Category: KINK

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How to talk about kink with your vanilla partner

— Couples of all kinds grow together sexually.

By Beth Ashley

Most people who start a relationship expect — or at least hope — to align on important life elements. That’s why so many of us make sure to go over the basic, foundational bits like “Do you want kids?” “Do you want to get married?” and “Are you as career focused as I am?” during the dating stage. But often we forget to check on sexual compatibility before taking the plunge into a committed relationship, and by that, I don’t just mean having sex and thinking “Yep, that’s good sex.” Sexual compatibility goes much further than that.

According to sex educator and mental health expert Lola Jean, who facilitates classes in kink and BDSM, sexual compatibility also includes whether the two of you prioritise sex on the same level, have similar desires to have sex (in terms of frequency), are both good at sexual communication, enjoy similar sexual behaviours, and whether you’re both into (or not into) trying new things.

If you know you’re kinky from the get-go, this should also be laid on the table early on, when you first start discussing or having sex, with a conversation like “Hey, I’m into rough sex. Are you? Do you think you’d be into it if you tried?” Equally, if there’s something you’ve not tried but that has been on your mind to try for a while, you should bring that up, too.

This isn’t to say that all couples should have mind-blowing sex with equal pleasure that ticks everyone’s boxes on the first go or they should call it quits. In fact, that’s pretty unlikely, though possible. Couples of all kinds grow together sexually, and if any of your partner’s answers to your sexual compatibility questions are an awkward “ermmm no, no really,” it doesn’t mean the two of you are doomed. Humans are flexible and we change our minds. But we all have our deal breakers, our absolute “no-nos,” and that’s where things can get complicated.

This is why it’s so important not to gloss over this chat (no matter how awkward it is) and avoid ending up with mismatched levels of kinkiness.

How do I talk to my vanilla partner about kink?

If you did skip that first sexual compatibility course, don’t fret. It’s better late than never.

First, don’t assume your partner is “vanilla” — meaning, they like regular, non-kinky sex — because, so far, you’ve mostly done missionary. If you haven’t had a chat about kink before, there’s no way to tell they aren’t into it. Try not to make assumptions as you lead into this conversation or try to guess ahead of time what their reaction will be.

Schedule some time with your partner specifically to talk about sex and have the conversation somewhere where you’re comfortable. Often, it works well to have this conversation outside of the bedroom to remove any pressure. If you hang out together in your living room quite often, this could be a settling place to talk.

“You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.” Jean tells Mashable that when we talk to our partners about introducing kink into the relationship, we shouldn’t lead by focusing on specific activities, like using handcuffs or trying spanking, for instance.

“Just leading with specific activities is limiting,” she says. There’s not a lot of room for compromise or discussion if we jump in with a super-specific situation.

Instead, “Talk about the goals or feelings you’re after,” she suggests. For instance, “maybe I want to be spanked so I can feel punished, but my partner doesn’t want the idea of hitting me. So we can discuss and find another way where I can feel punished.” Words like “explore” and “figure things out” can help you communicate, she says. “You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.”

What if my partner is firm in their vanilla stance?

It happens! Vanilla people exist, and it’s not right to shame or try to change them. It might be that their vanilla nature comes from outdated ideas about sex, or it might be that they are just super into the simpler side of sex. Whatever the case, their style of sex is their own choice, just like everyone else’s.

Jean says the most important part of all of this is that you understand your desires don’t overrule your partner’s comfort. She tells Mashable, “Whether your desire is kink, or polyamory, etc, that is still your own desire, and your partner, no matter how much they love you, want to have sex with you, or think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, doesn’t have to do it with you.”

They are just desires, not rights. Your partner’s take on them just informs you of how or when you can act on them in the relationship.

If a kink is integral to you (perhaps it’s more of a fetish, meaning you struggle to get sexual pleasure without it?), Jean recommends seeing if your partner is open to giving it a go or trying something similar. But don’t pressure them. If they’re just not into it at all, or if they try it and don’t like it, but you find you still really need it from your relationship, then maybe that relationship isn’t for you.

“Sexual compatibility is important, but I don’t think it’s something that is innate,” says Jean. “It’s not about chemistry or attraction, it’s the ability to listen, understand, respond, and find different middle ground,” she says.

Once the initial conversation or conversations have been had, the next moves are really up to the vanilla person to explain what they’re comfortable exploring. “Just recognize it might take patience,” she says. “If you’ve figured out you’re kinky, there was probably a period of time where you didn’t know and it took you time, trial and error to figure things out.” Your partner should be afforded the same flexibility.

Should we open our relationship to solve this?

You can open your relationship if that’s something the two of you are genuinely interested in. But as Jean points out, “if someone isn’t getting what they want out of a relationship, that’s not a reason to have more relationships. You should be non monogamous because you want to be non monogamous, not because your partner is failing to meet your needs.”

A lot of people see opening the relationship as the only choice when you want to stay together but aren’t interested in the same kinks, but that isn’t the case. There are plenty of ways that you can also be monogamous and explore kink in a different way.

Kinks can actually be explored solo. From wax play to shibari to dominance, restraint, and nipple play, whatever you’re into or you’d like to give a go, a sexual partner isn’t necessary for exploration. “You can restrict yourself, you can deny yourself, you can impose a reward system or a punishment system, you can even do sensation play on yourself. And this is a great way to explore kink without your partner.”

What about hiring a helping hand?

There’s also the option of hiring a sex worker, like a professional kink instructor, to help you explore. “Hiring a professional is great if you want to stay monogamous but involve another person so you can experience kink,” says Jean. “There’s a professional boundary there which can make participants more comfortable, and you can work with the expert separately or as a couple.” It also means that you can explore with someone who knows what they’re doing and how to practise safely.

It might be that your partner doesn’t want to be directly involved in the kink but gets a thrill out of watching you engage in it, which is another way a professional can come in. Compromising in this sphere is all about trying different things, and working out what’s comfortable, fun, and pleasurable for both of you.

If you and your partner have different ideas about what sex should look like, whether you’re vanilla, a little kinky, or into hardcore BDSM, you don’t have to split up. But you cannot compromise beyond your boundaries, nor should you expect that of someone else. Have an open, honest conversation and be considerate of each other’s desires, needs, and no-go areas. Whatever the outcome ends up being for you both, it’s important to remember that no one has failed. Whether a relationship ends, opens, changes dynamic, or remains exactly the same, these are choices you’ve bravely made to protect each other’s happiness. And that’s exactly what partners should do.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM helped me deal with sexual trauma

BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media.

By Megan Wallace

When we’re asked what looking after our mental health looks like, most of us recite the same answer by rote. Talking therapy, medication for those who need it, and then that nebulous concept of “self care,” which nowadays means anything from journaling to eating well to buying expensive candles. But the reality is that no one’s mental health journey is going to look the same. Each person’s brain, trauma, and way of navigating the world is different and, as a result, individuals have long adopted more personalised ways of staying on top of their mental health, whether it’s exercise for stress or ice cold baths for anxiety. But for some, mental healing can come from a more unexpected place: the latex and leather of BDSM.

While I never thought it would work out this way, this has even been the case for me. Following a sexual assault in 2018 which happened on a busy street, one I still often pass, I found myself withdrawing from sex – feeling hugely disconnected from my body and partners, swallowing down the feeling of not wanting to be touched, counting down the time until any sexual encounter would stop in my head and sometimes crying uncontrollably afterwards. Even now, there are still times when I find intimacy so tough that I dissociate. For anyone who’s not sure what “dissociation” means in this context, let me explain. Basically, when I’m supposed to be “enjoying the moment” something bizarre occurs in my brain – it feels like I’ve extricated myself from my body and am floating, passively watching everything happening from the foot of the bed.

At the time, I never really wanted to talk about my experience in a formal way, but it would often come out as a jagged, hot-teared confession after one too many drinks. Probably, therapy would have been the answer (isn’t it always?) but I started looking for alternative solutions. Inspired by teenage years spent on Tumblr and a summer spent living and working in Berlin, where sex clubs were everywhere, I thought BDSM might be worth a shot. It was a whole culture celebrating around sex, one where all shame was left at the door and pleasure reigned supreme – what if it could help me work through some of baggage, I wondered. And as you’ve probably worked out by the title of this article, it was.

It was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts.

But the bit that helped me? Well, it wasn’t even the sex. Instead, it was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts. In practice, this means that a) you spend a lot of time talking and b) you kind of know how everything is going to pan out before you even get started. This proved to be a major relief to me after the shock and trauma of what had happened to me previously. It was also a way to begin to slowly trust someone, knowing that we basically had a verbal contract in place, instead of having to dive-in to intimacy. According to my partners at the time, I could never “let go” during sex so it was a huge relief that BDSM presented a judgement-free space of calm and control – even if, as a sub, I was supposedly the one giving up control.

Stripping away BDSM misconceptions

Admittedly, it’s a stereotype that if you’ve suffered from trauma you might gravitate towards BDSM – particularly when you look at depictions of kink in pop culture. Whether it’s the sexual assault that dominatrix Tiffany experiences in Netflix’s Bonding or the childhood abuse that Christian Grey mentions in Fifty Shades of Grey, TV and film writers are more than a little complicit in spreading the preconception, via clunky dialogue, that you’ve got to have suffered trauma to be into kink. But does this have any rooting in real life? Well, away from our screens, research has found a link between child abuse and developing an interest in sadism or masochism later in life. It’s important to remember though that the research here is scant and the link is far from definitive. However, if it does exist, we need to interrogate the ways that we talk and think about this correlation. Rather than viewing a tendency towards BDSM as a “perversion” of “normal” sexuality, what if we saw BDSM rituals as a form of harm reduction, a coping mechanism, or even a type of therapy?

“While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners.”

And while BDSM might be particularly associated with people who have been through a specific type of trauma, it can be helpful to people of many varied experiences. This is the case of Prish, a 25-year-old non-binary person who gravitated towards kink after a childhood where their boundaries and needs weren’t listened to or respected. Having struggled with codependent relationships as a result, it was through BDSM that they were able to connect with their desires and learn how to communicate them. “While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners,” they explain. “When these needs were listened to and respected, and when my pleasure was centred by the people who were domming me, this was incredibly healing.” Ultimately, being able to express what they wanted sexually has had a much wider positive impact. “I felt more empowered than I’d ever felt in my whole life; like I finally had some control over getting what made me happy — and I was able to expand this into other aspects of my life.”

Here, we can see that BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media. Instead, it can be a way of working through intimate struggles, both sexual and emotional, with people you trust. While for some, it can be a life-long practice, for others it can be something to dip in and out of or to only turn to in a time of need. And different scenes can have different emotional impacts. This is the case for 24-year-old Hannah who, reeling from a serious breakup, staged a life-changing kink encounter. After being involved in BDSM for several years, she began speaking to someone she knew from the scene – and they were able to act out a long-held fantasy of hers. “One thing he’d done and I’d always wanted to try was sexual hunting: think predator/prey play but IRL. We met up for a drink beforehand to discuss boundaries and then the date rolled around for us to do the deed,” Hannah explains.

