Month: March 2021

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How lockdown changed the sex lives of young adults – new research

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Lockdown significantly affected our health (for good and bad), our work and how we socialise. These consequences have been widely discussed, but far less attention has been given to the effect on our sex lives.

When lockdown came into force in the UK in March 2020, people from outside the same household were not allowed to meet indoors, and only at set distances outdoors. This meant that sex between people who didn’t live together was effectively criminalised.

In some ways, these restrictions disproportionately affected young adults, who are more likely than older adults to be exploring their sexuality and developing romantic relationships. But the impact of lockdown on people’s sexual desires and sex lives and how this affected their sense of wellbeing was not known. We decided to find out.

For our study, we surveyed 565 people aged 18-32 in the UK at the end of peak lockdown restrictions in May 2020. People were recruited using a survey recruitment site. They were a convenience sample, meaning they were people who were easily available rather than representative of the population as a whole.

Respondents were asked if they engaged in a list of sexual activities both before lockdown and during lockdown. This included intercourse, solo masturbation, and watching pornography. They were also asked to rate their health and wellbeing.

The number of respondents who engaged in each of these activities during lockdown decreased compared with before lockdown. The biggest decrease was for sex with a partner, with just over a quarter of respondents stopping this activity during lockdown (25.5%).

For those participants who continued to engage in sexual activities, we also asked whether the frequency increased or decreased during the period. There were both increases and decreases. Regarding increases, just over a quarter (26%) of people masturbated more often on their own, 20% reported having more intercourse with their partner, and 20% reported watching more pornography on their own.

Yet the same three sexual activities also decreased in frequency for some participants, with a third of people having less sex with their partner, a quarter masturbating alone less, and around a fifth (22%) watching less pornography alone.

People were more likely to report increases in sexual activity if they were male, in a serious relationship, and if they weren’t heterosexual.

We also investigated sexual desire. In our sample, women reported lower sexual desire than men overall, with a significant decrease in sexual desire during lockdown compared with before lockdown. Women with a greater enjoyment of casual sex reported a greater perceived effect of lockdown on their wellbeing.

Our findings, which are published in the Journal of Sex Research, support other reports into the effects of lockdown restrictions. Lockdown measures have disproportionately affected some groups more than others. The reported increase in domestic chores and stress for women during the lockdown may explain the decrease in sexual desire and the negative effect on wellbeing.

Moving out of lockdown

There are many health benefits, both physical and mental, to engaging in regular sexual activity. Sex can be an important component of people’s lives and their identity, particularly for sexual minorities.

There are other concerns about COVID-19 and sexuality. Most sexual health and reproductive services in the UK have been severely limited or closed. There is evidence that access to condoms and contraception was disrupted for young adults during social lockdown.

Some sexual health charities have been offering home testing kits of sexually transmitted infection screenings, but there will be people who do not or cannot use these services. Similarly, there is evidence that birth rates have dropped significantly over the year, which might lead to an associated large increase in births over the next 12 months once people see some stability returning to their lives.

As the UK follows the road map out of lockdown, it is important to consider how those whose sex lives have been restricted will respond to the extra freedom. It has been suggested that we could see a new “roaring 20s” as we return to a new sense of normality.

Government policy ignored sex during lockdown. It needs to actively support sexual health and wellbeing as we return to some kind of normality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What does it mean to be heterosexual?

Being exclusively attracted to people of the opposite sex is a surprisingly recent phenomenon.

By Annie Hayes

While heterosexual sex is certainly nothing new, heterosexuality – the quality of being sexually attracted exclusively to people of the opposite sex – is a surprisingly recent phenomenon. In 1901, Dorland’s Medical Dictionary defined heterosexuality as an ‘abnormal or perverted appetite toward the opposite sex’, which is a far cry from how the term is viewed today.

In a few hundred years, the term heterosexual has transformed from obscure medical jargon into an expression of sexuality that is considered the cultural norm. The pervasive belief that straightness is the default mode of sexual orientation is known as heteronormativity, and it perpetuates gender stereotypes that can do more harm than good.

Therapeutic relationship coach Pascale Lane, love, relationship and sexuality coach at Zoe Clews & Associates Emma Spiegler, and founder of AM: Appointment Nadia Deen, delve into heterosexual meaning, discuss the trappings of heteronormativity, and reveal the key to a happy, healthy relationship:

Heterosexual meaning

A heterosexual person is usually said to be attracted to the ‘opposite’ sex, ie men are attracted to women, and women are attracted to men. Heterosexual orientation operates on the basis that sex is binary: you’re either born male or female. However in truth, biological sex is more of a spectrum, as scientists are discovering.

Generally, people are assumed to be heterosexual unless they state otherwise. This assumption is known as heteronormativity. A real-world example might be finding out that your female friend is in a relationship, and blindly presuming that she’s dating a cisgender man (cisgender means your gender identity correlates with the sex you were assigned at birth) when she may in fact be dating a woman or a non-binary person.

What is compulsory heterosexuality?

Coined by the feminist poet Adrienne Rich in her 1980 essay, Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existence, the term “compulsory heterosexuality” describes the idea that heterosexuality is a political institution enforced by the patriarchy to make women dependent on men for their wants and needs.

This, Rich said, has led to ‘inequality of power, not only between men and women but also non-heterosexual people,’ says Lane. In her essay, she makes the case that heterosexuality ‘is not “normal”, or even inherent to humans, and that women actually do better by having relationships with other women,’ says Deen.

What is heteronormativity?

Heteronormativity is the belief that heterosexuality is the default sexual orientation. It’s upheld by social, legal, economic, political, educational, and religious institutions, which reinforce the presumption that people are inherently heterosexual and that gender and sex are natural binaries through their processes and cultures.

Heteronormative ideology ‘refers to the belief that there are two separate and opposing genders (women and men) with associated natural roles (masculine and feminine), which are in line with their assigned sex (female and male), and that heterosexuality is a given, rather than one of many possible sexualities,’ a review by Leiden University, Utrecht University and the University of Exeter states.

When we decide that something is normal or natural, anything outside of those boundaries becomes unnatural and abnormal.

This exclusionary view can be harmful to the LGBTQI+ community. ‘When we decide that something is “normal” or “natural”, anything outside of those boundaries becomes unnatural and abnormal,’ says Deen. ‘Basing a society on the notion that everyone fits into a cisgender heterosexual box will not only exclude a large portion of people, but it can also become harmful and even dangerous for them.’

It’s still illegal to be gay, bisexual or transgender in many countries, with punishments ranging from jail time to death, Deen continues. And while this is no longer the case in the UK, LGBTQI+ people still frequently feel unsafe going about their daily lives. According to a YouGov poll, one in five LGBT people – and two in five trans people – have experienced a hate crime or incident due to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity in the last 12 months.

Heteronormativity in heterosexual relationships

Heteronormativity can also be harmful to heterosexual people, as it seeks to normalise behaviours and values that reinforce negative stereotypes. This includes gender roles and sociocultural expectations that are based on the sex you were assigned at birth. For example, men are breadwinners, women are home-makers. Men are aggressive, women are nurturing. Men are tall and muscular, woman are thin and graceful.

These ingrained beliefs ‘have far-reaching consequences,’ the aforementioned review states, because they ‘may serve as a straightjacket for those adhering to them. As an illustration, a straight cisgender man who endorses the heteronormative view that children need a breadwinning father and a caring mother, for example, will likely perceive a same-sex couple as lesser parents but also feel uncomfortable taking up paternity leave himself.’

Heteronormativity can also lead to toxic dynamics in heterosexual relationships. A couple may conform to how they ‘ought’ to be behaving and acting in the relationship, says Spiegler. ‘They can end up relating to constructed stories and roles, rather than authentically relating with each other. This can cause a whole host of issues that, if not inquired into and communicated, can cause resentment, conflict and tension.’

For example, when men believe they need to be ‘strong’ and a ‘provider’, there’s little space for emotionality and vulnerability, Spiegler explains. ‘If a man is feeling like he has to repress or hide his emotions, it can have a significant impact on his mental wellbeing,’ she says. It’s no coincidence that suicide is the single biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK.

Another pervasive stereotype is that women are complicated when it comes to sex, Spiegler says. This causes a disparity in the bedroom. Straight women are the least likely to orgasm during partnered sex, despite straight men reaching the Big O almost every time, according to a study of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour.

5 tips for healthy heterosexual relationships

Challenging heteronormativity can have a positive impact on your relationships, regardless of your sexual orientation. ‘It is important to note that the need to challenge heteronormativity is not a challenge on heterosexuality,’ says Deen. It’s not about tearing down heterosexual relationships, but building happier, healthier ones:

1. Consider your dating preferences

Take stock of any ways your dating preferences are influenced by gender roles and stereotypes – perhaps you “only date tall men” as a rule, or feel put off when a woman initiates the conversation on a dating app. Rigid dating preferences can actually hinder your chances of future happiness.

2. Make your own rules

Setting gendered dating rules can reinforce negative stereotypes and prevent you from meeting new and interesting people. ‘We can do this in so many ways – from having “rules” around who pays for the bill on the first date, to who initiates the first kiss, and who organises the date,’ says Spiegler. ‘The important thing to remember is that what looks “perfect” on paper might not actually work in real life. Ideally you are looking for both a match in compatibility and values, and if you are heavily focusing on gender roles you may miss the person behind the role.’

We are all responsible for changing stereotypical behaviours in order to bring about equality, not just for ourselves but for generations to come.

3. Challenge stereotypes

In heterosexual relationships, there can be assumed roles about who pays for dinner, cooks, cleans up, does the laundry, instigates sex, and so on. ‘It’s all stuff that we are raised to see as totally normal, and yet intellectually we know is not,’ Lane says. ‘We are all responsible for changing these stereotypical behaviours in order to bring about equality, not just for ourselves but for the generations to come.’

4. Communication is key

If you’re looking to redress the balance in an existing relationship, the key is honest, open communication, says Lane.’Whether your struggles are around sexuality, sexual practice or gender stereotyping, taking the time to really explain your thoughts and feelings to each other is almost guaranteed a positive outcome,’ she says. ‘If you are both invested in each other and both want the relationship to work, nothing is insurmountable.’

5. Break the heteronormative cycle

Heteronormativity is not an easy concept to overcome. ‘These attitudes and behaviours have largely been in place for generations and are handed down to us not only from our families but from society and media as a whole,’ Lane adds. But by making a conscious effort not to hold others to heteronormative standards, you can help to break the cycle.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Think You Can’t Have Good Sex After a Chronic Illness Diagnosis?

Think Again!

