Category: AGING

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Can Marijuana Ease Your Hot Flashes?

Advice from a Menopause Expert

If you’re considering trying pot to escape hot flash hell, here’s guidance on the best way to do that, and the science of why it might help.

By Lauren Streicher, MD

If you’ve heard a friend mention that she’s easing hot flashes and other annoying side effects of menopause with marijuana, she’s not alone: In a 2020 study, 27% of menopausal women reported that they used some form of cannabis—the scientific name of the marijuana plant—to alleviate hot flashes, insomnia, vaginal dryness, mood swings, and brain fog. That’s more than 1 in 4 women—compare that to the mere 7% of women who take systemic estrogen to alleviate symptoms. Women are smoking pot, drinking cannabis-laced beverages, and infusing marijuana in oil and putting it not only on their avocado toast but also on their vulva and in their vagina.

Join Dr. Streicher and other experts for a conversation about menopause on October 18. Sign up for free today!

Turning to cannabis to ease menopausal symptoms isn’t new either: According to historian Ethan Russ, cannabis was used as far back as the 7th century for myriad women’s ailments. It even pops up as a treatment of meno­pause in the 1899 edition of the Merck Manual, a popu­lar medical textbook. At the turn of that century, all the major pharmaceutical companies—Eli Lilly, Parke-Davis (now Pfizer), and Squibb—sold cannabis as a powder, tablet, and tincture.

So what’s the story—can smoking a joint or imbibing cannabis in some other way really cool the heat and soothe other menopause symptoms? (Before you jump in, remember: Marijuana isn’t legal everywhere. Check out this map to find out the status of legalization in your state.)

Are there studies on marijuana and hot flashes?

Though there are some wildly enthusiastic anecdotal reports about the effectiveness of pot to ease hot flashes, there have been inadequate scientific studies—meaning studies done on large groups of women over an extended period of time, with a control group using fake pot as a comparison. In other words, when it comes to cannabinoids (the compounds found in cannabis), there aren’t the kinds of studies that are required for pharmaceutical agents to become FDA-approved. In addition, most studies on the effect of cannabinoids include only men—and women are not little men.

Aside from being expensive, studies on the impact of cannabis on menopause symptoms would be difficult to conduct. The pharmacology is complex: There are well over 100 cannabinoids, and all have different physical and psychological effects. The dosage and type of cannabis are difficult to standardize and are also dramatically altered by variables, such as the other medications someone might be taking.

Don’t get me wrong: I think the use of cannabinoids to relieve menopause symptoms is very promising, and based on the known properties of cannabinoids, there is good reason that they would be beneficial in alleviating many symptoms of menopause. It just would be nice to have more research as to what kind of cannabis and what dosage works best, so that I and other physicians can make informed recommendations to our patients. But having said that, here is what is known based on the science of cannabinoids as well as observational, anecdotal data.

The impact of cannabis on our bodies

First, an interesting fact: The human body makes its own cannabi­noids. The human endocannabinoid system is a complex, nerve-signaling system composed of neurotransmitters that bind to cannabinoid receptors. It’s responsible for regulating multiple body functions, including appetite, metabolism, pain, mood, learning, memory, sleep, stress, bone health, and cardiovascular health—pretty much ev­erything that keeps humans functional and balanced.

And it turns out that hormones, specifically estrogen, play a critical role in the endocannabinoid system, and some experts propose that the disruption in that system when estrogen is low is responsible for menopause symptoms—and they say it’s also why using cannabis can decrease hot flashes.

The marijuana plant and hot flashes

There are two cannabinoids extracted from the flow­er of the marijuana plant that have potential roles in managing menopause symp­toms: tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) and cannabidiol (CBD). And, no surprise, only the female flower contains these elements.

THC is the psychoactive component of cannabis (that’s the component that brings on the high). It mimics some aspects of the natural endocannabinoid in our bodies that helps regulate body temperature, which is theoretically why THC is the key to reducing hot flashes.

CBD is extracted from hemp flowers. It contains trace amounts of THC but doesn’t have psy­choactive properties, so it will not get you high. Although it may not reduce hot flashes specifically, it does decrease pain and inflam­mation, in addition to helping you get a good night’s sleep. (The anti-inflammatory properties of both cannabinoids also may help with bone loss and cardiovascular disease.)

So, does pot relieve hot flashes?

Since this hasn’t been scientifically studied, what I’m going to say is based on the known pharmacolo­gy of cannabinoids and anecdotal information from folks in this world. But yes, it does appear that cannabis can be effec­tive in decreasing the frequency and severity of hot flashes.

Again, the THC in cannabis mimics the endocannabinoid that helps regulate body temperature. This effect when using cannabis is dose dependent. Large amounts of THC cause your internal temperature to drop, while small amounts can cause your internal temperature to rise. In other words, THC can regulate your internal thermostat, but it is important to use the right amount.

How to use cannabis for hot flashes

Eat it? Smoke it? Rub it on? How you take cannabis is important—not only in terms of what it will do for you, but also when it comes to onset of action (meaning, how quickly it hits you) and potential side effects. The onset of action, peak levels, and total duration of ef­fect listed here are very approximate, but I’ve included them to give you an idea.

Smoking or vaping

Inhaling cannabis has the advantage of an immediate effect, but the disadvantage is potentially harming your re­spiratory tract. It’s also not an activity you can do discreetly.

Onset of action: Within minutes
Peak levels: About 15 to 30 minutes
Total duration: About two or more hours

Edibles

Edibles include foods infused with cannabis, such as gummies, chocolate, ice cream, smoothies, and cookies—the possibilities are endless. The effect is delayed, which sometimes leads to overdos­ing (more on that at the end). Edibles are not psychoactive unless they contain more than trace amounts of THC.

Onset of action: 30 to 90 minutes
Peak levels: Two to six hours
Total duration: At least four to eight hours

Sublinguals

Sublinguals are tinctures, sprays, or strips placed under the tongue that are quickly absorbed into the bloodstream through a plexus of blood vessels, rather than making the trip through the digestive system like edibles do. The advantage is a relatively quick onset of action, along with bypassing the gut and the lungs. Also, it appears that THC is absorbed better as a sublingual than as an edible.

Onset of action: Within minutes
Peak levels: About 10 minutes
Total duration: Hours or even days (highly variable)

What’s the right dose for cannabis?

I’ll give you some general dosing guidelines, but they are not based on scientific studies. I’m just telling you what’s being said by the experts I’ve talked to. The dosage is a free-for-all, and even the phar­macists who work in the industry and appear very knowl­edgeable are basing their recommendations on anecdotal reports and individual experience as opposed to scientific studies. Remember, most of the folks who work in dispen­saries are not medical practitioners, and they may not be aware of a potential drug interaction or other medical variables. Also, it’s a known fact that young women metabolize cannabis more slowly than men, and women who are post-menopause metabolize it more slowly than those who are pre-menopause. This makes sense, given that cannabis metabolism is fa­cilitated by estrogen, and women who are post-menopause don’t have any.

There is no one-size-fits-all dosing, and because cannabis is a botanical, you cannot count on the same level of con­sistency as you would with a commercial pharmaceutical. Keeping a journal is a good idea until you figure out what works best for you. Small, spaced-out doses (micro-dosing) is smart.

Here are guidelines for hot flash relief sup­plied by Luba Andrus, a registered pharmacist and cannabis pharma­cologist with whom I consulted; she routinely works with menopausal women.

Guidelines for THC

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • Start at 1.25 mg once or twice daily
  • Titrate up (increase the dose) every five to seven days
  • 2 mg to 4 mg works for most women

Guidelines for CBD

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • Use an indica-dominant product (a dispensary can guide you)
  • Start at 2.5 mg twice daily
  • Titrate up (increase the dose) every four to seven days
  • Continue until 20 mg is reached
  • Keep in mind that it can take upwards of 30 days to feel the full effect, so be patient.

Guidelines for THC/CBD-combined products

  • Sublingual is preferred
  • CBD/THC ratio should be 20:1 or higher (22% to 26% THC and 0.76% CBD is a common combo)
  • Products with a high THC:CBD ratio are best taken in the evening or at bedtime.

Heed these warnings

Cannabinoids have the potential to interact with cer­tain medicines, such as blood thinners and antiseizure drugs. In some cases, they can potentially make other medications less effective. Talk to your doctor!

Cannabis is generally felt to be safe, but the side effects may include brain fog, dry mouth, unsteady gait, diar­rhea, and drowsiness. A glass of water at the bedside is a good idea since you may wake up thirsty in the middle of the night. Some other important advice:

• Don’t drive while under the influence!

• Cannabis users need up to twice the sedation for med­ical procedures. If you partake, be sure to tell the an­esthesiologist.

• The effects of cannabinoids are dose related. Low to moderate doses appear to have positive effects on sex­ual function and responsiveness (loss of inhibition, in­creased sensitivity). High doses can be a problem and are associated with an increase in paranoia and anxiety. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing.

• Again, menopausal women are more vulnerable than men to an overdose. So especially when it comes to edibles, start at a low dose and make sure you wait 90 minutes before taking any more, because it can take that long for it to kick in. And keep in mind that many edibles are sold in individual servings of 10 mg of THC, which is way more than most menopausal women should be ingesting.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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New ways to think about sex

An enjoyable sexual relationship can happen without traditional intercourse.

By Matthew Solan

People’s bodies change over time. Probably nowhere is this most telling than with their sex lives.

For men, sexual drive can slow as hormone production naturally drops, and it’s common to experience erectile dysfunction or health issues that can interfere with sexual performance.

Women can have their own physical barriers to sex, such as vaginal dryness and lower libido after menopause. All of these issues can make conventional sex problematic and stressful for both parties.

“Even though older adults go through physical changes, they often expect their sex life to stay the way it was decades earlier, and that is just not always realistic,” says Dr. Sharon Bober, director of the Sexual Health Program at Harvard-affiliated Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. “Still, there are many ways to continue a strong, healthy sexual relationship without always relying on regular intercourse. Couples should see this new phase of their sex lives as an opportunity to explore different and exciting ways to satisfy each other.”

Redefining sex

The first step older couples should take is to re-examine their definition of “sex.” “Don’t give in to the idea of a so-called normal sex life being narrowly defined,” says Dr. Bober. “Sex refers to a broad spectrum, and there are many places you can land.”

