Is your sex life in a lockdown rut?

How to spice things up and feel empowered in the bedroom again (whether you’re single or in a relationship)


By Bianca London

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, lockdown has been a bizarre old time for everyone’s sex life. If you’re sex life is better than ever, we’re happy for you, but for the rest of the nation, either you’re living with a partner and really CBA to keep the magic alive or you’re single and struggling to indulge in sex because, well, lockdown.

With vast times apart or too much time together (!), this year has had a knock-on effect on the sex lives of the nation, according to research.

Brook, the sexual health charity, has partnered with intimate health brand, Canesten, to explore some of the themes that are impacting the sex lives of young people in the UK. According to their new research, almost half (49%) of young women felt that their body confidence has been knocked in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, which was leading to a negative impact on their sex lives.

To get the lowdown on how lockdown has left the nation’s sex lives in a rut – plus to garner some tips on fixing the issue – we spoke to a range of experts – from Confidence Expert Jo Painter to Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle, and Brook Education and Wellbeing Expert Amber Newman-Clark.

Low Desire & Libido

One of the biggest impacts of isolation is low desire, which can put an instant blocker on our libido. As Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle explains: “The recent pandemic and lockdown has presented a problem for lots of people in that one of the most common presentations for therapy is the description of low desire, or low libido. What we now know is that female sexual desire is largely responsive and for many people being in lockdown has possibly taken away opportunities in which for these responsive desire opportunities to occur.”

This theme isn’t exclusive to those who physically don’t have the opportunity; couples have been impacted too. As Kate continues: “For couples locked down together, a lack of distance and difference stifles desire, which thrives on novelty, excitement and anticipation.” We hear ya.

Kate maintains that being able to talk to our partners about what is going on, what we like and being able to explore together, is a quick-fix for this issue. “We are not mind readers and there is no way we can see into each other’s heads unless we invite them in by telling them. Communication is key to sexual wellbeing and sexual wellness,: she said.

Virtual Comparison Culture

We spent a lot of time online before the pandemic, but ultimately this has increased exponentially continuing to impact our sex lives, as Kate continues: “We now spend so much of our lives online, and are able to see so much of the lives of others through social media. The vulva is most commonly seen in pornography rather than on mainstream television. This can cause women to lack vulva confidence, and stop them loving themselves just as they are. It’s human nature to compare ourselves against others and the challenge when it comes to vulvas in this instance is that so often, we are left with the feeling that how we look is ‘not normal’.

Yet, there is NO normal and if you can bust this, you’re on your way to being sexually confident: “Reinforce the idea that there is no such thing as normal. Try to break away from the stylised images and representations and look at something more realistic like ‘The Labia Library’ or Laura Dodsworth’s book ‘Womanhood, and The Great Wall of Vagina’.”

Vulval Vulnerability

The decline in body and vulval confidence during the pandemic, can make us feel less inclined to be vulnerable with our vulvas, as Kate tells us: “To be sexual with someone is to be vulnerable. Bodies are a range of shapes, colours, sizes, they have different smells and they make noises – that is normal, but so often we fear what may happen when they do.”

We’ll give ourselves positive affirmations when it comes to feeling low generally, but what about extending this to your vagina?

“It might sound cheesy but the way that you talk to yourself matters and is very important. Especially at the moment when we have all been living in a time of high stress and uncertainty. Offer yourself a set of affirmations every morning to get your day started and include your vulva in that. For example, my body is unique. My body is designed to experience pleasure. My vulva and vagina are a part of me”.

Vulval Familiarity

How well do you think you know your vulva? Part of the discomfort and vulnerability we feel around our vulvas is that we just don’t know them well enough, as Kate tells us: “The anxiety that someone might feel about being naked in front of a partner or their partner seeing their vulva can completely inhibit a sexual experience. It stops them from fully being in the moment and experiencing pleasure as they are distracted by negative thoughts. This is because we only have enough available attention at any one time, and so if we are in our heads, we can’t also be fully in our bodies.”

However, there are ways you can overcome this as Kate continues – and lockdown could be the perfect time for a little sexual exploration:

“Get to know your body more. When you are in the bath, shower or just lying in bed at night, familiarise yourself with your body. Just hold your hands on your vulva, and explore it; not necessarily with the focus of it being sexual, pleasurable (which it may well be), or orgasm but just to get to know your body better.”

Complete Article HERE!

How to practice tantric sex

— a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships

By

  • Tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of intimacy that’s focused on strengthening the bond between you and a partner. 
  • To practice tantric sex, slow down the pace, focus on your breath, and engage all five senses. 
  • Have you ever wanted to slow things down in the bedroom and gain a more intimate connection with a partner? If so, you may want to consider tantric sex — a form of intimacy focused on strengthening the ties between you and your partner. Here’s how to practice tantric sex and tips to integrate the practice into your sex life.

    What is tantric sex?

    Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy. It stems from the Sanskrit word tantra, which means woven together, and is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings.

    In tantric sex, the goal is not about reaching orgasm quickly (if at all) or about feeling incredible physical pleasure. Instead, tantric sex focuses on creating a genuine mindful connection within yourself and then between you and your partner.

    “You feel as if you’re merging together or, rather, that the things that separate you are illusions of the material world,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. “The result of tantric practice is the creation of close bonds with one’s partner, greater awareness of one’s body, and the development of skills such as mindfulness, restraint, and communication.”

     Another benefit of tantric sex is its ability to ease anxiety. Traditionally, intimacy can cause performance anxiety around premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the worry about ensuring orgasm.

    “That pressure… takes you from being in the moment and in your body, to being in your head,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California.

    Tantric sex removes those anxieties. “When [you] are able to redirect [your] focus towards experiencing the sensations of simply being present and connected together, [you] are able to enjoy sex without anxiety or fear,” says Goerlich.

    How to prepare for tantric sex

    1. Learn about its history

    As with any practice rooted in a specific culture, taking the time to understand its history shows respect for its origin and allows you to embrace it with a fuller understanding.

    “We cannot take on the spiritual and religious practices of other cultures without taking the time to honor the origins and understand what we’re doing,” says Goerlich. A great place to start could be this cultural and historical overview of tantra.

    2. Practice mindfulness

    To prepare for tantric sex, Lewis recommends doing a mindfulness practice to connect with your body, become aware of senses, and slow down — all integral aspects of tantric sex.

    This can be done through yoga, meditation, or intentionally focusing on sensations and movements throughout the day.

    3. Create a safe environment

    If trying tantric sex, create a safe environment where you and a partner feel free to connect with yourselves and each other.

    “Somewhere where you can feel uninhibited by distractions, and somewhere that you don’t feel self-conscious about sounds you may make,” says Lewis. “Moaning, grunting, and vocalizing are encouraged with tantric sex, so consider a time when roommates, parents, or children aren’t home.”

    Lewis also suggests incorporating calming sensual elements into the space, such as lit candles and essential oils.

    How to practice tantric sex

    1. Focus on breath

    Focusing on breath is an essential component of tantric sex, as it allows for deeper connection.  Partners are encouraged to synchronize their breaths, so it almost becomes one movement, says Molly Papp, LMFT, sexologist, a certified sex addiction therapist, and owner of Bella Vida Therapy.

    As with most mindfulness practices, the breath also grounds you in the present moment. Try paying attention to a part of your body where you feel the breath, like the belly or chest, and refocus your attention to this part.

    2. Gaze into each other’s eyes

    Spend time gazing into a partner’s eyes. While continual eye contact isn’t necessary for tantric sex, Papp highly recommends it occur often to help build an intimate connection. Eye gazing is another way of synchronizing to each other’s energy. To gaze deeper, try focusing on having your right eye connect with their right eye.

    3. Slow down

    Tantric sex is not a race to an orgasmic finish line, but a chance to slow down and explore each other’s bodies. It can last until you reach orgasm, feel connected, or are emotionally satisfied.

    This attitude change relieves a lot of typically felt anxiety. “It is especially great for women because of its focus on slowing things down and waiting for arousal to build,” says Papp. “In an age where we are flooded with unrealistic pressure to feel orgasmic pleasure within minutes, this is freeing for many women.”

    Papp suggests having lube, oils, or lotion nearby to ensure slow movements aren’t painful.

    4. Engage all five senses

    The only “goal” of tantric sex is remaining present and being aware of sensations in the body. To do this, Lewis suggests paying attention to all five of your senses, not just touch.

    “Notice how your partner smells, what the curves of their bodies look like, what tastes you pick up in your mouth as you kiss, what it sounds like when they or you moan,” Lewis says. “These are all great ways to become grounded in your body and present in the moment.”

    5. Incorporate massage 

    Sex does not need to be penetrative. “Kissing, touching, holding, rubbing, and more can all lead to a full tantric sexual experience, no penetration necessary,” says Lewis.

    Even if you want to incorporate penetrative sex, Goerlich says there’s no reason to rush into it. Start by focusing on markers that keep you present and connected, like massaging or cuddling.

    “Prolong this sensory exploration and carry it over into your penetrative sex — if indeed you have penetrative sex,” says Goerlich.

    In fact, focusing on other forms of intimacy can help keep anxiety levels down. “Something more sensual rather than sexual could help calm one or both partners,” says Papp. “A cuddle session or massage would help relieve that anxiety and ease the experience.”

    Takeaways

    Tantric sex slows down an intimate experience and emphasizes the connection between you and a partner. The practice involves focusing on the breath, staying present, and creating a safe environment to explore sensual intimacy.

Complete Article HERE!

A beginner’s guide to trying BDSM for the first time

How would you even bring it up with your partner?

By Natalie Morris

For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.

If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?

As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.

Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.

But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:

What is BDSM?

This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.

There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:

  • B&D – Bondage and Discipline
  • D&S – Dominance and Submission
  • S&M – Sadism and Masochism

The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.

‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’

Communication, trust and consent

Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.

The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:

  • RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
  • SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.

‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’

How to talk to your partner about BDSM

Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.

‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.

‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’

They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.

‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.

‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.

‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.

‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’

Introducing BDSM to your relationship

If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.

