10 sex drive myths experts say are toxic and gendered

    • Many sex drive myths are based on out-dated gender norms.

    • Sex drive varies from person to person regardless of their gender.

    • A person’s sex drive might change over the course of their life.

     

    A person’s sex drive doesn’t depend on their gender and everyone’s libido fluctuates throughout their life.

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    Sex drive (or libido) is the instinct, desire, or energy to engage in sexual behavior. There’s no right or wrong frequency or amount of sex. Everyone has their own baseline of what “normal” libido is because it varies from one individual to another.

    “Desire for sex is based on a variety of factors, including how we feel mentally and physically, the setting, the stimuli, the person(s) we are with. Sexual desire ebbs and flows in response to situations,” says Justin R. Garcia, MS, PhD, whose a sex researcher and executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

    There are a number of myths surrounding sex drive like how oysters stimulate desire and all men have a high sex drive. It is important to debunk these misconceptions to prevent people from spreading inaccurate information and to prevent folks from putting unnecessary pressure on themselves or partners

    Here are some of the most commonly held myths about sex drive that we need to stop believing.

    Myth 1: Women have a lower sex drive than men

    Aside from the false, though common, assumption that there are only two genders or sexes, a 2014 study showed that sexual desire manifests similarly among men and women based on sexual arousal and motivation, as well as the frequency of sexual desire. It also concluded that gender norms and inaccurate methods used in research influence supposed gender differences.

    Libido can be affected by pregnancy, breastfeeding, illness, menopause, or andropause because of hormonal changes, but it doesn’t mean that women inherently have a lower sex drive than men. “Any given woman may report a much higher or much lower baseline interest in sex than any given man,” says Garcia.

    Myth 2: Oysters are an aphrodisiac

    Foods like oysters, chocolates, strawberries, and honey are often thought of as aphrodisiacs, which increase sexual desire when consumed. However, this claim isn’t supported by science. There is limited research suggesting that any specific food can increase sex drive, but a well-balanced diet can improve overall heart health which often supports better sexual health, says Seth Cohen, MD, MPH, assistant professor of urology and director of the division of sexual medicine at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. Many may find chocolate– or any other sensually appetizing item– appealing because it is often a source of pleasure, supporting a person’s interest in further good feelings, including sexual enjoyment. 

    Myth 3: You can never increase your sex drive

    Sex drive can increase or decrease depending on various circumstances, so it is possible to boost your libido when it is lower than what is normal for you. According to Cohen, an individual can do this by engaging in movement or exercise you enjoyreducing stress, increasing mindfulness, and having a diet that aligns with your health needs. Lack of quality sleep also affects sexual function, so get about seven to nine hours of sleep every night, and check out these tips for how to sleep better if you’re having trouble.

    Myth 4: People with chronic illnesses or disabilities always have a low sex drive

    It’s a common misconception that disabled people are less sexual than able-bodied people. “Some people experience their sexual pleasure differently than others, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily have more or less interest in sexual activity,” says Garcia. Chronic illnesses and disabilities may affect sexual function or arousal, but it’s wrong to think that they don’t enjoy or can’t have sex. Keep in mind that pleasure and intimacy don’t look the same for everybody and there’s more to sex than penetration. 

    Myth 5: All men have a high sex drive

    “All men do not have a high sex drive. I see plenty of men daily from the ages of 20 to 80 who have low sex drive for various reasons, whether depression, anxiety, stress, low self esteem and body image, weight gain, poor diet, multiple medical problems, and more,” says Cohen. Sexual desire varies, so the basis for a “high sex drive” is subjective. It’s also harmful to everyone involved to think men have a high sex drive, it puts unrealistic standards on men and harmful expectations for others.

    Myth 6: Age is the only factor that can reduce sex drive

    While it’s true that sex drive can change with age, there are plenty of psychological and physical factors that can affect it. Mental and emotional well-being, and habits such as smoking, drinking, and certain drugs, can all cause a low sex drive. Relationship factors and fears of consequences (such as an STI or pregnancy) can also greatly hinder a person’s sex drive. 

    Myth 7: You need to have sex often to maintain a high sex drive

    “Frequent sexual activity is not necessary in order to maintain a healthy and satisfying libido,” says Garcia. While it’s true that having sex can increase the desire for more sex, “most people can become aroused and experience sexual desire in the absence of recent sexual activity, even after long periods of abstinence,” says Garcia.

    Myth 8: Pornography doesn’t affect sex drive

    Porn, specifically ethically produced porn, in and of itself is not problematic, what can be problematic is how people engage with porn. However, pornography can decrease sex drive by conditioning an individual’s sexual arousal to elements of pornography that don’t reflect in reality, leading to unrealistic ideas of intimacy, relationships,  and body image expectations. Sexual imagery can also increase libido by encouraging a person to have a deeper sexual relationship with themself and by priming their sexual excitement. However, many people who watch pornography, either alone or with a partner, continue to have sexual desire even without pornographic stimuli, says Garcia.

    Myth 9: Having a low sex drive means you can’t enjoy sex

    “Someone can have relatively low sexual interest, but then become aroused rather quickly,” says Garcia. People often have what is called responsive desire, which means that while they may not feel the urge to initiate sex, they do still enjoy it. Even though an individual wants to have sex less frequently than they usually do, they can still enjoy it as much as they did before. “Sex is satisfying in itself. A low sex drive just means you want less of it,” says Cohen. 

