10 Misconceptions About BDSM

By Griffin Wynne

If Hollywood made a blockbuster film about all the common misconceptions about BDSM, it would be called 50 Shades of Grey Area. From outdated ideas to complete misrepresentations, there is no shortage of faulty information out there about BDSM. And while experimenting with kink may not be everyone’s cup of tea, listening to experts spill the tea about BDSM can help everyone stay informed.

“BDSM is something that the general population doesn’t know much about,” Kayna Cassard, sex therapist and founder of Intuitive Sensuality, tells Elite Daily. “So, they make up stories about what it means for people who engage in it.” According to Cassard, the lack of accurate information about BDSM often leads people to stigmatize the practice. “Our stories are often informed by [outdated or limited] belief systems,” Cassard says. “When you have those systems filling in the blanks on something like BDSM, there is a lot of negative judgment about it.” Whether you’re just starting to dip your toe in the kink world or you’re a BDSM babe that’s tired of correcting all the misinformed stereotypes, knowing the real tea about the kink community can be super helpful.

Here are 10 common misunderstandings about BDSM, cleared up by experts.

1. Myth: BDSM isn’t consensual.

Like any sexual encounter, engaging in BDSM requires talking about consent and intentions before getting down to business. “BDSM is 100% consensual and the result of explicit, thorough communication,” Brianne McGuire, host of the Sex Communication podcast, tells Elite Daily. “Activities may include physical contact that appears violent, but really, it’s the manifestation of an agreed-upon dynamic.” As McGuire shares, BDSM is a completely consensual practice that demands transparency from all partners. “BDSM emphasizes consensual play and teaches us tools to communicate our erotic and sexual needs more effectively,” Cassard says.

2. Myth: BDSM isn’t feminist.

For sex educator and “24/7 Sub” Lina Dune, a huge BDSM misconception is that the practice is not feminist. “As a submissive, I have been told all manner of things about why my role in BDSM is not feminist,” Dune says. “But BDSM is the coming together of equals to participate in consensual power exchange. Any way you slice it, that’s feminist to me.”

As Dune shares, BDSM can create space a particularly special space for women, femmes, and assigned female at birth (AFAB) people to reclaim their sexuality and sexual power. “And if there are some spanking, name-calling or ball gags thrown in there? All the better,” Dune says.

3. Myth: BDSM only involves penetrative sex.

Though penetrative sex can be a large part of BDSM, McGuire and Cassard both share that BDSM isn’t only about sex. “BDSM activities often involve no penetration,” McGuire says. “The nature of sharing energy and power in a highly communicated, consensual way goes far beyond sexual release.” Cassard agrees that BDSM can be a “tool in your relationship and sexual arsenal,” helping you and your partner communicate more effectively.

“BDSM is a practice that can offer so many opportunities for growth, fun, and deeper intimacy — and it doesn’t even have to do with sex,” Cassard says. “It provides experiences that address so many things that are important to a relationship and personal well-being such as mental stimulation, sensation play, control and power dynamics, and fantasy exploration.”

4. Myth: BDSM is expensive.

“There’s a misunderstanding that BDSM isn’t accessible because there is a big commitment involved in buying proper equipment,” Gigi Engle, sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Elite Daily. “You can use anything around the house. A wooden spoon can be a paddle; a scarf can be handcuffs or a blindfold.” As Engle shares, while some may want to build a dungeon or shell out for a special whip, BDSM can just about communicating and exchanging with your partner(s). You can get creative together and have fun along the way.

5. Myth: BDSM is all leather and bondage.

While pop culture may depict BDSM as all leather and bondage, Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, relationship and sex therapist, shares that the practice is actually incredibly versatile and multifaceted. “The biggest misconception is that BDSM is one particular thing,” Dr. Jones tells Elite Daily. “BDSM can be entirely different from one scenario to another.”

According to Dr. Jones, while some people are into more extreme BDSM activities, like suspension bondage or masochism, others may be more into moderate or light BDSM, like wearing blindfolds or roleplaying. Whatever the case, BDSM means something different to everyone who engaged with it. “A major misconception is that there is ‘one way’ to do something or that BDSM has to be this strict, regimented thing,” sex educator and mental health professional Lola Jean tells Elite Daily. “There isn’t one ‘right’ style or method or right or wrong. It’s about finding and tailoring what is right for you regardless of the role that you’re in.”

6. Myth: BDSM is only for dominatrices.

The truth is, there no one “type” of person that is into BDSM. While some people are more public about their kinks and interests, others may be into BDSM on the down-low. Whatever the case, Dr. Jones emphasizes that anyone can practice BDSM.

“There are people from all walks of life, various racial, cultural, educational, and socioeconomic backgrounds, who take part in BDSM sexual practices,” Dr. Jones says.

7. Myth: You’re either a Dom or a Sub.

Binaries are over, baby. While some people who partake in BDSM may be a full Dominant or a total submissive (or a full-on sadist or masochist), BDSM is not an “either-or” situation.

Some couples switch positions,” Dr. Jones says. “Others are interested in BDSM, not because they are masochist, but because they enjoy giving pleasure, or depending on what the BDSM includes, they enjoy their partner’s uncontrollable passion.”

Jean agrees that stereotypes about what certain roles look like can prevent people from really understanding how BDSM functions. “These stereotypes are so limiting, and they prevent us from getting to know the other person as well as ourselves,” Jeans says. “BDSM can look completely different from person to person or pairing to pairing.”

8. Myth: BDSM is all about power.

Jean shares that while some people may engage in power-play or enjoy being dominant or submissive, BDSM isn’t always about the exchange of power. “There is a misconception of power and where that comes from, which leads to individuals wielding that power irresponsibly,” Jean says. “BDSM is not about power exchange for everyone. Fetishes and lighter play can fit within here too.”

While some couples may prefer to keep their experiences more intense, Jean says that others may enjoy being silly and having fun together. “BDSM is entirely individual and intricate and nuanced,” Jeans says.

9. Myth: BDSM should be kept private.

If you grew up in a more conservative area or you carry a lot of internalized shame around sex, Cassard shares that it can be easy to feel like BDSM is “wrong” or “dirty.” While you never need to do anything you’re not into, Cassard attests that being into BDSM doesn’t make you a “bad” or “shameful” person — it’s just another thing that you’re into. “[Practicing BDSM] is normal, and there have been studies showing that there are pretty high levels of mental wellness in the BDSM communities,” Cassard says. There’s no reason to keep BDSM a secret if you don’t want to, as there is nothing shameful about partaking in it.

10. Myth: BDSM is all about pain.

“You can have BDSM without any pain at all, and you can have it where you walk away with bruises all over your body. Each experience is carefully crafted and curated by those participating in the play,” Engle says. While some people are into BDSM with more physical contact, Engle shares that BDSM isn’t innately violent or about pain.

Additionally, Dune emphasizes the importance of aftercare and cuddling, as well as checking in afterward. “A crucial component of any BDSM practice is aftercare so that the partners can reset their nervous system and emotionally get on the same page,” Dune says. “BDSM is a structured way of playing with more intense sexual themes and sensation play, but the ritual of it is meant to safeguard against bad outcomes like trauma, abuse, or triggers.”

From ropes and paddles to feathers and ice cubes, BDSM can look different to everyone. Of course, no matter what you’re into, active consent is the most important part of any BDSM practice. And whether you’re suspended in the sky or laid out on the floor, consensual kinky sex means leaving no room for grey areas.

Complete Article HERE!

When BDSM and sobriety go hand-in-hand

By Tracey Anne Duncan</a

My first foray into BDSM left me covered in bruises and smiling like a moron. I had been in recovery for opioid addiction for 18 months. It was okay. I felt stable. I also felt unbelievably bored. Dealing with my problems in healthy ways was a major joykill. Partying had been a pretty big time killer for me, and without it, life felt a little too smooth jazz. Kink quickly transformed those instrumentals, spinning them into a welcome chaos of pain and pleasure.

There was hair-pulling and roughhousing and ropes tugging and restricting me in all the best ways. My brain lit up, sending danger signals to my body. Adrenaline pulsed. For me, it was exactly the right amount of scary. For the first time in ages, I felt alive.

I was glad to not be strung out on pills, but I was also scared that I had burned out my joy receptors in some irreparable way. Life was a vast grey expanse of whatever. I was a freshly single sober adult living in New Orleans, the drunkest city on earth. It felt like not getting fucked up was really fucking up my life. Life felt serious and hard and I needed a jolt of excitement to remind me why my life was worth getting sober for. I found it in kink.

I purposefully dated others who’d gone through recovery and were sober, but that was unbearably awkward. Sober folks can be really neurotic. I know, because I’m one of them. When you stop blunting all your emotions with substances, you really start noticing how often you’re anxious. And there’s no pink wine to take the edge off of dating and having sex with a new person. I was fine with kisses and make-outs, but when things got hot, I would start to shut down.

Once my clothes came off, I would get locked in to a self-conscious mind loop. Honestly, I had had sober sex so rarely in my life at that point that it seemed like it might be impossible. How was I supposed to get naked with strangers without liquid- or pill-fueled courage? I was pretty sure that my sober life was going to be a sexless and joyless purgatory.

When I first started seeing a sober person who was into kink, I was kind of scared. Like actually frightened of injury. I’d never had particularly kinky sex before. My neurosis looped, full-force, in relentless questions. Was he violent? What if I let him tie me up and he really hurt me? Do people really use whips and chains? What if I didn’t like it? What if I didn’t know how to do BDSM right? But, like I said, I was bored, curious and I liked him, so I went for it.

You have to learn both to speak your needs verbally and also to read your partner’s body language. Its subtlety demands sobriety.

