Two women share what it’s like to come out later in life

For many years, Marija was happy but knew deep down something was missing in her relationships.

By Tahnee Jash

She had been in two long-term partnerships with men. The first led to marriage, and the second to a son.

It wasn’t until she was 40 that she met, and fell in love with, a woman.

“Before I came out, I met someone I decided to act on,” Marija, 76, tells ABC podcast, Ladies, We Need To Talk.

“That was a turning point that I wish to God I had done in my teens but then of course, I wouldn’t have had my son.”

She has now been in a committed relationship with a woman for the last 25 years.

‘I was afraid of being judged’

Marija, who came to Australia as a WWII refugee, says she was always attracted to women but wasn’t sure how her family would respond.

“[I come from a] migrant background and everyone was married, they were building up a new life in this country, and I don’t think my family would have understood,” she says.

“I was terribly afraid of being judged by them and losing their love.”

Marija had a great relationship with her second partner, who has since passed away, and when she made the decision to come out, he was very supportive.

“I think he suspected [it]. Then when I did tell him he kept saying, ‘The only thing that matters is your happiness’,” she says.

While Marija’s son took some time getting used to seeing his mum with another woman, he now has a great relationship with them both.

“He withdrew for a little while and then after he got to know my partner and realised that she wasn’t taking me away from [him and his dad] he did a flip and became her best friend.”

Sexuality is fluid and can change over time

When Marija was coming to terms with her identity 36 years ago, sexuality was not as openly discussed or understood.

“I had a very high-profile job with local newspapers and magazines, and I felt that that would have been jeopardised. In those days, comments about homosexuality were not very pleasant,” she says.

Dr Lisa Diamond, professor of psychology and gender studies at the University of Utah, has been researching sexual identity for over 30 years.

She says for many years, women were “socialised to think about female sexuality as shameful”.

“Most women develop an alienated relationship with their own sexuality because every time they have a sexual desire, they repress it,” she says.

Influences around us — from our family to the movies we watch — also encourage what we think.

“The idea is that there is this pressure on all women to be heterosexual and this inability to even think of anything else that prevents a lot of women from knowing what they actually want,” says Dr Diamond.

There’s also pressure to have this all worked out once you hit adulthood and is why some women come out later in life, especially after a big life event.

“The capacity for a same-sex relationship might have been there from the beginning but if you don’t have a chance to articulate that to yourself, then it might take a big life transition to wake up and actually ask yourself what you actually want,” Dr Diamond explains.

“We know that sexuality is a complicated spectrum that changes over time.”

‘Our focus was on the children’

Like Marija, Jennifer came out in her 40s.

She says her conservative, religious upbringing was part of the reason she couldn’t understand or explore her sexuality.

Her first experience of dating was in her late 20s, with her husband who she had two children with and was in a relationship for 24 years.

“Our focus was on the children, [not] on me. Having said that, I was struggling inside but I just put my energy on them and brushed myself aside,” Jennifer, 61, says.

It was after watching a documentary about lesbians in Melbourne that Jennifer experienced an epiphany.

Jennifer didn’t know what to do next.

“I [thought I] can’t tell anyone, I’m married. I’m going to have to hold this inside me and never say anything,” she says.

After suppressing this for two years, a fatal accident involving her brother pushed her feelings to the forefront and that’s the moment Jennifer decided to come out.

“It was like my subconscious was saying, ‘Come on, life is short you’ve got to do something about this’,” she says.

It was in the months that followed that she decided to come out to her family and friends. After sitting in her lounge room for four hours rehearsing what she was going to say, she finally worked up the courage to tell her husband.

“It was a relief for us both because it made sense to everything in our world,” Jennifer says.

“He [replied and said] ‘Yes, I reckon a lot of women feel this in middle age’ and that was it. It was like we could breathe.”

Coming out to the family

During a countryside drive, Jennifer decided to tell her children too.

“I’m very close to my children and I just knew they’d know there was something weird going on with me. So I chose [to tell them] driving in the car one day,” Jennifer says.

“The words [were] like this vomit coming and [I said], ‘I’ve got something to tell you’ and I said, ‘I’m gay,’ Jennifer says.

“One of them is just like, ‘stop the car [so I can] get out’ and the other one said, ‘we just want you to be happy’.”

Both her children came to accept her news and Jennifer has a great relationship with them today.

Going through this experience and learning more about herself, Jennifer says hersexuality is more about the individual, rather than a label.

“For me, it’s about fluidity so I don’t call myself a lesbian,” she says.

“It’s more about the person I’m with; I don’t like [using] categories.”

Complete Article HERE!

Senior sex

— Tips for older men

What you can do to maintain a healthy and enjoyable sex life as you grow older.

By Mayo Clinic Staff

As you age, sex isn’t the same as it was in your 20s — but it can still be satisfying. Contrary to common myths, sex isn’t just for the young. Many seniors continue to enjoy their sexuality into their 80s and beyond.

A healthy sex life not only is fulfilling, but also is good for other aspects of your life, including your physical health and self-esteem.

Senior sex: What changes as men get older?

As men age, testosterone levels decline and changes in sexual function are common. These physiological changes can include:

  • A need for more stimulation to achieve and maintain erection and orgasm
  • Shorter orgasms
  • Less forceful ejaculation and less semen ejaculated
  • Longer time needed to achieve another erection after ejaculation

You may feel some anxiety about these changes, but remember they don’t have to end your enjoyment of sex. Adapting to your changing body can help you maintain a healthy and satisfying sex life. For example, you may need to adjust your sexual routine to include more stimulation to become aroused.

Senior sex and health problems

Your health can have a big impact on your sex life and sexual performance. Poor health or chronic health conditions, such as heart disease or arthritis, make sex and intimacy more challenging.

Certain surgeries and many medications, such as blood pressure medications, antihistamines, antidepressants and acid-blocking drugs, can affect sexual function.

But don’t give up. You and your partner can experiment with ways to adapt to your limitations.

For example, if you’re worried about having sex after a heart attack, talk with your doctor about your concerns. If arthritis pain is a problem, try different sexual positions or try using heat to alleviate joint pain before or after sexual activity.

Stay positive and focus on ways of being sexual and intimate that work for you and your partner.

Senior sex and emotional issues

At any age, emotional issues can affect your sexuality. Many older couples report greater satisfaction with their sex life because they have fewer distractions, more time and privacy, and no worries about pregnancy.

On the other hand, some older adults feel stressed by health problems, financial concerns and other lifestyle changes. Depression can decrease your desire for and interest in sex. If you feel you might be depressed, talk to your doctor or a counselor.

Senior sex tips

Sex may not be the same for you or your partner as it was when you were younger. But sex and intimacy can continue to be a rewarding part of your life. Here are some tips for maintaining a healthy and enjoyable sex life:

  • Talk with your partner. Even if it’s difficult to talk about sex, openly sharing your needs, desires and concerns can help you both enjoy sex and intimacy more.
  • Visit your doctor. Your doctor can help you manage chronic conditions and medications that affect your sex life. If you have trouble maintaining an erection, ask your doctor about treatments.
  • See a sex therapist. A therapist may be able to help you and your partner with specific concerns. Ask your doctor for a referral.
  • Expand your definition of sex. Intercourse is only one way to have a fulfilling sex life. Touching, kissing and other intimate contact can be rewarding for you and your partner.

    As you age, it’s normal for you and your partner to have different sexual abilities and needs. Be open to finding new ways to enjoy sexual contact and intimacy.

  • Adapt your routine. Simple changes can improve your sex life. Change the time of day you have sex to a time when you have the most energy. Try the morning — when you’re refreshed from a good night’s sleep — rather than at the end of a long day.

    Because it might take longer for you or your partner to become aroused, take more time to set the stage for romance. Try a new sexual position or explore other ways of connecting romantically and sexually.

  • Don’t give up on romance. If you’ve lost your partner, it can be difficult to imagine starting another relationship — but socializing is well worth the effort for many single seniors. No one outgrows the need for emotional closeness and intimacy.

    If you start an intimate relationship with a new partner, use a condom. Many older adults are unaware that they are still at risk of sexually transmitted infections, such as herpes and gonorrhea.

One final piece of advice for maintaining a healthy sex life: Take care of yourself and stay as healthy as you can:

  • Eat a healthy diet.
  • Exercise regularly.
  • Don’t drink too much alcohol.
  • Don’t smoke.

See your doctor regularly, especially if you have chronic health conditions or take prescription medications.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex in the Senior Years: Why It’s Key to Overall Health

Lovemaking isn’t just for the young — older people gain a lot of satisfaction from amorous relations as well.

But things get complicated as people age, and many folks let this important part of life drift away rather than talk about sexual problems with either their partner or their doctor, experts told HealthDay Now.

