6 Kinky Dating Apps to Download If BDSM Is Your Thing

Because being sexually adventurous = totally healthy and normal.

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A kink is broadly defined as an act or desire that falls outside of the widely accepted normative ideas of vanilla sexual practices—everything from choking, to BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominate/submissive, sadomasochism/masochism), to cuckolding, foot fetishes, water sports, bondage, and more.

And as you can see, there are tonnns of elements that fall within its sexual realm.

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But even though nearly 61 percent of Cosmo readers say they’ve dabbled in some form of BDSM play, there still remains some societal stigma and shame for wanting to be adventurous in and out of the bedroom.

This is exactly what we don’t want, fam. Because being sexually adventurous (in whatever way that means to you) is completely healthy and normal. In fact, it’s highly encouraged in an effort to prioritize your pleasure and what feels good to you.

So if you’re looking to expand your sexual taste—or just see what is out there— sometimes turning to a dating app is the best and easiest way to explore. And whether you’re just looking to spice up your online dating game or you’re fully a master in BDSM practices already, here are six kinky apps to help jump-start your experience.

Just remember, in all forms of sexual contact (kink or vanilla), consent it is always mandatory. Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must.

1. FetLife

When it comes to exploring BDSM and kink in general, FetLife is the go-to for these kinds of activities. (The Canadian-based company literally describes itself as being like “Facebook but run by kinksters.”)

Similarly to other social media platforms, users can create profiles, interact and “Friend” other members, post pics, vids, status updates, and join more specific groups based on sexual interests and kinks. Trust me when I say the free website really allows you to cater your kink experience and find exactly what you want—whatever that may be.

Download here

2. Kinkoo

If you’re looking for a dating app more fetish-specific (think: feet, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.), Kinkoo may be the best one for you. In your profile, you can indicate what you’re looking for and how you’d describe yourself, like, say, if you are more of a submissive or dominant. Match with people all around the world for free or upgrade to the VIP membership for $16 per month.

Download here

3. Whiplr

Okay, so the app is pretty clever—I mean, its name doesn’t exactly disguise what the app is intended for, lol. But once you sign up, users are free to choose from a list of over 230 kinks (230!) to add to their profile. The free app also features a chat, video, and call component, similarly to what you may experience on a more mainstream dating app. Use it to find a virtual playmate or to chat it up with other kinksters across the globe.

Download here

4. Kink D

Another app geared toward the fetish community, Kink D is a super sex-positive space for those looking to explore. Whether you’re into BDSM, foot fetishes, or whatever else, odds are, you’ll find a willing partner here. It’s free to download, has a super user-friendly interface, and can help you connect with singles all over.

Download here

5. Kinki

Kinki prides themselves on being super inclusive, especially for folks apart of the LGBTQ+ community. The app, which costs $12 per month, gives you a range of options to pick from in terms of both fetishes and what you’re looking for (whether it be long-term, short-term, or just a hookup.) It also authenticates people’s accounts, gives you filters to search by location, and allows you to Like photos of people as well.

Unfortunately it’s not in U.S. markets quite yet, so this one’s for all of you outside the states.

Download here

6. Feeld

This platform offers a tonnnn of options for gender identity and sexual orientation. And while Feeld has gotten some buzz primarily for those interested in threesomes, it’s also super friendly to those in polyamorous relationships or looking to explore a more kink-friendly lifestyle. If you’re into just dipping a toe into the BDSM waters, this free app is a great sex-positive place to get started.

Download here

Complete Article HERE!

4 Tips For Proudly Introducing Kink Into Your Relationship

By Mary Grace Garis

If during this time in quarantine, you’ve done some sexual exploring about what gets you going—great. Maybe you’ve dedicated some self-care sessions to self-pleasure, had some mind-blowing staycation sex, or taken the BDSM test to explore your NSFW interests. And just maybe, all the sexploration has you wanting to learn how to introduce kink into your relationship as well. If what’s stopping you is a sense of feeling overwhelmed or even embarrassed, stop right there: Sex educators agree that kink is a perfectly healthy and safe form of sexual expression and pleasure, and talking about it with a partner is the first step for removing any level of stigma that may surround it so everyone involved can get to the important part of enjoying it.

Of course, the first step is understanding what kink is. Kink can be construed as a wide variety of consensual sex acts that aren’t vanilla, penetrative, heteronormative sexual intercourse. “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse,” sexual-health consultant Francisco Ramirez previously told Well+Good. For some examples, it can include a blindfold, getting tied up, spanking, temperature play, choking, and more. Kink also encompasses BDSM—which stands for “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism”—which usually involves power play with clear dominant and submissive roles, and sometimes might not even directly involve sex play at all.

Below, Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist with sexual-wellness brand Royal, shares four golden rules for how to introduce kink into a relationship.

4 tips for how to introduce kink into a relationship, according to a sexologist.

1. If you’re afraid to bring it up, say so from the outset

Many of us have to unlearn shame around sexuality, and everyone’s barometer for what constitutes “kink” is different. Before bringing up anything to a partner, know that your interests and preferences are valid. V also recommends coming from a place of vulnerability. “Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you,” says V.

“Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you.” —Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist

She suggests saying something along the lines of, “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, but it’s hard for me because I’m afraid that maybe you’ll think I’m weird. Do you have some time to talk?” or “Hey, do you have the bandwidth to talk about something? I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I’m scared, but it’s really important to me.”

2. Be specific about what you’re interested in

Since, as previously mentioned, everyone’s barometer for what constitutes kink is different. That’s why clarity about what you want to you want to introduce into your relationship is so important.

“Once the subject is broached, start small. Give examples, and be willing to explain why you’re interested in something,” says V. “When you use the words ‘kink’ and ‘BDSM,’ many people imagine dungeons and ball gags, which make up a small and very extreme percentage of kinky play.”

3. Use mental imagery as a way of approaching the idea

V suggests prompting specific sex plays with images and speaking in hypotheticals to get the conversation going. An example? “Wouldn’t it be fun for us to play with a little spanking?” The idea of you doing that during sex is so hot! Is that something you’d be open to exploring?” And the conversation can (hopefully) flow from there.

“It helps to have done your research and to come to the conversation with specific examples of what you want and why, as well as what the benefits are to your partner,” V says. “If you can clearly articulate a desire and are able to focus on the potential benefits for both of you and your relationship, you are more likely to be met with enthusiasm.”

4. Be prepared for friction, but don’t get hung up on it

According to V, many great partners will hear out your desires, ask any necessary clarifying questions, and want to make them come true so long as they feel safe doing so. However, not everyone will start with a positive reaction. Be prepared for this, and be willing to forgive your partner if their immediate response comes from a place of shame or judgment.

