— Historians Look at How People Got It On in the Dark Ages
The adjective medieval tends to conjure up vivid and sometimes off-putting images, not least when applied to sex. But how many of us have any sense at all of what the real people of the Middle Ages got up to in bed? To get one, we could do worse than asking historian Eleanor Janega, teacher of the course Medieval Gender and Sexuality and host of the History Hit video above, “What Was Sex Really Like For Medieval People?” In it, Janega has first to make clear that, yes, medieval Europeans had sex; if they hadn’t, of course, many of us wouldn’t be here today. But we’d be forgiven for assuming that the seemingly absolute dominance of the Church quashed any and all of their erotic opportunities.
According to the medieval Church, Janega says, “the only time sex is acceptable is between two married people for procreative purposes.” Its many other restrictions included “no sex on Saturdays and Sundays in case you’re too turned on during mass; only have sex in the missionary position, because anything else subverts the natural relationship between men and women; don’t get fully naked during sex, because it’s just too exciting; in short, during sex, you should be trying to have the least amount of fun possible.” Strict and unambiguous though these rules were, “nobody really listened to them” — and what’s more, given the lack of private spaces, “sex was almost a public affair in the Middle Ages.”
So says Kate Lister, who researches the history of sexuality, and who turns up to bring her own knowledge of the subject to the party. “We tend to think about medieval people as being real prudes,” says Janega, but even scant historical records — and rather more copious erotic manuscript marginalia — show that “they were interested in all kinds of sex and romance that we would find completely unacceptable.” Lister adds that, “in many ways, we’re not open like the medieval people were. We don’t have public communal bathing. We don’t have sex in the same room as other people. We don’t go to a high-brow dinner party and tell pubic-hair jokes.” Or we don’t, at least, if we haven’t devoted our careers to the sexuality of the Middle Ages, a field of history clearly unfit for prudes.
From the very beginning, people on the internet have been obsessed with sex.
That’s the argument laid out in a new book by journalist Samantha Cole, How Sex Changed the Internet and the Internet Changed Sex. Cole digs through early internet history to show how sexual content and communities were part of the internet from its earliest days and had a profound effect on how the online space deals with identity, community, and consent. From identity play on early bulletin board sites to the rise of online pornography as an industry unto itself, Cole makes the case that you can’t make sense of the internet without sex — even if today’s major platform companies would like to.
Content note: This interview describes multiple sexual practices in straightforward language. Readers who are uncomfortable with these topics should use discretion.
The book makes the case that sex was a fundamental part of the internet from the very beginning. Why do you think that is?
It’s just such a part of human nature to want to connect as deeply as possible to other people, whether it’s online or not — and the internet opened up a new venue for that. Suddenly people could be whoever they wanted to be. They could take on these personas that were different from who they were away from the keyboard. They could express themselves in a way they never had before. For a lot of people, that branches out into sexuality almost immediately.
“What level of reality do you want to experience through the internet?”
It’s interesting reading those old message boards where people describe themselves as mythological creators or blobs or whatever they wanted to be. Then they would have these really deep, interesting, philosophical conversations about love and sex and relationships. In many cases, they would meet up and go on dates after that. Sometimes they got married and had kids. I say in the book, there are real people walking around who only exist because these bulletin board systems connected their parents.
There’s an immediate security concern there because you have people adopting pseudonyms to share information that’s otherwise really private. But it seems like, at this stage, the internet didn’t have a ton of tools for keeping your identity private.
Right — just to get in the door of a BBS like this, you had to call someone on the phone and give them your name and credit card info. So it was tangibly personal between you and the admin. Once you were inside, a lot of them would let you use whatever name you wanted, but there were other communities that would demand you use your name. Others would have you put your email address at the end of every post so people could contact you directly. It’s an interesting divide: what level of reality do you want to experience through the internet? But the more sexualized communities really emerged when people were using the internet to pretend to be something they wished they were or wanted to try.
How much does this change when you get into the contemporary internet, built on companies like Google and Facebook that are able to treat sexual content very differently?
It gets really complicated when you go from a single person running their hobbyist bulletin board scanning Playboy pictures to this huge machine of moderators making decisions. People can get really frustrated not having a central person to talk to about what’s happening on this platform that is a big part of their life. So that definitely has been a huge shift. We have these huge monopolies that are just running the show for us now, and it’s hard not to feel like you don’t have any of that control left.
“The conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it.”
At the same time, these companies are now beholden to payment processors and banks, and so they have to push all of this stuff off of their platform, in many cases, because of those financial obligations. So just seeing that change, it’s hard not to imagine the internet is going to keep getting more sanitized and less sexual.
You describe a lot of early moments of sex panic in a way that seems very similar to what we see now — but then, in other places, the internet seems to have made people more accepting. Do you think the conversation over moderating sexual content is changing?
People are definitely more aware of the legal landscape. If you asked the average person in the late ’90s if they knew about something like the Communications Decency Act, they would have no idea what you were talking about. But now, lots of people have real opinions about Section 230 and are really read up on this stuff. It’s all a lot more visible, and the conversation is getting more heated because everyone has a stake in it. You have so many more people relying on the internet for their jobs, sexual or not. So people are paying attention now in a way that they haven’t been in previous decades
What about the second part of the title, how the internet changed sex? All through the book, you can see people getting turned on to new things or exploring themselves in ways that wouldn’t have been possible offline. Do you think the internet has made our sex lives more specific or extreme?
I think having access to communities of like-minded people can really be world-changing. I researched a lot about fetish and kink communities, and for a lot of people, before they found those communities, they thought they were the only ones. So it’s been really interesting to see that grow up with the internet. Suddenly, you have thousands and thousands of people reading forums about their specific fetish and talking about what they’re into and why they’re into it.
One thing that really surprised me was these forums about how to suck your own dick. People were just trading tips and advice about how to do it, exercises to do. You would never have access to that kind of information without the internet because, first of all, you would never say it out loud to someone, just hoping they were into it. But suddenly, you have access to all these people all over the world who are like, “Yes, I want to trade advice about how to suck my own dick.”
That one was actually too vulgar for the book.
Do you think the internet is creating these desires or just making it safe to express them?
It can be hard to tell. You can definitely discover something new that you didn’t know you were into. Or you might realize you were into it all along, and you didn’t know it.
One of the stories I wrote recently was about people who were into blueberries and blueberrification. A lot of them were into this because they had watched Charlie & the Chocolate Factory when they were kids and said, “Oh, that made me feel a way,” and carried that with them for years without telling anyone. Then they get online, and they see there are a lot of people who also feel this way. That’s a transformational change. It’s not just, “I found this thing I didn’t know I was into,” but also “Now I can really express myself and buy a blueberry suit because I see other people are doing it, too.”
Having that community makes you feel less weird. It’s less isolating. I think that’s a huge part of why people have so much shame about their sexuality and their porn use. They feel like they’re the only one who wants this. When you find out you’re not the only one, that can be revolutionary.
Mushrooms and sex don’t seem like obvious bedfellows – but the pair are the latest libido-boosting trend to make some noise. Last month, sexual wellness company Runi launched a sex serum, the ‘Play Primer’, which is infused with adaptogenic cordyceps and shiitake mushrooms along with CBD. What’s more, mushrooms’ pleasure-enhancing benefits are now being discussed on TikTok, and Harrods is selling a natural ‘blue pill’ for women that’s packed with extracts of the humble vegetable for a cool £1,100.
But what does the research say about whether mushrooms are really an aphrodisiac – in the same way that chocolate and oysters are purported to be? And should you be slurping them up in soup or as a plant-based burger filling like there’s no tomorrow? After all, they’re a well-known source of B vitamins, selenium, zinc, and copper as well as being rich in fibre and protein. Although, it’s worth noting that the ‘funghi’ effect on sexual wellness centres less on the food itself and more on the ingredient’s saucy compounds taken in supplement form.
Just to clarify that we’re not talking psychedelic ‘magic’ mushrooms – which create a hallucinogenic effect when consumed – but medicinal mushrooms. ‘This latter term refers to a group of mushrooms that are known to have powerful therapeutic properties,’ says Clarissa Berry, nutritionist for DIRTEA. ‘The most widely used include lion’s mane, cordyceps, reishi, chaga and turkey tail and many of these have been used in traditional Chinese and Ayurvedic medicine for thousands of years.’
How do they work? ‘Research is now beginning to explore the mechanisms, but we understand that medicinal mushrooms act as adaptogens, which means that they help bring the body into a state of harmony and balance,’ explains Berry. ‘They increase resilience to stress and each have a host of other health benefits, including the ability to regulate mood, improve sleep, sharpen focus, increase energy levels and boost immunity.’ Now, onto the even sexier stuff…
Which mushroom boosts sex drive?
While you may be under the very reasonable impression that mushroom types extend at most to ‘portobello’ and ‘white button’, that’s not quite the case when it comes to medicinal mushrooms. If you’re focused on sexual pleasure, then there’s one in particular that you need to know: cordyceps.
‘This mushroom has been used for thousands of years by Tibetans, Nepalese, Chinese and many other cultures as a potent natural aphrodisiac,’ explains Dr Naomi Newman-Beinart, a nutritionist and specialist in health psychology, who works with Link Nutrition. ‘Tibetan farmers first noticed the effects of cordyceps on libido when their yaks, while grazing on the fungus in the Himalayan mountains, began to display notable signs of increased energy, vitality and virility. They tried boiling it as a tea for themselves and never looked back.’
Exactly how does it help libido?
‘There is a growing body of evidence that shows cordyceps supplementation improves sex drive in women,’ says Berry. ‘For example, one study in China demonstrated an 86% increase in female libido.’ Other studies show similar and significant improvements in sexual desire and function. Research has found it to increase testosterone, while a review concluded that it could enhance libido and sexual performance.
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However, the research is still ongoing, so the exact mechanisms by which it can help aren’t yet clear. ‘It is thought that cordyceps supports the adrenal and reproductive organs, improving cellular energy production and oxygenation for holistic as well as libido-enhancing benefits,’ explains Dr Newman-Beinart. ‘These include improved stamina, physical and mental performance and clarity, energy levels, oxygenation and lung capacity and even stress management.’
