Category: Body Image

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Can You Have a Sex Life After Breast Cancer?

— Experts Say Yes.

With patience and treatment, you and your partner can rekindle your sexual spark.

You may find yourself facing physical changes and emotional challenges, but you can overcome them.

By Abby McCoy, RN

If you’ve recently gone through lifesaving breast cancer treatment, you may be looking forward to better days ahead. But as you try to get back to “normal life,” you might notice a change in your libido.

“Cancer treatment across the board can take a significant toll on the body, and breast cancer is no different,” says Gabriel Cartagena, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Smilow Cancer Hospital at Yale New Haven and an assistant professor at Yale School of Medicine in New Haven, Connecticut.

About 60 to 70 percent of breast cancer survivors report sexuality issues after treatment, according to a study published in 2019 in Breast Cancer, so if you’re having that experience, know that many other women are, too. We asked the experts and have some treatments and tips to help you fire up your sex life after breast cancer.

How Breast Cancer Affects Your Libido

So you can understand how to combat a low libido after breast cancer treatment and take back your sexuality, let’s look at the causes.

Premature Menopause

Several cancer therapies can lead to premature menopause, according to a study published in 2022 in the Journal of Clinical Medicine. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy, for example, can decrease hormone levels in your body and make your menstrual cycle slow down or stop altogether, says Mary Jane Minkin, MD, a codirector of the sexuality, intimacy, and menopause program for cancer survivors at Yale Cancer Center and Smilow Cancer Hospital. For women whose breast cancer is fueled by estrogen, treatment may include medication to block the production of estrogen, or surgical removal of the ovaries. These measures, too, can bring on premature menopause. With menopause symptoms like hot flashes, insomnia, and dry mouth, sex may be the last thing on your mind.

Emotional Distress

A breast cancer diagnosis comes with a lot of emotions. Women diagnosed with breast cancer can be at a higher risk for mental health issues like depression and anxiety, neither of which are conducive to a high libido, according to a study published in 2021.

Vaginal Dryness

When your estrogen takes a nosedive during and after treatment, your vagina can become very dry, says Dr. Minkin. Lack of lubrication in this area can make sex uncomfortable or even painful, according to the American Cancer Society (ACS).

Painful Sex

Painful sex can also arise from pelvic floor dysfunction, which means the muscles in and around your pelvis can be too tight or too loose. That’s according to the research published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine, which also found that women may experience chronic pelvic pain syndrome (unexplained pain in your pelvis) after breast cancer treatment.

Body Changes

If you have had surgery or other body changes during treatment, such as removal or reconstruction of one or both breasts, you may not feel like revealing the new you in a sexual encounter, and new or missing sensations can make it hard to get in the mood. “Many women who have lost breast tissue, particularly if they have lost nipples, may feel [less] sensation in their breasts, and many women find breast stimulation important for sex,” says Minkin.

How to Get Your Groove Back

This list may feel discouraging to read, but you shouldn’t lose hope. “The important thing is that we can help with most of these issues,” says Minkin.

Medications Minkin recommends nonhormonal (estrogen-free) medications to help with symptoms of early menopause. “An over-the-counter herbal product called Ristela can help improve pelvic blood flow and enhance libido,” Minkin says. One meta-analysis published in 2021 found that women who took Ristela and similar products that contain the amino acid L-arginine experienced more sexual arousal, better lubrication, more frequent orgasms, and less discomfort or pain. Many participants reported no side effects at all, but a few experienced an upset stomach, heavier menstrual bleeding, and headache.

“Women can also consult with their providers about using prescription nonhormonal medications called flibanserin (Addyi) or bremelanotide (Vyleesi),” Minkin says. Addyi may be less effective than other options, and can cause fatigue and drowsiness, according to a meta-analysis published in 2022 in Sexual Medicine. Vyleesi, on the other hand, has shown more promise, according to a study published in 2019, with uncommon mild side effects like nausea, flushing, and headaches.

If your low libido stems from feelings of depression or anxiety, medications, often in combination with psychotherapy, are an option you can discuss with your healthcare provider.

Vaginal moisturizers For vaginal dryness, Minkin often suggests over-the-counter nonhormonal vaginal moisturizers, like Replens and Revaree, which are inserted into the vagina with an applicator a few times a week. “[These] work very nicely for many women,” Minkin says.

Toys A vibrator or similar device could be a worthwhile investment. They can boost sensation and increase blood flow to your pelvis, says Minkin, both of which can amplify desire.

Therapy One or more sessions with a counselor can be helpful, says Minkin. Sexual health counselors often use cognitive behavioral techniques to discover the “why” behind your low libido, and help you unlock thought patterns that may be blocking your sexual drive, according to a study published in 2020. Therapy is also an effective treatment for depression and anxiety.

Vaginal hormones Hormone replacement therapy is often used to treat menopause symptoms. But if you’ve had breast cancer, it may increase the risk that it will come back, especially if your cancer is sensitive to hormones. With vaginal hormonal treatments, a cream, tablet, or ring containing low-dose estrogen is placed directly in your vagina to aid lubrication and strengthen the vaginal lining. Because much less estrogen gets into your bloodstream, this option is generally considered safe, according to the North American Menopause Society. Your healthcare provider can help you decide if hormone treatments are right for you.

Get Reacquainted With Your Body

Breast cancer treatment can leave you feeling like you’re living in a stranger’s body. “A stark change like a mastectomy can leave women feeling separated from themselves,” says Dr. Cartagena. But every woman can get to know and accept her new body.

Reintroduce Yourself Gradually

“The process to reknow your body takes time and begins in small steps,” says Cartagena, who suggests a first step could be to get dressed in the morning with the lights on. After a few days or weeks of this, you might try spending 10 seconds observing your body in the mirror.

“Exposing yourself to your body little by little can allow you to gradually grieve what is different and take notice of what is new that is still important to you,” explains Cartagena.

Reframe Your Sexual Desires

Sex after cancer may look different, and mourning lost sensations is very important, says Cartagena. Looking forward, he encourages breast cancer survivors to study what sex means to them by asking questions like, “What feels good now?”

“If penetrative sex still evokes pain, a patient can explore foreplay, different forms of stimulation, or other forms of intimacy to induce different, fulfilling sensations,” says Cartegena. Sex doesn’t have to mean one thing — it can be whatever you need or want it to be.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex therapists on 20 simple, satisfying ways to revive your lost libido

— Losing your mojo is very common, but it can be overcome, whether through self-love, putting down your phone – or even a sex ban

By

Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.

1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal

“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”

2. Mood is often a factor

Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.

3. Have a medical check-up

It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”

4. Talk to someone outside the relationship

Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.

5. Be prepared to talk to your partner

When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.

‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’

6. Single people struggle with desire, too

It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.

7. Work out what desire means to you

“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”

“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.

8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other

“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.

9. A sex ban can be a good place to start

Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.

10. Looking back is crucial

As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”

11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy

This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.

12. Scheduling

This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.

13. Self-love is everything

“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”

14. Work on body confidence

This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”

15. Faking it can be counterproductive

Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”

16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual

“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”

17. Think about ‘sexual currency’

“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”

18. Write down things you want to try

This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”

19. Variety is the spice of life

Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”

20. Put down your phone

For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pup Play

— Kink communities can help people build connections and improve their body image


Pup play has its roots within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture.

By and

In recent years, the world of kink lifestyles and subcultures has gained increasing attention. Kink is a general term that includes various expressions of unconventional or non-traditional sexual desires. This encompasses a wide array of practices, including power dynamics, intense sensations/stimuli, role-playing and more.

One such form of role-play that is often misunderstood is known as pup play. Pups are consenting adults who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups.

We are researchers within nutrition and health research with a focus on diverse gender and sexualities. In this project called Puppy Philms, we seek to more deeply understand how meanings ascribed to bodies are socially constructed for gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men within the pup community.

For this project, we used a method called cellphilming. The term cellphilm was coined to describe films made with cell phones. We worked with pups who created cellphilms to learn more about their community, particularly how being a pup might help people navigate body-image concerns.

We recruited 17 self-identifying gay, bisexual, transgender and queer men who are pups across Canada. They attended three workshops and each of them created a cellphilm in which they talked about being a pup and how their body image is shaped in the pup community.

What is pup play?

Two men in pup hoods and gear.
Pups are consenting adults who roleplay by dressing and acting as young canines, or pups.

Pup play has its roots within kink communities and gay BDSM and leather subculture. Alongside the sexual component, pup play is viewed by many to be a social activity.

Studies have demonstrated many reasons why people might participate in kink and BDSM activities. For example, personal development, self-expression, overcoming anxiety, relaxation, and to be more socially comfortable. Kink play may also improve interpersonal relationships.