“Not many people talk about sex with their doctors, especially as we age,” said Alexis Bender, an assistant professor of geriatrics with the Emory University School of Medicine, in Atlanta. “So many people do report sexual dysfunction on surveys, but they don’t when they’re talking to their doctors. And so it’s important to have those conversations with primary care physicians.”

It’s worth discussing. A healthy sex life brings many benefits to seniors, experts say.

Sex has been linked to heart health, as well as overall mental and physical health. “It’s definitely an association, and it’s positive,” Bender said.

For example, lots of beneficial biochemicals are released by the body during sex, said HealthDay medical correspondent Dr. Robin Miller. These include DHEA, a hormone that helps with cognitive function, and oxytocin, another hormone that plays a role in social bonding, affection and intimacy.

“Having sex is a really important part of overall health and happiness, and people that have it, they live longer,” said Miller, a practicing physician with Triune Integrative Medicine in Medford, Ore.

Sex can actually get better as you get older, Miller added.

“For instance, for men, they can control their ejaculation better as they get older,” Miller said. “Women aren’t worried about pregnancy once they go through menopause, so they’re freer.”

Unfortunately, aging does complicate matters a bit when it comes to sex, Bender noted.

“For both men and women, we see changes in physical health such as diabetes or cardiac conditions that might limit desire or ability to have sex,” Bender said. “Activity decreases with age, but interest and desire does not, for both men and women.”

The changes wrought by menopause and andropause also can affect the sex lives of older men and women, Miller said.

Continued

“For women, vaginal dryness is a big issue. With men, it’s erectile dysfunction,” Miller told HealthDay Now.

Luckily, modern medicine has made advances that can help with these problems. Hormone replacement therapy can help women with the physical symptoms of menopause that interfere with sex, Miller said, and men have Viagra and other erectile dysfunction drugs.

“The story of Viagra is very interesting, actually,” Miller said. “In 1998, they were experimenting using it as an antihypertensive. What they noticed was when they were experimenting with these men, when the nurses arrived to check on them they were all on their stomachs, because they were embarrassed since they had erections.”

“That’s when they realized this was a much better medicine for erectile dysfunction than high blood pressure, and that’s made a big difference for men,” Miller continued.

Women can take Viagra as well, “but women don’t like the side effects. Men don’t really like them, either, but they’re willing to put up with them,” Miller said.

“What I found is for women that you can use Viagra as a cream on the clitoral area,” Miller said. “I call it ‘scream cream.’ You can get it made up at a compound pharmacy. It works like a charm. You still have to wait 40 minutes like men do, but there’s no side effects, and it works, especially for women who are on antidepressants, who have trouble reaching orgasm. It really is very helpful.”

So help is out there, but seniors will have to get over their hang-ups and talk to their doctor to take advantage of these options, the experts said.

“Sex and sexuality are taboo in our society,” Bender said. “Especially for women, sex is highly regulated and talked about at an early age, and we’re really socialized to not be sexual beings.”

Miller said, “I think it’s generational. Some Baby Boomers have a hard time talking about sex. My kids don’t have any trouble talking about it. I bet yours don’t either.”

Women also face practical problems when it comes to finding a sex partner, particularly if they’re looking for a man, Bender said. Women outlive men, so the dating pool shrinks as time goes on, and men tend to choose younger partners.

Continued

Through her research, Miller was surprised to learn that many women just give up on the search.

“Even though I think it’s important to have a healthy sex life and healthy partnership, a lot of women don’t want to reengage in partnership as they get older,” Miller said. “They’ve been married. They’ve taken care of people for a very long time. They’ve taken care of their husbands and their children. And they just say, I don’t want that anymore. I’m happy to sit and hold hands with someone, but I don’t want to get into a relationship again. And so that kind of challenged some of my generational thinking about what relationships mean over time.”

More information

The Mayo Clinic has more about good sex and aging.

Complete Article HERE!

LGBT Seniors Are Being Pushed Back Into the Closet

To curb harassment in care facilities, one woman is teaching staff members to respect their elders’ sexual orientations.

Phyllis Lyon and Del Martin were the first same-sex couple to wed in San Francisco.

By David R. Wheeler

A few years ago, Rabbi Sara Paasche-Orlow was spending time with, and comforting, a friend who was dying of cancer. Along with all of the usual difficulties and complexities of end-of-life care, there was an additional concern for the friend. Despite being married to her lesbian partner, she didn’t feel like she could be open about it with the hospice worker.

“When hospice came in, I couldn’t stay next to her in the bed,” the friend told Paasche-Orlow, “I had to separate myself. I had to pretend I was something I wasn’t.”

Although Paasche-Orlow never learned the exact reason for the discomfort, her friend’s reluctance to reveal her sexual identity is widespread among non-heterosexual senior citizens in long-term care. A recent national survey of this population by the National Resource Center on LGBT Aging—which provides support and services to lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender elders—found that the respondents were frequently mistreated by care-center staff, including cases of verbal and physical harassment, as well as refusal of basic services. Some respondents reported being prayed for and warned they might “go to hell” for their sexual orientation or gender identity.

In Paasche-Orlow’s case, her friend’s statement haunted her so much that she launched a series of programs to help long-term-care residents and staff members deal with the barriers to care for LGBT seniors—and the health disparities that may result. Her aim is to guard these seniors from being forced back into the closet as they age.

“I couldn’t go back and change it for my friend, but we could start thinking much more proactively about this,” Paasche-Orlow said.

With gay marriage legal nationwide and organizations such as The LGBT Aging Project, a nonprofit that advocates for equal access to life-prolonging services, in operation for more than a decade, Americans should theoretically be living in a golden age for LGBT seniors. Yet the LGBT Aging Center’s survey found that only 22 percent of respondents felt they could be open about their sexual identities with health-care staff. Almost 90 percent predicted that staff members would discriminate based on their sexual orientations or gender identities. And 43 percent reported instances of mistreatment. Meanwhile, few elder-care providers have services directly targeted at helping them.

To deal with this problem, Paasche-Orlow decided to integrate LGBT-focused programs into her work as the director of Religious and Chaplaincy Services at Hebrew SeniorLife, a Harvard-affiliated organization that provides health care to more than 3,000 Boston-area elders. Paasche-Orlow’s programs range from sensitivity training to bringing in LGBT youth from local high schools to spend time with residents.

Although the residents are grateful for the programs, community members such as Mimi Katz acknowledge there’s still a long way to go. Katz, who came out as a lesbian in 1968, lives in a Hebrew SeniorLife facility in Brookline, Massachusetts. She says that one of the major problems today’s elders must contend with is unspoken homophobia. “In the more liberal Brookline kind of setting, nobody is going to be overtly homophobic,” she said. “It’s the same thing as racism. Nobody wants to think of themselves as a racist, but then somebody will say, of one of the black aides, ‘Oh, she’s so well-spoken.’ That kind of thing. Or somebody will say to me, about a woman whose child is gay, ‘Oh, the heartache she goes through.’”

Katz can’t help but be exasperated when these moments occur. “It’s like, ‘Hello!’” she said.

In terms of concrete activities offered by Hebrew SeniorLife, Katz was especially appreciative of her community’s screening of the 2010 documentary Gen Silent, which follows the stories of six LGBT senior citizens who must navigate the intricacies of a long-term care system that is unsupportive of LGBT individuals. But Katz believes what will ultimately benefit LGBT elders the most is staff training. “The only way to deal with it is by example,” Katz said.

According to Paasche-Orlow, most care providers and staff members would never knowingly discriminate against someone because of their sexual identity. But that doesn’t mean LGBT seniors feel like they can be themselves. There’s a difference, Paasche-Orlow acknowledged, between wanting to provide a safe environment and actually providing one. “What we know about the whole field of cultural competency is that, unless I really understand the person I’m serving, I’m going to provide them with what I personally would like, or what I think they need.”

For example, a well-meaning staff member might accidentally make an LGBT elder uncomfortable by asking certain questions—about spouses, children, or grandchildren—that assume the resident is heterosexual. “Instead, we encourage people to ask, ‘Who are the important people in your life?’” Paasche-Orlow said.

Paasche-Orlow’s work does seem to be influencing the Hebrew SeniorLife staff. “The series of LGBT trainings that we went through opened my eyes to the experiences and needs of the transgender community,” said Marie Albert Parent Daniel, a nurse at Boston’s Hebrew Rehabilitation Center who now considers herself an LGBT advocate. “The trainings also gave me language and terminology to help support and educate staff members who may be struggling with how to best care for LGBT residents. … It hurts my heart to see that there are elderly people who are afraid to share their stories and live openly.”

Although an increasing number of long-term care facilities throughout the country are doing more to reach out to LGBT seniors, significant progress is needed before this becomes a widespread practice, said Tari Hanneman, director of the Health Equality Project at the HRC Foundation. “Unfortunately, because so many LGBTQ elders are not comfortable being out, aging service providers often do not realize that they are serving this population and do not recognize that they may need to change their policies and practices to become more LGBTQ-inclusive.”