However, because the research is still in the works, Giulia Guerrini, lead pharmacist at Medino, urges caution. ‘At the moment, there is no evidence that cordyceps can help with sexual dysfunction and fertility,’ she points out. ‘Some research on rats have shown that specific active compounds in the mushroom can impact testosterone and estradiol production. But so far the studies are too small and inconsistent for us to say anything about its ability to treat specific conditions.’ Although, this is not to say that a link between mushrooms and boosted sex drive won’t eventually be scientifically established.
What is the best way to harness its benefits?
This is entirely up to you. Most medicinal mushrooms are now available as a powder which can be mixed into drinks like hot water. The best quality use a ‘dual extraction’ process that ensures the beneficial active compound is protected, and are finely pulverised to ensure they are as bio-available as possible to the body.
‘Taking mushrooms internally is by far the most effective way to get the best out of them,’ explains Dr Newman-Beinart. While cordyceps – unlike various pharmaceutical alternatives – has no known side effects, obviously you should steer clear if you’re allergic to mushrooms.
As for cordyceps-infused arousal serum? It claims to work by being absorbed via your genital area directly into your bloodstream. ‘However, ingesting a pure cordyceps extract – under the tongue via the salivary glands – or in another form, such as an adaptogenic coffee, will ensure the active compounds reach your system and work their magic,’ notes Zain Peer, co-founder of London Nootropics.
Already taking medications? Guerrini advises checking with your GP or another medical professional before starting to supplement with cordyceps. And, if it’s not quite right for you, then here’s how yoga can help improve your sex life.
Tantric sex is a whole new way of being in sexual connection that allows you access to deeper levels of feeling, sensation, and energy, and ultimately more of who you really are.
This path is simple but profound: It’s about wholeheartedly celebrating the sacredness of our bodies and desires while bringing a quality of mindful awareness to the shared expression of pleasure.
It can help you release shame, trauma, and blocks around sex, unleashing the transformative power of your erotic energy and leading you to some of the most soul-shattering orgasms ever.
Through this holistic approach, sensuality also becomes a doorway to beingness, to the divine, and to a more intimate experience of the present moment.
What is tantric sex?
Tantric sex is a sexual practice that’s part of the ancient spiritual path known as tantra. Tantra (pronounced tahn-tra, with an ahh sound in that first syllable) is a Sanskrit term that translates to “weave.”
It refers to weaving together or uniting the masculine and feminine forces within all of us, heaven and earth, the human body with the transcendent, collapsing the polarities.
The purpose of tantra is to discover an ecstatic union with all of life beyond the separate sense of self. Sacred or tantric sex—an aspect of tantra—is seen as one doorway to that transcendent truth, once we learn how to harness it.
The simplest explanation of tantric intimacy is that it’s about bringing the fire of your sexual energy, passion, and desires into alignment with your heart, your spirit, and a sense of goodness in your life.
When these forces come into balance and harmony, the sparks of interpersonal magic really start flying, and sex becomes something healing, empowering, transcendent, and profoundly beautiful.
I’m talking about the kind of lovemaking that feels truly connected, aligned, massively powerful, and filled with the utmost respect and devotion between you and your partner.
This kind of intimacy evokes your highest self and leaves you overflowing with love. Time slows down, your intuition expands, and you can find yourself in nearly psychedelic realms of orgasmic possibility that you might have only heard about or imagined.
Sounds pretty good, huh?
Summary
Tantric sex is a sexual practice that’s part of the ancient spiritual path known as tantra. It focuses on bringing the fire of your sexual energy, passion, and desires into alignment with your heart, your spirit, and a sense of goodness in your life.
What happens during tantric sex
Tantric sex involves a wide array of erotic activities, not all of which involve the same kind of penetration and physical stimulation of erogenous zones that most people associate with sex.
A typical tantra session involves the subtle realms of sex, including slow embraces, gentle caresses, getting present within the body, and focusing on the movement of energy between the partners’ bodies.
Sometimes during tantric sex, you’re barely moving, and the focus is on the meditative, devotional dimension.
If you relax and take things slowly, or ramp up and slow down the action, you can make love for hours, and the enjoyment can just keep building.
People with penises might also explore practices like edging (getting close to orgasm and backing off), which builds their ability to last longer and hold more pleasure before flipping over into orgasm.
That said, all sexual energy can be tantric when done with awareness.
Tantric sex can dive into the raw, intense, and animalistic spaces, where the body’s instinctual intelligence takes over and you are blind to pleasure. Dominance and submission can be tantric as well.
Breathwork is also central to tantric sex; people might use their breath and awareness to move sexual energy throughout their whole body, awakening their capacity for full-body pleasure (rather than pleasure localized specifically in the genitalia).
Neotantra vs. classical tantra
Tantra stems back to at least the seventh century if not earlier, appearing in various forms and texts in Hindu, Buddhist, and Jain traditions.
But usually when Westerners use the word “tantra,” we are really talking about the field of “neotantra.”
There are various complex and rigorous spiritual paths of “classical tantra,” which aim at full spiritual awakening or enlightenment as the goal. These include Kashmir Shaivism, a strand of religious philosophies from Kashmir and India, and the Vajrayana Buddhist path of India and Tibet.
These paths often involve serious study and personal dedication, meditative practices, and can include various elements of ritual, such as the use of mantras, visualizations, and deity worship. Working with sexual energy was only a small part of the practice and was for advanced students only.
By contrast, neotantra has developed over the last 150 years and aims specifically at more fulfilling intimacy and connection, a deeper connection to one’s own body and emotions, healing trauma and blocks, and opening to greater states of orgasmic ecstasy.
This body of teachings has been deeply inspired by some of the core tenets of classical tantra, but it is important to acknowledge that much of what is taught and shared among modern tantric sex practitioners are not “ancient practices” in the literal sense, though meaningful and relevant in their own ways.
Tantric sex positions and practices to try
1. Create a sacred space
Consciously disconnect from the mundane world and enter the world of the Divine—the world of pleasure. Turn off devices, light candles or incense, and gather any special treats like chocolates or berries.
Purify yourself by showering and dressing in something lovely; purify your space by tidying up and putting away the laundry piles. It’s also best to skip or go light on the substances in order to be fully present.
Set intentions for this session of intimacy, such as, “My intention is to show you with my body how much I love you” or “I’m curious to explore deeply receiving.”
2. Eye gazing (or “soul gazing”)
In the powerful gaze of your partner, there is nowhere to hide, and you practice fully revealing yourself to the other with all that you feel and all that you are. You see them fully while at the same time letting yourself be seen.
Sit up straight on a pillow or chair facing your partner. You can look left eye to left eye or just gaze softly at both eyes, and you can also hold hands if you like. Let the love that is in your heart shine out through your eyes.
Gazing at your beloved, see the divine spark in their eyes, marveling at the pure life force that is animating them. Feel the sacredness of this simple moment together.
Try for two minutes. Notice what emotions or sensations come up, or if you feel tempted to look away. It isn’t a staring contest, so you can always close your eyes for a few seconds and then open them again.
3. Hands on hearts circuit
This one can often flow nicely after eye gazing. While sitting facing each other with a soft gaze, bring your hands to your own heart and breathe up into your heart.
As you feel the love that is welling up in your heart for your partner, reach across and place your right hand on your partner’s heart (with consent), and they can place their right hand on your heart.
Each person’s left hand then covers the hand on their own heart. Synchronize your breathing, with slow, deep, nourishing breaths.
On the inhale, receive breath and love into your own heart, and on the exhale, send that love from your heart down your right arm and into your partner’s heart, making a circuit of love and energy flowing between you. Do this for about 10 breaths.
4. Tantric massage
Tantric massages are another powerful part of tantric sex, one that can be the key to multiple orgasms for both people with clitorises and people with penises.
In a tantric massage, one partner gets to just lie back and receive, getting the chance to tune into their pleasure and sexual energy and see how it wants to open up through their body, while the other partner moves their hands slowly and meditatively along their body to let them feel every single new sensation.
Consider trying out the yoni massage (a tantric massage for the vagina and clitoris), lingam massage (a tantric massage for penises), and tantric nipple play.
5. The yab-yum position
This classic tantric sex position represents the union of Shiva and Shakti, the two divine energies of masculine and feminine. But remember these are just energies, and it doesn’t matter the gender of the participants. Even for relationships between cis men and cis women, it’s powerful to practice switching between each role.
The base partner (representing Shiva, who is energetically or physically penetrative) sits cross-legged on a pillow in the “holding” position while the other partner (representing Shakti, who is energetically or physically receptive) can either drape their legs over their partner’s legs with their butt on the bed or a pillow or can fully sit in the lap of their partner. The base partner’s arms should go around the waist of the other partner, whose arms go around the shoulders of the base partner. Your heads can be cheek to cheek, or you can touch forehead to forehead. This position aligns the chakras of the partners and allows for sexual energy to move upward along the spine.
Once you come into alignment, start by taking a few deep, slow breaths together, synchronizing your breathing. Then begin to move together in slow undulations, arching, swirling in circles, finding a flow and a rhythm that feels delicious, activating your sexual energy together. The base partner “gives” to the partner on top who is “receiving” that energy up into their body.
Connect with your breath to expand the pleasure and sexual energy throughout the entire body, lighting up every cell with that life force. You can try staying with smaller, subtle movements or get as vigorous as you like, but either way, use your breath to draw orgasmic energy from your pelvis up the spine and up to your third eye (the spot between your eyebrows) or crown (the top of the head) and beyond.
This position can be practiced fully clothed, naked, or in whatever form of penetration you like. You can even learn to have full-body energy orgasms—with no penetration whatsoever—while remaining fully clothed, though that might take a little more practice!
The purpose of tantric sex
There can be a whole array of goals and expectations around sex that put pressure on us to be a certain way, as well as routines and habits that keep us stuck in a sexual rut.
Tantra is about throwing all of that out the window and starting fresh with a beginner’s mind, redefining sex by making it more about intimacy, connection, and playful possibility rather than a race to the orgasm or a box to be checked.
When you let go of goals like “getting someone off” or achieving anything in particular, there is literally endless room for discovery and such a wide range of what is possible.
And whatever you’re experiencing now in terms of orgasm, you can safely assume there is way more to experience through tantric sex—more powerful orgasms, longer-lasting orgasms, non-ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms for men, numerous kinds of orgasms for women, deep states of surrender, visionary states, and states of oneness with your partner and life itself.
Sacred sexuality can also be an integral part of the path of awakening and personal evolution.
Various spiritual teachers have admitted that orgasm is an experience that gives us a glimpse of divinity because there’s a melting of the regular egoic self in those moments of communion.