“Remember that there’s a lot of shame around this subject, and their response will be informed primarily by their culture and their upbringing—not by their best selves—unless they’ve already done some personal work on this,” says V. “If they don’t change their tune, and they continue to judge you for your kinky desires, it might be time to show them the door and find a new partner who can give you an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to exploring.”

Complete Article HERE!

A beginner’s guide to trying BDSM for the first time

How would you even bring it up with your partner?

By Natalie Morris

For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.

If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?

As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.

Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.

But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:

What is BDSM?

This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.

There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:

  • B&D – Bondage and Discipline
  • D&S – Dominance and Submission
  • S&M – Sadism and Masochism

The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.

‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’

Communication, trust and consent

Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.

The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:

  • RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
  • SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.

‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’

How to talk to your partner about BDSM

Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.

‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.

‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’

They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.

‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.

‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.

‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.

‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’

Introducing BDSM to your relationship

If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.

The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).

‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.

‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.

‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.

‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.

‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’

And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.

Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.

Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.

Complete Article HERE!

BDSM is fun, science confirms

By Thom Waite

For people who aren’t particularly open when it comes to sex and sexuality, BDSM can be difficult to understand, even though previous reports suggest that its practitioners tend to have better sex. Now, a new study suggests that the pleasure associated with BDSM is also scientifically provable.

Published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the research involved taking blood samples from 35 Belgian couples – recruited via FetLife, a popular social network for the fetish community – before a consensual BDSM “play” session at a sex club. More blood samples were taken after the end of the session, then analysed to measure the change in hormone levels. Meanwhile, a group of 27 people not interested in BDSM (the control group) ran similar tests at a sports club.

The results show that the biological effects of a BDSM interaction are a clear indicator of increased pleasure. For dominant partners, this is mainly linked to the power play aspect of the interaction, which caused a rise in endocannabinoid levels (which are linked to feelings of bliss and contentment). For submissive partners, on the other hand, the results showed that the hormonal change isn’t associated with power play, but with pain play.

Another finding was the increased release of cortisol – typically a response to stress – in submissive partners, but not their dominant counterparts. The researchers say that the findings: “confirm our hypothesis that a BDSM interaction seems to elicit a stress response from the body.” The study also concludes that this increase in stress is related to the provable experience of pleasure in BDSM interactions.

According to the researchers, demonstrating this biological drive behind sexual behaviors that many people find “aberrant” or abnormal is a first step in deconstructing the stigma.

Elise Wuyts, the author of the study, tells PsyPost: “Even though the idea of including power imbalances and pain in (sexual) intimacy is something many people struggle with, enjoying these practices has a biological basis and could for instance be compared to the pleasurable high that long-distance runners experience.” 

“Because this is a pilot study,” Wuyts adds, “it is only scratching the surface of what can be said about the biology of BDSM… It would be interesting to see if the results can be reproduced with other cultures or larger sample sizes.” Presumably, FetLife has plenty of willing participants if a future study were to come around.

Complete Article HERE!

The BDSM Test Is the Get-To-Know-Your-Kink Diagnostic So Many Sexologists Recommend

By Kells McPhillips

BDSM is a tidy acronym for a broad range of sexual preferences that relate to physical control, usually broken into six components, “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism,” according to Ali Hebert and Angela Weaver, professors in the department of psychology at St. Francis Xavier University, writing in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. And it can be a safe, consensual avenue for exploring the kinks that comprise your unique sexual fingerprint. But for the uninitiated, BDSM can conjure images of how it’s portrayed in pop culture—and let’s just say, Fifty Shades of Grey is not it. Sexologists and sex educators say that IRL BDSM is more about communication with yourself and your partner than it is about Red Rooms of Pain. And to get that conversation started, there’s an online BDSM test that can help you safely learn your tastes.

The first version of the BDSM Test launched in 2014 and it—or similar quizzes like the Sex Personality Test —is often used by sexologists and sex educators with their clients. The BDSM Test is free and works by asking you the degree to which you agree with certain statements related to your sexual appetite. Statements include, “I want my partner to serve me and address me as a superior” and, “I like to be dominated, especially in the bedroom.” At the end of the test, takers will learn the degree to which BDSM “archetypes” fit their particular desires. For instance, you may be 67 percent exhibitionist (or someone who enjoys showing their naked body to other people), 42 percent voyeur (someone who enjoys watching sexual acts), or 15 percent switch (someone who alternates between submissive and dominant behaviors).

Taking the test requires you to do some personal reflection, and sex educator Shanae Adams, LPCC, says that it’s this self-examination that makes the test worth taking. “I think this quiz is for everyone who has an interest in learning more about themselves and their sexual appetites,” she says, adding that she often uses it with BDSM-curious clients. “This quiz is also great for generating discussion and providing language [for talking to your sexual partner]. It can help people become illuminated on what they don’t know and give them a direction to explore in regards to what turns them on and makes them feel good.”

“You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.” —Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist

Sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, adds that the archetypes can be particularly enlightening. “This test can help a person understand their kinks and possibly permit them to explore them. I like that the test gives you a scale to choose from [with each statement] and also gives percentages [with your results]. This can help you honor your 10 percent dom and settle in your 80 submissive,” says Howard. “You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.”

As with all types of tests that categorize and organize your personality and interests, remember to be flexible and open to the possibility that what revs your engine might not be the same in six months, a year, 10 years. “This is just a test and not a monolithic experience,” says Adams. It also surfaces an a la carte list of options, not a set menu: “If you test high in an area that doesn’t interest you, you don’t have to do that kink. Also in reverse, if you test low in an area that interests you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t explore it,” Adams says. “Use the test as a tool for a jump point, but not as an end-all and be-all.”

There’s a reason the term BDSM encompasses so much: Sex and sexuality are complex. So consider the test an invitation to look deeper—not a box to trap yourself in (unless you’re into that sort of thing).

Complete Article HERE!

Normalizing Kink For Black And Brown Folx

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The fight for Black rights is ever-growing and ever-changing. Law enforcement is being reformed, congressional conversations on reparations are being revisited, and even businesses, celebrities, and influencers are being held accountable for their anti-Blackness. Although the Black community has seen a lot of progress, from an intersectional standpoint, Black activism spaces lack safety, recognition, and even solidarity for Black folx who are LGBTIA- identifying or lead alternative lifestyles. Within this subset, Black people who are sex and/or kink positive are frowned upon, often subjected to shame and judgment from others. As a Black fat womxn who exists at the intersection of these identities, it’s time to have conversations about what sex and kink positivity are and why they are important for Black liberation.