Complete Article HERE!

Inviting the 70+ Crowd to Bare It All

The New York Times Magazine cover story focuses on the intimate experiences of older adults.

The visual artist Marilyn Minter, right, preparing to take a photograph of a couple in her New York City studio in November.

By Kate Dwyer

Hands. Neck. Armpits. These are the places where skin reveals its age. And this week’s New York Times Magazine shows a lot of skin. The magazine’s cover story by Maggie Jones, “The Joys (and Challenges) of Sex After 70,” focuses on seniors with fulfilling sex lives. But finding older adults willing to bare it all — figuratively and literally — proved challenging for both Ms. Jones, a contributing writer to the magazine, and the visual artist Marilyn Minter, 73, who photographed the project.

“Lots of people were not interested,” Ms. Jones said. For older people, many of whom still view frank discussion of intimacy as taboo, “it was too risky to talk about their sex lives,” even when Ms. Jones agreed to use their first names or middle names to protect their privacy. However, “the ones who were game were incredibly game.”

Over the course of three years, Ms. Jones and Ilena Silverman, a deputy editor at the magazine, discussed doing a story on the sex lives of seniors. During that time, Ms. Jones interviewed nearly 50 people over age 70 about marriage, dating and hooking up, and discovered that not only were octogenarians having sex, but some were having the best, most meaningful sex of their lives. The feature tells the story of a diverse generation — married, single, straight and queer people of different races — who are finally investing in their pleasure. “They may be in therapy or trying to have better sex, but everybody I was talking to was invested in and working on their sex lives,” Ms. Jones said.

Many had spent decades believing they would never have satisfying sex, and concluded they didn’t like sex altogether. Ms. Jones recounted something that the sex researcher Peggy Kleinplatz told her that didn’t make it into the story: “Low desire is often good judgment, because the sex isn’t worth it.”

When it was time for Kathy Ryan, the magazine’s director of photography, to approach a photographer to shoot the images, ​​Ms. Minter’s unabashed, candy-colored depictions of female sexuality came to mind immediately. “Her nudes are glamorously provocative and refreshing in their candor. This seemed like just the right sensibility to bring to this assignment,” Ms. Ryan said.

Before Ms. Minter read the “revelatory” story, she said, she didn’t have a clue people were having great sex into their 90s. “I thought, ‘Wow, we really have an opportunity here to give elders permission to investigate everything,’” she said. “The article is saying, ‘Yeah, go for it, boys and girls!’” She believed she had one job: to make her subjects look “elegant, sexy and old.”

But first, Ms. Ryan and the photo editor David Carthas faced a challenge similar to Ms. Jones’s: They had to find older adults who were willing to work with them, ones “comfortable in their bodies and uninhibited” about being photographed in lingerie.

“I asked everybody I knew and they all turned me down — nobody would do it!” Ms. Minter said. “I got my husband to pose a little, but we could barely see him.” After some cajoling, two real couples signed on. The team also hired models and actors.

During the shoot, to ease anxiety, Ms. Minter reminded her subjects how rare it is to see sex among seniors depicted on film in an elevated way. “I told them, ‘You’re the role models here, you’re going to be the power of example for the rest of the population.’” To reflect that, the team cast models of different shapes and sizes. “I wanted that. I was trying to make this shoot look like real people,” Ms. Minter said.

Ms. Minter believes a project like this is long overdue. Several years ago, she painted a series of “beautiful people with wrinkles,” which did not sell. “I still have those paintings. Nobody wanted them,” she said. “There’s such a contempt in the culture for elders having sex. Elder sexuality is treated as a joke. It’s a New Yorker cartoon.”

Her photographs — and Ms. Jones’s story — work to dismantle the taboo around sexuality in later life and capture a confidence that comes only with age.

Because the team decided not to show the subjects’ faces, Ms. Minter faced a challenge on set. Although nearly all of the subjects were in their 70s and 80s, it was tough to capture their ages — most bodies look younger than people assume. “Lingerie is very forgiving,” she said.

When selecting the final photographs for the magazine, Ms. Ryan and Mr. Carthas had to edit out many images, Ms. Minter said. “They kept saying, ‘Too young! Too young! Too young!’”

Complete Article HERE!

Is “Men’s Menopause” a Real Thing?

And is it something you need to worry about?

By Kayla Kibbe

We’ve all heard of menopause, most likely in the form of insensitive jokes about hot flashes, mood swings and/or the state of being an aging woman in general. As a sympathetic adult man (especially one with a female partner) who has hopefully grown out of these dated stereotypes, however, you’re ideally already aware that educating yourself about the realities of menopause will behoove you, your partner and your relationship. But is menopause something you, a man, have to worry about personally?

As interest in testosterone replacement therapy has peaked in recent years, so has conversation (and concern) surrounding what is sometimes referred to as “men’s menopause,” “andropause” or, less formally, “manopause.” But is “men’s menopause” really a thing? The answer is both “No, not at all” and also “Well, sort of, maybe.” We (with the help of a few experts in the medical field) can explain.

Do men go through menopause?

Technically speaking, no, men do not go through menopause, largely because “menopause” — which literally means the pause or cessation of the menstrual cycle and thus fertility — refers specifically to a sudden and rapid decline in hormone levels experienced only by women and/or people with ovaries and related reproductive organs.

(It’s important to note that people born with this specific set of organs may not necessarily identify as women and may still experience menopause. For the purposes of this article, however, I will primarily be referring to cis man- and womanhood, and the biological experiences that generally accompany each, which people of any gender identity may experience.)

While the related term “andropause” attempts to create a more male-centric alternative by referring to androgens — a group of hormones (namely testosterone) that play a role in male traits and reproductive activity — experts like Dr. Alexander Tatem, a board-certified urologist specializing in male reproductive medicine, still say the term represents something of a misnomer.

“It tries to be a direct corollary to what women go through during menopause,” Tatem tells InsideHook. “Men experience something very different.”

While a man will experience a gradual decline in testosterone levels with age, usually beginning sometime in his forties or fifties, that decline is much less sudden and dramatic (and is often accompanied by significantly less intense symptoms) than what women endure during menopause.

“Male menopause, also known as ‘andropause,’ is really a misconception,” says Dr. Mohit Khera, MD, MBA, MPH, a board-certified urologist and Professor of Urology at Baylor College of Medicine. “It assumes that testosterone levels significantly decline due to aging.”

The reality, says Khera, is that “testosterone levels in males do not significantly decline due to aging alone,” as do women’s respective hormone levels around the time they hit middle age.

What hormonal changes can men expect with age?

As usual, men have won the genetic lottery in that most can expect to enjoy a gradual hormonal decline with age relatively free of dramatic symptoms.

“Men will lose about one percent of their testosterone production per year after about age 30,” says Tatem, adding that it is usually “a very slow, steady decline in a normal, healthy man.”

Still, just because most men can expect to experience a gradual, relatively innocuous hormonal decline with age doesn’t mean they have nothing to worry about. While men in general are typically spared the steep and symptom-ridden hormonal dropoff women endure as a natural part of their aging process, some men may still experience more worrisome declines in testosterone, or develop other conditions with age that could contribute to lower hormone levels.

“You can absolutely get to a point where you have a testosterone level that is low enough to be pathologic. That is a problem that is called hypogonadism or testosterone deficiency, which is a medical condition that deserves treatment,” says Tatem.

Moreover, adds Khera, “Many men acquire medical conditions such as obesity, diabetes and metabolic syndrome as they age. These acquired conditions can significantly drop serum testosterone levels. Thus, it is true that as men become older, they are more likely to have lower testosterone levels” — even if those lowered testosterone levels aren’t due specifically to aging alone.

Men experiencing testosterone deficiency may experience symptoms including fatigue, erectile dysfunction, low libido, increased fat deposition, decreased muscle mass and depression, says Khera.

According to Dr. Zaher Merhi, an MD, OBGYN and founder of the Rejuvenating Fertility Center in Westchester, New York, such symptoms sometimes associated with “men’s menopause” do not affect all men (the way menopausal symptoms do the majority of women) and are often mild. Still, significant symptoms may be cause for medical evaluation.

“It’s true that men will have a natural decline in their testosterone levels as they age, but there is a difference between a natural decline and something that is a problem that isn’t normal or healthy,” says Tatem. “It is not normal or healthy as a man to lose your erection, not normal or healthy to lose your energy, to lose your sex drive, to lose muscle mass, to gain fat [without trying to or for no obvious reason]. Those things aren’t normal; they’re pathologic.”