Longer lovemaking sessions, relaxation, and a quality of spaciousness
Enhanced communication and communion
Holistic mind-body-spirit connection with yourself and with your partner
The takeaway
There are many myths about tantra that can make people feel like it’s not for them. But I feel inspired to teach tantra because I believe most people have a ton of their power and truth locked up in their sexuality, right alongside all the messed-up cultural conditioning and trauma most of us carry.
When people get aligned in their sexuality, when their sexual “life force” energy is fully activated in them and connected to their hearts and spirits, they can become the most thriving, unstoppable, and inspired versions of themselves to go actualize their purpose in the world.
The Discovery+true crime series House of Hammer, detailing the allegations surrounding Call Me By Your Name actor Armie Hammer, has raised a lot of questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, BDSM, kink, and ethics. The series, which opens with Hammer (who has denied these allegations) detailing his love of Japanese rope bondage, has also made some monumental mishaps in explaining how certain kinks and scenes within the BDSM community actually work. The series doesn’t ever address what these kinks actually are, or their important connection to Japan’s history and culture. Disappointed but not surprised.
Viewers of House of Hammer will understandably have questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, but those shouldn’t be answered by someone accused of committing acts of sexual violence. There are dangerous implications with allowing Hammer, an alleged abuser, to define and discuss any form of BDSM — and to conflate consensual sexual practice with abuse “Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, and inaccurately portrayed in the media.” Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, stigmatised, and inaccurately portrayed in the media, with many speaking out against titles like Bonding, How to Build a Sex Room, and Fifty Shades of Grey for tying problematic ideas to kink.
In reality, the BDSM community centres play of any kind around consent, respect and communication. And that’s especially true with Shibari.
What is Shibari?
Shibari, sometimes called Japanese rope bondage or “kinbaku” is a modern form of rope bondage which originated in Japan. The term “shibari” means “tying” and “kinbaku” means “tight binding.” The two are used interchangeably, and refer to the same type of play. Put simply, Shibari involves tying someone up with ropes. Sometimes this involves sex, with couples tying each other into certain positions and sometimes the fun is just about the tying itself. But historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.
Sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Planet Midori, tells Mashable: “It originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia.”
She explains that the practice is embedded in Japan’s ancient history. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated shackles into their sex, based on historic captivity measures, Japanese folks found inspiration in captured maidens.” Only, in Japan’s history, the restraint of choice was rope.
But today, Japan, Shibari is enjoyed by consenting adults in their private sex lives, as well as stage performances in kink-themed bars, and of course in porn. And it’s catching on in the West too, with kink and fetish clubs in the United Kingdom and mainland Europe embracing Shibari in play. It’s even got a thriving TikTok community.
Why are people into Shibari?
Midori explains that she personally loves Shibari because it’s so flexible, both literally and figuratively. “Shibari fits all bodies, and [the rope] can be woven into the process of creating a vast range of scenes and moods. It’s adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari – you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body on that day,” she tells Mashable.
Marika Leila Roux, co-founder and creative director of Shibari Study, who offer Shibari classes, says “Shibari is a way of communicating through rope and that makes it magical. It’s not just about memorising certain patterns or knots; instead, shibari allows you to use things like how you handle your rope and different ways of using speed, tension and tempo to create different sensations and even emotions for your partner (or yourself).” She says that using rope in a way that’s playful, sensual, tender and a little challenging can help us examine our needs, desires and intentions as well as those of our partners.
How do I get started with Shibari?
Shibari isn’t something you can jump into head first without doing some required reading, learning and pre-sex communication first. It does literally involve rope after all, so safety is an important consideration.
Marika explains that the most important thing to learn when getting started is general safety, which is why Shibari Study offers a safety course for free. So, Shibari newbies, it’s time to crack out the books and maybe take a class or two. Marika says you should “invest serious effort into grasping the basic techniques. No one is going to master Shibari overnight, nor should they try to. I always recommend a ‘low and slow’ integration method.”
Thorough communication about wants, desires, boundaries and what you’re looking to get out of Shibari with any potential partners are also crucial before, during and after every Shibari session.
“There will always be some sort of risk when playing with ropes,” Marika notes, “but as long as you do your research and communicate clearly with your partners, you should be able to mitigate these risks and create a fun and enriching experience. Take the time to establish and update your own personal risk profile — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks and what they are comfortable with and be transparent with whoever you are tying with,” she adds.
Midori says that in terms of equipment, beginners should start with cotton rope as it’s softer on the skin and it’s easier to clean up. “Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustrations for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied.”
“Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing too,” she adds. “Sometimes knots simply get too tight to undo easily, or the person being tied up might want to get out quickly.”
She also recommends steering steadily into the world of complicated positions. While you’re still a beginner, and certainly during your first time, don’t try anything too crazy. “Start with your most favourite sex position, and try to tie your partner, or have them tie you, into that shape,” she says. She recommends starting with an easy, gentle placement too. “Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.” But don’t do anything too complicated on the first go, and don’t tie near the neck and head so the person being restrained can still breathe.
Is it cultural appropriation to do Shibari if I’m not Japanese?
Midori explains that, outside of Japan, in the past decade or so, Shibari has gone viral. With that increase in popularity, came some criticism of Westernised interpretations of the craft, along with “particular narratives about Shibari’s history.”
“Shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte,” Midori explains. “Others claim that Shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering’, Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation.”
“For people who don’t buy into those problematic narratives today, they can enjoy Shibari as part of their own variation of kinky bondage play,” she assures. “Is Shibari a spiritual practice in Japan? No. Might some Shibari lovers in Japan and the rest of the world find moments of emotional catharsis in Shibari? Sure. Do some of these folks make it their own form of spiritual exploration? Yes.” But she stresses that this isn’t unique to Shibari. It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission — to name a few.
“Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure.” She also adds that the social media side of Shibari can purposely make Shibari ropes look overly complex, but if it suits you, Shibari beginners are welcome to tie whatever ropes they can manage, and giggle their way through the process. It doesn’t have to be a serious situation. “You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties and maybe a simple body harness [which you can learn from coaches online or in a beginner’s Shibari class] is fine, good, and hot for most people.”
Ultimately, Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure. “It shouldn’t be intimidating or aggravating,” she says.
Despite certain documentaries and their perception of play, people who play with Shibari centre their experiences around communication, respect and consent, be it about BDSM or the rope work alone. It should go without saying, but Shibari should never be used to abuse someone. Though it’s derived from images of captivity, the practice is a far cry from this. Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present. If you want to be a part of it, seek out a qualified coach to show you the ropes, a trusted partner, and let out your spicy side.
The entrance to Super Funland, an erotically themed amusement carnival at the NYC Museum of Sex. The museum describes its mission as intending to “preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.”
“I hope you leave feeling different than when you came in!” a cheery museum attendant calls to a group of people as they exit a small theater labeled “Tunnel of Love,” having just finished experiencing a “four-dimensional, abstract, artistic rendition of an orgy.”
Equal parts education, art and entertainment, the Museum of Sex draws attendees in with its playful advertising and taboo subject nature, with an interior that sparks thoughtful conversation about a wide range of topics. Queer identities and inclusion, the entertainment industry, pregnancy, abortion and sexual exploitation are all explored through historical artifacts, film and art. The museum describes its mission as intending to “preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.”
The museum spans four floors and is cyclical in nature, both beginning and ending in a large gift shop. After entering through the store, there is a staircase that leads to the first floor, which is made up of a large room full of historical paraphernalia housed behind little windows. There seems to be no categorical order to the items, which include adult toys and clothing, anatomical models, OBGYN tools and explicit “how-to” guides. Many of these items were donated to the museum from personal collections of important activists in queer and sexual liberation scenes. All items are accompanied by notecards that not only explain the inventions and functions of the artifacts themselves, but also the historical and political context of the time they were made and any controversies that may have arisen due to their creation.
NYC’s sex museum invites you to take a risqué ride through history!
The second floor is an art gallery currently showing an exhibit titled “F*ck Art: The Body and its Absence.” The exhibit showcases pieces of art that explore themes of sexuality and identity from artists of many different cultural backgrounds, including works by Native American 2Spirit, Latinx, African American, Asian, Caribbean and Queer and Disabled artists. Many of these artists are also native New Yorkers. The gallery includes sculpture, painting, photography, mixed media and film pieces that display a variety of attitudes towards sex and sexual liberation.
The third floor currently houses an exhibit called “Porno Chic to Sex Positivity: Erotic Content & the Mainstream.” This exhibit explores the history of sex and sexual exploitation in American media starting from the 1960s, all the way up to that of the current day. The room begins with walls of magazine advertisements and props from television commercials with notecards that detail the sexual controversy that followed their airing. The tales of outrage were spurred by anything from the sexual exploitation of women to the placement of women in traditionally male positions of sexual power.
Past these artifacts there is a theater proudly displaying a banner with the words “Scandalous Scenes of Cinema” printed across it. Inside the theater, visitors are welcome to sit and watch both implicitly and explicitly sexual clips from mainstream movies that have scandalized audiences since their airing. Along the back wall of the room, behind the cinema, is a series of tall stalls labeled respectively with a decade. Aiming to present the evolution of sex as heard in music, visitors can step inside a stall to listen to music and watch the accompanying music video from each decade. The final wall of the room is dedicated to artifacts, much like the first floor, but relating to sexuality specifically within the music industry.
The third floor serves not only as the final floor of the museum, but the first floor of “Super Funland,” the accompanying amusement to the museum and the reason so many bachelorette parties frequent the building. Super Funland echoes the three-floor nature of the museum, but flowing down the stairs instead of up. To enter Super Funland, visitors are guided down a hallway featuring old carnival pictures and mirrored dioramas depicting the underground, risqué history of carnivals while they wait to be seated for the next showing of a six minute film about the history of the carnival, starting from ancient Greek times all the way up to today. After the film, the museum’s very own “Erotic Carnival” begins.
After exiting the film there is a large hallway with kaleidoscopic video footage from Coney Island that leads to a room of traditional carnival games — with a rather provocative twist. In Skee-ball visitors are assigned a different “God of Sex” as their icon, claw machines contain sperm and eggplant shaped pillows, the bounce house is fashioned out of balloons shaped like female breasts, and the entrance to the “Tunnel of Love” promises viewers an incredibly unique, four dimensional experience.