The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).

‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.

‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.

‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.

‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.

‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’

And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.

Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.

Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.

Complete Article HERE!

The best positions for using sex toys

It’s time to mix things up!

by

Love using sex toys, but finding things are starting to get a little boring in the bedroom?

Whether you’re going solo, or enjoying being with a partner, we all know that using one of the best vibrators can really boost your pleasure levels. But have you thought about the best positions for using sex toys? Turns out, there are more ways to use them than you might first think.

And, there is no need to feel daunted. New research by sexual wellness brand LELO has found 42% of couples are now using sex toys together. Plus, 32% of Brits say they use one when going solo.

“Sensory play and satisfaction is a key part of sexual wellbeing. And sex toys are a great way of achieving that,” says sex and relationship expert for LELO, Kate Moyle.

“Sex toys shouldn’t compete with, but should compliment partnered sex,” says Kate. “This is because they can offer different elements and sensations that can help you to maintain variety in your sex life. This is also the case for solo play.”

So, what are you waiting for? Grab a toy and try out these positions recommended by Kate:

The best positions for using sex toys

1. Hands-free is great for mixing things up

Remote controlled toys are a great way for couples to explore giving control to the other,” says Kate. “Encourage the partner using the toy to lie back on a bed with the other partner out the direct line of sight. This will also add to the suspense of not knowing what’s going to happen next.”

2. Lying on your front is one of the best positions for sex toys

This is definitely one of the best positions for using sex toys, but is rarely depicted on screen. “On your front is a great position as it can work for both male and female sex toys,” says Kate. “Position the sex toy between two pillows on your bed and then lie on your front, using the sex toy to stimulate you.”

3. Try your sex toy in the bath or shower

Checked that the sex toy you are using is 100% waterproof? “Then use the sensation of water to mix it up,” says Kate. “For example, turn on the handheld shower or the tap. Then you can swap between the shower head and your sex toy or use them simultaneously.”

4. Use your sex toy all over your body

Who says one of the best positions for using sex toys is just one place on the body? “Using a wand vibrator, such as the Smart Wand 2, can help give you an all-over body massage,” says Kate. “This won’t just help you to relax, but can build up desire and arousal by teasing. Running along the inner thighs, the lower back and buttocks can build up anticipation, which is our most natural aphrodisiac.” This level of relaxation is one of the reasons a vibrator is good for your health.

5. Spooning is one of the best positions for using your sex toy

“Spooning is the perfect position for slow and gentle sex,” say Kate. “And a vibrator can be the perfect addition as the ‘big spoon’ is easily able to reach around for clitoral stimulation on the little spoon partner. A bullet vibrator or finger vibrator would work really well. Plus, you can start your spooning session at any point and then add in the vibrator. Just make sure you have it easily in reach so that you don’t have to scrabble around for it and interrupt your enjoyment.”

6. Let them wear the sex toy, if you can

Playing with a partner? Then let them do some of the work with a sex toy which offers multiple functions. “A cockring that stretches around the penis is great for penetrative sex,” says Kate. “It also offers great clitoral stimulation if worn during sex, particularly when the woman is on top. You can also use it for mutual masturbation or oral sex to add something different.”

7. Using your finger can help guide your sex toy

“A finger vibrator can be especially helpful for solo fun if you are using lube,” says Kate. “There’s nothing more distracting than losing your grip or slipping just as you edge towards orgasm! But it’s also a great addition to oral sex and can be used all around the vulva.”

8. Try your sex toy while sitting up

Forget simply lying on your back. “Sitting up on your knees and lowering yourself onto a sex toy can be a great way for vulva and vagina owners to mix it up at home,” says Kate. “Using a sex toy with a base so that it can be secured to a surface can help. Or, standing it up between two pillows can be helpful if you are on your bed.”

9. Do the reverse cowgirl

Want to try the reverse cowgirl with a handheld vibrator? You should! “It means that you can use it for stimulation on the riding partner, and that you can also use it on the bottom partner on their perineum or testicles for additional sensation,” says Kate.

Complete Article HERE!

7 Fun Ways To Gamify Your Boring Sex Life

By Mary Grace Garis

Everyone interprets sex differently, but when a roll in the sack feels like a choreographed routine to reach orgasm or a chore like doing the dishes or taking out the trash, it might be time to change things up. Like videos games, sex games don’t have to be exclusively goal-oriented. A fun sex game is meant to help you diversify your pleasure (and maybe even make you laugh a little).

Now, I’m not talking about Truth or Dare, or Seven Minutes in Heaven, or what I imagine would be a very short round of Spin the Bottle. There are so many online resources, toys and tools to gamify your sex life, making all parts of the sexual response cycle really count. Hell, there are even some fun options if you’re only doing single-player games right now. Below, seven ways to emphasize the “play” in sex play with fun games.

Fun sex games to play with your partner (or yourself)

1.Wheel of Foreplay

Wheel of Foreplay is a veritable circus of creative sex ideas, using a virtual wheel and different game packs to deliver little challenges. Depending the nature of your sexual dynamic (long distance, solo sex, whatever) you’ll get different prompts. I just picked out a card from the Some Like It Hot pack. “Put on a streaming service and play the last show you watched,” it reads. “Your partner has to perform oral sex through the opening sequence of the show.”

Seems like a dodgy way to repurpose the Sailor Moon theme song, but I love the bravery.

2.Kinkly’s Sex Position Generator

Sometimes the deeper into a relationship the more you get into a certified sex routine—a series almost choreographed moves that traditionally work, or eventually just sort of lose their luster. If you feel like the spark is gone, Kinkly has a sex position generator that you can filter according to position type, erogenous zone stimulation, mobility and accessories. Plug in your pleasure and see what comes up!

3. CalExotics EmojiGasm Dice

If you and your partner don’t know where to start, CalExotics Emojigasm Dice is a super non-intimidating (read: adorable) way to find out where the night should take you. With each die representing body part, action, and location you’re bound to get lucky with these friends.

4.Eforia

Eforia is a sexual wellness app with different functions meant to get you in the mood, but one is particularly good if you’re looking to turn yourself on during solo sex. The “play” feature is basically a dirty choose-you-own adventure roleplay where you receive texts from an imaginary someone, based around a certain erotic narrative. I just tested it out (for journalism) and things got so intense I literally flipped my phone over when my roommate walked into the kitchen. Let’s…move on, shall we?

5.“Use Your Mouth” Sex and Relationship Conversation Starter Cards

Now that we don’t love an old-fashioned game of strip poker, but these cards curated by sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW are great if you want to explore desires with a new (or better yet, old!) partner. It features of deck of 50 open-ended questions about sex and relationships that are destined to bring you both closer. Like way closer.

6.Netflix and Strip

As far as resources go you just Netflix for some other streaming platform for this. Easy, right? Courtesy of sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD, this game is pretty straightforward. You each select a different word that should occur with some frequency during the show.

“For example, if your selected word is ‘yes,’ you remove one piece of your partner’s clothing each time you hear it,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “If they select ‘no’ as their magic word, they strip you of one article each time they hear it. You can share your words or keep them a secret and let your partner guess. If you do not reveal your word to your lover, it also makes it easier to cheat—and a little cheating is okay in this case as long as it is playful and consensual.”

7. We-Vibe

Break out your toys from your toy box! You can utilize another wearable vibrator of your choosing, but something that can be remote controlled is ideal.

“Wearing a toy like the Moxie or Ditto out for the day and connect to the We-Connect app,” Dr. O’Reilly says. “Make a contest to see who finds it more distracting, for example, can you sit through a meeting? Winner gets a special sexy surprise of your choosing.”

Complete Article HERE!

BDSM is fun, science confirms

By Thom Waite

For people who aren’t particularly open when it comes to sex and sexuality, BDSM can be difficult to understand, even though previous reports suggest that its practitioners tend to have better sex. Now, a new study suggests that the pleasure associated with BDSM is also scientifically provable.

Published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the research involved taking blood samples from 35 Belgian couples – recruited via FetLife, a popular social network for the fetish community – before a consensual BDSM “play” session at a sex club. More blood samples were taken after the end of the session, then analysed to measure the change in hormone levels. Meanwhile, a group of 27 people not interested in BDSM (the control group) ran similar tests at a sports club.

The results show that the biological effects of a BDSM interaction are a clear indicator of increased pleasure. For dominant partners, this is mainly linked to the power play aspect of the interaction, which caused a rise in endocannabinoid levels (which are linked to feelings of bliss and contentment). For submissive partners, on the other hand, the results showed that the hormonal change isn’t associated with power play, but with pain play.

Another finding was the increased release of cortisol – typically a response to stress – in submissive partners, but not their dominant counterparts. The researchers say that the findings: “confirm our hypothesis that a BDSM interaction seems to elicit a stress response from the body.” The study also concludes that this increase in stress is related to the provable experience of pleasure in BDSM interactions.

According to the researchers, demonstrating this biological drive behind sexual behaviors that many people find “aberrant” or abnormal is a first step in deconstructing the stigma.

Elise Wuyts, the author of the study, tells PsyPost: “Even though the idea of including power imbalances and pain in (sexual) intimacy is something many people struggle with, enjoying these practices has a biological basis and could for instance be compared to the pleasurable high that long-distance runners experience.” 

“Because this is a pilot study,” Wuyts adds, “it is only scratching the surface of what can be said about the biology of BDSM… It would be interesting to see if the results can be reproduced with other cultures or larger sample sizes.” Presumably, FetLife has plenty of willing participants if a future study were to come around.

Complete Article HERE!

30 Ideas To Spice Up Sexual Foreplay —

From Erotic To Romantic

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Foreplay is traditionally defined as the physically and emotionally intimate acts that two people engage in to turn themselves on before having sexual intercourse. But these days, the concept of foreplay can seem a little antiquated and heteronormative as society moves toward a more expansive view of sex and sexuality.

How to think about foreplay.