On the day of the planned encounter, Hannah and her play partner met up in a forest and she was given a “head start” as part of the scenario. This, as she explains, was where an emotional transformation began. “I felt such an exhilarating rush from being chased, like I was running away from my problems,” she says. “It was like I was stepping out of my skin and my sadness.” As per their agreement, Hannah was then “caught” and they both had sex – leading her to an emotional breakthrough. “He asked me what my ex would think if he knew I was doing this and in that moment, I knew I didn’t care anymore. It was so cleansing and cathartic and it gave me the space and sexual confidence to move on with my life — I’ll always be grateful for it.”

Both Prish and Hananh’s experiences focus on the emotional aspect of BDSM, its use as a tool that allowed them to reframe negative experiences and mindsets and reclaim power. While this is their personal experience, there’s even a fledgling line of research that backs it up, looking at how individuals are using kink as a form of trauma recovery. And it’s not too much of a stretch to see how BDSM sometimes mimics techniques seen in talking therapy – Gestalt therapy may even include “role playing” sessions, after all. But while we know that BDSM might be helpful to some people, is there a way to seek it as part of a recognised mental health treatment plan?

How BDSM can be therapeutic

Well, we’re a long way off from seeing BDSM listed as a fully-funded alternative therapy on the NHS website. However, some work has actually already started among mental health professionals willing to explore kink and the role it plays in people’s lives and emotional states. There are more and more kink-positive and BDSM-informed therapists out there and, excitingly, there’s even a growing number of BDSM therapists who combine traditional talking therapy with BDSM sessions. Among these is the conscious kink facilitator and qualified counsellor Divine Theratrix, who offers potential clients the option of  integrative talking therapy, somatic healing sessions and animal play classes in order to allow individuals to “get out of their head and into their body in playful and tactile ways.”

The beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves.

Also going by the name Lara, Divine Theratrix was first inspired to use BDSM as a tool in her work after thinking about how the mind impacts the body. “In addition to being trained as a traditional integrative therapist, I embarked on further studies into the relatively new field of somatic psychology and became convinced that touch could be a missing piece for some people on a journey of trauma healing,” she explains. Somatic psychology focuses on how the body impacts the mind, and has been explored practically through somatic therapies which focus on the body. These techniques focus on regulation of your nervous system (which can become stuck in fight or flight responses) and on creating bodily awareness, and are particularly useful for people with trauma or PTSD.

Obviously, there are plenty of different physical aspects to BDSM and you might not have thought before about how these might impact your brain, but they do. Take one of the most commonly known parts of BDSM: impact play, where your skin is hit with a hand, paddle or whip. While it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, scientists have shown that it has a positive impact on kinksters’ mental health – individuals may have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after a kink session.

But if we step aside from all this technical stuff, the beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves. Whether it’s the feel of latex on the skin or the psychological thrill of power play, kink connects us to our bodies, our instincts and allows us to fully embody our emotions. As Lara puts it: “When the mind and body work together, the learning tends to be more impactful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A history of the horny side of the internet

In a new book, journalist Samantha Cole digs through the rich history of sex on the internet, from BBS to FOSTA

By Russell Brandom

From the very beginning, people on the internet have been obsessed with sex.

That’s the argument laid out in a new book by journalist Samantha Cole, How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex. Cole digs through early internet history to show how sexual content and communities were part of the internet from its earliest days and had a profound effect on how the online space deals with identity, community, and consent. From identity play on early bulletin board sites to the rise of online pornography as an industry unto itself, Cole makes the case that you can’t make sense of the internet without sex — even if today’s major platform companies would like to.

Content note: This interview describes multiple sexual practices in straightforward language. Readers who are uncomfortable with these topics should use discretion.

The book makes the case that sex was a fundamental part of the internet from the very beginning. Why do you think that is?

It’s just such a part of human nature to want to connect as deeply as possible to other people, whether it’s online or not — and the internet opened up a new venue for that. Suddenly people could be whoever they wanted to be. They could take on these personas that were different from who they were away from the keyboard. They could express themselves in a way they never had before. For a lot of people, that branches out into sexuality almost immediately.

“What level of reality do you want to experience through the internet?”

It’s interesting reading those old message boards where people describe themselves as mythological creators or blobs or whatever they wanted to be. Then they would have these really deep, interesting, philosophical conversations about love and sex and relationships. In many cases, they would meet up and go on dates after that. Sometimes they got married and had kids. I say in the book, there are real people walking around who only exist because these bulletin board systems connected their parents.

There’s an immediate security concern there because you have people adopting pseudonyms to share information that’s otherwise really private. But it seems like, at this stage, the internet didn’t have a ton of tools for keeping your identity private.

Right — just to get in the door of a BBS like this, you had to call someone on the phone and give them your name and credit card info. So it was tangibly personal between you and the admin. Once you were inside, a lot of them would let you use whatever name you wanted, but there were other communities that would demand you use your name. Others would have you put your email address at the end of every post so people could contact you directly. It’s an interesting divide: what level of reality do you want to experience through the internet? But the more sexualized communities really emerged when people were using the internet to pretend to be something they wished they were or wanted to try.

How much does this change when you get into the contemporary internet, built on companies like Google and Facebook that are able to treat sexual content very differently?

It gets really complicated when you go from a single person running their hobbyist bulletin board scanning Playboy pictures to this huge machine of moderators making decisions. People can get really frustrated not having a central person to talk to about what’s happening on this platform that is a big part of their life. So that definitely has been a huge shift. We have these huge monopolies that are just running the show for us now, and it’s hard not to feel like you don’t have any of that control left.

“The conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it.”

At the same time, these companies are now beholden to payment processors and banks, and so they have to push all of this stuff off of their platform, in many cases, because of those financial obligations. So just seeing that change, it’s hard not to imagine the internet is going to keep getting more sanitized and less sexual.

You describe a lot of early moments of sex panic in a way that seems very similar to what we see now — but then, in other places, the internet seems to have made people more accepting. Do you think the conversation over moderating sexual content is changing?

People are definitely more aware of the legal landscape. If you asked the average person in the late ’90s if they knew about something like the Communications Decency Act, they would have no idea what you were talking about. But now, lots of people have real opinions about Section 230 and are really read up on this stuff. It’s all a lot more visible, and the conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it. You have so many more people relying on the internet for their jobs, sexual or not. So people are paying attention now in a way that they haven’t been in previous decades

What about the second part of the title, how the internet changed sex? All through the book, you can see people getting turned on to new things or exploring themselves in ways that wouldn’t have been possible offline. Do you think the internet has made our sex lives more specific or extreme?

I think having access to communities of like-minded people can really be world-changing. I researched a lot about fetish and kink communities, and for a lot of people, before they found those communities, they thought they were the only ones. So it’s been really interesting to see that grow up with the internet. Suddenly, you have thousands and thousands of people reading forums about their specific fetish and talking about what they’re into and why they’re into it.

One thing that really surprised me was these forums about how to suck your own dick. People were just trading tips and advice about how to do it, exercises to do. You would never have access to that kind of information without the internet because, first of all, you would never say it out loud to someone, just hoping they were into it. But suddenly, you have access to all these people all over the world who are like, “Yes, I want to trade advice about how to suck my own dick.”

That one was actually too vulgar for the book.

Do you think the internet is creating these desires or just making it safe to express them?

It can be hard to tell. You can definitely discover something new that you didn’t know you were into. Or you might realize you were into it all along, and you didn’t know it.

One of the stories I wrote recently was about people who were into blueberries and blueberrification. A lot of them were into this because they had watched Charlie & the Chocolate Factory when they were kids and said, “Oh, that made me feel a way,” and carried that with them for years without telling anyone. Then they get online, and they see there are a lot of people who also feel this way. That’s a transformational change. It’s not just, “I found this thing I didn’t know I was into,” but also “Now I can really express myself and buy a blueberry suit because I see other people are doing it, too.”

Having that community makes you feel less weird. It’s less isolating. I think that’s a huge part of why people have so much shame about their sexuality and their porn use. They feel like they’re the only one who wants this. When you find out you’re not the only one, that can be revolutionary.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Our culture isn’t sex positive just because kink is trending

Even “vanilla” people feel sex shamed.

By Tracey Anne Duncan

As a person who writes about sex and pleasure, I meet a lot of pleasure activists — people working to reclaim pleasure and sexuality as radical domains. Many are kinksters, queers, or both; all on a mission to return some dignity back to folks who have been marginalized. Recently, though, I came across a pleasure activist who’s advocating for the validity of “vanilla” sex. Frankly, I was a bit taken aback. Do people who like simple sex really need activism? Isn’t “normal” sex just, well, normal?

Sure, in the past decade, kinky sex has become much more socially acceptable. I’m not saying you should try to bond with granny about your favorite shibari harnesses, but you can probably post about them on social media without much to-do. But while the #trending of kink seems like some form of progress in our generally prudish society, if folks who love “vanilla” sex feel shamed by their preferences, our culture is still far from being a sex-positive Eden of earthly delights.

“As soon as you say something like, ‘Umm, you know, I love vanilla sex,’ you might as well grow a Victorian-style bonnet on your head,” Alice Queen, a sex writer in Detroit who runs a sex toy blog dubbed “Vanilla is the New Kink,” tells me. “I’m under the impression that society as a whole will never stop trying to whip us (back) into shape, one way or another, by framing any and [all] of our sexual behaviors into social mores.” Basically, Queen believes vanilla sex oftentimes gets the same negative treatment from others as sex that’s widely considered “deviant.”

“As soon as you say something like ‘Umm, you know, I love vanilla sex,’ you might as well grow a Victorian-style bonnet on your head.” – Alice Queen

But does Alice think there needs to be an actual, formal movement to advocate for those who like to keep sex simpler? “On the one hand, I’d love for people to be able to freely admit their vanilla preferences without being scoffed at,” she says. “On the other hand, I’m more than aware of potential pitfalls: Before long, someone would try to hijack my genuine vanilla [sex] pride and use it as a wrapper for exclusion because it’s just so easy to do from a traditional point of view.”

In other words, no, even vanilla sex “activists” view something like an earnest “vanilla sex pride” movement as something that would harm already marginalized communities who actually need or benefit from Pride movements.

The experts I spoke with agree that there’s a big difference between taking pride in your sexuality and trying to make a social justice movement out of it. “Benefiting from, or even being an activist in, a social justice movement or a project to make the word ‘sex’ non-judgmentally inclusive of more sexual options (especially your own) doesn’t necessarily open you up to true comfort with and belief in sexual diversity,” Carol Queen (no relation to Alice), co-founder of the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco, tells me.

