Category Archives: Featured

Come As You Are

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Name: Valeri
Gender: Female
Age: 38
Location: Dubuque IA
Dr Dick: I just went through a very painful divorce. My husband of 18 years up and decided that he wanted to start over…in a new job, in a new state with a new girlfriend, someone 12 years his junior. I must be completely blind, because I didn’t see any of this coming. Sure we had our problems, what marriage doesn’t? I want to move on too, but I feel so stuck. I feel like this big loser. The few tentative forays into dating have been horrible. Every guy I meet is this lying sack of shit. Sorry, does that sound too bitter? HELP!

Damn girl, that’s fucked…big time! It’s hell when relationships go belly-up, and I don’t care if they are business relationships or relationships of the heart. If there’s an established bond of trust that is broken it’s gonna smart. And when the bond is broken unilaterally, it’s even worse. But what can you expect when you’re dealing with humans.

Surviving a break-up is not unlike surviving a death. In fact, the demise of a relationship is very much a death in every sense of the word. I believe that any relationship worth talking about has a life of its own; you see, it’s greater then the sum of its parts. I gotta tell ya, I see a lot of this in my private practice. A couple drags in their relationship and it’s immediately apparent that it’s on life support. They’ve actively throttled the relationship to within an inch of its life, and they want me to fix it. Most of the time the option to “fix” has long passed. All we can hope to do, at this point, is preside over the death of the thing, providing its passing with as much dignity as possible. But to tell the truth, when a relationship is in such grave condition, and there is very little good will left between the partners, sadly there’s not gonna be a lot of dignity when the thing finally expires. It breaks my heart, but what are ya gonna do?

Many years ago a therapist working with sick and dying people wrote a book called, On Death and Dying. In it the author, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, identified five stages of dying — 1. Denial: The initial stage: “It can’t be happening.” 2. Anger: “Why ME? This is so unfair!” 3. Bargaining: “Just let me live to see my son graduate.” 4. Depression: “I’m so sad, why bother with anything?” 5. Acceptance: “It’s going to be OK.”

I find it helpful to use these same identifiable stages to talk about the end of a relationship, particularly a relationship that ends unilaterally. If you don’t mind I’d like to walk through these stages with you so that you can see how applicable they are to someone in your situation.

Grieving the death of a loved one, or a relationship, involves the whole of us — our physical, emotional and social selves. We have to relearn, or cognitively adjust to, our new self without the loved one or relationship. Moving through the end of things is hard to work. And to survive it; we need be patient with ourselves. You, on the other hand, seem to be having a particular problem with this since you say you feel like a loser. That kind of mindset is not going be particularly helpful. So, if you can please jettison that kind of thinking. Or at least try to have a bit more compassion for yourself. Maybe you could shelf that self-deprecation for a while, until you get your bearings once again.

A person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and so she rejects it instead, insisting that it can’t possibly be true despite overwhelming evidence. This is Stage 1 — Denial! “Honey, I’m moving out. I’m getting a new job in a new state. Oh, and I have this new, much younger girlfriend too.” “This can’t be happening! Sure we’ve had our troubles, I’ll grant you that. But so does every relationship.” Denying the reality of the unpleasant fact may actually serve a purpose. It’s a coping mechanism for dealing with something overwhelming and too shocking to take in at once.

We have a gut-wrenching emotional response to the injustice, humiliation, and betrayal. This is Stage 2 — Anger. Depending on the kind of person we are, we may actively express our anger by lashing out verbally or physically. Or we may passively express our anger — turning it inward becoming silent, sulking or passive-aggressive. We may even consider harming our self as a way of punishing the other.

We try to fix what’s wrong. This is Stage 3 — Bargaining. “We can make this work! I’ll change, I promise! I know I can make you happy. Stay for the sake of the kids. What will the neighbors say? This will kill your mother! What does she have that I don’t have? You’ll never be able to show your face in this town again.” Hmmm, does any of this sound familiar, Valeri?

