship?

A dom-sub relationship is a common way people who are interested in BDSM and kink may choose to engage with each other. Dom is short for dominant, while sub is short for submissive. These terms describe the two roles that partners may choose to take on within a sexual (or romantic) relationship.

The best way to think of a dom-sub relationship is as “a consensual, eroticized exchange of power,” a definition that was introduced by Cynthia Slater, an early leader in the SF Bay Area BDSM community, according to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D.

Dom and sub relationships are represented by the “DS” in the acronym BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. The power differential between the dom and sub is sometimes memorialized with capital and small-case letters: You will often see the acronym written D/s, Queen notes.

“BDSM can be complicated. But all those terms imply two things in particular: a person who acts on another and/or does things to them, and power exchange,” Queen says.

So, a dom acts upon or does things to a sub. This is consensual and negotiated, such that the acts performed are within the sub’s boundaries of what they would like to experience and within the boundaries of what the dom wishes to do. The notion of power exchange implies relative equality between the two (or more) partners, not a permanent state of inequality since you cannot exchange power if you don’t have some to start with.

“Dom-sub play can involve much more than genital sex (and need not include that kind of sex at all). It can involve service, exhibitionism, the other elements of the BDSM acronym (bondage, discipline aka spanking or impact play, sadism and masochism aka eroticizing intense sensation),” Queen explains. “It can involve pretty much anything, as long as the participants want to do it and it can be contextualized in a dom-sub framework.”

The role of the dom.

In a D/s relationship dynamic, the role of the dominant partner is to hold and exercise the control that the submissive has consensually transferred.

“As a dominant, you enjoy the role of being assertive and direct how the scene plays out. You can look at a D/s relationship like an exchange, between power dynamics,” says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “As a dominant, your role is to lead, guide, protect, enforce, decide, etc. But most importantly, your role is to hold the space of trust and exercise control with responsibility.”

Dom can also be spelled as “domme” if the dominant presents or identifies as femme.

The role of the sub.

As a submissive, your desire is in consensually agreeing to relinquish control and surrender and submit to the direction, leadership, or guidance of the dominant. Menezes says the submissive typically feels empowered by surrender and enjoys giving up control in the agreed-upon scene.

“Surrender requires trust and comes with vulnerability,” she explains. “Trusting the dominant and setting clear agreements around the scene (consent, boundaries, limits, safe words, etc.) are incredibly important.”

Although the dominant partner has the perceived power in the relationship, Menezes notes that the submissive can choose to end the scene or relationship at any point or use their safe word to tap out. “The dynamic of control is only in the dominant’s hands until the context of the scene or relationship ends and/or if either one chooses to end the scene,” she adds.

Types of dom/sub relationships.

Like other relationships, dom-sub relationships come in many configurations. These relationships can be long-term, exclusive, and romantic; long term but poly or kinky friends-with-benefits-style; or one-time things.

Queen also notes that doms are often referred to as tops, while subs are referred to as bottoms. However, it’s a common myth that people are all either tops/doms or bottoms/subs; many people like to play both roles, and those people may be called switches.

Here are a few ways people may engage in dom-sub relationships:

D/s lovers

There are no whips and chains in their toy box, but there might be lots of vibrators. These people have sex the way most people do, but one partner “runs the f–k,” as the charming saying goes. The sub in this scenario finds it exciting to be told to perform sexually and gets off on sexually servicing their dom, says Queen.

Master and servant

This pairing doesn’t just focus on sexual service—many other types of service might be points of focus. Think of the BDSM classic: the sub caring for the dom’s boots and leathers. But in a different context, this could look like laying out someone’s evening clothes and helping them get ready to go out.

Bondage, D/s style

It’s not unusual to see D/s partners who specialize in creating beautiful bondage harnesses or amazing suspension bondage scenarios together, Queen says.

“This kind of play could be done with a stranger—but since a substantial amount of trust needs to be involved, not to mention skill, it can be wise and pleasurable to establish a regular partner for this kind of play.”

Training relationships

In these, the dom treats the sub as a kind of private student—or even as a role-play animal. “My favorite: Puppies and ponies, where the dom sets the training regimen and the sub learns sexual skills,” Queen says.

Keyholders

This is a term associated with chastity play where the key in question is a key to a cock cage or chastity belt, Queen explains. This kind of D/s play involves a sub allowing their dom to tell them when they can touch themselves, have an orgasm, etc.

Caregiver/little

In these relationships, the dom acts in an older caregiver role, such as mother, father, aunt/uncle, or nanny type over a sub who plays a younger role, says Antonia Hall, transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author.

“Age play for the submissive may begin as a baby in diapers with a pacifier, a young child or adolescent. Activities can range from nurturing (bath time, hair brushing) to spanking and punishment. Submissives express an appreciation for being able to get out of their heads and relaxing into somebody else taking care of them,” Hall explains.

24/7

Some people engage in D/s play as a permanent (unless they renegotiate) part of their relationship. Unlike most of the rest of the styles above, in these relationships the roles are generally fixed and don’t involve switching, as the above styles might, says Queen.

Female-led relationships

The term female-led relationship or FLR traditionally describes an ongoing BDSM relationship between a dominant woman and a submissive man. Though as sex educator and professional dominatrix Lola Jean recently told mbg, that definition has been evolving. “FLR can be any relationship that is not ‘male-led,'” she explains. “In its more extreme and perhaps traditional [form], FLR is a relationship where the female, or femme, is the decision-maker for the other partner. This could be anything from their finances to their attire to more menial tasks like chores.”

Tips for exploring a dom/sub relationship:

1. Do your research.

To start, Queen recommends figuring out what kinds of dom-sub styles are out there, what they involve, what you might need to engage in it, and what kind of focus are you drawn to. For this step, read, attend classes, or even seek out mentors.

2. Figure out who you’ll play with.

Who will you play with? Queen says it’s important to ask this question before diving in. Do you have a partner who is likely to want to explore this? If yes, talk to them to see if you can find yourself on the same page in terms of your play style. If you don’t have a partner, this is the phase when you begin to figure out where the people are who want to play this way. It’s a good spot to be in because you can fine-tune your search. Queen also suggests including any potential partners in the research step.

4. Set boundaries and limits.

Have very clearly defined boundaries before beginning dom-sub role play. It is imperative that both the dominant and submissive sit down and go over boundaries and limits. This may include a contract detailing what the submissive is comfortable with and what is off-limits, says Hall.

5. Prioritize safety.

The submissive’s physical, mental, and emotional safety, as well as that of the dominant, is extremely important, Hall notes. “As many dom/domme and sub relationships involve some level of bondage, discipline, caregiving, and punishment, it is the dominant’s responsibility to stay clear of mind, limit drug and alcohol use during role-play, stop the role-play before getting tired, and always be aware of the submissive’s state of being.”

You’ll also need a safe word, even if you aren’t doing the kind of BDSM that requires special gear. Make sure your safe word is a word or phrase that would never come up in ordinary play, so it is immediately clear if either of you is asking the other to stop, Queen adds.

6. Find BDSM community.

All of this is much easier when you have role models and people around you who “get it.” You can also find kink-aware therapists and other professionals, as well as online experts whose classes delve into the emotional space as well as the physical techniques of BDSM and dom-sub play.

The bottom line.

Exploring BDSM, specifically a dom and sub relationship, can be an amazing experience for you and your partner or partners. However, before diving headfirst into anything, do your research and make sure you are comfortable with what will be required of you. And finally, whatever you do, make sure you’re creating a safe, consensual space built on agreements and discussions that honor everyone involved.

Complete Article HERE!

‘Tie me up and call me a good boy’

— The secrets of a submissive man

By

Daniel (not his real name) had not always wanted to be the submissive in a BDSM relationship.

With his ex-partner for a long time, the 30-year-old thought he was happy with his vanilla sex life – but seven years into his once-happy partnership, a small seed previously planted deep inside him had started to germinate.

‘I had watched a lot of dominatrix porn when I was growing up,’ he explains, his voice surprisingly soft over the phone. ‘It was something I had thought about a lot. I knew I was definitely into it, but it was something I had kept to myself.’

Eventually, when Daniel did work up the courage to tell his girlfriend about his sexual preferences, she was left taken aback, with Daniel claiming it was that moment that led to the beginning of the end of their relationship.

‘She just saw me differently,’ he says. ‘Once you tell them, if they’re not into it, you just don’t get along with someone the same way after that.

‘I expected her to understand what I like in bed after seven years together. I was shocked she was less understanding. It was really difficult when we broke up.’

While BDSM has enjoyed more moments in the mainstream than it has previously – with the book franchise (and subsequent film trilogy) Fifty Shades bringing a (largely controversial and problematic) glimpse into a dom-sub relationship to a larger audience – there are still misconceptions, misunderstandings and an element of taboo surrounding men who prefer to be submissive.

A YouGov survey, conducted in Britain, the United States and Germany, found that only 10% of men preferred to be submissive in bed, with nearly twice the number of men wanting to be the dominant sexual partner.

And on the whole, there seems to be a general lack of understanding over what it means to be when you’re a submissive man in the bedroom.

‘A submissive partner, or sub, is anyone who follows the instructions of the other, dominant partner(s) in their life and willingly forfeits their control or power in a relationship or sexual encounter,’ relationship expert for adult toy brand Ricky, Tracey Coates, explains.

‘Playing a submissive role can take many different forms, in and out of bed. You might be quick to associate submission with a gimp suit, or the likes of bondage, domination and masochism. Those are all correct, but there are also a fascinating range of roleplaying scenarios that involve no physical sex at all.

‘Take findom, for instance. Findom, short for financial domination, is a fetish in which money and power dynamics are sexualised and the submissive partner derives pleasure from monetarily supporting the dominant partner through cash, gifts, paying bills and more.’

Daniel’s own preferences as a sub man are gentler than the usual pre-conceived ideas of whips, chains and spanking.

