What Is a Safe Word, and How Do You Use One During Sex?

A simple “stop” might not cut it. Here’s why.

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Sex is hotter for everyone when all parties can relax knowing they’ll stay inside their comfort zones. One way to ensure in advance that everyone will say comfy is to establish a safe word: a word that, when said, signals for the sexy activities to stop.

“A safe word is a word (or a system of words) that helps you communicate your sexual boundaries,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay and sexpert for Lovers. Safe words are often used in BDSM play, but can be used in other forms of sex, as well.

When someone uses a safe word, it signals to their partner(s) that they need to stop what they’re doing and check in with that person, according to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly. Knowing that this system is in place helps people feel safer exploring kinks and fantasies that they might not otherwise.

How to Use Safe Words

Safe words are often used in scenes involving domination and submission so that the sub can let the dom know when they’re approaching their limits, says sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey.

If a scene involves pain, a safe word may indicate that you’ve reached your limits for how much pain you want to experience. It could also indicate that you’re experiencing emotional discomfort, says psychotherapist Frank Thewes—for instance, if you’re feeling triggered by something that’s happening or it just feels like it’s happening too fast.

“You can use your safe word any time you want to stop or take a break,” O’Reilly says. “Simply utter your safe word and play should stop. You can then talk about how you’re feeling, what you want, or changes you’d like to make in order to keep playing—or opt to stop playing altogether.”

Safe words are especially helpful in scenes that involve consensual non-consent play—that is, performing resistance as part of a kink when, in reality, you are consenting. In these cases, saying “stop” could be part of the scene, so someone might want another word that actually means “stop.”

“For instance, in a role-play situation where one partner is playing a dominant teacher and the other partner is playing a submissive student, the sub can act as if they’re resisting the encounter by saying, ‘No, I can’t do that! I’m not a bad girl/boy!’ as part of the scene, while the scene continues,” O’Reilly explains. “Similarly, in a scene that involves caning or flogging, the sub can whine and squirm and yell, but the dom knows that the sub is enjoying it unless they use the safe word.”

But safe words aren’t just for BDSM. “People who have an established safe word might also use it during vanilla play to signal that they have an urgent need that must be addressed,” says Carey—for instance, if you’re uncomfortable and need to change positions, if you’re feeling uneasy, or if you need to go to the bathroom.

Examples of Safe Words to Use

One system created within the BDSM community involves using three words, Stewart explains: “green” means “keep going,” “yellow” means “slow down,” and “red” means “stop the scene.”

Another approach is to pick just one word that means “stop.” It can be any word, but the key is that it’s not a word you would use otherwise; you don’t want there to be any confusion about why you’re saying the word. It should also be something that’s easy to remember and say even if your brain is a little fuzzy, says Carey. Some examples, she says, might be “pineapple” or “elephant.”

Stewart suggests using a word that’s a turn-off for the people involved so that it’ll stop everyone in their tracks, perhaps bringing humor into it. “Mine would be something like ‘all lives matter’ or ‘Trump smegma,’” she says. “It would invoke some type of disgust or emotion. The best words are the words that you and your lover decide together and may be equally emotional for you both.”

The specifics of the word aren’t too important, though. “Any word can be used as long as it is agreed upon ahead of time,” says Thewes. “The word used doesn’t matter as much as the word being respected.”

How to Establish a Safe Word

“You can establish a safe word at any time; however, typically, people establish safe words before they enter into a sexual relationship,” says Stewart. “You can bring it up to them in a casual setting, such as dinner or watching television, and frame it in the context of wanting to try something new.”

For instance, Stewart suggests, you might bring up the idea of blindfolding your partner, then say, “To make sure that we’re safe, let’s establish a safe word just in case you’re feeling uncomfortable, so that I know and we’ll stop what we’re doing. Does that feel good to you? What word would you like?”

Before throwing yourself into the action, it’s helpful to do a practice round where your goal is to say the safe word whether you actually need to stop or not, says Carey. This way, “the sub has a sense memory of having said the word, so they know they’re able to do it in the midst of play,” she says. “This is important because some people become non-verbal when they’re in sub space, so if the sub realizes they can’t verbally safe-word, they need to adjust their system.”

Doing a trial run also lets the dom see whether the sub is able to effectively communicate their boundaries, Carey adds. “If the dom doesn’t trust the sub can safe-word, they can’t trust any of the signals they get.”

In addition to establishing a safe word, it’s helpful to establish what the sub would like to see happen after they use it. Some subs, for example, will appreciate an aftercare routine, says Carey, which could include cuddling, talking about the scene, or having a drink or snack.

Alternatives to Using a Safe Word

There are some instances where safe words won’t be effective, such as when someone is deaf or hard of hearing, when someone is gagged or otherwise unable to speak, or when someone is in a mental space where they don’t feel comfortable speaking, Stewart says.

In these cases, you can instead come up with a safety gesture. “Using gestures such as tapping out, a fist, or an open hand can be helpful in conveying the message that you want,” Stewart says.

Another option is for the sub to hold a bell and ring or drop it if they want to stop, Carey says. As with a safe word, the people involved in the scene should establish the gesture in advance.


Whatever the safe word or gesture is, it’s imperative that the sub feels comfortable using it and the dom is open to hearing or seeing it. “If a sub safe-words, the dom absolutely cannot take this as a personal slight and wander away feeling resentful,” says Carey. “It is their responsibility to take care of the sub’s needs in the aftermath of safe-wording.”

Complete Article HERE!

Consensual Non-Consent

— The Misunderstood Paradox of the Kink World

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The world of consensual non-consent (or ‘CNC’ for short) is one that has often been interpreted as a sphere of dangerous, immoral sexual practice. But is there more behind the kink than meets the eye?

As the name might suggest, CNC is a kink that falls under the umbrella of BDSM, in which two or more consenting parties agree to engage in sexual activities that mimic rape. While it may sound shocking to those who aren’t familiar with it, the r/CNC_Connect subreddit, designed for people with an interest in CNC to meet up IRL, has over 50,000 active users.

Some examples of common CNC activities (or ‘scenes’) include:

  • A pre-planned ‘kidnapping’ of the submissive by the dominant.
  • The use of restraints or bondage equipment.
  • Impact, pain, or choking during sex.

In an interview with Vice, an anonymous CNC enjoyer described the appeal of the experience in more detail:

“The point of CNC is a way to have those real feelings in a way that is conscious, intentional, and risk aware. It’s sexual extreme sports”

Likewise, another confided:

“I want to be manhandled, and pinned down, but not choked within an inch of my life. I want to be forced and held in position, but not punched until I bleed. I want to be violated… consensually”

But is there a real danger to be found in encouraging these behaviours? According to psychologists, it’s minimal. As all of these activities are carried out in safe, consensual, and controlled environments, the reality is much further from real instances of assault or rape than it might appear on the surface.

Dr. Leon Seltzer states:

“In such idealized “pretend scenarios,” a woman can experience her rawest, most unconstrained sexuality as fully, wondrously, even miraculously expressed — in no way impeded by any viscerally felt sense of peril. Diametrically opposed to actual rape, the fantasy really isn’t about losing control as such. It’s about willingly surrendering it.”

That being said, research on the topic is far from conclusive. There have been some studies that suggest the consumption of BDSM material can be harmful to long-term mental and sexual wellbeing.

But that still leaves the question: in a world where women are constantly subject to unwanted sexual advances, what is it about CNC that has such a broad appeal? There are a number of potential reasons.

Some speculate that it is a result of the guilt many women are made to feel by a society that only normalizes male sexual attraction. In a similar vein, it could be the opportunity for women, who are expected to appear presentable and pleasing at all times (even during intercourse), to finally let go.

CNC has proven to be beneficial to those who have suffered trauma as a result of sexual assault or rape. The re-enactment of such moments with a newfound sense of control allows victims to reemerge from the scenario in a different state of mind.

Whether CNC is your cup of tea or not, it seems that it’s much less uncommon than you think.

Complete Article HERE!

Everything you need to know about using safewords

They’re essential to any kind of BDSM play.

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If you’ve been reading up on BDSM or any kind of kinky play, you’ve probably seen a lot of discussion about safewords. That’s because establishing a safeword with your partner is vital in making sure the sex you’re having is safe, sane and consensual.

Sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight, from Lovehoney, explains everything you need to know about establishing safewords, and using them during sex play.

What is a safeword?

“A safeword is a word or signal that ends BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism) play instantly,” Annabelle says. “It can be any word that isn’t a part of common play speech.”

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Choosing a common word like, ‘Stop,’ is discouraged, as people tend to use stop playfully, and the confusion could lead to play ending when you don’t really want it to, or someone not realising when you do really want it to stop.

Some people may wonder if they really need a safeword. The answer is yes, you absolutely do. “It’s the best way of ensuring you can maximise pleasure without either of you getting hurt – either physically or emotionally,” Annabelle says. “There are people who do not use safewords for one reason or another, but they are taking an unnecessary risk. Why risk it when your health and safety is at stake?”

The traffic light system

The most common safewords are known as the traffic light system. They’re easy to remember in the heat of the moment, and each colour communicates to your partner how you’re feeling.

Red: means stop. Saying this will mean you want your partner to stop everything they’re doing immediately. It should be used when you’re not comfortable, things are getting too much, or you no longer consent.

Yellow (or amber): means slow down. Maybe you liked what they were doing but then it became a little too much. Yellow is basically saying “reel it in a little bit”. It can also mean you’re reaching your limit, or are edging on physical discomfort.

Green: means go for it. Use green if you like what your partner’s doing, you feel totally comfortable, and you want them to continue.

Complete Article HERE!

Dom & Sub Relationships

— Everything You Need To Know

When you think of a dom and sub relationship, your mind might immediately go to Fifty Shades of Grey, but there’s so much more to it than what we usually see in pop culture. A dom-sub relationship is more than the whips, ropes, and role play.

By Stephanie Barnes

What is a dom and sub relationship?

A dom-sub relationship is a common way people who are interested in BDSM and kink may choose to engage with each other. Dom is short for dominant, while sub is short for submissive. These terms describe the two roles that partners may choose to take on within a sexual (or romantic) relationship.

The best way to think of a dom-sub relationship is as “a consensual, eroticized exchange of power,” a definition that was introduced by Cynthia Slater, an early leader in the SF Bay Area BDSM community, according to sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D.

Dom and sub relationships are represented by the “DS” in the acronym BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. The power differential between the dom and sub is sometimes memorialized with capital and small-case letters: You will often see the acronym written D/s, Queen notes.

“BDSM can be complicated. But all those terms imply two things in particular: a person who acts on another and/or does things to them, and power exchange,” Queen says.

So, a dom acts upon or does things to a sub. This is consensual and negotiated, such that the acts performed are within the sub’s boundaries of what they would like to experience and within the boundaries of what the dom wishes to do. The notion of power exchange implies relative equality between the two (or more) partners, not a permanent state of inequality since you cannot exchange power if you don’t have some to start with.

“Dom-sub play can involve much more than genital sex (and need not include that kind of sex at all). It can involve service, exhibitionism, the other elements of the BDSM acronym (bondage, discipline aka spanking or impact play, sadism and masochism aka eroticizing intense sensation),” Queen explains. “It can involve pretty much anything, as long as the participants want to do it and it can be contextualized in a dom-sub framework.”

The role of the dom.

In a D/s relationship dynamic, the role of the dominant partner is to hold and exercise the control that the submissive has consensually transferred.

“As a dominant, you enjoy the role of being assertive and direct how the scene plays out. You can look at a D/s relationship like an exchange, between power dynamics,” says sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “As a dominant, your role is to lead, guide, protect, enforce, decide, etc. But most importantly, your role is to hold the space of trust and exercise control with responsibility.”

Dom can also be spelled as “domme” if the dominant presents or identifies as femme.