All our efforts to reverse the inevitable course of things leave us emotionally drained and exhausted. This is Stage 4 — Depression. Why bother with anything — family, friends, work, personal appearances, whatever — life as we knew it is over. We can’t seem to project ourselves beyond the ending of things. In the bleakness we often begin to self-medicate. A little too much food, booze, drugs? As if depression is not punishing enough, we often pile it on. I’ve heard some many people say; “hurting myself is the only thing that makes me feel I’m still alive.”

Slowly we begin to regroup. Maybe it’s through sheer willpower, or the interventions of friends and family, or maybe it’s just time itself. But we stop resisting and move toward acquiescence. This is Stage 5 — Acceptance. We stop resisting what we cannot change. Even if the end was un-chosen, undesired and inescapable, we can still willingly choose to accept it.

I hasten to add that these stages are guidelines. They are not presented in the order that they always happen. Nor is one stage predicated on the other. How long a person is in one stage or another is situational. However, I do hope this was helpful. What is certain is you will experience a wide range of feelings and emotions.

Some suggest the therapy of keeping yourself busy as a means of healing and moving on. This may sound elemental, but it’s not as easy as it seems. Most of us tend to wallow in our misery. We are way too indulgent with sitting on the pitty-pot. While you definitely need time to recover from the divorce, this period of heartache will have an end. And ends of things always led to beginnings of other things.

You now have certain freedoms that you may not have had while you were married. Once the initial period of grieving is over, it is important to jump back into life. Become more involved in your social group. Going out might seem unappealing at first, but it’s better than staying home and feeling sorry for yourself. If you’re only dating assholes, I’ll bet you’re fishing in the wrong holes, so to speak. The internet makes it so much easier to connect with quality people of ever stripe. Use this tool wisely. May I suggest that you start by connecting with people with similar interests as you, rather than posting a profile and photos on a dating site.

Of course, it is necessary to have some time with yourself to realize that you can survive and even be happy without your dick of a husband. The secret to successful grieving is that you need to feel the pain in order to get through it. Therefore, using drugs (prescription or recreational) and alcohol to numb yourself only make things worse.

You might consider working with a therapist to help you understand why your relationship ended. With a little luck you’ll learn how to avoid blaming yourself for the demise. No one is without fault, and your husband definitely has more than his share. But blaming him for everything will do you no good. You are neither totally to blame, nor are you the helpless victim. Lingering at either extreme will rob you of your self-esteem.

At first, being single might seem weird or even unappealing. But being single has its perks. Being single allows you to focus on you and take better care of yourself. And what better way to do that then by reconnecting with your sexual-self. Masturbation is gonna be your best friend during this transition period. Lavish time and pleasure on yourself. You’re worth it! Indulge yourself; instead of chocolate, get yourself a supped up vibrator and kick that thing into first gear, maybe even second! By spending more private sexual time with yourself, you’ll reconnect with who you are and what you want. This will make it easier for you to later choose a partner who can and will satisfy your needs.

Good luck

More of Sophia Sky – Podcast #227 – 08/18/10

Hey sex fans,

My friend, the exceptional educator, Sophia Sky, returns today with more of her excellent SEX WISDOM. I love talking to Sophia; she is so accessible and down to earth.  Yet her knowledge and perceptions on a wide range of topics are so insightful you can tell that they are the result of a life thoughtfully lived.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation that appeared here last week at this time, did you? Well don’t worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive, right here on my site. Look for the site’s search function in the sidebar to your right, type in Podcast #225 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Sophia and I discuss:

  • Processing pain — other applications;
  • Her connection with erotic art —
  • …Modeling;
  • …Performing;
  • The Little Red Studio;
  • The Seattle Erotic Art Festival;
  • Erotic art and porn;
  • Female oriented pornography;
  • Kink, BDSM, mind games and power play;
  • Preorgasmia and masturbation;
  • Her sexual heroes.

Sophia invites you into her world HERE!  Look for her on Twitter, Facebook, and FetLife too.

I’m taking a brief hiatus from podcasting while I work on the remodel of my websites. The next podcast will appear Monday, September 6th.

See another slideshow of Sophia at work and play.

Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=83]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: : Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Jesse Belle-Jones – Podcast #226 – 08/16/10


Hey sex fans,

We’re back today with Part 2 of my conversation with a true original, the incomparable burlesque talent Jesse Belle-Jones. This second part of our conversation comes to you as part of the Sex EDGE-U-cation podcast series, because as I explained last week, Jesse is twofer.