Going down the stairs to the second floor, one will immediately be welcomed by a spinning sign that says “Pornamatic,” where budding stars can step into a photo booth to see their faces on the — X-rated — silver screen. This room is perfect for couples, with a machine that dispenses wedding vows and rings, as well as a game where couples who kiss for at least thirty seconds can spin a wheel to win prizes. Most of the room is dominated by a collection of pink posts that you can climb up to reach a slide, with the entrance fashioned to look like a red-painted mouth.
The slide is long, winding and contains rainbow multicolored lights that blink wildly as you slip down to the first floor. The first floor contains the museum’s bar, as well as several themed photo booths and a few more carnival games. Exiting will bring you back into the same gift shop that houses the entrance, though with a renewed sense of wonder at all of the items within.
Overall, the Museum of Sex does a wonderful job of balancing “business and pleasure,” ensuring an educational, but never dull, experience for its attendees. Tickets include both museum and Superfunland admission, as well as one round of each carnival ride and game. It’s easy to win little knick-knacks for free as souvenirs, in case a friend asks you what you were up to this weekend. The elevator is currently non-operational due to ongoing repairs, so anybody in need of accessible accommodation is encouraged to call ahead to ensure a smooth experience. Admission is solely for those 18 and up.
If you’re here you are probably the right mix of open-minded and curious to want to find out what pegging is, exactly. Maybe you had a partner ask you about trying it when you mix things up, a match on a dating app with a love for anal play mentioned it in passing or maybe you watched the now-iconic pegging episode of Broad City and it caught your attention. That’s not at all surprising.
Now, we’re not here (nor are we ever here) to pass judgement on what anyone likes in bed or who they do it with, provided all parties involved are grown-up, game and thoroughly into it. So if you’re looking for pearl clutching, finger wagging or whatever, this probably isn’t going to be the strap-on festooned post for you. Sorry!
But we are here to explain pegging to the thus far uninitiated. And, really, it’s not that scary or scandalous at all.
So what is pegging?
The term “pegging” was first coined by Dan Savage all the way back in 2001 to describe when a cisgender man is penetrated by a partner who is a cis-female using a strap-on. But as attitudes around gender and gendered roles of who “naturally” gives and receives penetration have evolved, enlightened and grown up, the term is now used to describe most penetration with a strap-on (which is just a two-piece sex toy that includes a dildo for penetrating and a harness to keep it on the person doing said penetrating).
Not to make it all sound underwhelming or uninteresting, because it most certainly isn’t that! But what is referred to as “pegging” is also literally just how some people with some body parts have intercourse depending on who likes what sensations. So that’s to say that it’s not particularly kinky or (snort) deviant in the realm of sexual pleasure humans enjoy — so, while there’s no reason to feel shame for any of your desires, there’s additionally no reason to feel weird or shameful about being into it.
How does it work?
We’ll have a variety of answers to this one because bodies and tastes are so wonderfully diverse! But the short answer is: Like any other kind of penetration.
For people taking their first steps into anal play in general, I’d very much advise you pick up a toy and anal-friendly lubricant
— as that hole is not self-lubricating and not all lubes play well with sex toys— and some fun toys of varying sizes(with flared bases please!) to get started. This will help all partners get a feel for what they like, what feels good and what maybe gets to the edge of their comfort zones. You definitely start with a thorough conversation and negotiation of those comfort zones and maybe a finger before getting too deep (literally or figuratively) with additional toys.
Once you’re sure you’re comfortable and sure you’re both into it, you’ll want to invest in a strap-on with the right fit: You’ll want something that can be hands-free, comfortable (there are inclusive sizes available at a lot of your favorite sex toy retailers!) and provide the giver with the pleasure they want and that also has a dildo — or several — that aligns with what their partner being penetrated would like to experience.
There are smaller strap-ons designed for beginners that are less intense and girthy, so don’t freak out if you come across something that seems too big early on in your shopping experience. Feel free to search out “small strap ons for pegging” too and see if you can’t find something that feels like a fit. There might be some trial and error along the way and that’s totally fine!
From there, you’ll just want to make sure you’re practicing safe and responsible sexual citizenship: Use a safe-word or stoplight system if you feel it’s necessary (the red, yellow and green can be helpful for making each step a little more explicit and bypass some awkward fumbling), check in with your partner throughout the actual intercourse and aftercare, practice good sex toy hygiene which, in addition to thoroughly cleaning your toys, means using condoms if you would otherwise be using condoms.
Why does it feel good?
Again, the exact mechanics of what feels good and why will vary depending on the biological equipment each individual is packing and their own tastes. But the short answer is: All kinds of bodies have nerve endings in strategic places that will get stimulated from this kind of play.
For people with penises and prostates the pleasure from being on the receiving end of penetrative sex takes place in the prostate, primarily. Often referred to as the P-spot or the male G-spot (though, to be clear, not everyone with a prostate is a male!), the prostate is the gland that produces some of the fluids in semen, as WebMD notes, and is surrounded by nerve endings that can be an awesome source of pleasure and even cause orgasms when it’s stimulated or massaged either through penetration or via stimulating the perineum (the area between the scrotum and the anus).
So pegging is a great opportunity to achieve that pleasure via penetration (usually with a toy, once the receiver is ready for one). But these folks might also benefit from the friction and thrust if they’re in a face-down position, so it can be an experience with tons of opportunities for stimulation. Strap-ons can also be used by people with penises who either don’t want to or can’t penetrate the way they’d like to with theirs (particularly for people dealing with cases of Erectile Dysfunction) or other organic penetration issues. Some are even cool for double penetration!
Meanwhile people with vulvas on the giving end (whether penetrating another partner with a vulva or penetrating any partner anally), the pleasure is all about the clitoral stimulation you get from grinding against the toy (not unlike dry-humping). Some also have vibrating functions, of which we’re obviously fans. People with vulvas receiving this kind of penetration probably doesn’t need explaining, but rest assured: It feels good for them too!
Particularly if you’re someone who was socialized as a cis-man and internalized the scripts about consistently being the giver of penetration and pleasure (or socialized as a cis-woman to believe you’re meant to only be the receiver), there’s an excitement and validation that comes with flipping these scripts and embracing wholly the kind of sex that feels right to you and your body with your partner. Which can be really cool, if not totally euphoric to experience! Mix that up with all the nerve endings being stimulated and you’re set up for a pretty fun time. Mix and match with any of your other various kinks and interests and you might be unlocking a whole new layer to the pleasure you and your partner(s) can have.
Though it might seem intimidating at the outset, pegging is just another of the many ways people can experience all the sexual and sensual pleasure their bodies have to offer. So if it’s caught your interest and your partner is on board, you shouldn’t be afraid to give it a try.
Talking provocatively and erotically to a lover can help build intimacy and bonding, but sometimes we can’t find the words for it, particularly when in person. That’s why some people prefer the convenience of phone sex as an accessible way to turn each other on.
Phone sex between consenting adults can be tied in with an existing relationship, whether long distance or otherwise, and other times it can be enjoyed between two individuals through paid services.
But it can be difficult to enjoy the phone-bone experience if you don’t know how to have phone sex confidently.
Thankfully, we’ve got some our best sex tips from Alison Sparks (opens in new tab), a professional phone-sex worker, that couples could use to dial up the dirty talk during those telephonic moments. “I know that phone sex can feel awkward at first to a lot of us, but after some practice, it can really spice things up,” Sparks says.
Introducing the idea of phone sex
Sexologist Marla Renee Stewart—co-author of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay (opens in new tab) and Sex Expert for the My Fantasy App (opens in new tab)—suggests when first introducing a partner to the idea of phone sex that using compliments and positive reinforcement can help.
“Give them positive reinforcement, such as ‘I love your voice and when you speak sexy to me, it gets me really hot. What do you think about us having phone sex the next time we’re away from each other?'” Stewart says.
Phone sex foreplay is important
Sparks suggests that you should set the mood with some phone-call foreplay. Like intercourse, “you don’t just jump in during phone sex. Tell your partner how and where you would caress them, how and where you would kiss them, what do you want them to imagine at that moment…when you work on building up the tension, that big O will be way better.”
Some frisky phrases to get you started:
Not sure how to kick off your sultry convo? Here are a few easy sentences that you can throw into your chat.
“That turns me on so much.”
“Keep going.”
“I like when you do that.”
“I want you”
“I so wish I could feel you inside me.”
“My body is aching for you.”
“I want to stroke you hard and fast.”
“I bet you taste so good right now.”
“I really like it when I get to hear you moan.”
If you’re adding hands-on play to the conversation, remember to tell your partner specifically what you’re doing. I.e., “I’m touching myself and it feels so warm, wet or hard.” And make sure to ask them what they’re doing or what they want, too.
What to do when it’s not working
If you’re struggling to set the mood or it suddenly goes dead, Sparks recommends telling your partner about a sexy dream you’ve had of them, sharing one of your sexual fantasies or even telling them of a hot memory you have of them.
“Be open about your fantasies, things you’d like to explore, and let your imagination run wild. Nothing quite ruins the mood like being tongue-tied because you feel like your partner will judge your kinks,” she says.
Some of us process sexual stimulation in different ways, and Stewart says this is because “some folks might be open to the idea and most likely if they’re not, it’s probably because they are more visual or tactile and less auditory.” Focusing on different stimulation styles can help when traditional phone sex isn’t working. (Check out our guide to sex emojis if you want to add cheeky visuals to your conversation.)
Don’t forget: it takes two
Sparks says phone sex shouldn’t be one-sided—when it gets really hot, both parties involved should be conversing erotically, rather than one party talking and the other just listening.
However, “don’t be afraid to take control of the conversation,” she adds. “It’s not set in stone that one person has to be in charge and the other one just has to listen. You can take turns in directing your fantasy until you are both feeling hot and heavy!”
Just like other shared sexual experiences, phone sex can be intense and can necessitate aftercare. Checking in with your partner afterward can give you both an opportunity to share what turned you on and if anything turned you off. Happy dialing!
Yet, sometimes, it can feel as if improving your sex life is easier fantasized about than done.
Sure, you can find plenty of practical guides offering physical tips for better sex to people of any gender or anatomy.
But good sex doesn’t just involve your body. Your emotions and mood also play a pretty big part.
Like other aspects of wellness, good sexual health relies on the mind-body connection.
This interaction between mind and body can have some significant implications for emotional and physical health, both in and out of the bedroom.