“My starting point is that the only thing that should be excluded is exclusion itself — as well as, of course, any practice that lacks consent or can never have it by definition.” – Alice Queen

The truth is that while Alice may be a self-described vanilla sex “activist,” she’s not vying for the primacy of any one kind of sex. Yes, the name of her blog could be read as creating a divide between vanilla and kink, but it’s really just catchy phrasing meant to wink at sex negativity. “I wouldn’t want to end up unwittingly promoting exclusion,” Alice says. “On the contrary, my starting point is that the only thing that should be excluded is exclusion itself — as well as, of course, any practice that lacks consent or can never have it by definition.”

The point Alice is trying to make is that, while the preponderance of BDSM-themed merch may make it seem like America has gotten really freaky, our culture is actually still so sex negative that even people who prefer “normal” sex feel like they can’t state their desires without being judged. The fashionability of the aesthetics of kink in many ways masks the reality that the U.S. is still a sex-negative culture, as evidenced by, among other things, our egregious sex education policies.

In fact, the whole idea of kink versus vanilla is essentially just a tool used to create divisions between anyone who might attempt to reclaim pleasure. After all, there’s not even an agreed-upon definition of vanilla sex. We invent these categories in order to express our desires, which should be fun, but our overly prudish culture has turned even the most normative desires against us.

“We should not be put in a position of feeling shame about our sexuality unless we are hurting someone else via our actions.” – Carol Queen

Alice describes vanilla sex as simple and mindful, which honestly, is a great way to approach any kind of sex, kinky or otherwise. “We do not have to have sex a certain way — except, y’know, consensually — no matter what right-wing politicians and preachers [or] hipper-than-thou ‘sex-positive’ folks might say,” Carol says. Basically, in a genuinely sex-positive culture, all sex — vanilla, kink, clown, whatever — would be welcome.

In working toward such a culture, it’s crucial that we don’t get the idea of sex positivity twisted. “Since humans tend to one-up each other, that ‘Yippee, sex!’ POV has morphed into ‘Sex-positive means I like all the sex — [and] if you don’t, you are not sex-positive,” she says. “This is not what sex-positive means.”

The truth is, as Carol notes, that what’s considered sexually “normal” or “fashionable” is always in flux, and it doesn’t always correspond to how we actually think about — or do — sex. As Carol says, “We should not be put in a position of feeling shame about our sexuality unless we are hurting someone else via our actions.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual aftercare tips and why it is important

Sexual aftercare is the time people spend caring for each other after having sex. This can involve things such as cuddling, talking, or massage. Sexual aftercare can be important for individuals of any gender.

By Anna Smith

Sex is an intimate activity that causes a person to feel various emotions. After sex, some people may wish to spend time caring for each other. This can help strengthen bonds and help individuals feel safe and secure.

Some people may find they enjoy or require sexual aftercare following sex.

Read on to learn more about sexual aftercare, why it is important, and how individuals can benefit from it.

Sexual aftercare is the act of caring for a person’s partner or partners after they have sex. It can be a way for individuals to strengthen the bond between them and their sexual partners.

An older study from 2014 found that affectionate behavior after sex had associations with higher sexual and relationship satisfaction.

Sexual aftercare can include activities such as:

  • cuddling
  • shared intimacy
  • talking about what a person liked and what they did not enjoy during sex
  • massaging each other
  • bathing together
  • sensual touching

Sexual aftercare may be important after people engage in BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism, and masochism.

The following are sexual aftercare tips.

Cuddling

An investigation from 2019 noted that married people who cuddled more frequently reported increased levels of relationship satisfaction.

With this in mind, cuddling after sex may help a person feel closer to their partner or partners. It may also help them feel safe and relaxed.

Additionally, BDSM may involve humiliating and degrading acts. Therefore, cuddling after BDSM activities may help remind a person that they are loved and cared for.

Communicating

Research from 2018 looked into the number of males who felt postcoital dysphoria (PCD). PCD is when a person feels tearful, sad, or irritable after sex.

The researchers found that 41% of males surveyed had experienced PCD at some point in their lives and that 3–4% of people experienced PCD on a regular basis.

People can engage in sexual aftercare to discuss how they are feeling after sex. A study from 2016 found that individuals experience increased emotion and intimacy following sex. This can lead to bonding behaviors, such as discussing feelings and emotions with each other.

Treating any injuries

Certain BDSM activities can result in a person becoming injured, which may be intentional or unintentional.

If a person receives a wound during sex, a partner may help treat them. This may help someone feel like someone is looking after them.

Bathing or showering together

Spending time washing together, or washing each other, can be an intimate experience. A person may enjoy being naked with their partner or partners in a nonsexual scenario.

Hygiene after sex is also important — washing the penis after sex can help prevent infections. The advocacy group Planned Parenthood suggests that uncircumcised males should clean underneath their foreskin every day and after sex.

Unwinding

After sex, people may wish to spend time doing nonsexual activities with their partner or partners. This might involve:

  • napping
  • watching a film or TV show
  • having a snack or beverage
  • playing a computer game together

Spending nonsexual time together may help build a stronger relationship.

BDSM is a group of consensual sexual practices and interests. BDSM comprisesTrusted Source physical, physiological, and sexual elements.

Power play is at the core of BDSM activities. This can mean that one person is dominant while another is submissive. Someone may also switch between being dominant and submissive.

BDSM can involve certain activities during, before, or after sex, while certain BDSM activities may not involve any sex acts at all.

BDSM activities can include:

  • being tied up, or tying someone up, during sex
  • being whipped, tickled, spanked, or performing these actions
  • humiliation
  • punishment
  • degrading acts, such as licking their partner’s shoe
  • ordering another person to do certain acts
  • sensory deprivation, such as blindfolding

People use BDSM for sexual fulfillment and fantasy. However, certain elements of BDSM can involve pain or humiliation. A person may feel a sense of shame or sadness after they engage in BDSM activities.

A study from 2016Trusted Source noted that people who engaged in BDSM may experience stigma-related shame and guilt. This could lead to feelings of loneliness or feeling like a burden.

By engaging in sexual aftercare, a person can reassure and comfort their partner if they have any negative feelings after sex. They can also receive treatment for any wounds or cuts resulting from BDSM activities.

Following any kind of sexual activity, a person may feel frustrated or detached from their partner. Sexual aftercare aims to ensure that everyone involved feels secure and acknowledged.

Sharing nonsexual intimate time together may help a person reconnect with a partner. It may be beneficial to use this time to talk about things they might not typically discuss.

Additionally, doing activities together after sex may reassure a person that they are not just a sexual object. It is important for everyone in a relationship to feel valued and respected.

Sexual aftercare is when a person cares for their partner or partners following sex. It can help strengthen relationships through communication and nonsexual activities.

People who engage in BDSM activities may find sexual aftercare important to their relationship. Although consensual, BDSM can involve painful or humiliating activities. Therefore a person may find it comforting to cuddle or discuss things with their partner or partners after these types of sexual activities.

Sexual aftercare can be important after any kind of sex, as some people can feel upset or frustrated after sexual acts. It can also serve as a suitable outlet for discussing certain feelings.

There are various kinds of sexual aftercare that individuals may benefit from. A person can speak with their partner or partners about the right kind of sexual aftercare for them.

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Are Kinks Hereditary?

— What Science Says About the Genetics of Desire

In short, maybe! Your genetic makeup is one of several factors that could influence your sexual interests.

By Hanna Lustig

Are kinks hereditary or learned? The short answer is both.

The genetics of sexual attraction and desire is a deeply underfunded field of research. Still, there’s growing evidence to suggest our genes might play a much larger role in the development of our erotic selves than previously thought.

What is a kink? Kink vs. fetish?

A kink is any type of nonmainstream sexual interest, according to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and scientific advisor to sex-toy retailer Lovehoney. A fetish is a specific subtype of kink defined by a heightened fascination with a certain object, body part, or bodily fluid. In other words, fetishes tend to have a sensory component wherein people are drawn to the feel, taste, smell, or look of a particular thing. “All fetishes are kinks, but not all kinks are fetishes,” Dr. Lehmiller explains.

Author and “gonzo anthropologist” Katherine Gates has devoted her career to the study of sexual subcultures. Speaking from a nonacademic point of view, Gates offers up another way of understanding the distinction between kink and fetish: Kink describes the use of props and role play in erotic interaction, but those elements aren’t required in order to get off. Moreover, kinky encounters don’t necessarily involve sex—the experience can be gratifying with or without it. Fetish, on other hand, connotes a sexual interest that is “extremely narrow and fixed.” And this fetish has to be incorporated in order for the person to get off and feel sexually fulfilled by an encounter.

Gloria Brame, PhD, is a sexologist, sex therapist, and self-described fetishist best known for her work in the area of BDSM. “For me, the fetish is about feeling really comforted,” Dr. Brame says. “That’s how I feel when a fetish manifests.”

Okay, but are kinks hereditary?

We don’t have concrete proof that our genetic makeup is directly tied to our sexual interests. At least, not yet. But it’s not outlandish to suggest that some people may be genetically predisposed to developing kinks and fetishes. It’s relatively well-documented that personality is to some degree heritable. Certain traits tend to run in families. And as Dr. Lehmiller can attest, from having surveyed thousands of people on the subject, our sexual fantasies can be read, at least in part, as a reflection of our personalities. Extraverts, for instance, were especially drawn to group sex and nonmonogamy fantasies. The fantasies of highly conscientious individuals tended to be more detailed, with a particular emphasis on sex in unique settings like the beach. Dr. Lehmiller also found a pattern of interest in kink and BDSM among those with a penchant for sensation seeking, another personality trait shown to have some genetic basis. Often, high sensation seekers require a more potent stimulus in order to experience arousal or to reach orgasm.

“With people who are high sensation seekers, in some of the research that’s been connected, we see that their dopamine receptors aren’t quite as sensitive as other people,” Dr. Lehmiller explains. “So they just sort of require this higher level or higher threshold of excitement to get the same sexual thrills that other people do.”

That said, it’s important to remember that our erotic interests are the product of many factors. On the biological side, those factors can include our genetic predispositions, unique brain chemistry, and the way our bodies are laid out.

“For some people, nipples are extraordinarily sensitive,” Dr. Lehmiller says. “For other people, there’s just no sensation whatsoever. And if your body just happens to have that heightened level of sensitivity, you might be very drawn to various forms of nipple play including more intense BDSM versions of it with nipple clamps and so forth. So I think part of it is that general sensitivity in different parts of our body. That could also have a genetic component to it.”

Psychological factors such as our personalities, previous experiences, and general attitudes toward sex represent another piece of the puzzle. And there are environmental factors to consider—the cultural context that, in part, determines the partners we choose and the opportunities available to us.