    Myth 10: It’s wrong or bad to have a low sex drive

    Everyone’s sex drive is different and it normally fluctuates over time. However, if your low sex drive is distressing you or negatively affecting your relationship, you can seek a medical professional or sex therapist to discuss your sexual health and address possible causes.

    “Low sex drive is not bad, but if it’s zero for long periods of time, then further medical workup is warranted,” says Cohen. It may be a sign of underlying health problems such as an arousal disorder, the inability to attain or maintain sexual interest.

    It’s also possible that someone with low or no sexual desire is asexual.

    Many of the myths around sex drive are generalizations about a particular group of people or misinformation about the factors that affect libido. According to Garcia, “scientifically accurate sex education is woefully lacking especially here in the United States,” which might explain why there are questions and misconceptions around sex, including sex drive.

    It’s important to understand that the desire to engage in sexual behavior largely varies between people, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that everyone has the same sex drive as you. Before engaging in sexual activity, have an honest discussion with your partner/s about individual desires to establish clear boundaries.

    “In the world of sexuality, variation is the norm,” says Garcia. If you’re concerned about your sexual health, seek a medical professional for a consultation.

    Complete Article HERE!

Can You Get Coronavirus From Sex?

No — and Yes

by Abby Lee Hodd

Worries about the pandemic have put a damper on dating. Should those concerns also discourage sexual activity?

Intimacy and intercourse may not transmit COVID-19, but nearly everything else about sex with a partner increases your chances of getting sick, according to immunologists and health experts.

Bodily fluids exchanged during intercourse and genital contact isn’t what infects people whose partners are COVID-19 carriers, says William Schaffner, M.D., an infectious disease specialist and professor at Vanderbilt University. Instead, it’s intimate contact like heavy breathing, kissing and close proximity that causes risk.

Though coronavirus has been detected in semen, so far there’s no evidence it can be passed on that way.

“There’s nothing sexual about the transmission,” Schaffner says. “[It’s] the intimacy part of sexuality rather than the sexual organ functionality.”

Not giving up on intimacy

So if you’re dating and don’t want to give up sex, what’s the best way to curtail risk when it comes to transmission of COVID-19?

Pandemic safe sex guidelines released by the New York City Health Department last year recommend limiting sexual partners to those in your own household or pandemic bubble. The sexually explicit guidelines, which were parodied in a Saturday Night Live segment, suggest the safest sex is masturbation (wash your hands first) and offered “sexy Zoom parties” as an alternative with partners not in your household. The guidelines also said people should refrain from kissing and should wear coronavirus-preventing masks during sex.

Despite a certain amount of risk, older adults aren’t ready to give up on dating or sex. Instead, many are checking in with partners and adapting their sex lives to stay safe.

Communication with sexual partners is key

Tanya Henderson, a 63-year-old Nashville native, says she is always concerned about her sexual safety, not just during the pandemic.

“I am committed to remaining sexually active,” Henderson says, and before the pandemic hit, she would get tested for sexually transmitted infections as part of her adult sexual wellness efforts.

When the pandemic began, Henderson reserved sexual intimacy for a trusted partner she’d previously been intimate with, although the two were not in a committed relationship. In September 2020, Henderson did find a regular, exclusive partner and has since been in a relationship for a few months.

Henderson says frank conversations about COVID-19 with partners are essential, and says she and her initial COVID intimacy partner both wore masks in public and self-isolated to prevent the risk of getting sick. She also said both kept their circles “guarded” and small, only spending time with others who’d been tested or hadn’t had a lot of exposure to the illness.

“We were confident … we were safe,” Henderson says.

Tom Sommers, 57, who is pansexual and lives in Washington, D.C., says concerns about the coronavirus led him to delete his dating apps for four months. But he’s slowly starting to feel more comfortable taking precautions and being sexually active. But one issue has nothing to do with virus transmission.

Pandemic Safe Sex

According to experts, there are precautions older adults can take for safer sexual activity. They include:

  • Limit sexual partners to those in your own household, or those in your pandemic “bubble.”
  • Consider using technology like sexting, Facetiming, texting or video calling as alternative ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner.
  • Know the science and talk to your partners. Make sure everyone agrees to the same social distancing and mask procedures and that each partner is comfortable with the other’s pandemic precautions. “The coming together should be preceded by a conversation … you need that element of trust,” Schaffner says.
  • Practice good hygiene by washing up before and after sex.

Complete Article HERE!

You’ve Survived Cancer

— Now What About Dating?

Don’t let body image concerns and emotional changes stop you from seeking love

by Susan Moeller

Six years ago, Deanna Savage had breast cancer, followed by a double mastectomy and reconstruction. After more than a year of surgeries and treatment, she returned to online dating.

But her body felt different than in past years of dating: She had new “pucks and dents” in places and lost sensitivity in some areas. And she had something extra accompanying her on dates: her cancer diagnosis.

“I either mentioned it right away or I didn’t mention it for a while,” says Savage, 52, who works for a wine distributor in Milwaukee and founded a nonprofit breast cancer support organization, Savage Support. “Both ways scare people off because everyone has their own relationship or even explanation of what cancer is.… And so they projected that onto me.”

Cancer and its treatments affect not only the look of patients’ bodies but also sensation, mechanics and stamina, says experts like Savage, who is also a mentor with ABCD, or After Breast Cancer Diagnosis, a Milwaukee one-on-one mentoring organization. Yet companionship, romance and intimacy foster healing, says Yanette Tactuk, a licensed clinical social worker with Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City.