The pup community fosters connections and gathers at various pup events. These include pup competitions where a designated “play space” allows them to cuddle each other, wag their tails and bark.

Pups often wear pup gear like collars and pup masks or hoods. Some individuals within pup communities take on the role of pup “handlers,” which means they assume a more dominant role within pup play.

Cellphilming

Cellphilming is an art-based research method and serves as a tool for advocacy that researchers seeking to disrupt traditional roles within research can use. It enables participants to exercise their creativity and take control and ownership of their narratives, facilitating the expression of ideas that can be more challenging to convey through traditional interviews.

Research becomes an artistic and reflective process. The resulting cellphilms are pieces of art that can create a sense of solidarity among communities while changing social values about gender, sexual orientation and bodies.

The Puppy Philms Project

Man wearing pup hood and leather harness.
Gay subcultures often celebrate bodies that are more diverse and challenge dominant ideas about masculinity.

Our previous work noted that many gay men navigate body-image tensions by identifying within gay subcultures that celebrate bodies that are more diverse than the dominant thin and muscular body standards. We also found that challenging and disrupting dominant ideas about masculinity can be helpful for some men dealing with body-image concerns.

Yet no studies have looked at the relationships between body image and pup communities. With Puppy Philms, we sought to gain a deeper insights into this relationship through cellphilming.

Body image and pup play

Three findings about pup play and body image emerged from our research. First, participants discussed how the pup community can reinforce body standards for men. As one participant said, “the body expectations for pup communities are not really different from the body expectations from the cis gay man culture.”

However, many participants also felt pup communities were spaces where dominant ideas about men’s body standards and masculinity were changed, lessened or lacking altogether. As another participant noted, “body image doesn’t really matter in the pup community, and that’s sort of the point. Just be a puppy.”

One man on all fours in pup hood and gear.
Kink communities can often help people with personal development, self-expression and overcoming anxieties.

The pup headspace – a state of mindfulness relaxation — has also been associated with therapeutic benefits. Participants reflected on how the process of becoming a pup helped them change their feelings about their bodies and overcome body image concerns.

One participant noted, “…while I’ve got the [pup] mask on and I’m at the events, I don’t tend to think about it. But soon as the mask comes off then I start to think about my body-image issues again.”

Our study sheds light on the positive aspects of the pup community as a social and accepting space, where identifying as a pup represents a sign of resilience and defiance against social norms.

Unleashing queer activism

Participants felt inspired to create their cellphilms and saw them as powerful tools for activism. They aimed to inform the public about pup play and break the stigma surrounding it.

This drive for activism took various forms; some participants submitted their cellphilms to film festivals, and others travelled to the United States and Europe to showcase their cellphilms and share their experiences. In collaboration with the participants, we organized community screening events (one in Montreal and an upcoming one in Toronto), furthering the reach of their narratives.

Participants saw the potential to use their cellphilms for a greater purpose than just this research. As one participant said, “just this possibility of spreading out what we were talking about really stimulates me a lot.”

Artistic activists remind us that “we can ‘queer’ mass culture by making it say things it was never designed to say, and act in ways it was never meant to act.” Perhaps the participants’ cellphilms can help make our culture more open to diverse bodies, genders and sexualities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex After 50

— Don’t Lose That Lovin’ Feeling


Connection, communication and self-acceptance keep intimacy alive

By Lisa B. Samalonis

Although advancing age can pose some challenges to a healthy sex life, with a shift in perspective, intimacy can still be satisfying, good for your health and overall fun.
Frequently discussed obstacles include:

  • Vaginal dryness/atrophy.
  • Erectile dysfunction.
  • Lost libido.
  • More extended refractory periods.
  • Sexually transmitted infections.
  • The emotional toll of disappointing encounters and disconnection.

However, the future does not have to be bleak. “We all need to acknowledge that sex after fifty (like pretty much anything with our bodies) isn’t the same as when we were twenty,” said Karyn Eilber, MD, a board-certified urologist and associate professor of urology and obstetrics and gynecology at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

With age comes experience. “Middle age also brings wisdom and confidence in our lives, so why not take that wisdom and confidence to the bedroom?” she suggests. Noting that with some education and normalization of the discussion of sexual health, women and their partners can benefit.

For example, women can discuss hormone replacement therapy with their doctor if they are experiencing menopause-related issues. Incontinence and prolapse can also affect a woman’s sex life after 50.

Also, pelvic floor physical therapy for a more robust pelvic floor may improve incontinence, prolapse, and sexual function.

Vital Connection

Emotional connectivity is central to long-term well-being and satisfaction. Previous studies show that loneliness, or feeling alone regardless of the amount of social contact and touch starvation (when a person has little to no physical contact for a prolonged time), might contribute to chronic disease.

“Chronological age does not define me.”

These include depression and anxiety, as well as an increase in stress, cortisol and infection, poor quality of sleep, and digestive issues.

According to Daniel Boyer, MD, of Farr Institute in Des Moines, Iowa, maintaining a closer relationship can help improve mental and physical health and increase creativity, productivity and social interaction.

Intimacy can also provide a sense of security, help build strong relationships and deepen connections with others.

Shifting Your Mindset

Confronting myths and misconceptions about sex in middle age — such as “people age out of sex,” “it is unsatisfying,” “desire is not existent as we age,” or “older bodies are unattractive” — leads to enhanced intimacy.

The issue of unconscious ageism is often a critical factor that affects sexuality and sexual intimacy, said Carla Marie Manly, PhD., a clinical psychologist and author of “Aging Joyfully.”

“While we can often get support from medical practitioners to help with underlying physical changes, the psychological elements that affect sexuality and a sense of self are often overlooked,” Manly said.

She also noted that people in their 50s can enjoy the best sex by letting go of stereotypes and exploring the beauty of more mature sexuality.

Becoming aware of often-unconscious self-ageism is the first step. Then age-negative thoughts, such as “younger women/men are more desirable” or “I am fat and past my prime,” can be addressed and transformed into a more age-positive attitude.

Phrases like “chronological age does not define me,” “I am glad to be able to contribute my energy to my community,” or “I enjoy giving and sharing with those I love” are a few examples. In addition, practicing a mantra, such as “I am a valuable, passionate, resilient person” or “I love who I am,” is helpful.

Another common misconception is that libido fades or ends as we get older so that in the late adulthood stage of life, individuals no longer have sexual desire, explained cognitive behavioral coachRobin Buckley, PhD.

Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.

“This is inaccurate and becomes part of how society dehumanizes older individuals. Yes, libido can vary with age and biological changes, but it doesn’t mean it is the end of our sexual desire. It might take different strategies to encourage and sustain the libido, but it is possible to have a strong libido throughout life.”

Evaluating the relationship with their partner and the relationship with themselves are two things people can do to get to their version of ideal sexual desire.

“If you are in a relationship, take time to determine what parts of it are satisfying and what parts you’d like to improve so you can improve your experience. This will likely increase your libido because you will be and will feel more connected to your partner,” she said.

Whether coupled or uncoupled, taking time to appreciate yourself is essential for self-esteem and libido. “This includes doing things that connect you to the things you love. Tap into your sensuality through experiences that stimulate your senses. Talk to yourself as you would to your best friend,” Buckley added.

Jessica Jolie Badonsky, a registered family nurse practitioner, emphasized people are more than the sum of their aging parts. For example, men’s refractory time lengthens with age, meaning after orgasm and ejaculation, it may take longer until the body is primed to do it again.

“This doesn’t mean that sex has to stop. On the contrary, the organ that can get stimulated over and over is the biggest sex organ, the brain,” Badonsky said.

Moreover, by expanding the definition of sex (not just penetration/orgasm), couples can bring in erotic elements, such as spending more time cuddling, kissing, talking, and exploring touch, like mutual massage.

Extended foreplay allows couples to take time to get in the mood, set it, and discuss what they want. Often post-menopausal women can have vaginal dryness even while excited, so vaginal moisturizers that are pH balanced and as free from fragrance and additives as possible can be used.

Maintain and Revive The Connection

Frequently people over 50 have more time for romance, said Lisa Concepcion, a certified professional life and relationship coach. “There’s an excellent window of opportunity to reinvent and reconnect as a couple once the nest is empty and before grandchildren.”

For instance, couples who have raised kids can come together and decide on what they want to achieve in this next stage of life. Couples who set new goals connect, and where there’s a connection, there’s intimacy and good sex,” she suggested.

Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire…speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.

