Here’s How You Can Talk To Your Partner About Your Fetish

by Neeta Karnik

“Tie me up and tell me your dreams.”

We wish it were that easy to tell our partners about our fetishes. But sometimes, the confidence takes a back seat, and we end up breaking in sweats, dismissing the idea of opening up to our partner. Don’t worry; if you have experienced such a moment, it is completely understandable. This is something that does require courage as you are opening up about something that you are vulnerable about. So to help you, here are a few ways that you can talk to your partner about your fetishes.

1. Communicate Your Trust

It is best to tell your partner that you find this topic sensitive, and it has taken a lot of courage to be open about it. You can also tell your partner that you trust them, but there is a small part of you that fears that you will be judged. This way, you are letting them know about your insecurities of being perceived differently, and you are hoping that they will be more mindful of their words.

2. Start Small

While you may have the kinkiest fantasies, you may also want to go slow when it comes to revealing them and see how your partner is accepting the news. Moreover, try not to joke about it to make the situation light. There was a time when I was so nervous about telling my partner about my sex-adventures that I added, “Just kidding!” at the end. This further confused my partner. So it is best to leave the jokes aside and talk about it in a simple manner by revealing your least kinky fantasies first and then breaking the big ones once your partner is in the zone for it.

3. Try Mutual Disclosure

If you are feeling a little overwhelmed, try asking your partner to talk about his/her fantasies so that you can feel comfortable disclosing yours. This way, you will feel more confident in revealing your fetish to your partner. If you want, you both can try writing it down, and then exchanging notes.

Just like all of us experience emotions in our unique way; similarly, our sexual experiences are also unique to us and having a fetish is completely normal. Don’t worry; your partner will be understanding of your desires in bed. Besides, it never hurt anyone to be creative in the bedroom, with consent!

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Kink-Shaming?

(And Why You Should Avoid Doing It)

By Alex Manley

How Kink-Shaming Can Keep People From Feeling Sexually Liberated

You’re hooking up with someone for the first time — or the second, the tenth or the hundredth — and you think you know what to expect, but then they ask if you can try something new. 

Immediately, you’re a little cautious. What if it’s weird? They blush a little bit. “Well, you see, I’ve always wanted to try this thing … but it’s a little kinky…” You gulp as they lean in and whisper the secret desire into your ear. You want to make them happy because you’re not a jerk, but this fetish is way out there, and not at all something you’re used to.

“Gross,” you say. “You’re really into that?” Your hookup buddy looks embarrassed. “Never mind,” they say, grabbing their clothes from the floor. “I should probably get going

What just happened? Well, there’s a name for it: kink-shaming. And even if you don’t think you’re doing it, you probably are.

What Is Kink-Shaming?

“This girl I met on Tinder told me she wanted to try this thing called ‘caking’ — spreading cake batter all over your naked self. I was like, ‘Hmmmm, no.’ Very unsanitary, and I don’t like wasting food.” – Miguel, 28

Kink-shaming is basically exactly that —shaming someone for their sexual desires when they don’t line up with what you think is normal.

“Kink-shaming is when you embarrass someone for their sexual preferences and believe something is wrong with them because of their sexual interests,” says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist based in Hawaii.

This could be about a fetish, a kink, a preference, a history of certain behaviors, or even just an openness or willingness to try something that the other person considers unconventional.

“I would define kink-shaming as the negative judgment and criticism of all sexual contact that isn’t considered vanilla or ‘mainstream,’” says Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness.

Brito notes that some common targets of kink-shaming include “fetishes that are uncommon, such as titillagnia (arousal to tickling other people) or urophilia (arousal to urine or urinating on others), dressing up as a furry or a desire to be choked or spanked.”

However, there are some that are gender-focused — men, for instance, often kink-shame “their girlfriend’s/wife’s interest in group sex, public sex, threesomes, double penetration, having a rape fantasy, masochist or sadist interestsl,” notes Brito. Or when talking to other men, they might be judgmental toward things like “same-sex attraction, same-sex fantasies, autogynephilia, men attracted to transwomen or non-binary folks.”

This kind of thing can play out in all different ways. It could be as simple as making fun of your friend for a hookup story with an unexpected detail in it, or it could be your long-term significant other trying to make you feel dirty for asking for something new in bed.

While it might not be coming from a place of hurtfulness — it’s as often a sense of surprise or shock rather than outright cruelty — it can still be incredibly demeaning.

How Does Kink-Shaming Negatively Impact People?

