Category Archives: Dom/sub

Clueless

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Name: Josh
Gender: Male
Age:
Location:
About a month ago I fell in love with a girl in another country and tried the long distance thing. It was not the best relationship. Stupid I know now, but when you’re in love…
I am a very sexual person and well that’s the problem. I enjoy anal, and want to try some BDSM but I have no idea where to look for a girl like this. I want someone who can be wild but knows when to be a good girl. I have no idea where to look for a girl like this. I have tired online sites but I don’t like them. Been having no luck on them and I do better face to face. So any suggestions?

Ahhh, you sound like a real charmer, Josh. I love how you perpetuate the whole madonna/whore dichotomy. You want a bad girl in the bedroom and a good girl in…what the kitchen? Sheesh, it’s no wonder you’ve been striking out.madonna_whore

Before your begin your search for a playmate, learn how to talk to a potential partner about what you want. If you’re gonna continue to be all Neanderthal in your communication you mind as well pull the plug on this endeavor right now. Don’t know the first thing about asking for what you want or getting what you ask for? I have just the resource for you. Pardon the shameless self-promotion, but I think you should check out The Gospel of Kink.  I wrote it, in part, for people just like you. It’s a primer on how to start, build, and maintain kinky and alt culture relationships through effective communication.

When you begin your search for this illusive partner you’ll need to let go of your very outmoded way of thinking about women and their sexuality. No self-respecting woman is gonna even consider hookin up with you if they first get a whiff of your sexism. And this is especially true for sexually liberated women, like those in the madonna:whoreworld of kink and BDSM.

And just in case you don’t think the dichotomous madonna/whore mindset isn’t a put-down, imagine if a woman came on to you like that. I want a big-dicked stud in the bedroom who also makes six figures in the boardroom.

Next I’d want to know what you mean when you say; “I enjoy anal…” Do you mean you like to get butt fucked, or you like fuckin’ chicks in the ass? The answer to this question will determine where and how you look for partners.

Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that it is you who wants to get fucked. More and more straight guys are gettin off on anal these days, ya know. I guess they’re discovering the joys of prostate stimulation, a thing the gays have known for fuckin’ forever. Anyhow, looking for a woman who knows her way around topping a man is pretty challenging; there aren’t a whole lot of them out there. Besides. it’s certainly not something most women would put in their online profile. You may be slightly more successful in your search if you put it out there. Perhaps you should make it real clear in your profile, that you like gettin’ pegged.

And here’s a tip: when you have special sexual needs, like the ones you have, Josh, you need to offer perspective partners something in return for their indulgence. Here’s where you need to understand the concept of “Give to Get?” You want something extraordinary? You’d better be willing to offer something extraordinary in return.men in pain

Start now by learning how to finesse the fuck you want. Like I said, most women are unaccustomed to being a top. And they’d feel pretty self-conscious with a strap-on. So in exchange for the unusual sex you are looking for, most women will want something in return. Most women would probably feel more comfortable exercising a kink in a relationship of some sort or another. Are you relationship material? Because if you are not the women you seek have little to gain from being kinky with you otherwise. You’re also gonna have to offer to buy your perspective partner the strap-on and/or all the other toys you might need to satisfy your pervy side.

Before you look to satisfying your special needs, I suggest that you first find out what turns your partner’s crank and get her warmed up before you spring your kink on her. Be prepared to do whatever it takes to make a lasting impression that you are not only in this for yourself. If it take some hugging, kissing and lots of oral sex…you’d better take care of business first. It’s the least you can do.

bondageRemember, there are all kinds of relationships — from fuck (pegging) buddies to marriage. Know how far you want to go to get the goodies you desire and then be straightforward with your perspective partner. If you lie or prevaricate just to get what you want; you are bigger asshole than I already think you are.

Now hookin up with the BDSM crowd will also be challenging, especially if you’re a novice and don’t know what the fuck you want. Here’s where I think you would do well to work with a professional dominatrix. Even if you ultimately want to be a Dom yourself, I suggest that you learn the ropes, as it were, at the foot of a pro. And don’t expect this education to be inexpensive. Once you’ve found the dominatrix of your dreams, ask her to introduce you to the local BDSM scene. And if you’re not a complete douche, she’ll probably be willing to do so.

Like I said, you will need an entree into the scene, and there’s no one better situated to help you gain entrance than someone well established in the community. If you play your cards right, you may find what you are looking for.