When to seek treatment for low testosterone (and when not to)

While a hormonal decline with age isn’t something most men will experience in the same way women do, real cases of low testosterone are something that should be addressed and managed by a health professional, especially because, as Khera notes, “Low testosterone can be a marker of overall poor health in men,” one that is associated with increased cardiovascular risk.

If men are experiencing the symptoms outlined above, says Tatem, “They should absolutely have their testosterone checked by a qualified professional who has their best interest at heart. And if they have low testosterone, then they absolutely should receive treatment.”

According to Merhi, “Conservative measures such as healthy diet, exercise and stress relief can help” in mild cases, while men experiencing more severe symptoms should consider having their testosterone levels tested by a medical provider who might recommend testosterone therapy.

Figuring out who counts as a qualified professional and what kind of treatment is needed, however, is the tricky part. According to Tatum, a growing number of cash-grabbing clinics are attempting to cash in on the testosterone trend by promoting testosterone supplements as something all men need after a certain age.

“I love testosterone. I think it is an amazing drug when used appropriately and judiciously,” says Tatem, who notes that he has worked with a prescribed testosterone to a wide variety of male patients. “But I think that we are experiencing a change in society where there’s increasing pressure on men from commercially backed clinics to push [testosterone therapy] onto people who maybe don’t need it and maybe create some problems.”

Those problems, according to Tatem, largely stem from the fact that testosterone is (and is often used as), in effect, a performance-enhancing drug. As with any other drug, taking testosterone in excess or when it isn’t needed can result in dependency. If you continue taking increasingly higher doses of testosterone in attempt to satiate that dependency, you run the risk of developing serious conditions related to high cholesterol and high blood pressure that can lead to kidney failure or heart disease.

Further complicating matters is the fact that there’s some disagreement among medical professionals about what actually constitutes low testosterone levels. “Because there’s debate,” says Tatem, “it’s very easy to make a case to give some guys testosterone who don’t necessarily need it.” This is great for cash clinics looking to profit off of men’s fears about their declining masculinity, but not so much for men seeking legitimate medical care to address their concerns.

Still, none of this is to say that testosterone therapy is inherently bad and no men should pursue it under any circumstances. If men are experiencing symptoms or have concerns about low testosterone, “they should absolutely go see a doctor and get tested,” says Tatem. The key is to seek care from the right sources.

“You should never go to visit a ‘clinic’ where you don’t know who the doctor is,” says Tatem. “Think twice and try to seek care from someone who specializes in men’s health, who is trained in this area, and who you know is a professional that cares about doing the right thing, and not so much about getting you to sign up for a monthly subscription service.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sex and the Single Woman at 66

— Ageism and Sexism be Damned

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active.

by

It’s time we had a candid conversation about sex and the single senior, especially if you’re a woman.

Last month, I turned 66. I’ve had no age-defying surgeries. I have accepted—but will never embrace—the 10 extra pounds on my 5’1″ frame. Still, men haven’t exactly been running the other way.

One morning earlier this year, after we in the 65-and-older crowd were vaccinated, I received flirty texts from three male friends inviting me out. I smiled reading each one, but I didn’t text back. 

Like so many aging single women who like sex, I had succumbed to the double whammy of ageism and sexism. Engaging with any of these three men would require scheming, sneaking around and outright lying to my millennial daughters. It was exhausting.

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active. If they aren’t married or in a committed relationship, however, they likely have given up on sex. For many, the problem is a shortage of available good guys or the dreaded dry vagina. For others, it’s the tsk tsk of society—and family—that keeps us home, watching Netflix alone.

As a feminist of the 1970s who fought long and hard against sexism, including making the bedroom a level playing field, how can be stopped in my tracks by my own daughters?

I was divorced in 2016 and waited the recommended year before going online. Match.com served up a plethora of men who seemed too good to be true. Of course, in the end, they were. Still, I decided to indulge.

Despite my discretion, my daughters quickly caught on. The younger lived with me. The older was newly married and lived nearby. They didn’t hesitate to share their displeasure.

I was pouring coffee one morning after a post-divorce date when my younger daughter walked into the kitchen. I offered her my cup. She eyed me suspiciously.

“What?” I asked.

“You had sex last night.” She spat out the words and poured her own coffee. I was stunned. He left long before she came home, I thought. How could she know?

“I can see it all over your face. You look like someone who just had sex!”

Growing up Catholic, I learned early on you can sin to the high heavens as long as you are contrite and do your penance. I continued to seek and find the wonderfulness of a kiss, a caress, an orgasm on Saturday night, erasing the guilt by doing my daughters’ laundry on Monday morning.

For the next two years, I wore skinny jeans with heels and spent too much money on makeup brand Boom! By Cindy Joseph. I dated men who were 15 years younger and 10 years older. Some took me to wonderful restaurants, others to five-star hotels. We went dancing, to the movies and watched the moon’s reflection over Lake St. Clair. It wasn’t all Hollywood-like bliss, but it was close enough.

My daughters told me I was acting like a teenager. The younger continued to huff past me in the morning. The older told me she had no interest in meeting anyone. Ever.

The sting was not lessened by my therapist reminding me that children, regardless of age, have difficulty seeing their parents as sexual beings. Furthermore, she said, their reproach proved just how powerful the cultural messaging is against older women who don’t follow the rules.

Indeed, last year Harvard Health Publishing reported on attitudes toward sexuality: “Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

Eventually, my daughters wore me down. I took my profile down from Match.com and let my gray grow out. I used the pandemic, as so many people did, to pull in and reflect. I babysat my new granddaughter and built up my freelance writing business. I made dinner for my girls and son-in-law and watched The Office reruns with them.

“Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

As I pass from middle-aged to elderly, I think about how I will live out my final chapter—and with whom, if anyone. I have no clear vision of what’s ahead.

I do know, however, that sex is healthy, and I have no intention of calling it quits. Nor do I intend to apologize for it. I applaud the experts who shine a spotlight on the inequity of it all and propose solutions.

One such authority is Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, co-director of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center, and past president of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Health. She believes the way to change negative stereotyping of menopausal women starts with their doctors.

“Menopause and sexuality are not addressed in medical schools or residency,” she told me in a recent interview. “Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

On average, women enter menopause at 51 and live well past 80. That means many of us could spend one-third of our lives being censured if we dare to exert ourselves as sexual beings.

“Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

During the summer, I ran into a former colleague from my early newspaper days. He asked me to dinner. Then he invited me to go birdwatching. He arranged a bicycling outing and reintroduced me to old reporter pals.

A week ago, I invited him over to start the third season of The Kominsky Method. We were on the sofa getting cozy when my daughter came home early. She stomped into the house and, without saying hello, asked him to move his car.

He left immediately. This time, I glared at her.

“What?” she asked.

“That was rude,” I said. She started to object. I cut her off: “You don’t get to have a say in what I do and whom I see. Not anymore. I expect you to treat me and my friends cordially. Always.”

Kingsberg said I should have done that a long time ago. “Why, in any realm, should a woman feel bad about the fact that she is healthy and has a good strong desire? We should have fun and experience passion. To keep that going is something you should embrace.”

“It’s good you told your daughter to knock it off,” she said.

Now, we need to stand up to the rest of society and make it clear that our right to the “pursuit of happiness” includes pursuing pleasure, no matter our age, gender or preferred position.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Andropause Or Male Menopause?

4 Health Tips Men Should Follow To Manage This

Male Menopause: Andropause is characterized by low production of male sex hormone, testosterone which happens gradually over years.

By Nmami Agarwal

Andropause or commonly known as male menopause refers to the symptoms that men experience due to low production of male sex hormone, testosterone gradually over years. The condition is more prevalent after the age of 50 years. ‘Andras’ means human male in Greek, whereas ‘pause’ is cessation, therefore, andropause may also lead to reduced sexual drive and can also cause depression in some cases. Clinically, this condition is known as testosterone deficiency syndrome or androgen deficiency or hypogonadism.

Signs and symptoms one may experience while undergoing andropause:

  • Irritability and frequent mood swings
  • Loss of muscle mass leading to difficulties in exercising
  • Fat redistribution that can lead to belly fat or gynecomastia (male breasts)
  • Lack of pleasure, enthusiasm and energy
  • Increased chances of insomnia, fatigue
  • Poor short-term memory and inability to focus
  • Decreased bone density
  • Hot flashes or sweat
  • Baldness, loss of hair
  • Decreased testicular size

Many people confuse this condition with lifestyle or psychological factors. But, that’s not always the case. In fact, some of the unhealthy lifestyle choices can lead to andropause. These may include- smoking, obesity, alcohol use, sedentary lifestyle pattern, or some medications.

Dietary Intervention:

1. Optimum calcium intake

Optimising the intake of calcium can help you relieve out the symptoms of andropause. Foods like milk, sesame seeds, ragi, eggs, fish (sardines, salmon), broccoli, and different types of legumes are rich in calcium.

