I’m a dominatrix who loves to take control in the bedroom.

— BDSM helped me heal my sexual trauma and made me more confident.

Elizabeth Ayoola is a domme.

By Elizabeth Ayoola

  • After years of vanilla sex, I decided to explore BDSM and become a dominatrix.
  • BDSM helped me take back control in the bedroom and reinforce consent.
  • Being a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and became an act of self-care.

Post-divorce, I wanted to hit the reset button on everything, including my sex life. At 31, I realized I hadn’t yet experienced the type of sex worthy of being included in the pages of my future memoir.

After much introspection, I discovered that sexual shame and misogyny were in the way of my tapping into my sexual prowess. Foresight didn’t tell me that using whips, wax, and ropes and becoming a domme would kick-start my journey to sexual liberation and healing.

My life before BDSM was anything but kinky

When I reflect on my 20s, I have flashbacks to lots of passive sex. I was a missionary princess, and once in a blue moon I’d drive the boat. Many times I wasn’t an active participant. I did just enough to satisfy my partner but wasn’t confident enough to ask for what I needed or to surrender to my sexual urges.

I realized two things contributed to this. One was my internalized misogyny and beliefs about how women should present themselves sexually. The second was my sexual trauma.

Most of my sexual partners were misogynistic men who saw any sign of sexual liberation as promiscuity. As a 20-something, I so desperately wanted to be “wifey” material, so the fear of being judged kept me from coloring outside the lines. Growing up staunchly Christian and in a household that wasn’t sex-positive cemented my beliefs that sex had to be done in conventional ways and that sexual pleasure primarily belonged to men.

Additionally, having been sexually abused and having traumatic sexual experiences made me feel sexual shame and made it difficult to advocate for myself during sex.

Curiosity and a desire for healing led me to explore BDSM

During my quest to rebuild my life and reinvent myself, I became more curious about exploring what was holding me back sexually. That curiosity and perhaps fate made me type “sexual trauma and BDSM” into Google. Lo and behold, a study popped up that identified a nexus between the two. An article in the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy suggested that people who experienced sexual and childhood abuse could use kink to help them heal and cope. Though I’d once thought BDSM was only for sadists, the study opened me up to the idea.

A few months later, an opportunity arose for me to enter the world of BDSM. It all started when a mystery man with no picture on a dating app messaged me, writing, “You look like a goddess.” My mind traveled back to the study I’d read a few months earlier and to my desire to explore BDSM. This seemed like a divine opportunity to act on my curiosity.

I had a hunch that being a domme could help me be more confident, assertive, and comfortable when asking for what I needed. So I decided that he was right and that I would become a goddess.

Becoming a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and reclaim my power

The transition from having submissive vanilla sex to becoming a dominant goddess who was in charge in the bedroom was fascinating. Being a domme is about psychologically and/or physically dominating your partner during BDSM activities. Also known as a dominatrix, a domme like to be in charge — that’s when I feel most powerful. It’s also important to note that a domme can dominate both inside and outside the bedroom.

For the first time in my life, I felt powerful. I had the right to say yes to what I wanted and no to what didn’t feel safe and pleasurable.

“In BDSM, it’s an exchange of power play that involves trust between the person who’s considered to be the submissive and the person who’s considered to be the dominant partner,” Shamyra Howard, a sexologist who specializes in BDSM and nontraditional relationships, told Insider. “During this exchange of trust and power play, something powerful happens with a person who has been sexually abused in that they feel in control.”

The consent element — a key component of BDSM — was healing for me, too. My partner’s giving me consent to dominate him and my having him ask for consent to engage with me made me feel safe. I felt safe enough to be present sexually and finally felt like my body belonged to me.

Something about controlling my partner’s orgasms, having my pleasure prioritized, telling my partner what to wear, and being called a goddess was healing and transformative. A few months in, I watched myself go from a performative domme fumbling around with a whip to a natural, confident domme.

Being a domme has made me more confident and assertive in all areas of my life

Participating in BDSM and becoming a domme has been instrumental in teaching me how to say no and be more assertive.

For instance, I had to get better at telling my partner to kiss my feet and telling him how versus asking him. This practice has made it progressively easier for me to be direct and ask for what I need at work and in other relationships in my life.

Setting boundaries is another thing I’ve gotten better at since becoming a domme. I’ve always been afraid to say “no,” “stop,” or “I don’t like that.” But before engaging in any type of BDSM, it’s important to discuss boundaries on both sides and reinforce them during a session when necessary.

Howard says BDSM, where the rules center on boundaries, can help people who struggle with boundaries outside the bedroom see that they’re “necessary to ensure their safety in other areas of life.”

My journey to BDSM has been exciting, awkward, fulfilling, and full of learning curves. I’ve been able to create a safe space for myself sexually within the confines of direct orders, self-orchestrated sex scenes, and hard nos.

For the first time in my life, I can enjoy pleasure on my terms, free of self-judgment and shame. I can confidently say that giving myself permission to explore BDSM and accept my true, dominant self has been one of the highest and most liberating forms of self-love.

Complete Article HERE!

A beginner’s guide to understanding Dom/sub dynamics

— Want to try kink but don’t know where to start?

By Gigi Engle

If you’ve been wanting to try kink but aren’t sure where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

There are hundreds (probably thousands) of guides out there to kink, but they often don’t focus on the building blocks of healthy kink relationships.

We need to walk before we can run, you know?

Enter the foundational layer of kink: The Dom/sub dynamic, or D/s. “Dominance and submission is the general container for almost all kinks,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new window), a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

Understanding what the Dom/sub dynamic is, how it functions, and how to negotiate around it in your own relationship(s) is key to creating the kinky sex life of your dreams. It is the base layer. It is the fundamental configuration of role play.

Once you have a solid grasp on D/s, the rest — the whips, chains, blindfolds, sitting in Jell-O, using fake blood, etc. —can be built on top. We’re not here to yuck anyone else’s yum when it comes to your kinks, but we do want you to be confident in how to act on them.

Here’s everything you need to know.

What the Dom/sub dynamic actually is.

While Dom/sub dynamics are primarily found in kink, they actually play out in most forms of sex. One person is usually the more submissive partner, while the other is more dominant. But within the context of BDSM, these dynamics become even more explicit. BDSM stands for bondage, Dominance/Dominant, submissive/submission, and sadomasochism. This is when two or more people engage in consensual power exchange. The sub willingly hands over the power within the scene to the Dominant.

The key word here is “consent.”

“BDSM provides a framework for individuals to engage in [this] consensual power exchange,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali(Opens in a new window), a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast.

The key word here is “consent.” Kink is all about giving and taking power in an empowered way. “Since consent is the cornerstone of these practices, it provides an opportunity to ensure [that] the person surrendering control and the person in charge stay within the sexual boundaries they’ve set,” Moali adds.

How D/s can play out in BDSM scenes.

D/s dynamics will play out in every kinky scenario, because it is the core of the practice. But how it shows up is another story. This is one of the things that makes kink so appealing. You can completely customize an experience to cater to your specific interests.

Some examples of Dom/sub relationships:

  • A classic D/s bondage scene: The Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This usually entails punishment, sensory play, etc. Think: 50 Shades of Gray, but not shit.
  • A caretaking scene: The Dom “takes care” of the sub. The sub is called a Little in this dynamic.
  • A Dom/brat scene: The sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” the Dom in order to receive punishments.
  • A Master/pet: The Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

Chiaramonte explains that the paddles, crops, and ropes are about deepening the bond between the Dom and their sub. “A Dom may consensually practice bondage with their submissive to deepen their power practice,” she explains. “Bondage in this scenario can be used as a punishment, a reward, or a sensory experience to show who’s boss in a safe way.”

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

But nurturing a Dom/sub dynamics is not entirely relegated to the sphere of pain play. Kink can involve sensory play, elaborate pain-free role play, and much more. These scenes are made by the two or more people playing them out. It is a unique and fully bespoke experience.

Negotiating boundaries within a Dom/sub dynamic.

The sub is not under the Dominant’s coercive control. They are an equal member in the power exchange. That means that BDSM and kink and are all about negotiation. “The discussion you have before play is the place to express boundaries you both have, your expectations, and to set the stage for consent,” Chiaramonte says. “This helps create healthy boundaries before entering a dynamic.”

Moali says that while you should be “sure you have a ‘safe word’ that you may use during the scene to immediately halt any actions, it is [also] important to have periodic conversations about your boundaries.” When you’re new to BDSM, you may not be entirely sure of every boundary you have. Feeling like you’re safe to explore edges with the ability to say “no” when something isn’t right is key.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first. While all boundaries and scenes are negotiated, the Dom takes on a lot of responsibility within this dynamic. They are responsible for the sub’s safety — both mentally and physically. If you’re taking on a Dom role, you need to be extra-aware of the care you need to take to ensure the sub’s boundaries are respected. As a Dom, you have been given the reins to control the scene. And this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first, Chiaramonte says. “If someone asks to play before setting any sort of negotiation and boundaries, [that’s a] red flag,” she explains.

This does not mean that the sub does not have power. Everything is highly negotiated and supplemented by the use of a safe word. A safe word is a non-sexual agreed upon word or phrase that indicates the sub has reached their limit. Once a safe word is invoked, the play stops – either entirely or for a break.

The importance of aftercare post-kink play.

BDSM and kink scenes come with the need for a great deal of concentration, a lot of emotional intensity, and physical requirements (such as dealing with pain, tying knots, etc.). “When we get deep into sub-space or dom-space, we experience a high nearly identical to that of drugs: We’re stimulated, [have] heightened emotions, and can feel in another dimension,” Chiaramonte tells us.

Subspace has been described as similar to a deep meditative state — which research shows(Opens in a new window) can feel incredibly therapeutic and has lots of psychological benefits. But because this meditative state in kink can be highly emotive, we need to take post-play into consideration. You need to take some time to “come down” from the scene.

This is where aftercare comes in.

Aftercare is when the Dom and sub have some connection time. This can look like cuddling, bringing the sub a glass of water, talking through the scene, and much more. As with boundary negotiation, you’ll need to take time to figure out what kind of aftercare you and your partner(s) need.