Resources for Dating After Cancer

Here are some places that help with navigating dating and sex in the face of a cancer diagnosis.

• Check with your local cancer center. Many now have survivorship clinics that address issues of wellness and lifestyle, including relationships and sexuality.

• Ask your health care provider or chapter of the American Cancer Society about in-person or online support groups.

• Look for peer mentoring programs at cancer centers or organizations such as ABCD (After Breast Cancer Diagnosis) to connect you one-on-one with someone who has had a similar experience.

• Consider reputable online sources such as Cancer.net, sponsored by the American Society of Clinical Oncologists, which has information on dating and sexuality.

• Find a therapist or certified sex educator. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a searchable online directory.

“It’s important to feel comfortable and confident, regardless of where you are in your treatment process and regardless of your relationship status,” Tactuk says. “The advantages of finding ways to love and accept oneself and to connect with others are physical, psychological, emotional and relational.”

Dating after cancer

If you’re ready to start dating, begin by thinking about why, says Jeffrey Gaudet, a licensed clinical social worker in Mashpee, Massachusetts, who has led cancer survivorship programs. Dating could include physical intimacy or not, he says.

“Understand your body, but also understand where you’re coming from emotionally,” he says. “Someone might be looking for a fully developed relationship that might lead to marriage, or they might be saying, ‘Hey, you know what, I just need someone to be with me.’”

Consider issues you’ve had with dating in the past, he says, such as how you communicate or feelings about your body. If you are ready for intimacy, don’t be shy about gathering information on how to make it work. As cancer patients live longer, more resources are available to improve the quality of their lives, including sexually. Don’t worry that you’re the only one who has a body that’s not looking or working quite as it used to.

“This is a really common experience,” says Don Dizon, M.D., professor of medicine at Brown University and founder of the Sexual Health First Responders Program in Providence, Rhode Island. “If you look at survey data, those who report some degree of sexual compromise is anywhere between 50 and 90 percent.”

Physicians and patients rarely discuss relationships or sex because cancer checkups are so focused on survival or treatment plans, Dizon says. Patients may be too distracted or embarrassed to ask questions, or think they are alone in having issues. A survey by the health organization Livestrong found that fewer than half of patients bring up these issues, he says.

“It’s really not until people leave that room that they start thinking, Boy, I really wanted to ask those other questions,” Dizon says. “We, as clinicians, assume things that are important will be brought to our attention by patients themselves, [but] when it comes to sexual health, that’s not going to happen.”

Discussing cancer and sexuality

For starters, he says, understand who you are as a sexual being. What’s your perspective on dating and sex? How do you respond to relationship cues? Are you able to communicate with a partner? Are you one to jump right into a relationship or expose your inner life slowly?

And be flexible about what intimacy might look like, Dizon says.

“What we’re learning is that couples can … find their own ways to experience pleasure and experience satisfaction,” he says.

Ellen Barnard, a social worker and certified sex educator who co-owns; A Woman’s Touch in Madison, Wisconsin, a sex education resource center and sexual health products shop, describes herself as a “problem solver.” One reason she and co-owner Myrtle Wilhite, M.D., started the shop 25 years ago was to help breast cancer patients find ways to improve sexual response without hormone replacement therapy.

Their website has a downloadable resource sheet on “Healthy Sexuality After Cancer,” as well as a place to submit questions. These days, Barnard and Wilhite work with customers with all kinds of cancers and also train health care providers.

“There’s plenty that can be done.… Nobody needs to lose their enjoyment of sexual pleasure,” Barnard says.

And remember, it’s unlikely that anyone over 50 will have a body that works perfectly.

“The most important thing that I try to instill in people is not to see themselves as ‘damaged,’” Dizon says. “Getting older comes with its own complications, but cancer’s not the only complication people will be bringing to the table.”

Complete Article HERE!

Here’s How Students Are Hooking Up During the Pandemic

Because they *are* still hooking up

By Michal Stein

January is not a particularly sexy month. The sparkle of the December holiday season has faded. It’s cold and dark and, even in the best of times, going out may not be particularly inviting. But in a school setting, there was always something alluring about a clean slate, new classes and the possibility of meeting new people.

If you’re a post-secondary student, you might be trying to have as normal a year as you possibly can, whether you’re living in residence, in an apartment off campus or at home with your parents. But school is already stressful enough, and with a global pandemic still ongoing, it’s safe to say that academic stress is amplified this year. And while young people turn to various outlets as a means to blow off steam and de-stress, from exercise to bread baking and Netflix marathons, one of their other outlets is no longer really an easy option—or at least as safe an option as it was pre-pandemic: having sex.

In early September 2020, Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s top doctor, recommended using barriers, like masks, when engaging in sex with people outside your bubble, and trying positions that aren’t face-to-face in order to reduce the risk of COVID-19 transmission. Or just abstaining from sex with another person at all (because you know, you can do it yourself). But winter is lonely. And a pandemic winter is even lonelier, so it’s a natural time to want to find someone to cozy up to, whether that’s for a couple of months or for a couple of nights. In a normal academic year, there’s the allure of the cute person in your class giving you sideways glances, or the gritty glamour of dorm parties to fuel new connections and strange conversations. (Having gone to school in the Maritimes, I can confidently say that even a rollicking sea shanty singalong can lead to romance.)