2. Healthy fats

Adequate intake of essential fatty acids can boost the production of testosterone hormone. Make sure to include healthy fats in the form of nuts, seeds, dairy, lean meat, eggs, grass-fed ghee, or butter in your diet. Moderation is the key.

3. Get the right dose of zinc

Zinc is an essential mineral that serves the function of maintaining reproductive health and creating a balance of hormones including testosterone. The deficiency of zinc can also lead to an altered mood state. Zinc is readily found in seafood, legumes, nuts, seeds, and dark chocolate.

4. Maintain a healthy weight

Being overweight is a root cause of major health problems. So, make sure to maintain your weight to its normal in order to reduce the symptoms of andropause. Try to control your portion size and reduce the consumption of processed junkies, foods rich in artificial sweeteners, and bad fats from your diet.

Treatment

Testosterone supplements or hormone replacement therapy may be advised for some males but it may come with its own set of side effects and should not be done without doctor’s consultation. Your doctor is the best one to decide on the right course of treatment. Some therapies like CBT can be referred to such patients, it is a form of talk therapy that helps patients in dealing with signs of stress or anxiety.

The bottom-line

A balanced diet and a healthy lifestyle cannot be stressed enough for their importance. Small yet affirmative lifestyle changes can help regulate testosterone function, and may also improve sperm quality and fertility.

Complete Article HERE!

National Coming Out Day

— Some LGBTQ seniors fearing discrimination go back ‘into the closet’

A group of SAGE elders participate in a small group session at SAGE Center Bronx in New York, circa 2017.

National Coming Out Day is Oct. 11.

By

When Don Bell, a 71-year-old gay man, was searching for a senior living facility, he knew one thing for sure: He didn’t want to go “back into the closet” to find a safe place to live.“I had to face the fact that I was entering the stage of life where I was going to be living alone and responsible for my own life,” Bell told ABC News. “I had to look around at my own home community, and I had to consider where I would be safe and where I would be accepted.”Bell was his mother’s caretaker for many years, but after she died, he feared living alone. He said he wondered what life might be like if he was unable to find a welcoming environment as a gay Black man.Fearing homelessness, Bell fortunately won a lottery for one of the 72 spots in Chicago’s first LGBTQ-inclusive living facility.

But many aren’t so lucky. Some older members of the LGBTQ community are forced to hide their sexuality or gender identity in long-term care or housing facilities because they’re afraid of discrimination.

LGBTQ elders are a vulnerable population — they experience high rates of social isolation, are less likely to have children to care for them and experience higher levels of disability and illness, according to research by the Human Rights Campaign. Discrimination only exacerbates these insecurities.

About 3 out of 4 LGBTQ adults age 45 and older said they’re concerned about having enough support from family and friends as they get older, according to a 2018 study by AARP.

PHOTO: Gay seniors and supporters walk with SAGE at the New York City Pride March, June 25, 2017.
Gay seniors and supporters walk with SAGE at the New York City Pride March, June 25, 2017.

According to Michael Adams, chief executive officer of the LGBTQ senior advocacy group SAGE, elderly LGBTQ people often fear they’ll be refused care, abused or neglected in senior living communities.”Re-closeting,” Adams explained, “looks like: People taking the pictures of their loved ones and their partners down off their walls because they’re afraid a homecare attendant will see the pictures and will mistreat them as a result of it.”

AARP found that respondents living in “unfriendly” communities were seven times more likely to report experiences of housing discrimination due to their sexual or gender identity.

“It looks like making believe that they’re straight when they’re not,” Adams added. “It looks like making believe that they don’t have same-sex partners, hiding their LGBTQ magazines … it means erasing a whole fundamental part of their lives in order to protect themselves.”

There aren’t consistent or explicit anti-discrimination protections for all LGBTQ people at a federal level. SAGE data shows that about half of all LGBTQ older adults live in states where it’s not illegal to deny access to housing or public accommodations based on someone’s sexuality or gender expression.

Only 18% of long-term care communities have policies in place that protect LGBTQ residents, SAGE’s research shows.

PHOTO: Pam DeMoucell, right, dances with her spouse, Jane Beltramini, both of Pembroke, Mass., during an LGBT senior luncheon in Boston on June 20, 2016.
Pam DeMoucell, right, dances with her spouse, Jane Beltramini, both of Pembroke, Mass., during an LGBT senior luncheon in Boston on June 20, 2016.

Bell can recall the many forms of anti-LGBTQ discrimination he’s experienced throughout his life. He’s part of what he calls the first “out” generation, which is now aging: “We have lived the entire 50-year arc of the LGBT civil rights movement. Everything from Stonewall onward is not history to us, it’s life experience to us.”

The sharpest memories of discrimination for Bell seem to be the HIV/AIDS crisis that killed hundreds of thousands of LGBTQ people across the U.S. during the 1980s. The epidemic peaked in 2004, killing 1.9 million in one year, according to UNAIDS, a United Nations advocacy agency.

Patients with HIV/AIDs, as well as other LGBTQ people at the time, faced discrimination in health care, employment, housing — and the community was forced to create its own safe spaces.

“Many of the brick-and-mortar institutions that exist in the LGBT community are those that we had to build ourselves because we could not seek shelter or care in other places,” Bell told ABC News.

PHOTO: Lujira Cooper, 73, is an Edie Windsor SAGE Center participant in New York.
Lujira Cooper, 73, is an Edie Windsor SAGE Center participant in New York.

Bell lives in one of few spaces created specifically for LGBTQ elderly people in the country. New York, California and Illinois are among the states where inclusive housing is easier to obtain, and organizations like SAGE are trying to help ensure access to more.

SAGE is working to build housing specifically designed for LGBTQ elders, to change laws and policies that protect elders from discrimination, and offer centers, programs and more to keep elders safe while they live alone.

They work with local legislators and partner on initiatives to address discrimination and safety issues.

However, Adams said, they can’t do the work alone.

“We need people in power — our legislators, our governors — to understand that our elders have given so much to our society,” he said. “They have worked so hard over so many decades, and it is profoundly wrong that because of who they love, and because of who they are, that in the later years of their life, they are left completely vulnerable to discrimination mistreatment. That has to change.”

Lujira Cooper, a 73-year-old lesbian woman, has never been had to hide her sexuality, but she said she understands the pain that being closeted, or re-closeted, can cause.

“It’s a form of isolation, traumatic, and I can see it creating a case of more suicides,” Cooper explained. “You don’t want to have to go through that again just to get a place to live and be safe and cared for and comfortable. And it’s a fight, and unfortunately it’s a fight that’s still going on.”

For National Coming Out Day, Oct. 11, Cooper urges people of all sexualities and gender identities to stand up for LGBTQ seniors — people who’ve played big roles in the gay rights movement’s success.

“Community is really important and finding like-minded people who will fight with and for you is a major task for senior LGBT people,” Cooper said.

Adams agrees: “We had to fight for the right to get old. We’re not willing to accept that we’re going to be treated like pariahs and made invisible in our old age. We won’t accept that.”

Complete Article HERE!

As menopause hit, my libido waned, my brain felt dull.

So I gave testosterone a try.

By Tara Ellison

As menopause hit, I found I wasn’t as interested in intimacy as I used to be. Sex started to feel like a box that needed to be checked a couple of times a week, and that was causing problems in my marriage.

But it wasn’t just sex. I felt was slowing down in many areas. After hot flashes in my 40s had sent me running to the gynecologist for help, I’d been using bioidentical creams to balance my declining hormones.

When, at 51, I confided to a friend that I’d had limited success with what my doctor prescribed, she said that she was thriving on something called hormonal “pellets.” I grilled her about them and then made an appointment with her practitioner, an internal medicine doctor.

He ordered extensive lab work, which showed that my testosterone levels were very low, which can happen with aging. The doctor said I had two options: do nothing, which he said would eventually likely lead to loss of muscle, decreased bone density and a host of other health complications. Or up my testosterone.

Testosterone therapy for women is a hotly debated subject. Studies suggest that testosterone can heighten libido in women with hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), at least in the short term. A recent statement by a group of international medical societies involved with women’s health endorsed the use of testosterone therapy in women for HSDD, and specifically excluded pellets and injectables as “not recommended.” It also cautioned there was not enough data to support the use of testosterone therapy for cognitive performance.

Women make between four to 10 times as much testosterone as estrogen, which the body can convert to estrogen. Despite its significance, no testosterone products designed for women are on the market and approved by the Food and Drug Administration. (Two non-testosterone, libido-focused drugs are available for premenopausal women.)

For men, the benefits of testosterone are well-documented — improved mood, sexual function and stronger bones — and more than 30 FDA-approved products are available, according to the agency. But long-term studies in women are lacking, including the effects on those who have a history of breast or uterine cancers and liver or cardiovascular disease. Although studies say testosterone is widely used in women, its use is considered off-label.