The role of the sub.

As a submissive, your desire is in consensually agreeing to relinquish control and surrender and submit to the direction, leadership, or guidance of the dominant. Menezes says the submissive typically feels empowered by surrender and enjoys giving up control in the agreed-upon scene.

“Surrender requires trust and comes with vulnerability,” she explains. “Trusting the dominant and setting clear agreements around the scene (consent, boundaries, limits, safe words, etc.) are incredibly important.”

Although the dominant partner has the perceived power in the relationship, Menezes notes that the submissive can choose to end the scene or relationship at any point or use their safe word to tap out. “The dynamic of control is only in the dominant’s hands until the context of the scene or relationship ends and/or if either one chooses to end the scene,” she adds.

Types of dom/sub relationships.

Like other relationships, dom-sub relationships come in many configurations. These relationships can be long-term, exclusive, and romantic; long term but poly or kinky friends-with-benefits-style; or one-time things.

Queen also notes that doms are often referred to as tops, while subs are referred to as bottoms. However, it’s a common myth that people are all either tops/doms or bottoms/subs; many people like to play both roles, and those people may be called switches.

Here are a few ways people may engage in dom-sub relationships:

D/s lovers

There are no whips and chains in their toy box, but there might be lots of vibrators. These people have sex the way most people do, but one partner “runs the f–k,” as the charming saying goes. The sub in this scenario finds it exciting to be told to perform sexually and gets off on sexually servicing their dom, says Queen.

Master and servant

This pairing doesn’t just focus on sexual service—many other types of service might be points of focus. Think of the BDSM classic: the sub caring for the dom’s boots and leathers. But in a different context, this could look like laying out someone’s evening clothes and helping them get ready to go out.

Bondage, D/s style

It’s not unusual to see D/s partners who specialize in creating beautiful bondage harnesses or amazing suspension bondage scenarios together, Queen says.

“This kind of play could be done with a stranger—but since a substantial amount of trust needs to be involved, not to mention skill, it can be wise and pleasurable to establish a regular partner for this kind of play.”

Training relationships

In these, the dom treats the sub as a kind of private student—or even as a role-play animal. “My favorite: Puppies and ponies, where the dom sets the training regimen and the sub learns sexual skills,” Queen says.

Keyholders

This is a term associated with chastity play where the key in question is a key to a cock cage or chastity belt, Queen explains. This kind of D/s play involves a sub allowing their dom to tell them when they can touch themselves, have an orgasm, etc.

Caregiver/little

In these relationships, the dom acts in an older caregiver role, such as mother, father, aunt/uncle, or nanny type over a sub who plays a younger role, says Antonia Hall, transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author.

“Age play for the submissive may begin as a baby in diapers with a pacifier, a young child or adolescent. Activities can range from nurturing (bath time, hair brushing) to spanking and punishment. Submissives express an appreciation for being able to get out of their heads and relaxing into somebody else taking care of them,” Hall explains.

24/7

Some people engage in D/s play as a permanent (unless they renegotiate) part of their relationship. Unlike most of the rest of the styles above, in these relationships the roles are generally fixed and don’t involve switching, as the above styles might, says Queen.

Female-led relationships

The term female-led relationship or FLR traditionally describes an ongoing BDSM relationship between a dominant woman and a submissive man. Though as sex educator and professional dominatrix Lola Jean recently told mbg, that definition has been evolving. “FLR can be any relationship that is not ‘male-led,'” she explains. “In its more extreme and perhaps traditional [form], FLR is a relationship where the female, or femme, is the decision-maker for the other partner. This could be anything from their finances to their attire to more menial tasks like chores.”

Tips for exploring a dom/sub relationship:

1. Do your research.

To start, Queen recommends figuring out what kinds of dom-sub styles are out there, what they involve, what you might need to engage in it, and what kind of focus are you drawn to. For this step, read, attend classes, or even seek out mentors.

2. Figure out who you’ll play with.

Who will you play with? Queen says it’s important to ask this question before diving in. Do you have a partner who is likely to want to explore this? If yes, talk to them to see if you can find yourself on the same page in terms of your play style. If you don’t have a partner, this is the phase when you begin to figure out where the people are who want to play this way. It’s a good spot to be in because you can fine-tune your search. Queen also suggests including any potential partners in the research step.

4. Set boundaries and limits.

Have very clearly defined boundaries before beginning dom-sub role play. It is imperative that both the dominant and submissive sit down and go over boundaries and limits. This may include a contract detailing what the submissive is comfortable with and what is off-limits, says Hall.

5. Prioritize safety.

The submissive’s physical, mental, and emotional safety, as well as that of the dominant, is extremely important, Hall notes. “As many dom/domme and sub relationships involve some level of bondage, discipline, caregiving, and punishment, it is the dominant’s responsibility to stay clear of mind, limit drug and alcohol use during role-play, stop the role-play before getting tired, and always be aware of the submissive’s state of being.”

You’ll also need a safe word, even if you aren’t doing the kind of BDSM that requires special gear. Make sure your safe word is a word or phrase that would never come up in ordinary play, so it is immediately clear if either of you is asking the other to stop, Queen adds.

6. Find BDSM community.

All of this is much easier when you have role models and people around you who “get it.” You can also find kink-aware therapists and other professionals, as well as online experts whose classes delve into the emotional space as well as the physical techniques of BDSM and dom-sub play.

The bottom line.

Exploring BDSM, specifically a dom and sub relationship, can be an amazing experience for you and your partner or partners. However, before diving headfirst into anything, do your research and make sure you are comfortable with what will be required of you. And finally, whatever you do, make sure you’re creating a safe, consensual space built on agreements and discussions that honor everyone involved.

Complete Article HERE!

‘Tie me up and call me a good boy’

— The secrets of a submissive man

By

Daniel (not his real name) had not always wanted to be the submissive in a BDSM relationship.

With his ex-partner for a long time, the 30-year-old thought he was happy with his vanilla sex life – but seven years into his once-happy partnership, a small seed previously planted deep inside him had started to germinate.

‘I had watched a lot of dominatrix porn when I was growing up,’ he explains, his voice surprisingly soft over the phone. ‘It was something I had thought about a lot. I knew I was definitely into it, but it was something I had kept to myself.’

Eventually, when Daniel did work up the courage to tell his girlfriend about his sexual preferences, she was left taken aback, with Daniel claiming it was that moment that led to the beginning of the end of their relationship.

‘She just saw me differently,’ he says. ‘Once you tell them, if they’re not into it, you just don’t get along with someone the same way after that.

‘I expected her to understand what I like in bed after seven years together. I was shocked she was less understanding. It was really difficult when we broke up.’

While BDSM has enjoyed more moments in the mainstream than it has previously – with the book franchise (and subsequent film trilogy) Fifty Shades bringing a (largely controversial and problematic) glimpse into a dom-sub relationship to a larger audience – there are still misconceptions, misunderstandings and an element of taboo surrounding men who prefer to be submissive.

A YouGov survey, conducted in Britain, the United States and Germany, found that only 10% of men preferred to be submissive in bed, with nearly twice the number of men wanting to be the dominant sexual partner.

And on the whole, there seems to be a general lack of understanding over what it means to be when you’re a submissive man in the bedroom.

‘A submissive partner, or sub, is anyone who follows the instructions of the other, dominant partner(s) in their life and willingly forfeits their control or power in a relationship or sexual encounter,’ relationship expert for adult toy brand Ricky, Tracey Coates, explains.

‘Playing a submissive role can take many different forms, in and out of bed. You might be quick to associate submission with a gimp suit, or the likes of bondage, domination and masochism. Those are all correct, but there are also a fascinating range of roleplaying scenarios that involve no physical sex at all.

‘Take findom, for instance. Findom, short for financial domination, is a fetish in which money and power dynamics are sexualised and the submissive partner derives pleasure from monetarily supporting the dominant partner through cash, gifts, paying bills and more.’

Daniel’s own preferences as a sub man are gentler than the usual pre-conceived ideas of whips, chains and spanking.

‘I’d want the domme to be in charge and take control, but I want the softer side to it,’ he explains. ‘I definitely like being tied up in the bed, and them just having their way with me.

‘I don’t like being spanked so much, I want it to be a bit more positive. I don’t really like name-calling… I like being called a good boy.’

After breaking up with his ex, Daniel has started to experiment more with his kink; while he has never paid to meet with a dominatrix for sex, he has turned to the internet to meet like-minded people.

‘I tried to use Tinder to meet women, but unfortunately that didn’t really work out,’ he explains. ‘I had some luck on Reddit and its BDSM forums, and there’s a website called FetLife.com, which I tried out for a while.’

While many people may be afraid to meet up with total strangers and allowing them to entirely dominate, Daniel’s experience is that the BDSM community has been largely welcoming.

‘I’ve found it to be really nice compared to all other types of communities,’ he says. ‘They’re pretty welcoming. And if you ask them any type of question, they’re always happy to answer it.

‘Usually when I meet someone random, we only really talk for a little bit. There are sometimes those thoughts when I’m being tied up where I’m like… is this safe or anything. But at the same time, it does give me a rush of excitement.’

It’s this notion of relinquishing control in the bedroom is what makes being a male sub so appealing, says dating expert and matchmaker at Tailor Matched, Sarah Louise Ryan.

‘It’s a power play,’ she explains. ‘The sexual satisfaction from being a submissive comes from consensually relinquishing control in the bedroom in a safe, deeply communicative and highly arousing environment for them.

‘The pleasure for a submissive comes from when endorphins and serotonin are released around the body, a cocktail of delicious hormones, which make anyone feel good, let alone a submissive during sex.

‘Our brains receptors to pleasure and pain are closely wired and so if say a submissive is also a masochist and they are engaging in a power play of impact during intimacy, as submissive’s brain may translate the pain as pleasure, rushing blood around the body.’

It may still be early days for Daniel, who has since had three or four domme-sub scenarios, having broken up with his long-term partner, but almost immediately after entering the world of BDSM he found that he was still in a minority overall.

‘I’ve spoken to a few men who also consider themselves to be subs, and usually they’re struggling with the same type of thing where they have kind of a hard time trying to find someone that is OK with what they like,’ he says.

The perceived small quantity of male subs may stem from how the current cultural dialogue imposes gender stereotypes in which men should be in charge, while women are expected to be submissive.

It’s a toxic viewpoint that can trample on sexual pleasure for both parties, says Daniel.

‘It’s so widely believed and accepted that men like sex and women don’t,’ he says. ‘It’s so wrong in general.’

‘Some males might choose to keep their submissive tendencies private due to the prevalence of toxic masculinity; the concept of how a ‘real man’ should act, look and think,’ Coates agrees. ‘Traditionally masculine traits such as dominance, great sexual performance and strength don’t conventionally fit with being a submissive partner, though there’s nothing to suggest that a submissive partner can’t be great in bed or a strong-minded individual.’

The misunderstandings around what it means to be a male submissive can lead to awkwardness when expressing your kink with a new partner who may not necessarily be part of the BDSM world.

‘Being a submissive male might seem like a tricky subject to broach when you’re dating someone and you might wonder when to tell them,’ says Coates. ‘The truth is, it’s no different than any other type of romantic or sexual conversation.

‘Introducing dominant and submissive roles into a relationship and sexual encounters is not a taboo practice – you will know when it’s the right time to discuss it because you’ll feel open to talking about it, relaxed and trusting in your partner.’

Ryan agrees that it’s vital that there is an equilibrium of sexual pleasure between the two partners.

‘Being open about what you want sexually and what you need both inside and outside of the bedroom is really important,’ she says. ‘Where and who we invest our time, sexual, physical and emotional energy into is crucial to feeling deep sense of happiness, connection and living a conscious life; being transparent about who we are allows for alignment with a compatible other.