“I had a man recoil and tell me he ‘doesn’t do that weird sh*t’ when I placed his hand closer to my neck. It made me feel super uncomfortable for the rest of that interaction.” – Maria, 29

“Kink-shaming really only serves to make people live in silence and fear of judgment,” says Caraballo. “It creates negative internal emotional consequences, leaving the receiver to question the validity of their own desires. This could exacerbate any lingering questions of self-worth, depression or anxiety that the receiver already has about their sexuality and identity. It can negatively impact their ability to have and enjoy sex, and might kill desire altogether.”

It can also have a serious impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being, ultimately causing psychological harm in the end.

“They may feel invalidated, dismissed, misunderstood,” says Brito. “It can negatively impact their relationship with their significant other, cause someone to withhold information or hide their kink from them. [And] at its worst, kink shaming can be used as a weapon against someone, and can cause someone to lose their job or their family.”

That might sound extreme, but instances of people’s sex lives becoming public knowledge are often weaponized against them in some form; the belief that a certain non-conformist sexual interest is unacceptable or somehow indicative of a person’s core moral character lives on in popular thought.

As a result, it’s worth thinking about how kink-shaming functions on a greater societal level, rather than just instances of one person shaming another. When we normalize kink-shaming and general sex-negative attitudes, people grow up feeling ashamed of desires they cannot control.

How Can You Stop Kink-Shaming?

“When I was in my teens (and probably even into my early 20s), I thought it was really funny to make fun of furries. But at some point, I realized that I was belittling people for sexual desire that I didn’t understand, even though it was being practiced by consenting adults. There was no real justification for it other than that it felt good in a shallow, sh*tty way to mock outsiders and people who don’t conform. I never tried to shame anyone directly, but I definitely carried that prejudice for many years.” – Ian, 30

Considering the widespread societal consequences of kink-shaming attitudes, and the seriously negative consequences it can have on a person’s wellbeing, it’s worth considering how we can move away from kink-shaming in general.

To that end, sex education — not just about the physical ins and outs of sex, but how desire works — can be a huge factor.

“I think that education is the biggest way to combat kink-shame,” says Caraballo. “There are a lot of misconceptions about why people enjoy kink (or certain forms of kink) and getting exposure to accurate information helps combat negative, internalized puritanical views about sex and kink.”

Brito agrees that education is important, but notes that there are lots of ways we can help shift our culture away from its current kink-shaming state.

She suggests “being willing to learn more about the diversity of human sexuality by being exposed to more sex-positive messages, by de-stigmatizing sex and knowing how to distinguish the difference between a sexual fantasy and reality, [and] by speaking up when someone is shaming someone’s kink.”

Brito also notes that some of the most common kink-shaming occurs within the self, meaning people shaming themselves for their own desires. If you struggle with that kind of thing, it’s worth putting in the effort to shift gears “by practicing self-acceptance, since working on embracing one’s interests is the first step toward accepting others.”

Finally, she adds, you can make a difference “by embracing the notion that everyone is different, and that having unique or non-traditional sexual interests does not mean something is wrong with you.”

Experiencing sexual desire is normal, and what exactly turns you on is often largely out of your control. Until you recognize that your desires alone don’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it’ll likely be a struggle for you to genuinely accept yourself and your sexuality.

But if you commit yourself to working through these issues — with a partner, perhaps, or in therapy — it’s absolutely possible to arrive at a healthier, more confident place where your own comfort with your sexual desires means you’re not looking to ridicule, diminish or shame others for theirs.

Complete Article HERE!

If You’re Into Kink…

You Need to Join One Of These Dating Apps

By Erika W. Smith

Kink can encompass a lot of things: bondage, yes, but also spanking, choking, feet, cuckolding, and watersports. And it turns out that many of us are at least a little bit kinky. One Canadian study asked over 1,000 adults about their sexual fantasies, and found that about half were interested in some kind of kink. The most popular kinks fell under the categories of voyeurism, fetishism, exhibitionism, masochism, and sadism.

“People want to be tied up,” researcher Christian Joyal told the Montreal Gazette. “As long as it’s with a consenting partner, people will be relieved to know that their desires are not necessarily abnormal.” He added, “One hundred years ago, oral sex was considered gross, 50 years ago it was illegal and now it is the number one fantasy. In 30 years from now, I would be surprised if BDSM wasn’t part of normal sexuality.”

Whatever you’re into, you’re far from alone. And while you can certainly ask your Tinder match if they want to choke you or exchange “kink menus” with your partner, there are also kink-specific dating apps out there to make the search for someone with compatible kinks a little bit easier.

Keep in mind that, as always, consent is mandatory — and if you match with someone who wants you to sign a “consent contract” or refuses to use a safe word, that’s a red flag. If you don’t already know your potential kink partner, sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin previously suggested to Refinery29 that it’s a good idea to “[go] on a couple of dates and [get] a feel for someone, giving them an opportunity to demonstrate that they’re good with boundaries, before you do any BDSM.” And that goes for any other kink, too.