“Whenever we’re talking about sexual interests, we need to talk about it from a biopsychosocial perspective,” Dr. Lehmiller says. “Two people can develop the same sexual interest for very different reasons, depending on the confluence of all of these factors.”

How are kinks and fetishes created?

Many people can pinpoint a specific childhood experience as the source of their kink or fetish. For some, it feels like a fact of life from birth. Others find their kinks later in life through solo or partnered exploration. In Dr. Brame’s experience, younger generations are becoming aware of their kinks earlier in life thanks to the internet. But in some cases, the culture of silence and shame around sexual kinks can delay the discovery process by decades.

“You don’t necessarily realize who you are until you’re in your teens or maybe even your 20s,” Dr. Brame says. “Or maybe even your 50s, not because it’s totally out of the blue. But you don’t realize what kink is or what it is to be kinky. Or that some of your private sexual fantasies actually align with kink.”

Often the kink’s emotional and sexual resonance is reinforced through masturbation.

“We know that the connection between the smell centers of the brain and the memory centers of the brain and the emotional centers of the brain are very close,” Gates says. “And so things that we would consider to be classic kinks, like a foot fetish—or rubber or leather or things that are sensorially evocative, especially through smell—can become connected with emotional content and memories to form a kind of cycle where you smell it and you have this stimulus in this memory that’s very emotional. You might reinforce that through, say, masturbation to the point where it becomes a very firm pathway in your brain.”

But Gates believes some people are primed to develop a kink or fetish under the right conditions.

“I interviewed this wonderful guy who considered himself a macrophile,” Gates says. “He liked to fantasize about giant women. And he said, ‘Nature loads the gun and nurture pulls the trigger.’ I like that metaphor because it sort of explains how that works—that you can be primed biologically and neurologically to be ready for it to happen.”

Is kink a sexual orientation?

Dr. Brame feels strongly that kink isn’t a hobby—it’s a legitimate sexual identity. Throughout her life, relationships that didn’t align with her kinks would inevitably fail. The kink was never explicitly discussed or cited as the reason for the breakup—that discovery would come later. But in retrospect, it makes sense that certain power dynamics weren’t tenable for her.

“I was actually leading a really mainstream kind of life. But I couldn’t make vanilla relationships work,” Dr. Brame recalls. “They came and they went and they came and they went…. When I found out I was into BDSM, I was really thrilled. I never looked back. I only had kinky partners, and that led to a marriage of 32 years.”

Dr. Lehmiller says the data supports both possibilities. For some, it is a leisure activity. For others, an interest in kink can have “very deep roots.”

“It’s very persistent, it’s enduring, it has some of the other features that a sexual orientation does,” Dr. Lehmiller says. “It’s not malleable. I think for some people, there does seem to be the sense that kink is more of a sexual orientation for them. But again, I don’t know that we fully understand exactly why that is.”

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What is Shibari or Kinbaku?

— Everything you need to know about BDSM rope play.

Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present.

By Beth Ashley

The Discovery+ true crime series House of Hammer, detailing the allegations surrounding Call Me By Your Name actor Armie Hammer, has raised a lot of questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, BDSM, kink, and ethics. The series, which opens with Hammer (who has denied these allegations) detailing his love of Japanese rope bondage, has also made some monumental mishaps in explaining how certain kinks and scenes within the BDSM community actually work. The series doesn’t ever address what these kinks actually are, or their important connection to Japan’s history and culture. Disappointed but not surprised.

Viewers of House of Hammer will understandably have questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, but those shouldn’t be answered by someone accused of committing acts of sexual violence. There are dangerous implications with allowing Hammer, an alleged abuser, to define and discuss any form of BDSM — and to conflate consensual sexual practice with abuse
“Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, and inaccurately portrayed in the media.” Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, stigmatised, and inaccurately portrayed in the media, with many speaking out against titles like Bonding, How to Build a Sex Room, and Fifty Shades of Grey for tying problematic ideas to kink.

In reality, the BDSM community centres play of any kind around consent, respect and communication. And that’s especially true with Shibari.

What is Shibari?

Shibari, sometimes called Japanese rope bondage or “kinbaku” is a modern form of rope bondage which originated in Japan. The term “shibari” means “tying” and “kinbaku” means “tight binding.” The two are used interchangeably, and refer to the same type of play. Put simply, Shibari involves tying someone up with ropes. Sometimes this involves sex, with couples tying each other into certain positions and sometimes the fun is just about the tying itself. But historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.

Sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Planet Midori, tells Mashable: “It originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia.”

She explains that the practice is embedded in Japan’s ancient history. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated shackles into their sex, based on historic captivity measures, Japanese folks found inspiration in captured maidens.” Only, in Japan’s history, the restraint of choice was rope.

But today, Japan, Shibari is enjoyed by consenting adults in their private sex lives, as well as stage performances in kink-themed bars, and of course in porn. And it’s catching on in the West too, with kink and fetish clubs in the United Kingdom and mainland Europe embracing Shibari in play. It’s even got a thriving TikTok community.

Why are people into Shibari?

Midori explains that she personally loves Shibari because it’s so flexible, both literally and figuratively. “Shibari fits all bodies, and [the rope] can be woven into the process of creating a vast range of scenes and moods. It’s adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari – you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body on that day,” she tells Mashable.

Marika Leila Roux, co-founder and creative director of Shibari Study, who offer Shibari classes, says “Shibari is a way of communicating through rope and that makes it magical. It’s not just about memorising certain patterns or knots; instead, shibari allows you to use things like how you handle your rope and different ways of using speed, tension and tempo to create different sensations and even emotions for your partner (or yourself).” She says that using rope in a way that’s playful, sensual, tender and a little challenging can help us examine our needs, desires and intentions as well as those of our partners.

How do I get started with Shibari?

Shibari isn’t something you can jump into head first without doing some required reading, learning and pre-sex communication first. It does literally involve rope after all, so safety is an important consideration.

Marika explains that the most important thing to learn when getting started is general safety, which is why Shibari Study offers a safety course for free. So, Shibari newbies, it’s time to crack out the books and maybe take a class or two. Marika says you should “invest serious effort into grasping the basic techniques. No one is going to master Shibari overnight, nor should they try to. I always recommend a ‘low and slow’ integration method.”

Thorough communication about wants, desires, boundaries and what you’re looking to get out of Shibari with any potential partners are also crucial before, during and after every Shibari session.

“There will always be some sort of risk when playing with ropes,” Marika notes, “but as long as you do your research and communicate clearly with your partners, you should be able to mitigate these risks and create a fun and enriching experience. Take the time to establish and update your own personal risk profile — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks and what they are comfortable with and be transparent with whoever you are tying with,” she adds.

Midori says that in terms of equipment, beginners should start with cotton rope as it’s softer on the skin and it’s easier to clean up. “Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustrations for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied.”

Close up on a red soft ball of rope, used in the Japanese erotic arts of kinbaku, sinju and shibari, on black silk

“Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing too,” she adds. “Sometimes knots simply get too tight to undo easily, or the person being tied up might want to get out quickly.”

She also recommends steering steadily into the world of complicated positions. While you’re still a beginner, and certainly during your first time, don’t try anything too crazy. “Start with your most favourite sex position, and try to tie your partner, or have them tie you, into that shape,” she says. She recommends starting with an easy, gentle placement too. “Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.” But don’t do anything too complicated on the first go, and don’t tie near the neck and head so the person being restrained can still breathe.

Is it cultural appropriation to do Shibari if I’m not Japanese?

Midori explains that, outside of Japan, in the past decade or so, Shibari has gone viral. With that increase in popularity, came some criticism of Westernised interpretations of the craft, along with “particular narratives about Shibari’s history.”

“Shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte,” Midori explains. “Others claim that Shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering’, Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation.”

“For people who don’t buy into those problematic narratives today, they can enjoy Shibari as part of their own variation of kinky bondage play,” she assures. “Is Shibari a spiritual practice in Japan? No. Might some Shibari lovers in Japan and the rest of the world find moments of emotional catharsis in Shibari? Sure. Do some of these folks make it their own form of spiritual exploration? Yes.” But she stresses that this isn’t unique to Shibari. It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission — to name a few.

“Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure.” She also adds that the social media side of Shibari can purposely make Shibari ropes look overly complex, but if it suits you, Shibari beginners are welcome to tie whatever ropes they can manage, and giggle their way through the process. It doesn’t have to be a serious situation. “You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties and maybe a simple body harness [which you can learn from coaches online or in a beginner’s Shibari class] is fine, good, and hot for most people.”

Ultimately, Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure. “It shouldn’t be intimidating or aggravating,” she says.

Despite certain documentaries and their perception of play, people who play with Shibari centre their experiences around communication, respect and consent, be it about BDSM or the rope work alone. It should go without saying, but Shibari should never be used to abuse someone. Though it’s derived from images of captivity, the practice is a far cry from this. Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present. If you want to be a part of it, seek out a qualified coach to show you the ropes, a trusted partner, and let out your spicy side.

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What is BDSM?

Your Queer Guide to Kink, Domination, Bondage, and More

Queer sex experts answer your most commonly asked questions about BDSM.

By Evelyn Bauer

Okay, first things first: BDSM is hot, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Just look at the latex, leather, and chain outfits featured in Fashion Week collections earlier this year. BDSM has long had an aesthetic influence on fashion and pop culture, and while you might think of it as a niche set of sexual practices, it’s a more common fantasy than you might think.

For those unfamiliar with the term, BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. But it goes far beyond those acts, and more broadly stands as an umbrella term for a wide array of sexual behaviors, play, and relationships that center on power and control.

“It involves playing around with and often subverting power dynamics,” sex educator and pro-domme Goddexx Haru tells Them. “It’s consensual, meaning all parties understand what they’re getting into and communicate throughout to make sure that everyone feels okay during and after a scene.”

As with all umbrella terms, BDSM is open-ended and ever-evolving. It can include a variety of acts and behaviors, from pain play to bondage to humiliation, and has expanded to capture the multiplicity of ways that consenting adults explore power dynamics. People may also engage in more immersive forms of play like lifestyle BDSM, a practice in which people integrate kink into their daily life from small things like being expected to clean the house for their dom(me) to wearing a leash and being walked around the block by their dom(me). 

Have you ever fantasized about having your partner tie you up or smack your butt during sex? Maybe you’ve thought more than once about telling your partner what to do, inside and outside of the bedroom. If so, certain aspects of BDSM may be right up your alley. However, you may still have concerns before diving into the world of kink. 

Read on for answers to the most common questions people have about BDSM: What does BDSM stand for? What types of BDSM are there? How do I set boundaries before getting started? What is a safeword? Is BDSM Queer? And how do I get started?