And last but not least, be a gentleman about all of this. You can screw up the whole mess if you don’t have your head in the right space. Power play, and that’s what where talking about when we’re talkin’ BDSM, is more about the mindset than the genitals.

Good luck

More Sex EDGE-U-cation with Eve Minax — Podcast #398 — 11/20/13


Hey sex fans, welcome back.smartypants

She’s back! Author, educator, activist, coach, and pro Domme, Eve Minax, is back with us today for another go-round on this Sex EDGE-U-cation show.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our chat, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #397 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Eve and I discuss:

  • Sm-arts.com;
  • D/s, fantasy/role playing and hard sex workshops;
  • Why the weekend intensives;
  • Becoming Eve;
  • The derivation of her chosen name;
  • Making family;
  • Sex positive and kink aware healing and helping professionals;
  • TSHRA — The Alternative Sexualities Health Research Alliance;
  • KAP — Kink Aware Professionals.

You’ll find lots of information about Eve on each one of these fantastic websites HERE, HERE, and HERE! And don’t miss her Twitter feed HERE!

Click on the book art below to check out Eve’s latest book.

Bondassage

 

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Eve Minax — Podcast #397 — 11/13/13


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

A little over a month ago, the Sex EDGE-U-cation series brought us to the Bay Area. Which, as you probably know, is like ground zero for some of the most renowned talent in the world of fetish sex, kink, and alternative lifestyles. Today, we EfficientEducatorreturn to that neck of the woods, but instead of Berkeley, CA we head straight for San Francisco. Ok, so straight might not be the best way of putting it, because we’re gonna be visiting with one of that city’s most notorious kinksters. My guest is author, educator, activist, coach, and pro Domme, the oh so delightful Eve Minax!

I’d say that Eve is as smart as a whip, but that wouldn’t even tell you half the story. That’s because she is also as funny as all get-out. I dare you to stick around and let Eve shake your world.

Eve and I discuss:
Her moniker, The Approachable Pervert;
Being in sin city for the AVN awards;
Becoming Mistress Minax;
I’m a clown/I’m a Domme;
Bondassage: Kinky Erotic Massage Tips for Lovers;
The essential energetic connections in BDSM;
Transcendence for the sexual outlaw,
The essence of energy exchange;
Psychic-waste management;
Dom/sub archetypes and Dom/sub pheromones.

You’ll find lots of information about Eve on each one of these fantastic websites HERE, HERE, and HERE! And don’t miss her Twitter feed HERE!

Click on the book art below to check out Eve’s latest book.

Bondassage

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg

Now Hear This!

Hey sex fans…foundation for sex positive culture

Particularly all you ladies and germs here in the Puget Sound area!

I want to invite you to a very special event taking place at The Foundation For Sex Positive Culture.

A workshop and book signing event with refreshments for The Gospel of Kink by me, Richard “Dr. Dick” Wagner, Ph.D., ACS.

When: 09/21/13  3PM to 4:30PM (formal presentation starts at 3:30pm)
Where: Annex
Who: Anyone 18+ with ID
Cost: $10
(No other CSPC discounts or AYCE cards applicable.)

Purchase Advance Tickets HERE  Enter discount code — E8F3Y — to get $5.00 off admission.

Book signing: 4:30pm – 5pm FREE

I will discuss the topic of my latest book: Building, Maintaining, and Deepening Kink Relationships Through Effective Communication. I will be joined by four of our favorite seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture personalities (they contributed to the book) for a fun, lively, and stimulating panel discussion and Q&A. All we be on hand for a book signing afterward.

About the book:

  • The Gospel of Kink is a workshop in book form. Its innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.
  • The Gospel of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.GOK small cover
  • The Gospel of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.
  • The Gospel of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.
  • The Gospel of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.
  • The Gospel of Kink is a workbook designed primarily for the modern kinkster, but not exclusively. Family, friends, healing and helping professionals, teachers, students, indeed anyone who wishes to further understand and better communicate with those they know on the sexual fringe, will benefit from this book.

About The Contributors

Samantha is a bisexual switch who has been a part of the SM and swinger communities for 12 years. Her favorite motto, which she uses for both worlds is, “If it isn’t fun, then why the fuck do it?”  Following in a tradition of her own creation, she would never claim to know the One True Way. And would not spend much time (let alone play) with anyone who would say such things.  She is an active volunteer and she has several causes (kinky and not) that she supports.