On the plus side, many people using kink-specific dating apps may already be kinky pros, rather than someone who just watched Fifty Shades of Grey for the first time. Here are a few kinky apps to get you started

Complete Article HERE!

Gay men reveal the fetishes they don’t want others to know about

Kinky gay men who are open and honest with partners are more likely to have better mental health

By Joe Morgan

Gay men have revealed the fetishes they don’t want others to know about.

XTube surveyed their users to determine and rank which fetishes they get turned most on by.

The winner was ‘partialism’, also known as a fetish for a particular part of the body. This could be anything from feet to a hairy chest.

Role play was second on the list, while narratophilia (or dirty talk) was third on the list.

The answers was collected from over 3,000 gay or bisexual men over the age of 18.

Fetishes

The full list:

1. Partialism (9.54%)

2. Role play (8.24%)

3. Narratophilia [or dirty talk] (7.55%)

4. Uniforms [firefighters, soldiers etc] (7.41%)

5. Bondage (7.31%)

6. Submission (7. 3%)

7. Exhibitionism [sex in a place you can get caught] (6.28%)

8. Voyeurism [watching others have sex] (4.7%)

9. Maschalagnia [armpits] (3.4%)

10. Macrophilia [someone being bigger than you] (2.79%)

11. Olfactophilia [smells and odors] (2.52%)

12. Clothing fetishism [leather, rubber] (2.14%)

13. Underwear fetishism [jockstraps, etc] (2.01%)

14. Ablutophilia [baths, showers] (1.78%)

15. Technosexuality [robots, toys etc] (1.4%)

16. Medical fetishism [doctors etc] (1.36%)

17. Podophilia [feet] (1.24%)

18. Coulrophilia [clowns] (1.11%)

19. Sitophilia [food] (1%)

20. Pygophilia [bums] (0.79%)

21. Transvestophilia [wearing clothing typically worn by the opposite gender] (0.65%)

22. Toonophilia [cartoons] (0.3%)

Kink and mental health

If you are kinky, psychotherapists advise to share it with your partners if you already have good communication.

Also, some studies say people who do engage in kink are more likely to have positive mental health.

Deborah Fields, a kink-specialist and psychotherapist, told Gay Star News: ‘[There are studies that say] people who are kinky are more likely to be ok with themselves. People who are kinky tend to have better mental health than people who are not.

‘It’s a hard one to judge. I see a lot of mental health issues. However, do I see any more mental health issues than those outside of the kink community. No.

‘I think what kinky people do is talk more. We have to talk about our shit more than someone that doesn’t. You’re negotiating consent. That community, we, are more likely to discuss things and be open about mental health upfront. The idea of being risk-aware is also including mental health.

‘Research says we’re quite ok. However, there’s no widespread research that has yet to look at the kink community.

Complete Article HERE!

What it’s like inside CFNM (clothed female, naked male) fetish parties

By

‘A chair was placed in the middle of the room, with a dildo taped to the seat. One by one we men had to sit on it, using the women’s spit as lube, then we shifted up and down on the dildo, wanking while everyone watched.’

Terry,* who’s 33, is describing the culmination of an event for those with a fetish for CFNM. The acronym stands for Clothed Female Naked Male, which pretty much sums up the nature of the fetish.

Terry, who works in HR, first discovered CFNM when he stumbled across it while looking at porn as a 16 year old. He tells Metro.co.uk: ‘I was turned on by it, so I searched what it was, then went looking for more.’

Five years later, Terry acted out his fantasies for the first time at a CFNM party held at a house in Kent.

Arriving at the start of the night, Terry was told to remove his clothes. Then along with the 14 other men attending, he was given a glass of Champagne, a mask (the wearing of which was optional) and a g-string for the initial ice-breaker.

Terry explains: ‘we put the g-strings on, then we were taken through to the ladies so they could guess the size of our cocks.’

The 30 women waiting for them were fully dressed and according to Terry, ‘they were in normal clothes, like jeans and T-shirts.’ Like the men, each woman had paid £45 to attend the event, with the entry fee covering food and drinks. Once the women had guessed the men’s size, the g-strings were removed for the big reveal.

‘We were measured soft and erect, and made to line up smallest to largest, then told to look at the ones bigger than us,’ says Terry, explaining, ‘it’s mainly to embarrass the little ones.’

For Terry, feeling embarrassed is part of the fun – despite being at the larger end of the line-up. He explains, ‘it’s still embarrassing getting measured, and being naked with other people – especially when it’s only the men who are naked. I like the embarrassment of being exposed, and the comments I get from being viewed. I enjoy it and get turned on.’

