Here are 15 things you need to know if you want to be a good top!
1. Have some serious foreplay
We’ve all been there. We’re turned on, we’re excited, we just want to get to the game, but sometimes the tailgate is the best part. You want the experience to last. You want him to feel comfortable. Take your time before getting to the actual penetration.
2. Have the condoms
While it’s not the job of all tops to carry condoms, it’s often expected that they are the ones who will. Don’t rely on the bottom to carry the condoms. As the top, the responsibility is more on you. Also, yes, I know PrEP is a thing, and you should be on it. While a miracle drug, it doesn’t protect against other STIs besides HIV, and even if your partner is on PrEP, he may still want to use a condom.
3. Gently enter and ask how it feels
For the love of god, don’t start off by jack hammering. Go slow. Let him get used to having you inside of him. Ask how they feel. Ask if he needs more lube or if you need to pull out for a second.
4. Switch up positions and speeds
Don’t do the same thing the whole time. Speed up. Slow down. Switch positions. While (most) bottoms like to be pounded extra hard in doggystyle, that’s not the only thing we like. Oh, and it can be super sexy to make out while you’re inside of him. If you can jerk him off while you’re inside him too, even better.
5. Give him a break if he’s on top
It takes a lot of work to do cowboy, or any other riding position. Unless he’s a porn star, he’s going to get tired. Sometimes he won’t feel comfortable asking you to switch positions, which is why you should preemptively ask him if he wants to switch it up.
6. Do not false advertise
You know your junk better than anyone else. One of my biggest pet peeves is when I meet a guy, we go back, and he is freakin’ huge. Like donkey d*ck, monster huge. I’m like, where do you expect me to put that? Why did you not give me fair warning? I could have loosened up for you. This is no longer sexy that you’re well-endowed. It’s just annoying. Then there’s the other side of the coin. Don’t lie about being bigger than you are. You can’t hide it. Like, we’re going to find out and be annoyed if you gave yourself an extra three inches.
7. Pull out if you’re going to orgasm too quickly
Slow it down if you’re about to orgasm. If that’s not enough, pull out and do some other “stuff” while your body takes a break. You don’t want to ejaculate within seconds of being inside of him.
8. If you do ejaculate prematurely, let him know your refractory time, and go again
It’s not the end of the world if you orgasm quickly. Just let him know you can have some other fun for a little bit, and then go at it again. Just because you finish once, doesn’t mean that’s the end. Go again! And the second time, you’ll be able to last longer.
9. Don’t be annoying with putting on the condom
Don’t try to sneak it in there without asking. For the love of God, don’t take it off in the middle of having sex without telling him. Sex with condoms can be really annoying. Trust me, I know. But you need to respect your bottom and his wishes.
10. Say his name during sex
This is just hot. It makes him feel special and wanted. I haven’t met a single guy who doesn’t like hearing his name out loud during sex. It’s a simple yet effective turn-on technique.
11. Don’t make a big deal if you get a little “mud” on you
Butts are not chocolate soft serves. Yes, some poop can come out, but not that often or that much if you’re aware of your body. That said, it will happen at some point. It’s inevitable. Don’t make a big deal. Simply ask to change condoms. Or, if you don’t mind, afterwards, take off the condom, wrap it in a paper towel and throw it out without him seeing. Then go wash yourself off. You don’t need to tell him it happened if he didn’t realize. There’s no reason to embarrass him.
12. Read your partner and when in doubt, ask
Sometimes your partner will be vocal. It’ll be clear what he wants you to do. Other times, you’ll have to read him more. Would he like you to go slower or faster? Harder or softer? If you’re not sure, just ask!
13. Let him know when you’re about to finish and ask him where he wants you to orgasm
Some guys like it when you finish inside of them. Other guys, not so much. Some guys like you to finish on unlikely places. Be a gentleman and do what he asks. If he says he doesn’t care, still give him a heads up by telling him where you’re going to ejaculate.
14. Help him finish afterward
Just because you finished doesn’t mean the fun is over. Some bottoms don’t like to ejaculate, but many do. Don’t assume because you were the top that sex is over once you finish. Don’t be greedy. Help him finish if he wants to.
15. Don’t rush out afterward
If you want him to feel used, then yes, rush out afterwards. If not, lay in bed with him for a while. Cuddle. Have some pillow talk. Let him know that he’s more than just a piece of meat and a tight hole. Unless, of course, this was the agreement and both you knew it was a quickie. If that’s the case, then don’t overstay your welcome. Get the hell out.
Workers with the UK National Health Service take part in the London Pride Parade in 2019.
Personalizing cancer treatment doesn’t only mean matching a drug to molecular markers on a tumour — it should also take into account a person’s sexual identity, interests and wishes.
In 2007, 55-year-old Australian sociologist Gary Dowsett was diagnosed with prostate cancer. On the basis of his relatively young age and his test results, his physicians told him that radical prostatectomy — surgery to remove his prostate completely — was his best option. The procedure went well, but Dowsett had questions — he wanted to know how it would affect his sex life as a gay man, and how to negotiate the physical, sexual and emotional changes that would result from his treatment. For the most part, his questions went unanswered. “Medical professionals were sympathetic, but most knew next to nothing about gay men,” says Dowsett.
Having worked in social HIV/AIDS research for about 40 years, Dowsett, an emeritus professor at the Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society at La Trobe University in Melbourne, was shocked to discover how far behind prostate-cancer physicians and researchers were in understanding men’s sexuality. “It was all about erections, as if sex starts and ends there,” he says. There were no patient-education materials available for men who have sex with men; nor was there much scientific literature. “There was quite a bit for heterosexual men in terms of intimacy with their wives,” Dowsett says. But for gay and bisexual men, who are more likely than heterosexual men to be single when diagnosed with prostate cancer1, and might engage in different sexual practices, little of that applied. “That’s really what got my dander up,” he says.
Physicians might not realize that the needs and concerns of gay and bisexual men are different from those of heterosexual men, says Channa Amarasekera, a urologist and director of the Gay and Bisexual Men’s Urology Program at Northwestern Medicine in Chicago, Illinois. Although the biology of prostate cancer is the same for all, the impact that the disease and its treatments have on a person can vary significantly depending on their sexual orientation and preferred sexual practices.
Dowsett started working in prostate-cancer research after his treatment. He and other researchers have made considerable progress in documenting the experiences of people from sexual and gender minority groups, and uncovering the impact that prostate-cancer treatments have on them. “The quality of life is really affecting some people, and we need to recognize that,” says Daniel Dickstein, a radiation oncologist at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City. However, evidence of the problems facing gay and bisexual men will not by itself enable clinicians to advise their patients properly: empowering physicians with evidence-backed guidance, and improving communication, will also be crucial.
Understanding the impact
The prostate, a gland which lies along the urethra between the bladder and penis, is the second most common site of cancer in men worldwide, trailing only slightly behind lung cancer. About one in six gay and bisexual men will develop prostate cancer; there is little research into its incidence in transgender women. But it is only in the past decade that research into prostate cancer specifically in gay and bisexual men has gained interest, says Simon Rosser, a behavioural psychologist at the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis.
Prostate cancer is typically treated by removing the gland through surgery, or by killing cancerous cells using radiation. These can be combined with androgen-deprivation therapy, in which the person’s levels of testosterone are reduced to slow the growth of the tumour.
Common side effects of these treatments include urinary incontinence, erectile dysfunction, a reduced libido and impaired ability to ejaculate. These are broadly similar for all patients, but some differences have been noted between heterosexual men and gay and bisexual men. One study, for example, showed that gay and bisexual men have worse urinary, bowel and hormonal function than heterosexual men after treatment for prostate cancer, but better erectile function2. Similarly, a study led by Jane Ussher, a clinical psychologist at Western Sydney University in Australia, found that gay and bisexual men are more likely than heterosexual men to be able to get and sustain an erection after prostate-cancer treatment3. “One of the reasons for that is that they are more likely to do something about it — like to go and get counselling, try penile injections and suction devices, or use Viagra,” she explains.
In many cases, the impact of sexual dysfunction arising from prostate-cancer treatment is magnified in gay and bisexual men. “Due to differences in sexual practices, they may have additional concerns, and some sexual side effects will be more bothersome or challenging to manage,” says Sean Ralph, a consultant therapeutic radiographer at Leeds Cancer Centre, UK, and co-founder of Out with Prostate Cancer, the United Kingdom’s first prostate-cancer support group for gay and bisexual men and transgender women.
For example, an erection must be 33% firmer for anal intercourse than for vaginal intercourse4. This makes any loss of erection hardness more of a problem for men who engage in insertive anal intercourse — not purely the preserve of gay and bisexual men, but nonetheless a part of many such relationships.
Channa Amarasekera (right) consults with a patient at Northwestern Medicine in Chicago.Credit: Northwestern Medicine
The prostate also acts as an organ of sexual pleasure and orgasm for some people through anal stimulation. “Many men think prostate stimulation is the be-all and end-all in gay sex,” says Rosser. If the prostate is removed, in many cases so, too, is the pleasure for men who have receptive anal intercourse5. Rosser also estimates that one-third of these men experience anodyspareunia, or pain during anal intercourse — double the rate before treatment. And removing the prostate puts a stop to ejaculation. “That was a real blow for me,” says Dowsett. Visible semen can be a sign of a satisfying sexual experience. In a 2013 study, Dowsett and his team found that men who have sex with men were more distressed by the loss of ejaculate than were heterosexual men6.
Communication blockage
A 2016 study led by Ussher found that gay and bisexual men with prostate cancer report significantly lower quality of life and satisfaction with treatment than do heterosexual men1. In some cases, the psychological impact might be made worse by the fact that many people are not made aware of all of the consequences of their therapy beforehand.
Dowsett notes that the loss of the ability to ejaculate after a radical prostatectomy was absent from much of the public-health literature at the time he was diagnosed — he learnt of it only after he went for a second opinion. Similarly, Ussher says that many people are not told that their penis can shorten after a radical prostatectomy, or that this is sometimes temporary. Failure of health professionals to discuss these highly relevant effects of treatments with their patients often leads to lasting anger, distress and harm, says Rosser. “It’s an ethical violation in my mind,” he says.
Physicians also commonly overlook the specific side effects for people from sexual and gender minorities — essentially taking away their ability to make an informed decision about their treatment, Amarasekera says. When physicians do consider a person’s sexuality, there are actions that might improve quality of life. For example, Dickstein suggests that inserting a hydrogel spacer between the prostate and rectum, which reduces the amount of radiation the rectal wall is exposed to, might improve a person’s ability to engage in receptive anal intercourse.