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an initialism of Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. For those unfamiliar, here is what these terms roughly mean:

Bondage: The most well-known kind of bondage is being tied up by or tying up a partner with handcuffs, ropes, tape, or other materials, such as belts. Other forms of bondage include using restraints like latex masks, ball gags, genital cages, and other equipment. The act of binding your partner or being bound during play are ways to experiment with power dynamics and trust.

Discipline: In the context of sex, discipline involves one person conditioning another person to behave to their liking through rewards and punishment. This look like many acts, such as slapping a sub for moaning or making noise during sex to pleasuring a sub for begging for a specific sexual act.

Domination: Acts through which a dominant, or dom(me) for short, controls their submissive, or sub. Domination can include inflicting pain, using verbal insults, and other forms of conditioning. This can look like a dom(me) hitting a sub, using tools like floggers, and demeaning them.

Submission: Submission refers to acts wherein a submissive succumbs to the will of their dom(me). Subs may show their dominant they’re in control by verbally affirming their dom(me), pleasuring their dom(me) by doing sexual acts they enjoy, or allowing their dom(me) to inflict pain on them.

Sadism: Sadism is when one experiences sexual pleasure by inflicting physical pain or humiliating another person. For example, a dom(me) may get off on hitting their partner or inflicting other forms of physical pain on them through biting, cutting, or whipping.

Masochism: Masochism is when one feels sexual pleasure from being subjected to pain or experiencing humiliation. Subs may experience sexual gratification from being hit or bound by their dom(me) or being insulted and degraded.

These are phrases that describe interpersonal dynamics between consenting parties; some people prefer to be in control (dominating others), while others may prefer to give control to others (being submissive).

How BDSM looks in practice depends on the wants, needs, and comforts of all involved. Some people choose to engage in bondage only, while some hate the feeling of restraint but want to explore impact play. Some others might hate pain but love the feeling of losing control. BDSM is a spectrum that everyone can interact with in their own way, whether privately at home with their partners, at kink clubs, or with professional dom(me)s, making the possibilities endless and exciting.

“To me, BDSM is an umbrella term for many different kinks, dynamics, fetishes, etc,” Carly S., a pleasure educator for Spectrum Boutique, tells Them. “Having my own kinks outside of vanilla sex brought me to the scene. It’s also really empowering to find a community of like-minded perverts. You can much more easily find play partners, friends, or more when you find the part of the community you vibe with the most.”

What types of BDSM are there?

Illustration of a mustachioed person applying mascara.
People often assume I’m uber-masculine just because I’m a Dom. There’s way more to me underneath the leather.

Having read this far, you can see why this is a difficult question to answer. While the initialism of BDSM stands for certain words, the umbrella nature of the community extends to cover such a vast ground of kink and play that it would be impossible to list all the types.

“Oh, there’s too many ways to engage with BDSM to even count honestly,” Fucktoy Felix (link NSFW), a queer porn performer, tells Them. “Some people are more into the bondage. Some people are more into the discipline and control. Some people emphasize the dynamic between dominance and submission more, for others it’s all about pain play with sadism and masochism. A lot of people blend a lot of these. There’s also a lot of kink and fetish content that lies outside what most would consider ‘BDSM’ altogether.”

Basically, there are as many ways to play with BDSM as there are leaves under the sun. Some examples include:

Shibari: An artistic form of bondage that originated in Japan, consisting of a partner tying up their submissive with colorful ropes in intricate patterns.

Pain Play: Sex that involves intentional pain inflicted by a partner or yourself. This can include spanking, biting, hitting, and scratching, among other acts that involve tools like whips, floggers, and paddles.

Humiliation: Degrading a partner and attacking their self-worth through insults and sometimes psychological torture. It is often paired with physical aspects of BDSM such as bondage or pain play.

Lifestyle BDSM: The act of involving BDSM in your everyday life, not just your bedroom. Lifestyle BDSM can range from having a partner tell you how to dress and what to order at a restaurant to being locked in a kennel when your dom(me) is away.

Sometimes BDSM doesn’t even need to include sex or sexual activities. “Since BDSM is really an umbrella term for a lot of different kinks and fetishes, there are equally as many variations in how people play,” Carly says. “For example, some scenes might not involve sex at all, and others might be focused on sexual activities.”

Don’t let the stereotypical depictions of BDSM in films like 50 Shades of Gray deter you from thinking your particular interests aren’t part of the umbrella. “On film, I tend to do heavy bondage including suspensions, unusual forms of punishment such as waterboarding or more traditional corporal, etc. but there’s an extremely short list of people I trust to perform those kinds of acts with,” Charlotte Sartre, an adult performer and director for Kink.com, tells Them. “At home, I’m absolutely submissive to my current partner, but I’m not being hung by my ankles and electrocuted in my free time.”

How do I set boundaries before getting started? What are safewords?

As always, you should talk with whoever you are going to engage in BDSM with beforehand. Have a chat about your shared desires, your hard boundaries, boundaries you feel like you can push, and ways you would like to communicate during sex. That could include choosing a safeword to say if you need to stop sexual activities, or using something like the traffic light system, where you check in by saying “green” to go ahead, “yellow” to slow down on an act, and “red” to stop sex altogether.

“Safewords are a great way to set boundaries and have an easy way to communicate, especially if you are having difficulty expressing yourself in the moment,” Carly tells Them.

Also, it’s always good to do your research. Goddexx Haru suggests talking to your partner(s) about what you enjoy, what they enjoy, what you want to explore, and any boundaries you may have in regards to specific BDSM acts like bondage or humiliation.

“Set boundaries to make sure no one is ever doing something they don’t want to be doing,” Goddex Haru tells Them. “I’d recommend doing some reading on BDSM or going to classes if you have any dungeons near you, especially if you’re interested in edgeplay, or play that’s a little riskier like knifeplay, erotic asphyxiation, or 24/7 power play.”

While not all people who engage in BDSM are queer and not all queer and trans people engage in BDSM, the two communities have historically overlapped in significant ways. For example, men’s leather bars and communities — which many consider to be under the umbrella of BDSM — became important havens for LGBTQ+ people in the 1940s and beyond. The intertwined nature of kink and LGBTQ+ communities continues to be a debate to this day, as discourse about whether or not kinksters belong at Pride emerges every June like clockwork.

A group of men dressed in leather fetish clothing ride in a truck at the intersection of 32nd Street and Fifth Avenue during the annual Gay Pride parade in New York City, c. 1980.
Let’s celebrate the contributions the kink and BDSM communities have made towards LGBTQ+ liberation.

So the answer is no, not all BDSM is queer. However, because BDSM dynamics are viewed as a non-normative relationship to sex, its roots alongside and within the LGBTQ+ rights movement run deep.

Goddexx Haru recommends reading Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. to anyone who wants to learn more about the history of BDSM in the LGBTQ+ community and issues specific to queerness and BDSM.

How do I get started with BDSM play?

Research is always always a great place to start. Figure out what you want out of BDSM, figure out how to express those wants, whether to a partner you already have in mind or to a new person, and see if there are any BDSM classes nearby. It’s incredibly important that you trust whoever you are engaging in BDSM with. Don’t be afraid to wait to explore further until you are comfortable.

“Do what feels natural, don’t be afraid to speak up and ask questions. And there is a wealth of information online, from books to classes,” Sartre recommends. “Attend local events to network with people. Try things with a trusted person but take as much time as you need to develop that trust.”

Figuring out what aspects of BDSM you like and which you would rather avoid is crucial to having a good time and feeling comfortable and safe. An important part of understanding what you like is also tapping into why you want to engage in BDSM in the first place. Like the wide spectrum of sexual acts and dynamics that BDSM encompasses, there are an array of reasons why people engage in them, and figuring out what’s driving you to explore BDSM can help you understand what you hope to get out of it.

“Many of my clients use BDSM as a way to have sex that feels safe after experiencing sexual trauma, as a way to take back control over the situation,” Goddexx Haru says. “I also especially enjoy genderplay — playing around with different gendered labels and expressions during sex can be a really powerful way to explore your gender and sexuality. As a trans person, I find that playing around with the gendered ways I refer to my body and self can feel like a way to take back control and autonomy over my body and the ways that the world tries to label it.”

Ultimately, BDSM can help you tap into another part of your identity, help you be more present during sex, or just have a fun time. Engage with BDSM on your own level. Build up your comfort with other partners, or work with a professional dom(me) or sub if you want someone with more experience. It’s an expansive subculture that allows you the freedom to relate to it however you wish.

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Everything to know before your first sex party

From queer raves to hedonistic mansion parties, these kinky, XXX-rated events aren’t as intimidating as you might think. Pull on your fishnets, it’s time to dive in.

By Beth Ashley

You’ve seen polaroids from the leather-heavy Crossbreed party pre-drinks all over Instagram and hovered one too many times over ​“buy ticket” on the Killing Kittens website. Maybe you’re finally thinking, ​“That’s it, I’m going to go to a sex party!” I don’t blame you. Whenever I see a group of girls in fetish gear, snapping their ​‘fits before heading off to a sex party or a fetish rave on my feed, I think two things: could I get a pair of those giant, tight latex boots onto my legs? And why haven’t any of my mates invited me to a sex party? Rude.

If you’ve never been to a sex party and, unlike me, your social media feeds aren’t packed with pics of different parties every other day, you might have a weird perception of them. Before I got to know more about these sexy gatherings, Eyes Wide Shut had put a terrifying vision of what they would be like in my head, which mainly consisted of mystery (in a non-sexy way), creepy animal masks and rituals. That, or a sordid pile-on, an 18-man orgy where double penetration is considered first base. Even when I moved away from these wild ideas, I still presumed sex parties to be a place where I’d be surrounded by people better at sex than I am. Would everyone be over-qualified and confident, while I sit in the corner wondering how I can leave discreetly?

Thankfully, sex parties are not like that in real life. In fact, they tend to be suprisingly wholesome spaces, full of lovely sex positive people who are all about keeping themselves and others safe, comfortable and liberated, while different kinds of play are explored.

There are, however, some things you should keep in mind before you buy your ticket and a pair of 10-inch heels. With some help from three avid sex party goers, here’s everything you need to know before you make your sex party debut.

Choose the right party for you

The world of sex parties is constantly growing, with events catering to both broad interests (like, er, sex) and niche interests (like banging while dressed up as animals). This can seem intimidating at first and, as regular sex party attendee and owner of sex shop Self & More, Poppy Moore, tells THE FACE, ​“sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right party for you. But this unknown territory and exploration is part of the fun!”

Her first bit of advice? Work out what your main desire is before party-picking. Is it important to you that the party is predominantly queer, or do you want something that caters specifically to heterosexual couples? Do you want to go somewhere super bougie? Are you interested in being a voyeur (watching other people play) or exploring group sex? Or is there a specific kink or fantasy that you want to see fulfilled?

