Category: Spicing Up Your Sex Life

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Everything you need to know about subspace and subdrop in BDSM

Subspace can feel trance-like and floaty

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Kinky sex is becoming more mainstream by the year, with BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism – is one of the more popular options. 

Generally, BDSM involves two major roles: the dominant and the submissive, the latter of which is the topic of conversation in this week’s episode of Smut Drop.

As the names imply, being dominant means being the one deemed to be in control, while the submissive, well, submits to that control.

Acting out any BDSM scene can be extremely emotional for either party, but particularly submissives, who experience what is known as ‘subspace’ and ‘subdrop’.

Sophia Mindus, a London-based educator, facilitator and artist interested in kink and sexuality, explains everything you need to know about the two states.

Subspace and subdrop are essentially emotional states triggered by a release of hormones into the body.

‘[During BDS], we are playing with roles, identities, and types of physical activities which are often very different from our day-to-day experiences,’ Sophia tells Metro.co.uk, adding that this can affect us on a physical, emotional and neurochemical level.

As Sophia explains, during different types of play the body can release a whole host of different hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, cortisol. This can lead to people feeling ‘high’ and in an almost ‘trance-like state’ both during and after intercourse.

While ‘topspace’ also exists for dominants, subspace is characterised as being ‘floaty’ and hazy.

Are there any dangers associated with subspace?

Subspace essentially puts the mind and body in altered states, just like if someone takes a drug or drinks too much alcohol, and can sometimes blur the lines of consent, especially in terms of something like BDSM, when pain thresholds might temporarily increase. That’s why it’s vital for dominants to be aware of subspace and responsible for its effects.

‘When people are in altered states it can be harder to make decisions, have awareness of bodily limits and boundaries, and ask for what they need,’ says Sophia.

‘This is not the same for everyone, but this is why in these situations, it is even more paramount that the top takes responsibility for respecting the limits and physical capacity of the person receiving.’

This goes for both physical activities, such as spanking, as well as other boundaries.

‘It is important that the top remembers limits clearly and does not add anything extra or change the type of play into something which hasn’t been prior agreed once someone is in subspace,’ says Sophia. 

‘BDSM relies on all parties to be taking part in these practices with awareness and approaching each other with humanity and ethics.

‘If one person is willing to bypass another person’s boundaries or limits because they are in subspace and unable to communicate clearly, this is a violation of consent.’

If someone is experiencing subspace, the safest decision a top can make is to bring the scene to an end.

How to prepare for subspace

Negotiate communication check-ins

Sophie says that communication check-ins are vital and should be negotiated before play has begun.

‘Some people may experience their subspace as finding it harder to communicate verbally, so perhaps a signal or non-verbal check in such as a hand squeeze or a head movement could be used to communicate,’ she says.

Start slow

‘If it is the first time playing with someone, or someone is experiencing subspace for the first time, this is something they may not recognise or realise is an issue.

‘I always believe in BDSM you can do more but rarely can do less – so going slowly and airing on the side of caution is important.’

What is subdrop?

As many of us know, what goes up must come down, and the high experienced during subspace often gives way to subdrop.

‘A huge surge in hormones can also lead to a sudden drop or depletion of dopamine and oxytocin, the hormones which make us feel happy, connected, warm and euphoric,’ Sophia tells us.

‘This can often happen the day after or some hours after play has occurred.

‘The feeling can vary from irritability and low mood, to feelings of being a bit lost and lonely, to sadness and sensitivity.’

While everyone will feel and deal with subdrop differently, it’s important to note that it is normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you experience it.

‘Whilst we are experiencing a shift in hormones, there is also the reality that BDSM play is a very intimate and vulnerable experience – and the return to reality after these intense experiences can feel sensitive,’ Sophia adds.

‘When we experience such closeness and altered realities with another person, going back to our day to day life can feel a little strange.

‘This can also be difficult if people do not live with their play partners, the sense of loss and separation can be difficult to deal with and something to be considered and worked through to support one another.’

How to deal with subdrop

Subdrop highlights the need for aftercare following a BDSM scene.

‘Aftercare describes not only the immediate care that you need after a type of play, but also the care that you need in the days after a type of play as subdrop can take a while to be felt,’ says Sophia.

Find what works for you

It may take time and experience to understand what kind of aftercare you need.

‘For some people aftercare looks like alone time to process their feelings and thoughts,’ Sophia says, whether that be a self care evening with a bubble bath or time in nature.

‘For others it might look like making sure they have nice plans in place in the days after a play event or play date so they don’t feel so alone,’ she adds.

Reach out to partners

‘The most important thing is reaching out to your partner or friends if you are experiencing a drop.

‘It can feel overwhelming and bizarre the first time, and just knowing that you are not alone and you are not overreacting is important.’

Importantly, BDSM often involves two or more people, so it’s vital to reach out to and support your partners following a scene.

How to help someone through subdrop

Keep checking in

Given that subdrop doesn’t always happen instantly, it’s important to keep checking on your partner to see how they feel.

‘Taking time to check in either via call, text, or an in person meet up to see how your partner is doing, what they might be needing, and also maybe taking time to share what you enjoyed most about the play with them, [is vital],’ says Sophia.

‘Some people may need some reassurance, validation, and extra attention and care after BDSM play.

‘It is a vulnerable, intimate and intense experience to go through with another, and aftercare which encompasses the value of our partners can really support a connective and caring relationship.’

Be open

‘It can take time to recognise what you need to support yourself or another person through drop, so if this is new to you, being really open and offering different suggestions can be a supportive and curious way to explore how best to take care of one another,’ says Sophia.

This is especially important if the dominant is also experiencing a drop.

‘If both people need different things, you need to work out how to compromise and make it work so all needs are met,’ she adds.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Gateway To S&M

— 6 Kinks You Should Begin the Experience With!

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Sigmund Freud’s theorised that “certain aspects of your personality are more primal and this pushes you to act on your basic urges. Meanwhile, other parts of your personality work to counteract these urges and strive to make you conform to the demands of reality.” This is why various ‘kinksters’ tend to stay hidden or quiet throughout their lives while some pick being unique and come forth to actually mingle with society, They try to avoid giving into their kinks and experimenting with BDSM.

understanding-bdsm-relationships-a-peek-behind-the-curtain-of-taboo

Thankfully BDSM has now become more acceptable, common and mainstream. This is mainly because various works of fiction in both cinema and literature have started using the same theme. This has motivated people to finally let this inner kinkster fly and hence, they have decided to give S&M a try. So, if you’re looking to experiment with BDSM, here’s an official list of the kinks that you should commence your experiment with. These kinks might make your journey, way more fun instead of overwhelming.

1. Bondage

Bondage is the act of physically restraining your partner. A wide variety of implements can be used to achieve this from ropes to handcuffs. Bonding your partner can be a full way to try power exchange and experiment with roles.

2. Sadism And Masochism

Sado-masochism are two sides of the same coin- erotic pain. Depending on which you prefer, you can either be the pain receiver i.e. masochist or pain giver i.e. sadist. From something as simple as scratching your partner or receiving a strong tug of hair, sadism and masochism can fall into a perfect yin-yang partnership.

3. Impact Play

Impact play is majorly an extension of sadomasochism. This is especially for people who might enjoy the use of instruments or “toys” to indulge in this kind of kink. Depending on curiosity and comfort, partners can choose from a variety of impact toys. Spanking, flogging, caning etc. fall under this category.

4. Sensation Play

The five senses can also add to your sexual experience. Sensation play can range from something as gentle as blindfolds to using earbuds to drown out the surrounding noise. Tuning out one or more of your senses can actually make the other senses more active, making this process all the more fun and of course, beyond just interesting.

5. Exhibitionism

The practice of certain aspects of your kink life can fall under exhibitionism. It encompasses nudity, kink broadcasting and so on. For an exhibitionist, the act of being watched by someone is a huge turn-on. Try this out slowly with perhaps simple tasks in public and then, maybe consider other legal forms of sexual display in a more public space.

6. Orgasm Control

Orgasm control can be a very fun way of experimenting with pushing your or your partner’s boundaries. It is an act of controlling the sexual release and it can be very intense. Depending on your limits, it can be as simple as denying orgasms, asking for permission before having an orgasm and the most fun one- forced orgasms. This is a risky and interesting game!

Remember, Kink and BDSM are not restricted to people who like pain or are into dominance. Kink is just as important for someone looking to make things interesting in the bedroom as it can be for people who want to explore their masochistic limits. This is just a beginner’s list for your journey of kink exploration. There are a lot more kinks and fetishes out there, waiting for you to explore them. Just research away.

The sky is your limit when it comes to exploring the kink world but, just remember to be safe, practice consent, converse with your partner and of course, have fun with the play!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Divvying Up The Chores Can Lead To Better Sex

BY Pema Bakshi

Keeping the spice alive in long-term relationships is something we’ll never stop trying to wrap our heads around. But according to new research, it’s less about mixing things up, and more about establishing equitable relations outside the boudoir, particularly when it comes to stimulating desire in women.

Female desire is multidimensional. And, as previous work by Eugenia Cherkasskaya and Margaret Rosario lays out, it consists of two main factors: solitary sexual desire, an internally driven desire to achieve specific sexual needs for gratification and address sexual frustration, and dyadic sexual desire, defined as a desire reflecting a want for emotional closeness or intimacy with another person.

To explore the role that relationship that equity plays in female desire, the Centre for Mental Health at Swinburne University of Technology set out to understand the link between the two. In a study of almost 300 women, all aged between 18 to 39 and all in relationships, researchers had participants complete measures of solitary and dyadic facets of sexual desire, reporting on perceptions of relationship equity and their overall relationship satisfaction.

Looking at the data, the team found that those that reported equal relationships, were more likely to experience higher levels of both solitary and dyadic sexual desire, and they were more satisfied in their relationships. As expected, equality in relationships predicted relationship satisfaction, which related to higher levels of dyadic sexual desire — suggesting that female sexual desire is not only biological and cognitive, but also responsive to relational contexts. Basically, as much as Hollywood says otherwise, it’s not just the forbidden connections that get our engines going, but the ones built on mutual respect and support.

According to Dr. Simone Buzwell, an academic at the university, these results are telling. “While a lack of desire is not an issue for all women, a lack of sexual desire does cause significant distress for many women and their intimate partners,” she says. But if these results tell us anything, it’s that the stress may be mis-channelled.

As Buzwell notes, this is ultimately a positive finding: that desire is something that can be worked on, as opposed to the erroneous ideas sold to us by rom-coms. “Low female sexual desire is likely to be a problem that both people in the relationship can solve together,” she says, adding that it really does take two to tango. “It is not the ‘fault’ of one individual and it would be useful to consider factors beyond the sexual realm that may be contributing.”