Positive emotions such as joy, relaxation, and excitement help boost physical pleasure and satisfaction.
At the same time, distraction, irritability, and stress can all settle into your body, affecting your ability to remain present and fully enjoy experiences — from G- to X-rated — as they come.
Here’s the good news about the mind-body connection: Improvements in one area often yield similar improvements in the other.
In other words, increased emotional awareness could just help you have the best sex of your life. Nurturing this connection may take a little work, but these tips can help you get started.
Mindfulness refers to your ability to stay present in the moment.
Robyn Garnett, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, who specializes in sex therapy, describes mindfulness as “being fully engaged in an activity, fully experiencing the moment with physical senses rather than the thinking mind.”
You can probably imagine how a lack of mindfulness can detract from a sexy experience.
You might try to stay focused, for example, but thoughts of that midterm you need to study for, the pile of dishes in the sink, or how early you have to get up in the morning keep creeping in.
This fragmented awareness is incredibly common, but learning to boost powers of observation in other areas of life can help you overcome it.
As you go about your day, pay more attention to your body. How do you feel when you exercise? Eat breakfast? Walk to work? Do chores?
Notice the physical and emotional sensations that come up. What feels good? Not so good? If your thoughts start to wander away from the activity, gently return them to what you’re doing.
Many people find meditation and yoga make it easier to get in tune with emotions and practice mindfulness throughout the day.
If you have trouble expanding your awareness alone, giving these wellness practices a try could help.
It can take some time to get the hang of mindfulness, but the increased self-awareness that develops as a result can facilitate greater connection during sex.
Generally speaking, great sex means everyone involved is getting their needs met on some level.
It’s fine to want to please your partner(s), but you should also have some idea of what you enjoy and want from a sexual encounter.
Staying present during sexual encounters, whether solo, partnered, or multipartnered, can help you notice:
how your body feels from moment to moment (let yourself move naturally)
the noises you and your partner(s) make (don’t be afraid to make noise, even when on your own!)
how your breath and movements speed up and slow down (take time to enjoy yourself instead of rushing toward climax — unless that’s what you’re into!)
When something feels good, don’t be shy about speaking up. Discussing what you like and want more of can strengthen your connection and lead to even better sex.
The same goes for things you don’t love. Participating in activities you dislike, just for a partner’s benefit, can lead to disconnection (or dread) during sex.
Also keep in mind: Good sex doesn’t always require a partner. In fact, exploring sexual interests through masturbation can help you get more comfortable with your desires.
It becomes much easier to communicate with partners when you know exactly what you enjoy — if you do choose to share with a partner, that is. Solo sex can be equally fulfilling!
First of all, you can have fantastic sex without maintaining a romantic relationship.
(That said, if you’ve tried no-strings-attached sex and find it somewhat lacking, it’s worth considering that you may need more of an emotional connection.)
If you are in a relationship, though, you’ll want to take into account the ways stress and conflict can affect not just individual well-being but also partner interactions.
It’s often easier to recognize serious issues threatening your relationship, but smaller concerns can also build up, adding to worry and anxiety.
If you don’t know how to bring these issues up, even minor problems can cause strain and affect overall emotional wellness over time.
These effects can make it more challenging to connect with your partner and enjoy intimacy.
If you’re struggling to connect with your partner — physically or emotionally — couples counseling can offer a safe, judgment-free space to explore the issue and work on healthy, productive communication.
Arousal takes time and effort for many people. Some days, you might just not feel it (totally normal, in case you wondered). Regardless, you might want to go ahead with it anyway.
Maybe you don’t get a lot of chances to have sex and think you should make the most of it, or perhaps you don’t want to let your partner down.
Keep in mind, though, your body usually knows what it’s talking about.
Remember, your mind and body work together, so pushing yourself to connect intimately when you’re drained, tired, achy, or unwell generally doesn’t end well.
Instead of fully engaging with your partner, you might get distracted, notice physical discomfort or annoyance at being touched a certain way, or have difficulty maintaining arousal and having an orgasm.
Your good intentions could even trigger conflict if your partner notices you’re less than enthusiastic.
It’s always better to communicate instead of trying to force a mood you don’t feel. You can still enjoy yourselves without having sex.
In fact, Garnett explains, exploring nonsexual activities together could promote more meaningful connection that can, in turn, lead to an improved sexual relationship.
Don’t forget: A sexual partner who doesn’t respect your physical needs and tries to pressure you into having sex anyway is not one worth keeping.
Sex therapy might sound a little terrifying when you don’t know what to expect, but it’s basically just talk therapy.
“It provides a space for you to openly discuss concerns and potential barriers so you can better understand your own needs,” Garnett says.
“Sometimes the inability to enjoy sex comes down to a misunderstanding of your own body, so psychoeducation is often where the conversation starts,” she says.
Garnett explains that while your sex therapist might suggest activities for you to try outside of therapy, by yourself or with a partner, sex therapy itself doesn’t involve touch or demonstrations.
Your primary goal in sex therapy is exploring any issues potentially affecting your sex life, such as:
mental health symptoms and their underlying causes
untreated health concerns, which might require a referral to a healthcare provider
Although mental health symptoms can affect sexual desire and contribute to difficulties enjoying intimacy, the reverse is also true.
If you find intimacy challenging, for whatever reason, you might become anxious when thinking of sex or feel so low that your arousal fizzles out.
This can create an unpleasant cycle. Not only can missing out on the benefits of sex bring your mood down further, you might notice tension between you and your partner if you don’t communicate what you’re feeling.
A professional can help you take a holistic look at the challenges in all areas of life, from work stress and sleep troubles to normal life changes, and consider how they could be holding you back from a more fulfilling sex life.
Better sex might not happen overnight, but dedicated efforts toward increased mindfulness can help you employ the mind-body link to improve self-awareness.
This stronger connection within yourself can pave the way toward a powerful, more deeply satisfying sexual connection with others.
From left: Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain, Emma Rose Smith and Paige Buckley, all 17, formed a group called Teens For Reproductive Rights in Tennessee in response to Roe’s fall.
Sweating in the sun, two dozen teenagers spread themselves across picnic blankets in a grassy park and prepared to discuss the facts of life they never learned in school.
Behind them on a folding table, bouquets of pamphlets offered information teachers at school would never share — on the difference between medical and surgical abortions, and how to get them. Beside the pamphlets sat items adults at school would never give: pregnancy tests and six-packs of My Way Emergency Contraceptive.
Emma Rose Smith, 17, rose from the blankets, tucked her pale-blonde hair behind her ears and turned off the music on a small, black speaker. She faced the assembled high-schoolers, all members of her newfound group, Teens for Reproductive Rights, and began talking about the nonprofit Abortion Care Tennessee. Her words hitched at first, then tumbled in a rush.
“A little bit about them,” Emma Rose said, “is they’re an organization that funds people’s abortions if they can’t afford it. Also, by the way, there’s another organization that we can also talk about later, when we give you guys, like, resources, that actually does free mail-in abortion pills.”
Twelve days after the teens’ picnic, abortion would become illegal in Tennessee, a measure made possible by the Supreme Court’s June decision, in Dobbs v. Jackson Women’s Health Organization,overturning Roe v. Wade. The students wouldn’t hear anything about it in school: State law does not require sex education, and it holds that schools in areas with high pregnancy rates must offer “family life education” focused on abstinence.
Listen to the Tennessee teens describe their experiences of sex education.
Post-Roe, the teens in the park had decided, this lack of education was no longer acceptable. They are part of a burgeoning movement of high-schoolers nationwide who, after Roe’s fall, are stepping up to demand more comprehensive lessons on reproduction, contraception and abortion — and who, if the adults refuse, are teaching each other instead.
And in Virginia, 15-year-old Rivka Vizcardo-Lichter is organizing demonstrations outside school board meetings to pressure the Fairfax County district to offer students information about reproductive health clinics, more detailed lessons on contraceptive methods other than abstinence (it already includes the basics, but she wants more) — and access to contraception.
“Teenagers are teenagers, and some teenagers are going to have sex,” she said. “They need to be educated on how to protect themselves from unwanted pregnancies and STIs [sexually transmitted infections] and sexual risk — especially if we’re removing the right to … choose whether or not you’re having a baby.”
What students actually learn in the classroom varies by district and even by teacher, said Laura Lindberg, a public health professor at Rutgers University who has studied sex education in the United States for three decades. But it is often “too little too late,” she said. Her researchsuggests that less than half of U.S. teens receive instruction on where to get birth control before having sex for the first time, and she noted that the teen birthrate in the United States — 16.7 births per 1,000 females in 2019 — is consistently among the highest in the developed world, though it has been declining in recent years.
In the Tennessee park, Emma Rose scrolled her thumb down her phone screen, squinting at the glare, to read off details of upcoming advocacy: An outdoor concert to raise money for pro-abortion groups. A protest at the Tennessee Capitol on the day the state’s abortion ban takes effect.
Then she shared how she and the group’s three co-founders, Alyson Nordstrom, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, all 17, see the future.
“We want to start getting groups structured in different parts of Tennessee,” Emma Rose said. Each spin-off chapter would be located at a different high school throughout the state.
Then those teens, too, could start teaching each other.
‘Alone and ignorant’
In some parts of the country, teens teaching teens sex ed is not a new idea.
That includes Park City, Utah, where Carly McAleer started high school four years ago having received a sex education that “basically amounted to scaring students with really grotesque photos” of sexually transmitted infections. Utah law requires sex education in all schools but prohibits “the advocacy or encouragement of the use of contraceptive methods or devices,” instead mandating that schools “stress the importance of abstinence.”
By sophomore year, Carly, who is now 18 and uses they/them pronouns, began searching for a way to become better informed — and discovered the Planned Parenthood Teen Council program. The initiative, begun in 1989 in Washington state, trains teens to teach other schoolchildren sex education, then partners with willing private schools, school districts or community groups to host peer-led lessons on topics ranging from consent to contraception, depending on state law and school policy. Since its founding, it has expanded to 15 states, and last year 300 teens volunteered on 31 councils, according to Nadya Santiago Schober of Planned Parenthood.
Carly applied, was accepted their junior year, and was soon walking into middle-school classrooms — feeling more than a bit nervous — to lead classes on STIs and healthy relationships. Carly found that most students, starved for information, were intensely curious.
