Category Archives: Sex In The News

The Open Relationship Model

Podcasts will resume next Monday, September 6th.

Deviating from the norm. Is it worth it?

Since the launch of the Sex EDGE-U-cation podcast series in early 2009; I’ve been hearing from a lot of people who are considering opening their relationships to include additional partners to augment their primary relationships. People point to the increasing media attention polyamory is garnering as a way of justifying their interest.

It’s true; polyamory is enjoying an efflorescence in popular culture these days. But this mirrors the spike in interest that swinging had a couple of decades ago. This suggests to me that there is a fissure at the foundation of the dominant relationship model of the monogamous heterosexual, reproductive pair. All the sociological underpinnings of why our culture promotes this paradigm aside, I think it is undeniable that there is a level of dissatisfaction on the part of many who initially bought into this model as the only way to live, love and raise small herds of children. But is it?

People may feel trapped in the traditional expression of a committed relationship. But while they may be second-guessing the party line, they are equally wary of throwing open the doors in a haphazard way, and rightfully so.

I’ve been reading a lot about polyamory lately. It seems it’s the topic du jour in all the women’s magazines. Do open relationships really work?
—Cameron

For starters, the viability of an open relationship depends on the maturity level of the people who are considering opening up their sexually exclusive relationship. And how much they’re willing to work at communicating with one another through all the little details that such a decision entails. One thing for sure, I am willing to go on record to say that the devil, in this case, really is in the details.

That being said, there are a few things us sex researchers know for sure. In most cultures, people claim to practice sexual exclusivity, which is commonly referred to as monogamy. Although I think that’s a misnomer. Monogamy literally means having one union, which as we all know tells us nothing about the sexual expression either or both partners are supposedly sharing in.

Lifetime sexual exclusivity (being sexually involved with only one person for one’s entire life) is rare. Serial sexual exclusivity (having a series of exclusive relationships over one’s life) is much more common. And despite knowing that we humans do not mate for life, we continue to presume that sexual exclusivity, or monogamy is the only legitimate form of coupling.

This, unfortunately, leads to our culture’s obsession with cheating—that is, having sex with someone outside of a monogamous relationship. And frankly, what I know about humans, human relationships and human sexuality; I can say for certain that fidelity is not necessarily a genital issue. One can indeed be faithful to someone else and still have the freedom to express him/herself sexually with others. It happens all the time. In these cases, fidelity is to the relationship and the agreements, parameters and boundaries mutually agreed upon by the partners. Which gets me back to my opening comment about the need for communication. Of course, it’s much easier to presume that everyone in a relationship is working under the same rubric, but that kind of presumption is a fool’s paradise.

Another shortcoming of setting up sexual exclusivity or monogamy as the only legitimate type of coupling is that it diminishes all the other types of relationships that flourish, albeit in a more covert way. And here I’m talking about an array of open relationship models—and polyamory. The fact that we’re only now hearing about these non-traditional relationships shouldn’t suggest to you, or anyone, that they don’t exist; or that they aren’t practical alternatives to the traditional monogamous model, or that they aren’t practiced by a lot of people. They do and they are! It just means that most people in non-traditional relationships know not to go public in a society that would denigrate them for their lifestyle choices. That’s how things are here in the good old US of A; and I’ll wager it’s also true for the rest of the world. Am I right, or am I right?

Open relationships and polyamorous relationships work because the people in them adhere to some basic tenets about how to conduct themselves.

First among them is the notion that these alternative relationships must be chosen; they can’t be mandated. If one or another of the persons considering an open or poly relationship is being pressured to go along with the flow, or is fearful that he/she will be alone if he/she doesn’t comply with the will of the other(s). That kind of emotional duress will not work.

Each person in the relationship needs to take responsibility for the choices he/she is making. If you’re not up for the task, or if this kind of arrangement is not compatible with your personality type, don’t attempt to override that. You will only jeopardize the relationship for the other(s) involved. However, if the idea appeals to you, give it your best shot. I can guarantee that it will be a learning experience. Just remember, exploring something and having it carved in stone are two very different things.

Second, communication is key. The more complex the relationship structure, the greater the need for open lines of communication. Know your boundaries and express them clearly. Ask questions; never assume you know something when you don’t.

Third, know yourself! You must be able to deal with your emotions, particularly jealousy, in an up-front, adult way. This is often much easier said than done. If you need to be the center of attention just so you can feel good about yourself, or you have serious territorial issues—this is mine, this is mine, and THIS is mine!—then alternative relationship models are probably not for you.

Know what keeps you even keel in terms of what you need and what you are able to give. There has got to be a healthy tension between these two things. If you’re the kind who gives too much and resents not being rewarded for your gifts, stay away from alternative relationships. Or if you are so needy that you can’t stand it when someone else is enjoying his/her time in the sun; open or poly relationships are decidedly not for you.