These are all questions that will help guide your research. Try to find the features you’re looking for on the ​“about” pages of party websites and narrow down your search. Whatever you’re after, there’s probably an event that covers it. There are parties where you can slather yourselves in oil and roll around with a mass of naked bodies (Liquid Love); ones for bicurious women who want to explore sex with other women for the first time (Skirt Club); queer raves (Crossbreed); parties with exciting BDSM equipment and immersive soundscapes (Klub Verboten); ones with elaborate dress codes that centre sensuality over sex (Pinky Promise); hedonistic mansion parties (Fever or Killing Kittens), and good ol’ fashioned sex and swingers clubs (Le Boudoir).

“Consider what you want to get out of the evening, do your research, and go with an open mind,” says Moore. ​“Once you start to make friends within the sex party scene, you’ll discover parties through word of mouth. Until then, Google is your friend. You can often read reviews of parties on the various sex blogs which cover these topics.”

Making friends

Some parties also put on more affordable demo nights where you can basically ​“sample” them, which makes it easier to choose the right party for you. Some sex party providers (like Crossbreed) even throw free social nights, where you can get to know people outside of the full-frontal environment. These are great opportunities to make connections with members of the sex party community without jumping in at the deep end. And that means, when you do eventually attend one, you should recognise some friendly faces. Check your party of interest’s website for upcoming events like these

Preparing beforehand

There’s a bit more to think about before heading to a sex party than your typical night out. A frequent sex party-goer, 29-year-old Amy* recommends having a good, in-depth read of ​“any and all information that the hosts publish about the party. This will give you an idea of what to expect, and what the dress code is if there is one.” This info should also include what safety precautions will be offered by the providers.

If there is a dress code as part of your chosen party, it’ll be pretty strict for an important reason. For example, some parties only allow underwear and fetish gear (don’t worry, you can wear acoat on the bus on the way), because people attending might only feel comfortable socialising and dancing almost naked if everybody else is. It might sound odd, but sex party dress codes are about keeping people safe and feeling like they’re part of a strong community. Don’t go off base with that one.

A lot of sex party hosts provide condoms, dental dams and lube (this is a sign of a good organiser), but you should still pack your own. Amy adds that ​“towels or waterproof blankets” are also useful to pack, particularly if you plan on engaging in wet play, massages or wax play. You should also bring your own toys and cleaning equipment, if you want to use them. Want a moment away from all the kinky stuff? ​“Bring a robe or dressing gown when you want to have a little break.”

Brush up on sexualities and pronouns

If you head to a sex party, whether you go to a queer-specific one or not, its likely you’ll be amongst a lot of LGBTQ+ people. So, if you’re not already familiar, it’s time to whip out a book (or Google) to familiarise yourself with pronouns, gender identities and sexualities, so you understand what people’s different backgrounds are and what they might be looking for at a sex party. Make sure you ask new people you meet for their pronouns to avoid any upset and leave your assumptions at home. People go to sex parties for many different reasons and have all kinds of desires, fantasies and boundaries. Do your research, ask questions and keep an open mind.

Don’t expect a shag

I know, I know. It seems a bit odd to go to a sex party and not actually end up banging anyone. Why else would you go to a literal party for sex? But this thought process is a common mistake. Much like when you go out on the lash with expectations of pulling and end up going home empty-handed, feeling a little ashamed, going to a sex party expecting to have sex is a fast route to disappointment.
Amy says the best advice she was ever given about sex parties is ​“don’t go with expectations of a specific act happening.” So before you head out, make sure you’re thinking realistically. ​“I usually go with the expectation of no sex or play and then you’re not disappointed,” she says.

It’s also completely fine to go to a sex party without any intention of having sex. 27-year-old Ellie* tells THE FACE that her and her partner frequently go to sex parties ​“just to get out of the house and meet sex-positive people like us.

​“We’re monogamous and not interested in playing with other people, but we love being in a queer, sex positive scene so we go to Crossbreed all the time. We always end up going home and shagging because we’re so turned on from watching everyone else writhing, but it’s not about playing in the club for us,” she explains.

Poppy also adds that ​“you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Your attendance at a sex party does not equal your consent – and the same goes for the other guests, too. It’s OK to go along and simply soak in the atmosphere, or to play only with your existing partner.”

But if you do get some…

If you do have sex at your first party (lucky you!), then make sure you use a condom and pop one on any toys you might use before putting them anywhere near your genitals.

When it comes to the proper kinky stuff (including activities like impact play or restraint), Poppy recommends only having sex with people you have an established connection with, due to the increased risks that come with power dynamics. It’s always better to explore those kinky avenues with someone you have at least a little bit of personal trust in.

But If you do end up banging someone new – no judgement here – make sure you have a conversation about your desires and limits, and establish a handy safe word. This will make it easy for you to communicate if things become too much as you play together.<

Poppy adds that ​“aside from chatting about the kind of stimulation and dynamics that you enjoy, some useful questions for the receiver are ​‘How will I know when you’re enjoying the play?’ and ​‘How will I know when you’re nearing your limit or something is too much for you?’”.

And while the non-monogamous and kink communities are usually pretty hot on using protection and practising safe sex – because, you know, they’re exploring sexual contact with more than one person – there will always be exceptions and mistakes can happen.

As Poppy says, ​“It’s your own responsibility to make considered choices and keep play as safe as possible. You can do this by staying aware of your surroundings by avoiding getting drunk or high, carrying appropriate protection with you, engaging in play with people you trust and asserting your boundaries around protection with every new partner.”

She adds, ​“It’s easy to get caught up in the moment in an orgy or big-bed setting, but you are always within your rights to tell someone no or to ensure someone is using protection.”

Proper preparation avoids piss poor practice, so it’s good to get as much knowledge into your noggin as possible before pulling your fishnets on and popping down to your local sex rave. But nothing teaches quite as well as experience. Bite the bullet, pick a party or a social and go. Oh, and don’t forget to keep a good few condoms in your pocket.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Aftercare

— How to make sure your partner is A-okay after sex

Sure, you know all about foreplay but what about aftercare? Yes, what happens after that big O is just as important

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When it comes to sex, there are countless tips for what happens before and during it, but rarely do we think about what we may need to do to make it better afterthe deed. Yet, studies are showing the importance of sexual aftercare even when individuals explore hook-up culture and casual sex.

Aftercare is where you take a moment to unwind, relax and reflect after a sexual encounter. Commonly spoken about after BDSM scenes, aftercare isn’t just a kink-focused activity—the techniques can be used after any form of sexual play as you come down from the excitement, stimulation and hormonal releases that happen during erotic activities, whether full-blown intercourse or simply exploring some of the best sex toys around.

Sex therapist Lyndsey Luther (opens in new tab) says that sexual aftercare is a vital part of a romantic relationship: “Aftercare builds an emotional connection and shows that you care about each other outside of sexual activity.”

Sexual aftercare: what you need to know

1. Chat with your play partner(s)

When communicating about aftercare, Luther suggests talking not only afterward about your play, but discuss your aftercare needs beforehand so you’re both prepared: “What does aftercare look like to you and what does it mean, and clarifying how you can discuss what you need after sex should be done in advance and throughout.”

Communication can help you digest and unwind from sexual encounters. It’s also a great opportunity to take a moment to chat with your play partner and discuss your sex session likes and dislikes. This will help you bond with your partner further and encourage even more enjoyable sexual encounters with them in the future.

2. Massage and body contact

Taking a moment to enjoy the presence of your lover’s body can help slow down your heart rate after rigorous sexual escapades. Not only will the warmth of another person’s body help you feel safe and comforted, but hugging can also promote the release of feel-good hormones that will allow you to leave your sex session in a positive mindset.

3. Clean-up and chill

Sex is naturally messy (hello, drippy lube and arousal serum!) and there’s nothing wrong with that. After getting all hot and sweaty, post-sex clean-up can help you feel ready to take on other day-to-day activities. Hydrating and having something to eat can also help and will boost your blood sugar levels so you’re set to take on the world after sex.

BDSM play—”bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism” (check out our bondage for beginners guide for more)—can push people through erotic limits that sometimes go against their day-to-day beliefs systems and personas, meaning things can get emotionally intense.

“With BDSM, aftercare is there to minimize the ‘drop’ (the feeling after BDSM that can leave you feeling sad or anxious), and well as to minimize any post-sex shame,” says Luther.

Some individuals benefit from taking time after BDSM play to relax and take a moment to re-emerge back into their day-to-day roles and personas.

BDSM play can also require additional aftercare, including after forms of sadomasochism play. For example, when spanking occurs—the area where impact has landed needs some aftercare attention to reduce the chances of injuries. Making sure these areas affected by sadomasochism play are clean afterward is important to reduce the chances of infection.

Luther suggests that when you’re planning an intense play session, it’s important to factor in if you have time for aftercare, as the drop after BDSM play can be very powerful. If you don’t have time to factor in aftercare for intense play, it may be best to wait to explore that type of activity for a day when you do.

What if your aftercare needs differ from your partner’s?

It’s very common for aftercare needs to differ from person to person. “Differences in aftercare habits can happen, but it’s all about communicating what each of you needs,” says Luther.

She suggests trying the following: “If what you need is different from your partner(s) needs, can you each receive something different from aftercare and, if so, is there a middle ground where each of you is comforted in the way you need? It’s all about discussing the negotiable and non-negotiable and deciding how you want to feel during aftercare.”

And despite the name, aftercare doesn’t have to be something that you just do right after sex. Checking in on your partner even a day after an intense sexual encounter can act as a form of aftercare and help you maintain that flow of intimacy.

If you haven’t explored sexual aftercare before, it’s worth taking some time to give it a go!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m a BDSM submissive

— Here’s what my sex life is really like

A woman reveals the reality of being a submissive

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When it comes to sex in the 21st century, many of us have left the shame and stigma behind (thank goodness) to enjoy a healthy, safe sex life without judgement.

In fact, research has shown that a growing number of us are enjoying spicier sessions between the sheets, with even those not particularly into kink experimenting more with BDSM.

According to findings conducted last year, 84% of the 2,381 adults surveyed said they had tried BDSM – aka Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism. The report also found that those who enjoy kinky play claimed to have significantly better sex lives than those who don’t.

For the true newbies among us, many relationships under the broad umbrella of BDSM are characterised by complementary and entirely consensual roles that people inhabit, such as the dominant partner, known as the ‘dom’ and  the submissive, or ‘sub’.

But what is life (and sex) like for a woman who is firmly entrenched in the BDSM community as a submissive? Well, according to one sub called Monieau, it’s far from what misconceptions and stereotypes would lead outsiders to believe.

‘Many people believe female submissives are brain-washed and unintelligent or just following the social normative ideas around men and women,’ Monieau explains on Metro.co.uk’s no-holds-barred sex podcast, Smut Drop. ‘But that is such a broad generalisation. There are plenty of confident, competent submissives who work in numerous high-powered, demanding roles, who just want to be submissive in the bedroom.’