The pellets my doctor proposed are unregulated, and not recommended by the North American Menopause Society (NAMS) because of their high doses of testosterone and unpredictable absorption.

“There are a lot of misconceptions for the potential benefits of testosterone,” said Cynthia A. Stuenkel, clinical professor of medicine at the University of California at San Diego’s School of Medicine and past president of NAMS. “You’re going to lose fat mass. You’re going to gain muscle mass. You’re going to think more clearly. You’re going to reduce your risk of breast cancer. You’re going to improve your mood, and I think the global consensus pretty much dispels those proposed benefits.”

But I was desperate to feel better and at the time wasn’t deterred by some possible side effects, which included acne, facial hair growth and a lowered voice. And my friend was clearly convinced testosterone had helped her. The tiny dissolvable pellets, containing estrogen and testosterone, were inserted beneath the skin on my mid-buttock and would last between three to five months. If I developed any side effect, on the next re-up date we could adjust the dose or discontinue, my doctor said.

The insertion process took less than 10 minutes and about five days to kick in. I didn’t have to wait long to see improvement.

Within weeks, I was feeling good — my brain felt clearer — and my libido was in full swing again. It was hard to pass my husband in the kitchen without reaching over to touch him.

I can’t rule out a placebo effect of course, but having a jolt of testosterone seemed to make me more focused — I got things done. One morning in the magnifying mirror, however, I noticed a definite uptick in facial hair.< My husband liked the increased sexual activity and joked that he didn’t have to endure discussions about my feelings anymore since I had gotten more direct in my conversations with him. I also found I was more driven to work. Just generally, I felt more confident and it seemed like people responded to me differently because of that. And rather than being finely attuned to my spouse’s desires, I was pursuing my own. Was all this biochemical or, again, could it have been a placebo effect? “There are strong placebo effects for sexuality in research on aids for sexuality and research on testosterone,” she said. “Our culture has long painted women’s sexuality as a problem; when women have lower desire than men, the women’s desire is seen as too low or ‘hypoactive’ and, when their desire is higher than male partners, the women’s desire is seen as too high or ‘out of control.’ As a result, medical and other interventions for women’s sexuality, especially desire, are best viewed with a healthy skepticism: Are these interventions addressing a problem within the women or a problem created by gendered norms? Should the solution address women and their bodies or gendered prescriptions?” Women and the waxing and waning of sexual desire is a complex and tricky subject. But I was starting to wonder why there seemed to be fewer options available for women and less research about those options. Was the gender disparity slowing down progress for women’s sexual health? There seems to be an attitude of, “You’re past menopause, you’re not making babies anymore, what does it matter?” said Sharon J. Parish, a professor of medicine in clinical psychiatry and of clinical medicine at Weill Cornell Medical College. James Simon, clinical professor at George Washington University and a past-president of both the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health and NAMS, said “a lot more money” is available for research into men’s sexual health and “where there’s money, you have direct-to-consumer advertising. You have additional research and development. You have glitzy ads and promotions, et cetera., this is not a new subject for men or men’s sexual health.” Viagra, he said, which men can take for their sexual performance issues, just had its 23rd birthday. He added, “I think women’s sexual health has been largely neglected or put aside or denigrated or minimized because it took more time, was harder to measure, had less money and cachet involved, and it was easy for many in the medical community to do that, and women did not, and still to some degree, do not demand more, and that allows this to perpetuate.” Six months later, when I saw my gynecologist and said that I was using pellets, she looked alarmed and advised me to get off them as soon as possible. “They’re scary,” she told me and referred me to a recent article and study about worrisome side effects, among them mood swings, abnormal uterine bleeding and also greater likelihood of having to undergo hysterectomy when on the hormonal therapy.

Where you get into trouble is when women are given super high doses of testosterone.

“Keeping the total testosterone in the physiologic range, closer to where women were pre-menopause, without exceeding that level and giving excess testosterone, is the goal,” Parish said. “Pellets are extremely problematic; we don’t support those, because they result in what’s called super-physiologic ranges and can result in toxicity, and we don’t have safety data supporting that.”

Susan R. Davis, an endocrinologist and director of the Women’s Health Research Program in the School of Public Health and Preventive Medicine at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, said instead of pellets women seeking help “would be better off using a testosterone gel or equivalent that’s approved for men and using a micro dose or a fraction of the dose. . . .

“You can do a blood test to make sure [a woman] is not going over the female limit,” she added. “You can vary the dose, and you can cut back the dose if she starts getting side effects” — unlike pellets, which stop working only after they’ve slowly disintegrated. Once a pellet has been inserted, it’s very hard to get it out if an issue develops.

“I think testosterone is important for women,” Davis said, “but we’ve got to be very cautious how we administer it and we need products approved for women. That’s what we need. It’s a bit like Goldilocks: there’s too much, too little, and just right, and if you use too much it’s bad. Higher doses are actually worse for sexual function. Women start to feel agitated, irritable, negative mood, so too much is bad. So, there is a ‘just right’ dose.”

Stuenkel, past president of NAMS, added: “If you’re going to do it, I think the transdermal preparations [patches that stick on the skin] make sense [since they] are FDA approved” — although for men’s dosing. “And so that’s not great, but I think in many ways it’s safer.”

Yet, for many women, dissatisfied with gels and the like, pellets can seem worth the risk — at least for a trial run.

In my case, I had gone from having no interest in sex to wanting lots of sex. But it hadn’t been the salve that I had imagined.

My relationship with my husband was undergoing a systems update. While I was feeling much better and my behavior reflected that, there were some things about the old operating system that my husband missed. Our relationship had always been a bit “old school” — my world revolved around keeping my man happy. I could take his emotional temperature at a glance. I tried to match his hectic pace, even when I knew I needed rest, and I had always been willing to put his needs before my own. But that wasn’t sustainable over the course of a marriage.

I wondered what if my lack of sexual interest before pellets wasn’t just physiological but reflected the result of needing something different from my relationship to fuel and sustain our intimacy?

Low testosterone didn’t create the problems in my relationship but it made us more aware of them. We had long standing dynamics that needed to shift and change. We needed to have some difficult conversations to help us develop a deeper connection. A more satisfying emotional intimacy that could then naturally lead to increased sexual desire.

Testosterone may make you feel like having sex again but I discovered it’s not a magic bullet to solve everything.

It has been two years and given the long-term safety concerns about the pellets, I’ve decided to give them up when the current batch melts away — but I’m not giving up testosterone entirely. I’m considering using a patch or gel next.

The absorption might not be as effective, but at least I’d have more control over the dosage.

It may not fix everything, but finding the right balance between estrogen and testosterone — one that feels right in both my body and my marriage — seems worth it.

Complete Article HERE!

Talking to Your Partner When You Struggle with Hypogonadism

Communication is key for taking on this difficult condition

By Mark Gurarie

Generally unrecognized and often undiagnosed, hypogonadism can significantly impact relationships. Characterized by low levels of sex hormones, especially testosterone, it can arise due to physical injury, congenital defects, cancer or cancer treatmenst, benign tumors, or as a result of other conditions, such as older age, obesity, and metabolic syndrome (a group of conditions that can lead to heart disease, diabetes, and stroke), among others.1

What makes this condition particularly challenging for relationships is the way that hypogonadism impacts intimacy. Among its most prominent symptoms is low libido (sex drive), as well as mood and emotional changes. Men can also experience erectile dysfunction (ED).1 This can lead to severe relationship problems, making it essential that you and your partner are proactive and ready to support each other.

These may not be easy conversations to have, but they’re critical. If you or your partner suffers from hypogonadism, establishing a supportive dialogue is where the road to coping and living well with the condition starts.

The Impact of Hypogonadism

Given the nature of hypogonadism—and the wide range of causes and associated conditions—talking about it means understanding the impact it can have on you or your loved one. In many cases it’s a chronic condition, and ongoing therapy—often taking hormone replacement therapy—is necessary, making management a constant and evolving challenge.

How does hypogonadism affect relationships? Here’s a quick breakdown:2

  • Mental health: Studies have found a distinct association between hypogonadism and depression in both men and women of all ages. Rates of anxiety and bipolar disorder are also higher among this population, which can affect relationship quality, sexual satisfaction, and overall quality of life.
  • Sexual satisfaction: Given its effects on sexual function and libido, this condition significantly impacts assessments of sexual satisfaction. According to a 2021 study, up to 26% of males and 20%–50% of females with hypogonadism were sexually inactive. Problems with sex are often at the root of relationship issues and they can affect other aspects of mental health, as well.  
  • Erectile dysfunction (ED): Males with hypogonadism experience a much higher rate of ED, an inability to obtain or maintain an erection. A study of hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, a chronic congenital form of the condition, found that up to 53.2% of males reported this issue. This can further affect relationship health and is associated with higher levels of depression and anxiety and lower quality of life.