Your sex life shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

by Amy Mackelden

Receiving an unexpected diagnosis can affect every aspect of your life, including your sex life.

There are so many misconceptions when the topics of chronic illness and sex converge, making it a potentially scary subject for anyone learning to live within their “new normal.”

I was diagnosed with relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis (RRMS) 2 weeks after my 30th birthday, and I had a plethora of questions on my mind, some of which involved my sex life.

Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a chronic condition in which a person’s nervous system attacks itself, creating lesions on the brain and spine, often damaging the nerve pathways. This can result in numbness, tingling, itching, nerve pain, spasticity, mobility changes, and many other symptoms.

As a result, I knew my sex life was going to change, but I had no idea how.

It took some time, but I eventually discovered it was possible to have a satisfying sex life while living with a chronic illness and disability.

It might seem obvious to anyone who’s living with a lifelong condition or disability that sex is often an important aspect of our lives. However, when it comes to seeking medical advice following a life altering diagnosis, sex regularly goes unmentioned.

Research shows that many healthcare providers have limited knowledge of and confidence in talking about sexuality and chronic illness and disability. They’re also commonly really uncomfortable bringing it up with patients.

Meanwhile, research is limited on sexual dysfunction related to chronic illness. It makes sense, then, that some medical professionals may be uncomfortable addressing the subject with patients.

However, this lackluster response can sadly make those of us with chronic conditions feel as though we’re asking too much, or that the support we need just isn’t available.

If, like me, you’ve broached the subject of sex with a medical professional, it’s likely that you’ve also had mixed results.

Some suggestions have been helpful, from “use more lube” to “have sex earlier in the day to avoid fatigue.”

Others have made me question whether my sex life is important, and more specifically, if anyone else believes that my sex life is worth saving.

However, it’s crucial to find the right healthcare provider who understands the unique needs of someone facing a difficult diagnosis or lifelong condition.

It’s impossible to explore all of the ways that a chronic illness or disability might affect a person’s sex life, especially as each individual will be affected differently.

After finding out that I have MS, my sex life changed, first for the worse, and then for the better.

I had a major relapse that affected both of my legs and caused numbness from the waist down. This made sex an uncomfortable experience for several months afterwards, and I lost the ability to feel orgasms.

There were times I wondered whether I’d ever experience an orgasm again. Sex itself felt strange and made me tingle all over, not in a good way.

My body has also been affected by pain, mobility changes, and fatigue, but I’ve persevered in spite of any difficulties because I didn’t want to give up on having a sex life.

While I’ve spoken to some wonderfully supportive doctors and medical professionals, it’s also been suggested that companionship is more important in a relationship and that I should make the most of what I have, even if it doesn’t involve sex.

The implication, of course, was that sex was somehow less important to a person with an incurable illness, but that’s simply not the case.

When it comes to disability, people often speak of accessibility, so why shouldn’t the same parameters extend to having sex?

Here are some of the things that might make sex more accessible (and more fun!) if you’re living with a chronic illness.

Communication is key

While it might sound obvious, communication is key in any relationship.

“Some people believe that if two people love each other, sexual activities should automatically feel mutually wonderful and satisfying,” says Lee Phillips, EdD, LICSW, a licensed clinical psychotherapist and AASECT certified sex therapist.

“The number of sexual problems reported by people with chronic illness demonstrates all too conclusively that there is nothing automatic about sex,” says Phillips.

It’s all too easy to feel frustrated when sex and intimacy don’t magically happen the way we want it to.

When one or both partners in a relationship have a disability or chronic illness, it’s more important than ever to talk through any issues or concerns there might be.

For instance, sometimes my condition affects my ability to physically feel anything during penetrative sex, and I always let my partner know about any new symptoms or changes I’m experiencing.

“Sexual communication is critical because it can address sexual likes and dislikes, turn-ons and turn-offs, sexual needs and desires, sexual fears and concerns, past positive sexual experiences, and past negative sexual experiences,” says Phillips. “It is the key ingredient for enhancing a sex life.”

Explore intimacy and your ‘new normal’

While not everyone will be interested in therapy after receiving a surprising medical diagnosis or adjusting to life with a disability, finding a therapist who understands your needs could make all the difference.

“I always call therapy the safe container,” says Phillips, who hosts the Sex & Chronic Illness podcast.

“It is the place where people who are chronically ill feel safe and it is a place where they are not judged. It is the place where they can learn the skills in using their voice. This helps them become more aware and assertive in expressing their sexuality.”

If you’ve recently received a diagnosis, then it’s possible you’re feeling shell-shocked and lacking in confidence.

This is why considering therapy and finding a specialized therapist could be particularly helpful, especially if you’re dealing with relationships, intimacy, and sex.

“We have to realize that when so much changes in a person or a couple’s life due to chronic illness, a satisfying sex life can be one way to feel healthy and normal,” says Phillips.

Get creative

Whether you’ve always hoped to explore your sexuality in more depth, or you’re looking to spice things up post-diagnosis, it’s always possible to create more fun, excitement, and surprises in your sex life.

“When living with a chronic illness, sex can be a powerful source for comfort, pleasure, and intimacy,” Phillips says. “Therefore, I always say that you have to get curious about your partner and get creative with your sex. People start to look at this as a new sexual adventure because so much has changed due to chronic illness.”

If, like me, your physical sensations have changed with your chronic illness, you might need to try new positions and techniques to achieve orgasm or feel good during sex.

If you can, try viewing this as a positive thing rather than a burden and an opportunity to create greater intimacy with a partner.

Depending on your illness or disability, you may not be able to restore sensation to certain part of your body. That doesn’t mean pleasure isn’t possible.

“Focus should be on stimulation to the chosen area without any plans of moving to any other areas or having sexual intercourse,” says Phillips. “These exercises place the emphasis on intimacy and pleasure over the goal of performance and orgasm.”

If your body has changed because of a chronic condition or disability, then using toys or props might help. (If you have regularly bemoaned the lack of fully accessible sex toys, a new company, Handi, might soon have the answer.)

Don’t give up if you don’t want to

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that the choice of whether to have a sex life is yours and yours alone.

Whether you’re working on your orgasm solo (like I needed to do), or you’re embracing sexual intimacy with another person, your sex life is yours.

It shouldn’t be halted because of bad advice, embarrassed doctors, or a lack of knowledge.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding Your Own Sexuality Will Give You Confidence With Others

By Cindy Cummings

Intimacy and sexuality can be an anxiety-inducing subject for many young people. One study, analyzed by the UK’s Guardian Newspaper, found that 35% of young people experienced at least one problem in the bedroom, with 8% reporting anxiety and 10% reporting a lack of enjoyment. The problem often stems from a lack of self-awareness. Understanding yourself and your body will help you to be confident in intimacy with lovers, and ensure that you have a healthy and fulfilling grasp of your own sexuality.

Exploring your own body

There’s no shame in wanting to explore your own sexuality and sexual preferences. As the Australian health service highlight, knowing exactly what you enjoy and what makes you happy is an important part of identifying your sense of self and, by extension, self-worth. How can you achieve this? Looking to experiment with your own sexuality, whether that be with realistic sex toys like fleshlights or vibrators, or through reading about similar experiences online, can help you to develop a clear picture of your own preferences and build a foundation for future relationships.

Becoming confident

It’s straightforward to establish what you like – but how can you turn that into self-confidence and awareness of your own body? You might think that those in long-term, committed relationships benefit the most from this sense of self-esteem. However, studies reported by Psychology Today have shown that married men often have a lower sense of sexual self-esteem. Developing this confidence is not so different from developing good mental health habits elsewhere – if you look after yourself and accept your inner qualities and personality, you will develop confidence.

Transferring that confidence to partners

Sexual activity in itself is a boon to mental health, confidence, and shared understanding. Healthline report that it provides benefits to multiple areas of your life, including physical, intellectual, emotional, and psychological wellbeing. However, going into a relationship with someone and carrying their stresses can lead to the opposite impact. Having a well-founded sense of self and being able to communicate that will give a much healthier start to any relationship, and will break with the conventional wisdom of needing to be a strongman in the relationship.

Building confidence in yourself will enable you to react well with others. Sex is about understanding, being relaxed, and not carrying anxieties. Start with yourself before you make the jump into a relationship – you’ll thank yourself, and you’ll build a foundation for a strong future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexually Frustrated?

How To Deal, Whether You’re Single Or In A Relationship

by Farrah Daniel

Anyone can experience sexual frustration from time to time, but it’s important to learn how to cope with the tension when sex is inaccessible, you’re not having the kind you want, or otherwise.

What is sexual frustration?

“Sexual frustration is dissatisfaction with one’s sex life and can be due to quantity or quality issues,” board-certified sexologist Jessica Cline, MSW, Ph.D., tells mbg. You could have frequent sex and still be sexually frustrated, or the tension arises because you feel you don’t have enough of it or your needs don’t get met.

While sexual frustration and horniness can intersect and share some similarities, they’re not the same. “Horny is the desire or arousal for sexual activity and can have more of a positive tone, as culturally we use the term to imply we are turned on,” Cline explains. You can be horny but not sexually frustrated, though being horny with unmet sexual needs can easily cause frustration.

Sexual frustration isn’t a medical diagnosis. Anyone can experience this common sensation, so no one’s alone in the struggle.

If you’re in a funk and being short with your partner when you communicate, it might not be because of a bad day at work—you could be sexually frustrated.

Below are some potential indicators of sexual frustration. While none of these behaviors definitively mean someone is sexually frustrated, they can be common behaviors for someone who’s dealing with sexual frustration.

  1. Checking out mentally
  2. Constant arguing in a relationship 
  3. Living vicariously through friends’ sex life
  4. Engaging in unhealthy coping skills (i.e., binge eating or drinking)
  5. Frequently asking a partner about or for sex
  6. Increased display of physical touch and bids for connection
  7. Impatience
  8. Increased consumption of porn
  9. Irritability
  10. Leading any topic or argument back to sex
  11. Restlessness and trouble sleeping 
  12. Frequently fantasizing about sex
  13. Seeing only the negative in your partner
  14. Starting fights for no reason or magnifying minor issues

What causes the frustration?

People typically experience sexual frustration because of lackluster sexual connections, low libido, or dissatisfaction with the quality of their sex life. Still, there are myriad reasons that create the building blocks of this natural feeling.

Lack of partners

The most obvious cause of sexual frustration is simply not having anyone to have sex with. You may be ready and available for sex, but finding a sex partner can be a lengthy and frustrating process. “Many people feel very awkward and uncomfortable with online dating and are unsure how to meet people IRL,” Sweet notes. Because of that, she says loneliness can cause sexual frustration.