You should also know that alternative relationships, of whatever stripe, are, for the most part, on the fringes of what society will accept. And some are outright taboo. This doesn’t mean you will have to slug it out on your own in a vacuum of support. On the contrary, you will, no doubt, find that the people who are living contrary to the expectations of the popular culture are often a whole lot more generous with their support and compassion then those following all the rules.

You will find that your support system will shift from more traditional sources like traditional family, church and community to alternative sources like clubs and social groupings of other like-minded individuals as yourself. A common mistake made by those in non-traditional relationships is to take their problems and issues to their traditional support systems. This rarely works because the traditional support system will inevitably blame the non-traditional relationship setup for the problem. This is not true, of course, but how would those in traditional relationships know otherwise.

I always suggest that those in non-traditional relationships bring their issues to a non-traditional support system. Here you are less likely to encounter judgments about your life choices and more help with overcoming the problems at hand.

In the end, it’s your call. Are the potential rewards as well as challenges associated with an open relationship worth taking more than the voyeuristic peek behind the curtain that the women’s magazines provide you?

Good luck!

More of Megan Andelloux – Podcast #222 – 07/28/10

Hey sex fans,

My friend and colleague, everyone’s favorite Sexual Health Educator, Megan Andelloux. is back with us this week with more of her signature SEX WISDOM. I am so happy to have her here again this week for Part 2 of our conversation about what’s new and exciting in the field of sexology.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 or our conversation that appeared here last week at this time, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the site’s search function to your right; type in Podcast #220 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

Megan and I discuss:

  • The sex “addiction” controversy.
  • Celebrity sex scandals.
  • Sex toys — health concerns and green toys.
  • Circumcision.
  • The G-spot debate.
  • Female ejaculation.
  • Age appropriate sex education.
  • Sex and aging.
  • Her sexual heroes.
  • The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health

Be sure to check out Megan’s fun and informative website HERE! And to learn more about her nonprofit organization, The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health, on their website HERE

See another slideshow of Megan & friends at work and play.

Click on the thumbnails below.

[nggallery id=79]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: : Dr Dick’s Stockroom.

drdicksstockroom.jpg

Sex EDGE-U-cation with Clayton Hibbert — Podcast #199 – 04/14/10

Hey sex fans,

I have another ridiculously wonderful program for you today. And it’s one of them twofer shows, don’t cha know. My guest, our conversation and the theme of this podcast easily falls into both the Sex EDGE-U-cation and The Erotic Mind series. I mean, who doesn’t like to get two bangs for his buck?

I have the honor of welcoming a man of distinction here in the Emerald City, I have here with me the oh so talented Clayton Hibbert. He is the Artistic Director for the upcoming Seattle Erotic Art Festival.

Despite the fact that this world-class event is only days away and the demands on his time are exceptionally pressing; he agreed to sit down with me to discuss the festival, how it works, the gargantuan behind the scenes effort to mount a three-day extravaganza like this and what visitors to the festival can expect this year.

Clayton and I discuss:

Clayton invites you to visit the Seattle Erotic Art Festival website HERE!

See a slideshow of some highlights from past festivals.

[nggallery id=68]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

 

Sex Wisdom with Andrew Epstein — Podcast #195 – 03/24/10

Hey sex fans,

This here is a SEX WISDOM podcast, don’t cha know. The series where we chat with researchers, educators, clinicians, pundits and philosophers who are making news and reshaping how we look at our sexual selves. And today I have something astonishing for you. What if I told you I could introduce you to someone who, through his photography, chronicled our cultural history for the better part of last half-century and is still doing so today? And since a huge part of our cultural history is our sex history, he is the ideal guest for this series.

My guest is none other than Andrew Epstein, photographer, artist, illustrator, art director and cultural raconteur. He is here to chat with us about his life’s work; the people he’s known (and loved) who have changed the course of our society. Among them; Richard Schmiechen, Edmond White, Teri Garr, Roger Ebert, Ann Landers Bette Midler, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert Mapplethorpe, Mary Kay Place, Ann Bannon, Grace Jones, Margo St. James, Jeff Bridges, Fred Halstead, Tom of Finland, Leonard Matlovich and Peter Allen. This conversation is not to be missed!

Andrew and I discuss:

Andrew invites you to visit him on his main site HERE! Or on his blog HERE!

Click on the thumbnail images below to see a slideshow of some of Andrew’s work.

[nggallery id=65]

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Check out The Lick-A-Dee-Split Connection. That’s Dr Dick’s toll free podcast voicemail HOTLINE. Don’t worry people; no one will personally answer the phone. Your message goes directly to voicemail.

Got a question or a comment? Wanna rant or rave? Or maybe you’d just like to talk dirty for a minute or two. Why not get it off your chest! Give Dr Dick a call at (866) 422-5680.

DON’T BE SHY, LET IT FLY!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

PRIDE 2009

Happy PRIDE Everyone!

SEO Powered by Platinum SEO from Techblissonline
Get Adobe Flash player