‘When we aren’t honest about what we need, want and desire with others or even with ourselves, we lose integrity for ourselves and live a life less than the one we truly deserve; it’s an injustice to ourselves and out of alignment. By being honest about what we want in the bedroom, no matter the kink, fetish or desire is so important to aligning with who we are and living an authentic life.’

For now, Daniel is going to keep exploring his kink in a safe environment, meeting up with women who are more than willing to dominate him – and hopes that eventually, society will be more accepting of men who wish to explore a submissive kink.

‘I don’t ever see myself moving away from being in a sub domme relationship,’ he says. ‘I would just like it to be more accepted. I just think that just because I’m a male, that shouldn’t just mean I’m the dominant one. I would just like to think that males can be submissive if they want to. Women can be dominant if they want to as well.

‘I figured that if I wanted to be happy, I better do what I want.’

Complete Article HERE!

What is spanking therapy

— And how can it help?

by Beth Sissons

Spanking therapy uses spanking as a form of release. People may choose to take part in spanking therapy to release stress and responsibility, explore power roles, or work through negative emotions or trauma. However, there is limited scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.

People may speak with a practitioner for spanking therapy or learn how to do it safely with a partner.

This article looks at what spanking therapy is, what it involves, and why individuals may do it.

Spanking therapy has no exact definition, but people may class it as any form of consensual spanking under BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (SM).

Individuals may also class it as any consensual BDSM spanking to release certain emotions or work through issues, such as trauma.

People may use it for relaxation or the release of power, responsibility, negative emotions, or trauma.

Spanking therapy may be an option for anyone of an appropriate age to take part in consensual BDSM practices.

People may wish to find a spanking therapist or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy with a partner.

According to an article in The Journal of Sex Research, people may engage in spanking therapy for a range of reasons, such as :

  • Power play: People may find it sexually arousing to play with power roles, such as becoming dominant or submissive. Others may also find it freeing to release responsibility and power in a controlled environment.
  • Spiritual experience: Some people report that SM practices alter their state of consciousness, providing them with a sense of connection, wholeness, and mind expansion.
  • Stress release: Individuals may find similar benefits from spanking therapy as those from mindful activities, such as meditation.
  • Escapism or sense of adventure: People may find spanking therapy a way to change their routine and elevate their experience from mundane or everyday matters.

The authors also note that some scientific theories suggest that SM practices, such as spanking, may help some people heal from trauma.

Reclaiming or relinquishing power through the act of spanking may help some people regain psychological control over past traumatic events.

However, a person may wish to consult a mental health professional before engaging in spanking therapy to help heal from trauma.

According to a 2020 article, BDSM, particularly SM practices, may offer therapeutic and soothing effects for some people.

The research also suggests that SM practices may also provide similar psychological benefits as meditation. These benefits may include increased concentration levels, reduced mental activity, and relaxation.

Anecdotal sources also report that spanking therapy may help:

  • relieve stress
  • provide pleasure
  • allow people to gain or relinquish power in a controlled situation
  • process or release trauma

There is little scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.

Research on BDSM practices has shown that those submissive in BDSM had biological changes indicating increased pleasure.

According to spanking therapy practitioners, they may use their hands to spank the lower, inner quadrant of the bottom.

A practitioner may also use a silicone or wooden paddle to create different sensations.

Clear communication is important, so the practitioner understands what people are hoping to get out of the session and the acts with which they can remain comfortable.

A spanking therapy session may involve the following:

  • a warmup session to get the body prepared
  • discussing any injuries or physical concerns
  • what the person hopes to get out of the session, and at what point it will end
  • agreeing on safe words or actions to stop the session at any time
  • whether people will keep their bottom clothed or not

During the spanking therapy, a practitioner may use a hand or paddle to offer different sensations.

After the session, the practitioner will check in with how people are feeling and allow time for them to process the emotions that may have come up.

Spanking therapy requires skill, and people without training may not be able to carry it out safely. However, if individuals wish to try spanking therapy with a partner, they may want to speak with a trained spanking therapist first for advice or training.

People could also learn from sex parties, classes at sex shops, online tutorials, or books.

Discussing consent

Before engaging in spanking therapy or any sexual activity, it is important that individuals discuss consent, boundaries, and expectations with their partner.

Consent is an ongoing process, and a person can change their mind and withdraw their consent at any time.

To ensure those involved are comfortable, people should:

  • talk about the activity
  • check in with each other often
  • ensure that everyone consents beforehand

The following are answers to common questions about spanking therapy.

Is spanking therapy always sexual?

Spanking therapy is not necessarily sexual, and some people may see it in a similar way to other forms of physical therapy. Others may see it as a more ritualistic experience.

According to a 2015 article, people may take part in BDSM activities such as spanking for nonsexual reasons.

Individuals may find it provides a new experience and a release from their everyday selves and responsibilities.

Why might people like being spanked?

People may enjoy spanking for several reasons, such as:

  • the release of power and responsibility
  • relaxation
  • stress relief
  • the release of trauma or negative emotions
  • altering their state of mind

A 2019 study looked at how Canadian university students thought about BDSM practices, with 60% of male participants and 31% of female participants having positive thoughts about whipping or spanking.

Where can a person learn more about spanking therapy?

If people want to learn more about spanking therapy, they may wish to:

  • read articles or books on the subject
  • talk with a sex worker trained in spanking therapy
  • connect with a local or online BDSM community

Spanking therapy uses spanking as a therapeutic method to release stress, explore power play, or let go of trauma.

People can consult a trained spanking therapist for a session or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy themselves with a partner.

Complete Article HERE!

Women on top

— The woman who found BDSM in her 50s

“Sexuality-wise I mostly find people who are not into BDSM boring; they aren’t sexy or open enough for me.”

Anjya is 58, and is always submissive in her BDSM relationships. But she won’t be won’t be submissive to just anyone…

Ever wondered what kind of sex other women are really having? In her book ‘Women On Top of the World’ Lucy-Anne Holmes has collated the true and often astonishingly candid accounts of lust, desire, heartbreak and romantic hope from women, from all around the globe.

Anja, 58, Germany:

I want a real Dom.

I am not submissive to anybody, but I am submissive to those who know how to appreciate my submissiveness. The devotion of a woman or man is a very special gift.

If I meet someone and we go to a beer garden, I won’t say anything. I wait. I want him to say, ‘Okay, we’ll go to this corner,’ and ‘I want to sit here, you go there.’ He could even say, ‘Go to the bathroom, take off your panties if you have them on, and sit without panties,’ and I would do it. That would be very arousing to me.

BDSM is a state of mind, a bond between the Dom and the submissive. It is an interaction of wisdom and wellbeing, a secret together that others don’t know about. We don’t have to do much; it’s about the attention I get and the attention I give him, in being ready for his wishes. This is like a cocoon for me; I feel protected and that’s a very beautiful feeling.

My ex-partner and I would rent a studio room with BDSM furniture for four hours. In BDSM when you play for four hours, it feels like half an hour. One session sticks in my mind. He blindfolded me and tied me up with my arms above my head and my legs spread out. He put out his equipment after I was blindfolded so I didn’t know what was going on. My senses being taken away made my feelings more intense. He put clothes pegs on my nipples, which are so sensitive anyway. I was frightened because I didn’t know what he would do next, and because I knew he was a Dominant-sadist. He had told me that BDSM was his opportunity to let the monster out and live his aggressions in a so-called accepted form of brutality. That’s quite edgy. Maybe it brought something up that I was already feeling about him. There was nobody else nearby; I was completely alone if anything happened against my will.

I started screaming. Blank fear.

Woah.

He was shocked that I was scared. We’d never had that before. He held me. He calmed me down. ‘Breathe, we’ll have a break.’

When we carried on, he beat me with a hand on the arse. I love this, it’s intimate and precise. Pure sensation and arousal through pain. A strong caress. Bam. I love the beautiful spanking sound, full and sexy. The arse gets hot. The hand stays in contact for a moment and the impact wave goes through the whole body. It can really hurt, especially if it’s for a long time on the same spot, and I can start crying. Spanking is the warming-up phase, so I felt a lot of anticipation for what would come next.

“I was fifty when I started to think, What do I like? What are my preferences? I grew up in a tense environment.” Image: Getty

He put me over a box, exposing my arse again. He put his leg between mine to make me spread out. This is a very sexy move. It says, do what I want. Then he used a flogger. At one point he told me to change position. I was so submissive that I felt as though I was in bondage, that I couldn’t move an inch from where he put me. Most of the time in these sessions I don’t think, but then I had the thought, Shit, this is heavy stuff today. I am really under his control. I was amazed at the power.

I was fifty when I started to think, What do I like? What are my preferences? I grew up in a tense environment.

My childhood wasn’t easy as my parents were chronically sick. It was very depressing for me sometimes. War bullshit. Traumatised parents and grandparents.

I was taught nothing about sex so I went to the library when I was fourteen and read everything I could. I started with Masters and Johnson’s texts. It gave me a scientific way to understand sexuality that was fascinating. I used to urinate on the living room floor; it aroused me and doing something forbidden and different gave me a feeling of freedom. I think this was the start of my BDSM. And I remember when I first lived with a man, I made him a boiled egg salad. I peeled the eggs, and then placed them in my vagina before serving him the salad. I never told him I had done that, and I got such a kick from watching him eat it.

Sexuality-wise I mostly find people who are not into BDSM boring; they aren’t sexy or open enough for me and they’re not in contact with their own sexual power and energy.

I think people need to know that female sexuality is for real.

Complete Article HERE!

A Beginner’s Guide to Kinky Sex

If you’re turned on but intimidated by the complex lingo, etiquette, and array of fetishes out there, let us gently domme you through the basics.

by Reina Sultan

A lot of time can pass between the moment people discover they’re turned on by kink and when they actually act on that. I should know: In high school, I avidly read smutty BDSM fanfics on Tumblr, and it emboldened me to ask the very first guy I had sex with to choke me in bed. He said no, fearing he might “crush my larynx.” Bummer.

For six years after that “no,” I tried to forget I was into kink for a few reasons: I didn’t know how to find people who would choke me, plus I felt some basic shyness about getting into a scene with intimidatingly complex lingo, equipment, and social codes—especially when that scene involved scary-looking floggers and chains.

It took the boredom and voracious horniness of Pandemic Winter 2020 for me to live out my submissive fantasies. I started talking to a guy on Instagram I had mutuals with, but had never met. He sent me spanking videos, and after some back and forth, he invited me over to do a kink scene. I wondered whether this spelled murder, especially because I’d be going to his literal basement but, touch-starved, I said yes. (And then changed my mind and said no. And then said yes again.

I hadn’t even asked around about him, so I was very lucky he was a chill, respectful person and a hot partner. That first time, we explored sensation and impact play. As we kept seeing each other, he taught me more about kink, like how to figure out the specifics of what I was into and safely practice BDSM. But there was still so much to learn.

For newcomers, it can be tough to figure out the rules and etiquette of kink, especially if you’ve mostly encountered it in porn and the occasional Instagram infographic. But through communication, practice, research, and building a kink community, I started learning the ropes (kind of—I only bottom during rope scenes), and the more I learned, the more I liked what I was doing. 

Kinky sex simply requires more thought and planning than vanilla sex. But don’t worry—now I’m here to help you get freaky, too. Learning about the basic tenets of kink will help you have the best possible time when you (finally!) decide to try it out for yourself. OK? Say, “Yes, Mistress.” Just kidding—I already told you I’m a sub.

What is kink?

“Kink” covers subcultural sexual practices like BDSM, fetish play, and role play, as well as the lifestyles and social groups related to them. That’s pretty broad, so here’s a basic—and not at all comprehensive, don’t @ me—list of tastes, terms, and phenomena that are fairly common in the wild and vast world of kink.