There are also risks that particularly affect gay and bisexual men that could be avoided if physicians are made aware. For example, men are usually advised to resume sexual activity soon after prostate-cancer treatments to help with erectile function, but receptive anal intercourse can cause damage. Clinicians should also consider the use of drugs called poppers in this group of people, Dickstein says. These inhaled drugs, made from chemicals called alkyl nitrites, are commonly used by gay and bisexual men to relax their anal sphincter muscle and enhance sexual pleasure. However, if they are combined with Viagra — often prescribed for erectile dysfunction — the results could be devastating, warns Dickstein. Both drugs lower blood pressure, and the mixture could cause serious cardiovascular problems.
Unfortunately, most physicians do not ask people about their sexual orientation or practices7. “This sets up a don’t-ask-don’t-tell dynamic where patients can’t be honest with you about who they are and what their problems are,” says Amarasekera. Urologists have reported concern about offending their older, more conservative patients by asking about their sexual orientation. “But the majority are not offended,” says Rosser. “All you need to do is ask.” The fact that transgender women are at risk of prostate cancer is also often forgotten (see ‘Targeting treatment for transgender women’).
Targeting treatment for transgender women
Prostate cancer in transgender women is thought to be rare — but it does occur. “Trans women will have a prostate, even if they’ve had gender-affirmation surgery,” says Alison May Berner, an oncologist and gender-identity specialist at the Tavistock and Portman NHS Foundation Trust in London. However, advice for physicians on caring for this population is lacking.
“A lot of physicians forget to check trans women’s prostate,” says Channa Amarasekera, a urologist and director of the Gay and Bisexual Men’s Urology Program at Northwestern Medicine in Chicago, Illinois. And even when they do, subsequent care cannot follow an identical path to that for cisgender men. For example, gender-affirming surgery that some transgender women undertake could be more difficult if they have already had radiotherapy for prostate cancer. “Surgeons do not like operating on parts of the body when they have been treated with radiotherapy,” explains Sean Ralph, a consultant therapeutic radiographer at Leeds Cancer Centre, UK.
There is also no level of prostate-specific antigen (PSA) — a common biomarker for prostate cancer — that is agreed to be cause for concern in transgender women. Gender-affirming hormone therapy artificially suppresses PSA levels, meaning a low PSA reading in a transgender woman might not mean a clean bill of health, as physicians might otherwise assume.
But there are potential positives. Worries that treatments are in some way feminizing might not be an issue for some transgender women or non-binary people. In addition, some scientists think that gender-affirming hormone therapy might actually protect against prostate cancer. A study by researchers in the Netherlands of 2,281 transgender women who received androgen-deprivation therapy and oestrogens found they had a lower risk of prostate cancer than did cisgender men10. “Gender-affirming hormones reduce the testosterone to the prostate which usually drives the cancer,” explains Berner. However, the hormones used in other parts of the world can differ, so the data might not be transferable to other countries.
In many cases, the problem is a lack of education and training among clinicians. Amarasekera has found that many urologists have received less than five hours of instruction on how to treat people from sexual and gender minorities7, and most felt that they needed more.
There is, for example, a lack of guidance on how to discuss the various sexual roles that a gay or bisexual person can take on in anal intercourse, and the implications for treatment. “One might identify as a top or insertive partner, a bottom or receptive partner, or might be versatile and engage in both, and that may change the treatment discussion,” explains Dickstein. In some cases, changing roles after treatment could improve quality of life. However, such a change will not be acceptable for everyone. “It’s not as simple as, I’ll just change a role — both the psychological and social consequences of that are much more complicated and long-term,” warns Dowsett.
It is therefore important that conversations between physicians and patients go deeper than covering just sexual orientation. “You have to move past orientation and understand sexual preferences or interests if you really want to take into account the whole post-treatment experience,” Dowsett says. And this goes for people who are heterosexual, as well — even though the average age of diagnosis is 66, Dowsett says that many people might be willing to try new things, including sexual aids, to improve their quality of life after treatment if physicians are able to discuss it. “It’s very hard to shift the urology and oncology fields to stop thinking about straight men with prostate cancer as being their grandfathers,” Dowsett says.
Culture of trust
Another obstacle to tailoring treatment to gay and bisexual men is that some people might not be forthcoming about their sexual orientation because of mistrust or past trauma. Many people will have had negative experiences with health-care services, says Ralph. For example, one gay man in his support group had surgery without disclosing his sexual orientation because he was worried that his operation would be performed in a careless manner if the clinicians knew he was gay. Others will choose to wait until they have met the physician to decide whether they feel safe to discuss it with them, or simply assume that the physician would be able to tell without having to discuss it openly.
To address this, last year Amarasekera launched a programme specifically to help people from sexual and gender minorities to access care. “There was a significant number of patients who identified as gay or bisexual who felt like there wasn’t a space where they could be open about what their issues were when it came to prostate-cancer treatment,” he says. In 2019, the UK National Health Service (NHS) adopted the rainbow-badge initiative, in which staff can opt to wear a badge that marks them as an ally for LGBT+ people and a safe person to talk to. Clinicians applying for the badge do not receive specific training, but are expected to read some brief information and pledge to promote inclusion. “However, the onus is still on the patient to disclose their sexual orientation or gender identity,” says Ralph.
The guidance available to prostate-cancer clinicians and patients is also improving. The American Society of Clinical Oncology and the US National Comprehensive Cancer Network note that discussions on sexual activity and sexuality are important for cancer treatment, although they still do not address specifics of how to tailor screening or treatment to gay and bisexual men.
In 2021, Ralph published recommendations on anal-sex practices before, during and after prostate cancer interventions8. The advice is based on the opinions of 15 clinical oncologists and 11 urological surgeons in the United Kingdom. It includes recommendations on how to long to wait before engaging in receptive anal sex after radical prostatectomy and radiotherapy, as well as after a biopsy and before a test for prostate-specific antigen — a blood test that is commonly used in screening, but which can be invalidated by prostate stimulation.
To provide further recommendations for clinicians, much more research on people from sexual and gender minorities is required, Dickstein says. “It’s difficult to offer patients advice,” he says. “I can’t say this is the treatment that you should choose because it’s better for having anal receptive intercourse — I seriously do not know.” Evidence for how different treatment approaches might affect problems such as anodyspareunia, for instance, is lacking.
Research into gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men has been hampered by small sample sizes, says Rosser. The largest such research sample, collected by Rosser in 2019, included 401 people9. “Cancer registries do not routinely collect data on gender diversity and sexuality,” says Ussher. “We don’t know how many people out there with cancer identify as queer, bisexual, gay or lesbian, or who are trans or have an intersex variation.”
We still have a long way to go, says Rosser — not just in terms of research, but also in educating patients and clinicians on how to communicate with each other about sexual orientation and practices. “This might take a while,” he says. But it is essential that prostate-cancer treatment is tailored to each person’s needs. Equitable care does not mean treating everyone the same, Dowsett says, and any clinician who holds that opinion is wrong. “You can still treat people fairly and equally, but must recognize differences that require different responses.”
Prostate massage is a procedure in which a finger is inserted into the rectum to stimulate the prostate gland either for sexual stimulation or to treat medical conditions such an enlarged prostate, prostatitis (prostate inflammation), erectile dysfunction, and urination hesitancy (difficulty urinating).
This article will discuss the medical and sexual purposes of prostate massage. It also covers how the procedure is done, along with the risks and side effects that may come with it.
Purpose of Prostate Massage
The goal of prostate massage is to release excess seminal fluid—the fluid that mixes with sperm to create semen—from the ducts of the prostate gland. This is thought by some to ease inflammation, promote urination, and relieve symptoms of prostate conditions.1
The prostate gland is located between the bladder and the root of the penis. It produces seminal fluid that nourishes and transports sperm during ejaculation.2 The urethra (the tube through which urine and semen exit the body) runs through the center of the prostate.2
Certain prostate conditions are thought to benefit from prostate massage, including benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) and prostatitis.3
Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH)
BPH is the enlargement of the prostate with age. While the prostate is usually the size of a walnut, for those in their 60s or older, the prostate can reach the size of a plum or even larger. This can cause the compression of the urethra and urinary problems such as:4
For some people, prostatitis can occur spontaneously for no known reason, mainly in older males. Unlike BPH which is progressive, prostatitis can clear (although some people may experience recurrence).5
Some people also regard the prostate gland as the “male G spot.” The prostate, penis, and urethra are all attached to a group of nerves called the prostatic plexus that are activated during orgasm.6
Massaging the prostate gland manually (with a finger) or during anal sex is thought to enhance sexual pleasure.
Evidence of Benefits
The current evidence supporting the therapeutic benefits of prostate massage remain weak and largely subjective.
One study published in the journal Open Urology and Nephrology reported that 115 males with BPH experienced an improvement in symptoms after using a prostate massage device.7
However, the significance of the findings was limited by the lack of a control group, medical tests, or exams of any kind. The researchers instead relied on questionnaires filled out by the participants.
Some contend that prostate massage can treat conditions like erectile dysfunction, which can sometimes arise due to BPH medications. Although prostate massage may enhance the intensity of ejaculation, there is no evidence it can overcome problems like erectile dysfunction.8
Possible Side Effects
The tissues lining the prostate and rectum are delicate and vulnerable to cuts, tears, and abrasions. Massaging the prostate too intensely can easily lead to soreness. In the study described above, for example, 8.3% of participants reported discomfort after a prostate massage.7
Overly aggressive prostate massage can also cause rectal bleeding, creating a risk of bacterial infection or aggravating hemorrhoids.
Furthermore, manual prostate massage is discouraged for males with acute bacterial prostatitis. The massage increases inflammation and may promote the spread of bacteria to the urethra, other parts of the urinary tract, and the bloodstream.9
That said, a few small studies of the effects of prostate massage performed by a physician have shown it to be beneficial as a therapy for chronic prostatitis when paired with antibiotics.10
Contraindications and Risks
Males suspected of having prostate cancer should not be treated with (or engage in) prostate massage, as this may cause tumor cells to break off and spread to nearby tissues.
There’s some evidence that prostate massage, prior to certain tests for prostate cancer, may increase the sensitivity of the test, making it more likely the cancer will be detected.
However, a prostate-specific antigen (PSA) blood test should not be conducted immediately after a prostate massage, as this could lead to false-positive results.11<
Even if cancer is not an issue, it's important to avoid injuring the prostate. The thin, pliable membrane covering the prostate—the prostatic plexus—is full of nerves that serve the sponge-like corpora cavernosa of the penis.
Massaging the prostate too intensely can damage nerves in the corpora cavernosa—two chambers composed of erectile tissue that run the length of the penis. Damage to the corpora cavernosa can result in pain and erectile dysfunction.
How to Prepare for a Prostate Massage
Prostate massage is considered a pleasurable sexual practice by some men. If you try it, to prevent injury or discomfort, you should:
Trim and file fingernails to prevent scratches, cuts, or tears to the rectum or prostate.
Wash and dry hands thoroughly prior to performing prostate massage.