But with lockdown measures in place in Ontario and Quebec, how students should navigate dating and hooking up going forward isn’t so clear, especially when we’ve already seen institutions like Western University report COVID-19 outbreaks less than a month into the 2020 academic year. ICYMI, in mid-September the Middlesex-London Health Unit released a visualization that showed just how these cases spread. Activities ranged from meeting up on campus, masks on and physical distancing in place, to hanging out in their friends’ houses without masks, to going out to bars, to sharing an e-cigarette. While CBC reported that the outbreak in September mostly involved students who live off campus, the health unit declared another outbreak in October, this time in a student residence. Sex between people who don’t live together wasn’t on this list, but it’s safe to say that students are still getting down and dirty.

Face masks and physical distancing are part of our new reality—but how that factors into our sex lives isn’t so straightforward. While COVID-19 isn’t necessarily spreading faster on university campuses than it is in the general public, there have been instances of community spread that link back to universities. For example, in December 2020, positive cases in Kingston, Ont. were traced back to house parties around the city’s University District. All of this means that students need to reframe the way they think about hooking up in the age of COVID. 

Students *are* still hooking up—it just looks a little different

Just because there’s a pandemic doesn’t mean that all sexually active students—or those who want to explore their sexuality—are becoming celibate.

Dr. Shemeka Thorpe is a sexuality educator and researcher at the University of Kentucky. Most students she’s spoken to are using dating apps this year, are generally sticking to virtual dates and are keeping IRL dates outdoors, and at a distance. This shift in dating might mean taking things slower. For some people, the getting-to-know-you phase might last a whole lot longer, until COVID numbers settle down enough for them to be comfortable getting close with someone new, and for others, this could mean going on more distanced dates before physically hooking up to ensure you’re comfortable with a potential partner’s level of exposure and safety measures.

Frankie*, 26, graduated post-secondary school a few years ago but started dating a University of Toronto student in early September 2020. They met on a dating app and knew that they wanted to have some sort of distanced sexual encounter when they eventually met up. When it came to determining what both partners were comfortable with regarding COVID and sex, the risk assessment wasn’t boring and awkward—they just built it into their flirting. Their date, Jamie*, had recently gotten a COVID-19 test, after someone in their program at school had tested positive. Frankie says, “I [didn’t] have symptoms, I was tested a month [before], so I was just laying it out like, ‘I haven’t been tested very recently, but these are my risk levels. This is where I go out, this is where I don’t go out;’ that sort of became pillow talk.”

Which, honestly, isn’t as different of a conversation as many people have—or should be having—pre-sex, even during non-pandemic times. “Before COVID, you would want to know how many partners is someone currently intimate with, what barrier methods are they using, when was the last time they got tested, and what were the results of that test. And the conversation’s the same now,” says Deirdre McLaughlin, a registered counsellor and sexual health educator in Nelson, B.C. McLaughlin would ordinarily start the school year giving talks at universities around sex positivity and consent. This year, conversations around consent look the same as they always do, just with an added layer of COVID-19 info, they told FLARE. They said they notice that when people are newer to sex, the conversations around safe sex are sometimes the hardest ones to broach. Typically, they do a lot of coaching around how to make those conversations more positive, and all the more so during the pandemic.

Biologist and science communicator Samantha Yammine says that COVID risk mitigation messaging has a lot to learn from sex-positive sex ed. “It teaches us about communication… [and] about not shaming and stigmatizing. We know that from years of HIV research, that when you shame and stigmatize people with an HIV positive status, it doesn’t help the pandemic,” she says. “Instead, when you empower people with the tools to take care of themselves and other people, and people feel comfortable having open conversations, the negative impact of HIV can be mitigated.” 

And as for the public health recommendation to try more *literal* barrier methods, like glory holes—that option wasn’t so appealing to Frankie and their partner. “I did a bit of research into that before going on my quest for boinking,” they said. “This is not quite practical to how a lot of people need intimacy and need physicality. It won’t satisfy those things. I would rather incorporate someone into my bubble.” Which is what Frankie and Jamie ended up doing for a while—agreeing to only sleep with each other; eventually, that relationship ran its course.

Another factor to note: With many universities implementing no guest policies—meaning people who don’t live in the building aren’t allowed inside—according to Frankie, if you’re hooking up with someone in a dorm, “there will likely be sneaking in.” The Chestnut residence at the University of Toronto implemented their no-guest policy back in March of 2020. While they haven’t listed explicit consequences, their residence policy states that continued disregard of COVID-19 guidelines in shared spaces might result in “sanctions.” McMaster’s residence agreement contract doesn’t allow for guests during COVID-19 either, and references possible disciplinary action ranging from notice to eviction.

That doesn’t mean everyone feels safe getting close in person—or close at all

But while people like Frankie and Jamie were looking for ways to experience physical intimacy, that doesn’t mean that *every* sexually active student is thirsting for physical touch amidst a pandemic. In fact, sexuality and sex science educator Eva Bloom—who wrote A Compassionate Guide to Sexuality & COVID-19, an e-book on sexuality during COVID—found the opposite to be true; a lot of people she works with are reporting experiencing changes in their sexual habits during the pandemic, like having less sex with their partner.

“We’re basically living in a constant, low-level state of stress all the time,” Bloom says. “And a lot of our support system, like being connected with friends and family, has been taken away or restricted.” She points to a University of British Columbia study showing that stress is an incredibly common contributor to low sexual desire. It can be hard to get in a sexy headspace these days. Throw a bunch of term papers and online group projects on top of that, and you’ve got a recipe for a very unsexy semester.