Most of the things that I did with that partner wouldn’t seem that kinky to someone into fetish, but it was all new to me. My partner loved rope and showed me enough to whet my thirst for knowledge. I fell in love with Shibari, Japanese rope bondage. It’s methodical and beautiful. Ropes are tied, checked, re-tied. You must be careful not to compress nerve bundles. Because there is some risk of injury, rope play requires deep communication skills. You have to learn both to speak your needs verbally and also to read your partner’s body language. Its subtlety demands sobriety.

But Shibari is only one modality among many styles of rope play. And rope play is only one practice in the giant world of BDSM. And BDSM is only a subset of kink. What I’m saying, is that there’s a whole sexual world out there that I didn’t know about.

It’s not just me; this is a bona fide trope. Folks in the recovery community are forever extolling the virtues of kink. “BDSM is a way that I can get all the chemicals in my brain revving. It’s somewhat risky but it’s surrounded on all sides by boundaries and negotiations,” Keener, a kinky sober person in NYC told The Fix.

BDSM gave me a way to channel my sexual anxiety into a power negotiation with another person that, in turn, reshapes some of my anxiety into excitement. Sex went from being stressful to being a dopamine rush, which is how it’s supposed to be. Addiction acclimated my brain to higher levels of risk and relief than the average non-addicted person. I didn’t want the actual risk that goes along with using, but I didn’t want to hate my life either. Finding kink showed me a world that was shiny black leather instead of existential grey.

Complete Article HERE!

What’s your fetish:

Power dynamics

By Shay Rego

Fetishes may seem like a taboo subject, but they’re much more common than we may think. Fetishism is defined as a form of sexual behavior in which gratification is linked to an abnormal object, activity, part of the body, etc.

College students’ curiosity and sexual exploration can increase curiosity in fetishism. From a sample of college students in a study conducted by Harvard, 22% said they were interested in fetishes, and 43% said they have or believe they have a fetish.

There are many different categories that span the fetishism criteria, and each category has multiple subcategories within it. Many fetishes can overlap with other fetishes. For now, I will discuss the fetish of power dynamics and its various subcategories, from the familiar to the rare.

Using power dynamics in the bedroom means allowing one partner to have more control over the situation than the other partner. Even the most vanilla of relationships show some type of power play.

Being the one in control can feel empowering and can lead to even more of a turn on. Being the one out of control can also be a huge turn on, as this allows someone to not have to worry or think about what to do next — they can simply enjoy.

BDSM

BDSM is the umbrella term used to describe relationships that use any single type of bondage, dominant, submissive, sadist or masochist scenario. These categories will be explored below.

Generally, BDSM can be anything from something as harmless as blindfolding your partner to having a full-blown sex chamber similar to Christian Grey’s in “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Partaking in BDSM doesn’t mean you and your partner have to specifically comply with one or more of the subcategories, but certain activities may lean more toward one.

Dominant and submissive

This is one of the most entry-level forms of BDSM. Basically, it’s an agreement between both partners where one pledges to be in charge of how everything in the bedroom is going to be, known as the dominant, and the other pledges to do everything that is asked of them by the dominant, known as the submissive.

Being submissive to the dominant can take place erotically in the bedroom, but it can also be carried into everyday lifestyles.

Bondage and discipline

Bondage is a subculture of BDSM. Bondage includes the practice of consensually restraining your partner for erotic purposes. Common restraint practices include handcuffing, gagging, blinding or shibari.

Shibari is a style of bondage developed by the Japanese and typically involves rope tying. This rope tying is also a form of art and, for some, a form of therapy or meditation.

Discipline falls directly in line with the dominant and submissive roles. If the submissive disobeys the rules or refuses to listen to the dominant, then the submissive is subjected to discipline. Punishments can include flogging, nipple clips, slapping and more. Punishments can carry on outside the bedroom as well.

Sadist and masochist

Sadism and masochism are on the more extreme end of the BDSM subcategories. A sadist is someone who directly derives sexual pleasure from inflicting pain onto their partner. A masochist is someone who receives sexual gratification from the pain inflicted on them from their partner. So naturally, sadists and masochists go hand-in-hand.

The idea is that the sadist, usually the dominant, enjoys carrying out punishment for something their partner may have done that was naughty. It’s not necessarily that the sadist enjoys inflicting long-term and significantly painful damage onto their partner. The masochists, usually the submissive, tend to feel like they deserve punishment for their naughty act and may feel better receiving their punishment.

Rape play

Rape fantasies are normal, despite how others might grimace in disgust and misunderstanding. It’s another form of a power dynamic. Usually, this type of power dynamic is done with a trusted individual or an already dominant/submissive relationship. This could be seen as an extremist form of sadism and masochism, but keep in mind that this fantasy is still consensual for both parties.   

The infliction of pain, feeling under ownership and loss of self for the “victim” incites sexual pleasure, whereas the simulation of violence can serve to show ownership or attachment to the “victim.”

Complete Article HERE!

Meet the BDSM therapists treating clients with restraints, mummification and impact play

By Gillian Fisher

When we say BDSM, you probably think of chains, whips, and all sorts of sexy stuff.

But there’s far more to it.

BDSM has long been recognised as an erotic practice, with more people than ever introducing aspects of bondage, domination, sadism and masochism into their sexual pursuits.

A combination of changing sexual attitudes and greater representation in mainstream media has sparked a new curiosity surrounding the pleasures of submission.

While BDSM has typically been categorised as a sexual preference, some professional dominants have decided to apply the key principles of control and abandon to therapeutic practice. According to these specialists, their specific brand of holistic BDSM has helped clients with a range of emotional issues from trauma to anxiety.

London-based Lorelei set up her own business as the Divine Theratrix in September 2018 after two years working as a therapeutic counsellor. Marketing herself as a ‘loving female authority’, Lorelei uses BDSM components such as restraint and impact play (rhythmic hitting) to enable her clients to open up.

Lorelei, 33, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘The first time I introduced BDSM to a therapy session, the client progressed more in two hours than they usually would in two months of traditional counselling. Having your physical presence is so powerful.’

Lorelei began to explore BDSM therapy after becoming frustrated by the rigid detachment she has to retain during traditional counselling sessions.

‘I was struggling with the barrier,’ she explains. ‘I thought “Christ if I could actually have contact with clients, I know it would make a difference to them”.’

The former lawyer became involved with BDSM while exploring her own sexuality at sex parties and was particularly drawn to the role of a dominant. Lorelei looks entirely unimposing, with a youthful, elfin face and a petite frame clothed in black trousers and a lacy black top. Despite her delicate appearance and obvious warmth, Lorelei has a certain air of command; a no-nonsense kind of confidence that one can imagine her using to great effect in her work.

Having gained her diploma in therapeutic counselling, Lorelei was struck by the similarities between BDSM and conventional therapy. A BDSM session with her is broken down into three main parts, which are holding (establishing the power dynamic and trust), opening and then putting back together again, which could easily describe a formalised counselling session.

But unlike standard psychoanalysis where everything is achieved through talking, Lorelei will apply physical and occasionally painful actions such as nipple tweaking or flogging to facilitate the different stages. This is always a detailed conversation about the client’s limits and session goals.

She also holds her £200 per hour sessions in a rented dungeon while garbed in classic fetish wear, which Lorelei explains reinforces the power balance and takes clients outside of their daily reality.

Lorelei tells us: ‘I deal with a lot of clients who have a lot of early trauma, which is incredibly difficult to shift because it’s in your primal brain, which predates any cognitive thought processes.

‘I know from personal experience that these feelings can be very overwhelming and they need to come out. In this setup, clients know that because I am completely in control, they can totally let go and I will be there to make sure they feel safe and feel held.

‘Just because I’m a dominant doesn’t mean I can’t be nurturing.’

Because of its reliance upon specific power roles, anticipation and the relinquishing of control, BDSM is an inherently psychological practice. But how does a BDSM healer make emotional catharsis and not sexual gratification the primary goal of a session?

New York based Aleta Cai tells us: ‘Making sure that client understand what they want to achieve through a session is key. I make it very clear that healing and self-actualisation are the primary objectives of my sessions.’

Aleta practices what she describes as Sacred BDSM which combines new age modalities such as reiki and clairvoyance with traditional BDSM devices, including sensory deprivation and restraint. A self-described empath, Aleta explained that the BDSM template allows clients to access a deeper level of surrender.

‘I feel that in the West, there is a focus on psychoanalysis and probing the rational mind, which can lead to people getting stuck in their own narratives,’ Aleta says. ‘Things may be alerted to the rational mind that the body needs to process, and BDSM can facilitate that processing.’

Born in China, Aleta moved to Los Angeles during infancy and has retained her tinkling LA inflection. However, the 29-year-old speaks in a slow, measured manner which demands full attention. After completing her degree in Psychology at NYU, Aleta worked as a professional dominatrix at a well-known BDSM dungeon for two years.

Her transition towards Sacred BDSM began three years ago. The turning point came during a standard mummification session (this process involves being wrapped up like its Egyptian cadaver’s namesake) where Aleta introduced crystals and healing energy devices to the process.

Aleta said: ‘I was amazed, in just 20 minutes I felt the client’s different energies being unblocked and the immense sense of release he experienced. That’s what began my journey towards introducing certain elements into my own healing work.’

The reiki master also runs what she calls a ‘vanilla’ healing practice alongside her multiple artistic projects. Spirituality informs both practitioners’ work, with Lorelei being inspired largely by branches of matriarchal mysticism and paganism while Aleta is particularly influenced by Eastern medicine and esoteric theologies.

Aleta says: ‘My intention is to maximise their healing through BDSM so for instance if I felt someone’s root chakra is very heavy, I would cane them repetitively until I saw a somatic relief in that chakra. If I mummify someone, I will take them into hypnosis which will allow them a deeper layer of catharsis that is not just the physicality of being wrapped up.’

The concept of accessing a kind of heightened consciousness through BDSM makes sense scientifically as pain triggers adrenaline and endorphins which can lead to feelings of euphoria. For this to be experienced in a therapeutic and emotionally releasing manner is mostly dependent upon how the activity is framed.