And here’s some absolutely astonishing news! Part 1 of my chat with Jesse, which appeared here last week, as part of The Erotic Mind series, is officially the most popular interview podcast to date. It broke all download records for a podcast in a single week; more then 3000 downloads in a single week that more than doubles the previous record my friends. So yaay for that!

But wait; did you somehow miss last week’s show? Don’t worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. Look for the search function in the sidebar to your right, type in Podcast #224 and PRESTO! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Jesse and I discuss:

  • What’s behind the resurgence of burlesque;
  • The “show us your tit” element of burlesque;
  • Playing dress-up for a living;
  • Art, performance or performance art;
  • Boylesque and gender expressions;
  • New directions for burlesque — fetish and kink;
  • What’s involved in what appears to be an effortless performance;
  • Sexual tension with her audience;
  • The role of the burlesque MC and audience response;
  • The therapeutic aspect of burlesque;
  • Her inspirations and sexual heroes.

Jesse invites you into her world. Visit her on her troupe’s site HERE! You’ll find her at the Naked Girls Reading site HERE! And for all you burlesque aficionados there BurlyCon HERE!

See another slideshow of Jesse at work and play.

Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=85]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll fine me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

I wanna take a moment to remind you to check out another great website in the Dr Dick family of sites. It’s my new PRODUCT REVIEW site — drdicksextoyreviews.com

That’s right, sex fans, now it’s so easy to see what hot and what’s not in the world of adult products. I review of all kinds of adult related goodies — sex toys for sure, but also condoms, lubes, herbal products, fetish gear as well as educational and enrichment videos. DON’T MISS A SINGLE ONE!

Look for the drdicksextoyreviews.com. You’ll be so glad you did.

Give it to me straight!

Name: Darren
Gender: Male
Age: 24
Location: Long Beach
I’m a 24-year-old straight male. On my second tour of duty in Iraq, I took some shrapnel in my back on account of an IED. I’ve been in a wheelchair, paralyzed from the waist down, ever since. I come from a very strict religious family so I never was sexually active before the marines. Now I’m back at home, and while my parents are great caregivers, I can’t talk to them about this. I’m afraid that I won’t ever get to have sex, but I want to. What should I do?

Tough break, pup! As if the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan weren’t bad enough, there is all this collateral damage to our brave and valiant service people. Damn. If we, your countrymen, don’t owe ya’ll every possible assistance, accommodation and convenience I don’t know what!

I’ll admit, your family’s religious scruples, coupled with your spinal cord injury, makes for a pretty daunting double whammy. So let’s start with some basics. Lots of people automatically think that a person in a wheelchair can’t have or is uninterested in sex. Your parents probably think this. They probably also believe that sex is only for married people and since you aren’t married and you’re in a chair, there’s no good reason to discuss the matter further. I encourage you not to sink to the lowest common denominator on this.

I suspect that since you still have a healthy interest in sex, and you want to get laid at some point…hopefully real soon. All we have to do is figure out a clever work-around to your current living situation. To that end, I have some questions for you. Are you afforded any private time and space in your parent’s home? Are you are getting some physical therapy at the veteran’s hospital or elsewhere? Are you in a spinal injury support group? Do you have any social outlets, other than the medical related ones? Do you still have some jar-head buddies who could swing by and pick you up and take you out?

The reason I ask all these questions is that, despite your disability, you’re gonna have to forge your own independent life away from, and out of the control of your parents — good people though they are. Many care-providers, despite their best intentions, have a tendency to smother the people they are caring for. Don’t let this happen to you. The only way you will find the fuck you are looking for is if you assert your independence. This move toward independence may have to happen incrementally, but you gotta get started.

Clearly you have access to the interents, or you wouldn’t have been able to contact to me. That’s a good start. The internet tubes is gonna be your best friend for the duration, count on it. Connect with other similarly challenged vets and civilians online. These folks will be a wealth of information for you about how to take the next steps — pardon the pun — toward independent living. If you’re not plugged into an ongoing spinal injury support group, make that happen ASAP. Like I said, these folks will have information and resources that the professionals who attend you do not have, or will not share. If there are any wheelchair fetishists out there, your support group will know about them. And I think you can be pretty certain that there are. You are following me on this, right Darren? Good!