Examine what sex now means to you and your partner. This could mean changing how you pleasure each other, routines you follow, and frequency — as well as making compromises about expectations. “Don’t assume there is only one way to have a sexual relationship,” says Dr. Bober. “It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.”

Your relationship status also can shape this new idea of sex. For instance, some couples may enjoy a connection based more on companionship, where the emphasis is on emotional bonding and spending quality time together and less on the physical side.

Language of love

As with most aspects of a strong relationship, communication is vital. “The more you avoid talking about your sex lives, the bigger the issues become,” says Dr. Bober.

Of course, talking about sex isn’t always easy, but most partners are open and willing to discuss and share if given a chance. “Often partners aren’t sure how to begin the conversation, so it never happens,” she says. There are many ways to initiate a sex dialogue. Here are some suggestions:

Seek permission. Begin the conversation positively. For instance, say something like “I want to find ways to reconnect that feel good for both of us” or “Our sex life has been on my mind and I have been wondering if I could share some of my thoughts. Is it okay to talk about it?”

By asking for permission, you can broach the topic without intimidating your partner. “This initial conversation is not about making demands, but about finding ways to explore mutual goals,” says Dr. Bober.

Invite a response. Make it clear you want to hear your partner’s feelings too. For example, say, “I’ve been wondering how you feel about our sex life. What has sex been like for you?” Inviting partners to participate can prevent them from feeling defensive and shows you care about their experience and input, says Dr. Bober.

Express what you both want. Talk about what you both hope to gain from this new sexual relationship, such as more excitement, greater closeness, or even reconnection. “Sharing your needs and expectations helps your partner express theirs, so you both can come to some kind of mutual understanding,” says Dr. Bober.

Different ways to satisfy

Once you’ve had these talks, then you both can look for different ways to approach your new sex life.

Dr. Bober says a good place to begin is with “outercourse.” Here, the attention and energy are directed toward foreplay and manual stimulation with your partner, like massages, hugging, petting, kissing, or just snuggling naked in bed.

“The emphasis is on intimacy and closeness without any big expectations of intercourse,” says Dr. Bober. “This can take the pressure off both partners and eliminate some of the stress and anxiety of having regular sex. It also shows that you can interact with your partner in various satisfying ways.”

Penetration is not always needed to achieve pleasure or orgasm for both people. Instead, try sexual aids like vibrators as well as manual stimulation, masturbation, and oral sex.

As you explore ways to stay intimate, be mindful that every couple is unique.

“A sexual relationship is defined by the two people in it and nobody else,” says Dr. Bober. “Focus on what matters to you and your partner. Your sex lives may have changed, but together you can discover what’s best for each other and your relationship.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Male menopause

— Is it real? Should I care?

Hormone changes are a normal part of aging for both men and women. The terms “male menopause” and “manopause” have been used to describe decreasing testosterone levels associated with aging. The medical term for it is andropause. And it’s different than menopause.

A man’s hormone levels typically drop differently than a woman’s. For men, the decline is much more gradual. On average, a man’s testosterone levels decline about 1% a year, starting about age 40.

Dr. Alan Kelton, internal medicine specialist and faculty member with UCSF Fresno, says low testosterone is more common if you’re overweight.

“About one in three men that are overweight and in their 40s may have it,” says Dr. Kelton, “and certainly by the time men turn 70, about 30% will have measurably low testosterone levels.”

The typically gradual decline means many men never report any symptoms. But when they do, the most common symptoms are sexual:

  • Reduced sexual desire
  • Fewer morning erections
  • Erectile dysfunction

Other symptoms — including a general lack of energy, decreased joy for life and moodiness — are sometimes associated with low testosterone levels, but can have many other causes.

How can I tell if my levels are low?

Testosterone levels can be measured with a simple blood test. But unlike other lab work, your doctor isn’t likely to run this test unless you ask for it. If you’re having symptoms that might be related to low male hormones and if those symptoms trouble you, then speak up and ask your doctor for a test.

If the results indicate a deficiency, the test is often repeated to confirm the results. Confirmed low testosterone levels can lead directly to treatment, but often lead first to more tests to find the root cause.

What are the treatment options?

There’s basically one medical treatment for low testosterone levels — hormone replacement therapy — but there are several ways to deliver it. Injections, creams, tablets and patches can all be used to boost male hormone levels.

Dr. Kelton says it’s important to have realistic expectations about hormone replacement therapy and understand it won’t magically turn you into the muscular older men we see in the movies and on TV. “The truth is that most older men [who get hormone replacement therapy] will have an increase in sexual desire, with or without an increase in sexual functioning,” says Dr. Kelton. “You don’t get more strength, you don’t get more energy, but you do get an improvement in some of the sexual symptoms.”

There can be downsides to hormone replacement therapy too. Dr. Kelton warns, “Testosterone itself seems to contribute to plaque in the coronary arteries. You can get some increased cholesterol buildup or at least on a temporary basis. A man can also have an increase in their blood counts and sometimes at levels high enough to increase the risk of stroke. And if a man has sleep apnea, they’ll have more sleep apnea with testosterone replacement therapy.”

Lifestyle changes can also reverse many of the symptoms of low hormone levels. Dr. Kelton says, “If a man is not sleeping well, is not eating well, is overweight and not exercising, they’re going to have all of the symptoms of low male hormone. By reversing many of those things, testosterone levels can improve, and sometimes dramatically so.”

Focusing on better sleep, boosting nutrition and adding in more exercise can improve testosterone levels.

Is treatment really necessary?

Dr. Kelton says men should talk to their doctor and make an honest effort to make positive lifestyle changes before deciding on hormone replacement therapy. And in the end, he stresses that the numbers aren’t the most important thing. 

“Aging is a personal experience. For some men, it’s distressing to have a decrease in sexual functioning and sexual desire and they may report symptoms early on in life, even when their male hormone levels are completely normal. Other men see their decrease in sexual functioning and desire as just part of a normal part of aging and they’re not really bothered by it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why does sex hurt?

14 common reasons why intercourse is painful, plus how to prevent it

By Ally Head

So, why does sex hurt? Good question – and, sadly, not one that there’s a straightforward answer too.

Getting intimate and then feeling a stabbing, burning or, well, any kind of pain down there can be a bit of a mood killer, can’t it? Not to mention a worry.

Sex can hurt for a number of reasons, from underlying infections to hidden health conditions. That highlighted, it’s definitely better to deal with it sooner rather than later – no point gritting your teeth and hoping it will go away.

Known medically as dyspareunia, as obstetrician, gynaecologist and ambassador for Wellbeing Sisters doctor Larisa Corda explains, painful sex affects one in ten British women, as per an International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology study.

And, according to doctor Shree Datta, gynaecologist for intimate wellbeing brand INTIMINA, there are two main types. Superficial dyspareunia – pain at the entrance to the vagina or within it at the point of penetration – or deep dyspareunia – which occurs deep in the pelvis. “Remember that pain can range from a mild irritation to debilitating pain, meaning sex can’t be tolerated, and it may be temporary, intermittent or a long term problem,” she explains.

Both female experts stress that it’s important to discover it sooner rather than later why you may be suffering from pain during sex. Keep reading to decode why does sex hurt, once and for all.

1. Too little lubrication

FYI, one of the most common reasons you’re having to Google, ‘why does sex hurt?’, is because you have too little vaginal lubrication during sex. This is totally normal – a lot of women experience vaginal dryness.

Your vagina lacking moisture can be down to the amount of foreplay before penetration, or even a lack of hormones such as oestrogen around the time of menopause, explains Datta. “If you suffer from medical conditions such as diabetes or depression, this can also affect your sexual libido and enjoyment,” she shares.

Bottom line: many women simply do not produce enough vaginal lubrication, including younger women, adds Samantha Evans, sexual health expert, former nurse and co founder of luxury sex toy retailer Jo Divine.

Try this: Rather than keep Googling why does sex hurt, Evans shares that the use of lubricants can really help. Often GPs will prescribe a hormonal cream or pessary, but many gynaecologists advocate using vaginal lubricants to help nourish the delicate tissues of the vagina. Read out guide to the best lubes to buy over the counter, while you’re here.

2. You may be suffering from a skin condition

Did you know? Underlying skin conditions can actually cause irritation during sex, and condoms may also cause discomfort or burning, particularly if you have an allergy, explains Datta. If your vagina burns after sex, you may have eczema and other genital skin conditions, such as lichen sclerosis.

Try this: Make sure you visit your GP to get your skin condition defined, if you think you may be suffering. From there, they can help you decide the best course of action, explains Corda.

3. You may have vaginismus

Ever heard of vaginismus? If you haven’t, it’s the tightening of your vaginal muscles automatically at the time of penetration, explains Datta. But why does this happen? “It can be caused by a combination of physical and psychological issues,” explains Corda. “Physical causes can include urinary tract infections, sexually transmitted diseases, vulvodynia, skin conditions such as psoriasis or eczema, menopause, and birth trauma.”

Psychological problems, on the other hand, can be caused by emotional or sexual trauma. “A previous painful experience with sex might make it harder to feel aroused and enjoy touch,” explains a spokesperson from Brook Advisory. “It can also make the muscles around the vagina and anus clench (to protect you from the pain you’re worried about) and make penetration difficult and more painful.”

Try this: With the appropriate medical intervention and counselling, the experts share that the problem can be alleviated to enable penetrative sex. Treatment usually involves specialist counselling, pelvic floor exercises, biofeedback training with a women’s health physiotherapist and use of medical dilators or a vibrator or dildo to slowly encourage the vagina to relax and open.

4. You may have an STD

Pain during or after sex can also be a sign of a sexually transmitted disease (STI) or vaginal infection, like a urinary tract infection like cystitis.

“Stinging or burning during sex may be as a result of a sexually transmitted infection, especially if you also experience an unusual vaginal discharge, or an unusual odour,” says Professor Ellis Downes, consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist and spokesperson for vSculpt. “If you have a new sexual partner and have had unprotected sex with him, and are experiencing these symptoms it would be a good idea to have it diagnosed and treated by your GP or at a sexual health clinic.”

Try this: STIs such as Chlamydia or gonorrhoea can have little to no symptoms but vaginal itching or burning, as well as painful sex, might be a sign that you are infected. Visit your GP or GUM clinic for a test. Treatments usually involve antibiotics but your doctor can recommend the next course of action.