“It’s the emotional capacity for grief and trauma, because we’re also in a racial justice uprising,” says sexual health and consent educator Samantha Bitty of the past year, and the renewed energy around the Black Lives Matter movement. “Folks recognize what their capacity is to be emotionally, physically, spiritually available to another person. I think that people opt out [of sexual encounters] because it’s overwhelming.”

Students, and young adults in general, are also living with their parents in much higher numbers during the pandemic. According to a study from the Pew Research Center, 52% of 18- to 29-year-olds in the United States are living with their parents, a level not seen since the Great Depression. Beyond any potential awkwardness of bringing home a hookup while Mom and Dad are watching The Crown, there’s also the issue of potential health issues. While the thought of getting COVID-19 can be scary for anyone, it’s *especially* scary if a parent has a pre-existing health condition.

Confusing public health messaging around sex and COVID didn’t exactly help

And it’s no surprise that young people would want to opt out of sexual encounters all together, because vague and unrepresentative public health messaging around intimacy and COVID isn’t only confusing, but it’s also partly to blame for uncertainty around best practices when it comes to hooking up. The overriding misstep when it comes to public health messaging, Bitty says, is that it really doesn’t reflect people’s lived experiences.

“It was abstinence-only type education, and there was a glaring absence of sexual health or relational information,” Bitty says. And when they did start talking about it, the messaging only really reflected a heteronormative, monogamous narrative.

“A lot of public health messaging has kind of operated under the assumption that people live in a singular kind of family,” Yammine says. This largely ignores single people living with roommates, in dorm settings, or couples living separately. If people don’t see their own circumstances reflected, Bitty says, it’s that much harder to make individual decisions that benefit a collective well-being. Or to take said well-being seriously.

Pointing to the messaging about masked sex and glory holes as an example, Bitty notes that this messaging was a 180-degree pivot in public health communication, which had been fairly conservative and more focused on sex that happened between people who already lived together. Because of this, “most people just thought it was funny and dismissed [the messaging], or they can’t imagine having sex in a way that’s rooted in a risk-aversion in that specific way,” she says. “We can’t even get people to wear condoms to have oral sex. Do you think they’re going to wear a mask?”

Not to mention the fact that many people in their late teens and twenties just find the guidelines straight-up confusing. Yammine conducted an informal survey through her Instagram about the challenges young people are facing in the pandemic—the key theme in their responses? Despite trying their best to reduce risk, they didn’t feel they were getting relevant advice and had no guidelines to work from. Some schools, like McGill, Queens and Ryerson, are integrating COVID-19 advice into their sexual health materials, and McMaster has put out a comprehensive COVID-19 Dating and Hookup Safety Guide, but many others have not.

The McMaster resource recognizes that some students will meet up for sex, even if it breaks stay-at-home orders. In the disclaimer, they write that they’re not *encouraging* in-person partnered sex. Rather, their aim is to provide tips to stay as safe as possible during partnered sex. Their harm reduction approach gives students practical, actionable tools to make informed decisions about their sex lives during a difficult and confusing time.

They organize tips in order from lowest to highest risk, starting with masturbation and fantasy and leading up to in-person partnered sex. They suggest lighting candles and reading erotica as ways to make masturbation more satisfying than just a quick way to get off, and offer a list of questions to discuss before going into a partner’s house.

“At this point, people still saying ‘just stay home’ is tired. You can’t keep saying that same message because we’re [almost a year] in,” Yammine says. “Abstinence-only has never worked well—not when it comes to sex education, and not when it comes to a pandemic. We need to talk about harm reduction and empower people with tools to make lower-risk decisions in all aspects of their life, including their personal life.”

There are some ways to get down and dirty—safely

Despite somewhat shoddy public messaging, there are ways to stay connected and forge intimacy during this time. While keeping guidelines top of mind, of course. “First and foremost, the public health guidelines take precedence,” Yammine emphasizes. This might mean trying your hand at (safe) sexting—either with a human partner or chat bot, and listening to audio erotica.

“Right now, we’re currently in lockdown [in Toronto] and being asked not to see anyone. And so I would say, maybe now is the time to do virtual dating and get to know people. And then when lockdown ends maybe then you can choose who’s worth seeing in person,” Yammine says. When it comes to dating, almost all of our experts suggested asking about the COVID precautions the other person is taking as a way to see if your values align with your potential partner. If wearing a mask is important to you, but they’re maybe a bit of an anti-masker, that’s probably a good sign that you’re not compatible in other ways, too.

Some universities have also developed online tools for less experienced students to work on their relationship skills. Farrah Khan is the manager of Consent Comes First, which offers support for students who have experienced sexual assault, at Ryerson University. A lot of research, she says, suggests that one way to address sexual violence is to provide people with relationship skills and skills around sexual health and boundary creation. Khan teamed up with her counterparts at Wilfred Laurier University and Carleton University (Sexual Violence Response Coordinator Sarah Scanlon and Bailey Reid, a Senior Advisor in Gender and Sexual Violence Prevention and Support, respectively), to create an online community called the Curiosity Lab, an online relationship lab that meets once a month to talk about things like flirting, online dating and harassment. “Sometimes it feels safer for folks to participate this way,” she says. If participants are living with their family and don’t have a lot of privacy, they can participate interactively through shared Google Docs.