From a personal standpoint, kink and sex have been a big part of my journey into womanhood. Despite being a late bloomer, my interest in the kink lifestyle started when I was in my mid-to-late teens. I remember staying up late to watch Secretary, and how the power dynamic between James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s characters intrigued me. It was something about E. Edward Grey’s sternness and the way he chastised and punished Lee that captured my interest. From that moment, I knew I wanted to learn more about what I had seen. My curiosity grew as I matured, and when I finally entered adulthood, I decided to explore my desires by turning to kink-friendly groups online and different websites. In these virtual spaces, I met a lot of like-minded individuals that not only taught me about the ins and outs of kink, including the roles of dominants and submissives and the meaning of each letter in BDSM, but also became my friends and even partners. Although some of these redeemable qualities have played a critical part in shaping my sexual identity and have kept me coming back to the lifestyle, there was one major issue that always plagued my experience: the lack of Black people.

Just like most communities, kink is inherently white-centric. Being that the lifestyle is a broad umbrella term that encompasses so many different smaller communities and subcultures, a lot of these are made to fetishize Black and brown bodies. I can’t even count how many Carsons and Karens have slid into my inbox and expressed their desires for “a big, beautiful Black woman” and how I fit the bill for their next scene. I’ve even been approached by masters and mistresses in search of creating a dynamic with someone that virtually simulates slavery or a form of race play. Y’all, I’m totally not here to yuck anyone’s yum, but I also want to make one thing clear: there’s a definite difference between a fetish and fetishization, and the aforementioned anecdotes are examples of the latter.

Initially, I felt alone in my experiences, but after chatting with friends and colleagues, I realized I wasn’t the only one. Dawn, an educator and close friend, talked about how fetishization of non-white folx goes beyond the parameters of kink and extends into the realm of sex as well.

“I can’t log into Pornhub or XVideos without being bombarded with white pornstars and nothing that could even remotely resemble representation of someone like me,” she pointed out. “[On these sites] there are even videos that are titled in derogatory and racist ways. As for outside of the digital world, my encounters with white counterparts have been almost always, if not always, rooted in fetishization. Think: ‘I’ve never been with a (blank) before. Is it true that (blank)?’ [with] those blanks being filled with obscenities, ridiculous stereotypes, and dehumanizing rhetoric.”

Our conversation on the origins of this type of behavior doesn’t start with the web, though. Kink and pornography are directly linked to the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade and the moment Black people in this country came to be othered for everything from our skin to perceptions about our ability to endure pain. The effects of slavery are seen overtly in some forms of race play, but they can also be as covert as “[being] welcome in white spaces when they’re looking for “diverse” voices or when they think they’re doing [us] a favor,” said sexologist Goody Howard.

Realizing that images and communal gatekeeping are controlled by white people causes us to take a step back and think about our relationship to sex as Black people and how Black and brown folx feel left out because of whiteness.

“[We were] raised seeing kink [and sex] through the white-centric lens but never got fully respected in white-centric spaces,” Mrz. Neptune Violet explained. “Being Black and brown in kink and sex spaces is a one-sided relationship which entails having the responsibility of appeasing and supporting the consumer while actively being consumed for their pleasure, rendering us excluded and invisible.”

Cheyenne M. Davis

Part of dismantling that narrative is showing up as your authentic self and taking a stand with other marginalized constituents of the community, said Maddox, a ProDomme and Kink Activist. “As a leather person, I am active in the BDSM community here in NYC, and I show the f-ck up! Seriously. The first step to literally anything getting done is attendance.”

Showing up in ways that defy social norms and gender binaries is a big part of that Mrs. Neptune added. There is power in using one’s identity to eradicate all notions of male and female gender norms and what is socially acceptable and unacceptable by “meticulously slapping indelible new Black paint on old, adored white ways,” she explained. By choosing to own their Blackness and identity as sex and kink-positive individuals, those who are non-gender conforming are not only creating change for themselves but for the community at large.

A number of organizations are also pushing for inclusion of Black and brown people and validation of their experiences. I joined LVRSNFRNDS, (pronounced lovers and friends), a UK-based virtual and in-person group made by Sophie Mona Pagès that’s devoted to creating an inclusive and safe environment for everyone, especially BIPOC folx. As a growing global community for people with diverse perspectives on love, sex, kink, and relationships, Pagès organizes events and group discussions, known as salons, to allow members to gather and share their questions and experiences. Topics range from how to discuss contraception with prospective partners to establishing dominate-submissive dynamics in relationships. A major topic that was both challenging and monumental for the group to tackle was unpacking proper ways to honor and make space for Black folx in sex and kink.

Because “Lack of diversity is a deeply ingrained problem in the poly, kink, and BDSM scenes,” Pagès pointed out, LVRSNFRNDS screens all members and has established user agreements to ensure safety and challenge biases, including those related to race, that exist in the group and beyond. The organization also exists as a resource hub to provide access to marginalized groups that have been denied time after time.

Tired of going to munches and joining groups where there was a lack of people that looked like me or even respected my being, and fed up with being tokenized and having inaccurate judgments passed on me because I’m a Black woman, I realized I needed to create something of my own for the people who share my experiences. I channeled all of my anger and frustration into creating Unveild, an inclusive community for Black and brown folx that are kink and sex-positive. Though still in its beginning stages, the budding community offers educational resources on the different elements of the kink lifestyle and it’s been rewarding to see so many people of color respond so positively to its conception and the content that I’ve been creating for it.

Black and brown folx deserve the world. We deserve to fully experience all parts of our pain and pleasure and to be able to exist in and use sex and kink as a means to explore ourselves and our desires. Sexual liberation starts within. It begins with understanding religious and conservative occidental views on sex, desire, and pleasure. And it’s paramount that we have these hard conversations in order to destigmatize the societal taboos that have been placed on us. Raising awareness on kink and sex as it pertains to Black and brown individuals boils down to acknowledging Black folks as sexual beings because, as Dawn put it plainly, “We have sex too, and Black people should be allowed to just be.”

Maddox echoed that sentiment and the sense of urgency in unpacking the shame surrounding sexualities and kink. “It’s time for representation,” she said. “The correct kind.”

For Goody, that means representation of those in the kink community within the larger fight for representation of all Black and brown people.” If we truly are going to normalize and fight for the existence of Black people, we cannot forget Black people that live ‘alternative lifestyles’ as well.”

Complete Article HERE!

Your Guide To BDSM Aftercare

Rule 1: It’s not just for subs.

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Before we get into BDSM aftercare, let’s set the record straight about the sex practice as a whole. Yes, BDSM stands for bondage discipline and sadomasochism, but it isn’t the violent and harmful sort of kink that pop culture and society have made it out to be.