5. You might have thrush

Three out of four women will suffer with thrush at some point in their lives, although it’s other infections, such as bacterial vaginosis. As above, UTI’s are also a common reason as to why sex is likely to hurt. Vaginal thrush, in particular, is a common yeast infection, and the main symptoms include painful sex, itching, soreness, stinging, burning when peeing and an odourless discharge.

Try this: You can pick up a DIY test in most pharmacies to determine whether you have thrush or BV, and your pharmacist will be able to recommend the best course of action. It’s usually treated with anti-fungal cream, pessaries, pills or a combination.

6. You could be going through the menopause

According to Corda, during the menopause, women experience a reduction in sex hormones which can lead to both vaginal dryness and sexual pain.

Do note here: Don’t feel embarrassed about this or suffer in silence – as Datta points out, lots of people experience sexual problems at different stages of life. “There is a lot of help out there, so there is no need to deal with this difficulty alone,” she shares. Do book an appointment with your GP if you think your painful sex may be because of menopausal symptoms.

7. Your vagina may be irritated

You’ll likely know that genital irritation can be caused by spermicides, latex or vaginal douching. Some women are allergic to certain products or even their partner’s sperm. Latex products, such as condoms or sex toys, can also cause an allergic reaction, so if you’ve ever experienced an itching or burning sensation when trying new products, then you might’ve had an irritation or allergic reaction which can, in turn, lead to painful sex.

Try this: do be aware of what you are applying to the delicate skin of your genitals. Glycerin – which is often found in flavoured lubes – as well as parabens and aspartame, can cause irritation. Similarly, alkali or acidic lubes can mess with the pH balance of your vagina and cause dryness and itching. Instead, switch to a water-based (not silicon-based) lube, such as Pjur. Another alternative is Sliquid, which is also glycerin- and paraben-free.

Similarly, opt for latex-free condoms and, when using a sex toy, make sure you clean if after use (read how to clean your sex toys, here), recommends Downes. “Some cleaning substances can irritate the vaginal lining, though, so do note that it’s best just to use hot water and natural soap.”

8. You may just not be aroused

“If you’re not physically aroused, touch of any kind can be uncomfortable, especially if it’s somewhere sensitive, like your clitoris or the tip of your penis,” says a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic. “Being well-lubricated, relaxed and with lots of blood flow in the area (you want either an erect penis or a vulva swell) helps with this, so put plenty of focus on foreplay,” they recommend.

FYI, women especially need warming up before penetrative sex, both physically and emotionally. “If you’re not feeling turned on – that is, if you’re not mentally aroused – touch can be unpleasant. For example, being tickled when you’re feeling playful and silly is usually more fun than when you’re tired or angry,” adds the Brook spokesperson.

Try this: The sexpert suggests spending time enjoying foreplay to significantly improve your sexual pleasure. “There may be times when penetrative sex is not possible, but you can still have great sex without intercourse,” they share.

Corda also adds that, if you’re worried about your lack of libido, counselling could be key to treating these factors and reviving the pain associated with sex. But in the first instance, it’s important to see your doctor to rule out medical causes first and provide the correct treatment.

9. You may be injured

Did you know? “Painful sex can be a sign of damage from previous sex, such as tearing or soreness,” explains a spokesperson from the Brook Advisory Clinic.

Think about it – you wouldn’t go running if you’d twisted your ankle, so try not to have sex super quickly after a particularly enthusiastic session, as it may have resulted in friction that has left you sore.

10. He may be too big

“Even if you’re well lubricated and fully aroused, you may experience pain if a man inserts his penis too quickly or deeply,” says Evans. “The vagina relaxes as you warm up to having sex, and will open more comfortably if the penis enters slowly. Guiding your partner in at your own pace can really help avoid any pain.”

Try this: She explains that often, having sex doggy style can be painful, so try backing onto the penis at your own pace. The same can be said when going on top. Don’t let your partner to pull you down onto their penis if you suffer from painful sex: instead, she recommends slowly lower yourself, controlling the speed and depth of insertion that is comfortable. Got it?

11. You may have a female health condition like endometriosis

Painful sex is a common symptom for women with endometriosis symptoms, which affect two million women in the UK, making many avoid sex altogether. Up to 50% of women with endometriosis have cited painful intercourse, ranging from sharp, stabbing, needle-like pain to a deep ache. It can feel mild to intense, either during sexual intercourse or up to 24 to 48 hours post-coitally, or both.

As well as endometriosis (when the lining of the uterus grows outside the uterus or is thicker than normal), painful sex can also be caused by fibroids (growths of muscle and tissue inside the uterus) growing close to your vagina or cervix, irritable bowel syndrome and constipation.

Try this: Endometriosis – and its flare ups – are unpredictable, so often it feels like there’s no knowing when they may occur. Some women experience pain throughout the month whereas others only experience it at certain times, likely – but not definitely – related to their menstrual cycle. There is no cure for endometriosis but there are treatments that can help with the pain – do visit your doctor if you fear you may have it.

12. If you’ve just given birth, your vagina may be recovering

Wondering why does sex hurt after just giving birth? FYI, giving birth is a beautiful and emotional thing – but also an emotional and physical challenge, too, and you’ll need to take time to recover afterwards. “Childbirth is a formative experience for any woman, and for some it can be traumatic,” says Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and We-Vibe‘s relationship expert. “Insensitive care practitioners or a difficult or dangerous birth can give rise to a heightened fear of birth, pregnancy, and even sexuality itself. Women who have experienced a traumatic birth often struggle to re-engage with their sexual selves, even when they have recovered physically, and can experience pain with no obvious physical cause,” she explains.

So why exactly is sex painful after giving birth? A number of reasons, from bruising to the vaginal wall is a common reason, explains Downes. “You may also have experienced a tear which will need time to heal completely before you have sex again – doctors recommend at least six weeks but it often takes longer,” she shares.

Why is sex painful? Woman with Legs Raised wearing white shorts lying on bed

13. Your relationship might be under strain

Arguing a lot or working through a stressful patch in your relationship? Ill feeling can actually totally cause painful sex, FYI – it’s a vicious cycle.

“Experiencing emotional pain as a result of conflict within your relationship could lead to painful sex,” says Evans. “Many couples go through an emotional disconnect if one of them is unable to have sex, which in turn can increase the pain levels, thus creating a vicious circle.”

Try this: The sexpert advises that consulting a couples’ counsellor or sex therapist may help – and remember, you are not alone.

14. You could have a hidden health condition

Often painful sex is a sign of a more unusual, difficult to diagnose health issue, explains Evans. Some of the lesser known conditions that could be causing you discomfort during sex include:

  • Lichen Schlerosus – a common condition generally affecting postmenopausal women thought to be linked to an overactive immune system.
  • Vestibulodynia – a condition that makes you feel a burning pain thought to affect 12-15% of women.
  • Vulvodynia – spontaneous burning without an itching sensation.

If you’re worried you have any of the above, do see a doctor.

Is painful sex normal?

Now you’ve read the expert answer to why does sex hurt, we’re sure you’re keen to know if pain during intercourse is actually common. Short answer: yes, but it’s important to see your doctor if sex is painful repeatedly. “It can stop you from enjoying sex or lead to you avoiding sex altogether,” shares Datta – which is not good.

“This can be isolating, affect your mood and cause distress,” she shares. “It could also cause problems in your relationship over time. You may be referred to see a Gynaecologist and we may need to examine and exclude both physical and psychological problems.

Bottom line: pain during sex can be down to a number of different causes. “That’s why sometimes a multi-disciplinary approach is needed to reach an adequate diagnosis and to offer appropriate support,” explains Corda. “This may include psychologists, urologists, gynaecologists, and even dermatologists.”

They’ll be able to allow you to explore the various issues affecting your ability to have or enjoy sex, and your relationship with your partner.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Over 60s want to end the stigma and show sex doesn’t have an age limit

40% of people believe the desire for sex decreases with age

By

Unless it’s a cutesy couple holding hands who’ve been married for 50 years, sexual romance between two people over 60 is often cast aside.

Like in many other contexts, our relationship with ageing is strange – viewed as unattractive, we distance ourselves from it.

But if you are sexually active and under 60, is it an appealing thought to think others will view you as being ‘past it’ come retirement?

Sex doesn’t have an age limit, as a study from sexual toy company We-Vibe shows.

Their survey of 14,500 people globally found that 40% have the idea that sexual desire decreases with age, but people over 55 also surveyed rated their own libidos as being similar or on par with younger people.

Separately, an age study based in Berlin found that senior citizens were having more sex than younger generations.

The assumption that come retirement, people essentially cease to be sexual beings shuts down important conversations around older age sex.

‘By making senior sex a taboo topic, we stigmatize and infantilize a huge portion of our population. Sex has no expiration date,’ senior sex author Joan Price tells Metro.co.uk.

‘By closing down the conversation, seniors who need solid information or advice won’t get it, won’t even dare ask.

‘By keeping senior sex in the dark, we hurt and shame people. Let’s accept that sex is a part of life whether we’re 25 or 75 or beyond. If we’re lucky, we’ll all age.

‘Sex affects our health, intimacy, pleasure, and sense of wellbeing. It’s part of life,’ she adds.

It can lower stress levels, lower blood pressure and boost happiness – things that matter in old age especially as this generation is particularly vulnerable to experiencing loneliness.

Speaking on his sex life, 76-year-old Rory says: ‘I don’t do it as often as I used to, but it is something to enjoy in a very warm, loving and comfortable way as compared to the past.

‘There was a lot of pressure to have the “perfect” sex when I was younger, but I have learnt now, that orgasming is not everything.’

For 73-year-old Peter, tired stereotypes around age and sex don’t reflect in his life at all.

‘It’s not exclusive to the young. The younger generation often think: “You’re 73 and you are still thinking about sex – you’re a pervert”.

‘However, the older you get has got nothing to do with how you feel about sex.’

He adds that by his age, you’ve learnt how to have ‘good’ sex.

Julia Henchen, a sex therapist, says sex also can improve with age due to having a better relationship with the self.

Explaining that sexuality doesn’t retire, she says: ‘This is actually a huge myth, because most of the time sex tends to get better with age.

‘It has to do with the fact that people have better access to their own bodies at an older age.’