Byrdie is currently a student who is trying to find ways to recover from codependency in every aspect of her life including romantic relationships, friendships, and work. She says she is learning to tell the difference between her instincts and knee-jerk reactions to triggers. She’s also learning not to be so afraid of failure. As she says, she has just as much right to ask for things, speak out, act, and follow her dreams as anyone else.  Byrdie now says she is a hedonist. She wants what she wants when she wants it. She prefers primal play (punching, biting, scratching, growling) and deep thud sensations. And she has a fondness for Daddy/Girl play.  She identifies as someplace between bisexual, pansexual, and heteroflexible, and is working to improve trust and sensual intimacy with other women.  She is one of the earliest members of the Center for Sex Positive Culture. She is an avid attendee at culture-oriented workshops and is easing back into the social scene.  Most recently Byrdie initiated the Seattle edition of Mollena Williams’ “Know Your Negro,” a photography project intended to bring attention to the dearth of brown faces in the Kink/Leather world.

Jack Slash, aka Jack the Journeyman, has been a member of the Seattle Leather community since 1982, and a practitioner of S/M since 1974. Before the year 2002, he was known as “Dragon Xcalibur.”  He holds two past Leather titles: Seattle Leatherwomon 1988 and Seattle Leather Ambassador 1997. In the eighties and nineties, he was a member of the now disbanded Leather doo-wop singing group, The Sluts from Hell.  He teaches workshops, judges local and international contests on the West Coast, participates in local fund-raisers, and leads spirituality circles at Queer Leather events since the 1980′s in Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, B.C. and San Francisco. Workshop presentations include-blood sports, branding, impact play, fear and terror, ritual sacrifice, and honeybees.  He is a sought after speaker on the topic of S/M and gender fluidity within the Leather community. As part of a group of community elders he often shares his perspective on the Pacific Northwest Leather history.  Jack says that S/M has informed his life and his personal spiritual path for more than thirty years bringing him lifelong friendships, great enlightenment, and much joy and pleasure.

Kristen Knapick, MA, LMHCA, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Seattle. She specializes in working with those for whom kink/poly/sex work/queerness/gender variance are a part of life whether the source of a problem or not. Her nearly 20 years of experience as a member of all of these communities gives her a unique, non-judgmental perspective on mental health within them, and her professional training has sharpened her skills.  Kristen has presented material at Babeland, Powersurge, Living in Leather, The Center for Sex Positive Culture, Women In Kink, and Gender Odyssey. She has organized professional trainings for mental health providers on polyamory and BDSM, and created a research project to explore the aging of the transgender community and the ways in which our current system is unprepared for assisting these trailblazers. Currently, Kristen is working to raise awareness and visibility for the needs of trans/gender-nonconformists, sex workers, and kinky and/or polyamorous people within the mental health system.

Join Me In Celebrating…

Hey sex fans!

I have some fantastic news. My latest book, The Gospel Of Kink — A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For, has just been published.  You’ll find it on Amazon and in all your favorite bookstores.  Kindle and Nook version coming soon.

  • The Gospel Of Kink is a workshop in book form. Its innovative and interactive format presents the reader with numerous situations and dilemmas that arise as people embrace their kinkiness and integrate their eroticism into daily life.GOK small cover
  • The Gospel Of Kink is on the cutting edge of the sex-positive and kink-aware movements. This workbook helps the reader break free from the painful silence the dominant culture imposes on alt culture and those of us on the sexual fringe.
  • The Gospel Of Kink provides an opportunity to learn from people just like you. Its on-the-page workshop features a group of ten fictional characters who are your fellow participants. In addition, it includes a panel of actual seasoned kinky, BDSM, and alt culture practitioners who share their expertise and life experience with you.
  • The Gospel Of Kink engages you with numerous exercises and homework. As a workshop participant, you will complete A Personal Alt Relationship Inventory, discuss the Essentials of Effective Communication, identify Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts, and learn how to Keep Things Fresh and Interesting.
  • The Gospel Of Kink provides a safe and secure place for you to air your concerns without fear of being judged for how you live your life or with whom you choose to live it. You will learn within a framework of honesty, activity, alliance, support, and humor.
  • The Gospel Of Kink is a workbook designed primarily for the modern kinkster, but not exclusively. Family, friends, healing and helping professionals, teachers, students, indeed anyone who wishes to further understand and better communicate with those they know on the sexual fringe, will benefit from this book.

Here’s a tip. There’s a 13 page preview of The Gospel Of Kink HERE!

 

“I can safely say that this book is fundamentally different in style and scope from everything else I’ve ever read on the topic and I think you’ll agree.”

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