‘I’d want the domme to be in charge and take control, but I want the softer side to it,’ he explains. ‘I definitely like being tied up in the bed, and them just having their way with me.

‘I don’t like being spanked so much, I want it to be a bit more positive. I don’t really like name-calling… I like being called a good boy.’

After breaking up with his ex, Daniel has started to experiment more with his kink; while he has never paid to meet with a dominatrix for sex, he has turned to the internet to meet like-minded people.

‘I tried to use Tinder to meet women, but unfortunately that didn’t really work out,’ he explains. ‘I had some luck on Reddit and its BDSM forums, and there’s a website called FetLife.com, which I tried out for a while.’

While many people may be afraid to meet up with total strangers and allowing them to entirely dominate, Daniel’s experience is that the BDSM community has been largely welcoming.

‘I’ve found it to be really nice compared to all other types of communities,’ he says. ‘They’re pretty welcoming. And if you ask them any type of question, they’re always happy to answer it.

‘Usually when I meet someone random, we only really talk for a little bit. There are sometimes those thoughts when I’m being tied up where I’m like… is this safe or anything. But at the same time, it does give me a rush of excitement.’

It’s this notion of relinquishing control in the bedroom is what makes being a male sub so appealing, says dating expert and matchmaker at Tailor Matched, Sarah Louise Ryan.

‘It’s a power play,’ she explains. ‘The sexual satisfaction from being a submissive comes from consensually relinquishing control in the bedroom in a safe, deeply communicative and highly arousing environment for them.

‘The pleasure for a submissive comes from when endorphins and serotonin are released around the body, a cocktail of delicious hormones, which make anyone feel good, let alone a submissive during sex.

‘Our brains receptors to pleasure and pain are closely wired and so if say a submissive is also a masochist and they are engaging in a power play of impact during intimacy, as submissive’s brain may translate the pain as pleasure, rushing blood around the body.’

It may still be early days for Daniel, who has since had three or four domme-sub scenarios, having broken up with his long-term partner, but almost immediately after entering the world of BDSM he found that he was still in a minority overall.

‘I’ve spoken to a few men who also consider themselves to be subs, and usually they’re struggling with the same type of thing where they have kind of a hard time trying to find someone that is OK with what they like,’ he says.

The perceived small quantity of male subs may stem from how the current cultural dialogue imposes gender stereotypes in which men should be in charge, while women are expected to be submissive.

It’s a toxic viewpoint that can trample on sexual pleasure for both parties, says Daniel.

‘It’s so widely believed and accepted that men like sex and women don’t,’ he says. ‘It’s so wrong in general.’

‘Some males might choose to keep their submissive tendencies private due to the prevalence of toxic masculinity; the concept of how a ‘real man’ should act, look and think,’ Coates agrees. ‘Traditionally masculine traits such as dominance, great sexual performance and strength don’t conventionally fit with being a submissive partner, though there’s nothing to suggest that a submissive partner can’t be great in bed or a strong-minded individual.’

The misunderstandings around what it means to be a male submissive can lead to awkwardness when expressing your kink with a new partner who may not necessarily be part of the BDSM world.

‘Being a submissive male might seem like a tricky subject to broach when you’re dating someone and you might wonder when to tell them,’ says Coates. ‘The truth is, it’s no different than any other type of romantic or sexual conversation.

‘Introducing dominant and submissive roles into a relationship and sexual encounters is not a taboo practice – you will know when it’s the right time to discuss it because you’ll feel open to talking about it, relaxed and trusting in your partner.’

Ryan agrees that it’s vital that there is an equilibrium of sexual pleasure between the two partners.

‘Being open about what you want sexually and what you need both inside and outside of the bedroom is really important,’ she says. ‘Where and who we invest our time, sexual, physical and emotional energy into is crucial to feeling deep sense of happiness, connection and living a conscious life; being transparent about who we are allows for alignment with a compatible other.

‘When we aren’t honest about what we need, want and desire with others or even with ourselves, we lose integrity for ourselves and live a life less than the one we truly deserve; it’s an injustice to ourselves and out of alignment. By being honest about what we want in the bedroom, no matter the kink, fetish or desire is so important to aligning with who we are and living an authentic life.’

For now, Daniel is going to keep exploring his kink in a safe environment, meeting up with women who are more than willing to dominate him – and hopes that eventually, society will be more accepting of men who wish to explore a submissive kink.

‘I don’t ever see myself moving away from being in a sub domme relationship,’ he says. ‘I would just like it to be more accepted. I just think that just because I’m a male, that shouldn’t just mean I’m the dominant one. I would just like to think that males can be submissive if they want to. Women can be dominant if they want to as well.

‘I figured that if I wanted to be happy, I better do what I want.’

Complete Article HERE!

What is spanking therapy

— And how can it help?

by Beth Sissons

Spanking therapy uses spanking as a form of release. People may choose to take part in spanking therapy to release stress and responsibility, explore power roles, or work through negative emotions or trauma. However, there is limited scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.

People may speak with a practitioner for spanking therapy or learn how to do it safely with a partner.

This article looks at what spanking therapy is, what it involves, and why individuals may do it.

Spanking therapy has no exact definition, but people may class it as any form of consensual spanking under BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (SM).

Individuals may also class it as any consensual BDSM spanking to release certain emotions or work through issues, such as trauma.

People may use it for relaxation or the release of power, responsibility, negative emotions, or trauma.

Spanking therapy may be an option for anyone of an appropriate age to take part in consensual BDSM practices.

People may wish to find a spanking therapist or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy with a partner.

According to an article in The Journal of Sex Research, people may engage in spanking therapy for a range of reasons, such as :

  • Power play: People may find it sexually arousing to play with power roles, such as becoming dominant or submissive. Others may also find it freeing to release responsibility and power in a controlled environment.
  • Spiritual experience: Some people report that SM practices alter their state of consciousness, providing them with a sense of connection, wholeness, and mind expansion.
  • Stress release: Individuals may find similar benefits from spanking therapy as those from mindful activities, such as meditation.
  • Escapism or sense of adventure: People may find spanking therapy a way to change their routine and elevate their experience from mundane or everyday matters.

The authors also note that some scientific theories suggest that SM practices, such as spanking, may help some people heal from trauma.

Reclaiming or relinquishing power through the act of spanking may help some people regain psychological control over past traumatic events.

However, a person may wish to consult a mental health professional before engaging in spanking therapy to help heal from trauma.

According to a 2020 article, BDSM, particularly SM practices, may offer therapeutic and soothing effects for some people.

The research also suggests that SM practices may also provide similar psychological benefits as meditation. These benefits may include increased concentration levels, reduced mental activity, and relaxation.

Anecdotal sources also report that spanking therapy may help:

  • relieve stress
  • provide pleasure
  • allow people to gain or relinquish power in a controlled situation
  • process or release trauma

There is little scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.

Research on BDSM practices has shown that those submissive in BDSM had biological changes indicating increased pleasure.

According to spanking therapy practitioners, they may use their hands to spank the lower, inner quadrant of the bottom.

A practitioner may also use a silicone or wooden paddle to create different sensations.

Clear communication is important, so the practitioner understands what people are hoping to get out of the session and the acts with which they can remain comfortable.

A spanking therapy session may involve the following:

  • a warmup session to get the body prepared
  • discussing any injuries or physical concerns
  • what the person hopes to get out of the session, and at what point it will end
  • agreeing on safe words or actions to stop the session at any time
  • whether people will keep their bottom clothed or not

During the spanking therapy, a practitioner may use a hand or paddle to offer different sensations.

After the session, the practitioner will check in with how people are feeling and allow time for them to process the emotions that may have come up.

Spanking therapy requires skill, and people without training may not be able to carry it out safely. However, if individuals wish to try spanking therapy with a partner, they may want to speak with a trained spanking therapist first for advice or training.

People could also learn from sex parties, classes at sex shops, online tutorials, or books.

Discussing consent

Before engaging in spanking therapy or any sexual activity, it is important that individuals discuss consent, boundaries, and expectations with their partner.

Consent is an ongoing process, and a person can change their mind and withdraw their consent at any time.

To ensure those involved are comfortable, people should:

  • talk about the activity
  • check in with each other often
  • ensure that everyone consents beforehand

The following are answers to common questions about spanking therapy.

Is spanking therapy always sexual?

Spanking therapy is not necessarily sexual, and some people may see it in a similar way to other forms of physical therapy. Others may see it as a more ritualistic experience.

According to a 2015 article, people may take part in BDSM activities such as spanking for nonsexual reasons.

Individuals may find it provides a new experience and a release from their everyday selves and responsibilities.

Why might people like being spanked?

People may enjoy spanking for several reasons, such as:

  • the release of power and responsibility
  • relaxation
  • stress relief
  • the release of trauma or negative emotions
  • altering their state of mind

A 2019 study looked at how Canadian university students thought about BDSM practices, with 60% of male participants and 31% of female participants having positive thoughts about whipping or spanking.

Where can a person learn more about spanking therapy?

If people want to learn more about spanking therapy, they may wish to:

  • read articles or books on the subject
  • talk with a sex worker trained in spanking therapy
  • connect with a local or online BDSM community

Spanking therapy uses spanking as a therapeutic method to release stress, explore power play, or let go of trauma.

People can consult a trained spanking therapist for a session or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy themselves with a partner.

Complete Article HERE!

What is Sexual Aftercare?

By Natasha Weiss

We talk a lot about foreplay and what happens during sex, but what we don’t talk about enough is what happens after.

Aftercare is a broad term for how you and your partner support each other and check-in after you’ve had sex. 

Sex can ramp us up and leave us with all sorts of emotions. We may feel energized, or drained – or both. Some people feel exposed and vulnerable, or like their nervous system is ramped up. 

This practice gives you and your partner a chance to regulate, and deepen your relationship.

Sexual aftercare should be thought of as part of your sexual experience, much like foreplay, versus a separate thing after, that may feel like a chore. It’s essential for a healthy dynamic. 