And Carly came to love moments that demonstrated the difference they were making — for example when they asked students what kind of lubricant is okay to use with condoms, “the room went silent, and so I told them a silicone-based or water-based lubricant.”
The end of Roe appears to have driven more interest in the Teen Council program, which is poised to expand, Santiago Schober said: “We are seeing an increase in the size of our groups for the year ahead.” In Utah, said L-E Baldwin, a community health educator with that state’s Planned Parenthood chapter, “we have had interest from rural parts of the state in ways we have not previously.”
Lindberg, the Rutgers professor, said the upsurge in young people advocating for comprehensive sex education is admirable, if unsurprising in a generation known for its activism on climate change, gun control and reading freedom. She cautioned that it is important would-be student-teachers pick out correct information from the plethora of misinformation available online.
“Young people can now access information in places that a generation ago weren’t an option, whether that’s a YouTube video or a Tik Tok or something on Instagram,” she said. “But they have to be careful.”
Since the 1980s, when sex education became widespread in America as a means to fight HIV infection, conservatives and the religious right have steadily chipped away at the availability of sex ed nationwide, Lindberg said. And they’re especially fired up now, post-Roe and amid raging education culture wars that have delivered new laws restricting what teachers can say about race, racism, sexuality, gender identity and LGBTQ issues. As Charles Herbster, an unsuccessful gubernatorial candidate in Nebraska, put it at a rally alongside former president Donald Trump in May: “We’re going to take sex education out of the schools and put it back in the homes where it belongs.” (Herbster did not answer requests for comment
She had a message for students advocating around sex ed: “The teenagers are being pushed by activist organizations, whose purpose is making children politically literate rather than actually literate so they can become social justice warriors. That’s what the union is trying to do,” she said, referring to teachers organizations, which Justice said are pushing communist doctrine on America’s children.
Rivka, the Fairfax County teen, believes this law imperils students’ access to sex education. She is all the more determined to persuade her school district to expand its sex-ed curriculum by teaching about more contraceptive options and reproductive health clinics, as well as offering students free contraception. Her sex-ed experience was “abstinence 100” percent of the time, she said.
Fairfax sex ed comprises “an abstinence-based … curriculum, meaning that both abstinence and contraception are included in instruction,” district spokeswoman Julie Moult said in a statement. “Contraception is included in instruction in grades 8-12,” she added, pointing to teachings about “barrier, hormonal, and surgical contraceptive methods,” including condoms. Parents can remove their children from the program if they wish.
Moult said the district mentions Planned Parenthood as a resource for “students experiencing unintended pregnancy” in 10th grade. But she said “inclusion of reproductive health clinics could be considered” by school officials in the future.
Moult previously told The Washington Post that giving students access to contraception would be “outside the scope and purpose” of sex ed. The Fairfax County School Board this spring voted to delay a series of proposed changes that would have expanded the topics covered in sex ed and ended gender segregation in some classes, an idea Rivka supports.
“We have millions of men who don’t know how a period works,” Rivka said, recalling conversations with male friends who were clueless about things like tampons and pads. “Teens are just going out into these waters alone and ignorant.”
Teens wonder: Could we do better?
In Tennessee, Alyson Nordstrom had never so much as joined a march when Roe came under threat
But on May 3, feeling the angriest she had ever been, she tapped out an Instagram message to Emma Rose Smith, who had helped organize a 10,000-strong protest after the killing of George Floyd: “I don’t know if you saw the leaking of the Roe v Wade draft opinion from the Supreme Court but me and some of my friends [are] wanting to put together something in protest of that … I was wondering if you wanted to work together.”
Emma Rose responded: “I would love too!”
The girls each brought in their friends, Lily Swain and Paige Buckley, and Teens for Reproductive Rights was born — although they didn’t finalize the name until a coffee-shop confab, when they also created an Instagram profile. Their first event was a May 7 march in Nashville Public Square Park for abortion rights; their second, a music concert in late July that raised $5,000 for Abortion Care Tennessee.
At that point, the girls started to rethink what they might accomplish. The foursome had initially thought the group was “a one-time thing,” Lily said, “but then we started hanging out and getting to know each other.” Soon, their minds turned to sex education.
Alyson, who wants to become a lawyer, recalled the lessons she sat through: “It was just, like, ‘Don’t have sex,’ [and] the guys goofed off the whole time.” Emma Rose, who wants to major in English and political science, had similar memories: “In fifth grade, they just said your boobs might grow and you might get your period. … In ninth-grade, they showed pictures of STDs [and] said this is what you’re going to get if you have sex.” Paige remembered the teacher letting the boys go to the playground while the girls learned about periods. And Lily, an Irish history buff, said what stuck out most was that her sex-ed teachers clearly didn’t want to answer any questions.
The four teens began to wonder: Could we do better?
The two-hour picnic on a superhot Saturday afternoon this month attended by about 30 students — mostly girls but a handful of boys, too — was a trial run. The girls spoke briefly about issues they want to cover more later, including the implications of new state antiabortion laws. But a lot of the conversation was loose, just teens talking.
“It’s like you’re going back in time,” one girl said of Roe’s end.
“I think my concern is bringing more kids into this world,” said another. “The foster-care system is terrible.”
A boy recounted a recent chat with his devoutly Christian mother and shared advice for approaching antiabortion family members: “It can be scary. But it’s definitely worth talking with people about.”
Much of the afternoon had the vibe of a hangout, with boxes of pizza and gentle music. The teens played games of Ninja and Zap. A boy who rode up on a bike, training for his high school cycling team, offered to wear a Teens for Reproductive Rights sticker on his racing helmet.
As the clock inched to 5 p.m., Alyson sought everyone’s attention one more time. She had homework to assign.
“There’s a documentary on Netflix,” she said, raising her voice. “It’s called ‘Reversing Roe.’ It talks about, literally from early 1900s to recent — I think it came out right before the actual reversing.” She added that the film traces how abortion “became politicized, which it wasn’t originally at all.”
Teens sprawled on blankets bent their heads over phones and pamphlets to take down the name.
Kinky sex is becoming more mainstream by the year, with BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism – is one of the more popular options.
Generally, BDSM involves two major roles: the dominant and the submissive, the latter of which is the topic of conversation in this week’s episode of Smut Drop.
As the names imply, being dominant means being the one deemed to be in control, while the submissive, well, submits to that control.
Acting out any BDSM scene can be extremely emotional for either party, but particularly submissives, who experience what is known as ‘subspace’ and ‘subdrop’.
Sophia Mindus, a London-based educator, facilitator and artist interested in kink and sexuality, explains everything you need to know about the two states.
Subspace and subdrop are essentially emotional states triggered by a release of hormones into the body.
‘[During BDS], we are playing with roles, identities, and types of physical activities which are often very different from our day-to-day experiences,’ Sophia tells Metro.co.uk, adding that this can affect us on a physical, emotional and neurochemical level.
As Sophia explains, during different types of play the body can release a whole host of different hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, cortisol. This can lead to people feeling ‘high’ and in an almost ‘trance-like state’ both during and after intercourse.
While ‘topspace’ also exists for dominants, subspace is characterised as being ‘floaty’ and hazy.
Are there any dangers associated with subspace?
Subspace essentially puts the mind and body in altered states, just like if someone takes a drug or drinks too much alcohol, and can sometimes blur the lines of consent, especially in terms of something like BDSM, when pain thresholds might temporarily increase. That’s why it’s vital for dominants to be aware of subspace and responsible for its effects.
‘When people are in altered states it can be harder to make decisions, have awareness of bodily limits and boundaries, and ask for what they need,’ says Sophia.
‘This is not the same for everyone, but this is why in these situations, it is even more paramount that the top takes responsibility for respecting the limits and physical capacity of the person receiving.’
This goes for both physical activities, such as spanking, as well as other boundaries.
‘It is important that the top remembers limits clearly and does not add anything extra or change the type of play into something which hasn’t been prior agreed once someone is in subspace,’ says Sophia.
‘BDSM relies on all parties to be taking part in these practices with awareness and approaching each other with humanity and ethics.
‘If one person is willing to bypass another person’s boundaries or limits because they are in subspace and unable to communicate clearly, this is a violation of consent.’
If someone is experiencing subspace, the safest decision a top can make is to bring the scene to an end.
How to prepare for subspace
Negotiate communication check-ins
Sophie says that communication check-ins are vital and should be negotiated before play has begun.
‘Some people may experience their subspace as finding it harder to communicate verbally, so perhaps a signal or non-verbal check in such as a hand squeeze or a head movement could be used to communicate,’ she says.
Start slow
‘If it is the first time playing with someone, or someone is experiencing subspace for the first time, this is something they may not recognise or realise is an issue.
‘I always believe in BDSM you can do more but rarely can do less – so going slowly and airing on the side of caution is important.’
What is subdrop?
As many of us know, what goes up must come down, and the high experienced during subspace often gives way to subdrop.
‘A huge surge in hormones can also lead to a sudden drop or depletion of dopamine and oxytocin, the hormones which make us feel happy, connected, warm and euphoric,’ Sophia tells us.
‘This can often happen the day after or some hours after play has occurred.
‘The feeling can vary from irritability and low mood, to feelings of being a bit lost and lonely, to sadness and sensitivity.’
While everyone will feel and deal with subdrop differently, it’s important to note that it is normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you experience it.
‘Whilst we are experiencing a shift in hormones, there is also the reality that BDSM play is a very intimate and vulnerable experience – and the return to reality after these intense experiences can feel sensitive,’ Sophia adds.
‘When we experience such closeness and altered realities with another person, going back to our day to day life can feel a little strange.
‘This can also be difficult if people do not live with their play partners, the sense of loss and separation can be difficult to deal with and something to be considered and worked through to support one another.’
How to deal with subdrop
Subdrop highlights the need for aftercare following a BDSM scene.
‘Aftercare describes not only the immediate care that you need after a type of play, but also the care that you need in the days after a type of play as subdrop can take a while to be felt,’ says Sophia.
Find what works for you
It may take time and experience to understand what kind of aftercare you need.
‘For some people aftercare looks like alone time to process their feelings and thoughts,’ Sophia says, whether that be a self care evening with a bubble bath or time in nature.
‘For others it might look like making sure they have nice plans in place in the days after a play event or play date so they don’t feel so alone,’ she adds.
Reach out to partners
‘The most important thing is reaching out to your partner or friends if you are experiencing a drop.
‘It can feel overwhelming and bizarre the first time, and just knowing that you are not alone and you are not overreacting is important.’