Aftercare is crucial when doing BDSM because it allows us to return to a state of equilibrium and calm after particularly intense scenes. “Engaging in aftercare fosters a sense of trust as well as providing a sense of connection,” Moali says.

Aftercare isn’t always just the Dom taking care of the sub. Sometimes the Dom has big post-scene emotions as well. We all need care after emotionally complex experiences; having empathy for that can make your kink experiences so much better.

Learning new dynamics is rewarding.

The D/s dynamics in kink (and all sex) can be incredibly rewarding and offer an enriching way to view your sexuality and sexual experiences. Taking time to fully grasp the complexity and nuance associated with the roles we play in sex offers us greater insight into who we are as humans.

Complete Article HERE!

Closing the curtain

— The importance of aftercare post-sex

By Lily Thomas

Like a play, sex has a beginning, a middle and an end. The end of sex is called aftercare, and it involves sexual partners checking in and supporting each other’s needs.

Though aftercare originated in the BDSM and kink community, it can be a part of all sexual experiences.

Rachel Zar, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, said sex is not a complete experience unless there is aftercare involved.

“Because the physical intimacy of sex is just as important as the emotional intimacy of sex, aftercare helps us to deal with any emotions that come up, to counter any sexual shame that there may be, to ground ourselves if we’re feeling any post-coital dysphoria (PCD), and to increase our feeling of connection with our partner.”

During sex, several hormones, such as dopamine, are heightened. When the sexual experience ends, however, Zar said oftentimes people experience a crash, which can manifest into PCD.

PCD causes negative emotions like sadness and anxiety after a consensual sexual experience. According to a study by the National Center for Biotechnology, 46% of respondents experienced PCD symptoms at least once.

“If you just had sex with this person and immediately after sex ends, they just roll over and start to do something else, it’s almost like they’re abandoning the moment, like they’re not really present with you,” Zar said. “They’re not helping you transition and you’re not helping them transition from this playful space back into reality, and that’s what’s really important.”

Zar said aftercare can be a variety of things, including: cuddling, kissing, having a snack, rehydrating, watching a movie together, showering, taking care of any injuries, or even having a simple conversation.

First-year Jamie Davis, whose major is undecided, believes there is a lot of shame surrounding the topic, which leads to miscommunications between sexual partners.

“I think we need to change the way we socially talk about sex,” Davis said. “Even though we’ve tried to come very far, I feel there’s [still] discomfort about it. I think that everyone would benefit from just being more honest and more open about things.”

To practice aftercare, Zar recommends self-advocating for the type of aftercare you want. If you do not feel comfortable asking someone for aftercare, Zar recommends considering if that is a safe person for you to be vulnerable with.

For Davis, sex has been like a “double-edged sword” because of a combination of negative and positive experiences. Though they have only experienced true aftercare once, they enjoy talking about the experience after. Going forward, they will try to discuss their wants and needs before sexual experiences.

“I’m trying to be more honest about these experiences,” Davis said. “I hope that maybe I’ll meet somebody and they’re like ‘yeah that happened to me too.’ I think there’s some kind of comfort in talking about it with people, and anyone who actually matters will be understanding.”

Freshman creative writing major Cassius Green believes that anyone who engages in sex should also be engaging in aftercare, whether you are in a relationship or not.

“A lot of people think that aftercare is only something for people that are in love or in relationships, and I think that’s also not true,” Green said. “It doesn’t always have to be holding each other and talking about how much you love each other. Aftercare can be more casual and it can also be sexy.”

His favorite form of aftercare involves cleaning up and getting dressed before making tea and toast to replenish themselves.

“It’s not also just about one person taking care of the other,” Green said. “It’s for both people to just experience connection and express appreciation for one another after you engage in sex, which is a very intimate thing.”

Complete Article HERE!

Don’t Call Me by My Real Name

— As a sex worker, I had to set boundaries with clients that I sometimes couldn’t abide by myself.

By Chris Belcher

Clients love to ask sex workers, “What’s your real name?” It’s a power move. “I know you contain multitudes” is what they mean, “and I have the right to see.” They paid, after all.

The clients who asked this question of me were usually the type who had tricked themselves into believing that we had a personal relationship — a romantic one, or a sexual one they wouldn’t have to pay for had we met under different circumstances.

When clients pried, I liked turning the question back on them.

“John is my real name!” he might say, laughing at the idea that he, unlike me, would have anything to hide.

“John is my real name too,” I might say with a wink.

For the better part of a decade, I was Mistress Natalie, a professional dominatrix. A teasing sense of humor was an asset on the job.

I didn’t always act coy in that situation. Occasionally a client would ask for my real name, and I would answer honestly, telling them that my friends call me Chris. It was a powerless move. “I contain multitudes” is what I meant, “and don’t want you to think this is all I am.”

I told myself that these clients were different — young, like me, or graduate students, like me, or queer women, like me. I needed to believe they could see the me beneath the corsets, fake eyelashes and thigh-high boots.

This was always a bad reason to tell a client my real name. There was rarely a good reason. A fake name is a boundary, and some clients have no problem pushing a sex worker’s boundaries.

I still receive emails from a female client who began pursuing me obsessively after she learned my first name.

“Dear Chris: I’m going to build a house someday, and I hope you’ll live in it with me.”

“Dear Chris: You’re the love of my life.”

“Dear Mistress Natalie: When I first came to you, I was nervous and you made me feel comfortable. As I’ve had time to reflect, I realize that I overstepped my boundaries with you.”

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I try to ignore these messages, but it’s hard. I’m afraid of her. My girlfriend was afraid of her, too. The client sent gifts from my Amazon Wish List, which piled up on our doorstep while I was away.

“Don’t worry, baby,” I said to my girlfriend. “She doesn’t know my last name. She doesn’t know how to find us.” But I didn’t know for sure.

After that girlfriend and I broke up, I was alone in my fear, which came as a relief.

Nearly a decade ago, in a hotel room in a southern city, I met a client who was another graduate student. His name really was John, and John’s Ph.D. would be in computer science. Mine would be in the humanities. This explains why he had money to hire a dominatrix and I had so little that I needed to play one on the side.

When John walked into my room, I thought he was cute. When he told me all he wanted to do was kiss my leather boots, I thought, “Easy money.” When he told me he had a girlfriend, I wondered why he couldn’t kiss her boots for free. (Our culture really does a number on men who are interested in sexual submission.)

“What’s your real name?” John asked after the session.

I didn’t give him the name my friends call me, Chris, but the name my parents gave me, Christina. I told him I was a Ph.D. student like him, studying English. I contain multitudes!

With a little research, he was then able to find my last name.

When I was back home, he texted: “So, Doctor, what happens if I start developing feelings for you and want to see you on a different level?”

I ignored him.

A week later, using my full name, he made it known that he had read my academic articles, something I couldn’t even convince my then girlfriend to do.

My cheeks burned as I read the text, knowing it was my own ego that had lured me into dangerous territory. I told John to call me “Mistress Natalie” but didn’t block his number.

That Christmas, he texted to say that he was in Orange County visiting his parents. When I saw his number flash on my phone, I remembered that he knew my real name and didn’t answer. He left angry voice mails, ranting about how I had stoked his obsession and left him hanging.

“Christina,” he pleaded, “don’t ruin my Christmas.”

I had been working for a few years by the time I met the woman who still sends me the inappropriate emails, but I could have counted the number of female clients I had seen on one hand. I was fine with that. Female clients were more complicated. I had a harder time separating professional from personal. I had a harder time saying “no” when they asked for my real name.

In B.D.S.M. practice, “after care” is important, so I offered hugs to every client at the end of a session. It seemed like the least I could do. With that woman, I let the hugs linger. She could count on four, five cycles of breath before I would pull away. She would take more if I let her.

After our sessions, she would text me to say that the hug was her favorite part.

The last time I saw her, she had shown up to meet me in a hotel lobby — shoeless and strung out, with no money for the session she had booked — in a city where the police were rumored to be doing prostitution stings in high-end hotels.

Professional B.D.S.M. exists in a gray area of the law: It’s not prostitution, the acceptance of money for sex, but only because sex is hard to define. I didn’t think cops running a sting operation were likely to delve into the ambiguities, and I didn’t need an erratic client getting me arrested. I had just defended my dissertation and was about to enter the academic job market. So I gave her cash to get her car out of the hotel parking lot where she had slept and vowed to never see her again.

At the time, I belonged to a sex worker self-defense collective. We spent hours each week drilling strategies to deflect touch. We practiced maneuvers meant to forcibly remove hands from the small of our backs, to break grips on our wrists. We talked about boundaries and how to set them.

It took the collective an hour to persuade me to stop engaging with this woman. After that morning in the hotel lobby, she had threatened to hurt herself if I didn’t see her again, but I had sworn that I wouldn’t.

“I can no longer have contact with you,” I wrote as my support system looked on. “I wish you the best, but you have persisted in contacting me against my wishes.”

I made a friend press “send.” I turned off my phone for 12 hours, afraid of her response. All I could think was: She knows my real name.

Either way, I still hold my breath when I open my old work inbox, bracing myself for love declarations or worse — that she could find out where I live, show up at my door and ask for another chance at a love she never had.

Fear is a weapon wielded by those who want to keep others silent, and the stigma against sex work makes it easy to scare or blackmail us. So finally, a few years ago, I came out as a sex worker. My name is no longer a secret to anyone. I didn’t come out because I am fearless. I came out because I am sometimes still afraid, and I know I’m not alone.

In general, though, I was rarely afraid of my clients, the fumbling fathers who showed me iPhone photographs of their children and dogs, the sweet-if-clueless guys who asked for my advice on their dating profiles. Even John — the Ph.D. student who used my real name — called a year later when he was again home for the holidays to apologize. “I’m a fool when it comes to feelings,” he wrote. “That’s why I acted the way I did.”

He said he was in therapy, and I agreed to see him again. He sounded sorry, I needed the money, and it was Christmas, after all.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

Is it getting hot in here?