This rings true for 66-year-old Toni, who tells us sex is better due to knowing her body more.

‘I find sex much better now than I used to in my teens.

‘It was only after menopause that I discovered that I can get to about three in a row,’ she shares.

When speaking on past versus present sexual experiences, confidence was a recurring theme – this is something else older generations want younger people to realise and learn from.

‘If I could go back in time, the one piece of advice that I would give myself is to enjoy myself.

‘Don’t worry about what you look like, don’t worry about your tummy, don’t worry about funny angles, just let yourself go. I have experienced the best sex not when I was young, but in my later years,’ Lesley, 66, says.

Though it isn’t always perfect – ageing naturally changes the body and brings about a new sex of challenges while having sex.

She continues, speaking on a more recent encounter: ‘I used to quite like standing up but my knees have given up the ghost now.

‘The last time I tried that I was screeching out because of my knees and of course the chap thought that I was in throes of passion. It was quite hilarious.’

Rather than see the inevitable changes as limitations, Lesley is able to see the fun still available to her.

Sexologist Dr Jess O’Reily tells us that the problem she sees most in clients is lubrication, often recommending lube and various toys to help make sex pleasurable.

‘If you see the changes that come with age as an opportunity, you’ll likely to discover new erogenous zones, more creative ways to arouse your body, more meaningful ways to connect with a partner and even more exciting ways to orgasm.’

Rather than acquaint ageing with a limited and diminished sex drive, old age actually be the key to confident, explorative sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Leather and Aging

by

Let me begin this column with what some might consider a five-letter word that’s taboo: A-G-I-N-G. I’ve been thinking a fair amount about aging lately, especially as it relates to the leather/BDSM/fetish community.

I have written in this column about leather and aging before (in 2001, 2002, and 2007). But two things have prompted me to revisit the topic. One thing was a conversation I had with several other people at the last in-person leather event I attended in 2020. That was the Mr. Twin Cities Leather contest, the evening of Saturday, Feb. 15th. During conversation after that contest, several people were talking about starting a discussion group for leatherfolk of a certain age. “I’m interested,” I said, “please let me know when it gets going.” And then . . . well, we all know what happened next.

The other thing that has prompted me to think about leather and aging was Patrick Scully’s recent virtual show, “The 3rd Act,” presented by Illusion Theater. In this play Scully asks himself: “Can I embrace becoming old, particularly in this ageist society?” Both Scully’s play and the virtual audience discussion that followed were extremely interesting and thought-provoking. Scully talked about the play as something of a work in progress. If he presents it again, I highly recommend going to see it, whatever your age. (At this writing, a video of the virtual audience discussion is still available online at www.illusiontheater.org/the-3rd-act )

Having hung around the leather/BDSM/fetish community for quite a few years, I have seen a lot of what makes this community tick. One thing that makes it tick is respect for age and experience. This respect is, to a great extent, baked into leather culture— the importance and centrality of mentoring in our community’s culture translates to respect for age and experience.

Those of us who are older, including your humble columnist, still have to deal with ageism in other places. But it’s nice to know that in leather we have to deal with it less.

In some ways age is irrelevant in this community—or, at least, age is not as important as other qualities and aspects of peoples’ character. Young, old, and in-between are all respected and accommodated. One interesting thing about leather is that it decouples chronological age and age in the community, also known as experience. A person who might still be considered young chronologically, but who has been in the community for a long time, may mentor a newcomer who is chronologically older. And that’s no big deal—it’s just the way the community and the culture works.

I think elders are respected more in the leather community than in the general culture. We respect our elders for their stories, their wisdom, their experience, their history, and their perseverance. We seek out our more experienced members for discussion panels and for educational presentations on history, culture, and technique. Many younger members of the community truly understand that they have benefited from their elders’ efforts of blazing new trails. We leatherfolk might have something to teach the general culture about anti-ageism.

Here’s a concrete example of anti-ageism in the leather/BDSM/fetish community: I once attended a workshop on the subject of “geriatric dungeons.” First, the fact that “geriatric dungeons” were even being talked about lends credence to the fact that getting older does not have to mean giving up sexual activity or BDSM activity. Second, talking about “geriatric dungeons” is a mark of respect for older members of the community—the community values them enough to want to include them in dungeon play, and the community is willing to adapt dungeon spaces to make this possible. Third, one of the conclusions of the workshop was that creating dungeons that worked better for more mature players actually meant creating dungeons that worked better for everyone, of any age.

Another example of leather respect for maturity: The Knights of Leather, a Twin Cities- based leather club, hosts an annual run called Tournament. The run is held in a beautiful rustic setting. But some of us who once enjoyed “roughing it” by sleeping in rustic cabins are no longer able to do that.

So for many years Tournament has featured the Elderhostel guest house for some of the more mature people attending the run. For these more mature people, the amenities provided by the Elderhostel make the difference between being able to keep attending Tournament and having to give it up. The existence of the Elderhostel also considerably broadens the age range of people seen at Tournament. Here is one measure of the Elderhostel’s success: There is a waiting list to get in.

The same respect for maturity is evident at leather contests. Every year, for example, the contestants at the International Mr. Leather and International Mr. Bootblack (IML/ IMBB) contests represent a wide range of ages. And I think it’s significant that both the first IML titleholder (David Kloss, IML 1979) and the first International Ms Leather titleholder (Judy Tallwing McCarthy, IMsL 1987) are still relevant and still respected. (I recently saw a virtual presentation by the Leather Archives & Museum in which Tallwing McCarthy shared reminiscences. It was fascinating!) And there are other examples of titleholders from many contests who have stayed involved and relevant in the leather/ BDSM/fetish community over many years.

For my final, and perhaps most personal, example of age being respected in leather, I need look no further than the former leather columnist for the Bay Area Reporter in San Francisco, the legendary Mr. Marcus. He started writing his leather column in 1971 and continued writing his column, and judging leather contests, for the next 38 years. He was still active and relevant when he died in 2009 at age 77.

Everyone is growing older—all the time. May we all, of whatever age, have the blessing of growing older and still staying relevant and respected.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual activity linked to higher cognitive function in older age

A joint study by two England universities explores the link between sex and cognitive function with some surprising differences in male and female outcomes in old age.

By Jaimee Bell

  • A joint study by the universities of Coventry and Oxford in England has linked sexual activity with higher cognitive abilities in older age.
  • The results of this study suggest there are significant associations between sexual activity and number sequencing/word recall in men. In women, however, there was a significant association between sexual activity in word recall alone – number sequencing was not impacted.
  • The differences in testosterone (the male sex hormone) and oxytocin (a predominantly female hormone) may factor into why the male cognitive level changes much more during sexual activity in older age.

Countless studies have been done on the health benefits of sex – from an orgasm giving you clearer skin and a boosted immune system, to the physical activity keeping your blood pressure at a healthy level. A lowered risk of heart disease, the ability to block pain, a lowered risk of prostate cancer, less stress which leads to improved sleeping patterns…all of these are proven benefits of sexual activity.

The health benefits of sex have been studied again and again, and yet, there are still new things we’re learning about the benefits on the human body and brain.

Study links sexual activity to higher cognitive function in old age

The results of this study suggest there are significant associations between sexual activity and number sequencing/word recall in men and a significant association between sexual activity in word recall in women.

Cognitive function has been associated with various physical, psychological, and emotional patterns in older adults – from lifestyle to quality of life, loneliness, and mood changes as well as physical activity levels.

A 2016 joint study by the universities of Coventry and Oxford in England has linked sexual activity with higher/better cognitive abilities in older age.

This longitudinal study used a newly available wave of data from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing to explore the connections between sexual activity in the older population (50+) with cognitive function.

The study consisted of 6,833 participants between the ages of 50-89 years old.

Two different cognitive function tests were analyzed:

  • Number sequencing, which broadly relates to the brain’s executive functions.
  • Word recall, which relates to the brain’s memory functions.

The results of these tests were then adjusted to account for each person’s gender, age, education level, wealth, physical activity, and mental health. The reason for this is that the researchers noticed there are often biases in other studies that examine the links between sexual activity and overall health.

For example, in this scenario, without taking those things into account, healthy older Italian men with a continued interest in sex would score higher on these tests. Women, who are more likely to become widowed and lose their sexual partner, would score lower.

The results…

While studying the impact of sexual activity on overall health, there are not many studies that focus on the link between sexual activity and cognitive function, and no other study that focuses on sexual activity and cognitive function in older adults.

The results of this one-of-a-kind study suggest there are significant associations between sexual activity and number sequencing/word recall in men. In women, however, there was a significant association between sexual activity in word recall alone – number sequencing was not impacted.

You can see the breakdown of this information here.

Why were the results for males and females so different?

One of the highlights of this study was exploring the differences sexual activity has in cognitive function in older males and older females.

Exploring the differences when it comes to the improved cognitive ability between the older males and the older females in this study was one of the highlights of the research.

Testosterone versus oxytocin

Testosterone, which is the male sex hormone, reacts very differently to the brain than oxytocin, which is released in females during sexual activity.

Testosterone plays a key role in many different areas such as muscle mass, facial and pubic hair development, and mood changes. It also impacts your sex drive and your verbal memory and thinking ability.

Testosterone belongs to a class of male hormones, and although the ovaries of a woman do produce minimal amounts of testosterone, it’s not enough to compare the impacts on the male and female bodies.

Oxytocin, on the other hand, is produced in the male and female bodies quite similarly, but ultimately the hormone reacts differently in the female body, triggering the portion of the brain responsible for emotion, motivation, and reward.

These differences in testosterone and oxytocin may factor into why the male cognitive level changes much more during sexual activity in older age.

Women’s ability for memory recall remains a mystery…

Another study, this time back in 1997, looked at the relationship between gender and episodic memory. The results of this study proved that women have a higher level of performance on episodic memory tasks (for example, recalling childhood memories) than men. The reason for this was not further explored in this study and has remained something of a mystery, even now.

The female brain deteriorates during menopause.

Women very commonly struggle with memory-related problems during and post-menopause. This could be the reason why the original study proved older men had a higher cognitive ability in number sequencing than older women.

Along with menopause-related cognitive decline, women are also at a higher risk for memory impairment and dementia compared to men.