Sex is much more than just penis-in-vagina intercourse. Assuming that every other sexual or intimate activity is “just” a buildup to the “main event” of P-in-V intercourse centers the pleasure of people with penises (since for people with vaginas, intercourse probably won’t make you come) and also ignores the types of sexual encounters trans and queer people have.

A healthy way to think of foreplay is to disregard the fore and concentrate on playfulness. Think of it as anything that you and your partner(s) engage in to turn each other on and set the mood, no matter what happens before or afterward. “Foreplay is about creating a mood that is conducive to being physical and wanting sex,” says sex therapist Madeline Cooper, LCSW, CST. “Making sure that your relationship is incorporating sexually arousing moments outside of the moments right before sex is just as important as the sex itself.”

Instead of “foreplay,” sex therapist Sari Cooper, LCSW-R, CST, uses the term “outercourse” to describe all the sex acts that might fall into this category.

Below are some foreplay ideas to try with your partners, organized by the five senses, plus a few bonus tips at the bottom for long-term couples.

“Pleasure is experienced through the body, and more specifically through the body’s sensations. Therefore, when looking for inspiration for foreplay, the most direct place to find it is through the senses,” therapist Bri Shewan, LMFT, tells mbg.

Look directly at each other for an extended period of time. Alternatively, try and flirtily catch each other’s eyes across the room as you both work on different things. Try and capture the “first crush” feelings of not being able to keep your eyes away from each other.

If you want to take eye contact to the next level, relationship and sexuality coach Renee Adolphe recommends incorporating tantric eye gazing.

“Begin looking into each other’s eyes. Stare into the nondominant eye, which is the left eye if you are right-handed. Stare for at least 5 minutes or however long you wish,” Adolphe instructs. “This will build a connection and help both of you open up and want to go deeper into lovemaking.”

On the flip side, disengage your sight abilities by using a blindfold to heighten other sensations. Let your partner cover your eyes and then whisper what they’re going to do to you in your ear.

“Stripteases can help spice up the sexual charge,” says Dow. “You could give your partner a striptease, request one from them, or invite them to a strip club to indulge in receiving a striptease together.”

5. Do something else while naked.

Walk around completely naked together, especially if you’re used to being covered up. Sit and watch a movie together buck naked and see how it feels to have your skin against their skin. Take time to really look at your partner, to appreciate every inch of them.

Dim the lights and light candles. Bonus points if they have a smell you find sexy.

Lie facing each other and put on a show. Not only is this hot in and of itself, but “it can also give you an opportunity to show your partner(s) ways you especially enjoy being touched too so you can maximize pleasure together in the future,” says Anna Dow, LMFT.

8. Be the stars of the show.

Make your own sexy video and watch it together.

“Kissing is vital in establishing pleasure and connection during foreplay. But expand your kissing to beyond the lips,” Adolphe recommends. “Kiss your partner’s neck, ears, forehead, breasts, chest, all over their back (backs are highly erogenous as well), the buttocks, thighs and inner thighs, back of knees, toes, etc. Enjoy kisses of different pressures. Lock eyes and use your eyes to speak and say what you want to do to them while you are kissing. They will feel that intensity.”

10. Break out some ice cubes.

Let your partner run ice cubes over your nipples or inner thighs. Put a small cube in your mouth and make out, enjoying the sensation of the hot and the cold mingling together.

Spank each other, starting gently and increasing in intensity if desired. Aim for fleshy areas such as the ass and the thighs so as to not cause any serious damage. Get creative and use household items such as a spatula or a rolled-up newspaper if you get tired of using your hands. Enjoy the sensation of your blood rushing to the surface of your skin.

Many people, even those without a specific latex fetish, find it extremely erotic to wear this restrictive and revealing material. Put an outfit on and then do something mundane like cook or clean whilst your partner watches you.

13. Apply makeup to each other or give each other a facial (not that kind!).

These activities require you to be up close and personal with each other without being overtly sexual. Concentrate on the sensation of your lover brushing powder over your cheeks or massaging lotion into your forehead. Let yourself relax into their touch.

Use nipple clamps to increase sensation. You can apply them yourself or ask your partner to. Make out whilst your partner gently pulls on the clamps.

It’s a classic, but it’s a good one. Take turns rubbing each other’s bodies, asking your partner where they especially want to be touched. Use a good quality massage oil so as to make everything glide along more smoothly. To up the ante, try a tantric massage such as a lingam massage, yoni massage, or nipple massage.

Run a bath filled with lavender oil or any essential oil you find erotic and invite your lover in to join you. “Just make sure to check about scent sensitivities and that the smells introduced have positive associations for the people involved, since scent is so strongly connected to memory,” reminds Shewan.

They’re not just for spring! Fill your bedroom with sweet-scented and brightly colored flowers and imagine you’re out in nature where anyone could come across you…

Do some light physical activity together such as yoga. The sweaty scent of a partner can really get you in the mood! Not to mention that seeing each other in tight workout clothes can be very invigorating.

19. Read erotica to each other.

Either read erotica to each other from a book or website or write your own and then exchange them, so you can get a clue about the other person’s fantasies. This can be great if you’re too shy to tell them face to face.

Create a shared playlist on Spotify which you both add sexy songs to throughout the day. These can be songs that are sexy in and of themselves or just songs that remind you of your relationship, depending on whether you want to set a more erotic or romantic mood.

21. Voice record yourself.

Slip off to the bathroom in the middle of the workday and touch yourself while recording a voice note of your breathing and/or a narrative of what you’re doing and send it to your partner.

22. Voice record yourselves together.

The thought of making visual porn may seem too intimidating, so how about auditory porn? You can audio record your and your partner(s) having sex and then listen back to it together to get in the mood.

23. Challenge yourself to be silent.

See how long you can go touching your partner without either of you making a sound. This works especially well if you’re in a place where you really don’t want to get caught. The element of danger can add to the eroticism.

Make one of your favorite dishes together, standing close to each other as you work. Squeeze closely past each other and brush against each other unnecessarily. Try and go through the whole cooking process without making out to heighten the feeling of longing.

Eat foods off of each other such as berries, whipped cream, or chocolate syrup. Make sure to keep foodstuffs away from your actual genitals so as to not upset your pH balance.

Cover your fingers or toes in flavored lube and then suck and lick it off each other.

27. Create a sense of occasion.

“Inviting a partner through a sext or handwritten invitation to meet the other in a room or place other than the bedroom can be an adventurous exciting change of pace,” says Sari Cooper.

28. Switch up your location.

“Novelty on where outercourse takes place in addition to nuanced novel activities can increase one’s erotic desire and physical arousal,” Sari Cooper says. “For example, inviting a partner to a nest created out of comfy blankets and pillows on a rug in a den, surrounded by a basket of sex toys, great music, and requesting a dress code.”

“Put on some sexy music and dance. Couples can really become aroused with couple dancing such as salsa, tango, or reggae, depending on the person,” Adolphe says.

30. Take penis-in-vagina intercourse off the table.

Especially if you’re a cis man and cis woman, it’s easy to fall into the trap of making everything revolve around eventually getting to penis-in-vagina intercourse. But therein lies the problem.

“When my clients talk about difficulty with arousal, I ask about their sexual script, and most of my heterosexual couples turn right to PiV intercourse after some kissing,” Madeline Cooper says. “I will ask them if they went to a restaurant and there was only one dish on the menu, if they would get bored after a while. Most say admittedly yes, and I will ask them why they do the same thing during sexual experiences.”

To offset this, Cooper recommends creating a long and diverse sexual menu featuring all sorts of sex acts other than intercourse. “Create a menu where you can do other things other than PiV, and where intercourse is not always the expectation.”

Complete Article HERE!

Want better sex?

Audio erotica and mindfulness could be the answer

By Alex Peters

Sexual wellness app Ferly is promoting female pleasure through mindfulness

For Dr Anna Hushlak it’s not about getting off, it’s about how you get there. That’s why she, along with co-founder Billie Quinlan, created Ferly, a safe space for women to help us get in touch with our bodies and learn about our sexuality, desires, and pleasures.

Part of a growing number of apps catering to female sexual wellbeing, Ferly focuses on the self-care aspect of sex with a particular interest in the mental and emotional side. Combining mindfulness and cognitive therapy with self-touch in immersive audio experiences, Ferly guides you through exercises involving body mapping, self-pleasure, fantasies, and nuturing desire so that you can get more sex-literate and have more positive, mindful sex. It’s like Headspace but with masturbation.

“In the UK, 51 per cent of women aged 16 to 64 have reported experiencing three or more sexual difficulties in the last year, everything from pain or anxiety during sex to low libido and issues with arousal,” Hushlak tells me from where she isolating in rural Canada. “For us, having good sexual wellbeing is as important as getting regular exercise or getting a good night’s sleep. It’s one of those things that’s just so fundamental to our health yet we haven’t historically seen it that way.”

Guiding their community on this journey towards sexual confidence and wellbeing is very close to Hushlak and Quinlan’s hearts – they’ve travelled down the same path as many of their community and they themselves are still discovering and navigating what works for them. Both founders have experienced sexual violence personally and shared similar feelings of guilt, shame and stigma around it. “Billie was sexually assaulted at work. I was raped when I was a teenager. And neither of those experiences we really had support around,” Hushlak tells me. “There was a feeling of having to rediscover ourselves and our sexual selves and our autonomy through sex. And that led to Ferly because it’s the support that we wish we had that wasn’t there when we went through it.”

We spoke to Hushlak to find out more.

How would you explain the concept of mindful sex to people who haven’t heard the term before?

Dr Anna Hushlak: It’s about really slowing down. It’s about understanding how you feel about sex, not just how you have it. Most of our education, if we’ve even had an education around sex, has been focused on the ‘doing it’ and it’s often come through a particular lens of heterosexual sex. Generally it’s two people, generally it’s penetrative, and generally it’s considered successful if it results in an orgasm – typically that’s male climax.

For us, mindfulness is about flipping the script. It’s about saying: how do you actually feel about it? What’s your mind-body connection? Have you taken the time to explore and discover your body? Have you taken the time to actually notice sensations in your body, to create awareness of your body? And it’s much more focused on things like cultivating intimacy, on playing with sensation and touch and experience. And it’s really about body awareness and bringing that into your sex life.

