Category Archives: Sex And Aging

Mellow With Age

Name: Bob
Gender: Male
Age: 54
Location: Laguna Beach
As an older man, I’ve started having performance problems. Unfortunately there’s no decrease in my libido. I think some of my problem is psychological. I’m also HIV+. And I find myself worrying about transmission even with condoms. But some of the problem is physical. I do wear a cockring and that helps I guess. Is there anything else I can do to increase my performance to match my libido?

Thanks for your comment and question. Your concern is a familiar one. Men regularly present this problem in my private practice and I also have a personal familiarity with the issue in my own life.

Diminished performance, at least in terms of a perpetually stiff dick, is a natural occurrence as we age. There was a time when I thought this was a major problem. I don’t think like that now. These days I’m helping my older clients (and myself) appreciate the full range of sensuality that is the unique purview of us more seasoned lovers. I’ve always felt that as gay men we are too genitally focused, especially when it comes at the expense of all the other pleasure zones our bodies have been gifted with.Kedori - Eileen Gray Bibendum Armchair

The rushed, hormonally driven sex of my youth has matured into a slower, more relaxed and sensual sexuality that I am thoroughly enjoying. This has been one of the very best gifts of the aging process. It’s even having an effect on my younger partners and they are appreciative.

So I no longer equate performance with a stiff dick. For those times when I absolutely need a rock-hard hardon a cock ring does just fine. I’m aware that I may need more time to achieve this kind of erection, but I’m not just twiddling my thumbs while I’m waiting, if ya know what I mean. I am no longer frustrated by this natural phenomenon, because I no longer have unrealistic expectations.

I realize that many men are using with an erection-enhancing medication such as Viagra, but I suggest that this be reserved for those who are truly experiencing erection dysfunction.

I’m also concerned with the alarming rise of younger men, men in their 20’s and 30’s who are using Viagra or another similar drugs recreationally. This is very troubling. If your young body is having difficulty producing an erection, then you need medical attention ASAP, or maybe you just need some sleep. However, if you’re abusing Viagra just so you can have an erection that lasts for hours that’s a real bad idea for several reasons. Not least of which is your body will habituate itself to that stuff and you will find that, in time, you won’t be able to get it up at all without ever increasing doses of Viagra.

viagra cartoonThis is gonna fuck up your cardiovascular system big time. In fact, you may very well be inducing the very sexual dysfunction the drug is supposed to help. Consider the person who overuses eye drops or lip balm or any number of otherwise innocuous health and beauty products. Their body will stop making the natural substances that these over the counter products are intended to assist. It’s counterproductive and it’s ill advised. If this is a problem with relatively harmless over the counter products, you know you are playing with fire when you’re abusing powerful prescription meds.

Whoops, sorry Bob, I went off topic there for a minute. It’s just that every opportunity I get to put out a message that will dissuade someone from hurting one’s self, I just launch into it.

So back to you. It is clear from what you tell me, your performance problems do, as you suggest, also have a psychological component to it. You have a fear that, despite being responsible in your sex play and even though you play safe, you could accidentally pass on HIV.

It’s true; one’s brain can indeed override almost every function of our body. For example, we draw each and every breath we take without even thinking about it. However, if a situation dictates our brain can and does override that essential pulmonary function and we can hold our breath. The same is true with our sexual response cycle. Sometimes we can become sexually aroused without really thinking about it. However, if for one reason or another our brain assisted by our conscience interferes with or even shuts down the sexual arousal, that’s pretty much, all she wrote.

Your scruples about the possibility that you could accidentally pass along HIV are interfering with your sexual response cycle. No cockring or an erection-enhancing medication is going to change that darlin’!

In other words, the problem is not in your cock, the problem is in your head. This is something you’re gonna have to wrestle with and finally resolve. This tension between your head and your dick is actually a good thing. Your body is providing you an opportunity to align your moral values with your sexual performance. How will this resolve itself? I couldn’t say. But I know for sure resolution is possible.

I do suggest, however, that you not try to do this in a vacuum. Reach out to a HIV support group or a sex-positive therapist for the help you need in making peace between your head and your cock.

Good luck

More SEX WISDOM with PJ Raval — Podcast #422 — 06/23/14


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

Award winning filmmaker and documentarian, PJ Raval is back with us again today to continue our discussion of his PJ 01groundbreaking move, Before You Know It. Like last week, he’s here as part of the SEX WISDOM series because his film shines a spotlight on an often-ignored segment of our youth-oriented culture, LGBT seniors and elders. And the result is nothing short of stunning.

But wait, you didn’t miss Part 1 of our conversation, did you? Well not to worry if ya did, because you can find it and all my podcasts in the Podcast Archive right here on my site. All ya gotta do is use the search function in the header; type in Podcast #420 and Voilà! But don’t forget the #sign when you do your search.

PJ and I discuss:

  • Difficulties faced by LGBT seniors and elders;
  • His earlier film, Trinidad;
  • Dennis, his alter ego, Dee, and his coming out story;
  • Rainbow Vista;
  • Ty and his work with the Harlem chapter of SAGE;
  • Robert “The Mouth” and his Texan drag bar;
  • Intertwining the three stories for the greatest effect;
  • Collaborating with other artistic people;
  • Sex and aging;
  • Queer Bomb;
  • Christeene.

