Has your sex life taken something of a nosedive in recent months? It’s likely, at this point in lockdown, that the answer is yes, since the majority of us fall into one of two camps: those who have been unable to see (or meet new) sexual partners; and those who have now been inseparable from the apple of their eye for a little bit too long. Throw in the stress and anxiety caused by current events, and it’s no wonder our libidos are feeling the effect. Research has shown that not only are we having sex less in lockdown, the quality of the sex we are having is lower.
So as lockdown restrictions start to ease, what can we do to spice up our sex lives? Here, Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, offers her expert advice.
Try listening to audio erotica
Tapping into our senses is an excellent way to address a flagging sex drive, and Sabat recommends audio erotica to help revive the libido, stimulate the mind and reconnect with your own – and your partner’s – sexuality. “One of its primary functions is to appeal to the body’s most important, and often neglected, sex organ: the brain,” she says. “Research has actually shown that listening to erotica can be one of the most successful practices women can utilise to achieve sexual satisfaction.”
Unlike pornography, which tends to cater to a male audience and focuses on the visual side of sex, audio erotica delivers the script via sound, encouraging our imaginations to go wild. “It’s great for couples because, when listening, each individual can engage with their own fantasies, preferences and turn-ons, while still connecting over the same storyline or narrative, as they act out the story that is being told.” Sabat says. Emjoy is but one of an array of audio erotica apps that offers guided sessions to get you started.
Consider the kind of pornography you watch
Since many forms of pornography are created with a male viewer in mind, it’s a good idea to look for erotica that is being made by women, for women, and that appeals to both sexes. “The story you watch is so important when choosing any form of erotica,” says Sabat. “And because of this I recommend women engage with porn that is going to engage their mind first and foremost, so that their pleasure, preferences and fantasies are able to come to life. By engaging with less conventional and more creative forms of pornography, individuals are better able to cultivate their sexual energy, because it allows people to connect their brains to their sexual desires more tangibly.”
Experiment with touch
Consider incorporating touching “rules” to up the ante on your intimate time together. “You may want to lie together, listening to an audio story, with a no-hands policy in place,” suggests Sabat. “Equally, you might be curious about experimenting with mutual masturbation. My best advice is to let the story build heat and tension between you and your partner and to enjoy that feeling – the mind is so powerful!”
Schedule sex
It may sound a bit, well, unsexy, but making plans for intimacy can actually ensure you look forward to and enjoy precious time together: “Not only will you both feel mounting excitement by looking forward to it throughout the day, but you’ll both feel less on edge, knowing what to expect. Use this dedicated day or hour as a special time for intimacy, exploration and play, and engage with one another’s pleasures,” says Sabat.
Masturbate and explore yourself
“It’s important to remember every sexual experience begins within ourselves, and masturbation embodies this journey. Beyond stimulating our sex drive, self-pleasure allows us to connect with our minds and bodies within a context we often aren’t able to explore,” says Sabat. “It can help us really focus on what we enjoy, without worrying about anyone else, and this can be excellent for both our own wellbeing and our sex life as a whole.” Getting to know our bodies allows us to understand what makes us tick, what doesn’t, and importantly makes us better able to communicate what we want and need, with confidence.
They say the mind is the biggest, most powerful sex organ in the body. But, uh, don’t try visualizing that mental image too vividly or literally, unless you’re into that sorta thing?
Instead, imagine your favorite fictional crush pressing you up against a wall, or think back to the hottest sex you ever had in your life. Now stop imagining, because this magical place where all your desires are possible and acceptable exists. And literally anyone can tap into it.
While sexual fantasies are by definition not “real,” their effects on your sex life (especially when explored during masturbation) are — shall we say — palpably physical.
“Engaging your imagination rather than relying on visual porn for example helps to build, enhance and strengthen your erotic mind,” said Dr. Britney Blair, co-founder and Chief Science Officer of the sexual wellness Lover app. “You can bring that imagination to life when you want to prime the pump on your desire or push yourself over the edge to climax while solo or with a partner.”
“It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on.”
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with porn or other forms of erotica. But there’s something especially powerful in orgasming to smut that couldn’t be more personally tailored to what you like.
“In our minds we’re not confined to our studio apartments or our current sexual partners. There are no rules or judgments. Not even the laws of physics apply,” said Gina Gutierrez, co-founder of the popular audio erotica app Dipsea. “It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on and to scrap the ones that don’t work for us.”
Don’t take our word for it, though. There’s science to show exactly how real the effects of a healthy erotic imagination are.
“The mind is really the recipient of all the body’s sensations. So there’s this empirical evidence of a huge connection between the mind and pleasure,” she said.
While everyone can benefit from using their imagination as a sexual aid, it’s an especially potent practice for women and others who society has conditioned to feel ashamed about their sexuality.
“We have to do more work to lay down the connections, the neural pathways, between the genitals and the brain’s sensory reward regions,” said Wise. “Using your imagination to masturbate not only gives us the information about what stimulation we need, but also actually strengthens the connections between our genitals and the brain.”
Beyond that, getting off to our own sexual fantasies tackles another negative effect that patriarchy can have on women’s sexuality.
“We’re socialized to think of ourselves as the objects of other people’s desires, like we need to borrow someone else’s idea of pleasure” said Wise. That’s why learning how to be the subject of our own desires, to embody the pleasure we conjure up in our own mind, can be so empowering.
Everyone with a brain, genitals, and desire is already equipped to masturbate to their own sexual fantasies. And while the practice does come more naturally to some, it only takes little guidance and patience to unlock the endless possibilities tucked inside your erotic mind.
Set the right environment
A major key in setting your mind up for erotic success is to ensure your environment allows your brain to feel fully relaxed, safe, and free from distraction.
Pick a time and place where you’ll have full privacy without needing to worry about any interruption, whether from roommates or notifications. For most people, that place will naturally be the bedroom. But put some effort into also making it a true fortress of sensual solitude, like by locking the door, setting your phone to airplane mode, putting on an eye mask, or maybe even using some essential oils and putting on your favorite sexy playlist.
Blair even recommends purposefully scheduling these more exploratory kind of session and making them habitual. So maybe it can be something you add to your nightly ritual before bed: Brush your teeth, do the skincare routine, put on some pajamas, then let your mind wander as you touch yourself.
Create a safe space in your mind
Of course, priming yourself with the right mindset is vital to unlocking your brain’s full fantasy potential.
One of the biggest hurdles to exploring our erotic imaginations is actually the engrained social shame many of us have picked up (even subconsciously) through sexism, homophobia, social stigmas, religion, etc.
“It’s important to know if that is coming up for you, you’re not alone. But there is no such thing as a wrong or right fantasy.” said Blair.
Treat your imagination as a judgement-free zone. To be fair, clearing or redirecting your mind away from feelings of shame is easier said than done. But certain exercises can help (which we’ll get into more in the mind-body connection section below).
Blair suggests that, while exploring sexual fantasies in your mind, try to distinguish between when you’re having a reaction versus a judgment to a certain scenario. Judgments often come from values imposed on you by something or someone else, while visceral reactions can be an indication that your mind wants to explore it further — especially if it’s something your never thought you’d be into.
It’s easy to get scared off by an intense response to a fantasy, and write that off as being too weird or outside the norm for your taste. But if you give yourself a second to assess where that response is coming from, you might actually find that the intensity comes from a part of you that you’ve never tried tapping into before.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime.”
Or maybe not, and that’s fine too. The point is, if you feel safe doing it, just try leaning into parts of your erotic mind that feel challenging and see where it goes.
“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime,” said Blair. “Whatever turns you on in your mind is totally healthy. Your fantasy doesn’t say anything about you except that you are lucky to have a rich imagination that you can use to have an exciting and enduring erotic life.”
That’s another major benefit of sexual fantasies versus traditional porn, too. You don’t have to worry about any ethical concerns, because your imagination can’t hurt you or anyone else. You’re in total control.
“You imagination is a completely safe space,” said Dipsea’s Gutierrez. “We can play out fantasies that are risky or illicit that we would never actually want to happen in real life. In our minds we’re free to experiment without consequences.”
Familiarize yourself with (but don’t feel limited by) common sexual fantasies
While the whole point is to tap into the unique potential of your own mind, a good jumping off point is to explore whether the most common sexual fantasies spark your interest. Researchers have labeled them into different categories, though there’s a world of possibilities within those labels as well.
Dr. Blair described these categories as multi-partner sex like group sex or threesomes; power, control, or rough sex; novelty, adventure, and variety; taboo and forbidden sex; partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships; passion and romance; and erotic flexibility like homoeroticism or gender-bending.
Jess O’Reilly is a sex educator, author of The New Sex Bible, and Astroglide’s resident sexologist. She explained that through each of these fantasy categories you can help identify the specific core erotic feelings that get you into a heightened state of arousal.
“Oftentimes, they relate to fantasy, escapism or subverting otherwise ‘negative’ emotions. You might find that sex is really hot when you feel powerful, submissive, challenged, mindful, or playful,” she said. “You may also find yourself aroused by feelings that you don’t naturally associate with pleasure, like jealousy, inadequacy, fear, and even humiliation can be exciting.”
What our brains often gravitate to most is pure novelty. What gets you off in a fantasy can actually be the total opposite of your real-life sexual orientation or even completely removed from you, as an abstract scenario happening to someone else entirely.
So don’t be weirded out if you learn that you’re as horny for that fish-god monster from The Shape of Water as the Academy Awards were in 2018. Or maybe you’re one of the many women who enjoys a rape fantasy — which, as Dr. Wise points out, in a fantasy context is the opposite of a real-life rape since, “you’re choosing to have the fantasy and who’s overpowering you. You’re in complete control.”
One other general rule of thumb Wise found is that while men tend toward more visually-oriented fantasies centered around preferred body parts, women tend to focus on overall scenarios. However, it’s impossible to distill the endless possibilities of human sexuality into neat categories. Which is why you also shouldn’t get discouraged or ashamed if none of these common fantasies do it for you.
“Our capacity for imagination is limitless,” said Wise. Don’t feel pressure to confine yours to a specific label.
Start building your erotic imagination through fiction, porn, memories… anything!
The truth is that, while other obstacles might make it hard initially to give yourself permission to explore sexual fantasies, using your imagination is a very natural and innate part of being human. Who doesn’t fantasizing about getting up from their desk in the middle of a hard work day and quitting, or spend time daydreaming about how they’d furnish their dream apartment?
“We make Pinterest boards and save Instagram photos, collect and catalog all these things that we like. I recommend starting to do that for your sex life,” said Gutierrez. “Become more mindful observing what attracts you to someone. The moments where you feel sexiest. What you want to say out loud during sex but hesitate to. Then the next time you want to use your fantasy for pleasure, you know exactly where to draw from.”
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.