Seani Love said: ‘A lot of BDSM does involve some level of therapy anyway, because sexuality is humanity’s inherent driving force. But when you outline the BDSM experience as an emotionally healing practice, it involves all aspects of the person making the release not only psychological, but also emotional, physical and spiritual.’

The Australian native applies a variety of disciplines to his BDSM work, including Pagan ritual and Qigong, in what he describes as a ‘hodgepodge of healing practices’.

The former software engineer began working part-time as a Shamanic BDSM practitioner eight years ago, finally going full time in 2013. Seani now prefers the title of sex worker and has won awards for his travail, which earn him £390 for a three hour booking. However, the 49-year-old still runs sessions and workshops specializing in Conscious Kink and BDSM therapy. It was Seani who personally mentored Lorelei while she was deciding what path she would take.

At the start of our meeting Seani seems slightly nervous; softly spoken and prone to fidgeting. As the interview gets further underway he seems to relax a little, obviously passionate about the remedial aspects of his work. When asked about his greatest achievement during his BDSM therapy career, Seani describes an intense experience with a 65-year-old client who had been rejected by his mother after being dropped on his head.

‘I called in a female assistant so he could experience some maternal love in his body during the session,’ Seani tells us. ‘We retraced some particular steps, used some impact play to get him out of his head and got him back to that pre-verbal stage, then invited the assistant to hold and nurture him. It was so powerful; he finally found peace with his mother from the ritual we created.’

Seani also has a background in gestalt therapy and a level 3 diploma in counselling, but has found his particular therapeutic niche within the erotic and BDSM sphere. While he has helped many people through applied BDSM, he is quick to state that it isn’t the right path for everyone.

‘I think it’s important for me to say that I wouldn’t prescribe shamanic BDSM as a healing path for all people,’ he notes. ‘I would never directly recommend it, but if people are drawn to it, it’s available.’

At first glance, BDSM therapy seems contradictory. Alleviating emotional distress with physical pain seems illogical, even detrimental. But when done skilfully, this practice enables the expression of raw emotion, without rationalisation or any holding back from the client.

People have turned to primal scream sessions, isolation tanks and rebirthing therapy in pursuit of emotional balance and found such practices effective. With mental health conditions making up 28% of the NHS’s total burden, perhaps for some select people, an overtly physical approach could provide the release that is so desperately needed.

Complete Article HERE!

The Non-Intimidating Guide to Kinks and Fetishes

By Gigi Engle

There is still a strange, judge-y haze that falls over any kind of kinky sex. Even the very idea of asking “What is a fetish?” is taboo. People tend to think that people into kinky sex are sexual deviants—nothing like “normal” people having perfectly “normal” sex.

This, I must say, is a whole lotta B.S. Kinks are actually quite commonaccording to a 2014 study, 50% of Americans enjoy some kind of kink or rough sex fantasy, while 36 percent have used blindfolds and bondage gear during sex—totally normal, and totally available to everyone. (No sex dungeon or BDSM club required.)

What Is a Fetish?

Kinky sex is all sex that falls outside of the boundaries of “vanilla” or traditional sex. (Think: Missionary style sex with the lights off.) It’s the catchall umbrella term that captures the wide spectrum of sexual behaviors that you might be into. It’s somewhat subjective—what one person considers “kinky” could be another person’s “vanilla.” You might think doggy style with some light spanking is super kinky, whereas another person may need to be blindfolded and ball-gagged in order to think the sex is kinky. In other words, exploring your kinky side can be as adventurous as you want it to be.

Fetishes are a specific type of kink. A fetish is a fixation on something largely nonsexual (feet, bubbles, tickling, leather, latex, cotton panties, etc.). For people with a fetish, that normally nonsexual thing is actually a huge turn-on—they’re sexually attracted to it. Most people with fetishes require that item or sex act to become sexually aroused. For instance, someone with a foot fetish may need to lick, kiss, or nibble on their lover’s feet in order to get turned on. Kink, on the other hand, can be a part of sexual intimacy, but isn’t necessarily required for the sex to happen.

Exploring Kinks and Fetishes 101

Here is what you should know about the most common fetishes and kinks, how to try them, and what gear you can buy to make the experience more memorable (and fun).

BDSM

What is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, submission, sadism, and masochism. It sounds scary—like getting blindfolded, tied to the bed and whipped mercilessly—but that’s rarely the case. BDSM is not about the need to hurt someone or to be hurt by someone. It’s about exploring your boundaries and levels of control, not torture and misery.

How to try it: BDSM is actually the most common kink there is. It can be as quotidian as a little light spanking or biting; blindfolding your partner or asking them to bind you with fuzzy handcuffs; or various levels of sensation play (such as using blindfolds, feather ticklers, or ball gags), pain play (such as spanking, electro-stimulation, or whipping), and breath play (choking).

The one thing all safe BDSM has in common? It’s consensual and explicitly negotiated between partners, wherein one person willingly (and enthusiastically) gives up control to the other.

Role playing

What is role playing? Role play is one of the simplest ways to explore kink—who hasn’t had some kind of sexual fantasy in their lifetime? Whether your particular turn-on is a well choreographed scene straight out of Outlander or a slightly more vague scenario like two strangers meeting at a bar, role play is a good opportunity to explore some of those fantasies. It’s like creating your own script-based porn together—it gives you both a chance to be someone else and get out of your own head.

How to try it: Role playing can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be. In its most basic form, it’s just about you and your partner taking on new characters and acting out a scene. For instance, you could be the sexy repairperson who has come to fix your lover’s sink. If a doctor and patient situation is more your jam, you could always get your partner a white lab coat and have them give you a full “checkup.”

Latex (and other materials)

What is a latex fetish? Sexualizing materials—latex, lace, silk, leather, nylon, you get the picture—can be both a kink and a fetish. If latex is a kink, it means you enjoy latex (think: wearing a smoking hot latex bodysuit) as a part of your sexual play. A latex fetish means that latex needs to be involved in your play in order for you to get turned on. With a fetish, you’re genuinely attracted to the material: The sound it makes on a person’s skin, the smell, and the feel of it. Again, this is totally normal.

How to try it: If you’re into latex (or other such materials), it’s likely that you’ve known for a while. Maybe you came across a lovely pair of thick latex gloves in your kitchen or a pair of nylon stockings growing up and felt all the things. To get material-based fetish into your IRL sex life, simply start by bringing a latex (or leather, spandex, etc.) object or piece of clothing into the bedroom. Start with something simple like latex gloves. If this works for you sexually, you can try a latex bodysuit, wearing it or having your partner wear it (consensually, of course). If leather is more your thing, try wearing that vintage biker jacket you love to bed. Perhaps you and your partner could even go to a sex shop and invest in a leather riding crop if you’re feeling a bit adventurous.

Foot fetish

What is a foot fetish? Foot fetishes are very common—there are entire YouTube channels devoted to the worship of all things feet. Having a foot fetish means that you are sexually attracted to feet—clean, manicured feet, normal feet, or even dirty feet. This can also include being attracted to shoes such as high heels or sneakers.

How to try it: This can play out in different ways during sex. You may want to lick or kiss your partner’s feet, you could be into them stepping on you, or even rubbing a shoe over your body. Everyone is different and no one thing is stranger than any other (assuming your partner is down).

Voyeurism and exhibitionism

What is voyeurism? Voyeurism is when you enjoy watching people have sex—it’s the thrill of seeing something “you’re not supposed to.” In the traditional definition, the people you’re watching don’t know you’re watching, but this obviously violates their consent, which is a big no-no. If you want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can watch people engaging in sex acts with their knowledge of your being there. Voyeurism can also include enjoying other people watching you engage in sexual activity—commonly referred to as “exhibitionism.” They are two sides of the same coin. The excitement of exhibitionism comes from “getting caught” doing something “bad” or naughty.

How to try it: There’s already a bit of a voyeur in all of us. Getting turned on watching your partner touch themselves, watching porn, even heating up for a steamy scene on Netflix has the erotic element of peeking into someone else’s sex life. Try watching porn together and masturbating side-by-side. You get to watch the people in the video having sex, while enjoying intimacy with your partner. It’s a win-win for everyone. Exploring exhibitionism may also include things like having sex outside or in public (provided you do it very carefully). Here is a good guide to outdoor sex, should you be interested.

The Step-by-Step Guide to Trying Kinks and Fetishes

Curious but still a little intimidated? We’ve got you covered.

1. Involve your partner.

If you’d like to incorporate a kink or fetish into your sex life, talk about it. Have a solid conversation with your partner to decide what you’re both willing to explore before whipping out a riding crop in the bedroom.

It can be daunting, but having a conversation is critical if this is important to you. Start by talking about your mutual fantasies and go from there. You want to keep it light before moving into the more “intense” stuff. For example, if you’re interested in nylon, would you partner be okay with nylon stockings in bed? Would they be okay having their wrists tied with some nylon stockings? This way, you can both be involved in the execution, trying a bunch of different things that turn you on.

Think it through and be open and honest. It’s crucial that these conversations come with a big ol’ dose of empathy.

2. Do your research.

If a kink is new to you, do your research. Some of this play—bondage or choking, for instance—can be dangerous. Take a class or watch some YouTube videos. The best places for in-person classes are feminist sex toy shops such as Pleasure Chest or Babeland. If you don’t live in a major city, check out O.School. This online resource is an amazing place to take free online workshops from everything to blow jobs to kink to latex. Know what you’re doing before you try anything at all. You want to be solid in your skills before trying them on another human person.

3. Establish a safeword.

Safewords are nonsexual words that indicate when one partner would like to stop or pause the play. Choose a word that has nothing to do with that you’re doing in the bedroom. I suggest something nonthreatening such as banana, strawberry, sailboat, or hockey puck. You can also use a simple traffic light system: Green means go, and red means stop.