The goal of aftercare is for all parties involved to feel safe and seen, while leaving space to discuss anything that came up during sex.

A Gift from Kink

What is sexual aftercare? The term aftercare comes from the kink community.

Depending on what your flavor of kink is, some minor injuries can occur, which need to be attended to.

The other reason people in the kink world advocate for aftercare is to help support people in any hormonal drops that can occur after such an intimate or intense experience. When adrenaline, cortisol, or oxytocin levels surge, they will also drop. Some people may experience anxiety, shame, or mixed emotions afterward.

Aftercare helps to ease the hormonal crash and helps people to integrate their experiences.

Aftercare for Everyone

Kink can encompass so many things, and even if you don’t incorporate it into your sex life, aftercare is just as important for you.

Aftercare tends to your physical, emotional, and mental needs. Some people may want to add spiritual needs to that list.

While these tips aren’t necessarily exclusive to physical or mental and emotional, here’s a breakdown of some helpful tools to incorporate into your aftercare routine.

Physical Aftercare

First, you’ll most likely want to tend to the physical.

This means rehydrating, and peeing of course to prevent a UTI. For people with vaginas, especially if you are prone to yeast infections, you may want to take whatever measures are needed to avoid irritation. Cleaning up yourself, and any toys used helps to lessen your risk of infection.

What other ways can you nourish your bodies?

You can try a nice calming tea, having a snack, or ordering a hearty meal. One of my favorites is to place an order for delivery and take a steamy shower together while we wait for our feast.

Some people may need space and time apart, while others will want to continue their physical connection by massaging each other, cuddling, and kissing. Both are beautiful, but it’s important to try to manage both partner’s needs. Note that taking space does not mean someone who intentionally avoids connection by rushing out the door, and reaching for a distraction in order to avoid aftercare.

If you know there’s something you or your partner will need afterward, like say chocolate, then try to plan ahead of time.

Mental and Emotional

Physical aftercare feeds into mental and emotional, but they are all equally important.

Some partners benefit from talking about their experience and giving each other positive reinforcement. This can even be a form of sexy pillow talk, where you boost each other up for the fine work you just did.

Hanging out and being mellow is also aftercare! Putting on an uplifting movie, dancing around to romantic tunes, and just basking in each other’s company are all ways to support each other after having sex.

Some people assume that sexual aftercare starts after one or both parties orgasm. Orgasms do not have to be the focus of your sexual encounters, and they are not necessary before engaging in aftercare.

Understanding the importance of aftercare makes sex less goal-oriented, and more about honoring everyone’s needs, and the dynamic of the relationship.

To Each Their Own

You may have a set aftercare routine with your partner that works for you, that’s awesome. Some people want more fluidity and gauge their needs in the moment.

Sexual aftercare is especially important for people who have sexual trauma PTSD – who experienced sexual trauma or abuse in the past. Sex after trauma can be triggering, and survivors may tend to withdraw or dissociate during or after sex. Aftercare gives them sexual trauma therapy which allows them to ground down and be held in a safe, supportive space.

Aftercare can look different for everyone, there’s no one right way to do it. What’s most important is that everyone’s needs are being met, especially if someone is feeling especially vulnerable or exposed.

Solo people or long-distance partners can also benefit from aftercare. Try it yourself next time you have a solo sex session!

Aftercare is important for so many different reasons, but it’s vital to creating a holistic sexual experience, and for deepening intimacy. You and your partner, or partners, deserve to be showered with kindness, affection, and understanding after a sexual experience. Aftercare makes space for all that and more.

Complete Article HERE!

Women on top

— The woman who found BDSM in her 50s

“Sexuality-wise I mostly find people who are not into BDSM boring; they aren’t sexy or open enough for me.”

Anjya is 58, and is always submissive in her BDSM relationships. But she won’t be won’t be submissive to just anyone…

Ever wondered what kind of sex other women are really having? In her book ‘Women On Top of the World’ Lucy-Anne Holmes has collated the true and often astonishingly candid accounts of lust, desire, heartbreak and romantic hope from women, from all around the globe.

Anja, 58, Germany:

I want a real Dom.

I am not submissive to anybody, but I am submissive to those who know how to appreciate my submissiveness. The devotion of a woman or man is a very special gift.

If I meet someone and we go to a beer garden, I won’t say anything. I wait. I want him to say, ‘Okay, we’ll go to this corner,’ and ‘I want to sit here, you go there.’ He could even say, ‘Go to the bathroom, take off your panties if you have them on, and sit without panties,’ and I would do it. That would be very arousing to me.

BDSM is a state of mind, a bond between the Dom and the submissive. It is an interaction of wisdom and wellbeing, a secret together that others don’t know about. We don’t have to do much; it’s about the attention I get and the attention I give him, in being ready for his wishes. This is like a cocoon for me; I feel protected and that’s a very beautiful feeling.

My ex-partner and I would rent a studio room with BDSM furniture for four hours. In BDSM when you play for four hours, it feels like half an hour. One session sticks in my mind. He blindfolded me and tied me up with my arms above my head and my legs spread out. He put out his equipment after I was blindfolded so I didn’t know what was going on. My senses being taken away made my feelings more intense. He put clothes pegs on my nipples, which are so sensitive anyway. I was frightened because I didn’t know what he would do next, and because I knew he was a Dominant-sadist. He had told me that BDSM was his opportunity to let the monster out and live his aggressions in a so-called accepted form of brutality. That’s quite edgy. Maybe it brought something up that I was already feeling about him. There was nobody else nearby; I was completely alone if anything happened against my will.

I started screaming. Blank fear.

Woah.

He was shocked that I was scared. We’d never had that before. He held me. He calmed me down. ‘Breathe, we’ll have a break.’

When we carried on, he beat me with a hand on the arse. I love this, it’s intimate and precise. Pure sensation and arousal through pain. A strong caress. Bam. I love the beautiful spanking sound, full and sexy. The arse gets hot. The hand stays in contact for a moment and the impact wave goes through the whole body. It can really hurt, especially if it’s for a long time on the same spot, and I can start crying. Spanking is the warming-up phase, so I felt a lot of anticipation for what would come next.

“I was fifty when I started to think, What do I like? What are my preferences? I grew up in a tense environment.” Image: Getty

He put me over a box, exposing my arse again. He put his leg between mine to make me spread out. This is a very sexy move. It says, do what I want. Then he used a flogger. At one point he told me to change position. I was so submissive that I felt as though I was in bondage, that I couldn’t move an inch from where he put me. Most of the time in these sessions I don’t think, but then I had the thought, Shit, this is heavy stuff today. I am really under his control. I was amazed at the power.

I was fifty when I started to think, What do I like? What are my preferences? I grew up in a tense environment.

My childhood wasn’t easy as my parents were chronically sick. It was very depressing for me sometimes. War bullshit. Traumatised parents and grandparents.

I was taught nothing about sex so I went to the library when I was fourteen and read everything I could. I started with Masters and Johnson’s texts. It gave me a scientific way to understand sexuality that was fascinating. I used to urinate on the living room floor; it aroused me and doing something forbidden and different gave me a feeling of freedom. I think this was the start of my BDSM. And I remember when I first lived with a man, I made him a boiled egg salad. I peeled the eggs, and then placed them in my vagina before serving him the salad. I never told him I had done that, and I got such a kick from watching him eat it.

Sexuality-wise I mostly find people who are not into BDSM boring; they aren’t sexy or open enough for me and they’re not in contact with their own sexual power and energy.

I think people need to know that female sexuality is for real.

Complete Article HERE!

Why Aftercare Is Important After All Kinds Of Sex

— Not Just BDSM

By Gigi Engle

Aftercare is the time a couple devotes to cuddling, talking, and caring for each other after sex. Aftercare is considered essential following BDSM because it ensures both partners feel at ease and ready to rejoin the real world, particularly after intense kink play.

In my practice as a clinical sexologist, I’m a big proponent of all couples devoting time to post-euphoric aftercare so as to rekindle closeness, regardless of the play they engage in. You may think this is simply “what you do after sex,” but it actually has important implications.

Aftercare makes for stronger emotional bonds.

Couples who practice aftercare will naturally develop closer, more intimate bonds with their partners than those who don’t. After sex, we’re particularly vulnerable. We’re naked, we’ve (hopefully) just had an orgasm, and our bodies are awash in oxytocin and dopamine. We need to ensure that positive state of mind continues. “Everyone feels good when they know their partner cares for them, and what better way to show it than tending to them when they are in a vulnerable post-sex state of mind?” says licensed psychotherapist and couples therapist Pam Saffer, LMFT.

“Prioritizing time [for] aftercare provides space to improve emotional intimacy, sharing and validating positive emotions. It really encourages couples to share open communication and express love [and] kindness toward each other either verbally or through affectionate touch,” adds Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist.

It doesn’t matter if you’re friends with benefits, in a long-term relationship, a one-night-stand, or married; aftercare is still important. While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important. It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.

Take some time to connect with your partner and reflect on everything that happened in a positive, kind way. The kind of relationship you’re in doesn’t diminish the need for making sure everyone feels good about the sex that took place.

It helps relieve underlying sexual shame.

While sex is not shameful and should be enjoyed (safely) by one and all, it can sometimes bring up feelings of shame due to the sex-negative messages many of us faced growing up. While the logical mind tells us that sex is normal and healthy, our subconscious can store these shameful messages. After sex, after that delicious post-orgasmic high, your body can suddenly unearth the subconscious shame. This might be especially relevant if one or more parties was raised within a conservative or religious background

“Part of the point of aftercare is to diminish any post-sexual shame, which can be heightened by sex followed by goodbye, leaving a partner to feel you [didn’t care] for them but only [wanted] sexual gratification,” says Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York–Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. “Women, in particular, have been socialized to feel that [sex for] sexual gratification only is a shameful act. It is, of course, not, but nonetheless, being cared for in some way afterward often mitigates those feelings of shame.”