Why was an app the right choice for the platform?

Dr Anna Hushlak: Looking through the science around digital interventions and online therapy, there’s quite a bit of research showing that online interventions are as effective as offline and face-to-face. And another big aspect for us is accessibility. When you’re face-to-face, you’re required to be there physically and that assumes that you’ve got financial freedom to get there, that you’ve got physical mobility to get there, and that you’ve got time to be able to get there.

The other aspect to that was that not everybody is comfortable with the topic. If people are in relationships, their partners might not be supportive of it, or it might be kind of a tense topic for them. We know that not everybody is starting in the same place. So an app allows for a degree of privacy and a degree of going at your own tempo and your own rhythm in a way that’s yours and yours alone. An app was what we saw as the most accessible and the most affordable option for people to do that. And it also allows us to tap into countries around the world. We’ve got users in Saudi Arabia, we’ve got users in Argentina, we’ve got users in the Philippines. So it’s meant that we have that global reach in a way that we wouldn’t be able to do if it was just face-to-face.

One of the techniques that you use is cognitive therapy. Can you explain that a little bit?

Dr Anna Hushlak: There’s a really phenomenal researcher, Dr Lori Brotto, who’s pioneered using mindfulness-based cognitive therapy for sexual wellbeing and treating sexual difficulties. The principles of it are a combination of cognitive therapy, which focuses on reframing negative beliefs and ‘head tapes’ or ‘thinking areas.’ It’s different tools and techniques that help you restructure those thoughts so that they’re not so paralysing and overwhelming and you don’t get wrapped up in these thought cycles. That’s then combined with mindfulness-based techniques. So for example, breathwork, body mapping, focusing on non-sexual touch, really tapping into body awareness.

The combination of the two allows us to help our community members reframe a lot of the messaging they’ve been told and the beliefs they have around sex. For example, that good sex results in orgasm and to reframe that more to say, ‘What does pleasure mean to me? What feels good?’ Alongside doing physical practices that help them kind of ground themselves in the moment, either alone or with a partner. So mindful masturbation where instead of taking two minutes to get off, it’s taking 15 minutes to and touch your collarbone, to play with touch on the inside of your leg, to notice the movement of your breath, to play with different feathering techniques on the clitorus and so it’s much more about a combination of mental and physical practices working together.

What has been the effect of technology allowing such easy access to porn on women’s relationship to sex?

Dr Anna Hushlak: Mainstream porn brings up all these issues around toxic masculinity, around performance, around gender roles, around body image and what a body should or shouldn’t look like. We’ve definitely seen rates of labiaplasty on the rise. One of the reasons we decided on audio erotica for the app was because it allows us to move away from body ideals. It also allows us to tap into imagination and fantasy, which we know are incredibly important to healthy sexuality.

The use of fantasy and erotic stimulus is incredibly important in that it allows us to create the context and it helps us to get in the mood, which, or women and folks AFAB is particularly important because for them desire tends to be more responsive instead of spontaneous, whereas for men, it tends to be more spontaneous. Dr Emily Nagoski, writes about this and she describes it as this lightning bolt to the genitals, which is the main story we’ve been told about what desire and arousal looks like. But that’s actually not what most women experience.

Are women more inclined to prefer audio rather than visual erotica?

Dr Anna Hushlak: I’m not sure statistically the difference between men and women in that regard. A lot of our community comes from backgrounds where they’ve experienced sexual difficulties. People who have felt a lot of shame or stigma, whether that’s from trauma or just ‘meh’ average-type sex. Erotica has been a way for them to transition into opening up their own sexuality, whether there’s a difference between their preference for audio or visual. 

I’m completely making an assumption but I would think that because of the nature often of body insecurities and the pressure around women to have a particular looking body, I would say that audio allows for there to be more left to the imagination. Generally, in mainstream porn, there is a typical idea of what you have to look like and audio allows us to just kind of step away from the visual. A lot of us have actually lost the ability or muted our ability to imagine and visualise and fantasise because we’re fed images all the time.

The stories section of the app has a queer section, how have you tailored content specifically towards queer women?

Dr Anna Hushlak: What we’ve found is that thoughts around same sex often fall into two categories: either same sex is wrong or same sex is fetishised. One of our big things is how do we try to challenge our own limitations around thinking about it? How do we try to broaden the conversation around it? Having queer stories in there, but also, when we do our guided practices if we’re talking about people in relationships, not assuming that it’s a couple. It might be a polyamorous relationship. Not assuming pronouns, so by default using they instead of he or she. Making sure that we’re not describing sex as heterosexual penis and vagina penetrative sex, which is the default that most of us have been taught is ‘normal’.

It’s an opportunity for us to challenge those norms and to think about how we can support our queer community as well as how we can learn to be better allies to that community. Making sure that we’re not speaking for but we’re speaking with. I know that the stories are an interesting area for some of the queer folks in our community to start to explore that side that some of them haven’t necessarily had the opportunity to do based on more traditional upbringings or kind of shame and stigma around that kind of cultural taboos.

During lockdown you’ve seen an increase in downloads of 65 per cent and an increase in content such as the Body Mapping being consumed. Why do you think that is?

Dr Anna Hushlak: On one hand, you have the people who are now suddenly in lockdown with a partner and are now having to navigate a much more intense environment. A lot of the topics that came up around that were: healthy communication, fluctuations in desire, low libido, how do you keep your sex life going? On the flip side, we had the community members that were in lockdown on their own. So you’ve got the people that have been maybe using sex as a tool for confidence and self-esteem. So with them you had the switch to starting to look inwards as opposed to externally for validation. Taking the time to re-evaluate what sex means to them and develop a healthier relationship to sex

Then we had the other group of people who were on their own that were coming from a sex-neutral or sex-negative lens where it was like, I’ve never really masturbated before. I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve got a lot of shame or stigma around it, I don’t feel comfortable touching myself. We would see an increase in, for example, body mapping as a practice which is much more around shifting from a perspective of masturbation to self pleasure. Not being focused on this goal of getting off, not masturbating in the same way that we’ve kind of been masturbating our whole lives: vibrator on for two minutes, I’m done, scratched that itch. Self-pleasure is much more of a mindfulness approach: I’m going to just feel sensations in my body and I’m going to explore what I like and what I don’t like, what I may be curious about. And the whole purpose of it is just to be present with my body, not necessarily to come.

Complete Article HERE!

65 per cent of people want to shake up their sex life in lockdown

People have been using lockdown rather creatively…

By

The study also found that 97 per cent of people believe sexual health and pleasure affects overall wellness. So there’s no better time like the present to get searching for the best vibrator (you might even be lucky enough to bag one in the bank holiday sales…)

A new study by American sex toy company Ella Paradis has found that one in three people are considering a more adventurous sex life in the wake of lockdown.

The study, conducted on 1,370 American adults between the ages of 18 and 54, also found that almost all of those surveyed (97 per cent) thought that sexual health and pleasure is crucial to overall wellness. (And we’re all about health.)

The study further found that one in three people were masturbating more than they were prior to the pandemic. Meaning you can definitely consider a vibrator an investment piece. (After all, vibrators do have a multitude of surprising benefits – as Toni Braxton recently revealed in her Vogue beauty video.)

While 51 per cent of respondents said their physical intimacy has stayed the same as it was prior to lockdown, 28 per cent admitted to going at it less than before. 19 per cent of people, meanwhile, reported having more sex than before.

The sex toy company’s CEO said of the study, “Without access to [favourite] activities, having a vibrant fulfilling sex life is more important than ever. Sexual fulfillment and experimentation are key to getting through the monotony of life in quarantine.”

So whether in a couple or going it solo, there’s plenty out there to help you along the way to a more satisfying sex life.

Complete Article HERE!

Are Sex Breaks the New Lunch Break?

In these WFH times, experts say a midday quickie can actually boost focus and productivity while lowering stress levels.

By Allison Hope

It’s no secret that working from home is taking its toll. We’re feeling sluggish and overwhelmed, and, in many cases, trying not to lose our shit at our partners while trapped in a small space.

But some have found a new method of busting stress and boosting pleasure during these times: Workday sex breaks. After all, why reserve sex for nighttime when there’s no office to commute home from?

“I highly recommend skipping lunch and having sex instead,” says Kelly N., 25, from Bristol, England, who works in marketing. She says she’s been enjoying sex one to two times a day with her live-in partner to break up the workday since COVID hit. “It really transforms your working day and helps you find some separation if you’re cooped up and working from home,” she says.

Kelly is far from alone in squeezing sex in between Zoom calls.

Kate, 27, who lives in Indianapolis and runs a sex toy and advice website with her husband, has workday sex once a week with hubby and once a week by herself. “There’s something that I love about having just been on a conference call, then having sex with my husband, and going back to work with none of my coworkers knowing the secretive fun I just had on my lunch break. There’s something that feels sneaky about workday sex and it’s part of my sexuality to enjoy that,” she says.

Sex during the workday can also be a solution to end-of-the-day exhaustion that sucks some of the fun out of it. Fatima T., 31, from Florida, says that daily sex with her husband during the day is just easier. Shifting work schedules and kids make nighttime sex less plausible, plus, “I’ve noticed things go a lot smoother when I’ve had sex with my husband during the day. I’m more focused on tasks as well,” she says.

Workday sexcapades are not an anomaly. In fact, even before COVID-19 hit, roughly one out of every five work-from-homers were dipping into lunchbreak sex. And that number has likely skyrocketed: Pre-pandemic, just 4% of us worked from home; now, it’s about a third of Americans.

Michigan-based sex and relationships therapist Stefani Goerlich, LMSW, says an increase in daytime sex is an emerging trend with her clients and colleagues since COVID forced us home. “But this is taking many forms; it’s not just married couples having a midday quickie. I’m also hearing a lot more about masturbation happening during the workday — occasionally even during meetings, when one is listening in but muted/off-screen,” she says. (More later on why that’s not the greatest idea.)