“It’s mostly about sensations—sensory play and or power play,” explains Jenni Skyler, PhD, of The Intimacy Institute and resident sexologist for Adam and Eve. How does it work, though? Well, couples typically will start by having a conversation about the type of BDSM they’d like to try. Then, they’ll make up a game plan (think: who will be dominant and who will be submissive), which includes talking about their needs, desires, and boundaries, and agree on a safe word. After that, they’ll co-create a play script or ritual that works for both of them, she explains.

“In the terms of agreement, safety and consensus are key,” Sklyer says. Another must? Aftercare. That literally means taking care of one another, emotionally and sometimes physically, after sex depending on what type of play occurred. Remember: BDSM can be emotionally and physically draining. Aftercare (yes, both for doms and subs!), is an important part of healthy BDSM.

Below is everything you need to know about BDSM aftercare, so that you and your partner can both get what you need from the experience.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the physical and/or the emotional care-taking that occurs after a sexual encounter, and more specifically a BDSM encounter. Most BDSM experiences involve adopting fantasy roles, so aftercare is the time for partners to bring each other back to reality and readopt their day-to-day roles with one another. Think of it as reseting your equilibrium, Skyler explains. Though the play portion of the experience might be over, it’s not really over until the aftercare happens.

If there’s a lot of physical pain play, for instance,” says Skyler, partners might want to be cuddled or wrapped in a blanket, or they might want a warm meal or water. But usually, aftercare involves reflective conversation. This is the opportunity for partners to be vulnerable with each other, debrief, and zero in on each other’s emotional needs.

Questions might look like this:

  • How did that go for you?
  • Did we need to use a safe word? If so, why?
  • Where was the boundary that got hit?
  • Was something triggered or activated?
  • If you didn’t use a safe word, how did it go for each person?
  • What was really exciting?
  • What was safe?
  • What do we want to keep as part of our repertoire?
  • What would we want to ditch for the next time?

Who needs aftercare?

Oftentimes it’s the submissive who needs a little extra aftercare, according to Skyler. But it’s important for aftercare to go both ways. Just like it may be difficult or draining for the submissive to be in a powerless position in which they may have been blindfolded or had to beg, it might have been hard on the dominant partner to, say, yell or humiliate their partner (if that’s the type of power-play that was agreed on) and adopt a nature they don’t typically embrace outside of the bedroom.

Is the drop a real thing?

Yes! BDSM kicks up a ton of adrenaline into your system and when the play is done, that adrenaline literally plummets and there’s this sort of undeniable fatigue, Skyler explains, a.k.a the drop.

She compares it to running a marathon. “You get all your adrenaline going and you get to the finish line, then you kind of collapse at the end,” Skyler explains. All the attention to detail, physicality, and focus built up during the play eventually has to come to an end, right? When it does, all the energy in the body will experience a significant slump. That’s why aftercare is so important. These acts of self care and support will bring your body back to “normal” by reestablishing balance.

Gotcha, now what does aftercare look like exactly?

Aftercare is personal to each person, but overall, it involves anything that will simply make partners feel good. Following the all-important conversation about how the sex play made you feel, partners might do things to continue supporting one another and reset the nervous system, says Skyler.

The list of aftercare activities can look something like this:

  • Have a bath
  • Spend time alone
  • Drink a cup of tea
  • Get a good night’s sleep
  • Get wrapped up tight in a blanket
  • Cuddle with a partner
  • Take a refreshing walk outside
  • Watch a movie
  • Cuddle with pets
  • Journal
  • Reflect together

Should I follow up after the aftercare?

Depends. Sometimes partners will be ready to process everything immediately following the sexual BDSM encounter, while other times, partners will need a day or two to reflect on what they liked and didn’t like before talking it out. In other cases, partners might want both because they remembered something they really enjoyed about the sex play that they forgot to mention or they just want to double check on their partner.

Sometimes the aftercare follow-up involves a third party. When partners are struggling to do aftercare and reflect on what went well, what didn’t go well, and find out what the right mix is together, they might want to consider bringing in another person in a therapeutic setting, Skyler explains. But ultimately she warns: “It’s not smart to play, unless you know how to communicate about the play.” So before you jump into your next BDSM experience, make sure you’re willing to engage in aftercare. Remember: A little TLC never hurt anybody.

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Complete Article HERE!

Sex in quarantine?

Expert advises BDSM during coronavirus pandemic

Grab your 6-foot paddle and throw on your gas mask

By Ana Valens

As some U.S. states ramp up their (premature) reopening process, quarantine horniness is reaching a climax. But sex-havers have a question for the sexperts: How can you fuck as safely as possible during the coronavirus pandemic?

One sex therapist has an answer: BDSM.

“Get really educated about kinky sex,” sex therapist Rae McDaniel told the Chicago Tribune. And for the newly kinky, McDaniel stresses BDSM isn’t just about sadomasochism and domination and submission. Consider, for instance, blindfolds and feathers.

“Kink or sensation play means taking into account all of your sensations and really amplifying those,” McDaniel said, including “sensory deprivation, which is very sexy and has been happening for a long time.”

McDaniel’s advice comes from a larger primer by the Chicago Tribune on sex during the coronavirus pandemic and navigating its risks. Kissing, for example, can be a high-risk activity during foreplay. Instead, McDaniel suggests massages, cuddling with faces apart, dirty talk, sexting, and the lewdest of all: holding hands.

They also advise people with more than one sexual partner to be fully open and honest about their sexual interactions with others. Communicating your sex life with others may sound TMI, but it’s all about providing your partner with enough information for informed consent.

“I think folks in the polyamorous community might have a leg up on more monogamous folks these days because they’re used to over-communication about consent and safer sex practices,” McDaniel said. “I think it’s the same principle for dating in the time of COVID. Any sort of romantic, or sexual, or even proximity connection should be disclosed to the other people in your life so that they have the opportunity to determine their own risk comfort level.”

As for sex itself, McDaniel recommends positions that aren’t face-to-face, such as anal sex or doggy style. You can also minimize contact between bodily fluids by altogether avoiding genital penetration, such as fingering your partner or giving them a handjob. And, of course, dental dams and condoms are always worth having around to prevent coronavirus transmission and STIs.

But you really shouldn’t have sex with people outside of your quarantine pod. Public health expert and former FDA official Dr. Charlene Brown said sex should still be off the table with strangers and roommates, as there’s a high chance of being infected with COVID-19 even if you’re hooking up with someone you live with.

“If just being within six feet of one another and breathing is enough to transmit the virus, imagine how much the risks are multiplied during proximity of any form of physical sex,” Brown told the Tribune. “Thinking about catching a virus the entire time you’re being intimate with someone doesn’t sound too sexy to me.”

Then again, bugchasing is a thing, and rumors about “coronavirus parties” have circled across the internet for the past few weeks. So as sound as Brown’s advice may be, the people will do as they do.