Aftercare helps to stave off the post-coital blues.

Have you ever felt like crying after sex? You know, when you have a truly amazing orgasm and then feel sad for no reason? This is called “post-coital dysphoria,” or the post-sex blues. It’s believed to come from the euphoric rush and sudden comedown that follows intense sexual pleasure. It is the brain’s way of recalibrating. Research has shown that nearly half of men and women have experienced PCD at some point in their lives.

Aftercare is the salve that soothes these sad feelings. “Sometimes people can feel alienated from their partners after the euphoric feelings from sex wear off,” Shaffer explains. “Aftercare routines can help them to feel close in a purposeful way.”

Have an open and honest discussion about PCD and develop an aftercare routine that makes you feel safe and secure. You might want to cuddle, perhaps you want your partner to stroke your arm, or you might want to have a nice chat or a deeper conversation. “If you know there is something after sex that would make you feel better, then you need to speak up and ask for what you want. Your partner wants you to feel good, and anything they can do in aftercare needs to be communicated and shared with them,” D’Angelo says. 

The bottom line.

Sex is very fun, but it can be an emotionally fraught thing in addition to all the pleasures, so we need to take precautions to ensure that everyone walks away from the experience feeling positive and good about themselves.

Whatever form of aftercare works for you is perfectly fine. Just be sure you have a discussion about it before any sexy time takes place. When it comes to sex, we all deserve to walk out the door afterward feeling emotionally whole and great about ourselves.

Complete Article HERE!

20 Fun Sexual Role-Play Ideas To Tap Into Your Wildest Fantasies

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Ever dreamed of being someone else just for the night? Then sexual role-play may be something you’ll enjoy. If you’re new to the role-play world, here are some ideas for different scenarios to enact and tips on how to initiate a conversation with your partner about trying it out.

How role-play works.

Role-play is when you take on the persona of someone else while having sex. For example, a couple may have sex while pretending to be strangers who met at a bar or acting out a scene where one person is royalty and the other is a servant.

The role-play can be as developed and complex or as simple as you like: You can incorporate costumes, backstories, and music to set the scene, or you can just narrate what you’re doing from a different perspective. The point is just to use your imagination to heighten sexual pleasure, tap into sexual fantasies, and play with creativity and self-expression.

Why you may want to try it.

“Sexual role play can bring elements of play and novelty to a relationship. This is especially rejuvenating when partners feel like they’ve hit a plateau in the relationship,” says therapist Wardeh C. Hattab, LCSW. Using role-play can help you and your partner rediscover the intrigue of your early days together and inject fun back into a sex life that might have begun to feel a little routine.

Role-play is also a chance to step outside of the everyday rules you usually live your life by. “It allows couples to do things they wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing otherwise,” explains sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “If you’re used to asking politely, role-playing gives you the chance to become more assertive and make decisive orders toward your partner. On the other hand, if you’re someone who’s used to pleasing others, role-playing gives you the chance to simply lie down, relax, and take the role of the receiver.”

Moore goes on to say that role-play can be a wonderful way for couples to bond and get closer as “acting out a fantasy builds the anticipation between partners, making sexual encounters more intimate and fulfilling.”

Starting the conversation.

It might feel a little intimidating to bring up role-playing with your partner if it’s something the two of you have never done before. To make it easier, sex educator Niki Davis-Fainbloom recommends bringing up the topic outside of sexual scenarios, “so partners have time to think about it without feeling pressure to do anything right away.”

She also suggests that you consider what scenarios you might be interested in exploring before you bring it up with your partner so that you’re prepared to answer their questions and explain what you might be into.

It’s also important to keep in mind that discussing desires related to role-play should be a series of discussions rather than a one-and-done situation, says Hattab.

Role-play ideas and scenarios to consider:

1. Strangers

“This is an enjoyable scene to explore for folks who are aroused by the concept of having sex with a stranger but perhaps may not want to deal with the risks of actually doing it,” says Davis-Fainbloom. You might even try dressing up, meeting in a new environment, and trying not to break character for it to be as effective and as hot as possible.

2. Nurse and patient

This role-play is great for people who want to play with dynamics of care. If you’re generally into being attended to by your partner, then a nurse-and-patient role-play scene might be fun for you to try. You might also just have a thing for sexy uniforms, in which case this one can be perfect for you.

3. Cheaters

In this scenario, you and your partner are cheating on your spouses left back at home while you rendezvous at a hotel in the middle of the day. Add extra flavor to this one by actually checking into a hotel and making a real weekend of it. This one can be hot for people who are monogamous and are craving a feeling of novelty.

4. About to take off

More nuts anyone? “In this one, the passenger and flight attendant have been making eye contact and flirting all throughout this overnight flight. Now that it’s 1 a.m. and most of the passengers are asleep, it’s time to see how friendly the skies can really be!” says relationship and sexuality coach Prandhara Prem. This role-play is great for people who like to break rules and have sex in unexpected places.

5. Maid

Maid-themed role-plays are great for those who like to be in charge and make their partners service them. “You can get the maid to clean a room for minutes on end, making her bend over, kneel down, and all that good stuff,” says Moore. Invest in a cute little maid’s costume for an extra kick.

6. Someone you know

Maybe you’re the hot barista at the coffee shop, or that girl you both met at that party one time. Whoever you are, make sure you’re both on the same page about whether your relationship can handle it, says Hattab. Choose someone with a safe amount of distance. This role-play has endless possibilities, and it’s perfect for bringing out sides of you that you are usually too shy to explore.

7. Teacher and student

While entirely unethical in real life, this scenario can be really hot when played out as a role-play. You might be drawn to a teacher-student dynamic if you’re generally hot for authority figures or always had a crush on your teachers back in the day. Get ready to be punished for letting the dog eat your homework. “And if you want the idea to be even kinkier, you can make it a religious school,” says Moore, adding for a little storyline flavor: “You’re still a virgin after anal sex, right?… Right?

8. Hypnotic love

“In this role-play, one person can be a hypnotist and the other will be hypnotized. The hypnotized loses control of their actions. This is perfect for someone wanting to get over inhibitions or push their personal boundaries,” recommends Prem.

9. Electrician and housewife

Ring, ring. Who’s at the door? Oh! It’s the electrician who comes to service your appliances and…you. A role-play involving a worker and a housewife is suited to people who are turned on by trade uniforms and fantasies of being ravished on the couch before their husband gets home. Or maybe even for people who have cuckold fantasies and dream of coming home to their wife being ravished…

10. Masseuse and client

“I’ve seen so much massage porn that I’m often surprised when my masseuse rubs the tension out of my neck and sends me on my way,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This scene would suit someone who is really turned on by “extended foreplay, erotic massage, and bending the rules,” she says. Try to make the environment feel as different as possible from your everyday environment, play around with enticing scents, and make sure the masseuse takes their time before hitting the best spots.

11. Pizza delivery

A classic of the genre, you open up the door, and the pizza delivery person is hot as hell. Unfortunately, you don’t have any cash on you… This role-play is exciting for people who are into the idea of exchanging sexual services as payment or just putting a sexy twist on a common, real-life interaction.

12. Lost in space

Picture the scene: You’re the only two people left on a far-flung planet. The survival of the human race depends on you screwing as much as you can. Quick!!! This role-play is fun for people who are adventurous and like to dress up. The possibilities for space-themed sexy outfits are endless.

13. The shakedown

One of you is a guard, and the other is suspected of smuggling contraband. The guard is determined to find the hidden goods, while the other is making them difficult to be found. “But the officer is determined and will stop at nothing,” says Prem. This role-play is perfect for those who are turned on by a good old-fashioned power struggle. Do you usually gravitate to power play? Then this one’s for you.

14. Boss and worker

A sexual relationship between a boss and employee absolutely crosses the line in real life, but the taboo can make for some hot fantasies behind closed doors. “There’s no denying it—role-play is a powerful place to explore power dynamics,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This type of scene can be particularly ideal for someone who is interested in BDSM but hasn’t known how to take the plunge. She suggests alternating between the roles of dominant and submissive to see which one works best for you.

15. Landlord and tenant

It’s the last of the month, and the rent is due, but you and your landlord have a special arrangement… This role-play is another one that’s based on power dynamics, just like boss and worker.

16. Pin me down

In this role-play, you both pretend to be pro wrestlers trying to get each other on the floor. You can wear slinky little wrestler outfits and even have a wrestler persona and new name. This role-play “gets the blood and adrenaline moving,” says Prem. “Anyone feeling touch-deprived or sad can do this for a boost or quick pick-me-up.”

17. Age play

For this one, you can play around with calling your partner Daddy or Mommy or set up a scenario in which you’re finally left alone with your hot stepmom at the weekend… This role-play is ideal for people who are turned on by age gaps or who long to feel looked after or want to express nurture through sex.

18. Royalty and servant

“[This is] the perfect scenario for couples with a royalty kink, especially those who want to class up their Dom/sub dynamics,” says Moore. “You can dress up as a Renaissance royal and have your loyal servant feed you, serve you wine, and have [anything else you] want.”

19. Grocery store meet-cute

Your hands touch across the last loaf of bread, eggplant, or almond milk. You run back to the parking lot and screw in the car because you just can’t wait to have each other… This role-play is fun for people who fantasize about having sex with strangers or who are turned on by spontaneity or exhibitionism.

20. Whatever you want!

The sky is really the limit when it comes to role-play. If you can think of it, you can play it. Take inspiration from your favorite TV shows, musicians, artists, porn scenes—anything at all can be given a sexy twist.

Tips to keep in mind.

Setting boundaries is of the utmost importance when experimenting with role-play, says Prem. Spell out to your partner what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Establish a safe word before beginning that you can use to come out of the scene if you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

Being really clear with your partner about which aspects of a role-play scenario turn you on can help both of you to glean more pleasure from it. “An open discussion of the fantasy may help the partner understand what aspect means the most in role-playing to the other person,” Hattab adds. “A partner who is less interested in role-play may be open to it with some more understanding of why their partner has this fantasy.”