If you’re engaging in play that could disrupt a person’s ability to speak, such as breath play or wearing a ball gag, use a “three tap” approach: If you or your partner wants to stop, you tap them three times on the shoulder.

Why do you need a safeword? Because in some scenes “no” may be interpreted as part of the play. For example, in a ravishment role play fantasy or a super-submissive scene, if you say “no” or “stop” your partner may think you’re simply in character. A safeword also helps keep the erotic energy of the scene alive so that in event you want to keep going, you’re not completely deflated.

4. Do some shopping.

When it comes to gear, you don’t need to go out and buy a bunch of expensive stuff to make a fantasy or fetish happen. BDSM is definitely mostly gear-focused kink, but even so, it’s easy to utilize things from around your house. Try placing a T-shirt over your partner’s eyes as a makeshift blindfold, grabbing a wooden mixing spoon for spanking, or try running an (unused!) feather duster over your lover’s body.

For most fetishes, you’ll just need the specific item on which your fetish in focused. This could be anything from feet, to a leather crop, to a pair of nylon stockings. If you’re interested in leather specifically, we love these harnesses from Bijoux Indescretes. The company makes a whole line of fetish and BDSM gear that is inexpensive and easy for beginners to use. If latex is more your style, check out these amazing suits from The Latex Store.

I also love everything kink-related from Unbound. They make a super-adorable feather tickler, paddle, pinwheel, handcuffs, bondage tape, and blindfold that are perfect for BDSM neophytes. Plus they double as jewelry, a turn-on all its own. Check out the line here.

4. Check in.

Be sure to always have aftercare following sexual experiences. This is when the two of you take time to touch, kiss, caress, and reconnect emotionally.

In the following day or two, have an open and honest conversation about what you did correctly, what was working for you, and what wasn’t. Be willing to compromise to cocreate a sexual experience that is pleasurable, unique, and special for both of you.

When it comes to exploring kink and fetish, there is no “bad” or “abnormal” as long as everyone involved is an enthusiastically consenting adult. Don’t be afraid to broaden your sexual horizons. Learn all you can, be open-minded, and who knows? You might discover something you’re into that you’d never thought possible.

Complete Article HERE!

Why Chronic Pain Sufferers Are Turning to BDSM

For some folks, pain is the default setting. BDSM offers them a way to control the volume.

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“No pain, no gain” is a rallying slogan employed at both the beauty parlor and at the gym. Sometimes after a workout, you might even get a massage, which is quite literally the act of inflicting pain to the point of relaxation.

It’s why those who go looking for pain are often labeled perverts. It’s why those who live with it near-constantly (chronic pain) are often considered abject. Oftentimes, the two are interlinked. Kink and BDSM scenes are no stranger to the disabled and those living with chronic pain (some living with chronic pain self-identify as disabled, others do not). Which might beg the question: why do those living in pain seek out more pain?

According to Emma Sheppard, perhaps the leading (and one of the only) academics whose research centers on kink and chronic pain, there isn’t a causal link between the two, so much as there is a common understanding. After interviewing several people who lived with chronic pain and engaged with kink play over the course of 18 months, Sheppard found that BDSM was a useful tool—and perhaps a more common one than previously thought—for the disabled to communicate and control their pain. While the participants were primarily sexually submissive, Sheppard also interviewed doms (someone who takes on the role of the sexually superior and controlling), as well as switches (someone who veers between the two). What seemed to draw each of these participants to kink was the element of control.

“Controlling pain is important. Whether that be resting to decrease some pain, using painkillers if they work, moving position at the simplest level. Kink is taking this to its natural conclusion by making pain to control,” one participant from Sheppard’s study explains. Other participants used kink as a distraction from their pain, while another viewed pain as merely a practical consideration, Sheppard tells me. “A couple of participants (who were switches) felt they were less able to do painful things to others during play, but that willingness and ability shifted as they became more accepting of their pain.”

Having lived with chronic pain for the better part of a decade herself, Sheppard’s research into the link between kink and her condition exposes uncomfortable truths in terms of society’s norms around sex and pain. “We don’t like acknowledging times when pain is the point,” she writes over email, “and there’s this expectation that we always want that pain to stop—that stopping pain is a big concern (or should be) for people in pain, especially chronic pain.” The focus on pain’s end and its cure is an “ableist norm” which shape the unpained person’s understanding of those living with chronic pain.

We believe that their pain can be ended, mostly because seeing someone you love in pain is, well, painful. It’s why we might be inclined to say things like ”have you tried CBD?” But this is unfortunately, quite a bit less productive than we’d hope—sort of like offering a glass of water to a stranger with acne.

“It’s really difficult to just live with pain, because in addition to managing pain—which takes up energy and mental space—and managing other aspects of disability, chronically pained people also have to manage everyone else’s response to their pain,” Sheppard writes. As a result, those living with chronic pain often lose friends and lovers, as they’re actively discouraged from expressing their pain. However, a kink environment has the potential to give pain a new vocabulary—which benefits both the chronically pained—and those trying to understand pain outside of its limited medical and socially constructed definition.

This has been the case for Kate Sloan, a writer who regularly blogs about her experiences with chronic pain and kink. “I’ve been living with chronic joint pain for about 4 years now—so, roughly as long as I’ve identified as kinky. I wonder often if there’s a correlation there,” she wrote on a blog post from April. When I ask her what that link could be, she tells me that since BDSM often gives its participants the skill to re-contextualize pain, so that it becomes pleasurable or even spiritually transcendent in some cases.

While some kinksters are neurologically wired to experience pain as pleasure (they’re known as algolagniacs), others, like Sloan, have used the practice of kink to give more positive associations to their pain—since it’ll please their dominant partner—all while giving more more “meaningful justifications than chronic pain typically offers on its own,” Sloan says.

While neither Sloan nor Sheppard recommend BDSM for everyone suffering from chronic pain—it shouldn’t be treated as just another wellness trend like CBD—for those who are kink curious, BDSM’s provided a way for many to reconfigure their pain. For Sloan, she finds that intense sensation play (wax, electrostimulation), dirty talk, and being nurtured by a dominant partner, have provided rewarding distractions from her pain.

“This understanding has given me an almost Zen view of my chronic pain in general: I can notice it and be kind to myself when I’m in pain without necessarily hating my body for being in pain or thinking I’m doomed to perpetual unhappiness because my body hurts,” Sloan says. “Chronic pain for anyone can cause anxiety and depression. Living in severe chronic pain can drive suicide,” Sloan says. While BDSM doesn’t exactly alleviate any of these pains, at least for Sloan, it’s helped her to keep going through the process of trying to get help.

“I’ve also seen conversations about chronic pain and BDSM practices increase as people age,” Rebecca Blanton, who’s known by online kink communities as ‘AuntieVice’, tells me. “Now that there are large groups of BDSM practitioners over 50, a lot of us have developed various physical conditions which necessitate changing our play.” While Blanton describes herself as once “healthy and active”—someone who maintained a herculean five-sessions-a-week gym schedule—fatigue soon crept in, and in a matter of three weeks, she went from devoting the majority of her week to running and lifting to spending it keeled over in pain and bed-bound. The transition was disorienting, to say the least.

However, once she became immersed in her local kink scene, Blanton realized she was able to taxonomize her pain. She’s able to differentiate between sensations: “stingy, thuddy, cutting, burning” and can effectively identify and communicate the location and intensity of her pain to others with a breadth of vocabulary which she compares to the proverbial Eskimos’ 50 words for snow. As a result, Blanton has a better understanding of her body overall, making it easier for her to talk to a healthcare team about her condition—something that’s notoriously difficult for those living with chronic pain, especially women.

The BDSM scene has the potential to provide those living with chronic pain with what their friends, partners, doctors often cannot. A space to conceptualize pain, to explore it, to find words for it, and to control it. It’s a necessary outlet in which pain—and the people living with it—isn’t immediately bypassed, but embraced.

Complete Article HERE!

Seattle Shibari as Art Form

Sensual, Stunning Rope Bondage

By Gianna Spangler

Shibari is an ancient form of Japanese rope bonding that is fueled by a connection between the person doing the tying, the “rigger” and the individual being bound. Its origins are intricately tied to the Samurai tradition during the Edo period (the 1600s to the mid-1800s), which remained in use regularly until WWII. Samurai used a martial art called hojōjutsu to restrain prisoners with cord or rope. In the late 1800s, hojōjutsu began to take on erotic elements, and eventually transformed into an erotic art form called ‘kinbaku,’ meaning “the beauty of tight binding.” In the West this type of binding is often referred to as Shibari. Those involved in the Shibari community experience rope as a transcendental art form, an erotic liberation, an immersion into new and fresh spaces. It is a beautiful display of the human body, defying gravity and showing angles of the human form that we rarely see in our daily lives.

Before rope bondage ensues, the rigger establishes boundaries in an effort to keep the tying safe, consensual and a wholly positive experience for those involved. The waltz between pain and pleasure characteristic of the BDSM scene is not the primary objective of Shibari, though it does play its role. There is an evocative tenderness that permeates the atmosphere at tying events, and what emerges is sensational living, breathing human art.

Display of the Human Body

To learn more about the Shibari scene, DOPE sat down with Averie, an enigmatic rope enthusiast with three and a half years of tying under her belt. When asked what it was about rope bondage that connected with her, she responds, “Shibari is beautiful and serene. When I first saw it, I was amazed by the stunning display of the human body. The connection between the two people was powerful and beautiful, like a dance. There is beauty in the vulnerability of seeing people in their most pure form.”

As a rigger, Averie takes care to receive proper consent from those she is tying. Miscommunications do happen, but she emphasizes the importance of minimizing risk through effective communication early on in the process. Communicating risks, hard limits, soft limits, wants, relevant history with Shibari and medical history are essential  when being tied, and understanding that it is not a “one size fits all” experience is fundamental to the art form. Different dynamics exist between different sets of people, and partners must assess one another and set limitations. Consent flows both ways, and when utilized properly, can give birth to transcendental experiences and mind-blowing sensations.

