Category Archives: Kink

You want me to do WHAT?

First Name: Beth
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Location: New Jersey
Your question or comment: My husband and I have swung in the past and have had an open marriage for a short time about 5 or 6 years ago. We have, for the most part, been monogamous for the past few years. He now tells me that the only thing that will make him interested in having sex with me is if I find men to have sex with and send him pics of myself in the act with other men. I have no desire to do this but am considering doing it if it will help my sex life with him. I have read about Candaulism (a sexual practice or fantasy in which a man exposes his female partner, or images of her, to other people for their voyeuristic pleasure) and am beginning to think he may be a latent homosexual or bisexual and trying to fulfill his desire to be with a man by living vicariously threw me. He says that the torment of knowing that I am with another man is exciting to him and I don’t understand how that can be a healthy thing for him. I am desperate for guidance in this area. Your thoughts??

Well then, Beth, things are gonna get very interesting in your life real soon, huh?

2477075029_d8e7e288c4Before I get to answering your query, let me ask you some questions. You say you and the hubby used to be swingers and even had an open marriage for a while some years ago. Why, after all that nontraditional relationship stuff, did ya’ll go back to sexual exclusivity? Did you both agree to go back to the straight and narrow, or did one of you decide for the both of you? This is an important point. If one of you decided for the both of you, the one tagging along with the decision may not have been totally on board from the get go. And when that happens, what looks like domestic tranquility is actually nothing of the sort.

It appears to me that your marriage has somewhat of a cyclical pattern to it. You guys have vanilla periods and kinky periods. Would that be an accurate representation of the dynamics? If so, let me ask a few more questions. Who or what determines the swing, you’ll pardon the pun, from vanilla to kink? Is it a boredom thing? And who determines the swing back to vanilla? And does that have anything to do with fear and jealousy? Do you guys discuss the transition before hand? Or is the migration from vanilla to kink and back again more of a follow-the-leader sort of thing? And who leads whom into kink? And does the same person lead out of kink back to vanilla? These questions are all very important and I would want to know the answers before I suggest a path forward.Candaulism

Now I know you are not here to answer my outstanding questions, so that means I need to punt. From what you tell me, I discern that the hubby is in need of a little spice. And maybe he is the one who traditionally leads the marriage out of vanilla into kink. You appear to be resisting this migration for whatever reason. Maybe that’s your traditional role in the marriage. I’m also guessing that you guys don’t talk things through before a momentous change is in the offing, but ya should. A lot of the heartache and misdirection could be avoided if you did.

I also think your husband is not veering into particularly dangerous or uncharted waters with his Candaulism. Seems to me you’ve been there already, at least in spirit, with your periods of swinging and open relationship. It also occurs to me that your hubby has a big fat cuckold fetish that he is trying to itch. And in terms of fetishes, this is a relatively harmless one, especially if everyone involved is on board for the fun and games. Check out my How To Video Library for some swell movies on that theme.

mr-honmaIs his cuckold fetish latent homosexuality? What a funny question to ask considering your relationship history. Isn’t it more likely that he might have a bisexual streak? And the fact that you are puzzled by all of this suggests, at least to me, that you guys don’t know each other very well. And that’s astonishing considering what you’ve been through together.

What I’m getting at though all of this is, if you want to restore some balance and harmony to your marriage, the answer is not simply hanging out at the vanilla end of relationship spectrum because it’s comfortable and safe. At least not until there is consensus on the part of both you and your husband. The big mistake many couples make is to assume that if one person is along for the ride, just to make peace, there is consensus. That’s not consensus; that’s conciliation.

Again, because you guys aren’t here to discuss this stuff with me, but I’d still like to help, let me turn you on to an exercises that will facilitate the open and honest discussion you need to have with your man and he with you. What follows comes from a workshop I developed called; The Gospel of Kink. I’ve also conveniently packaged this workshop into a workbook with the same title. You can find the book HERE!

GOK small cover

Both the workshop and book are designed to help people, like you and your husband, develop the skills they need to effectively communicate with one another and improve their problem solving skills. The workshop and book, as the title suggests, are specifically geared toward folks in kinky, BDSM, and alt-culture relationships, but even vanilla couples will find what I present very helpful.

Even the strongest relationships go through periods of distress and turmoil. Disagreements, misunderstandings, and personal foibles can cause contention and conflict. So let’s see if we can come up with some practical tools and techniques to 1) handle common alt relationship related issues, and 2) successfully navigate our relationship conflicts.

EXERCISE 2 — Tools and Techniques for Navigating Alt Relationship Conflicts

Begin by jotting down a half dozen or so key words or phrases that identify the issues and problems you’ve encountered in your alt relationships. And then see if you can come up with a list of a half dozen or so key words or phrases that suggest possible solutions to those issues and problems.