Make sure you’re on the same page before diving in. A scenario in which you’re the doctor and your partner is the patient, for example, could have myriad different ways of being played out. Establish a framework together for what things are off-limits and what things you both think are sexy.

The bottom line.

Like any other sex game for couples, role-play can be a really fun way to get to know your own desires. When you’re playing at being someone else, you can feel free and uninhibited in a way that can sometimes be hard to access in everyday life. Dirty talk might feel easier, and unexplored kinks might come to the surface. As long as you and your partner keep the lines of communication open, a little acting might just bring you and your partner to new sexual heights.

Complete Article HERE!

A Beginner’s Guide to Kinky Sex

If you’re turned on but intimidated by the complex lingo, etiquette, and array of fetishes out there, let us gently domme you through the basics.

by Reina Sultan

A lot of time can pass between the moment people discover they’re turned on by kink and when they actually act on that. I should know: In high school, I avidly read smutty BDSM fanfics on Tumblr, and it emboldened me to ask the very first guy I had sex with to choke me in bed. He said no, fearing he might “crush my larynx.” Bummer.

For six years after that “no,” I tried to forget I was into kink for a few reasons: I didn’t know how to find people who would choke me, plus I felt some basic shyness about getting into a scene with intimidatingly complex lingo, equipment, and social codes—especially when that scene involved scary-looking floggers and chains.

It took the boredom and voracious horniness of Pandemic Winter 2020 for me to live out my submissive fantasies. I started talking to a guy on Instagram I had mutuals with, but had never met. He sent me spanking videos, and after some back and forth, he invited me over to do a kink scene. I wondered whether this spelled murder, especially because I’d be going to his literal basement but, touch-starved, I said yes. (And then changed my mind and said no. And then said yes again.

I hadn’t even asked around about him, so I was very lucky he was a chill, respectful person and a hot partner. That first time, we explored sensation and impact play. As we kept seeing each other, he taught me more about kink, like how to figure out the specifics of what I was into and safely practice BDSM. But there was still so much to learn.

For newcomers, it can be tough to figure out the rules and etiquette of kink, especially if you’ve mostly encountered it in porn and the occasional Instagram infographic. But through communication, practice, research, and building a kink community, I started learning the ropes (kind of—I only bottom during rope scenes), and the more I learned, the more I liked what I was doing. 

Kinky sex simply requires more thought and planning than vanilla sex. But don’t worry—now I’m here to help you get freaky, too. Learning about the basic tenets of kink will help you have the best possible time when you (finally!) decide to try it out for yourself. OK? Say, “Yes, Mistress.” Just kidding—I already told you I’m a sub.

What is kink?

“Kink” covers subcultural sexual practices like BDSM, fetish play, and role play, as well as the lifestyles and social groups related to them. That’s pretty broad, so here’s a basic—and not at all comprehensive, don’t @ me—list of tastes, terms, and phenomena that are fairly common in the wild and vast world of kink.

  • BDSM. This acronym, which you almost certainly have heard before, refers to “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.” A dominant (which, like “domination,” is sometimes capitalized depending on people’s preferences), is a person who exerts control, like by ordering around their partner. A submissive is a person at the other end of that power exchange who willingly gives up their control. A sadist gets pleasure from inflicting pain, and a masochist likes receiving pain. To read more about BDSM, check out this blog post by one of my faves in the kink scene, Venus Cuffs, whom we’ll hear more from in a bit.
  • A top is a person—not necessarily a dominant—performing an activity: They’re usually the one tying the ropes and spanking the butts. A bottom is a person—not necessarily a submissive—having an activity done to them: being tied up, getting spanked. Switch/vers refers to someone who both tops and bottoms or can be both dominant and submissive. These terms are used in many contexts outside of BDSM too, particularly if you’re queer—read more here!
  • A scene refers to a kinky experience or session, which you can have more than one of during a given encounter or party. If you got spanked for 20 minutes or tied up and teased with a sex toy, those things would be considered scenes.

Let’s talk about some common fetishes. This is a fun A–Z list of kinks and fetishes. It’s not all-inclusive: Any hot thing you’re fixated on can be its own fetish, so don’t despair if yours isn’t on that list or the one included just below. It’s just good to have a place to start in terms of what you might come across as you go.

  • Impact play is focused on a top striking a bottom’s body with their hands or implements like canes, paddles, floggers, or whips. Here’s a guide to safety during impact play.
  • Rope bondage refers to the practice of restraining or binding someone with rope, which is not necessarily always Shibari (and doesn’t need to be). Shibari refers specifically to a type of rope bondage which originated in Japan. I highly recommend researching Japanese Shibari educators and practitioners to understand how to respectfully engage in Shibari. Whatever you’re doing, read up on rope safety practices first.
  • Sensation play is when the goal is arousal or stimulation through senses (like playing with ice, Wartenberg wheels, or hot wax). Seek out a safety guide for whatever you’re doing—you should look for sources that outline actual health risks, not just, “Here’s what feels good and what doesn’t.”
  • Sharps play involves, well, sharp stuff like needles, knives, or scalpels. Obviously, you’ll need to know a little more about mitigating risks if this is what you’re into—start with this Healthline guide.
  • Breath play involves restriction of oxygen. Look up how to minimize risk before choking of any kind.
  • Edge play refers to especially high-risk play of any kind, like rope suspension, knife play, or needle play. 

How can I find out more about what kinks I’m into?

People get into kink through porn, social media, sexual experimentation, fanfics, and beyond. There’s no shame if you read or watched 50 Shades of Grey and got curious! (Just know that the books and films are filled with inaccuracies about BDSM, consent, and safety practices.)

Reeru, a 32-year-old sadist top in Brooklyn, found out he was kinky when a partner used restraints on him. “I was teased until I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said. Reeru freed himself from the restraints and took the dominant role, which he said “awakened that part of [him].” Afterwards, he sought out kink more straightforwardly.

Like Reeru, you might come to kink through sex, but plenty of people also (or exclusively) consider kink a form of self-expression. Venus Cuffs is a New York–based dominant working in nightlife who uses she and they pronouns. Cuffs uses kink to subvert society’s racist definitions of her. “[In my daily life,] I was expected to be angry—to be a mammy, take care of everyone, be submissive, and be a servant. To never truly have any power,” they said. Through BDSM, she said, they’re served and honored by men instead.

To investigate what makes you feel turned on or otherwise piqued: Read books about kinky sex and see what makes you horny as you read. Watch kinky porn. Go to an event to watch kinky performances. Finally, taking the famous online BDSM test can point you toward what you might like—it’s kind of cringe and hilarious, but I don’t know anyone in kink who hasn’t taken it at least once, even just for fun.  

How do I find kinky people?

Plenty of people enjoy kink with their usual romantic and sexual partners. But you can also look into dedicated communities if you’re hoping to dip your toes (or whatever body parts you like) into local and online kink scenes. 

Many people recommend starting by exploring FetLife, a kinky social network. Some disclaimers: It’s not very user-friendly—its interface looks and is almost charmingly bad—and, as on any platform, some users are rude or bigoted. Still, FetLife is the only platform of its kind, and it remains one of the better ways for newcomers to find people and events.

For one-off encounters, dating apps can be useful. Feeld, which is marketed to people seeking group sex, is particularly kinky compared to other apps, but you can find potential partners on the more general and popular apps. I’m currently in my “off again” phase with apps, but this is usually my bio (go ahead and roast me): “I’m a non-monog masochistic bottom looking for new connections. Into impact play, plants, my cats, police/prison abolition, and bruise pics.” Feel free to adapt it based on what you’re into.

How do I vet partners?

Remember how I turned up to a stranger’s basement with no idea what I was doing? Don’t be like me! I’m lucky everything turned out OK, but kink can be physically and emotionally risky. Look into potential partners—and, ideally, meet in public—before they tie you up and spit on you (or vice versa). 

When I’m talking to new people about playing together, I ask them how long they’ve been doing the activity at hand and what their skills are. Understanding more about a partner’s history and qualifications can help prevent mistakes and injuries—for instance, a top should be able to tell you how they plan to keep you both safe. Exploring with an inexperienced partner who wants to learn can be OK, but less so if you learn they’ve never tied anyone up before when you’re already suspended from the ceiling.

I ask people I’m vetting how they define consent and to describe their risk profiles (this is a common kink phrase covering how intense a person is willing to get during rough play). If that feels right, I check their social media accounts for red flags—have they posted about having no limits or hating safe words?—and I ask my community members what they know about the person. Ideally, I’m able to speak with a previous partner to confirm that things went well. (That’s right—I ask for kink references, and you should, too.)

It’s not possible to do this deep of a dive at parties, but before tying with a rope top at an event, I ask what they know about preventing nerve damage and where and when they learned to tie.

If I’m comfortable with their answers, we keep talking—most of the time. Sometimes nothing comes up that’s a problem, but something you can’t quite put your finger on gives you pause. Trust your gut! If someone feels off, they might not be dangerous, but they’re probably not for you.

What if I’m looking for a professional to teach me about kink?

People explore kinks with professional dom(me)s, submissives, and fetish providers for a low-stakes way to get a little experience before seeking out unpaid partners. Mistress Danielle Blunt, who is a professional Dominatrix, said, “Hiring [a professional] can be a great way to explore kinky desires for newbies, because it takes the pressure off having to navigate something that can be scary or feel shameful with a partner.”

Some people, like me, just prefer working with pros. Bottoming for rope can be dangerous, and since I’ve researched the risks, I almost exclusively tie with people who get paid to know what they’re doing. Knowing I’m in good hands, I can get into a juicy, wonderful space when I’m being suspended—one that feels full of catharsis and release.