Importantly, BDSM often involves two or more people, so it’s vital to reach out to and support your partners following a scene.
How to help someone through subdrop
Keep checking in
Given that subdrop doesn’t always happen instantly, it’s important to keep checking on your partner to see how they feel.
‘Taking time to check in either via call, text, or an in person meet up to see how your partner is doing, what they might be needing, and also maybe taking time to share what you enjoyed most about the play with them, [is vital],’ says Sophia.
‘Some people may need some reassurance, validation, and extra attention and care after BDSM play.
‘It is a vulnerable, intimate and intense experience to go through with another, and aftercare which encompasses the value of our partners can really support a connective and caring relationship.’
Be open
‘It can take time to recognise what you need to support yourself or another person through drop, so if this is new to you, being really open and offering different suggestions can be a supportive and curious way to explore how best to take care of one another,’ says Sophia.
This is especially important if the dominant is also experiencing a drop.
‘If both people need different things, you need to work out how to compromise and make it work so all needs are met,’ she adds.
Sigmund Freud’s theorised that “certain aspects of your personality are more primal and this pushes you to act on your basic urges. Meanwhile, other parts of your personality work to counteract these urges and strive to make you conform to the demands of reality.” This is why various ‘kinksters’ tend to stay hidden or quiet throughout their lives while some pick being unique and come forth to actually mingle with society, They try to avoid giving into their kinks and experimenting with BDSM.
Thankfully BDSM has now become more acceptable, common and mainstream. This is mainly because various works of fiction in both cinema and literature have started using the same theme. This has motivated people to finally let this inner kinkster fly and hence, they have decided to give S&M a try. So, if you’re looking to experiment with BDSM, here’s an official list of the kinks that you should commence your experiment with. These kinks might make your journey, way more fun instead of overwhelming.
1. Bondage
Bondage is the act of physically restraining your partner. A wide variety of implements can be used to achieve this from ropes to handcuffs. Bonding your partner can be a full way to try power exchange and experiment with roles.
2. Sadism And Masochism
Sado-masochism are two sides of the same coin- erotic pain. Depending on which you prefer, you can either be the pain receiver i.e. masochist or pain giver i.e. sadist. From something as simple as scratching your partner or receiving a strong tug of hair, sadism and masochism can fall into a perfect yin-yang partnership.
3. Impact Play
Impact play is majorly an extension of sadomasochism. This is especially for people who might enjoy the use of instruments or “toys” to indulge in this kind of kink. Depending on curiosity and comfort, partners can choose from a variety of impact toys. Spanking, flogging, caning etc. fall under this category.
4. Sensation Play
The five senses can also add to your sexual experience. Sensation play can range from something as gentle as blindfolds to using earbuds to drown out the surrounding noise. Tuning out one or more of your senses can actually make the other senses more active, making this process all the more fun and of course, beyond just interesting.
5. Exhibitionism
The practice of certain aspects of your kink life can fall under exhibitionism. It encompasses nudity, kink broadcasting and so on. For an exhibitionist, the act of being watched by someone is a huge turn-on. Try this out slowly with perhaps simple tasks in public and then, maybe consider other legal forms of sexual display in a more public space.
6. Orgasm Control
Orgasm control can be a very fun way of experimenting with pushing your or your partner’s boundaries. It is an act of controlling the sexual release and it can be very intense. Depending on your limits, it can be as simple as denying orgasms, asking for permission before having an orgasm and the most fun one- forced orgasms. This is a risky and interesting game!
Remember, Kink and BDSM are not restricted to people who like pain or are into dominance. Kink is just as important for someone looking to make things interesting in the bedroom as it can be for people who want to explore their masochistic limits. This is just a beginner’s list for your journey of kink exploration. There are a lot more kinks and fetishes out there, waiting for you to explore them. Just research away.
The sky is your limit when it comes to exploring the kink world but, just remember to be safe, practice consent, converse with your partner and of course, have fun with the play!
Keeping the spice alive in long-term relationships is something we’ll never stop trying to wrap our heads around. But according to new research, it’s less about mixing things up, and more about establishing equitable relations outside the boudoir, particularly when it comes to stimulating desire in women.
Female desire is multidimensional. And, as previous work by Eugenia Cherkasskaya and Margaret Rosario lays out, it consists of two main factors: solitary sexual desire, an internally driven desire to achieve specific sexual needs for gratification and address sexual frustration, and dyadic sexual desire, defined as a desire reflecting a want for emotional closeness or intimacy with another person.
To explore the role that relationship that equity plays in female desire, the Centre for Mental Health at Swinburne University of Technology set out to understand the link between the two. In a study of almost 300 women, all aged between 18 to 39 and all in relationships, researchers had participants complete measures of solitary and dyadic facets of sexual desire, reporting on perceptions of relationship equity and their overall relationship satisfaction.
Looking at the data, the team found that those that reported equal relationships, were more likely to experience higher levels of both solitary and dyadic sexual desire, and they were more satisfied in their relationships. As expected, equality in relationships predicted relationship satisfaction, which related to higher levels of dyadic sexual desire — suggesting that female sexual desire is not only biological and cognitive, but also responsive to relational contexts. Basically, as much as Hollywood says otherwise, it’s not just the forbidden connections that get our engines going, but the ones built on mutual respect and support.
According to Dr. Simone Buzwell, an academic at the university, these results are telling. “While a lack of desire is not an issue for all women, a lack of sexual desire does cause significant distress for many women and their intimate partners,” she says. But if these results tell us anything, it’s that the stress may be mis-channelled.
As Buzwell notes, this is ultimately a positive finding: that desire is something that can be worked on, as opposed to the erroneous ideas sold to us by rom-coms. “Low female sexual desire is likely to be a problem that both people in the relationship can solve together,” she says, adding that it really does take two to tango. “It is not the ‘fault’ of one individual and it would be useful to consider factors beyond the sexual realm that may be contributing.”
So the next time you’re splitting hairs over your sex life — or lack thereof — keep in mind that there are many factors that contribute to desire. And remember, for the most part, fairer sex is better sex!
Few things in life are as misunderstood as BDSM. The sex practice is often accused of being physically or mentally harmful, something that only survivors of abuse embrace, or abnormally kinky. But it’s important for beginners to understand that it’s actually none of those things.
At its most basic, BDSM is an umbrella term for three categories: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism (more details on those in a minute). They might each sound scary in their own right, but because they rely on a judgement-free zone where communication about your desires and boundaries come first, BDSM can actually be the safest (and most fun) kind of sex you can have, says Holly Richmond, PhD, a somatic psychologist and certified sex therapist.
“So much of our life is controlled, so for a lot of people, it’s nice to be let off the hook,” Richmond explains. Think about it: Your work schedule, rent payments, and (ugh) taxes are all set by external forces. BDSM offers a world of freedom to play, experiment, and allow someone else to take the reins—at your consent. Or on the flip side, if you’re the one who likes to do the controlling, you get to call the shots for once.
“I like to call it ‘power play’ because, to me, that is at the heart of BDSM,” says sex expert Ian Kerner, PhD, author of She Comes First. “You’re able to use your imagination, create a scene, role play, and tap into themes that are interesting like submission and domination.”
If you’re a BDSM beginner, it can be tough to imagine BDSM as anything but a Red Room (thanks, Fifty Shades) with chains and whips to excite you (à la Rihanna). And though the practice typically does involve props, they don’t make an appearance right off the bat. Instead, as a beginner, you’ll want to take things slowly until you figure out what BDSM looks like for you and your partner(s), since someone else’s methods won’t necessarily get you going.
Also, keep in mind BDSM can take a little prep work, says Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “Because BDSM can include activities that are new, intimidating, and risky, you need to proceed with care and caution,” she says. “Don’t assume that you can dive in head-first and re-enact a scene from a film or erotic novel without preparation, education, or experience.”
Below is everything you need to know if you’re thinking about trying your hand at BDSM so that the sexual encounter will leave you pleasured and empowered. As it should.
1. Educate yourself.
Besides oftentimes being inaccurate, the portrayals of BDSM you’ve seen in film (or porn) are probably not going to work for you (they tend to be a tad…extreme). Richmond recommends reading up on BDSM, taking a class to learn about moves and scenarios you can play out with your partner, and bringing in a sex therapist if need be, so that you can figure out what your version of the practice looks like.
But to get a better grasp on what each of three categories mean, here’s a quick primer, from Richmond:
Bondage and discipline: Bondage is a form of sex play that focuses on restraint. Having another person control your pleasure is central here, and it can involve props such as handcuffs, ropes, blindfolds, or a range of restraints. Discipline is the practice of training a “submissive” to obey, follow rules, or perform certain acts. Discipline is almost always present in the relationship between a dominant partner and a submissive one.
Dominance and submission: This describes the practice of giving power or control (submission) to another who then takes it (dominance). Dominance and submission can be emotional, physical, or both, and the dynamic can be played out in sexual acts—or through acts of being in control/acts of service. For some, the roles are full-time (including outside the bedroom), while for others, the roles are only taken on at predetermined times of erotic encounter.
Sadism and masochism: The acts of sadism and masochism are performed by people who derive pleasure from pain. The sadist enjoys inflicting pain on someone else, while the masochist enjoys receiving pain. Remember: This is pleasurable and one of the safest forms of sex because of the significant amount of work put into boundary-setting and open communication. Most people who engage in sadism or masochism enjoy a sense of empowerment from enduring something difficult.
P.S. Your experience doesn’t have to involve all three categories, or even both roles within a category. You might discover, for example, that you’re naturally dominant or submissive, or someone who can switch back and forth between both. Or you might even realize that while you like being tied down (bondage), you don’t particularly enjoy going under the whip (discipline).
2. Start with a fantasy.
Kerner says he sees a lot of couples make the same mistake: They go to a sex shop, grab a few toys, and then come back and tell him that BDSM just isn’t for them. “Instead, it’s better to start with figuring out what’s hot and sexy for you,” he says. “Don’t be afraid to start with your own imagination and what turns you on.” Not sure what does it for you? He recommends reading some BDSM stories that have power themes or watching ethical porn that has BDSM to see what you might be into.
3. Talk it out.
Sit down with your partner and have an honest conversation about your desires, what turns you on, and what your boundaries are. Richmond stresses that this convo, which is incredibly important before trying any type of BDSM (or any sex act, really) must be done face-to-face, since “eye contact is how we communicate empathy.”