Of course, with the vaccine rollout in Canada underway, it may be tempting to jump into a life of all make-out sessions, all the time. But Yammine says it won’t be quite that easy. “I think what people aren’t expecting is [that] the vaccine will come and then it’s over, snap your fingers. But in fact, it’s probably going to take several months,” she says. Depending on where you are, the first vaccine phase will likely consist of priority groups—populations that are more at-risk and front-line workers. “We’re going to still have to use other public health, non-pharmaceutical interventions like distancing, masks [and] ventilation, to continue to keep the spread low.” The hope is, once the priority groups receive their immunization, we’ll start to see things like hospital deaths declining. Once the situation becomes less dire, we may be able to slowly open up in stages. While it’s still hard to say exactly when more of the general public will be vaccinated, two web developers made a calculator that can help people estimate when they might expect to get the vaccine. Factors like age, whether you’re an essential worker, and whether you live in a congregate setting are all considered—though dorms aren’t specified in particular.

“Just try to have a little fun while dating and make the most out of this year that you can, because it is different and it’s new and, truthfully, we’re all learning. Although having some of these conversations may be awkward, they’re also awkward for everyone else,” Thorpe says. She explains that a healthy sex life is still within reach, even for those of us making our way through a lockdown winter without a regular partner. “To me, a healthy sex life is one that’s pleasurable, it’s one that keeps you safe…. But it’s one, too, that’s also intimate.”

Complete Article HERE!i

How to pick the best lube for you

By

  • Lube can make penetrative and anal sex more pleasurable experiences.
  • Choose a lube that fits your needs. Some aren’t compatible with condoms and sex toys.
  • The three main categories of lubricant are water-based, oil-based, and silicone-based.
  • Lubrication, whether it comes from your vagina or an outside source, can make all kinds of sex acts more pleasurable.

    But figuring out which personal lubrication is the best one for your needs can feel tricky when you’re faced with an aisle of options.

    The key is to consider the three main categories of lube, oil-based, water-based, and silicone-based, and try one that fits your needs, according to Dr. Ina Park, an associate professor at University of California San Francisco’s School of Medicine and author of the upcoming book “Strange Bedfellows: Adventures in the Science, History and Surprising Secrets of STDs.”

    “Vaginas are really sensitive and sometimes you have to go through a process of elimination and figure out what does and doesn’t work for you,” Park told Insider.

    Water-based lubricants

    Water-based lubricants can be found at drugstores, gas stations, and grocery stores, making them an accessible and affordable option.

    This type of lube is compatible with condoms, so they’re a good option for someone who wants to use the drugstore contraceptive for birth control or STD prevention. Water-based lubes are also compatible with any type of sex toy, no matter what material it’s made from.

    Some people steer clear from water-based options because many contain genital-irritating ingredients like glycerin, according to Park.

    People who are prone to yeast infections should avoid glycerin-containing lubes, OBGYN Dr. Lauren Streicher previously told Prevention. Though this ingredient makes water-based lubes more slippery, it also contains sugar, an ingredient that can contribute to yeast overgrowth.

  • But for folks with “resilient vaginas,” as Park said, who rarely get vaginal infections, a glycerin-containing water-based lube could be fine.

    Some water-based lube brands, like Astroglide and Sliquid, also have glycerin-free options, so if you have an infection-prone vagina but need to use condoms, it’s worth giving them a try.

    There’s also a chance you could get a yeast infection from a glycerin-containing water-based lube even if you haven’t had one before.

    “It is possible that these products change the delicate balance of vaginal flora — organisms that live in the vagina — and acidity in a healthy vagina,” Joelle Brown, a researcher who authored a 2013 study on how various lubes affected women’s vaginas, told Prevention. “Any changes in that balance, whether it’s due to irritating lubricants or otherwise, can trigger an infection.”

    That’s why Park suggested experimenting with individual lubes, seeing how your body reacts, and going from there.

    Popular brands like Astroglide and K-Y Jelly are water-based lubes.

    Silicone-based lubricants

    Silicone-based lubes are slicker and more difficult to wipe away than water-based ones, making them ideal for anal sex and shower sex, said Park.

    “They’re more substantial and thicker and they can be used with condoms. So for people who like have sex in the shower, they don’t just wash away, like with water-based lubes,” Park said.

    Though silicone lubes can be used with latex condoms, it’s best to keep them off any silicone-based sex toys. That’s because combining two silicone-based objects can erode the silicone and damage your toys.

  • Oil-based lubricants

    If you prefer a more natural or do-it-yourself approach to lube, an oil-based option could be a good fit.

    Park said she’s noticed coconut oil rise in popularity as a household-essential-turned-lube because of its slippery texture and long-lasting nature. Olive oil, vitamin E oil, and avocado oil are also options for DIY oil-based lube.

    Since these oils don’t contain sugar, they’re great for people who are prone to vaginal infections, said Park.

    She said as long as the oil doesn’t have a fragrance, which many massage or body oils do, they can keep things slick without irritating your genitals.

    There’s one downside to oil-based formulas: They can’t be used with latex condoms because they’ll erode the material and render the condom ineffective. That’s why Park suggests oil-based lubes primarily for people in monogamous relationships.

Complete Article HERE!

“Kink” Confronts the Challenge of Turning Sex Into Literature

A perhaps irreconcilable tension exists between a good story about kink and a good story about what kink means.

