Category: BDSM

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How to Be Submissive

— The AskMen Guide for How to Be Submissive in Bed

By Eve Parsons

When you hear the word “submissive,” what do you think of?

Many people think sexual submissiveness is all about allowing yourself to be (consensually) “punished” or otherwise denigrated, but the reality is much more complicated.

And thanks to either sensationalist or outright false portrayals by movies and pop culture, myths and misinformation continue to abound when it comes to this unique area of sexuality.

In this piece, we spoke to several leading sexperts in the world of BDSM and beyond who know what it means to navigate submissive play time in a healthy, safe way.

So if you’re curious about exploring your submissive side, or wondering what that might look like, read on.

What Is Sexual Submission?

“Sexual submission is a form of power exchange and a way to experience a consensual negotiation of surrendering power or decision-making to another person,” says Mark Cunningham, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, psychedelic therapist and owner of Adaptive Therapy.

Ideally, says Cunningham, these actions are things that are discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to the experience.

“These negotiations define how one person may demand or take action toward another person,” he says.

If that sounds a little vague, it’s in part because submission is a broad concept. BDSM play is not a “one size fits all” or uniform area of sexual expression in the least.

“There is almost no ‘always’ when it comes to BDSM play,” says BDSM educator and author Jay Wiseman.

Being a submissive can thus vary widely depending on what you and your partner agree to.

“Sexual submission can involve the use of props, toys, ropes, nipple clamps, cages, and so much more,” says Cunningham. “Or it can purely be a psychological or behavioral relationship that does not involve any use of items.”

In other words, how you play is all down to you and your partner (or partners).

It’s also important to remember that “submission and kink are not always related to one another,” clarifies Leighanna Nordstrom MA, MFT-C of Break the Mold Therapy. “Kink is about non-normative sexual expression (i.e., trying all the things you didn’t learn about in traditional sex ed); submission is about power and control (i.e., allowing someone to determine how you feel and behave during certain scenarios).”

Meaning, you can be in an otherwise “vanilla” relationship, but still have a little power exchange dynamic in a sexual relationship, or you can use submission as a vehicle to explore various kinks, such as those that often fall under the umbrella of humiliation play.

Being a Sub Isn’t Set in Stone

It can be useful to see “submissive” and “dominant” power dynamics as appetites, instead of hardened identities. (And being a submissive also does not necessarily make one a “bottom” automatically either, contrary to many people’s assumptions — it’s definitely possible to bottom while domming, and vice versa.)

In a tutorial video, the world-renowned sexologist, educator and author Midori discusses the differences between topping and bottoming, and how these terms can work in the context of BDSM power exchange — but can also apply even if you’re more on the vanilla side, too.

“Top is usually the person doing an action — being in charge, doing the tying, doing the spanking, or being physically on top, or going ‘into’ the other person’s body with a finger, tongue, dildo or penis. Top may or may not include being dominant or sadistic,” Midori explains.

“Bottom is the person who is receiving the actions: being spanked, poked, nipple-clamped, penetrated, or following the orders. Bottoming may or may not involve being submissive [all the time] either,” she adds.

Therefore, this is why, as Midori suggests, it always a good idea to ask a current or potential new partner what exactly they mean when they say: “I’m a submissive” or “I’m a bottom” — and really listen to their explanation, because all too often people make the mistake of assuming that expressing sexuality is a uniform experience or undertaking when this is not the case.

Additionally, Midori cautions against assuming that our sexual appetites for how we want to experience sexuality are set in stone: “Sometimes we get really stuck in the idea that ‘I am a top’ or ‘I am a bottom’ [but] don’t narrow yourself, paint yourself into a corner being attached to an identity; these are ‘appetites,’ not identities,” she explains.

As such, it is totally normal for your appetites to change or evolve over time — it’s merely human nature.

As Nordstrom says, “If you’re reading this, you may be developing a new appetite for submission in sex. This could be because your appetite for dominance has been more than sated, or because you have become curious what other possibilities sex could hold if you were to experiment.”

Exploring Sexual Submissiveness & Masculinity

If you’re curious about sexual submission but worried that your sexual partner(s) might see you as less manly if you’re not fulfilling the dominant archetype, that’s understandable. It’s normal to experience anxiety when we crave the acceptance of a partner and are not sure how they will react.

However, if you “zoom out” and look at the bigger picture, you can see where this anxiety is ultimately born from outdated social stigmas and sexist stereotypes of manhood and gender roles.

As Cunningham suggests, ask yourself a question: “First, whose values/definition of masculinity are you using to define your masculinity, and do you agree with that or is this something you have simply adopted without much reflection?”

Cunningham also notes that “many top leaders in positions of power like CEOs, or high-ranking military members for example, are drawn to submissive play because of the freedom, excitement, and healing that they can experience in moving outside of their ‘normal’ mode of operation as a leader or position of power.”

“Sex is a powerful way for us humans to cope and express parts of ourselves that we may struggle to access in our day-to-day lives,” he adds.

In other words, you could be the most powerful man in the world, with days filled with success and conquering, but at night you might find yourself wanting the release of surrendering to a partner who’ll be in control.

Kink and power exchange can be a great, temporary escape from reality and the baggage that comes with the performative roles we all play in mundane society.

In short, you are not “lessened” in the least by wanting to explore submission; being brave enough to admit your true desires and allowing yourself that opportunity means you can be enhanced by a new depth of connection and variety in your sex life.

How to Talk to a Partner About Your Submissive Desires

Ok, I want to explore: What are some ideas for communicating with my partner about my submissive desires and fantasies?

Assuming your breakfast conversation does not get particularly kinky, you might be in need of an “icebreaker” or two. Not to worry! There’s no need to make this terribly complicated or convoluted…

“Having a ‘catalyst event’ for bringing up the conversation can be an easy “in,” says Nordstrom. “You might say, ‘Hey, I was reading this magazine, and it made a suggestion about having positive, playful conversations about sex with your partner. I’d love to try it! Would you?’”

Or, Nordstrom adds, “Instead of springing your newfound submissive appetite onto your partner, consider trying to have a positive conversation about your whole sex life, and work the submissive appetite into the conversation.”

In other words, “zoom out” and share with your partner what you already really enjoy about being with them–and then ask them what they’re enjoying — and would like to try. This way, you both have the opportunity to be and feel heard.

As another “in,” Wiseman also suggests commenting on a book, movie, TV show or other piece of pop culture that depicts a D/s dynamic.

And notwithstanding submissive desires, having an understanding of your partner’s fantasy life can help you to better understand where they are coming from and what might excite them.

Nevertheless, it’s always good to remember that it totally is normal for someone to have sexual fantasies that they do not necessarily want to act out in real life—so never, ever take for granted the need to establish clear consent.

Now, if you and your partner already enjoy open communication about your sex life (yay!), then by all means go ahead with a straightforward Q&A session.

Midori suggests you ask your partner how they would like to feel in a dominant role.

“This isn’t about what toys to use or what you end up doing,” she explains. “This is about the core of [their] pleasure, leading to your hot submission. [Do they] want to feel adored, cruel, gentle, imperious, fickle, selfish, nurturing, powerful, or….? Then ask yourself how you want to feel: surrendered, willful, obedience, devotional, small, strong, enduing, obliterated, vulnerable, or…? And [then] find an overlap of emotional journey in your scene.”

Additionally, give yourself and your partner some grace, especially if you are navigating uncharted waters together.

“It is very common to have fear, uncertainty, confusion and many other challenging feelings in addition to excitement and curiosity when considering submissive exploration,” says Cunningham. “Do your best to name and even journal about your feelings and thoughts and to share these with your play partner so you can feel a greater sense of connection, understanding and ultimately intimacy.”

But remember: this erotic play time should also be a source of unabashed joy and delight; being open to the experience fuels the enthusiasm, Nordstrom says.

“When it comes to trying out any new sexual behavior, I have to remind my clients that sex is play!” she explains. “This means that it may be cumbersome, awkward, messy, confusing, or funny. But it shouldn’t be a job with an expected outcome. Going into new sexual scenarios in a curious mindset opens doors for anything to happen, instead of just focusing on one specific outcome.”

Best Practices for Exploring BDSM Submissiveness

According to Wiseman, good ‘best practices’ include getting adequate education and talking ahead of time about what will occur. In other words, sexual submission is not something you ever do (or expect your partner to do) ‘spontaneously,’ and certainly never under duress.

As with many other pursuits, when you are new to BDSM, it’s best to start slowly, as Nordstrom suggests: “My recommendation when partners are playing around with power dynamics is to always start slow, evaluate how different sexual acts are working, adapt behaviors as needed, and then go deeper into the dom/sub roles.”

“I cannot stress the importance of consent enough,” Nordstrom adds. “Creativity can take over when partners engage in BDSM. That said, it’s still VERY important to check in each time a new idea gets added to the sexual scenario. With consent comes trust (i.e., I believe you will ask me before you do something new to my body AND I believe you will tell me if I’ve done something that went too far).”

Nordstrom continues: “Safe words or actions are vital to any kink/BDSM scenario. Simple, easy to say words are best for safe words. “No” is not a good safe word, because, depending on the intensity of the scene, you may be begging your partner to stop when what you really want is for them to keep going.”

And this is where sexual submission can baffle outsiders.

“The funny thing is that in a power exchange relationship, the person who is in the submissive role is actually in a greater degree of control, because of their prior defining of their soft/hard boundaries and in their ability to create the play scene and rules with the dominant or master partner(s),” Cunningham explains.

As such, it is important to understand that the best BDSM scenes involve mutual collaboration between the submissive and the dominant well ahead of play time. If the power exchange feels one-sided or reluctant, then it’s really not a true exchange and the excitement is lost.

“Kink desires are much like appetites,” Midori says. “Creating a scene with your partner is like planning, cooking, and sharing that meal together. Even when you are surrendering in the scene, the creation is collaborative. Both of you have to like the ingredients and the whole meal for it to be fantastic.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What’s Your Kink?

— The nuanced world of BDSM

By Lucy Copp

Carol always knew something was “off” for her during sex.

“At one point I even thought I might have been asexual because I just wasn’t getting what other people would talk about all the time,” she told Larry Mantle on AirTalk, LAist 89.3’s daily news program.

It took Carol a long time to figure out that nothing was wrong with her, she just had a missing kink.

That kink? Spanking.

At 74 years old and 52 years into her marriage, Carol discovered she loves to be spanked.

“It just took a long time to figure this out because my access to computers and things were limited, and I just didn’t know,” she said. “I didn’t have the time to explore me!”

Her husband doesn’t necessarily have the same kink, but that hasn’t stopped him from leaning into his partner’s pleasure.

“He noticed every time we do this, how much happier I am. If I’m cranky or we’re fighting it will change the mood like an instant pill. We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year,” Carol said.

Kink may not be what you think

Legs in fishnet stocking and tied with knots
The art of Shibari

Kink and BDSM (Bondage-Discipline, Dominance-Submission, Sado-Masochism) conjure up certain images in popular culture. Take the Blockbuster hit 50 Shades of Gray, which delved into fantasies of violent sex in which Christian Grey, a handsome business man, wants his love interest to be submissive. While this is a common kink played out in private spaces, BDSM practitioners were quick to weigh in on all that was missing from the film’s depictions — communication, context, and most importantly, consent.

“We have two dominant paradigms around kink,” said Nora Last, owner of Double Mask Studio, a queer owned and operated Shibari studio located in downtown L.A. Shibari is a type of bondage practice (more on that further down).

A couple paradigms include “a slender guy in a suit and a girl in a dress kneeling in front of him,” or, Last continued, “a conventionally attractive woman in spiked heels and latex.”

“They’re lovely, but we’re really limiting ourselves and not giving ourselves enough credit if we stop imagining there,” said Last.

Finding your kink

A woman hangs from ropes
Nora Last at her studio Devil Mask Studios in DTLA

Kinks come in all styles and flavors. You’ve got your more common asphyxiation kink, also known as “breath play,” to your spitting kink, where two consenting adults enjoy spitting in each others mouths. Suffice to say, kinks run the gamut.