We all have that one fictional character or public figure — whether from books, tv, movies, video games, or even politics and the internet — that just does it for us. Begin there, expanding into a specific sexy scene that got you going or whatever comes to mind when you think of that person. Heck, maybe you’re like me and realize that a silky, authoritative voice is actually your kink, leading a bunch of non-erotic popular podcasts to become your go-to spank bank material.
Audio erotica can be a great place to start if you don’t want to take the training wheels off yet to explore sexual fantasies of your own making. Unlike visual porn, audio erotica still exercises the muscles of your erotic imagination, asking you to fill in the details and paint the full picture. While we always recommend Dipsea, there’s also plenty of free ways to try audio erotica like r/gonewildaudio and Girl on the Net.
Once you’re ready to bring yourself more to the forefront of the fantasy, begin with a memory of the hottest, most visceral sex you’ve ever had. Really ground yourself back in that moment by recalling your senses: What position were you in? What did the person’s lust feel like? Were you sweating? How exactly did they touch you?
Touch yourself while pulling from all the erotic mental material you’ve curated, and don’t be afraid to really get your whole body involved in mimicking the sensations you’re creating through your mind. Maybe that means masturbating while you’re on all fours, or matching the tempo of the fantasy, or even dry-humping a pillow. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to orgasm throughout any of this, though, and instead just zero in on embodying the experience of your imagination.
“It’s about giving yourself full permission to explore all our internal pleasure places, and how we experience them in both our minds and bodies at the same time,” said Wise.
Try these exercises to strengthen your mind-body connection
Through her research and other studies in the field, Wise has ultimately found that, “This distinction we make between the mind and body is really a very arbitrary one.”
One of the best ways to embrace this in a way that engages your erotic fantasy life in is through something called mindful sex.
This increasingly popular branch of sex therapy describes a bunch of different practices and exercises that add a layer of sexuality to mindfulness, to help you stay present in your body while experiencing pleasure, train your mind to focus on whatever arouses you, and engage in a non-judgmental curious sexual mindset. Try out basic exercises like pleasure mapping (which Dipsea has a guide for), mindful masturbation (which you can read about here), and sensate focus (which you can read about here).
Wise also suggests a very simple exercise for getting your imagination more connected with your genitals on a neurological level: Just start by tapping or pleasurably touching your genitals, then stop, then think back on the sensations you felt while touching them. Try to recall and summon them back in your body: What did it feel like in your body when the stimulation was building, then dissipating?
At first, it might not feel like much at all and the pleasure may be pretty mild compared to what you’re used to while using more immediate erotic visual aids like porn.
“But you’ll slowly start to develop a better connection to that pleasure sensation channel in your brain,” she said.
Use your imagination during partnered sex
While sexual fantasies are a great way to enhance self-love, learning how to engage with them during partnered sex can also do wonders to get people over the edge and into orgasm.
At this point though, you might be wondering: Is it even OK to fantasize about other situations — or maybe even other people — while having sex with a partner?
“It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
“Yes, it’s an unequivocal yes! Because thinking about stuff is not the same as doing it,” said Wise. As the famous saying goes, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”
It’s totally normal for your mind to desire novelty, especially if you’re not in a new relationship anymore. In fact, Wise found that one of the best ways to ensure a couples’ longevity is precisely this kind of openness and understanding that people need to fuel their erotic imagination with new stuff.
“If we can get over these kind of hang ups, get past this fear of our partners having a fantasy about somebody else while they’re with us, and instead use it as an opportunity talk about: What would you like? What haven’t we tried? What are you afraid to tell me? Because that’s hot. That’s really hot,” said Wise.
Or maybe instead of thinking about someone else, you’d simply rather use your imagination during partnered sex to transport you both to a setting or scenario that heightens your arousal even more.
In the end, what you do with your erotic imagination is up to you. You can share it if you’d like — or keep it all to yourself. That’s what’s so great about sexual fantasies you cut from your own cloth: They’re all yours, and no one else’s.
Many romantic partners are quarantined in separate homes, and online think pieces are falling all over themselves to teach us how to sext and how to plan the perfect long-distance date. While some couples can keep their relationships afloat by flinging the occasional nude into the cloud, those who crave consensual power exchange have been left to fend for ourselves.
Maybe you and your partner have an established kink dynamic. Maybe you’re tired of whispering, “Sit on my face,” into the phone and you’re yearning for variety. Maybe you swiped right on a BDSM-loving babe and have decided to be her Zoom daddy for the foreseeable future. Good news: there are no geographic limits to being a kinky slut, and I’m willing to lend you my perverted imagination.
First, some definitions: BDSM is acronym that can be broken down into three parts — B&D (bondage and discipline), D/s (dominance and submission) and S&M (sadism and masochism). BDSM falls under the larger “kink” umbrella, which includes any “unconventional” sexual practice (whatever that means for you) and consensual power play. Kink and BDSM don’t always involve sex. I’ve included some long-distance kink ideas that involve sexual stimulation and others where the orgasms are optional.
Safety First
You can’t shove your sweetie’s face into the mattress and flog them into next year while social distancing, but that doesn’t mean you should ditch your safe word. Since long-distance kink is often verbal, you’ll have an opportunity to discover fantasies that live in the deepest, most fucked up recesses of your mind (fun, huh?). You’ll both feel safer exploring that space if you have a word that lets your partner know it’s time to tap out.
Distance also requires us to reframe aftercare, which is how kinky people refer to the time and attention we give to each other when we’re coming down from an intense physical and/ or psychological experience. Aftercare typically involves touch. In a virtual kink scenario, aftercare might look like a verbal debrief of the roleplay you just enjoyed. It might involve sending each other calming playlists or Facetiming while you share videos of labradors learning how to surf. This won’t feel like the IRL aftercare you may have experienced before, so you’ll have to experiment (and communicate) to meet each other’s needs
Once you’ve discussed safety and boundaries, you’re ready to dive in.
Use Your Words
Since you’re not sharing a physical space, you’ll have to do some storytelling to get each other off. Talk about a kinky experience you shared pre-quarantine. List the vicious things you’d do to each other if you were in the same space now.
Do you or your partner have particular words or phrases that get you into a kinky headspace? Maybe you like to be a “good girl” or a “slut.” Maybe your partner likes to be called “Daddy,” “Mistress” or “Sir.” Sometimes a simple “please” is all it takes to thrust someone into power play mode. If you’re experimenting with a new person or if you don’t already know your partner’s kinky buzzwords, ask! Make a list. Use them with abandon.
Role Play
Role play is often rooted in power play, and this is an ideal time to stretch your fantasies to their creative limits. Is teacher/ student role play your thing? Assign your student a book report. Grade it. Make them spank themself on video chat for each grammatical error. Does doctor/ patient play turn you on? Turn your Zoom meeting into a telehealth appointment. I know you have latex gloves.
Follow Instructions
Kink is full of instructions (“Stay still;” “Get on your knees;” “Be a good boy”). Instructions can fuel a kinky video chat or phone call, but they can also keep your heart pounding throughout an entire day. Experiment with immediate demands (“Take a photo of your ass right now and text it to me”), daily tasks (“I want you to polish all of your boots every morning while I watch”) or hourly tasks (“I want you to masturbate every hour on the hour, but don’t let yourself have an orgasm”). Raise the stakes with rewards and punishments.
Practice Orgasm Control
Orgasm control can involve forcing, delaying or denying a partner’s orgasm as a form of power play. When you’re not in the same space, you can control a partner’s orgasms verbally (“You’re not allowed to come until I give you permission”) or physically using an app-compatible sex toy or chastity device.
We-Vibe makes multiple toys (including vaginal toys, butt plugs and underwear vibes) that can be operated from a cell phone. These toys are powerful and versatile, but they’re definitely pricey. If you have the funds to order one, you can wear it throughout the day and let your partner control it all day long. After a full day of edging, your evening phone sex will be electric.
Chastity devices prevent the wearer from receiving sexual pleasure. Chastity cages are designed for penises and are available at most sex toy retailers, and the more flexible options can be safely worn for long periods of time. Most of them allow the wearer to use the bathroom even when they’re locked in, so you can instruct your sub to stay in their cage all day. Chastity belt options for folks with vulvas are fairly limited, but I found some hot options on Etsy (just be aware that you won’t be able to pee while wearing one of these and plan accordingly).
Send Snail Mail
We’re in the midst of a pandemic, so it’s not the best time time to mail your worn, wet underwear your your long-distance darling. That said, receiving any form of mail that’s not a bill feels exciting, especially right now, and there are plenty of other physical objects that can make your long-distance play feel a little more personal. Send your partner a sex toy from your local sex toy store. Tell them you want them to use while you watch on video chat. Mail your sub a collar. Send lingerie or leather or latex and demand a photo shoot. Handwrite erotica. Make something that fulfills a roleplay fantasy (perhaps your student needs a report card?).
Let Someone Else Do The Work
Sex workers have been hit hard by Covid-19. The risk of infection has made in-person work dangerous for sex workers and their clients, and many people in the sex industry don’t qualify for unemployment or other government relief funds. Now is the time to pay sex workers for their expertise! Buy your partner an online domination session. Purchase a video clip from your favorite domme’s website or OnlyFans page. You’ll be supporting a worker whose livelihood is in jeopardy, and you’ll be getting hot content in return (and if you have extra dollars to spare, donate to your local sex worker relief fund or SWOP chapter).
Plan for Your Kinky Future
Long-distance power play is possible, but you can’t exactly fulfill someone’s kidnapping fantasy while remaining six feet away. When social distancing no longer keeps you and your partner apart, what do you want to do to each other? Create a kinky wish list of spankings and rope bondage and play parties. Looking forward to future exploits might help you stay grounded while you wait for the world to be closer to normal. We have no idea when that will be, but at least we can stay wet while we wait.
“Not a human being on this planet is built for 24/7 with somebody else,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. (Photo illustration by Nathalie Cruz, Yahoo Life)
Studies show that couples are having less sex during the pandemic, even though experts say the health benefits of sex are exactly what is needed during these stressful times.
“There’s all this rhetoric around, everyone’s watching more porn and everyone’s buying more sex toys and then there’s going to be this baby boom,” Isharna Walsh, founder and CEO of the sex and intimacy app Coral, tells Yahoo Life.
“But I think the reality of what we’re seeing from the surveys and polls that we’re running is that people are having less sex and they’re masturbating less, but they feel that it’s even more important,” she says.
In an April survey of 700 users, Coral found that 66 percent of respondents say intimacy and connection feels more important since the start of the pandemic, but 38 percent say they are having sex less often. Walsh describes tension in many relationships right now during the pandemic, with new sources of stress that she describes as “a pressure cooker.”
“There’s no space from our partner and spaces are often what creates that desire and eroticism. We don’t get to see our partner from afar in this current context. So a lot of people are struggling with desire,” she says.
Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and the chief scientific adviser to dating site Match.com, says the realities of spending so much time with a significant other during the pandemic is simply not natural. She tells Yahoo Life that for millions of years, couples lived in hunter and gatherer groups where the men would go on hunting expeditions and be gone for several days in a row.
“We were not built for 24/7, she says,” “Even in the finest of relationships, you’re going to need to alter your daily habits in various ways that meet this crisis,” she says.
Our @kinseyinstitute research finds that many people are reporting declines in their sex life & relationship right now, but some are reporting improvements. People are more likely to report improvement to the extent that they tried new sexual activities. https://t.co/WIxpHgd4l3
She and her boyfriend found a solution to this problem.
Every day, they come up with a schedule for the day: “We set a schedule. We have our safe spaces. We know when we’re going to work. We know when we’re going to play. And, we know when we’re going to make love,” she says.
Even before the pandemic, Fisher and her boyfriend employed this sort of schedule. She says the routine – and the respect of each other’s time and boundaries — has helped them to navigate. “When I have to walk within three feet of him to go to the kitchen or various other things, I never look at him. I never talk to him. If I want to ask him a question, I say, ‘Sweetie, can I interrupt you for a minute?’”
And then when the time comes to be together, Fisher says it’s more exciting.
“You just can’t be spontaneous right now under the circumstances,” says Chris Kraft, director of clinical services at the Johns Hopkins University. He says that as the pandemic nears the two-month mark, couples who initially enjoyed being together during the stay-at-home orders tell him that things are changing.
“They’re starting to feel very self-conscious about their body image, being healthy, being active, not working out,” he says. “I’m seeing more of that become preventative to intimacy and being sexual for some longer-term couples in the epidemic.”
He says stress and anxiety often decreases sexual desire, especially for women. “Very few women turn to being sexual when they’re stressed,” he says. “The stress and the increased anxiety, frustrations, isolation factors are probably harder on female members of a couple as far as affecting their desire.”
And if a couple is raising children, Kraft says sex is a real challenge. His advice: plan, plan, plan.
“I’ve got a couple of couples that’ll be intimate early in the morning because the kids aren’t really up. In fact, earlier in the day is a better time to be sexual than later, after they were tired and worn down from a day,” he says.
Walsh says the most important thing for couples to realize during the pandemic is that sex is critical to wellness.
“Right now, especially when we’re surrounded by health concerns and potentially death, intimacy can feel like an indulgence and pleasure might feel like a priority that doesn’t make sense, but it’s incredibly important for physical and mental health.”
Fisher agrees.
“We’ve evolved three distinctly different brain systems for mating and reproduction. One is the sex drive. The second is feelings of intense romantic love, and the third is feelings of deep attachment,” she says. “When you actually get in bed with somebody and have sex with somebody, you can stimulate all three of these basic brain systems … and they’re all very good for you.”
How good? Really good.
Fisher says the benefits of regular sex with someone you love increases energy, focus, motivation and optimism, increases pain threshold, boosts the immune system, is good for heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, promotes sleep, lowers the stress hormone cortisol, increases dopamine (associated with feelings of intense romantic love) and elevates mood. “The reason that it elevates mood is because in seminal fluid are all kinds of chemicals that are very good for the brain,” she says.
“And with orgasm, there’s a real flood of oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is associated with feelings of trust and attachment.”
Fisher says catastrophes like the pandemic push people to assess their relationships and make decisions. “Sex is a very central part of most relationships. If it’s bad, it will get worse. And if it’s good, it will get better.”
Walsh says the Coral app has seen a 60 percent spike in new users in April. She says the app, which includes exercises for partners to increase intimacy, is one way to consciously cultivate and work on our sex lives.
“I think people are thinking about their relationships. They’re recognizing the value of their relationships, and they’re now thinking more about ‘How do I invest in this?’ ‘How do I improve it?’” says Walsh. “I think giving permission to prioritize it is really important.”
Here are expert tips to boost intimacy during the pandemic:
Continuity: Kraft says having sex regularly is critical. “I think the sweet spot is once a week if people can maintain it.” But Dr. Fisher says studies she’s conducted show both men and women believe having sex two to three times per week is ideal.
Plan to have sex: “If you don’t have kids or you’ve got the opportunity to get rid of the kids for the night to the grandparents — have a date night. Get dressed up, you look nice, you make an effort to turn all of the devices off and set a mood, to delineate intimate time from everyday time,” says Walsh. Kraft says having planned times for intimacy can also create something to look forward to and can help build desire.
Create intimacy: Kraft recommends creating a space to be together in circumstances that might lead to intimacy. “Maybe it’s a walk, maybe it’s laying and cuddling or massaging and just sort of connecting in bed … and then let that grow,” he says. Walsh recommends a massage or a bath together with candles. “Something where you can create a bit of space where the pressure is off to allow both people to opt in to coming together in a sensual setting,” she says.
Self-care: “Self-care is crucial to manage stress and anxiety,” says Kraft. He recommends meditation, exercise, connecting with friends and family and being playful with each other.
Communicate: Some of the big things that people fight about in relationships are money, children, in-laws and sex. “And if you are in a relationship where you fight about sex, this lockdown is going to be probably more difficult because you don’t have any excuses,” says Dr. Fisher. Dr. Kraft agrees: “Bottom line is that the emphasis always needs to be on the communication, the talking, checking in about the sex life,” he says. “Because it really has to be done as a team. … It can’t be one person trying to drive at all,” he says.
There’s still so much stigma around the topic of sex but these authors don’t shy away from every detail you need to know to score the best kind. From breaking down the science behind it to illustrating ALL the positions, these books will help you and your partner understand more about what it is you’re doing, how to build more intimacy and ultimately have a little more fun in the hay. Enjoy!
Scientists are learning more about how women’s sexuality works and Come as You Are explains it all. One nugget: we all have our own sexuality, like fingerprints, plus learn to understand how stress, mood, trust, and body image are central to a woman’s sexual well-being and how to influence these factors for better sex.
NYC couples therapist Esther Perel, a respected voice on “erotic intelligence,” goes into how to keep sexual desire sustainable when you’re in a long-term relationship/married. Perel’s witty, wise and straightforward advice made this one an international bestseller.
Based on the popular research behind her Whores of Yore project, Kate Lister uses humor and a sharp wit to write about the history of sex, debunking myths, challenging stereotypes and making you wonder has anything really changed?
Cosmopolitan has never been shy about the topic of sex and here the editors have put together a guide of sex positions and hot tips to get you and your someone in the mood.
Gregoire talks about the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex compared to our culture’s obsession on the more shallow aspects. Hear from other “good girls” on how to truly enjoy sex in marriage.
The best-selling author of Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers takes another hilarious and OMG look at the science behind making sex so much more satisfying. She answers all the questions: Can you think yourself to an orgasm? Why doesn’t Viagra help women? Is vaginal orgasm a myth? And more.
The title says it all: 366 positions, leap year included!, to keep things exciting and calorie-burning (for real, they crunched the numbers) this year and beyond. Grab a rocking chair, cowboy hat and other “equipment” to experiment with your favorite bed buddy.
Dr. Faith, the best-selling author of Unf*ck Your Brain, breaks down the rules (and science) for being in a loving, intimate relationship with yourself and others. This is a great read for those healing from a past relationship and who want to make better choices in the next one, or those looking to rekindle some magic with the one you love.
You’ve probably heard a thing or two about BDSM(at the very least, you’ve watched Fifty Shades of Grey and thought about converting your S.O.’s video game room into a red room). The term stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadochism and machocism.
Maybe you’ve dabbled in it a bit, maybe you haven’t. But for those who are interested in spicing up their sex life in both an emotional and physical way, you might want to learn about shibari—BDSM’s sort-of, kind-of cousin.
If you’ve already binged Netflix’s new dating show Too Hot to Handle, you probably saw the contestants practice shibari in one of the challenges and thought: Wait, what the hell is happening? And while I personally loved seeing Harry getting tied up, I’m p sure the show isn’t the best place for understanding and learning what shibari is (lol)—but thankfully, this article is.
Not only can shibari be enjoyed by all genders, body types, and sexual orientations, but it’s a great means to bring healthy communication, trust, and spice into your sex life. With the help of four experts, here’s everything you need to know about the rope bondage about to change your sex life.
Okay, so what is shibari?
“Shibari is a contemporary form of rope bondage that originated in Japan. Sometimes it’s called kinbaku, but it’s most simply referred to as Japanese bondage,” says sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage. And yes, while shibari can be used as a means for sexual pleasure, historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two partners, says sexpert Gabi Levi.
(Fun fact to impress your friends on trivia night with: The word shibari actually means “tying” and kinbaku means “tight binding,” says Jonathan Ryan, an international rope artist based in Seattle.)
How is it different than regular bondage?
Bondage, in general, can use any kind of restriction—handcuffs, tape, ties, scarves, etc.—but shibari refers exclusively to the practice of using rope, or rope-like material, to bind yourself or partner, says sex educator Rev. Rucifer. “Shibari is often not just about the sensation of restriction, but also about the intimate connection between the rigger and receiver.”
And while rope bondage is used commonly in BDSM practices anyway, “Shibari stands out for its striking visual aesthetic and emphasis on the emotional and psychological connection between the participants,” says Ryan.
How should you and your partner start if you’re interested in trying shibari?
Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must. “Because rope bondage involves restraint and power dynamics, the person being tied may not express boundaries clearly,” says Ryan. “For that reason, be sure to have a clear discussion beforehand about what you both want out of the experience, what is on and off the table, and how you’ll communicate if there is an issue,” he continues.
It’s worth developing a safe word (like “pineapple” or “red”) that could relay to your partner the scene is going too far or there’s a boundary being crossed. Here are some questions you should ask and answer with your partner beforehand:
What do you look and sound like when things feel good to you?
How will I know if you’re having fun?
How will I know when I need to change course?
What kind of mood or feelings do we want to have while we play (rough, tender, naughty, cared for, etc.)?
Once you have boundaries established, you should get familiar with the basics. Here are some things you’ll need to know in order to get started:
Learn how to tie a “single-column tie” (like a Somerville Bowline) because that’s the foundation of the practice, suggests Ryan. Here’s a video tutorial.
Start with a floor tie rather than going straight into suspension, says Rucifer. This ensures that you practice the proper methods before jumping into in-air suspension.
Have safety sheers on hand… for obvious reasons.
Make sure you have a safe and comfortable space to play. It should be familiar to both parties.
The preferred material of rope is jute because it’s a strong natural fiber, but hemp and cotton will work too.
Lastly, educate yourself with videos, resources, books, and anything else you can find on the subject to ensure healthy and safe practices. This rope bottom guide is great if you want to be the person tied up. This website offers general education about shibari from trained educators. And this how-to video can properly get you started if you’re new to this world.
So why should my partner and I try shibari instead of regular bondage?