So the next time you’re splitting hairs over your sex life — or lack thereof — keep in mind that there are many factors that contribute to desire. And remember, for the most part, fairer sex is better sex!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide To BDSM, With Tips From A Sex Therapist

Who, btw, says it’s the safest kind of sex you can have.

By Aryelle Siclait and Korin Miller

Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it’s important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.

At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.

“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it’s nice to be let off the hook,” Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you’re the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.

“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”

If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don’t make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you’ll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else’s methods won’t necessarily get you going.

Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”

Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.

1. Educate yourself.

Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you’ve seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad…extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.

But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here’s a quick primer, from Richmond:

  • Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.
  • Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts—or through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
  • Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult.

P.S. Your experience doesn’t have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you’re naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don’t particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).

2. Start with a fantasy.

Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.

3. Talk it out.

Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since “eye contact is how we communicate empathy.”

Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It’s extremely important that you’re as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don’t want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.

From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you’re both comfortable throughout the process.

4. Consider making it a group affair.

If you realize that you’re willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.

If they’re not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can’t get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it’s common for couples to agree that “when there’s one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon.” Again, not as scary as it sounds!

5. Write it down.

Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn’t a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you’re dating or married.

This way you’ll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner’s boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what’s to come (emphasis on come).

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6. Pick a setting.

Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it’s a place you feel safe, you’re good to go.

7. Come up with a safe word.

Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn’t anticipate, decide on a word you’ll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn’t normally say in the bedroom, such as “milkshake” or “turtleneck.”

Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it’s mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it’s clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they’re okay, stay by their side until they’ve expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they’ll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.

8. Check for emotional safety, too.

That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”

9. Go shopping.

BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators, paddles, anal beads, and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.

“This is all about pleasure,” says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.

10. Dress up.

The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you’re the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your “owner” during the session.

Have fun with it! You don’t need to go all-out Halloween-style, but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.

11. Go slowly.

“You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point,” says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.

Whether you’re just getting into BDSM or you’re a seasoned pro, the practice will always be “an experiential process where the more you do, the more you’ll know,” says Richmond. She assures she’s “very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon,” but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don’t cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.

12. Space out your experiences.

It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”

She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”

13. Save time for “aftercare.”

“The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves,” says Richmond. This conversation, typically called “aftercare,” is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.

The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that’s a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is bondage sex?

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By now, it’s likely you have heard the term ‘bondage sex.’

Maybe it was in general conversation, on the radio, in an article or quite possibly in an episode of Love Island.

However, you may be unfamiliar with what bondage sex entails. There are are many questions that surround the act and, very often, people can be wary and hesitant about even broaching the topic.

So how do you engage in it and what exactly do you do?

Well, bondage sex refers to a form of sex play that involves consensually tying or restraining a partner in a sex position to give or receive sexual pleasure.

It represents the ‘B’ in BDSM which comprises three separate yet combinable elements: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.

Sometimes, it is referred to as a sexual ‘kink’ as many believe it to be an activity outside of social norms.

However, as seen by the popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise which portrays sadomasochistic relationships, it is a desired practice.

Different forms

According to sex expert Ness Cooper, it comes in many different forms.

‘Bondage sex is where one individual has control over their partner, often in the form of tying them up or restraining them,’ she explains.

‘There are some individuals who enjoy restraining their partner in consensual psychological ways, but for many it is a physical erotic act involving methods of restraint such as rope, cuffs, or even pallet/shrink wrap.

‘One example of bondage includes shibari, which is a form where a partner is restrained with rope. It’s not always erotic as some consider it as an art form due to how complicated rope work can be.

‘When performing rope bondage in an erotic setting some enjoy the ritualistic feeling it offers to their play as they carefully twine rope around the body.’

She continues: ‘Another form is using cuffs. This is a fun way to explore bondage and allows for a quick way of restraining a partner. Some also like to add in role play to their cuff session and play out certain roles to add extra excitement, like pretending to be a police officer.

‘Meanwhile, mummification is an erotic form of play where an individual is tightly confined in shrink wrap. The individual being wrapped likes the idea that they can’t escape and that that they are helpless when presented to the other individual involved.’

Sensations

Ness notes that individuals enjoy both the physical and psychological side of bondage, with many choosing it for the added sensations it can create.

‘Some individuals who are neurodivergent particularly enjoy bondage due to the sensory stimulation it can provide,’ she adds.

Understandably, bondage comes with some preconceived notions as it can be difficult to understand at first. Yet, Ness says it’s time for the stigma to go.

‘Bondage can be stigmatised by society as it’s not seen as “vanilla,”‘ she explains. ‘But there are many reasons why a person may want to explore bondage, and as long as it’s consensual, it’s perfectly normal.

‘We can often judge those who enjoy sexual acts that go against our social norm.’

If you wish to try bondage but don’t know how to broach it with a partner, Ness has some valuable advice.

How to try it

Communicate with a partner

‘There are many sex board games that offer you the opportunity to talk about and explore different forms of bondage,’ she advises.

‘These can be a great way to try things out with a partner when you’re struggling to find the words to ask them to explore it.

‘Shop online together looking at sex toys and talk about the reasons why something appeals to you. This gives you both a chance to reveal intimate curiosities.

‘Discuss what porn you’ve watched, and if you feel comfortable, even ask them to watch a piece of bondage porn with you. Afterwards make sure you talk about it together and allow your partner time to reflect on their feelings about it.’

Set boundaries

Finally, if you and your partner do make the decision to try bondage sex, Ness says talking about personal thresholds is crucial.

‘When exploring bondage, it’s important to make sure you and your partner discuss boundaries and give each other an idea on how far you’d be like to take things,’ she says.

‘Adding in safe words is a brilliant way to let each other know when either of you have reached your limit.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Watch Porn With Your Partner

If both of you are interested in it, viewing porn together can bring a new level of fun and intimacy to your relationship. Here’s how to bring it up — and a few best practices to keep in mind.

by Kelly Gonsalves

Pornography is often exclusively relegated to people’s solo sex lives — that is, they only ever watch it when they’re alone. But in addition to being a very helpful masturbation aid, viewing porn can be a fun erotic activity to share with a partner. The question is, how should you bring up watching porn with your wife or husband?

Now, first thing first: There’s a lot of research out there about the impacts of porn, and the results are fairly mixed — some find negative effects on people’s relationships, some find positive ones, and some find none at all. When it comes to watching specifically with a partner, however, a lot of research has found good news: One study published last year in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, for example, found couples who watched porn together actually report happier relationships and higher sexual satisfaction than couples who don’t.

I’ve picked the brains of various sex therapists about porn use over the years, and while it can be a controversial topic for some couples, it can also be a surefire erotic boost for others. Jessa Zimmerman, a licensed couples counselor and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Seattle, notes that lots of couples enjoy consuming adult content together, and it can be a healthy part of a couple’s sex life if both partners feel good about the activity. Some sex therapists even recommend viewing sexual media as one of many ways to help couples reinvigorate intimacy.

“Porn, like any other erotic media, can be fun and interesting for many people. What we choose to watch or consume reflects what we find erotic and arousing,” Zimmerman tells Fatherly. “And imagery in our minds — whether from viewing a video, imagining the scene we are reading in a story, or our own fantasy — engages our brain as if we are in the scene, as one of the actors or as an observer.”

Sharing this experience as a couple can help partners become much more intimate with what turns each other on, Zimmerman notes, not to mention serve as powerful fuel for arousal to kick off a sexual experience together.

How to Talk About Porn With Your Partner

If you’ve never talked to your partner about watching porn together before, Zimmerman suggests bringing it up when you have time to discuss it. Suggest it as an idea that might be fun to explore together, and ask them what they think.

You might also consider trying to bring up the concept of porn into the conversation first and then segue into the idea of watching together. Or you can bring it up during a conversation specifically about trying new things in bed.

When you do have the discussion, pay attention to the energy in the room and your partner’s mood and body language — make sure this is something that’s interesting and exciting for you both before you proceed with actually trying it.

As you probably know, porn can sometimes be a divisive subject. Some people feel very uncomfortable with the concept of it or the idea of their partner watching it, so it’s important to check the temperatures before you suddenly suggest the idea of viewing it together.

That said, conversations about pornography, while potentially uncomfortable, are important for couples to have, especially if you suspect your partner might have a problem with it. Much of the research that’s found watching porn can have a detrimental impact on relationships is in fact not about the impacts of the media itself but rather the impacts of the lying, secrecy, and feelings of betrayal that can stem from discovering a partner’s porn habits years into a relationship.

“It’s important to understand someone’s objections to porn,” Zimmerman adds. “If they are concerned that it involves other people at all — like, ‘you should only imagine me’— that might be a bigger conversation.”

If you’re struggling to move through these big conversations, a few sessions with a sex therapist can be helpful.

Watching Porn Together: Best Practices

If you do decide to try watching a few clips as a couple, here are a few best practices to keep in mind to keep.

1. Figure out where your interests overlap

“You want to make sure that whatever content you choose is appealing to both people,” says Zimmerman. “Often, we find different things erotic than our partner does. So what you may enjoy on your own may not turn your partner on (and may even turn them off). That’s why it’s best to talk first about the idea of watching something together and what type of content you’d like to view.”

She suggests swapping links to the kind of material you each enjoy to see where there’s mutual interest. “I certainly advise doing this with an open mind and no judgment. The goal is to understand what is erotic to your partner, and for them to learn the same about you. Then you can look for the places where there is overlap between what you each find arousing.”

2. Make it a bonding activity

Watching porn together should be a way for the two of you to connect as a couple over shared erotic stimuli and learning each other’s fantasies. Talk about the scenes as you’re viewing them, identify what’s hot and interesting to you, and feel free to touch each other if you get inspired. Importantly, most people don’t find it fun to feel like your partner is absorbed by an actress on the screen and just using your body as a stand-in. Keep your focus on sexually connecting with your partner and pleasuring each other. The porn is just there for arousal and inspo.

3. Remember the fantasy principle

It’s important to remember that porn is just a fantasy, and it’s often not representative of how sex works in real life between real people — or even what people would want to actually do in their real lives.

“We can find things appealing in fantasy but have no interest in actually doing them,” Zimmerman notes. “Be aware that your partner may find your interest in porn or erotica as a symbol of what you must want in a partner or want in real life, and they could find that scary or worry that they don’t look like the people in the films. You may need to find ways to describe why something is arousing to you and why that doesn’t impact your enjoyment of your partner and of your sex life.”

4. Consider other formats

Some people find it easier or more fun to opt for other types of erotic media, such as written erotic stories or audio erotica. These non-visual formats allow couples to explore sexy themes and fantasies without having to look at specific other people’s bodies.