  • BDSM. This acronym, which you almost certainly have heard before, refers to “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.” A dominant (which, like “domination,” is sometimes capitalized depending on people’s preferences), is a person who exerts control, like by ordering around their partner. A submissive is a person at the other end of that power exchange who willingly gives up their control. A sadist gets pleasure from inflicting pain, and a masochist likes receiving pain. To read more about BDSM, check out this blog post by one of my faves in the kink scene, Venus Cuffs, whom we’ll hear more from in a bit.
  • A top is a person—not necessarily a dominant—performing an activity: They’re usually the one tying the ropes and spanking the butts. A bottom is a person—not necessarily a submissive—having an activity done to them: being tied up, getting spanked. Switch/vers refers to someone who both tops and bottoms or can be both dominant and submissive. These terms are used in many contexts outside of BDSM too, particularly if you’re queer—read more here!
  • A scene refers to a kinky experience or session, which you can have more than one of during a given encounter or party. If you got spanked for 20 minutes or tied up and teased with a sex toy, those things would be considered scenes.

Let’s talk about some common fetishes. This is a fun A–Z list of kinks and fetishes. It’s not all-inclusive: Any hot thing you’re fixated on can be its own fetish, so don’t despair if yours isn’t on that list or the one included just below. It’s just good to have a place to start in terms of what you might come across as you go.

  • Impact play is focused on a top striking a bottom’s body with their hands or implements like canes, paddles, floggers, or whips. Here’s a guide to safety during impact play.
  • Rope bondage refers to the practice of restraining or binding someone with rope, which is not necessarily always Shibari (and doesn’t need to be). Shibari refers specifically to a type of rope bondage which originated in Japan. I highly recommend researching Japanese Shibari educators and practitioners to understand how to respectfully engage in Shibari. Whatever you’re doing, read up on rope safety practices first.
  • Sensation play is when the goal is arousal or stimulation through senses (like playing with ice, Wartenberg wheels, or hot wax). Seek out a safety guide for whatever you’re doing—you should look for sources that outline actual health risks, not just, “Here’s what feels good and what doesn’t.”
  • Sharps play involves, well, sharp stuff like needles, knives, or scalpels. Obviously, you’ll need to know a little more about mitigating risks if this is what you’re into—start with this Healthline guide.
  • Breath play involves restriction of oxygen. Look up how to minimize risk before choking of any kind.
  • Edge play refers to especially high-risk play of any kind, like rope suspension, knife play, or needle play. 

How can I find out more about what kinks I’m into?

People get into kink through porn, social media, sexual experimentation, fanfics, and beyond. There’s no shame if you read or watched 50 Shades of Grey and got curious! (Just know that the books and films are filled with inaccuracies about BDSM, consent, and safety practices.)

Reeru, a 32-year-old sadist top in Brooklyn, found out he was kinky when a partner used restraints on him. “I was teased until I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said. Reeru freed himself from the restraints and took the dominant role, which he said “awakened that part of [him].” Afterwards, he sought out kink more straightforwardly.

Like Reeru, you might come to kink through sex, but plenty of people also (or exclusively) consider kink a form of self-expression. Venus Cuffs is a New York–based dominant working in nightlife who uses she and they pronouns. Cuffs uses kink to subvert society’s racist definitions of her. “[In my daily life,] I was expected to be angry—to be a mammy, take care of everyone, be submissive, and be a servant. To never truly have any power,” they said. Through BDSM, she said, they’re served and honored by men instead.

To investigate what makes you feel turned on or otherwise piqued: Read books about kinky sex and see what makes you horny as you read. Watch kinky porn. Go to an event to watch kinky performances. Finally, taking the famous online BDSM test can point you toward what you might like—it’s kind of cringe and hilarious, but I don’t know anyone in kink who hasn’t taken it at least once, even just for fun.  

How do I find kinky people?

Plenty of people enjoy kink with their usual romantic and sexual partners. But you can also look into dedicated communities if you’re hoping to dip your toes (or whatever body parts you like) into local and online kink scenes. 

Many people recommend starting by exploring FetLife, a kinky social network. Some disclaimers: It’s not very user-friendly—its interface looks and is almost charmingly bad—and, as on any platform, some users are rude or bigoted. Still, FetLife is the only platform of its kind, and it remains one of the better ways for newcomers to find people and events.

For one-off encounters, dating apps can be useful. Feeld, which is marketed to people seeking group sex, is particularly kinky compared to other apps, but you can find potential partners on the more general and popular apps. I’m currently in my “off again” phase with apps, but this is usually my bio (go ahead and roast me): “I’m a non-monog masochistic bottom looking for new connections. Into impact play, plants, my cats, police/prison abolition, and bruise pics.” Feel free to adapt it based on what you’re into.

How do I vet partners?

Remember how I turned up to a stranger’s basement with no idea what I was doing? Don’t be like me! I’m lucky everything turned out OK, but kink can be physically and emotionally risky. Look into potential partners—and, ideally, meet in public—before they tie you up and spit on you (or vice versa). 

When I’m talking to new people about playing together, I ask them how long they’ve been doing the activity at hand and what their skills are. Understanding more about a partner’s history and qualifications can help prevent mistakes and injuries—for instance, a top should be able to tell you how they plan to keep you both safe. Exploring with an inexperienced partner who wants to learn can be OK, but less so if you learn they’ve never tied anyone up before when you’re already suspended from the ceiling.

I ask people I’m vetting how they define consent and to describe their risk profiles (this is a common kink phrase covering how intense a person is willing to get during rough play). If that feels right, I check their social media accounts for red flags—have they posted about having no limits or hating safe words?—and I ask my community members what they know about the person. Ideally, I’m able to speak with a previous partner to confirm that things went well. (That’s right—I ask for kink references, and you should, too.)

It’s not possible to do this deep of a dive at parties, but before tying with a rope top at an event, I ask what they know about preventing nerve damage and where and when they learned to tie.

If I’m comfortable with their answers, we keep talking—most of the time. Sometimes nothing comes up that’s a problem, but something you can’t quite put your finger on gives you pause. Trust your gut! If someone feels off, they might not be dangerous, but they’re probably not for you.

What if I’m looking for a professional to teach me about kink?

People explore kinks with professional dom(me)s, submissives, and fetish providers for a low-stakes way to get a little experience before seeking out unpaid partners. Mistress Danielle Blunt, who is a professional Dominatrix, said, “Hiring [a professional] can be a great way to explore kinky desires for newbies, because it takes the pressure off having to navigate something that can be scary or feel shameful with a partner.”

Some people, like me, just prefer working with pros. Bottoming for rope can be dangerous, and since I’ve researched the risks, I almost exclusively tie with people who get paid to know what they’re doing. Knowing I’m in good hands, I can get into a juicy, wonderful space when I’m being suspended—one that feels full of catharsis and release.

People can hire pros for so many things: A client might want someone to top them in spanking scenes. They might want to learn how to tie rope themselves, or for someone to teach them proper ball-busting technique. Whatever it is people are doing while working with professionals, they’re expected to be respectful of their boundaries, time, and rates.

How can I tell if a kink event is safe?

First, let’s talk about what kink events and parties even are. Events aren’t always orgies. You might also come across performances, workshops, mixers, classes, and play parties. 

When you see parties advertised online, look for two acronyms:

  • RACK, which stands for “risk-aware, consensual kink,” and means all parties agree to understand and consent to the risks in any activity.
  • NMIK, which stands for “no minors in kink,” as in, don’t engage in kink with minors or let minors attend kink events!  

Before any kind of party, organizers might throw “munches,” which allow you to meet people in expectation-free settings prior to partying together. Munches can happen just before an event that includes touching or sex, or completely separately. They generally occur in public places (or virtually) and people attend without their whips, and with clothes on.

Whether you’re at a munch or looking into an event independently: Ask organizers about consent practices. A zero-tolerance policy for violations is great, but get specific. What happens if someone reports that happening?

Reeru suggested more questions to guide your decision-making about event safety:

  • “Are there dungeon or consent monitors present and easily identifiable?” (“Dungeons,” by the way, are established BDSM spaces.)
  • “How do you vet performers, professionals, and guests?”
  • “Are people using drugs or alcohol?”
  • “Are safer sex practices being observed?”
  • “Are vaccinations mandatory?”

If organizers don’t have good (or any) answers, steer clear. However, if you mostly like an event, but notice something is lacking or vague, bring it up! If they’re amenable to making changes to prioritize people’s safety and comfort, that’s a really good sign.

How should I act at kink events?

The first way to fit in at a kink event happens before you get there: Follow directions about what to wear. Generally speaking, jeans and a T-shirt are too casual. Think more Euphoria vibes. Many, if not most, parties require you to turn a look within dress codes like fetish gear or formalwear—I’ve seen a Moulin Rouge theme, and people love latex-and-leather parties. Check with coordinators or reread the description to make sure you’re dressing the part.

As with their dress codes, each event is going to vary in terms of what’s socially expected and acceptable. If you have questions about what is or isn’t OK, ask an organizer.

One thing holds true everywhere you go: Behave respectfully. As Venus Cuffs said, “BDSM does not exist without consent, which should be the foundation of all your play. There are no exceptions to this rule—without it, it’s abuse.” This is true of all kinds of kink.

Ask before touching anyone or any toys or equipment. Don’t interrupt while people are mid-scene. Keep a safe distance when watching a scene so you don’t accidentally get hit or make anyone uncomfortable.

What does “negotiating a scene” mean, and how do I do it?

“Negotiation” is a before-scene discussion about participants’ needs, wants, and limits. (Yes, another one!) This conversation varies depending on the scene and partner. If you’re new partners, a negotiation might be extensive, since you’re learning about each other for the first time. If you’ve already been together, you might ask fewer questions or just make sure what you discussed last time still applies. 

Lots of negotiation questionnaires and sheets are available online, but these premises are usually part of all of them:

  • Soft limits are acts and types of kink that you generally don’t want to do, but could be flexible about with the right person, at the right time. One of my soft limits is needle play, which can involve being pierced with gauge needles. I don’t usually want to do it, and I would never do it during my first time with someone—but I’ve tried it, and I would again under proper conditions.  
  • Hard limits are definite nos. One of mine is race play: Under no circumstances will I engage in kink based on racialized power differentials.
  • Safe words are codes that can pause or stop play. Some people don’t use “no” or “stop” because it can be part of pre-negotiated play to feign resistance (hot), and you don’t want someone to actually stop when you’re having a good time (not hot). Like many newcomers and experienced people alike, I use stoplight colors: “yellow” to indicate I’m approaching my limits, and “red” when I need a full stop.

People can have intense reactions during scenes, even if they think they’re ready for what’s coming and have safe words in place. Sometimes, things can become triggering, or people can become non-verbal. Talking through this in advance can prevent harm in the moment when emotions are high. For example: If you start crying, is that an automatic end to the scene? Is it OK for your partner to just check in?

Mistress Blunt suggested trying these questions as you negotiate:

  • “What does aftercare—what people do to ease out of kink and into the regular world—look like for you?”
  • “Do you like to be checked in on after a scene?”
  • “What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel unsafe?
  • “What should we do if something goes wrong?”
  • “Is there anything I should know about your body or mind?”

Negotiation is just as much about talking through what you like and want to do, which is also really fun. Once you’ve got the above information in place, be sure to focus on pleasure for a while.

How do I reduce physical risks?

Before trying out a new kind of kink, you absolutely have to do your research about the risks involved and best safety practices. Look for both guides and medically sound information about physical risks—you might search online for terms like “how to safely spank someone” or “what are the risks associated with rope bondage?” Read as much as you can, and err on the side of credible medical and health information websites rather than forums or blogs.