By Jessica Estrada

Whether you want to reignite a spark in the bedroom or are just down to try something new with your partner, power play (with continued consent, of course) may be the thing to spice up your sex life. Carol Queen, Ph.D., a staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, defines power play as play that involves differential roles, usually a submissive partner and a dominant partner. This type of power play, she says, applies to most BDSM as well as other forms of kink (think role-playing) and some forms of rough sex.

With that in mind, while people participating in power play tend to find this type of play erotic, Queen says it doesn’t always involve sexual activity. “Some go on to have sex with this heightened arousal and power-infused role-play to add passion and excitement,” she says. “Others do not choose this.” Either way, she says the benefits of power play are many, including pleasure, excitement, increased partner intimacy, and an enhanced way you see yourself and the world. Into it? Keep reading to learn how to introduce power play into your sex life.

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

1. Get On The Same Page

First and foremost, it’s important to talk to your partner about incorporating power play. “Find out if your partner is interested, if they have any concerns, if either of you feels the need for more information,” Queen says. If so, she encourages doing more research about power play, taking a class, or talking to an experienced friend or expert about it until you both feel comfortable taking the next steps.

2. Create A Yes/Maybe/No List

The next step is to get clear on what you’re most excited to try and your limits and boundaries. To do so, Queen suggests creating a yes, maybe, and no list, which details what you’re willing to do, things you may be into trying, and what things you’re not interested in trying. Then compare lists and find what is compatible for you to explore together. “If you’re interested in different things, figure out if either of you is happy to facilitate the other’s fantasy, or look at your maybe lists and see if there’s a way to address the elements that prevent those items from being yesses,” Queen says.

3. Choose Your Safe Word

Next, decide on a safe word other than the word no. Queen says it should be a word that would not likely come up when you’re in character during role-play. The word “red,” as in red light means stop, is a common safe word. If there’s a chance you may not be able to be heard — for instance, if it’s noisy or you are gagged — Queen recommends using a safe gesture, such as holding an item and dropping it.

And most importantly, when the safe word (or gesture) is used, respect it and give the other person what they need, whether that’s taking a break or stopping altogether. If your partner doesn’t respect safe words, Queen doesn’t recommend playing with them again as it is a breach of trust.

4. Decide Your Roles

“Even if you are not doing role-play per se, power play implies a top and a bottom (dominant and submissive),” Queen says. But these don’t have to be set in stone. “People switch all the time, but you need to know who is the ‘do-er’ and the ‘do-ee.’ Unless, you know, your fantasy is to [wrestle] and see who can overpower the other,” she says. Whatever your role, Queen adds that both of you can use the safe word at any point.

5. Check In With Each Other

Once you’ve experimented with power play (more on how to do that below), Queen emphasizes the importance of checking in with each other afterward, whether it’s right after or after you’ve had some time to process the experience. Ask each other how you’re feeling and figure out what you loved or would change if you did it again.

Power Play Game Examples

Blindfold

If you’re just dipping your toes into power play, incorporating a blindfold is a beginner-friendly way to try it out. “Blindfold one of you, and the other person touches and teases them, maybe uses toys or a massage candle, does light BDSM play like slapping or pinching,” Queen says. “The blindfold is a power toy because it removes one of your senses and it also intensifies the others.”

Role-Play & Sex

Another way to experiment with power play is to choose personas or characters to play. “Pretend to be strangers and seduce each other, or pick matching roles that include power differential to explore,” Queen says. Think mistress and butler or coach and athlete. “Remember, this is fantasy, and you can use your safe word if it goes in a direction you’re not feeling.”

Bondage

Lastly, if you want to take things up a notch, Queen suggests trying bondage with fuzzy cuffs. She says metal handcuffs can cause discomfort when you thrash around. Don’t have handcuffs on hand (no pun intended)? The submissive can put their hands somewhere and not move. “This is exciting with sex play but also a way to explore spanking and other impact play,” she says. “The butt cheeks are good, safe places to explore impact. Start mild, and escalate if desired.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to talk about kink with your vanilla partner

— Couples of all kinds grow together sexually.

By Beth Ashley

Most people who start a relationship expect — or at least hope — to align on important life elements. That’s why so many of us make sure to go over the basic, foundational bits like “Do you want kids?” “Do you want to get married?” and “Are you as career focused as I am?” during the dating stage. But often we forget to check on sexual compatibility before taking the plunge into a committed relationship, and by that, I don’t just mean having sex and thinking “Yep, that’s good sex.” Sexual compatibility goes much further than that.

According to sex educator and mental health expert Lola Jean, who facilitates classes in kink and BDSM, sexual compatibility also includes whether the two of you prioritise sex on the same level, have similar desires to have sex (in terms of frequency), are both good at sexual communication, enjoy similar sexual behaviours, and whether you’re both into (or not into) trying new things.

If you know you’re kinky from the get-go, this should also be laid on the table early on, when you first start discussing or having sex, with a conversation like “Hey, I’m into rough sex. Are you? Do you think you’d be into it if you tried?” Equally, if there’s something you’ve not tried but that has been on your mind to try for a while, you should bring that up, too.

This isn’t to say that all couples should have mind-blowing sex with equal pleasure that ticks everyone’s boxes on the first go or they should call it quits. In fact, that’s pretty unlikely, though possible. Couples of all kinds grow together sexually, and if any of your partner’s answers to your sexual compatibility questions are an awkward “ermmm no, no really,” it doesn’t mean the two of you are doomed. Humans are flexible and we change our minds. But we all have our deal breakers, our absolute “no-nos,” and that’s where things can get complicated.

This is why it’s so important not to gloss over this chat (no matter how awkward it is) and avoid ending up with mismatched levels of kinkiness.

How do I talk to my vanilla partner about kink?

If you did skip that first sexual compatibility course, don’t fret. It’s better late than never.

First, don’t assume your partner is “vanilla” — meaning, they like regular, non-kinky sex — because, so far, you’ve mostly done missionary. If you haven’t had a chat about kink before, there’s no way to tell they aren’t into it. Try not to make assumptions as you lead into this conversation or try to guess ahead of time what their reaction will be.

Schedule some time with your partner specifically to talk about sex and have the conversation somewhere where you’re comfortable. Often, it works well to have this conversation outside of the bedroom to remove any pressure. If you hang out together in your living room quite often, this could be a settling place to talk.

“You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.” Jean tells Mashable that when we talk to our partners about introducing kink into the relationship, we shouldn’t lead by focusing on specific activities, like using handcuffs or trying spanking, for instance.

“Just leading with specific activities is limiting,” she says. There’s not a lot of room for compromise or discussion if we jump in with a super-specific situation.

Instead, “Talk about the goals or feelings you’re after,” she suggests. For instance, “maybe I want to be spanked so I can feel punished, but my partner doesn’t want the idea of hitting me. So we can discuss and find another way where I can feel punished.” Words like “explore” and “figure things out” can help you communicate, she says. “You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.”

What if my partner is firm in their vanilla stance?

It happens! Vanilla people exist, and it’s not right to shame or try to change them. It might be that their vanilla nature comes from outdated ideas about sex, or it might be that they are just super into the simpler side of sex. Whatever the case, their style of sex is their own choice, just like everyone else’s.

Jean says the most important part of all of this is that you understand your desires don’t overrule your partner’s comfort. She tells Mashable, “Whether your desire is kink, or polyamory, etc, that is still your own desire, and your partner, no matter how much they love you, want to have sex with you, or think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, doesn’t have to do it with you.”

They are just desires, not rights. Your partner’s take on them just informs you of how or when you can act on them in the relationship.

If a kink is integral to you (perhaps it’s more of a fetish, meaning you struggle to get sexual pleasure without it?), Jean recommends seeing if your partner is open to giving it a go or trying something similar. But don’t pressure them. If they’re just not into it at all, or if they try it and don’t like it, but you find you still really need it from your relationship, then maybe that relationship isn’t for you.

“Sexual compatibility is important, but I don’t think it’s something that is innate,” says Jean. “It’s not about chemistry or attraction, it’s the ability to listen, understand, respond, and find different middle ground,” she says.

Once the initial conversation or conversations have been had, the next moves are really up to the vanilla person to explain what they’re comfortable exploring. “Just recognize it might take patience,” she says. “If you’ve figured out you’re kinky, there was probably a period of time where you didn’t know and it took you time, trial and error to figure things out.” Your partner should be afforded the same flexibility.

Should we open our relationship to solve this?

You can open your relationship if that’s something the two of you are genuinely interested in. But as Jean points out, “if someone isn’t getting what they want out of a relationship, that’s not a reason to have more relationships. You should be non monogamous because you want to be non monogamous, not because your partner is failing to meet your needs.”

A lot of people see opening the relationship as the only choice when you want to stay together but aren’t interested in the same kinks, but that isn’t the case. There are plenty of ways that you can also be monogamous and explore kink in a different way.

Kinks can actually be explored solo. From wax play to shibari to dominance, restraint, and nipple play, whatever you’re into or you’d like to give a go, a sexual partner isn’t necessary for exploration. “You can restrict yourself, you can deny yourself, you can impose a reward system or a punishment system, you can even do sensation play on yourself. And this is a great way to explore kink without your partner.”

What about hiring a helping hand?

There’s also the option of hiring a sex worker, like a professional kink instructor, to help you explore. “Hiring a professional is great if you want to stay monogamous but involve another person so you can experience kink,” says Jean. “There’s a professional boundary there which can make participants more comfortable, and you can work with the expert separately or as a couple.” It also means that you can explore with someone who knows what they’re doing and how to practise safely.

It might be that your partner doesn’t want to be directly involved in the kink but gets a thrill out of watching you engage in it, which is another way a professional can come in. Compromising in this sphere is all about trying different things, and working out what’s comfortable, fun, and pleasurable for both of you.

If you and your partner have different ideas about what sex should look like, whether you’re vanilla, a little kinky, or into hardcore BDSM, you don’t have to split up. But you cannot compromise beyond your boundaries, nor should you expect that of someone else. Have an open, honest conversation and be considerate of each other’s desires, needs, and no-go areas. Whatever the outcome ends up being for you both, it’s important to remember that no one has failed. Whether a relationship ends, opens, changes dynamic, or remains exactly the same, these are choices you’ve bravely made to protect each other’s happiness. And that’s exactly what partners should do.