Goerlich is also seeing frustrations from people who had to sever their in-office affairs when work-from-home became the norm. “This pandemic has resulted both in significantly more sexual activity ‘in the workplace’ as well as a somewhat ironic decrease in office rendezvous as well,” she says.

But workday sex during COVID isn’t just a welcome distraction from the hum-drum of conference calls and a pandemic. It’s also a way to boost productivity and work performance, whether you’re pushing numbers, words, or crafting code for a living.

“Orgasm can relax you, allow you to think clearer and boost your mood for the day,” says certified sexologist Shan Boodram.

Ro Sanchez, 45, an intimacy coach based in Ohio, engages in sexual activities during the workday daily virtually via chat, sexting, and videos. “I can honestly say that having sex during the workday enhances both my productivity and mental health,” she says. “After work sex, I am more assertive and confident which helps come across in my Zoom meetings, pitch presentations, and consults. It’s easier to focus on my goals for the day mainly because of the stress and anxiety relief as an instant result from the release of endorphins.”

The health benefits of having sex aren’t just happenstance; they are well documented. “Sex is a mood lifter. It relieves stress, boosts immunity, and helps foster a deeper sense of intimacy in relationships,” says ob-gyn Alyse Kelly-Jones, M.D., of Novant Health Women’s Sexual Health & Wellness in Charlotte, North Carolina.

If you are going to engage, just be sure to plan scheduled breaks. Embrace the old-school concept of the lunch hour quickie, rather than engaging in sexual activity while you are officially ‘on the clock’, says Goerlich. She also recommends some common-sense guidelines to live by if you are engaging in workday shenanigans to mitigate the potential risk of getting caught with your pants down.

First up: Don’t masturbate during meetings (that would still meet the definition of sexual harassment were you to be caught) and don’t send explicit messages/photos through company-owned technology. Bottom line: Better safe than sorry seems to be the mantra when it comes to safe workday sex practices.

Brooklyn-based columnist Zach Zane doesn’t care if his employees have sex on the clock. “I see no reason why it would be an issue as long as you’re getting your work done and don’t take that much time having workday sex. Your breaktime is your time. You can spend 20 minutes masturbating or you can spend 20 minutes scrolling through Instagram. There really is no difference. (Besides, I’d argue scrolling through Instagram is mental masturbation.),” he says.

Lanae St. John, a board-certified sexologist based in San Francisco who previously worked in HR, agrees that employers shouldn’t have any reason to go after employees who opt for coitus over coffee breaks. “Folks take smoke breaks and feel zero guilt for that. Sex is a much healthier habit than smoking. All the employer really cares about is that customers are taken care of professionally and tasks are done on time.” (Of course, you’re asking for trouble if you brag about your workday sexcapades to your coworkers on Slack. Just don’t do it.)

Sex during the workday may last as long as the pandemic does, or perhaps it’s an uptick in a new reflex that’s here to stay as more people work from home long-term. While not without some risks, it seems a slice of workday sex — either with a partner or yourself — could bring more good than harm.

Complete Article HERE!

5 questions we kept asking therapists during lockdown

by Kayleigh Dray

Is it normal that we haven’t had sex in ages? And how do we start (ahem) doing it again? Here are the five questions we most wanted to ask a couples therapist over lockdown, answered.

Whether you believe a second wave is inevitable or not, there’s no denying that the long weeks we spent in coronavirus lockdown were a funny old time indeed. In a bid to flatten the Covid-19 curve, we stayed indoors as much as possible, we worked from home if we were able, and we avoided public transport like the literal plague.

But how did all that social distancing impact our relationships?

Or, to put it more bluntly, what did it do to our sex lives?

In a bid to learn more about how our (ahem) Netflix ‘n’ Chill vibes changed during the pandemic (if at all), we reached out to Dr Kalanit Ben-Ari.

And the psychologist, author, and couples therapist came up trumps, revealing the five questions she was asked most during lockdown, as well as the answers she offered up.

Prepare to feel extremely seen.

We’re experiencing burnout due to being together 24/7. How can we add a bit of spice and excitement to our sex life?

Lockdown has forced many of us to spend more time at home than ever before. Even though this extra time brings its own set of perks, being cooped up with your partner constantly can take away the opportunity to miss each other, and each day becomes predictable, routine, and lacks spontaneity.

With lockdown life now the new normal, it’s become all too easy to fall into the same well-worn routine that leaves spontaneity and novelty on the backburner. That’s why it’s vital to find different ways to create some space to give you both the chance to develop your passion, or even just relax and recharge your batteries. Igniting new energy and experiences can add a splash of excitement that, in my opinion, is necessary to stimulate relationships.

As with all new things, communication is key. Have a chat with your partner about what each of you would like to do to bring a new sense of spice to your sex life. Ask each other questions. 

Try something like:

  1. What does sex mean to each of you? 
  2. What would you both like to try? 
  3. How would trying new things benefit not just your sex life but your relationship as a whole? 
  4. And, how can you make the process of discovery more fun and exciting?

An easy way to begin is to take it in turns to bring something new to the bedroom each week. One thing I often suggest to my clients is to learn a massage technique to generate desire. You could do an online course or watch clips to get to grips with techniques, bringing your newfound skill to your partner each week is what matters. This will help keep the spark of spontaneity and novelty alive and build anticipation for each new encounter.

We haven’t had sex for months, how do I initiate it now?

Establishing an intimate and mindful connection should be your top priority rather than putting an emphasis on purely having sex to achieve an orgasm. When life takes over it can be all too easy to avoid intimacy, which is why it’s so important that you schedule and loosely plan ‘date nights’. That way you enjoy the anticipatory build-up to them. Clear your to-do list so that you can be fully present in the moment without any distraction and show up with excitement rather than an anxiety of the unknown.

I often recommend to my clients to read Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate Intimate Lovemaking by Jo Robinson and Patricia Love as it includes exercises couples can explore together. I also strongly recommend keeping the bedroom a screen-free zone by removing all phones, laptops, TVs and tablets. Then, take the opportunity to go to your bedroom together an hour earlier than usual, giving you a better opportunity to connect.

It may feel intimidating in the beginning, but by continuing to practice being present and mindful in the moment (rather than having your thoughts drift to the past or future worries) you’ll experience real, fulfilling progress.

My libido has been low since the Covid-19 outbreak. What can I do to increase it?

First of all, take the time to learn about your body fully. Get to grips with what turns you on and what turns you off so that you become the master of your own desires and needs. Deepening your understanding of your body means you can talk to and teach your partner about what you like and the new things you learn without shaming or criticizing what they already do for you.

Secondly, focus on becoming the master of your partner’s body. Learn from their non-verbal reactions and ask them what, where, and how they like to be touched. Consider getting your partner to demonstrate what they like or write instructions as a fun way to discover each other. The main idea here is to be relaxed, mindful, and present during intimate moments with your partner so that you both let go of any expectations or worries around performance anxiety.

A fun exercise to try out is taking turns showing each other how you like to be touched. Do it to your partner, then your partner copies, and does it to you. Keep going for half an hour and you’ll notice the difference in desire in no time.

How can we create space for sex when the children are at home all the time?

Many couples feel self-conscious about having sex when their children are in the next room. For many, it can be a huge turn-off. However, as there are still a few weeks until the summer holidays come to an end and kids (potentially) go back to school, I recommend that parents create strategies that give them the time and space to connect intimately sooner rather than later. Strategies will differ depending on the age of the children but there are simple steps couples can take to carve out more time together.

Why not consider arranging playdates for your children at the same time? Or wake up an hour earlier than the children in the morning? Or maybe even try to squeeze a nap in during the day so that you’re more alert and awake at night when the kids go to bed? 

If you have a babysitter or family member helping out with childcare, get them to arrange a day out for your kids or a movie day so you and your partner can get some alone time. As long as you’re actively looking for opportunities to plan and create space for sex and intimacy, you’ll find a way that works for you.

Our anxiety over Covid-19 is harming our ability to enjoy intimacy together. What can we do to let go of our worries?

The past few months have been overwhelming, to say the least, with many couples experiencing the financial and mental health fallouts of living through the coronavirus pandemic. During such times of stress, some people crave intimacy, whereas others prefer to avoid it at all costs. Neither is better or worse than the other, each is just a different way to manage anxiety.

Know that it’s OK to not feel OK during this time. Millions of people around the world are worried too and it’s perfectly natural to feel anxious.

You can take easy steps to help limit your anxiety levels each day. From listening to music, playing an instrument or going for a walk and getting active outdoors, to having massages, practising mindfulness, meditation and breathing techniques and using aromatic oils like Frankincense – all of these activities will help focus your mind in the moment.

And, by remaining in the present (rather than worrying about the past or future), your anxiety levels will decrease.

The key is to determine what the focus of your mind is. Focus on being mindful of your romantic relationship, take deep breaths together, hold eye contact, soften your eyes, and connect with each one of your senses. Be aware of your body and ask your partner for an extra-long hug several times a day. We all need a good hug once in a while, especially now when distance is the new normal. Focus on taking little steps to improve and get joy from your relationship will slowly drop your anxiety level.

However, if you feel your anxiety levels are constantly high and your work, wellbeing, and relationships are beginning to be negatively affected by it, it’s advisable to reach out for professional help. Reaching out for therapy can support you to achieve the intimacy experience you desire.

Complete Article HERE!

15 porn sites for adults who fantasize about roleplaying

In need of roleplay inspo? These fantasy porn sites should do the trick.

By Beck Diaz

At some point in our sexual lives, we all stumble across fantasy porn or adult roleplay and decide that pretending to be someone else in bed sounds pretty damn hot. Coming fresh off a three-month-long quarantine, a spicy little switch-up in the bedroom might do us all some good.