By

“I’ve been kneeling here about ten minutes in the sheer black blouse, the crotchless panties. I don’t dare get up long enough to check my makeup. My back is straight, and my palms and cunt are trembly. The motion-sensor light outside the house blinks on, and then the door swings open.” So begins a scene from “Emotional Technologies,” by Chris Kraus, one of the fifteen stories rounded up in “Kink,” a new anthology of literary fiction. The book mostly interprets kink—nontraditional sexual preference—to mean B.D.S.M., with a smattering of polyamory (and, puzzlingly, liaisons between trans or fluidly gendered people). “Literary fiction,” meanwhile, is a publicist’s phrase. Here, it nods to the reputation of the volume’s editors, R. O. Kwon and Garth Greenwell, and to the prestige of its contributors, who include Alexander Chee, Carmen Maria Machado, and Brandon Taylor. (Skimming the table of contents conjured, for me, the entrance to some publishing gala where place cards inscribed with gold calligraphy rest on white tablecloths.) In an introduction, the editors write of their hope to address kink as “a complex, psychologically rich act of communication” that raises “questions of power, agency, identity.” The stories, in other words, should do more than titillate. They should edify, challenge; they should buy you dinner.

That’s the goal. In reality, the tales sit at various intersections of smolder and technical accomplishment. Many do exert an indirectness or subtlety that bends the straight line from longing to gratification. Of these entries, some are arresting—the characters precise, the language invitingly lush—and some are inert. Several contributions evoke erotica, and a few manage to be both sexy and illuminating, although too much thoughtful interrogation can diminish the sex, like explaining a joke. What becomes clear is that a perhaps irreconcilable tension exists between a good story about kink and a good story about what kink means.

Consider Kraus’s entry, which I loved for the way it presses the hard edge of theory against the body’s soft surface. Dom-sub performance is “a bit like what Ezra Pound imagined the Noh drama of Japan to be,” she writes, “a paradox in which originality is attained only through compliance with tradition.” Kraus argues that sadomasochism takes the rituals of courtship literally: “How many times have I, has every heterosexual female in this culture, spent evenings mooning around our houses and apartments, psychically stripped bare and on our knees while waiting for ‘his’ call?” But if rote or prescribed gestures can paradoxically confer freedom, they also brighten the challenge of crafting “literature” out of kink. For Kraus, the sadomasochistic encounter represents a “mythic text,” in which psychological dynamics become externalized: “everything’s direct and on the surface . . . the master and the slave, the monster and the slut.” Stories that cut, as many of “Kink” ’s do, in the other direction—toward metaphor, subtext, an interior world—conform to our idea of good fiction, but they also seem to waste an opportunity to explore kink as an aesthetic.

Of course, there are myriad sensibilities that might read as kinky, just as there are myriad ways to define kink. But the book doesn’t offer precise definitions of its subject, and so its aesthetics are also imprecise, defaulting often to a diligent seriousness. Mainly, the book bestows visibility: on unconventional desires, on the authors who depict them. Here is a married couple—an ex-Catholic woman and her vanilla husband—who arrange a session with a dominatrix; here is a sex worker, with her “long, black, dark, and lovely wig,” and the boyish client who calls her “Ma’am” before he sucks her cock; here is a divorced gallery curator who, wooing his girlfriend at a KinkFest convention, conceals a history of experimentation with his cousin. You might secretly wait and hope for the acknowledgment of your own proclivity—who wouldn’t—but it’s also pretty clear that part of the book’s allure flows from what could (charitably) be called curiosity, or (uncharitably) voyeurism. This isn’t unique to “Kink,” of course. On some level, to read anything is to press your face to the keyhole of other people’s fantasies.

What you see, in this case, is how kink can be used to connect, invent, play, or hide, to deflect real vulnerability with a staged submission. The collection’s strongest stories, remembering that sex also takes place in the brain, twist the mental and the physical into a Möbius strip. In “The Cure,” by Melissa Febos, a depressive character releases herself from worrying about her lover’s comfort, unceremoniously sending him away whenever he uses poor kissing technique or expects too much tenderness. The scenes of intercourse are spare and efficient. It is not until afterward, when the woman is alone, that a warmth and lyricism enter the prose: “the orgasm was deep and silent, the kind that opens a room in the body and then fills it with light.” Taylor’s story, “Oh, Youth,” seems almost to glisten with physical craving. It’s set in a place of manicured beauty, with pools and lawns and terraces, and the narrator is alert to both his and his friends’ bodies, noticing their nostrils, nails, sacra, the fine hair on their forearms. But, as with Roxane Gay’s similarly sensual contribution, the story’s real drama is psychological. Both authors explore the humiliation of loving others, and what patience and privacy those others are owed.

The obligations that intimacy creates form a surprising through line in “Kink.” For all its raunch, the book is very much a study of trust. Greenwell’s story, “Gospodar”—which also appears in his novel-in-stories “Cleanness,” from 2020—speaks from the wreckage of that trust. After the narrator meets up with another man, the interaction careens, at first imperceptibly but then unstoppably, from stimulating to predatory. The story’s work is to show how blurry the edge between appropriate and inappropriate behavior—an edge defined entirely by consent—can seem from without, and yet how undeniable its violation feels to the lover, who is now, also, a survivor. But Greenwell’s narrator—his survivor—does not settle for long in this new identity. Having escaped, bleeding and weeping, into the street, he uneasily imagines the moment in which his boundaries will again disappear: “I felt with a new fear how little sense of myself I have, how there was no end to what I could want or to the punishment I would seek.”< Greenwell demonstrates how the extremity—the perceived borderlessness—of sadomasochistic practice can be used to justify harm. But, reading “Kink,” I started to think not just about the perimeters of acceptable actions but about the perimeters of authorized feeling. For centuries, literature has been considered a realm of exquisite and epic emotions: love, hate, joy, grief. In her 2005 book, “Ugly Feelings,” however, the critic Sianne Ngai argues that contemporary fiction deserves recognition for evoking such “unprestigious feelings” as irritation and anxiety. “Kink” almost reads as a continuation of this project, a bid to add lust or arousal to the suite of celebrated “literary” responses. (In this, the editors honor a long lineage of writers, from the Marquis de Sade to Mary Gaitskill.) The point is not to perfectly elucidate kink as a concept but to lower the drawbridge of literary value—to the unapologetically porny “Best Friendster Date Ever,” by Chee (which previously appeared in “The Best American Erotica 2007”); to the prickly, seductive “Safeword,” by Kwon (which was published, in 2017, in Playboy); to “The Lost Performance of the High Priestess of the Temple of Horror,” by Machado, a tale as indebted to bodice rippers as it is to the velvet butcheries of Angela Carter.