Now, this is where your jar-head buddies will come in handy. Prevail upon them to be your transportation. Parents are good for getting you to and from the hospital and the like, but you don’t want to count on them to get you to a tryst or date, don’t cha know. One thing for certain, when connecting with chicks online or elsewhere you need to be pretty upfront about what you want and need. Remember, you have to compensate for people’s preconceived ideas about sex and disability.

I’ll grant you, this is a fine line to tread — again no pun intended — because you have to be upfront about your desires, but ya gotta do it without being a dickhead about it. You are also at a disadvantage for not having had the opportunity of hone your dating and seduction skills before Iraq. So you’re gonna have to do some remedial work now. In social situations — and you ought to be goin out to places other than hospitals and support groups — project yourself as a sexual being. Put out a sexual vibe. Not all geeky and weird, but as a matter of self-confidence, you’re a marine vet for Christ sake. That should be swagger and bragging rights enough.

And don’t forget, you know something that others may not know. You’re gonna be a freakin’ terror in the sheets, because you gonna be making up for a whole lot of lost time. Make eye contact and smile, be your charming devilish self. Whatever you do, don’t gawk at her tits. They may be pretty as all get out, and the object of your eternal desire, but please, keep a lid on it!

If you are unsure about your skills as a lover or you just need a little tutorial on how to please a woman, my I suggest you connect with a pro — ya know a sex worker. That’s right, it’s a time-honored way for guys in the service to lose their cherry. And you’re still sorta like in the service, right? Nowadays, connecting with just the right provider has never been easier, thanks again to the internets. See, I told you that the internet tubes was gonna be your best friend for the duration. Seriously, I suspect that you have lots to learn about the ins and outs of sex, — my final pun, i promise — so why not see a specialist?

One thing for sure, if you are having a difficult time carving out private time there in your parent’s home, or they are the snooping kind, keep your internet searches on a friend’s computer. You don’t want your parents finding out that you are indeed a sexual being looking to get his freak on. At least you don’t want them to find out till after you’ve established your independence. Because if they pull the plug on your internets before you’re on your own, because they think you are a big fat pervert sexual sinner, you’re gonna be shit out of luck, if ya catch my drift.

Good luck

Name: Mikhall
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Location: U of M
I’ve been having wet dreams since I was 13. I thought I would get over this by now, but it’s still happening. I’m in college now and I don’t want my roommate to think I’m some kind of freak. Is there anyway to make this stop?

I remember when I was a kid, I couldn’t have been more that 6 or 7, I overheard my older brother telling his friend he had had a wet dream. I couldn’t wrap my head around what he was saying. He was boasting, of course, and it had something to do with sex, that I knew for sure. But why was he so proud of wetting his bed? I was way to self-conscious to ask him about it, so I let my mind just spin out all these fantastic scenarios and boy, were they fantastic. My brother was really cool, so I was hoped I would have a wet dream one day too, but I was also dreading it all the same. Information about sex, when it comes in dribs and drabs like this, can really be confusing.

I finally had my first wet dream a few years later and I was surprised as hell to wake up with sticky wet sheets and PJs. Interestingly enough, I didn’t make the connection between what had just happened to me and what my brother had been talking about a couple of years earlier. So ok, I wasn’t all that swift when I was a kid. But just look at me now!

As I look back, I can’t honestly tell you how I figured the whole thing out. I did, however, discover that wet dreams had a more ominous technical name: a nocturnal emission. That was scary in and of itself.

So ok, here’s what we know about wet dreams. And you can bank in this info. When a guy begins puberty, somewhere between the ages of 9 and 13, he starts to produce sperm. Once that happens he’s able to ejaculate, even though he may not have discovered this on his own, ya know like through jerkin’ off. It is at this point that most guys experience their first wet dreams. While asleep our little boy cock rubs against the mattress or sheets, or we may unconsciously fondle ourselves till we squirt. Since this often happens while dreaming, or because of a dream with sexual overtones, a nocturnal emission is also call a sex dream, or the ever popular dirty dream.