Poor communication

“While negotiating sex is an important part of relationships, people don’t always know how to communicate what they need, which can be very frustrating,” explains sex-positive psychotherapist Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC.

Sweet believes that because American society doesn’t teach young adults how to negotiate and talk about sex and desire comfortably, “Those young folks grow into old folks who find themselves older and more experienced but still without the skills to effectively communicate about sex.”

Without communication, sexual needs can go ignored or unmet. “At some point, one may stop initiating and give up, which often results in a sexless relationship,” shares Cline, “and those people can often end up in my office.”

Our physical wiring

The benefits of sex and a healthy sex drive extend way beyond pleasure and mind-blowing orgasms. Sex is also great for our physical health, says Cline, and it’s a great stress-reducer. Plus, “Sex can lower blood pressure, reduce pain, improve sleep, and improve heart health.”

Without this rejuvenating and restorative physical experience—whether because of a dry spell, discontentment with your partner, or poor health—it makes sense for your body to feel out of tune and tense as pent-up energy continues to build.

Our emotional wiring;

We’re sexual beings, which means pleasure and desire are our birthrights, says Sweet. In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, sex is in the same category as food and water, showing that many people experience sex as a vital and baseline need. “When we can’t get our sexual needs met, this can be frustrating,” she says, especially because of the importance of connection to the human experience.

According to Cline, people crave connection emotionally and psychologically, even if they’re bad at it. “To be without connection in our lives goes against our wiring.”

Commoditizing sex

Unhealthy perspectives on sex also contribute to sexual frustration “Thoughts like ‘I should be having more sex,’ or ‘someone should give me more sex,'” for example, are a big culprit, says urologist and life coach Kelly Casperson, M.D.

“I think sometimes people believe they deserve to have their sexual desires met by a partner,” shares Sweet. Often, this belief stems from their upbringing, society, gender roles, religion, past partners, “or straight-up selfishness.”

There are other ways that commoditizing sex leads to sexual frustration, too. In fact, Casperson says some people use sex as a vehicle for self-esteem. “Someone may become reliant on sex as an external reward—i.e., boosting self-image—and may never feel satisfied due to the internal work that needs to be done.”

Medical barriers

Many medical issues can lead to a lowered sex drive and impede your ability to have sex or orgasm, which can naturally make a person feel sexually frustrated.

Some conditions that can decrease libido include:

  • Anxiety
  • Chronic pain and diseases
  • Depression
  • Genital discomfort
  • Hormone imbalances
  • Sexual dysfunction disorders that inhibit the expression of sexuality through desire and interest, arousal, and ability to orgasm
  • Stress
  • Side effects of medications (i.e., blood pressure medication, beta-blockers, antipsychotics, or opioids)

On the other hand, some medical issues increase sexual desire, which can also cause frustration. “Always being aroused can be a medical condition called persistent arousal disorder, in which someone is in a constant state of arousal, even after orgasm,” shares Cline.

What to do about it.

The tension of sexual frustration can pass naturally, so the easiest way to deal with being sexually frustrated is to simply wait it out. There are also plenty of outlets to help you relieve that energy, like exercise and meditation.

“Sexual frustration is a form of stress, so stress management techniques that work for other forms of stress likely apply here,” explains Sweet. “In the therapy work, we call it self-care.”

The strategies you choose to self-care and calm your mind and body are up to you, but here are some ideas to help you get started.

Physical ways:

  • Masturbate regularly.
  • Have virtual sex via text, video, or online.
  • Watch pornography (here’s how to find ethical porn).
  • Find a partner to have sex with (i.e., sex workers, one-night stands, friends with benefits, or casual dating)
  • Go out and connect with friends.
  • Exercise, which is “actually correlated with a more sexually active life,” says Casperson.
  • Move your body through dancing, yoga, or other cardiovascular activities.
  • If in a relationship, explore other types of physical touch to connect with your partner.
  • Take orgasms off the table the next time you have sex, and only explore pleasure.
  • Use sex toys.

Emotional ways:

  • Communicate your desires to your partner.
  • Listen to calming music.
  • Practice mindfulness and meditation.
  • Use your voice (like singing while dancing) as a way to release.
  • Write out your frustrations in a journal, collage, or other visual medium to process the emotions flowing through you.

“A natural way to increase dopamine is to try something new and exciting,” says Cline, “so you may want to invest in learning something new or trying something that scares you a little.”

What to do if you’re in a relationship and your partner’s sexual drive doesn’t match yours.

If you feel you’re not having enough sex in your relationship, that’s more common than people and movies let on. “Mismatched sex drive [affects] every couple,” says Casperson. “We need to normalize this.”

You and your partner won’t always be horny together, so the best way to navigate the sexual frustration that may arise is through communication.

“One of the biggest solutions to desire differences—which happens to most couples at some point in their relationship—is communication,” shares Cline. “Most couples are able to talk about a lot of stuff but have a hard time talking about sex.”

Try to communicate your needs and desires openly to your partner with these four tips:

Be confident.

Two of the biggest issues Cline sees in sex therapy are a lack of confidence and communication. 

“Communication may reveal barriers to a better sex life that can be addressed or reveal that it’s something that isn’t changeable at this time,” she says. With a transparent approach to communication, partners can empower each other to ask for and discuss other ways to have their needs met, or they can work on acceptance of a sex life adjustment.

Find a compromise.

Every relationship needs to negotiate the rules of engagement for sex and romance and to renegotiate them over time, Sweet says. Additionally, Casperson advises people to realize “Your partner is not responsible to fulfill all of your needs or desires.”

Sweet recommends people talk with their partners about how to best compromise on the mismatch of desire. She often works with couples where penis-in-vagina sex is off the table, but mutual masturbation, heavy petting, kissing, massage, sexting, reading erotica together, watching porn, and other activities are OK.

“Recognize you are both an individual sexual being and a partnered sexual being. Don’t undervalue your own ability to get yourself off, independent of a partner,” she says.

Be open to learning (and relearning).

“When it comes to desire, most of us respond to what helps us feel connected and loved (responsive desire), so it’s up to us to do those things to help invoke our lover’s desire,” says sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, M.A.

If you and your partner’s sexual urges don’t match, learn what turns them on through conversations about desire, seduction, fetishes, erogenous zones, and more, even if you think you already know.

Don’t hesitate to learn more about your own sexual needs, too. “Sometimes, for the person who doesn’t crave sex as much, I suggest saying yes to sex,” says Stewart, “because sometimes people forget about how good sex feels and how great orgasms can be, so they need that reminder.”

Get the help of an expert.

“In some cases, seeing a therapist or educator who specializes in clinical sexology can help a couple reconcile the difference in sexual desire,” Sweet says. Rather than getting their partner to participate or express interest in sex, she finds that “for most folks, the hardest thing is talking to their partner about their needs, fantasies, and desires.”

Finding the language to express your needs and desires is difficult (and uncomfortable!), but it’s worth it to find resources that can help break the barrier that leads to a more fulfilling sex life.

Takeaways.

Whether you’re flying solo or in a committed relationship, sexual frustration is a common experience we’ve all had—that means there’s nothing wrong with you or your body for feeling this way.

As you navigate this tension, remember you have tons of options to physically and emotionally relieve it. Plus, you can use this opportunity to re-imagine your sex life completely.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Pressure To Be The Perfect Man

By Essex Mag

The pressure to be the perfect man takes its toll sometimes. This pressure comes from both external and internal influences. Work and family issues can cause stress and anxiety to build up and this can reveal itself in both physical and psychological symptoms. Often performance anxiety is also caused by a lack of confidence or self-esteem. Men can feel pressure to perform in the bedroom and unfortunately, this can lead to other issues such as erectile dysfunction (ED) and an added strain on the relationship. There are several ways to boost your self-esteem, however. With a few tips, you can learn to tackle anything life throws at you.

Seek professional advice

If you’re concerned about erectile dysfunction or other issues relating to sexual health, the first thing to do is seek professional advice. Speaking to your doctor will give you peace of mind. They will be able to get to the root of the problem and recommend a suitable solution according to your unique requirements. There are treatments available such as Sildenafil which contain the active ingredient to combat ED. Your doctor might also refer you to a therapist to discuss stress, anxiety, or self-esteem issues. Online therapy is a good option. It’s discreet and flexible and you can book remote sessions. Your therapist will also suggest other activities that will help boost your confidence.

Set yourself goals

In order to motivate yourself, you need to start setting attainable goals. This way you can celebrate every milestone along the way, and gain confidence as you go. The SMART goals model is designed to help you set the right goals according to certain criteria. All objectives, whether professional or personal, should be specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Write down your goals and prioritize them according to these criteria. Break them down into tasks and plan how you’re going to achieve them.

Get active

Many studies have shown that physical activity can help to combat ED. It’s also a natural confidence-booster. Getting active will increase healthy blood flow, help with weight loss, and give you a newfound surge of energy. These can all help to improve performance in the bedroom. Exercise is also beneficial for mental wellbeing. It’s a great stress-reliever and releases endorphins which trigger a positive feeling in the body. Physical activity, therefore, improves your mood and self-esteem.

Find a new hobby

There are several reasons why hobbies are important. They are the perfect way to distract yourself and take a break from your stressful life. Find a new hobby that interests you, whether it’s active, creative, or intellectual. You could even take a course at work for professional development, or learn a new skill you’ve always been interested in. This way you can forget about your troubles from time to time and focus on something different. This will help you gain a sense of perspective and give you a confidence boost.

Meditation

You could also try using mindfulness meditation to improve your sex life. There are guided meditations and tips online to help you. Meditation can be used to target certain issues, but it’s also good for your general well-being. It allows you to clear your mind of cluttering or negative thoughts. You’ll then be able to find your inner calm and focus on the positives. The best thing about meditation is that you can do it anytime anywhere. You need any tools or equipment and it’s completely free. It all depends on you and taking the time to get centred. It’s also the perfect time of year to try meditating outside, take a walk in an area of natural beauty near you.

Pamper yourself

Everyone needs a little pampering from time to time and it’s a great way to relax and get a confidence boost. You could try recreating the spa at home with a few DIY treatments. Give yourself a facial or invest in some self-massage tools. Add a few essential oils to a warm bath and get some quality me-time. A new look might also help to improve your self-esteem. Here are a few grooming tips to boost confidence. Treat yourself to a professional shave or a new haircut. Buy yourself a present or new outfit, sometimes a little retail therapy can do the trick.