Buckley advocated making a confidential appointment, such as a date night or time in the early morning, to relax and reconnect. “As adults, we tend to put important things on our calendars, like appointments, work meetings, and vacations, to ensure we remember to do them and to allow enough time for those activities to occur,” she said.

“Research shows that as individuals enter midlife, the frequency of sex decreases due to children, care for elderly parents, and work/life stressors. If having time to connect with your partner physically and emotionally is important to you, then why wouldn’t it be on your calendar to make sure it happens?” she said.

“Keeping the libido stimulated through masturbation, physical affection, or sexual touching helps keep your libido engaged. Having a regular sex life is part of the process.”

Communicate Wants and Feelings

Creating a space to communicate honestly and freely without negative consequences is part of sustaining a solid connection with your partner. Once individuals know themselves and their preferences, they can better communicate them to their partners.

“Many women are still ashamed of the idea of masturbation due to societal double standards and stereotypes regarding sexuality and women. But when approximately 15% of women have never had an orgasm, and 81% do not orgasm through vaginal penetration, the most significant benefit masturbation offers for women is an understanding of what sexual practices work best for their body,” said Buckley.

Likewise, women can learn to use different techniques to achieve the best results. “They develop greater awareness about their individualized signs of arousal or climax and learn how to control their responses, creating sexual experiences they want.”

Although some people might not feel comfortable talking about what they desire physically or emotionally, speaking up can deepen their emotional and physical connection.

More Intimacy Tips

  • Accept each other “as is:” Despite your current body (sagging breasts, a big stomach, or a slow start-up to arousal), accepting oneself is vital.
  • Strive for ease: Be playful and use humor to lighten the mood, which can ease embarrassment if things don’t go as planned. When problems occur, switch from intercourse to whole-body light touching and kissing or agree to cuddle and talk. Then try again later.
  • Be health conscious: Activities that contribute to physical health also contribute to higher libido. So, get on a regular sleep schedule, avoid smoking, keep to a nutrition plan rich in vegetables, lean proteins and low in sugar and exercise daily.
  • Get physical: Life coach Concepcion, 51, says she and her partner prioritize physical health. “The sex is the best of my life. We’re making love five days a week on average,” she says. “We both maintain good health. We work in our home gym, walk five miles three times weekly, and have fun cooking low-carb meals together. Stretching for ten minutes daily can make a big difference in the bedroom.”
  • Manage mental health: High stress or anxiety levels can reduce libido. Managing these are beneficial for sexual desire and physical health, Buckley notes. Orgasms are an effective method to relieve stress, so masturbation should be a part of self-care.
  • Talk it out: “If there are any issues in your relationship—or your past, such as trauma, abuse or shame—it pays to find a compatible therapist and delve into them,” says sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. “Your partner can accompany you to a couples’ counselor; if they don’t go, do it solo.”
  • Keep exploring: For some users, sexual toys add to the intimate experience. “Toys can be great fun, extremely pleasurable, and a way to explore, but they can also help partners deal with anorgasmia (delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms), erectile dysfunction, and other situations that change or affect our sexual expression,” explains Queen. “More importantly, playing with sex toys helps de-center simplistic ideas of what sex should or must be and helps people understand that pleasure can be whole-body and accessible in many ways. That can reassure people whose bodies are changing or who never felt they were getting the kind of stimulation that worked for them in the first place. But beyond that, it can open doors to erotic possibilities many people might not have explored, which can help couples think about intimacy differently.”
  • Advocate for your health: Speak up and discuss changes in your body, pain, difficulties, and concerns with your physician.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to feel confident during sex if your body has changed

One in 10 women in the UK feel self-conscious about their bodies during sex

by

Strictly Come Dancing stars Ola and James Jordan recently spoke about their sex life declining due to their respective weight gain, saying: ‘the bellies get in the way of us when it comes to sex – It’s not as exciting’.

They’re certainly not the only people to have felt this way.

While Ola and James seem to be keeping positive about their experiences with weight gain, many people feel distressed over their bodies – particularly in the context of sex. In the UK, 61% of adults feel negative or ‘very negative’ about their body image ‘most of the time’. And when it comes to the bedroom, one in 10 women in the UK feel self-conscious about their bodies during sex, according to research from 2019 about body and sexual confidence, along with 3% of British men. 

One of those women is 35-year-old stay at home mum Joanne.

‘After I finished having all my kids – three boys – my body was changed forever,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. ‘My husband says he still thinks I’m hot but I don’t believe him. How can he? My body is so different from when we started seeing each other ten years ago.’

Retail assistant Aimee, 26, feels similarly, sharing: ‘My boyfriend and I have been going through a dry spell since we had our baby. My belly is huge and my boobs are on the floor and I just can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with me.”’

Many people, especially women, feel pressure to adhere to specific body standards (namely being thin) to make themselves more desirable for sex. But while significant weight gain might impact your mobility in some ways (James Jordan, for instance, shared that he misses being able to hold Ola over his head), it doesn’t affect your desirability, your worth, nor your access to sexual pleasure.

In fact, one study into weight gain’s correlation with sexual frequency showed that the volume of sexual activity amongst participants ‘did not differ significantly by weight status’. In fact, sexually active overweight or obese men and women who were overweight had more regular sexual intercourse than those who were not. 

HR assistant Hattie, 27, says her sex life improved after her and her husband gained weight.

‘Perhaps it helped that neither of us noticed our weight gain until we were really thinking about it, but we started having sex so much more after we got fat,’ she tells us. ‘There’s so much more of us to play with!’

Hattie recommends ‘leaning in’ to your new body and using it for sex instead of ‘being mean to it’.

‘Bellies don’t get in the way of sex, they get involved,’ she says. ‘Have your partner touch and kiss your new belly. And do that for him too. Take it as an opportunity to have new kinds of squishy sex.’

Hattie’s right, because fatness, no matter how much you have of it, has nothing to do with sex. Not really.

When we feel bad about our bodies or we’re put off sex because of them, this is mostly psychological. When we have a poor body image, we’ll convince ourselves that our perceived worth has tanked. But this is untrue.

If you’re having sex with people who are really into you (and we hope that you are), their hots for you will go far beyond what your body looks like.

Unfortunately, a poor body image is not so easy to discard because we’ve grown up with ideas about what makes the ‘ideal’ body from a very young age.

But Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator who specialises in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity, has a few ideas on how you should reframe your thinking if you’re worried about sex after weight gain.  

‘It helps to reframe the idea that you have to be a certain size to enjoy pleasure,’ she notes.

‘Understand that your body is capable of having pleasure and giving pleasure no matter what size you are,’ she says. ‘You’re still worthy of sexual pleasure, having sexual enjoyment and being appreciated no matter what your body looks like.’

There are practices you can try to start rebuilding your confidence with sex after bodily changes, whether it be weight gain, weight loss, injury or something else entirely. 

Mirror exercises 

When you come out of the bathroom after shower or a bath, spend some time looking at yourself naked in the mirror.

‘Just sort of look at yourself,’ Gigi says. ‘And instead of pointing out a bunch of things that you don’t like about yourself, point out things that you do like about yourself, like your lips or your boobs.’

This reframes your thinking through positive reinforcement. It feels a bit silly at first but after a few goes, it will feel natural to compliment yourself.

Positive affirmations

You can try writing positive affirmations around your house where you’ll see them. A lot of people like to write them on post-it notes and stick them to their mirrors, cupboard doors or fridges.

Write whatever you think you need to hear.

We recommend: ‘My weight has nothing to do with my sexiness’. That might be a good place to start. 

Masturbation

Gigi recommends good old masturbation for tapping into sexual confidence.

‘I would start rebuilding the sex that you’d have with yourself before bringing in the partner because when people masturbate more their self image improves,’ she suggests.

Reframe sex

When you’re about to have sex or you’re thinking about having sex, try to focus on the positive experiences you’re going to gain from it instead of your body or your weight. Think ‘I’m going to have a good orgasm’ or ‘we’re going to feel really connected’ instead. 

Ultimately, your sexual partner is not going to be judging you and you’re not going to judge them.

Good people are empathetic towards one another, especially during sex, and after plenty of internal work (and trying the exercises above) your worries about your weight and the (totally false) idea that it ruins sex will melt away. 

Gigi adds: The more you can positively reinforce that your body’s capable and deserving of having pleasure, the more comfortable you will feel in your skin, and the less perturbed you will be about any weight gain.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex with my husband has never been better.

I finally stopped hiding my fat body in bed.

A photo of the author by Cheyenne Gil, a body-affirming boudoir photographer.