5. Keep checking in

Watching porn can be a lot of fun. It can also stir up some complex emotions and worries, especially when doing it with a partner and suddenly seeing in vivid detail what gets them off. If you do decide to explore this as a couple, make sure to keep checking in with each other before, during, and after to make sure you’re both continuing to feel good about it. Remember to stay connected to each other throughout the experience, and keep each other feeling sexy and satiated.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is spanking therapy

— And how can it help?

by Beth Sissons

Spanking therapy uses spanking as a form of release. People may choose to take part in spanking therapy to release stress and responsibility, explore power roles, or work through negative emotions or trauma. However, there is limited scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.

People may speak with a practitioner for spanking therapy or learn how to do it safely with a partner.

This article looks at what spanking therapy is, what it involves, and why individuals may do it.

Spanking therapy has no exact definition, but people may class it as any form of consensual spanking under BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (SM).

Individuals may also class it as any consensual BDSM spanking to release certain emotions or work through issues, such as trauma.

People may use it for relaxation or the release of power, responsibility, negative emotions, or trauma.

Spanking therapy may be an option for anyone of an appropriate age to take part in consensual BDSM practices.

People may wish to find a spanking therapist or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy with a partner.

According to an article in The Journal of Sex Research, people may engage in spanking therapy for a range of reasons, such as :

  • Power play: People may find it sexually arousing to play with power roles, such as becoming dominant or submissive. Others may also find it freeing to release responsibility and power in a controlled environment.
  • Spiritual experience: Some people report that SM practices alter their state of consciousness, providing them with a sense of connection, wholeness, and mind expansion.
  • Stress release: Individuals may find similar benefits from spanking therapy as those from mindful activities, such as meditation.
  • Escapism or sense of adventure: People may find spanking therapy a way to change their routine and elevate their experience from mundane or everyday matters.

The authors also note that some scientific theories suggest that SM practices, such as spanking, may help some people heal from trauma.

Reclaiming or relinquishing power through the act of spanking may help some people regain psychological control over past traumatic events.

However, a person may wish to consult a mental health professional before engaging in spanking therapy to help heal from trauma.

According to a 2020 article, BDSM, particularly SM practices, may offer therapeutic and soothing effects for some people.

The research also suggests that SM practices may also provide similar psychological benefits as meditation. These benefits may include increased concentration levels, reduced mental activity, and relaxation.

Anecdotal sources also report that spanking therapy may help:

  • relieve stress
  • provide pleasure
  • allow people to gain or relinquish power in a controlled situation
  • process or release trauma

There is little scientific research on spanking therapy and its effectiveness.

Research on BDSM practices has shown that those submissive in BDSM had biological changes indicating increased pleasure.

According to spanking therapy practitioners, they may use their hands to spank the lower, inner quadrant of the bottom.

A practitioner may also use a silicone or wooden paddle to create different sensations.

Clear communication is important, so the practitioner understands what people are hoping to get out of the session and the acts with which they can remain comfortable.

A spanking therapy session may involve the following:

  • a warmup session to get the body prepared
  • discussing any injuries or physical concerns
  • what the person hopes to get out of the session, and at what point it will end
  • agreeing on safe words or actions to stop the session at any time
  • whether people will keep their bottom clothed or not

During the spanking therapy, a practitioner may use a hand or paddle to offer different sensations.

After the session, the practitioner will check in with how people are feeling and allow time for them to process the emotions that may have come up.

Spanking therapy requires skill, and people without training may not be able to carry it out safely. However, if individuals wish to try spanking therapy with a partner, they may want to speak with a trained spanking therapist first for advice or training.

People could also learn from sex parties, classes at sex shops, online tutorials, or books.

Discussing consent

Before engaging in spanking therapy or any sexual activity, it is important that individuals discuss consent, boundaries, and expectations with their partner.

Consent is an ongoing process, and a person can change their mind and withdraw their consent at any time.

To ensure those involved are comfortable, people should:

  • talk about the activity
  • check in with each other often
  • ensure that everyone consents beforehand

The following are answers to common questions about spanking therapy.

Is spanking therapy always sexual?

Spanking therapy is not necessarily sexual, and some people may see it in a similar way to other forms of physical therapy. Others may see it as a more ritualistic experience.

According to a 2015 article, people may take part in BDSM activities such as spanking for nonsexual reasons.

Individuals may find it provides a new experience and a release from their everyday selves and responsibilities.

Why might people like being spanked?

People may enjoy spanking for several reasons, such as:

  • the release of power and responsibility
  • relaxation
  • stress relief
  • the release of trauma or negative emotions
  • altering their state of mind

A 2019 study looked at how Canadian university students thought about BDSM practices, with 60% of male participants and 31% of female participants having positive thoughts about whipping or spanking.

Where can a person learn more about spanking therapy?

If people want to learn more about spanking therapy, they may wish to:

  • read articles or books on the subject
  • talk with a sex worker trained in spanking therapy
  • connect with a local or online BDSM community

Spanking therapy uses spanking as a therapeutic method to release stress, explore power play, or let go of trauma.

People can consult a trained spanking therapist for a session or learn how to safely carry out spanking therapy themselves with a partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What yoni massage is and how to practice it

by Hana Ames

Yoni massage is a type of sensual massage. It is one of the tantric practices that aim to create intimate connections between people. People can also practice yoni massage alone as a way to get to know their bodies.

People often think of tantra synonymously with tantric sex, but sex is only one aspect of tantra.

Yoni massage is not about sex or foreplay but about getting to know oneself and what feels good.

This article describes:

  • what yoni massage is
  • its possible benefits
  • how to perform it
  • positions to try
  • where to find out more

Yoni is the Sanskrit word for vulva or vagina, and it roughly translates as “sacred cave” or “sacred space.”

Yoni massage is a type of sensual massage that aims to help people feel more comfortable in themselves by exploring and developing their relationship with their body.

Yoni massage is one of many tantric practices. Tantra yoga, for example, was once a preferred practice in ancient India for enhancing sexual pleasure. Yoni massage can involve some tantric positions.

A main goal of yoni massage is to help a person feel more in tune with their body and more comfortable in their skin.

Some proponents believe that practicing this massage one one’s own may help a person work through sexual trauma because it helps a person take control of their sexuality and learn what they enjoy.

Others might find that practicing yoni massage with a partner enhances the relationship.

It is important to note that yoni massage has no medical benefits.

As anecdotal evidence suggests, most people find yoni massage to be an emotional journey rather than a sexual one.

While some people may orgasm as a result of yoni massage, it is not necessarily the goal and does not need to be an expectation.

Some people, however, find that it leads to multiple orgasms. This depends entirely on the individual.

Practitioners say that preparation is key before performing a yoni massage. A person should try to prepare their mind, body, and, importantly, their space.

Prepare the space

Choose an inviting area, which may be a bed or the floor. Add plenty of pillows and blankets to make it as comfortable as possible.

Boost the ambiance by lowering the lights or lighting some candles, which may be scented.

A person may prefer to perform the massage in silence or with relaxing background sounds or music. Make sure that the temperature is pleasant.

Prepare the mind

Set aside enough time to perform yoni massage. It is important not to feel rushed or concerned about the day’s schedule.

Setting the intention is important when preparing for a yoni massage. Set the intention but do not get too caught up in fixing the intent. It should be flexible.

Prepare the body

Posture is important for performing a yoni massage. To have the right posture:

  • Lie down comfortably on the bed, floor, or other chosen space.
  • Gently place a pillow under the head and another under the back.
  • Place the feet gently but firmly on the ground with the knees bent and the legs open.

Warming up is also important. Breathe in and out slowly, focusing on the inhale and exhale.

Sensual touching is a great way to warm up for a yoni massage. Involve the breasts, areola, abdomen and belly, upper legs and inner thighs. Massage, touch, and pull on these areas however feels good. Work down the body toward the vulva.

People may want to use lubricant or massage oils. Make sure that any product will not cause an allergic reaction or disrupt the balance of helpful microorganisms known as the vaginal flora.

A person should proceed slowly and listen to what their body is telling them and how they are feeling. There should be no time constraints.

Some very simple techniques to try when practicing yoni massage include:

Tugging

  1. Gently hold the clitoris between the index finger and thumb.
  2. Tug gently away from the body.
  3. Release.
  4. Repeat with the inner and outer labia and any other areas that feel comfortable.

Pushing and pulling

  1. Make small, pulsing movements while pushing gently on the clitoris with one or two fingers.
  2. Keep pressure on the clitoris while pulling the finger down the shaft.
  3. Repeat on both sides of the shaft.

Circling

  1. Using the finger tip, make small circles around the clitoris.
  2. Vary the direction clockwise and counterclockwise.
  3. Swap between the small circles and larger ones, changing the pressure to whatever feels good.

Rolling

  1. Take some of the inner or outer labia between the middle finger and thumb.
  2. Move the fingers in opposite directions as though trying to snap them together.

Cupping

  1. Shape the hand into a “cup,” and hold it over the vagina.
  2. Move the hand in a gentle circular motion.
  3. Flatten the hand against the opening of the vagina.
  4. Massage the whole area using the palm of the hand.

A person can try switching between the various techniques above. Make sure the rest of the body is involved in the massage, as well.

People may wish to try multiple positions when practicing yoni massage, many of which have their roots in the yogic tradition.

Lotus position

A person can assume this position as part of a solo massage or with a partner.

Alone, sit with the legs crossed and the back straight, resting the palms on the knees.

With a partner:

  1. One partner sits as above.
  2. Facing them, the second partner sits with their legs wrapped around the first partner’s torso, with their ankles crossed behind the partner.
  3. Breathe together.

Hand on heart

  1. Sit with the legs crossed and the back straight.
  2. Rest the dominant hand over the heart.
  3. Feel the heartbeat and meditate on the connection, breathing deeply.

  4. As people become more comfortable with yoni massages, they may wish to try out a new technique.

    Edging

    Orgasm is not the primary purpose of tantric practices such as yoni massage. But if a person finds that they are able to climax through yoni massage, they may wish to try what practitioners call “edging.”

    By delaying orgasm, people may find that the experience is more intense when they eventually allow it to happen.

    Edging involves stopping the massage just before climax and having some cooling off time. Then, begin the massage again, stopping just before climax. Repeat this as many times as desired.

    The more a person repeats this process, the greater the pleasure they may experience when they finally allow themselves to reach orgasm.

    People should be aware that yoni massage is not regulated.

    Anyone interested in having someone else perform yoni massage on them should do careful research and look for a reputable practitioner.

    Well regarded instructors in the field include Layla Martin and Sofia Sundari.

    Anyone interested in tantric sex and tantra yoga more generally can find more information at Embody Tantra and Tantra is Love.

    There is no scientific evidence that yoni massage has medical benefits. Anecdotal evidence with a long history suggests that it may provide emotional and spiritual benefits.