“What if we want to [explore kink] in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles?” Last said. “If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them.”

Like Carol, who discovered her kink for spanking at age 74, many people may have dormant kinks they haven’t yet realized.

“We have never laughed and joyed and played so much in 52 years than we have this past year.”— Carol in Palm Desert

This is something Jean Franzblau experienced. She’s an intimacy coordinator in the entertainment industry who wrote and stars in the one-woman play My Mother Doesn’t Know I’m Kinky.

a woman's headshot
Jean Franzblau

“I was shocked to find out I was a kinky woman,” Franzblau said.

After the end of a relationship, Franzblau said her sexuality “shut down.”

A woman in all black rehearsing for a play
Jean Franzblau performs her play “My Mother Doesn’t Know I’m Kinky”

“When I got out of it, I became dedicated, committed, to exploring for myself and finding my own sexual sovereignty,” she said.

With newly granted self-permission, Franzblau discovered that both sides of the dominance-submission coin were intriguing to her. Her exploration began with submission. When she found a partner interested in dominance, they had the necessary conversations about consent and negotiation.

“I thought I was going to have maybe a titillating experience, maybe I would learn something new,” she said. “Instead, I would consider it a spiritual experience. I wept. There was something in me that needed to surrender.”

For many folks, finding your kink is just the first step. The next step? Finding a safe space and people with whom to express it.

“What if we want to explore kink in a cozy onesie? Or outside of the white, hetero roles? If you’ve never seen yourself represented, you might not know how to explore them.” — Nora Last

Freeing your kink

Today, there are ample spaces that provide safe and playful settings for adults to explore their sexuality. One of those spaces is Nora Last’s studio in Downtown L.A. where the focus is on Shibari, the Japanese art of erotic bondage.

“We define it most broadly as rope bondage,” Last said, “Whether that is for sensation, whether that is for sexual gratification, and that references specific aesthetics and styles coming from Japanese rope bondage.”

Woman in Shibari on the beach
Nora Last on the beach practicing the erotic bondage art of Shibari

Shibari is one of the many styles of kink or eroticism that people can play with — play being the operative word.

“At its core, kink is about creating a container for intimacy. It can be sexual, emotional,” they said. “Creating a container for a focused, specific experience. It’s part of our core human desire.”

A San Francisco-based kink educator named Midori, whom Last admires, writes “BDSM is childhood joyous play, with adult sexual privilege, and cool toys.”

Last adds, “So much of it comes down to…why not? There’s a harsh dichotomy between kinky and vanilla, queer and hetero. It’s not as harsh of a line as we think it is.”

Therein lies the nuance. To be kinky or not to be kinky was never the question.

Woman swings in a park with a coffee in hand
Nora Last tied up in Shibari in a public park

Talking with partners

When it comes to kink, Franzblau’s hope for everyone in a partnership is that they can candidly talk about the places they connect and the places they don’t.

“Are we here to control each other or to encourage each other’s greatness or well-being?” Franzblau said.

She acknowledges that it can be totally heartbreaking when partners don’t see eye to eye. But, she adds, “What’s wonderful about this moment in time is that there are a lot of resources for navigating these extremely tricky conversations.”

For kink and BDSM communities that have been historically stigmatized, Franzblau and Last are two people among many trying to change that. Arguably, their most powerful and subversive statements? Their kinks.

NEW TO KINK? CHECK OUT THESE RESOURCES!

  • Sex Positive LA
    Sex-Positive Los Angeles is a non-profit organization that creates educational and social experiences around positive sexuality, identity, lifestyle, consent, and body-positivity for adults. We provide a chance to explore, learn, and grow in a safe, welcoming, and consensual environment through consensual touch events, workshops and discussion groups.
  • 910 WeHo
    A Queer and Alt Lifestyle, Friendly Community Space for All. BDSM Los Angeles kink dungeon.
  • Fet Life
    A popular Social Network for the BDSM, Fetish & Kinky Community.
  • Cuddle Sanctuary
    Social events to learn about and practice consent
  • My Mother Doesn’t Know I’m Kinky
    A one-woman show exploring the early childhood hints that she was wired differently and her bumpy, awkwardly arousing journey towards self-acceptance.
  • Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships
    Therapist Kate Loree—who has practiced non-monogamy since 2003, and who specializes in treating clients who also practice non-monogamy—pulls no punches as she uses vignettes based on her own life, as well as her clients’ experiences, to illustrate the highs, lows, and in-betweens of life as a consensual non-monogamist.
  • Plura App
    Plura is the go-to app for queer, sex+, growth-oriented, and alternative people to find their people.
  • ShibariStudy
    An online resource, rope-focused (as the name implies) but their consent classes are both very good and very broadly applicable.
  • Why Are People Into That?!
    A podcast hosted by sex-ed icon Tina Horn, a podcast dedicated to answering its titular question. Now also a book!
  • Safiya Darling
    a sexuality & consent educator based here in LA, Safiya speaks so effectively to the interplay of queerness, race, and kink
  • Devil Mask Studio
    particularly rope jams, they’re a low stress, semi-structured way to experience the space and connect with other interested folks
  • The Sexual Bucket List Workshop
    A virtual workshop to help you understand your sexual self

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Fascinating World of Yaoi Bondage

By Diego Rodrigues

Yaoi bondage is a subgenre of yaoi, a popular genre of Japanese manga and anime that focuses on romantic or sexual relationships between male characters. While bondage itself is a niche interest within the broader realm of BDSM, yaoi bondage adds a unique twist by exploring the dynamics of power, dominance, and submission in same-sex relationships. In this article, we will delve into the world of yaoi bondage, examining its origins, themes, and impact on both the LGBTQ+ community and the wider world of manga and anime.

The Origins of Yaoi Bondage

Yaoi, which originated in Japan in the 1970s, gained popularity in the 1980s and 1990s. It was initially created by and for women, providing an outlet for their fantasies and desires. Yaoi often features androgynous or feminine-looking male characters engaged in romantic or sexual relationships. The genre gained a dedicated following, both in Japan and internationally, and has since evolved to include various subgenres, including yaoi bondage.

The Influence of BDSM

Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism (BDSM) is a set of sexual practices and role-playing scenarios that involve consensual power exchange. BDSM has a long history and has been explored in various forms of media, including literature, art, and film. The influence of BDSM on yaoi bondage is evident, as it incorporates elements of dominance, submission, and restraint into the relationships depicted in the genre.

Themes in Yaoi Bondage

Yaoi bondage explores a range of themes and dynamics within same-sex relationships. While the primary focus is on power dynamics and the exploration of dominance and submission, there are several other recurring themes that are often present in yaoi bondage stories:

  • Trust and Consent: Consent and trust are crucial elements in any BDSM relationship, and yaoi bondage is no exception. The characters involved must establish a level of trust and consent to engage in the power dynamics depicted in the stories.
  • Emotional Intimacy: Yaoi bondage often delves into the emotional connection between the characters, exploring their vulnerabilities and desires. The power dynamics depicted in the genre can deepen the emotional bond between the characters.
  • Exploration of Taboos: Yaoi bondage pushes the boundaries of societal norms and explores taboo subjects. It allows readers to explore their own desires and fantasies in a safe and consensual manner.
  • Gender Roles and Identity: The androgynous or feminine appearance of the male characters in yaoi bondage challenges traditional gender roles and allows for a more fluid exploration of identity and sexuality.

The Impact of Yaoi Bondage

Yaoi bondage has had a significant impact on both the LGBTQ+ community and the wider world of manga and anime. Here are some key aspects of its impact:

Representation and Visibility

Yaoi bondage provides representation and visibility for LGBTQ+ individuals, particularly those interested in BDSM dynamics. By depicting same-sex relationships and exploring power dynamics, yaoi bondage helps to normalize and validate these experiences.

Exploration of Sexuality and Identity

Yaoi bondage allows readers to explore their own sexuality and identity in a safe and consensual manner. The genre provides a space for individuals to engage with their desires and fantasies, helping them to better understand themselves and their own preferences.

Artistic Expression and Creativity

Yaoi bondage has inspired countless artists and creators to explore new artistic styles and storytelling techniques. The genre’s popularity has led to the creation of a vast array of manga, anime, fan art, and doujinshi (self-published works) that push the boundaries of creativity and artistic expression.

Q&A

1. Is yaoi bondage only for women?

No, while yaoi was initially created by and for women, it has gained a diverse following that includes people of all genders and sexual orientations. The appeal of yaoi bondage extends beyond gender, as it explores themes of power dynamics and emotional connection that can resonate with a wide range of individuals.

2. Is yaoi bondage considered pornography?

Yaoi bondage can contain explicit sexual content, but it is not solely focused on pornography. The genre encompasses a wide range of stories, from romantic and emotional narratives to more explicit and erotic depictions. It is important to note that yaoi bondage, like any form of media, can be enjoyed for various reasons, including artistic appreciation, storytelling, and personal exploration.

3. Does yaoi bondage promote unhealthy power dynamics?

Yaoi bondage, like any form of media exploring power dynamics, should be approached with an understanding of consent and healthy relationships. It is essential to differentiate between fantasy and reality, recognizing that the power dynamics depicted in yaoi bondage are consensual and based on mutual trust and respect. It is crucial to apply these principles to real-life relationships and ensure that all parties involved are consenting and comfortable.

4. How has yaoi bondage influenced mainstream manga and anime?

Yaoi bondage has had a significant influence on mainstream manga and anime, particularly in terms of character design, storytelling techniques, and the exploration of LGBTQ+ themes. Many popular manga and anime series have incorporated elements of yaoi bondage or explored similar power dynamics in their narratives, broadening the representation of diverse relationships and identities within the medium.

5. Are there any controversies surrounding yaoi bondage?

As with any form of media that explores sexuality and power dynamics, yaoi bondage has faced its share of controversies. Some critics argue that it perpetuates harmful stereotypes or promotes unrealistic expectations of relationships. However, it is important to approach these discussions with nuance and recognize that yaoi bondage, like any genre, can vary greatly in its portrayal of relationships and power dynamics.

Summary

Yaoi bondage is a fascinating subgenre within the world of yaoi that explores power dynamics, dominance, and submission in same-sex relationships. It originated in Japan and has gained popularity worldwide, providing representation and visibility for LGBTQ+ individuals interested in BDSM dynamics. Yaoi bondage allows readers to explore their own desires and fantasies in a safe and consensual manner, while also pushing the boundaries of artistic expression and storytelling. While controversies and debates surround the genre, it remains an important part of the manga and anime landscape, broadening the representation of diverse relationships and identities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Curious about kink?

— Here are some low-key ideas for sexual play

Don’t be afraid to explore

By Mia Erickson

Not sure where to start when it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom? Don’t be discouraged. Here’s how one viral TikTok expert suggests approaching sexual play, breaking down kink for beginners.

Kinks, fetishes and wild sexual fantasies are more often than not surrounded by a haze of misinformation, shame and secrecy. However, according to one historical author, sexual play has long been a crucial part of society.

Sharing her fascinating research with the world, author Esmé Louise James has become a TikTok sensation, boasting over 2.4 million followers, and earning a spot on the platform’s top one per cent of creators. Unmasking the fantasies and bedroom proclivities of some of history’s most prominent figures, James’ content continues to captivate her constantly growing audience.

Joining Felicity Harley, host of the Healthy-ish podcast, James breaks the fascinating world of kink, from its historical roots to today’s contemporary interpretations. Unpacking the importance of sexual exploration, the pair break down some of the stigma still attached, discussing some simple yet effective kink practices for beginners.

The history of kink

You don’t need a PhD to recognise just how XX our interpretation of all things sex has been throughout history. With every new era and cultural transformation, we seem to backtrack and reject the attitudes of late, either wholeheartedly embracing our sexuality as a society, or dismissing its relevance completely.

“Kink is generally defined as any sexual behaviour that sits outside of normal, and our definition of that can change over time,” explains James. “I guess we would define it now as anything outside of vanilla sex.”