PJ invites you to visit him on his movie’s site HERE! And be sure to like his film’s page on Facebook HERE! His movie even has its own twitter feed. You’ll find it HERE!

(Click on the movie poster below to find out more about PJ’s movie.)

before you know it

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: Fleshlight & FleshJack.

The SEX WISDOM of PJ Raval — Podcast #421 — 06/16/14


Hey sex fans, welcome back.

Our Pride Month extravaganza continues, but we will be shifting gears a bit today.PJ 02

After two weeks visiting with a noted Australian author, Benjamin Law, with his unique perspective on the gay scene in Asia, we circle back home to meet an equally remarkable personality who is making waves with his groundbreaking move, Before You Know It.

This is the SEX WISDOM show and I have the distinct pleasure of welcoming the award winning filmmaker and documentarian, PJ Raval. He is here to discuss his movie, which features three senior and elder gay men. I know, what in the world was he thinking?

PJ goes out of his way to make the invisible visible by shining his spotlight on an often-ignored segment of our youth-oriented culture and the result is nothing short of stunning. Stay tuned as we find out how and why.

PJ and I discuss:

  • Kyle Henry who brought us together;
  • The role of the editor in creating filmmaking art;
  • The documentary and how it is different from fictional story telling;
  • How he came to choose the film’s subject matter;
  • Storytelling tapping into something more universal;
  • The community of independent filmmakers;
  • The difference between documentary filmmaking and journalism;
  • His editorial style;
  • The public viewing experience;
  • Before You Know It…a cautionary message;
  • Who is PJ Raval;
  • How long it took him to create his film;
  • Chasing the money.

PJ invites you to visit him on his movie’s site HERE! And be sure to like his film’s page on Facebook HERE! His movie even has its own twitter feed. You’ll find it HERE!

(Click on the movie poster below to find out more about PJ’s movie.)

before you know it

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for all my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously. Just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

Today’s Podcast is bought to you by: DR DICK’S — HOW TO VIDEO LIBRARY.

drdickvod.jpg

Pretty is what pretty does

Name: Nanine
Gender: Female
Age: 50
Location: Kent, WA.
I have problems with my body image. My breasts really sag; my abdominal skin is very loose and hanging. It affects the sexual positions I want to get in. (on top) When I am with someone new, they will tell me that I am very beautiful (they assume I will be underneath as well) and with a feeling of dread I think “wait until you see me with my clothes off.” I know men are very visual. I am very visual! I want to be free to express myself sexually, and I do for the most part, but if I have someone who wants to see me naked or really look at me, it is very hard. Any ideas?

Yeah, men are visual, and if they think you are attractive with your cloths on, maybe that’s all they care about. And anyone who would raise an eyebrow at a middle-aged woman having a middle-aged woman’s body isn’t ready for all the seasoned lovin’ a hot middle-aged woman can offer. Am I right, or am I right?  Besides, darlin’ have you seen what middle-aged men look like in the buff?

beautiful middle-aged womanI am of the mind that those of us who have been around the block a time or ten, if ya know what I mean, should have bodies that look a little lived in. Those who can’t accept that oughta take a hike. That is if you ax me!

It’s like going for a job interview and the interviewer says, “We want all the experience you have, but we want it in a person half your age.” Really?  Well, fuck you very much!  That’s not gonna happen.

Listen, Nanine, the freedom you seek to express your sexuality without encumbrances is gonna flow from inside you, from the comfort level you have in being your own self, including your saggy tits or loose abdominal skin. You either embrace your sexy self with all your assets and liabilities, or ya don’t. And if ya don’t, then it’s your fault, not some shallow dude who might dismiss you for having less than a perfect body at age 50.

So many of us script ourselves right out of all the best sex and intimacy we desire. We foolishly buy into the dominant culture’s ideas and norms of what is attractive and what is not and we do it at our own peril.

Give yourself a break, hun, be proud of those less than perky tits of yours and let your tummy hang-the fuck-out all over the place. Stand against the popular culture’s notion of beauty, vitality, and sexiness; don’t feed it. And I certainly discourage you from projecting society’s judgmental attitudes on your potential partners. After all, they may be way more liberated than you.

Good luck

Early Spring 2014 Q&A Show — Podcast #413 — 03/31/14


Hey sex fans,rifleman

After a spate of marvelous interview shows, it’s time to turn our attention to the sexually worrisome in our audience. I have a swell Q&A show in store for you today, which just so happens to be our last podcast before our annual spring break. Each of my correspondents is eager to share his or her sex and relationship concerns with us. And I will do my level best to make my responses informative, enriching and maybe even a little entertaining. And I think there will be enough time for us to do some sex science too. So please stay tuned, you won’t want to miss this.

  • Kennedy, Jim, and Ronald’s lives are being fucked up by meth.
  • Sam wants to know about and share some information about penis pumps.
  • Rebecca has a heartbreaking story to tell of the last days before her husband of 46 years died.
  • Tracy asks about babies and gender. So you know it’s time for some Sex Science.

Today’s podcast is bought to you by: Dr Dick’s Sex Advice and Dr Dick’s Sex Toy Reviews.

BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!

Look for my podcasts on iTunes. You’ll find me in the podcast section, obviously, or just search for Dr Dick Sex Advice. And don’t forget to subscribe. I wouldn’t want you to miss even one episode.

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