All BDSM practices require high levels of trust and communication, but for shibari, there’s sometimes a more intimate and emotionally-binding (pun intended) component to it. “The sensation of being tied up is not the sensation of being ‘trapped’ but rather lends itself to the idea of completely letting go of the physical bounds and allowing for that deep, emotional catharsis to take place,” says Levi.
“The play between the power dynamics and the release of control from the bottom to the top creates an intimate dance of trust and connection between partners. This often creates deep emotional connection, sometimes experienced as crying, euphoria or simply a feeling of a deeper connection,” says Rucifer.
Any tips, tricks, or benefits of trying shibari?
Blindfolds will make everything significantly more fun. “These take the pressure off the new adventurer and enhance the sensation for the person bottoming,” says Midori.
Keep things simple and sexy. No need to overcomplicate the ties.
Relish in the untying part too—don’t just focus on the aesthetics of tying your partner. “Take your time to savor that—it’s often when the skin and body is really awake to sensuality,” says Midori.
Let’s be real. Even for those of us who have a generally open-minded, been-there-done-that attitude about sex, the thought of anal sex can still seem a little scary if you’ve gone there. For one reason or another, anal is usually the final frontier sexually — and there can be a whole lot of buildup.
But our greatest fears often lie in anticipation, and once you give anal a go, you might just find that you’ve been missing out on something that can actually be really hot and satisfying. We checked in with some experts and asked them to take the mystery out of anal sex, and they schooled us on some positions that can help ease you into your first time to actually make it an enjoyable experience.
Arm yourself with these tips and a lot of lube, and you’re on your way to one kick-ass time.
Cowgirl (or cowboy)
In the traditional cowgirl position, your partner lies down while you mount on top — yeehaw! As the partner on top, you can ease into anal penetration by moving up or down as needed. Pro tip: Make sure your bottom partner does not begin to thrust until you’re good and ready.
Certified Master Sex Expert and Educator, Sex Coach and “So Tight” Sensual Fitness Personal Trainer Nikki Ransom endorses the cowgirl position for anal newbies. She explains, “This position will allow you to control the pace and depth that his penis goes inside of you. Remember to go at an easy pace and stay relaxed. It helps to have had an orgasm already and be highly aroused.”
Jessica O’Reilly (a.k.a. Dr. Jess, Ph.D.), author, international speaker and PlayboyTV’s sexologist, offers an alternative to the cowgirl in her book The New Sex Bible, “If she doesn’t like the sensation of deep penetration, but he desires more stimulation against the base of his shaft, she can reach backwards with a warm, wet hand to grasp the lower half of his shaft. Her hand becomes an extension of her butt while providing a physical buffer to ensure only shallow penetration.”
Doggy style
This position is most often associated with anal because it has major advantages. As the partner on the bottom, you can stay loose as you control penetration to increase pleasure. Getting busy on all fours may be your best bet if you have attempted and found anal painful in the past.
Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, co-authors of Designer Relationships, Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, recommend doggy style for first-timers and those who may have had an unpleasant experience before. The couple says, “Anal sex should never be painful. Always use plenty of lube and proceed slowly and gently.” Ransom adds, “Rub and stimulate your clitoris too to make it even more pleasurable.”
In The New Sex Bible, Dr. Jess has a different take on doggy-style anal sex. She recommends the modified doggy to give the receptive partner more control, support intimacy and provide the opportunity for double penetration. Dr. Jess explains, “She assumes a kneeling position with her butt cheeks on her heels and her knees spread wide open. She places her hands on her knees or the bed for support. He assumes the same position behind her and adjusts his height so that the head of his [penis] rests below her bum. He remains static as she lowers herself onto his head and takes a few deep breaths before sliding farther down his shaft. She drives her butt and hips up and down at her own pace as he reaches around to fondle her breasts or rub her clitoris.”
Face to face
This position is preferred if you are looking for extra intimacy during the act. Start with your partner sitting as you mount his lap, face-to-face. Once again — as the partner on top, you can control depth of penetration to stay comfy. Face-to-face anal has the added bonus of extra stimulation for a woman: breasts, clitoris, go crazy!
Johnson and Michaels love face-to-face anal for the toe-tingling intimacy it provides. They confirm, “This position facilitates using eye contact and breath to build even more arousal.”
Dr. Jess agrees. She says, “I like this position as it allows the ‘mounter’ to exercise a good amount of control of the depth and rhythm of penetration. Wear a vibrating c*** ring for this one to provide extra pleasurable sensations as the top partner grinds against his shaft.”
Good old missionary with a twist
When it comes to anal, missionary will never steer you wrong. Approach this favorite vanilla sex position with a backdoor twist: In the missionary position, place your legs on his shoulders. With the right amount of lube and relaxation, even initial penetration should be pleasurable.
Missionary is easy-peasy for most maiden voyages, but Johnson and Michaels caution that this anal move may not work for everyone, “Some people may not be sufficiently flexible for this position.” For those who are flexible and looking to try new things, Dr. Jess explains her take on missionary, “Better yet, place the soles of your feet against his shoulders so that you can push back and release according to your preferences.”
On the stomach
Anal on the stomach is comfortable and easy, with the right prep work beforehand. First-timers can relax and make penetration enjoyable by lying on top of a pillow placed under the stomach. For women, this elevates the backside nicely and still gives enough room to stimulate other body parts.
Johnson and Michaels recommend incorporating sex toys into the act to keep things interesting, “This is a great position for stimulating your own clitoris or using a vibrator.”
Because of the opportunity for sex toy play, Dr. Jess adds that on-the-stomach anal can be especially favorable to the ladies. She says, “This is one of the best anal sex positions for women (as the receptive partner), as she can reach down to stimulate her pubic mound and clitoral shaft with her hand or a flat vibrator (try the We-Vibe Touch). The dual stimulation helps to increase arousal, which heightens relaxation to create a cascade of orgasmic sensations.”
Spooning, with a twist
We are all familiar with spooning for some great side-by-side action. Spooning is also a top choice for anal since both partners are more likely to be relaxed. As the “little spoon,” you can make penetration easier by curling up and pulling your upper legs slightly toward your upper body. And while you’re at it, here’s a naughty little secret to double your pleasure — use a vibrator to get to the finish line.
According to Dr. Jess, spooning is the perfect first-time anal position for lovers. Johnson and Michaels add a helpful tip from their own bedroom experience, “You can give your partner a better view of the action by holding your upper leg just below the knee and opening up.”
Ransom also believes that spooning is ideal for a pleasurable beginner anal experience. “This is a great position to stay relaxed in. It also allows for clitoral stimulation and vaginal stimulation for a trigasm.” She advises, “Stay relaxed — your partner should enter you an inch at a time. Then, allow your anus to become accustomed and relax around his penis. Then [he can] enter you another inch and another, and continue until he is all the way in. Be sure to have plenty of lubrication with any anal penetration.”
It’s going to be a quiet Friday night. The coronavirus lockdown has officially begun, pubs, restaurants, gyms and other public spaces have to close up shop for the forseeable future.
So, what can you spend the rest of the weekend doing?
You already know what we’re going to say, but let’s say it anyway: having sex.
If you’re self-isolating with someone else, this is prime opportunity to jump each other’s bones and give yourselves a nice hit of dopamine and endorphins (the ‘happy hormones’) at the same time.
But the lockdown could, unfortunately, go on for quite a while.
So, to keep your sex life from becoming stale, we ask sex experts to share their top tips for how to keep things spicy in the bedroom.
Think outside the box (bedroom)
‘Don’t restrict yourself to the bed, be creative in your space,’ says Asa Baav, sex expert and founder of Tailor Matched.
‘Think up against the wall, up against a mirror, the shower, kitchen tops and for those of you who want to be more risqué, use your balcony [with caution] or up against the window.’
Asa says: ‘Masturbating with a partner helps you learn about each other’s bodies and a great way to show them exactly how they like to be stroked.’
An added bonus to mutual masturbation is that you’re effectively teasing each other, which could add to the eventual climax.
Want to take it up a notch? Masturbate in turns, and watch each other as you do.
Don’t have sex
Let us, or rather, Lelo’s sex expert Kate Moyles, explain.
‘Take the time to explore a different area of self-development, for example sex and sexuality,’ she tell us.
‘The common misunderstanding is that changing your sex life all has to happen in the bedroom or with a partner.
‘But exploring new podcasts, Ted Talks, books, online courses and workbooks can really help you to expand your thinking and open up your perspective and learning when it comes to sex.’
Indulge in sensory play
Asa says: ‘Use hot and cold play, think ice cubes and wax candles and massage oil.
‘Play with the sensation of soft and rough textures to entice your senses.’
If you didn’t happen to pick up any oils or sensory lubes during the stockpiling shop, don’t worry.
Firstly, sex toy sites still deliver – but more importantly, you can find items in your home. Think feathers (from a pillow, perhaps), the aforementioned ice cubes or just run your tongue up and down your partner’s body.
You can also blindfold them to heighten other senses and venture into BDSM, if you fancy it (spanking).
‘Indulge in a bit of light bondage (tying your partner’s hands or legs),’ says Duchess Iphie, a relationship, sex and intimacy coach, and the founder of Duchess Secrets.
‘This is about power and as long as there is consent and a safe word, you can have fun letting your partner have full control of your arousal, desires and orgasms.’
Get the toys out
Do you have a vibrator at home? Get it out during sex and crank up the heat.
‘If you have toys with apps that you can choose vibrations – get your partner to be in a separate room and try different vibrations and intensities from “afar”- give them the control,’ says Dominnique Karetsos, founder of The Intimology Institute, the school for sexual wellness.
‘Like the game Marco Polo – only you know you’re closer by the sound of moans of ecstasy.’
Try a new sex position
Duchess also shares some new positions for couples try, such as:
The sea turtle: One person curls their legs up and the other enters from a kneeling position (penis or strap-on required). Use a pillow to raise the recipient’s lower back, so their partner can stroke their body at the same time.
The upside-down cake: It’s super-easy. Just find a stable surface, like a table, where one person lies down flat on their back on something that supports their weight, while the other person, er, thrusts.
The ease-in: Lay on your back comfortably while the other person eases in backwards. Couples can enjoy varying the angle of penetration to stimulate different sensations, or throw in a toy for some extra vibrations.
Give your partner an intimate massage
Now that you have more time on your hands, why not use them? (The hands, that is).
Think beyond genitals to other erogenous zones such as ear lobes, the small of the back, the inner wrist, the armpits and behind the knee. Run your fingers down your partner’s body and see which touches, and which areas, make their body react.
‘Massage of feet, scratch their back and don’t forget to stroke the whole body as a way of finding each other’s erogenous zones,’ says Asa.
Don’t have any massage oil? Try olive oil – it’s great for the skin (but beware, it might stain your sheets).
Embrace the dirty talk
If you’ve always dreamed of someone putting you across their lap and spanking you, trying a new sexual position or engaging in some role play, maybe the first step would be to talk to your partner about your fantasies.