If you’re doing a rope scene, learn to identify the signs of nerve damage (even if you are bottoming and don’t know how to tie). If you’re planning to do impact, learn how not to get hit where there are vital organs (avoid the lower back and protect your kidneys).

Before each and every scene, all parties involved should be able to check in with themselves about those risks to see if they are in the mental and/or physical place to engage. Even if some of us are bimbos who like to be degraded, bottoms aren’t just passive participants. Ebibex, a Baltimore-based rope and sharps bottom who’s using a pseudonym for this article, said, “This idea that bottoms are interchangeable bodies, who just ‘look pretty’ in rope, or unskilled recipients, is both harmful and insulting.” In good kink scenarios, bottoms will be as much in control of being safe during a scene as tops are.

You can also reduce harm by choosing not to use drugs or alcohol before and during a scene. This is ultimately up to you, but at least starting your kink journey sober is usually a good idea.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the time following a scene when people are returning to “normalcy.” Some people like physical closeness and snacks. Others might shower together or give each other massages. Some people might not want to spend time together at all. That’s all fine, as long as it’s discussed beforehand.

Aftercare doesn’t have to end directly after the scene. Many people like hearing from their partner a day or two after a scene. Ebibex, the  said she likes “talking to and debriefing with anyone I’ve played with—what we liked, what could be different.” This can also mitigate “drop,” which refers to negative feelings that can arise in the days following an encounter. Drop isn’t always preventable, and that’s OK! I receive incredible aftercare and sometimes still drop. In those times, I eat chocolate and watch feel-good movies. I also reach out to my top and let them know I’m feeling bad, and talking often helps.

Postgame communication can help people deal with consent violations or injuries, which can happen even among the most well-intentioned or experienced players. Part of harm reduction is to be prepared for these scenarios, and to know what to do after something has gone wrong. If you’ve gotten hurt or had your consent violated, what do you need or want from the other person? If you hurt someone or violated their consent, how will you show up and respect their wants and needs?

Even when a scene goes perfectly, it’s good to check in and to feel that your safety—and your pleasure—is valuable to your partner, and vice versa.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Spice Up Your Relationship with Beginner-Friendly BDSM Toys

By Essex Mag

Since the global phenomenon of the 50 Shades of Greyfranchise, BDSM practices have become somewhat mainstream. Once a taboo subject, you can now walk into any sex shop and find couples who want to explore BDSM by browsing through handcuffs and restraint kits or shopping around for the latest must-have ball gag. Not only is BDSM now mainstream, but the expert opinion also concludes that a healthy exploration of BDSM can contribute positively to our wellbeing – and the health of our relationship.

What are the benefits of BDSM?

BDSM has long been thought of as a taboo and scandalous practice, and it only took a Twilight fan fiction to turn this once frowned-upon kink into a celebrated part of mainstream culture. While 50 Shades of Grey might not be an accurate or redeeming picture of BDSM relationships, real BDSM enthusiasts enjoy a range of benefits and positive upshots to their kink:

Better communication

One benefit to exploring BDSM in your sex life is that you learn to communicate better – both inside and outside the bedroom. BDSM is about discipline and control, but also about respecting one another’s limits: when you are able to ask directly for what you want, set your limits, and enforce your boundaries, this creates a healthy framework for the relationship in general. Lack of communication is a relationship-killer, so developing this skill together will enhance your relationship and lessen potential conflict.

Deeper trust

Another relationship-killer is lack of trust between partners, and this is another key relationship milestone that BDSM couples tend to reach more easily than others. BDSM enables you to submit to (or take) control of your partner, and demonstrating this level of vulnerability to another person is not something tobe undertaken lightly. It demands a massive leap of faith for a person to allow themselves to be at the mercy of someone else, especially in a sexual context. If you can trust your partner to respect your boundaries, respect your safe word and also enjoy intimacy together at the same time, it’s natural that a deep and enduring trust will develop.

More satisfying sex lives

In a recent study, researchers found that couples who engaged in “BDSM behaviors” reported higher rates of sexual satisfaction, while those who had sexual fantasies which remained unexplored reported lower sexual and relationship satisfaction. Another study found that BDSM practitioners reported higher rates of relationship satisfaction and relationship security. It seems that BDSM practices help couples connect, communicate, and enjoy overall more fulfilling sex lives. So – how do you incorporate BDSM toys into the bedroom, especially if you’re a beginner?

Best Beginner BDSM Toys: Ball Gags, Handcuffs and More

The best way to start incorporating BDSM toys into your relationship is by using them to enhance what you already love. For example, if you love when your partner dominates you or takes control in the bedroom, why not incorporate a pair of handcuffs to truly enhance the feeling of submission? If you love it when your partner [consensually] puts a hand on your mouth during sex, why not try out a ball gag? This is the purpose of sex toys: to take what you love about sex and enhance it. Here are our picks for the best beginner-friendly BDSM toys:

Ball Gag

A ball gag is a great way to submit to your partner, or have your submissive partner entirely at your mercy. BDSM enthusiasts love the feeling of losing control, and what better way to surrender control than to surrender the ability to express yourself clearly? A ball gag takes submission and domination to a new level while remaining a beginner-level BDSM toy.

Handcuffs

If you love it when your partner holds your hands behind your back, or when you feel constrained physically, invest in a pair of handcuffs to enjoy together. If you don’t like the leather or metal look, you can buy a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs or even handcuffs made from luxe leather. Dominant partners will love the feeling of enjoying complete control, while submissive partners will enjoy losing theirs!

Thigh Sling

Using a thigh sling is a great way to enhance your sexual positions while simultaneously taking control of (or surrendering to) your partner. A thigh sling is a mix between bondage play and the more advanced BDSM sex slings and sex swings that the hardcore enthusiasts love. Enhance your positions and have better sex with a thigh sling – and if you love the experience, move on to a sex sling!

Temperature Play

If you’re not yet ready to spend money investing in a sex toy, you can always find things around the house to use to spice things up in the bedroom! Temperature play is hugely popular amongst BDSM enthusiasts: whether it means using ice cubeson warm naked skin or (safely) stimulating your partner with hot wax, incorporating temperature play can be exhilarating and a fun way to test your limits in an intimate setting.

Bondage

While it might seem intimidating for a novice, bondage play is pretty mainstream: a simple search for bondage on Amazon will return thousands of results, with thousands of reviews from everyday couples. Some beginner-friendly bondage includes bed/mattress restraints (tying a partner to the bed via their ankles and wrists) as well as spreader bars, which are a little more advanced, especially as it often means the “submissive” partner will remain standing for long periods of time. Consider bondage as simply a more advanced version of handcuffs, although restraints allow you to explore bondage more comfortably and according to your own needs. You can also pair a set of mattress restraints with a ball gag for heightened sensations of dominance and control!

How to Incorporate BDSM into the Bedroom: Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s:

● Be understanding of your partner’s limits

● Respect your partner’s boundaries

● Set your own clear boundaries

● Explain clearly what you like/dislike

● Let your partner share their fantasies without judgment

● Establish verbal and non-verbal safe words

● Respect all safewords

● Consult your partner before buying new BDSM toys

● Never try out a new BDSM fantasy without first consulting your partner

Don’ts:

● Feel pressured into sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with

● Push your partner beyond their limit

● Gossip with others about your partner’s fantasies – the trust foundation must be solid to engage in BDSM play

● Override the safe word, even in the name of being dominant

● Force your partner to try out fantasies that they’re uncomfortable with

Verdict?

Incorporating fun BDSM toys into the bedroom can be an exhilarating experience: whether you’re a submissive or more the dominant type, there are plenty of thrills to be had when it comes to power-play, and plenty of toys to choose from! Whether you try out ball gags or bondage play, BDSM can help your relationship evolve, stay exciting and remain spontaneous.

Complete Article HERE!

A Beginner’s Guide To Shibari

— The Beautiful Japanese Form Of Rope Bondage

By Stephanie Barnes

Ever fantasized about being tied up or tying your partner up in the bedroom? Over the years, BDSM—which covers bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism—has become increasingly popular. One popular form of bondage is shibari, also known as Japanese rope bondage.

What is shibari?

Shibari, which translates to “to tie,” is a type of kink or BDSM play that involves tying people with rope. Also called Japanese rope bondage, shibari is rooted in the adult entertainment and image-making industry of the early 20th century through to today, says Midori, sexologist and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage.

“Shibari originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia of bygone eras,” Midori explains to mbg. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated legends and tools of medieval European incarceration, such as Saint Andrew’s Cross and shackles, into their sexual shadow play, so have Japanese folks found carnal inspiration from historical fables of their captured maidens and incarcerated heroes.”

Over the past decade or so, shibari has also become very popular outside of Japan. Today it’s enjoyed by consenting adults in private, in addition to being a staple in stage performances in kink-themed bars and in porn, she says.

Common misperceptions.

As shibari has gained popularity outside of Japan, there’s also been a rise in inaccurate narratives being shared around shibari and its history, says Midori.

“[These narratives are often] very romantic and alluring, and often gorgeously storied, where shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte. Others claim that shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering,’ Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation,” she says.

Other misperceptions include the following:

Shibari is a spiritual act.

Despite popular belief, shibari isn’t a spiritual practice in Japan. Midori says it’s normal for some shibari lovers everywhere to “find moments of emotional catharsis” and “make it their own form of spiritual exploration,” but these things aren’t exclusive to shibari.

“It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission, just to name a few,” she explains. “Japanese Rope can be a naughty bit of sexual play or stillness of self in a chaotic world, and everything in between.”

Shibari must be complex and difficult.

While it can be complicated, it really doesn’t have to be. Midori says because the more fancy-looking and physically challenging photos posted online get so much attention, it’s easy to assume that’s the norm. It’s not. 

“You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties, such as one or two-column ties and maybe a simple body harness, is fine, good, and hot kink fun for most people. When it comes down to it, it’s about tying each other for shared fun and sensual delight. It shouldn’t be intimidating or irritating,” she says.

Shibari is all about sexual pleasure.

From the outside looking in, shibari may seem like it’s solely focused on sexual pleasure, but that’s not always the case. According to certified sex educator Dainis Graveris, different people have different motivations for engaging in this type of rope bondage. People often do feel aroused by the body awareness that they experience during and after shibari, he notes, but not every experience needs to include sexual stimulation. “However, you’ll still experience something intimate and feel closer to the other person because of the trust involved in the experience.”

Shibari is violent.

Graveris says pain can be an element of shibari, but it shouldn’t feel like torture, nor should it be unpleasant. “It’s meant to be enjoyed, not something that you suffer through,” he says. “Trust is another vital element during shibari play between you and your partner.”

To make sure you remain in control of the situation and that you won’t be in so much pain that the experience becomes unpleasant, make sure that you clarify your boundaries from the get-go. You can also come up with safe words and discuss nonverbal cues, like what it might look like if you’re doing OK or if you’re distressed.

Shibari is just like other forms of bondage.

Japanese rope bondage and other forms of bondage are different types of rope play. Besides the different rope materials being used in each, the motives and aesthetics are also very different, says Graveris.

“Western rope bondage entails more of a functional role or tying someone up for the purpose of restraining. On the other hand, shibari cares more about the aesthetics of tying someone up,” he explains. “The former uses tying as a foreplay practice where couples get to have sex right after. Meanwhile, each tie means something in shibari. One can say that the experience from shibari comes from the process of being tied or tying—what happens during play and not what comes after, i.e., sex.”

Benefits of shibari:

1. It promotes intimacy.

“The delicious secret about rope bondage and shibari fun that most people don’t talk about is that it requires close contact, lots of good skin sensation from light to deep, and ongoing sexy communication,” Midori says.

2. It’s easily and infinitely adaptive.

Like most things in life, there is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to shibari. The experience will be what you make it, and luckily, there are countless ways to tweak it to fit you and yours.

“It’s infinitely adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari—you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body that day,” Midori says.