Apply generous amounts of silicone or water-based lubricant (ideally fragrance-free) to help prevent rectal damage or discomfort.
Consider wearing latex or nitrile gloves for added protection.
Before receiving a prostate massage, perform a light douching to remove fecal matter from the rectum.
Never engage in a prostate massage if you or your partner has fissures or hemorrhoids. Doing so can cause bleeding and may increase the risk of infection.
How to Do a Prostate Massage
If performing prostate massage for sexual purposes, it often helps to achieve a state of arousal first. Doing so moves the gland into a slightly upward and backward position as the penis becomes erect.
Apply lube liberally around the anus.
Insert an index finger slowly to the first knuckle and start masturbating.
Pull the finger out and re-apply lube.
As you continue to masturbate, replace your finger back into the anus, this time to the second knuckle.
Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you reach the third knuckle.
Once the finger is fully inserted, search for a rounded lump roughly 4 inches inside the rectum and up towards the root of the penis. This is the prostate.
Gently massage the prostate in a circular or back-and-forth motion using the pad of a finger. You can also apply gentle pressure for seven to 10 seconds, again with the pad of a finger rather than the tip.
Summary
There is very little evidence to support the claims that prostate massage is an effective therapy for prostatitis, enlarged prostate, or other conditions that affect the prostate.
It is clear, however, that prostatic massage comes with risks for males who have bacterial prostatitis, prostate cancer, fissures, or hemorrhoids. For them, prostate massage should be avoided, as it can worsen their condition.
If you’re here you are probably the right mix of open-minded and curious to want to find out what pegging is, exactly. Maybe you had a partner ask you about trying it when you mix things up, a match on a dating app with a love for anal play mentioned it in passing or maybe you watched the now-iconic pegging episode of Broad City and it caught your attention. That’s not at all surprising.
Now, we’re not here (nor are we ever here) to pass judgement on what anyone likes in bed or who they do it with, provided all parties involved are grown-up, game and thoroughly into it. So if you’re looking for pearl clutching, finger wagging or whatever, this probably isn’t going to be the strap-on festooned post for you. Sorry!
But we are here to explain pegging to the thus far uninitiated. And, really, it’s not that scary or scandalous at all.
So what is pegging?
The term “pegging” was first coined by Dan Savage all the way back in 2001 to describe when a cisgender man is penetrated by a partner who is a cis-female using a strap-on. But as attitudes around gender and gendered roles of who “naturally” gives and receives penetration have evolved, enlightened and grown up, the term is now used to describe most penetration with a strap-on (which is just a two-piece sex toy that includes a dildo for penetrating and a harness to keep it on the person doing said penetrating).
Not to make it all sound underwhelming or uninteresting, because it most certainly isn’t that! But what is referred to as “pegging” is also literally just how some people with some body parts have intercourse depending on who likes what sensations. So that’s to say that it’s not particularly kinky or (snort) deviant in the realm of sexual pleasure humans enjoy — so, while there’s no reason to feel shame for any of your desires, there’s additionally no reason to feel weird or shameful about being into it.
How does it work?
We’ll have a variety of answers to this one because bodies and tastes are so wonderfully diverse! But the short answer is: Like any other kind of penetration.
For people taking their first steps into anal play in general, I’d very much advise you pick up a toy and anal-friendly lubricant
— as that hole is not self-lubricating and not all lubes play well with sex toys— and some fun toys of varying sizes(with flared bases please!) to get started. This will help all partners get a feel for what they like, what feels good and what maybe gets to the edge of their comfort zones. You definitely start with a thorough conversation and negotiation of those comfort zones and maybe a finger before getting too deep (literally or figuratively) with additional toys.
Once you’re sure you’re comfortable and sure you’re both into it, you’ll want to invest in a strap-on with the right fit: You’ll want something that can be hands-free, comfortable (there are inclusive sizes available at a lot of your favorite sex toy retailers!) and provide the giver with the pleasure they want and that also has a dildo — or several — that aligns with what their partner being penetrated would like to experience.
There are smaller strap-ons designed for beginners that are less intense and girthy, so don’t freak out if you come across something that seems too big early on in your shopping experience. Feel free to search out “small strap ons for pegging” too and see if you can’t find something that feels like a fit. There might be some trial and error along the way and that’s totally fine!
From there, you’ll just want to make sure you’re practicing safe and responsible sexual citizenship: Use a safe-word or stoplight system if you feel it’s necessary (the red, yellow and green can be helpful for making each step a little more explicit and bypass some awkward fumbling), check in with your partner throughout the actual intercourse and aftercare, practice good sex toy hygiene which, in addition to thoroughly cleaning your toys, means using condoms if you would otherwise be using condoms.
Why does it feel good?
Again, the exact mechanics of what feels good and why will vary depending on the biological equipment each individual is packing and their own tastes. But the short answer is: All kinds of bodies have nerve endings in strategic places that will get stimulated from this kind of play.
For people with penises and prostates the pleasure from being on the receiving end of penetrative sex takes place in the prostate, primarily. Often referred to as the P-spot or the male G-spot (though, to be clear, not everyone with a prostate is a male!), the prostate is the gland that produces some of the fluids in semen, as WebMD notes, and is surrounded by nerve endings that can be an awesome source of pleasure and even cause orgasms when it’s stimulated or massaged either through penetration or via stimulating the perineum (the area between the scrotum and the anus).
So pegging is a great opportunity to achieve that pleasure via penetration (usually with a toy, once the receiver is ready for one). But these folks might also benefit from the friction and thrust if they’re in a face-down position, so it can be an experience with tons of opportunities for stimulation. Strap-ons can also be used by people with penises who either don’t want to or can’t penetrate the way they’d like to with theirs (particularly for people dealing with cases of Erectile Dysfunction) or other organic penetration issues. Some are even cool for double penetration!
Meanwhile people with vulvas on the giving end (whether penetrating another partner with a vulva or penetrating any partner anally), the pleasure is all about the clitoral stimulation you get from grinding against the toy (not unlike dry-humping). Some also have vibrating functions, of which we’re obviously fans. People with vulvas receiving this kind of penetration probably doesn’t need explaining, but rest assured: It feels good for them too!
Particularly if you’re someone who was socialized as a cis-man and internalized the scripts about consistently being the giver of penetration and pleasure (or socialized as a cis-woman to believe you’re meant to only be the receiver), there’s an excitement and validation that comes with flipping these scripts and embracing wholly the kind of sex that feels right to you and your body with your partner. Which can be really cool, if not totally euphoric to experience! Mix that up with all the nerve endings being stimulated and you’re set up for a pretty fun time. Mix and match with any of your other various kinks and interests and you might be unlocking a whole new layer to the pleasure you and your partner(s) can have.
Though it might seem intimidating at the outset, pegging is just another of the many ways people can experience all the sexual and sensual pleasure their bodies have to offer. So if it’s caught your interest and your partner is on board, you shouldn’t be afraid to give it a try.
240 gay men were asked something very important. Something that affects every gay man. Something that’s so integral to our way of life it can impact relationships, change friendships and perhaps bring us closer to spiritual enlightenment. We asked: what makes a good bottom and what makes a good top?
We have the answer for you:
What tops think bottoms want
What gets a bottom off? We asked the tops what they think a bottom looks for.
“Respect your partner who is bottoming,” says Mark, 31. “Go at the pace they are comfortable with. Also make sure you lube up the area and yourself well so there isn’t unnecessary friction. Ensure your penis is hard before trying to penetrate.”
Jaspar, 28, has a few suggestions to the tops out there. “Use your full length but don’t go balls deep in your first thrust. Pace yourself and don’t be afraid to get off if you need to, and warm yourself up/calm yourself down. Your bottom might be annoyed by the break, but they’ll thank you in the long run. And good tops eat ass. Get over it.”
“It’s not a marathon or a race; it’s sex. So, go at a pace you find comfortable and that gives your partner pleasure,” advises Rhys, 22. “If your partner is responding well to what you are doing, keep doing it. Don’t be afraid however to change things up with speeds, motions and positions. If you feel like you’re going to cum and it’s too soon, it’s okay to slow down or even stop. You can take a break to pleasure your partner in other ways. And for the love of God don’t copy porn. Your dick is not a drill and shouldn’t be used like one (unless your partner asks for that).”
A final piece of advice from 25-year-old Ben: “Plenty of lube will help you just as much as it will the bottom.”
What bottoms actually want
So, what do bottoms actually require in a top?
“Listen to your bottom,” says Joe, 31. “If he’s telling you to do it harder, then do it. If he says “don’t stop”, then don’t you dare fucking stop. And it you’re biting the shit out of the back of his neck and he tells you to knock it off then you better fucking quit or he might bite your dick off.”
“Create an environment of intense relaxation,” says Jack, 22, “but also be clear about what you want – encouragement is better than a feeling that there’s no impetus to get to where you’re trying to be.”
Adam, 27, wants a bit of care and attention before he gets down to it. “Use lube, too many tops lately don’t think it’s needed. Or foreplay, they just want to stick it in. You better rim or finger me first. Go slow, use kissing, smiling, sounds, body contact as cues to reassure the bottom.”
And 36-year-old Alex agrees that lube is key: “There’s no such thing as too much lube, but god you know it if there not enough.”
What bottoms think tops want
What do bottoms think is expected of them? They all seem to arrive at a similar conclusion.
“Be clean as best you can. Don’t overdo it, it’s not good for your body. Also, accidents happen. It is the ass. It kinda has a purpose to it. Don’t worry about it. You will laugh later,” says Luke, 27.
“Douche like your life depends on it, and then douche some more. Most importantly, relax. It’s meant to be pleasurable, not a chore,” believes Gavin, 44.
“Always douche,” agrees Paul, 27.
James, 39, has similar advice, “Douche. Douche. Douche.”
While John, 32, was a little more emphatic: “Douche!”
What tops actually want
We also asked the tops from our survey what they seek when someone is bottoming.
“Don’t dive on my D too quick. It’s not a race,” says John, 28. “The number of times I’ve seen an over eager bottom get on too quick only to regret it immediately… and it’s really not a big deal if we make a mess. I take full responsibility for putting a foreign object in your butt hole.”
Mark, 31, wants you to breathe. “Try and relax, take it slow and remember to breathe. The more relaxed you are the easier it is to actually have sex. Also, don’t be afraid to take control, sometimes knowing what is going to happen when helps you to relax your mind.”
“Variety makes things more fun for both of you, in terms of both speed and position,” says Will, 22. “If you can try and be prepared both mentally and physically it’s much more enjoyable for both of you. Don’t be afraid to say that you’re not in the mood to bottom, but make this clear early on.
And 43-year-old Lee mention that old favourite: “Douche.”
Top and bottom stats:
We asked tops: Do you think there’s more pressure on the top or the bottom when it comes to ‘performance’?