But if you want to have sex and don’t want COVID-19, Brown has one piece of advice: disinfect everything. And by everything, she means everything.

“If you have sex despite the COVID-19 risks, disinfect everything: sex toys, countertops, bed frames, bathroom, or anything else that you and your partner might have come into contact with before, during and after sex,” Chicago Tribune reports. “After sex, Brown says to wash your bedding and clothes too. She recommends quarantining and considering COVID-19 testing.”

Complete Article HERE!

Free BDSM porn film from Erika Lust will teach you so much about fetish and kink

As well as being realllllly hot, it tackles some of the most common miscoceptions about BDSM.

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Indie porn director Erika Lust is best known for her ethical production processes and feminist erotic films. From VR porn allowing people to live out their sex party fantasies, to this free porn she released which was shot by the actors in lockdown (and even her free adult sex education videos), she is always challenging what mainstream (read: largely unethical) porn sites are doing.

And she’s just released a new film that we can all watch for free – this time, it’s exploring BDSM and fetish through a mini series of short films. Titled ‘Safe Word’, the series will examine common misconceptions and myths about kink and educate BDSM beginners. And as well as teaching us all some important BDSM truths, it’s super hot masturbatory material, of course.

Starring Mona Wales and Mickey Mod, ‘Safe Word’ follows Mona’s character Christie as she explores BDSM for the first time after meeting her new neighbour Mickey, a well known adult actor. After witnessing him dominating a blindfolded woman in his apartment one night, Christie enlists the help of Madama Opal to explore on her own.

The series will follow Christie as she experiences voyeurism, solo play, a fetish session and a BDSM party. Be prepared to have your preconceptions about BDSM proven wrong, and to be shown just how sexy communication, consent and respecting someone’s boundaries can be.

“BDSM still has a stigma attached to it and its explorers in our mainstream culture,” Erika explains. “People who enjoy kinks are often seen as perverse, mentally sick, or victims of past trauma. However, when referring to BDSM we are mainly talking about a healthy, sexy culture of communication and awareness in sex.

“Whether you’re into it or not, I believe it can be a powerful learning tool for everyone on how to discuss boundaries beforehand as well as to stay in tune with each other during any other type of sexual relationship.”

Once you’ve devoured episode one, you’ll be able to watch the remaining episodes at LustCinema as they’re released every Friday until July 10.

Complete Article HERE!

A very, very beginner’s guide to understanding BDSM

By Mary Grace Garis

Even as BDSM comes to popular light via media portrayals and increased openness about intimate habits and preferences, much about the sexual practice remains misunderstood and incorrectly presumed to be negative and abusive—especially in those media portrayals. This is perhaps most recently depicted in that degrading scene in Hulu’s Normal People, when protagonist Marianne asks her sexual partner—who had bound her wrists and was taking naked photos of her—to stop, and he refuses, reminding her “you asked for this.”

Despite vignettes like those that mischaracterize the intended nature of the sexual act practiced by a dedicated community, fact remains that BDSM can absolutely be a satisfying, safe, consensual, and healthy component of a fulfilling sex life. But if you’re curious about learning more about what it actually entail and perhaps experimenting with it yourself, knowing where to start can be daunting. To break down BDSM for beginners, Jess O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, says the basic definitions are most important to learn first. And we’re talking absolute basics, beginning with what it actually means.

“While BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, practitioners tend to play complementary roles that involve some degree of power differentials,” says Dr. O’Reilly, referencing roles of “dominant” and “submissive.” “Activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved, and BDSM can be a part of healthy, normal, and safe sex play.”

To help you learn the ropes of the sexual practice before you break out the literal ropes, Dr. O’Reilly shares her four components of the BDSM for beginners below. Whether you’re curious to give it a try yourself or simply want to know more, you’re going to want to take notes.

BDSM for beginners: 4 basics ground rules everyone should know.

1. Know what BDSM stands for

BDSM describes sexual play that involves some exchange of power or pain, with different people involved subscribing to different roles and dynamics within the scope of the session. Broken into its singular letters, BDSM stands for individualized terms: “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism.” Sometimes the terms are grouped together in pairs, with BD referring to bondage and discipline, DS standing for dominance and submission, and SM referring to sadomasochism.

2. Know the meaning of R.A.C.K.

R.A.C.K. stands for risk-aware, consensual kink. This basic phrase outlines two of the essential components of kink while still recognizing that there is some risk inherent to all sex play. For instance, if you’re interested in trying wax play with your partner, you don’t want to just take a jar candle named Lilac Breeze, light it, and go to town. Rather, you want to get consent for the activity, outlining together how to execute it as safely as possible, and noting the risks involved that you are both fully aware of. Because even unintentionally giving your partner a third-degree burn or ripping off chunks of their body hair will almost certainly take you both out of the experience.

“For kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity.” —sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD

“For kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “These risks should be discussed ahead of time—not in the heat of the moment when sexual tension is already building. It is important to address the measures you plan to take to minimize risk when your mind is clear and your judgment isn’t clouded by desire or other distractions.”

3. Consent in BDSM is paramount

Before engaging in sexual activity of any kind, you always, always need consent. “To be considered consensualall parties involved must be capable of expressing their explicit and informed consent,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “The absence of protestation does not amount to consent, and the clearest way to secure consent is to ask. Similarly, the most straightforward way to provide consent is to offer an enthusiastic and genuine ‘Yes!’”

Dr. O’Reilly adds that an important component of BDSM beginners should know is that consent is the cornerstone of all kinky activities, and it needs to be granted before and throughout every individual session. “Do not assume that because a lover wanted to be tied up and rough-handled last Saturday night, that they also want to be bound and spanked next Thursday morning,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “You always have the right to withdraw your consent at any time without explanation, regardless of what you may have agreed upon in the past.” This is precisely what Normal People got wrong about BDSM in the case of Marianne’s incorrectly assumed consent.

4. It’s important to check in on safety

Even if elements of distress are an intentional component of a consensual BDSM scenario, you absolutely want to check the emotional and physical safety of your partner(s) and yourself throughout the experience, continually confirming comfort on both fronts. An “are you okay?” can suffice, but you can also establish a safety word or non-verbal cue to communicate your status.

“For instance, two light taps can reassure your lover that you’re feeling good,” Dr. O’Reilly. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured. If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”

And, remember, no matter whether you intend to put these basic foundational guidelines about BDSM for beginners into any kind of action or not, simply knowing about them is key for destigmatizing the sexual practice for those who do. And that alone is helpful in perpetuating a more inclusive understanding about pleasure and how we each experience it.

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How You Can Talk To Your Partner About Your Fetish

by Neeta Karnik

“Tie me up and tell me your dreams.”