3. It can be empowering.

“Negotiation, or the pre-play conversation required in shibari and other BDSM play, can empower everyone to set and respect good boundaries, develop excellent consent-making skills, engage in collaborative joy creation,” Midori says. “This, in turn, gives each of us more confidence, and a path toward greater authenticity in self-expression.”

4. It can give you a healthy rush of endorphins.

According to Graveris, when you decide to submit to the experience, your body will reward you with feel-good hormones like endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine. Once you’ve gotten the hang of the techniques, you can push your body’s limits until it rewards you with those benefits.

How to get started.

Even though there is plenty of information online, finding quality, reputable sources for information on shibari and related rope play can be quite challenging. If this is something you are truly interested in exploring, then consider connecting with your local BDSM community.

“Go to a class. Better yet, go to a lot of classes!” says Angie Rowntree, founder and director of ethical porn site SSSH. “Learning shibari and any kind of rope bondage takes commitment, time, and practice. Give yourself the opportunity to learn about it in person. There are also regional and national events that have a rope bondage component where you can go for a day, weekend, and sometimes longer to learn, practice and socialize with others that have similar interests to you.”

Sex educator Madeleine Ross adds that it’s vital to have an open discussion with your partner before trying shibari. “Be clear about what you expect from the experience and create a safe word that you can use with your partner if things get out of hand and either one of you wants to stop or pause,” she says. “If you don’t know your partner well in bed, it’s best to ask a few basic questions like what signals they normally give when they’re feeling good, how to tell if they’re having a good time, signs to look out for if they’re in pain or don’t feel comfortable, and others.”

Start with a few ties best suited to beginners, like the single- and double-column ties. Graveris recommends finding a comfortable and spacious place that you and your partner are familiar with.

“Do not jump straight into shibari suspension,” he adds. “Practice with floor ties to ensure that you apply the right methods and techniques before you’re up in the air.”

Tips & techniques to try:

1. Plan your aftercare.

“Preplan each of your aftercare needs. After shibari fun, whether the playtime went fantastic or not, people often need their own time to transition. Give plenty of time for aftercare. This period of the afterglow is necessary for converting a good time into a fantastic memory,” Midori says.

2. Start with a cotton rope.

Midori recommends starting with ropes made from cotton, which are “easy on the skin, hold knots well, easy to wash after messy sexy fun, budget-friendly, and are not likely to cause allergic reactions. Shibari does not require you to have exotic or expensive ropes made of hemp, jute, or other fibers. Many people are allergic to these as well.”

3. Start short, too.

Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustration for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied, Midori says.

4. Always have safety scissors on hand.

Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing. Sometimes knots simply get too tight or the person needs to get out fast.

5. Use sex positions for inspo.

Midori recommends starting with your most favorite sex position, then use the ropes to tie your partner into that shape. (Here’s some sex position inspo, if you need it.)

6. Go for this classic technique.

Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.

Additional resources to consider.

The bottom line.

Exploring shibari is an excellent way to bring you and your partner closer. It’s also a great way of better understanding your own body, which could ultimately leave you feeling empowered. However, it’s super important to do your research before diving in. 

Additionally, do not try to imitate the positions or poses you’ve seen in professionally shot adult films or on the social media accounts of popular shibari lovers without the appropriate training and safety precautions. And of course: Always keep your play safe and fully consensual.

Complete Article HERE!

Why Aftercare Isn’t Just Important In BDSM

The ritual is inculcated into those practicing BDSM, but for anyone else engaging in sexual relationships, it would do well to focus on aftercare, too.

By WH Staff

Many a rom-com has depicted that moment that immediately follows climax during sex. Audiences have laughed at the sight of partners rolling their sweaty body over, only to then reach for their phone and zone out as they begin another endless scroll on the Instagram feed. There are those who embrace for some time, and others who simply get up and stroll directly for the shower. It’s funny to watch because for most of us, we’ve been there: we’ve been with that person who wants nothing to do with us after sex, or alternatively had that partner who enjoys the post-sex cuddle as much as they do the main event. The fact remains, what happens after sex is just as important as it can leave many people feeling embarrassed or a sense of shame should such care be neglected.

It makes ‘aftercare’ a buzzword worth thinking about. In the world of BDSM, the practice of aftercare is something that is non-negotiable. It refers to a post-play ritual in which partners exchange physical or emotional comfort following an intense sexual experience. While it’s grounded in the assumption that such care is essential following kink play, it also is an important factor to consider in more vanilla sexual engagements, too.

Examples of aftercare include offering your partner a snack or something to drink, cuddling, giving them a compliment, having a good conversation, watching a movie, or even tending to any minor injuries that may have been sustained during BDSM play. It also offers a safe space to talk about what you might have enjoyed about the experience, as well as the things you might not have enjoyed. Ultimately, aftercare is dependent on the individuals at hand and varies depending on individual preferences.

As a way of nurturing your partner, it offers the chance to come down from the neurochemical high of BDSM, and avoid the low emotional state known as “drop” in kink circles. Given that BDSM is often more risky – physically and emotionally – and involves a higher level of vulnerability and trust, aftercare is seen as just an important part of it as establishing safe words. It offers protection and care, helping partners to ease back into normal consciousness, with grounded feelings of tenderness and affection.

With this in mind, aftercare is something we all can benefit from in casual sex. Regardless of what kind of sex you’re having, trust is imperative and good sex requires a level of vulnerability as we lower our inhibitions and seek to let go. It’s not uncommon then, for people to experience feelings of anxiety when it’s over, or simply feel a little down. As sexologist Gigi Engle explained in an interview with MindBodyGreen, “While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important.”

Engle added, “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.”

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How To Be Submissive In Bed If You’re New To BDSM

“Power play” is your new BFF.


By Emma Glassman-Hughes

It seems you could hardly crack a whip in the last decade without hitting a mainstream depiction of BDSM. Fifty Shades Of Grey eviscerated book sales and box office records; Rihanna’s ode to “chains and whips” peaked at number two on Billboard’s 2011 charts; Netflix’s Bonding gives dominatrixes a manic-pixie makeover. All that exposure to kink, power play, and BDSM (an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) may have you wanting to explore some elements of the practice yourself. Whether you want to try bondage, new props, role-playing, or being more dominant or submissive in bed, the numbers of BDSM-curious folks like yourself are steadily climbing.

Of the 2,000 adults surveyed in 2018 by sex toy brand EdenFantasys, one in four consider themselves kinky and are looking to explore new sex acts. Of that 25%, 14% said they wanted to incorporate dominance and submission into their partnered play — they just weren’t sure how to bring up the subject. Similarly, in 2021, dating app OkCupid tells Elite Daily they found a 17% increase in BDSM terms in women’s user profiles, and a 44% increase in similar terms in men’s user profiles. OkCupid also found an overall 14% increase in users who say they are “open to trying new things in bed” during the pandemic.

Psychotherapist Amanda Luterman, founder of the Center for Erotic Empathy in Montreal, says these numbers likely rose throughout the pandemic because forced isolation prompted many partners to rewrite their sexual scripts and deconstruct their pre-existing power dynamics.

Why Is Submission So Hot?

Submission is widely misunderstood and misrepresented, according to Luterman. “Submission doesn’t just mean being able to bend over, or get on your knees, or do all of these hot things that you see in porn, and have it be arousing,” she tells Elite Daily. Instead, she says, submission is sexy because of the narrative ascribed to it.

“You don’t have to fantasize about sweeping floors, but if your beautiful person comes over to you and says, ‘I want to watch you sweep this floor. Take your clothes off, I want to watch your body while you do this for me,’ you may find it really interesting to sweep that floor,” Luterman says. “It’s not the act, it’s the dynamic.”

Luterman makes the point that, in a pre-internet age, most people could just pick up a Playboy and be perfectly aroused. A static (albeit very hot) image was enough. But now, “people need a story to motivate their arousal more than ever.” Power play and BDSM, especially dominance and submission, offer people an avenue to engage their imaginations and act out their fantasies.

Subs Have The Power

Another misconception about submission is that it’s an expression of disrespect, Luterman says. Instead, she says, submission is based on “unconditional respect” and a “belief that your pleasure is of equal or greater importance to the partner you’re playing with.”

Jasmine Johnson, a Florida-based licensed clinical therapist and self-described “adult entertainer and sex educator committed to decolonizing sex,” puts it another way. “One of the most important things for a submissive to know is that they have all of the power in the dynamic,” she says. Even if your goal in practicing submission is to give up the power, your role as a sub is to recognize that you have power to begin with, and “it’s yours to give, to submit, and to relinquish to your partner. It’s a give and take.”

Dominance and submission look different for every partnership, but at its core, Luterman says “dominance is not domineering, it’s nurturance.” As a sub, your dom should be “a person who — no matter how they choose to pleasure you, or what props you use, or what story you’re going to use as a motivator for that erotic scene — is very aware of your wellbeing and is attuned to what it is that you’re after sexually and erotically.”

“To use the archetypal image of submission, it doesn’t have to be on your knees somewhere, or you looking up,” Luterman says. “The scene may actually look dominant; a woman who’s been afraid of getting on top all her life, maybe because she’s a bigger woman, may actually feel great pride in feeling nurtured into her pleasure, and moved by the person beneath her, who’s a really good dominant.”

Other misconceptions about BDSM abound: Subs don’t solely give pleasure while doms receive it; the pleasure-giving should be mutual, even if it looks imbalanced from the outside. Also, sub/dom relationships do not have to incorporate sadism or masochism — or include pain at all — unless all partners are aroused by it.

Subs Need Clear Boundaries


Despite popular depictions, sub/dom relationships don’t follow a formula; a sub needs to first determine for themselves how they want to submit — and what their boundaries are — before they can start practicing with a partner.

Luterman says the first step to incorporating submission into your relationship is to communicate your desire to play with power in your sex life. Tell your partner you want to see what it feels like to not be allowed to do things, or to not allow them to do things. If your partner is receptive, the next step is learning how to articulate the fantasy you have in your head. She suggests asking yourself what it is you want, how you want to be seen by your partner, and what you can take from past sexual experiences to fuel your next encounter.

Similarly, Johnson tells clients in the early stages of experimenting with submission to identify the power that they have and the power they’d like to relinquish.

“Is it your body? What parts of your body?” she asks. “Is it your mind? What aspects of your psyche do you want to offer to your partner? By creating that framework, it allows dominants and submissives to be safe, and the submissive is now prepared to do some work.”

Without putting in that work beforehand, Johnson says the sub/dom encounter will fail. “If I ask a submissive, ‘What are your boundaries?’ and they go, ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ or ‘do whatever you want,’ that’s a red flag for a dominant. You have to develop those boundaries. A dominant won’t create those for you.”

Johnson says by practicing submission without a clear idea of your own needs, you’re not only setting yourself up for a less fulfilling exchange, but you’re putting yourself in danger. “What we don’t want is for a submissive to go into a dynamic where they say ‘I don’t have any boundaries’ but they end up discovering those boundaries by crossing them,” she says. “Those boundaries get created for you out of bad things happening. So self-exploration is important.”

Before you take your sub/dom fantasy to a partner, Johnson recommends familiarizing yourself with your own boundaries and pleasure first — perhaps by way of something she calls “self-domination,” to get an idea of the things you might like.“If I’m doing a session with a client and they say they like to be spanked, I’ll go, ‘Where? How hard?’ And they’re like, ‘I don’t know, whatever you want,’” Johnson says. “So I say go ahead and slap yourself the way you like to be slapped.”

When you do eventually introduce the idea of power play to your partner, Luterman suggests that you take it slow. “Incorporate dress rehearsals where you can dialogue, for example, what parts of your body are absolute ‘no’s; what parts of your body are experimental, ‘let’s see how it goes’ regions; what parts are ‘yes, please,’” she says.

