By David Marchese
For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”
Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.
A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1
1
Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.
My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2
2
A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.
But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.
In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.
What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.
It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.
No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.
You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3
3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.
which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information — there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex
What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”
Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?
4
It was quite a large ring.
I realize it looks like a vulva.
It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!
What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.
On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.
Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.
I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.
But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.
What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.
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Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.
So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.
Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.
You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6
6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”
A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.
My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.
Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.
I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”
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The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.
and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.
What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: “Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!
This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.
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Does Penis Size Actually Matter?
What’s the short answer?
No, penis size doesn’t matter — at least not in terms of desirability or function.
Its size has zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do.
That’s not to say that some people don’t prefer a bigger or smaller one, but that’s a matter of perceived preference, kind of like pineapple on pizza. To each their own.
Need some reassurance — or better yet, proof? Read on.
Bigger isn’t necessarily better
Contrary to the bull you might hear in the locker room or media, a bigger dick isn’t everything.
Bigger-than-average penises have been associated with a higher risk of injury and infection.
Extra length can also make some positions especially painful.
Too much girth can cause tearing if you’re not careful, especially during anal sex. Then there’s the whole choking and gag reflex to contend with during oral.
Of course, there are ways around these things, but it just goes to show that having a huge D isn’t all that.
Smaller isn’t necessarily bad
A smaller D is automatically easier to handle, which means all involved can focus on pleasure rather than pain or trying to figure out how the eff you’re gonna get THAT in there.
It’s certainly easier for fitting in the mouth. And when it comes to anal, a smaller peen is basically top dog.
Like any size penis, any perceived shortcomings are easily — and enjoyably — rectified with the right position.
And average is, well, smaller than you probably think
Most people with penises — around 85 percent — overestimate what average is when it comes to dick size and are convinced everyone else is packing something a lot beefier.
Here’s a dose of reality based on the most recent stats on schlong size:
- The average penis length is 3.6 in (9.1 cm) when flaccid and 5.2 in (13.1 cm) when erect.
- Girth-wise, the average flaccid penis measures 3.66 (9.31 cm) around and 4.59 (11.66 cm) in while erect.
To be clear: Size has nothing to do with stamina
You can be hung like the proverbial stallion and still lack stamina in the sack.
A big dick won’t last longer than a smaller one or keep you from running out of steam or cumming faster than you’d like.
It doesn’t affect fertility, either
If you’ve got baby-making on the mind, the last thing you need to do is stress about your size.
For starters, sperm is produced in the testicles — not the penis. Plus, there’s evidence that stress can reduce sperm quality and affect fertility.
FYI, stress can also put a kibosh on sexual pleasure, boners, and negatively impact your overall health.
The only thing size can do is affect your game — for better or worse
Peen size can totally affect your game, but how comes down to you.
Learn how to make the most of what you’ve got and all the other ways there are to give pleasure and you’ll be a rockstar. Focus on size alone and you’ll flop — literally and figuratively.
For example, some folks neglect their skillset because they think a big dick is all they need to rock someone’s world… and it’s not.
Others may let worries of a small D drain their confidence, causing them to overcompensate in other ways.
All of these things can take a mental toll on the penis-haver and suck the fun out of a sex sesh for all involved.
How to maximize what you’re working with
Not to keep hammering away at it, but it’s not the size of your penis that matters as much as what you do with it.
There’s nothing quite like leaving your partner writhing in ecstasy to thrust your confidence sky high, which will serve you well, in and out of the bedroom.
Here’s how to max the crap out of what you’ve got and feel good about what you’re working with — whether you lean bigger, smaller, or fall someplace between.
If you’re more endowed
The key to working with a bigger-than-average penis isn’t even really about your penis — at least not at first.
Making sure your partner is super-aroused will make it easier for them to handle your beast of a boner, so some extra focus on foreplay is a must. And lube. Lots of lube.
Use your mouth, tongue, or fingers to tease their erogenous zones, focusing on all the usual suspects, like the nips and genitals, as well as some less explored but surprisingly erotic bits, like the inner arms of behind the knees.
If you’re both ready to move onto penetration, choose positions that allow your partner a little more control over the depth. Having them on top is always a good way to go.
First, they can take you in at a pace that feels good. Plus, you get a bangin’ view of all the action and easy access to their other parts for maximum arousal.
If you’re less endowed
If your penis falls to the smaller side of the spectrum, focus on positions that let you go deep, like doggy style. Take it deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back.
If you have a thinner penis, choose positions that make for a tighter squeeze. This can be any sex position, really, so long as your partner keeps their legs tight together.
Missionary, face-down, and them-on-top positions all work with closed legs.
And don’t let your wang worries make you forget about other types of sex. Add oral sex to the menu as the appetizer or even the main course.
And when giving, incorporate your hands or a sex toy to increase the chances of a clitoral or anal orgasm.
And speaking of orgasms, know that the chances of having them increases greatly with manual or oral stimulation than with intercourse.
You may also find it easier to hit the G spot, A spot, or P spot using your fingers or a toy. Seriously. Give it a try. You can thank us later.
If you’re somewhere in the middle
Well look at you and your not-too-big and not-too-small D, Goldicocks!
In terms of sex positions, anything goes if you aren’t trying to accommodate a penis that falls outside the average range. This is your chance to experiment like mad and fine tune the positions that you and your partner enjoy the most.
As long as your partner’s up for it, mix things up with sex in different places or consider exploring your kinky side.
Sensation play using sex toys, feathers, and ice cubes is a good start, especially if you’re BDSM-curious.
The bottom line
Being good in bed — or anywhere else you choose to get busy — isn’t about penis size, but how you handle it.
Figuring out what feels good for you and your partner and choosing moves that make the most of your penis type will serve you better than worrying will, so get to it!
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Don’t say “period”
— How Florida Republicans are taking aim at basic sex education
A bill wants to restrict when students can discuss “human sexuality” at school.
While many of the controversial education bills in Florida have limited how schools teach about history or gender, the latest, House Bill 1069, is turning back to a more traditional target for conservatives: sex education.
If passed, the law would require that teachers get approval for materials used in sexual health classes, which can only be taught in grades six through 12 under the law. It would also require that schools teach a specific definition of “sex” and “reproductive roles.”
The bill advanced last week at a Florida House Education Quality Subcommittee hearing — bolstered by a Republican supermajority — and is on its way to a vote on the state House floor. Ultimately, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis will likely sign it into law.
The bill joins DeSantis’s two other education initiatives — the “Don’t Say Gay” law and the Stop WOKE Act — in seeking to restrict what teachers can talk about in the classroom. And while it’s nominally about sex education, it would also reinforce those laws’ restrictions on what students learn about gender and relationships, and increase the state’s ability to restrict what students read in the school library by giving parents and community members the power to object to some materials.
During the subcommittee hearing last week, Democrats were aghast that lawmakers didn’t consider whether a topic as innocuous as menstrual cycles would be barred from discussions at school under the legislation. Rep. Ashley Viola Gantt asked Rep. Stan McClain, who proposed the legislation, whether the bill would prohibit young girls from talking about their periods in schools.
“Does this bill prohibit conversations about menstrual cycles ― because we know that typically the age is between 10 and 15 ― so if little girls experience their menstrual cycle in fifth grade or fourth grade, will that prohibit conversations from them since they are in the grade lower than sixth grade?” Gantt asked McClain during the committee hearing. McClain responded that the bill would restrict such conversations, but later said the goal of the bill is not to punish little girls.
“Teachers are a safe place. Schools are a safe place. [But teachers] can’t even talk to their students about these very real and biological things that happen to their bodies, these little girls. It wasn’t even contemplated that little girls can have their periods in third grade or fourth grade,” Gantt said in her testimony. “If we are preparing children to be informed adults, we need to inform them about their bodies and that’s something very basic.”
The bill would regulate Florida’s already disjointed sex ed landscape
Florida schools are not required to teach sex education, but are required to teach comprehensive health education. There is no statewide curriculum for sex education, which makes instruction inconsistent across the state, according to an ABC report. Plus, Florida has long touted its opt-out policy, which allows parents to remove their children from instruction on reproductive health.
Critics of the bill fear that it will push the state away from embracing comprehensive sex education, which advocates say is necessary. A 2019 CDC youth risk behavior study found that more than half of Florida’s 12th graders had already had sexual intercourse; of those who were sexually active, half of them did not use a condom during their last sexual encounter.
The bill is also another avenue for DeSantis and his allies to enforce conservative beliefs about sex and gender. According to the bill, “sex” is either female or male “based on the organization of the body of such person for a specific reproductive role.” One’s reproductive role and sex are determined by their “sex chromosomes, naturally occurring sex hormones, and internal and external genitalia present at birth.”
This law goes further than other proposed legislation that would require teachers to use pronouns that correspond with a student’s gender assigned at birth, which opponents of the proposal have argued is an attack on trans students and faculty members.
In building on earlier book restrictions already in effect in various parts of the state, the law would require that materials used to teach about reproductive health or sexually transmitted diseases be approved by the state education department. The bill does not detail what the approval process would entail. Teachers subject to book bans in certain districts, including the Duval County school district, have already described the process as time consuming and shrouded in mystery.