Lead researcher of the original 2016 study, Dr. Hayley Wright, from Coventry University, explains:

“Every time we do another piece of research we are getting a little bit closer to understanding why this association exists at all, what the underlying mechanisms are and whether there is a ’cause and effect’ relationship between sexual activity and cognitive function in older people.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Dealing with the symptoms of menopause

It’s a good idea to talk to your doctor about treatment options

by Maggie Ireland

As women approach the end of their childbearing years, they may experience symptoms of menopause but may not realize all of the treatments now available.

“Menopause is the lack of menses in a woman. Typically, this happens in her early 50s. The current diagnosis for menopause is that a woman has no periods for 12 months,” said Dr. Lindsy Alons, a physician at Cedar Rapids OB/GYN Specialists. “It’s different for every woman.”

In menopause, a woman’s body adjusts to changing levels of ovarian hormones — estrogen — as her cycles phase out. The uneven levels of estrogen can cause a wide variety of symptoms, with hot flashes and night sweats the most common.

“A lot of patients have night sweats, hot flashes, changes in libido, vaginal dryness, mood changes and other symptoms,” Alons said.

Quality of life

Eugenia Mazur, a physician in the Menopause and Sexual Health Clinic at University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics in Iowa City, treats many woman for the effects of menopause, some more serious than others.

“Every woman goes through menopause without exclusion,” Mazur said. “Some of us have very mild or no symptoms and don’t require any intervention. Another group of women experience quite significant symptoms.”

Some women experience sleep disruption. Often, they experience fatigue, a lack of concentration or a “brain funk” the next day, Mazur said. Many gain weight.

Another common symptom is vaginal dryness, which “can lead to pain with intercourse,” Mazur said. “I’ve learned to always ask about this — if I don’t ask, a patient may be too embarrassed to bring it up herself.”

The combination of symptoms can drastically alter a woman’s quality of life, she said.

“On average, menopause symptoms will last seven years,” Mazur said. “So, if you have symptoms that are affecting your daily life, you should absolutely talk to your doctor.”

Estrogen or aging?

While more serious health concerns can develop during menopause, both physicians acknowledged it can be difficult to distinguish what is caused by changes in estrogen levels and what is brought on by aging.

For example, women tend to develop cardiovascular abnormalities more commonly in their 50s and 60s, whereas men tend to develop those issues sooner.

“It’s hard to say if it’s hormonal or aging,” Alons said.

In menopause, a woman’s cholesterol may jump, sometimes drastically, so it is important they get their cholesterol levels checked and talk to their doctor about heart health.

Bone health is another concern.

“Once the ovaries stop making estrogen, we see a lot more thinning of bones as women become postmenopausal,” Alons said.

Osteopenia and osteoporosis are both diseases of progressive bone loss that become more common in women after menopause. Prevention, including bone density tests, is key.

Treatment options

The good news is that the treatment options available are as diverse as the types and severity of symptoms accompanying menopause.

“We, of course, make lifestyle, health, diet and exercise recommendations when they are appropriate,” Mazur said.

The most common treatment for the symptoms of menopause is hormone replacement therapy — regulating the level of estrogen.

“There are lots of over-the-counter options out there, but they don’t usually have a ton of effect,” Alons said. “With hormone replacement therapy, there are many different formulations — pills, patches, topical lotions, vaginal preparations, laser therapy and more. So treatment can really be tailored to the needs of each woman and the severity of her symptoms.”

Adding estrogen back into a woman’s body carries the bonus of helping combat bone loss.

“There is nothing close to estrogen in prevention of bone loss,” Mazur said. “We do not prescribe estrogen for osteoporosis specifically — but if we start it for other symptoms, you also will get the added benefits of prevention.”

Many women, she said, “are scared of using estrogen due to possible side effects. But we will always assess a woman’s risk factors and health history before making a recommendation for hormone replacement. If you’re a good candidate for estrogen replacement, it can really improve your quality of life.”

Doctors also may prescribe antidepressants or sleep aids if a woman’s mood or sleep are drastically affected by menopause.

Do some research

When it comes to doing your own research on menopause symptoms and treatment, Mazur has some advice.

“Dr. Google is not always helpful and can be overwhelming,” she said.

But a “great” source of information, she said, can be found at the North American Menopausal Society website at menopause.org.

“Even if you are only approaching the age of menopause, it’s good to do some research,” Mazur said. “You can talk to your doctor about any questions you have.”

If concerns arise about treatment options, talk to your doctor for tailored, specific advice, she said.

Alons agreed — there’s no reason to go into menopause with unanswered questions or uncontrolled symptoms.

“More and more women are coming in with their concerns,” she said. “For a long time, menopause wasn’t talked about, so women suffered in silence. Now, there are lots of options for treatments available so you can live a healthy, comfortable lifestyle.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do Women Really Become Less Interested In Sex Over Time?

Debunking The Myths

by Deborah J. Fox, MSW

A couple in their 30s, married for 10 years, sit across from each other in my office with tension and despair written on their faces. When I hear their story of sexual disconnection, it sounds all too familiar. Ben’s story is one of frustration that they only occasionally have sex. Sara’s story is also one of frustration because she’s at a loss as to how to fix this between them. They both agree that when they do engage in sex, the encounter itself goes well enough. Yet that doesn’t lead to another roll in the hay for quite some time.

Another familiar scene is the group of men meeting for happy hour, bemoaning their lot as married men who’ve accepted the “fact” that women lose interest in sex after they’ve been married for a few years.

Anecdotes abound, yet the mainstream understanding of why sex in long-term relationships diminishes suffers from an astounding lack of information about female sexuality—and it doesn’t have to be this way.

Yes, some women do say, “I don’t care if I ever have sex again as long as I live.” I think the truth is more likely, “I don’t care if I ever have the kind of sex, or the circumstances under which I’m having sex, again.”

In sexuality, knowledge is truly powerful. So let’s unpack the real sources of all this distress.

The power of negative messages.

First of all, we need to name the thing many people don’t want to name: The negative messages that girls are bombarded with since they found out they were girls have created enormous barriers to feeling sexually comfortable. Even today, there is still a staggering number of “Good girls don’t _____” messages, all designed to modulate what might come naturally:

Have you ever heard a cliché of “Girls will be girls” the way you hear “Boys will be boys?” Never. Yet the truth is, all people are products of their culture. Even women who feel like they know better than to buy into these negative messages they heard growing up can still nonetheless be affected by them.

The good news is, the lingering impact of negative messages can be softened. The first step is to identify the messages you got as a child from your parents and peers, including social media. How did those messages affect how you feel about sex? About your body? The next step is to reflect on how these messages might still be affecting you and find a way to minimize their continuing influence. That can look like talking to your partner or friend about these experiences, reading books on female sexuality, or seeking the help of a therapist.

Additionally, so many women have been exposed to inappropriate sexual comments and touch, sexual abuse, and sexual assault. The impact of these experiences is enormous and long-lasting, usually interfering with the ability to enjoy sex. There are effective strategies to release trauma’s hold on you (the best first step here would be to see a therapist), but this context cannot be ignored in any conversation about the idea that “Women just aren’t interested in sex.”

Likewise, a crucial misunderstanding when it comes to female sexuality—and a major source of sexual frustration in couples—is the idea that sexual desire just pops up for everyone in the same way. When it doesn’t happen this way in a relationship, there’s usually a lot of confusion and blame.

There are actually two basic types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. We’re very familiar with the spontaneous type. You know, those who walk down the street on an average day regularly struck with a desire for sex. They seem to be up for sex most anytime. Sexuality researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., tells us that about 75% of men are members of this group but only about 15% of women.

Because women often aren’t exposed to what is more typical of female sexual desire, they often end up saying, “What’s wrong with me?” or falsely concluding, “I’m just not a sexual person.”

Many women have what’s known as responsive sexual desire. For people with this type of desire, the context of the moment is critical to your openness to the idea of sex. If you’re tired, preoccupied with a work project or a troubled family member, stressed, or feeling blah, interest in sex is going to be hard to come by. These are not just factors affecting your interest in sex; they are central. There’s nothing wrong with you for not being interested. You just need a change in context.

A common experience for responsive people is that desire shows up after arousal. This is normal. It’s just not advertised. What this means is that you have to change the question from, “Am I feeling frisky?” to “Am I open to engaging in touch?” With physical touch, arousal may well show up, followed by, “Oh, now I feel very glad to be here, doing this!”

Most people don’t even know responsive sexual desire exists—even the very people whose desire works like this. I was once describing responsive sexual desire to my husband, and he said, “That’s interesting. That’s not what you see in the movies.” Exactly. The media, a major provider of sex education, only depicts spontaneous sexual desire.

As it turns out, spontaneous people often find themselves in relationships with responsive people. I’ve found this often to be true in same-gender couples as well. So these groups need to get to know each other.

When I explain responsive desire to Ben, his jaw drops and doesn’t close for a while. Whereas Sara is nodding vigorously, “That’s me. That’s me—I’ve just never known how to explain it.” Likewise, when I explain that Ben likely walks down the street with every sixth thought being a sexual one, her eyes pop out of her head.

A consequence for many women growing up today is that sexuality wasn’t about them and their pleasure. With inadequate information about sex, many young women are often left to apply to themselves what they learn from their experiences with men—or the movies. If men just dive into erogenous zones at the outset of a physical encounter, then that’s what must be the way to have sex. However, when desire tends to follow arousal, a direct focus on erogenous zones can feel like an unwanted advance. Their bodies aren’t yet ready to be stimulated sexually.

What to do? Change the context. If you’re like Sara and have responsive sexual desire rather than spontaneous, what is the context that makes you feel open to physical touch? Instead of saying, “I’m not in the mood,” try asking yourself, “What could put me in the mood?”

Perhaps a conversation that would help you feel less stressed, a shared glass of wine or cup of tea, a foot massage, a hot bath, reading some erotica, having your partner wash the dishes and put the kids to bed. There’s a bridge between where your head is at the moment and where it could be—you just have to build it.

This is also a couple’s project. If you’re a spontaneous guy in a relationship with a responsive woman, find out what turns her on—and off. Do you approach her in a way that’s enticing to her? Do you send her affectionate or sexy text messages? Think of your early days of flirting—you showed interest and enthusiasm for everything about her. You paid attention to her. If she’s tired, do you offer to take on tasks to give her a break?