In its most basic form, being a submissive means yielding to the dominant’s whims.

‘Having a submissive kink as a part of a BDSM sexual encounter, is where the “submissive” participant is willingly obedient and gives the control and power to the “dominant” participant,’ explains Tracey Coates, sexual wellness expert for sex toy site Ricky.com. ‘Being the submissive partner means that you find pleasure from activities such as being disciplined, punished, or spanked.

‘BDSM can take place in and out of bed, as some fantasy role plays can involve no physical sex at all.’

However, there is no one ‘right’ way to be submissive, as Monieau explains that each sub will have their own preferred style of dominance they like to be on the receiving end of.

‘I like someone who is self-assured and can command a presence,’ she says. ‘I like someone with a dark side. Not a dark side as in, their personality shows red flags, but someone who can do some nasty, amazing things to me.’

Monieau’s path which lead to her foray into the world of BDSM is an unusual one, as she grew up in the Mormon community, whom stress their strict law of chastity – consisting of abstaining from sex outside of marriage, and shunning inter-marital affairs or homosexual relationships.

‘I grew up thinking sex was shameful,’ Monieau adds. ‘I didn’t even know what masturbation really was, but I knew it was bad.

‘As I grew older, I came to terms with conventional ideas of male and female roles. I became a full-on feminist. It’s like I did a 180, which ended up being a 360.

‘In a way, I kink-ified my past trauma about sex and leaned into it.’

‘I like to be submissive as it grounds me,’ Monieau continues. ‘Because of my past feelings of shame and guilt around sex, I find freedom in submission, as it’s someone doing those things to me. It allows me to feel sexual pleasure much more easily than if I was to do it myself.’

However, Monieau is used to people not quite understanding what it means to be a submissive, particularly on a superficial level, a lot of what it consists over seems to be at odds with feminist principles.

‘Both men and women can be a sub, it’s entirely dependent on their personal preference,’ Coates explains. ‘Yes of course, just because you choose to be a sub, doesn’t mean that it has to impact the rest of your life and views in and out of the bedroom, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re not a feminist.

‘You can also argue that being the submissive actually gives you more control as you are giving the dominant partner full permission and the submissive chooses to enact their femininity.’

In order to give a greater understanding to people curious about what being submissive really entails, Monieau is now choosing to share her experiences both on social media and dating apps.

‘When I was first on apps, I had to sift through a lot of manure,’ she explains.

‘I put that I was submissive in my dating profile, as I was just sick of the small talk – I don’t care about small talk, so I explicitly stated what I wanted in a whole list.

‘So around one third of my inbox just took the p**s, and another third of guys were just gross, saying things like: “Hey babycakes.”

‘Another third were genuinely curious so we talked through what being a sub meant to me. Some people found it really educating. It actually made me feel better about men, less afraid of engaging with them.’

Of course, if you’re new to the world of being a submissive, it’s not as easy as going on Tinder to find the right match, says Coates.

‘You want to be able to trust [your dom] and know that you want the same things,’ she advises. ‘Choosing to do this online is the easiest way, as there are hundreds of sites available to everyone. When doing this, you want to make sure that your online profile speaks for you and not against you. Ensuring that you don’t give out too much personal information is also key to finding the best dom, you want to be advertising what you are expecting out of the relationship and avoid those whose first message to you is about sex.

‘You want to be able to build a foundation of trust and understanding before committing to be their submissive.’

Barbara Santini, psychologist and sex advisor at adult toy site Peachesandscreams.co.uk, agrees that your safety must come first when searching for a dom.

‘BDSM is a vulnerable experience, you may learn a lot about yourself,’ she says. ‘Make sure you want it and you do everything to protect yourself. It is essential you express consent, you negotiate the play scenario, and you and your partner stick to it. When you decide to meet a new dom, discuss your safety first, choose a location wisely (public place and later a well-staffed hotel), never change the agreed plans, inform your friends where you are, with whom so they can check on you. Have a safe word and use condoms.’

In Monieau’s experience, many newer subs, and perhaps even a few more experienced submissives, fall into tropes and stereotypes that may be detrimental to their BDSM relationship.

‘Submissives have to work on themselves first,’ she explains. ‘A lot of subs fall into the trap of wanting a dominant to basically just fix all their problems.

‘Before you get into BDSM, you need to work out what you really want from submission. If you have a sign saying you’re here for the taking, people will take advantage of it.’

For Monieau, she stresses there’s a difference in terms of what she wants in physical sensations and her emotional, core desires.

‘Physically, I want orgasms. I want arousal,’ she says. ‘I want to reach subspace.’

For those not in the know, subspace is what Monieau describes as being a ‘nice bonus’ of being a submissive.

‘Subspace is a different state of consciousness that can happen, usually to the submissive partner during BDSM play,’ Santini says. ‘It results from a mix of hormones like endorphins, cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin which are released during the play, when different emotions experienced.’

Monieau compares it to a runner’s high. ‘I basically become a mushy puppet,’ she laughs. ‘I just start riding with the vibes.’

However, the subspace can often lead to a subdrop – essentially, the depletion of those chemicals.

‘Subdrop can occur straight after play, or even as a delayed reaction by the submissive showing signs of emotional imbalance and sometimes flu-like symptoms,’ Coates explains. ‘This bodily and emotional state can be known to last as long as a week, but everyone experiences it differently and can recover within hours or days. So, taking care of yourself after sub play is very important.’

Feeling emotional, weepy and in need of comfort after reaching subspace, are common for Monieau.

‘I am a well of tears,’ she admits, with a laugh. ‘My dom puts me in a little blanket burrito, and it makes me feel like I’m in my safe little bubble.’

She adds that, for her, being a sub is a far cry from any sort of weak and vulnerable stereotype.

‘I’ve realised submissives have strength, even through their submission,’ explains Monieau. ‘Choosing to submit to someone shows you’re holding that space for them.

‘Sex is good and healthy. It’s good for you. It’s okay to feel sexual pleasure and be a sexual being.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything you need to know about subspace and subdrop in BDSM

Subspace can feel trance-like and floaty

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Kinky sex is becoming more mainstream by the year, with BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism – is one of the more popular options. 

Generally, BDSM involves two major roles: the dominant and the submissive, the latter of which is the topic of conversation in this week’s episode of Smut Drop.

As the names imply, being dominant means being the one deemed to be in control, while the submissive, well, submits to that control.

Acting out any BDSM scene can be extremely emotional for either party, but particularly submissives, who experience what is known as ‘subspace’ and ‘subdrop’.

Sophia Mindus, a London-based educator, facilitator and artist interested in kink and sexuality, explains everything you need to know about the two states.

Subspace and subdrop are essentially emotional states triggered by a release of hormones into the body.

‘[During BDS], we are playing with roles, identities, and types of physical activities which are often very different from our day-to-day experiences,’ Sophia tells Metro.co.uk, adding that this can affect us on a physical, emotional and neurochemical level.

As Sophia explains, during different types of play the body can release a whole host of different hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, cortisol. This can lead to people feeling ‘high’ and in an almost ‘trance-like state’ both during and after intercourse.

While ‘topspace’ also exists for dominants, subspace is characterised as being ‘floaty’ and hazy.

Are there any dangers associated with subspace?

Subspace essentially puts the mind and body in altered states, just like if someone takes a drug or drinks too much alcohol, and can sometimes blur the lines of consent, especially in terms of something like BDSM, when pain thresholds might temporarily increase. That’s why it’s vital for dominants to be aware of subspace and responsible for its effects.

‘When people are in altered states it can be harder to make decisions, have awareness of bodily limits and boundaries, and ask for what they need,’ says Sophia.

‘This is not the same for everyone, but this is why in these situations, it is even more paramount that the top takes responsibility for respecting the limits and physical capacity of the person receiving.’

This goes for both physical activities, such as spanking, as well as other boundaries.

‘It is important that the top remembers limits clearly and does not add anything extra or change the type of play into something which hasn’t been prior agreed once someone is in subspace,’ says Sophia. 

‘BDSM relies on all parties to be taking part in these practices with awareness and approaching each other with humanity and ethics.

‘If one person is willing to bypass another person’s boundaries or limits because they are in subspace and unable to communicate clearly, this is a violation of consent.’

If someone is experiencing subspace, the safest decision a top can make is to bring the scene to an end.

How to prepare for subspace

Negotiate communication check-ins

Sophie says that communication check-ins are vital and should be negotiated before play has begun.

‘Some people may experience their subspace as finding it harder to communicate verbally, so perhaps a signal or non-verbal check in such as a hand squeeze or a head movement could be used to communicate,’ she says.

Start slow

‘If it is the first time playing with someone, or someone is experiencing subspace for the first time, this is something they may not recognise or realise is an issue.

‘I always believe in BDSM you can do more but rarely can do less – so going slowly and airing on the side of caution is important.’

What is subdrop?

As many of us know, what goes up must come down, and the high experienced during subspace often gives way to subdrop.

‘A huge surge in hormones can also lead to a sudden drop or depletion of dopamine and oxytocin, the hormones which make us feel happy, connected, warm and euphoric,’ Sophia tells us.

‘This can often happen the day after or some hours after play has occurred.

‘The feeling can vary from irritability and low mood, to feelings of being a bit lost and lonely, to sadness and sensitivity.’

While everyone will feel and deal with subdrop differently, it’s important to note that it is normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you experience it.

‘Whilst we are experiencing a shift in hormones, there is also the reality that BDSM play is a very intimate and vulnerable experience – and the return to reality after these intense experiences can feel sensitive,’ Sophia adds.

‘When we experience such closeness and altered realities with another person, going back to our day to day life can feel a little strange.

‘This can also be difficult if people do not live with their play partners, the sense of loss and separation can be difficult to deal with and something to be considered and worked through to support one another.’

How to deal with subdrop

Subdrop highlights the need for aftercare following a BDSM scene.

‘Aftercare describes not only the immediate care that you need after a type of play, but also the care that you need in the days after a type of play as subdrop can take a while to be felt,’ says Sophia.

Find what works for you

It may take time and experience to understand what kind of aftercare you need.

‘For some people aftercare looks like alone time to process their feelings and thoughts,’ Sophia says, whether that be a self care evening with a bubble bath or time in nature.

‘For others it might look like making sure they have nice plans in place in the days after a play event or play date so they don’t feel so alone,’ she adds.

Reach out to partners

‘The most important thing is reaching out to your partner or friends if you are experiencing a drop.

‘It can feel overwhelming and bizarre the first time, and just knowing that you are not alone and you are not overreacting is important.’

Importantly, BDSM often involves two or more people, so it’s vital to reach out to and support your partners following a scene.

How to help someone through subdrop

Keep checking in

Given that subdrop doesn’t always happen instantly, it’s important to keep checking on your partner to see how they feel.