71% said there’s more pressure on the top
16% said there is pressure on both
5% said the bottom
We asked you all: What’s your preferred sexual position?
10% said top
20% said top but can be versatile
18% said bottom
29% said bottom but can be versatile
21% said completely versatile
2% don’t have anal sex
We asked bottoms: Do you think there’s more pressure on the top or the bottom when it comes to ‘performance’?
40% said there’s more pressure on the top
16% said there is pressure on both
35% said the bottom
9% said neither
First time advice
We asked for your tips and advice for someone looking to try anal for the first time, whether it’s as a top or a bottom.
“Be open with your partner and talk about what each of you likes. Don’t just barge in. Take your time,” advises Mike, 37.
“If you’re the top, don’t be too eager or over-excited. You can end up rushing in and causing pain. Communication is key, check in with your partner throughout but especially on initial penetration. Make sure they are comfortable before increasing speed or force,” says Jake, 35. “If you’re the bottom: Breathe. Relax. Take deep breaths when he first enters you. If it hurts on initial penetration, get him to take it out again and wait for 20 seconds while you breathe and then try again. Your sphincter will get over the initial shock and relax more. Don’t be afraid to tell him to stop, or slow down.”
Tom, 31, thinks relaxation is key. “Don’t stress out too much. Find a person and a place that you’re comfortable with and get exploring. Don’t expect too much from your first time.”
Anal isn’t for everybody
Of course, fucking isn’t the be all and end all. Some people just don’t like it or are scared to try.
“I find it very uncomfortable I just don’t enjoy it at all. And I’ve tried too!” says Jules, 44.
“It’s just a bloody pain in the arse. All that douching and then making sure you don’t eat so that there’s no mess,” thinks Suraj, 24.
“I haven’t had much experience and so it has become daunting to try,” explains Paul, 32.
Maybe you love anal sex, maybe you hate it, but whatever you do, communicate with your partner, make sure that it’s right for you and you choose the safer sex strategy that’s right for you – whether that’s condoms, PrEP, regular sexual health tests or if you’re HIV-positive and on treatment. Most importantly, it should be fun.
The douching mini-guide:
Use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature.
Do not use antiseptics, disinfectants or anything else in a douche, as they can all irritate the lining of the arse.
A small bulb douche is recommended.
If you are using a shower hose remember there’s variable water pressure and heat coming out of the shower and that you will not always be able to control the amount of water.
Make sure you expel all the water out of you before sex.
Douching can irritate the lining of the arse and may make it easier to be damaged during sex. This can increase the likelihood of HIV and STIs.
I feel like I have a basic familiarity with sexual landscapes across the board but honestly, the prostate is kind of a mystery to me. I don’t have one and since I only had sex with people with vaginas for like ten years, I apparently missed some important innovations in the seminal sciences. I was today years old when I learned about prostate milking. But I am nothing if not DTF (down to find out, pervs) so I asked a urologist to help me investigate the latest vegan nut milk craze.
First of all, if you haven’t heard the term “prostate milking,” before that’s because it is a new colloquialism. What it refers to is prostate massage, though, which is not new at all. “I’m gay and I talk to a lot of my friends about sex,” Joshua Gonzalez, an LA-based urologist and sex educator for Astroglide, tells me. “Prostate stimulation amongst gay men is fairly common,” Gonzalez explained, but even he hadn’t heard it referred to as “milking,” which made me feel a lot better. If a gay dick doctor hasn’t heard the term, then it was probably invented by dude-bros and is therefore kinda sus.
Basically, what people are calling prostate milking is actually just prostate massage vigorous enough to get the prostate to secrete fluid, Gonzalez explains. Yes, in case you didn’t know, the prostate — a gland which is located just below the rectum but above the bladder of penis-havers — does make a kind of fluid. It’s definitely not milk, but it is a whitish liquid that is sort of the perfect base to carry sperm in because it’s rich with enzymes. Prostatic fluid — a.k.a. milk — makes up 20-30% of ejaculate, which is also comprised of semen and testicular fluid. In other words, prostatic fluid is not what we generally refer to as cum, but it is one of the main ingredients of cum.
Here’s the thing: It’s apparently kind of hard to get the prostate to secrete its fluid, which is why a lot of people refer to the orgasms produced by prostate milking as “dry orgasms.” But just because the name is kind of off, that doesn’t mean that the orgasms made by stimulating the prostate aren’t bangers. “Orgasm doesn’t necessarily have to do with fluid,” says Gonzalez, “it’s not that different from clitoral or vaginal orgasms.” In other words, if you have a vagina, you already know that you don’t have to squirt to have a good time, and neither do dicks. IYKYK.
So, then, should I be out here milking prostates or what? Gonzalez didn’t offer an opinion on my personal sex practices, but he does say that prostate stimulation is pretty great. “Direct prostate stimulation can be pleasurable,” says Gonzalez. But, he adds, it’s helpful to know where the prostate is before you go sticking your finger up your ass (or someone else’s). “For most people it’s not as deep into the rectum as their index finger.”
Like the clit, you will know the prostate when you find it, Gonzalez says. Some people call the prostate the P-spot because it’s kinda like the penis-haver’s G-spot. Gonzalez has some pro tips for this kind of anal adventure. “A lot of people will just sort of stick their finger in,” he says. But if you look at any prostate-specific toys, you will notice that they’re curved. That’s because you access through the rectum, but it’s actually more towards the front of the body, so you have to curve your finger and press forward to get at it.
So, if you’re milking yourself and you are laying on your back, press towards your belly button, says Gonzalez. If you’re on all fours and someone else is stimulating you, press down towards the belly button. Basically, no matter who’s milking who, press towards the navel to find the prostate. He recommends using a lot of lube and says that if anything feels painful, it’s time to stop.
Also, in case you’re scared that having your prostate stimulated will make you poop: It won’t. “If you don’t have any poop in the rectum, you won’t poop,” he explains. But, Gonzalez adds that having your rectum stimulated can make you feel like you are going to poop. If that happens, Gonzalez says to relax. In prostate milking as in life, clenching will make the whole project a lot less fun for everyone.
I remember a Tumblr post that changed my view of vaginas forever, as Tumblr posts are wont to do when you’re 16 years old and on the family computer late at night. The user was analysing the semantics of how we talk about sex. Why, they wanted to know, is sex always considered to be a penis penetrating a vagina? Why are penises always dominant but vaginas always submissive? What if we flip the narrative? What if the vagina envelops or engulfs the phallus? What if the penis is the submissive one of the pair?
This heteronormative example can be easily applied to queer relationships, too. The one who receives is the ‘bottom’, the one who gives is the ‘top’. The language lends itself to the stereotypes that the former is the submissive and the latter is the dominant. Indeed, the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ are often used interchangeably with the labels ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ – but is this always true? And is it a fair assumption?
In 2018 an Autostraddle survey discovered that 47.4% of lesbian bottoms prefer not to be actively ‘in control’ during intercourse and only 41% of bottoms identified themselves as kinky.
Nate, a trans man who identifies as a switch, contributed to the survey with an important clarification: “Bottoming definitely doesn’t automatically mean anything kinky (same for topping), while submissive (and dominant) mean something more specifically related to kink and power play.”
I think what tops do – give rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive than bottoming.
Bethan, 26
Fran, 25, a submissive queer woman from London, believes this distinction is incredibly important not just for shagging purposes but also on a queer liberation front. “Top and bottom are umbrella terms for giving and receiving,” she tells me. “But I feel these terms stem from attempts of fitting WLW (women-loving-women) relationships into a heteronormative stereotype. I strongly oppose this so I prefer to call myself submissive instead of a bottom.”
Once again the stereotype is that receiving is a traditionally female act in heterosexual relationships and, in turn, being the ‘woman’ of the relationship is an inherently submissive role. This conflation stinks of sexism of a bygone era where woman is seen as lesser than man and so to receive is to be weaker, too.
Lucy Rowett, a UK clinical sexologist working with sexual wellness brand Pleasy Play, asks us to reconsider the act of bottoming and submissiveness in general as a rebellion against outdated gender roles. “Remember that if you are in a lesbian relationship or you are a queer woman, you are already defying gender roles and expectations. What if you could embrace being a bottom as another form of defiance against this and being true to yourself?” she enthuses.
“Regardless of sexuality or gender, of whether kink such as BDSM is involved, the more bottoms or submissives you speak to, you’ll find a commonality: they share a feeling of freedom,” she adds.
In short, she says, by embracing acts that only bring us pleasure, that bring us freedom, we can find a subversive kind of liberation and power in being a submissive or a bottom.
However it isn’t always true that a woman is the ‘receiver’ in a heteronormative relationship. It is possible for two cis straight or bisexual people to be in a relationship where the man prefers to receive and the woman prefers to give (see: pegging).
So what to do? The problem with dismissing these labels as ‘heterosexual’ reminds me of the 1970s lesbian feminists who rallied against ‘butch’ and ‘femme’ monickers, arguing that they mimicked straight relationship roles. That’s a discourse that remains controversial today but is an outdated way of looking at queerness. The identities of femme and butch remain important to our community, our history and our identities. Dismissing the labels ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ from queer language altogether feels, to me, like a repetition of these past mistakes.
“I think the act of giving is more submissive,” says 26-year-old Bethan, a submissive bisexual based in London. “What tops do – give, rather than receive – can definitely be more submissive… Like if a woman is sitting on your face and using you for her pleasure, that feels like a dominant act.”
Again, the language we use to describe our sexual gratification plays an important role. Does a bottom ‘receive’ or do they ‘take’? To push this idea further, the submissive in a kink relationship has the ultimate power over the sexual play taking place. They are the one setting boundaries, expressing what they want and having a safe word. When all is said and done, they are the decision-maker in the bedroom. The fun comes from pretending that they are not in charge at all.
You’ll find this idea in the pop culture that is developing around pegging, too. Pegging memes suggest that there are a lot more men who adore penetration than our limited secondary school sex education allowed us to imagine. Traditionally, there has been a lot of stigma surrounding pegging too. The same problem that lesbians describe with the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ dynamic is repeated here: assuming that being penetrated equals submission implies that taking on the ‘female’ role is automatically a submissive act. This not only couches submissiveness as a negative but implies that being female is a negative, too. The reality is that submission and being a woman do not necessarily go hand in hand; otherwise, as Fran puts it, “you would never see female doms.”
Jessica*, a 28-year-old submissive woman from Manchester who also likes to don strap-ons, explains that pegging does not have to be a part of power play at all. “I have always been submissive in bed, to the point where being dominant makes me feel extremely uncomfortable,” she tells me. “That said, I really loved pegging my ex-boyfriend – who was also my dom – and it didn’t take away from my submissiveness at all.”