Managing and living with hypogonadism is a multifaceted affair. It means recognizing symptoms, it means getting medical help and keeping up with medications and appointments, and it means tending to mental health and relationships. Communication is crucial in all of these areas. Though it isn’t easy, you and your partner will have to have open discussions about this condition and what it’s like to live with it.

Loss of sexual desire is a hallmark of hypogonadism, as is erectile dysfunction, and it can be a chief source of relationship problems. Though it may not be easy to talk about your sex life, it is very important to do so. For both partners, imbalances in sexual desire are associated with less satisfaction in the relationship and higher levels of tension and frustration.3

What are some approaches to broaching this subject? What are strategies you can use to boost communication? Here are some tips:

  • Educate yourself: Whether you’re the one with hypogonadism or your partner is, it’s important to learn as much as you can about the condition. Your doctor or healthcare provider can direct you to educational resources, and there are many available online.4
  • Kitchen-table conversation: It’s a good idea to broach the topic of sex in a neutral setting. Bringing up sexual problems or dissatisfaction while in bed can cause negative associations with intimacy.5
  • Direct communication: In order to promote effective dialogue, use “I” statements, rather than “you” statements when having the discussion. Explaining how you feel—rather than what your partner is or is not doing—and what your aims are is a good starting point.4
  • Be open: For both partners, managing low libido means being open-minded, both to each other’s needs and to ways of restoring intimacy. It’s also worth discussing other health factors that may be affecting your relationship and whether to consider therapy or other ways to work on the relationship.5

While talking about how you’re being affected by hypogonadism and airing your feelings may seem intimidating, it’s necessary work. When it comes to issues of intimacy and sex, being open is the best policy. What you don’t want to do is hide your condition from your spouse or partner, as this can only make matters worse.

Ultimately, hypogonadism can be medically managed, and most who get treatment are able to live well with it. Good communication with your partner will prove essential as you take it on, and it can lay the groundwork for an even stronger relationship. The most important thing is to not stay silent.

Complete Article HERE!

New ways to think about sex

An enjoyable sexual relationship can happen without traditional intercourse.

By Matthew Solan

People’s bodies change over time. Probably nowhere is this most telling than with their sex lives.

For men, sexual drive can slow as hormone production naturally drops, and it’s common to experience erectile dysfunction or health issues that can interfere with sexual performance.

Women can have their own physical barriers to sex, such as vaginal dryness and lower libido after menopause. All of these issues can make conventional sex problematic and stressful for both parties.

“Even though older adults go through physical changes, they often expect their sex life to stay the way it was decades earlier, and that is just not always realistic,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Still, there are many ways to continue a strong, healthy sexual relationship without always relying on regular intercourse. Couples should see this new phase of their sex lives as an opportunity to explore different and exciting ways to satisfy each other.”

Redefining sex

The first step older couples should take is to re-examine their definition of “sex.” “Don’t give in to the idea of a so-called normal sex life being narrowly defined,” says Dr. Bober. “Sex refers to a broad spectrum, and there are many places you can land.”

Examine what sex now means to you and your partner. This could mean changing how you pleasure each other, routines you follow, and frequency — as well as making compromises about expectations. “Don’t assume there is only one way to have a sexual relationship,” says Dr. Bober. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

Your relationship status also can shape this new idea of sex. For instance, some couples may enjoy a connection based more on companionship, where the emphasis is on emotional bonding and spending quality time together and less on the physical side.

Language of love

As with most aspects of a strong relationship, communication is vital. “The more you avoid talking about your sex lives, the bigger the issues become,” says Dr. Bober.

Of course, talking about sex isn’t always easy, but most partners are open and willing to discuss and share if given a chance. “Often partners aren’t sure how to begin the conversation, so it never happens,” she says. There are many ways to initiate a sex dialogue. Here are some suggestions:

Seek permission. Begin the conversation positively. For instance, say something like “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us” or “Our sex life has been on my mind and I have been wondering if I could share some of my thoughts. Is it okay to talk about it?”

By asking for permission, you can broach the topic without intimidating your partner. “This initial conversation is not about making demands, but about finding ways to explore mutual goals,” says Dr. Bober.

Invite a response. Make it clear you want to hear your partner’s feelings too. For example, say, “I’ve been wondering how you feel about our sex life. What has sex been like for you?” Inviting partners to participate can prevent them from feeling defensive and shows you care about their experience and input, says Dr. Bober.

Express what you both want. Talk about what you both hope to gain from this new sexual relationship, such as more excitement, greater closeness, or even reconnection. “Sharing your needs and expectations helps your partner express theirs, so you both can come to some kind of mutual understanding,” says Dr. Bober.

Different ways to satisfy

Once you’ve had these talks, then you both can look for different ways to approach your new sex life.

Dr. Bober says a good place to begin is with “outercourse.” Here, the attention and energy are directed toward foreplay and manual stimulation with your partner, like massages, hugging, petting, kissing, or just snuggling naked in bed.

“The emphasis is on intimacy and closeness without any big expectations of intercourse,” says Dr. Bober. “This can take the pressure off both partners and eliminate some of the stress and anxiety of having regular sex. It also shows that you can interact with your partner in various satisfying ways.”

Penetration is not always needed to achieve pleasure or orgasm for both people. Instead, try sexual aids like vibrators as well as manual stimulation, masturbation, and oral sex.

As you explore ways to stay intimate, be mindful that every couple is unique.

“A sexual relationship is defined by the two people in it and nobody else,” says Dr. Bober. “Focus on what matters to you and your partner. Your sex lives may have changed, but together you can discover what’s best for each other and your relationship.”

Complete Article HERE!

Male menopause

— Is it real? Should I care?

Hormone changes are a normal part of aging for both men and women. The terms “male menopause” and “manopause” have been used to describe decreasing testosterone levels associated with aging. The medical term for it is andropause. And it’s different than menopause.

A man’s hormone levels typically drop differently than a woman’s. For men, the decline is much more gradual. On average, a man’s testosterone levels decline about 1% a year, starting about age 40.

Dr. Alan Kelton, internal medicine specialist and faculty member with UCSF Fresno, says low testosterone is more common if you’re overweight.

“About one in three men that are overweight and in their 40s may have it,” says Dr. Kelton, “and certainly by the time men turn 70, about 30% will have measurably low testosterone levels.”

The typically gradual decline means many men never report any symptoms. But when they do, the most common symptoms are sexual:

  • Reduced sexual desire
  • Fewer morning erections
  • Erectile dysfunction

Other symptoms — including a general lack of energy, decreased joy for life and moodiness — are sometimes associated with low testosterone levels, but can have many other causes.

How can I tell if my levels are low?

Testosterone levels can be measured with a simple blood test. But unlike other lab work, your doctor isn’t likely to run this test unless you ask for it. If you’re having symptoms that might be related to low male hormones and if those symptoms trouble you, then speak up and ask your doctor for a test.

If the results indicate a deficiency, the test is often repeated to confirm the results. Confirmed low testosterone levels can lead directly to treatment, but often lead first to more tests to find the root cause.

What are the treatment options?

There’s basically one medical treatment for low testosterone levels — hormone replacement therapy — but there are several ways to deliver it. Injections, creams, tablets and patches can all be used to boost male hormone levels.

Dr. Kelton says it’s important to have realistic expectations about hormone replacement therapy and understand it won’t magically turn you into the muscular older men we see in the movies and on TV. “The truth is that most older men [who get hormone replacement therapy] will have an increase in sexual desire, with or without an increase in sexual functioning,” says Dr. Kelton. “You don’t get more strength, you don’t get more energy, but you do get an improvement in some of the sexual symptoms.”

There can be downsides to hormone replacement therapy too. Dr. Kelton warns, “Testosterone itself seems to contribute to plaque in the coronary arteries. You can get some increased cholesterol buildup or at least on a temporary basis. A man can also have an increase in their blood counts and sometimes at levels high enough to increase the risk of stroke. And if a man has sleep apnea, they’ll have more sleep apnea with testosterone replacement therapy.”

Lifestyle changes can also reverse many of the symptoms of low hormone levels. Dr. Kelton says, “If a man is not sleeping well, is not eating well, is overweight and not exercising, they’re going to have all of the symptoms of low male hormone. By reversing many of those things, testosterone levels can improve, and sometimes dramatically so.”

Focusing on better sleep, boosting nutrition and adding in more exercise can improve testosterone levels.

Is treatment really necessary?

Dr. Kelton says men should talk to their doctor and make an honest effort to make positive lifestyle changes before deciding on hormone replacement therapy. And in the end, he stresses that the numbers aren’t the most important thing. 