By Lauren Gordon

  • My husband and I have been together since I was 18, and I’ve only had sex with him.
  • Sex with my husband now that we’re in our 30s is way better than when we were in our 20s.
  • Accepting my body as it is allowed me to get rid of “rules” for bed, like having the lights off.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 years old. My sexual history isn’t a particularly colorful one. Save for a few second-base hookups, I’ve only been with one man my entire life, and he has loved me well.

But truthfully, I haven’t loved myself as well as he has loved me.

For a long time in our relationship, I would try to hide my fat body as much as possible when we were in bed. As I got older, I realized that my attempts to hide my naked body were ridiculous — he was into me through and through. Letting go of my body insecurities has led to sex that is better than ever.

I didn’t understand why my husband wanted to be with me at first

When we first got together, it was really hard for me to fathom that he was attracted to me. No one had emphatically pursued me, and I always thought that was OK. I am a fat, awkward woman, and when someone was attracted to me, it flew too much in the face of social standards. 

My husband didn’t see me that way. When he looked at me, he saw someone who he was proud to be seen with, someone he was attracted to, and someone he really wanted to see naked. I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Every movie I saw or book I read up to that point in my life told me that I wasn’t the one who got the guy. So when I did, I found myself wondering why.

I chalked it up to my funny personality and who I was as a person. Since I was a child, I genuinely believed there wasn’t a person on earth who would find me beautiful, let alone desirable, on a physical level. So when someone did and did so unapologetically, I didn’t know what to do with it.

I came up with a lot of rules so he wouldn’t see me in an unflattering way

When my husband and I began being physically intimate, there were a lot of rules: Turn off every single light; don’t grab my waist; don’t touch my stomach; don’t stare at my face in case you see a double chin. I told myself that if he broke those rules, he’d discover just how fat I really was and he wouldn’t want to touch me at all.

As I got older, I realized that society’s narrative of there being only one attractive body type was nothing more than a capitalistic lie. As I warmed up to myself, I also realized that it wasn’t so unfathomable that someone else might find me desirable, too. That’s when I allowed every rule to be broken.

Frankly, it was pretty silly to put any of those rules in place. I’m not sure who I was trying to fool by pulling every trick in the book to look thinner while I was laid bare. My husband knew what he was signing up for with my body, so why deny it the touch it deserves.

When I embraced the fact that I was a desirable person who was worthy of being loved wholly, the sex reached an entirely new level.

Ironically, the body I have now is far heavier and less conventionally beautiful than when I believed I was at my “worst,” and our sex life has never been better.

We love and explore each other completely. We create a safe space that allows both of us to be the most vulnerable we can, and in that vulnerability, we can fully enjoy the experience of being together.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to do when body image is affecting your sex life

Actionable steps to help you get in the mood.

By Rachel Thompson

Rifling through a chest of drawers, I found an old photograph that I’d hidden in the hope I’d never again have to set eyes on it. It was taken 15 years ago on a beach in France, and I was wearing a bikini.

Back then, the photos had arrived on my doormat after I’d sent off the film to be developed. As I shuffled through them, the image of my semi-naked self immediately set off a spiral of self-loathing. I couldn’t bear to look at my body. Even with the photo stowed out of sight, those negative thoughts about my body followed me around like a shadow for another decade and a half.

These thoughts convinced me I did not deserve to be loved or even looked at. With those feelings came a distinct lack of interest in showing my body to another human — someone who could possibly see me in a state of undress and confirm everything negative emotion I’d ever felt about myself.

My body image is my sex life’s worst enemy. It is the voice in my head telling me that I need to lose weight before I go on dates. It is the seed of doubt when I notice someone looking at me in a bar. It is the thought that whirrs in my mind when I’m in bed with someone, drowning out any thoughts of pleasure.

During a recent sexual dry spell — brought on by an episode of extremely low self-esteem — I realised the one thing standing in the way of a fun and fulfilling sex life was my own brain. I had a choice: Did I want to live my life hiding out of sight because glossy magazines, billboards, and my unkind classmates in high school made me feel unloveable? Then came the question: How do I go about dismantling the destructive feelings I’ve had about myself for most my life?

Research suggests that women with poor body image derive less satisfaction from sex due to distracting thoughts about their bodies. Furthermore, women with body image issues are less likely to initiate sex. Short of spending your whole life having unsatisfying sex and never initiating sex, there are tangible, actionable things you can do to try to have better sex more often. According to sex educators, counsellors, fat acceptance activists, and authors, here are some techniques that might help…

Try positive affirmations during sex

For much of my adult life, there have been certain sexual positions I was reluctant to try because I was worried how my body might look from a certain angle. Lisa Williams and Anniki Sommerville from the Hotbed Collective wrote about this very issue in their aptly titled book More Orgasms Please: Why Female Pleasure Matters. “If body confidence is an issue for you, we would like you to try this exercise,” they wrote. “When you are next having sex, for every negative thought you have about your looks, we’d like you to come up with a positive affirmation instead.”

“This could be a nice thing about your appearance (if you really struggle with this, ask a friend to help you: we can be so much nicer to each other than we are to ourselves), or something about how the sex makes your body feel rather than what you look like,” they continued.

Williams and Sommerville recommend replacing a negative thought like “my bum is too big” with a positive affirmation like “I love it when I’m kissed along the knicker line.” They suggest switching “I need to lose weight” with “I love how my hips and waist look when I lie on my side.” “My scars are ugly” can be countered with “this person is in bed with me because of who I am.”

Identify where your body image issues come from

If you think long and hard about where that very first twinge of self-loathing came from, it’s likely those thoughts didn’t just magically appear out of nowhere. Stephanie Healey — psychotherapist and sex educator — told Mashable to “start by unpicking the kind of body image/self esteem issues that people are having and figure out when that started and whose voice that is (the inner critic, is that a parent or a teacher or an ex partner etc).”

In her book Happy Fat, comedian and fat activist Sofie Hagen wrote that “we received negative messages about bodies on a — dare I say — hourly basis.” “From the adverts on television, public transport, social media, all telling women to buy a certain product to become ‘better,’ to have smoother skin, shinier hair, a smaller waistline, redder lips, […],” she wrote.

On Elizabeth Day’s How To Fail podcast, author Marian Keyes spoke about how sexism and capitalism intersect to “teach women to hate themselves.” “When I am overweight, which is a lot of the time, I feel ashamed asking for what I want,” she said. “I have been taught that if I’m not skinny then I am greedy, I am out of control, that I am to be mocked, that I’m a figure of fun. This is all in my head, but I didn’t get those messages from no place,” she continued. “I have learnt to despise myself,” Keyes added.

Remind yourself that all bodies are hot

Flo Perry, author of How To Have Feminist Sex, told Mashable that mainstream media presents us with “such a narrow definition of what is an ‘attractive’ body.” “It can be useful to remember that in reality people find all kinds of bodies hot,” Perry added.

“Click off the front page of Pornhub even and you’re bound to find videos amateurs have uploaded with bodies just like yours with millions of views. There are people all around the country right now jacking off to your typical mum-bod.” 

Follow people who look like you

Is your Instagram feed full of photos that don’t look like you? Does it make you feel shit every time you scroll? Consider curating your social feeds with people who look like you and who are actively embracing their bodies. Perry suggests following “people on social media that look like you that are further along their body positivity journey.””Whatever you look like there will be someone who looks like you on instagram posting beautifully shot hot pictures of themselves,” she said. “If you fill your feed with these pictures you’re bound to feel more sexy.”

Hagen recommended following the Adipositivity Project, which is a collection of beautiful nude portraits of fat people that aims to change “commonly accepted notions of a narrow and specific beauty ideal.”

If you watch porn, think about the types of bodies you’re seeing on a regular basis. Healey said “mainstream free access porn content has a certain look and body type, and I’d encourage other images such as MakeLoveNotPorn to see a wider range of bodies being sexual.”

Cull social media accounts that make you feel bad

In curating your feed with glorious, gorgeous bodies that look just like yours, try to pinpoint which accounts are making you feel bad about yourself and unfollow all of them. Do not feel bad. If it’s a friend who posts constant #thinspo posts or weight loss before-and-after pics, put your own wellbeing first: Hit mute, unfollow, block.

Hugo Minchin — counsellor and co-founder of Talk to the Rainbow, the centre for LGBTQ+ therapy in Bristol — told Mashable social media is “full of idealised portraits of picture-perfect human beings.” “Comparing oneself to a fitness model, a porn star, or an influencer is unrealistic. We are all unique and ultimately self-esteem starts with yourself,” Minchin added.

Relationship expert at eharmony Rachael Lloyd recommended reminding yourself that social media isn’t real. “It’s important to take a step back and realise your friend’s social media posts are the airbrushed life she wants you to see – rather than the full picture,” said Lloyd. “Always bear in mind that this filtered lifestyle isn’t an achievable goal and aiming for those dizzying, like-induced highs is unrealistic.”