>Sex ed, health, and science classes that teach about HIV/AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases can only discuss human sexuality in grades six through 12. And the courses must abide by the idea that “biological males impregnate biological females by fertilizing the female egg with male sperm; that the female then gestates the offspring.” Under the law, these reproductive roles are “binary, stable, and unchangeable” — a statement that refuses to admit the existence of trans and nonbinary people.
Democrats also noted that limiting certain discussions to middle school and higher grade levels could be harmful to younger students.
“Imagine a little girl in fourth grade going to the bathroom and finding blood in her panties and thinking that she is dying. This is a reality for little girls in school. They can be in foster care. They could have parents who just work a lot because wages are stagnant and the price of living continues to grow,” Gantt said. “She doesn’t actually know what’s going on. And her teacher doesn’t have the ability to tell her that this is a part of life because she’s in the fourth grade.”
The law doubles down on abstinence education, which the state has long promoted, despite evidence that abstinence-only education does not lower adolescent birth rates. According to the law, teaching abstinence from sexual activity is a “certain way to avoid out-of-wedlock pregnancy.” The law emphasizes that teachers must teach the benefits of monogamous heterosexual marriage. The bill says teachers must teach material that is grade and age appropriate for students but does not offer additional details.
Relatedly, as DeSantis prepares his expected presidential run, his administration is moving to expand its “Don’t Say Gay” law, which took effect in 2022. It bars grades K-3 teachers from teaching about gender identity and sexual orientation, and a proposed State Board of Education rule, which comes up for a vote in April and doesn’t require legislative approval, would expand the restriction to grades four to 12.
The bans keep coming
DeSantis has said his education legislation empowers parents, giving them greater latitude to monitor what happens in classrooms. This bill carries this effort forward, though advocates have said such laws allow parental overreach and take power away from teachers who are experts.
The proposed legislation tasks district school boards with choosing course content and instructional materials used in classrooms. This means that boards have the power to control what’s available in school and classroom libraries and classroom reading lists. They’re also tasked with developing guidelines for how parents can object to what’s being taught and make it easier for them to do so.
The same provision even empowers “a resident of the county” to submit objections. Content can be objected to for a variety of reasons under the law, including if it depicts sexual content, is “not suited to student needs,” or is inappropriate for a student’s grade level or age group.
As with other Florida legislation, if certain material is objected to it must be removed from a classroom within five school days from when the objection was filed and cannot return to the school until the objection is investigated and resolved. If a school district finds an objection to be valid under the law, teachers must discontinue its use.
The bill also opens up avenues for parents to contest a school board’s decision to adopt certain course materials via petition. School districts are to consider petitions during hearings and make a determination. If a parent disagrees with a district’s decision, the law gives them the power to request that the commissioner of education appoint a special magistrate to issue a recommendation for how to resolve the dispute.
These allowances build on legislation that Florida passed last year that limits the kinds of materials that schools can carry in their libraries.
Republicans have argued that these bills do not constitute book bans, but activists say that’s exactly what they are.
“This is a ban because the language in the bill says this information will be removed completely. What if a parent says I don’t want my child to ever be exposed to slavery and that part of our history?” Gantt asked during her testimony. “There are so many ways we can keep children safe and informed and have these conversations.”
If signed by DeSantis, the law would take effect July 1, 2023.
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Do Penis Pumps Work?
— Tips on How to Safely Use a Penis Pump
Sexual health and wellness are vital parts of most adults’ lives. Unfortunately, your sex life can be impacted by reproductive health disorders or other factors. For example, one way that cis-men and people with penises try to enhance their erectile functioning and sexual satisfaction is through the use of penis pumps. However, do penis pumps actually work, and — how do you use them?
By Natasha Weiss
- Penis pumps are non-invasive medical devices used to help create erections.
- <Penis pumps work by increasing blood flow to the penis to help people who have trouble achieving or maintaining erections.
- Penis pumps can be used for erectile dysfunction stemming from several causes as well as to address issues like Peyronie’s disease.
- There is limited data to support the efficacy of penis pumps; however, they are relatively low risk when used correctly.
What is a penis pump?
Penis pumps, also known as vacuum erection devices, are non-invasive medical devices that use vacuum pressure to create an erection. They are mostly used by cis-men or people with penises who have difficulty achieving or maintaining erections.
How does a penis pump work? The basic design of a penis pump typically consists of a plastic cylinder placed over the penis, creating a vacuum seal around the base of the penis. A manual or battery-powered pump is then used to remove the air from the cylinder, which creates negative pressure and draws blood into the penis, resulting in an erection.
Penis pumps are available in various sizes and styles and may include additional features such as a pressure gauge or a release valve to prevent over-pumping. Some models also come with constriction rings or bands that can be placed at the base of the penis to help maintain the erection.
There are several types of penis pumps:
- Vacuum pump
- Hydro pump
- Air vacuum pump
- Battery powered pump
How to use a penis pump
Looking for guidance on how to use a penis pump? Before using one, it’s important to consult with a healthcare provider to ensure it is safe and appropriate for your situation. They can also provide guidance on how to use the device properly and offer tips on maximizing its effectiveness.
Directions for penis pumps vary by manufacturer, but common guidelines include:
- Use a small amount of water-soluble lubricant on the penis and around the opening of your device.
- Place the tube over the penis.
- Create a vacuum by using the pump to pull air out of the tube. Blood will start to flow to the penis, causing an erection.
- To maintain erection, slide the band off the tube and onto the base of the penis before removing the tube.
- You can use more lubricant to help remove the band.
Avoid using too much pressure, as this can lead to injury. Don’t leave the band on for more than 30 minutes, and wait 60 minutes between uses of your device.
Penis pump benefits
One of the key benefits of penis pumps is that they can be used by people dealing with erectile dysfunction (ED) as a non-invasive alternative to medications or surgery. This is because the suction mechanism of a penis pump increases blood flow to the genitals, filling the blood vessels in the penis so that they swell and lead to an erection.
Penis pumps may also benefit people affected by Peyronie’s disease, a condition that causes the penis to curve during an erection. One study found that after 12 weeks, participants had a statistically significant improvement in penile length, angle, and a decrease in pain after using a vacuum pump.
Do penis pumps work for penis enlargement?
Some manufacturers even claim that penis pumps can be used for penis enlargement. However, do penis enlargement pumps work? Another study found that after six months of use, the mean penile length had increased from 7.6 to 7.9 cm, which is not a significant difference. In addition, while the treatment was only about 10% effective, the patient satisfaction rate was 30%, indicating more psychological gratification than actual changes.
Can penis pumps help with ED?
Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a condition where someone has difficulty achieving or sustaining an erection. About 1 in 10 males deal with erectile dysfunction that interferes with their sex lives long-term. Erectile dysfunction becomes more common with age and can be caused by vascular disorders that affect blood flow to the penis, neurological conditions like multiple sclerosis, mental health issues, and injuries.
One of the main reasons people use penis pumps is to help treat erectile dysfunction. So, do penis pumps work for ED? Some research suggests they do. For example, one study found that 26 out of 28 men (93%) were satisfied after using a vacuum erection device for erectile dysfunction.
Do penis pumps actually work?
Some things may seem too good to be true, so the question is, “Do penis pumps work?” Well, that depends on several factors. The effectiveness of penis pumps varies depending on the severity of erectile dysfunction, someone’s overall health, the quality of the device, and whether they’re using it correctly.
There is research that backs up the effectiveness of penis pumps for erectile dysfunction and Peyronie’s disease — but there are limited studies with small sample sizes. That being said, they’re relatively easy to use, with few risks, especially when compared to the potential risks of other treatments like medication.
While penis pumps may benefit people in the short term, they don’t address the underlying cause of erectile dysfunction or what may be interfering with your sex life. So it’s also important to be aware of their potential risks.
Are there any risks associated with penis pumps?
Is a penis pump safe? While penis pumps are generally considered safe, there are some risks associated with their use.
When using one, the penis can become slightly cool to the touch and blue-purple. You can apply a warm compress to help warm the penis before sex. Some people don’t ejaculate when climaxing after using a penis pump, as wearing a band can stop semen from passing. However, it’s important to note that this is not an effective method of birth control.
Additionally, over-pumping can cause bruising, small red spots on the skin (petechiae), swelling, and pain, and may even damage the blood vessels and tissues in the penis. Prolonged use of a penis pump can also lead to decreased sensitivity or numbness in the penis.
Furthermore, it is important to use the device as directed and talk to a healthcare provider before using a penis pump, especially if you have a history of blood clotting disorders, Peyronie’s disease, other medical conditions, or if you’re taking blood-thinning medications.
What else can help improve sexual function?
Penis pumps aren’t the only option for treating erectile dysfunction and enhancing sexual wellness. Here are some other ways you can improve sexual function:
- Oral medications. Sildenafil (Viagra) or tadalafil (Cialis) can help increase blood flow to the penis.
- Penile injections. Medications are injected directly into the penis to help improve blood flow.