Activities at the event included being judged on the ‘best balls’ (criteria were size, firmness, bounce and overall look and feel) and ‘ring toss’ which involved the guys lying on the floor with their legs open while the women stood by their feet or a little further back, throwing plastic rings onto the men’s erect penises. The rings were, ‘like kids’ toys – probably about 6 inches in diameter,’ says Terry.

Other games included ‘best helicopter.’ This involved ‘whizzing our cocks around like helicopters. The bad ones were knocked out of the competition and had to worship the women’s feet,’ says Terry, who actually rather likes women’s feet.

Then it was ‘decorate a cock.’ According to Terry, the penis painting – carried out by the women – produced an Elvis, a few lions, a strawberry, and a squirrel. He adds: ‘one was a banana – it was bent like a banana so that was an obvious one. Mine was an elephant.’

The men were required to stay erect at all times without touching their genitals. Punishment for losing their erections included ice-cubes being melted on their bodies and being spanked. Recalling his punishments, Terry says, ‘I was face-sat for ten minutes.’

The penis painting was followed by an ‘edging competition’, when the men were brought to the point of orgasm without cumming – if you cum, you fail. Describing the scene, Terry says: ‘It was two women per man, and they’d each take it in turn masturbate him. When he gets close to cumming they stop – that’s one edge. After 30 seconds or so – or when the twitching’s stopped – they start wanking him again. We had to do it eight times.’

The men then masturbated in a competition to see who could ejaculate the furthest. The distances were measured, and marked by a little box. ‘That became the distance to beat for the next ones up,’ says Terry.

The final activities before The Dildo Chair consisted of, ‘a sexy dance-off for the men, and seeing who can get the hardest erection – with the girls only whispering in your ear to get you erect. A judge was appointed to feel all erections.’

The party was the first time Terry had used a dildo. He says, ‘it was cleaned each time, and a new condom was put on it, but I was very nervous. When it was my turn, I really didn’t want it and I wasn’t sure what to do, but I walked over and one of the ladies helped me get on the chair. My arse was lubed up, then I slowly lowered my bum over the dildo.’ He adds: ‘It was hard to relax, and it hurt, but there was no damage, so I didn’t regret it.’

Terry has since been to about 15 CFNM events, some of which were a lot more low-key. ‘Sometimes they’re just cocktail parties – the men are naked, but nothing sexual happens,’ he says.

He adds that, like the first event he went to, it’s the norm for the women to be dressed in everyday clothes, and he’s only been to one event where the women were dressed as dominatrixes.

Annabelle, who organises CFNM events, echoes Terry when she says, ‘only once did we do some dominatrix style attire. Usually we don’t wear anything in particular – just normal clothes – nothing that excites the men too much.’

Now 34, the seed for Annabelle’s interest in CFNM was sewn at a hen party 15 years ago. ‘We had a stripper, and I liked admiring him without having to do anything,’ she tells us. ‘Seeing attractive guys naked is always a winner, but with CFNM it’s about power too.

‘You’re controlling the naked man, telling him where to stand where, and what to do – it’s exciting. I like dominating men, and I can’t resist an opportunity to humiliate them.’

Coming home from the hen do, Annabelle ordered her boyfriend of 18 months to strip off and serve her drinks naked. ‘I demanded it. I said “no sex unless you do as I say!” He went into a blind panic – he couldn’t keep his clothes on. I think he was more worried than anything.’

As the relationship progressed, Annabelle ordered him to masturbate on demand, and to suck and worship her feet. ‘It’s thrilling to have a naked man at your feet,’ she says. ‘You should try it – I’m sure you’d enjoy starting sex with you clothed and your boyfriend naked.’

Initially, Annabelle was unaware that there was a name for her new interest. ‘I just wanted more naked men in my life! Then a friend said, “this is CFNM!” I looked into it, and started watching porn on it and getting into groups and meet-ups around it.’

Annabelle found her first CFNM group on Meetup and from there she discovered Walnut Walk, a site ‘where ladies can be a little bit naughty’ with a chat forum, events and porn clips all geared to CFNM.

The first CFNM event Annabelle went to was at a nightclub in Holborn that had been hired out for the evening. She paid a £15 entry fee which included drinks, and arrived to find naked men holding trays of Champagne and canapes. The 40 clothed women and 20 naked men were left to mingle, but Annabelle was less than impressed.

‘The guys were handsy and possibly not genuine CFNM fans, as they were all about touching, and “let’s see your tits, let’s have sex”,’ she tells us. ‘They’d come over while we were chatting and put their dicks in our faces asking for blow-jobs, despite this being against the rules.’

However, the end of the night made up for it: ‘After a couple of hours, the guys with erections stood at the front and masturbated for us, then left – this happened until all guys were gone.’

Complete Article HERE!