What about unresolved conflict or repetitive bickering? For those like Sara, this is a huge buzzkill. Many a time, a Ben type approaches his partner for sex several hours after they’ve quarreled, and she looks at him as if he’s sprouted a horn and gives him a look that says, “Are you [insert your favorite four-letter word] kidding me? I’m still furious with you!” Try finding a better way to resolve conflict so there’s not simmering resentment in the air.

When we understand responsive desire and the way it works, it exposes the myth that women lose interest in sex. Sure, most women probably do lose interest in the kind of sex they’ve been expected to enjoy—late at night when they’re ready to go to sleep, regardless of what else is going on for her.

Enjoyable sex happens in a context that takes you into account.

Getting back on that track of having a pleasurable sex life isn’t about the stars aligning just right. It’s about educating yourself, understanding what negative messages and experiences may be affecting your relationship, and understanding exactly how you and your partner’s sexual desire works. Equipped with that knowledge, you can work together with your partner to create a context in which you can both enjoy sex more fully.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Losing sense of smell can impact seniors’ sex life

Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

By Kevin Connor

Aging can affect the quality of life for older people in many ways.Now anosmia — losing the sense of smell, which is a symptom of COVID-19 — can put seniors off their sex life, a new study shows.

A group of researchers, along with an expert from Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, came up with the findings after testing a sample of 2,084 seniors over the age of 65.

They found a sense of smell plays a pivotal role in sexual motivation, the U.K. Daily Mail reported.

Other research concluded smell disorder in older patients impairs their sexual life.

“Decreased olfactory function in older U.S. adults was associated with decreased sexual motivation and less emotional satisfaction with sex, but not decreased frequency of sexual activity or physical pleasure,” the researchers said in their paper published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The group of researchers suggests a decrease in smell didn’t necessarily decrease the frequency of sexual activity in all.

“Our research shows a decline in olfactory function may affect sexual pleasure in older adults,” said study author Jesse K. Siegel at the University of Chicago.

“Therefore, treatable causes of sensory loss should be addressed by clinicians to improve sexual health.”

Researchers say this is possibly because of ‘evolutionarily-conserved’ neurological links between olfaction and sexuality.

“Olfaction has a strong, evolutionary-conserved connection to the limbic system, which plays a critical role in processing emotions and sexual motivation,” Siegel and her team say in their paper.

“Neurons in the olfactory bulb also project directly to the hypothalamus, another key mediator of sexual motivation.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Aging and Sex

By Korin Miller

Sex advice is often geared toward people who are having it for the first time, but it’s understandable that you might still have questions, even when you’re a sex veteran. After all, your body changes as you get older, and you’re not born knowing how to navigate all of this.

>“Our bodies change over time, so it’s very normal to have questions about sex and sexual health at any age, no matter how experienced you are,” women’s health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider, tells Yahoo Life.

But figuring out your “new normal” in your sex life can be “even even more sexually satisfying once you learn how to navigate the hormonal and physical changes that occur with age,” Dr. Lauren Streicher, an associate professor of clinical obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever, tells Yahoo Life.

Whether you’re in a steady relationship or are single, experts say these are important things to consider to keep your sex life—and sexual health—in top shape, no matter what your age.

Don’t shy away from lubrication

“As women get older, the ovaries make less estrogen,” Dr. Mary Jane Minkin, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology and reproductive sciences at Yale Medical School, tells Yahoo Life. “That can cause [a woman] to be drier.” That’s why Minkin says that lubrication “is key” to having comfortable sex.

Lubrication is also important for lowering your risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs), Wider says. If you’re not well lubricated during sex, you can be vulnerable to experiencing micro-tears that can open you up to contracting an STI, she explains. “It’s important to be aware of this and to use personal lubrication products,” Wider says.

Use protection with a new partner

Yes, protection is still important when you’re older. And yes, you can get pregnant, which is why birth control is still important in your late 30s and early 40s. “While pregnancy is a lot less likely after 40, it can, and does, happen,” Streicher says. She points to data published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found that 45% of pregnancies in the U.S. are unintended. “Not surprisingly, the highest rate of unintended pregnancy is among women aged 24 and younger,” she says. “Surprisingly, the second-highest rate is among women over 40. In fact, unplanned pregnancies in women over 40 have recently increased because so many women in that group assume they are no longer fertile.”

STIs are still a risk, too, Streicher says. “You shouldn’t be lulled into safety, even if someone tells you they’re low risk because they just got a divorce or something,” she says. “Who knows who else they’ve been with?”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends using condoms to protect against the spread of STIS, nothing that “consistent and correct” use of latex condoms reduces the risk of contracting STIs and HIV. However, the CDC says, condoms, “cannot provide absolute protection.”

Minkin agrees that condoms are not perfect. “They don’t cover everything down there,” she says. “People can still transmit herpes with a condom, for example.” Still, she says, “they’re a good option.”

Keep up your Kegel exercises

Kegel exercises, which can help make the muscles under the uterus, bladder, and bowel stronger, can make sex more enjoyable, Wider says. “Strong pelvic floor muscles are important during sex,” she says. “Doing daily exercises can help strengthen and improve the tone of this muscle group.”

To do the exercises, Medline Plus recommends pretending you have to pee and then holding it. Relax and tighten the muscles that control urine flow—these are your Kegel exercises.

“The pelvic floor is challenged by pregnancy and age,” Minkin says. “It’s good to do these exercises any time, and it’s never too early to start.”

Take your time during sex

This is important at any age, Minkin says. “Most women need time to get things going, and many women and their partners are unaware of that,” she says. She recommends that couples start slowly and incorporate elements of touch and relaxation in foreplay, like giving a gentle massage.

Wider says patience during sex is also crucial. “Many women take longer to reach [climax] when compared with a male partner,” she says. “Giving yourself time to climax is important to sexual satisfaction.”

Get your HPV vaccine

The vaccine against human papillomavirus (HPV), an STI that’s linked to certain forms of cancer, is largely recommended for people under the age of 26, per the CDC. However, people up to age 45 who are not vaccinated may decide to have the vaccine to lower their risk of contracting HPV. “I advise women to get the vaccine, particularly if they’re newly single and not in a monogamous relationship,” Streicher says.

While the HPV vaccine has been tested in and approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for use in people up to age 45, Streicher says she will sometimes give it to patients who are older than that if they’re at a higher risk of contracting HPV. If you’re unsure if you need this, she recommends talking to your doctor.

Get tested for STIs

If you have multiple sexual partners, Minkin recommends that both you and your partners get tested regularly. “There is no absolutely safe hookup,” she says. The CDC recommends that all adults up to age 64 get tested at least once for HIV, and that sexually active women with risk factors like new or multiple sex partners get tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year.

Have open communication with your partner</strong

This is a big one, per Minkin. “One of the problems with satisfying sex is boredom,” she says. Minkin recommends having regular conversations with your partner about what you do and don’t like in bed. “If there’s no communication, there’s not going to be good sex,” she says. “Talking and working to liven things up is a good thing.”

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6 Ways To Have Better Sex In Your 40s, 50s & Beyond

by Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD

As a practicing gynecologist for over 20 years, I’m all too familiar with the struggles that women face in midlife, especially when it comes to decreased (or nonexistent) libidos and disconnected, unsatisfying relationships. In fact, this issue is one of the core focuses of my medical practice, which is dedicated to women in midlife.

When you look at the perfect storm that we face beginning in our 40s and 50s—disappearing fertility, hormonal changes, children leaving the nest, aging or dying parents—it’s no wonder that our relationships and our sex drive get put on the back burner and begin to wilt. After a while, we feel as if we have completely lost our sexual being, which is a depressing conclusion to come to, and one that I sought to challenge.

I’ve been there personally, and I’m here to tell you with confidence that your life does have the potential to grow richer over the years, and that includes having the best sex of your life after 40, 50, 60, and beyond! No matter how you might feel right now, know that your sexual being has not died. It is just “taking a nap,” as I say to my patients.

I know this to be true from my own personal transformation as well as through the extensive research study I conducted for my book Sexually Woke. I studied a group of over 1,000 women between the ages of 45 and 65 and discovered that 7% of women in midlife have fulfilling sex lives and relationships. (Other studies have found up to 1 in 5 women saying the same!) While this percentage might seem small, the fact that this is true for some women—whom I call the “sexually woke”—means that it is possible for all of us.

Here are six ways you can begin to reawaken your sexual being and enjoy pleasure in your 50s and beyond:

1. Shift your mindset about what “sex” means.

We typically think of sex as vaginal intercourse. However, we should shift our mindset to define it as “intimate physical contact.” Physical intimacy is key in healthy relationships, and vaginal intercourse is not always a pleasurable way to express this. In fact, only 4 out of 10 women regularly have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse.

As we experience hormonal and physical changes in midlife, vaginal intercourse becomes increasingly difficult, if not agonizingly impossible. There are countless other ways to express intimate physical contact—the only criteria is that it creates pleasure for both parties. This could include cuddling, touching, and rubbing the genitalia together. Focus on whatever expression of sexual intimacy conveys a feeling of connection equally to you both.

2. Prioritize connection.

As we age, orgasm becomes increasingly difficult to achieve, and when it is our final goal, this can cause stress and disconnection that prevents physical intimacy. Instead of fixating on the climax itself, focus on connecting with your partner. The process of connection can be as enjoyable as orgasm itself as you and your partner grow closer together in your physical intimacy.

Research shows that the most reliable way for a woman to achieve orgasm after 50 is with a vibrator or toy, so it’s time to try this out if you haven’t already—partner or not!

Not only do we require more stimulation as we age, but we also can benefit from new types of stimulation. This can be a fun new experience and way to reawaken your sexual being—with or without a partner—as you explore your body in a different and exciting way.

4. Love yourself as you are.

One of my key findings about women in midlife with vibrant sex lives is that they are comfortable in their own skin and familiar with their bodies and what they like and don’t like when it comes to sex. Changes to our bodies and to our sexual anatomy are inevitable as we age, especially if we have children. It’s important that we accept these changes and feel content and deeply connected to ourselves; otherwise, a deep connection with our partner is impossible.

While I believe in loving yourself as you are, I also believe in the power of taking the initiative to address the changes in our sexual bodies that happen due to aging—like vaginal dryness and decreased sensitivity. There are a number of products available to improve sexual desire and functioning, both topically in the form of lubes and creams as well as more in-depth surgical and nonsurgical treatments. Talk to your doctor about what the procedures, products, or other options might be helpful for you.