Don’t posture and perform during sex

Watching porn or any on-screen depictions of sex can leave us with deep-set notions about what sex should look like and specifically how our bodies should look when we’re in the throes of passion. Williams and Sommerville hit the nail on the head in More Orgasms Please: “[S]creen sex will make you believe that you have to fling yourself around the room naked, or dress up as Catwoman. While both these things are great if you have the whim, great sex can still happen under a duvet in the dark.”

If it feels difficult to unlearn the sex poses that mainstream pop culture and porn have ingrained in our minds, start out with self-sex (aka masturbation). Not every position you use to masturbate needs to be like the ones you see in porn.

Have a go at mindful sex

Thoughts about your body can be extremely distracting during sex.

Sex expert Kate Moyle at sex toy company LELO advocates trying mindful sex or ‘mindsex’ techniques. This can involve “taking your attention back to the pleasurable physical sensations that you are experiencing.”

“You only have a certain amount of attention available at any one time, so if you are anxious this will interrupt your physical experience,” Moyle added.

Williams and Sommerville gave some practical tips for this: “Focus on the orgasm and not on what you look like. Think about your breathing, squeeze and release your pelvic floor, tweak your own nipples, concentrate on each sensation, notice how your partner’s skin feels, think about every move the two of you are making and how they feel,” they wrote.

Share a sexual fantasy

Almaz Ohene — sexual health education facilitator at Sexplain — advised writing “a sexy story” with your sexual partner. Tapping into your creativity and creating a story about the two of you “can be a way of sharing some steamy moments together without having to get physical,” said Ohene.

“Think about the sexy experiences you’ve had together and take things from there. In a few sentences, describe the characters and whose perspective we’re hearing it from,” Ohene said. “Describe where the story will take place and any plot-driving details. You can take the story in whatever direction you like – which means it’s also a low risk way of revealing some of your desires,” she said. “You just might find yourselves trying out some of thing things on the page, once you’re back in the swing of physical sex acts again.” 

One thing I wish I’d known when I first hid that photo of myself: You do not need to lose weight in order to be desirable. We are all worthy of sex, pleasure, and attention.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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If You Have This Body Shape, People Think You Crave More Sex, Says Study

New research reveals how humans are hardwired to judge people differently.

By William Mayle

As economists such as Daniel Kahneman, Ph.D., have long shown, human beings are far from rational beings. We make terrible decisions all the time, fueled by inherent psychological biases that are rooted in ancient human behaviors that are no longer relevant in the modern world—if they were ever even relevant at all. The list of our hardwired cognitive biases is as long as the dictionary, and it’s something that people in the marketing and advertising worlds have long exploited.

After all, this is why that pair of boots you looked at once on a website will follow you around the internet for eternity (you’re 70% more likely to buy them), why prices always seem to end in “.99” (your brain somehow thinks $9.99 is more palatable than $10), and why people convince themselves that forking out for a pricey two-year warranty on a toaster that costs practically nothing at all in the first place is somehow a wise thing to do.

Our biases also impact how we view and judge others on entirely superficial levels, and a recently published study in The Journal of Sex Research—titled “The Influence of Body Shape on Impressions of Sexual Traits”—sought to figure out how our physical body shapes impact how others perceive us in sexual terms. If a person is thinner, heavier, super-skinny, or shaped in a certain way, what knee-jerk judgements do other peoples’ brains rush to? Read on for some of the interesting takeaways from this study. And for more on the fascinating psychology of the human mind, check out why Men Who Wear This Clothing Are More Likely to Cheat, Says New Study.
woman on computer
The study was conducted by researchers at the Observations and Research in Gender and Sexuality Matters Lab (O.R.G.A.S.M.) at Canada’s Kwantlen Polytechnic University. The scientists questioned nearly 900 participants aged 16 to 71, who were shown different types of bodies on a computer—five male, five female. From there, the volunteers were asked attach a number of traits to them, which ranged from personality traits to sexual traits, including promiscuity and aggressiveness. For more on the connection between your mind and your body, see here for The Single Most Effective Way to Work Out Every Day, According to Psychologists.

Strong Man Stretching Arms Behind Back at Sea

According to analysis of the study by PsyPost, men who are “very skinny, fat, or very fat” are not perceived by others to have traits that include “sexual confidence” or “sexual dominance.” Meanwhile, “skinny” males are not only considered to be more attractive sexually but they’re viewed through the lens of confidence and dominance.

Fit and fashion jeans for every silhouette

Women who have an average body shape—or are “very skinny” or “skinny”—are assumed to have “extroverted sexual traits.” But women with large and full figures are too often perceived in a negative light—as sexually desperate or even repressed.

Professional psychologist conducting a consultation

“Our study demonstrates that people infer sexuality-related traits from body shape in systematic ways—in particular, that fat bodies are perceived less positively with regard to sexual traits (more sexually desperate and sexually repressed, among others),” Cory L. Pedersen, Ph.D., a professor at Kwantlen Polytechnic University, explained to PsyPost. “Further, we found that the attributions of sexual stereotypes operate within traditional notions of gendered sexuality (the men should be sexually aggressive and women should be sexually submissive).”

Woman standing amidst a busy office going crowd hooked to their mobile phones. Businesswoman holding her hand bag standing still on a busy street with people walking past her using mobile phones.

“Interestingly, the researchers noted that all of the female body types were positively linked to sexual introversion,” writes PsyPost. “At first, this may seem contradictory, given that some of the female bodies were at the same time linked to extroverted sexual traits.”

The authors explain further in the study: “Though apparently paradoxical, considering the simultaneous positive association of some of these bodies with sexual extroversion, we suggest that this may be representative of the complex double standards society has for women’s sexuality.” For more on the weird nature of your mind, see here for The Secret Trick to Spotting a Liar Every Time, According to Psychologists.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How body image insecurities affect men

It’s a common misconception that body image issues only affect women.

By Marcos Benhamu

When Oliver* and his wife opened their 20-year marriage in 2017, a few things had changed since he was last on the dating scene.

“I am older, I am a bit tubby around the edges. I can look back at my old pictures and think, ‘Oh my God! I used to be so pretty!'” the 44-year-old from Melbourne says.

Like other men his age, Oliver says he’s dealing with body changes familiar to his cohort: growing soft in the middle.

But despite a few heartbreaks, he feels more self-assured in dating now than he did two decades ago.

“When I used to look like that, I wasn’t any good at [dating] anyway and I am much more confident in myself now.”

Although Oliver’s learned to live comfortably with his insecurities, body image issues continue to trouble many men who try to attain idealised, Adonis-like physiques in search of self-worth.

It can also affect men’s sexual experience in negative ways and create vicious cycles of insecurities.

The ‘ideal’ body shape for men

For Dominic*, a graphic designer in his 50s, regularly training at the gym doesn’t always make him feel better about his body.

He says he hates compliments about his appearance; they remind him that people are in fact judging him. These insecurities affect his sexual experience.

The burden of body dissatisfaction is still born mostly by women, but a growing trend among men warrants attention.

A study of 3,000 Australian adults showed eating disorder behaviours — including purging and extreme dieting — increased more rapidly among men than women between 1998 and 2008.

According to another large-scale study from Sydney University, men are more likely to experience mental health problems stemming from body dissatisfaction.

This can lead to the use of steroids, according to clinical psychologist Gemma Sharp heads the body image research group at Monash University.

“Just like with women, there’s an appearance ideal for men as well … the broad shoulders, muscular physique, no ‘man boobs’, larger penis,” Dr Sharp says.

Body image and sex

Expectations around sustaining sexual performance can make sex a source of stress rather than pleasure.

As it is, sex is a vulnerable space; we perform naked with our flaws on full display.

A baseline of insecurity can set us up for emotional pain, making it harder to enjoy future sexual encounters.

For Oliver, the lack of closure from being ghosted by dates reinforced his self-doubts.

“When you don’t have any other information to go on, it’s just like, ‘Well, must be my physique’,” he says.

According to Andrea Waling, a research fellow at the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University, there also exists a “normalised view of sex that it’s all about the penetration … and it’s about being able to last hours and hours and hours, which is just not the reality”.

In fact, the median duration of penetrative sex is approximately 5 minutes, and it can range anywhere between 33 seconds and 44 minutes. There are also alternatives to penetration like outercourse.

More reassuringly, porn-size penises account for only 5 per cent of the population.

According to Dr Sharp, pressures of expectation can result in safety behaviours. Safety behaviours are habits that might help someone reduce anxiety without dealing with the underlying cause of the distress.