Fluid and ever-changing, our sexual preferences and habits can’t be so easily labelled, meaning defining kink depends entirely on the context. According to the history buff, kink practices things that we would find very shocking today have existed for as long as we’ve had a human history.

“One of my favourite ones is that in the 17th century, flagellation and strangulation became so popular in England that they actually had to put laws in place because people were becoming harmed at brothels and in houses by spanking,” explains the author. “It became known as the ‘English vice’, and this was spread across Europe.”

The biggest misconceptions surrounding common sexual practices

Reflecting on the vast and ever-changing sexual landscape throughout history, James urges people to consider how their own contexts and personal histories may have influenced their comprehension of kink practices. She says in order to truly embrace and understand kink practices, one must steer the conversation away from intercourse, instead exploring the idea of pleasure and experience.

“One thing we often look over is the importance of imagination in sexual experience as well, especially for women,” the author explains. “And my God, the amount of times that we’re in the bedroom and our head is thinking about a million different other things, ‘what are we going to cook for dinner?’ ‘Have we done the laundry?’, all of these kinds of things that we’re running a million miles an hour.”

“So being able to engage the imagination in the bedroom I think is one of the easiest but most overlooked aspects of intimate experiences with someone,” she adds.

How to bring kink into the bedroom

If you’re curious about exploring the world of kink or feel like adding a bit of spice to your usual bedroom antics could pay off for you and your partner, James says it’s important not to overcomplicate matters. She suggests starting with safe, simple sensory exploration, explaining that closing down on sense, such as wearing a blindfold, can heighten and stimulate your body’s other responses.

More Coverage

“Just one of you putting on a blindfold and experimenting with feeling things like feathers or silk or other things on your body, that is technically a kink because it deviates from vanilla sex,” says James. “It’s something that I think is a nice, easy access point for people to start experimenting with different sensual behaviours in the bedroom.”

But if feathers and blindfolds don’t quite scratch the itch for you, the TikTok-famous historian says it might be worth turning to the past for some inspiration.

“I always say to people, you know, if you’re looking to spice things up, what’s the best thing to do? Go and read some pornography from the 1800s,” says James. “Honestly, read about what people were doing and practising back hundreds of years ago, and weirdly enough, I think it normalises experimentations for us now.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Want To Spice Up Your Sex Life?

— Here’s How

By Krati Mehra

Long-term relationships are a beautiful part of our lives, but with the reliability and trust that comes with such intimacy, so too comes predictability. Like any aspect of a relationship, the sexual side of our relationships change with time, and what was once hot and heavy can be reduced almost to a habit or another chore to tick off the list.

As much as we need the security of steady love, we also like to feel attractive—like we’re still alluring enough to excite our partner, even after many years of companionship. More importantly, a healthy and fulfilling sex life is integral to the emotional and physical bonding between partners.

When the sexual aspect of a romantic relationship hits a slump, spicing things up in (or outside) the bedroom can help rekindle that old flame.

Why it’s important to prioritize a fulfilling sex life

Prioritizing a fulfilling sex life is not simply about caring for different relationship aspects; Satisfying sex establishes a synchronicity between two individuals. It guards the shared trust and understanding, ensuring the longevity and resilience of the romantic bond.

Results of a study1 published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicate that the shared moments of passion, even ones limited to cuddling, kissing, and caressing, create deep feelings of love and affection.

“A healthy and fulfilling sex life helps create a deep emotional connection, nurtures intimacy, and builds a unique bond that is both private and profound,” explains psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito, adding, “Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship exhibit better communication, reduced stress, and a heightened sense of overall well-being.”

Research2 also shows that healthy sexual relationshipd create a safe emotional boundary for sharing desires, preferences, and concerns, leading to open and honest communication—another pillar critical for healthy relationships.

“Pleasure and orgasms release oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone, which not only bonds us to our partner but also reduces stress,” notes sex and relationship therapist, Leigh Norén. This biochemical process creates a positive feedback loop, enhancing trust in the relationship.

A satisfying sex life can also create a fertile ground for healthy conflict resolution, cementing and safeguarding the shared understanding and trust between the two people.

And, as confirmed by several studies 3, a satisfying sex life also enhances the health and wellbeing of both people. “Regular sexual activity can positively affect physical health, from improved heart health to reduced pain sensitivity,” psychiatrist and professor Ryan Sultan M.D. tells mindbodygreen.

How to tell it’s time to spice things up

Despite the impact that gratifying sex has on both individual wellbeing and the health of a romantic relationship, sometimes even the most loving relationships can fall into a sexual rut.

“It’s when sex becomes a routine rather than an exploration, a task rather than a joy,” remarks Prihandito. And this can happen for a number of reasons—lack of privacy, work or life stress, health issues, or a temporary shift in priorities—but a sexual rut can become an indicator of more significant problems when there is an underlying emotional disconnect or unaddressed conflict between partners.

“Sexual issues become red flags when accompanied by emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or unresolved conflicts. Sex is often a mirror of the health of the relationship. If the reflection reveals disconnection or discontent, it’s a clear sign of deeper underlying issues that need your attention,” says Prihandito.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Veronica Cisneros LMFT, if a couple has always struggled with physical intimacy, or if there are resentment and unresolved conflicts negatively impacting the emotional connection, the bedroom problems may be symptoms of a more significant issue.

“A good way to determine this is if one or both partners are guilty of using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in times of conflict. These are what the Gottman’s call the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they’re Gottman’s predictors of divorce,” she adds.

However, if the relationship is generally healthy, with both partners feeling emotionally connected, it may simply be time to revitalize their intimate moments.

Signs of a sexual rut

A sexual rut happens in most long-term relationships where comfort and familiarity can dull the sexual spark. Signs that it may be time to spice things up:

  • Complete absence of any and all sexual exchange between the partners
  • An increasing disinterest in sexual intimacy from both parties and lengthening intervals between sexual encounters
  • Post-sex, there is a sense of dissatisfaction, whether sexual, emotional, or physical
  • There is a lack of spontaneity. Like any other regularly scheduled chore, it happens on the same day of the week, at the same time, and in the same place, most probably the bedroom
  • Even as you get intimate, there is an emotional distance with little to no eye contact, shared laughter, tender attentiveness, and no lingering post-coital
  • The intimate experiences lack novelty. It’s the same position every time. The progression and pace are uninspired, leading to an encounter that feels almost scripted
  • You’re not fully present during intimacy, with your thoughts straying towards daily chores or future plans
  • You are having erotic fantasies about someone other than your partner
  • A decline in relationship satisfaction accompanied by a noticeable emotional distance
  • Sex happens not out of an active desire, but as an obligation or to keep up the facade of normalcy
  • Frequent reminiscing over past sexual encounters and longing to repeat the experience
  • No open, exciting discussions around sexual desires, fantasies, and needs
  • You feel unattractive and wonder if your partner is still invested in the relationship

How to spice up your sex life

Let’s dive into some creative solutions to spicing up your sex life. To some extent, each method requires stepping away from your comfort zone. However, the strategies are also respectful and suitable for a loving relationship.

1. Open and honest sexual communication

A 2019 study4 from The Journal of Sex Research shares that communication about sexual matters is vital to cultivating and maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic. Often, sexual issues happen because the couple is reluctant to openly express their sexual needs.

Sexual communication involves sharing sexual preferences and boundaries, desired sexual activities, and past sexual experiences. When partners are convinced they can safely talk about sex and related experiences, good or bad, with each other, it positively impacts sexual and relationship satisfaction.

“Make time to talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires, needs, and fantasies. Pay attention to any insecurities or fears you have about communicating. This open dialogue is crucial for understanding what you and your partner need to feel fulfilled in the bedroom,” Cisneros advises.

And as sex and relationship coach, and professor of sexual and relational communication Tara Suwinyattichaiporn Ph.D., notes, sexual communication can also help when age begins to interfere with performance. “Talking openly about desires and when they change can create a better understanding of each other’s sexuality,” she says.

2. Explore different positions

“Just like you add various spices to keep your meals exciting, you need to do the same for your sex life,” says Cisneros. Forget about missionary, experiment with different sexual positions—it will break the monotony and help you escape the sexual rut.

Certain positions can allow for deeper penetration, clitoral and prostate stimulation, and G-spot engagement, leading to heightened pleasure during sex. The more challenging positions will allow you to explore your partner’s body as if for the first time. This heightened physical awareness may also lead to renewed feelings of closeness and intimacy.

As you plan new positions to try, the vibe between you will shift. It will have an element of anticipation, excitement, and playfulness. It will go from routine to thrilling

3. Dive into the world of BDSM

To really shake things up and add new, intriguing layers to your relationship, try BDSM. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that those who enjoy BDSM are socially well-adjusted. BDSM also has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction.

It is an exciting way for partners to explore their limits and boundaries, venture into new sensual territories, and experience a level of physical and psychological stimulation that’s very different from what you get from traditional sexual activities.

Due to its nature, to indulge in BDSM, couples have to trust each other and communicate actively. There is an intentional vulnerability to BDSM, deepening the emotional connection between the partners. As you explore new fantasies, scenarios, and avenues of sexual expression, the romantic bond between the two people comes alive with excitement and a pulsing anticipation that can completely reinvigorate the relationship.

4. Try a new location

You can switch things up by having sex in a location other than the bedroom. For your next intimate encounter, consider booking a hotel room. You could also have sex in your car or in different places in your house.

For an added thrill, you can try sex in a public place. As long as you’re safe and not at any risk of getting arrested, the element of danger can make things very exciting.

5. Restart your relationship

Act as if you are once again courting your partner. Rekindle the sexual spark by returning to a time in your relationship when each day was about some new, exciting discovery. There was flirting, teasing, and the thrill of anticipation.

“At the beginning of a relationship, we passionately and intensely pursue our partners to attract them,” couples therapist Kimberlin Shepard, LMSW tells mindbodygreen. “If you once wore lingerie all the time, dig it back out! Plan date nights. Get all dolled up, go out to drinks, dinner, or a movie, and then come home and have steamy, hot sex,” she adds.

Engage in playful banter and give lavish compliments. Remind your partner that to you, there is no one more attractive. Rebuild comfort by showing physical affection and indulging in non-sexual touch.

6. Watch erotic movies together

“Taking inspiration from pornography or erotica can be a great way to spice things up,” says Norén. As you sit through an erotic movie, you will feel yourselves getting aroused, and as the film progresses, the sexual tension will escalate. When you turn off the TV, the tension will be released in an explosive, passionate, and fiery union.

7. Use sex toys

Studies indicate that using vibrators can enhance sexual satisfaction for both partners. For men, vibrators can also boost sexual performance, while for women, they make it easier to orgasm.

There are a variety of other sex toys available on the market that can enhance sexual experiences. The toys can be part of BDSM practices or role-playing scenarios. Apart from fun and excitement, planning the use of sex toys also leads to more focused sexual communication.

8.Try a sensual massage

Sensual massage can be a powerful tool to reconnect with your partner physically and, once again, explore their body with intent and focus. The stroking touch not only soothes but also stimulates.

Soft music in the background, sweet-smelling incense, dim lighting, and no interruptions can combine to create a sanctuary free from all stress and distraction, and suddenly, your world narrows to your partner and the pleasure you can share. As you massage your partner, it reminds you of how much you’ve always enjoyed caring for them, and you will be mentally relieving fond memories.

9. Play sex-related games

Bring fun back to your relationship through games focused on sex.

As you try to reestablish your sexual connection, begin with moments of friendship and shared laughter. It will remove all the stress and maybe even inhibitions if you’re playing strip poker or sexual truth and dare. You can also try couple’s cards, board, and dice games easily available on the market.

“Create small challenges or dares for each other to make it exciting. Ask your partner to identify things you are currently doing that drive them crazy in the bedroom. Ask them what feels good and what they want more of,” Cisneros advises.

10. Wear lingerie

A visual and tactical stimulant, lingerie can reignite passion in a relationship. It creates anticipation as it teases and tantalizes your partner.