Complete Article HERE!

How BDSM helped me deal with sexual trauma

BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media.

By Megan Wallace

When we’re asked what looking after our mental health looks like, most of us recite the same answer by rote. Talking therapy, medication for those who need it, and then that nebulous concept of “self care,” which nowadays means anything from journaling to eating well to buying expensive candles. But the reality is that no one’s mental health journey is going to look the same. Each person’s brain, trauma, and way of navigating the world is different and, as a result, individuals have long adopted more personalised ways of staying on top of their mental health, whether it’s exercise for stress or ice cold baths for anxiety. But for some, mental healing can come from a more unexpected place: the latex and leather of BDSM.

While I never thought it would work out this way, this has even been the case for me. Following a sexual assault in 2018 which happened on a busy street, one I still often pass, I found myself withdrawing from sex – feeling hugely disconnected from my body and partners, swallowing down the feeling of not wanting to be touched, counting down the time until any sexual encounter would stop in my head and sometimes crying uncontrollably afterwards. Even now, there are still times when I find intimacy so tough that I dissociate. For anyone who’s not sure what “dissociation” means in this context, let me explain. Basically, when I’m supposed to be “enjoying the moment” something bizarre occurs in my brain – it feels like I’ve extricated myself from my body and am floating, passively watching everything happening from the foot of the bed.

At the time, I never really wanted to talk about my experience in a formal way, but it would often come out as a jagged, hot-teared confession after one too many drinks. Probably, therapy would have been the answer (isn’t it always?) but I started looking for alternative solutions. Inspired by teenage years spent on Tumblr and a summer spent living and working in Berlin, where sex clubs were everywhere, I thought BDSM might be worth a shot. It was a whole culture celebrating around sex, one where all shame was left at the door and pleasure reigned supreme – what if it could help me work through some of baggage, I wondered. And as you’ve probably worked out by the title of this article, it was.

It was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts.

But the bit that helped me? Well, it wasn’t even the sex. Instead, it was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts. In practice, this means that a) you spend a lot of time talking and b) you kind of know how everything is going to pan out before you even get started. This proved to be a major relief to me after the shock and trauma of what had happened to me previously. It was also a way to begin to slowly trust someone, knowing that we basically had a verbal contract in place, instead of having to dive-in to intimacy. According to my partners at the time, I could never “let go” during sex so it was a huge relief that BDSM presented a judgement-free space of calm and control – even if, as a sub, I was supposedly the one giving up control.

Stripping away BDSM misconceptions

Admittedly, it’s a stereotype that if you’ve suffered from trauma you might gravitate towards BDSM – particularly when you look at depictions of kink in pop culture. Whether it’s the sexual assault that dominatrix Tiffany experiences in Netflix’s Bonding or the childhood abuse that Christian Grey mentions in Fifty Shades of Grey, TV and film writers are more than a little complicit in spreading the preconception, via clunky dialogue, that you’ve got to have suffered trauma to be into kink. But does this have any rooting in real life? Well, away from our screens, research has found a link between child abuse and developing an interest in sadism or masochism later in life. It’s important to remember though that the research here is scant and the link is far from definitive. However, if it does exist, we need to interrogate the ways that we talk and think about this correlation. Rather than viewing a tendency towards BDSM as a “perversion” of “normal” sexuality, what if we saw BDSM rituals as a form of harm reduction, a coping mechanism, or even a type of therapy?

“While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners.”

And while BDSM might be particularly associated with people who have been through a specific type of trauma, it can be helpful to people of many varied experiences. This is the case of Prish, a 25-year-old non-binary person who gravitated towards kink after a childhood where their boundaries and needs weren’t listened to or respected. Having struggled with codependent relationships as a result, it was through BDSM that they were able to connect with their desires and learn how to communicate them. “While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners,” they explain. “When these needs were listened to and respected, and when my pleasure was centred by the people who were domming me, this was incredibly healing.” Ultimately, being able to express what they wanted sexually has had a much wider positive impact. “I felt more empowered than I’d ever felt in my whole life; like I finally had some control over getting what made me happy — and I was able to expand this into other aspects of my life.”

Here, we can see that BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media. Instead, it can be a way of working through intimate struggles, both sexual and emotional, with people you trust. While for some, it can be a life-long practice, for others it can be something to dip in and out of or to only turn to in a time of need. And different scenes can have different emotional impacts. This is the case for 24-year-old Hannah who, reeling from a serious breakup, staged a life-changing kink encounter. After being involved in BDSM for several years, she began speaking to someone she knew from the scene – and they were able to act out a long-held fantasy of hers. “One thing he’d done and I’d always wanted to try was sexual hunting: think predator/prey play but IRL. We met up for a drink beforehand to discuss boundaries and then the date rolled around for us to do the deed,” Hannah explains.

On the day of the planned encounter, Hannah and her play partner met up in a forest and she was given a “head start” as part of the scenario. This, as she explains, was where an emotional transformation began. “I felt such an exhilarating rush from being chased, like I was running away from my problems,” she says. “It was like I was stepping out of my skin and my sadness.” As per their agreement, Hannah was then “caught” and they both had sex – leading her to an emotional breakthrough. “He asked me what my ex would think if he knew I was doing this and in that moment, I knew I didn’t care anymore. It was so cleansing and cathartic and it gave me the space and sexual confidence to move on with my life — I’ll always be grateful for it.”

Both Prish and Hananh’s experiences focus on the emotional aspect of BDSM, its use as a tool that allowed them to reframe negative experiences and mindsets and reclaim power. While this is their personal experience, there’s even a fledgling line of research that backs it up, looking at how individuals are using kink as a form of trauma recovery. And it’s not too much of a stretch to see how BDSM sometimes mimics techniques seen in talking therapy – Gestalt therapy may even include “role playing” sessions, after all. But while we know that BDSM might be helpful to some people, is there a way to seek it as part of a recognised mental health treatment plan?

How BDSM can be therapeutic

Well, we’re a long way off from seeing BDSM listed as a fully-funded alternative therapy on the NHS website. However, some work has actually already started among mental health professionals willing to explore kink and the role it plays in people’s lives and emotional states. There are more and more kink-positive and BDSM-informed therapists out there and, excitingly, there’s even a growing number of BDSM therapists who combine traditional talking therapy with BDSM sessions. Among these is the conscious kink facilitator and qualified counsellor Divine Theratrix, who offers potential clients the option of  integrative talking therapy, somatic healing sessions and animal play classes in order to allow individuals to “get out of their head and into their body in playful and tactile ways.”

The beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves.

Also going by the name Lara, Divine Theratrix was first inspired to use BDSM as a tool in her work after thinking about how the mind impacts the body. “In addition to being trained as a traditional integrative therapist, I embarked on further studies into the relatively new field of somatic psychology and became convinced that touch could be a missing piece for some people on a journey of trauma healing,” she explains. Somatic psychology focuses on how the body impacts the mind, and has been explored practically through somatic therapies which focus on the body. These techniques focus on regulation of your nervous system (which can become stuck in fight or flight responses) and on creating bodily awareness, and are particularly useful for people with trauma or PTSD.

Obviously, there are plenty of different physical aspects to BDSM and you might not have thought before about how these might impact your brain, but they do. Take one of the most commonly known parts of BDSM: impact play, where your skin is hit with a hand, paddle or whip. While it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, scientists have shown that it has a positive impact on kinksters’ mental health – individuals may have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after a kink session.

But if we step aside from all this technical stuff, the beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves. Whether it’s the feel of latex on the skin or the psychological thrill of power play, kink connects us to our bodies, our instincts and allows us to fully embody our emotions. As Lara puts it: “When the mind and body work together, the learning tends to be more impactful.”

Complete Article HERE!

What is Shibari or Kinbaku?

— Everything you need to know about BDSM rope play.

Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present.

By Beth Ashley

The Discovery+ true crime series House of Hammer, detailing the allegations surrounding Call Me By Your Name actor Armie Hammer, has raised a lot of questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, BDSM, kink, and ethics. The series, which opens with Hammer (who has denied these allegations) detailing his love of Japanese rope bondage, has also made some monumental mishaps in explaining how certain kinks and scenes within the BDSM community actually work. The series doesn’t ever address what these kinks actually are, or their important connection to Japan’s history and culture. Disappointed but not surprised.

Viewers of House of Hammer will understandably have questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, but those shouldn’t be answered by someone accused of committing acts of sexual violence. There are dangerous implications with allowing Hammer, an alleged abuser, to define and discuss any form of BDSM — and to conflate consensual sexual practice with abuse
“Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, and inaccurately portrayed in the media.” Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, stigmatised, and inaccurately portrayed in the media, with many speaking out against titles like Bonding, How to Build a Sex Room, and Fifty Shades of Grey for tying problematic ideas to kink.

In reality, the BDSM community centres play of any kind around consent, respect and communication. And that’s especially true with Shibari.

What is Shibari?

Shibari, sometimes called Japanese rope bondage or “kinbaku” is a modern form of rope bondage which originated in Japan. The term “shibari” means “tying” and “kinbaku” means “tight binding.” The two are used interchangeably, and refer to the same type of play. Put simply, Shibari involves tying someone up with ropes. Sometimes this involves sex, with couples tying each other into certain positions and sometimes the fun is just about the tying itself. But historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.

Sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Planet Midori, tells Mashable: “It originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia.”

She explains that the practice is embedded in Japan’s ancient history. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated shackles into their sex, based on historic captivity measures, Japanese folks found inspiration in captured maidens.” Only, in Japan’s history, the restraint of choice was rope.

But today, Japan, Shibari is enjoyed by consenting adults in their private sex lives, as well as stage performances in kink-themed bars, and of course in porn. And it’s catching on in the West too, with kink and fetish clubs in the United Kingdom and mainland Europe embracing Shibari in play. It’s even got a thriving TikTok community.

Why are people into Shibari?

Midori explains that she personally loves Shibari because it’s so flexible, both literally and figuratively. “Shibari fits all bodies, and [the rope] can be woven into the process of creating a vast range of scenes and moods. It’s adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari – you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body on that day,” she tells Mashable.