- Lifestyle changes. That includes maintaining a healthy weight, quitting smoking, and getting regular exercise.
- Mental health support. It’s essential to address psychological factors that may be affecting sexual function.
- Penile implants. It involves implanting an inflatable device to help create an erection.
- Surgery. Applies for treating Peyronie’s disease.
While penis implants may help some people, there is limited data to support their use. In addition, what works best for each individual may vary depending on the underlying cause of their sexual dysfunction. A healthcare provider can help determine the most appropriate treatment plan based on a patient’s individual needs and medical history.
Can penis pumps enlarge my penis?
Penis pumps may increase penis size temporarily, but not by a significant amount. This is thanks to an increase in blood flow in the penis, which can help create more length and girth, and promote sexual function. Results vary from person to person, but typically last around 30 minutes.
Is it risky to use penis pumps?
Penis pumps can cause side effects like bruising and swelling, but they are relatively low risk when used correctly. Using them too frequently or for long periods of time can potentially cause tissue damage to the penis, impairing erections and sexual function.
Are penis pumps medically approved?
Yes, penis pumps are medically approved devices that originally required a prescription to obtain – some insurance companies will even cover the cost of a penis pump. Now, there are more on the market that don’t require prescriptions, but a medically approved device that’s approved by your doctor is the safest choice.
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‘Grower’ or ‘Shower’
— Scientists Define Categories for Penis Erections
By Bob Curley
- In a new study, researchers are categorizing penises in terms of how much they grow during erections.
- They label penises that are relatively large when flaccid as “showers” while those that are smaller at first and then grow substantially during erections as “growers.”
- They say the classifications could be useful in some surgeries.
Size isn’t everything.
And, according to new research, when it comes to erections, where men start isn’t necessarily an indication of where they finish.
Some men are considered “showers” — having a visibly larger penis when flaccid — while others are “growers” — appearing smaller at first, but exhibiting a larger penis size when erect.
European researchers are actually defining the terms scientifically to see how many men fall into each category.
Their findings were presented at the European Association of Urology (EAU) Congress in Milan, Italy. The study hasn’t been published yet in a peer-reviewed journal.
Urologists from three hospitals in Madrid, Spain, studied 225 men, taking ultrasound scans of their flaccid and erect penises.
They concluded that men whose penis increased in size by more than 56% when erect can be considered “growers” while those whose penises increased by less than 31% should be categorized as “showers.”
However, less than half of the men studied fit either definition.
Researchers led by Dr. Manuel Alonso-Isa of University Hospital HM Puerta del Sur in Madrid found that 24% of men were “growers” while 25 percent were “showers.”
The rest fell in the middle.
“This study gives credence to the concepts of the fact that some patients will have more of enlargement of their penis than others with an erection,” said Dr. Stanton Honig, the director of male urology at Yale University in Connecticut.
”It does not comment as to whether men who have shorter penises are more likely to grow than men with longer penises, so further work is necessary here,” he told Healthline.
Why the study is important
The study had a serious purpose.
The researchers said that the findings could help physicians make surgical decisions.
“It is important to be able to predict if a patient is a grower or a shower as when we see them, they are usually in a flaccid state,” said Alonso-Isa. “If they grow a lot when they get an erection, it might mean they need a different surgical approach compared to someone who doesn’t grow much.”
Men who had longer penises when flaccid were more likely to be “showers,” the study found, while growers tended to have thinner layers of the tissue known as tunica albuginea, which surrounds the spongy erectile tissue inside the penis.
“This makes sense as the tissue is being stretched further,” said Alonso-Isa.
However, researchers were unable to establish any relationship between shower/grower tendencies and factors such as age, weight, or smoking status.
Experts said having a baseline definition of penile-growth characteristics could have medical and mental health benefits for men.
“This is a frequent area of concern for our patients and the emphasis should be on normalizing baseline and erectile length for all,” said Maarten Albersen, a urologist at the University of Leuven in Belgium.
How men may view the research
Dr. Nicole Prause, a sexual psychophysiologist whose expertise includes genital physiology, said the classifications in the study are “purely clinical judgment.”
“They are not tied to any other meaningful physiological, psychological, or relationship characteristic,” she told Healthline. “To me, the distinction appears to be just physiological: those with a shorter penis when they are flaccid are much more likely to have a larger relative increase.”
“What is interesting is that men are more likely to express dissatisfaction with their flaccid size,” she said. “This suggests that men, since they tend to be shorter when they are flaccid, are focusing on the ‘worst case’ rather than being excited to have such a large increase.”
From a human sexuality standpoint, the question of whether a man is a “shower” or a “grower” is largely irrelevant, Nancy Sutton Pierce, a California-based clinical sexologist, told Healthline.
That penis size is still a primary concern for men reflects “the false pretense the sexual gratification of women relies on the measurement of the penis,” said Pierce.
“If the women’s clitoris isn’t being stimulated in some way, shape, or form, she isn’t going to be having a lot of fun no matter how big or how small the penis is,” she said.
She advised men that “you are more than your penis size.”
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Penises Have Gotten Surprisingly Longer Over the Past 29 Years, Study Finds
— The average length of an erect penis has increased 24 percent over 3 decades, from 4.8 to 6 inches, but researchers worry that negative environmental factors may be responsible.
By Don Rauf
While recent research has shown that average sperm counts and testosterone levels have been in decline for men over the past few decades, erect penile length has surprisingly been trending in the opposite direction, according to a new global study.
A team led by Michael L. Eisenberg, MD, the director of male reproductive medicine and surgery and a urology professor at Stanford University School of Medicine in California, analyzed penis measurements from 75 studies conducted between 1942 and 2021, which recorded this anatomical data from more than 55,000 men ages 18 to 86.
In the context of studies that have found decreasing sperm counts and testosterone levels, “We expected that we would see a similar declining trend when we looked at penile length,” says Dr. Eisenberg, who is also a specialist in male sexual function, “but we found quite the opposite.”
Researchers Looked at 20 Studies Involving 18,000 Males
The results, published February 14 in the World Journal of Men’s Health, identified an increase of 24 percent in the average erect penis length between 1992 (when the first erect lengths were recorded) and 2021. The change over those 29 years increased from an average of 4.8 inches to an average of 6 inches. The calculations were determined from 20 studies that recorded those measures in more than 18,000 males in that time period.
The pooled data also included measures for flaccid length and stretched length (a way to estimate erect penile length). All measures included were conducted by investigators and none were self-reported. The study team noted that erect length increased significantly over time in several regions of the world and across all age groups, while no trends were identified in other penile size measurements.
Eisenberg suggested that stretch lengths did not follow the same trend as erect lengths because there were differences in how measurements were taken, including how hard a clinician pulled for measuring. Techniques for measuring erect penises, however, appeared quite consistent.
Environmental Factors May Play a Role in Increasing Penis Lengths
“Our reproductive system is one of the most important pieces of human biology. If we’re seeing this fast of a change, it means that something powerful is happening to our bodies,” says Eisenberg. “We should try to confirm these findings and if confirmed, we must determine the cause of these changes.”
He suggested that a number of environmental factors may be involved, such as exposure to hormone-disrupting chemicals in our surroundings (pesticides, for example). Some research has indicated that chemical exposure may be linked to boys and girls going into puberty earlier, which may affect genital development, according to Eisenberg.
He added that research has found an association between early pubertal timing and high rates of obesity and sedentary behavior, so that may be a driver behind the trend as well.
Could the Rise of the Internet Have Played a Part?
Larry Lipshultz, MD, the chief of the Scott Department of Urology’s Division of Male Reproductive Medicine and Surgery at Baylor College of Medicine in Texas, who was not involved in the study, found the results surprising given that most environmental and lifestyle factors seem to inhibit reproductive health.
He did propose, however, that the advent of the internet, starting in the mid-1980s, could possibly have played a role.
“You might possibly blame online porn, but that’s just a theory,” says Dr. Lipshultz. “The more someone has erections, there might be greater potential for better erections. The tissue would stretch more, hence would get longer.”
Bigger Is Not Necessarily Better
While some may view an increase in penis length as good news overall, Raevti Bole, MD, a urologist affiliated with the Cleveland Clinic who specializes in male sexual medicine and erectile dysfunction, stresses that people may put too much value on penis size.
“Overall I think the results are good in that they don’t show a deterioration [of the penis] — but at the end of the day penile length is very subjective, and I think there can be a negative to focusing on this,” says Dr. Bole, who was not one of the study researchers. “There’s a real emphasis on size in popular culture and social media, so I think it’s important for doctors to reinforce that bigger is not necessarily better. My point is size doesn’t necessarily correlate to sexual satisfaction. Patients can feel bad about penis size, and that’s a problem.”
More Research Is Needed
The next big step in terms of research for Eisenberg is to look at other patient populations (such as children and adolescents) to see if there are similar changes, because it may turn out to be an early indicator of a change in human development.
“Also, if there’s granular data on lifestyle factors or environmental exposures, we could try to understand why this may be happening,” he says.