    People can perform yoni massage alone or with a partner. Many who do find it to be a very intimate practice.

    Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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20 Fun Sexual Role-Play Ideas To Tap Into Your Wildest Fantasies

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Ever dreamed of being someone else just for the night? Then sexual role-play may be something you’ll enjoy. If you’re new to the role-play world, here are some ideas for different scenarios to enact and tips on how to initiate a conversation with your partner about trying it out.

How role-play works.

Role-play is when you take on the persona of someone else while having sex. For example, a couple may have sex while pretending to be strangers who met at a bar or acting out a scene where one person is royalty and the other is a servant.

The role-play can be as developed and complex or as simple as you like: You can incorporate costumes, backstories, and music to set the scene, or you can just narrate what you’re doing from a different perspective. The point is just to use your imagination to heighten sexual pleasure, tap into sexual fantasies, and play with creativity and self-expression.

Why you may want to try it.

“Sexual role play can bring elements of play and novelty to a relationship. This is especially rejuvenating when partners feel like they’ve hit a plateau in the relationship,” says therapist Wardeh C. Hattab, LCSW. Using role-play can help you and your partner rediscover the intrigue of your early days together and inject fun back into a sex life that might have begun to feel a little routine.

Role-play is also a chance to step outside of the everyday rules you usually live your life by. “It allows couples to do things they wouldn’t have felt comfortable doing otherwise,” explains sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “If you’re used to asking politely, role-playing gives you the chance to become more assertive and make decisive orders toward your partner. On the other hand, if you’re someone who’s used to pleasing others, role-playing gives you the chance to simply lie down, relax, and take the role of the receiver.”

Moore goes on to say that role-play can be a wonderful way for couples to bond and get closer as “acting out a fantasy builds the anticipation between partners, making sexual encounters more intimate and fulfilling.”

Starting the conversation.

It might feel a little intimidating to bring up role-playing with your partner if it’s something the two of you have never done before. To make it easier, sex educator Niki Davis-Fainbloom recommends bringing up the topic outside of sexual scenarios, “so partners have time to think about it without feeling pressure to do anything right away.”

She also suggests that you consider what scenarios you might be interested in exploring before you bring it up with your partner so that you’re prepared to answer their questions and explain what you might be into.

It’s also important to keep in mind that discussing desires related to role-play should be a series of discussions rather than a one-and-done situation, says Hattab.

Role-play ideas and scenarios to consider:

1. Strangers

“This is an enjoyable scene to explore for folks who are aroused by the concept of having sex with a stranger but perhaps may not want to deal with the risks of actually doing it,” says Davis-Fainbloom. You might even try dressing up, meeting in a new environment, and trying not to break character for it to be as effective and as hot as possible.

2. Nurse and patient

This role-play is great for people who want to play with dynamics of care. If you’re generally into being attended to by your partner, then a nurse-and-patient role-play scene might be fun for you to try. You might also just have a thing for sexy uniforms, in which case this one can be perfect for you.

3. Cheaters

In this scenario, you and your partner are cheating on your spouses left back at home while you rendezvous at a hotel in the middle of the day. Add extra flavor to this one by actually checking into a hotel and making a real weekend of it. This one can be hot for people who are monogamous and are craving a feeling of novelty.

4. About to take off

More nuts anyone? “In this one, the passenger and flight attendant have been making eye contact and flirting all throughout this overnight flight. Now that it’s 1 a.m. and most of the passengers are asleep, it’s time to see how friendly the skies can really be!” says relationship and sexuality coach Prandhara Prem. This role-play is great for people who like to break rules and have sex in unexpected places.

5. Maid

Maid-themed role-plays are great for those who like to be in charge and make their partners service them. “You can get the maid to clean a room for minutes on end, making her bend over, kneel down, and all that good stuff,” says Moore. Invest in a cute little maid’s costume for an extra kick.

6. Someone you know

Maybe you’re the hot barista at the coffee shop, or that girl you both met at that party one time. Whoever you are, make sure you’re both on the same page about whether your relationship can handle it, says Hattab. Choose someone with a safe amount of distance. This role-play has endless possibilities, and it’s perfect for bringing out sides of you that you are usually too shy to explore.

7. Teacher and student

While entirely unethical in real life, this scenario can be really hot when played out as a role-play. You might be drawn to a teacher-student dynamic if you’re generally hot for authority figures or always had a crush on your teachers back in the day. Get ready to be punished for letting the dog eat your homework. “And if you want the idea to be even kinkier, you can make it a religious school,” says Moore, adding for a little storyline flavor: “You’re still a virgin after anal sex, right?… Right?”

8. Hypnotic love

“In this role-play, one person can be a hypnotist and the other will be hypnotized. The hypnotized loses control of their actions. This is perfect for someone wanting to get over inhibitions or push their personal boundaries,” recommends Prem.

9. Electrician and housewife

Ring, ring. Who’s at the door? Oh! It’s the electrician who comes to service your appliances and…you. A role-play involving a worker and a housewife is suited to people who are turned on by trade uniforms and fantasies of being ravished on the couch before their husband gets home. Or maybe even for people who have cuckold fantasies and dream of coming home to their wife being ravished…

10. Masseuse and client

“I’ve seen so much massage porn that I’m often surprised when my masseuse rubs the tension out of my neck and sends me on my way,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This scene would suit someone who is really turned on by “extended foreplay, erotic massage, and bending the rules,” she says. Try to make the environment feel as different as possible from your everyday environment, play around with enticing scents, and make sure the masseuse takes their time before hitting the best spots.

11. Pizza delivery

A classic of the genre, you open up the door, and the pizza delivery person is hot as hell. Unfortunately, you don’t have any cash on you… This role-play is exciting for people who are into the idea of exchanging sexual services as payment or just putting a sexy twist on a common, real-life interaction.

12. Lost in space

Picture the scene: You’re the only two people left on a far-flung planet. The survival of the human race depends on you screwing as much as you can. Quick!!! This role-play is fun for people who are adventurous and like to dress up. The possibilities for space-themed sexy outfits are endless.

13. The shakedown

One of you is a guard, and the other is suspected of smuggling contraband. The guard is determined to find the hidden goods, while the other is making them difficult to be found. “But the officer is determined and will stop at nothing,” says Prem. This role-play is perfect for those who are turned on by a good old-fashioned power struggle. Do you usually gravitate to power play? Then this one’s for you.

14. Boss and worker

A sexual relationship between a boss and employee absolutely crosses the line in real life, but the taboo can make for some hot fantasies behind closed doors. “There’s no denying it—role-play is a powerful place to explore power dynamics,” says Davis-Fainbloom. This type of scene can be particularly ideal for someone who is interested in BDSM but hasn’t known how to take the plunge. She suggests alternating between the roles of dominant and submissive to see which one works best for you.

15. Landlord and tenant

It’s the last of the month, and the rent is due, but you and your landlord have a special arrangement… This role-play is another one that’s based on power dynamics, just like boss and worker.

16. Pin me down

In this role-play, you both pretend to be pro wrestlers trying to get each other on the floor. You can wear slinky little wrestler outfits and even have a wrestler persona and new name. This role-play “gets the blood and adrenaline moving,” says Prem. “Anyone feeling touch-deprived or sad can do this for a boost or quick pick-me-up.”

17. Age play

For this one, you can play around with calling your partner Daddy or Mommy or set up a scenario in which you’re finally left alone with your hot stepmom at the weekend… This role-play is ideal for people who are turned on by age gaps or who long to feel looked after or want to express nurture through sex.

18. Royalty and servant

“[This is] the perfect scenario for couples with a royalty kink, especially those who want to class up their Dom/sub dynamics,” says Moore. “You can dress up as a Renaissance royal and have your loyal servant feed you, serve you wine, and have [anything else you] want.”

19. Grocery store meet-cute

Your hands touch across the last loaf of bread, eggplant, or almond milk. You run back to the parking lot and screw in the car because you just can’t wait to have each other… This role-play is fun for people who fantasize about having sex with strangers or who are turned on by spontaneity or exhibitionism.

20. Whatever you want!

The sky is really the limit when it comes to role-play. If you can think of it, you can play it. Take inspiration from your favorite TV shows, musicians, artists, porn scenes—anything at all can be given a sexy twist.

Tips to keep in mind.

Setting boundaries is of the utmost importance when experimenting with role-play, says Prem. Spell out to your partner what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. Establish a safe word before beginning that you can use to come out of the scene if you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed.

Being really clear with your partner about which aspects of a role-play scenario turn you on can help both of you to glean more pleasure from it. “An open discussion of the fantasy may help the partner understand what aspect means the most in role-playing to the other person,” Hattab adds. “A partner who is less interested in role-play may be open to it with some more understanding of why their partner has this fantasy.”

Make sure you’re on the same page before diving in. A scenario in which you’re the doctor and your partner is the patient, for example, could have myriad different ways of being played out. Establish a framework together for what things are off-limits and what things you both think are sexy.

The bottom line.

Like any other sex game for couples, role-play can be a really fun way to get to know your own desires. When you’re playing at being someone else, you can feel free and uninhibited in a way that can sometimes be hard to access in everyday life. Dirty talk might feel easier, and unexplored kinks might come to the surface. As long as you and your partner keep the lines of communication open, a little acting might just bring you and your partner to new sexual heights.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide to Kinky Sex

If you’re turned on but intimidated by the complex lingo, etiquette, and array of fetishes out there, let us gently domme you through the basics.

by Reina Sultan

A lot of time can pass between the moment people discover they’re turned on by kink and when they actually act on that. I should know: In high school, I avidly read smutty BDSM fanfics on Tumblr, and it emboldened me to ask the very first guy I had sex with to choke me in bed. He said no, fearing he might “crush my larynx.” Bummer.

For six years after that “no,” I tried to forget I was into kink for a few reasons: I didn’t know how to find people who would choke me, plus I felt some basic shyness about getting into a scene with intimidatingly complex lingo, equipment, and social codes—especially when that scene involved scary-looking floggers and chains.

It took the boredom and voracious horniness of Pandemic Winter 2020 for me to live out my submissive fantasies. I started talking to a guy on Instagram I had mutuals with, but had never met. He sent me spanking videos, and after some back and forth, he invited me over to do a kink scene. I wondered whether this spelled murder, especially because I’d be going to his literal basement but, touch-starved, I said yes. (And then changed my mind and said no. And then said yes again.

I hadn’t even asked around about him, so I was very lucky he was a chill, respectful person and a hot partner. That first time, we explored sensation and impact play. As we kept seeing each other, he taught me more about kink, like how to figure out the specifics of what I was into and safely practice BDSM. But there was still so much to learn.