Wearing lingerie can make you feel confident and alluring, making it easier to be bold and not only ask for what you want sexually but also deliver on your partner’s expectations. It is more than just a piece of clothing; It’s symbolic of your commitment to making things better and an invitation to a deeper sexual connection.

11. Practice spiritual sex

A way to completely step away from your usual practice is by combining sex with spirituality. It will enhance emotional and sexual closeness and elevate your connection to something sacred that demands respect and careful nourishment.

You can practice spiritual sex by cleansing the sexual environment. Begin by removing all clutter so energy flows freely, light incense to create positivity, use light colors for the bedding and, if possible, also for the walls and the decor. Let the natural elements, like sunlight and fresh air, enter the space.

Initiate intimacy by anointing each other’s bodies with oil. Make sacred vows and renew your commitment to each other. Indulge in mindful lovemaking with steady eye contact. Move at a slow, gentle pace. Touch each other with reverence. Together, these steps will add more emotional depth to the sexual exchange, forging an emotional bond that goes beyond the physical act of love.

12. Merge creativity and adventure with sex

Infuse elements of spontaneity, adventure, and novelty in your sexual moments.

Engaging in activities that raise adrenaline levels, like bungee jumping, roller coaster rides, or even workout challenges, can mimic the physiological arousal of sexual excitement, and when you experience them together, they increase the sexual attraction between a couple. Sex that follows such events is usually more heated and exciting.

Similarly, you can break the mold of predictability and routine through creative activities like sex paintings and by drawing temporary tattoos on each other’s bodies.

13. Try the sexual thrill of role-play

We all have characters we love and wish to emulate, which can be the key to adding some adventure and excitement to your sex life. As part of role play, we can assume a persona that either excites us or our partner, create exciting scenarios, and meet up with our significant other as if for the first time. When you shed your actual identity, you also leave behind your inhibitions and the stress that is so much a part of your daily life. Pretending to be someone else creates a sense of safety, allowing you to enact fantasies you’ve never shared with your partner.

This form of imaginative engagement helps partners see each other in a new light, discovering aspects of one another’s character that adds new dimensions to their sexual attraction. The thrill of being someone else adds to the sexual tension, making intimacy more charged and exhilarating.

14. Experiment with temperature play

Temperature play is an erotic practice that uses heat or cold to stimulate the body. It is a form of sensory play that introduces a variety of new physical sensations to sex. You can use heated oils, ice cubes, and massage candles. Specially designed toys are also available; these toys can be chilled or heated.

Switching from cold to hot can surprise the partner and stimulate nerves, increasing sensitivity. Such sexual play requires mutual trust, communication, and an open mind. These create a sense of shared adventure and exploration by leading the couple away from their comfort zones.

15. Combine food and sex

As part of foreplay, enhance the sensory experience by using edible items. Your items’ different tastes, textures, and aromas can stimulate the senses and add a layer of excitement and freshness to a sexual experience.

During the act, you can feed each other and experiment with temperature using chilled fruits or warm chocolate. You can also use edible underwear or paint. Such erotic practices encourage partners to be fully present as they engage with their partners and create some exciting new memories.

16. Create a sexual wish list

Create a list of sexual things, fantasies, kinks and experiences you want to explore. It can be anything from trying a new position, location, or toy to something more adventurous like role-playing, temperature play, or joining a nude retreat. The act of discussing and creating the list can be pretty arousing. It will improve communication and shift each partner’s perception of their relationship and each other. It will also introduce new and exciting possibilities for their future together.

On a more practical level, a sexual bucket list can serve as a roadmap that will create momentum and keep you going on this journey to a better sex life.

17. Try sensory deprivation

In sensory deprivation sex, by restricting one or more senses, you amplify the pleasure received from the senses that remain active. For instance, if you blindfold your partner and deprive them of visual stimulation, they’ll fully tune into their environment and what they can feel happening to and around their body. Every touch will be unexpected, heightening the thrill and anticipation. They will feel each whisper, kiss, lick, and stroke more intensely. While they’re blindfolded, you can also use objects like oils, feathers, or toys like vibrators to stimulate your partner. It will keep them on tenterhooks, trying to guess what will follow.

“It’s a journey of rediscovery, where vulnerability meets creativity, and intimacy is reimagined,” says Prihandito.

Through sensory deprivation, you can ensure your partner’s attention remains centered on you. Use tools like blindfolds, headphones, and restraints to limit your partner’s sight, sound, or movement, adding excitement to the encounter and fostering a deeper trust between partners.

18. Indulge in extended foreplay

Foreplay involves exploring your partner, expressing your desire for them, and building sexual tension, all adding more nuance to intimate moments. It is all about affectionate exchanges, sharing desires and fantasies, making out, and going only so far and no more. It prepares the body and mind and sets an emotional stage for a deeper sexual connection. This lazy exploration helps in understanding what excites and pleases each partner.

“Remember, not all forms of physical intimacy lead to sex, but they can create an atmosphere of sensuality. Cuddle, hold hands and exchange massages. This physical closeness can create a natural segue into sexual intimacy,” Cisneros tells mindbodygreen.

Extended foreplay can go on for days, whipping the partners into a sexual frenzy. It can include sexting, teasing with seductive lingerie, ‘accidental’ touches that are anything but, raunchy messages, and dirty talk. The couple can also indulge in erotic games. This prolonged phase of intimate interaction makes partners more receptive and responsive during the act. It allows you to savor each moment and revel in the undercurrent of attraction and arousal.

19. Establish a deeper emotional connection

“Strengthening emotional intimacy can enhance the connection in the bedroom,” says Sultan.

Repair your sexual relationship by rekindling your emotional bond. Make yourself vulnerable. Allow your partner to see into your heart by openly and honestly sharing your feelings, hopes, and dreams for their future as a couple. Invite them to speak their mind and share their feelings. Listen attentively and with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to draw them out.

Show them appreciation for the love and laughter they have brought into your life. “Regularly expressing gratitude can create a positive emotional environment, which can be incredibly freeing sexually,” shares Cisneros.

You can even revisit your old haunts and recreate moments of emotional significance to your partner. Emotional closeness will allow for a more relaxed and intimate exploration of each other’s bodies and desires, leading to a more satisfying and adventurous sex life.

20. Work with a professional

If none of the strategies proves helpful or seems to not be to your taste or violate any of your boundaries, it is best to work with a sex therapist, counselor, or coach. It is especially helpful if your partner resists attempts to improve the relationship.

Besides providing tools, techniques, and guidance to repair your sexual connection, an experienced professional can help you identify if the sexual rut is pointing to a more profound relationship issue.

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Can Kink Help You Let Go of Shame and Anxiety in the Bedroom?

— Folding in kink and BDSM play can help soothe anxious feelings and release shame.

By Jackie Lam

Key Points

  • Kink and BDSM may help alleviate anxiety, release shame and boost creativity.
  • Go slow. Learn the ropes of kink before you dive in.
  • It doesn’t have to look like “Fifty Shades of Grey.” There are other options, including safer ones that may be easier for beginners.

Common depictions of kink and BDSM, or bondage, discipline and sado-masochism, include latex, whips and flogging devices. These popularized notions of kink and BDSM culture are mainstream thanks to cultural phenomena such as “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

But kink has a much broader range of options—and it doesn’t have to involve a ball gag. Many women struggling with feelings of shame and anxiety experience challenges letting go in the bedroom. Here’s how kink could help.

How can kink help reduce anxiety?

In Norway, roughly 38 percent of people have experimented with a kinky activity during sex, suggested a 2021 study. Kink is more common than we may think, and it could have some unexpected potential health benefits.

Grounding techniques, meditation and spending time in nature can help you gain control of anxiety. There’s one avenue, though, that not everyone knows can help reduce anxiety—and it starts in the bedroom.

BDSM sex may help, as kink can potentially generate flow and transient hypofrontality, or the need for the brain to think, suggested a 2022 study.

What are the different types of sexual shame?

Sexual shame is a particular form of shame characterized by feelings of humiliation or disgust around one’s own identity and sexuality, according to a 2017 study.

Feelings of shame are made up of three main parts:

  1. Relationship sexual shame. This has to do with interpersonal relationships and feelings involving others.
  2. Internalized shame. Feelings of humiliation, disgust or abnormality are sometimes expressed as bodily shame.
  3. Sexual inferiority. Feeling as if you’re not meeting your sexual expectations, often due to societal norms and cultural expectations, can result in shame.

What are the origins of sexual shame?

Where do shameful feelings about sex come from? The answer is complex and varies between people, but there are common sources.

Sexual shame can stem from several places and may be due to the following factors, said Maria “Two-Straps” Hintog, an EDSE sex educator based in Los Angeles:

  • Culture
  • Gender norms
  • Gender roles
  • Gender expectations
  • Social settings
  • Religion and the church

“A lot of the shame comes from our upbringing and our past experiences because, especially as kids, we’re absorbing gender norms and the cultural norms and what you’re not supposed to do,” Hintog said.

Those childhood experiences shape our future selves. These feelings can lead to anxiety for some people.

“So we’re told not to do something, but we don’t know why. We just absorb that information. And then, as we grew older, we’re like, ‘Why is this bad? Nobody told me why it’s bad. They just told me it is,'” Hintog said.

What is the difference in sexual shame between men and women?

Men scored far higher than women on suppressing their sexual desire, suggested a 2023 study. However, there wasn’t much difference between the two genders when it came to sexual desire or sexual shame.

There wasn’t a dramatic difference in cognitive reappraisal, which has to do with changing how a person thinks about a particular situation in the bedroom. Many of us grow up in homes that discourage talking about sex, power and consent, said Mistress Amanda Wildefyre, a professional dominatrix based in Minneapolis.

“Some of us have been taught that it’s wrong to want experiences that don’t match up with our gender or that only certain types of people can enjoy sex,” Wildefrye said.

How can kink help women express desires and set boundaries?

“Engaging in kink/BDSM is a multi-edged sword—in a good way,” Wildefyre said. “These alternative practices ask us to learn to communicate our desires, negotiate expectations and express enthusiastic consent with our partners. BDSM play also encourages us to recognize and reflect on our physical and emotional reactions during and after intimacy.” By following a safe and consensual framework, kink and BDSM can offer the built-in reward of satisfaction and affirmation of our unique desires, which may lead to a reduction of shame and anxiety over time, Wildefyre said.

“When you’re doing those things in that controlled environment, sometimes that’s enough to remind the person that it’s okay,” Hintog said. “‘I’m safe. I don’t have any further repercussions from this.'”

How can kink help you feel safe with the right partner?

A controlled environment, boundaries and aftercare can play into creating a safe space. These feelings of safety can help release bouts of anxiety and shame. “Kink/BDSM play offers a template for clear communication about likes and dislikes, compatibility and expectations,” Wildfyre said. “Safewords give us an explicit language to indicate when we need a pause or would like the action to stop.” Healing can occur during aftercare—the emotional, mental, spiritual and physical caretaking aspects after a sexual experience.

“When you’re with a partner you trust, that aftercare builds connection and intimacy,” Two-Straps said. “And it tells your brain, ‘We did this scary thing in a controlled environment, and now we’re safe.'”

How can kink help you relax and transform shame?

At its best, kink/BDSM offers a narrative-changing context for pleasure and approval for the parts of ourselves we have been made to feel ashamed of, Wildfyre said.

As a teenager, Wildfyre was teased relentlessly for being “too tall.” When she started playing with female dominance, her height became an asset. An athletic, cis-gendered masculine-expressing male, for example, might feel more comfortable indulging in being submissive, something for which they may have previously been ashamed.

BDSM activities indicated reductions in psychological stress and an increase in a mental state linked to heightened creativity, indicated a 2016 study.

Where can you go to learn more about kink and BDSM?

If you’re keen on exploring kink, Hintog suggested relying on reputable sources. Immerse yourself in BDSM 101. Find local meetup groups or sign up for workshops to build community with like-minded people.