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Blue Balls
— A Cause of Testicular Pain
Anyone who has ever experienced “blue balls” can tell you that it is a painful and frustrating consequence of sexual arousal. Of the many causes of pain in the testicles and scrotum, blue balls are the most benign. It is not a serious medical condition, but that does not make it any less tolerable. Here is what you need to know about blue balls and what you can do to relieve the pain.
- Blue balls (epididymal hypertension) is a real condition that causes pain and tenderness in the testicles and scrotum after prolonged sexual arousal without ejaculation or orgasm.
- Blue balls is temporary, usually lasting no more than a few hours, but can be relieved through sexual release, a cold shower or cold compress, or the Valsalva maneuver.
- Severe, persistent, or worsening scrotal or testicular pain may indicate a medical emergency, not blue balls.
What are blue balls?
Blue balls also called “lover’s nuts” or epididymal hypertension is a condition that causes scrotal and testicular pain. Epididymal hypertension can occur after prolonged sexual stimulation without sexual release. In other words, being sexually excited by foreplay or other sexually arousing activities that do not end in ejaculation or orgasm can lead to tender and painful testicles.
Medically speaking, the condition known as blue balls is poorly understood. There is little to no research into the causes and treatments of epididymal hypertension and there is only one known case report present in the current medical literature. This lack of published research is because epididymal hypertension is not a medical emergency and has no long-term negative effects on health. It is a real condition, but it is nothing to be alarmed about.
What are the symptoms of blue balls?
The primary symptoms of blue balls are pain and tenderness in the scrotum and testicles. The skin of the scrotum can also develop a slightly bluish tint. The experience varies between individuals but can be described as aching, heaviness, or fullness of the testicles. The discomfort may also be felt in the groin and lower abdomen. Blue balls do not cause swelling, bleeding, discharge, or fever. The pain subsides within a few hours (or less) without requiring treatment.
What causes blue balls?
While epididymal hypertension is not well understood, it is believed that a buildup of excess blood in the testicles after sexual arousal causes blue balls. Blood flows into the penis and testicles during sexual arousal and normally leaves the genitals after achieving orgasm. However, when the blood does not leave the testicles it can lead to pain.
Treating blue balls
There are several ways to relieve the pain of blue balls:
Give it time: blue balls typically only lasts for a few hours at most before resolving on its own.
Sexual release: ejaculating or having an orgasm through intercourse or masturbation can relieve blue balls quickly.
Cool it down: taking a cold shower or applying a cool compress (such as a towel soaked in cold water) may help relieve the pain of blue balls.
Try the Valsalva maneuver: the Valsalva maneuver can help relax blood vessels, allowing blood to leave the testicles.
Other recommendations for relieving the pain include distracting yourself to take your mind off of sexual arousal or exercising to increase blood flow out of the groin.
Other causes of testicular pain
Having blue balls can be a very unpleasant experience, but it is not a serious medical issue. However, many other conditions can cause pain in the testicles and scrotum, including some serious medical emergencies. Pain in the testicles and/or scrotum that is severe or is associated with bleeding, discharge, nausea, vomiting, fever, or swelling can indicate a serious medical condition. If you have symptoms other than mild to moderate pain or discomfort that lasts for up to a few hours, you should seek medical help immediately.
Testicular torsion is a medical emergency that can cause intense scrotal and testicular pain that usually comes on suddenly. Epididymitis or orchitis causes painful inflammation of the testes due to an infection that requires medical treatment. Testicular varicoceles can also cause testicular or scrotal pain. Varicoceles are caused by enlarged veins in the scrotum, similar to varicose veins, that can feel like a ”bag of worms”. While this is not an emergency, it may affect fertility.
Sexual arousal without sexual release can lead to blue balls, a real medical condition that causes pain in the scrotum and testicles. It is a temporary condition that resolves on its own and does not require treatment, but there are steps you can take to relieve the pain. Sexual release is the fastest way to relieve pain from blue balls, but this should never be used as an excuse to pressure anyone into sex.
While blue balls are not a serious condition, pain in the scrotum or testicles should always be a cause for concern. Seek immediate medical attention for severe or persistent pain in the testicles lasting more than a few hours.
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Sex After 50
— Don’t Lose That Lovin’ Feeling
Connection, communication and self-acceptance keep intimacy alive
Although advancing age can pose some challenges to a healthy sex life, with a shift in perspective, intimacy can still be satisfying, good for your health and overall fun.
Frequently discussed obstacles include:
- Vaginal dryness/atrophy.
- Erectile dysfunction.
- Lost libido.
- More extended refractory periods.
- Sexually transmitted infections.
- The emotional toll of disappointing encounters and disconnection.
However, the future does not have to be bleak. “We all need to acknowledge that sex after fifty (like pretty much anything with our bodies) isn’t the same as when we were twenty,” said Karyn Eilber, MD, a board-certified urologist and associate professor of urology and obstetrics and gynecology at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.
With age comes experience. “Middle age also brings wisdom and confidence in our lives, so why not take that wisdom and confidence to the bedroom?” she suggests. Noting that with some education and normalization of the discussion of sexual health, women and their partners can benefit.
For example, women can discuss hormone replacement therapy with their doctor if they are experiencing menopause-related issues. Incontinence and prolapse can also affect a woman’s sex life after 50.
Also, pelvic floor physical therapy for a more robust pelvic floor may improve incontinence, prolapse, and sexual function.
Vital Connection
Emotional connectivity is central to long-term well-being and satisfaction. Previous studies show that loneliness, or feeling alone regardless of the amount of social contact and touch starvation (when a person has little to no physical contact for a prolonged time), might contribute to chronic disease.
“Chronological age does not define me.”
These include depression and anxiety, as well as an increase in stress, cortisol and infection, poor quality of sleep, and digestive issues.
According to Daniel Boyer, MD, of Farr Institute in Des Moines, Iowa, maintaining a closer relationship can help improve mental and physical health and increase creativity, productivity and social interaction.
Intimacy can also provide a sense of security, help build strong relationships and deepen connections with others.
Shifting Your Mindset
Confronting myths and misconceptions about sex in middle age — such as “people age out of sex,” “it is unsatisfying,” “desire is not existent as we age,” or “older bodies are unattractive” — leads to enhanced intimacy.
The issue of unconscious ageism is often a critical factor that affects sexuality and sexual intimacy, said Carla Marie Manly, PhD., a clinical psychologist and author of “Aging Joyfully.”
“While we can often get support from medical practitioners to help with underlying physical changes, the psychological elements that affect sexuality and a sense of self are often overlooked,” Manly said.
She also noted that people in their 50s can enjoy the best sex by letting go of stereotypes and exploring the beauty of more mature sexuality.
Becoming aware of often-unconscious self-ageism is the first step. Then age-negative thoughts, such as “younger women/men are more desirable” or “I am fat and past my prime,” can be addressed and transformed into a more age-positive attitude.
Phrases like “chronological age does not define me,” “I am glad to be able to contribute my energy to my community,” or “I enjoy giving and sharing with those I love” are a few examples. In addition, practicing a mantra, such as “I am a valuable, passionate, resilient person” or “I love who I am,” is helpful.
Another common misconception is that libido fades or ends as we get older so that in the late adulthood stage of life, individuals no longer have sexual desire, explained cognitive behavioral coachRobin Buckley, PhD.
Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.
“This is inaccurate and becomes part of how society dehumanizes older individuals. Yes, libido can vary with age and biological changes, but it doesn’t mean it is the end of our sexual desire. It might take different strategies to encourage and sustain the libido, but it is possible to have a strong libido throughout life.”
Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.
“If you are in a relationship, take time to determine what parts of it are satisfying and what parts you’d like to improve so you can improve your experience. This will likely increase your libido because you will be and will feel more connected to your partner,” she said.
Whether coupled or uncoupled, taking time to appreciate yourself is essential for self-esteem and libido. “This includes doing things that connect you to the things you love. Tap into your sensuality through experiences that stimulate your senses. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend,” Buckley added.
Jessica Jolie Badonsky, a registered family nurse practitioner, emphasized people are more than the sum of their aging parts. For example, men’s refractory time lengthens with age, meaning after orgasm and ejaculation, it may take longer until the body is primed to do it again.
“This doesn’t mean that sex has to stop. On the contrary, the organ that can get stimulated over and over is the biggest sex organ, the brain,” Badonsky said.
Moreover, by expanding the definition of sex (not just penetration/orgasm), couples can bring in erotic elements, such as spending more time cuddling, kissing, talking, and exploring touch, like mutual massage.
Extended foreplay allows couples to take time to get in the mood, set it, and discuss what they want. Often post-menopausal women can have vaginal dryness even while excited, so vaginal moisturizers that are pH balanced and as free from fragrance and additives as possible can be used.
Maintain and Revive The Connection
Frequently people over 50 have more time for romance, said Lisa Concepcion, a certified professional life and relationship coach. “There’s an excellent window of opportunity to reinvent and reconnect as a couple once the nest is empty and before grandchildren.”
For instance, couples who have raised kids can come together and decide on what they want to achieve in this next stage of life. Couples who set new goals connect, and where there’s a connection, there’s intimacy and good sex,” she suggested.
Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire…speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.
Buckley advocated making a confidential appointment, such as a date night or time in the early morning, to relax and reconnect. “As adults, we tend to put important things on our calendars, like appointments, work meetings, and vacations, to ensure we remember to do them and to allow enough time for those activities to occur,” she said.
“Research shows that as individuals enter midlife, the frequency of sex decreases due to children, care for elderly parents, and work/life stressors. If having time to connect with your partner physically and emotionally is important to you, then why wouldn’t it be on your calendar to make sure it happens?” she said.
“Keeping the libido stimulated through masturbation, physical affection, or sexual touching helps keep your libido engaged. Having a regular sex life is part of the process.”
Communicate Wants and Feelings
Creating a space to communicate honestly and freely without negative consequences is part of sustaining a solid connection with your partner. Once individuals know themselves and their preferences, they can better communicate them to their partners.
“Many women are still ashamed of the idea of masturbation due to societal double standards and stereotypes regarding sexuality and women. But when approximately 15% of women have never had an orgasm, and 81% do not orgasm through vaginal penetration, the most significant benefit masturbation offers for women is an understanding of what sexual practices work best for their body,” said Buckley.
Likewise, women can learn to use different techniques to achieve the best results. “They develop greater awareness about their individualized signs of arousal or climax and learn how to control their responses, creating sexual experiences they want.”
Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire physically or emotionally, speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.
More Intimacy Tips
- Accept each other “as is:” Despite your current body (sagging breasts, a big stomach, or a slow start-up to arousal), accepting oneself is vital.
- Strive for ease: Be playful and use humor to lighten the mood, which can ease embarrassment if things don’t go as planned. When problems occur, switch from intercourse to whole-body light touching and kissing or agree to cuddle and talk. Then try again later.
- Be health conscious: Activities that contribute to physical health also contribute to higher libido. So, get on a regular sleep schedule, avoid smoking, keep to a nutrition plan rich in vegetables, lean proteins and low in sugar and exercise daily.
- Get physical: Life coach Concepcion, 51, says she and her partner prioritize physical health. “The sex is the best of my life. We’re making love five days a week on average,” she says. “We both maintain good health. We work in our home gym, walk five miles three times weekly, and have fun cooking low-carb meals together. Stretching for ten minutes daily can make a big difference in the bedroom.”
- Manage mental health: High stress or anxiety levels can reduce libido. Managing these are beneficial for sexual desire and physical health, Buckley notes. Orgasms are an effective method to relieve stress, so masturbation should be a part of self-care.
- Talk it out: “If there are any issues in your relationship—or your past, such as trauma, abuse or shame—it pays to find a compatible therapist and delve into them,” says sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. “Your partner can accompany you to a couples’ counselor; if they don’t go, do it solo.”
- Keep exploring: For some users, sexual toys add to the intimate experience. “Toys can be great fun, extremely pleasurable, and a way to explore, but they can also help partners deal with anorgasmia (delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms), erectile dysfunction, and other situations that change or affect our sexual expression,” explains Queen. “More importantly, playing with sex toys helps de-center simplistic ideas of what sex should or must be and helps people understand that pleasure can be whole-body and accessible in many ways. That can reassure people whose bodies are changing or who never felt they were getting the kind of stimulation that worked for them in the first place. But beyond that, it can open doors to erotic possibilities many people might not have explored, which can help couples think about intimacy differently.”
- Advocate for your health: Speak up and discuss changes in your body, pain, difficulties, and concerns with your physician.
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Why is the clit so sensitive?
Thanks to over 10,000 nerves, first real count finds
- Researchers sought to quantify the number of nerve fibers that innervate the human clitoris by analyzing samples of clitoral nerve tissue from human volunteers.
- They found that the human clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers on average, which exceeds a previous estimate based on a study in cows.
- A better understanding of human clitoral innervation has ramifications for many areas of medical practice, including gender-affirming surgery and repair of the dorsal clitoral nerve after genital mutilation or surgical injury.
The clitoris — a pleasure-producing sexual organ that is located where the labia minora (inner lips) meet and extends along both sides of the vagina — is the female equivalent of the penis.
In fact, the clitoris originates from the same mass of tissue in the embryo that gives rise to the penis.
Although it carries the same importance in sexual functioning, the clitoris has been less widely studied than its male counterpart.
Overturning outdated assumptions
Researchers are aware that the clitoris has a substantial supply of nerves — cordlike structures composed of nerve fibers (or axons) — that conduct signals between the brain and spinal cord and other parts of the body.
However, the number of nerve fibers within the human clitoris has never been officially quantified. The most often-cited claim is that the clitoris has “8,000 nerve endings,” but this figure originates from a bovine study mentioned in a book titled The Clitoris, which appeared in 1976.
To rectify this outdated piece of essential information, a study led by the Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) examined tissue samples of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris in an effort to quantify the number of nerve fibers innervating the human clitoris.
The dorsal nerve, which consists of two symmetrical, tube-like structures, is the main nerve responsible for clitoral sensation.
The researchers presented the results of this first known count of human clitoral tissue at a scientific conference hosted by the Sexual Medicine Society of North America and the International Society for Sexual Medicine on October 27, 2022. A detailed paper explaining the study will appear in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
“[T]his [study] highlights the broad scope of knowledge gaps that are present within vulvar health. These fundamental gaps […] ultimately do result in significant consequences for patients,” Dr. Maria Uloko, study co-author and assistant professor of urology at the University of California, San Diego, told Medical News Today.
“There are numerous statistics regarding the difficulty of access to care for common vulvar conditions, [which] lead to significant healthcare cost[s] to patients as well as the healthcare system. We are talking [about] billions of dollars spent on vulvar and urinary conditions alone. And the societal cost of the psychological symptoms associated with just trying to get a diagnosis really can’t be quantified but they are quite high. This research is the start of reassessing what we know about the vulva and filling in those knowledge gaps.”
– Dr. Maria Uloko
10, 281 nerve fibers on average
The researchers obtained clitoris tissue samples from seven transmasculine volunteers who were undergoing a gender-affirming surgical procedure known as phalloplasty.
During a phalloplasty, surgeons use tissues taken from the person’s clitoris and other body parts to construct a functional penis.
The researchers looked at one half of the dorsal nerve, magnifying it 1,000 times under a microscope, and used image analysis software to count the individual nerve fibers.
In each sample, they found 5,140 nerve fibers on average. Since the dorsal clitoral nerve is symmetrical, they multiplied this number by two, concluding that the average dorsal nerve of the clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers, with a possible count ranging from 9,852 to 11,086.
This result is about 20% higher than the conventional estimate of 8,000 nerve fibers.
To put the findings in perspective, study coauthor Dr. Blair Peters, an assistant professor of surgery at the OHSU School of Medicine and a plastic surgeon who specializes in gender-affirming care, notes that:
“Even though the hand is many, many times larger than the clitoris, the median nerve [which runs through the wrist and hand] only contains about 18,000 nerve fibers, or fewer than two times the nerve fibers that are packed into the much-smaller clitoris.”
Study implications
The researchers believe that establishing the number of fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve is an important step in the understanding of clitoral innervation and sexual response.
It should also draw attention to the need for more education, research, and funding attributed to studying the clitoris.
“Importantly, there are few options available to people who have suffered nerve damage to the clitoris and researchers should build on this work to be able to better treat these conditions. It should [equally] importantly be seen that this work came from trans people and is for people of all genders,” Dr. Peters told MNT.
One field that will benefit from the results of this study is clitoral reconstruction following female genital mutilation (FGM). There have been several reports of injury to the clitoris and its nerves as a result of FGM.
The researchers hope that their findings will lead to new surgical techniques to repair injured nerves.
Dr. Bahir Edouard Elias, a plastic, esthetic and reconstructive surgeon specializing in the field of surgical reconstruction after FGM, who did not contribute to the current research, told MNT that this “excellent study […] will be of great help” in that area.
Dr. Peters believes that the results of this study will improve sensory outcomes for transgender patients undergoing phalloplasty as the surgeon can better select which nerves to connect during the procedure.
The researchers are also hopeful that their findings could help reduce accidental nerve injuries during elective female genital cosmetic surgery. However, Dr. John G Hunter, professor of clinical surgery at Weill Cornell Medicine and attending plastic surgeon at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, expressed some skepticism in his comments to MNT.
“As [a] surgeon who has performed over 1,000 labiaplasties, with clitoral hood alteration in approximately half, my patients virtually never report negative ‘sexual function’ consequences from the procedure postoperatively,” he said.
“This is supported by published literature. But this is subjective, and follow-up is rarely longer than 4–6 months for labia minora (inner lip) reduction. Gender-reaffirming surgery is entirely different. It also includes much more psychological overtones,” he added.
According to Dr. Hunter, “[m]ore studies are needed, but [it is uncertain] that one will ever be able to correlate gross anatomical findings with functional — especially erotic/ sensory — findings in genital anatomy.”
Study limitations and next steps
When asked about the study’s limitations, Dr. Peters noted that the study had a small cohort and only one sample was collected from each participant.