It’s one thing to fantasize about being locked up with your partner for an extended amount of time with nothing to do except explore each other’s bodies and minds, but actually being locked up with them and catching them doing normal human things like picking their nose and struggle to put on a shirt is a whole other ballgame. Thankfully, we live in an era where missionary as the standard is still pretty amazing but can get old quickly if you have a lot of it. Now, we’re not gonna sit here and tell you how to have sex, cause that’s just rude. But if you’ve been feeling that familiar twinge of boredom that comes with routine and at this point, a too-close-for-comfort living situation, read on for the basic bedroom cure-all: role-playing.

What is sexual roleplay?

Sex therapy specialist Caitlyn Caracciolo defined roleplaying as “Acting out of your own fantasies or a partner’s, which tends to happen when one feels very safe and secure within a relationship. Roleplaying can be an excellent indicator of feeling emotionally and physically safe with a sexual partner.”

When it comes to sexual roleplaying with a partner or someone you trust, you can forget your preconceived notions of corny acting and cringy porn scripts. When you truly let yourself go by giving in to your sexual inhibitions, a whole new world of possibilities seem to open up in front of you. While sex often seems to be all about reaching climax, roleplaying is all about stimulation, both mentally and physically. Adult roleplaying allows you to play out the fantasy that seems to get you off every time, switch up the power dynamics in the bedroom, and even act out that steamy scenario with someone you trust that you might have been afraid or ashamed to do otherwise. These scenarios are all run-of-the-mill practices discovered and explored through sexual roleplaying!

How to roleplay in the bedroom

If you’re a roleplaying beginner and are wondering where to start, we have a few tips for you. First, take some time for yourself to figure out what it is that really turns you on. Don’t shy away from the taboo stuff, as roleplaying should be a safe space where you and your partner can explore those kinds of fantasies freely and safely!

After you’ve decided on a (or a couple of) scenes you’d like to try, discuss them in detail with your partner. As with everything else in a relationship, communication is key. So even though this might not be your typical dinner date conversation, it’s important to establish boundaries, consent, and an aftercare routine for those of you with more intense fantasies.

Obviously, we’re all human, and we all have feelings. Knowing that roleplaying should be a practice that comes without judgment doesn’t make it immune to some potential awkwardness, especially for beginners! Understanding that when it finally comes time to realize these fantasies laughing and feeling a little silly is not only OK, but it can be a big help when you’re first crossing the roleplaying threshold. If you’re super worked up about staying in character or even just trying to be overly sexy, you might miss out on the magic that organic and free roleplaying can bring. The key is to let your imagination run wild. You’re in for a night (or afternoon) to remember!

Where to find fantasy porn and adult roleplaying videos

If you need some roleplaying ideas, or just get off on fantasy porn, parody films and adult roleplaying videos, we’ve listed your best options below.

Pornhub

Let’s be real: with over 42 billion site visits in 2019, 90% of you porn viewers out there have probably reached orgasm on Pornhub at least once. You’re familiar with the layout and product offering, and you might be happy with it, but what if there was a way to get a lot more out of the experience? That’s what Pornhub Premium reaches for, and in my opinion, achieves. The best selling point right now is the site’s free trial membership (with the option to add Brazzers access for $1 per day). The homepage’s thumbnails offer sneak previews of thousands of HD, full-length videos from renowned studios like Vixen, Team Skeet, Nubile Films, Hentai.xxx, and more. On top of that, you’ll get access to Pornhub’s library of 30,000 full-length original films. Offering the widest variety of porn on the internet, its premium subscription does not disappoint.

YouPorn

What YouPorn does really well is organizing its collection of fantasy role-play porn. You’ll have no trouble sorting through the site’s categories, and you might be pleasantly surprised at the variety of unique titles. As for its content, you have the option to view clips, full-length films, live cams, and live sex in its tabs. Enjoy access to hundreds of channels like broke amateurs and bratty sis, as well as the site’s many featured and familiar performers. All videos are uploaded in HD and are available to download. In terms of free amateur facial porn sites, YouPorn has definitely mastered the subtleties of delivering a great experience during each visit.

Sci-Fi Dream Girls

We’re proud to include the only fembot site on this list: Sci-Fi Dream Girls. You might have seen this studio as an add-on channel on bigger porn sites, or even scored a clip of a clip from a popular free porn site, but rest assured, you’ve only grazed the tip of the surface of what this site offers. If you’ve never had the pleasure of viewing any of Sci-Fi Dream Girls content, or if this is your first time hearing about it, I’m sure you’re the envy of quite a few people right now. Experiencing the web’s only fembot video site is something that Sci-Fi lovers everywhere wish they could do for the first time all over again. The site boasts over 35 videos and clips of android women all catering to your specific technological sexual proclivity. What this site does well is deliver an interesting series of storylines that all tie together while spanning several hard-hitting categories like lesbian fembots, muscular fembots, real dolls, and even humans having sex with robots. While the site layout seems a little outdated and can be slightly confusing to navigate, the content is truly out of this world!

Bellesa

This one is for the porn connoisseurs who’ve been searching for roleplaying sex videos that looks…well, real! If the usual scripted sex scene just isn’t cutting it anymore, Bellesa Films is tailor-made for you. The site’s original videos and full-length films are shot by women for women and focus on female pleasure. Get ready for a lot of steamy action with a much sweeter delivery. No more obviously fake O’s or foreplay that makes you cringe. Bellesa Films brings the tension and passion with every scene, leaving you sweaty and breathless after. The site boasts top categories such as female orgasms, couples, group sex, fingering, and ass play. But for more specific videos (like fantasy roleplay sex) you’re better off searching by keyword. One visit to Bellesa, and you’ll never look back.

Adult Time

Winner of over 34 awards in 2020, including Paysite of the Year from XBIZ, Adult Time is quickly becoming one of the top mega-sites around. With over 100 channels, 50,000 episodes, five new releases per day, and a mix of original and curated content, Adult Time is almost too much porn. Spanning full-length movies to themed scenes, Adult Time offers a little bit of everything, so you’ll have no problem finding what you crave. Adult Time’s award-winning original content is augmented by scenes from Vivid, Girlsway, Burning Angel, and other top companies. It even features an incredibly diverse range of performers. Adult Time is one of the best deals in porn.

Digital Playground

At first glance, Digital Playground is a no-brainer for work fantasy porn. With thousands of scenes ranging from today to the mid-90s, Digital Playground’s library is hard to beat. If you’re into mainstream porn its mix of wild threesomes, lesbian scenes, and fantasy hookups is world-class. A new movie featuring five scenes is uploaded every month, along with a three scene web series. Few sites give you this many new and classic porn stars, from Adriana Chechik to Jesse Jane. The only downside is the incredible $20 extra per month it charges for downloads.

Burning Angel

This site is completely dedicated to alternative style and tattooed models and was founded by performer Joanna Angel. Inside, you’ll find all the tattooed goths, punks, emos, skaters, and more participating in all the roleplaying porn and sexual acts you love to see. If you’re familiar with the major porn streaming service AdultTime, then you’ll be happy to know that it acquired the Burning Angel studio, so along with your Burning Angel membership you’ll have access to all 55,000+ videos in the AdultTime library. The Burning Angel site alone, however, is home to over 2000 videos and has been the recipient of multiple awards, including the 2020 winner for best action/thriller and best comedy sex scene. It also offers over 70 categories and over 100 models and pornstars including the likes of Abella Danger, Bree Daniels, and more. If you’ve been looking for true alt porn, what better place to look then the site that ushered in the movement!

House of Taboo

House of Taboo is the king of all things kink, fetish, and roleplay sex videos. The site is a refreshing one in a surprising way. There are no options to filter via category, or model specs; however, you can filter by recently uploaded, most popular, featured videos, and trending. What I love about this feature is that it really solidifies the site’s brand. There are no separate categories or delineating filters because it is a kink/fetish site, so that’s all the content you’ll get. For those that might be a little less excited about that than I am, it warrants mentioning that there is an advanced search bar if you’re really in the mood for watching a specific kink or fetish.

Because this site is so great at its craft, and uploads happen quite frequently, it is one of the only sites to offer a lifetime membership. I would recommend taking advantage of the three day trial at 33 cents a day to determine if this is the site for you. If quality kink is your thing, and you’re tired of searching daily for the perfect videos to satisfy your hunger, House of Taboo is the place you should call home.

Kink.com

Adult roleplay porn lovers rejoice! This site will be your new go-to for all things sticky, fetish, and kink. This is the first of sites on the list to offer the option to filter by sexual orientation before you even enter the site, with the options to choose either straight, gay, or both. As you might have assumed from the name, Kink.com specializes in videos with hardcore sex, kinks, and fetishes. It hosts content from 30+ popular studios, totaling over 12,000 videos on the site. The most impressive thing about the videos, however, is that they all run at least 45 minutes long, with most running feature-length. It’s not normal to have that many videos available of that length if you think about it–it almost doubles the number of videos since you’re probably not going to watch a full-length film every time you go on the site. As well as providing an extensive library of content, Kink.com offers a cam site, VR site, and shop where you can purchase lingerie and toys ranging in value. This is truly your one-stop-shop for all things kink and fetish.

Sssh.com

Sssh.com is the longest running roleplay porn site for women and for good reason! Its films are ethically produced, sex positive, and put focus on female pleasure (not just male!). The site’s original movies have also been the recipients of several prestigious film awards, so it seems like every feature in this site is a huge draw. Although Sssh doesn’t allow non-members to browse the video selection offered, the slideshow on the homepage will give you an idea of what can be expected when you sign up for a membership. Sssh’s exclusive original movies, performers, and erotic photo galleries have garnered enough attention to make this site too juicy to overlook.

Wicked Pictures

For nearly 30 years Wicked Pictures has been one of the biggest names in fantasy roleplay sex. While still active in retail, the company’s website is an incredible resource for fans. Featuring over 5,500 scenes and 1,000 full movies, the sheer amount of content available is stunning. Beyond its incredible original hardcore scenes, Wicked is one of the few porn sites with educational content with classes in everything from fellatio to BDSM for Beginners. Wicked is an incredible deal, starting at just $19.99 for streaming.