Submission Can Be Freeing

People fantasize about submission for any number of reasons. Luterman says many peopleare drawn to submission because it’s clinically effective in the treatment of anorgasmia. “A lot of girls in their early 20s don’t have partnered orgasms very easily,” Luterman says. “They don’t feel comfortable incorporating vibration yet, or they feel like they’re responsible for their partner’s ego during sex so it has to be all manual.” But, she says, asking a partner to dominate you a bit in the situation can make a massive difference.

“Say something like, ‘If you tell me I’m not allowed to, or restrain my hands a little bit while you give me clitoral stimulation, then I think I may feel less responsibility to make it happen for myself.’”

“If you incorporate a little bit of power play, you reduce the responsibility sense, you reduce the fear that a person has to perform as they feel they’re expected to,” she continues. “There’s going to be an essence of that encounter that’s going to help you get out of your comfort zone and leave you feeling less vulnerable afterwards.”

In this way, the most powerful sub/dom relationships can be transformative. “A good dom will say, ‘You’re going to do this for me. We’re going to take care of you,’” Luterman says. “I see a lot of bold moves come from healthy dominant/submissive relationships.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to take the BDSM test that’s going viral on TikTok

(and what it means)

It’s time we talked about this stuff.

By Tatyannah King

If you enjoyed taking the TikTok color personality test, wait ’til you learn about the test that guides you to explore your kinks and get a visual breakdown of all the things you might not even know you’d enjoy in bed.

TikTokers like @aw00ga66 and @brimcgreer are taking a resurfaced “online kink test” and sharing their results to the social media platform’s safe space for the BDSM community, commonly known as #kinktok. Related hashtags like #kinktestchallenge, #kinkchallenge, and #kinktestresults are getting more than half a million views combined.

A screengrab of a BDSM test with comments
TikTok users like @aw00ga66 are sparking conversation.
@brimcgreer laughs and hides their face in front of BDSM test results
@brimcgreer reacts to the test results.

Responding in the comments section of @brimcgreer’s video, people said things like, “I gotta retake that. I’ve changed since my last one”; “I have no 100% but I also have no 0% and I don’t know how to feel”; and “I got 100% switch” — which means someone who switches between submissive and dominant behaviors depending on the context.

While many TikTok users refer to the quiz as the “Kink Test,” it’s formally called the BDSM test, and it’s been around a lot longer than the latest viral TikTok trend. It was created in 2014 with the mission of making “a simple, accessible test to help beginning kinksters determine which labels are or aren’t suitable for them and to be a fun experience for everyone taking it, beginners and experts alike.”

The BDSM test has become established in the kink/fetlife community because it helps beginning kinksters find out which BDSM archetypes may or may not be their thing.

A mini-lesson on BDSM

You may have already gotten an idea of what BDSM is through its representations in pop culture like Fifty Shades of Grey and Rihanna’s S&M video, but here’s what it means in real life. BDSM is an umbrella term for sex acts that fall under the categories of Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. The acronym BDSM can be divided further into these categories:

  • Bondage: The act of restricting a partner’s freedom of movement with ropes, ties, handcuffs, or other restraints
  • Discipline: Agreed-upon rules and punishments for a dominant partner to exert control over a submissive partner
  • Dominance: The act of showing dominance over a physical partner, either during sex or outside of the bedroom
  • Submission: The act of showing submission to the dominant partner’s actions and wishes
  • Sadism: Refers to pleasure that a partner may feel from inflicting pain
  • Masochism: Refers to pleasure that a partner may feel from receiving pain

Though BDSM tends to be misunderstood and misinterpreted by the general population, it contains many common fantasies, like multi-partner sex and experimenting with power dynamics through role play. According to a 2016 survey of about 1000 people published in The Journal of Sex Research, nearly 47 percent of women and 60 percent of men have fantasized about dominating someone sexually.

So, how do you take the BDSM test?

First, visit bdsmtest.org. You can take the free BDSM test anonymously, or you can share your email and register an account with the website. Prior to taking the test, you’ll be prompted to answer general questions about your age, gender, and sexual orientation. You’ll have the option to select shorter or longer versions of the test, depending on your interest in BDSM. You’ll also be offered a way to filter out some questions that are aimed at either submissives and masochists or dominants and sadists, if you already know that’s not your thing. The demographic and basic information questions take about a minute to fill out. Then you’ll be ready to start the test, which takes about 15 minutes to complete.

See Also: A cult-favorite vibrator has a new companion, and she packs a punch

During the quiz, each question is formatted as a statement. You rate each statement — like “Feeling physically overpowered is one of the most liberating sexual feelings” or “I would like to have sex with multiple people at the same time” — on a 100% scale, ranking how much you agree with it, from “absolutely disagree” to “absolutely agree,” with the middle option being “neutral/no opinion.”

After answering the questions, you’ll get your results in the form of percentages that correspond to the 26 categories being ranked. For example, on the higher end, you may get 100 percent “voyeur” (someone who gets gratification by watching sexual acts) or 80 percent “switch.”

On the neutral end of the spectrum, you could get 50 percent “sadist” (someone who enjoys inflicting certain types of pain on others in a sexual context) or 43 percent “rope bunny” (someone who likes to be tied up and restrained using rope, chains, cuffs, spreader bars, etc).

Remember, the BDSM test is just for fun. Don’t get hung up on your results if they aren’t indicative of how you feel about your sex life in real life.

On the lower end of the spectrum, you may score 5 percent “brat” (someone who playfully pushes their dominant’s buttons by misbehaving in order to be “punished” by their dom) or 2 percent “degradee” (someone who like to be degraded and humiliated by their partner in the bedroom). If you’re unsure what certain terms mean, the BDSM test includes a page with definitions for each archetype here.

Remember, the BDSM test is just for fun. Don’t get hung up on your results if they aren’t indicative of how you feel about your sex life in real life. Though the test is often referred to as the kinky version of the Myers-Briggs personality test, neither test is scientific or definitive. Some people may find that their results represent them exactly; others may wonder how in the world they got the scores that they did. And some people may get a high score in a category they’ve never heard of and then take it upon themselves to explore it. Even then, it still might not be something they enjoy in the bedroom.

The BDSM test is a starting point for more conversations — and that’s a good thing

Due to the lack of comprehensive sex education in America’s education system and general stigma regarding human sexuality, our society isn’t the most sexually literate. But the fact that BDSM is being discussed on TikTok to the point where the #kinktok hashtag has gained 7.2 billion views — not to mention the numerous videos including both informative and silly kink-themed content — says a lot about shifting generational perspectives toward sex. People have tons of questions and curiosities about how their bodies receive pleasure, and for many, Tiktok has become the digital space to delve into sexual self-discovery and sex positivity.

The writer's test results from the BDSM test showing she's 100 percent Masochist and 100 percent Brat.
The author’s BDSM test results.

Unfortunately, Tiktok isn’t perfect. Due to its community guidelines, a lot has been censored when it comes to sex education of any kind, and the same can be said for social media platforms like Tumblr, Instagram, and Facebook. If Tiktok’s algorithm senses that a topic is “inappropriate” (a category many sex ed videos fall into, despite most of them being educational or comedic rather than explicit), that specific content may get restricted on the app and will get lower views, fewer likes, fewer shares, and less engagement overall.

In order to prevent a video from getting banned on the app, some TikTokers have resorted to spelling words like “porn” and “sex” incorrectly and avoiding relevant hashtags like #sex, #sexed, or #sexualhealth. Because “adult nudity and sexual activity” goes against TikTok’s guidelines, that puts kinky content at risk of getting banned as well.

There’s a ways to go until we have a truly sex positive society, but it’s reassuring to see younger millennials and Gen Z proudly pushing back and continuing to revolutionize the way our society discusses sex. They’re tired of feeling like they can’t talk about topics that are integral to the human experience, so they’re creating safe spaces to openly discuss sexual topics. In doing so, they’re not only acquiring more knowledge about their own pleasure but also helping to de-stigmatize topics in human sexuality that many still view as taboo — one BDSM test at a time.

Complete Article HERE!

Kinks and fetishes you need to know about, from A to Z

Because pleasure = self-care.

By

An A to Z of kinks and fetishes probably isn’t something you knew you needed, but it’s time to up your sex-ed game because let’s be honest, sex – whether solo or with a partner – and self-care go hand-in-hand. Pleasure is wellness, people. And there could be a whole realm of untapped pleasure here you never knew existed.

So, we’ve compiled a list of 26 kinks from A to Z, from bondage to role play. Please remember that kinks are supposed to be fun, and if at any point they stop being fun – you can stop at ANY time.

A is for Age Play

Many people get turned on when roleplaying, and even more so when they’re acting younger or older than they are. This kink could start off by calling your partner ‘daddy’ in bed, or maybe you’re getting called ‘baby’ – but it doesn’t stop there. The daddy/baby name-calling is just an example of light age play, but if the switch is flipped and all of a sudden one of you is acting like a baby, sucking on a dummy and crawling around in a nappy, then it’s safe to say that you’ve crossed to the extreme side of age play.

B is for Bondage

Some people get off when they’re restrained – whether that be in handcuffs or with ropes. Bondage falls under the BDSM umbrella term that means ‘bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism’. Some people enjoy being dominant (i.e. tying other people up) and some enjoy the more submissive side (i.e. being tied up). 

Bondage is the most well-known kink (thanks Fifty Shades of Grey) and uses sex toys like handcuffs, paddles, whips, shackle mounts, candle wax, chains, ropes and suspension bars.

Expensive toys aren’t always needed, and trading handcuffs for a tie can be a good alternative.

C is for Cuckolding

Cuckolding is usually when a heterosexual couple agree for the woman to sleep with another man/men. Her partner doesn’t need to be in the room – he just needs to get turned on by the thought of his partner having sex with somebody else. But, some men do like being in the room while watching their partner sleeping with another man. Although its traditionally considered to be a heterosexual kink, people of all genders and sexual orientations can partake.

D is for Dogging

Dogging is a British slang term for having sex in public, or watching others do so. It’s become an increasingly popular kink, and is similar to voyeurism and exhibitionism.

Usually two sets of people are involved (sometimes more) and they set up a meet or meet randomly, before watching the other couple have sex and vice versa. This kink doesn’t come without risks though, because in Great Britain, dogging comes under laws related to voyeurism, exhibitionism, or public displays of sexual behaviour. Prosecution is possible for a number of offences, and this means that public places in some areas of the UK sit in a grey area, legally speaking.

E is for Electrostimulation

Some people get turned on by getting electrocuted, and this kink is called electrostimulation. This involves using small electric shocks in the bedroom (or wherever you’re having sex with your partner). Getting electrocuted can be dangerous, which is why most people who partake in this kink are into another type called ‘edge play’.

F is for Foot Fetishism

You’ve definitely heard of this one. Foot fetishes are one of the most common fetishes out there, just take Jake from Love Island 2021 and his very public foot fetish.

A foot fetish is when somebody gets turned on by, yep you guessed it, other people’s feet. They will most likely want to touch them, hold them, lick them, kiss them, and sometimes they might even want to suck that person’s toes. People with foot fetishes also engage in foot worship, which leads into another kink – humiliation. Sometimes the fetishist might want their partner’s feet in their mouth, they might want to be trodden on, kicked or walked on.

G is for Gagging

Some people like be gagged and choked while having sex, and this kink has recently seen a huge surge in popularity. Gagging can refer to lightly choking on an object (like a penis) or being choked slightly by the hand of your partner.

Another form of gagging is using a ball gag to gag somebody so they can no longer speak. This will either seem like your worst nightmare or your hottest sexual fantasy. Remember that if any form of gagging becomes uncomfortable at any stage – stop immediately. Having a safe word or signal is recommended, so that your partner knows if you’re withdrawing consent.