When the pressure to be the perfect man gets overwhelming, remember to practice self-care. Take time for yourself away from the stresses of everyday life. You’ll return relaxed and rejuvenated, with the confidence and energy you need in the bedroom.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex between straight men challenges traditional sexual identities

Attractions, behaviours and identities do not always align, says UBC professor Tony Silva

By Craig Takeuchi

If straight men have sex with other men, that means that they’re closeted, and have internalized homophobia, right?

Not necessarily, according to University of British Columbia sociology professor Tony Silva.

Silva’s new book Still Straight: Sexual Flexibility Among White Men In Rural America (New York University press, 264 pages, $28), poses a challenge to and questions those notions about straight and LGBT people.

Drawing upon interviews with 60 white men from rural areas in the United States over three years, Silva delves into the sex lives of straight men who have hookups, sexual friendships and secretive loving relationships with other men, but remain mostly attracted to women and strongly identify with straight culture.

Although straight men have been known to have sex with other men in all-male environments, such as prison or the military, this murky area of sexual identity and experience has been clouded by issues of secrecy, privacy, homophobia and denial.

Also, though this isn’t the first look at this subject, examination of this area remains limited.

Silva makes the assertion that the men he focuses on in his book aren’t closeted, bisexual or experimenting, and that they aren’t a version of the tortured love story in Brokeback Mountain.

In a recent Q&A with the University of British Columbia, Silva explains differentiations about sexual behaviour, attraction and identity, and addresses issues of homphobia.

Why do straight-identified men have sex with other men?

The majority of the men I interviewed reported that they are primarily attracted to women, not men. Most of these men are also married to women and prefer to have sex with women. They explained that although they loved their wives, their marital sex lives were not as active as they wanted. Sex with men allowed them to have more sex. They don’t consider sex with men cheating and see it as a loophole in their marriage contract.

Some of them also have stereotypical beliefs about women’s sexuality and think that if they have extramarital sex with women, the women could become “emotionally clingy” and that it could threaten their marriage. People who live in small towns and rural areas typically consider marriage as an important part of their identity. These men think that sex with men is a lot less complicated with no attachment. I find it particularly interesting and ironic that their conservative beliefs about gender actually encourage them to have sex with men.

Other men chose to have sex with men for reasons related to masculinity. Some men enjoyed receiving anal sex from other men because this act allowed them to experience pleasure, but without the pressure they felt when they had sex with women. For example, several men explained that they felt like they were expected to be in control when they had sex with women, but not with men. Several single men were lonely or wanted to experience human touch, but were unsure how to do so platonically in a way that felt masculine. Sex helped them connect with other men in a way that felt masculine to them, ironic as that may sound.

Why do these men still identify as straight? Why are they not considered bisexual?

Most of the men identified as straight because they felt that this identity best reflected their romantic relationships with women, their integration in communities composed mostly of straight people, or the way they understood their masculinity. Identifying as straight also meant they could avoid stigma and feel connected to a socially dominant group. Many felt that sex with men was irrelevant to their identities given other aspects of their lives. They felt that heterosexuality and masculinity were “normal” and expected of them.

Furthermore, sexuality is multidimensional and attractions, behaviours and identities do not always align. Sexual identities may describe how individuals perceive themselves, but they do not always indicate a person’s attractions or sexual behaviours.

For example, when a “closeted” gay or bisexual man has sex with another man, he views that sex as reflecting his secret gay/bisexual identity. When a straight-identified man has sex with another man, he views himself as straight despite sex with men.

While many people understandably think that men are “closeted” if they have sex with other men yet identify as straight, this is not exactly true. These men are secretive about their sexual behaviour, but not their identity. In fact, sexual encounters with men are mostly irrelevant to their identity.

How do these men view homosexuality and LGBTQ2+ rights?

A minority of the men I interviewed were homophobic and held prejudice against LGBTQ2+ people and this prejudice makes the thought of an LGBTQ2+ identity unappealing to them. However, the majority of the men, supported same-sex marriage and the right for same-sex couples to raise children.

To confirm these interview findings, I analyzed one nationally representative survey called the National Survey of Family Growth. I looked at the responses of straight-identified men who reported consensual sex with at least two other men, compared to those who had not, on questions about LGBTQ2+ rights and masculinity. They were similar in their attitudes to other straight men. In other words, straight men who have sex with men are no more prejudiced than other straight men.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What does it mean to be intersex?

by Jayne Leonard

“Intersex” is the term that a person may use when they have both male and female sex characteristics. These characteristics include genitalia, hormones, chromosomes, and reproductive organs.

Being intersex is not a disease. It is a naturally occurring variation in humans. Likewise, being intersex does not affect an infant’s physical health, though it may cause complications as time goes on, including potential issues with fertility.

This article will explore what it means to be intersex, including its relationship with sexuality and identity.

Intersex is an umbrella term that describes differences in sex characteristics that do not fit the typically binary idea of male or female. Sex characteristics include genitals, hormones, and chromosome patterns.

There are many ways that a person can be intersex. The organization Intersex Human Rights Australia state that there are at least 40 different intersex variations.

Some intersex traits may be visible at birth, while others may not appear until the person reaches puberty. In some cases, a person may never know that they are intersex.

According to some estimates, up to 1.7% of the population has intersex traits. This is comparable with the number of people who have red hair.

Some people may also refer to someone who is intersex as having differences in sex development.

One 2020 study indicates that intersex people may show a range of gender identities. Gender identity refers to the personal sense of an individual’s gender regardless of their sex.

A 2015 Australian survey reports a similar finding, with 75% of intersex respondents identifying their gender as either “male” or “female” and the remaining 25% choosing a variety of other options, including intersex. It was possible for respondents to choose multiple options.

Intersex is not the same as nonbinary, wherein people do not identify exclusively as a man or a woman.

The National Center for Transgender Equality explain that nonbinary people are usually not intersex. They typically have either male or female sex characteristics, but they do not see their gender identity as being either a man or a woman.

Intersex is also not the same as transgender, wherein a person’s gender identity may differ from the traditional expectations of the sex a doctor assigned them at birth.

Some intersex people may describe themselves as being transgender or nonbinary, however.

How to identify

Doctors will always assign intersex infants a legal sex. In most of the United States, this will be male or female. However, this does not have to influence a person’s gender identity.

People can self-identify as another gender and choose to live according to this gender. Some may identify as nonbinary and have multiple genders or no gender, while others may move between genders or consider themselves other-gendered.

It should be the person’s choice as to which gender they identify with. They should not feel that they must adhere to the gender typically associated with the sex a doctor or family assigned them at birth or to the gender that society may assign them based on their appearance or anatomy.

Sometimes, it is obvious that an infant is intersex. An intersex infant may have:

  • no vaginal opening
  • labia that do not open
  • a penis without a urethral opening
  • a smaller penis than expected
  • a larger clitoris than expected
  • outwardly male or female genitalia but the internal anatomy of the other sex

Other times, it may only become apparent that someone is intersex during puberty, when they do not reach the expected milestones for their sex due to hormonal differences.

In other cases, a person may not discover that they are intersex until adulthood. For example, some may find out when they are trying to conceive, while others may find out during an unrelated medical procedure.

When an infant is born intersex, doctors and the infant’s parents will often decide to “assign” the infant a sex and raise them according to the gender norms associated with that sex.

Doctors may sometimes perform surgery on the infant’s genitals, but most medical organizations now consider this unacceptable. Some may also prescribe hormone treatments during puberty, but this is also seen as unacceptable.

The aim of these treatments has typically been to make the infant better “fit” into either the male or female category.

However, there is a growing movement that aims to change how medical professionals, parents, and others view intersex people. As it is not a disease, many believe that intersex does not require treatment.

Amnesty International, the United Nations, and intersex advocacy groups are all highlighting concerns associated with performing medically unnecessary surgeries and treatments on infants and young children who cannot make their own decisions.

Instead, these groups advocate for intersex people to be able to make their own decisions about treatment when they are older.

Occasionally, however, children and young adults may need treatment for health conditions associated with having intersex anatomy. It is, therefore, important to distinguish between interventions that are medically necessary and those that are not.

Sexuality refers to a person’s sexual feelings, thoughts, and behaviors toward others.

There are several types of sexuality, including heterosexual, homosexual, and pansexual, among others. Some individuals may prefer not to use any labels to describe their sexuality.

Sexuality is independent of a person’s physical anatomy or gender identity. Research involving intersex people shows no correlation between sexuality and gender identity, just as there is no correlation among those who are not intersex.

In the 2015 Australian survey, 48% of respondents identified as heterosexual, 22% identified as bisexual, and 18% identified as homosexual.

Sometimes, an intersex person will have male or female reproductive organs and genitals but have chromosomes typically associated with the other sex.

Other people may have various combinations of chromosomes that are different from the typically male chromosomes (XY) or the typically female chromosomes (XX).

Some conditions that may affect chromosomes and can cause intersex anatomy include Klinefelter syndrome and Turner syndrome.

Klinefelter syndrome occurs when a person is born with an extra copy of the X chromosome (XXY). People with this condition may have smaller testicles than expected, lower testosterone levels, reduced muscle mass, and enlarged breast tissue.

Turner syndrome occurs when a person is born with a missing or partially missing X chromosome. It can cause a variety of issues, including ovarian failure, heart defects, and slowed growth.

It is important to note that a person’s chromosomal makeup does not have to define their gender identity. People should support those with intersex characteristics and encourage them to choose their own gender identity.

The following are some frequently asked questions about intersex.

Is the term ‘hermaphrodite’ offensive?

InterACT, the advocacy group for intersex youth, advise that people should never use the term hermaphrodite to describe an intersex person.

Many intersex people consider it a slur, though some may choose to reclaim the word.

Is intersex the same as ambiguous genitalia?

No, it is not the same thing. Some intersex people have typically male or typically female genitalia, yet their hormones or chromosomes may more closely align with the other sex.

Some intersex people may not like the term ambiguous genitalia, as they do not feel that there is anything ambiguous about their genitalia.

Do intersex people need treatment or surgery?

No. Being intersex is not a disease. Therefore, it does not require treatment.

However, some people may choose to undergo surgery to get genitalia that correspond with those typically associated with their gender identity. Others may require medical intervention due to complications that arise from having intersex genitalia, such as difficulty urinating.

How and why do people assign sex at birth?

Most countries and states in the U.S. require doctors to assign infants a sex (typically male or female) at birth. However, this is something that people may be able to change later on.

Doctors and families may believe that performing surgery at birth may make life easier, both medically and socially, for the infant as they grow up. However, this can lead to issues later in life, especially if the person later identifies as another gender.