Out of the Shadows

Averie, like most of the community, would like to see Shibari brought out of the proverbial shadows. Most people who are involved with the rope scene have to live “double lives,” using pseudonyms and keeping their social media accounts private. Many do not want to be subjected to judgement from those outside of the community who disapprove of the kink/BDSM lifestyle, so they remain hypervigilant in their lives to keep the areas separate. Maintaining this level of privacy can be exhausting, but the tides have been turning in favor of normalizing kink and, by extension, Shibari.

Today, more and more people are opening up to the possibilities of kink as a lifestyle. Popular media is normalizing kink though films, television and other mediums, and kink communities have been multiplying across the country. Averie has seen Shibari in the Pacific Northwest grow in the past several years, and she is excited to see it continue to grow. She feels that “something magical happens when somebody discovers kink” and it is as though they are “stepping into the world for the first time with avenues of open possibilities.”

Shibari 101: Tips for Beginners

  • Start slow, determine what attracts you to the art form and your end goal for learning the craft.
  • Check your ego at the door. Accept that there is a strong learning curve.
  • If you are a rigger, frustration is inevitable. Patience is key.
  • When you learn a new tie, take pictures every step of the way so that it can be replicated.
  • If you are being tied, be sure to establish firm boundaries with your rigger beforehand.
  • Go with your instinct. If something doesn’t feel right, say something.
  • Learn about yourself: how to speak up for yourself, how to be in tune with your body.
  • Understand miscommunication and mistakes happen, and it is important to learn from them in order to get the most from the experience.

Complete Article HERE!

What is a BDSM test, and what do your results mean?

Are you a master, a switch, or something else?

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Bondage and discipline, domination and submission (D/s), sadism and masochism. Over the past few decades, BDSM has become more and more popular. Blame it on 50 Shades of Grey, loosening sexual norms, or horny millennials. Regardless, kinkiness is in vogue. And it’s easier than ever to get started if you’re interested in doing some play yourself.

That’s where a BDSM test comes in. Quizzes, checklists, surveys, and exercises can help you safely gauge your own interests as a play partner. Whether you’re a dominant, a submissive, or something in between, taking a BDSM test will help you on your road to self-discovery.

What is a BDSM test?

Why you should take a BDSM test

Figuring out what you’re interested in is difficult. BDSM quizzes let you think about your tastes and preferences in an environment where you can sit by yourself and think carefully about your desires without pressure. Especially if you’re just experimenting with kink, the first thing you need to understand is yourself. Learning how to tie rope can wait.

BDSM tests also expose you to myriad scenarios involving D/s play, master and slave scenarios (M/s), and fetishes like pet play and watersports. Reading through these scenes and figuring out whether they do (or don’t) turn you on is a great way to better understand your sexual desires. Just remember that you know yourself better than an online test. Don’t let it constrict you.

Which test should you take?

The most well-known (and arguably best) BDSM test is called, simply, The BDSM Test. The website has been around for a number of years now, and it’s one of the first online stops newcomers visit to learn more about kink, fetishism, domination, and submission. The test comes in two versions. One offers a full palette of questions, and another is built for a fast, quick result. Users can also choose to skip prompts aimed at dominants, sadists, submissives, and masochists. We recommend taking the full test for the most accurate assessment possible.

There are additional kink and sexuality quizzes out there that can help you round out your kink profile. The Beiter Sexual Preference Indicator, a 90-question sexual personality survey by psychologist and therapist Dr. John Beiter, gives respondents a profile of their sexual roles and how they experience arousal. Dating site KinkMe offers a fast, 15-question BDSM test that lets users figure out what D/s role works best for them. And for subs, Submissive Playground hosts a quick personality test. All of these quizzes are great supplements to The BDSM Test, especially if you feel conflicted with the results.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Kink-Shaming?

(And Why You Should Avoid Doing It)

By Alex Manley

How Kink-Shaming Can Keep People From Feeling Sexually Liberated

You’re hooking up with someone for the first time — or the second, the tenth or the hundredth — and you think you know what to expect, but then they ask if you can try something new. 

Immediately, you’re a little cautious. What if it’s weird? They blush a little bit. “Well, you see, I’ve always wanted to try this thing … but it’s a little kinky…” You gulp as they lean in and whisper the secret desire into your ear. You want to make them happy because you’re not a jerk, but this fetish is way out there, and not at all something you’re used to.

“Gross,” you say. “You’re really into that?” Your hookup buddy looks embarrassed. “Never mind,” they say, grabbing their clothes from the floor. “I should probably get going

What just happened? Well, there’s a name for it: kink-shaming. And even if you don’t think you’re doing it, you probably are.

What Is Kink-Shaming?

“This girl I met on Tinder told me she wanted to try this thing called ‘caking’ — spreading cake batter all over your naked self. I was like, ‘Hmmmm, no.’ Very unsanitary, and I don’t like wasting food.” – Miguel, 28

Kink-shaming is basically exactly that —shaming someone for their sexual desires when they don’t line up with what you think is normal.

“Kink-shaming is when you embarrass someone for their sexual preferences and believe something is wrong with them because of their sexual interests,” says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist based in Hawaii.

This could be about a fetish, a kink, a preference, a history of certain behaviors, or even just an openness or willingness to try something that the other person considers unconventional.

“I would define kink-shaming as the negative judgment and criticism of all sexual contact that isn’t considered vanilla or ‘mainstream,’” says Jor-El Caraballo, a relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness.

Brito notes that some common targets of kink-shaming include “fetishes that are uncommon, such as titillagnia (arousal to tickling other people) or urophilia (arousal to urine or urinating on others), dressing up as a furry or a desire to be choked or spanked.”

However, there are some that are gender-focused — men, for instance, often kink-shame “their girlfriend’s/wife’s interest in group sex, public sex, threesomes, double penetration, having a rape fantasy, masochist or sadist interestsl,” notes Brito. Or when talking to other men, they might be judgmental toward things like “same-sex attraction, same-sex fantasies, autogynephilia, men attracted to transwomen or non-binary folks.”

This kind of thing can play out in all different ways. It could be as simple as making fun of your friend for a hookup story with an unexpected detail in it, or it could be your long-term significant other trying to make you feel dirty for asking for something new in bed.

While it might not be coming from a place of hurtfulness — it’s as often a sense of surprise or shock rather than outright cruelty — it can still be incredibly demeaning.

How Does Kink-Shaming Negatively Impact People?

“I had a man recoil and tell me he ‘doesn’t do that weird sh*t’ when I placed his hand closer to my neck. It made me feel super uncomfortable for the rest of that interaction.” – Maria, 29

“Kink-shaming really only serves to make people live in silence and fear of judgment,” says Caraballo. “It creates negative internal emotional consequences, leaving the receiver to question the validity of their own desires. This could exacerbate any lingering questions of self-worth, depression or anxiety that the receiver already has about their sexuality and identity. It can negatively impact their ability to have and enjoy sex, and might kill desire altogether.”

It can also have a serious impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being, ultimately causing psychological harm in the end.

“They may feel invalidated, dismissed, misunderstood,” says Brito. “It can negatively impact their relationship with their significant other, cause someone to withhold information or hide their kink from them. [And] at its worst, kink shaming can be used as a weapon against someone, and can cause someone to lose their job or their family.”

That might sound extreme, but instances of people’s sex lives becoming public knowledge are often weaponized against them in some form; the belief that a certain non-conformist sexual interest is unacceptable or somehow indicative of a person’s core moral character lives on in popular thought.

As a result, it’s worth thinking about how kink-shaming functions on a greater societal level, rather than just instances of one person shaming another. When we normalize kink-shaming and general sex-negative attitudes, people grow up feeling ashamed of desires they cannot control.

How Can You Stop Kink-Shaming?

“When I was in my teens (and probably even into my early 20s), I thought it was really funny to make fun of furries. But at some point, I realized that I was belittling people for sexual desire that I didn’t understand, even though it was being practiced by consenting adults. There was no real justification for it other than that it felt good in a shallow, sh*tty way to mock outsiders and people who don’t conform. I never tried to shame anyone directly, but I definitely carried that prejudice for many years.” – Ian, 30

Considering the widespread societal consequences of kink-shaming attitudes, and the seriously negative consequences it can have on a person’s wellbeing, it’s worth considering how we can move away from kink-shaming in general.

To that end, sex education — not just about the physical ins and outs of sex, but how desire works — can be a huge factor.

“I think that education is the biggest way to combat kink-shame,” says Caraballo. “There are a lot of misconceptions about why people enjoy kink (or certain forms of kink) and getting exposure to accurate information helps combat negative, internalized puritanical views about sex and kink.”

Brito agrees that education is important, but notes that there are lots of ways we can help shift our culture away from its current kink-shaming state.

She suggests “being willing to learn more about the diversity of human sexuality by being exposed to more sex-positive messages, by de-stigmatizing sex and knowing how to distinguish the difference between a sexual fantasy and reality, [and] by speaking up when someone is shaming someone’s kink.”

Brito also notes that some of the most common kink-shaming occurs within the self, meaning people shaming themselves for their own desires. If you struggle with that kind of thing, it’s worth putting in the effort to shift gears “by practicing self-acceptance, since working on embracing one’s interests is the first step toward accepting others.”

Finally, she adds, you can make a difference “by embracing the notion that everyone is different, and that having unique or non-traditional sexual interests does not mean something is wrong with you.”

Experiencing sexual desire is normal, and what exactly turns you on is often largely out of your control. Until you recognize that your desires alone don’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it’ll likely be a struggle for you to genuinely accept yourself and your sexuality.

But if you commit yourself to working through these issues — with a partner, perhaps, or in therapy — it’s absolutely possible to arrive at a healthier, more confident place where your own comfort with your sexual desires means you’re not looking to ridicule, diminish or shame others for theirs.

Complete Article HERE!