“As our relationship dynamic was already firmly set, it felt natural and even submissive in a certain sense to be the one giving him pleasure in such an intimate way,” she continues. “Although many people who want to be pegged may be submissive, I think it is important to recognise that it is possible to peg without giving up those subby feelings.”
Ness Cooper, a sexologist who works as a sex and relationship coach at The Sex Consultant, confirms that decisions about who tops, who bottoms, who doms and who subs can only be made by those within the relationship. “If you’re both into power play consensually then sure, use the terms ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ freely if you prefer them to ‘dom’ and ‘sub’,” she says.
Ness continues to highlight the importance of looking within your relationship and deciding what works for you. “Remember we are influenced greatly by what we see and read outside in the world when it comes to sexuality,” she continues, “but taking time to learn about yourself can be helpful as no one else knows fully about your world when it comes to how you see sexuality and sex.”
What’s more, the only people who need to know how you describe your sexuality and how you interact with sex are the ones you are being intimate with. A label is far from a cause to force yourself into participating in a dynamic you might not be enjoying or even comfortable with. As long as the sex you’re having is consensual and pleasurable, titles can mean whatever you want them to mean.
As Jessica and Ness lay out, the dynamic between a couple – be that top and bottom, dom and sub or any other kind of role you like to take on – is as unique as the relationship. Lumping labels together only diminishes the highly personal nature of each connection and can lead to invalidating those who don’t fit in with strict definitions of sex and kink roles.
*Name changed to protect identity Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Because when it comes to any kind of butt play, lube is non-negotiable.
By Gabrielle Kotkov
Rich in sensitive nerve endings, the butt can give you some seriously mind-blowing orgasms. (Yes, anal orgasms are a thing). What the butt can not do, however, is self-lubricate (like the vagina). And that means, unless you add lubricant, any anal play is going to be…dry.
“The sensation of skin-on-skin creates a lot of friction that can be really irritating and painful,” says certified sex educator Alicia Sinclair, CEO of b-Vibe, an anal play product company. “Lube is what makes the entire anal experience pleasurable,” she says.
Wondering, “What about saliva”? Let’s be very clear: Saliva is not lube! “It dries up reallllly quickly,” says Sinclair. And it contains bacteria that could disrupt the pH of your vagina and/or rectum. Yikes.
Beyond making anal play pleasurable, lube is also what makes it safer! The tissue lining the anal canal is super thin and delicate, which makes it susceptible to microtears if it’s not well-lubricated, explains Evan Goldstein, D.O., CEO and founder of Bespoke Surgical, a sexual-wellness company specializing in anal-related health. And not only can those tiny tears be painful (duh), they also increase the risk of STI transmission if your partner has one, he says.
Convinced you need to buy lube for anal sex or other anal play activities? Scroll down for 13 of the best anal lubes, according to sex educators. (And while you’re adding things to your shopping cart, go ahead and throw one of these anal sex toys in, as well).
pJur Back Door
Anal play enthusiasts to the front! If you’re getting down with a penis, fingers, or fist, this silicone-based lube belongs on your Anal Sex Alter (right next to the nJoy Pure Plug that is). “It’s super thick, without being greasy or sticky,” says Sofiya Alexandra, co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a podcast exploring love and sexuality around the world. It also contains jojoba, which has ~anti-inflammatory properties~ that are good for the bumhole skin, she says.
pJur AQUA
If silicone toys (think: butt plugs and anal beads) are part of your anal play, Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, Womanizer sexpert and the author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life, recommends investing in this water-based option from pJur instead. “Silicone can degrade silicone toys, so if you’re using silicone toys, you need to stick with a high-quality water-based lube, like pjur AQUA,” says Engle. (See more: What Are Anal Beads And How Do You Use Them?)
It has a moderately thick consistency without being tacky—a very good thing because “you don’t want your lube to wind up like hair gel when you’re trying to have yourself a good ‘ole time,” she says.
Nutiva Coconut Oil
Important reminder: Oil-based lubes degrade the integrity of latex condoms, which makes them less effective at protecting against STI transmission (and in the case of vaginal intercourse, pregnancy). But for folks who aren’t using latex condoms, coconut oil is an anal sex all-star. (See More: Is It OK to Use Coconut Oil During Vaginal Sex?)
“It’s way longer lasting than water-based lubes, which means fewer reapplication interruptions,” says Sinclair. “And it’s compatible with all silicone butt plugs, anal beads, or prostate massagers,” she explains.
The Butters
Rich, creamy, and long-lasting, it doesn’t get more luxurious than The Butters Lube. “It’s the consistency of a thick lotion and far less messy than many other lubes,” says Jamie LeClaire, a sexologist who specializes in sexuality, gender, and identity.
When you get the product you’ll notice that in the jar it looks a bit like hair gel, but fear not. “When you take a dollop of the creamy goodness and rub it between your fingers, it turns into a luxurious oil lather that really easily distributes wherever you want it,” they say.
While it’s not compatible with latex condoms, LeClaire says “I love it so much that I think it’s worth investing in non-latex condoms so that I can use this particular lube for anal play.” Quite the endorsement! (If you’re looking for a non-latex condom that protects against STIs and pregnancy, check out polyurethane condoms like the Trojans Bare-Skin Non-Latex condoms).
UberLube
Dr.Goldstein recommends Uberlube for anyone having anal sex with a penis, fingers, or non-silicone toy. “The silicone in UberLube is well-sourced and the company puts a lot of thought into their product.” Need proof? Just look at the bottle! Pretty damn classy for a lube, wouldn’t you say?
Because Uberlube comes in travel sizes, it’s a great option to bring on the road. And, he adds, “unlike some silicone-based lubes which are a pain to get off sheets, Uberlube doesn’t stain and is super easy to wipe off when playtime is done.” (Speaking of travel: These are the best vibrators to take with you wherever you go.)
Good Clean Love Almost Naked
Only stock your cabinets and “fun” drawer with organic and all-natural products? Good Clean Love Almost Naked will fit right in. “This all-natural water-based lube isn’t made specifically for anal, but it’s definitely up for the challenge of a backdoor adventure,” says Courtney Kocak, the other co-host of Private Parts Unknown. “It’s silky without being greasy, and easy-peasy to clean-up.”
Sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., with The Sex Toy Collective also stans this lube, adding that the aloe can help moisturize your anus, helping to protect it against microtears.
Boy Butter
Don’t let the name turn you off—you can enjoy and use Boy Butter no matter your identifying gender. “It’s one of my favorites on the market right now because it’s extra thick and creamy and stays in place during anal,” says sexpert Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW) a private members club for the sexually adventurous. It’s made of a blend of silicone and coconut oil, so you get the best of both worlds—just note that, since it’s oil-based, it’s not safe for use with latex condoms.
Saynt especially recommends this anal lube for use in showers. “Because of its staying power, it doesn’t immediately come off under the stream of water, so the receiver can fully enjoy the experience,” he says. Just be careful because when it does wash off, the floor can get a little slippery. (Related: How to Have Shower Sex That’s Actually Amazing)
Sliquid Organics Gel
Unlike some water-based lubes which are runny, Sliquid Organics’ water-based gel is thick AF. Since it’s gel-like, “it won’t dry up as quickly as other lubricants,” says Rebecca Alvarez Story, M.A., sexologist and founder of intimate care marketplace Bloomi. Of course, if you plan on going at it for a long time, re-apply the moment it starts to feel a little more “ouch” than “ooh.”
b-Vibe Lube Applicator
This isn’t lube, but it is a nifty way to apply lube to the (ahem) desired area. “When you apply lube to whatever is going to go inside the anal canal (a penis, dildo, butt plug), as it enters the canal, the anal sphincter can cause a squeegee effect,” explains Sinclair. Meaning, rather than the lube actually getting into the ~hole in question~, most of it ends up on the outside of the bum.
“Lube applicators allow you to easily lube up the interior anal canal,” she says. Just insert your lube-of-choice into the applicator, use your finger to apply some lube to the applicator, and whammo-bammo, you’re set!
Let’s be real. Even for those of us who have a generally open-minded, been-there-done-that attitude about sex, the thought of anal sex can still seem a little scary if you’ve gone there. For one reason or another, anal is usually the final frontier sexually — and there can be a whole lot of buildup.
But our greatest fears often lie in anticipation, and once you give anal a go, you might just find that you’ve been missing out on something that can actually be really hot and satisfying. We checked in with some experts and asked them to take the mystery out of anal sex, and they schooled us on some positions that can help ease you into your first time to actually make it an enjoyable experience.
Arm yourself with these tips and a lot of lube, and you’re on your way to one kick-ass time.
Cowgirl (or cowboy)
In the traditional cowgirl position, your partner lies down while you mount on top — yeehaw! As the partner on top, you can ease into anal penetration by moving up or down as needed. Pro tip: Make sure your bottom partner does not begin to thrust until you’re good and ready.
Certified Master Sex Expert and Educator, Sex Coach and “So Tight” Sensual Fitness Personal Trainer Nikki Ransom endorses the cowgirl position for anal newbies. She explains, “This position will allow you to control the pace and depth that his penis goes inside of you. Remember to go at an easy pace and stay relaxed. It helps to have had an orgasm already and be highly aroused.”
Jessica O’Reilly (a.k.a. Dr. Jess, Ph.D.), author, international speaker and PlayboyTV’s sexologist, offers an alternative to the cowgirl in her book The New Sex Bible, “If she doesn’t like the sensation of deep penetration, but he desires more stimulation against the base of his shaft, she can reach backwards with a warm, wet hand to grasp the lower half of his shaft. Her hand becomes an extension of her butt while providing a physical buffer to ensure only shallow penetration.”
Doggy style
This position is most often associated with anal because it has major advantages. As the partner on the bottom, you can stay loose as you control penetration to increase pleasure. Getting busy on all fours may be your best bet if you have attempted and found anal painful in the past.
Patricia Johnson and Mark Michaels, co-authors of Designer Relationships, Partners in Passion, Great Sex Made Simple, Tantra for Erotic Empowerment and The Essence of Tantric Sexuality, recommend doggy style for first-timers and those who may have had an unpleasant experience before. The couple says, “Anal sex should never be painful. Always use plenty of lube and proceed slowly and gently.” Ransom adds, “Rub and stimulate your clitoris too to make it even more pleasurable.”
In The New Sex Bible, Dr. Jess has a different take on doggy-style anal sex. She recommends the modified doggy to give the receptive partner more control, support intimacy and provide the opportunity for double penetration. Dr. Jess explains, “She assumes a kneeling position with her butt cheeks on her heels and her knees spread wide open. She places her hands on her knees or the bed for support. He assumes the same position behind her and adjusts his height so that the head of his [penis] rests below her bum. He remains static as she lowers herself onto his head and takes a few deep breaths before sliding farther down his shaft. She drives her butt and hips up and down at her own pace as he reaches around to fondle her breasts or rub her clitoris.”