For newcomers, it can be tough to figure out the rules and etiquette of kink, especially if you’ve mostly encountered it in porn and the occasional Instagram infographic. But through communication, practice, research, and building a kink community, I started learning the ropes (kind of—I only bottom during rope scenes), and the more I learned, the more I liked what I was doing. 

Kinky sex simply requires more thought and planning than vanilla sex. But don’t worry—now I’m here to help you get freaky, too. Learning about the basic tenets of kink will help you have the best possible time when you (finally!) decide to try it out for yourself. OK? Say, “Yes, Mistress.” Just kidding—I already told you I’m a sub.

What is kink?

“Kink” covers subcultural sexual practices like BDSM, fetish play, and role play, as well as the lifestyles and social groups related to them. That’s pretty broad, so here’s a basic—and not at all comprehensive, don’t @ me—list of tastes, terms, and phenomena that are fairly common in the wild and vast world of kink.

  • BDSM. This acronym, which you almost certainly have heard before, refers to “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, sadism and masochism.” A dominant (which, like “domination,” is sometimes capitalized depending on people’s preferences), is a person who exerts control, like by ordering around their partner. A submissive is a person at the other end of that power exchange who willingly gives up their control. A sadist gets pleasure from inflicting pain, and a masochist likes receiving pain. To read more about BDSM, check out this blog post by one of my faves in the kink scene, Venus Cuffs, whom we’ll hear more from in a bit.
  • A top is a person—not necessarily a dominant—performing an activity: They’re usually the one tying the ropes and spanking the butts. A bottom is a person—not necessarily a submissive—having an activity done to them: being tied up, getting spanked. Switch/vers refers to someone who both tops and bottoms or can be both dominant and submissive. These terms are used in many contexts outside of BDSM too, particularly if you’re queer—read more here!
  • A scene refers to a kinky experience or session, which you can have more than one of during a given encounter or party. If you got spanked for 20 minutes or tied up and teased with a sex toy, those things would be considered scenes.

Let’s talk about some common fetishes. This is a fun A–Z list of kinks and fetishes. It’s not all-inclusive: Any hot thing you’re fixated on can be its own fetish, so don’t despair if yours isn’t on that list or the one included just below. It’s just good to have a place to start in terms of what you might come across as you go.

  • Impact play is focused on a top striking a bottom’s body with their hands or implements like canes, paddles, floggers, or whips. Here’s a guide to safety during impact play.
  • Rope bondage refers to the practice of restraining or binding someone with rope, which is not necessarily always Shibari (and doesn’t need to be). Shibari refers specifically to a type of rope bondage which originated in Japan. I highly recommend researching Japanese Shibari educators and practitioners to understand how to respectfully engage in Shibari. Whatever you’re doing, read up on rope safety practices first.
  • Sensation play is when the goal is arousal or stimulation through senses (like playing with ice, Wartenberg wheels, or hot wax). Seek out a safety guide for whatever you’re doing—you should look for sources that outline actual health risks, not just, “Here’s what feels good and what doesn’t.”
  • Sharps play involves, well, sharp stuff like needles, knives, or scalpels. Obviously, you’ll need to know a little more about mitigating risks if this is what you’re into—start with this Healthline guide.
  • Breath play involves restriction of oxygen. Look up how to minimize risk before choking of any kind.
  • Edge play refers to especially high-risk play of any kind, like rope suspension, knife play, or needle play. 

How can I find out more about what kinks I’m into?

People get into kink through porn, social media, sexual experimentation, fanfics, and beyond. There’s no shame if you read or watched 50 Shades of Grey and got curious! (Just know that the books and films are filled with inaccuracies about BDSM, consent, and safety practices.)

Reeru, a 32-year-old sadist top in Brooklyn, found out he was kinky when a partner used restraints on him. “I was teased until I couldn’t take it anymore,” he said. Reeru freed himself from the restraints and took the dominant role, which he said “awakened that part of [him].” Afterwards, he sought out kink more straightforwardly.

Like Reeru, you might come to kink through sex, but plenty of people also (or exclusively) consider kink a form of self-expression. Venus Cuffs is a New York–based dominant working in nightlife who uses she and they pronouns. Cuffs uses kink to subvert society’s racist definitions of her. “[In my daily life,] I was expected to be angry—to be a mammy, take care of everyone, be submissive, and be a servant. To never truly have any power,” they said. Through BDSM, she said, they’re served and honored by men instead.

To investigate what makes you feel turned on or otherwise piqued: Read books about kinky sex and see what makes you horny as you read. Watch kinky porn. Go to an event to watch kinky performances. Finally, taking the famous online BDSM test can point you toward what you might like—it’s kind of cringe and hilarious, but I don’t know anyone in kink who hasn’t taken it at least once, even just for fun.  

How do I find kinky people?

Plenty of people enjoy kink with their usual romantic and sexual partners. But you can also look into dedicated communities if you’re hoping to dip your toes (or whatever body parts you like) into local and online kink scenes. 

Many people recommend starting by exploring FetLife, a kinky social network. Some disclaimers: It’s not very user-friendly—its interface looks and is almost charmingly bad—and, as on any platform, some users are rude or bigoted. Still, FetLife is the only platform of its kind, and it remains one of the better ways for newcomers to find people and events.

For one-off encounters, dating apps can be useful. Feeld, which is marketed to people seeking group sex, is particularly kinky compared to other apps, but you can find potential partners on the more general and popular apps. I’m currently in my “off again” phase with apps, but this is usually my bio (go ahead and roast me): “I’m a non-monog masochistic bottom looking for new connections. Into impact play, plants, my cats, police/prison abolition, and bruise pics.” Feel free to adapt it based on what you’re into.

How do I vet partners?

Remember how I turned up to a stranger’s basement with no idea what I was doing? Don’t be like me! I’m lucky everything turned out OK, but kink can be physically and emotionally risky. Look into potential partners—and, ideally, meet in public—before they tie you up and spit on you (or vice versa). 

When I’m talking to new people about playing together, I ask them how long they’ve been doing the activity at hand and what their skills are. Understanding more about a partner’s history and qualifications can help prevent mistakes and injuries—for instance, a top should be able to tell you how they plan to keep you both safe. Exploring with an inexperienced partner who wants to learn can be OK, but less so if you learn they’ve never tied anyone up before when you’re already suspended from the ceiling.

I ask people I’m vetting how they define consent and to describe their risk profiles (this is a common kink phrase covering how intense a person is willing to get during rough play). If that feels right, I check their social media accounts for red flags—have they posted about having no limits or hating safe words?—and I ask my community members what they know about the person. Ideally, I’m able to speak with a previous partner to confirm that things went well. (That’s right—I ask for kink references, and you should, too.)

It’s not possible to do this deep of a dive at parties, but before tying with a rope top at an event, I ask what they know about preventing nerve damage and where and when they learned to tie.

If I’m comfortable with their answers, we keep talking—most of the time. Sometimes nothing comes up that’s a problem, but something you can’t quite put your finger on gives you pause. Trust your gut! If someone feels off, they might not be dangerous, but they’re probably not for you.

What if I’m looking for a professional to teach me about kink?

People explore kinks with professional dom(me)s, submissives, and fetish providers for a low-stakes way to get a little experience before seeking out unpaid partners. Mistress Danielle Blunt, who is a professional Dominatrix, said, “Hiring [a professional] can be a great way to explore kinky desires for newbies, because it takes the pressure off having to navigate something that can be scary or feel shameful with a partner.”

Some people, like me, just prefer working with pros. Bottoming for rope can be dangerous, and since I’ve researched the risks, I almost exclusively tie with people who get paid to know what they’re doing. Knowing I’m in good hands, I can get into a juicy, wonderful space when I’m being suspended—one that feels full of catharsis and release.

People can hire pros for so many things: A client might want someone to top them in spanking scenes. They might want to learn how to tie rope themselves, or for someone to teach them proper ball-busting technique. Whatever it is people are doing while working with professionals, they’re expected to be respectful of their boundaries, time, and rates.

How can I tell if a kink event is safe?

First, let’s talk about what kink events and parties even are. Events aren’t always orgies. You might also come across performances, workshops, mixers, classes, and play parties. 

When you see parties advertised online, look for two acronyms:

  • RACK, which stands for “risk-aware, consensual kink,” and means all parties agree to understand and consent to the risks in any activity.
  • NMIK, which stands for “no minors in kink,” as in, don’t engage in kink with minors or let minors attend kink events!  

Before any kind of party, organizers might throw “munches,” which allow you to meet people in expectation-free settings prior to partying together. Munches can happen just before an event that includes touching or sex, or completely separately. They generally occur in public places (or virtually) and people attend without their whips, and with clothes on.

Whether you’re at a munch or looking into an event independently: Ask organizers about consent practices. A zero-tolerance policy for violations is great, but get specific. What happens if someone reports that happening?

Reeru suggested more questions to guide your decision-making about event safety:

  • “Are there dungeon or consent monitors present and easily identifiable?” (“Dungeons,” by the way, are established BDSM spaces.)
  • “How do you vet performers, professionals, and guests?”
  • “Are people using drugs or alcohol?”
  • “Are safer sex practices being observed?”
  • “Are vaccinations mandatory?”

If organizers don’t have good (or any) answers, steer clear. However, if you mostly like an event, but notice something is lacking or vague, bring it up! If they’re amenable to making changes to prioritize people’s safety and comfort, that’s a really good sign.

How should I act at kink events?

The first way to fit in at a kink event happens before you get there: Follow directions about what to wear. Generally speaking, jeans and a T-shirt are too casual. Think more Euphoria vibes. Many, if not most, parties require you to turn a look within dress codes like fetish gear or formalwear—I’ve seen a Moulin Rouge theme, and people love latex-and-leather parties. Check with coordinators or reread the description to make sure you’re dressing the part.

As with their dress codes, each event is going to vary in terms of what’s socially expected and acceptable. If you have questions about what is or isn’t OK, ask an organizer.

One thing holds true everywhere you go: Behave respectfully. As Venus Cuffs said, “BDSM does not exist without consent, which should be the foundation of all your play. There are no exceptions to this rule—without it, it’s abuse.” This is true of all kinds of kink.

Ask before touching anyone or any toys or equipment. Don’t interrupt while people are mid-scene. Keep a safe distance when watching a scene so you don’t accidentally get hit or make anyone uncomfortable.

What does “negotiating a scene” mean, and how do I do it?

“Negotiation” is a before-scene discussion about participants’ needs, wants, and limits. (Yes, another one!) This conversation varies depending on the scene and partner. If you’re new partners, a negotiation might be extensive, since you’re learning about each other for the first time. If you’ve already been together, you might ask fewer questions or just make sure what you discussed last time still applies. 