In intimate relationships, this can include having sex in the dark, having sex with clothes on, engaging in sexual positions such that one partner can’t see the other, and avoiding sex and social encounters altogether.

However, sexual safety behaviours often fail to render sex bearable. This can lead to ‘spectatoring’: the self-conscious monitoring of one’s sexual performance.

For Anton, a 47-year-old man of Serbian origin, concerns about his height and hairiness created deep insecurities in his youth and made him question whether other boys would ever pay attention to him.

It became hard for him to approach potential partners, especially within his gay community in Melbourne, which can uphold largely unattainable physical standards.

Anton also developed performance anxiety.

“I used to find it uncomfortable ‘seeing me’,” he says. “What is he going to think of me?”

Psychosexual therapist Arlyn Owens addresses spectatoring regularly in this practice.

“What often happens is we’re thinking that something is wrong with our bodies that we need to fix,” Mr Owens says.

“We become a bit separated from our body as a source of pleasure.”

Finding confidence

Mr Owens says one solution to feeling disconnected with your body is mindful sex, which consists of slowing down, focusing on sensation, and what is happening in the body.

“So in a nutshell, we are trying to get out of the head and into the body, away from goal-oriented penetration and ejaculation to pleasure-focused sex.”

However, the first step is for men to seek help.

According to the Australian Medical Association, males are less likely than women to seek medical help. And the notion that body image issues pertain to women creates a stigma which can discourage men from seeking the necessary help.

Oliver, for example, needed therapy after a break-up. Although body image wasn’t the main focus for him, he found therapy helped him cope with body image issues, even if these still rear up their head occasionally.

“We always want to be taken seriously for who we are as a person,” Owen says, “But at the same time, we want to be pretty.”

*Names have been changed for privacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s what you need to know about sexual anxiety

Feeling anxious about sex is normal, but you don’t have to live with it forever.

By Faye M Smith

Just started dating someone new? Then most of us can relate to feeling nervous about taking things to the next level. But what happens if you have been married for years and you suddenly start to feel sexual anxiety? Turns out, these feelings can develop at any time. And, you can’t simply get over it by spicing things up with one of the best vibrators or acting out a sexual fantasy with your partner. Expert advice is key. But, the good news is we’ve asked a sexuality educator for their best tips on how get a handle on sexual anxiety.

“Anxiety associated with sex or sexual activity can be experienced by people of all ages in all sorts of relationships,” says experienced therapist Dr Katherine Hertlein, expert advisor at Blueheart. “Whenever it happens and whoever it happens with, it’s often rooted in fear or discomfort of a sexual encounter.”

Here’s everything you need to know:

How to tell if you have sexual anxiety

Not sure if you have developed anxiety around sex, or just have “normal” nerves about a sexual relationship? Knowing the signs to look out for can really help.

“Feeling anxious about sex can manifest in different ways,” says Dr Hertlein. “This is mainly through symptoms of sexual dysfunction. For example, those who suffer from sexual anxiety can report an inability to hold an erection (for men). Or, both men and women might have the inability to climax. And this may still be the case if you find your partner sexually appealing. Sometimes it can also cause premature ejaculation or a disinterest in sex. “

What causes sexual anxiety?

The causes of anxiety around sex differ. “It can be related to your state of mind and the fear of being unable to please your partner when it comes to being intimate,” says Dr Hertlein. She explains, that this might stem from:

  • Body image issues. Especially if you’re self-conscious about the way you look.
  • Low sexual confidence. This is a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to ‘performing’ in bed. It can sometimes be caused by a previous negative experience.
  • Increased amounts of stress. Stress in your daily life, from work, relationships, or general life, can cause you sexual anxiety.
  • Loss of sexual desire. Loss of libido might be because of stress or even a side-effect of medication.

Plus, there are other reasons why you may be experiencing sexual anxiety. “Sexual problems can also be the result of an underlying medical condition,” says Dr Hertlein. “It could be relationship factors, power struggles, fears, mood disorders and other mental health issues. Or even cultural or religious factors.”

Going slow can help you deal with sexual anxiety

Keen to make your sexual anxiety a thing of the past? Patience is key. “Try to move away from making sex a goal-oriented experience,” says Dr Hertlein. “It’s about taking your time, enjoying each other and finding intimacy and connection. Not only will this take the pressure off of yourself and your partner, but it’s also a chance to learn what you find sensual. Think of it as a blank slate. This is a chance to explore what you enjoy without the time pressure or end goal.”

Try to improve your lifestyle

Constantly rushing about during the day? It won’t be helping things at night. “Our life events can sometimes cause us to feel stressed or anxious, leaving our minds running even when we’re trying to relax,” says Dr Hertlein. “You might experience stress or anxiety because of something that happened at work, an argument with your family, or perhaps something else. Unfortunately, we cannot always take the stress out of our lives, but you can make lifestyle changes to help with how you deal with them.”

Luckily, the best ways are the easiest to implement. “Some of my best advice is to make sure you’re getting the advised seven to eight hours sleep every night,” says Dr Hertlein. “And make sure you are having a healthy balanced diet, and regular exercise even if it’s just an hour of walking per day. These lifestyle changes sound simple, but they enable us to put our best selves forward to deal with whatever life throws at us.”

There are techniques to help reduce sexual anxiety

Feelings of panic rising? “The goal here is to move away from focusing on the anxiety around our body and sex,” says Dr Hertlein. “General anxiety reducing strategies include mindfulness, breathing, and getting grounded. There are many resources, books, and apps that can help you to become more grounded and less anxious.” But make sure you stick with them. “It helps if you do them for a period of time,” adds Dr Hertlein.

Talk to your partner

Hiding the fact that you’re feeling anxious around sex? The best thing to do is speak up, however embarrassed you feel. “Anxiety in your relationship is likely not a comfortable thing,” says Dr Hertlein. “But, it may be helpful to talk to your partner about your anxieties, especially if your initial reaction is to avoid sex. This will help them understand what you’re experiencing so you can work through it together. The more clarity and communication you have around the topic, the easier it will be for you to both work through it.”

Don’t shy away from professional help

“Finally, if you still experience some issue with your body or sex, it’s important to talk with your GP,” says Dr Hertlein. “It might be the result of an underlying health condition or a result of any medication you’re taking.”

And don’t be scared about talking to a sex therapist. “Seek out help,” says Dr Hertlein. “Therapy for anxiety-reduction or a therapist who specialises in sexual health and couples therapy can be a life-changing method of support. Don’t suffer in silence.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to feel sexually confident

– Especially if you’re struggling with body image

When we don’t see people who look like us represented in a sexual way in mainstream media, it can inhibit our ability to feel sexual.

By Kellie Scott

Sexual confidence is not about being “good” in bed. It’s not about having ripped abs or big boobs. And it doesn’t come from having a lot of sex.

While it can mean different things to different people, at its core sexual confidence is feeling comfortable in your body, knowing you deserve pleasure and being able to articulate what you enjoy — as well as listening to the needs of your sexual partner.

Melbourne sexologist Kassandra Mourikis says people often think of it as a performance — in and outside the bedroom.

“People who make sexual jokes or talk about sex a lot are often perceived as ‘sexually confident’.

“But sometimes people are talking about sex in certain ways because they are uncomfortable or unsure about it.”

If you struggle with sexual confidence, or just want to understand a bit more about it, you’re in the right place.

Sexual confidence is fluid

Sexual confidence isn’t something we have or don’t have, explains Dr Chris Fox, a senior lecturer in sexology at the University of Sydney.

“Self-confidence is fluid, so is sexual confidence.

“I can speak in front of an audience of thousands of people, but I can’t stand in front of my family and give a speech without bursting into tears.”

Ms Mourikis says while anyone can be sexually confident, “it just takes some work”.

‘I’m inside my head so much about how my body looks’

Nanthini* says her “already shaky” sexual confidence has taken a hit after weight gain during pregnancy last year.

The 32-year-old worries about how she looks when having sex with her husband.

“I find it hard to maintain eye contact during sex and I get inside my head about what I look like to my partner.

“It affects the pleasure I am able to give and feel.”

She says even though her partner tells her she is attractive, she doesn’t feel it.

Knowing all bodies are “good bodies” and deserving of pleasure is a big part of increasing your confidence, Ms Mourikis says.

When people don’t see their body type represented in mainstream media, it inhibits their ability to feel good about their own.

“Body diversity is seriously lacking — the dominant narrative in the media centres around the pleasure and sexuality of certain types of people and bodies — namely cis, hetero, white, thin, non-disabled men first and then women,” Ms Mourikis says.