See if there are reputable dungeons, or safe areas for BDSM, near you. When exploring kink with a partner, it’s important to negotiate boundaries and consent, explained Hintog. Kinky scenes can involve physical, psychological and emotional risk. “Education, making friends and building community are a great way to start,” Hintog said. “That way, you’re learning as much as you can.”

Let your kinky side emerge at a pace you’re comfortable with.

“If in a relationship, you can introduce a few new things at a time and explore together, which is very bonding and playful when done with a loving partner,” said Charlynn Ruan, Ph.D., a California-based clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology Group. “If single, there are workshops and events where you can go and observe before getting involved.”

The bottom line

If you’re new to kink and the BDSM world, have realistic expectations, Wildfyre said. Kink and BDSM play may have a unique array of potential benefits, from alleviating shame and anxiety to boosting creativity, but don’t rush the learning process.

“Even though you may have had kinky fantasies all your life, it will take some time and a bit of compromise to bring your explorations to the real world,” Wildfyre said.

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My Night At A Queer Rope-Bondage Class

— It was intimate in unexpected ways.

By Jillian Angelini

On a random Wednesday night, my girlfriend and I find ourselves sitting in a warmly lit Brooklyn apartment surrounded by suspension hooks and bundles of rope. We waited in nervous silence for the Queer Rope Bondage 101 workshop to begin.

I’d recently stumbled across the Instagram account @FreaksnotCreeps, New York City-based rope artist Liv’s visual diary of rope suspension and deviant bondage imagery. As a curious queer, I was hesitant but highly intrigued to know more. I learned that rope bondage is a form of shibari, also known as kinbaku, that originates from Japan. In modern Western culture, the stereotype of an older man tying a skinny, flexible white woman is widespread, but from festivals to meet-ups, there’s actually a thriving, diverse queer rope-bondage community around the world.

After watching a few videos about rope on YouTube, I was curious about taking one of Liv’s workshops with my girlfriend; it seemed safer to try this with professional guidance. Although the idea of attempting something totally new was nerve-wracking, the idea of learning alongside fellow freaky gays eased our anxiety.

Instead of the harsh hues of red and black that I’d expected, the studio had dim lighting and plenty of plants. The other people in the class were cool. I presumed the other participants might look Goth, with head-to-toe leather, piercings, and tattoos — instead, one arrived in Maison Margiela Mary Janes. I would never have picked any of them off the street to be even the slightest bit interested in rope, but it was exciting to be wrong. We had yet to even begin class, and I already had my first takeaway from the night: Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Liv is a self-identifying sadomasochist and pervert with blunt bangs and a soft smize. They began class by explaining that their goal is to create a queer safe space within rope bondage that isn’t intimidating and doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual. While rope can get serious down the road, Liv’s beginner class would be solely sweet and cute. This felt like a breath of fresh air; I’d been anxious about being rushed into a rough practice that didn’t resonate with me. I was ready to learn.

I learned to like letting go and being the one to feel.

We each began by untangling a long bundle of rope and practiced self-tying with the single-column tie, the most versatile and simple knot. Next, we tried the double-column version. As I maneuvered from my calves to my thighs to my waist, I started to get the hang of it. Once my beginner’s frustration of figuring out the knots wore off, I could tune into how the rope felt on my body. It was coarse and harsh, but in a relaxing way. Everything around me paused, and my main focus became the tenderness of the twisted fibers on my legs.

Once we were somewhat confident in our self-tying abilities, my girlfriend and I began tying on each other. It was intimate and nerve-wracking at the same time. We were touching each other in ways we never had before, and the tightness of the rope was unfamiliar but strangely calming. The energy in the room was uplifting as everyone around me was focusing on tying their partners. I felt so safe in a queer space; there was no judgment to be found but instead an uplifting feeling of all-togetherness. I loved seeing people tied up alongside me. We’d just met, but we were all enjoying an intimate experience with one another.

I joined the class with the intention of using my new skills on my girlfriend. She has always expressed interest in restriction on various parts of her body, and I enjoyed the idea of being the restrictor. However, when she started practicing on me, I had no choice but to comply. It turned out to be an uncomfortable thrill. I learned to like letting go and being the one to feel.

During the class, we all talked about how disconnected we felt from our own bodies in our daily lives. According to Liv, although tying is often thought of in a sexual context, it can also be a way to connect with yourself or a friend. For this reason, Liv encourages people to come to class alone or with a group. Although I plan to continue to use rope bondage sexually, I enjoy the idea of practicing new knots as a form of self-care.

If you’re curious about tying, too, let me pass along a few tips from Liv: Communication and trust are pre-requisites. You know you’ve tied rope tightly enough if you try to sit down and your knees can’t meet your ankles. Keep a pair of safety scissors around just in case.

I’m grateful I didn’t let my nerves get the best of me. The experience taught me that the “scary” and “intense” stereotypes of the BDSM world aren’t universal. Tying can be gentle and kind, something to create connection of all types — with yourself, friends, or sexual partners. I left the class with a fun new hobby and a charge on my credit card for my very own bundle of rope.

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How to explore kink safely

— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…

By Alice Porter

If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.

And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.

With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.

If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.

But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.

What is kink?

Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).

You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.

The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.

Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?

Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.

“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.

Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.

“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”

How to stay safe when exploring kink

Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.

1. Have a proper conversation about consent

It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.

This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.

2. Take things slowly

Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.

“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”

When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.

3. Keep things clean

If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.

Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.

4. Use safe words

A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.

“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.

5. Remember aftercare

One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.

If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guy’s Guide to Embracing Your Inner Submissive

— Giving up control can be really, really fun

The turn-on can also be about challenging the social order

By Gigi Engle

In order to get down and play with submission, you have to relinquish the societal norms of “masculinity.” Being submissive means relishing in surrendering, relaxing and being turned on by not being the one in charge during sex. It’s a chance to let go and capitulate.

And this scares people a whole lot. Many men want to embrace and enjoy this side of themselves but are worried about the social implications of handing over their power to a partner. It can feel too vulnerable, even when it’s something you desire very badly.

Why is it so frightening to want to embrace your inner sub as a cis dude? In short, toxic masculinity. “Somehow, still in the year 2023, many people consider subbing to be a feminine activity, so men are ashamed to explore a submissive side sexually,” explains Zachary Zane, the author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. “They think it makes them ‘less of a real man.’”

Suffice to say, this is ridiculous. You’re not “less manly” just because you want to get pegged, tied up or slapped while in the sack. In fact, the men who are able to embrace their sexual desires and have the confidence to explore are the ones showing true masculinity. To be that secure is sexy as hell.

If being submissive is something you’ve been wanting to try, you’re in really good company. It’s totally normal, fun and hot to want to get into this role. The key is embracing it is to create an experience that feels right and pleasurable for you and your partner(s). You may have a clear idea of how you see your submissive role, or you may not right now — and that’s okay! Here is everything you need to know about submission in sex, and how you can play with it in a way that feels authentic to you.

What Is a Submissive?

Before being able to be submissive, it’s important to be clear about what a submissive is and what this role entails. The role can manifest in many different ways, depending on the people involved in the play. But Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (gender and sexual relationship diversity), tells us that “the essential core concept of submission is about intentional power exchange with a partner.”

The power exchange with submission can take place in vanilla/non-kinky sex if one partner is being submissive to the other, but usually when we refer to this dynamic, we’re talking about BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism). The submissive role is one half of a dominant/submissive (D/s) role play. The submissive hands over their power (with enthusiastic consent) to the dominant partner. “By granting the dominant their power, the submissive increases the dominant’s power over them,” Criss says. “It’s a gift that requires self-awareness and trust.”

The range of D/s activities is truly limitless, but Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert, tells us that some typical play may include “being dominated, restrained and controlled.” The sub may derive sexual pleasure from these activities, but not all D/s play involves sex.

What Exactly Is a Praise Kink?

The Appeal of Being Submissive During Sex

The reason people enjoy submission is rooted in giving up control. Criss tells us that for cis men specifically, the turn-on can be about challenging the social order. “Cis-het menfolk are traditionally expected to have greater agency and power in their social roles,” she says. Through submission, you can subvert these roles and embrace a side of yourself that isn’t traditionally expected (or accepted) of you. And the taboo nature of this is freakin’ hot.

Zane says that it’s also about simply being able to relax and not think for a hot minute. “This is especially true for overthinkers or high-powered professionals who manage a team and have to make a ton of decisions,” he says. “When you sub, you don’t need to decide anything. You simply do as you’re told. It can be very freeing.”

Lastly, the appeal of being a submissive can be plain old fun. Giving up your power in a trusting way to a dom partner and engaging in agreed-upon activities that you enjoy is a good time. “Being a sub is also associated with elements of physical pleasure that you typically don’t experience while domming,” Zane says. For example, you may like the sensation of being spanked, slapped or receiving anal stimulation when you sub. It’s a change-up.

Four Expert-Approved Tips to Play With Being the Submissive in a Safe Way

If you’re feeling inspired (and we hope you are), here’s what you can do to let your inner submissive run wild.

Do Some Research First

The first step is to take some personal time to think about your desires and limits. This takes a bit of research. “Self-awareness is essential to this kind of play because it enables partners to communicate in the creation of their dynamic, in the post-play debrief and if a scene doesn’t go as planned,” Criss says.

If you’re interested in learning about BDSM and D/s play, this beginner’s course from Chiaramonte is the perfect place to start. Part of learning is about understanding “the risks involved and [taking] steps to mitigate them,” Chiaramonte explains. “Learn about safe practices and techniques that make you feel safe in submission.”

Get Very Clear About What You Want (and Don’t Want)

Zane tells us that nothing should be a surprise when you’re engaging in this play. Scenes need to be highly negotiated beforehand, which takes clear and honest communication. He suggests considering the following questions: What do you like to be called during sex? Where do you want to be spanked? Do you like spit in your mouth? Do you like your hair pulled? Is anal play on the table?

“Have a safe word,” he adds. “You may think something turns you on, but then in the scene, you feel uncomfortable. That’s totally okay. You’re allowed to stop at any point.”

Take It Slowly

Our experts agree that taking things slowly is absolutely essential when you’re starting out with playing as the submissive. It is vulnerable territory, both emotionally and physically, and therefore it should be handled with caution and care. “Start with some dirty talk,” Zane says. “See how that feels. Then maybe incorporate some light spanking. There’s truly no rush. If you enjoy what you’re doing, you can then take it one step further.”

Once you feel safe and comfortable, you can open yourself up to more advanced play.

Have a Plan for Aftercare

Aftercare is the period post-scene where you take some time to come down and return to baseline. Emotions run high during D/s scenes — and when you’re playing with power dynamics as a cis dude, intense feelings can come up because of all the societal pressure around what it means to “be a man.” Zane suggests having “your partner hold you, bring you water or support you in another way once the scene is over.”

Remember, playing with the submissive does not say anything about who you are as a person. It simply means you enjoy certain kinds of dynamics in the bedroom. Everyone deserves to have the kind of sex they enjoy and to feel safe in expressing their desires.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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It’s Perfectly OK To Be Kinky

— In Fact, It’s Normal

If you’re kinky and you know it, clap your hands!

By Erika Jordan

Mainstream society tends to label kinks and fetishes as taboo, which is ironic because a kink is simply anything besides standard “vanilla” sex. Based on this description, being kinky is normal!

I like to think of kinks as the sprinkles of life — anything that deviates from the norm. For instance, perhaps I am loving life and missionary position and my partner gently sucked my toe for a few seconds and I enjoy it. Perhaps I like to call my partner Daddy. Ladies and gentlemen, I just partook in a kink.

Studies have shown that people with kinks and fetishes tend to possess above-average intelligence — so it’s not exactly a bad thing! Kinky folks are the type of people to taste vanilla ice cream and think, wow that is delicious, what happens if you add chocolate syrup?

No, I am not trying to get you on the kink train. What this is really about is why does such a large portion of our society see kinks and fetishes as taboo?