5. Tune in to your spirituality.

My research affirmed a connection between spiritual wellness and sexual satisfaction. Spirituality looks different for everyone—it can be God, yoga, meditation, nature, or conscious generosity practices. The essential common thread is a deep understanding of connection to something bigger than yourself based in love, connection, and compassion.

While our 30s and 40s are often devoted to work, raising kids, or both, giving us little time for self-reflection, our midlife years offer an opportunity to start relieving ourselves of those burdens, hardships, and resentments. Journaling and meditation can help with this process. Resentment is the No. 1 libido crusher for women, so forgiveness and restoring our relationships are key for healthy, satisfying sex lives in our 50s and beyond.

6. Communicate and be intentional.

Being intentional with your partner is sexy. Small, daily moments of presence, attention, and recognition keep the fire of love alive. Something as small as how you greet each other and say goodbye can make a huge difference in your passion levels. Giving your partner your full attention, even if for a minute, acknowledges that you care about their happiness, and this communication will increase desire in your physical relationship as well.

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What Women Over 40 With Amazing Sex Lives Have In Common

by Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD

When it comes to midlife and sexuality, what are the stories that need to be challenged if we want to be among the sexually woke? Inasmuch as these stories are causing harm or are not true, what might be a healthier way to view the same situation?

As an example, let me tell you how this worked for me. In my early-40s, life felt like I was on a conveyor belt going in one direction and largely out of my control. I was driven by a list of things I was supposed to do. Financial planners told me how much money I needed to earn and save to live to 95, to send my kids to an average of six years of private college, and to keep my invented life looking perfect from the outside. We predicted the rise and fall of the stock market for the next 50 years. Every morning, I got up and did what I was supposed to do. I made lots of money, won lots of awards, and made things seem amazing on Facebook.

My then-husband and I had complex wills, life insurance policies, disability policies, and every other imaginable tool to create the illusion that we had this life figured out and under control. I knew the precise date I was going to retire, as well as the date we were going to sell our home. I knew the dates our kids would get married, how much their weddings would cost, when I would become a grandparent, and the date each of us would probably die. Nothing was unknown.

If the goal of all this planning and attempting to manipulate the future was to provide a sense of safety and security, why did the idea of getting old fill me with dread? Why did following this nicely mapped-out path feel like I was being buried in an early grave? The fact was I had nothing to look forward to. There was nothing exciting or surprising to anticipate. Life had been wrapped carefully and stuffed into a box. Looking into the future felt like looking down a long, dark, narrowing tunnel. It was a death march.

At that same time, I was struggling with getting older. I was getting crow’s feet. Gray hairs became too many to pluck out. My sex drive was nonexistent. Women much younger than me were enjoying leadership roles and accolades and were prominently featured in the media. I could feel myself slowly being pushed out of the picture of what matters.

The real reason women’s sex lives decline over time.

After hearing Ben Zander talk about his book The Art of Possibility in 2010, the wall of that tunnel started to be a little more opaque. A little light started to come in. If there was light on the other side of those tunnel walls, what was out there? I read Zander’s book, and my curiosity started to rise. Within a few months, I was devouring a book every week and attending every seminar I could find on the subject of personal growth and spirituality. As my self-invented tunnel started to crumble, the future began to look quite different: an open field of possibility, openness, emptiness—a blank canvas ready for me to paint.

The degree to which this changed my life cannot be overstated, and all I did was change my perspective. Nothing “out there” changed. The only thing that changed was my ability to see it. I woke up.

Here’s an observation from 20 years as a gynecologist and 52 years as a woman. When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important “secret.” It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

The sexual freedom that can come with age.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives. Surprisingly to me, many women shared similar images and metaphors to describe their own awakening. In Robin’s words:

“The idea of the fullness in life when we are younger is paradoxical because we tend to think of fullness related to success, achievement, money, and status. Then we find the futility when we get to menopause—the futility of trying to hold it all together. The first half of my life, I felt like I was building a very solid structure. That gave me some comfort. But then we literally start to see our bodies fall apart and realize that it’s all falling apart really. That solid structure was not based on anything real. My new house got old, my perfect kids grew up and didn’t do what the plan dictated, and my marriage fell apart. For me, the acceptance of that and letting go of the fantasy of solidity really let me enter the fullness of life. With the solidity of the walls I had created, I had no access to other possibilities. I was pretty delusional that life was solid. After my divorce, I was free—finally free to have that fullness of life and be available to meet someone I could be my full self with as my full sexual being. I’m 55, and life has never been better. As for sex, I’m only just beginning to find out where I can go with that. There’s no road map, no walls. I can go wherever I want. It’s beautiful.”

All of a sudden you have some space. You can finally ask those questions like, “What am I really here to do?” With that space to reflect, you can integrate yourself, pull all those pieces together, and really show up. People might call it a midlife crisis, saying, “Oh, she went nuts, left her husband, and moved to France.” But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s an awakening. More like, “Oh, I’ve only been half here all this time.” When you’ve cut off your sexual being and then find it, it’s like you’ve been walking around without one arm then realizing that you have both. “Wow! Look at all these things I can do now with two arms!” Alexa shares another beautiful metaphor:

“I think of my sexuality as a sea snail, the kind with the coiled shell. For most of my life, my sexuality had lived inside a shell. For one thing, it’s not safe to be gay, so I hid. But now when I feel safe and happy, the snail will venture out of her shell and start to venture across the ocean floor and explore this unknown new world. I used to think the shell was a prison, but it’s really just a place to be safe if there’s real harm around. When I feel safe, there’s a door that I can venture out of and go as far as I want.

I’m 61, and I was thinking about women my age whose sexuality has gone out like the tide or at least they think it has. Then I started thinking about spaciousness, to live in the spaciousness of the unknown, of possibility. Inside the shell can feel safer, but I think an existence with spaciousness is what we are hopefully evolving into. There’s this ‘letting go of certainty’ aspect in sexuality that mirrors letting go into the spiritual life. For me, I think that’s how those two come together. There’s a huge element of letting go around the time of menopause. The reality of our finite life can be very freeing. There’s a letting go of needing to be a certain way, the way that conforms to being young. Instead of framing that as loss, to me it’s letting go of a whole lot of baggage and realizing your shell has a door. It’s freedom.”

I was amazed at how frequently words like freedom and liberation were used by the sexually woke in relation to midlife. This certainly wasn’t what I was taught! Freedom came in many forms: freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from fear of pregnancy, and even freedom to make more noise or be more spontaneous without family in the house. Christine adds:

“Sex is so liberating now. I am past the baby stage. There’s no more waiting for a period to either get here or not and no more worrying about getting pregnant. I know what I like, and we are comfortable with each other. His body knows my body; it ‘listens,’ and it’s learned when to move left or right, keep going, stop, or try something else. Although we talk openly about sex, sometimes he just knows exactly what to do by the way my body is responding. It’s like we are in our 20s again but better because we’ve both learned so much and look forward to just being together.”

“It seems to me there are two possibilities. One is that you are still in a fog of years of youthful, idiotic, and delusional thinking, not really understanding things. On the other hand, now with some years and experience under your belt, you have a certain strength, clarity, and wisdom. I am starting to understand things. In the old days, they would have called me a crone. The wise old woman that the village would go to for advice. But maybe I can be a sexy crone. I feel better than ever. I don’t care so much what other people think. I am free to be myself. I can make love with my husband, and I am all here.”

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Having an Amazing Sex Life During and After Menopause

By

When cartoonist Sharon Rosenzweig was 45 and going through a divorce, she felt the pressure to meet someone new right away. “By the time I’m in my fifties,” she remembers thinking, “I’m going to be so old, I won’t even be interested in sex anymore.” She had this idea that menopause would eradicate her sex drive.

Turns out, she was wrong. She met the man who would become her second husband in the middle of menopause and was surprised to find her sex drive was still quite active. But she did have things to figure out, namely vaginal dryness, a common issue of menopausal and post-menopausal individuals.

Her doctor prescribed her estriol cream and it has made all the difference. For Sharon, sex is now better post-menopause. “I’m surprised how [my body] keeps getting more responsive. Orgasms are longer and more powerful than they used to be. I don’t know if that is me being more comfortable, like being older actually helps, or if it’s this cream or it’s just having figured out a little bit more.”

By the way, estriol cream can be expensive. Sharon recommend looking into https://www.womensinternational.com/contact/ — an affordable pharmacy that does mail order.

Sharon tells her story in the new comic collection Menopause: A Comic Treatment. The embedded video is a promotion for the collection and tells Sharon’s story.

Sharon’s story is not uncommon. MaryJane Lewitt, PhD, RN, CNM, FACNM, is a nurse, midwife, and qualitative researcher who studies the sexuality of post-menopausal individuals. She is finding that, like Sharon has discovered, post-menopause is a time of life where many folks are able to prioritize their own sexuality and overall quality of life.

I interviewed MaryJane about her research. Below, you’ll find tips on navigating sex, relationships, and a holistic sexual self during and post-menopause from MaryJane and Sharon.

But first, a note on the gendered terms used in this article. Since MaryJane’s research has focused primarily on cisgender individuals born with vulvas, for this article, when I quote MaryJane, that’s who we are referring to; however, I hope anyone experiencing menopause can feel included.`

And actually, much of the advice is applicable to anyone in their later years regardless of gender, because much of the changes related to aging aren’t just about menopause. This is really about embracing your whole self through all of life’s changes.

1. Redefine Your Sexual Self

Many aspects of aging can impact one’s sexual desires and goals. You may experience changes in your relationships and your lifestyle, along with physical changes. Menopause (and aging in general) will bring changes to the texture, tone and sensitivity of your skin, including your erogenous zones. You’ll also experience changes to your body hair and natural lubrication.

Combined, these changes can impact what you find pleasurable, as well as how you view yourself as a sexual being. “Women have to deal with the way their body is now versus their expectation of who they were sexually before,” MaryJane said.

What’s important to remember is that these changes do not have to stop you from being a satisfied sexual being, they may just change what that means. And it does not need to be the same as what it was before or what it means to your neighbor.