PinkLabel.TV

PinkLabel has established itself as one of the heavy hitters in amateur roleplay porn videos. Created by the director and founder of Pink and White Productions, Shine Houston, the site hosts over 50 different indie porn studios (including Erica Lust, Pink and White Productions, and many more). PinkLabel’s communities are comprised of queer, trans, POC, seniors, and people with disabilities. The people behind the site understand porn markets go beyond the stereotypes and do their part in showcasing underrepresented groups in the adult film industry.

This ethical hosting site offers a premium membership featuring a curated collection of hundreds of titles, unlimited access to the films, and a permanent streaming library. All memberships help support PinkLabel’s own featured independent directors and studios. So if you’re looking to whet your appetite with various high-quality films showcasing diversity in porn made by and for minorities in the industry, PinkLabel is your best bet.

Crash Pad Series

From Shine Houston comes the Crash Pad Series, based on Houston’s cult classic original film The Crash Pad. This series follows the original plot with all episodes based in a San Francisco apartment that’s dedicated to hosting queer sex events. In my opinion, the best feature of this site is the content. In terms of diversity and real sex, you can’t do better than the Crash Pad series. The models are natural beauties in all shapes and sizes from all backgrounds, sexual identities, orientations, and races. To top it all off, the chemistry is so intense it almost feels like an out of body experience. There are over 300 episodes in the series and each episode contains its own behind the scenes footage. Members also have access to the library of feature-length films, including the original CrashPad movie that inspired the series.

In an unprecedented move, Crash Pad Series features a “hide” toggle, so before you go sifting through all the glorious porn, you can choose to filter and hide videos that contain scenes with ejaculation, consensual rough sex (including choking, flogging, spitting, slapping, etc.), fisting, BDSManal play (anal penetration, rimming, butt plugs, etc.), strap-ons and wearable vibrators.

Sex Art

SexArt is unique in the sense that this site has so many avenues of exploration. Not only does it host amazing full-length soft porn films, but SexArt also hosts live cam streams, chats, and a blog for people looking to up their knowledge of all things sexual. SexArt produces films that are sensual beyond belief and exclusive to this site. Expect plot-heavy films, high-quality sets, and explosive on-screen chemistry. With multiple weekly updates in an already large collection of videos, you’ll never be without new content. Signing up with only your email address will award you with daily updates and featured model bios and the ability to view three films for free! Premium memberships grant you access to live cams, the blog, and the gallery images on the site.

Sex Babes VR

Sex Babes VR’s biggest selling point is the sheer number of up and coming performers it features and its growing category of POV roleplay porn. Every time you log on it feels like you’re discovering someone new. It adds to the fantasy when it’s not someone famous. It helps make up for the generic plots of their otherwise incredibly hot scenes. In particular, Sex Babes VR shine with their immersive camera angles. Memberships come with around 300 VR scenes with a new one added every week.

Complete Article HERE!

Free BDSM porn film from Erika Lust will teach you so much about fetish and kink

As well as being realllllly hot, it tackles some of the most common miscoceptions about BDSM.

By

Indie porn director Erika Lust is best known for her ethical production processes and feminist erotic films. From VR porn allowing people to live out their sex party fantasies, to this free porn she released which was shot by the actors in lockdown (and even her free adult sex education videos), she is always challenging what mainstream (read: largely unethical) porn sites are doing.

And she’s just released a new film that we can all watch for free – this time, it’s exploring BDSM and fetish through a mini series of short films. Titled ‘Safe Word’, the series will examine common misconceptions and myths about kink and educate BDSM beginners. And as well as teaching us all some important BDSM truths, it’s super hot masturbatory material, of course.

Starring Mona Wales and Mickey Mod, ‘Safe Word’ follows Mona’s character Christie as she explores BDSM for the first time after meeting her new neighbour Mickey, a well known adult actor. After witnessing him dominating a blindfolded woman in his apartment one night, Christie enlists the help of Madama Opal to explore on her own.

The series will follow Christie as she experiences voyeurism, solo play, a fetish session and a BDSM party. Be prepared to have your preconceptions about BDSM proven wrong, and to be shown just how sexy communication, consent and respecting someone’s boundaries can be.

“BDSM still has a stigma attached to it and its explorers in our mainstream culture,” Erika explains. “People who enjoy kinks are often seen as perverse, mentally sick, or victims of past trauma. However, when referring to BDSM we are mainly talking about a healthy, sexy culture of communication and awareness in sex.

“Whether you’re into it or not, I believe it can be a powerful learning tool for everyone on how to discuss boundaries beforehand as well as to stay in tune with each other during any other type of sexual relationship.”

Once you’ve devoured episode one, you’ll be able to watch the remaining episodes at LustCinema as they’re released every Friday until July 10.

Complete Article HERE!

5 Expert-Approved Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life

By Hannah Coates

Has your sex life taken something of a nosedive in recent months? It’s likely, at this point in lockdown, that the answer is yes, since the majority of us fall into one of two camps: those who have been unable to see (or meet new) sexual partners; and those who have now been inseparable from the apple of their eye for a little bit too long. Throw in the stress and anxiety caused by current events, and it’s no wonder our libidos are feeling the effect. Research has shown that not only are we having sex less in lockdown, the quality of the sex we are having is lower.

So as lockdown restrictions start to ease, what can we do to spice up our sex lives? Here, Mia Sabat, sex therapist at Emjoy, offers her expert advice.

Try listening to audio erotica

Tapping into our senses is an excellent way to address a flagging sex drive, and Sabat recommends audio erotica to help revive the libido, stimulate the mind and reconnect with your own – and your partner’s – sexuality. “One of its primary functions is to appeal to the body’s most important, and often neglected, sex organ: the brain,” she says. “Research has actually shown that listening to erotica can be one of the most successful practices women can utilise to achieve sexual satisfaction.”

Unlike pornography, which tends to cater to a male audience and focuses on the visual side of sex, audio erotica delivers the script via sound, encouraging our imaginations to go wild. “It’s great for couples because, when listening, each individual can engage with their own fantasies, preferences and turn-ons, while still connecting over the same storyline or narrative, as they act out the story that is being told.” Sabat says. Emjoy is but one of an array of audio erotica apps that offers guided sessions to get you started.

Consider the kind of pornography you watch

Since many forms of pornography are created with a male viewer in mind, it’s a good idea to look for erotica that is being made by women, for women, and that appeals to both sexes. “The story you watch is so important when choosing any form of erotica,” says Sabat. “And because of this I recommend women engage with porn that is going to engage their mind first and foremost, so that their pleasure, preferences and fantasies are able to come to life. By engaging with less conventional and more creative forms of pornography, individuals are better able to cultivate their sexual energy, because it allows people to connect their brains to their sexual desires more tangibly.”

Experiment with touch

Consider incorporating touching “rules” to up the ante on your intimate time together. “You may want to lie together, listening to an audio story, with a no-hands policy in place,” suggests Sabat. “Equally, you might be curious about experimenting with mutual masturbation. My best advice is to let the story build heat and tension between you and your partner and to enjoy that feeling – the mind is so powerful!”

Schedule sex

It may sound a bit, well, unsexy, but making plans for intimacy can actually ensure you look forward to and enjoy precious time together: “Not only will you both feel mounting excitement by looking forward to it throughout the day, but you’ll both feel less on edge, knowing what to expect. Use this dedicated day or hour as a special time for intimacy, exploration and play, and engage with one another’s pleasures,” says Sabat.

Masturbate and explore yourself

“It’s important to remember every sexual experience begins within ourselves, and masturbation embodies this journey. Beyond stimulating our sex drive, self-pleasure allows us to connect with our minds and bodies within a context we often aren’t able to explore,” says Sabat. “It can help us really focus on what we enjoy, without worrying about anyone else, and this can be excellent for both our own wellbeing and our sex life as a whole.” Getting to know our bodies allows us to understand what makes us tick, what doesn’t, and importantly makes us better able to communicate what we want and need, with confidence.

Complete Article HERE!

A guide to getting off to your own sexual fantasies and imagination

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By Jess Joho

They say the mind is the biggest, most powerful sex organ in the body. But, uh, don’t try visualizing that mental image too vividly or literally, unless you’re into that sorta thing?

Instead, imagine your favorite fictional crush pressing you up against a wall, or think back to the hottest sex you ever had in your life. Now stop imagining, because this magical place where all your desires are possible and acceptable exists. And literally anyone can tap into it.

While sexual fantasies are by definition not “real,” their effects on your sex life (especially when explored during masturbation) are — shall we say — palpably physical.

“Engaging your imagination rather than relying on visual porn for example helps to build, enhance and strengthen your erotic mind,” said Dr. Britney Blair, co-founder and Chief Science Officer of the sexual wellness Lover app. “You can bring that imagination to life when you want to prime the pump on your desire or push yourself over the edge to climax while solo or with a partner.”

“It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on.”

To be clear, there’s nothing wrong with porn or other forms of erotica. But there’s something especially powerful in orgasming to smut that couldn’t be more personally tailored to what you like.

“In our minds we’re not confined to our studio apartments or our current sexual partners. There are no rules or judgments. Not even the laws of physics apply,” said Gina Gutierrez, co-founder of the popular audio erotica app Dipsea. “It’s incredibly liberating, recognizing our own power to design the scenes and situations that turn us on and to scrap the ones that don’t work for us.”

Don’t take our word for it, though. There’s science to show exactly how real the effects of a healthy erotic imagination are.

In a landmark 2016 study, Dr. Nan Wise — neuroscientist, sex therapist, and author of Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life mapped the brain’s response when subjects merely imagined pleasurable stimulation on their genitals. Just by thinking about it, the pleasure centers in their brains “lit up like a Christmas tree,” Wise said.

“The mind is really the recipient of all the body’s sensations. So there’s this empirical evidence of a huge connection between the mind and pleasure,” she said.

While everyone can benefit from using their imagination as a sexual aid, it’s an especially potent practice for women and others who society has conditioned to feel ashamed about their sexuality.

“We have to do more work to lay down the connections, the neural pathways, between the genitals and the brain’s sensory reward regions,” said Wise. “Using your imagination to masturbate not only gives us the information about what stimulation we need, but also actually strengthens the connections between our genitals and the brain.”