Other things that hold us back from feeling sexually confident include being discouraged to be sexual and explore our bodies — whether that be by our parents, school or partners — and not being taught to communicate our sexual preferences or to set boundaries.

What sexual confidence looks like

As well as feeling good about your body, there are other signs of sexual confidence. You may feel more confident in some areas than others.

Believing you deserve pleasure

A sexually confident person knows they’re allowed to experience pleasure and joy, says Ms Mourikis.

Understanding and communicating your own sexual desires

Knowing what you enjoy and being able to articulate it is a sign of sexual confidence.

Dr Fox says “we don’t have a shared language when it comes to sex”, which is why we need to be good communicators and listeners.

Understanding and listening to the person you’re with

Sexual confidence is someone actively listening to the needs of their partner, explains Dr Fox.

It’s also respecting those desires, and acknowledging they may be different our own, says Ms Mourikis.

Setting and accepting boundaries

A sexually confident person knows how to set boundaries and accept those of others.

“It’s sharing what you are willing to do, and not do, and accepting others’ boundaries without holding it against them or feeling rejected,” Ms Mourikis says.

5 tips for feeling sexually confident

Ms Mourikis has five tips for boosting your sexual confidence:

  1. Find out what you’re drawn to and what you’re into through connecting with different sources (for example, different masturbation styles or different partners) and notice how your body responds.
  2. Be curious about what’s going on in your body and in your sexual experiences. When you come from a place of non-judgmental curiosity, you give yourself the opportunity to enjoy, feel satisfied and confident in diverse experiences.
  3. Recognise the role of culture. Folks are taught that sexy looks a certain way. Through culture, we also learn and internalise fatphobia, colourism, ableism and ageism, Ms Mourikis says. All these messages inform how we feel about our bodies — both as sexual beings and bodies that deserve pleasure and sex.
  4. Make the shift from performative sex towards pleasurable sexual experiences by practicing mindfulness and noticing thoughts as they shift in and out of your mind and continue to bring yourself back to the moment.
  5. Learn how to communicate what you want with the people you’re being sexual with. Learn to be direct, check in often, use body language (for example, guiding with your hands or using their hands or verbal cues).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why So Many Women Aren’t Enjoying Sex as Much as They Could

The messages you hear about sex while growing up have consequences in adulthood, a study suggests.

By Claire Gillespie

For many of us, sex ed doesn’t end in high school. It’s not unusual to have to do some serious work decades after the first mention of the birds and the bees––often to try to repair the harm that was done back then.

That’s the focus of a recent study, published in the American Journal of Sexuality Education, which asked nearly 200 women to share the types of messages they’d received about sex and sexuality when they were growing up. And the vast majority of them had only negative experiences to report.

Think of all the crappy messages you’ve received about sex and your body over the years, and you’ll relate: you shouldn’t have sex before marriage, having sex during your period is disgusting, masturbation is shameful. Those messages may come from direct conversations with parents, educators, or religious leaders, or they may come from the mass media, such as Facebook, YouTube, or chat rooms.

Wherever they stem from, their impact can be long-lasting. It’s not too much of a leap to connect negative messages about sex to difficulty reaching orgasm, body image issues, a lifeless libido, and less satisfying sex in general.

For the study, participants were asked to share memorable messages they received about reproductive and/or sexual health, and their responses prove just how crucial those early messages about sex are.

One participant said they “…wish that I wouldn’t have been taught about sex as if it were a bad thing, from my school.” Another revealed that her first encounter with shame around sex came when she had chlamydia in her early 20s, and the reaction of a family member made her feel “ashamed and disgusted.”

Several participants shared negative experiences connected to strong religious-based abstinence messaging around sex. “‘Don’t have sex. If you have sex, you’re going to get pregnant and we’re going to kick you out.’ This was my sex talk from my parents,” said one. “This stuck with me for years and still does.”

But the sole aim of the study wasn’t to remind women of just how much negativity they absorbed about sex. Study authors also share different ways to combat any unfavorable lingering feelings. When the women were asked what helps them develop more positive attitudes to their sex lives, here are the four main takeaways.

Having open dialogues about sex

Many participants said the “main catalyst” for a more positive attitude toward their own sexuality was having honest conversations with friends and family, as well as hearing more discussions about sex in society in general. One participant said she had “lost some of the shame associated with menstruation and sexual health” as a result of “growing older, educating myself, and falling into fairly liberal, well-educated friendship circles.”

Getting more (and better) sex ed

Many interviewees said their perceptions of sex, health, and their bodies improved thanks to further education about sex, menstruation, fertility, and reproductive health. “This education was often initiated by the individual and included conducting independent research, asking questions of friends, family, and medical practitioners, and reading further into topics on websites, blogs, and in books,” the researchers write.

Becoming body positive

A big part of sexual empowerment for the study participants came from working on developing body comfort and acceptance and autonomy. “This paradigm shift toward empowerment often stemmed from participants educating themselves about their bodily functions,” the researchers write.

“My perspective about menstruation and reproductive health has changed over time,” said one participant. “I now see them as amazing biological functions that are a testament to how impressive the human body is, thanks to friends who have empowered me to embrace my own fertility.”

Ditching gender stereotypes

The women in the study felt more positively about their bodies, sexual health, and sex in general when they questioned traditional beliefs about womanhood and femininity, as well as challenged stereotypical gender roles.

It’s undeniable that young women need positive messages about reproductive and sexual health as part of their upbringing. Perhaps a good starting point would be for every parent, educator and religious institution to get a copy of this study.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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ANDRO/GYNE

By Cayla Rubin

ANDRO/GYNE is an intimate photo essay that without words and through an alluring, artistic lens, gives voice to a large group of strong individuals that deserve a platform in mainstream discourse. The mysterious black and white, nude photo series juxtaposes a man and a woman who has undergone a mastectomy without reconstruction. This passion project is shining a light onto the taboos surrounding reconstructive surgery through illustrating the power that resides in vulnerability.

Recently, certain silicone breast implants were recalled due to the fact they are known to cause lymphoma. This prismatic photo story explores the fluidity that resides in femininity. The power the results from choosing health, and being confident in that decision, versus feeling the need to transform oneself because of underlying mainstream beauty pressures is effortlessly portrayed.

You are very quick (and correct) to point out that gender and sexuality do not originate in the breasts. Why do you think that society places such a huge importance on breasts?

Breasts instantly communicate to the male gaze the fundamental desirability of the female: her ability to produce children and provide sexual gratification. The degree to which the semiotics of breasts is defined in our culture by the male gaze became glaringly apparent to me when I lost mine due to cancer.

The sexual and nurturing power of the breast is not part of that definition, especially in the US.  Rather, that power, which is the feminine power in the equation, is controversial. Bra-burning, rappers flashing or grabbing their breasts, the rows over public breast-feeding and the bizarre practice of strippers covering their nipples with tassels all attest to this.

Culturally we like breasts to be large and prominent but devoid of active female sexuality, i.e. nipples. It is total objectification. Showing cleavage is sexy. Showing nipples is slutty.

Oftentimes, doctors who prefer breast reconstruction following mastectomies push the narrative of “restoring femininity.” What are better hallmarks of femininity that we should place more value on?

Ultimately femininity is part of sexual identity and drive, regardless of your assigned gender or physical appearance. When women are objectified it serves to negate their sexual agency. So the cultural ideal of a woman, as defined by a male objectifying gaze, is a woman who is a recipient and mirror of male desire but has none of her own.

The hallmark of a feminine woman, to me, is her sexuality, and until we come to terms with that, culturally, nothing will likely change.

What offended me in the discussions with doctors around reconstructive surgery was that it was solely focused on how others experience me sexually and completely left out how I conceive of and experience my sexuality. Having lumps of numb silicone installed in my chest will not do anything for my sexuality. If anything it will detract, because it would destroy the recovered sensitivity of my chest.

The subtext in much of this discussion was that I would not be able to have sex, if I did not have breasts. No doubt many men would pass on a woman with no breasts, but they might also pass for any number of other reasons. In the end, those who pass me up are not relevant to the vitality of my sexuality.

Why is it important to picture both a man and a woman in this photo series, rather than placing the sole focus on the woman?

For a couple of reasons. We wanted to contrast femininity and masculinity to offset my femininity in a way that is readily understandable, posed next to a classically beautiful male. The nude couple is a classic genre, and we wanted to have the series work within that genre and at the same time push the boundaries of the genre. We wanted the scars to be fully visible and yet not be the main focus. We wanted the focus to be on me interacting fully as a woman, in spite of the scars, and age for that matter.