Lots of negotiation questionnaires and sheets are available online, but these premises are usually part of all of them:

  • Soft limits are acts and types of kink that you generally don’t want to do, but could be flexible about with the right person, at the right time. One of my soft limits is needle play, which can involve being pierced with gauge needles. I don’t usually want to do it, and I would never do it during my first time with someone—but I’ve tried it, and I would again under proper conditions.  
  • Hard limits are definite nos. One of mine is race play: Under no circumstances will I engage in kink based on racialized power differentials.
  • Safe words are codes that can pause or stop play. Some people don’t use “no” or “stop” because it can be part of pre-negotiated play to feign resistance (hot), and you don’t want someone to actually stop when you’re having a good time (not hot). Like many newcomers and experienced people alike, I use stoplight colors: “yellow” to indicate I’m approaching my limits, and “red” when I need a full stop.

People can have intense reactions during scenes, even if they think they’re ready for what’s coming and have safe words in place. Sometimes, things can become triggering, or people can become non-verbal. Talking through this in advance can prevent harm in the moment when emotions are high. For example: If you start crying, is that an automatic end to the scene? Is it OK for your partner to just check in?

Mistress Blunt suggested trying these questions as you negotiate:

  • “What does aftercare—what people do to ease out of kink and into the regular world—look like for you?”
  • “Do you like to be checked in on after a scene?”
  • “What makes you feel safe? What makes you feel unsafe?
  • “What should we do if something goes wrong?”
  • “Is there anything I should know about your body or mind?”

Negotiation is just as much about talking through what you like and want to do, which is also really fun. Once you’ve got the above information in place, be sure to focus on pleasure for a while.

How do I reduce physical risks?

Before trying out a new kind of kink, you absolutely have to do your research about the risks involved and best safety practices. Look for both guides and medically sound information about physical risks—you might search online for terms like “how to safely spank someone” or “what are the risks associated with rope bondage?” Read as much as you can, and err on the side of credible medical and health information websites rather than forums or blogs.

If you’re doing a rope scene, learn to identify the signs of nerve damage (even if you are bottoming and don’t know how to tie). If you’re planning to do impact, learn how not to get hit where there are vital organs (avoid the lower back and protect your kidneys).

Before each and every scene, all parties involved should be able to check in with themselves about those risks to see if they are in the mental and/or physical place to engage. Even if some of us are bimbos who like to be degraded, bottoms aren’t just passive participants. Ebibex, a Baltimore-based rope and sharps bottom who’s using a pseudonym for this article, said, “This idea that bottoms are interchangeable bodies, who just ‘look pretty’ in rope, or unskilled recipients, is both harmful and insulting.” In good kink scenarios, bottoms will be as much in control of being safe during a scene as tops are.

You can also reduce harm by choosing not to use drugs or alcohol before and during a scene. This is ultimately up to you, but at least starting your kink journey sober is usually a good idea.

What is aftercare?

Aftercare is the time following a scene when people are returning to “normalcy.” Some people like physical closeness and snacks. Others might shower together or give each other massages. Some people might not want to spend time together at all. That’s all fine, as long as it’s discussed beforehand.

Aftercare doesn’t have to end directly after the scene. Many people like hearing from their partner a day or two after a scene. Ebibex, the  said she likes “talking to and debriefing with anyone I’ve played with—what we liked, what could be different.” This can also mitigate “drop,” which refers to negative feelings that can arise in the days following an encounter. Drop isn’t always preventable, and that’s OK! I receive incredible aftercare and sometimes still drop. In those times, I eat chocolate and watch feel-good movies. I also reach out to my top and let them know I’m feeling bad, and talking often helps.

Postgame communication can help people deal with consent violations or injuries, which can happen even among the most well-intentioned or experienced players. Part of harm reduction is to be prepared for these scenarios, and to know what to do after something has gone wrong. If you’ve gotten hurt or had your consent violated, what do you need or want from the other person? If you hurt someone or violated their consent, how will you show up and respect their wants and needs?

Even when a scene goes perfectly, it’s good to check in and to feel that your safety—and your pleasure—is valuable to your partner, and vice versa.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 Steamy Items To Add To Your Sex Bucket List

Your brain is your best sexual partner.

By Molly Longman, Kasandra Brabaw

If you have sexual fantasies you’ve never acted on, don’t worry — you’re definitely not alone. Even the sexually adventurous among us can’t possibly have made it through every possible sexual scenario. There are countless sex positions, locations, kinks, and couplings to explore. So, if you’re looking to get a bit more experienced, then it’s time to sit down and write your sex bucket list.

Just like a regular bucket list — which is a check list of experiences you want to have before you die — a sex bucket list forces you to think about what you really want to do in the bedroom. It’s almost guaranteed to make your sex life a little more exciting. Making a list is just the beginning, though. The real fun comes in checking each item off.

Ahead, we’ve rounded up some steamy sexual fantasies to inspire your own sex bucket list — and how to actually make them a reality.

Sex At The Office

Despite all of the NSFW warnings that make it clear our minds shouldn’t be on sex at the office, plenty of people fantasise about tossing the papers off of their desk and getting dirty. Sometimes these daydreams involve a partner popping by for a surprise visit and sometimes they involve a coworker. Either way, it can’t hurt to try at least once — just make sure you’re doing it on your own desk, and not invading a random coworker’s space, in a totally empty office.

How to make it happen: Be super clear about lines of consent if you’re going to try this one with a coworker. Being aware of how positions of power can affect consent is always important, but office romances (or hookups) are top of mind in this #MeToo era.

Role-play

Whether it’s fantasising about having a one night stand with a stranger you meet in a bar, or a doctor’s visit taking a turn for the erotic, role-play is the answer. Especially if you’re in a committed, monogamous relationship, role-play allows you to explore all of your sexual fantasies while staying faithful.

How to make it happen: Float the idea to your partner ahead of time, and ask them to share their fantasy, too.

Having “Anywhere But The Bed” Sex

Sex in your bed is great, of course, but every once in a while it’s fun to switch up the location. Have sex on the kitchen table, against your front door, in the backyard, in your pool, in the car, or anywhere else your imagination takes you.

How to make it happen: The instructions on this one are pretty simple — just do it. But remember, if you have roommates and aren’t into letting them watch, makes sure to plan your “anywhere but the bed” sex for a time when you know they won’t be coming home.

Adding A Third

If you’ve always dreamed about having sex that involves three or more people, you’re not alone. All kinds of people, both queer and straight, have fantasised about having a threesome.

How to make it happen: As magical as threesomes sound, they don’t actually happen by magic. It takes a lot of communication, with your partner if you’re adding a third, with the couple if you’re joining in, or with two people who’ve never slept with each other before. You’ll need to talk about your expectations and boundaries, and make sure everyone involved is excited for what’s about to happen. Still not sure how to make it work? Read these handy tips from people who’ve actually had threesomes — and love them.

Having Sex In A Public Place

Whether it’s in the bathroom at your favourite bar, in a department store dressing room, or behind the bushes on a deserted street, the could-get-caught risk makes public sex way more exciting than your usual romp at home. With that said, it’s not cool to involve non-consenting strangers in your trysts, especially if you’re somewhere they could see you, hear you, or even have to clean up after you.

How to make it happen: Involving other people who did not consent in your kink is not cool. So no, even if sex in a dressing room or some place with a high risk of getting caught seems fun, it’s not okay. Instead, aim for spots that feel public, but don’t put other people at risk, such as in your car in a deserted parking lot, or in a sex club.

Having Sex While Someone Watches

Exhibitionism isn’t for everyone, but some people love the idea of getting it on with a partner while a third person watches (and maybe even masturbates because they find the action so sexy).

How to make it happen: If you live in a city that hosts sex parties, then it’s almost guaranteed that someone will watch. If you can’t attend a sex party, find an adventurous friend who’s willing to join in or put a call out on dating apps. It might take some time to find the right person, but it’ll be worth the wait.

Channeling Your Inner Anastasia Steele

If you’ve heard of 50 Shades Of Grey, then you have at least some idea of what it means to be submissive (though keep in mind that both the books and movies get a lot wrong about kink). Being a submissive essentially means that the dominant partner has control — with your consent, of course. That can mean the dom ties you up, spanks you, denies you an orgasm, tells you what to say, or any number of other sexual acts.

How to make it happen: If you have a partner, start with a conversation. Telling anyone about your kink can be nerve-wracking, for sure, but open communication with sexual partners is the only surefire way to make sure you’re getting what you want in bed. Consider making a yes/no/maybe list so that both you and your partner are able to talk about what you’re willing (and not willing) to do.

If you don’t have a partner, many sex parties have BDSM sections for people who either want to dominate or be dominated. If the idea of a sex dungeon freaks you out, attend a class or information session for a reputable sex party or kink group in your area.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A No-Bullshit Guide To Getting Into Tantric Sex

“The idea that tantric sex is all about delayed orgasms is misguided. It would mean that delaying your orgasm is a challenge that you must win.”

by Arman Khan

Prem Vismay first encountered the world of tantric sex at a trance party he’d attended nearly a decade ago in the Indian capital of mystics, Rishikesh. “Somebody I met there told me about Ma Ananda Sarita’s book Divine Sexuality: The Joy of Tantra,” the 45-year-old teacher of tantra told VICE. “That was a turning point for me.”

At the time, Vismay was spending endless nights frustrated with his condition of premature ejaculation. “It would leave me depressed. But after practising tantra, I was able to overcome it all and truly enjoy my sex life. After all, tantric sex doesn’t mean wild orgies and polyamory even though it doesn’t constrain you from these things either. On a basic level, though, it is trusting in yourself to find your own way.”

For many in the West, the word “tantra” conjures up images of Sting engaging in seven-hour marathon sex, but the practice has roots in both Buddhism and Hinduism going back thousands of years, and it contains many facets. According to the Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Religion, tantra is an umbrella term that refers to a range of esoteric, spiritual and sexual schools of thought that “span several religious traditions and cultural worlds.” It seeks to address everything, from our understanding of liberation to pleasure, hedonism and death. Tantric sex, for its part, forms a crucial part of the larger tantra canon.

According to Mohini Srishati, a 40-year-old teacher of tantra, tantric sex must be understood beyond the clichés it is currently chained to in popular imagination. “It is truly magical and exotic,” she told VICE. “Tantric sex is meditative sex, which includes practices such as using breathwork, your own creativity in bed, unlearning your sexual and religious conditioning patterns as a child, and respecting your sexual energy as a means to connect with the divine.”

From practising mindfulness, having open communication with your partner to becoming aware of one’s senses, the idea of bringing a meditative, slowed-down quality to sex is one of the central tenets of tantric sex.