We wish it were that easy to tell our partners about our fetishes. But sometimes, the confidence takes a back seat, and we end up breaking in sweats, dismissing the idea of opening up to our partner. Don’t worry; if you have experienced such a moment, it is completely understandable. This is something that does require courage as you are opening up about something that you are vulnerable about. So to help you, here are a few ways that you can talk to your partner about your fetishes.

1. Communicate Your Trust

It is best to tell your partner that you find this topic sensitive, and it has taken a lot of courage to be open about it. You can also tell your partner that you trust them, but there is a small part of you that fears that you will be judged. This way, you are letting them know about your insecurities of being perceived differently, and you are hoping that they will be more mindful of their words.

2. Start Small

While you may have the kinkiest fantasies, you may also want to go slow when it comes to revealing them and see how your partner is accepting the news. Moreover, try not to joke about it to make the situation light. There was a time when I was so nervous about telling my partner about my sex-adventures that I added, “Just kidding!” at the end. This further confused my partner. So it is best to leave the jokes aside and talk about it in a simple manner by revealing your least kinky fantasies first and then breaking the big ones once your partner is in the zone for it.

3. Try Mutual Disclosure

If you are feeling a little overwhelmed, try asking your partner to talk about his/her fantasies so that you can feel comfortable disclosing yours. This way, you will feel more confident in revealing your fetish to your partner. If you want, you both can try writing it down, and then exchanging notes.

Just like all of us experience emotions in our unique way; similarly, our sexual experiences are also unique to us and having a fetish is completely normal. Don’t worry; your partner will be understanding of your desires in bed. Besides, it never hurt anyone to be creative in the bedroom, with consent!

Complete Article HERE!

The New Sex Practice

Shibari Is Like Bondage’s Cousin, but Better

If you saw it on Netflix’s new series “Too Hot to Handle,” come right this way for all the deets.

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You’ve probably heard a thing or two about BDSM (at the very least, you’ve watched Fifty Shades of Grey and thought about converting your S.O.’s video game room into a red room). The term stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadochism and machocism.

Maybe you’ve dabbled in it a bit, maybe you haven’t. But for those who are interested in spicing up their sex life in both an emotional and physical way, you might want to learn about shibari—BDSM’s sort-of, kind-of cousin.

If you’ve already binged Netflix’s new dating show Too Hot to Handle, you probably saw the contestants practice shibari in one of the challenges and thought: Wait, what the hell is happening? And while I personally loved seeing Harry getting tied up, I’m p sure the show isn’t the best place for understanding and learning what shibari is (lol)—but thankfully, this article is.

Not only can shibari be enjoyed by all genders, body types, and sexual orientations, but it’s a great means to bring healthy communication, trust, and spice into your sex life. With the help of four experts, here’s everything you need to know about the rope bondage about to change your sex life.

Okay, so what is shibari?

“Shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan. Sometimes it’s called kinbaku, but it’s most simply referred to as Japanese bondage,” says sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. And yes, while shibari can be used as a means for sexual pleasure, historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.

(Fun fact to impress your friends on trivia night with: The word shibari actually means “tying” and kinbaku means “tight binding,” says Jonathan Ryan, an international rope artist based in Seattle.)

How is it different than regular bondage?

Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction—handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc.—but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or partner, says sex educator Rev. Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction, but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”

And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants,” says Ryan.

How should you and your partner start if you’re interested in trying shibari?

Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue,” he continues.

It’s worth developing a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:

  • What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you?
  • How will I know if you’re having fun?
  • How will I know when I need to change course?
  • What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?

Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:

  • Learn how to tie a “single-column tie” (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial.
  • Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.
  • Have safety sheers on hand… for obvious reasons.
  • Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties.
  • The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.

Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can properly get you started if you’re new to this world.

So why should my partner and I try shibari instead of regular bondage?

All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally-binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.

“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria or simply a feeling of a deeper connection,” says Rucifer.

Any tips, tricks, or benefits of trying shibari?

  • Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori.
  • Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties.
  • Relish in the untying part too—don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savor that—it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.

Complete Article HERE!

The Best BDSM Sex Positions, From Easy to Advanced

All you need is a scarf to get started.

By Gabrielle Kassel

In the middle of a sex session, your partner starts spanking your butt. Or they capture your wrists in one hand and hold them overhead. Or you tie a scarf across their eyes and order them to lie still and await your next move. So long as you both consent, these are all forms of a type of sex play called BDSM—or bondage, dominance/discipline, sadism, and masochism.

Thanks to the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, people have a very skewed vision of what BDSM is, sex and relationship educator Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells Health. Rather than a kinky and shadowy sex practice, BDSM is more about mutual pleasure-focused power and/or pain exchange. It puts one person in the dominant role and the other person becomes submissive; having total control can be arousing, and having no control can be as well.

“BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, but all activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved and can part of a healthy and pleasurable sex life,” says Dr. Jess.

The best thing about giving BDSM a try (or exploring what you already know) is that you don’t need to learn a whole new set of sexual skills. “Almost any old sex position can kinked up with a prop like scarf, ice cub, a blindfold, or verbal exchange of power,” says Dr. Jess. Establish a safe word with your partner, set boundaries and limitations, and give these BDSM positions a go.

Tied to the bed missionary 

This modest missionary upgrade is the easiest way for beginners to get a taste of BDSM. Grab a scarf, then lie on your back with your arms stretched overhead. “If you have a headboard with slats or a four-poster bed, your partner can secure your hands to the bed with the scarf,” Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Health. Otherwise, they can use it to tie your hands together, she says.

Make sure two or more fingers can fit between your wrists and the fabric (so the scarf isn’t so tight it starts to hurt), then have your partner get on top of you, using only your body and voice to guide them. If it feels good to not have total control, keep going and enjoy the pleasure. If the idea of being tied up during sex freaks you out but you still want to sample that lack of control, keep your untied hands behind you and resist the urge to use them or even sit on them, suggests Engle.

Rough rider

This woman-on-top position kicks things up a notch in the pain department. “Fingernails, teeth, and toenails are a non-threatening way to introduce some pain and sensation play into the bedroom,” says Dr. Jess. Hop on top of your partner face to face, then get into a sexual rhythm that feels good.

As you ride, encourage your partner to run their nails up and down your inner thighs or across your breasts…or lean into them so they can nip your outer ear, nick, or nipples. Have them start off with just a slight pressure, then increase things to the point where you feel a little pain mixed in with the pleasure of getting closer to orgasm.

“Teeth and nails are great because your partner can vary the level of intensity—from barely there to deep enough to leave possessive marks on their body,” says Dr. Jess. (But if things start to hurt and you don’t like it, use your safe word to stop them.)