But it also had to do, more generally, with the narratives around cancer survivorship. Especially with breast cancer, it tends to be all about the lone “cancer warrior” overcoming tragedy. I don’t see it that way. I am not a survivor. I am alive in every sense of the word and, to me, being alive is all about my relationships and connections with others. Foivos happens to be a talented actor and performer, so he had the chops to do this, but he is also a good friend. I wanted that human connection and dialogue in the photographs, because that is how I know that I am alive.

What do you believe should be considered the root of female sexuality?

As with any person’s sexuality, the root has to be how you yourself experience and live your sexuality, not how others try to define it. LGBTQ people know this very well, but living a lifetime as a cis woman, I had never fully realized how much social norms interfered with my sexuality. Losing the breasts was enlightening in many ways, because it forced me to engage with my femininity and sexuality in a whole new way, liberated, in a sense, from the objectification that had been part of my life from the time I grew breasts. Rather than detract from my sexuality, the surgery led me to reclaim it as my own.

What is one thing you wish more people knew about breast amputation?

Just one thing? I would have to say that reconstructive surgery is more complicated than most people think. The amputation itself is a relatively simple and easy surgery for most people. The pain and complications start with reconstructive surgery, which, by the way, is typically a minimum of two surgeries and often more than that. Many women are very pleased with their results, but many women are not. The reconstruction will allow you to remain within the normative boundaries for a cis woman, but finding your center as a woman will take work with or without reconstructed breasts.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Worst Thing About Sex For Nearly A Third of Women

by Kelly Gonsalves

If I asked you what the worst thing about having sex is, what would you say?

For nearly one out of three women, it’s body shame.

Sex toy company Lovehoney asked over 3,000 people this question. Men’s top concern about sex was when it was over too quickly. But for women, the most commonly reported worst thing about sex was feeling self-conscious—some 30% of women said this.

Why women feel so self-conscious during sex—and how it affects their pleasure.

“Our culture puts a lot of pressure on women to be attractive yet not too sexual—open and receptive to sexual experience but not too knowledgeable or demanding,” certified sex coach Myisha Battle, M.S., explains to mbg. “There is also societal pressure for women’s bodies to conform to an often unattainable standard of beauty. All of this (and sometimes more) contributes to why women feel self-conscious during sex.”

Past research has found body image to be a big roadblock to women’s sexual well-being: Studies have shown feeling bad about your body makes you less likely to advocate for your needs in bed, stand firm in your boundaries, and ask for safer sexual practices. On the other hand, feeling confident in your body—particularly your genitalia—has been linked with being less stressed over “performance” during sex and actually having an easier time getting turned on, lubricated, and having orgasms.

“It’s really challenging to believe in your sense of pleasure when you are constantly questioning whether or not you are living up to standards that the world imposes upon you,” Battle says. “When we don’t feel the best in our bodies, our sex lives can suffer. In my practice I see people who have difficulty with arousal and orgasm as a result of self-monitoring and overthinking. It’s actually very common. When our minds are racing with these thoughts, it can inhibit our ability to tap into physical sensations and dampen our experience of pleasure.”

How to get out of your head during sex.

1. The “M” word.

Yes, it’s about mindfulness—you can’t get away from it!

Mindfulness is deeply tied to sexual pleasure. No matter your gender, if you regularly find yourself feeling self-conscious and anxious about the way your body looks during sex, Battle recommends taking up a meditation or mindfulness practice to be able to monitor your thoughts and learn to release the negative ones.

“Notice when you’re having a self-critical thought. Keep a journal if it’s helpful. You may be surprised at how many times this happens,” she explains. “You can then try replacing each negative thought with a positive one. It takes time and sometimes a lot of effort to come up with something positive, but over time it can be really helpful for cultivating a positive self-image.”

(If you need some ideas for positive thoughts to repeat to yourself about your body, I love feminist life coach and women’s rights lawyer Kara Loewentheil, J.D.’s recommendations.)

2. Rally the troops.

Self-confidence stems from within, but that doesn’t mean the people in your life who love you can’t help you in that journey. Research shows people who talk about sex with their friends tend to have more sexual self-confidence and are more willing to ask for what they want in bed. And if you’re in a relationship, that partner of yours should be worshipping your body—and making it obvious. Another study found people who feel like their partner really appreciates their body are more sexually satisfied, have more desire and orgasms, and are more satisfied with their relationship overall.

3. Develop a body love ritual.

“I also recommend taking some time out of each day to practice body acceptance and self-love. Take a moment to thank your legs for getting you to work, your belly for digesting your food, your arms for helping you carry your groceries, and so on,” Battle says. “We only get one body in this world, and regardless of ability, age, size, or race, every body has the capacity for pleasure and is deserving of it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How right-wing purity culture leaves women with lasting psychological damage and self-hate

By

The so-called “purity” culture in the Christian evangelical community has made millions for churches and Christian swag manufacturers. However, it’s been harming millions of teens across the country who made a vow of chastity before marriage.

Statistics reveal that 85 percent of men and 81 percent of women have sex prior to marriage, so the numbers aren’t looking good for the church. For those who made the pledge but fell short of the goal, damaging implications have followed, The Christian Post reported.

“Amid the rise of the #MeToo movement paired with reports of sex abuse within the Church, individuals whose lives were shaped by purity culture began to push back,” the report said. “They shared stories of how some of the more problematic aspects of the movement, though well-intentioned, caused them to have an unhealthy relationship with religion, relationships, and sex.”

Cait West revealed her upbringing in Christian patriarchy where women were to be submissive to male house-heads. Female children were not allowed to date unless it was a courtship seeking marriage. She recalled being “shamed for normal adolescent curiosity.” Any sexual thoughts meant she was basically fornicating.

“Dating was never an option,” she told The Christian Post in an interview. “I was never taught about sex or sexuality at all. I remember asking my parents, testing the waters, ‘What’s this about?’ And they brushed it aside. I was never allowed to explore or ask questions, so I never thought of myself as a sexual being because of that.”

She learned that women being sexual beings were bad. They weren’t allowed to be sexual. Everything was tied to shame. Even clothing had to be approved by her father, who would gauge the “modesty” of the outfit.

 

“My father would come to the store with me and judge everything I had on,” she said. “That overt male gaze judging my clothing throughout my adolescence and into my 20’s really shaped how I thought of myself because I never thought who I was from my perspective.”

That shame then turned to anxiety. It wasn’t until she left the faith at 25 that she began to explore the emotional damage that had been done. She called it “emotional, physical and spiritual trauma.”

“I felt very disconnected from my own body because I was never taught about the sexual part of me,” she said. “I didn’t want to think about my own body or explore my own sexuality because it was a dirty part of me I wasn’t allowed to explore. It made me feel weird about living in my own body, and I didn’t realize just how much I hated my own body until I left the movement.”

As a spouse, she now struggles to think of sex as something intimate for partners and not purely for procreation.

“I’ve had a lot of trouble with disassociation in sexually intimate moments because it’s too much for me to be present in my own body because it feels bad,” she explained. “For years, you’re told something is bad — and then suddenly you get married and you’re supposed to be OK with it. It was like I was trained not to have that part of me turned on or be aware of things.”

“I’ve been working through that process of figuring out what those toxic messages were and re-train myself to have agency,” she added.

Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Women and How I Broke Free by Linda Kay Klein walks through the struggle with gender-based shame, fear and the emotional distress that can leave lasting damage to women. She began compiling stories from dozens of friends in the purity movement. All of the women experienced psychological problems related to sex and sexuality.

“My interviewees made different life choices, yet among their stories, I heard many of the same themes,” she shared. “I heard about sexual and gender-based shame, fear, anxiety, and experiences stemming from their shame that mimicked Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder, such as nightmares, panic attacks, and paranoia. Several of my interviewees told me their shame was also creating deep problems in their marriages, particularly in their marriage beds.”

She explained that as girls grow into women they’re still taught never to “inspire” sexual thoughts from men. It makes an easy transition to rape culture, which maintains that women are responsible for the actions of men raping or abusing them. In no other crime is the victim the responsible party. However, conservatives blame clothing or behavior of a victim for the actions of someone else.

“In other words, girls grew up with the message that not only did we need to be pure, but it was our responsibility to ensure that the whole community was pure. That’s a lot of pressure for a young girl!” exclaimed Klein.

But it’s the shame that leaves lasting damage to women who self-impose guilt. She noted the shame is a huge part of the purity movement.

“Shame isn’t bashfulness,” she said. “It is a feeling of our being unworthy, or being seen as unworthy in other people’s eyes, that causes us to disconnect from ourselves, from others, and—from what I’ve seen in my interviews—from God at times. It can lead to emotional isolation which can develop into dangerous levels of hopelessness, desperation, subsequent self-harm, and much more.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!