“Aging is a personal experience. For some men, it’s distressing to have a decrease in sexual functioning and sexual desire and they may report symptoms early on in life, even when their male hormone levels are completely normal. Other men see their decrease in sexual functioning and desire as just part of a normal part of aging and they’re not really bothered by it.”

Complete Article HERE!

Over 60s want to end the stigma and show sex doesn’t have an age limit

40% of people believe the desire for sex decreases with age

By

Unless it’s a cutesy couple holding hands who’ve been married for 50 years, sexual romance between two people over 60 is often cast aside.

Like in many other contexts, our relationship with ageing is strange – viewed as unattractive, we distance ourselves from it.

But if you are sexually active and under 60, is it an appealing thought to think others will view you as being ‘past it’ come retirement?

Sex doesn’t have an age limit, as a study from sexual toy company We-Vibe shows.

Their survey of 14,500 people globally found that 40% have the idea that sexual desire decreases with age, but people over 55 also surveyed rated their own libidos as being similar or on par with younger people.

Separately, an age study based in Berlin found that senior citizens were having more sex than younger generations.

The assumption that come retirement, people essentially cease to be sexual beings shuts down important conversations around older age sex.

‘By making senior sex a taboo topic, we stigmatize and infantilize a huge portion of our population. Sex has no expiration date,’ senior sex author Joan Price tells Metro.co.uk.

‘By closing down the conversation, seniors who need solid information or advice won’t get it, won’t even dare ask.

‘By keeping senior sex in the dark, we hurt and shame people. Let’s accept that sex is a part of life whether we’re 25 or 75 or beyond. If we’re lucky, we’ll all age.

‘Sex affects our health, intimacy, pleasure, and sense of wellbeing. It’s part of life,’ she adds.

It can lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and boost happiness – things that matter in old age especially as this generation is particularly vulnerable to experiencing loneliness.

Speaking on his sex life, 76-year-old Rory says: ‘I don’t do it as often as I used to, but it is something to enjoy in a very warm, loving and comfortable way as compared to the past.

‘There was a lot of pressure to have the “perfect” sex when I was younger, but I have learnt now, that orgasming is not everything.’

For 73-year-old Peter, tired stereotypes around age and sex don’t reflect in his life at all.

‘It’s not exclusive to the young. The younger generation often think: “You’re 73 and you are still thinking about sex – you’re a pervert”.

‘However, the older you get has got nothing to do with how you feel about sex.’

He adds that by his age, you’ve learnt how to have ‘good’ sex.

Julia Henchen, a sex therapist, says sex also can improve with age due to having a better relationship with the self.

Explaining that sexuality doesn’t retire, she says: ‘This is actually a huge myth, because most of the time sex tends to get better with age.

‘It has to do with the fact that people have better access to their own bodies at an older age.’

This rings true for 66-year-old Toni, who tells us sex is better due to knowing her body more.

‘I find sex much better now than I used to in my teens.

‘It was only after menopause that I discovered that I can get to about three in a row,’ she shares.

When speaking on past versus present sexual experiences, confidence was a recurring theme – this is something else older generations want younger people to realise and learn from.

‘If I could go back in time, the one piece of advice that I would give myself is to enjoy myself.

‘Don’t worry about what you look like, don’t worry about your tummy, don’t worry about funny angles, just let yourself go. I have experienced the best sex not when I was young, but in my later years,’ Lesley, 66, says.

Though it isn’t always perfect – ageing naturally changes the body and brings about a new sex of challenges while having sex.

She continues, speaking on a more recent encounter: ‘I used to quite like standing up but my knees have given up the ghost now.

‘The last time I tried that I was screeching out because of my knees and of course the chap thought that I was in throes of passion. It was quite hilarious.’

Rather than see the inevitable changes as limitations, Lesley is able to see the fun still available to her.

Sexologist Dr Jess O’Reily tells us that the problem she sees most in clients is lubrication, often recommending lube and various toys to help make sex pleasurable.

‘If you see the changes that come with age as an opportunity, you’ll likely to discover new erogenous zones, more creative ways to arouse your body, more meaningful ways to connect with a partner and even more exciting ways to orgasm.’

Rather than acquaint ageing with a limited and diminished sex drive, old age actually be the key to confident, explorative sex.

Complete Article HERE!

Leather and Aging

by

Let me begin this column with what some might consider a five-letter word that’s taboo: A-G-I-N-G. I’ve been thinking a fair amount about aging lately, especially as it relates to the leather/BDSM/fetish community.

I have written in this column about leather and aging before (in 2001, 2002, and 2007). But two things have prompted me to revisit the topic. One thing was a conversation I had with several other people at the last in-person leather event I attended in 2020. That was the Mr. Twin Cities Leather contest, the evening of Saturday, Feb. 15th. During conversation after that contest, several people were talking about starting a discussion group for leatherfolk of a certain age. “I’m interested,” I said, “please let me know when it gets going.” And then . . . well, we all know what happened next.

The other thing that has prompted me to think about leather and aging was Patrick Scully’s recent virtual show, “The 3rd Act,” presented by Illusion Theater. In this play Scully asks himself: “Can I embrace becoming old, particularly in this ageist society?” Both Scully’s play and the virtual audience discussion that followed were extremely interesting and thought-provoking. Scully talked about the play as something of a work in progress. If he presents it again, I highly recommend going to see it, whatever your age. (At this writing, a video of the virtual audience discussion is still available online at www.illusiontheater.org/the-3rd-act )

Having hung around the leather/BDSM/fetish community for quite a few years, I have seen a lot of what makes this community tick. One thing that makes it tick is respect for age and experience. This respect is, to a great extent, baked into leather culture— the importance and centrality of mentoring in our community’s culture translates to respect for age and experience.

Those of us who are older, including your humble columnist, still have to deal with ageism in other places. But it’s nice to know that in leather we have to deal with it less.

In some ways age is irrelevant in this community—or, at least, age is not as important as other qualities and aspects of peoples’ character. Young, old, and in-between are all respected and accommodated. One interesting thing about leather is that it decouples chronological age and age in the community, also known as experience. A person who might still be considered young chronologically, but who has been in the community for a long time, may mentor a newcomer who is chronologically older. And that’s no big deal—it’s just the way the community and the culture works.

I think elders are respected more in the leather community than in the general culture. We respect our elders for their stories, their wisdom, their experience, their history, and their perseverance. We seek out our more experienced members for discussion panels and for educational presentations on history, culture, and technique. Many younger members of the community truly understand that they have benefited from their elders’ efforts of blazing new trails. We leatherfolk might have something to teach the general culture about anti-ageism.

Here’s a concrete example of anti-ageism in the leather/BDSM/fetish community: I once attended a workshop on the subject of “geriatric dungeons.” First, the fact that “geriatric dungeons” were even being talked about lends credence to the fact that getting older does not have to mean giving up sexual activity or BDSM activity. Second, talking about “geriatric dungeons” is a mark of respect for older members of the community—the community values them enough to want to include them in dungeon play, and the community is willing to adapt dungeon spaces to make this possible. Third, one of the conclusions of the workshop was that creating dungeons that worked better for more mature players actually meant creating dungeons that worked better for everyone, of any age.

Another example of leather respect for maturity: The Knights of Leather, a Twin Cities- based leather club, hosts an annual run called Tournament. The run is held in a beautiful rustic setting. But some of us who once enjoyed “roughing it” by sleeping in rustic cabins are no longer able to do that.

So for many years Tournament has featured the Elderhostel guest house for some of the more mature people attending the run. For these more mature people, the amenities provided by the Elderhostel make the difference between being able to keep attending Tournament and having to give it up. The existence of the Elderhostel also considerably broadens the age range of people seen at Tournament. Here is one measure of the Elderhostel’s success: There is a waiting list to get in.

The same respect for maturity is evident at leather contests. Every year, for example, the contestants at the International Mr. Leather and International Mr. Bootblack (IML/ IMBB) contests represent a wide range of ages. And I think it’s significant that both the first IML titleholder (David Kloss, IML 1979) and the first International Ms Leather titleholder (Judy Tallwing McCarthy, IMsL 1987) are still relevant and still respected. (I recently saw a virtual presentation by the Leather Archives & Museum in which Tallwing McCarthy shared reminiscences. It was fascinating!) And there are other examples of titleholders from many contests who have stayed involved and relevant in the leather/ BDSM/fetish community over many years.

For my final, and perhaps most personal, example of age being respected in leather, I need look no further than the former leather columnist for the Bay Area Reporter in San Francisco, the legendary Mr. Marcus. He started writing his leather column in 1971 and continued writing his column, and judging leather contests, for the next 38 years. He was still active and relevant when he died in 2009 at age 77.

Everyone is growing older—all the time. May we all, of whatever age, have the blessing of growing older and still staying relevant and respected.

Complete Article HERE!