‘Taking time to check in either via call, text, or an in person meet up to see how your partner is doing, what they might be needing, and also maybe taking time to share what you enjoyed most about the play with them, [is vital],’ says Sophia.

‘Some people may need some reassurance, validation, and extra attention and care after BDSM play.

‘It is a vulnerable, intimate and intense experience to go through with another, and aftercare which encompasses the value of our partners can really support a connective and caring relationship.’

Be open

‘It can take time to recognise what you need to support yourself or another person through drop, so if this is new to you, being really open and offering different suggestions can be a supportive and curious way to explore how best to take care of one another,’ says Sophia.

This is especially important if the dominant is also experiencing a drop.

‘If both people need different things, you need to work out how to compromise and make it work so all needs are met,’ she adds.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Gateway To S&M

— 6 Kinks You Should Begin the Experience With!

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Sigmund Freud’s theorised that “certain aspects of your personality are more primal and this pushes you to act on your basic urges. Meanwhile, other parts of your personality work to counteract these urges and strive to make you conform to the demands of reality.” This is why various ‘kinksters’ tend to stay hidden or quiet throughout their lives while some pick being unique and come forth to actually mingle with society, They try to avoid giving into their kinks and experimenting with BDSM.

understanding-bdsm-relationships-a-peek-behind-the-curtain-of-taboo

Thankfully BDSM has now become more acceptable, common and mainstream. This is mainly because various works of fiction in both cinema and literature have started using the same theme. This has motivated people to finally let this inner kinkster fly and hence, they have decided to give S&M a try. So, if you’re looking to experiment with BDSM, here’s an official list of the kinks that you should commence your experiment with. These kinks might make your journey, way more fun instead of overwhelming.

1. Bondage

Bondage is the act of physically restraining your partner. A wide variety of implements can be used to achieve this from ropes to handcuffs. Bonding your partner can be a full way to try power exchange and experiment with roles.

2. Sadism And Masochism

Sado-masochism are two sides of the same coin- erotic pain. Depending on which you prefer, you can either be the pain receiver i.e. masochist or pain giver i.e. sadist. From something as simple as scratching your partner or receiving a strong tug of hair, sadism and masochism can fall into a perfect yin-yang partnership.

3. Impact Play

Impact play is majorly an extension of sadomasochism. This is especially for people who might enjoy the use of instruments or “toys” to indulge in this kind of kink. Depending on curiosity and comfort, partners can choose from a variety of impact toys. Spanking, flogging, caning etc. fall under this category.

4. Sensation Play

The five senses can also add to your sexual experience. Sensation play can range from something as gentle as blindfolds to using earbuds to drown out the surrounding noise. Tuning out one or more of your senses can actually make the other senses more active, making this process all the more fun and of course, beyond just interesting.

5. Exhibitionism

The practice of certain aspects of your kink life can fall under exhibitionism. It encompasses nudity, kink broadcasting and so on. For an exhibitionist, the act of being watched by someone is a huge turn-on. Try this out slowly with perhaps simple tasks in public and then, maybe consider other legal forms of sexual display in a more public space.

6. Orgasm Control

Orgasm control can be a very fun way of experimenting with pushing your or your partner’s boundaries. It is an act of controlling the sexual release and it can be very intense. Depending on your limits, it can be as simple as denying orgasms, asking for permission before having an orgasm and the most fun one- forced orgasms. This is a risky and interesting game!

Remember, Kink and BDSM are not restricted to people who like pain or are into dominance. Kink is just as important for someone looking to make things interesting in the bedroom as it can be for people who want to explore their masochistic limits. This is just a beginner’s list for your journey of kink exploration. There are a lot more kinks and fetishes out there, waiting for you to explore them. Just research away.

The sky is your limit when it comes to exploring the kink world but, just remember to be safe, practice consent, converse with your partner and of course, have fun with the play!

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What Is A Masochistic Person?

10 Traits & Behaviors Of A Masochist

By Lissa Rankin, M.D.

A masochistic person is someone who finds gratification through pain, degradation, or self-denial. Masochism is popularly associated with BDSM; a sexual masochist is someone who likes pain as part of sexual activity, which can be a healthy and empowering kink. But there are also less healthy types of masochism that manifest in people’s personal and professional lives. The psychological masochist is someone who looks for ways to torment themselves in their day-to-day.

For how to know if someone is a masochist, here are some common masochistic behaviors, traits, and tendencies.

1. You can’t say no.

The No. 1 sign that someone is a masochist is that they are unable to say no. Saying no is not selfish or unkind—it’s an act of radical self-care. It’s a way to communicate that you’re not able to say yes without inflicting literal or metaphorical pain upon yourself.

If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, pause and take a breather. Does your inclination to say yes come from a desire to please someone or seek approval? Check your motivations and give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s possible to say it with infinite compassion and tenderness.

2. You’re very invested in pushing yourself to be “good.”

You’re religious about your morning meditation practice. You try to do yoga every day, even when you’re sick, and if you miss it, you feel awful. You won’t let yourself “cheat” on your diet, even when it’s your birthday. You beat yourself up when you have too much to drink, and gaining five pounds turns you into a self-berating exercise tyrant.

Ease up. While there’s nothing wrong with discipline and good intentions, our quirks, eccentricities, triumphs, and mistakes are what make us so beautifully human.

3. You get off on sacrificing yourself for others.

A masochist sees personal pain and sacrifice as a means to gain validation. Check your motivations any time you’re called on for a favor, especially those that require you to sacrifice a lot of yourself. If you’re driven by feelings of unworthiness that lead you to overcompensate, or by a fear of disappointing someone, go inward. Soothe the part of you that yearns to rescue, and rescue yourself this time instead.

4. You resist receiving blessings when others try to give them to you.

Many people, especially those with the healer archetype, tend to get uncomfortable when too many blessings flow their way. In order to turn this around, you’ll have to practice “bench pressing” your receiving muscles.

Just like biceps, your receiving muscles need exercise. Try giving yourself what psychologist Anne Davin, Ph.D., calls a “beauty bath.” Treat yourself to beauty in all forms—beautiful music, aromatherapy oils, a Rumi poem, fresh flowers, a symphony. Overdo it. Practice drinking in all the beauty instead of resisting it. We all deserve blessings—you do too.

5. You are attracted to narcissists.

Narcissists can be charismatic, compelling, magnetic, and hard to avoid. But if you keep walking straight into that trap over and over, you may very well be a masochist—and an echoist, aka the opposite of a narcissist who’s always falling for them. Break the pattern now, and choose to spare yourself the heartbreak and disappointment you’ll inevitably feel when you keep choosing to be the Echo to someone’s Narcissus.

6. You fail to stand up for yourself.

It’s one thing to be kind, compassionate, and accommodating. It’s a whole other thing to let yourself become a doormat. The latter falls into masochistic territory. Be soft and yielding but also fierce and strong. It’s possible to be multifaceted and embrace all sides of you—and that includes a side that won’t be taken advantage of. It’s a surefire way to turn masochism into self-love and self-respect.

7. You’re hooked on perfectionism.

Many masochistic behaviors actually stem from perfectionism. Life is messy. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by a fear of being perceived as imperfect—a sort of fascism of the soul. Give your soul permission to be imperfect. It needs room to experiment, screw up, learn the hard way, and ultimately rise above it.

8. You judge yourself for negative emotions.

There’s no way to avoid feeling sad, lost, disappointed, scared, or angry sometimes. Spiritual bypassing—masking emotions by shifting your energy or monitoring your thoughts—always comes back to bite you. While it may help you avoid painful emotions in the short term, suppressing yourself is a soul-splintering sort of masochism.

Try to feel what you feel without holding back or judging any emotion as “wrong.” Resist nothing. You’ll be surprised by how quickly most painful emotions pass when you relax into them.

9. You’re magnetized to drama.

Masochists see drama and run right into the heart of it. If you’re a drama junkie, ask yourself why. Doesn’t it hurt? Do you want to keep hurting? Give yourself permission to prioritize the people and situations that cultivate the stillness in you.

10. You run the other way if anything feels too good.

While I’m not suggesting that we should all turn into overindulgent hedonists, the inability to relax into simple pleasures is an obvious sign of masochism. Do you find yourself bored when life flows with ease? Do you have a story that says that everything good in life comes alongside pain? Well, it’s time to rewrite the story. Allow yourself to experience infinite blessings without undue pain.

The bottom line.

Make sure you’re not kicking yourself if some points on this list describe you. Again, it’s OK that you’re not perfect. Just think of this as a time to look inward and work on yourself—most of us have tendencies that result in some form of self-sabotage, and now you’ve identified a few of yours. Now all you need to do is take some proactive steps and show yourself a little love.

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A Beginner’s Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist

Who, btw, says it’s the safest kind of sex you can have.

By Aryelle Siclait and Korin Miller

Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it’s important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.

At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.

“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it’s nice to be let off the hook,” Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you’re the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.

“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”

If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don’t make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you’ll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else’s methods won’t necessarily get you going.

Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”

Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.

1. Educate yourself.

Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you’ve seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad…extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.

But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here’s a quick primer, from Richmond:

  • Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.
  • Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts—or through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
  • Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult.

P.S. Your experience doesn’t have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you’re naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don’t particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).

2. Start with a fantasy.

Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.

3. Talk it out.

Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since “eye contact is how we communicate empathy.”

Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It’s extremely important that you’re as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don’t want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.

From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you’re both comfortable throughout the process.

4. Consider making it a group affair.

If you realize that you’re willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.

If they’re not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can’t get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it’s common for couples to agree that “when there’s one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon.” Again, not as scary as it sounds!

5. Write it down.

Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn’t a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you’re dating or married.

This way you’ll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner’s boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what’s to come (emphasis on come).

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6. Pick a setting.

Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it’s a place you feel safe, you’re good to go.

7. Come up with a safe word.

Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn’t anticipate, decide on a word you’ll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn’t normally say in the bedroom, such as “milkshake” or “turtleneck.”

Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it’s mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it’s clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they’re okay, stay by their side until they’ve expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they’ll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.

8. Check for emotional safety, too.

That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”

9. Go shopping.

BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators, paddles, anal beads, and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.

“This is all about pleasure,” says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.

10. Dress up.

The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you’re the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your “owner” during the session.

Have fun with it! You don’t need to go all-out Halloween-style, but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.

11. Go slowly.

“You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point,” says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.

Whether you’re just getting into BDSM or you’re a seasoned pro, the practice will always be “an experiential process where the more you do, the more you’ll know,” says Richmond. She assures she’s “very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon,” but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don’t cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.

12. Space out your experiences.

It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”

She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”

13. Save time for “aftercare.”

“The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves,” says Richmond. This conversation, typically called “aftercare,” is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.

The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that’s a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.

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