Oral without orgasm

This oral sex position involves you partner going down on you and working you up to the precipice of a big O…then dialing things down so you don’t actually climax. Also known as edging, it’s a BDSM sex move requiring no sex toys or accessories and is all about teasing your partner to the brink of orgasm but denying that release, Kait Scalisi, MPH, certified sex educator and founder of Passion by Kait, tells Health.

How to start: Lie on your back or belly, if you prefer getting oral from behind, and have them go down on you. Let them know you want them to bring you to the edge but not actually climax, and enjoy submitting to their control of your pleasure. (At some point you’ll need that release, but try to hold out as long as you can.)

Blind doggy

Blindfolds are the perfect BDSM prop. “The simple sensory deprivation creates a cauldron of erotic anticipation and will keep you guessing as to where your lover will plant your next kiss, lick, or spanking, says Dr. Jess, putting them in control. If you’re not ready to invest in an actual blindfold, a tie, stockings, or bandana are all good substitutes.

While blindfold sex can be hot in any position, Engle recommends trying it via doggy style. Climb onto the bed, then get into position on all fours. “Your partner will be able to tease and touch you from any direction, but you won’t be able to see them coming, which adds an anticipation and a stranger-danger element to the play…which can be very exciting,” she says.

Sensation-al spooning

“Sensation play” is about using different textures, temperatures, aromas, sounds, sights, flavors, and moisture levels to “arouse the brain and body in new ways,” says Dr. Jess. The props and toys you can use vary a lot but include “anything from fur, feathers, silk, satin, and cotton balls to leather, hot wax, water, and ice cubes,” says O’Reilly. The goal is to either dominate your partner sexually by driving them wild with these new sensations…or submitting to your partner’s control and the pleasure these new sensations bring to you.

After discussing props you’re both okay with and taking them into the bedroom, lie on your side in the spoon position—so you won’t see your partner but they have access to your front and back, depending on where they plan on teasing you. Await the sensations that are about to come, and enjoy. Whether it’s an ice cube running across your nipples or feathers teasing your vulva, you’ll start to feel shivery and excited. Then, turn the tables and surprise your partner with a whole different kind of sensation, and relish being dominant and in charge of their pleasure.

Complete Article HERE!

What is edge play?

Everything you need to know about the high-risk kink

Professionals explain consent and more.

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Chances are you’ve heard the term “edge play” before, either while browsing a BDSM guide or chatting with a friend about Domination and submission. Like many kink terms, it has taboo energy to it. You aren’t supposed to mess with stuff on the edge, right? But that’s what makes it so fun!

Let’s say you’re familiar with what edge play entails, but you don’t know where to start. The Daily Dot interviewed two professional dominants who clued us in with unique considerations that arise when negotiating edge play scenes with their clients.

What is edge play?

Defining edge play is complicated, in part because it’s so specific to each partner’s interests, limits, and boundaries. In The New Topping Book, Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy describe the edge as “wherever things start to feel risky, where you start to feel vulnerable, the edge of the cliff that looks over your personal abyss.” This can look like “playing on the edge of [one’s] skill and knowledge,” although Easton and Hardy also talk about “shadow play.” This is a form of BDSM where “we find acceptance for emotions and behaviors that would be unacceptable outside scene space.”

Edge play can play with both of these things. But everyone’s relationship with the kink varies, including what they are (and aren’t) willing to doing at their edge.

“What constitutes edge play is different for everyone. I consider edge play to be play that occurs at the edge of what one can bear. Play where there is enough trust to push past what is comfortable creates the possibility of a new outcome,” Mistress Blunt, a professional dominatrix based in New York City, told the Daily Dot.

Arizona-based, nonbinary professional dominatrix Domina Elle stressed there’s some “confusion” around the name edge play, as not all edge play necessarily involves “edgy” and “controversial” kinks, let alone “literal sharp objects.” Instead, edge play is “as broad as the number of kinks that exist today.”

“What constitutes edge play is largely subjective,” she told the Daily Dot, “but most of the time playing with a person’s edges simply refers to consensually pushing an individual person’s boundaries or limits.”

What are examples of edge play?

Edge play is ultimately defined by its practitioners, but there are some common topics that regularly appear. Domina Elle says she commonly works with themes around “expression of sexual orientation, pain tolerance, germophobia, fear of kidnapping, fear of public humiliation, fear of sexual harrasment/assault, and fear of death.”

Some additional kinks that may appear on dominants’ and submissives’ edges include:

Of course, one person’s edge may be another person’s Saturday night D/s session.

“My own experience with edge play is complicated. I push people’s boundaries all the time, but I never cross limits. I explore dangerous forms of play on a regular basis, but I recognize and respect the danger for what it is,” Domina Elle said. “It is my job to do my research in advance, communicate risk as effectively as possible, negotiate consent, listen for withdrawal (or nullification) of consent, know what to do when something goes wrong, and to listen to my gut when I do not feel comfortable providing a certain type of experience for any reason.”

Because “edge play” is a subjective umbrella, some forms of play require extensive negotiation between practitioners. This can include “intense preparation” with days to years of “negotiation and planning,” Domina Elle said. Additionally, creating a safety plan and providing plenty of aftercare (“going beyond basic first aid, giving affection as appropriate, taking time away from work”) are all important.

“Before each appointment, a submissive and I do a consultation where we talk about our interests and limits for the day … My scenes only ever consist of the mutual interests that are shared between both my sub and myself,” Domina Elle said. “If a sub brings something up in consult that I am uncomfortable with, I disclose that right away. If it comes up later during session (usually meaning a sub does something against or without asking for my consent), then I have to find a tactful way to protect myself depending on the circumstances.”

What do I need to know before doing edge play?

If it isn’t clear by now, edge play is a risky undertaking. Then again, BDSM is fundamentally dangerous in its own right. Acknowledging that from the start is part of practicing risk-aware consensual kink (RACK). In RACK, all parties know that play may be dangerous, but they are fully aware of the circumstances and are agreeing to them.

“Edge play is not safe. In the same way that the only true wisdom is knowing we know nothing; the only true way to play safely in BDSM is to know that nothing is safe. Choking, fire play, rope bondage, gun play, etc. all have their best practices written in blood,” Domina Elle said. “That being said, freedom and autonomy is more important to me than safety. That is why I practice risk aware consensual kink.”

Domina Elle said empathy is a core component to any form of ethical domination, along with “respect, mercy, and a fierce willingness to admit when you are wrong or don’t know what you are doing.” However, Domina Elle stressed that edge play isn’t defined by neurotypical dominants’ experiences. She said that as an autistic professional dominatrix who does not understand most social cues, BDSM allows her by nature to “break social norms, and shape the circumstances to help me gather information about how a submissive is feeling.”