Asa says: ‘A helpful way to start a conversation about your turn-ons, fantasies, and boundaries, is making a “yes/no/maybe” list with your partner for the night event, what do feel like today?
‘Write down any sexual acts that come to mind, and then both you and your partner take turns marking each as a yes, no, or maybe.
‘This can be a sexy and fun way to get to know each other better and explore things you may not have considered before.’
Single? Keep your eye out for our sexy guide to self-isolating solo.
Kinky sex covers a whole host of sexy things, from BDSM and power play to fetish and role play. It can be confusing to understand exactly what counts as kinky sex, and how you can do it yourself. So if you’re looking to get into kink for the first time, or you want more tips on how to do it safely, here is everything you need to know.
What is kinky sex?
Kinky sex basically includes any kind of sexual activity that is related to power, says Lianne Young, sex and relationships expert and counsellor, and writer for House of Ardent. A big part of this is BDSM, which stands for dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, and sadomasochism, though BDSM isn’t the only thing that qualifies as kink.
What does kinky sex include?
There are plenty of sexual acts that can be counted as kink. These can include:
BDSM, including dominance and submission, and humiliation and power.
Accessories. This can include anything from bondage materials, to latex gloves, cock rings, pin wheels, and even “putting someone in a cage and treating them like a dog,” says Lianne. If you want to involve pain or humiliation, try spitting on someone or spanking them using a cane, whip, ruler and paddle, Lianne continues.
Electric shocks. Taking kink play to the extreme, some companies like Electrastim sell electric shock apparatus to be used for sexual pleasure, adds Lianne.
What are the origins of kinky sex?
The term ‘kink’ was historically used to describe any sexual activity that bends or ‘kinks’ away from the norm. Even today, some aspects of psychiatry still refer to kinky activities like fetishism, sadism and masochism as “paraphilias“, or “abnormal sexual desires”, with these normal and consensual behaviours listed alongside things like paedophilia. However, ‘kink’ is generally now used as a positive term.
“We can really question this whole idea of ‘abnormal’ sex,” says Meg-John Barker, author of Enjoy Sex and host of the Meg-John and Justin podcast. “Actually the number of people who feel some desire for being tied up, or spanked, for example, is higher than the number of people who don’t.”
How is kinky sex different from adventurous sex?
Adventurous sex means venturing outside of your normal boundaries or activities, while kinky sex is more to do with power play, says Lianne. Adventurous sex might be something simple like introducing a vibrator or having a threesome, while kink is often more about power and fantasy.
However, Lianne adds that kink isn’t just about power. “It’s also an important way of enhancing a couple’s relationship through consensual acts involving pain, control and role play.”
Kinky sex ideas to try
Keep things simple
Lianne suggests starting with an easy role playing scenario, like pretending you don’t know each other and chatting each other up in a bar.
Combine pain and pleasure
Pain and pleasure really compliment one another,” says Lianne. “Try ass spanking and then clit stimulation instantly after one another and keep repeating this.” If you’re new to pain, Lianne recommends building up your pain resistance rather than going all out straight away.
Try bondage
Start with a beginners’ bondage kit if you want to experiment with restraint, but make sure you read the instructions to stay safe. “Being tied up can feel adventurous, and if added with a blindfold you can play with the senses of sight, hearing, taste, touch and imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ,” explains Lianne.
If you’re trying any kind of bondage or dominance and submission, it’s crucial that you discuss boundaries and establish a safe word or signal before starting.
Dress up and use accessories
Good costumes to start with can be latex or PVC, says Lianne, or you can try dressing up as a character. It can also be fun to include accessories, like vibrators, cock rings, candle wax and lotions.
Read erotic stories
If you’re new to kink, reading erotic stories online can give you ideas of different scenes to play out, suggests Lianne.
Do what feels right
While a list of kinky ideas might be useful for some people, Meg-John says it’s better to start with what excites you personally. “For most people it’s not about specific positions or scenarios, but rather playing with different roles or sensations. A great idea to start with is to do something like Betty Martin’s three minute game because that enables you to practice consent as well as figuring out what roles and sensations you might enjoy.
“You might also find Justin and my ‘Make Your Own Sex Manual’ and ‘Erotic Fantasies’ zines helpful for tuning into what you’re into and communicating it. These include making your own ‘yes, no, maybe’ list of things you’d like to try, and as well as plenty of suggestions for fantasies, erotic fiction, or ethical porn,” they continue.
Kinky sex positions to try
Sex positions for kinky sex depend on the scenario being played out, but Lianne suggests being bent over a counter, chair, bed, or specialised sex apparatus, especially if you’re trying bondage or spanking.
“Try being tied to a chair with legs spread apart and hands tied behind you. Get your partner to add a blindfold so you don’t know what’s going to happen next. Kink play is about using your imagination and letting someone take control, or being in control, with someone you trust,” says Lianne.
Positions that help you look into each other’s eyes can be great, as this enhances the feeling of being submissive or dominant, and kneeling also has the same effect, Lianne adds.
Safety tips for kinky sex
“Discuss what you’re going to do before you do it, have a safe word ready and don’t push boundaries,” says Lianne
However, it’s important to remember that a lot of the rules for kinky sex still apply to all sex. “For all sex it’s a great idea to talk ahead about what you like and dislike, and any limits that you have,” says Meg-John.
When it comes to safe words and signals, plan how you’ll check in beforehand. Meg-John suggests the traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, or green for keep going). If you want to use a non-verbal stop signal, tapping your partner to an agreed rhythm is a good idea.
It can also be useful to discuss any trauma experiences you’ve had and what your triggers might be.
Consent is also crucial, and of course this applies to any kind of sex. Meg-John suggests using their consent checklist if you are unsure.
What you should know if you’re trying kink for the first time
If you’re interested in trying something kinky, you need to make sure your partner is on the same page first. Lianne suggests sitting them down and explaining your fantasy to them first. Don’t worry if it’s not as great as you expected first time around. Practise makes perfect.
Why do people enjoy kinky sex?
Kink is a great way of experimenting and mixing things up in the bedroom. As Lianne puts it, “do you eat the same cuisine every evening? Or do you occasionally treat yourself to take away?
“Sex play is the same and should have added spice occasionally – and it’s very healthy. Sex is about enjoyment.”
Meg-John adds that kink can reveal a lot about our subconscious desires. “Many of us eroticise the tough things that have happened in our lives, so it’s very common for people to be turned on by the idea of being controlled, or someone having power over them, or some kind of punishment or humiliation,” they explain.
However, kink doesn’t just have to be about your subconscious psyche. “The things we enjoy can simply be fun and playful, things that feel nice to our bodies, or things that help us to connect to another person. There can be many reasons why we’re into what we’re into, and it shouldn’t really matter as long as we’re acting on it consensually,” they add.
Professional dominatrixes see that all sorts of people want to be dominated.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes to get started. All you need are your words, according to Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix.
Not all of us have leadership roles at work, but at some point, we’ve given an order.
We’ve told someone where to sit, where to hang their coat, to stop talking and listen. We’ve asked people to bring napkins to our parties, to pick up groceries on the way home, to turn down the thermostat.
You may not consider yourself a sexually dominant person, but you’ve probably made things happen by asking for what you want. Have you ever texted someone “come over tonight ;)” and had them show up at your door ten minutes later? Said “kiss me” and then found yourself kissed?
Yet the idea of being dominant in the bedroom, especially for women, can still seem strange since it goes against everything we’re taught. We must be fair, things must be equal, we must take care of the other person, we must make sure everyone else’s needs are met before ours.
Being dominant in bed doesn’t just mean being on top. It means knowing why you’re there and being bold about pursuing your pleasure.
Professional dominatrixes are the first to scoff at the idea that all men enjoy being dominant in bed and all women enjoy being submissive. They see firsthand that all sorts of people long to be taken out of the driver’s seat.
Here’s how to reexamine the idea of taking control in bedroom, putting the power dynamic in your favor.
Dominating isn’t the same as being cruel or mean
“One of the most common misconceptions surrounding a woman taking a dominant role is the assumption that she needs to be a display cruel behavior towards others, for the sake of her own gain or pleasure, and without consideration for their safety or well-being,” said Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. “That is not dominance but rather narcissism bordering on sociopathy.”
Taking the lead in bed doesn’t mean being a sadist or demeaning your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. You’re simply connecting with a powerful side of yourself that was always there, and sharing it with a person who wants to make you happy. It’s about closeness and connection, not cruelty.
“The culture of BDSM is heavily rooted in ethics, empathy, and consent,” said Zhang. “The one who assumes the dominant role need not force others to submit, but inspires them to do so by first and foremost displaying compassion and understanding as befitting a moral person.”
You need to understand yourself before you can take on a dominant role
The first step to taking on a more dominant role is to figure out what turns you on. This is easier said than done. We may be ashamed of our desires, we may worry that our partner will laugh or be disgusted by them.
But there’s a reason why the Fifty Shades of Grey books and films were so successful. People were able to point to something on a page and say, “That’s hot.” And then show it to their partner.
Think about scenes in movies and books that have turned you on, and ask yourself why. It may make you feel weird at first, but it’s normal to ask yourself if your desires are normal. It’s up to you to accept them as part of who you are and make the next move.
Great sex starts with communication
Taking cues from mainstream media can also have a downside. Great sex in the movies is often led by the man, or else it’s a magically equal exchange where all the parties seem to intuitively know what the other wants.
Now that’s fantasy.
The reality is that great sex is born of great communication, but it can be hard to wants to talk about what you want. Someone has to take the lead. It should be you.
Taking the dominant position with a partner requires the ability to articulate what you want, explain what pleases you, and why.
“Two of the most important lessons I have learned in my time as a professional dominatrix is to know myself, and to communicate what I want to others. Taking a more dominant role means first having a command and understanding of oneself,” said Zhang.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes
Yes, the things we see on television and the movies can inspire our sexiest thoughts, but they can also be intimidating and stop you from giving things a try.
Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to invest in kinky gear, like handcuffs, whips, and rope. They’re symbolic props.
For example, you can use your words to tell your partner not to move. Handcuffs may just provide an extra layer to the experience.
“Begin with some universal concepts by asking your partner if she or he is enticed by the following: being teased, delayed gratification, the freedom from not having to decide/think, or simply just giving you pleasure,” said Zhang. These ideas can inspire any number of playful activities.”
It’s normal to struggle with outdated attitudes about sexual roles
We’re all prisoners of our upbringings. We have ideas of what people are supposed to do in bed. Even if we think of ourselves as progressive, we may still be dogged by out-of-date attitudes about sexual roles.
It’s up to you to examine why you believe that sex has to be a certain way. If it makes you feel good, great. But if you’re unsatisfied and afraid that your fantasies disrupt your ideas about gender roles in bed, you need to stop and think.