Being kinky is normal

Kink is a consensual practice that includes role-play, power dynamics, or fetishes. It doesn’t have to involve actual sex. Perhaps I love the feel of furry socks on my skin under the sheets. Kinky sex requires communication about desires and limits to make sure everyone enjoys the experience. We often do not even realize we would enjoy something because we label it as being weird or “societally unacceptable.”

When you are close-minded you deny yourself the opportunity to explore your mind and body. Kinks can be simple or they can be complex.

Exploring your partner’s body while alternating between drinking hot tea and sucking on an ice cube or putting on a furry costume and dancing to the electric slide before engaging in wild sex in a kiddy pool full of jello. Spanking, group sex, polyamory, exhibitionism, whipping, slapping, or even just talking about kinky stuff during sex, all fall into the “kinky spectrum.”

Most people fit somewhere on the ‘kinky spectrum’

It never occurred to me that kink could be considered a “bad” thing until I became familiar with an online BDSM test. I often recommend this quiz to online daters who want to see if a potential partner might be sexually compatible. Half the time, clients would look appalled and respond with some variation of, “I’m not a pervert.” Which I find unfortunate. After all, as we’ve established, kink is normal!

Is it perverted to admit that I love pizza with lots of toppings? What is a normal for pizza? To discover cheese pizza and then never eat anything else besides cheese pizza or do I start to wonder, “What would it be like if I added green peppers, pepperoni, or jalapeños?”

This doesn’t mean I no longer appreciate pizza, I’m just a normal human being exploring my creativity.

I have had numerous clients over the years who at some point in time during a long-term relationship developed a desire to explore something new. One client started to become aroused by the idea of being dominated. They were extremely afraid of revealing this to their partner. So much so that they hired a dominatrix in order to avoid that conversation completely. This is an extremely common occurrence — but being deceptive or secretive when you have promised your partner you’d be monogamous or honest about interacting with other partners is not healthy.

Wouldn’t it be healthier if we could accept that wanting to try new things in bed is normal and healthy?

People change, and so do their fantasies & desires

It would be stranger to be in a long-term relationship with someone who at no point in time wants to try something new in the bedroom. Something important to remember: People change.

If you develop a new side of yourself you want to explore but choose to ignore it it could lead to anxiety and depression. Failure to overcome a stigma and internalizing that stigma has negative effects on every aspect of your life.

Dirty talk during foreplay or sex is a great way to add variety and keeps things hot. Kinky sex does not have to include BDSM.

When you find someone and you get married it is highly unlikely that their sexuality will not evolve in any way. It’s perfectly normal to encounter something and wonder if it might be enjoyable. It’s normal to want to try something new.

Open communication leads to healthier relationships

It’s important that you have a partner you feel comfortable with so you can discuss your thoughts openly but with compassion. What you don’t want to do is approach your partner with, “Hey we’ve been together a long time and I’m really getting bored. I like variety, you know this, babe. Do you think we could include one of your friends in the bedroom?” or whatever is intriguing you.

I often encounter male clients who want to convince their partners to have an open relationship or at least the occasional threesome. A large portion of the time their partner is not comfortable with bringing another person into their relationship. For these people, I suggest partaking in fantasy. Yes, even this would be considered kinky!

One good way to do this is to go there in your mind and talking through it during foreplay or while having intercourse can be so stimulating that many of my clients were completely satisfied without partaking in an additional partner. The great part is in your mind the rules of life are irrelevant.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Find Out What She Likes in Bed

— The Top 10 Questions to Ask

By Ivy Cosca>

Having sex is healthy. Most experts also agree that it’s beneficial to couples — it’s basic human nature! Plus, who doesn’t want to see their partners enjoy sex? It’s easy to navigate your way while getting it on in the bedroom. However, communicating with your partner to find out what she likes in bed is easier — just ask her!

If you’re not sure which questions to ask to find out what she likes in bed, we got you! Here are 10 ways to find out what she likes in bed (not necessarily in order):

Ask your partner these questions to find out what she likes in bed:

1. “How do you like to be kissed?

Sex or no sex, kissing is an intimate act — not only can it oftentimes be a wholesome act, but it’s also a great way to show your emotional and physical admiration for her. But what’s important to know is how she even wants to be kissed in the first place.

Asking her how she likes to be kissed may not sound that important, but you can find out what she likes in bed by getting to the details of how she likes kissing and being kissed — how much tongue does she like? Does she enjoy her lower lip lightly bitten or sucked? What’s her preferred pace?https://www.laweekly.com/how-to-find-out-what-she-likes-in-bed/

Moreover, even though kissing is commonly done, some women don’t like being kissed at all! If she’s one of those people, respect her preference — it’s probably not because of you. But if it is you, then this question is even more relevant to ask — because you’ll find out how you can improve your kissing game.

2. “Do you like to give oral sex?”

To some women, going down on their partner can be intimidating — because not a lot of them are confident with their fellatio skills. If this is the case, you can reassure her or teach her how you prefer receiving oral sex. But if she’s just not into it, that’s her decision to make.

But if she does like giving oral sex, then, well…it’s a win-win for you two!

3. “Do you like being on the receiving end of oral sex?”

Again, oral sex — some women like giving it, some women like receiving one, and some just don’t! One reason a woman doesn’t like receiving oral sex is because they’re insecure about the “odor” that they think they have down there. If this is her reason for having an aversion to cunnilingus, let her know that the vagina isn’t meant to smell like roses — and there will be a certain scent that shouldn’t be considered “foul!” Unless, of course, she has an infection — if so, that should be treated right away!

Another reason for a woman not wanting to be on the receiving end of oral sex is it simply just doesn’t do anything for them — some might even feel that their clitoris can get “overstimulated.” On the other hand, if she doesn’t mind cunnilingus, then, there’s another act that can amp up your sex life!

4. “What makes you orgasm?”

Women climax to different triggers. Some like their nipples played with, some prefer clitoris massages, others need g-spot or cervix stimulation — other women also get off to anal sex. Regardless of which one it is, it’s important to find out what makes her orgasm. Isn’t that the ultimate goal anyway?

5. “How do you feel about having sex in public places?”

If you and your partner agree that public sex is a “yay,” and you guys plan on doing it, find out first the laws in which the sex act will be committed. Public sex is common and it’s typically done in planes (aka the mile-high club), cars, parks, and so on. It’s generally harmless when no one catches you in the act, but, in California, public sexual activity is an offense.

The California penal code 647(a) states that it’s a crime to “engage in or to solicit anyone to engage in lewd or dissolute conduct in any public place or in any place open to the public or exposed to public view,” Therefore, when engaging in public sex, you and your partner should be very careful. It’s also best that you’re aware of the possible repercussions if you get caught!

6. “Are you into threesomes or group sex?”

Group sex is a common sexual fantasy — and lots of folks also engage in one. If you or your partner is into threesomes or group sex, discuss first who and how you’ll get other people to join the ”party!” What will the situation be like? — MFM? MMF? FFM? FMF? Are you and your partner exclusive? Will it remain that way afterward? These are the few questions that you and your partner should discuss.

But if you’re not into threesomes, group sex, swinging, or polyamory, in general, you don’t have to engage in one! She also has to respect your decision, if so — and so should you with her decision, if she’s the one who refuses to participate in those aforementioned non-monogamous sex acts.

7. “Do you like using sex toys?”

Adult toys have made their way into countless women’s nightstands. But if your partner doesn’t own one, doesn’t plan on owning one, and she’s not open to being stimulated by one, then you can stick to — uhh — sticking your own junk inside instead.

On the other hand, if she does like sex toys, then sex can become even more exciting — because you’ll have a device (or two, or more!) to help you make her achieve an orgasm!

8. “What’s your favorite position?”

Sometimes, we have to go back to basics: a simple switch in position is enough to make a woman orgasm! You just have to find out what she likes in bed by asking what her favorite position is! Whether it’s eye contact from an intimate missionary position, or she likes to receive it from behind — for maximum cervix stimulation — there are creative ways to make her climax.

9. “Are you into sexting?”

Turning her on doesn’t always have to involve physical contact. Sometimes, sexting is enough to make her want you in the bedroom ASAP! But find out first if she’s into that. Furthermore, ask her how she feels about dick pics, sending her nudes, or if she also wants to send you some.

10. “Do you have preferred erotic acts, kinks, fetishes, or sexual fantasies?”

In essence, penetrative sex is the act of repeatedly thrusting the penis inside a woman’s orifice — be it the vagina or the anus. But most people don’t settle with just that! That’s why it’s practically normal to have sexual preferences, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes — even if it’s simple hair-pulling or spanking. Additionally, some are into, say, shower sex or dirty talk.

Some women also like being tied up or blindfolded — and other women prefer doing these to their partner instead. Regardless of what it is, she probably has one erotic act that she enjoys doing — or be done to her. Just like you!

Speaking of kinks…

However, some kinks, fantasies, or fetishes have to be thoroughly thought of before you and your partner perform them — some of them may be commonly done, and they sure as heck wouldn’t be common if they weren’t enjoyable to many, but there are possible dangers to some sex acts.

Here are common sex acts and kinks you can ask to find out what she likes in bed, and the potential consequences:

Age gap kink

Age gap kink, DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl), or as the internet calls it: the daddy kink! Some women like to role-play that they’re being dominated by someone older than them — or someone who will simply just dominate them. But it also depends on her fantasies about how big the “age gap” will be and how sexually aggressive their “Daddy” will be. In some instances, it’s she who wants to role-play as the older person — or be called “Mommy” in some situations.

However, make sure that the age gap kink remains a kink or act of role-play — under no circumstances should either party involve an actual minor! According to Searah Deysach, a sex educator based in Chicago, in her interview with Insider (regarding the age gap kink), “It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,”

Role-playing as a minor (whether it’s her or if she asks that it be you) isn’t necessarily a “red flag,” but the actual involvement of a minor is a serious, serious crime that can inevitably land you both in jail!

Foot fetish

Foot fetish involves performing sexual acts using the feet. But sometimes, the feet are the “main event.” Some women like her feet adored, and some like her feet tickled, licked, or stimulated. Now, a foot fetish is far from dangerous. If she has this fetish, and you’re willing to give it a go, just make sure that you guys are licking each other’s clean feet! It harbors tons of bacteria!

Choking

Choking, erotic asphyxiation, or breath play seems to be another trending topic or widely-discussed kink on the internet. It involves cutting off the oxygen supply to the brain — which enhances sexual excitement. This can be a safe sexual act if you know how to properly perform it. If she’s into choking, and you’re willing to perform it on her, do your research first on how to properly sexually choke someone!

The United States National Library of Medicine published a journal and they estimate that 200 to 1,000 people die from erotic asphyxiation every year. Therefore, we cannot stress it enough: do your research first!

BDSM

You can say that BDSM is one of the few all-time favorite kinks! That’s why if she’s into BDSM, or Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Sadism, Masochism, you shouldn’t be too surprised! Lots of sexual acts fall under the BDSM category. Therefore, there isn’t a single act to define what it is — or what she would want you guys to do.

However, again, BDSM is supposed to involve non-dangerous or non-permanent ways of inflicting mild to moderate pain or discomfort for erotic purposes. Thus, one should be very careful when performing BDSM with your partner. Have a safe word!

All in All,

The best way to find out what she likes in bed ultimately boils down to one thing: communication. Whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, or FWB, it’s important to find out what she likes in bed — so you guys can make the most out of your experience and both of you achieve la petite mort! Because neither of you deserves an uncomfortable one — and definitely not a risky one!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to being a ‘brat’ in BDSM

— If you like disobeying daddy, this one’s for you.

By Gigi Engle

Make me.

This is the trademark saying for brats. A “brat” is a delightfully disobedient sub within the Dom/sub dynamic in BDSM. “Brats enjoy questioning dominance, as well as like for dominance to be proven to them,” says Emerson Karsh(opens in a new tab), a kink educator.

Why would you want to be a brat during sex? Why wouldn’t you? Being cheeky, disobedient, and naughty is fun. It creates a sense of playfulness that is often missing in sex. Being a brat is a very fun way to engage with your submissive side, without being a stereotypical sub. Brats are mouthy, badly behaved, and keen on punishment.