People can hire pros for so many things: A client might want someone to top them in spanking scenes. They might want to learn how to tie rope themselves, or for someone to teach them proper ball-busting technique. Whatever it is people are doing while working with professionals, they’re expected to be respectful of their boundaries, time, and rates.

How can I tell if a kink event is safe?

First, let’s talk about what kink events and parties even are. Events aren’t always orgies. You might also come across performances, workshops, mixers, classes, and play parties. 

When you see parties advertised online, look for two acronyms:

  • RACK, which stands for “risk-aware, consensual kink,” and means all parties agree to understand and consent to the risks in any activity.
  • NMIK, which stands for “no minors in kink,” as in, don’t engage in kink with minors or let minors attend kink events!  

Before any kind of party, organizers might throw “munches,” which allow you to meet people in expectation-free settings prior to partying together. Munches can happen just before an event that includes touching or sex, or completely separately. They generally occur in public places (or virtually) and people attend without their whips, and with clothes on.

Whether you’re at a munch or looking into an event independently: Ask organizers about consent practices. A zero-tolerance policy for violations is great, but get specific. What happens if someone reports that happening?

Reeru suggested more questions to guide your decision-making about event safety:

  • “Are there dungeon or consent monitors present and easily identifiable?” (“Dungeons,” by the way, are established BDSM spaces.)
  • “How do you vet performers, professionals, and guests?”
  • “Are people using drugs or alcohol?”
  • “Are safer sex practices being observed?”
  • “Are vaccinations mandatory?”

If organizers don’t have good (or any) answers, steer clear. However, if you mostly like an event, but notice something is lacking or vague, bring it up! If they’re amenable to making changes to prioritize people’s safety and comfort, that’s a really good sign.

How should I act at kink events?

The first way to fit in at a kink event happens before you get there: Follow directions about what to wear. Generally speaking, jeans and a T-shirt are too casual. Think more Euphoria vibes. Many, if not most, parties require you to turn a look within dress codes like fetish gear or formalwear—I’ve seen a Moulin Rouge theme, and people love latex-and-leather parties. Check with coordinators or reread the description to make sure you’re dressing the part.

As with their dress codes, each event is going to vary in terms of what’s socially expected and acceptable. If you have questions about what is or isn’t OK, ask an organizer.

One thing holds true everywhere you go: Behave respectfully. As Venus Cuffs said, “BDSM does not exist without consent, which should be the foundation of all your play. There are no exceptions to this rule—without it, it’s abuse.” This is true of all kinds of kink.

Ask before touching anyone or any toys or equipment. Don’t interrupt while people are mid-scene. Keep a safe distance when watching a scene so you don’t accidentally get hit or make anyone uncomfortable.

What does “negotiating a scene” mean, and how do I do it?

“Negotiation” is a before-scene discussion about participants’ needs, wants, and limits. (Yes, another one!) This conversation varies depending on the scene and partner. If you’re new partners, a negotiation might be extensive, since you’re learning about each other for the first time. If you’ve already been together, you might ask fewer questions or just make sure what you discussed last time still applies. 

Lots of negotiation questionnaires and sheets are available online, but these premises are usually part of all of them:

  • Soft limits are acts and types of kink that you generally don’t want to do, but could be flexible about with the right person, at the right time. One of my soft limits is needle play, which can involve being pierced with gauge needles. I don’t usually want to do it, and I would never do it during my first time with someone—but I’ve tried it, and I would again under proper conditions.  
  • Hard limits are definite nos. One of mine is race play: Under no circumstances will I engage in kink based on racialized power differentials.
  • Safe words are codes that can pause or stop play. Some people don’t use “no” or “stop” because it can be part of pre-negotiated play to feign resistance (hot), and you don’t want someone to actually stop when you’re having a good time (not hot). Like many newcomers and experienced people alike, I use stoplight colors: “yellow” to indicate I’m approaching my limits, and “red” when I need a full stop.

People can have intense reactions during scenes, even if they think they’re ready for what’s coming and have safe words in place. Sometimes, things can become triggering, or people can become non-verbal. Talking through this in advance can prevent harm in the moment when emotions are high. For example: If you start crying, is that an automatic end to the scene? Is it OK for your partner to just check in?

Mistress Blunt suggested trying these questions as you negotiate:

  • “What does aftercare—what people do to ease out of kink and into the regular world—look like for you?”
  • “Do you like to be checked in on after a scene?”
  • “What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel unsafe?
  • “What should we do if something goes wrong?”
  • “Is there anything I should know about your body or mind?”

Negotiation is just as much about talking through what you like and want to do, which is also really fun. Once you’ve got the above information in place, be sure to focus on pleasure for a while.

How do I reduce physical risks?

Before trying out a new kind of kink, you absolutely have to do your research about the risks involved and best safety practices. Look for both guides and medically sound information about physical risks—you might search online for terms like “how to safely spank someone” or “what are the risks associated with rope bondage?” Read as much as you can, and err on the side of credible medical and health information websites rather than forums or blogs.

If you’re doing a rope scene, learn to identify the signs of nerve damage (even if you are bottoming and don’t know how to tie). If you’re planning to do impact, learn how not to get hit where there are vital organs (avoid the lower back and protect your kidneys).

Before each and every scene, all parties involved should be able to check in with themselves about those risks to see if they are in the mental and/or physical place to engage. Even if some of us are bimbos who like to be degraded, bottoms aren’t just passive participants. Ebibex, a Baltimore-based rope and sharps bottom who’s using a pseudonym for this article, said, “This idea that bottoms are interchangeable bodies, who just ‘look pretty’ in rope, or unskilled recipients, is both harmful and insulting.” In good kink scenarios, bottoms will be as much in control of being safe during a scene as tops are.

You can also reduce harm by choosing not to use drugs or alcohol before and during a scene. This is ultimately up to you, but at least starting your kink journey sober is usually a good idea.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the time following a scene when people are returning to “normalcy.” Some people like physical closeness and snacks. Others might shower together or give each other massages. Some people might not want to spend time together at all. That’s all fine, as long as it’s discussed beforehand.

Aftercare doesn’t have to end directly after the scene. Many people like hearing from their partner a day or two after a scene. Ebibex, the  said she likes “talking to and debriefing with anyone I’ve played with—what we liked, what could be different.” This can also mitigate “drop,” which refers to negative feelings that can arise in the days following an encounter. Drop isn’t always preventable, and that’s OK! I receive incredible aftercare and sometimes still drop. In those times, I eat chocolate and watch feel-good movies. I also reach out to my top and let them know I’m feeling bad, and talking often helps.

Postgame communication can help people deal with consent violations or injuries, which can happen even among the most well-intentioned or experienced players. Part of harm reduction is to be prepared for these scenarios, and to know what to do after something has gone wrong. If you’ve gotten hurt or had your consent violated, what do you need or want from the other person? If you hurt someone or violated their consent, how will you show up and respect their wants and needs?

Even when a scene goes perfectly, it’s good to check in and to feel that your safety—and your pleasure—is valuable to your partner, and vice versa.

Complete Article HERE!

7 Steamy Items To Add To Your Sex Bucket List

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By Molly Longman, Kasandra Brabaw

If you have sexual fantasies you’ve never acted on, don’t worry — you’re definitely not alone. Even the sexually adventurous among us can’t possibly have made it through every possible sexual scenario. There are countless sex positions, locations, kinks, and couplings to explore. So, if you’re looking to get a bit more experienced, then it’s time to sit down and write your sex bucket list.

Just like a regular bucket list — which is a check list of experiences you want to have before you die — a sex bucket list forces you to think about what you really want to do in the bedroom. It’s almost guaranteed to make your sex life a little more exciting. Making a list is just the beginning, though. The real fun comes in checking each item off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up some steamy sexual fantasies to inspire your own sex bucket list — and how to actually make them a reality.

Sex At The Office

Despite all of the NSFW warnings that make it clear our minds shouldn’t be on sex at the office, plenty of people fantasise about tossing the papers off of their desk and getting dirty. Sometimes these daydreams involve a partner popping by for a surprise visit and sometimes they involve a coworker. Either way, it can’t hurt to try at least once — just make sure you’re doing it on your own desk, and not invading a random coworker’s space, in a totally empty office.

How to make it happen: Be super clear about lines of consent if you’re going to try this one with a coworker. Being aware of how positions of power can affect consent is always important, but office romances (or hookups) are top of mind in this #MeToo era.

Role-play

Whether it’s fantasising about having a one night stand with a stranger you meet in a bar, or a doctor’s visit taking a turn for the erotic, role-play is the answer. Especially if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, role-play allows you to explore all of your sexual fantasies while staying faithful.

How to make it happen: Float the idea to your partner ahead of time, and ask them to share their fantasy, too.

Having “Anywhere But The Bed” Sex

Sex in your bed is great, of course, but every once in a while it’s fun to switch up the location. Have sex on the kitchen table, against your front door, in the backyard, in your pool, in the car, or anywhere else your imagination takes you.

How to make it happen: The instructions on this one are pretty simple — just do it. But remember, if you have roommates and aren’t into letting them watch, makes sure to plan your “anywhere but the bed” sex for a time when you know they won’t be coming home.

Adding A Third

If you’ve always dreamed about having sex that involves three or more people, you’re not alone. All kinds of people, both queer and straight, have fantasised about having a threesome.

How to make it happen: As magical as threesomes sound, they don’t actually happen by magic. It takes a lot of communication, with your partner if you’re adding a third, with the couple if you’re joining in, or with two people who’ve never slept with each other before. You’ll need to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and make sure everyone involved is excited for what’s about to happen. Still not sure how to make it work? Read these handy tips from people who’ve actually had threesomes — and love them.

Having Sex In A Public Place

Whether it’s in the bathroom at your favourite bar, in a department store dressing room, or behind the bushes on a deserted street, the could-get-caught risk makes public sex way more exciting than your usual romp at home. With that said, it’s not cool to involve non-consenting strangers in your trysts, especially if you’re somewhere they could see you, hear you, or even have to clean up after you.