Marika Leila Roux, co-founder and creative director of Shibari Study, who offer Shibari classes, says “Shibari is a way of communicating through rope and that makes it magical. It’s not just about memorising certain patterns or knots; instead, shibari allows you to use things like how you handle your rope and different ways of using speed, tension and tempo to create different sensations and even emotions for your partner (or yourself).” She says that using rope in a way that’s playful, sensual, tender and a little challenging can help us examine our needs, desires and intentions as well as those of our partners.

How do I get started with Shibari?

Shibari isn’t something you can jump into head first without doing some required reading, learning and pre-sex communication first. It does literally involve rope after all, so safety is an important consideration.

Marika explains that the most important thing to learn when getting started is general safety, which is why Shibari Study offers a safety course for free. So, Shibari newbies, it’s time to crack out the books and maybe take a class or two. Marika says you should “invest serious effort into grasping the basic techniques. No one is going to master Shibari overnight, nor should they try to. I always recommend a ‘low and slow’ integration method.”

Thorough communication about wants, desires, boundaries and what you’re looking to get out of Shibari with any potential partners are also crucial before, during and after every Shibari session.

“There will always be some sort of risk when playing with ropes,” Marika notes, “but as long as you do your research and communicate clearly with your partners, you should be able to mitigate these risks and create a fun and enriching experience. Take the time to establish and update your own personal risk profile — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks and what they are comfortable with and be transparent with whoever you are tying with,” she adds.

Midori says that in terms of equipment, beginners should start with cotton rope as it’s softer on the skin and it’s easier to clean up. “Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustrations for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied.”

Close up on a red soft ball of rope, used in the Japanese erotic arts of kinbaku, sinju and shibari, on black silk

“Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing too,” she adds. “Sometimes knots simply get too tight to undo easily, or the person being tied up might want to get out quickly.”

She also recommends steering steadily into the world of complicated positions. While you’re still a beginner, and certainly during your first time, don’t try anything too crazy. “Start with your most favourite sex position, and try to tie your partner, or have them tie you, into that shape,” she says. She recommends starting with an easy, gentle placement too. “Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.” But don’t do anything too complicated on the first go, and don’t tie near the neck and head so the person being restrained can still breathe.

Is it cultural appropriation to do Shibari if I’m not Japanese?

Midori explains that, outside of Japan, in the past decade or so, Shibari has gone viral. With that increase in popularity, came some criticism of Westernised interpretations of the craft, along with “particular narratives about Shibari’s history.”

“Shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte,” Midori explains. “Others claim that Shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering’, Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation.”

“For people who don’t buy into those problematic narratives today, they can enjoy Shibari as part of their own variation of kinky bondage play,” she assures. “Is Shibari a spiritual practice in Japan? No. Might some Shibari lovers in Japan and the rest of the world find moments of emotional catharsis in Shibari? Sure. Do some of these folks make it their own form of spiritual exploration? Yes.” But she stresses that this isn’t unique to Shibari. It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission — to name a few.

“Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure.” She also adds that the social media side of Shibari can purposely make Shibari ropes look overly complex, but if it suits you, Shibari beginners are welcome to tie whatever ropes they can manage, and giggle their way through the process. It doesn’t have to be a serious situation. “You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties and maybe a simple body harness [which you can learn from coaches online or in a beginner’s Shibari class] is fine, good, and hot for most people.”

Ultimately, Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure. “It shouldn’t be intimidating or aggravating,” she says.

Despite certain documentaries and their perception of play, people who play with Shibari centre their experiences around communication, respect and consent, be it about BDSM or the rope work alone. It should go without saying, but Shibari should never be used to abuse someone. Though it’s derived from images of captivity, the practice is a far cry from this. Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present. If you want to be a part of it, seek out a qualified coach to show you the ropes, a trusted partner, and let out your spicy side.

Complete Article HERE!

What is BDSM?

Your Queer Guide to Kink, Domination, Bondage, and More

Queer sex experts answer your most commonly asked questions about BDSM.

By

Okay, first things first: BDSM is hot, and I’m not the only one who thinks so. Just look at the latex, leather, and chain outfits featured in Fashion Week collections earlier this year. BDSM has long had an aesthetic influence on fashion and pop culture, and while you might think of it as a niche set of sexual practices, it’s a more common fantasy than you might think.

For those unfamiliar with the term, BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. But it goes far beyond those acts, and more broadly stands as an umbrella term for a wide array of sexual behaviors, play, and relationships that center on power and control.

“It involves playing around with and often subverting power dynamics,” sex educator and pro-domme Goddexx Haru tells Them. “It’s consensual, meaning all parties understand what they’re getting into and communicate throughout to make sure that everyone feels okay during and after a scene.”

As with all umbrella terms, BDSM is open-ended and ever-evolving. It can include a variety of acts and behaviors, from pain play to bondage to humiliation, and has expanded to capture the multiplicity of ways that consenting adults explore power dynamics. People may also engage in more immersive forms of play like lifestyle BDSM, a practice in which people integrate kink into their daily life from small things like being expected to clean the house for their dom(me) to wearing a leash and being walked around the block by their dom(me). 

Have you ever fantasized about having your partner tie you up or smack your butt during sex? Maybe you’ve thought more than once about telling your partner what to do, inside and outside of the bedroom. If so, certain aspects of BDSM may be right up your alley. However, you may still have concerns before diving into the world of kink. 

Read on for answers to the most common questions people have about BDSM: What does BDSM stand for? What types of BDSM are there? How do I set boundaries before getting started? What is a safeword? Is BDSM Queer? And how do I get started?

What does BDSM stand for?

BDSM is an initialism of Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. For those unfamiliar, here is what these terms roughly mean:

Bondage: The most well-known kind of bondage is being tied up by or tying up a partner with handcuffs, ropes, tape, or other materials, such as belts. Other forms of bondage include using restraints like latex masks, ball gags, genital cages, and other equipment. The act of binding your partner or being bound during play are ways to experiment with power dynamics and trust.

Discipline: In the context of sex, discipline involves one person conditioning another person to behave to their liking through rewards and punishment. This look like many acts, such as slapping a sub for moaning or making noise during sex to pleasuring a sub for begging for a specific sexual act.

Domination: Acts through which a dominant, or dom(me) for short, controls their submissive, or sub. Domination can include inflicting pain, using verbal insults, and other forms of conditioning. This can look like a dom(me) hitting a sub, using tools like floggers, and demeaning them.

Submission: Submission refers to acts wherein a submissive succumbs to the will of their dom(me). Subs may show their dominant they’re in control by verbally affirming their dom(me), pleasuring their dom(me) by doing sexual acts they enjoy, or allowing their dom(me) to inflict pain on them.

Sadism: Sadism is when one experiences sexual pleasure by inflicting physical pain or humiliating another person. For example, a dom(me) may get off on hitting their partner or inflicting other forms of physical pain on them through biting, cutting, or whipping.

Masochism: Masochism is when one feels sexual pleasure from being subjected to pain or experiencing humiliation. Subs may experience sexual gratification from being hit or bound by their dom(me) or being insulted and degraded.

These are phrases that describe interpersonal dynamics between consenting parties; some people prefer to be in control (dominating others), while others may prefer to give control to others (being submissive).

How BDSM looks in practice depends on the wants, needs, and comforts of all involved. Some people choose to engage in bondage only, while some hate the feeling of restraint but want to explore impact play. Some others might hate pain but love the feeling of losing control. BDSM is a spectrum that everyone can interact with in their own way, whether privately at home with their partners, at kink clubs, or with professional dom(me)s, making the possibilities endless and exciting.

“To me, BDSM is an umbrella term for many different kinks, dynamics, fetishes, etc,” Carly S., a pleasure educator for Spectrum Boutique, tells Them. “Having my own kinks outside of vanilla sex brought me to the scene. It’s also really empowering to find a community of like-minded perverts. You can much more easily find play partners, friends, or more when you find the part of the community you vibe with the most.”

What types of BDSM are there?

Illustration of a mustachioed person applying mascara.
People often assume I’m uber-masculine just because I’m a Dom. There’s way more to me underneath the leather.

Having read this far, you can see why this is a difficult question to answer. While the initialism of BDSM stands for certain words, the umbrella nature of the community extends to cover such a vast ground of kink and play that it would be impossible to list all the types.

“Oh, there’s too many ways to engage with BDSM to even count honestly,” Fucktoy Felix (link NSFW), a queer porn performer, tells Them. “Some people are more into the bondage. Some people are more into the discipline and control. Some people emphasize the dynamic between dominance and submission more, for others it’s all about pain play with sadism and masochism. A lot of people blend a lot of these. There’s also a lot of kink and fetish content that lies outside what most would consider ‘BDSM’ altogether.”

Basically, there are as many ways to play with BDSM as there are leaves under the sun. Some examples include:

Shibari: An artistic form of bondage that originated in Japan, consisting of a partner tying up their submissive with colorful ropes in intricate patterns.

Pain Play: Sex that involves intentional pain inflicted by a partner or yourself. This can include spanking, biting, hitting, and scratching, among other acts that involve tools like whips, floggers, and paddles.

Humiliation: Degrading a partner and attacking their self-worth through insults and sometimes psychological torture. It is often paired with physical aspects of BDSM such as bondage or pain play.

Lifestyle BDSM: The act of involving BDSM in your everyday life, not just your bedroom. Lifestyle BDSM can range from having a partner tell you how to dress and what to order at a restaurant to being locked in a kennel when your dom(me) is away.

Sometimes BDSM doesn’t even need to include sex or sexual activities. “Since BDSM is really an umbrella term for a lot of different kinks and fetishes, there are equally as many variations in how people play,” Carly says. “For example, some scenes might not involve sex at all, and others might be focused on sexual activities.”

Don’t let the stereotypical depictions of BDSM in films like 50 Shades of Gray deter you from thinking your particular interests aren’t part of the umbrella. “On film, I tend to do heavy bondage including suspensions, unusual forms of punishment such as waterboarding or more traditional corporal, etc. but there’s an extremely short list of people I trust to perform those kinds of acts with,” Charlotte Sartre, an adult performer and director for Kink.com, tells Them. “At home, I’m absolutely submissive to my current partner, but I’m not being hung by my ankles and electrocuted in my free time.”