Around the Indian subcontinent, the history of tantric sex dates back to many millennia – referenced across ancient Buddhist and Hindu texts. In The Origins of Yoga and Tantra: Indic Religions to the Thirteenth Century, British Indologist Geoffrey Samuel refers to tantric sex as “sexual yoga” that was widespread around the third and fifth centuries, and finds mention in Hindu philosophical texts such as the Upanishads. In Introduction to Tantra: The Transformation of Desire, Tibetan lama Thubten Yeshe posits that the idea of “tantric sex as a means to give proper shape to your desire” was influenced by the evolution of similar ideals in Tibetan Buddhism in the early second century.

Looking to bring this ancient practice into your bedroom? Here’s a handy guide to getting there.

Beware of quacks

As with all things seemingly “exotic”, tantric sex is also advertised by teachers who just want to exploit and make a quick buck at your expense. Pallavi Barnwal, a 39-year-old intimacy coach based in New Delhi, shares how her first experience with tantric sex was borderline abusive.

“He is a very popular guru in this field,” she told VICE. “In the first online session, which was supposed to be audio-only, he wanted to teach me the importance of self-pleasure through a special kind of masturbation called the yoni massage. Barely minutes into the session, he told me to switch on my camera under the pretext of wanting to see how my energy was moving.”

According to Barnwal, in a country like India where conversations on sex are still widely stifled, any opportunity to liberate yourself through such practices may make you vulnerable to such quacks. “A real guru will never ask you to strip down and offer yourself to him. You don’t have to sleep with anyone or reveal yourself to any guru to understand tantric sex.”

Be creative and slow

According to Srishati, who has been practising tantric sex for a decade, the idea that you need to have an orgasm and quickly get it done is antithetical to tantra.

“That would mean you want to quickly get rid of the sexual energy,” she says. “In tantric sex, there is no agenda of compulsorily penetrating or ejaculating. You can experience orgasm by simply looking into each other’s eyes without actually ejaculating. The idea is to ride the peaks and waves of different kinds of orgasms – not just genital release.”

She also adds that the idea that tantric sex is “only about delayed orgasms” is misguided. “It would mean that delaying your orgasm is a challenge that you must win. Your body would become very stiff in such a scenario.”

Vismay said it is also important to treat the space where you are being intimate as a “divine site of energy and healing,” and build a setting using candles, flowers and light ambient music to spruce it up. “Avoid white and flashing lights, mobile chargers, a beeping timer or a clock because tantra asks you to bring your awareness to sex and minimise any time or space distractions.”

Choose your energy wisely

“Tantric sex is all about regulating your energy and being in tune with your own needs and desires,” Alessandro Di Benedetto, a 29-year-old teacher of yoga and tantra told VICE. “You have to be able to connect with the other person before you have sex with them. Look into their eyes, understand where they are coming from, and hold hands.”

In cases where you meet someone but the vibe seems completely off in the first meeting, Di Benedetto suggests moving on and not wasting one’s time. “If the person is genuinely ready to grow and evolve with you and you want the same, then maybe you can rethink the equation.”

Experiment with breath and sound

Considering that tantric sex revolves around regulating one’s energy, Srishati suggested playing with sound and breath to maximise one’s pleasure.

“There are various techniques to go around this,” she says. “You must let yourself experience everything in the moment – be it crying, moaning or different positions. And experiment with breath, movement and sound.”

Breath in tantric sex, according to Srishati, is an important tool to shape your energies. “For the woman, you must visualise breathing in from your sex chakra and breathing out from your heart chakra, and vice versa for the man,” she said. “The idea is to let every bit of the sexual energy flow through you. This helps in aiding a full-body orgasm because every pore of your body is making love.”

In tantric sex manifestos, the sex or the sacral chakra is located below the navel while the heart chakra is, well, located at the heart. Visualising your breath flowing in and out of these chakras is said to help in a fuller, more realised experience.

Unlearn childhood conditioning

Anand Kumar, a 28-year-old business analyst who has been practising tantric sex for the last couple of years, had to work with his guru to unlearn his childhood biases related to shame and self-esteem.

“I always saw my body as a political space that had too many conditions tethered to it,” he said. “I was disgusted by my own body hair for the longest time because I was shamed for it by my own siblings. Tantric sex made me fall in love with my own image.”

According to Srishati, such conditioning begins early on. “You see parents shaming little children even when they touch their own genitals. This is the reason why so many people then grow up feeling guilty and ashamed immediately after they masturbate or indulge in [any other act of] self-pleasure.”

A major element of tantric sex, according to Srishati, is thus not just the act itself but also radically unlearning these biases that act as “mental barriers” to truly enjoying the act.

Experiment with movement

Barnwal prefers the yab-yum position of tantric sex where the woman sits on the lap of her partner like a lotus, wrapping her legs firmly around the man. That’s the traditional depiction of the position, though it can be done between any gender.

“Your chakras are perfectly aligned in this position with your partner,” she said. “You are physically touching each other’s forehead, heart, and genitals. The intimate connection becomes evenly spread across the body.”

Vismay added that tantric sex does not involve any special “acrobatic sex positions,” and that it all boils down to taking your time to be rooted in the body and not being stuck in your thoughts.

“I heard (controversial mystic and cult leader) Osho say in one of his discourses that the bodies will find their way to the most comfortable positions. The idea is to bring a sense of peace and prayer to lovemaking and not approach it as a mechanical act that must tick all the boxes.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Spice Up Your Relationship with Beginner-Friendly BDSM Toys

By Essex Mag

Since the global phenomenon of the 50 Shades of Greyfranchise, BDSM practices have become somewhat mainstream. Once a taboo subject, you can now walk into any sex shop and find couples who want to explore BDSM by browsing through handcuffs and restraint kits or shopping around for the latest must-have ball gag. Not only is BDSM now mainstream, but the expert opinion also concludes that a healthy exploration of BDSM can contribute positively to our wellbeing – and the health of our relationship.

What are the benefits of BDSM?

BDSM has long been thought of as a taboo and scandalous practice, and it only took a Twilight fan fiction to turn this once frowned-upon kink into a celebrated part of mainstream culture. While 50 Shades of Grey might not be an accurate or redeeming picture of BDSM relationships, real BDSM enthusiasts enjoy a range of benefits and positive upshots to their kink:

Better communication

One benefit to exploring BDSM in your sex life is that you learn to communicate better – both inside and outside the bedroom. BDSM is about discipline and control, but also about respecting one another’s limits: when you are able to ask directly for what you want, set your limits, and enforce your boundaries, this creates a healthy framework for the relationship in general. Lack of communication is a relationship-killer, so developing this skill together will enhance your relationship and lessen potential conflict.

Deeper trust

Another relationship-killer is lack of trust between partners, and this is another key relationship milestone that BDSM couples tend to reach more easily than others. BDSM enables you to submit to (or take) control of your partner, and demonstrating this level of vulnerability to another person is not something tobe undertaken lightly. It demands a massive leap of faith for a person to allow themselves to be at the mercy of someone else, especially in a sexual context. If you can trust your partner to respect your boundaries, respect your safe word and also enjoy intimacy together at the same time, it’s natural that a deep and enduring trust will develop.

More satisfying sex lives

In a recent study, researchers found that couples who engaged in “BDSM behaviors” reported higher rates of sexual satisfaction, while those who had sexual fantasies which remained unexplored reported lower sexual and relationship satisfaction. Another study found that BDSM practitioners reported higher rates of relationship satisfaction and relationship security. It seems that BDSM practices help couples connect, communicate, and enjoy overall more fulfilling sex lives. So – how do you incorporate BDSM toys into the bedroom, especially if you’re a beginner?

Best Beginner BDSM Toys: Ball Gags, Handcuffs and More

The best way to start incorporating BDSM toys into your relationship is by using them to enhance what you already love. For example, if you love when your partner dominates you or takes control in the bedroom, why not incorporate a pair of handcuffs to truly enhance the feeling of submission? If you love it when your partner [consensually] puts a hand on your mouth during sex, why not try out a ball gag? This is the purpose of sex toys: to take what you love about sex and enhance it. Here are our picks for the best beginner-friendly BDSM toys:

Ball Gag

A ball gag is a great way to submit to your partner, or have your submissive partner entirely at your mercy. BDSM enthusiasts love the feeling of losing control, and what better way to surrender control than to surrender the ability to express yourself clearly? A ball gag takes submission and domination to a new level while remaining a beginner-level BDSM toy.

Handcuffs

If you love it when your partner holds your hands behind your back, or when you feel constrained physically, invest in a pair of handcuffs to enjoy together. If you don’t like the leather or metal look, you can buy a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs or even handcuffs made from luxe leather. Dominant partners will love the feeling of enjoying complete control, while submissive partners will enjoy losing theirs!

Thigh Sling

Using a thigh sling is a great way to enhance your sexual positions while simultaneously taking control of (or surrendering to) your partner. A thigh sling is a mix between bondage play and the more advanced BDSM sex slings and sex swings that the hardcore enthusiasts love. Enhance your positions and have better sex with a thigh sling – and if you love the experience, move on to a sex sling!

Temperature Play

If you’re not yet ready to spend money investing in a sex toy, you can always find things around the house to use to spice things up in the bedroom! Temperature play is hugely popular amongst BDSM enthusiasts: whether it means using ice cubeson warm naked skin or (safely) stimulating your partner with hot wax, incorporating temperature play can be exhilarating and a fun way to test your limits in an intimate setting.

Bondage

While it might seem intimidating for a novice, bondage play is pretty mainstream: a simple search for bondage on Amazon will return thousands of results, with thousands of reviews from everyday couples. Some beginner-friendly bondage includes bed/mattress restraints (tying a partner to the bed via their ankles and wrists) as well as spreader bars, which are a little more advanced, especially as it often means the “submissive” partner will remain standing for long periods of time. Consider bondage as simply a more advanced version of handcuffs, although restraints allow you to explore bondage more comfortably and according to your own needs. You can also pair a set of mattress restraints with a ball gag for heightened sensations of dominance and control!

How to Incorporate BDSM into the Bedroom: Do’s and Don’ts

Do’s:

● Be understanding of your partner’s limits

● Respect your partner’s boundaries

● Set your own clear boundaries

● Explain clearly what you like/dislike

● Let your partner share their fantasies without judgment

● Establish verbal and non-verbal safe words

● Respect all safewords

● Consult your partner before buying new BDSM toys

● Never try out a new BDSM fantasy without first consulting your partner

Don’ts:

● Feel pressured into sexual acts that you aren’t comfortable with

● Push your partner beyond their limit

● Gossip with others about your partner’s fantasies – the trust foundation must be solid to engage in BDSM play

● Override the safe word, even in the name of being dominant

● Force your partner to try out fantasies that they’re uncomfortable with

Verdict?