Once both of you have completed your lists you’ll need to set up a time for a formal discussion of those lists. With a little luck, this exercise will help you identify the stumbling blocks that both of you see and help you develop a strategy to overcome them.

Of course all of this will depend on how well you listen to and absorb the message coming from your partner. Need help with that too? Never fear, The Gospel of Kink has exercises for that as well.

Good luck

I like to watch…

Name: Jim
Gender: Male
Age: 67
Location: Jacksonville, FL
My question…I like to watch my girlfriend have sex with other men. This particular time she had sex, she told the guy she was going to give him or leave her “love mark” on him and she proceeded to bite his inner thigh. She and he laughed afterwards. Should I be concerned that that she may have feelings for this guy (a total stranger) we found on the internet. Also should she be caressing, fondling, and massaging him, and deep kissing him? She said she was angry with me because I questioned why she went so far. I have been bothered by this but she says there was nothing but acting on her part. Please get me out of my misery.

You’re a cuckold, Jim! Enjoy the torment you pervert! And thanks for presenting me this opportunity to tell everyone in our audience about this delightful fetish.a171827_xlf

So I suppose ya’ll know that the traditional definition of a cuckold is a married man whose wife cheats on him behind his back. However, there is such a thing as a cuckold fetishist. In fact, this is one of the most popular and fastest growing fetishes around these days. The cuckold fetishist not only knows about his wife’s dalliances, but also often enjoys the humiliation of being forced to watch. Witness poor Jim here.

In this fetish the woman is dominant and she takes on additional partners, while the male takes on (or is forced into) the submissive role. Hot, hot, hot, right? You betcha! The wife enjoys multiple partners, but the husband is made to remain sexually exclusive with her alone. This fetish can take on all kinds of permutations. Check out Dr Dick’s How To Video Library for a load of videos on this very topic. Look for the VOD tab in the header above. All you have to do is search for CUCKOLD. http://theater.aebn.net/dispatcher/fts?userQuery=CUCKOLDs&theaterId=42740&genreId=101&targetSearchMode=basic&isSearchCriteriaReset=true&searchType=movie&locale=en

a118951_xlfWhat makes a guy enjoy being cuckold? Sometimes this is part of a sexual fantasy, one of being humiliated. The guy may also just get off on watching his wife fuck other guys. I even know some guys who love this because they like watching another guy or other guys have sex. Others like being “forced” to service the other guy. You can see where this would be a freakin’ paradise for a bi or closeted gay guy, huh?

The wife and her other partners, on the other hand, no doubt get off on the scenario too. This is one way for a woman to enjoy multiple partners while controlling the sexual outlet of her husband. It’s kinda like forced chastity; another very popular fetish these days, don’t cha know. The cuckold fetish is also a common kink for the guy who is more absorbed with his wife’s pleasure than his own. I know, it’s hard to believe; but there are guys like that out there. Our friend, Jim, here is probably one of them.

Good Luck

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Early Summer 2014 Q&A Show— Podcast #423 — 06/30/14


Hey sex fans,

My inbox is overflowing, so it’s time to turn our attention to the sexually worrisome in our audience. I have another swell sweet crackQ&A show in store for you today. Each of my correspondents is eager to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining.

  • Bluetail Man ain’t gettin’ any at home so he’s thinkin’ about takin’ his needs elsewhere.
  • Mike is saddled with a meth monkey and we have an exchange about that.
  • Hanson is into pain; he wants to know if that’s normal. He and I have an exchange about that.
  • Ted wants his GF to give up her booty; she doesn’t want to.  We have an exchange about that
  • Sean is afraid his kinks will get him in trouble. He and I have an exchange about that.
  • Anonymous is filled with fear, rage, and lust.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Don’t try this at home…

Hi,
In May of 2013 I was instructed by someone not to cum for a year. He also instructed me to play with myself, but any sight of pre-cum I must add six months of no cumming. This could go on for years. Of course I have six months added. I have also been instructed online to put my cock and balls in ice water for a year. I am to hold my cock and balls in ice water for 1 minute; pull out for 1 minute, then repeat this 3 times. If I spill water I add another minute. I also must set my laptop on my cock and balls with no cover, which I am doing now. This is to loosen my cock and balls so I can pull my cock and balls behind my legs during the night to stretch my scrotum and they want my balls to hurt me daily. I write this for you to understand I do as instructed even if it is by chat. My question is, will this hurt me in the long term? I must do it because I do not want to seem as a fake submissive. I guess what I really want to know is what could this do to me in the long run? I have many more things I must do; such as ruler spanking, tie up with weights etc. My instructors plan this on a yearly plus extended plan.
Thank you,
mike

submissive02You’ve been at this extreme cock and ball torture and ejaculation control for nearly a year and you are just now getting around to asking about the possible adverse consequences? Well that don’t make no sense at all, my friend.