Can intersex people have children or get pregnant?

Some intersex people can reproduce, but others cannot. Some may be able to with the help of in vitro fertilization. It depends on the individual, their anatomy, and their hormones.

According to InterACT, many intersex variations do cause infertility, but not all do.

Are there support groups for intersex people?

There are intersex support groups in various states and countries. There are also online forums and groups for intersex people. InterACT maintain a list of intersex support and advocacy groups here.

The term intersex describes a range of bodily variations that do not fit into conventional definitions of male or female. People with intersex traits may identify with a range of genders and sexualities, just as non-intersex people do.

Being intersex is not a disease, and it does not require treatment unless complications arise.

Support and advocacy groups for those who are intersex and those who have intersex children can help people navigate the challenges of being intersex and connect with other intersex people.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Talking About Sex, Intimacy, and MS

By BNS Staff

This is Daana Townsend’s story:

My name is Daana Townsend, and I was diagnosed with RRMS in March 2004. I was 23. My mother and aunt also have MS.

My treatment journey started with Avonex and continued with Tysabri, plasmapheresis, and Lemtrada, and finally Ocrevus (my current DMT or disease-modifying therapy).

After being in what I refer to as denial about the impact of MS on my life, I finally decided to open up about my experiences as a Black woman with MS (a narrative often missing in the community).

In 2018, a friend and fellow MSer, Dawn Morgan, and I started the Myelin & Melanin podcast. We’re two Black women sharing our musings about life, MS, and everything in between.

This brings me to a juicy topic: Sex and intimacy.

During season three, we produced two different series on intimacy. Intimacy is one of those topics that is often glossed over when it comes to MS; people (including medical providers) are often more concerned with issues pertaining to treating MS. Intimacy often gets pushed to the wayside. 

This is problematic on many levels.

In our first series, we focused on “the basics.” We touched on the ideas of self-love, self-acceptance, communication, and honesty with partners. 

We also talked with medical professionals in the MS community to address the importance of having frank conversations with your medical team about sex. We also talked with members of and influencers in the MS community about their experiences in navigating intimate relationships (romantic and platonic).

Daana Townsend

We took things a bit further in the second series. We focused on issues that are often left out of the intimacy, MS, and disability narratives like pleasure, sexual superpowers, guilt, shame, love languages, kink, and BDSM (variety of sexual practices that involve bondage, dominance, and submission/sadomasochism). 

We welcomed a sex therapist, somatic sex educator, professional dominatrix (with MS), as well as members of the kink and MS communities to explore these nuanced issues with us.

We find that people with chronic illnesses and disabilities are seen as asexual and somehow not worthy of fulfilling sexual relationships. This is a problem, and we wanted to challenge the narrative. We did, and the conversation continues!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Consensual Non-Monogamy For You?

5 Open Relationship Myths Busted

By Paula Kirsch

Are you thinking of opening up your relationship to consensual non-monogamy?

Before you do that, it’s important to look at the myths surrounding relationships and why you might want to consider an open relationship.

A 2017 study by Haupert and colleagues reported more than 20 percent of the U.S. population has engaged in consensual non-monogamy at some point in their lives.

As a sex therapist who works with such couples and individuals practicing consensual non-monogamy and open relationships, I’m guessing that 20 percent may be a low estimate today.

In the Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton, the authors debunk several myths about relationships and non-consensual monogamy.

So, if you’re considering non-consensual monogamy, here are 5 myths about relationships that you need to know about.

1. The only “real” relationships are those that are monogamous.

Everyone is familiar with monogamy and knows how it works.

But, as my sex therapy supervisor once said, “If monogamy is the gold standard in relationships, what’s the divorce rate again?”

Sometimes, we have an unrealistic view that we will lose interest in all others just because we’re married.

How’s that working out for you?

2. Loving someone means it’s OK to control their behavior.

We know we can’t control anyone but ourselves in reality.

Again as evidenced by the divorce rate and the number of infidelities that occur in monogamous relationships, it’s unrealistic to think that we can prevent our spouse from having sex with someone else if they want to.

3. Jealousy is an insurmountable issue in an open relationship.

The interesting thing here is that it assumes being in a monogamous relationship will protect you from envy.

In monogamous relationships, people go to great lengths to hide their affairs and dalliances when having agreements.

Being honest and unlearning some of the “oughts” that lead to jealousy might be the more ethical and healing approach.

4. Having other partners for sex reduces intimacy in your primary relationship.

With agreements in place and open and honest conversation, you may find that having other partners rekindles new relationship energy that overflows into your primary relationship.

5. Sexual desire is a destructive force or the only proper way to have sex is within a committed relationship.

These sex-negative ideas are throwbacks to the beginning of patriarchal and puritanical religions that warn that women’s sexuality will lure men to their doom. (Think: the Garden of Eden mythology.)

In truth, what could be more creative than sexual desire, which we use to create new human beings, art, literature, music, and so much more? So much of our creativity resides in the sacral chakra — our sexual center.

You might like an open relationship if you find yourself in an “okay” marriage or partnership with no significant issues.

Still, maybe your partner doesn’t like some of the bedroom activities you enjoy. Or perhaps you have mismatched sexual desire, one of the most common problems I see in couples therapy.

Maybe you have an interest or hobby your partner doesn’t share.

It’s difficult for one person to check all our boxes.

No one person be everything to us and meet all our needs. An open relationship creates room for those needs to be satisfied.

The way I see it is through a lens of abundance. Life is short and there’s plenty of love available if you’re open to that.

As a therapist, I can tell you I have seen open relationships that work and don’t work — just like monogamous relationships!

Good communication skills are essential. And it’s crucial to work out agreements in advance so everyone is on the same page.

More often, a woman shows up in individual therapy with me, freaked out because her husband or partner wants to open the relationship. We explore what’s real, what’s going on in their relationship, and how she feels about dating.

She reads and researches, learning everything she can about how open relationships work, and often ends up with a fuller and richer life.

Yes! You can thrive in an open relationship!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How ‘sex addiction’ has historically been used to absolve white men

“It is often used as an excuse to pathologize misogyny.”

By Kimmy Yam

While authorities said Atlanta-area spa shooting suspect Robert Aaron Long, 21, told investigators he was motivated by “sexual addiction” and claimed he had no racial motivation, health specialists say the explanation falls short.

Capt. Jay Baker, a spokesman for the Cherokee County Sheriff’s Office, said Long — who is accused of killing eight people, six of them Asian women — indicated that the spas were “a temptation for him that he wanted to eliminate.” However, experts say such rationale has been used before in attempts to exonerate white men. The explanation also discounts racial dynamics and can “cause harm” in the way the public understands these issues.

White men have traditionally been given a pass when they say it — and have the privilege of overlooking how race is a factor, experts say.

“Historically, the term ‘sex addiction’ has been used by white males to absolve themselves from personal and legal responsibility for their behaviors,” Apryl Alexander, associate professor in the Graduate School of Professional Psychology at the University of Denver, told NBC Asian America. “It is often used as an excuse to pathologize misogyny.”

The defense of sex addiction itself, Alexander said, is a highly controversial one as those in the fields of psychology, psychiatry and sex research continue to debate whether to formally recognize it. Currently, the idea that sex addiction is a disorder is not supported by research, nor is it accepted as a clinical diagnosis, she said.

“A lot of individuals who are doing this kind of self-reports of sexual addiction are having normative sexual behaviors and urges, but they might be excessive. Or for a lot of people, it’s rooted in shame that ‘I’m having these attractions and emotional desires that are normal, but I don’t recognize them as normal,’” Alexander said.

Though the American Psychiatric Association added the concept of sexual addiction to its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders in 1987, it later retracted the term and has since rejected the addition of the idea to its later editions including the DSM–5, which is widely seen as the definitive resource on mental disorders, on the basis of a lack of supporting evidence.

Alexander said this sexual behavior doesn’t affect the brain in the same ways other addictions, including substance use and gambling behavior, do, either, calling the characterization of Long’s behavior “concerning.”

The self-identification of sex addiction, she said, is often seen in individuals who are raised in conservative and religious environments, “where there’s a high level of moral disapproval of their natural kind of sexual urges and desires.” Many of these populations are overwhelmingly white.

In examining acts of gender-based violence, Alexander said such attacks often occur at the intersection of misogyny, racism, xenophobia and homophobia. She emphasized that contrary to what Long told police, such violence “doesn’t just occur in isolation.”

Richelle Concepcion, president of the Asian American Psychological Association, said accepting the suspect’s rationale in this case erases several colliding dynamics of class, immigration status and gender that impact the communities most at risk for physical and sexual violence.

“Quite frankly, it’s really difficult to attribute the atrocious behaviors to an addiction, especially when you look at the demographics of a majority of those who were murdered,” she said. “Race and gender do play a role in this.”

“It’s really unfair to take his word as there is intersectionality that exists pertaining to the lives taken, especially when one considers that the suspect claims to have gone to these businesses with the intention of eliminating the threat of temptation,” Concepcion added.

Still, sex addiction is a common defense invoked by white men in power.

After a number of allegations emerged last year from multiple women, including several who were underage at the time, accusing comedian Chris D’Elia of requesting sexual favors, he responded with a video in February saying, “Sex, it controlled my life.” He added, “I had a problem, and I do have a problem.”

Harvey Weinstein similarly claimed in a 2017 video that he wasn’t “doing OK” and “I’ve got to get help” after numerous accusations of sexual harassment and rape. In a statement provided to NBC News, his brother, Bob Weinstein, described him as “obviously a very sick man.”

And former congressman Anthony Weiner in 2017 broke down in front of a judge after being sentenced to 21 months in prison for sexting an underage girl. Weiner, who called himself a “very sick man for a very long time,” had aimed to avoid jail time after the judge acknowledged that he had sought and received treatment for the behavior.

But controversies don’t end at the diagnosis itself, and treatments have been criticized for insufficiently addressing the role of misogyny in sexual behavior. Ideas, including society’s hypersexualization of Asian women, Alexander said, often go unexamined.

“They often don’t talk about these hypermasculine attitudes or misogynistic messages that individuals are getting, whether that’s from pornography or society at large,” Alexander said. “A lot of these so-called treatment programs often reinforce gender stereotypes. They talk about things like ‘Women are tempting you,’ ‘Women in pornography are trying to seduce you, and that’s why you need to avoid’ instead of talking about your own kind of personal attitudes and behaviors that cause you to marginalize women.”