How do I set boundaries before getting started? What are safewords?

As always, you should talk with whoever you are going to engage in BDSM with beforehand. Have a chat about your shared desires, your hard boundaries, boundaries you feel like you can push, and ways you would like to communicate during sex. That could include choosing a safeword to say if you need to stop sexual activities, or using something like the traffic light system, where you check in by saying “green” to go ahead, “yellow” to slow down on an act, and “red” to stop sex altogether.

“Safewords are a great way to set boundaries and have an easy way to communicate, especially if you are having difficulty expressing yourself in the moment,” Carly tells Them.

Also, it’s always good to do your research. Goddexx Haru suggests talking to your partner(s) about what you enjoy, what they enjoy, what you want to explore, and any boundaries you may have in regards to specific BDSM acts like bondage or humiliation.

“Set boundaries to make sure no one is ever doing something they don’t want to be doing,” Goddex Haru tells Them. “I’d recommend doing some reading on BDSM or going to classes if you have any dungeons near you, especially if you’re interested in edgeplay, or play that’s a little riskier like knifeplay, erotic asphyxiation, or 24/7 power play.”

While not all people who engage in BDSM are queer and not all queer and trans people engage in BDSM, the two communities have historically overlapped in significant ways. For example, men’s leather bars and communities — which many consider to be under the umbrella of BDSM — became important havens for LGBTQ+ people in the 1940s and beyond. The intertwined nature of kink and LGBTQ+ communities continues to be a debate to this day, as discourse about whether or not kinksters belong at Pride emerges every June like clockwork.

A group of men dressed in leather fetish clothing ride in a truck at the intersection of 32nd Street and Fifth Avenue during the annual Gay Pride parade in New York City, c. 1980.
Let’s celebrate the contributions the kink and BDSM communities have made towards LGBTQ+ liberation.

So the answer is no, not all BDSM is queer. However, because BDSM dynamics are viewed as a non-normative relationship to sex, its roots alongside and within the LGBTQ+ rights movement run deep.

Goddexx Haru recommends reading Ties that Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. to anyone who wants to learn more about the history of BDSM in the LGBTQ+ community and issues specific to queerness and BDSM.

How do I get started with BDSM play?

Research is always always a great place to start. Figure out what you want out of BDSM, figure out how to express those wants, whether to a partner you already have in mind or to a new person, and see if there are any BDSM classes nearby. It’s incredibly important that you trust whoever you are engaging in BDSM with. Don’t be afraid to wait to explore further until you are comfortable.

“Do what feels natural, don’t be afraid to speak up and ask questions. And there is a wealth of information online, from books to classes,” Sartre recommends. “Attend local events to network with people. Try things with a trusted person but take as much time as you need to develop that trust.”

Figuring out what aspects of BDSM you like and which you would rather avoid is crucial to having a good time and feeling comfortable and safe. An important part of understanding what you like is also tapping into why you want to engage in BDSM in the first place. Like the wide spectrum of sexual acts and dynamics that BDSM encompasses, there are an array of reasons why people engage in them, and figuring out what’s driving you to explore BDSM can help you understand what you hope to get out of it.

“Many of my clients use BDSM as a way to have sex that feels safe after experiencing sexual trauma, as a way to take back control over the situation,” Goddexx Haru says. “I also especially enjoy genderplay — playing around with different gendered labels and expressions during sex can be a really powerful way to explore your gender and sexuality. As a trans person, I find that playing around with the gendered ways I refer to my body and self can feel like a way to take back control and autonomy over my body and the ways that the world tries to label it.”

Ultimately, BDSM can help you tap into another part of your identity, help you be more present during sex, or just have a fun time. Engage with BDSM on your own level. Build up your comfort with other partners, or work with a professional dom(me) or sub if you want someone with more experience. It’s an expansive subculture that allows you the freedom to relate to it however you wish.

Complete Article HERE!

I’m a BDSM submissive

— Here’s what my sex life is really like

A woman reveals the reality of being a submissive

By

When it comes to sex in the 21st century, many of us have left the shame and stigma behind (thank goodness) to enjoy a healthy, safe sex life without judgement.

In fact, research has shown that a growing number of us are enjoying spicier sessions between the sheets, with even those not particularly into kink experimenting more with BDSM.

According to findings conducted last year, 84% of the 2,381 adults surveyed said they had tried BDSM – aka Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism. The report also found that those who enjoy kinky play claimed to have significantly better sex lives than those who don’t.

For the true newbies among us, many relationships under the broad umbrella of BDSM are characterised by complementary and entirely consensual roles that people inhabit, such as the dominant partner, known as the ‘dom’ and  the submissive, or ‘sub’.

But what is life (and sex) like for a woman who is firmly entrenched in the BDSM community as a submissive? Well, according to one sub called Monieau, it’s far from what misconceptions and stereotypes would lead outsiders to believe.

‘Many people believe female submissives are brain-washed and unintelligent or just following the social normative ideas around men and women,’ Monieau explains on Metro.co.uk’s no-holds-barred sex podcast, Smut Drop. ‘But that is such a broad generalisation. There are plenty of confident, competent submissives who work in numerous high-powered, demanding roles, who just want to be submissive in the bedroom.’

In its most basic form, being a submissive means yielding to the dominant’s whims.

‘Having a submissive kink as a part of a BDSM sexual encounter, is where the “submissive” participant is willingly obedient and gives the control and power to the “dominant” participant,’ explains Tracey Coates, sexual wellness expert for sex toy site Ricky.com. ‘Being the submissive partner means that you find pleasure from activities such as being disciplined, punished, or spanked.

‘BDSM can take place in and out of bed, as some fantasy role plays can involve no physical sex at all.’

However, there is no one ‘right’ way to be submissive, as Monieau explains that each sub will have their own preferred style of dominance they like to be on the receiving end of.

‘I like someone who is self-assured and can command a presence,’ she says. ‘I like someone with a dark side. Not a dark side as in, their personality shows red flags, but someone who can do some nasty, amazing things to me.’

Monieau’s path which lead to her foray into the world of BDSM is an unusual one, as she grew up in the Mormon community, whom stress their strict law of chastity – consisting of abstaining from sex outside of marriage, and shunning inter-marital affairs or homosexual relationships.

‘I grew up thinking sex was shameful,’ Monieau adds. ‘I didn’t even know what masturbation really was, but I knew it was bad.

‘As I grew older, I came to terms with conventional ideas of male and female roles. I became a full-on feminist. It’s like I did a 180, which ended up being a 360.

‘In a way, I kink-ified my past trauma about sex and leaned into it.’

‘I like to be submissive as it grounds me,’ Monieau continues. ‘Because of my past feelings of shame and guilt around sex, I find freedom in submission, as it’s someone doing those things to me. It allows me to feel sexual pleasure much more easily than if I was to do it myself.’

However, Monieau is used to people not quite understanding what it means to be a submissive, particularly on a superficial level, a lot of what it consists over seems to be at odds with feminist principles.

‘Both men and women can be a sub, it’s entirely dependent on their personal preference,’ Coates explains. ‘Yes of course, just because you choose to be a sub, doesn’t mean that it has to impact the rest of your life and views in and out of the bedroom, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re not a feminist.

‘You can also argue that being the submissive actually gives you more control as you are giving the dominant partner full permission and the submissive chooses to enact their femininity.’

In order to give a greater understanding to people curious about what being submissive really entails, Monieau is now choosing to share her experiences both on social media and dating apps.

‘When I was first on apps, I had to sift through a lot of manure,’ she explains.

‘I put that I was submissive in my dating profile, as I was just sick of the small talk – I don’t care about small talk, so I explicitly stated what I wanted in a whole list.

‘So around one third of my inbox just took the p**s, and another third of guys were just gross, saying things like: “Hey babycakes.”

‘Another third were genuinely curious so we talked through what being a sub meant to me. Some people found it really educating. It actually made me feel better about men, less afraid of engaging with them.’

Of course, if you’re new to the world of being a submissive, it’s not as easy as going on Tinder to find the right match, says Coates.

‘You want to be able to trust [your dom] and know that you want the same things,’ she advises. ‘Choosing to do this online is the easiest way, as there are hundreds of sites available to everyone. When doing this, you want to make sure that your online profile speaks for you and not against you. Ensuring that you don’t give out too much personal information is also key to finding the best dom, you want to be advertising what you are expecting out of the relationship and avoid those whose first message to you is about sex.

‘You want to be able to build a foundation of trust and understanding before committing to be their submissive.’

Barbara Santini, psychologist and sex advisor at adult toy site Peachesandscreams.co.uk, agrees that your safety must come first when searching for a dom.

‘BDSM is a vulnerable experience, you may learn a lot about yourself,’ she says. ‘Make sure you want it and you do everything to protect yourself. It is essential you express consent, you negotiate the play scenario, and you and your partner stick to it. When you decide to meet a new dom, discuss your safety first, choose a location wisely (public place and later a well-staffed hotel), never change the agreed plans, inform your friends where you are, with whom so they can check on you. Have a safe word and use condoms.’

In Monieau’s experience, many newer subs, and perhaps even a few more experienced submissives, fall into tropes and stereotypes that may be detrimental to their BDSM relationship.

‘Submissives have to work on themselves first,’ she explains. ‘A lot of subs fall into the trap of wanting a dominant to basically just fix all their problems.

‘Before you get into BDSM, you need to work out what you really want from submission. If you have a sign saying you’re here for the taking, people will take advantage of it.’

For Monieau, she stresses there’s a difference in terms of what she wants in physical sensations and her emotional, core desires.

‘Physically, I want orgasms. I want arousal,’ she says. ‘I want to reach subspace.’

For those not in the know, subspace is what Monieau describes as being a ‘nice bonus’ of being a submissive.

‘Subspace is a different state of consciousness that can happen, usually to the submissive partner during BDSM play,’ Santini says. ‘It results from a mix of hormones like endorphins, cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin which are released during the play, when different emotions experienced.’

Monieau compares it to a runner’s high. ‘I basically become a mushy puppet,’ she laughs. ‘I just start riding with the vibes.’