Here’s something you might not know. Technically there is a difference between a nocturnal orgasm (which anyone can have at any age, even as and infant) and a nocturnal emission (which only males have and only after he reaches puberty).

I know you’re a bit exasperated, Mikhall, with the continuation of these pesky wet dreams, but it’s all quite normal and I might add, healthy. You clearly have a very active spooge production system. You’re body is producing an over abundance of spunk, more than you need. And it has to get rid of the excess somehow. Believe me, you really wouldn’t want it stay in your system; it wouldn’t be healthy. Embarrassment aside, you can be grateful that your bod is working properly and in harmony with nature.

Do you recall your first wet dream? Most guys tell me that they thought they had injured themselves, or they somehow got a sex disease. Too bad our parents don’t prepare us for this eventful night. Many kids are so filled with fear and embarrassment that they try to destroy the evidence — getting rid of the sheets, underwear or pajamas. Another confusing aspect of a kid’s first wet dream is the pleasure and arousal he feels. Those of us brought up in religious homes are often filled with shame by this disturbing occurrence.

Those of you who are familiar with Dr Dick’s background know that I was a Catholic priest for many years. I know, scary, huh? I don’t want to go off topic here and discuss my life as a priest now — we can save that for another time. What I want to point out here is that when I was in the saddle, so to speak, I often had the occasion to hear the confessions of young people. It was remarkable how often young men would confess to a wet dream, like if they had committed some heinous crime! What gives with a culture that instills such shame about things that are so natural and outside of our control?

Think of it this way, when your bladder gets full you take a wiz. When your prostate and seminal vesicles get full you take a jizz. It’s as simple and natural as all that. Now, if I were to guess, Mikhall, I’d speculate that, for whatever reason, you’re not masturbating all that much. Right? The reason I think that is, if you were relieving yourself of your joy juice, ya know like beatin’ off, you’d have less of a build up and fewer wet dreams, if any. Do you see where I’m headed with this? The same thing would be true if you didn’t relieve yourself when your bladder got full, you’d piss anyhow, only it would happen when you weren’t able to properly direct it. Get it? Got it? Good!

If you want to cut down on those embarrassing wet dreams, milk yourself before you sleep. This way you can direct your spooge into a proper receptacle, like a Kleenex or a dirty sock — just like all your peers.

I also want to remind you of the current research being done about masturbation. Australian researchers questioned over 1,000 men who had developed prostate cancer and 1,250 men who had not, about their sexual habits. They found those who had ejaculated the most between the ages of 20 and 50 were the least likely to develop prostate cancer.

The protective effect was greatest while the men were in their 20’s. Get this, men who ejaculated more than five times a week were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life.

Good luck!

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Mistress Matisse – Podcast #217 – 07/07/10

Hey sex fans,

Mistress Matisse is back with us again today and this week she’s here as part of the Sex EDGE-U-cation podcast series. As you know, this series takes a look at the world of fetish sex and kink with prominent educators, practitioners and advocates of unconventional sexual expressions and lifestyles from all over the world. And who better to talk with about all of this than my favorite sex columnist, blogger and podcaster, the internationally acclaimed Pro-Dom, Mistress Matisse.

But wait; did you happen to miss Part 1 of our conversation that appeared here last week at this time? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in my Podcast Archive. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the sidebar to your right; type in Podcast #215 and VOILÀ! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Matisse and I discuss:

  • Her comfort with self-identifying as a sex worker.
  • The practice involved with becoming an upfront sexual being.
  • Unlearning early messages about sex.
  • The “problem” with porn.
  • Endorphins and adrenaline in power play.
  • Being dominant and submissive.
  • How the language has changed as kink moved mainstream.
  • BDSM — recreation, cathartic and her profession.
  • At this point in her career.
  • Being polyamorous.
  • Tips for looking for sex-positive and kink-positive healing and helping professionals.

Matisse invites you to enter her world and visit her on one or all of her websites HERE, HERE or HERE! Or read her Control Tower column at The Stranger HERE!

See another slideshow of Matisse & friends at work and play.

Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=77]

 

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

 

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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