Face to face
This position is preferred if you are looking for extra intimacy during the act. Start with your partner sitting as you mount his lap, face-to-face. Once again — as the partner on top, you can control depth of penetration to stay comfy. Face-to-face anal has the added bonus of extra stimulation for a woman: breasts, clitoris, go crazy!
Johnson and Michaels love face-to-face anal for the toe-tingling intimacy it provides. They confirm, “This position facilitates using eye contact and breath to build even more arousal.”
Dr. Jess agrees. She says, “I like this position as it allows the ‘mounter’ to exercise a good amount of control of the depth and rhythm of penetration. Wear a vibrating c*** ring for this one to provide extra pleasurable sensations as the top partner grinds against his shaft.”
Good old missionary with a twist
When it comes to anal, missionary will never steer you wrong. Approach this favorite vanilla sex position with a backdoor twist: In the missionary position, place your legs on his shoulders. With the right amount of lube and relaxation, even initial penetration should be pleasurable.
Missionary is easy-peasy for most maiden voyages, but Johnson and Michaels caution that this anal move may not work for everyone, “Some people may not be sufficiently flexible for this position.” For those who are flexible and looking to try new things, Dr. Jess explains her take on missionary, “Better yet, place the soles of your feet against his shoulders so that you can push back and release according to your preferences.”
On the stomach
Anal on the stomach is comfortable and easy, with the right prep work beforehand. First-timers can relax and make penetration enjoyable by lying on top of a pillow placed under the stomach. For women, this elevates the backside nicely and still gives enough room to stimulate other body parts.
Johnson and Michaels recommend incorporating sex toys into the act to keep things interesting, “This is a great position for stimulating your own clitoris or using a vibrator.”
Because of the opportunity for sex toy play, Dr. Jess adds that on-the-stomach anal can be especially favorable to the ladies. She says, “This is one of the best anal sex positions for women (as the receptive partner), as she can reach down to stimulate her pubic mound and clitoral shaft with her hand or a flat vibrator (try the We-Vibe Touch). The dual stimulation helps to increase arousal, which heightens relaxation to create a cascade of orgasmic sensations.”
Spooning, with a twist
We are all familiar with spooning for some great side-by-side action. Spooning is also a top choice for anal since both partners are more likely to be relaxed. As the “little spoon,” you can make penetration easier by curling up and pulling your upper legs slightly toward your upper body. And while you’re at it, here’s a naughty little secret to double your pleasure — use a vibrator to get to the finish line.
According to Dr. Jess, spooning is the perfect first-time anal position for lovers. Johnson and Michaels add a helpful tip from their own bedroom experience, “You can give your partner a better view of the action by holding your upper leg just below the knee and opening up.”
Ransom also believes that spooning is ideal for a pleasurable beginner anal experience. “This is a great position to stay relaxed in. It also allows for clitoral stimulation and vaginal stimulation for a trigasm.” She advises, “Stay relaxed — your partner should enter you an inch at a time. Then, allow your anus to become accustomed and relax around his penis. Then [he can] enter you another inch and another, and continue until he is all the way in. Be sure to have plenty of lubrication with any anal penetration.”
People born with a penis are also born with a prostate — a walnut-shaped gland wrapped around the urethral canal. It’s often compared to the G-spot, because the prostate’s location is in a similar location inside the body and both can feel amazing when stimulated. People of all sexual orientations love prostate play, which makes sense, because it can lead to intense pleasure and orgasms.
Massaging the prostate to orgasm is sometimes called “prostate milking.” People with prostates can do this alone or with a partner, using either fingers or a sex toy. Prostate milking “provides a full-body orgasm, versus a penile orgasm, which is strictly genital-based,” We-Vibe’s sex expert, Dr. Chris Donaghue, tells Refinery29.
There are many reasons why someone might try prostate milking. “Exploring prostate stimulation has psychological, biological, and sexual health benefits,” Dr. Donaghue says. “When the anal area is shunned, it becomes constricted and tense, and avoidance of this area leads to shutting down other connected areas in the pelvis, which creates sexual issues with erections and ejaculation.”
That’s right: prostate milking can lead to stronger erections and orgasms. There are also many other sexual health benefits. “Prostate milking helps flush out the prostate, increases blood flow to the pelvic area, and strengthens pelvic floor muscles,” Dr. Donaghue says.
But most people who love prostate milking do so simply because of how it feels. “The biggest reason for exploring the prostate is to unlock higher arousal and levels of pleasure,” Dr. Donaghue says. “The prostate is a man’s most direct access point to explosive orgasms — orgasms that are longer, hotter, and can lead to the ability to have multiple orgasms.”
Megwyn White, Somatic Sensuality Guide and Director of Education at Satisfyer, adds that prostate milking has additional health benefits. Along with enhancing sexual pleasure and orgasms, it can “release blockages and improve flow of urine” and “be an effective treatment for prostatitis,” a condition in which the prostate gland is inflamed, causing difficult or painful urination, groin pain, and sometimes flu-like symptoms. Prostate milking “helps free the prostate of what’s called ‘expressed prostatic secretion,’” she explains. “This action leads to a prostatic secretion getting released from the prostate, and also has the potential to stimulate profoundly intense orgasms, and ultimately act as an overall reset to the sexual arousal cycle.”
If prostate milking sounds intriguing and you’d like to try it, start slowly and use lube. White says it’s important to relax before beginning: “Think about the practice of prostate milking as an incredible way to take you into a deeply surrendered state so remember to try not to over control your experience.”
You can try different positions to see what works best, such as squatting or lying on the back with knees bent. Dr. Donaghue says, “I always recommend getting used to having the anal area touched first by massaging externally in the shower or during masturbation, and then later practicing putting your finger internally. The prostate best responds to gentle pressure.” If there’s any pain or discomfort, stop and check in with your healthcare practitioner, because this could be a sign of an underlying health issue.
Both Dr. Donaghue and White mentioned it may be easier to use a sex toy than a finger, especially if you’re going solo. Dr. Donaghue recommends the Vector by We-Vibe, while White suggests the Satisfyer Beads. And while prostate milking can make masturbation feel even better, it can also be a lot of fun to try with a partner — who might combine prostate stimulation with oral sex or a hand job. The possibilities are endless.
Can pegging make your partner a better lover? Some people, including experts in the sex and relationships field, certainly think so.
“When I have sex with cisgender men, the ones who receive anal penetration are much better lovers than those who haven’t,” says kink-friendly sex therapist Liz Powell. Well, if that’s not enough motivation to explore this misunderstood and even controversial activity, I don’t know what is.
Of course, the decision to try pegging with a strap on is completely up to the individuals involved, and many folks are wonderful sexual partners regardless of whether they’re interested in this form of sexual exploration. But what is pegging, why is it so hot for some of us, and what supplies and knowledge are needed to try it safely? Allure spoke with Powell and a professional dominatrix to learn all you need to know.
First of all, what is pegging?
Traditionally, pegging refers to a cisgender, heterosexual male receiving anal penetration from his cishet female partner with a strap-on dildo — and, actually, it’s a word surrounded by a bit of controversy.
As our understanding of gender and orientation expands, some folks ask, why not just call this anal sex, strap-on sex, or just sex? Why do cishet guys need their own word for anal penetration when the rest of us have been enjoying it as is? Powell understands this line of thinking, but they also say that giving an activity its own word, be it fisting, squirting, or pegging, can help us talk and think about what we’re doing.
“Having a term for pegging can, in some ways, be helpful,” Powell explains. “A lot of cis straight men are interested in pegging because when they find out that there’s a term and that it’s common they feel a lot more OK about wanting that.” Talking about pegging specifically can help normalize it and debunk outdated thinking about cishet men and prostate pleasure.
“Could we just call it sex? Sure, but there are lots of things we could just call sex,” says Powell. “Having more terms doesn’t necessarily make it worse; I think that pegging is more stigmatized because it is about a cis straight dude. A lot of people are still really uncomfortable with men receiving penetration.”
Why are so many people turned on by pegging?
Everyone’s butthole is lined with erogenous nerve endings, which is why people of all orientations, genders, and bodies can enjoy anal sex. And having a prostate is a fun bonus.
“A lot of prostate owners don’t get to stimulate their prostate, and that’s a whole other orgasm available to you. You’re opening yourself up to other avenues of pleasure,” says New York City dominatrix Domina Katarina. The prostate, or P-spot, is roughly three to four inches inside the rectum, about an inch in diameter. The person with a prostate can usually let you know when you’ve found it as they’ll start to feel sensations reminiscent of an orgasm.
Outside of the physical pleasure of prostate and anal stimulation, both partners, commonly referred to as the bottom (receptive partner) and the top (penetrating partner), may enjoy the “taboo” of a role reversal, if receiving penetration is new for the partner with a prostate or penetrating someone is new for the top. “The power dynamics are amazing,” Domina Katarina says. “Especially as a woman who is typically seen as submissive, it really does put you in a different position. You get a rush, like, yeah, I have this control.”
While some simply want to be penetrated for the prostate stimulation, for other straight couples, they may get off on the role reversal. Submissive cishet men may enjoy the erotic power exchange that occurs when their partners become the ones with the dicks. “I get why dick owners walk around like they’re the shit,” Domina Katarina says of the place of power she entered through her experience pegging.
Pegging can also (but doesn’t have to) be a part of BDSM dynamics. All BDSM involves consensual power exchange, and for some cishet men — who, in our patriarchal society, still tend to harbor the most power — submitting to a woman or other person of a marginalized gender gets them off.
Pegging also requires immense trust; being penetrated anally with a strap-on dildo by a pro-domme or dominant partner allows cishet men to not only receive anal pleasure but become vulnerable and submissive, which is a common sexual desire.
What products and techniques should I use?
Safe pegging requires taking the same time and care you’d use during any anal penetration. Before you work your way up to a dildo and harness, begin by inserting a finger, and then two, with plenty of lube. Because pegging usually means using a strap-on dildo (which is commonly made with silicone), you want a water-based lube. Silicone lubes can cause silicone toys to deteriorate. Sliquid H20 is an excellent choice, because it’s safe to use with silicone toys and is flavorless and scentless.
After you’ve warmed up with fingers, feel free to add a butt plug to help prepare the area. The Snug Plug from B-Vibe, a weighted, smooth butt plug available in a variety of sizes and shapes, is excellent for anal sex warm up. It has a nice flared base that keeps it in place. For pegging, you can have the partner with a prostate wear a butt plug for a bit while you fool around or tease them.
When you’re ready to peg, you will need a strap-on dildo and harness. If you can, buy your first harness in real life rather than online so you can try it on. Some harnesses are strappy leather and sexy as hell, such as the Minx Harness from Aslan Leather. Others are more practical, such as the TomBoii Boxer Briefs, which are ultra comfy and can hold a dildo in place like no one’s business. Go with whatever works for you and your partner’s desires.