“Every woman defines what her ideal sexual state is and what her own personal sexuality can be,” MaryJane explained. “It’s not the same for every single individual. Some people want to make sure that they continue sexual intimacy in their lives. Other women don’t necessarily need sexual intimacy in their lives for them to be sexual creatures.”

2. Schedule Time To Talk to Your Healthcare Provider About Sex

“One thing I’m hearing over and over again is that conversations about sexuality with healthcare providers — even OBGYNs, nurse practitioners and midwives — are not happening at the frequency that most patients’ desire.”

These conversations can be uncomfortable for both parties involved, and often, neither the provider nor the patient wants to initiate.

Another reason these conversations aren’t happening is that people assume that the problems they’re facing with their sex life can’t be helped. MaryJane explained this isn’t necessarily true: “A lot of things are starting to become available to women for addressing different elements of their sexuality.”

For instance, during menopause, the body produces less natural lubrication and some over-the-counter lubricants can dry out the skin even more and can aggravate the skin. Physicians can prescribe or offer suggestions for lubricants that will work better.

This is what Sharon experienced. She assumed her doctor would just suggest using generic OTC lubricant, but he was actually well-versed in this issue and had something better for Sharon to try (the estriol cream).

“You have to get past the embarrassment of saying what it is that you are having trouble with. I’ve known my doctor for 25 years, and it was really hard to bring up this topic of vaginal dryness and say those words to my doctor, even though he’s delivered babies,” she explained.

MaryJane recommends scheduling a specific appointment to talk about sex. “These take longer conversations with their healthcare providers to almost give women permission to explore different toys and really figure out what works best for them.”

To prepare for these appointments, she also recommends taking an inventory about what you want and what you’re experiencing. Here are examples of questions to ask yourself from MaryJane:

  • What are the things that you’ve tried to help improve your own personal satisfaction?
  • What are some of the things that have not worked?
  • When have you wanted to experience something different?
  • Was it related to desire? Was it related to something physical?
  • Were you having issues with urine leakage during intercourse which made you feel uncomfortable so you could not reach orgasm? Or was it a lack of that sensation?
  • Are you comfortable with masturbation?”

3. It’s Time to Play

If traditional sexual intimacy (penetrative sex and masturbation) is important to you, but you’re experiencing changes in what’s pleasurable, it’s time to play.

As you age, what feels good changes more quickly. “You’ve got to shift and adapt on a regular basis in order to continuously create those moments of pleasure and intimacy,” Maryjane explained.

To learn to shift and adapt, try new strategies in bed when alone and with partners, which will allow you to rediscover new avenues for pleasure and navigate your body’s changes.

As an example, let’s talk about orgasms. Per MaryJane, post-menopause, it can take people with vulvas longer to achieve orgasm, and the nature of the orgasms can change. “They have to either pregame with a lot more foreplay or different lubricants or, for the first time, they have to try more specific forms of external stimulation from the variety of toys out there.”

And play does not need to involve a partner. Want to really understand your body’s changes and get a sense of your sexual self? You’ll learn new things on your own and it’s good for you.

“Masturbation gives both short term and long term health benefits for women moving through the menopausal period,” MaryJane explained. “The act of masturbation itself increases circulation and lubrication and can maintain elasticity.”

4. Find Companions

Find folks you can open up to about changes to your body, your sex life, and your relationships. You might find that it’s a relief for them to open up as well. And if you’re dating and exploring, you might also find some partners-in-crime.

“Other women are your best allies,” Sharon explained. “They’re not your competitors, they’re your allies because they’re going to be out there dating and meeting people that they wind up not wanting to stick with, and they can pass them along. That’s what happened to me.” (Sharon was introduced to her second husband through a friend who’d dated him first.)

There’s no age limit on meeting new friends and lovers. There are rich opportunities through activity groups, alternative living communities, and more where older individuals are finding friendship and companionship. And people perimenopause are enjoying short-term or casual relationships perhaps more than they have in the past.

One dilemma, according to MaryJane, is that many older individuals were raised in cultures that did not encourage them to ask for what they need or be comfortable talking about sex or sexuality. This becomes a battle of habit and conditioning.

5. Consider The Opinion of Those Around You, But Live Your Own Life

After Sharon got divorced, she had to navigate dating with her teenage daughter in the house. She made the mistake of talking about moving for one potential partner without considering how it would affect her daughter. Here’s her advice for others navigating kids and dating: “I think it’s about being sensitive to what is going on with them. I missed it because my own needs were so central.”

It’s okay for your needs to be central; just be sensitive about how your own life changes affect those closest to you.

6. Be Proud

If you’ve gotten this far in the article, this issue is important to you, so let me leave you with one more thought. However you embrace this stage of life, you can set the example for future generations. You get to be a role model for younger folks like me on what it means to be vibrant and beautiful in the midst of life’s inevitable changes.

Here’s MaryJane: “There is a renaissance in terms of the sexuality of older women in the media right now. We’re seeing a lot of the women with dark gray or white hair — classic beauties — reassert themselves as very strong women at the end of their life. And they’re doing it from a sense of being alone or not having a partner, but their sexuality is very clear and very consistent in the images and in what they’re saying and what is coming forward from them.”

Case in point: about life at 59, author Gail Konop writes, “Contrary to the menopause myth, I am experiencing the sexiest, most vibrant, most intellectually and professionally fertile time of my life. Liberated from waiting for the next stage or event or person to define or save me, I am the leader of my own pod.”

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50 Shades of Confusing:

When Older Adults Date

When seniors find love, their kids don’t always respond well.

By Anthony Cirillo

The divorce rate for people age 50 and up has doubled since the 1990s, in a time when divorce rates overall have fallen 18%. It appears that younger generations are contributing to that decline, marrying later when their career and finances warrant the commitment and being more selective in whom they marry. Of course, many millennials cohabit without the legalities of marriage, so the jury is out in terms of the stability of their overall relationships.

That said, boomers have given their kids one more thing to be infuriated about when mom and dad decide to divorce, start dating and – the horrors! – even have sex in their 50s and 60s. Living longer has caused many of these boomers to re-evaluate their lives. They’ve raised their kids, and now it’s their turn to have some fun … and “their” doesn’t necessarily include their partner. Plus, let’s face it: Women outlive men, so there are a lot of older women alone – and senior isolation is a real and dangerous thing.

Is Senior Dating Different Than Dating When You Were Younger?

The first two lines of the song “The Second Time Around” by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heusen state: “Love is lovelier the second time around, Just as wonderful with both feet on the ground.”

Perhaps the “both feet on the ground” is the key piece here. You’re older and supposedly wiser. Where you meet could change. I admit I met my wife at a nightclub. Caveat – I was in the band, and a friend brought her to see us play. Still, seniors returning to the dating scene probably won’t be hitting the nightclub. A different kind of club might be in order.

Joining groups where your interest matches others is a good place to start. These include: dance classes, art cafes, group theater excursions, senior gyms, special interest and hobby groups, senior trips and excursions. The point of any of these is to meet in a safe, public place. And perhaps it’s a sign of the times for anyone, but let others know where you’re going to be. (We’ll get to the kids in a second!) As for the first kiss and who picks up the check? Opinions differ. Follow your intuition.

So, What About Sex?

Well first, it’s a health issue. The earliest boomers came from the “free love” generation, the 60s. At a stage in life when many would expect sexually transmitted diseases to be waning, STD rates for those 55 and older have increased by 43%. Over the past several years, some 2.2 million Medicare recipients received free tests for sexually transmitted diseases, about the same as the number who received colonoscopies.

Many older adults didn’t get the safe-sex messages that younger generations received, so their condom use is lower. More seniors are living in retirement communities where there’s more socializing. As you age and your immune system weakens, fighting these diseases becomes harder. Add to that the availability and marketing of sex-enhancing drugs, and – well, you can see the issue.

Sex in the Nursing Home

Make no mistake, people are having sex in senior living. A survey of 250 residents in 15 Texas nursing homes found that 8% had sexual intercourse in the preceding month. And according to a study in Clinical Geriatrics, of 63 physically dependent nursing home residents, 90% said they had sexual thoughts, fantasies and dreams.

There are all kinds of implications with this, of course. Then add granny cams to the mix, and you can really complicate things. If someone is in a home, you have to pointedly ask how they handle relationships and sex.

Many nursing-home workers simply don’t look at the elderly as mature adults, but as children who must be policed out of fear of legal or medical repercussion. Most facilities do not train their staff to see residents as sexual beings.

Providers walk a fine line balancing person-centered care with risk management. Yet risk can be minimized with sensitivity and empathy toward resident needs. The Hebrew Home for the Aged in Riverdale, New York, is a national model, so I encourage you to see how they handle these issues.

But consider this true story: A son walked in on his 95-year-old father in bed with his 82-year-old girlfriend in an assisted living facility. Both had dementia. He went ballistic and removed his father from the home. After that, the woman stopped eating. She lost 21 pounds, was treated for depression and was hospitalized for dehydration. Clearly, for them, the relationship was real.

OK Boomer, What Will the Kids Think?

The knee-jerk response from me, a boomer, would be “get over it.” But it’s not that simple.

Understand where adult children are coming from first. The thought of mom or dad in a new relationship can be frightening – and maybe hurtful. Subliminally, kids might want to sabotage the relationship. And even when the children acknowledge their mom or dad’s right to date, they draw a mental line at marriage, which, in their mind, eliminates one parent from the equation entirely.

So as with most things, ease into a conversation. It’s natural to be curious about a parent’s partner. So ask. Maybe mom or dad has a history of being abused or taken advantage of, and the children want to protect them from heartache. In that case, intrusion is necessary.

Older adults are much more forthcoming than you might think. Keep in mind that the love of children and grandchildren can’t satisfy a person’s needs for love, romance and companionship.

A national poll reveals more than 3 out of 4 (79%) of adult children say telling their parents they’re taking away their car keys because they’re no longer fit to drive is the most uncomfortable conversation they could have. Talking to their parents about sex actually ranked third.

In a New York Times piece, Jake Maynard put things in perspective. At first appalled that his grandmother was marrying her former brother-in-law, he wrote, he eventually came to this realization: “I saw my grandmother and Bill not as old people seeking each other’s comfort or as old people at all, really. I saw them as newlyweds, love-struck and hopeful. I thought about how they both had lost love twice before and how they entered into this new love, at 80, knowing they would lose it again. And all at once, they seemed brave.”

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