“The mind is the sex organ and all it really takes to be dominant is assuming the right attitude,” said Zhang. “And remember, a willing and open-minded partner will want to please you.”
When we polled our readers earlier this month on what they’ve always wanted to ask a sex coach, they flooded our DM’s with questions, concerns, and complaints about their partners’…techniques.
One thing to note: whatever is going on in the bedroom isn’t a “just you” issue, per se. According to the Cleveland Clinic, 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men experience some type of sexual dysfunction during their lifetimes, including low libido and low confidence. And so many readers submitted the exact same questions and the same deepest darkest secrets. You’re normal. Sex can be weird! Let’s talk about it.
Below, Gigi Engle, SKYN sex and intimacy expert and certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes, answered questions submitted by HelloGiggles readers. Don’t see your concern below? Check out the rest of our State of Female Pleasure package for more sexpert advice.
How do I tell my partner that I’ve been faking my orgasms without hurting their feelings?
Your partner may have hurt feelings but the important thing is to assure them that you like everything they’re doing and you were faking orgasms because things felt good but you just felt you weren’t going to get “there.” Offer to show them exactly what feels good for you with gentle guidance.
How do I stop faking orgasms without offending my boyfriend?
Having an open conversation with your partner about this can be challenging. Sex is an emotionally charged thing and many of us lack the vocabulary to communicate our needs. Let your partner know that you want to try some new sex things together. You want to show him new ways to touch you and to have more orgasms. Tell them you love your sex life so he feels good about himself and then offer some guidance. When it comes to faking, if you feel like you’re not going to get there, offer some gentle guidance. Maybe you could use some more oral sex, or a toy during sex. Make those suggestions to him.
How can I be more comfortable in my body during sex?
Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate. When you get in touch with your body and internal energy, you start to feel so much more comfortable in your power. Having control over your own orgasm is empowering and will help you feel good when guiding someone in how to touch you. Body confidence is not something that happens overnight. Look at yourself in the mirror naked and tell your body how much you love it; how it takes care of you, gets you where you need to go, and is strong for you. It does not matter what you look like. You’re beautiful and sexy and powerful.
What can I do to get my partner to explore other fun sexual options? Ex: BDSM.
Make a sex menu. You write down three things you want to try and then have [them] write down three things [they’d] want to try. Then, swap lists and see what you both are interested in. This gives you a pressure-free way to learn about your partners desires and to share your own. Introduce [them] to new things slowly—maybe start out with a new lube or small sex toy. For BDSM specifically, you don’t need to go buy a bunch of expensive gear. Use a tee shirt as a blindfold and a necktie as handcuffs. It’s really not as complicated and scary as some people tend to think!
I can’t orgasm at all! Is there something wrong with me?
There is definitely nothing wrong with you. This is super common! Orgasms are 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical. So, you need to be in a positive headspace. If you believe you cannot come, your brain tells your body you can’t come, and then … you don’t come! The first thing to do is to step outside of this negative feedback loop. Take orgasm off the table for a while and focus on pleasure. Buy some sex toys (SKYN Vibes is my go-to). Take time to masturbate and see what you like. Don’t worry so much about orgasming and eventually orgasms will come.
How to move past (unknown) mental roadblocks that make it hard to orgasm with a partner?
Being present and in the moment can be very challenging when life comes at you. It’s key to remember that sex is important and life is always going to be busy. Breathe into your body and try to be more intentional. Watch some porn to keep you focused or listen to an erotic story while you’re having sexy time. Sometimes we need to ignite all of our senses to stay in the moment. Treat sex like a meditation: It’s a time to focus and breathe and enjoy.
How do you deal with extraordinary clitoral sensitivity?
Try different touch than straight up clitoral rubbing. Touch the labia, the mons, and vaginal opening. Try layering the labia over the clitoris when you use a sex toy on a low vibration setting. Sometimes having a barrier can provide comfort. You can also circle the clitoris rather than putting vibration or a tongue directly on it.
You might also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy in tandem with working with and OBGYN. There may be an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. Seeking the help of a well-rounded team of professionals who are there to work for you is a grounded way to get the orgasms and sex you deserve.
“Cuckolding” is one of those sex terms that you’ve probably seen pop up somewhere on the internet (hello, porn sites), but you might never have known what it actually means. As the world becomes more woke to all kinds of monogamy, polyamory, and everything in between, people are becoming more and more open about enjoying cuckolding in the bedroom. So, here’s everything you need to know.
What is cuckolding?
Cuckolding is essentially a form of consensual non-monogamy, where one partner watches their lover having sex with another person. Often, cuckolding involves the observing partner (known as the cuckold) being present in the room while they watch, but they could also observe by being sent messages or photos of what is happening.
How is cuckolding different from polyamory?
Cuckolding differs from other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM) as it’s all focused on watching what’s happening. Other kinds of CNM include polyamory, where someone has multiple romantic partners, but cuckolding is usually purely sexual rather than romantic. Another kind of CNM is swinging, where couples swap sexual partners, but when it comes to cuckolding, the person observing usually doesn’t physically participate in any sexual activity.
What is the history of cuckolding?
The word “cuckold” is derived from the cuckoo bird, which lays its eggs in other birds’ nests, meaning that the birds go on to raise chicks that aren’t their own. “Cuckold” was first used in medieval times to describe the husband of an unfaithful wife who, unaware of his wife’s infidelity, would raise children that clearly weren’t his own, like with cuckoo birds.
The modern-day usage of the word “cuckolding” as a fetish differs from its origins, as the cuckold is aware of and is consenting to their partner sleeping with another person.
While the origins of the term describe cuckolding as a husband watching his wife with another man, cuckolding can be done any way you want, whether it’s a female partner watching their male partner with another woman or another man, or whether everybody involved is male or female or of any other gender.
Why do people enjoy cuckolding?
There are various reasons why people might enjoy cuckolding as a fetish or a form of consensual non-monogamy. Some people introduce cuckolding as a way of combatting boredom or repetition in a relationship, and find that sexual variety actually strengthens their relationship with their partner, especially as they’re able to learn more about what their partner enjoys. For others, the jealousy they feel from watching their partner with another person adds an exciting element to their relationship and can add a new dimension to their sex life.
“Cuckolding may trigger sexual jealousy,” says psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury. “The thought of their [the cuckold’s] partner being with someone else may be quite arousing.”
Aoife adds that another reason cuckolding can be enjoyable is because “it’s about seeing sexual satisfaction or empowerment from your partner and that being a turn on. This actually has a name and is defined as compersion.”
Cuckolding is a great way of strengthening communication in a relationship, as it requires honesty from both partners about what they enjoy, what they don’t and what their boundaries are if they do feel jealous or uncomfortable. Couples who have tried cuckolding often report that it strengthens the bond between them, as they’re able to trust each other and talk openly about their desires.
Cuckolding can also be considered a subset of BDSM. “An aspect of BDSM can be humiliation, and the thought of [the cuckold] feeling or being humiliated could also be exciting. Our brains have the ability to turn something degrading into something powerfully erotic,” says Aoife. Sexologist Dr. Jill McDevitt adds, “the arousal that comes from relinquishing power and being humiliated (which is a form of masochism)” can be part of what makes cuckolding enjoyable.
As well as the cuckold, the partner who is sleeping with somebody else can enjoy cuckolding because it means they get to experience sexual variety with somebody else, and they can show their partner first-hand what they like.
How can you introduce cuckolding into your relationship?
Start by being open with your partner, letting them know that this is something you want to try, and explaining what it is if they’re unsure. The important thing is to make sure that everyone involved is comfortable and consenting to what is happening. Cuckolding requires “tons of communication, discussion of safer sex methods, and consideration of the physical and emotional safety of all involved, including the third party,” says Dr. Jill.
“Cuckolding can very much be part of healthy relationships as long as you are both open, honest and content with it being part of your sex lives,” adds Aoife. “The most important aspect of all sexual activity is consent. It is important when someone has a kink or fetish that they are communicating openly with all parties involved, and everyone is happy.
“If it is something that you would like to start off with, it is vital to understand what may be brought up. Seeing your partner with someone else may be quite upsetting so taking it slow is of utmost importance. Finally I would encourage partners to draw out parameters and rules so that there are clear boundaries; perhaps that’s not having sex with someone you know or for cuckolding not to occur in your home.
“To start off with trying out cuckolding, maybe ask your partner to describe a fantasy about having sex with a different partner. That can be past partners, people you or they fancy or even a celebrity. Sometimes this may be enough for both parties and they have no interest in taking things further.
“If you are both happy and wanted to take the next step, try going to a bar and watching them flirt with someone else. The next step, if that goes well, is your partner having sex with someone else and then recounting the experience to you.”
After a marijuana experience, lighting an old-fashioned cigarette after sex seems slightly outdated. As a matter of fact, when discussing cannabis, you’ll probably want to light it before you engage in sexual activity.
Excited yet? Despite some of us seeming pretty calm, we can still feel a nerve twitch when we hear promises of sexual exhilaration. Well, the tale about marijuana and sex that you’ve just stumbled upon will undoubtedly touch that nerve!
The relationship between pot and sexuality goes a long way and is not as charming as you might think. While some stories portray sensual symbiosis, others may argue that weed can crush your libido like a sledgehammer.
The truth is that marijuana can heat and cool both women and men. So then, is it an aphrodisiac, or a mood breaker?
Keep on reading and you’ll find out the pros and cons of marijuana use in the sweet game of sexuality.
A Short History of Cannabis and Sex
The Ancients Knew About Its Effects
According to research, the positive effects of marijuana on the sexual behavior of women was well known in ancient Mesopotamia; it was used during childbirth and for treating menstrual problems as well. Also, the first records of rectal cannabis preparations can be found in ancient Assyrian manuscripts.
Later, in ancient Egypt, cannabis was mixed with honey and introduced vaginally to relieve cramps. This is also where we find the first written records of the relationship between marijuana and sex drive. In addition, hemp seeds were originally used to influence fertility in men.
Throughout history, cannabis has been used both in gynecology and obstetrics, where the first sexological practices come from.
Both Ayurvedic and Arabian medicines recorded the use of marijuana as an aphrodisiac and for pain relief. It was applied vaginally, rectally, orally, and through fumigation. In China, cannabis was used for menstrual difficulties and postpartum problems. African men used it for erectile dysfunction (ED).
Western medicine also used marijuana for sex-related problems. In the 17th and 18th centuries, physicians mixed pulverized cannabis with other herbs to produce combined drugs. Furthermore, with the medical use of marijuana, sex-related issues were clarified and studied.
In Central Europe, in the 19th century, tinctures with cannabis were widely used for breast swelling, menstrual problems, and childbirth difficulties. Court physicians prepared concoctions for wealthy women which were used as a form of sexual relief during first-night intercourse.