Beyond that, getting off to our own sexual fantasies tackles another negative effect that patriarchy can have on women’s sexuality.

“We’re socialized to think of ourselves as the objects of other people’s desires, like we need to borrow someone else’s idea of pleasure” said Wise. That’s why learning how to be the subject of our own desires, to embody the pleasure we conjure up in our own mind, can be so empowering.

Everyone with a brain, genitals, and desire is already equipped to masturbate to their own sexual fantasies. And while the practice does come more naturally to some, it only takes little guidance and patience to unlock the endless possibilities tucked inside your erotic mind.

Set the right environment

A major key in setting your mind up for erotic success is to ensure your environment allows your brain to feel fully relaxed, safe, and free from distraction.

Pick a time and place where you’ll have full privacy without needing to worry about any interruption, whether from roommates or notifications. For most people, that place will naturally be the bedroom. But put some effort into also making it a true fortress of sensual solitude, like by locking the door, setting your phone to airplane mode, putting on an eye mask, or maybe even using some essential oils and putting on your favorite sexy playlist.

Blair even recommends purposefully scheduling these more exploratory kind of session and making them habitual. So maybe it can be something you add to your nightly ritual before bed: Brush your teeth, do the skincare routine, put on some pajamas, then let your mind wander as you touch yourself.

Create a safe space in your mind

Of course, priming yourself with the right mindset is vital to unlocking your brain’s full fantasy potential. 

One of the biggest hurdles to exploring our erotic imaginations is actually the engrained social shame many of us have picked up (even subconsciously) through sexism, homophobia, social stigmas, religion, etc.

“It’s important to know if that is coming up for you, you’re not alone. But there is no such thing as a wrong or right fantasy.” said Blair.

Treat your imagination as a judgement-free zone. To be fair, clearing or redirecting your mind away from feelings of shame is easier said than done. But certain exercises can help (which we’ll get into more in the mind-body connection section below).

Blair suggests that, while exploring sexual fantasies in your mind, try to distinguish between when you’re having a reaction versus a judgment to a certain scenario. Judgments often come from values imposed on you by something or someone else, while visceral reactions can be an indication that your mind wants to explore it further — especially if it’s something your never thought you’d be into.

It’s easy to get scared off by an intense response to a fantasy, and write that off as being too weird or outside the norm for your taste. But if you give yourself a second to assess where that response is coming from, you might actually find that the intensity comes from a part of you that you’ve never tried tapping into before. 

“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime.”

Or maybe not, and that’s fine too. The point is, if you feel safe doing it, just try leaning into parts of your erotic mind that feel challenging and see where it goes.

“Everything is okay in the world of fantasy. No fantasy is a crime,” said Blair. “Whatever turns you on in your mind is totally healthy. Your fantasy doesn’t say anything about you except that you are lucky to have a rich imagination that you can use to have an exciting and enduring erotic life.”  

That’s another major benefit of sexual fantasies versus traditional porn, too. You don’t have to worry about any ethical concerns, because your imagination can’t hurt you or anyone else. You’re in total control.

“You imagination is a completely safe space,” said Dipsea’s Gutierrez. “We can play out fantasies that are risky or illicit that we would never actually want to happen in real life. In our minds we’re free to experiment without consequences.”

Familiarize yourself with (but don’t feel limited by) common sexual fantasies

While the whole point is to tap into the unique potential of your own mind, a good jumping off point is to explore whether the most common sexual fantasies spark your interest. Researchers have labeled them into different categories, though there’s a world of possibilities within those labels as well.

Dr. Blair described these categories as multi-partner sex like group sex or threesomes; power, control, or rough sex; novelty, adventure, and variety; taboo and forbidden sex; partner sharing and non-monogamous relationships; passion and romance; and erotic flexibility like homoeroticism or gender-bending.

Jess O’Reilly is a sex educator, author of The New Sex Bible, and Astroglide’s resident sexologist. She explained that through each of these fantasy categories you can help identify the specific core erotic feelings that get you into a heightened state of arousal.

“Oftentimes, they relate to fantasy, escapism or subverting otherwise ‘negative’ emotions. You might find that sex is really hot when you feel powerful, submissive, challenged, mindful, or playful,” she said. “You may also find yourself aroused by feelings that you don’t naturally associate with pleasure, like jealousy, inadequacy, fear, and even humiliation can be exciting.”

What our brains often gravitate to most is pure novelty. What gets you off in a fantasy can actually be the total opposite of your real-life sexual orientation or even completely removed from you, as an abstract scenario happening to someone else entirely. 

So don’t be weirded out if you learn that you’re as horny for that fish-god monster from The Shape of Water as the Academy Awards were in 2018. Or maybe you’re one of the many women who enjoys a rape fantasy — which, as Dr. Wise points out, in a fantasy context is the opposite of a real-life rape since, “you’re choosing to have the fantasy and who’s overpowering you. You’re in complete control.” 

One other general rule of thumb Wise found is that while men tend toward more visually-oriented fantasies centered around preferred body parts, women tend to focus on overall scenarios. However, it’s impossible to distill the endless possibilities of human sexuality into neat categories. Which is why you also shouldn’t get discouraged or ashamed if none of these common fantasies do it for you.

“Our capacity for imagination is limitless,” said Wise. Don’t feel pressure to confine yours to a specific label.

Start building your erotic imagination through fiction, porn, memories… anything!

The truth is that, while other obstacles might make it hard initially to give yourself permission to explore sexual fantasies, using your imagination is a very natural and innate part of being human. Who doesn’t fantasizing about getting up from their desk in the middle of a hard work day and quitting, or spend time daydreaming about how they’d furnish their dream apartment?

“We make Pinterest boards and save Instagram photos, collect and catalog all these things that we like. I recommend starting to do that for your sex life,” said Gutierrez.Become more mindful observing what attracts you to someone. The moments where you feel sexiest. What you want to say out loud during sex but hesitate to. Then the next time you want to use your fantasy for pleasure, you know exactly where to draw from.”

Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.

Everything in your life can become part of your horny mood board.

We all have that one fictional character or public figure — whether from books, tv, movies, video games, or even politics and the internet — that just does it for us. Begin there, expanding into a specific sexy scene that got you going or whatever comes to mind when you think of that person. Heck, maybe you’re like me and realize that a silky, authoritative voice is actually your kink, leading a bunch of non-erotic popular podcasts to become your go-to spank bank material.

Audio erotica can be a great place to start if you don’t want to take the training wheels off yet to explore sexual fantasies of your own making. Unlike visual porn, audio erotica still exercises the muscles of your erotic imagination, asking you to fill in the details and paint the full picture. While we always recommend Dipsea, there’s also plenty of free ways to try audio erotica like r/gonewildaudio and Girl on the Net.

Once you’re ready to bring yourself more to the forefront of the fantasy, begin with a memory of the hottest, most visceral sex you’ve ever had. Really ground yourself back in that moment by recalling your senses: What position were you in? What did the person’s lust feel like? Were you sweating? How exactly did they touch you?

Touch yourself while pulling from all the erotic mental material you’ve curated, and don’t be afraid to really get your whole body involved in mimicking the sensations you’re creating through your mind. Maybe that means masturbating while you’re on all fours, or matching the tempo of the fantasy, or even dry-humping a pillow. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to orgasm throughout any of this, though, and instead just zero in on embodying the experience of your imagination.

“It’s about giving yourself full permission to explore all our internal pleasure places, and how we experience them in both our minds and bodies at the same time,” said Wise.

Try these exercises to strengthen your mind-body connection

Through her research and other studies in the field, Wise has ultimately found that, “This distinction we make between the mind and body is really a very arbitrary one.”

One of the best ways to embrace this in a way that engages your erotic fantasy life in is through something called mindful sex. 

This increasingly popular branch of sex therapy describes a bunch of different practices and exercises that add a layer of sexuality to mindfulness, to help you stay present in your body while experiencing pleasure, train your mind to focus on whatever arouses you, and engage in a non-judgmental curious sexual mindset. Try out basic exercises like pleasure mapping (which Dipsea has a guide for), mindful masturbation (which you can read about here), and sensate focus (which you can read about here).

Wise also suggests a very simple exercise for getting your imagination more connected with your genitals on a neurological level: Just start by tapping or pleasurably touching your genitals, then stop, then think back on the sensations you felt while touching them. Try to recall and summon them back in your body: What did it feel like in your body when the stimulation was building, then dissipating?

At first, it might not feel like much at all and the pleasure may be pretty mild compared to what you’re used to while using more immediate erotic visual aids like porn.

“But you’ll slowly start to develop a better connection to that pleasure sensation channel in your brain,” she said.

Use your imagination during partnered sex

While sexual fantasies are a great way to enhance self-love, learning how to engage with them during partnered sex can also do wonders to get people over the edge and into orgasm. 

At this point though, you might be wondering: Is it even OK to fantasize about other situations — or maybe even other people — while having sex with a partner?

“It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”

“Yes, it’s an unequivocal yes! Because thinking about stuff is not the same as doing it,” said Wise. As the famous saying goes, “It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you’d come home to eat.”

It’s totally normal for your mind to desire novelty, especially if you’re not in a new relationship anymore. In fact, Wise found that one of the best ways to ensure a couples’ longevity is precisely this kind of openness and understanding that people need to fuel their erotic imagination with new stuff.

“If we can get over these kind of hang ups, get past this fear of our partners having a fantasy about somebody else while they’re with us, and instead use it as an opportunity talk about: What would you like? What haven’t we tried? What are you afraid to tell me? Because that’s hot. That’s really hot,” said Wise.

Or maybe instead of thinking about someone else, you’d simply rather use your imagination during partnered sex to transport you both to a setting or scenario that heightens your arousal even more.

In the end, what you do with your erotic imagination is up to you. You can share it if you’d like — or keep it all to yourself. That’s what’s so great about sexual fantasies you cut from your own cloth: They’re all yours, and no one else’s.

Complete Article HERE!