H is for Humiliation

This isn’t everybody’s cup of tea, but some people do get a kick out of being humiliated (or doing the humiliation). If you like being called names like ‘bitch’, ‘slut’, or ‘whore’ in bed, then you probably have a kink for being humiliated. But if you like doing the name-calling, then you probably have more a dominant side and enjoy humiliating others.

I is for Impact Play

Considered a form of BDSM, impact play is generally where one person is struck by their sexual partner for the pleasure of one or both parties. Some people enjoy being whipped with a ‘stingy’ whip, while others might prefer a ‘thud’ from a paddle.

J is for JOE / JOI

A popular kink without many even realising it, Jerk Off Encouragement or Jerk Off Instruction, is when you’re instructed to masturbate for your sexual partner. Some people might enjoy instructing another party to masturbate for them, while others might enjoy being told what to do. Either way, it’s an exciting way to spice things up in the bedroom.

K is for Klismaphilia

In Greek, Klismaphilia means “arousal by enemas.” If you’re unsure what an enema is, it’s similar to a colonic irrigation. Basically, an enema is when you get warm water squirted into your bum.

Enemas are most commonly carried out by hospitals prior to medical procedures, but some people get turned on by having an enema (or giving one to somebody else). Most people will use enemas as a way to prepare the anus for anal sex, so it’s handy that you enjoy it if you like anal.

L is for Lactophilia

More common in heterosexual couplings, Lactophilia refers to when a male gets turned on by seeing a woman lactate – commonly known as producing breast milk. Lactophiliacs enjoy seeing women produce breast milk, as well as sucking on breasts and having sex with women who are producing milk.

M is for Medical fetish

Some people get turned on by doctors, nurses, dentists and pretty much anybody else in the medical profession. People with this kind of fetish might enjoy seeing their partner dressed up in a white coat, or they might enjoy medical role play. 

N is for Nylons

Also known as pantyhose addiction, those who love ladies (or men) wearing nylons tend to get sexual stimulation, gratification and arousal from their partners wearing tights. They might also love the process of putting them on, or taking them off. It is thought that those with nylon kinks prefer tights over stockings, because tights have direct contact with genitals.

This kink directly related to another very similar fetish – used underwear. Thanks to the internet, it’s now easier than ever to buy used under garments like tights, stockings, socks, knickers and bras. Sellers tend to sell the garment for a price that is decided on by the amount of times it has been worn.

O is for Orgasm Denial

Another kink that lives under the umbrella of BDSM, orgasm denial is where one partner brings the other right to the brink of orgasm and then stops – also known as edging, peaking, or surfing.

This sexual technique is when your orgasm is controlled by your sexual partner or yourself. This kink is both harsh and extremely rewarding because you’re getting built up and brought down, something that can continue for quite some time, before then being allowed to orgasm. Many women (and men) report that this is the ultimate way to reach an orgasm because it becomes more intense than ever before. It’s the perfect blend of being punished before getting given a reward. 

P is for Penis Humiliation

This kink involves insulting a man’s penis. Usually the man will enjoy having the size, appearance and performance of his penis mocked and laughed at. This is another kink that falls under the BDSM umbrella term.

Q is for Queening

Queening is when a woman sits on her partner’s face for oral sex involving both your genitals and anus. The woman will position herself in a straddling position, while her partner (either male or female) will pleasure her orally. Some people have extreme queening kinks, meaning they prefer this kind of sex over the traditional kind.

R is for Role-play

Role-play is a very common sexual kink. It basically refers to when when people act out roles or storylines in order to turn each other on. It can crossover into many other kinks like medical fetishes or age-play, and can be a brilliant way of injecting some spice into your sex life. Role-playing can come with costumes and props, or can be as simple as sexting, dirty talk, or thinking out an elaborate story to draw out the sexual act.

S is for Sensory deprivation

Sensory deprivation is when one sexual partner removes stimulation and/or senses from the other. This means that the other sensations become more powerful, intense and extreme. An example of this would be a person wearing blindfold and earplugs, while concentrating on the what they can feel e.g. touch.

T is for Taphephilia

This kink is very obscure and incredibly risky. Some people get aroused by being buried alive. Similar to claustrophilia, arousal from confined spaces, this kink is best undertaken on a fantasy basis and with a sexual partner you trust. The real thing is super dangerous and not recommended.

U is for Urophilia

More commonly known as golden showers, urophilia is when you urinate on somebody. This can be done on their face, on their body, in their mouth, in their vagina or on any other sexual organs. It’s usually done as part of domination or humiliation, so is another kink that falls within the realms of BDSM.

V is for Vincilagnia

This term refers to being sexually aroused by bondage, and more specifically being tied up or tying your sexual partner up. Remember that all parties involved must give ongoing consent, as with any of the kinks listed in this A–Z.

W is for WAM

Wet and messy fetish (WAM), also known sploshing, is a sexual fetish that involves people becoming sexually aroused by wet and messy substances being applied to naked skin – whether it be their own, or their sexual partner’s. Some people like to be covered in wet, messy or sticky substances, while some people enjoy watching others get drenched. WAM can included getting pelted with cream pies (or shaving foam), slime, cakes, food, custard or other liquids.

X is for Wax play

Okay, it doesn’t technically start with an ‘X’ but we had to include it! Some people enjoy hot wax being poured over their bodies as a part of temperature play. Luckily, general candle wax doesn’t need to be used (and isn’t advised either) because purpose-made candles have been created, specifically for wax play. There are candles that exist to burn at a specific temperature to ensure you won’t get burnt (or burn your partner). Not only does the temperature play feel great, but as the candle burns, the wax turns into massage oil.

Y is for Yiffing

Yiffing is when people dress up in furry costumes to grope, fondle and hump each other. Usually no sex act is undertaken, and most of the time yiffing is done in a group setting. 

Z is for Zelophilia

Cuckolding often coincides with an element of zelophilia, which is arousal and pleasure from jealousy – whether it be your own jealousy towards a lover, or their jealousy of you.

Complete Article HERE!

Can we heal our pandemic trauma with kink?

Hard yes. Here’s why.

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

“I use kink as my hope for the future,” says Jade Sky, a 25-year-old living in New York. Between a cross-country move, changing jobs, and tenuous survival, the pandemic hit Sky hard — and kept hitting — as the exhaustion of isolation dragged on. A self-described “passionate sadist and curious masochist,” Sky turned inward during the pandemic and took what they call a Sadist’s Sabbatical of deep study, solo BDSM workshopping, and kinky research. For Sky, kink became on anchor in a time of deep uncertainty.

In her new docu-series, sex educator and erotic film director Madison Young puts Sky’s personal theory to the test: Can kink really heal our pandemic trauma?

The resounding answer? Absolutely.

Young released her new docu-series, Submission Possible in June of 2020. The pilot, shot nine months prior, aired just as the pandemic started in the U.S., halting production for the rest of the season. After consulting with COVID compliance officers, changing travel plans to stick to the West Coast, cutting back to a three-person skeleton crew and getting vaccinated in April 2021, Young felt safe enough to resume Submission Possible. Amid extra precautions, “there was just this extra tender desire to share our stories and connect after all the isolation we were coming out of,” Young says.

There’s a marked difference in the show’s tone after the pandemic sets in. Young, wearing a vulva-patterned COVID face mask, talks to passers-by on the streets of Seattle. Watching people open up about deeply personal, intimate subjects like safety and sex, while still masked, is a bit of a mindfuck. It feels normal to not see people’s faces anymore.

Submission Possible doesn’t shy away from challenging subjects — the pandemic is front and center, and so is systemic racism, social unrest, and hierarchy internal to queer and sex positive communities. For Sky, Submission Impossible is so exciting because of its complexity — and refusal to play into the toxic BDSM stereotypes they see in shows like Netflix’s Bonding. “I am so excited to see a show like this coming out. I’ve been looking for something that covers lots of ground, brings in voices that deserve to be heard, and really represents kinks and the people that practice them.”

As the show evolved, Young realized that the complex, messy stories she was exploring were offering more than just a pulse on the landscape of sex positivity. These stories could be used more widely to heal pandemic trauma. Kink itself is a sort of travel, an uneven roadmap full of not just precautions, ethics, and responsibility, but also joy and care.

Kink is a term that describes a variety of erotic practices, the most common of which fall under the BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism) umbrella. Kink, like queerness, is often resistant to any one, stable definition. But at its core, kink is consensual, erotic behavior that engages power in some way.

Kink, as a practice, has deep ties to LGBTQ+ communities, and like homosexuality, was pathologized as “sexual deviancy” in the DSM (the primary clinical manual of mental illness diagnoses). But kink’s capacity for healing has long been noted by not just community members and practitioners, but also by scholars and researchers. One 2013 study found that BDSM practitioners “were less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, [and] had higher subjective well-being” than the control group. Other practitioners use kink to process self harm, abuse, or sexual assault. Unlike traumatizing experiences where people aren’t able to control what happens to their bodies and mind, kink is all about creating a space where choice matters.

According to The Gender and Sexuality Therapy Center, the process of creating and experiencing consensual scenes and care allows the body to rewire the brain’s response to certain stimuli. Basically, this means that kink builds new, positive experiences “to heal and, in a sense, “overwrite” past traumatic ones.” This reclamation of both body and power can be an important opportunity for self-actualization and transformation.

Young identifies three key aspects of kink that can help people deal with pandemic trauma: negotiation, a forthcoming attitude about health status, and a sense of play. Negotiation is about identifying what is nourishing for your own body and communicating that to others, while holding that same space and regard for your potential play partners. It’s essentially an in-depth check in and a space to ask questions of yourself and others. Negotiation is also a part of informed consent, and pre-pandemic, it was used mostly to identify safe words, agree on safer sex practices, express hard boundaries, likes, and dislikes, and find mutually satisfying aftercare strategies.

An essential aspect of negotiation, Young says, is noting how the body reacts and feels to different hypothetical scenarios. Do you feel comfortable going to a play party where there will be 50 people inside? Do you feel comfortable renting a private dungeon with a partner? Do you feel comfortable attending an outdoor socially distanced porn screening where folks are masked and required to show their vax cards?

“With each of these we check in with ourselves and see in our bodies how each of these scenarios feel, and acquire the information and data we need to analyze our risk and make a decision,” says Young.

Likewise, the practice of sharing one’s status refers to the communal norm in kink spaces to disclose STI status and sometimes disability status in the interest of the safest sex possible. Kinksters are in general more used to not only asking tender questions, but also getting regular STI (and now Covid) tests. Of course, getting tested for COVID is scary — but realizing other communities have found ways to deal with, and manage, risks can be reassuring in uncertain times.

Unlike traumatizing experiences where people aren’t able to control what happens to their bodies and mind, kink is all about creating a space where choice matters.

Finally, Young talks about the art of play, “Whether it is a puppy or Mistress, Nurse, librarian, pony, or leather Daddy — stepping into a role and surrendering to a sense of play can be liberating, joyful and absolutely healing.” Play is something humans are born doing. Children emphasize play and learn to socialize through games and play-acting. Along the way— often somewhere between puberty and adulthood—the demands of capitalism get in the way and we stop playing. Kink is a chance for people like Sky to find joy again. “Kink encourages me to keep learning and hoping even when it feels like hope isn’t in easy supply,” says Sky. It was in that “erotic hope” that Sky found the “wonderful medicine” for their own healing.

Young’s strategies aren’t about sex, but about flexibility, risk management, and compassion. It’s not a coincidence that negotiation, disclosure, and play are easily adapted to pandemic times — these three strategies were developed by kink communities to protect one another and to extend basic compassion and respect to others. That’s exactly why shows like Submission Possible don’t just matter when we need individual healing — they also matter when we need to find a new normal together.

Complete Article HERE!