The Psychology of Sexual Kink

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The word kink has myriad associations — leather, spanking, corsets, whips, maybe even a ginger root. While its depictions in popular culture are abundant and eager, they are hardly ever accurate. Fifty Shades of Grey, for example, is the most recent, and perhaps the most famous, example of kink, specifically Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism (BDSM), in mainstream pop culture — except it gets kink wrong. BDSM practitioners have called the movie more vanilla than BDSM, or dangerous, because of its superficial understanding of violent sex, glorifyingly portrayed without context.

The kink sexual preference is a greatly stigmatized one, and the psychology behind it misunderstood. Kink is believed to stem out of trauma, which is false; it’s perceived to bastardize the tender idea of making love, again false; and it’s considered ‘freaky’ and ‘not normal,’ guess: false. Understanding how kink develops and what kinky people get out of it are initial steps toward normalizing an integral aspect of human sexuality.

Kink is defined as “consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviors such as sadomasochism, domination and submission, erotic roleplaying, fetishism, and erotic forms of discipline,” psychological researcher Samuel Hughes, who has determined the five stages of kink identity development, writes in Psychology Today.

Kink can develop innately in childhood, or be adopted later in life

Individuals may gravitate toward kink in two ways; the journey is either innate and realized as a child grows up, or an acquired taste later in life for others wanting to explore their sexuality. Children, even before age 10, can develop initial engagement in kinky behaviors, such as “wanting to be captured while playing cops and robbers, or seeing television shows with superheroes in peril and feeling absorbed by the show,” Hughes writes. For some, these initial excitements could graduate to exploring those desires with their bodies, through “fantasizing, seeking out erotic media, masturbating, and exploring material sensations on their bodies.”

Between ages 11 and 14, kids come to terms with their interests. “It can involve feeling stigma over their kink interests, feeling generally different, realizing that not all of their peers share their interests, worrying there might be something wrong with them, and sometimes actively engaging in research in order to try to label and understand their interests.” Once they realize there might be people like them out there, they can attempt to find others who share their interests, through the internet and popular culture. The last stage of kink development includes engaging in kink interests with others, which usually happens after a kinkster surpasses 18.

The word kink has myriad associations — leather, spanking, corsets, whips, maybe even a ginger root. While its depictions in popular culture are abundant and eager, they are hardly ever accurate. Fifty Shades of Grey, for example, is the most recent, and perhaps the most famous, example of kink, specifically Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism (BDSM), in mainstream pop culture — except it gets kink wrong. BDSM practitioners have called the movie more vanilla than BDSM, or dangerous, because of its superficial understanding of violent sex, glorifyingly portrayed without context.

The kink sexual preference is a greatly stigmatized one, and the psychology behind it misunderstood. Kink is believed to stem out of trauma, which is false; it’s perceived to bastardize the tender idea of making love, again false; and it’s considered ‘freaky’ and ‘not normal,’ guess: false. Understanding how kink develops and what kinky people get out of it are initial steps toward normalizing an integral aspect of human sexuality.

Kink is defined as “consensual, non-traditional sexual, sensual, and intimate behaviors such as sadomasochism, domination and submission, erotic roleplaying, fetishism, and erotic forms of discipline,” psychological researcher Samuel Hughes, who has determined the five stages of kink identity development, writes in Psychology Today.

Kink can develop innately in childhood, or be adopted later in life

Individuals may gravitate toward kink in two ways; the journey is either innate and realized as a child grows up, or an acquired taste later in life for others wanting to explore their sexuality. Children, even before age 10, can develop initial engagement in kinky behaviors, such as “wanting to be captured while playing cops and robbers, or seeing television shows with superheroes in peril and feeling absorbed by the show,” Hughes writes. For some, these initial excitements could graduate to exploring those desires with their bodies, through “fantasizing, seeking out erotic media, masturbating, and exploring material sensations on their bodies.”

Between ages 11 and 14, kids come to terms with their interests. “It can involve feeling stigma over their kink interests, feeling generally different, realizing that not all of their peers share their interests, worrying there might be something wrong with them, and sometimes actively engaging in research in order to try to label and understand their interests.” Once they realize there might be people like them out there, they can attempt to find others who share their interests, through the internet and popular culture. The last stage of kink development includes engaging in kink interests with others, which usually happens after a kinkster surpasses 18.

If this identity development doesn’t occur early on, then it leads to internalized shame, causing anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation, Hughes says. He adds that young kinky people often feel like they are freaks, sick or evil for entertaining their desires. This is mostly due to the stigma and silence around kinky behaviors, which leads to rampant pop psychology pathologization of kink in media and the law. “Studying the identity development of kinky people can help us to better understand how kinky people develop resilience in the face of a world that often thinks of them as, at best, a joke, and at worst, violent criminals or mentally deranged,” Hughes writes in Psychology Today.

Social stigmatization of kink can be a detriment to kinksters’ mental health

Let’s take the example of age play, one of the most stigmatized kink expressions, as it can involve adults dressing up/behaving as babies or toddlers in a sexual situation. It is classified into “ephebophilia, or attraction to older post-pubescent adolescents; hebephilia, or attraction to pubescents; pedophilia, or attraction to prepubescents; infantophilia, which is often considered a sub-type of pedophilia, used to refer to a sexual preference for infants and toddlers (ages 0–3, though some raise it to 5),” sex therapist David Ortmann writes for Alt Sex NYC Conference, an annual event that brings together scholars from the kink community to expand popular discourse around kinky identities.

A majority of the stigma against age-play arises from the conflation of pedophilia with child sexual abuse. The former is a sexual preference, while the latter is an illegal practice that harms minors who cannot consent. In age-play, the consenting, adult sexual partners act an age different from their own, for various reasons: those who act younger may want to be cared for, or disciplined or simply play an age that they feel most familiar with. For those who gravitate toward older ages, their instincts might arise from wanting to act as caregivers or protectors of their partner, fulfilling their partners’ desire to be disciplined, and myriad other reasons, according to ABCs of Kink.

Ortmann adds that he has treated such kinksters for 14 years, and the main reasons they seek therapy is “to be seen, to be heard, to recover from shame, discover how to have sexual pleasure without harming themselves or others.” It is important to understand that “age-play is a form of roleplaying in which an individual acts or treats another as if they were a different age, sexual or non-sexually,” Ortmann writes. The important thing to remember, he adds, is that it “involves consent from all parties.” There needs to be more research into the kink origins of age-play, which has historically been difficult to accomplish owing to the silence of the community that doesn’t trust outsiders easily. “Let’s work together to find language for the very in-the-shadows sexual minorities that allow for empathy, instead of evoking fear and disgust.”

Normalizing the kink for the person, and helping them find a like-minded or accepting partner, is most important, writes Rhoda Lipscomb, a certified sex therapist, in a presentation for Alt Sex NYC Conference. With those steps come self-acceptance, less anger, better sleeping habits and better relationship patterns for those involved.

The supportive environment of kink can be a haven for those with non-normative desires and bodies

For dominant-submissive relationships in BDSM, the underlying psychological motivations are more clearly researched. For tops (in kink speak: tops are those who adopt a dominant role for a particular sexual encounter, as compared to doms who gravitate toward dominance more frequently), “I can determine what happens next; I can be independent; I can feel cherished,” make up some of the erotic motivations, according to an Alt Sex NYC Conference presentation by sex therapist Dr. Petra Zebroff. For bottoms (in kink speak: bottoms are those who adopt a submissive role for a particular sexual encounter, as compared to subs who prefer submissive sexual identities more frequently), they include, “I can hold extreme focus; I can feel safe; I can feel cherished; I don’t have to make decisions; I don’t have to worry about my partner’s reactions.” For both tops and bottoms, “openness, exploration, trustworthiness, communication, humor (playfulness, laughter, and fun), sensual experiences” are prioritized for themselves, and their partners. In tops, their bottom partners require “trustworthiness, warmth and caring; ability to read a partner; confidence and strength of character; knowledge and skill.” In bottoms, the tops need “self-knowledge, rebellious qualities (such as bratty), expressiveness, surrendering of power (servicing).”

In addition to understanding the motivations of the sexual players, it is also important to destroy the myth that BDSM encourages unwelcome violence against partners. In sexual play that involves intense sensation (sometimes, pain), for example, the players seek to achieve pleasure and challenge their boundaries, Michael Aaron, Alt Sex NYC co-organizer and sex therapist and sexologist, writes in a presentation.

People choose to harm themselves for a variety of reasons, Aaron writes: to alleviate negative emotions, to direct anger at themselves, to elicit affection from others, to interrupt feelings of being empty, to resist suicidal urges, to generate excitement, or to feel distinct from others. The bodily harm from when an individual inflicts injuries on themselves outside of a sexual context — what is called non-suicidal self-injurious behavior (NSSI) — is different from BDSM, mainly in the ways an individual feels after the hurting has happened, Aaron writes. NSSI can arise out of wanting relief from overwhelming feelings and wanting to distract emotional pain with physical. After inflicting pain for these unhealthy reasons, however, the individual feels broken or damaged, and more alienated from others.

In BDSM, Aaron clarifies, the motivation to indulge in NSSI in a sexual context emerges from “desire, hunger, eagerness, [anxiety] to start.” While indulging in the kinky behavior, feelings of excitement, pleasure, connection abound. After, players feel “satisfied, content, calm, secure, fulfilled,” and “empowered, loved, authentic.” Aaron found that most individuals who engaged in NSSI eventually stopped harming themselves after they sought the feeling through BDSM, according to a survey he conducted.