How to make it happen: Involving other people who did not consent in your kink is not cool. So no, even if sex in a dressing room or some place with a high risk of getting caught seems fun, it’s not okay. Instead, aim for spots that feel public, but don’t put other people at risk, such as in your car in a deserted parking lot, or in a sex club.

Having Sex While Someone Watches

Exhibitionism isn’t for everyone, but some people love the idea of getting it on with a partner while a third person watches (and maybe even masturbates because they find the action so sexy).

How to make it happen: If you live in a city that hosts sex parties, then it’s almost guaranteed that someone will watch. If you can’t attend a sex party, find an adventurous friend who’s willing to join in or put a call out on dating apps. It might take some time to find the right person, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Channeling Your Inner Anastasia Steele

If you’ve heard of 50 Shades Of Grey, then you have at least some idea of what it means to be submissive (though keep in mind that both the books and movies get a lot wrong about kink). Being a submissive essentially means that the dominant partner has control — with your consent, of course. That can mean the dom ties you up, spanks you, denies you an orgasm, tells you what to say, or any number of other sexual acts.

How to make it happen: If you have a partner, start with a conversation. Telling anyone about your kink can be nerve-wracking, for sure, but open communication with sexual partners is the only surefire way to make sure you’re getting what you want in bed. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list so that both you and your partner are able to talk about what you’re willing (and not willing) to do.

If you don’t have a partner, many sex parties have BDSM sections for people who either want to dominate or be dominated. If the idea of a sex dungeon freaks you out, attend a class or information session for a reputable sex party or kink group in your area.

Complete Article HERE!

Why are foot fetishes so common?

A global survey conducted by the sex toy brand Lelo further confirmed that feet are a big deal in the sack, beating out hands, hair and even breasts as the top body part

By

Sexual fetishes are nothing new, but in recent years stigma around them has lifted somewhat.

People are more open to talking about what turns them on, with communities forming on- and offline so that likeminded souls can share their kinks.

In honour of Feet Week, we have looked into podophilia, the official term for foot fetishism.

As with most sexual appetites, there is no one standard – what makes one podophile tick might not work for another.

Some people prefer to involve senses beyond touch – getting turned on by the odour of smelly or sweaty feet – others like seeing a beautiful pair of feet in high heels and some might like to be ‘tooed’ (the foot version of fingering).

Scientific research around this fetish is severely lacking, as much of it is connected to singular cases, as opposed to studies with multiple participants, which give a wider overview of why some people get frisky at the thought of feet.

But there is some insight. One study from 2007, which looked at the frequency of fetishes and involved 5,000 participants, showed that ‘feet and objects associated with feet were the most common target of preferences’.

So if you like sucking on toes or kissing your partner’s ankles, you’re not the only one.

Other findings reveal a (somewhat loose) link between foot fetishes and a person’s childhood, with studies into children who are obsessed and/or (physically) aroused by feet.

A foot fetish doesn’t necessarily have to be about the body part in itself, but rather what it represents – its position, i.e. at the bottom of a person’s body. Feet are used in dominance play, and in this scenario, the sexual arousal could be a result of the humiliation or submission associated with our trotters.

A global survey conducted by the sex toy company Lelo further confirmed that feet are a big deal in the sack, beating out hands, hair and even breasts as the top body part.

‘As far as we can tell, it’s always been common, and references to it appear in early literature and art across the world,’ says Stuart Nugent, the brand’s sex expert.

‘The third century sophist Philostratus wrote in a love letter, “O feet unfettered! O unhampered beauty! Thrice happy me and blessed, if on me ye tread!” 

‘The reason why foot fetishism is so popular (and, yet, so under-discussed) is argued energetically by any number of specialists from all clinical backgrounds. ‘

According to Stu, there are three common lines of thought to explain our obsession with feet: the psychological, neurological and biological.

He explains: ‘A psychological school of thought suggests feet become fetishised because of early childhood imprinting and conditioning, where sexual responses are paired with non-sexual objects, like feet, very early in a person’s psychosexual development.

‘A neurological theory suggests that podophilia might develop because the feet and genitals occupy adjacent areas in the brain’s somatosensory cortex, and there might be some sort of neurological wires being crossed.

‘There’s even a biological theory that the characteristic scent of feet can trigger a hormonal reaction in some people. The truth is that the cause of foot fetishism is likely to include many different elements. 

‘Whatever the reason or the cause, there seems to be one outcome that practitioners find particularly attractive: the sensation of dominance and submission that feet represent.

‘This is due to the prevalence of podophiles being straight men worshipping women’s feet: this implies a subversion of traditional sexual and cultural roles which may offer the fetishist a highly sexualised inversion of stereotypes, the subversive nature of which is translated into sexual excitement.’

However, Camilla Constance, a sex and intimacy expert, says that while podophilia is common among men for the domination aspect, this is a Westernised view.

What’s more, our trotters are an erogenous zone, which according to her, is a huge part of the appeal.

‘From a tantric or “wholistic sex” perspective, feet are an incredibly erogenous zone in the body capable of being orgasmic on their own or contributing to exquisite blended orgasms,’she says.

‘A woman-centric approach to sex would always include “foot worship” because feet are a part of her body, all of which would be worshipped.

‘It is only in the narrow, Western model of sexuality, with its emphasis on male erection and penetration, that worshipping feet is seen as odd or kinky in some way.

‘So what is a completely beautiful and honouring act becomes, in our sexually confused society, a “fetish” to hide.

‘What I find interesting in the question is the implied separation of “sexual” parts of the body from “non-sexual” parts of the body, the implication being that feet are not “normally” sexual and thus the foot “thing” must be a recent creation.

‘I would challenge the assumption that we have areas of our bodies that are not sexual.

‘Our entire bodies, including our feet, are covered in networks of nerves that pick up not only touch, but energy, from other people. Feet have a particularly dense network of nerves making them particularly sensitive and potentially orgasmic.’

So, feet could lead to amazing orgasms – that’s one reason to like our trotters.

But Lucy Beresford, a psychotherapist who hosts a weekly phone-in sex and relationships show on LBC Radio, explains that podophilia is a more openly-accepted fetish for the simple fact that we’re so used to seeing this body part.

‘Foot fetishes are one of the more mainstream/popular fetishes mainly because everyone has feet, so we are used to seeing them, unlike whips or restraints,’ she says.

‘Nor do they have the negative connotations of, say, urine. Some people like the feet to be seen in sexy footwear like stilettos or boots, which again are mainstream products, unlike something like hand-cuffs.

‘A foot fetish allows for games of domination or submission to be played out using everyday objects.’

Speaking of objects, if you’re stuck in lockdown with no access to a nice pair of feet apart from your own, you can actually buy foot-themed toys online – including silicone mannequin feet.

Last year, someone took this a step further by creating a ‘foot vagina’ – which works like a fleshlight, so you can essentially have sex with the silicone toy.

If you fancy making a quick buck, you can even sell photos of your feet to others (so long as you don’t mind them using your tootsies as inspiration during wank sessions, that is).

And hey, if the thought of playing with feet puts you off completely, that’s absolutely fine.

Just pop on a pair of socks during sex and your lover will probably get the hint.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Spice Up Your Relationship with Beginner-Friendly BDSM Toys

By Essex Mag

Since the global phenomenon of the 50 Shades of Greyfranchise, BDSM practices have become somewhat mainstream. Once a taboo subject, you can now walk into any sex shop and find couples who want to explore BDSM by browsing through handcuffs and restraint kits or shopping around for the latest must-have ball gag. Not only is BDSM now mainstream, but the expert opinion also concludes that a healthy exploration of BDSM can contribute positively to our wellbeing – and the health of our relationship.

What are the benefits of BDSM?

BDSM has long been thought of as a taboo and scandalous practice, and it only took a Twilight fan fiction to turn this once frowned-upon kink into a celebrated part of mainstream culture. While 50 Shades of Grey might not be an accurate or redeeming picture of BDSM relationships, real BDSM enthusiasts enjoy a range of benefits and positive upshots to their kink:

Better communication

One benefit to exploring BDSM in your sex life is that you learn to communicate better – both inside and outside the bedroom. BDSM is about discipline and control, but also about respecting one another’s limits: when you are able to ask directly for what you want, set your limits, and enforce your boundaries, this creates a healthy framework for the relationship in general. Lack of communication is a relationship-killer, so developing this skill together will enhance your relationship and lessen potential conflict.

Deeper trust

Another relationship-killer is lack of trust between partners, and this is another key relationship milestone that BDSM couples tend to reach more easily than others. BDSM enables you to submit to (or take) control of your partner, and demonstrating this level of vulnerability to another person is not something tobe undertaken lightly. It demands a massive leap of faith for a person to allow themselves to be at the mercy of someone else, especially in a sexual context. If you can trust your partner to respect your boundaries, respect your safe word and also enjoy intimacy together at the same time, it’s natural that a deep and enduring trust will develop.

More satisfying sex lives

In a recent study, researchers found that couples who engaged in “BDSM behaviors” reported higher rates of sexual satisfaction, while those who had sexual fantasies which remained unexplored reported lower sexual and relationship satisfaction. Another study found that BDSM practitioners reported higher rates of relationship satisfaction and relationship security. It seems that BDSM practices help couples connect, communicate, and enjoy overall more fulfilling sex lives. So – how do you incorporate BDSM toys into the bedroom, especially if you’re a beginner?

Best Beginner BDSM Toys: Ball Gags, Handcuffs and More

The best way to start incorporating BDSM toys into your relationship is by using them to enhance what you already love. For example, if you love when your partner dominates you or takes control in the bedroom, why not incorporate a pair of handcuffs to truly enhance the feeling of submission? If you love it when your partner [consensually] puts a hand on your mouth during sex, why not try out a ball gag? This is the purpose of sex toys: to take what you love about sex and enhance it. Here are our picks for the best beginner-friendly BDSM toys:

Ball Gag

A ball gag is a great way to submit to your partner, or have your submissive partner entirely at your mercy. BDSM enthusiasts love the feeling of losing control, and what better way to surrender control than to surrender the ability to express yourself clearly? A ball gag takes submission and domination to a new level while remaining a beginner-level BDSM toy.