Because BDSM typically involves surrendering control, trust and communication is everything. It’s extremely important that you’re as specific as possible with your partner about what you want and don’t want, as they should be with you. For example, let them know if the idea of being blindfolded excites you but having your hands cuffed makes you anxious. Similarly, hear them out if they tell you they never want to be in a submissive role.
From there, the two of you will be able to better negotiate consent and identify your limits to make sure that you’re both comfortable throughout the process.
4. Consider making it a group affair.
If you realize that you’re willing and wanting to go further than your partner, you might even discuss bringing an additional person into the mix. A third party whose boundaries better match up with yours can ensure that you all have fulfilling experiences—as long as, of course, your partner is on board.
If they’re not, try to talk to your partner about what they might be comfortable with trying at least once with you, to see how they truly feel about it. If they absolutely can’t get behind experimenting with some of your fantasies, Richmond notes that it’s common for couples to agree that “when there’s one partner who wants to do more, they will go to sex party or a dungeon.” Again, not as scary as it sounds!
5. Write it down.
Remember how Christian Grey and Anastasia had a written contract? It actually wasn’t a horrible idea. Since BDSM is all about communication, communication, and communication, it might be helpful to write down what you and your partner discuss in a contract of sorts—even if you’re dating or married.
This way you’ll have something to refer to when you need a refresher on your partner’s boundaries, says Richmond. As you get more comfortable with BDSM and want to take it further, you can come back to your contract, renegotiate, and make amendments. P.S. This can be kind of fun—not weird or transactional—because it ups the excitement for what’s to come (emphasis on come).
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6. Pick a setting.
Part of a BDSM game plan is picking a spot to do the deed, says Richmond. That might be a hotel on your next vacation (where it might be easier to tap into a different persona), a room reserved for power-play sex, or just your boring old bedroom. As long as it’s a place you feel safe, you’re good to go.
7. Come up with a safe word.
Speaking of safety, if things go too far and you or your partner cross a boundary you didn’t anticipate, decide on a word you’ll both say (and obviously listen to) if that time comes. Richmond suggests picking something totally random that you wouldn’t normally say in the bedroom, such as “milkshake” or “turtleneck.”
Once you hear or say the safe word, everything should stop immediately. BDSM only works when it’s mutual pleasurable for everyone involved—so as soon as it’s clear things have pushed too far, game over. Ask your partner if they’re okay, stay by their side until they’ve expressed what it is that called for the safe word, and then ask them what they’ll need from that moment forward, says Richmond.
8. Check for emotional safety, too.
That means asking your partner if they’re feeling comfortable. “A simple ‘Are you okay?’ may suffice or you may develop a non-verbal cue to communicate your enjoyment of a scene,” she says. Example: Giving two light taps to let your S.O. know that you’re feeling good. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured,” O’Reilly says. “If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
9. Go shopping.
BDSM is exciting in its own right, but bringing in toys and props can take the fun up a notch, says Richmond. Head to a sex store with your partner and let your imagination run wild. You might load up on restraints, chain nipple clamps, vibrators, paddles, anal beads, and/or lube to help you better lean into your agreed-upon roles.
“This is all about pleasure,” says Richmond so stock up on anything that will make you and your partner feel good.
10. Dress up.
The same way props and toys can bring out your dominant side or the masochist in you, dressing the part can be just as helpful in setting the scene. For example, if you’re the submissive during the experience, you might try a choker—or a cat mask and tail—to represent your willingness to obey your “owner” during the session.
Have fun with it! You don’t need to go all-out Halloween-style, but if a little costume or accessory helps you channel your inner sex goddess, wear it proudly.
11. Go slowly.
“You can talk and plan all you want to, but most of the time, in the moment, there will be a little tripping point,” says Richmond. This makes going slowly essential. You can familiarize yourself with which moves might be too rough for you or your partner and decide whether or not you actually enjoy, say, having your hair pulled during doggy.
Whether you’re just getting into BDSM or you’re a seasoned pro, the practice will always be “an experiential process where the more you do, the more you’ll know,” says Richmond. She assures she’s “very rarely heard of someone getting hurt beyond what was agreed upon,” but you still have your partner to think about. Taking your time helps ensure that you don’t cross their boundaries, either—because once you do, they might not want to give BDSM another go.
12. Space out your experiences.
It’s easy to get so ramped up at the idea of trying BDSM that you want to dive in with everything ASAP. But O’Reilly recommends slowing your roll. “Don’t feel you need to try everything at once,” she says. “The kinky sex all-you-can-eat buffet is constantly being replenished and you can come back for as many rounds as you’d like.”
She suggests trying out one BDSM aspect at a time and then “break down your wildest fantasy into manageable parts.” For example, if you’re craving sex in public, lots of props, spanking, and submission, maybe try incorporating just one of them into your regular rotation at a time. “You might gradually move sex into a semi-public space, like a balcony or backyard, or before beginning to try new props and power play,” O’Reilly says. “Too much novelty at once can overwhelm your senses and intensify anxiety to a level at which arousal becomes impossible.”
13. Save time for “aftercare.”
“The conversation you have after the experience is just as much a part of sex as the acts themselves,” says Richmond. This conversation, typically called “aftercare,” is a chance to debrief by asking your partner about what they enjoyed most and what they were thinking when you, say, lightly spanked them.
The verbal intimacy and vulnerability expressed after the BDSM experience will strengthen the bond you have with your partner. And that’s a whole other type of bondage worth getting behind.
It’s time, once again, to post my annual pride posting.
In my lifetime I’ve witnessed a most remarkable change in societal attitudes toward those of us on the sexual fringe. One only needs to go back 50 years in time. I was 17 years old then and I knew I was queer. When I looked out on the world around me this is what I saw. Homosexuality was deemed a mental disorder by the nation’s psychiatric authorities, and gay sex was a crime in every state but Illinois. Federal workers could be fired merely for being gay.
Today, gays and trans folks serve openly in the military, work as TV news anchors and federal judges, win elections as big-city mayors and members of Congress. Popular TV shows have gay and trans protagonists.
Six years ago this month, a Supreme Court ruling lead to the legalization of same-sex marriage throughout the whole country.
The transition over five decades has been far from smooth — replete with bitter protests, anti-gay violence, backlashes that inflicted many political setbacks, and AIDS. Unlike the civil rights movement and the women’s liberation movement, the campaign for gay rights unfolded without household-name leaders.
And yet some still experience a backlash in the dominant culture. I don’t relish the idea, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention it. And while we endure this be reminded that it won’t smart nearly as much if we know our history. And we should also remember the immortal words of Martin Luther King, Jr. “The moral arc of the universe bends at the elbow of justice.”
In honor of gay pride month, a little sex history lesson — The Stonewall Riots
The confrontations between demonstrators and police at The Stonewall Inn, a mafia owned bar in Greenwich Village NYC over the weekend of June 27-29, 1969 are usually cited as the beginning of the modern Lesbian/Gay liberation Movement. What might have been just another routine police raid on a bar patronized by homosexuals became the pivotal event that sparked the entire modern gay rights movement.
The Stonewall riots are now the stuff of myth. Many of the most commonly held beliefs are probably untrue. But here’s what we know for sure.
In 1969, it was illegal to operate any business catering to homosexuals in New York City — as it still is today in many places in the world. The standard procedure was for New York City’s finest to raid these establishments on a regular basis. They’d arrest a few of the most obvious ‘types’ harass the others and shake down the owners for money, then they’d let the bar open as usual by the next day.
Myth has it that the majority of the patrons at the Stonewall Inn were black and Hispanic drag queens. Actually, most of the patrons were probably young, college-age white guys lookin for a thrill and an evening out of the closet, along with the usual cadre of drag queens and hustlers. It was reasonably safe to socialize at the Stonewall Inn for them, because when it was raided the drag queens and bull-dykes were far more likely to be arrested then they were.
After midnight June 27-28, 1969, the New York Tactical Police Force called a raid on The Stonewall Inn at 55 Christopher Street in NYC. Many of the patrons who escaped the raid stood around to witness the police herding the “usual suspects” into the waiting paddywagons. There had recently been several scuffles where similar groups of people resisted arrest in both Los Angeles and New York.
Stonewall was unique because it was the first time gay people, as a group, realized that what threatened drag queens and bull-dykes threatened them all.
Many of the onlookers who took on the police that night weren’t even homosexual. Greenwich Village was home to many left-leaning young people who had cut their political teeth in the civil rights, anti-war and women’s lib movements.
As people tied to stop the arrests, the mêlée erupted. The police barricaded themselves inside the bar. The crowd outside attempted to burn it down. Eventually, police reinforcements arrived to disperse the crowd. But this just shattered the protesters into smaller groups that continued to mill around the streets of the village.
A larger crowd assembled outside the Stonewall the following night. This time young gay men and women came to protest the raids that were commonplace in the city. They held hands, kissed and formed a mock chorus line singing; “We are the Stonewall Girls/We wear our hair in curls/We have no underwear/We show our pubic hair.” Don’t ‘cha just love it?
Police successfully dispersed this group without incident. But the print media picked up the story. Articles appeared in the NY Post, Daily News and The Village Voice. Theses helped galvanize the community to rally and fight back.
Within a few days, representatives of the Mattachine Society and the Daughters of Bilitis (two of the country’s first homophile rights groups) organized the city’s first ever “Gay Power” rally in Washington Square. Some give hundred protesters showed up; many of them gay and lesbians.
The riots led to calls for homosexual liberation. Fliers appeared with the message: “Do you think homosexuals are revolting? You bet your sweet ass we are!” And the rest, boys and girls, is as they say is history.
During the first year after Stonewall, a whole new generation of organizations emerged, many identifying themselves for the first time as “Gay.” This not only denoted sexual orientation, but a radical way to self-identify with a growing sense of open political activism. Older, more staid homophile groups soon began to make way for the more militant groups like the Gay Liberation Front.
The vast majority of these new activists were under thirty; dr dick’s generation, don’t cha know. We were new to political organizing and didn’t know that this was as ground-breaking as it was. Many groups formed on colleges campuses and in big cities around the world.
By the following summer, 1970, groups in at least eight American cities staged simultaneous events commemorating the Stonewall riots on the last Sunday in June. The events varied from a highly political march of three to five thousand in New York to a parade with floats for 1200 in Los Angeles. Seven thousand showed up in San Francisco.
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