For others, engaging in kinky behavior may help in dealing with past trauma. While the trauma itself doesn’t serve as a catalyst for developing a kink (which is a popular misconception), it can be alleviated through play. “For example, a sexual assault survivor might initially feel afraid, weak, and powerless during their actual sexual assault,” Hughes writes in Psychology Today. “However, simulating that assault via consensual roleplaying with a trusted partner can help them feel powerful (because they consensually negotiated and agreed to it, and can use a safeword to stop the scene), strong (because they feel they can get through whatever physical pain or intensity comes their way), and brave, for facing what can often be dark times in their past head-on.” A major part of it is “aftercare,” the word for the time and space kinksters use for emotional and mental health, often with their partners, after having engaged in BDSM. It involves “cuddling, talking, rehydrating, and ‘recentering’ oneself, which can help those who are using kink to overcome hardships process their experience in a healthy and safe environment,” Hughes adds.

However, the process of navigating a past trauma proves difficult even within the kink communities, according to licensed sex therapist Samantha Manewitz. In an Alt Sex NYC Conference presentation, she lays out how kinksters with trauma can internalize shame, be unwilling to give up power to their sexual partners or be able to explain their own responses in BDSM play. Some scenes can also trigger trauma or feelings of isolation. It is important to empower the survivor in such situations — build their coping skills through negotiation before an act, exposing them to the act during play, and integrating their thoughts with their feelings after BDSM through aftercare, Manewitz writes.

Kink can also help build an inclusive environment for queer folks. Hughes compares the identity development for kink to the way in which kids can realize their queer identities. The emotional stages are similar, including dealing with stigma and making positive associations with those realizations. BDSM as a sexual orientation is a popular hypothesis, explained as attraction toward specific activities or toward a role (dominant, submissive, switch) — be it the individual’s or their partners’, according to Daniel Copulsky, founder of sexedplus.com and researcher of social psychology. “Everyone has a sexual orientation in regard to gender because that’s how we’ve defined sexual orientation,” Copulsky writes in a presentation for the Alt Sex NYC Conference. “Everyone has a sexual orientation in regard to power, too, if we define it as a submissive, dominant, switch, or vanilla.”

Kink can also help marginalized communities feel more comfortable in their own skin. For trans people, their relationships with their bodies are colored by dysphoria, awkwardness, and trauma. For a group whose bodies and existence are unabashedly questioned, fetishized, or who are made to feel unwelcome in societal institutions, consent in a sexual scenario holds utmost importance.

“Consent is the explicit indication, by written or oral statement, by one person that he/she [or they] is willing to have something done to him/her [or them] by one or more other persons, or to perform some sort of act at the request or order of one or more other persons. In terms of sexual consent, consent may be withdrawn at any point, regardless of what has been previously negotiated orally or in writing,” licensed psychotherapist Laura Jacobs writes for Alt Sex NYC about a core kink principle.

Trans or gender non-conforming folks can greatly benefit from this structure, as they may not have been accorded the opportunity or the language to communicate their sexual needs. Through using safe words, they can feel protected and respected; and through tight-knit local BDSM communities, they can encounter people who will respect them and their boundaries. “Ultimately, for a large number of people in the trans and gender-nonconforming community, heteronormative or not, reveling in these nontraditional forms of sexuality and relationships is part of our ongoing examination of the human experience,” Jacobs writes.

It is a shame, then, that some forms of kink, and within it BDSM, are regarded as detached, cruel and violent. In reality, kink can be a vehicle for people to embrace their vulnerability, maintain intimate bonds with various people, and learn to communicate and negotiate varied sexual preferences in a non-judgmental way. Kink is not “weird,” or something to sensationalize. When we achieve a greater understanding of non-normative sexual practices, we normalize identities that are otherwise marginalized, and who knows — might even learn a thing or two instead, both in and out of sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

A glossary for BDSM beginners

A Guide to all the BDSM Terms You Were Too Shy to Look Up

By

If you’re having enough sex, it’s only a matter of time until it grows stale. Eventually, you’ll begin to crave something more than a quick release. You’ll want sex to last—and for physical pleasure to come coupled with psychological stimulation.

That’s where bondage can come into play (no pun intended). But before you can bust out the restraints and sounding needles, you need to know what’s out there. Only then, can you properly ask for whatever it is your secret, greasy, heart desires.

That’s why we spoke to Jess Wilde, a bondage specialist at the online sex retailer Lovehoney. She’s going to help us untangle the unnecessarily confusing lexicon of the bondage world.

BDSM

An abbreviation for Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, and Masochism, BDSM is an umbrella term for numerous sexual practices. It’s not only inclusive of the four principles in the title, it includes elements of roleplaying, dominance, submission, and other related interpersonal dynamics.

Bondage

Breaking down B in BDSM a little bit further, “Bondage is the sexual practice of restraining someone during sex and falls under the umbrella term Power Play,” says Wilde. “Power Play is where one partner takes on a dominant role and one takes on a submissive role. Restraint includes anything from holding the sub’s hands in a certain position to using restraint tools like handcuffs.”

Dominance and Submission (D/s)

Dominance and submission is a set of erotic behaviors involving one person being subservient (or submissive) to the person in control (the Dominant). This can happen in the bedroom through the Dominant (Dom) dictating orders to the Submissive (Sub), but it doesn’t even require both parties to be in the same room. Some Doms never meet their Subs in real life. They simply converse over the phone or email, where the Dom tells the Sub what he or she would like them to do.

“Being a good Dominant involves much more than being able to control and give orders to others,” explains Wilde. “A good Dominant will also be able to practice self-control and respect their Submissive. Dominants should also be responsible enough to decrease the intensity of or stop a scene altogether when a safeword is spoken.”

“Submitting doesn’t mean being weak,” Wilde continues. “It’s a gift to give up all control, to make yourself more vulnerable than most people could ever imagine, and to offer yourself, body and soul, for someone else’s pleasure… And, of course, doing so is also a Submissive’s ultimate pleasure.”

Safeword

A safeword, which Wilde noted while discussing Dominance and Submission is “a word, phrase, or signal which you both agree means ‘stop.’” She continues, “Make sure you agree on a safeword–this is a good starting point for all BDSM activity. A safeword should be easy to remember, easy to say, and should be a word you’d never usually use in sex. A personal favorite is ‘Gandalf!'”

Master/Slave

“In BDSM, master/slave, m/s or sexual slavery is a relationship in which one individual serves another in an authority-exchange structured relationship,” says Wilde. “Unlike dominant and submissive structures found in BDSM in which love is often the core value, service and obedience are often the core values in master/slave structures.”

Animal Play

“Animal play is a special type of role play where one or more participants take on the role of an animal. Animal play is commonly seen in BDSM contexts,” explains Wilde. “Typically the submissive ‘animal’ partner is humiliated or dominated, but sometimes they will take on the more dominant role. Animal play is sometimes called animal role play or pet play.”

Contract

“You may be familiar with sex contracts from Fifty Shades of Grey,” says Wilde. “The contract wasn’t just a figment of author E. L. James’ imagination. In BDSM communities, these kinds of contracts help Dominants and Submissives play with each other safely, both emotionally and physically.”

“By establishing ground rules, each partner knows what’s expected of them. It also makes issues of consent—which is crucial when power exchange and pain are involved—crystal clear.”

Electro-Play

“Electro-sex is sometimes called erotic electrostimulation (e-stim) or electroplay,” says Wilde. “It gives people distinctive tingly, tickly sensations which differ greatly to the sensations achieved with common battery-powered sex toys like vibrators.”

“It taps into the electrical signals that course through the body’s human nervous system, stimulating them to create more powerful sensory reactions. A variety of high-tech sex toys are designed for electro-sex. These include electrified butt plugs, masturbatory sleeves, cock rings, eggs, G-spot probes, and nipple clamps.”

Hard and Soft Limits

“Limits are basically a boundary, a thing you don’t want to do. BDSM often divides these into ‘soft’ and ‘hard’ limits. A soft limit is often an activity that you don’t enjoy and wouldn’t normally engage in, but you may consider doing it for the right person,” says Wilde.

“Hard limits are absolutes. These are the things that you will not do, under any circumstances. For many people, these may be activities or things which trigger bad memories, panic attacks, or other psychological stress. Hard limits can be anything at all, even things that other people consider to be tame or a lot of fun.”

Sensation Play

“Sensation play describes a wide variety of activities that use the body’s senses as a way to arouse and provide stimulation to a partner,” explains Wilde.

“Although sensation play is often related to skin sensations, it doesn’t have to be so limited. Sight, taste, and hearing can also be included in sensation play. Forms of light sensations play include playing with feathers and other soft objects, light blindfolding, and bondage with scarves or temperature play with ice or hot wax.”

“The goal of sensation play is simply to provide unusual and arousing sensations to a partner’s body. It is only limited by one’s imagination and, of course, personal limits, which should be respected at all times.”

Sub-Drop

When the fun and games are over (and the last spank has struck), there’s one last thing you have to remember to do. As Wilde explains, aftercare is an essential part of your play-time and can bring both you and your partner closer together in post-coital bliss.

“Known as ‘sub-drop’, sometimes the submissive partner can feel a wash of sadness when playtime has finished and the endorphins wear off,” says Wilde. “Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to talk about kink with a new partner, because it doesn’t have to be awkward

By Tracey Anne Duncan

“I like to struggle,” I whispered. What I meant was: Hold me down. Instead, she wrapped her arms around me and held me sweetly, nuzzling her face into my neck and petting my arm lightly with her fingertips. Oh, I thought. That’s not what I wanted. We had just been all sweaty and frenzied and now we were cuddling? Was she purposely withholding? Embarrassed? We had only hooked up once before, so I didn’t know her that well. “Are you into that?” I asked — determined to tell her about my kink preferences — but she was already gently snoring.

And then it hit me. She thought I said, “snuggle.”

I laughed to myself. She was a thoughtful lover and was just trying to give me what I asked for. She just wasn’t kinky, and I am kind of kinky. For the unfamiliar, that means that I like to do things in bed that some people find unusual. Kinky people call people who find our desires unusual “vanilla.” Although some people say it with shade, vanilla is my favorite flavor and I’m not here to judge anyone.