Modern Times Try To Reveal the Mystery
The popularization of marijuana in the 20th century has given birth to its massive, worldwide use. Both medical and recreational testimonials state the potential health benefits and pleasures of having sex while high.
The physiological potency of the plant was scientifically documented and explained. Today, we know that certain chemicals in marijuana plants affect the whole organism in a profound way.
According to Psychology Today, the first modern medical evidence of the sexual impact of marijuana dates from the 1970s. Since then, numerous studies have tried to answer the question: is marijuana a stimulant or not?
However, most of the research coming from the previous century is inconclusive. The majority of studies that process the topic are self-reported observational studies and are limited due to the subjectiveness of the questioned participants.
In order to asses the topic of marijuana and sex, we have to consider both medical and experiential aspects of the herb.
Marijuana Effects on the Body
It is a well-known fact that the chemicals in marijuana plants have significant physiological actions. Cannabinoids bind to endocannabinoid receptors and interfere with their main function — homeostasis maintenance.
Both THC and CBD affect our whole organism, thus regulating numerous biochemical reactions. Sometimes it results in the pleasure of being “high,” or it can just have a therapeutic purpose. Overuse, on the other hand, is more likely to induce the negative effects of weed.
The connection between weed and sex can be explained by its pharmacological traits.
Blood Flow
By acting on cannabinoid receptors in blood vessels, cannabinoids induce peripheral vasodilatation. This means that more blood flows into different organs, such as the lungs, the glands, or the brain. The mucous membranes on sexual organs get more blood, which stimulates their metabolism and boosts their function.
The drop in blood pressure is followed by an increased heart rate. Meanwhile, your heart is pumping all the oxygen your lungs can get into your body. This stimulates the senses as well as tactile perception.
Basically, while having sex on weed, your body is more attuned to external influences than in regular cases.
The Brain
Cannabinoids act on various brain structures and interfere with hormones and neurotransmitters. Marijuana effects on the brain can both aid sexuality or destimulate it.
Weed increases dopamine and serotonin levels, which introduce the sense of pleasure, or even happiness. Additionally, this causes altered sensory perception, such as touch, smell, and taste.
Marijuana acts on inhibition functions, therefore relieving stress and anxiety. This also causes peripheral muscles to relax, while the dilated blood vessels pump oxygen into them.
Physiologically, indulging in sex while high can be quite relaxing and enjoyable, with lower inhibitions and attuned senses.
Cannabinoids also have anti-inflammatory properties, which are experienced as pain-relief. This is the reason why in some countries in Eastern Europe, people used to take marijuana to facilitate the first-night sexual experience of women.
Hormones
THC affects the brain and glands, which regulate certain functionalities, and significantly influence sexuality.
It has been reported that, in regular users, THC decreases total cortisol levels. This stress hormone is associated with a higher state of alertness and agility. In other words, with the use of cannabis, the sex drive can be inhibited too! Additionally, THC can sometimes elevate cortisol levels in infrequent users, hence inducing a state of anxiety.
THC briefly inhibits the thyroid hormone secretion. In heavy users, this reveals a dose-dependent mechanism. Meaning, the more you smoke weed, the more you are likely to gain weight, experience fatigue, or libido decrease.
Chemicals in marijuana act on sexual hormones differently. Light marijuana use (once a week) is not associated with any consequences. However, as reports state, smoking pot heavily (six times a week) can lower testosterone levels and sperm count in men. In women, it causes vaginal dryness and irregularity in menstrual cycles.
The hormonal connection between marijuana and sex is still not crystal clear. Overall, the available data states that cannabinoids cause hormone levels to fluctuate, which can affect reproduction and sexuality in different ways.
The Effects of Marijuana on Sexuality
In contrast to physiology, sexuality is a more complex part of an individual. It fuses both biological and psychological factors and is expressed through emotions, thoughts, and behaviors towards others. One can be sexually attracted to a person’s looks, emotions, attitudes, or actions.
Although a subjective category, there is data that shows that having sex while high on weed can be an entrancing experience.
Desire
People used to “spice things up” with clothing, alcohol, and adventures. However, with the growing marijuana market, there is a high chance that this “spice” might, in fact, be cannabis.
Sexual appetite, or libido, is both a hormonal and a psychological issue. It is determined by our sexual urge for another person.
According to a 2017 population-based study, public marijuana use is associated with increased sexual frequency in both men and women. After the assessment of more than 50,000 people, the authors concluded that among the consumers of marijuana, sex drive increased significantly.
Another study confirms that marijuana can increase libido. Researchers state that compared to non-users, weed consumers are twice as likely to have more than two sexual partners a year. Nevertheless, men were also more likely to have difficulties in reaching an orgasm.
Arousal
Sexual excitement is primarily a hormonal factor but can be influenced by psychoneural activity. There is evidence that cannabis can both induce and decrease sexual potency. Additionally, the two sexes express precisely the opposite arousal effects on weed.
Women
As said, marijuana use can increase female libido. When turned on while high, women tend to experience common vaginal dryness. This unfortunate event can present a problem in the initial contact but can be overcome with the right amount of tender foreplay. With the right amount of lubrication, this intense arousal can endure during the entire intercourse.
Men
In men, weed can increase the sex drive. On the other hand, studies show that a significant number of them have trouble maintaining arousal during sex.
In contrast to women, arousal in men is enhanced by the above-mentioned effects of marijuana. In most cases, during intercourse, the overall penile blood flow decreases. These effects remain until the high wears off.
The connection between marijuana and ED has long been an issue. However, the exact mechanism for this is unknown. It is usually associated with declining testosterone levels. Some authors conclude that this is a dose-dependent effect.
The bottom line is that, while stoned, sex can present a challenge for men.
Sensuality
The mystical traits of weed are considered to be the most valuable by most people. This is an effect primarily achieved by the ability of THC to alter the senses.
Studies show that enhanced visual, auditory, and tactile experiences enhance the ongoing sexual act, i.e., orgasm, masturbation, or desire. In surveys, people who enjoy pot and sex describe the high as “transcendent” or “spiritual.”
Intimacy
Although an aphrodisiac for women and a sexual appetite booster for men, marijuana can adversely affect the intimacy in couples.
Intimacy is a deep sense of connection with somebody both on an intellectual and physical level. According to research, the increase of libido and sensuality is associated with the focus on the more hedonistic effects of sexual contact, neglecting the aspects of personal attachment in the process.
Additionally, some cases reported increased intimacy levels in mature couples, which is associated with a sense of relaxation.
Highgasm
Women
A study from 2019, which followed 373 female participants, revealed that those who smoked marijuana prior to intercourse were two times more likely to achieve an orgasm than in a non-consuming group.
This evidence validly shows that among the participating women, 68.5% had more pleasurable sex while marijuana-high. Among them, 60.6% noticed an increase in sexual desire, and 52.8% reported an increase in satisfying orgasms.
Men
Evidence reports that orgasm in men, though, is experienced quite differently.
Men, who practiced sex and marijuana smoking were four times less likely to achieve a climax than the non-smoking group. Furthermore, pot-smokers were three times more likely to orgasm too quickly, and two times more likely to finish too slowly than the abstinents.
In general, both men and women are more sexually inhibited by marijuana in the long run. Chronic use potentiates the adverse hormonal effects and impacts physiology. But occasionally treating yourself with the sweet cannabis-infused sexual stimuli can rarely go wrong.
How to Dose the Best Pot for Sex
Choosing the best pot out there is certainly important. However, there are side effects of weed that need to be considered.
Both the positive and negative effects of weed are dose-dependant. Sometimes, one puff makes the difference between being stoned and being sexually blissed.
High doses of THC can cause a series of sexually-unwanted events, such as nausea, headache, anxiety, paranoia, or sexual depersonalization.
Some sources advocating the pros of marijuana use and sex advise us to keep lower doses in mind. In order to sexually transcend with pot, we need just the amount that can get our blood, brain, and senses going.
Marijuana and Sex Frequency
The relationship between these two changes with time; you might say that they mature together.
In light users, the achieved effect is mainly an occasional increase in sensuality. However, in heavy users, the long-term effects of weed are more likely to be displayed.
According to a few sources, chronic marijuana use is consistent with behavioral problems in relationships, which include aggressive behavior and mood changes. This leads to sexual and emotional detachment and creates the need for high marijuana doses.
In frequent users, the sexual side effects of weed include low energy and libido. This is associated with the pot’s effect on testosterone and pituitary hormones.
Other adverse effects include low desire, erectile dysfunction, and orgasm irregularities in men. Women tend to have progesterone variations, which is expressed as menstrual problems and could lead to depression.
In predisposed people, heavy marijuana use can onset panic, fears, memory decline, and even psychotic episodes.
Choosing the Right Strain for Sex
Everybody reacts to cannabinoids differently. Nevertheless, there are certain aspects of physiological actions that can be attributed to the potency of the marijuana strain.
When choosing the best marijuana for sex, some basic facts need consideration.
Three distinctive variations of cannabis plants used — Cannabis Sativa, Cannabis Indica, and Cannabis Ruderalis. The first two are more common and more popular.
Sativa produces a “head high,” making you more alert, inspired, and cerebrally driven. Indica has more body-relaxation effects and is used more to soothe pain and ease stress. Nevertheless, hybrids can display more potent, combined effects.
Some strains cater to sex more than others. In general, Sativa-derived ones could be considered as the best strains for male arousal, while women react better to Indica. Still, as sources claim, the reactions are mostly individual.
The perfect combination for sex would imply infrequent use to avoid the chronic impact on testosterone for men, and less estrogen-inhibiting THC products for women.
Sativa Strains for Sex
Asian Fantasy — Famous for its fruity flavor, this strain has energetic, and relaxin properties. Asian Fantasy is considered an arousing weed.
Ultimate Trainwreck — With its cerebral action, it enhances focus, energy, and a sense of happiness. Ultimate Trainwreck has a mild citrusy flavor, and i is one of the best marijuana strains for sex, as it increases arousal in men.
Green Crack — This Sativa strain can unleash your basic instinct. Green Crack is great for libido, potency, and could intensify an orgasm; the best part: you can repeat it again and again.
Potent Hybrids
Sour Dream — Although somewhat hard to find, this hybrid first calms and then arouses. Sour Dream can also potentiate euphoria, and even laughter, so it is the right choice for spicing-up the intimacy.
Purple Princess — It enhances creativity, energy, and euphoria. This strain can give you an exhilarating night in the sack and is considered as one of the best strains for female arousal and orgasm.
Indica Strains for Sex
Hindu Skunk — It relaxes slowly, and prolongs the intercourse, keeping your undivided attention on the partner. Hindu Skunk is a great choice for lazy-day intimacy.
Yumbolt — Mainly preferred by women, it is a calming and easing strain, that can help you orgasm, and sleep afterward.
Chocolate Chunk — It is an easing, soft acting strain, with a sweet and nutty flavor.