Handcuffs

If you love it when your partner holds your hands behind your back, or when you feel constrained physically, invest in a pair of handcuffs to enjoy together. If you don’t like the leather or metal look, you can buy a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs or even handcuffs made from luxe leather. Dominant partners will love the feeling of enjoying complete control, while submissive partners will enjoy losing theirs!

Thigh Sling

Using a thigh sling is a great way to enhance your sexual positions while simultaneously taking control of (or surrendering to) your partner. A thigh sling is a mix between bondage play and the more advanced BDSM sex slings and sex swings that the hardcore enthusiasts love. Enhance your positions and have better sex with a thigh sling – and if you love the experience, move on to a sex sling!

Temperature Play

If you’re not yet ready to spend money investing in a sex toy, you can always find things around the house to use to spice things up in the bedroom! Temperature play is hugely popular amongst BDSM enthusiasts: whether it means using ice cubeson warm naked skin or (safely) stimulating your partner with hot wax, incorporating temperature play can be exhilarating and a fun way to test your limits in an intimate setting.

Bondage

While it might seem intimidating for a novice, bondage play is pretty mainstream: a simple search for bondage on Amazon will return thousands of results, with thousands of reviews from everyday couples. Some beginner-friendly bondage includes bed/mattress restraints (tying a partner to the bed via their ankles and wrists) as well as spreader bars, which are a little more advanced, especially as it often means the “submissive” partner will remain standing for long periods of time. Consider bondage as simply a more advanced version of handcuffs, although restraints allow you to explore bondage more comfortably and according to your own needs. You can also pair a set of mattress restraints with a ball gag for heightened sensations of dominance and control!

How to Incorporate BDSM into the Bedroom: Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s:

● Be understanding of your partner’s limits

● Respect your partner’s boundaries

● Set your own clear boundaries

● Explain clearly what you like/dislike

● Let your partner share their fantasies without judgment

● Establish verbal and non-verbal safe words

● Respect all safewords

● Consult your partner before buying new BDSM toys

● Never try out a new BDSM fantasy without first consulting your partner

Don’ts:

● Feel pressured into sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with

● Push your partner beyond their limit

● Gossip with others about your partner’s fantasies – the trust foundation must be solid to engage in BDSM play

● Override the safe word, even in the name of being dominant

● Force your partner to try out fantasies that they’re uncomfortable with

Verdict?

Incorporating fun BDSM toys into the bedroom can be an exhilarating experience: whether you’re a submissive or more the dominant type, there are plenty of thrills to be had when it comes to power-play, and plenty of toys to choose from! Whether you try out ball gags or bondage play, BDSM can help your relationship evolve, stay exciting and remain spontaneous.

Complete Article HERE!

A beginner’s guide to foot play

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Feet are immensely popular in the bedroom.

In fact, a recent survey by the sex toy brand Lelo revealed that feet are the top body part to play with, apart from genitals.

But if you’re a newbie podophile – the official term for someone who is sexually aroused by trotters – it can be hard to know where to begin, or how to tell your lover that you want to worship their feet.

To help us explore this kink and the many ways it can be enjoyed, we asked sex experts to share their top advice.

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, the sex toy website, explains that our feet are erogenous zones – these beauties are packed with 7,000 nerve endings (which is also what makes them so ticklish).

Enjoying foot play isn’t necessarily about having a foot fetish, as the latter can be linked to psychological enjoyment, with some people using feet as humiliation or power play.

So, how to begin… ?

How to tell your partner you want to try foot play

Camilla Constance, a sex and intimacy expert, explains that you need to create a safe space where there’s no judgement – focus on keeping an open mind.

‘Talking about what you truly desire is one of the most intimate things you can do,’ she says.

‘Creating a safe container to have this talk is critical, so you need to follow a few simple rules:

‘1. Whatever you say inside the container will be listened to with love and respect and not be used as ammunition in an argument at a later date. This is critical for building safety and trust. 

‘2. Inside the container you listen without interrupting or answering. That does not mean the person speaking gets to experience their desire, it means they get to express their desire.

‘I suggest you agree to talk in a place you both feel safe and unthreatened, e.g sitting face-to-face or next to each other in bed. You clear a period of time for each other, (no TV, no phone, no computer…) just the two of you.

‘And you take it in turns to ask each other to express your desires (everything you desire to experience in your sex/relationship), fears (everything that causes you fear, anxiety or worry in your sex/ relationship) and loves (everything you love about your partner).’

Once the chat is done – and if you are both happy to proceed with foot play – the fun begins.

Give an erotic foot massage

Grab a bottle of oil or lotion, and start with a foot massage – but make sure your trotters are fresh before you shove them in your partner’s hands.

Annabelle says: ‘Only do what you’re comfortable with and give them a good scrub clean first – maybe by sharing a shower.

‘Start by offering your partner a foot rub. Work from the feet up and then back down again.

‘Make sure you get those nerve endings switched on and ready for action.’

Talk before you take it up a notch

If you’re interested in trying the BDSM aspect of foot play, such as being a foot slave or something else that is on the more extreme end of the fetish, clear it with your partner first.

‘If the kind of foot play you’re looking for goes beyond the desire for a simple, romantic massage, then a conversation needs to be had up front about whether you and your partner are both comfortable with it,’ adds Stuart Nugent, sex expert at Lelo.

‘Make sure you’re on the same page regarding the dynamics involved, especially if there are elements of domination and submission implied by what you want to do, or have done.

‘This isn’t the time for surprises, and it’s the worst time to discover that a partner has a serious but secret aversion to feet.’

Kiss your way to the treasure

As Stu mentioned, the best way to fulfil fantasies – foot fetish or not – is to talk to your sexual partner.

However, if you want, you can also use your body, or in this case mouth, to hint at what you’re after.

Annabelle says; ‘Try kissing down your partner’s inner thighs, use your oiled hands to stroke their feet, gently kiss the arches of their soles and begin licking and sucking their toes.’

But pay attention to their body cues, if they start to flinch when you kiss their ankles ask before you proceed.

Set the mood

‘Let’s assume that you’re both comfortable with feet, that consent has been sought and obtained, and that you’re ready to start,’ says Stu.

‘Prepare the space indulgently and sensuously, with scented candles and mood-lighting, and with some background music.

‘Don’t overlook this, it can make all the difference – a foot massage can be highly erotically charged, but for it to work effectively, you need create the right atmosphere.’

Get a manicure and throw on the heels

To get yourself in the mood, prepare your feet for the occasion.

Get a snazzy manicure (at home, until lockdown is over) and then wear your finest heels. Or pull on a pair of lace stay-ups and wear a cute toe ring, whatever works to put the attention on the lowest part of your body.

Different people prefer different shoes, so try various pairs – from stilettos to kitten heels or even loafers, if that’s your jam.

In the BDSM community, high heels are common as these are a sign of power in the wearer, either in a strappy style or a boot.

Camilla says: ‘For some a big part of foot play is the “stockings in sexy heels to naked” play.

‘Let me share a secret with you: those gorgeous sexy high heels you can’t walk in?

‘They weren’t designed for walking…they were designed for removing!

‘Lie back and enjoy having your shoes and stockings removed slowly, with gentle kisses all the way down your legs and covering your feet. Bliss.’

Join a foot party

Once the pandemic is over and we’re allowed to be within two metres of other people again, sign up for a foot party.

The aptly named London Foot Party regularly hosts events where you can delight in all things toes, ankles and more, including being trampled by beautiful models.

And since you’ll know that everyone is a fan of feet, you can let loose on those trotters.

Ask your partner to wash your feet for you

Or vice versa.

‘It’s deeply sensual (and very honouring) to have your feet washed by your partner, maybe make this a part of your erotic play,’ says Camilla.

To take the foot washing up a notch, choose a scented body wash that you both enjoy.

Watch foot porn for inspiration

From foot jobs to people being penetrated by toes, to people worshipping toes and close-ups of women putting their neatly-pedicured feet on car pedals while wearing sexy shoes, the porn industry has pretty much every fantasy you can imagine.

Use it as inspiration or perhaps ask your partner if they’d be keen to watch it with you.

Give a foot job

Once you’ve watched a video on how to give a foot job, why not give it a try?

Camilla says: ‘Feet are super sensitive, be aware of this if you are the giving partner.

‘If you are the receiving partner, try not to respond in your conditioned way (pulling them away) but instead get curious.’

Gently rub your toes up and down your partner’s genitals – but if this is the first time, ask before you do this. Use lube to ease the friction.

If your other half has a penis, use both your feet – one on either side – to wank them off.

You can also involve the balls, but be easy on the pressure – though some men do like having them ‘crushed’ or squashed. But even then, be gentle so that you or your partner don’t end up in A&E.

If your other half has a vagina you could slide your toes across their clitoris or try ‘toeing’ them (i.e. the foot version of fingering).

‘Keep in mind that all sensual play enjoyed before penetration is a sensual turn-on for women and builds orgasmic energy in our bodies,’ adds Camilla.

‘The more your turn on her whole body the greater her orgasm will be. Feet are no different.’

Go running before sex

Some podophiles not only enjoy the look of a sexy foot, but also, the scent.

Fresh sweat in men releases the pheromone androstenone, which is said to turn women on, but some people enjoy stale sweat scents too – that of smelly socks for instance.

You can even make money off your pungent footwear; one woman claims to earn £100,000 a year selling her foul-smelling garments.

And having a strong sense of smell whole could give you stronger orgasms, according to a Germany study.

There you have it – get your foot play on.

Complete Article HERE!