“Edge play is definitely more about empathy, knowing your subject, and understanding the specific type of play you’re about to engage in than prior practice and advanced skills,” Domina Elle said. “Not all forms of edge play have different levels that can be practiced, not to mention mastered, in advance.”

A medical background, reading comprehension, and good communication skills are all ideal, as are practicing the specific skills required for your edge play scene. Domina Elle also suggests these best practices for edge play practitioners:

    • Ask yourself why you are considering playing with a person’s edge
    • Examine whether this type of play falls within your system of ethics
    • Get educated on the type of play you decide to engage with
    • Negotiate with your scene partner(s) at least 24 hours in advance
    • Use a safe word within the scene.

Mistress Blunt agreed that edge play’s most important qualities are “having intuition, attunement, and communication,” and that it’s incredibly important to know yourself, including what your edges are and your role as a top or a bottom. That includes dominants, too. While most kink advice revolves around the submissive’s safety, doms also have their own edge along with boundaries, feelings, desires, and a need for aftercare after certain scenes.

“Know if you want to explore those edges, if pushing feels good, cathartic, and empowering,” she said. “Some questions I ask folks I play with is if they feel comfortable saying no and stopping or redirecting a scene. Most people say yes, but I use how they say yes as my gauge. I also ask most play partners that if one of us fucks up, if they feel comfortable talking about it after. I don’t think assuming best intentions is always safe, but I try not to play with people who I don’t have that understanding with.”

Technical skills, such as proper rope tying procedures or knife play techniques, are still important, and their necessity during particularly high-risk scenarios cannot be overstated. “Most people don’t exercise those skills as often as they could. These skills are cultivated over time,” Mistress Blunt explained. “These skills are built within individual relationships and don’t necessarily translate to every relationship.”As for newcomers interested in edge play, Domina Elle has strong words of advice: “Take it slowly and take it seriously.”

“There is no need to rush,” she told the Daily Dot. “It is super reasonable to be nervous having your edges pushed, or even playing with another person’s limits. It can be just as rewarding as it can be devastating. Give it the respect it deserves. Listen to your gut instincts.”

So go ahead and explore your edge. Just make sure you and your partner(s) are on the same page, and be honest with yourself if you’re not ready. Your edge can wait for you.

Complete Article HERE!

How to start dominating in the bedroom,

according to a professional dominatrix

By

  • Deciding to be dominant in the bedroom often means subverting traditional gender roles.
  • Professional dominatrixes see that all sorts of people want to be dominated.
  • You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes to get started. All you need are your words, according to Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. 

Not all of us have leadership roles at work, but at some point, we’ve given an order.

We’ve told someone where to sit, where to hang their coat, to stop talking and listen. We’ve asked people to bring napkins to our parties, to pick up groceries on the way home, to turn down the thermostat.

You may not consider yourself a sexually dominant person, but you’ve probably made things happen by asking for what you want. Have you ever texted someone “come over tonight ;)” and had them show up at your door ten minutes later? Said “kiss me” and then found yourself kissed?

Yet the idea of being dominant in the bedroom, especially for women, can still seem strange since it goes against everything we’re taught. We must be fair, things must be equal, we must take care of the other person, we must make sure everyone else’s needs are met before ours.

Being dominant in bed doesn’t just mean being on top. It means knowing why you’re there and being bold about pursuing your pleasure.

Professional dominatrixes are the first to scoff at the idea that all men enjoy being dominant in bed and all women enjoy being submissive. They see firsthand that all sorts of people long to be taken out of the driver’s seat.

Here’s how to reexamine the idea of taking control in bedroom, putting the power dynamic in your favor.

Dominating isn’t the same as being cruel or mean

“One of the most common misconceptions surrounding a woman taking a dominant role is the assumption that she needs to be a display cruel behavior towards others, for the sake of her own gain or pleasure, and without consideration for their safety or well-being,” said Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. “That is not dominance but rather narcissism bordering on sociopathy.”

Taking the lead in bed doesn’t mean being a sadist or demeaning your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. You’re simply connecting with a powerful side of yourself that was always there, and sharing it with a person who wants to make you happy. It’s about closeness and connection, not cruelty.

“The culture of BDSM is heavily rooted in ethics, empathy, and consent,” said Zhang. “The one who assumes the dominant role need not force others to submit, but inspires them to do so by first and foremost displaying compassion and understanding as befitting a moral person.”

You need to understand yourself before you can take on a dominant role

The first step to taking on a more dominant role is to figure out what turns you on. This is easier said than done. We may be ashamed of our desires, we may worry that our partner will laugh or be disgusted by them.

But there’s a reason why the Fifty Shades of Grey books and films were so successful. People were able to point to something on a page and say, “That’s hot.” And then show it to their partner.

Think about scenes in movies and books that have turned you on, and ask yourself why. It may make you feel weird at first, but it’s normal to ask yourself if your desires are normal. It’s up to you to accept them as part of who you are and make the next move.

Great sex starts with communication

Taking cues from mainstream media can also have a downside. Great sex in the movies is often led by the man, or else it’s a magically equal exchange where all the parties seem to intuitively know what the other wants.

Now that’s fantasy.

The reality is that great sex is born of great communication, but it can be hard to wants to talk about what you want. Someone has to take the lead. It should be you.

Taking the dominant position with a partner requires the ability to articulate what you want, explain what pleases you, and why.

“Two of the most important lessons I have learned in my time as a professional dominatrix is to know myself, and to communicate what I want to others. Taking a more dominant role means first having a command and understanding of oneself,” said Zhang.

You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes

Yes, the things we see on television and the movies can inspire our sexiest thoughts, but they can also be intimidating and stop you from giving things a try.

Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to invest in kinky gear, like handcuffs, whips, and rope. They’re symbolic props.

For example, you can use your words to tell your partner not to move. Handcuffs may just provide an extra layer to the experience.

“Begin with some universal concepts by asking your partner if she or he is enticed by the following: being teased, delayed gratification, the freedom from not having to decide/think, or simply just giving you pleasure,” said Zhang. These ideas can inspire any number of playful activities.”

It’s normal to struggle with outdated attitudes about sexual roles

We’re all prisoners of our upbringings. We have ideas of what people are supposed to do in bed. Even if we think of ourselves as progressive, we may still be dogged by out-of-date attitudes about sexual roles.

It’s up to you to examine why you believe that sex has to be a certain way. If it makes you feel good, great. But if you’re unsatisfied and afraid that your fantasies disrupt your ideas about gender roles in bed, you need to stop and think.

“The mind is the sex organ and all it really takes to be dominant is assuming the right attitude,” said Zhang. “And remember, a willing and open-minded partner will want to please you.”

Complete Article HERE!