In BDSM, not all submissions look the same. Playing with power dynamics gets very creative in the kink world. “Brats get great enjoyment from playing [a game of] cat and mouse, defying authority, and in turn receiving a ‘punishment’ from their Brat Tamer,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(opens in a new tab), a kink instructor and sex expert.

If you’re turned on by disobedience, this might be something you want to explore.

Let’s break down what it means to be a brat in BDSM, how you can approach it safely and consensually, and some tips to get you started on your merry way.

What it means to be a ‘brat.’

The brat is a very fun, quite cheeky submissive persona. It’s a submissive with a twist, Chiaramonte says.

A brat intentionally misbehaves in order to get a rise out of their Dom, often eliciting “punishments.” The brat enjoys driving the Dom a bit mad with their naughtiness. It’s all centered around defying authority, which can be very hot.

This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board.

The brat “may taunt, push boundaries, and really test their partners’ limits in hope of causing a reaction,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is very playful, and can be adjusted to your needs.” This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board. We’ll get into the nitty gritty of consent a bit later.

You might be asking how this is submission because, well, you’re being quite the brat. Karsh tells us that “brats express their submission in a way that is amusing, consensual, and done for a reaction.” You’re not being obedient in the classic Dom/sub way, but the brat will submit when their Dom decides to punish them.

The Dom is the ‘brat tamer.’

The brat tamer? You guessed it: This is the Dominant partner. They may choose to go by a different name (like sir, daddy, mommy, etc.), but the brat tamer is their style of Domination.

“Their ‘role’ is to put their brat in their place, remind them of the rules, and enforce punishments/order that they have created together,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is an authority role, and a brat tamer must be comfortable with taking control and being taunted by their bratty partner.”

Dr. Lee Phillips(opens in a new tab), a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, offers an example of the Brat/Brat Tamer dynamic in a scene: “In a role play, the sub (a brat) takes on the role of a subordinate to a moody boss. The ultimate goal is for the brat tamer to earn the brat’s respect because the brat enjoys pushing the brat tamer’s buttons by provoking them. In order to earn this respect, [the] Dom needs to tame or control the brat.”

This role is anything but soft, Karsh says. “A brat tamer is not afraid to put their foot down,” she says.

This role takes a lot of skill and development. Karsh continues, “A brat tamer is skilled in giving their brat space to be a brat and figuring out how to express and prove their dominance to their brat in response to their bratting — whether that be a punishment, orders, ignoring the behavior, or something else.”

Of course, all of this provoking and giving out punishments is 100 percent consensual in this dynamic.

How brats ‘act out’ (and how they get punished).

There is no clear-cut way to fully express the breadth of punishments and behaviors that can go into the brat dynamic, but we can certainly distill a few common examples.

Bratty dialogue.

Brats use “bratty” language with the explicit intention of provoking their Dom. Some common phrases include:

  • Make me.
  • That’s all?
  • You can do better than that.
  • You can’t make me.
  • Oh, yeah? What’s the worst that can happen?
  • Prove it.

Additionally, Philips says “a brat may act out by talking back to them by calling their tamer names, turning down a command, have a temper tantrum, ignore the tamer to provoke them, and speak when they are supposed to remain quiet.”

Bratty behavior.

Bratty behaviors run the gamut, but they’re usually done in a lighthearted, naughty way, Karsh explains. For example, if a Dom told the brat to “Come over here right now.” The brat might just sit down on the ground and refuse to move. Another example could be defying authority, Chiaramonte tells us. A brat tamer may tell their brat to be home at a certain time and the brat purposely comes back late. To be a brat is to be disobedient. And it’s all part of the fun.

Punishments for bratty little brats.

The ways a Dom can punish their brat are truly expansive. Punishments are negotiated before play takes place and everyone is always on the same page about what is on and off the table.

Some example of punishments:

  • Spankings.
  • Orgasm denial.
  • Forced silence.
  • Getting walked like a puppy.
  • Forced orgasm.
  • Bondage.
  • Tickling.
  • Being put in a cage.

How to engage in brat play in a safe way.

Do your research.

We can’t just jump into a role play without knowing what we’re doing. This can be a disaster. “Read articles and speak to others who are brats and submissives in your BDSM community,” Philips says. “If you are seeing a kink and BDSM-affirming therapist, they can help you explore BDSM as a part of your sexual identity or an aspect of sexual exploration.”

If you’re looking for a qualified therapist to help you explore this side of yourself, search for a kink-affirming therapist on the COSRT website(opens in a new tab). Be sure to check out their website and confirm that they are explicit about their work with kink.

Communication and consent.

If you want to have a good brat/Brat Tamer experience, you have to be on the same page as your partner. “Talk about your expectations, boundaries, limits, and what you hope to get out of this dynamic,” Chiaramonte says. “When you create this structure, you can play within the ‘lines’ and avoid unnecessary hiccups.”

Communication and consent are at the heart of positive BDSM dynamics. Scenes need to be thoroughly discussed so that everyone feels respected and taken care of. This takes a lot of trust.

“Talk to your Dom about your bratty interests first and discuss what the play will look like,” Philips says. “For example, will you be consenting to spanking if you misbehave? How hard do you want to be spanked for acting out? Do you want to be spanked over your tamer’s lap?”

Pick a safe word.

A safe word is a non-sexual word used in kink to denote that a boundary has been met. If you’re in a brat/Brat Tamer scene and something has crossed the line, you can invoke the safe word and stop the play. This gives you time to reconnect and figure out how you’d both like to move forward.

“All kink is a marathon, not a sprint.”

Go slowly.

This one truly cannot be emphasized enough. “All kink is a marathon, not a sprint,” Karsh says.

If you’re a brat beginner, you have to be willing to take your time and figure out what does and does not work for you. “Think and explore how brattiness will show up in your relationship. Being a brat can often come naturally [to some], so use that energy in exploring this in BDSM play.”

Don’t be afraid to get creative.

Your brat/Brat Tamer dynamic may grow and shift over time. Once you start getting comfortable in your role, you can test new and exciting ways to play with your brat side. “Don’t be afraid to get funky with it — your turn to do the dishes tonight? Have your partner find you drinking a glass of wine on the couch instead,” Chiaramonte says. As long as everyone is aware that this is role play, it’s all good.

BDSM is all about exploring different sides of yourself and having fun. If you want to embrace that bratty side of yours, go for it. There is no wrong way to play as long as everyone is having a good time.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to impact play

— For when chains and whips excite you.

By Gigi Engle

Impact play is an umbrella term for all things sexual involving hitting or being hit with an object in a safe and consensual way. Impact play “can [involve] hitting, punching, or slapping, but you can also get creative like [being] pummeled with fists, alternating different strokes or slaps,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist. You can also use equipment other than your hands, such as paddles, whips, floggers, or something you find around the house.

Is your interest piqued? Would you say that chains and whips excite you? (Sorry.)

Impact play is one of the cornerstone practices in the BDSM community. But it’s not just for dungeons. Impact play can be used by anyone. The key is doing it safely.

Impact play encompasses getting hit with things, or hitting a partner with objects, as a way to heighten sexual arousal and up the ante on Dom/sub power dynamics.

Misinformation about BDSM and impact play, among other kink practices, is rife on TikTok. It’s important, therefore, to get your kink education from reputable sources. Mashable spoke to kink educators about impact play to get the lowdown on how to practice it safely.

If you’re interested in learning how to be an expert with a whip, flogger, or crop, or just feel like that booty deserves a (very consensual) hiding, look no further. Let’s immerse ourselves into the seductive universe of impact play and all that it involves.

What is impact play?

If it’s not clear by now, impact play is using objects (or hands, etc.) to hit or be hit. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. It might sound pretty straightforward, but impact play is nothing short of an art (when done correctly and safely).

This modality within the BDSM community offers a Dominant and submissive partner the chance to explore tactile sensation, pain play, and physical endurance. Plus, it just feels really, really good.

Here are some examples of impact play:

  • Flogging.
  • Paddling.
  • Caning.
  • Spanking (with hands or tools).
  • Using a crop.

There are plenty more ways to enthusiastically smack someone around. You can get really creative with it.

The importance of safety and consent.

There is absolutely nothing more important in impact play (and all play) than safety and consent. Each scene that involves impact play needs to be highly negotiated between partners. We’re talking about literally hitting people with objects.
Sure, it’s fun, but it is NO joke. Dr. Celina Criss, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD, explainsL “BDSM players of any type need to understand the risks inherent to the play they want to engage in: physical, mental, and emotional.” “Experienced players have typically studied their activity of choice, the anatomy involved, first aid care for when things go wrong, and are practiced in communicating throughout the play.”

Communication is so, so key. “Don’t ever attempt to start hitting or striking your partner during play or during sex without communicating beforehand, it can put them into a threat response,” Rowett says. This can be highly traumatic. Sorry to have to say this to y’all, but hitting someone without their consent is straight up domestic violence.

Don’t rush into this kind of play.

The safety and consent checklist:

  1. Do your homework. You need to know which parts of the body are safe to hit and which aren’t.
  2. Practice makes perfect. Both partners need to be fully aware of the risks involved in their chosen activities as well as the skill needed to perform them well.
  3. Thoroughly discuss the scene: What are your boundaries? Do you have a safe word? What tools will you be using?
  4. Have an aftercare plan in place to ensure both partners have time and space to emotionally “come down.”
  5. Check in regularly throughout the scene to be sure everyone is enjoying themselves.

Things to avoid during impact play.

“There are no prizes for being the kinkiest or toughest player in the dungeon, especially if you’re just starting out,” Criss says. Don’t rush into this kind of play. You need to have patience, go slowly, and be willing to experiment. If you rush in, you might end up getting injured or injuring someone. This will lead you to miss out on a whole lot of fun.

You want to stay away from the lower back literally always. Hitting this area can cause kidney damage. The stomach is also a very sensitive area and should be avoided unless the impact is very light. You also want to stay away from any joints, the neck, or any injuries or body parts that experience chronic pain.

When in doubt: The squishy bits are best. Think: Booty, legs, breasts, and arms.

When in doubt: The squishy bits are best. Think: Booty, legs, breasts, and arms.
After figuring out the where, figure out the how. The kind of pressure and intensity you want to feel is key to enjoying the experience. Do you enjoy stingy, lighter sensations? Do you prefer a deeper, thuddier sensation? This might take some time, practice, and patience to figure out. Experimenting is totally OK as long as everyone is following the safety plan.

You’ll also want to chat through marks on your body. Are you OK with bruises? Definitely not down for that? Be open, thorough, and communicate.

How to get started.

First of all, if you’re a novice, the best place to start is with spanking, either using a hand, riding crop, or a ruler. You could also use a plastic spatula or a wooden spoon. We have so many great items available at home and we love that for us. “Go slow when you’re starting out,” Criss tells us. “Agree to try one or two things for a short period of time and debrief with your partner after: what worked, what didn’t, and what you’d like more of.” You want to co-create a foundation and then go from there.

Start with the butt. It’s meatier and you have less of a risk of bruising. Always check in with your partner and be sure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience. “Using a flat hand, get started with light spanking on the outer middle quadrant of the glute,” Chiaramonte explains. “Play with the intensity of how hard you (and your partner) can handle giving and receiving.”

If you decide you enjoy playing with impact, you can always invest in specialty gear. “A beginners BDSM kit may come with mini versions of things like paddles, floggers, and crops/canes,” Chiaramonte adds.

And don’t forget: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

Don’t forget: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE.

Why impact play is so appealing.

It makes sense why people would love this, from a neurobiological perspective. The same areas of the brain light up when you feel pain as when you feel pleasure. Our nervous systems are incredibly intricate. When we feel pain, our central nervous system releases endorphins. These hormones are designed to stop pain. When we experience this rush of endorphins, it can lead to pleasure, causing a dizzying euphoria.