However, the subspace can often lead to a subdrop – essentially, the depletion of those chemicals.

‘Subdrop can occur straight after play, or even as a delayed reaction by the submissive showing signs of emotional imbalance and sometimes flu-like symptoms,’ Coates explains. ‘This bodily and emotional state can be known to last as long as a week, but everyone experiences it differently and can recover within hours or days. So, taking care of yourself after sub play is very important.’

Feeling emotional, weepy and in need of comfort after reaching subspace, are common for Monieau.

‘I am a well of tears,’ she admits, with a laugh. ‘My dom puts me in a little blanket burrito, and it makes me feel like I’m in my safe little bubble.’

She adds that, for her, being a sub is a far cry from any sort of weak and vulnerable stereotype.

‘I’ve realised submissives have strength, even through their submission,’ explains Monieau. ‘Choosing to submit to someone shows you’re holding that space for them.

‘Sex is good and healthy. It’s good for you. It’s okay to feel sexual pleasure and be a sexual being.’

Complete Article HERE!

Everything you need to know about subspace and subdrop in BDSM

Subspace can feel trance-like and floaty

By

Kinky sex is becoming more mainstream by the year, with BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism – is one of the more popular options

Generally, BDSM involves two major roles: the dominant and the submissive, the latter of which is the topic of conversation in this week’s episode of Smut Drop.

As the names imply, being dominant means being the one deemed to be in control, while the submissive, well, submits to that control.

Acting out any BDSM scene can be extremely emotional for either party, but particularly submissives, who experience what is known as ‘subspace’ and ‘subdrop’.

Sophia Mindus, a London-based educator, facilitator and artist interested in kink and sexuality, explains everything you need to know about the two states.

Subspace and subdrop are essentially emotional states triggered by a release of hormones into the body.

‘[During BDS], we are playing with roles, identities, and types of physical activities which are often very different from our day-to-day experiences,’ Sophia tells Metro.co.uk, adding that this can affect us on a physical, emotional and neurochemical level.

As Sophia explains, during different types of play the body can release a whole host of different hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, cortisol. This can lead to people feeling ‘high’ and in an almost ‘trance-like state’ both during and after intercourse.

While ‘topspace’ also exists for dominants, subspace is characterised as being ‘floaty’ and hazy.

Are there any dangers associated with subspace?

Subspace essentially puts the mind and body in altered states, just like if someone takes a drug or drinks too much alcohol, and can sometimes blur the lines of consent, especially in terms of something like BDSM, when pain thresholds might temporarily increase. That’s why it’s vital for dominants to be aware of subspace and responsible for its effects.

‘When people are in altered states it can be harder to make decisions, have awareness of bodily limits and boundaries, and ask for what they need,’ says Sophia.

‘This is not the same for everyone, but this is why in these situations, it is even more paramount that the top takes responsibility for respecting the limits and physical capacity of the person receiving.’

This goes for both physical activities, such as spanking, as well as other boundaries.

‘It is important that the top remembers limits clearly and does not add anything extra or change the type of play into something which hasn’t been prior agreed once someone is in subspace,’ says Sophia. 

‘BDSM relies on all parties to be taking part in these practices with awareness and approaching each other with humanity and ethics.

‘If one person is willing to bypass another person’s boundaries or limits because they are in subspace and unable to communicate clearly, this is a violation of consent.’

If someone is experiencing subspace, the safest decision a top can make is to bring the scene to an end.

How to prepare for subspace

Negotiate communication check-ins

Sophie says that communication check-ins are vital and should be negotiated before play has begun.

‘Some people may experience their subspace as finding it harder to communicate verbally, so perhaps a signal or non-verbal check in such as a hand squeeze or a head movement could be used to communicate,’ she says.

Start slow

‘If it is the first time playing with someone, or someone is experiencing subspace for the first time, this is something they may not recognise or realise is an issue.

‘I always believe in BDSM you can do more but rarely can do less – so going slowly and airing on the side of caution is important.’

What is subdrop?

As many of us know, what goes up must come down, and the high experienced during subspace often gives way to subdrop.

‘A huge surge in hormones can also lead to a sudden drop or depletion of dopamine and oxytocin, the hormones which make us feel happy, connected, warm and euphoric,’ Sophia tells us.

‘This can often happen the day after or some hours after play has occurred.

‘The feeling can vary from irritability and low mood, to feelings of being a bit lost and lonely, to sadness and sensitivity.’

While everyone will feel and deal with subdrop differently, it’s important to note that it is normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you experience it.

‘Whilst we are experiencing a shift in hormones, there is also the reality that BDSM play is a very intimate and vulnerable experience – and the return to reality after these intense experiences can feel sensitive,’ Sophia adds.

‘When we experience such closeness and altered realities with another person, going back to our day to day life can feel a little strange.

‘This can also be difficult if people do not live with their play partners, the sense of loss and separation can be difficult to deal with and something to be considered and worked through to support one another.’

How to deal with subdrop

Subdrop highlights the need for aftercare following a BDSM scene.

‘Aftercare describes not only the immediate care that you need after a type of play, but also the care that you need in the days after a type of play as subdrop can take a while to be felt,’ says Sophia.

Find what works for you

It may take time and experience to understand what kind of aftercare you need.

‘For some people aftercare looks like alone time to process their feelings and thoughts,’ Sophia says, whether that be a self care evening with a bubble bath or time in nature.

‘For others it might look like making sure they have nice plans in place in the days after a play event or play date so they don’t feel so alone,’ she adds.

Reach out to partners

‘The most important thing is reaching out to your partner or friends if you are experiencing a drop.

‘It can feel overwhelming and bizarre the first time, and just knowing that you are not alone and you are not overreacting is important.’

Importantly, BDSM often involves two or more people, so it’s vital to reach out to and support your partners following a scene.

How to help someone through subdrop

Keep checking in

Given that subdrop doesn’t always happen instantly, it’s important to keep checking on your partner to see how they feel.

‘Taking time to check in either via call, text, or an in person meet up to see how your partner is doing, what they might be needing, and also maybe taking time to share what you enjoyed most about the play with them, [is vital],’ says Sophia.

‘Some people may need some reassurance, validation, and extra attention and care after BDSM play.

‘It is a vulnerable, intimate and intense experience to go through with another, and aftercare which encompasses the value of our partners can really support a connective and caring relationship.’

Be open

‘It can take time to recognise what you need to support yourself or another person through drop, so if this is new to you, being really open and offering different suggestions can be a supportive and curious way to explore how best to take care of one another,’ says Sophia.

This is especially important if the dominant is also experiencing a drop.

‘If both people need different things, you need to work out how to compromise and make it work so all needs are met,’ she adds.

Complete Article HERE!

Gateway To S&M

— 6 Kinks You Should Begin the Experience With!

By

Sigmund Freud’s theorised that “certain aspects of your personality are more primal and this pushes you to act on your basic urges. Meanwhile, other parts of your personality work to counteract these urges and strive to make you conform to the demands of reality.” This is why various ‘kinksters’ tend to stay hidden or quiet throughout their lives while some pick being unique and come forth to actually mingle with society, They try to avoid giving into their kinks and experimenting with BDSM.

understanding-bdsm-relationships-a-peek-behind-the-curtain-of-taboo

Thankfully BDSM has now become more acceptable, common and mainstream. This is mainly because various works of fiction in both cinema and literature have started using the same theme. This has motivated people to finally let this inner kinkster fly and hence, they have decided to give S&M a try. So, if you’re looking to experiment with BDSM, here’s an official list of the kinks that you should commence your experiment with. These kinks might make your journey, way more fun instead of overwhelming.

1. Bondage

Bondage is the act of physically restraining your partner. A wide variety of implements can be used to achieve this from ropes to handcuffs. Bonding your partner can be a full way to try power exchange and experiment with roles.

2. Sadism And Masochism

Sado-masochism are two sides of the same coin- erotic pain. Depending on which you prefer, you can either be the pain receiver i.e. masochist or pain giver i.e. sadist. From something as simple as scratching your partner or receiving a strong tug of hair, sadism and masochism can fall into a perfect yin-yang partnership.

3. Impact Play

Impact play is majorly an extension of sadomasochism. This is especially for people who might enjoy the use of instruments or “toys” to indulge in this kind of kink. Depending on curiosity and comfort, partners can choose from a variety of impact toys. Spanking, flogging, caning etc. fall under this category.

4. Sensation Play

The five senses can also add to your sexual experience. Sensation play can range from something as gentle as blindfolds to using earbuds to drown out the surrounding noise. Tuning out one or more of your senses can actually make the other senses more active, making this process all the more fun and of course, beyond just interesting.

5. Exhibitionism

The practice of certain aspects of your kink life can fall under exhibitionism. It encompasses nudity, kink broadcasting and so on. For an exhibitionist, the act of being watched by someone is a huge turn-on. Try this out slowly with perhaps simple tasks in public and then, maybe consider other legal forms of sexual display in a more public space.

6. Orgasm Control

Orgasm control can be a very fun way of experimenting with pushing your or your partner’s boundaries. It is an act of controlling the sexual release and it can be very intense. Depending on your limits, it can be as simple as denying orgasms, asking for permission before having an orgasm and the most fun one- forced orgasms. This is a risky and interesting game!

Remember, Kink and BDSM are not restricted to people who like pain or are into dominance. Kink is just as important for someone looking to make things interesting in the bedroom as it can be for people who want to explore their masochistic limits. This is just a beginner’s list for your journey of kink exploration. There are a lot more kinks and fetishes out there, waiting for you to explore them. Just research away.

The sky is your limit when it comes to exploring the kink world but, just remember to be safe, practice consent, converse with your partner and of course, have fun with the play!

Complete Article HERE!

What Is A Masochistic Person?

10 Traits & Behaviors Of A Masochist

By Lissa Rankin, M.D.

A masochistic person is someone who finds gratification through pain, degradation, or self-denial. Masochism is popularly associated with BDSM; a sexual masochist is someone who likes pain as part of sexual activity, which can be a healthy and empowering kink. But there are also less healthy types of masochism that manifest in people’s personal and professional lives. The psychological masochist is someone who looks for ways to torment themselves in their day-to-day.