Grandaddy Purple — It is a strong Indica strain. It alleviates pain, eases stress, relieves anxiety, and energizes. Grandaddy Purple can be great for sexual desire but without the unnecessary euphoria.
Best Weed Strain for Sex: Sexxpot
According to yours truly, the best of the best would be Sexxpot. This hybrid came to light after years of practice and cultivation. It is a low-THC, high-CBD strain that relaxes the body while introducing desire and sensuality.
It takes the edge off and introduces you to the state of sweet delight. Sexxpot promises full relaxation, long sex-duration, and smooth sleep.
Selecting the Right Product
Deciding on the best weed for sex is essential. However, not all lovers out there enjoy smoking weed. Fortunately, today’s market has a variety of accessories and products for various user needs.
In a weed dispensary, you can find a spread of:
vapes and inhalants that contain cannabis-derived active principles;
oils and tinctures, which contain a concentrated amount of THC, and should be dosed lightly;
edibles that are becoming more popular by the minute — mints, brownies, chocolates, cakes, and other culinary delicacies.
Come Valentine’s, a THC-based sugary dish, or a wrapped-up stoner gift could turn the odds in your favor. While at that, it’s rumored that men prefer chocolate, while blueberry cakes could be considered the best edibles for female arousal.
Other Cannabis-Infused Sex Aids
Marijuana can be sexually helpful in more than one way. In other words, you don’t have to smoke it or eat it. The market is abundant with:
topical use products, which intensify the scenes peripherally;
marijuana suppositories, which have been out there for years now, and are used primarily for pain relief;
weed lube, which is cannabis-based and is used to treat vaginal dryness;
marijuana tampons with relaxing and protective properties.
The combination of sex products and cannabis shows promises of desire, arousal, sensuality, intimacy, and potential orgasms.
FAQs
Do you last longer when high?
While it can change the perception of time, marijuana does extend sexual intercourse in both women and men. There is evidence that supports its effects on libido, sensuality, and orgasm.
Cannabis has been scientifically proven to increase female sexual experience. On the other hand, there is evidence that smoking weed could result in erectile dysfunction in men.
Can being high make you not get hard?
Men who often smoke marijuana can sometimes experience erectile dysfunction. In chronic users, marijuana can decrease testosterone levels and affect arousal.
Hence, smoking weed in moderation is highly advised for men (so as to achieve the most optimal performance).
What’s more, some sources even claim that choosing the right strain could help overpass these issues entirely.
What are the best weed strains for sex?
Various marijuana strains have been praised as powerful sexual aids. The science states that Sativa strains work better in men. Indica strains have less THC and are better suited for women.
Some of the more popular sexual weeds are Sexxpot, Asian Fantasy, Sour Dream, Granddaddy Purple, Hindu Skunk, Green Crack, and more.
Can using cannabis for sex cause infertility?
There is no conclusive evidence that confirms that smoking marijuana can leave you infertile.
However, compulsive pot smoking is associated with low sperm count in men and menstrual irregularities in women.
Conclusion
It is true — marijuana enhances sexuality. However, frequent use can lead to unwanted side effects and can even cause sexual dysfunction.
Anyone can smoke and strip. Nevertheless, if you are about to indulge in a unique sexual adventure, do so wisely. With the proper strain pick and an adequate product selection, you can find yourself in a highly tantric experience.
Weed can be used as an aphrodisiac, arouser, intimacy enhancer, or as an orgasm intensifier. The intriguing connection between marijuana and sex has long been out there, and for good reason — it works.
Fetishes come in a lot of different shapes and sizes. (I mean, not literally shapes and sizes, but you know, they range from person to person). Some super common fetishes you’ve definitely already heard of (or maybe even tried out) include bondage, role-playing, impact play, and anal sex, but QQ: Ever heard of voyeurism?
“Voyeurism is getting sexual excitement from watching others when they are naked or engaging in sex acts,” says Jill McDevitt, PhD, CalExotics sexologist. And while the pleasure is most commonly derived from watching others, the fetish could also include hearing others engage in sexual acts, or even being told about other people’s sexual experiences.
So, no, it’s not the creepy, nonconsensual “Peeping Tom” that might come to mind. Voyeurism is a fetish, and actually one of the most common ones, according to the Journal of Sex and Research.
So if you’re curious in the slightest about what voyeurism is, how to do it, why it turns people on, don’t worry: We broke down literally everything you need to know.
What is a voyeur?
A voyeur is someone who experiences pleasure from watching other people partake in sexual acts. Maybe you’ve already decided this is absolutely not your thing, but “one could argue the enjoyment of watching porn is, in part, voyeuristic,” says McDevitt.
After all, most people masturbate when they watch other people have sex on their screen, no? So yeah, it’s fairly common to be, at the least, slightly interested in this sexual fetish.
Why is voyeurism a fetish?
Ask yourself: Why is anything a pleasure? We all experience different turn-ons and turn-offs in the bedroom, so it really depends on what someone likes and engages with. Here are two people, who would consider voyeurism a fetish for them, explaining why they get turned on by watching others engage in sexual acts together or masturbate:
“Personally, I am really into voyeurism because it’s a different way to experience sex. You’re not in the sex, but you’re seeing it, noticing what gives someone pleasure, seeing when someone moans the loudest in what position. It’s exhilarating,” says Michelle*, 25.
“My girlfriend knows I’m watching her which makes it super hot. It’s like her way to show off,” says Michael, 34.
What’s the difference between the good kind of voyeurism and the bad kind of voyeurism?
Put simply, consent. “I use voyeurism as an example of a fetish that can be done in a fun and consensual way, or in a non-consenting and harmful way,” says McDevitt. “‘Voyeuristic disorder’ is actually in the diagnostic manual for psychiatric disorders, in which it is described as a persistent and intense sexual interest in spying on unsuspecting people nude or having sex.”
So in other words, make sure every sexual act you engage in with your partner has been consensually agreed upon and communicated beforehand (this goes for anything in the bedroom, btw). Good voyeurism = consent and communication about what you will be doing with every sexual partner. Bad voyeurism = doing something behind your sexual partner(s)’s back.
How can you incorporate voyeurism into the bedroom in a healthy, consensual way?
Okay, now the fun part: There are so many different ways to spice up your sex life—especially with voyeurism. Here’s what McDevitt recommends:
Watch your partner masturbate. This could look like encouraging your partner to lay on the bed and do their thing while you watch from the crack of the door.
Watch your partner shower or bathe.
Bring in another person to watch your partner have sex with.
So if you’re intrigued, maybe give it a try. But, again, for all the people in the back: Consent is the key, key, key factor here.
While you’re plotting out all your New Year’s resolutions for the coming year, why not add in one for your sex life?
We can sometimes forget to consider sex when thinking about what we want from our lives, but sex is an important part of our overall well-being. As individuals, our sexuality is one of the most powerful ways we can connect with our own bodies, understand them, and celebrate them; many studies have shown that positive body image and sexual satisfaction are deeply linked. And for couples? Research from clinical psychologist Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., has found happy couples say sex only plays a 15 to 20% role in their relationship, but unhappy couples say up to 75% of the trouble is related to sex. So yes, sex is always worth a little investment!
Here are a few ideas for sex resolutions you might want to make this year, whether for yourself or as a couple:
1. Make sex a priority again.
Just a simple mindset shift can go a long way. If sexual wellness hasn’t been a big priority for you in the last year or so, consider bumping it back up to be top of mind. Sometimes when you’ve been in the same relationship for a long time or when you haven’t been dating for a while, sex just becomes less important than everything else going on in your life. That’s totally cool—life ebbs and flows, and sometimes your family, or your career, or some other exciting project is what needs your attention. But if you feel like your sex life could use a little TLC, then commit to giving it the same amount of time, energy, and prioritization that you’ve been giving to other parts of your life. Your sex life won’t change until you invest in it.
What does that look like? When you’re choosing between working late and going on that date, pick the date. When you and your partner are deciding how to spend an upcoming free weekend, put sex on the menu of options. Decide that the chores and deadlines and social obligations can wait. When there’s an opportunity for sex, go for it!
2. Invest in your own pleasure.
Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you deserve to have sexual pleasure in your life. If that’s an unfamiliar idea for you, you can even just make your resolution to recite that mantra to yourself each morning: I deserve to have sexual pleasure in my life.
There are so many ways to invest in your pleasure: It could mean making more time for masturbation or figuring out what the heck actually turns you on, or it could mean buying yourself a few new sex toys or some lingerie that makes you feel like a goddess. Or maybe it’s about opening a conversation with your partner about making your favorite parts of sex more of the go-to thing. (For example, you shouldn’t have to be quietly hoping to yourself that your partner is gonna go down on you—just ask!)
3. Learn about sex.
Did you know just learning about the orgasm gap is associated with women having more orgasms during sex? Knowledge can go such a long way in terms of improving your sex life. You might think you know everything you need to know about sex, but here’s what I’ll tell you: I’m a sex educator, and I write about sex for a living. I’ve written literally hundreds of stories about sex, learned from countless sex therapists and couples’ counselors, read hundreds of scientific papers about sex—and I’m still learning new things about sex every day. There’s always more to learn. Especially considering how little sex education Americans receive, you can bet you’ll find a whole lot of new information and ideas from just one book, class, or podcast about sex. Commit to listening to one new podcast about sex, reading one well-reviewed book about sex, or taking a class about sex either online or in person.
4. Address your sexual blocks.
If you know you have a block related to sex, commit to spending this year trying to really figure it out, address it, and heal. That could mean finally seeking out a specialist to figure out why you’re experiencing sexual pain, or going to a sex therapist to talk through your experiences with sexual trauma, or just spending some dedicated time doing the inner work to learn about what’s been holding you back sexually.
5. Commit to variety.
If you’ve fallen into a rut sexually, make this year a year of exploration and experimentation. Maybe that means trying out new positions with your partner and agreeing to, say, making sure every time you have sex includes one position or sexual act that you don’t usually break out. Or maybe it means exploring something truly new and novel for you—something like pegging, going to a sex party, BDSM, role-playing, consensual nonmonogamy, watching porn with your partner, or whatever else you’ve had a little inkling of interest in.
6. Tap into your sexual energy, even when you’re not having sex.
Sex isn’t all about having sex. Weird, I know. One of the best ways to improve your overall sex life is to build more sexual energy into your day. A 2019 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found sexual desire is actually buildable: that is, experiencing sexual desire today increases your odds of having sexual desire and sex tomorrow. Moreover, feeling turned on isn’t just about getting in the mood to have sex. Being able to access that state of mind regularly can be incredibly empowering on its own: Sexual energy can make you feel more confident, outgoing, and flirtatious. Here are a few ways to build more sexual energy into your day.
7. Have more sex.
Hey, when it comes to resolutions, sometimes simple is best! Put sex on the calendar, often. Boom. Happy New Year!
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