Some people are just really, really into pain. People who enjoy pain for sexual pleasure are called masochists – and they make up the “M” in BDSM. “Aside from the sensation, [impact play] is a magnificent tool to reinforce kinks/BDSM dynamics like dom/sub as tools for ‘punishment’ or ‘reward,” says Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

There is a caveat here that we need to clarify: Not all impact play is pain play.

Words like spanking, flogging, or caning “might sound violent, but they don’t have to be,” says Criss. “Players will vary their strikes to achieve the desired effect, ranging from soft and gentle to firm to stingy.” Some people enjoy an impact that gives them deep sensation without going into the realm of pain. They are into the tactile sensation and the power dynamics. However you enjoy your impact, it’s totally valid.

OK, kinksters! Are you feeling prepared to get your spank on? Go forth and prosper!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Complete Beginner’s Guide to BDSM

— Allow us to show you the ropes (pun intended).

By Gigi Engle

Get out the whips, chains, and leather corsets, because we are getting down and dirty with BDSM today. For kink newbies, BDSM might seem intimidating, which makes complete sense—it’s a practice that can include a lot of high intensity activities. But don’t worry, it really is an accessible kink that can be practiced safely, provided you and your partners know your stuff. Which, hi, is where we come in.

There’s obviously a lot of stuff on the internet about kink, but a no-frills guide for beginners is hard to come by. If you’ve been wanting to get into BDSM but don’t know where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

According to a 2017 study published in the research journal PLOS ONE, a lot of people are into kinky sex. The study found that of the participants surveyed, about 20 percent said they have tied up a partner or been tied up during sex. About 15 percent said they have playfully whipped a partner or been playfully whipped as a part of sex play, and 33 percent reported they have spanked a partner or have been spanked during sex. So yeah, people are into this stuff big time.

“People like BDSM because it’s psychologically and physically thrilling, pleasurable, and fulfills needs, just like any typical sexual act would,” says Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert. “Why would you like [to have] orgasms? Well, because they feel good! Same goes for BDSM.”

But for all the hype, it’s important to be aware that BDSM needs to be practiced with extreme caution—especially for beginners. This kink comes with risks, and understanding them (and how to mitigate them) is fundamental to engaging in play that is safe, fun, and consensual.

So, without further ado, here is everything you need to know about BDSM as a beginner. We’ve all gotta start somewhere, so congrats on starting here.

What Is BDSM?

BDSM is a specific kind of play that falls under the broader umbrella term of kink. Kink can involve a much larger range of activities, whereas BDSM focuses specifically on dynamics within Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/submission, and Sadism/Masochism—which, you guessed it, is what BDSM stands for.

“BDSM encompasses a wide variety of practices involving intentional play with power dynamics and intense sensations,” says Celina Criss, PhD, a certified sex coach specializing in BDSM and GSRD (Gender, Sexual and Relationship Diversity). “It is often understood to include role play, fetish, and other practices that aren’t considered ‘typical.’”

BDSM can be physical, emotional, and psychological. Play can include sex, but it doesn’t have to include sex.

What Does BDSM Play Look Like?

BDSM relationships involve a Dominant partner(s) and submissive partner(s). This is known as a D/s relationship. The sub willingly and consensually gives up power to the Dom during the play (often referred to as a “scene”). Scenes are co-created between the Dom and sub, and can include a wide variety of different acts.

BDSM play can look like:

  1. Spanking/Impact play: Using implements and hands to spank/whip/flog your partner.
  2. Bondage: The use of ropes, cuffs, and other restraints.
  3. Discipline: Where the Dom disciplines the sub.
  4. Humiliation: Using certain words or behaviors to consensually degrade the sub.
  5. Worship: Where the sub engages in worship of their Dom.
  6. Sensory play: Engaging or restricting the senses to intensify arousal.
  7. Various role play dynamics (Caregiver/little, Pet Owner/pet, Master/slave, etc.)

…And much, much more. BDSM play can really include anything within the realm of consensual power exchange, and that’s what makes it so thrilling.

Why Are People Into BDSM?

At its core, BDSM is all about the giving and receiving of control. When we engage in high-intensity activities like pain-play and bondage, our brains release chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline, and cortisol. The rush can be euphoric, explains sexologist Ness Cooper, a sex and relationships therapist.

Adrenaline is the hormone released when our bodies experience a “fight or flight” response. This happens when our brains and bodies perceive that we are in danger. “Pain and pleasure are closely related and processed in the same parts of the brain, meaning that those [who are] into receiving consensual pain can feel pleasure from these BDSM acts,” Cooper says. (Studies confirm this, BTW.)

That said, BDSM is about more than just spankings, chains, and pleasure by way of pain. A large part of its appeal can actually be, dare we say, downright wholesome?

“BDSM is about playfulness, expression, and exploration,” Criss says. It’s an “opportunity to explore your desires and embrace parts of yourself that might not have another socially accepted outlet.” BDSM play offers a place for us to explore our most taboo desires. It’s a safe space to enjoy our sexuality and release shame, which can be liberating on multiple levels.

Emotionally, engaging in these activities can also foster intimacy between partners, as there’s a huge amount of vulnerability and trust involved in the consensual exchange of control.

Breaking Down the Misconceptions About BDSM

It’s no secret that we live in a pretty sex-negative culture. We constantly receive messages that sex is dirty and bad. And when it comes to sex that falls outside of the socially prescribed, exhaustingly heteronormative framework—well, let’s just say there’s an actual eff-load of misinformation to weed through.

Let’s unpack some of the misunderstandings that people have about BDSM, because being armed with (actually useful!) information can make play much more accessible, pleasurable, and less intimidating.

Only traumatized people are into BDSM

Allow us to be very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in this kind of play are no more “depraved” or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else. “The notion that only traumatized people like BDSM is harmful,” Chiaramonte says. “BDSM is a very normal human behavior.” Kink is fun, lots of people enjoy it. It’s simply not that deep.

BDSM is domestic abuse/intimate partner violence

God, this one gets thrown around so much it is truly unreal. BDSM is all about consent, boundaries, and positive intent—sooo, pretty much the exact opposite of abuse.

“Partners negotiate their boundaries and agree to what they are going to do before they do it,” Criss explains. While accidents may happen (because, hello, we’re all humans capable of making mistakes), there is no intent to cause harm or injury to a partner in BDSM.

“Responsible partners have safety protocols in place to prevent this from happening before, during, [and] after any scene,” says Criss. “This means they know what they’re doing and [are aware of] the risks involved. They’ve practiced, learned about anatomy and physiology, keep their first-aid skills up to date, use safe words, and know what sort of aftercare their partner needs.”

You must like pain to enjoy BDSM

“Almost all BDSM can be modified to be done without experiencing any pain at all,” says Chiaramonte. BDSM is about power play dynamics. While pain can be a part of it, it really doesn’t have to be. For example, you might enjoy being blindfolded and having a feather run all over your body by your Dom. It’s not painful, but it’s still BDSM.

What’s more, Criss says that pain isn’t a useful metric in BDSM, and that most practitioners don’t even measure sensation this way. Rather, intensity is a more accurate way of thinking about the BDSM experience. That intense sensation “could be thuddy, stingy, or even feather-light,” says Criss.

BDSM is a fetish

BDSM refers to a variety of sex acts and practices that fall under the broader kink umbrella. A fetish is a specific act or object that a fetishist must engage with during sex in order to be aroused or reach peak arousal state. You might have a fetish for a specific act that falls under the category of BDSM (such as spanking or bondage), but BDSM is a wider range of behaviors, not a fetish in and of itself.

How to Have a Conversation With Your Partner About Wanting to Try BDSM

These conversations can be emotionally fraught and intimidating, but have no fear! Introducing the idea of kink to a partner does not have to be scary. Obviously, how you initiate this convo will depend on your relationship and how comfortable you and your partner(s) are with talking about sex, but here are some general guidelines that should help things go smoothly.

First of all, you’re going to want to have this conversation in a neutral, non-sexual place. This isn’t something you should spring on someone in the middle of sex, or even during foreplay, as your partner may feel pressured. Rather, opt for a time when you’re both relaxed, maybe while lounging at home watching TV or enjoying a nice dinner together.

Chiaramonte says to approach BDSM as a point of interest, something you can unpack together, conversationally. “Something along the lines of ‘I saw/heard of this, and it sounds interesting. I would love to try it. Can we talk about it?’” she suggests.

Encourage your partner to bring their fantasies to the table, too. “An essential part of BDSM is being able to have neutral and honest conversations around our desires,” says Chiaramonte.

Also! It’s okay to acknowledge that these conversations can be a little awkward—and doing so might actually help relieve some of that uncomfy-ness.

How to Start Practicing BDSM as a Beginner

So you’ve had the talk, and now it’s time to get into the good stuff. Here are some ways to start actually dipping those toes into the wide world of BDSM.

Do your research

If a certain BDSM act has piqued your interest, learn all you can about it. Being able to engage with play safely means expanding your knowledge of all it entails. “Curious about shibari and suspension bondage? Take a class! If you’re interested in Florentine flogging, find someone who does this and ask them to show you how,” Criss says. “Learn about the body. Anatomy, physiology, and first aid are essential to make sure you don’t hurt your partner.”

Communicate, communicate, communicate

BDSM can be quite complex and risky, which means every scene needs to be thoroughly negotiated and talked through with partners. “You need to know your own boundaries and respect your partner’s boundaries,” Criss says. This means that we need to be aware of everyone’s limits and work within their confines for the duration of play.

Go shopping for some goodies

Shopping for sex toys together can help you and your partner(s) explore and discuss certain acts or scenes you might be interested in trying out in a fun, lower-pressure environment, says Cooper. It’s a chance to co-create an erotic adventure with your partner, one that can make a potentially intimidating experience feel more playful.

Live by the RACK

In the BDSM world, RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink, is king. “In short, this structure explains that safe kink can only be practiced with consent, education, and understanding [of] the risks,” says Chiaramonte. The idea of RACK is not to eliminate all risks (that’s not possible, FYI), but to ensure all parties involved in a particular sex act are aware of the risks and give their informed consent to engage.

Choose a safe word

Safe words are non-sexual words that indicate a boundary has been reached during play. If you’re new to BDSM, you might not know a boundary until you come into contact with it, so it’s important to make communicating those boundaries as easy as possible. “An easy-to-use word can let your play partner know that you’ve reached your limit and need a break from that particular form of erotic play,” says Cooper.

A traffic light system (“red” = stop; “yellow” = proceed with caution; “green” = go), is a common and convenient safe-word option. Some other examples that you can consider yours for the taking right this way.

Start slow

“A lot of people start with blindfolds, light bondage, or a little bit of spanking,” says Criss.< Don’t dive right into the deep end with more extreme practices like breath play, rope play, or other forms of edge play. Many of these more advanced acts require a significant degree of skill and training to practice safely.

Find your people

You can learn a lot about kink by, well, connecting with other kinky people. You might be able to find local kink communities and educators near you to mingle with at events like a “Munch,” aka a casual gathering of kinksters to talk and get to know one another. “BDSM practitioners tend to be into education and community. If there is a group near you, they’re probably hosting play parties, workshops, and mentoring newcomers,” says Criss.

Practice aftercare

BDSM can involve a lot of intense emotions, which means there can be a bit of a “crash” after play. Aftercare is the set of actions we engage in post-play to help everyone return to a state of equilibrium. It can “help ground you after a heady mix of feel-good hormones,” says Cooper

This can include kisses, cuddles, talking about the scene, having a shower together, or tending to bruises or scrapes. You and your partner should discuss the kind of aftercare both of you feel you need and be willing to accommodate those needs accordingly.

If this all seems like kind of a lot, that’s because it is! There is so much to know about BDSM, and getting informed is a crucial first step for anyone interested in exploring the kinkier side of the street. That said, it’s supposed to be fun, and learning and exploring all there is to learn and explore about BDSM is all part of that fun. Wherever you are in your BDSM journey, trust that there is a lot of fun to be had in your future. Go forth and get kinky, my friends.

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