For how to know if someone is a masochist, here are some common masochistic behaviors, traits, and tendencies.

1. You can’t say no.

The No. 1 sign that someone is a masochist is that they are unable to say no. Saying no is not selfish or unkind—it’s an act of radical self-care. It’s a way to communicate that you’re not able to say yes without inflicting literal or metaphorical pain upon yourself.

If you’re not sure whether to say yes or no, pause and take a breather. Does your inclination to say yes come from a desire to please someone or seek approval? Check your motivations and give yourself permission to be kind to yourself. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence, and it’s possible to say it with infinite compassion and tenderness.

2. You’re very invested in pushing yourself to be “good.”

You’re religious about your morning meditation practice. You try to do yoga every day, even when you’re sick, and if you miss it, you feel awful. You won’t let yourself “cheat” on your diet, even when it’s your birthday. You beat yourself up when you have too much to drink, and gaining five pounds turns you into a self-berating exercise tyrant.

Ease up. While there’s nothing wrong with discipline and good intentions, our quirks, eccentricities, triumphs, and mistakes are what make us so beautifully human.

3. You get off on sacrificing yourself for others.

A masochist sees personal pain and sacrifice as a means to gain validation. Check your motivations any time you’re called on for a favor, especially those that require you to sacrifice a lot of yourself. If you’re driven by feelings of unworthiness that lead you to overcompensate, or by a fear of disappointing someone, go inward. Soothe the part of you that yearns to rescue, and rescue yourself this time instead.

4. You resist receiving blessings when others try to give them to you.

Many people, especially those with the healer archetype, tend to get uncomfortable when too many blessings flow their way. In order to turn this around, you’ll have to practice “bench pressing” your receiving muscles.

Just like biceps, your receiving muscles need exercise. Try giving yourself what psychologist Anne Davin, Ph.D., calls a “beauty bath.” Treat yourself to beauty in all forms—beautiful music, aromatherapy oils, a Rumi poem, fresh flowers, a symphony. Overdo it. Practice drinking in all the beauty instead of resisting it. We all deserve blessings—you do too.

5. You are attracted to narcissists.

Narcissists can be charismatic, compelling, magnetic, and hard to avoid. But if you keep walking straight into that trap over and over, you may very well be a masochist—and an echoist, aka the opposite of a narcissist who’s always falling for them. Break the pattern now, and choose to spare yourself the heartbreak and disappointment you’ll inevitably feel when you keep choosing to be the Echo to someone’s Narcissus.

6. You fail to stand up for yourself.

It’s one thing to be kind, compassionate, and accommodating. It’s a whole other thing to let yourself become a doormat. The latter falls into masochistic territory. Be soft and yielding but also fierce and strong. It’s possible to be multifaceted and embrace all sides of you—and that includes a side that won’t be taken advantage of. It’s a surefire way to turn masochism into self-love and self-respect.

7. You’re hooked on perfectionism.

Many masochistic behaviors actually stem from perfectionism. Life is messy. It’s easy to become overwhelmed by a fear of being perceived as imperfect—a sort of fascism of the soul. Give your soul permission to be imperfect. It needs room to experiment, screw up, learn the hard way, and ultimately rise above it.

8. You judge yourself for negative emotions.

There’s no way to avoid feeling sad, lost, disappointed, scared, or angry sometimes. Spiritual bypassing—masking emotions by shifting your energy or monitoring your thoughts—always comes back to bite you. While it may help you avoid painful emotions in the short term, suppressing yourself is a soul-splintering sort of masochism.

Try to feel what you feel without holding back or judging any emotion as “wrong.” Resist nothing. You’ll be surprised by how quickly most painful emotions pass when you relax into them.

9. You’re magnetized to drama.

Masochists see drama and run right into the heart of it. If you’re a drama junkie, ask yourself why. Doesn’t it hurt? Do you want to keep hurting? Give yourself permission to prioritize the people and situations that cultivate the stillness in you.

10. You run the other way if anything feels too good.

While I’m not suggesting that we should all turn into overindulgent hedonists, the inability to relax into simple pleasures is an obvious sign of masochism. Do you find yourself bored when life flows with ease? Do you have a story that says that everything good in life comes alongside pain? Well, it’s time to rewrite the story. Allow yourself to experience infinite blessings without undue pain.

The bottom line.

Make sure you’re not kicking yourself if some points on this list describe you. Again, it’s OK that you’re not perfect. Just think of this as a time to look inward and work on yourself—most of us have tendencies that result in some form of self-sabotage, and now you’ve identified a few of yours. Now all you need to do is take some proactive steps and show yourself a little love.

Complete Article HERE!

A Beginner’s Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist

Who, btw, says it’s the safest kind of sex you can have.

By and

Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it’s important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.

At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.

“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it’s nice to be let off the hook,” Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you’re the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.

“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”

If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don’t make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you’ll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else’s methods won’t necessarily get you going.

Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”

Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.

1. Educate yourself.

Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you’ve seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad…extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.

But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here’s a quick primer, from Richmond:

  • Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.
  • Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts—or through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
  • Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult.

P.S. Your experience doesn’t have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you’re naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don’t particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).

2. Start with a fantasy.

Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.

3. Talk it out.

Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since “eye contact is how we communicate empathy.”

Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It’s extremely important that you’re as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don’t want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.

From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you’re both comfortable throughout the process.

4. Consider making it a group affair.

If you realize that you’re willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.

If they’re not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can’t get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it’s common for couples to agree that “when there’s one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon.” Again, not as scary as it sounds!

5. Write it down.

Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn’t a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you’re dating or married.

This way you’ll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner’s boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what’s to come (emphasis on come).

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6. Pick a setting.

Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it’s a place you feel safe, you’re good to go.

7. Come up with a safe word.

Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn’t anticipate, decide on a word you’ll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn’t normally say in the bedroom, such as “milkshake” or “turtleneck.”

Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it’s mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it’s clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they’re okay, stay by their side until they’ve expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they’ll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.

8. Check for emotional safety, too.

That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”

9. Go shopping.

BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators, paddles, anal beads, and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.

“This is all about pleasure,” says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.

10. Dress up.

The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you’re the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your “owner” during the session.

Have fun with it! You don’t need to go all-out Halloween-style, but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.

11. Go slowly.

“You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point,” says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.

Whether you’re just getting into BDSM or you’re a seasoned pro, the practice will always be “an experiential process where the more you do, the more you’ll know,” says Richmond. She assures she’s “very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon,” but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don’t cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.

12. Space out your experiences.

It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”

She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”

13. Save time for “aftercare.”

“The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves,” says Richmond. This conversation, typically called “aftercare,” is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.

The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that’s a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.

Complete Article HERE!

What is bondage sex?

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By now, it’s likely you have heard the term ‘bondage sex.’

Maybe it was in general conversation, on the radio, in an article or quite possibly in an episode of Love Island.

However, you may be unfamiliar with what bondage sex entails. There are are many questions that surround the act and, very often, people can be wary and hesitant about even broaching the topic.

So how do you engage in it and what exactly do you do?

Well, bondage sex refers to a form of sex play that involves consensually tying or restraining a partner in a sex position to give or receive sexual pleasure.

It represents the ‘B’ in BDSM which comprises three separate yet combinable elements: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.

Sometimes, it is referred to as a sexual ‘kink’ as many believe it to be an activity outside of social norms.

However, as seen by the popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise which portrays sadomasochistic relationships, it is a desired practice.

Different forms

According to sex expert Ness Cooper, it comes in many different forms.

‘Bondage sex is where one individual has control over their partner, often in the form of tying them up or restraining them,’ she explains.

‘There are some individuals who enjoy restraining their partner in consensual psychological ways, but for many it is a physical erotic act involving methods of restraint such as rope, cuffs, or even pallet/shrink wrap.

‘One example of bondage includes shibari, which is a form where a partner is restrained with rope. It’s not always erotic as some consider it as an art form due to how complicated rope work can be.

‘When performing rope bondage in an erotic setting some enjoy the ritualistic feeling it offers to their play as they carefully twine rope around the body.’

She continues: ‘Another form is using cuffs. This is a fun way to explore bondage and allows for a quick way of restraining a partner. Some also like to add in role play to their cuff session and play out certain roles to add extra excitement, like pretending to be a police officer.

‘Meanwhile, mummification is an erotic form of play where an individual is tightly confined in shrink wrap. The individual being wrapped likes the idea that they can’t escape and that that they are helpless when presented to the other individual involved.’

Sensations

Ness notes that individuals enjoy both the physical and psychological side of bondage, with many choosing it for the added sensations it can create.

‘Some individuals who are neurodivergent particularly enjoy bondage due to the sensory stimulation it can provide,’ she adds.

Understandably, bondage comes with some preconceived notions as it can be difficult to understand at first. Yet, Ness says it’s time for the stigma to go.

‘Bondage can be stigmatised by society as it’s not seen as “vanilla,”‘ she explains. ‘But there are many reasons why a person may want to explore bondage, and as long as it’s consensual, it’s perfectly normal.

‘We can often judge those who enjoy sexual acts that go against our social norm.’

If you wish to try bondage but don’t know how to broach it with a partner, Ness has some valuable advice.

How to try it

Communicate with a partner

‘There are many sex board games that offer you the opportunity to talk about and explore different forms of bondage,’ she advises.

‘These can be a great way to try things out with a partner when you’re struggling to find the words to ask them to explore it.

‘Shop online together looking at sex toys and talk about the reasons why something appeals to you. This gives you both a chance to reveal intimate curiosities.

‘Discuss what porn you’ve watched, and if you feel comfortable, even ask them to watch a piece of bondage porn with you. Afterwards make sure you talk about it together and allow your partner time to reflect on their feelings about it.’

Set boundaries

Finally, if you and your partner do make the decision to try bondage sex, Ness says talking about personal thresholds is crucial.

‘When exploring bondage, it’s important to make sure you and your partner discuss boundaries and give each other an idea on how far you’d be like to take things,’ she says.

‘Adding in safe words is a brilliant way to let each other know when either of you have reached your limit.’

Complete Article HERE!