Such framing of women as “temptresses,” particularly in reference to Asian women, in part shifts the onus from perpetrator to victim, Concepcion said. It plays into a stereotype of women as manipulative dragon ladies, fueling dangerous perceptions that make them uniquely vulnerable to violence. She explained that there’s a tendency to attribute the reasoning behind violence and murderous acts to others’ malicious intent, creating the perception that these victims who were killed intentionally provoked the perpetrator to violence.

“There have been examinations recently of television shows and even movies from years ago that depicted Asian women as temptresses, which appear to prove these stereotypes of Asian women as fact,” she said.

Alexander said larger toxic societal issues need to be unpacked in this context of treatment, in addition to other experiences that may have contributed to such behaviors.

“Those are the things that need to be addressed as underlying issues in this constellation of things that may have led to maybe sexual preoccupation,” she said. “The sexual compulsions or preoccupations are often associated with other types of underlying psychological issues, unmet emotional needs, childhood trauma or, again, power and control dynamics that contribute to oppression.”

But experts stressed that even when people exhibit attitudes that are indicative of oppression and marginalization of others, that does not often lead to committing an act of mass violence. Contrary to prevailing stereotypes, statistics show that roughly 3 percent to 5 percent of violent acts can be attributed to people who have a serious mental illness. In reality, individuals confronting mental health issues are more than 10 times more likely to be victims of violent crime compared to the general population.

For people dealing with sexual preoccupation that may be causing them distress, experts recommend help and support that approach the issue with positivity. Treatments that are shame-based are never effective, Alexander said, and mitigating feelings of shame comes with comprehensive sex education. Sexuality is marginalized so frequently in culture and it’s not uncommon that people harbor difficult emotions around the subject, unsure of how to wrestle with it, she said.

“A lot of our sex education is rooted in shame and stigma, that we don’t talk about normative sexuality and how to work through that — that maybe your urges are natural,” she said.

With the resources available to help people living with mental illnesses, Concepcion said it’s never acceptable to chalk this violent behavior up to having a “bad day.”

“Many of us have bad days and yet a majority of us focus on other forms of coping to alleviate the impact of said days,” she said. “It is never justified to take lives or engage in acts of violence when we ourselves have experienced less than ideal days.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is the Kinsey Scale of Sexual Behavior Still Valid?

The decades-old classification system for the study of sex may still have value, but new frameworks offer more.

The Kinsey scale.

By Sophie Putka

Alfred Kinsey’s imprint on the world of sexuality has — and continues to — inspire criticism, fascination, even outrage. It’s a captivating legacy for a man who spent the first half of his career studying the gall wasp.

Depending who you ask, Kinsey — the creator of the Kinsey Scale of sexual behavior along a continuum — either ignited a radically progressive understanding of human sexuality; created a scale that doesn’t come close to encapsulating the range of human sexuality; or even, according to one critic, “spent his lifetime ripping down the institution of the family.”

First published in 1948, Kinsey’s eponymous scale classified people according to their degree of attraction or sexual behavior toward the same or other sex: 0 being “exclusively heterosexual” and 6 being “exclusively homosexual” — with a big swath of gray in between. But for the first time, scientific inquiry had acknowledged that there weren’t just two options.

And though it’s unlikely that a visit to a therapist will earn you a number on the Kinsey Scale today, the legacy of Kinsey lives on in new models of sexuality. But they’ve outgrown him, too. Professionals and researchers say that sexuality is tied up with many other factors — and isn’t necessarily a point on a straight line. Today’s understanding still relies on so much of what Kinsey described, but adds so much more.

Kinsey’s Brave New World

One thing is undisputed: Kinsey’s work was unlike anything his world had ever seen before. In the 1940s, homosexuality was considered a felony in every state because of what were called “sodomy laws.” It wouldn’t be until 1962 that the first state changed that. It wasn’t until 1973 that the bible of psychiatry, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM), removed “homosexuality” from its list of diagnoses.

“It’s been just enough decades now that it’s hard for people who were born since 1980 to understand the world in which the Kinsey Reports dropped kind of a bomb,” says Carol Queen, a sociologist, educator, co-founder of the nonprofit Center for Sex & Culture and staff sexologist at Good Vibrations.

Kinsey and his team meticulously collected the accounts of over 11,000 people and their sexual behavior in one-on-one interviews. He ran statistical analyses based on his methodical data collection. Some of his methods have been called into question — such as his omission of sample data from non-white people — and others would have been unheard of today.

Exactly what happened, and whether it should serve to discredit some of his research, is hard to verify today, but accounts include his correspondence with a pedophile to collect descriptions of child sexual behavior, or encouraging and filming sexual relationships between his staff.

With the reports that came from this research — Sexual Behavior in the Human Male in 1948 and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female in 1953 — Kinsey shattered the idea of sexual behavior as binary, showing that the sexual habits of thousands of Americans were as varied and diverse as a field of wildflowers.

Kinsey found that 37 percent of men had had a same-sex sexual experience by age 45. Women, too, turned out to be sexual beings with same and different-gender attraction and behavior — 13 percent had had a same-sex experience. The Human Female report caused such a backlash that Kinsey’s funding from the Rockefeller Foundation was cut. The scale’s function, when it first appeared in Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, was as a way to visualize the information in the text.

“That somebody doesn’t have to be only one sexual orientation, that’s super basic now, right?” says Queen. “It was not super basic back then … Your life could be destroyed if you were discovered to be homosexual, and plenty of people’s were.”

Where the Scale is Off

Current scholars of sex and sexuality don’t deny the Kinsey Scale’s place in history, but can easily identify its blind spots today. “The Kinsey scale … served a really important purpose in moving the field forward at a time when people thought about sexuality in a simplistic, binary, two-categories kind of way,” says Brian Feinstein, an associate professor of psychology at Rosalind Franklin University, whose research focuses on bisexuality and sexual and gender minority health. “But I think at this point that it is largely kind of outdated, and I don’t think it’s sufficiently nuanced to capture the complexity of sexual orientation and sexuality.”

For one, Kinsey’s scale sits along a single axis: it’s a line, and implies that the more one is attracted to one sex, the less attraction there is to the other. “We now know that that’s not really the case. You can be very attracted to both sexes or not attracted to either sex,” says Brendan Zeitch, an associate professor at the University of Queensland’s School of Psychology, who has studied the genetics of human sexuality. “It doesn’t really capture the full range of what’s going on.”

As John Sylla of the American Institute of Bisexuality and Chicago University’s law school put it, “Just because I like Chinese food [that] doesn’t mean I dislike Italian food. Just because I like one sex [that] doesn’t mean I dislike a different one.”

Then there are factors of sexuality that Kinsey conflated, but that don’t always overlap. Sexual attraction — to whom you’re attracted — and sexual behavior — how you actually behave — don’t always agree, but Kinsey lumped the two together on his scale, which ostensibly is a measure of both combined. Kinsey also excluded sexual identity — how one labels oneself — which is now considered a third layer altogether.

For example, today one might identify as “gay” in a same-sex relationship simply out of convenience, even if they feel attraction to other sexes besides their own. Or one might feel attracted to the same sex but have never acted on it, and meanwhile, label themselves as “straight.” In these scenarios, sexual behavior, sexual identity and sexual attraction don’t match up.

There are also problems when it comes to the limiting framework of binary sex within which the scale sits. The scientific community understands sex itself as more than just a set of XX or XY chromosomes. If it were as simple as that, intersex people would not exist. Gender may not line up with a given sex, further complicating Kinsey’s neat scale.

A More Complex Understanding of Sexual Reality

Today, it’s generally understood that sexuality exists in shades of gray, but modern frameworks go beyond the single-line continuum Kinsey provided toward a concept of sexuality that contains much more. New tools have emerged in the years since his breakthrough.

One is called the Storms Sexuality Axis from 1980, which expands Kinsey’s concept to a two-axis scale that accounts for attraction to same or opposite sexes, but also levels of “asexuality” and “bisexuality,” thus partially accounting for what Kinsey overlooked. 

Moshe Rozdzial is a psychotherapist and sex therapist at GLOW counseling in Denver, with a focus on LGBTQ+ issues. He says that one newer tool he works with is the Klein Grid, conceived by Fritz Klein in 1978, who went on to found the American Institute of Bisexuality. The tool encompasses numbered scales for sexual attraction and behavior, but also incorporates social relationships, sexual identity, and lifestyle among other factors in the past, present and future.

Rozdzial says he uses the Klein scale to help clients understand themselves better, and there’s no limit on even the seven factors Klein included. He’ll add questions of his own, on politics, for example. “Nobody’s watching over my shoulder and saying, ‘oh, you can’t add anything to this,’” he says. “It’s just the starting point of … a conversation about how each person is intersectional in all the ways of their existence, including their sexuality and their sexual orientation and attraction.”

Tools and Labels Have Their Uses

One might wonder why today, with our quickly evolving tapestry of sexual alignments, we’d need tools of this kind to begin with. Haven’t we moved beyond graphs and charts?

Queen says that identifying with a word to describe one’s identity allows people to find community. “For so many of us who didn’t feel safe … finding our people has been lifesaving,” she says. “And the Kinsey Scale helped us think in those terms, even if we’re doing it this year, where there are forty sexual orientations that the name for didn’t exist back then.”

According to Feinstein, we can use tools like these today to, in part, help identify problems like health disparities and fix them. “Being able to capture a person’s sexual orientation in a way that is sort of concrete, and being able to collect that data, ultimately ends up informing the research that goes into helping to promote policies that are more equitable,” he says. Research on sexuality can contribute to issues like marriage equality or HIV treatment, he adds.

For others, the Kinsey Scale serves to remind us of the many things we still do not know. “The Kinsey Scale is basic, but it does a good job of teaching us and reminding us [of] that Shakespeare quote: ‘there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy,’” Sylla says. “We live in very exciting times with increasing knowledge and acceptance of diversity, and more freedom to explore our potential.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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One Year Without Sex, Love or Dating

One writer looks back over the lonely reality for single people in the UK during the pandemic.

By Shon Faye

Being single throughout the first lockdown might not have been so hard if I hadn’t begun 2020 still very much in a couple. I still remember the Christmas card he gave me and the message he wrote inside: “I loved spending 2019 with you, looking forward to more in 2020 and beyond”. I so wanted that to be the case. But a month later we were both sat in the bedroom of his flat, faces red with tears and my case packed to leave for the last time. “Can we still see each other?” he asked, his eyes glistening with the naive hope of an adolescent. Yet his 35-year-old rational brain surely must have told him the answer. He knew we couldn’t. The reason for the split was as simple as it was life shattering. He said he wanted children, one day. Children that I had never dreamed of myself nor could ever give him, even if I wanted to.