And I’m gonna go way out on a limb here and guess that you are gonna continue this behavior regardless of what I may tell you. These “instructors” of yours, you only know them from online, right? Listen, I’m all for someone enjoying the life of a submissive. Knock yourself out with that already! What I don’t get is how you can submit to someone you don’t really know. How can you be sure these “instructors” have your best interest at heart and not just making you do stupid and dangerous stuff for their own gratification? Maybe they know they have a gullible twit on their hands who will do anything they tell him to do; and so they make this twit (you) do stuff that endangers his wellbeing. And here’s a tip, pal: doin’ stupid stuff just because some jerk online tells you to do it doesn’t make you a fake submissive. You clearly know nothing about Dominance and submission.submissive01

Here’s the thing, real submissives don’t’ gamble with their health and wellbeing. They also don’t entrust themselves to a Dom that will abuse the power exchange relationship.

The ejaculation control seems excessive to me, but it’s your body. Apparently this gets you off in some fashion or another, just not in the tradition “shoot your wad” sorta way.

male submissiveExtreme ejaculation control, especially over a long period of time will surely impact your sexual response cycle. This excessive edging may make cuming with a partner in the future difficult if not impossible. But maybe that doesn’t concern you. But if future sexual satisfaction with a partner is important to you then I’d suggest you cut back on ejaculation control ASAP.

The same is true for the CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) you’re doin’. Excessive stretching over many hours, like overnight, is not advised. Extreme stretching, like what you describe, can injure your nuts and damage the delicate tissues in your dick. If you want your family jewels to last, I’d suggest you cut back on the stuff you’re doing.

I also suggest that you find someone to dominate you who has your best interest in mind. Remember, BDSM and power play is not abuse.

Good luck

A Budding Kinkster’s Dilemma, Part 2

So I heard back from Todd. I shared his first message to me last Monday. You can find that exchange HERE!

Name: Todd
Gender: Male
Age: 21
Location: Oregon
I took your advice and found a local club of like-minded people. I went to one of their mixers. I met so many amazing people. Among them was this woman who is about 16 years older than me. She’s a mistress and a Dom for women only. She was kind enough to take me under her wing. She’s married to this guy who also attends these mixers, but is not really part of the scene. This woman has been so amazing teaching me and letting me sit in on her sessions. Her submissives have also been amazing and so patient with me as I find my footing.

So this leads me to my problem. I’ve only dominated with her 3 times. Each time it gets easier and more comfortable and I love it. And strange as it sounds, now this mistress has invited me to dominate her. And I understand that this is a huge honor for a seasoned Dom to invite a novice to dominate her. The one thing that tears me is her husband. She also has a child. So I need to know what the etiquette is what the boundaries are on this. I can’t hardly go up to the husband and say, “hey, is it ok for me to spank your wife.” I guess I feel a little taboo about that.

My friend, you are bringing your traditional middle-class vanilla value system to this new alternative and very un-vanilla situation that you now find yourself in. This conventional value system and its accompanying boundaries may serve you well in your “regular” life, but here in this new life, they are outmoded and cumbersome.

gentleThat is not to say that in the kink world anything goes. On the contrary, it’s just that the value system here is way different and thus so will the etiquette be. Here’s a rule of thumb that you can live by. When someone, particularly someone of exceptional stature in alt culture, like this dominant woman, invites you to participate with her in a scene; she is letting you know that these are the boundaries. You’ll rarely go wrong if you allow your more seasoned partner to lead you, even if you are going to be the Dom in an upcoming scene.

Regarding her husband, he’s not the one who authorizes or prohibits the encounter. It is the woman who is in charge. I mean it’s conceivable that he could be a cuckold for his wife. Much stranger things have happened, don’t cha know. And if you don’t know about the cuckold fetish that so many men groove on, then you have even more remedial study ahead of you.

I do appreciate that you continue to check in with me about your adventure. I am so proud of you for being humble enough to submit to a woman’s tutelage. That marks you as an exceptional fellow indeed. Keep it up and keep me posted.

Finally I want to encourage you to check out my podcast series called Sex EDGE-U-cation.  This is the series where we take a look at the fascinating world of fetish sex and kink. In fact, you might invite your new Dom woman friend to listen in with you. I chat with amazing guests from around the world, and each of them offers a unique perspective on live on the edge.  Of particular interest will be my conversations with these marvelous professional Doms:  Mistress Katherine, Mistress Matisse, Lady Lydia, Lady HotchKiss, Claire Adams, Eve Minax, and Cleo Dubois.

Good luck

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