Incorporating fun BDSM toys into the bedroom can be an exhilarating experience: whether you’re a submissive or more the dominant type, there are plenty of thrills to be had when it comes to power-play, and plenty of toys to choose from! Whether you try out ball gags or bondage play, BDSM can help your relationship evolve, stay exciting and remain spontaneous.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 Powerful Changes To Make To Your Sex Life In 2022

By Kelly Gonsalves

It’s 2022, and conversations around sexuality have evolved tremendously. We know more than ever before about the science of orgasms, fostering desire, and all the different ways we can experience sexuality. There are virtually infinite resources out there, from books and podcasts to courses and retreats, dedicated to helping us tap into all the good feelings to which our bodies have access.

If it’s been a long while since you last prioritized your sex life, consider this your invitation to enter into the new year with an intention of rediscovering your erotic self and all the ways in which you can experience sensual pleasure in your body, soul, and partnerships. For inspiration, we asked sexuality experts to offer some tangible, straightforward ideas for how to actually better your sex life. Here’s what they recommended:

1. Talk more about sex.

“One of the most powerful changes couples can make to their sex life is to talk more about sex,” says Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of Reclaiming Pleasure.

To have great sex, you must be able to talk about it. When was the last time you talked to your partner about which types of touch you like the most—and least? Do you know your partner’s wildest fantasies? What are the things that make them in the mood for sex—and not in the mood for sex?

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” Richmond says. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

2. Start a regular masturbation practice.

Whether you’re single or partnered, sex and dating coach Myisha Battle, M.S., recommends making time for solo sex at least once a week.

“It’s a great way to stay in touch with your sexual energy as well as learn about what your body likes,” she explains. “Allow yourself to explore your desires through porn or erotica, have fun, and take notes about what you like and don’t like!”

Some people may feel uncomfortable masturbating when they’re in a relationship, or they let their masturbation practice subside in favor of partnered sex. But Battle says anyone and everyone can benefit from masturbating regularly, including people in long-term relationships.

“Masturbation can help you be less dependent on your partner’s availability for sex. This change opens up so much for people who overly rely on others to be sexual. You can be your most reliable source for sexual pleasure no matter what your relationship status is,” she says. 

3. Start a mindfulness practice.

Whether or not we realize it, what we do outside the bedroom can have a big impact on how we feel when we’re actually having sex. That’s why one thing that licensed psychologist and AASECT-certified sex therapist Lauren Fogel Mersy, Psy.D., L.P., recommends to those seeking better sex is to start a mindfulness practice.

“A regular practice of being present in the moment without judgment may transfer to your sex life, which will likely improve your experience,” she explains. “Being present in the moment is when sex can feel most pleasurable and connected. It’s when we are most in touch with our bodies and our partners.”

Learning how to be present in your body in general—such as through meditating, breathwork, or other mindfulness exercises—can help you be more aware of the pleasurable sensations your body is feeling during sex (i.e., sex will feel better).

4. Explore eroticism.

What does eroticism mean to you?

“We each have things that we find arousing,” AASECT-certified sex therapist and licensed couples’ counselor Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., tells mbg. “You can tune in to yours by thinking about your best sexual experiences, your fantasies, and your response to various erotic media.”

Zimmerman recommends taking time to explore what you find erotic and then (if you’re in a relationship) sharing that with your partner—and asking them about their version of eroticism, too.

“Approach this with curiosity and a whole lot of openness rather than judgment or criticism. Then, play in any overlap you find,” she says. “This doesn’t mean you have to do the things you fantasize about, but you might find it hot to talk about, role-play, or fantasize together that it is happening or about to happen.”

5. Commit to some novelty.

If you’re in a long-term relationship, Zimmerman recommends making an active commitment as a couple to prioritize novelty.

“Decide you’re going to find something new to do together every month. You can change the location or setting, delve into each other’s sexual interests and fantasies and find something you haven’t done (or not done in a long time, anyway), or find a great yes/no/maybe list to get some ideas you may not have considered before,” she says. “Approach this with a spirit of adventure and exploration; it doesn’t have to go without a hitch.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to foot play

By

Feet are immensely popular in the bedroom.

In fact, a recent survey by the sex toy brand Lelo revealed that feet are the top body part to play with, apart from genitals.

But if you’re a newbie podophile – the official term for someone who is sexually aroused by trotters – it can be hard to know where to begin, or how to tell your lover that you want to worship their feet.

To help us explore this kink and the many ways it can be enjoyed, we asked sex experts to share their top advice.

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, the sex toy website, explains that our feet are erogenous zones – these beauties are packed with 7,000 nerve endings (which is also what makes them so ticklish).

Enjoying foot play isn’t necessarily about having a foot fetish, as the latter can be linked to psychological enjoyment, with some people using feet as humiliation or power play.

So, how to begin… ?

How to tell your partner you want to try foot play

Camilla Constance, a sex and intimacy expert, explains that you need to create a safe space where there’s no judgement – focus on keeping an open mind.

‘Talking about what you truly desire is one of the most intimate things you can do,’ she says.

‘Creating a safe container to have this talk is critical, so you need to follow a few simple rules:

‘1. Whatever you say inside the container will be listened to with love and respect and not be used as ammunition in an argument at a later date. This is critical for building safety and trust. 

‘2. Inside the container you listen without interrupting or answering. That does not mean the person speaking gets to experience their desire, it means they get to express their desire.

‘I suggest you agree to talk in a place you both feel safe and unthreatened, e.g sitting face-to-face or next to each other in bed. You clear a period of time for each other, (no TV, no phone, no computer…) just the two of you.

‘And you take it in turns to ask each other to express your desires (everything you desire to experience in your sex/relationship), fears (everything that causes you fear, anxiety or worry in your sex/ relationship) and loves (everything you love about your partner).’

Once the chat is done – and if you are both happy to proceed with foot play – the fun begins.

Give an erotic foot massage

Grab a bottle of oil or lotion, and start with a foot massage – but make sure your trotters are fresh before you shove them in your partner’s hands.

Annabelle says: ‘Only do what you’re comfortable with and give them a good scrub clean first – maybe by sharing a shower.

‘Start by offering your partner a foot rub. Work from the feet up and then back down again.

‘Make sure you get those nerve endings switched on and ready for action.’

Talk before you take it up a notch

If you’re interested in trying the BDSM aspect of foot play, such as being a foot slave or something else that is on the more extreme end of the fetish, clear it with your partner first.

‘If the kind of foot play you’re looking for goes beyond the desire for a simple, romantic massage, then a conversation needs to be had up front about whether you and your partner are both comfortable with it,’ adds Stuart Nugent, sex expert at Lelo.

‘Make sure you’re on the same page regarding the dynamics involved, especially if there are elements of domination and submission implied by what you want to do, or have done.

‘This isn’t the time for surprises, and it’s the worst time to discover that a partner has a serious but secret aversion to feet.’

Kiss your way to the treasure

As Stu mentioned, the best way to fulfil fantasies – foot fetish or not – is to talk to your sexual partner.

However, if you want, you can also use your body, or in this case mouth, to hint at what you’re after.

Annabelle says; ‘Try kissing down your partner’s inner thighs, use your oiled hands to stroke their feet, gently kiss the arches of their soles and begin licking and sucking their toes.’

But pay attention to their body cues, if they start to flinch when you kiss their ankles ask before you proceed.

Set the mood

‘Let’s assume that you’re both comfortable with feet, that consent has been sought and obtained, and that you’re ready to start,’ says Stu.

‘Prepare the space indulgently and sensuously, with scented candles and mood-lighting, and with some background music.

‘Don’t overlook this, it can make all the difference – a foot massage can be highly erotically charged, but for it to work effectively, you need create the right atmosphere.’

Get a manicure and throw on the heels

To get yourself in the mood, prepare your feet for the occasion.

Get a snazzy manicure (at home, until lockdown is over) and then wear your finest heels. Or pull on a pair of lace stay-ups and wear a cute toe ring, whatever works to put the attention on the lowest part of your body.

Different people prefer different shoes, so try various pairs – from stilettos to kitten heels or even loafers, if that’s your jam.

In the BDSM community, high heels are common as these are a sign of power in the wearer, either in a strappy style or a boot.

Camilla says: ‘For some a big part of foot play is the “stockings in sexy heels to naked” play.

‘Let me share a secret with you: those gorgeous sexy high heels you can’t walk in?

‘They weren’t designed for walking…they were designed for removing!

‘Lie back and enjoy having your shoes and stockings removed slowly, with gentle kisses all the way down your legs and covering your feet. Bliss.’

Join a foot party

Once the pandemic is over and we’re allowed to be within two metres of other people again, sign up for a foot party.

The aptly named London Foot Party regularly hosts events where you can delight in all things toes, ankles and more, including being trampled by beautiful models.

And since you’ll know that everyone is a fan of feet, you can let loose on those trotters.

Ask your partner to wash your feet for you

Or vice versa.

‘It’s deeply sensual (and very honouring) to have your feet washed by your partner, maybe make this a part of your erotic play,’ says Camilla.

To take the foot washing up a notch, choose a scented body wash that you both enjoy.

Watch foot porn for inspiration

From foot jobs to people being penetrated by toes, to people worshipping toes and close-ups of women putting their neatly-pedicured feet on car pedals while wearing sexy shoes, the porn industry has pretty much every fantasy you can imagine.

Use it as inspiration or perhaps ask your partner if they’d be keen to watch it with you.

Give a foot job

Once you’ve watched a video on how to give a foot job, why not give it a try?

Camilla says: ‘Feet are super sensitive, be aware of this if you are the giving partner.

‘If you are the receiving partner, try not to respond in your conditioned way (pulling them away) but instead get curious.’

Gently rub your toes up and down your partner’s genitals – but if this is the first time, ask before you do this. Use lube to ease the friction.

If your other half has a penis, use both your feet – one on either side – to wank them off.

You can also involve the balls, but be easy on the pressure – though some men do like having them ‘crushed’ or squashed. But even then, be gentle so that you or your partner don’t end up in A&E.

If your other half has a vagina you could slide your toes across their clitoris or try ‘toeing’ them (i.e. the foot version of fingering).

‘Keep in mind that all sensual play enjoyed before penetration is a sensual turn-on for women and builds orgasmic energy in our bodies,’ adds Camilla.

‘The more your turn on her whole body the greater her orgasm will be. Feet are no different.’

Go running before sex

Some podophiles not only enjoy the look of a sexy foot, but also, the scent.

Fresh sweat in men releases the pheromone androstenone, which is said to turn women on, but some people enjoy stale sweat scents too – that of smelly socks for instance.

You can even make money off your pungent footwear; one woman claims to earn £100,000 a year selling her foul-smelling garments.

And having a strong sense of smell whole could give you stronger orgasms, according to a Germany study.

There you have it – get your foot play on.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!