They call it a deal breaker – the ultimate one, really, as there is no hope and no compromise – yet the expression makes heartbreak sound like a boardroom negotiation. It would be more accurate to say the relationship had a terminal illness and I chose to assist its death with dignity rather than let it carry on to an inevitable, but uglier, end years down the line. To me, it was a cataclysm that left me confounded by grief. Grief that felt more like physical pain for months. Months that, unfortunately, happened to coincide with a pandemic, which turned the other aspects of my life upside down, too.

“Now’s the time to get really good at wanking”, my also recently single friend Gemma says matter-of-factly over Whatsapp voice-note, as if masturbation was a skill like kayaking or getting a soufflé to rise, before adding, “and phone sex”. It’s the end of March 2020 and pressure is increasing on Boris Johnson to put the UK into a full lockdown. In the six weeks since my breakup, coronavirus has become a growing global disaster. The advice is clear: do not leave home, do not touch anyone, do not date, do not fuck. 

Of course I can physically go without sex or dating – for the past six weeks I did just that. But I also told everyone that this was ‘actually fine’. Bragging constantly about a forthcoming summer of promiscuity was a lame attempt at a confidence trick on my own brain. In the immediate aftermath of my breakup, the idea of another man’s touch or his weight on mine truly seemed inconceivable and undesirable. Yet when this became officially illegal, I panicked.

In the year since the start of the first lockdown, single people have largely been ignored or erased in government communications about living with COVID restrictions. If, like me, you entered this pandemic single (or if you are in a couple where you don’t cohabit) sex has technically been illegal for most of it. There was a brief period where it was possible from July to October but any new relationship embarked upon during this time would need to have become exclusive and cohabiting within a matter of weeks to have survived the second wave. It’s safe to say most of us who went into this pandemic single still are and will be for some time to come.

Of course, no one actually thought it would go on this long. Most of the official advice a year ago wasn’t dissimilar to my friend Gemma’s – it was an era of Zoom dates, sex toys, phone sex and nudes, I was reassured by online magazines and sexual health charities all of whom sounded very upbeat about this new era of remote sexuality. Even a year ago, I sensed they were missing the point. Sex and dating, for the newly single me, were about reprising an old ritual of encountering other people in order to rebuild a coherent picture of myself as a sexual being.

It’s a common belief that any straight cis men who are titillated by the offer of sex with a transgender woman must be physically fetishising us. It’s an analysis I’ve always found tedious and reductive about what even the most casual encounters with strangers have taught me about people and about life. Some years ago, I anecdotally noticed that men on dating apps seemed much less bothered about the idea of being with a transsexual if they’d recently gone through a divorce or a long term relationship had ended. Their once imagined lives broken, they were hoping to see what a woman exiled from many heterosexual norms might have to teach them about their own failings. For years before I met my ex, I had gone “for drinks” with the sort of man who secretly hopes that by tasting my deviance, he’ll learn something more interesting about himself. It’s a vampiric exchange; a contract of heat and blood. I suppose last year I desperately hoped that the roles could be reversed. That, post breakup, with my own failed attempt at assimilating into heterosexuality, cis men might teach me about how to do normality better next time. That I would get to be the vampire.

I had taken the gamble to be single. I hadn’t chosen to be alone and bereft indefinitely.

Devoid of such luck, I instead spend significant parts of the first lockdown glued to Hinge and Tinder talking to people. In lieu of the ability to actually meet, I stay talking to men I may have previously swiftly turned down for a real date. I regale my friends who are bored with lockdown with stories of my improbable virtual interactions. At one point last summer, for example, I was talking to three different Army officers (don’t worry – different regiments!) despite the fact my politics are anti-imperialist enough to question if soldiers should even exist. When Vera Lynn died last June, my friend Huw cattily referred to me as “our very own Forces’ sweetheart” in the group chat.

At other times, the loneliness is too dark for jokes. Until things started to open up in July last year, I was tormented by memories of my ex flooding back to me in the hours, days and weeks spent alone in lockdown. His hand on the small of my back on a crowded tube platform, the time he rowed me around the Plaza España in Seville and I took the piss the whole time because being treated just like any other girl with a boyfriend on holiday was so unfamiliar, the specific way the cadence of his breath would change during sex, the way his face would melt into a disarming smile when I’d outsmarted him in a debate about some political point or other.

One criticism of government policy during the pandemic is that it has entrenched traditional norms in which only couples get the comfort of touch and intimacy. Having gone through the worst breakup of my life without even so much as a hug from a good friend or a gym class that promises to restore my self worth, it is inevitable that there have been moments in the past year I regretted my decision to leave my relationship. In breaking up with him, I had taken the gamble to be single and make room for another life, more suited to my own long term needs and desires. I hadn’t chosen to be alone and bereft indefinitely.

Given the pandemic’s side effect of reinforcing socially conservative romantic arrangements and aspirations, my rejection of my ex’s offer of precisely these things has also come back to haunt me at times. “You’re a transsexual and he was a tall, handsome, intelligent homeowner with great teeth: why the fuck did you do that?” my stimulus-starved brain started to bark at me. Sometimes, the queries were crueller: “Why don’t you want to be a mother anyway?”, the sadistic voice inside me asked. “Not much of a woman after all, you?”

I must first claw back the other parts of my life when this purgatory eventually ends.

Tired of second guessing my own judgement, I’ve given up on the pursuit of dating for now. It was brutal and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but, in the end, time did the work in healing me from my breakup – we have all lived with restrictions for so long my relationship with my ex now feels like it took place in a different age, a time of crowded bars and packed restaurants. I can exchange a brief text with him now or even visualise his future wife and kids and not feel the searing pain. I can be glad he has the space for his own future, too.

It’s not just time that’s helped: a brief late summer romance with a (slightly) younger man who unexpectedly slid into my DMs on Instagram managed to change my negative patterns of thinking about whether I’ll be alone forever: we didn’t work out long term but dating him showed me it may work with someone else. A second breakup, even if less intense, followed by a second lockdown, was a fucking chore. Again: no affirming spin class and no drinks with the girls. Since that whirlwind relationship ended so abruptly when we returned to lockdowns last autumn, the unsustainability of trying to build a serious relationship after all this solitude, anxiety and uncertainty has convinced me that I am not in the mindset to offer anyone else any kind of healthy relationship. I must first claw back the other parts of my life when this purgatory eventually ends.

The pandemic has shown single and coupled people alike that all relationships are practical things, built more on a mixture of chance, timing, proximity and long-term compatibility than they are on initial chemistry or sexual desire, which you can have with many people. I loved my ex-boyfriend so much that, at times a few years ago, he seemed like my only true happiness. But it was still right our relationship ended, as many have done during the pandemic for similar reasons: incompatibilities and insecurities were revealed with the removal of distractions and overexposure to one another.

In the year since lockdowns began, I have relied so heavily on remote support from my friends that my yearning for romantic reassurance has receded just as my need for in-person laughter and fun with my friends has grown to desperate levels. I long for the conviviality and spontaneity of the house party that runs until 6AM, the unplanned dinner out, the gossip and the sarcasm. After the hard work of surviving these lockdowns without friendship, how could the arduous work of building a lasting romantic love compete?

For years before I met the man I adored then had to leave, I would imagine meeting someone like him and the life we would build together. I would daydream about how such a man would smooth over every scratch and dent left in my spirit by the unenviable tasks of being trans and a woman in this world and make it stronger. Of course, I hope I’ll find love again after the pandemic but I no longer fantasise about the more fulfilled and resilient and powerful woman I’ll eventually turn into when I have it. Alone, I have already become her.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Schedule ‘Spontaneous’ Sex

— and Why You Should

by Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

Think of sex like an oil change for your car… except way hotter and a lot more exciting.

Keeping up with regular maintenance — and lube — helps keep your engine running at its best. The same idea applies to sex and all it can do for your mental and physical well-being as well as your relationship, if you’re in one.

Scheduling sex sounds like it’s all business, but when it comes to the business of pleasure, thinking ahead is the way to get more of the good stuff.

We’re talking more sex, potentially more orgasms, and all the added benefits that come from those things, like reduced stress, elevated mood, stronger relationships, and better sleep.

We believe pleasure is a fundamental aspect of a safe and healthy sex life. That’s why we rely on experienced writers, educators, and other experts to share their suggestions on everything from the technique you use to the sex toy you buy.

We only recommend something that we genuinely love, so if you see a shop link to a specific product or brand, know that it’s been thoroughly researched — if you know what we mean. Wink.

We mean the whole freakin’ shebang: Masturbation, cuddling, kissing, or any other form of physical intimacy. Basically, if it arouses you, it counts.

If you think back to the steamiest, most toe-curling sex you’ve ever had, chances are it was scheduled.

That super erotic virtual sesh with your long-distance boo? You probably agreed on a time to connect.

A hot IRL hookup post-lockdown? Bet you counted down the days till a face-to-face was OK.

Date night with a happy ending with your spouse or person you’re seeing? Yep, also planned in advance.

Even those sweaty solo jobs you can’t wait to squeeze in after your roommate/parents/kids go to bed are pretty much planned in advance.

Did thinking ahead to a time to get down and dirty make the sex any less enjoyable? Of course not! That’s because scheduled sex is the same as normal sex — pleasurable, satisfying, and fun!

Life’s not like it is in the movies, friends. Our schedules and sex drives aren’t always in sync, and we don’t always climax in unison.

Logistics and libidos are tricky and don’t always play nice together without some effort and shifting things around.

Carving out time for sex works on so many levels, you’ll wonder why you ever thought it was a joykill in the first place.

Here’s why it works.

It gives you time to prep

Knowing when sex is on the menu gives you time to get ready for it.

That could mean resting up first with a nap, grooming your nether regions, or bribing your roommate with a gift card for frozen yogurt so they can GTFO for a couple hours.

It can remove some potential obstacles

Practically speaking, a heads-up before a sex date is helpful for anyone dealing with issues or symptoms that can interfere with sex.

For example, it’s helpful if you:

  • use Viagra or vaginal cream before sex
  • have anxiety
  • take longer to get aroused
  • use medication that causes side effects

It gives you time to set the mood

Not that we don’t love a good no-fuss throw-down, but once in a while it’s nice to bust out the candles and nice sheets, or sex props and rubber sheets, if that’s your jam.

It’s like foreplay for your brain

Oh, the sweet anticipation of knowing that you’re gonna get hot and heavy!

It’s like knowing there’s a piece of cake waiting for you at home after you’ve been starving all day, only instead of your fave frosting, you get an orgasm.