Furthermore, all participants were on testosterone therapy. While hormone therapy should not impact nerve fiber count, the analysis of tissue samples from individuals who are not on exogenous hormones would support the study.
Another limitation, Dr. Peters pointed out, is that “the total number [of nerve fibers] was calculated assuming bilateral symmetric innervation” — that is, that the dorsal nerve is symmetrical.
The researchers also noted that the study focuses on myelinated nerve fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve. Since unmyelinated nerve fibers and other nerves in the clitoris were not counted, the result of this study likely underestimates the number of nerve fibers in the human clitoris.
In the future, Dr. Peters would like to conduct similar studies on the penis glans (or head), with the hope of shedding more light on the two organs and aiding surgeons in creating a functional clitoris for transgender patients.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
The Clitoris Exists
– And Yes, We Need to Talk About It, Says This Expert
For all we now know about the human body, the clitoris is still something of a mystery. That lack of knowledge hurts roughly half the world, studies show.
It’s the sexual health question that remains relatively unanswered, to the point that our shared ignorance is widely joked about: What is the clitoris?
“It’s completely ignored by pretty much everyone,” Dr. Rachel Rubin, a urologist and sexual health specialist practicing in the D.C. area, recently told The New York Times. “There is no medical community that has taken ownership in the research, in the management, in the diagnosis of vulva-related conditions.”
We do know *some* things. It’s a body part with both internal and external components containing over 8,000 nerve endings – and as such, it plays a pivotal role in the enjoyment of sex for those who possess one.
But perhaps because its function revolves largely around women’s sexual pleasure – or because we, on a societal level, feel discomfort around discussing such topics – it’s not studied or taught about in any intentional way. In fact Rubin, upon trying to recall what she learned about it during her years of medical school and training, says “if it got any mention, it would be a side note at best.”
The results of this system-wide oversight are no laughing matter.
For starters, lack of knowledge of the clitoral region has resulted in injury – sometimes permanent, almost always preventable – during routine procedures ranging from pelvic meshes and episiotomies to even hip surgeries, the Times reported. A 2018 study (which Rubin co-authored) also found that sexual health problems often went undiagnosed due to a widespread failure on the part of practitioners to properly examine the area.
The resulting discomfort, pain or, in some cases, loss of sexual sensation, can be devastating for patients. Take Gillian – identified only by her first name in the Times – who told the paper about a botched vulvar biopsy that subsequently robbed her of her ability to achieve an orgasm. Her arousal during intimate moments “ended into nothing … and that’s still how it is” 4 years on.
Worse still, when seeking out assistance, guidance or simply answers from specialists, Gillian says doctors wrote the problem off as everything from temporary loss of sensation due to scarring from the procedure, to a symptom of perimenopause. “This changed my whole life,” she told the Times. “The devastation from this is something you can never repair. Ever.”
And perhaps it didn’t have to be that way – but because of the knowledge gap around the clitoris, it’s hard to know. That’s why Rubin and other experts are now calling, with renewed vigor, for a concerted group effort toward better understanding the organ. More studies, more mapping – and more consensus around the idea that pleasure for all people is worthy of medical priority.
“I truly believe we are just several decades behind on the female side,” she added to the Times. “But we have to do the work. And we have to have people interested in doing the work.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to feel confident during sex if your body has changed
by Beth Ashley
Strictly Come Dancing stars Ola and James Jordan recently spoke about their sex life declining due to their respective weight gain, saying: ‘the bellies get in the way of us when it comes to sex – It’s not as exciting’.
They’re certainly not the only people to have felt this way.
While Ola and James seem to be keeping positive about their experiences with weight gain, many people feel distressed over their bodies – particularly in the context of sex. In the UK, 61% of adults feel negative or ‘very negative’ about their body image ‘most of the time’. And when it comes to the bedroom, one in 10 women in the UK feel self-conscious about their bodies during sex, according to research from 2019 about body and sexual confidence, along with 3% of British men.
One of those women is 35-year-old stay at home mum Joanne.
‘After I finished having all my kids – three boys – my body was changed forever,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. ‘My husband says he still thinks I’m hot but I don’t believe him. How can he? My body is so different from when we started seeing each other ten years ago.’
Retail assistant Aimee, 26, feels similarly, sharing: ‘My boyfriend and I have been going through a dry spell since we had our baby. My belly is huge and my boobs are on the floor and I just can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with me.”’
Many people, especially women, feel pressure to adhere to specific body standards (namely being thin) to make themselves more desirable for sex. But while significant weight gain might impact your mobility in some ways (James Jordan, for instance, shared that he misses being able to hold Ola over his head), it doesn’t affect your desirability, your worth, nor your access to sexual pleasure.
In fact, one study into weight gain’s correlation with sexual frequency showed that the volume of sexual activity amongst participants ‘did not differ significantly by weight status’. In fact, sexually active overweight or obese men and women who were overweight had more regular sexual intercourse than those who were not.
HR assistant Hattie, 27, says her sex life improved after her and her husband gained weight.
‘Perhaps it helped that neither of us noticed our weight gain until we were really thinking about it, but we started having sex so much more after we got fat,’ she tells us. ‘There’s so much more of us to play with!’
Hattie recommends ‘leaning in’ to your new body and using it for sex instead of ‘being mean to it’.
‘Bellies don’t get in the way of sex, they get involved,’ she says. ‘Have your partner touch and kiss your new belly. And do that for him too. Take it as an opportunity to have new kinds of squishy sex.’
Hattie’s right, because fatness, no matter how much you have of it, has nothing to do with sex. Not really.
When we feel bad about our bodies or we’re put off sex because of them, this is mostly psychological. When we have a poor body image, we’ll convince ourselves that our perceived worth has tanked. But this is untrue.
If you’re having sex with people who are really into you (and we hope that you are), their hots for you will go far beyond what your body looks like.
Unfortunately, a poor body image is not so easy to discard because we’ve grown up with ideas about what makes the ‘ideal’ body from a very young age.
But Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator who specialises in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity, has a few ideas on how you should reframe your thinking if you’re worried about sex after weight gain.
‘It helps to reframe the idea that you have to be a certain size to enjoy pleasure,’ she notes.
‘Understand that your body is capable of having pleasure and giving pleasure no matter what size you are,’ she says. ‘You’re still worthy of sexual pleasure, having sexual enjoyment and being appreciated no matter what your body looks like.’
There are practices you can try to start rebuilding your confidence with sex after bodily changes, whether it be weight gain, weight loss, injury or something else entirely.
Mirror exercises
When you come out of the bathroom after shower or a bath, spend some time looking at yourself naked in the mirror.
‘Just sort of look at yourself,’ Gigi says. ‘And instead of pointing out a bunch of things that you don’t like about yourself, point out things that you do like about yourself, like your lips or your boobs.’
This reframes your thinking through positive reinforcement. It feels a bit silly at first but after a few goes, it will feel natural to compliment yourself.
Positive affirmations
You can try writing positive affirmations around your house where you’ll see them. A lot of people like to write them on post-it notes and stick them to their mirrors, cupboard doors or fridges.
Write whatever you think you need to hear.
We recommend: ‘My weight has nothing to do with my sexiness’. That might be a good place to start.
Masturbation
Gigi recommends good old masturbation for tapping into sexual confidence.
‘I would start rebuilding the sex that you’d have with yourself before bringing in the partner because when people masturbate more their self image improves,’ she suggests.
Reframe sex
When you’re about to have sex or you’re thinking about having sex, try to focus on the positive experiences you’re going to gain from it instead of your body or your weight. Think ‘I’m going to have a good orgasm’ or ‘we’re going to feel really connected’ instead.
Ultimately, your sexual partner is not going to be judging you and you’re not going to judge them.
Good people are empathetic towards one another, especially during sex, and after plenty of internal work (and trying the exercises above) your worries about your weight and the (totally false) idea that it ruins sex will melt away.
Gigi adds: The more you can positively reinforce that your body’s capable and deserving of having pleasure, the more comfortable you will feel in your skin, and the less perturbed you will be about any weight gain.’
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What Is a Wet Dream?
It’s perfectly normal and can happen to both males and females
A wet dream, also known as nocturnal emission, is a spontaneous orgasm during sleep that causes a male to ejaculate (“cum”) and a female to orgasm and secrete vaginal fluids. A wet dream is a perfectly normal occurrence, especially during the teenage years or when an adult has an extended period of sexual abstinence (not having sex).