So, what about the actual dildo? “For pegging, the really good dildos are the ones that are narrow in diameter that are fairly long,” Powell tells Allure. It can be helpful to go shopping with your partner so you know what you both want. Some people prefer realistic dildos and others want something bright and colorful. No matter what, start small.
Other than making sure all partners are aware of how to physically prepare, remember that there is a major emotional component to the sex act, especially if it’s someone’s first time. Make sure to communicate beforehand about both of your desires, expectations, and fears. “When it comes to pegging, even though that dildo is not part of your anatomy, you are still inserting a part of yourself in someone else, and that’s extremely intimate. There’s a great responsibility, because you are entering them,” Domina Katarina says.
Start slow and use plenty of lube, checking in with your partner throughout the experience. “Don’t think you’re going to be like thrusting and whipping a lasso around your head,” she says. “It has to go nice and slow and easy or else you could do physical damage, and you could do emotional damage. It’s a really awesome way to connect differently with your partner.”
As Powell touched upon earlier, for people with prostates, experiencing penetration can be a much better way to understand a partner with a vagina and vice versa. “Especially for cishet guys, receiving anal penetration is a really important thing to do, because it helps you receive what your partner is receiving. Receiving penetration and penetrating are completely different experiences, in terms of vulnerability and in terms of physical risk,” they say. “If you’ve received penetration, you tend to approach receiving penetration very differently.” And apparently become better in bed.
You’ll find no shortage of explanatory pieces on the Internet when it comes to butt stuff. There are so many ways to explore the butt. Some people use fingers, while others prefer dildos or butt plugs. And, of course, people enjoy a mix of things. Yet in all of this ongoing hoopla, we’ve forgotten a key player: anal beads.
Anal beads are the unsung hero of butt play. They are freakin’ amazing, and yet when asked about butt play from readers, I never get questions about anal beads.
Butt plugs and anal beads are two different toys, although they both go in the anus. “Anal beads provide stimulation through movement, while a butt plug offers internal ‘fullness’ or pressure,” explains Alicia Sinclair, a certified sex educator and CEO of the butt-centric company b-Vibe. “Unlike a butt plug, which is often used in preparation for penetrative anal sex, and is only meant to go in and stay [in place], anal beads were designed to stimulate inside the body and specifically to move in an out of the bum.”
There is no reason to feel embarrassed about wanting to explore butt stuff. Will there be some poop? Possibly, but if you clean up thoroughly, you’ll be just fine. You might come in contact with some fecal matter, but this simply goes with the territory. The sooner we move on from that, the sooner we can delight in the butt fully. I love butt play of any kind because it is an equalizing sex act that everyone can enjoy, regardless of gender. Everyone, after all, has an anus.
“Playing with products like anal beads allows you to really create equality in the bedroom and experience pleasure for the sake of pleasure, rather than tying it to identity in any way,” Sinclair adds.
The anus is a huge area of pleasurable possibility. You don’t need to put anything all the way inside of the butt to enjoy it. The anal opening is clustered with nerves, making any play with toys very enjoyable.
“As the beads are removed, they arouse the sensitive nerve endings of the sphincter muscle,” Sinclair says. “This stimulation creates a series of pleasurable sensations, like having a muscle massaged. The beads can be removed at varying speeds, depending on the desired effect, and can amplify the intensity of orgasm or even initiate for some. A great element is that using anal beads can be a hands-free path to stimulation, which means you can use your hands for other important erotic matters.”
Sign me up, please. Here is what you need to know about anal beads and all their multidimensional wonders.
Anal beads can be for newbies.
If you’re unsure if you’re ready for le beads de anal, Sinclair assures me that anal beads are totally fine for butt play beginners. While your forays ought to begin with a well-lubed finger or two, she assures SELF that there are “anal beads available in sizes for folks at all entry levels.”
Where to begin as a newbie when you’re looking for that perfect fit? Sinclair says that if you’re a beginner, it’s best to choose beads with “graduated sizes.” Meaning, ones that start small on the string and grow in size as you move up. “This allows the user to start with the smallest beads and then works towards the larger beads as they become comfortable with the sensation,” she says.
You should start with anal beads that come with three to four beads. You don’t need some long, snaking set of 15 balls when you’re starting out—that could be a little intimidating. “Make sure there is a good-sized flared base or circular handle at the end of the beads, otherwise there the beads may get lost inside the body,” Sinclair adds. Yikes. No one needs a trip to the ER, amiright? The rectum is not a closed area like the vagina; once something goes up the butt and disappears, it probably won’t be coming back on its own.
Stick to medical grade or body-safe silicone.
Materials for anal beads, like all sex toys, vary widely depending on where you buy them. Simply put: Do not buy cheap, crappy sex toys. If you buy beads made of jelly or non-ABS plastic (the only non-porous grade of plastic) then you risk leaving bacteria behind. These materials can never be fully disinfected. Yes, this is exactly what it sounds like: Your anal beads will have lingering poop on them.
“Silicone is my go-to material of choice,” Sinclair tells SELF. “It’s body-safe, non-porous, and all you need is mild soap and warm water to clean.”
Vibrating anal beads can be a super-fun way to ease yourself into playing with this new toy. “It promotes relaxation and can amplify the pleasurable sensations,” she says. “At b-Vibe, we specialize in vibrating anal beads and playing with different points and patterns of vibration.” (If vibration isn’t your thing, there are plenty of body-safe silicone anal beads that don’t vibrate. It’s all about preference.)
If you’re truly not sure what sensation you want to feel, start with a basic set of three to four non-vibrating beads and see how you feel about them. If you’d like to experiment with bigger beads, vibration, or a larger number of beads, go from there. There are so many different kinds to choose from.
Grab some lube.
You can use anal beads alone or with a partner. It can be easier to give toys a try alone for the first time to avoid awkwardness or nerves, but this is completely up to you.
Be sure you have a ton of lube on hand. Avoid silicone-based lubes with silicone toys; in other words, stick to water-based lube. I recommend Sustain Natural for all play, including anal. If you are more of an oil-based lover, I’m obsessed with CocoLube. Oil-based lubes are great for anal play because they are super slippery and don’t need to be applied as often as water-based options.
If you are sharing butt toys, be sure you are thoroughly cleansing them before using them with a different partner. Otherwise, you risk transferring bacteria or STIs.
Relax and breathe before insertion. You can lie either on your back or side, whichever is most comfortable for you. I suggest starting on your side if this is your first time. You don’t want your butt hole to be tensed up. Put the beads in one at a time, checking in with yourself and your partner along the way.
“Once they are inside, you’ll feel ‘fullness’ and receive pleasure as they move inside you,” Sinclair says. “You can stop wherever—there’s no pressure at all to go the full length of the beads. You can then leave them in during partner play or pull them out at varying speeds, depending on the desired effect.”
Sinclair suggests leaving the beads in during intercourse, slowly removing them one by one when you’re nearing climax for “toe-curling orgasms.”
Clean your anal beads immediately.
After you’re finished getting busy, wash your anal beads right away. You don’t want to leave lingering bacteria on your toys. Use a mild antibacterial soap and leave them on a towel to air dry. Be sure to pay special attention to any nooks and crannies. Be thorough.
If you’re really into sanitizing, I absolutely love the UVee Box. It uses UV light to remove 99.9 percent of surface bacteria on your toys. I use it for everything in my house from my cell phone to my jewelry. It’s a worthy investment.
Do away with shame! Go boldly into butt play and have the most fun!
Butt stuff has been taboo probably for as long as there have been taboos. But thanks to a growing conversation on anal play (hello, pegging!) you and your partner might find yourselves ready to, erm, enter new territory and attempt a prostate orgasm.
Rewind: What is a prostate orgasm?
The prostate—a gland about the size of a walnut which sits deep in the groin between the base of a guy’s penis and his rectum—is to men what the G-spot is to women. For some men, it can potentially be a total pleasure center.
Biologically, the prostate produces semen, but “sexually and erotically, it can function to heighten pleasure,” says Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., founder of The Intimacy Institute in Colorado. “What prostate stimulation does is press upon the urethra in such a way that it can actually prevent ejaculation,” Skyler says—a.k.a. it can stretch out that just-about-to-orgasm feeling even longer.
“If your partner is comfortable with prostate contact and is able to relax and enjoy anal stimulation”—the only way to get to the prostate is by sticking your finger or a toy about an inch and a half into his butt—“it adds this sensation of fullness and pressure that maximizes the intensity of an orgasm for a man,” Skyler explains.
Aside from the prostate stimulation itself, the anal action that’s part of the process can also boost a guy’s pleasure. “It’s hard to know how much of ‘prostate pleasure’ actually involves the prostate at all and how much is related to the fact that the only way to get to a man’s prostate is through his anus,” says Stephen Snyder, M.D., a sex therapist and author of Love Worth Making. “A lot of people enjoy anal stimulation, which makes sense—like the genitals, the anal area is richly supplied with nerve endings and blood flow.”
That said, “Some men don’t enjoy it—it can be a psychological lack of enjoyment or it could be a physiological one,” says Skyler, adding she’s had patients in both categories. Or maybe he’s just not interested in exploring (and that’s okay). Either way, as with any sex act, it’s important to communicate and make sure both parties are game—that includes you, btw.
How do I help my partner have a prostate orgasm?
If you’re intrigued by exploring this new territory, Skyler has some tips for how to make a prostate orgasm happen.
1. Help your partner relax.
If you are both jazzed to poke around his prostate, it’s important to start by getting super-relaxed. “The anus has two sphincters and they can tighten up and close,” Skyler says. “The way to get entrance and invitation is to really deeply relax the whole body.”
Start with a sensual massage, the goal of which isn’t necessarily to turn your partner on, but to help him feel totally comfortable.
2. Try some anal foreplay.
Once your partner feels chilled out, ease your way in. “If you’ve never done anal play, approach the anus respectfully and slowly,” Sklyer says. “Play with the full buttocks and inner thighs first and then move to play with the outer rim of the opening of the anus
3. Get some lube.
“The anus is not self-lubricating so make sure there’s a lot of lube, no matter what,” Skyler says. She recommends picking up a lubricant that’s specifically designed for anal play since these formulas tend to be a little thicker and last a bit longer. (Here are the best lubes for anal, FYI.)
4. Choose your tools.
The best way to stimulate the prostate is either with your finger or a prostate toy (basically a slim butt plug). If you’re hesitant about using your finger (even if he just took a shower, it’s okay if the idea still makes you feel a little squeamish) a toy is an awesome alternative.
“Sex toy retailers like Adam and Eve sell a lot of beginner prostate toys,” Skyler says. “Most of them even have a rounded edge like a finger.”