And as a partner on the receiving end of an impending rendezvous, knowing you’re desired and wanted can give you and your loins all the feels.

It can start a convo about sex

Not everyone’s comfortable talking about sex, but having to plan it gives you a great starting point if you want to talk fantasies or share your turn-ons. (More on how to talk about it coming right up!)

It can help you out of a rut

Falling into a rut happens to the best of us, especially in long-term relationships. Add a pandemic, and sitting around in sweats and ordering takeout becomes the norm.

People are having less sex, according to research. Scheduling could be a way to bring back the oomph, even if it’s scheduling some high school-style making out or dry humping between episodes of “Bridgerton.”

The key to bringing it up is to not make it sound like a chore that you have to do. It’s sex, not a dental cleaning.

You could say something along the lines of:

  • “Remember when we had time to stay in bed a while after sex? I miss that! Bet we could do it again if we set aside time on [insert days].”
  • “We’ve been so busy. I think it’s time we scheduled some sexy time. What’s your schedule look like on [insert day]?”
  • “How would you feel about setting aside more time for sex?”

If not having enough sex is a sore spot and having a negative impact on your relationship, you may benefit from laying it all on the table:

  • “It’s no secret that we haven’t been connecting lately. Let’s agree to set aside some time every week just for the two of us. What do you think?”
  • “I know I’ve been too tired/busy to have sex lately, but I really want to change that. How would you feel about making [insert day/time] our time to hookup since that’s when we both have more time and energy?”

Ready to think ahead for more sex? Here are some things to help you go about it so you get the most from the best thing on your calendar.

Set your goals

Think about what you’re hoping to achieve from planned sex:

  • Are you looking to have more sex in general?
  • Do you want more time to bask in the post-coital glow rather than the quick, socks-on sex you’ve been having since becoming parents?
  • Do you want to spice it up by trying new things and exploring fantasies?
  • Do you want to set aside more time for self-exploration and masturbation?

Keep your goals in mind when scheduling your play time so you can plan accordingly. And by “your goals,” we mean the goals of all involved.

Get it in the cal

OK, you don’t ~have to~ put your sex dates on the calendar.

But if your schedules are wild or completely mismatched, putting sex on the calendar gives it priority status and lowers the chances that you’ll accidentally double-book your sexy slot.

Allow for flexibility

Just because you’re mapping out the time doesn’t mean you should map out every move.

If you go in with marching order, you could be setting the stage for performance anxiety or resentment if one of you isn’t really feeling the planned act in that exact moment.

Go in with a general intention of what you both want without setting any hard and fast rules.

Be open to rescheduling

Let’s be clear, you don’t want to fall into the habit of putting off your sex dates, or you’ll never make any new ground.

But some days, rescheduling your sexcapades might be the best thing. Like if one of you is sick or dealing with something heavy.

Before postponing, though, take a moment to remember how good sex feels. If you can muster the extra bit of energy to start, do it.

All that said, you shouldn’t feel pressured to engage in a sex act when you don’t want to. There must be mutual consent, regardless of the type of relationship you’re in.

Once you figure out the *when*, it’s time to get down to the *how*.

Here are some tips:

  • Build the anticipation with suggestive whispers or sexts that let them know you can’t wait to have them.
  • If playing solo, trying a new sex toy or picking out some new porn for your pending playtime can build anticipation.
  • Just because it’s pretty much a sure thing doesn’t give you a free pass to skimp on the woo or the hygiene, so put in the effort.
  • When the day arrives, focus on the time with yourself/together rather than the act itself, so whatever happens can just happen naturally.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to know about internalized homophobia

Internalized homophobia occurs when a person is subject to society’s negative perceptions, intolerance, and stigma toward people with same-sex attraction. They then turn those ideas inward, believing that they are true, and experience self-hatred as a result of being a socially stigmatized person.

by Zawn Villines

Internalized homophobia happens when a person consciously or unconsciously accepts homophobic biases and applies these biases to themself. It can happen to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation, though most studies of internalized homophobia have looked at people who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual.

Internalized homophobia occurs as a result of the assumption that all people are or should be heterosexual. It is a form of oppression that excludes the needs, concerns, and experiences of LGBTQ+ people while giving advantages to heterosexual people.

In this article, we discuss why internalized homophobia occurs, how it can affect someone’s health, and how to get support.

Throughout the rest of this article, we will replace the term “homophobia” with “heterosexism.” The word homophobia places emphasis on the irrational fears of an individual rather than the systems in place that affect a person’s health.

Internalized heterosexism

Heterosexism is a very broad term that includes a range of behaviors. It can involve overt hatred of nonheterosexual people, as well as more subtle biases, such as the belief in stereotypes based on sexual orientation.

However, essentially, internalized heterosexism refers to the development of a negative view of one’s own and others’ sexual minority identities due to living in a heterosexist society.

Internalized heterosexism may result in a person:

  • being unable or unwilling to acknowledge their own sexual orientation
  • holding their same-sex partner to unreasonable standards rooted in heterosexist stereotypes
  • feeling ashamed of their sexual identity or orientation
  • trying not to behave in ways that they see as being consistent with heterosexist stereotypes
  • refusing to acknowledge their same-sex partner publicly
  • denying the role of heterosexism in LGBTQ+ oppression
  • deriding or disliking people who proudly say that they have same-sex orientations
  • believing that there is a right or wrong way to be a member of LGBTQ+ communities
  • having a fear of being gay or others labeling them as gay

Problems with the term and other names

Evidence suggests that despite its name, homophobia is not a phobia at all. Rather, it is rooted in hostility, bias, and sexual stereotypes.

Moreover, the term is pervasive. It does not reside in the individual but in a broader society that dismisses people who do not identify as heterosexual and treats heterosexuality as the norm.

For these reasons, some advocates suggest using other terms, such as:

  • Heterosexism: This term refers to the notion that heterosexuality is normal and the default, meaning that other identities and orientations are inferior or abnormal.
  • Sexual prejudice: This term describes all forms of prejudice about sexual behavior and preferences and treats these attitudes as rooted in bigotry rather than fear.
  • Antigay bias: It is important to acknowledge that antigay bias can affect a person’s behavior. For example, a person may not wish to tell others that they are gay because they have made a calculated decision to keep themself safe rather than because they have internalized heterosexism.

Why does it happen?

Nonheterosexual identities remain stigmatized. Suicide rates and mental health complications are high among people who are part of LGBTQ+ communities.

Even in a modern and more accepting society, antigay hate crimes remain common. A 2017 poll reported that many LGBTQ+ people in the United States experience some form of discrimination. In the poll, 51% said that they or a family member from the LGBTQ+ communities had experienced violence because of their sexual orientation.

Many people grow up exposed to antigay bias. As a result, they may fear the consequences of being gay or others viewing them as gay. They may unconsciously accept antigay bias or fear that acting in a “nonheterosexual way” might lead to rejection at work or school or in their family.

Given the high rates of violence and harassment affecting people among LGBTQ+ communities, it is understandable that some people may turn these ideas inward to protect themselves.

Factors affecting it

Some people may be more at risk of internalizing stigma due to certain factors, such as:

  • Religious conservatism: Many conservative religions promote antigay bias. A 2018 study found that colleges with religiously conservative climates indirectly promoted internalized heterosexism by being less accepting of lesbian, gay, and bisexual students.
  • Lack of social support: An unsupportive or hostile environment, which may involve widespread heterosexism, family rejection, or participation in an antigay community, may increase the risk of internalizing heterosexist views.
  • Exposure to nonheterosexual identities: People with less exposure to nonheterosexual people may harbor more stereotypes, increasing their risk of internalized antigay bias.

How can it affect a person’s health?

Internalized heterosexism can affect a person’s health and well-being in many ways, including:

  • Poor relationship quality: A 2009 analysis found that, even independent of other factors, internalized heterosexism predicted lower quality relationships among lesbian, gay, and bisexual couples.
  • Mental health complications: People who internalize antigay views may experience depression. They may be anxious about their own or others’ sexual behavior or feelings. Evidence also notes that LGBTQ+ people use mental health services at a rate that is 2.5 times higher than the rate of the general population.
  • Chronic stress: A 2018 study that used daily diaries from same-sex couples found that those with higher levels of internalized heterosexism reported higher daily stress. Chronic stress can severely damage health and correlates with a higher risk of many health conditions.
  • Sexual behavior: A 2017 study of Chinese gay and bisexual men found that those who internalized antigay bias were more likely to pay for sex or engage in sexually compulsive behavior. Substance abuse is also more likely among those who experience stigma or discrimination, and this can lead to unsafe sex practices.
  • Concealment of identity: People who experience internalized antigay bias may conceal their orientation, which can make it difficult to have a relationship or feel safe. A 2017 study found that many young people do not feel comfortable reporting their sexual orientation. As a result, they may not be receiving comprehensive healthcare — for example, they might miss important screenings or risk assessments.

How to get support

Some options for getting support may include:

  • Finding a local LGBTQ+ community: College students may be able to find help on campus. LGBTQ+ bookstores, art houses, and community gathering spots may also be useful resources.
  • Finding identity-affirming doctors, therapists, and other providers: Health Professionals Advancing LGBTQ Equality is a good place to find a clinician.
  • Therapy: Attending therapy sessions with a therapist who specializes in stigma among minority populations may help with mental health complications.
  • Friends and family: Some people may find support and compassion from partners, friends, or family.
  • Support resources: Those who cannot access a community service or Gay-Straight Alliances club may find support online, such as from The Trevor Project, the It Gets Better Project, or The Matthew Shepard Foundation.

How to be an ally

Some strategies for supporting LGBTQ+ colleagues, friends, and loved ones include:

  • listening to and believing other people’s experiences
  • accepting feedback and prioritizing being supportive and learning over defending one’s goodness and status as an ally
  • avoiding any offensive humor, such as antigay jokes, that may make people feel uncomfortable
  • speaking out when others make antigay statements
  • fostering a diverse environment, where all views matter and marginalized groups’ opinions count
  • learning about the unique challenges that members of LGBTQ+ communities face

It is important to understand that being an ally is an ongoing behavior, not a single decision. People should work through any internalized biases. If they have an impulse to disbelieve an LGBTQ+ person about their experiences, they should resist that impulse.

Summary

Internalized heterosexism, which people may refer to as internalized homophobia, occurs when a person accepts antigay biases and applies them to themself due to living in a heterosexist society.

Internalized heterosexism continues to be a problem, especially in unwelcoming communities where the rates of violence and harassment are high. It can also have negative effects on a person’s mental and physical health. However, many different support services are available.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!