This article explains what causes wet dreams in males and females. It also describes ways to prevent wet dreams if they have become problematic for whatever reason. A wet dream causes a spontaneous orgasm while you are asleep. An orgasm is the climax of sexual excitement centered around the genitals of both males and females. For males, orgasm is accompanied by the propulsive release of semen (ejaculation). With females, there may the release of a clear fluid from the urethra (the tube through which urine normally exits the body) during fluid. Sometimes, a person may only realize that they’ve had a wet dream when their bed sheets or undergarments are moist with semen or vaginal wetness. At other times, an orgasm during a wet dream can be intense enough to awaken a person. Wet dreams may occur throughout your lives after puberty. But, they are more common during the teenage years when sex hormones are surging or during periods of prolonged sexual abstinence.1 Nocturnal emissions typically start at age 13 to 14 during the so-called middle adolescent years.2 Around 38% of teenage males experience a wet dream before learning what it even is.3 During sleep, the blood flow to your sexual organs may be increased. For males, this can lead to an erection (“hard-on”). This is the common cause of “morning wood” in which you awaken with an erection, typically without ejaculation but sometimes with preseminal fluid (“pre-cum”). Nocturnal emissions differ in that orgasm occurs during a wet dream. The underlying cause is unknown but there are several theories. Among them: The cause of nocturnal emission in females is less clear, in part because female wet dreams are harder to identify due to the lack of ejaculation. Only around 10% of females experience “female ejaculation” in which there is a spurt of clear fluid during orgasm.4 Not all males have wet dreams (or, perhaps, don’t recognize them if there is little ejaculate). With that said, famed sexologist Alfred Kinsey suggested that around 85% of males and females experience nocturnal emission at some point in life.5 These findings are supported in part by a 2020 study from the University of Health Sciences in Istanbul, Turkey in which 83% of Muslim boys reported having wet dreams.6 Some people believe there are a few ways to reduce how often wet dreams occur. One way is to have more sex or more frequent masturbation that ends with orgasm and ejaculation. This may relieve the need for males to ejaculate during sleep. Reducing contact with the genitals might also be helpful. Try sleeping on your side or back instead of your stomach to see if it helps. In the rare cases that wet dreams are troublesome, a doctor might prescribe a medication such as an antidepressant. These medicines might reduce the frequency of wet dreams, but they might also make it hard to ejaculate when you’re awake. Wet dreams are when you ejaculate while sleeping, sometimes as a response to sexual dreams. They mostly happen to teenage boys or people going through periods of abstinence. Wet dreams can be a healthy and normal part of sleep. Aside from the need to clean up clothing or bedding, there’s no particular problem. If you’re worried about your sexual function and how it impacts sleep, talk to a board-certified sleep doctor. Depending on the issue, they might consult another specialist, like a urologist or gynecologist. Reassurance may be all that’s needed, but they may want to do more testing. This might give you peace of mind and better rest. Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Causes of Wet Dreams
How to Prevent Wet Dreams
Summary
A Word From Verywell
Can a Woman Be Allergic to Semen?
A semen allergy, also known as seminal plasma hypersensitivity (SPH), is a rare condition that is caused by a mild or severe allergic reaction to the protein of a man’s semen. 1
Research has discovered that semen allergies are more common in women than men, affecting up to 40,000 females in the United States. 1 This is likely because most diagnostic case studies have focused on women. More research is needed to understand how the condition impacts sexual partnerships between males.
While extremely rare, a man can be allergic to his own semen. 2 This newly named condition is called post-orgasmic illness syndrome. 3
Symptoms
Sometimes women experience symptoms with one partner and not another.1 This is because of the unique mixture of proteins, fluids, and other components of a man’s semen.
A semen allergy can cause local reactions minutes or hours after exposure. Most women will see symptoms of contact dermatitis (a red, itchy rash caused by direct contact with an allergen) inside the vaginal canal, externally on the labia, or around the anus. Symptoms of a semen allergy include:
- Rash
- Itching
- Hives
- Angioedema (swelling of the face, arms, or legs)
- Redness
Complications That Need Medical Attention
A semen allergy can also cause systemic (body-wide) reactions. Anaphylaxis is a serious allergic reaction that may occur with a semen allergy. 4 Symptoms can appear within minutes after exposure to semen and can be life-threatening. Here’s what to look out for:
- A swollen tongue or throat
- Wheezing and trouble breathing
- Dizziness or fainting
- Rapid, weak pulse
- A skin rash
- Nausea and vomiting
Causes
To understand the cause of a semen allergy, it’s important to note the difference between semen and sperm.
Sperm are reproductive cells containing genetic information used to fertilize an egg. Semen is a composition of seminal fluid from reproductive organs and millions of sperm.
It is widely believed that the major allergen involved in a semen allergy is the proteins produced by the prostate, but other proteins are likely involved. 5 Therefore, it is not a man’s sperm that is the allergen.
Other studies found that medications or food allergens can accumulate in the semen and trigger symptoms in sexual partners with existing sensitization. 6
Diagnosis
The easiest way to diagnose SPH at home is to see if symptoms are prevented with the use of a condom during intercourse. 1
Getting an accurate diagnosis can be challenging because semen allergies are rare.7 Women are often misdiagnosed with:
- Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
- Yeast infections
- Vaginitis (vaginal infection or inflammation) 7
- Bacterial infections 8
If you suspect you have a semen allergy, bring it up with your healthcare provider. Ask for a skin or blood allergy test. To do this, your healthcare provider will expose your skin to the suspected allergen, in this case, your partner’s semen, and closely observe for signs of an allergic reaction.
Treatment
Once you and your partner have a diagnosis, you can use one or more of the following treatments to continue a fulfilling sex life free from allergic reactions.
Condoms
First and foremost, condoms can be used during intercourse to prevent skin-to-semen contact. This is the easiest and least invasive treatment method. If you and your partner are trying to get pregnant, there are other methods available (see below).
Desensitization
Desensitization, also referred to as immunotherapy, is a treatment used to expose the immune system to an allergen in an effort to create a tolerance to it. In most cases, immunotherapy can take from three to five years, but the changes can last many years.
Antihistamine
Consider a topical antihistamine cream if you’re experiencing a local allergic reaction. One study recommends Gastrocrom (cromolyn) vaginal cream, which can be prescribed by your healthcare provider. 7
Over-the-counter (OTC) or prescription allergy medication before intercourse may also help to reduce symptoms in severe cases.
It’s important to make a treatment plan with your partner and medical provider that prioritizes the health and well-being of both partners.
Pregnancy and Semen Allergy
The good news is that SPH has not been shown to directly impact fertility. The sperm (and semen) are still healthy. 1
Instead, the challenge lies in having unprotected sex without experiencing symptoms. But today, there are options.
In mild cases, immunotherapy or medication can help eliminate the discomfort of an allergic reaction. People with more severe cases can look into intrauterine insemination (IUI) or in vitro fertilization (IVF). Your partner’s sperm will be washed free of the allergen (protein) and used for insemination.
In either case, talking to your healthcare provider will help you understand the risks, expenses, and results of all options.
Summary
Semen allergy, or seminal plasma hypersensitivity, is an under-researched condition that causes a mild or severe allergic reaction to a specific protein in a man’s semen. Both men and women can be allergic to semen, and experience a range of symptoms from a localized rash to anaphylaxis. Prevention includes the use of condoms, and the use of antihistamines or immunotherapy can be used for treatment.
A Word From Verywell
If you have a semen allergy, remember that your partner’s sperm is not dirty or “bad” and you are not to blame for the way your body reacts to it. Any condition stemming from sexual intimacy is a chance to assess how you and your partner handle challenges together. A semen allergy is not necessarily a sign that you and your partner don’t belong together. Instead, consider it an opportunity to discover other forms of intimacy that can keep you safe and bring you closer together.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Sex with my husband has never been better.
I finally stopped hiding my fat body in bed.
- My husband and I have been together since I was 18, and I’ve only had sex with him.
- Sex with my husband now that we’re in our 30s is way better than when we were in our 20s.
- Accepting my body as it is allowed me to get rid of “rules” for bed, like having the lights off.
I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 years old. My sexual history isn’t a particularly colorful one. Save for a few second-base hookups, I’ve only been with one man my entire life, and he has loved me well.
But truthfully, I haven’t loved myself as well as he has loved me.
For a long time in our relationship, I would try to hide my fat body as much as possible when we were in bed. As I got older, I realized that my attempts to hide my naked body were ridiculous — he was into me through and through. Letting go of my body insecurities has led to sex that is better than ever.
I didn’t understand why my husband wanted to be with me at first
When we first got together, it was really hard for me to fathom that he was attracted to me. No one had emphatically pursued me, and I always thought that was OK. I am a fat, awkward woman, and when someone was attracted to me, it flew too much in the face of social standards.
My husband didn’t see me that way. When he looked at me, he saw someone who he was proud to be seen with, someone he was attracted to, and someone he really wanted to see naked. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Every movie I saw or book I read up to that point in my life told me that I wasn’t the one who got the guy. So when I did, I found myself wondering why.
I chalked it up to my funny personality and who I was as a person. Since I was a child, I genuinely believed there wasn’t a person on earth who would find me beautiful, let alone desirable, on a physical level. So when someone did and did so unapologetically, I didn’t know what to do with it.
I came up with a lot of rules so he wouldn’t see me in an unflattering way
When my husband and I began being physically intimate, there were a lot of rules: Turn off every single light; don’t grab my waist; don’t touch my stomach; don’t stare at my face in case you see a double chin. I told myself that if he broke those rules, he’d discover just how fat I really was and he wouldn’t want to touch me at all.