5. Slowly massage the prostate.
To make a prostate orgasm happen, go super-slowly—especially if this is the first time you and your partner are trying the technique. Once you’re inside, feel for the prostate gland, which is about “one knuckle’s worth” into the rectum in the direction of his penis (as opposed to his lower back), Skyler says. “It feels like a soft pillow-y ball,” she says.
Once you’ve found it, apply soft pressure or try stroking it slowly, and keep communicating with your partner about how it feels. Take your cues from him on whether to stroke or apply even pressure, go slower or faster, press more or less intense, etc. Whatever way you do it: Prepare for a whole new type of O.
It’s Product Review Friday once again. Today we bring you a kit of pleasure products for men produced by NS Novelties. These products come to us from ManShop.
Back with us today is one of the newest members of the Dr Dick Review Crew, Trevor, who will show us around.
Before I get to the contents of the box, a quick word about the packaging. It’s handsome in a manly sort of way. The front of the black cardboard box features embossed images of the three toys in the kit. They identify the toys as a Silicone Triad Ring, (read: glorified cockring) Silicone Plug Small, (read: butt plug) and finally, a TPR Stroker (read: wanker sleeve). The back of the box features a see-through cutout of the toys along with an illustration of how to use the Triad Ring. I’m glad they did that because I was completely stumped as to what to do with the thing when I first saw it.
Inside the box there is a clear plastic clamshell sort of deal that houses the three toys.
So now that we know what the box contains let’s look at each toy in turn. I’m going to start with the Triad Ring. Like I said I was totally miffed by what I held in my hand. It looks like a figure 8 with an extra loop. Each of the three rings are a slightly different diameter. Once I saw the illustration on the box I figured it out. You can stack them or spread them out. The largest of the loops is used like a traditional cockring. It is made of silicone, so that’s good. It’s also stretchy so that I can easily get it around my cock and balls. (BTW, if you don’t know what a cockring is or why you would want to wear one; check out Dr Dick’s tutorial: Cockring Crash Course.)
Once I had the largest of the rings in place I attempted to stuff my balls through the middle ring. This wasn’t at all easy. You see, the smaller the rings get the less give they have for stretching. I don’t want to brag but I have big balls and it was a struggle getting it on. I finally had to resort to using some water-based lube to assist me with this. Finally, I had to fit my cock through the smallest ring. This was a bit easier, but the lube helped too. Once I had the blasted thing in place I had to take a breather. Here’s a tip: if you plan to use the Triad Ring for sex with a partner, be sure you put it on way before you initiate sex with your partner. It would be a total buzz kill trying to wrangle this thing into place while your partner is patiently waiting. Also, if ya try to put this on when you already have a boner, you’ll lose the stiffy well before you get into place. Maybe that’s a good thing.
Personally I found the Triad Ring overkill. I love wearing a cockring and it is very helpful keeping an erection, but the Triad Ring wasn’t very comfortable and it didn’t do anything extra to enhance my erection.
Next we have the Silicone Plug Small. Again, it’s made of silicone, which is very good. If you don’t know this already, you can only use water-based lube with this silicone toy. And if you are a novice butt pirate, be sure to use a lot of lube, both on the toy and in you hole before you attempt insertion.
I’m kinda new to anal pleasuring so I appreciated that the Silicone Plug was of the small variety. It’s not too much larger than a stout finger. (BTW, if you are unsure of what a butt plug is or why you would want to use one; check out Dr Dick’s tutorial: Butt Plug Crash Course.)
I liked the Silicone Plug a lot. I mostly use it when I’m alone. I can wear this thing for hours without irritation. It gives me intense prostate stimulation and I can even bust a nut without much stroking and just from the prostate stimulation alone. Very cool!
Now that I got the hang of this but plug thing, I’m gonna try a slightly larger one. I may even start to wear it when I’m having a shag with my GF, Shelia. That should give her something to talk about.
Finally, we have the TPR Stroker. I had to look up TPR. TPR = Thermo Plasticized Rubber. I found that TPR is commonly used in adult toys due to cost effectiveness, and ease of manufacturing. These materials can range from soft and flexible to firm and stiff. The good news is these elastomers do NOT have phthalates in them. And they are safe for those with a latex allergies. The bad news is the products containing TPR, while compatible with water and silicone based lubricants, are not compatible with oils, like massage oil. They are also not non-porous, so they can’t be sterilized, like silicone can, so there’s no sharing this toy with anyone else. These products should not be stored touching other plastic items, as they may interact poorly and melt. ☹
The TPR Stroker, curiously enough, has a set of finger rings on the side so you can have a secure grip while you stroke it up and down your cock. I thought that was funny because it seems pretty superfluous to me. It only has an insertable length of just less than 5”. My cock is 7” and pretty thick, so this was not designed with me in mind. The hole you stick your dick into is pretty small too and I couldn’t insert my willie without a big glob of lube. I used water-based lube. The inside of the stroker is ribbed for my pleasure.
I’ve used a number of strokers in the past; this is my least favorite, mostly because it wasn’t the right size for me. You might like it better than I do.
After using it a couple of times and washing it thoroughly in warm water and mild soap I noticed that the TPR began to get tacky. That was a bummer because I didn’t want to touch it after that. BTW, air-drying it is the only thing you can do. Don’t try to dry it with a cloth.
The other two toys, the Silicone Plug and Triad Ring, are made of silicone and they are really easy to clean. Toss them into the skink with mild soap and warm water, scrub them down a bit, and let it air dry. Or you can just wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution to sanitize for sharing.
In the end, I thought this kit was a mixed bag. I liked the butt plug, the Triad Ring was just OK, and the TPR Stroker was a bust. On the plus side, the price is right for the kit. You can get it for under $30.
It’s our first Product Review Friday of the new year. So HURRAY for that!
This week we have another wonderful product from our good friends over at We-Vibe. As you probably know, they have been part of this review effort since 2008 when we reviewed our first product of their line. Since then we’ve happily reviewed several of their others.
To keep track of all our reviews of the amazing products coming from We-Vibe, use the search function in the sidebar of DrDickSexToyReviews.com, type in We-Vibe, and PRESTO!
Back by popular demand, here are Dr Dick Review Crew members, Jack & Karen, to show and tell.
Jack & Karen Karen: “Back by popular demand? Well, that one way of looking at it.” Jack: “We begged and begged, is more like it.” Karen: “We were so happy to be invited back to the Review Crew after so many years in the wilderness. And to come back just in time to review a marvelous We-Vibe product; well we were over the moon.” Jack: “Hey, why not tease our audience with some of the particulars before passing judgment?” Karen: “Sorry! It’s just that I love this little thing; I couldn’t help myself. Let me catch my breath and begin with the packaging, which I love. Whoops, I did it again.” Jack: “OK, time out for you. I’ll do the packaging. Like all We-Vibe products the packaging is first rate, stylish, but understated. A nice petite cardboard box featuring an image of the Ditto opens to reveal your Ditto and it’s remote. A USB charger cable, a small packet of lube, instructions and a storage bag are nestled under the toy.” Karen: “Oh My God! I said when I first saw it. It’s a butt plug!” Jack: “My wife is so freakin’ clever!” Karen: “This would be my first foray into the world of anal pleasuring and I was a wee bit nervous.” Jack: “But she persevered!” Karen: “You’re so funny. Listen, I don’t want to get ahead of myself again. So I’ll slow down. You already know that the Ditto is rechargeable, since Jack mentioned the USB charger cable. Well, it’s super easy to charge and charging it for 90 minutes will give you 2 hours of playtime. The Ditto is made from smooth, seam-free velvety, latex-free, nonporous, phthalate-free, and hypoallergenic silicone with a matt finish. It’s totally waterproof too. And since this is gonna go where the sun don’t shine, so to speak, the water based lube sample packet will come in very handy. You’ll want to stock up on water-based lube if you don’t have a cupboard full, like we do, because every time you use the Ditto you’ll want to use some. Remember, your butthole isn’t like your vagina; there is no natural lubrication down there.” Jack: “The Ditto is quite petite. It has an insertable length of approximately 3 inches and a circumference of just over 3.5 inches making it, in my opinion the perfect plug for someone who in interested in investigating anal play. While it was too petite for me, it was perfect for Karen. The Ditto is remote controlled and there’s an app for it too. We downloaded the We-Vibe Connect app from our app store. We then turned on the bluetooth function on our phone, pressed the power button on the Ditto, which is found on the base of the toy, and PRESTO. Once the app finds the Ditto it will buzz to life. The app is fantastic because you can see battery levels, choose patterns and speeds and you can even make your own patterns. The Ditto comes preset with 10 modes so, even if you don’t have a smart phone, you can still enjoy the delightful sensation the Ditto offers right out of the box.”
Karen: “Don’t forget about the remote! The remote is the bomb. It’s what makes the Ditto so much fun to use by one’s self or with a partner. It is a small battery powered remote and lets you move back and forth between vibration modes and allows the user to adjust the intensity of the vibrations. Another thing, most butt plugs on the market have a round or anchor shape base, but the Ditto has this unique L-shaped base. I think the L-shape makes the Ditto more comfortable to use and more secure once it’s in place.” Jack: “I know Karen has already mentioned this, but it bears repeating. If you’re new to anal play, please use a generous amount of lube. Be sure to lube up both your ass and the Ditto before inserting it. And GO slow. So many people try anal play for the first time, do something wrong, like going too fast, or not using enough lube, and they hate the experience. Thus ruling out all future bum fun and pleasure because they weren’t careful. Don’t let that happen to you. I promise you; do things right and you will be in heaven as soon as the vibrations start.” Karen: “Yep, that’s what happened to me the first time out with the Ditto. After a few sessions of solo play, I was ready to partner up with Jack. Jack wore a much larger plug and I had my Ditto. It was grand. Jack said he could feel vibrations from the Ditto through my vagina. What fun! Jack: “Because the Ditto is waterproof and made of silicone it’s super easy to clean. Mild soap and warm water does just fine for everyday cleaning. But you can also wipe it down with a lint-free towel moistened with peroxide, rubbing alcohol or a 10% bleach solution to sanitize for sharing. But get this; we wanted to see how well this thing was made so we dropped it into a pot of boiling water for a couple of minutes to actually sterilize it. It stood up that like a pro. Then we ran it trough the dishwasher and that didn’t phase it either. This thing is made to last.”
Karen: “Remember, you can only use a water-based lube with a beautiful silicone toy like this. A silicone-based lube would mar the finish, and you certainly don’t want that.” Jack: “The Ditto delivers deep, powerful, and rumbly vibrations. They are amazingly strong for such a small toy. I was actually quite surprised.” Karen: “The sweet little drawstring storage pouch that is included in the package makes the Ditto perfect for travel. I am so stoked about the innovative design, its power, and how quiet it is. It gets my highest recommendation.”
Megwyn White, Somatic Sensuality Guide and Director of Education at 
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