In any event, kink isn’t actually that unusual. Even though most people don’t consider themselves kinky, studies show that most people have kinky fantasies, even if they don’t actually have kinky sex. Interestingly, kink preferences often break down along party lines. Liberals tend to be drawn to BDSM (bondage, domination or discipline, sadism, and masochism), while conservatives are more likely to be into taboo-breaking activities, like age and incest play. Personally, I like to play with power dynamics. In kink circles, this is called domination and submission and they, along with bondage, are some of the most common practices of kinky folks.

But it wasn’t that long ago that I began exploring this facet of my sexuality. It’s taken time to learn how to communicate about kink well, and I still have questions — when is it OK to tell people I’m dating about my kinks? And how do I bring it up?

“There’s no one size fits all answer for these things,” says Dulcinea Pitagora, a NYC-based psychologist and sex therapist. “Anytime I hear someone say ‘that’s the rule,’ I immediately discard it. Disclosure is a privacy and a boundary issue. It’s entirely based on someone’s comfort level.”

Amanda Sanflippo, a New Orleans sex educator with an adult sex ed radio show, agrees. “It depends on the person,” she says. “I don’t have a formula.”

But if there aren’t any rules, what’s an aspiring kinkster to do with a new-ish partner when they want to try something that the other person might find strange? First of all, wait until you’re comfortable with someone and have developed a sense of trust. The experts are right in that there’s no formula for this, but you can typically tell if someone is basically trustworthy. While some people say that you should just let your freak flag fly from the very start, there are real risks around putting your private sexual desires out into the public domain, so trust is key.

“If somebody gets outed, they could lose their job, their apartment, or even their children. Discrimination happens in many different ways. There’s a possibility of disclosing that could put you in a dangerous situation,” Pitagora notes. She adds that these are worst case scenarios; if your employers or sex-negative people in your community find out about your “unusual” desires, you might just end up feeling uncomfortable, making someone else uncomfortable, or scaring off a person you want to get to know.

Sanflippo says that if you meet someone on a dating app and who is likely to be just a hookup, it’s OK to be upfront about your kinks. You can do this before you even give them your phone number or real name, so there’s no safety or outing risk. Recently, I was messaging a guy on Tinder and within the first few messages, he asked, “Are you sub?” What he meant was: Am I sexually submissive? It felt safe for him to ask and for me to answer honestly because our flirtation was still anonymous.

So if you’re chatting anonymously with someone and it feels safe to you, don’t hesitate to indulge in a little freaky banter. And if you’re already sexting on an app, it’s also OK to say, “I want to tie you up.”

But what if you meet someone IRL? Sanflippo suggests first asking your potential crush what they’re into, instead of just dropping the kink bomb on them. “If I was considering being intimate with someone, I might ask a person if they are into kinks rather than divulging my own,” she says. “I’ll ask them what kind of sex they enjoy. Then you can sense if they’re comfortable.”

This is a great rule of thumb. Wait to talk about sex with someone until it seems like you might want to have sex with them; if you’re already thinking about exchanging fluids, exchanging a few words beforehand can’t hurt.

And if you do plan to have sex soon, instead of making a demand like, “I want you to forcefeed me cake,” you can ask a question like, “What do you like to do in bed?” This is a direct and emotionally friendly way of figuring out whether your hookup might be into the same things as you. It’s also a good way to game out your sexual compatibility and strategize about what sexual activities might be mutually pleasurable in advance.

“The conversation about consent is what’s actually more important,” Pitagora says. “The nitty gritty and specifics aren’t as important.”

Basically, you can say you’re kinky and not go into detail — but you can’t not ask for consent. Since I’m already oversharing, I will tell you that more than half of my recent male partners have tried to do some pretty aggressive and dangerous to me without asking for permission. I don’t know what’s going on in cis-het 50 Shades of Patriarchy land because I mostly date women, but you cannot assume that people are into rough sex or BDSM.

“It’s important to know that it’s something that some people are into,” says Pitagora, “but some people aren’t and they could be traumatized. You don’t want to traumatize your sexual partners.”

Um, yeah. What she said.

Activities such as sexual choking, which is rising in popularity in vanilla het sex and porn, are considered “edge play” in BDSM communities. That means that it’s dangerous, and so not only do you have to ask for consent, you also have to know what you’re doing. “The person not asking for consent is also not trained to do it,” Pitagora says. This means that they shouldn’t do it, ever.

I’m (really) not trying to scare you away from BDSM, but sexual choking is also called “erotic asphyxiation” and you’ve definitely heard of it because people die from it. Tying someone up the wrong way can lead to all kinds of injury, including nerve damage. Getting and giving consent and talking about what you and your partner do in the bedroom aren’t just issues of ethics and pleasure — they can be issues of life and death.

“People should embrace saying the obvious,” Pitagora says, especially straight, cisgender men. “Cis-het men are used to being dominant by default. They might think asking for consent is too obvious, but because we can’t know, it’s just not obvious.” In other words, even if you are already pretty sure that someone is saying YES, you need to ask them to say (or scream, if you’re into that) YES out loud so that everyone’s signals line up. Consent can also be a great lead in to talking about your kinks. “Is it OK for me to kiss you?” is just a single word switch away from, “is it OK for me to spank you?”

In the past year, I’ve gotten a lot better about being explicit about what I want. In some ways, I was late to the kink party — I was basically married for half my life to vanilla folks and I never really thought to sexperiment with them. But, actually, I’m not late. Most people become more sexually adventurous as they age, and it can take a lot of trial and error before you get good at saying what you like out loud to new partners.

It’s definitely worth it, though. I’ve had more great sex in the last six months than I did in the first 20 years of my life. So if you’ve got some kinky fantasies, don’t worry, you’re not late, either, it’s just might take you a hot minute to learn how to talk about them.

A few weeks ago I hooked up with my sweet, snuggly friend again. She straddled me and playfully held my hands together over my head. When I resisted, she let go.

“No,” I said, “when I resist, I want you to push harder.”

“Ohhhhhhh,” she said, smiling. And then she held me down.

I think I like her.

Complete Article HERE!

If You’re Into Kink…

You Need to Join One Of These Dating Apps

By Erika W. Smith

Kink can encompass a lot of things: bondage, yes, but also spanking, choking, feet, cuckolding, and watersports. And it turns out that many of us are at least a little bit kinky. One Canadian study asked over 1,000 adults about their sexual fantasies, and found that about half were interested in some kind of kink. The most popular kinks fell under the categories of voyeurism, fetishism, exhibitionism, masochism, and sadism.

“People want to be tied up,” researcher Christian Joyal told the Montreal Gazette. “As long as it’s with a consenting partner, people will be relieved to know that their desires are not necessarily abnormal.” He added, “One hundred years ago, oral sex was considered gross, 50 years ago it was illegal and now it is the number one fantasy. In 30 years from now, I would be surprised if BDSM wasn’t part of normal sexuality.”

Whatever you’re into, you’re far from alone. And while you can certainly ask your Tinder match if they want to choke you or exchange “kink menus” with your partner, there are also kink-specific dating apps out there to make the search for someone with compatible kinks a little bit easier.

Keep in mind that, as always, consent is mandatory — and if you match with someone who wants you to sign a “consent contract” or refuses to use a safe word, that’s a red flag. If you don’t already know your potential kink partner, sex and intimacy coach Shelby Devlin previously suggested to Refinery29 that it’s a good idea to “[go] on a couple of dates and [get] a feel for someone, giving them an opportunity to demonstrate that they’re good with boundaries, before you do any BDSM.” And that goes for any other kink, too.

On the plus side, many people using kink-specific dating apps may already be kinky pros, rather than someone who just watched Fifty Shades of Grey for the first time. Here are a few kinky apps to get you started

Complete Article HERE!

Getting Kinky In a Relationship?

by:

Don’t worry, it’s okay to be freaky in a relationship and most of the time the other person will love you for it. If you feel that your sexual taste goes beyond that of the average person, have no fear as most Americans feel just like you.

As a society, we tend to move on from what is regarded as normal in order to satisfy our needs. According to surveys, couples who have been going out for more than four years tend to move on to other means of sexual desires that are regarded as less common by many.

Couples who go out for more than four years are moving past the stigma and shame associated with fetishes and kinks, and are becoming more and more comfortable in sharing their pleasures and desires.

If you’re a kinky person, then your partner needs to hear out your desires and fulfills your needs. A mismatch is a relationship killer, and if you’re the kinky one, then there are a few things that you need to do in your relationship in order to get accepted from your partner.

Talk With Your Partner

This might sound weird, but a lot of relationships tend to move past their problems by simply communicating with each other. We understand that you might be afraid to tell your partner about your fetishes and desires, but trust us that communication is key in a relationship. Start off slow and start by talking about what you like most in the bedroom. Explain what that is and why that turns you on. Make sure to make the mood as comfortable as possible, as you don’t want to make things weird.

When you start to talk things out, you will find out if your partner approved of your kinks, if he/she is/are open to them, and if they’re interested in doing them. Your partner might hide it at first, but we’re positive that they will grow into it.

Give Your Partner Time to Think

Most intercourse therapists say that you should always give your partner think about your kinks and desires. You might have told your partner that you’re into restraints and harnesses, and that might sound too much for your partner. But the key is to give your partner room to think it out. Never demonstrate the kink without the approval of your partner. He/she needs to feel safe at all times during bedroom business, and forcing your kink onto your partner is an instant red flag. If your partner eventually approves of your restraint kink or you have agreed on a sex toy you would like to use, you can go to Extreme Restraints and choose the type of restraint together that you will both enjoy.

Show Your Appreciation for Trying Something New Together

If your partner doesn’t feel as kinky as you, and if your partner agrees to your kink, then always show your appreciation for trying something new with you. They might not know how to do it at first, so you should never judge them for doing it wrong. Always be encouraging,  supportive, and avoid making any negative comments towards your partner.

Complete Article HERE!