As I got older, I realized that society’s narrative of there being only one attractive body type was nothing more than a capitalistic lie. As I warmed up to myself, I also realized that it wasn’t so unfathomable that someone else might find me desirable, too. That’s when I allowed every rule to be broken.
Frankly, it was pretty silly to put any of those rules in place. I’m not sure who I was trying to fool by pulling every trick in the book to look thinner while I was laid bare. My husband knew what he was signing up for with my body, so why deny it the touch it deserves.
When I embraced the fact that I was a desirable person who was worthy of being loved wholly, the sex reached an entirely new level.
Ironically, the body I have now is far heavier and less conventionally beautiful than when I believed I was at my “worst,” and our sex life has never been better.
We love and explore each other completely. We create a safe space that allows both of us to be the most vulnerable we can, and in that vulnerability, we can fully enjoy the experience of being together.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What to do when body image is affecting your sex life
Actionable steps to help you get in the mood.
Rifling through a chest of drawers, I found an old photograph that I’d hidden in the hope I’d never again have to set eyes on it. It was taken 15 years ago on a beach in France, and I was wearing a bikini.
Back then, the photos had arrived on my doormat after I’d sent off the film to be developed. As I shuffled through them, the image of my semi-naked self immediately set off a spiral of self-loathing. I couldn’t bear to look at my body. Even with the photo stowed out of sight, those negative thoughts about my body followed me around like a shadow for another decade and a half.
These thoughts convinced me I did not deserve to be loved or even looked at. With those feelings came a distinct lack of interest in showing my body to another human — someone who could possibly see me in a state of undress and confirm everything negative emotion I’d ever felt about myself.
My body image is my sex life’s worst enemy. It is the voice in my head telling me that I need to lose weight before I go on dates. It is the seed of doubt when I notice someone looking at me in a bar. It is the thought that whirrs in my mind when I’m in bed with someone, drowning out any thoughts of pleasure.
During a recent sexual dry spell — brought on by an episode of extremely low self-esteem — I realised the one thing standing in the way of a fun and fulfilling sex life was my own brain. I had a choice: Did I want to live my life hiding out of sight because glossy magazines, billboards, and my unkind classmates in high school made me feel unloveable? Then came the question: How do I go about dismantling the destructive feelings I’ve had about myself for most my life?
Research suggests that women with poor body image derive less satisfaction from sex due to distracting thoughts about their bodies. Furthermore, women with body image issues are less likely to initiate sex. Short of spending your whole life having unsatisfying sex and never initiating sex, there are tangible, actionable things you can do to try to have better sex more often. According to sex educators, counsellors, fat acceptance activists, and authors, here are some techniques that might help…
Try positive affirmations during sex
For much of my adult life, there have been certain sexual positions I was reluctant to try because I was worried how my body might look from a certain angle. Lisa Williams and Anniki Sommerville from the Hotbed Collective wrote about this very issue in their aptly titled book More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters. “If body confidence is an issue for you, we would like you to try this exercise,” they wrote. “When you are next having sex, for every negative thought you have about your looks, we’d like you to come up with a positive affirmation instead.”
“This could be a nice thing about your appearance (if you really struggle with this, ask a friend to help you: we can be so much nicer to each other than we are to ourselves), or something about how the sex makes your body feel rather than what you look like,” they continued.
Williams and Sommerville recommend replacing a negative thought like “my bum is too big” with a positive affirmation like “I love it when I’m kissed along the knicker line.” They suggest switching “I need to lose weight” with “I love how my hips and waist look when I lie on my side.” “My scars are ugly” can be countered with “this person is in bed with me because of who I am.”
Identify where your body image issues come from
If you think long and hard about where that very first twinge of self-loathing came from, it’s likely those thoughts didn’t just magically appear out of nowhere. Stephanie Healey — psychotherapist and sex educator — told Mashable to “start by unpicking the kind of body image/self esteem issues that people are having and figure out when that started and whose voice that is (the inner critic, is that a parent or a teacher or an ex partner etc).”
In her book Happy Fat, comedian and fat activist Sofie Hagen wrote that “we received negative messages about bodies on a — dare I say — hourly basis.” “From the adverts on television, public transport, social media, all telling women to buy a certain product to become ‘better,’ to have smoother skin, shinier hair, a smaller waistline, redder lips, […],” she wrote.
On Elizabeth Day’s How To Fail podcast, author Marian Keyes spoke about how sexism and capitalism intersect to “teach women to hate themselves.” “When I am overweight, which is a lot of the time, I feel ashamed asking for what I want,” she said. “I have been taught that if I’m not skinny then I am greedy, I am out of control, that I am to be mocked, that I’m a figure of fun. This is all in my head, but I didn’t get those messages from no place,” she continued. “I have learnt to despise myself,” Keyes added.
Remind yourself that all bodies are hot
Flo Perry, author of How To Have Feminist Sex, told Mashable that mainstream media presents us with “such a narrow definition of what is an ‘attractive’ body.” “It can be useful to remember that in reality people find all kinds of bodies hot,” Perry added.
“Click off the front page of Pornhub even and you’re bound to find videos amateurs have uploaded with bodies just like yours with millions of views. There are people all around the country right now jacking off to your typical mum-bod.”
Follow people who look like you
Is your Instagram feed full of photos that don’t look like you? Does it make you feel shit every time you scroll? Consider curating your social feeds with people who look like you and who are actively embracing their bodies. Perry suggests following “people on social media that look like you that are further along their body positivity journey.””Whatever you look like there will be someone who looks like you on instagram posting beautifully shot hot pictures of themselves,” she said. “If you fill your feed with these pictures you’re bound to feel more sexy.”
Hagen recommended following the Adipositivity Project, which is a collection of beautiful nude portraits of fat people that aims to change “commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal.”
If you watch porn, think about the types of bodies you’re seeing on a regular basis. Healey said “mainstream free access porn content has a certain look and body type, and I’d encourage other images such as MakeLoveNotPorn to see a wider range of bodies being sexual.”
Cull social media accounts that make you feel bad
In curating your feed with glorious, gorgeous bodies that look just like yours, try to pinpoint which accounts are making you feel bad about yourself and unfollow all of them. Do not feel bad. If it’s a friend who posts constant #thinspo posts or weight loss before-and-after pics, put your own wellbeing first: Hit mute, unfollow, block.
Hugo Minchin — counsellor and co-founder of Talk to the Rainbow, the centre for LGBTQ+ therapy in Bristol — told Mashable social media is “full of idealised portraits of picture-perfect human beings.” “Comparing oneself to a fitness model, a porn star, or an influencer is unrealistic. We are all unique and ultimately self-esteem starts with yourself,” Minchin added.
Relationship expert at eharmony Rachael Lloyd recommended reminding yourself that social media isn’t real. “It’s important to take a step back and realise your friend’s social media posts are the airbrushed life she wants you to see – rather than the full picture,” said Lloyd. “Always bear in mind that this filtered lifestyle isn’t an achievable goal and aiming for those dizzying, like-induced highs is unrealistic.”
Don’t posture and perform during sex
Watching porn or any on-screen depictions of sex can leave us with deep-set notions about what sex should look like and specifically how our bodies should look when we’re in the throes of passion. Williams and Sommerville hit the nail on the head in More Orgasms Please: “[S]creen sex will make you believe that you have to fling yourself around the room naked, or dress up as Catwoman. While both these things are great if you have the whim, great sex can still happen under a duvet in the dark.”
If it feels difficult to unlearn the sex poses that mainstream pop culture and porn have ingrained in our minds, start out with self-sex (aka masturbation). Not every position you use to masturbate needs to be like the ones you see in porn.
Have a go at mindful sex
Thoughts about your body can be extremely distracting during sex.
Sex expert Kate Moyle at sex toy company LELO advocates trying mindful sex or ‘mindsex’ techniques. This can involve “taking your attention back to the pleasurable physical sensations that you are experiencing.”
“You only have a certain amount of attention available at any one time, so if you are anxious this will interrupt your physical experience,” Moyle added.
Williams and Sommerville gave some practical tips for this: “Focus on the orgasm and not on what you look like. Think about your breathing, squeeze and release your pelvic floor, tweak your own nipples, concentrate on each sensation, notice how your partner’s skin feels, think about every move the two of you are making and how they feel,” they wrote.
Share a sexual fantasy
Almaz Ohene — sexual health education facilitator at Sexplain — advised writing “a sexy story” with your sexual partner. Tapping into your creativity and creating a story about the two of you “can be a way of sharing some steamy moments together without having to get physical,” said Ohene.
“Think about the sexy experiences you’ve had together and take things from there. In a few sentences, describe the characters and whose perspective we’re hearing it from,” Ohene said. “Describe where the story will take place and any plot-driving details. You can take the story in whatever direction you like – which means it’s also a low risk way of revealing some of your desires,” she said. “You just might find yourselves trying out some of thing things on the page, once you’re back in the swing of physical sex acts again.”
One thing I wish I’d known when I first hid that photo of myself: You do not need to lose weight in order to be desirable. We are all worthy of sex, pleasure, and attention.
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