In some cases, the recognition is overdue. And yet I would be remiss if I did not mention that several of the stories in “Kink” are abysmally bad. You can pursue the causes, consequences, and metaphors of B.D.S.M. so studiously that the acts themselves become domesticated. (Also, several entries are rife with cliché—and not the liberating kind.) It’s curious that the collection declares its subject to be kink, not sex; doing so embeds the gathered work in a firmament of norms and identities rather than one of hungers, sensations. But maybe this is by design; as the reader’s mind tracks back and forth between bodies and definitions, she begins to see those definitions’ flimsiness, and to wonder about the unexpressed depths that live in each of us. Cultural judgments are never fixed, and the imprecision of the word “kink” in some ways echoes the imprecision of the word “literature,” which depends on a superfluity of truth or beauty that is impossible to pin down. In that way, at least, art is exactly like smut: you know it when you see it.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Maintain Your Sexual Health in Long Relationships

– 2021 Guide

The sexual energy between you and your partner is what’s going to define how long your relationship will last. For some people this is still a taboo subject in 2021 but it really shouldn’t be. Speaking of relationships, things in the bedroom can really become dull after a few years. In fact, when you take a look at the statistics and what most sex therapists are telling us on this topic, most clients are those who are already in a relationship for more than four years. This is pretty normal but it shouldn’t be like that. Even after being with someone for twenty or more years, things can still be spicy if you know how to make them spicy.

In today’s article we’ll talk about maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship, so without any further ado let’s take a look at what you need to know.

Trying new things whenever you can

Even if you do the most exciting thing in your life for many years it will eventually become boring. It’s just how we humans function. We need change, we need fresh things, we need to adapt and we need to constantly stimulate our satisfactions with something that we haven’t heard or tried before. The same thing goes for your sexual relationship, and this is backed up by many professional opinions of top-tier sex therapists and doctors. Shortly put, you can’t keep things “vanilla” for multiple decades, expecting them to feel like that thrill you had on your first time.

But, feeling bored doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner anymore. It just means that you two need to start exploring and changing things up. This doesn’t have to be anything drastic, not at all actually. Something a new pair of underwear your partner has can be enough to give you that feeling of freshness and re-ignite the spark that can set the fire.

Not overdoing or forcing things in the bedroom

If you are being active in the bedroom just because you think that’s what couples need to do, and not because you feel like being active, things will surely get boring really soon. You shouldn’t force things, and you shouldn’t overdo them either. Whenever you two feel like doing something in the bedroom is the only time you should be doing something in the bedroom. Simple as that. No, there aren’t any rules you need to follow, and it certainly doesn’t mean that your marriage or relationship is about to end because you skipped a day this week. Don’t be silly.

Focusing on self-improvement which can drastically increase sexual energy

There’s nothing more attractive than seeing your partner working on improving in all fields of life. Whether this is physical exercise to sculpt their body in shape, or just trying to improve and become a happier person, it’s the most attractive thing in life. And, your partner thinks the same about you. So instead of just wondering what could be the reason for the lack of sexual energy, start self-improving, and you’ll realize that the problem is already gone.

Now of course, some people have medical conditions that prevent them from “performing” properly in the bedroom, but this is not the end of the story. There are a lot of things you can do to get back your self-confidence. The best thing is a lifestyle change but thanks to technology we have other helpful tools we can use for a boost. For more information you can click here.

Being healthier in all aspects of life, both physically and mentally

Going to the gym, or exercising at home, are both things that can drastically change your quality of life. How? Well, first of all you’ll feel better at all times thanks to the extra happiness hormones your body produces when you are physically active. Next, you’ll have a good-looking body which automatically raises your self-confidence while at the same time it increases the feelings your partner has for you. Being healthier allows you to have more stamina and to perform better in bed. If you want to be happier in your long-term relationship, physical exercise and healthy living are two things that you cannot and shouldn’t disregard.

Communicating with your partner about each and every thing

How do you know what a person likes if they don’t tell you? How can you know what your partner prefers to see or do in bed unless they tell you? Well, the same thing applies to you as well. Unless you are open and communicative about the things you like or dislike in the bedroom, your partner won’t know how to adapt and make those wishes come true. When it comes to sexual things, the picture is not as black and white. Different people have different desires. You can’t just assume that “all women like this” or “all men prefer this” and go with that mindset. Don’t guess, don’t attempt. Communicate. Nothing takes a relationship further than proper, open communication.

Mutual encouragement and accepting “flaws” and imperfections

Sometimes we feel bad about a certain imperfection and that’s perfectly normal. Although it’s silly and dumb, it’s normal. Nobody is born perfect and we all have slight imperfections that make us feel worried. Well, unless someone tells you that it’s perfectly normal to accept who you are, chances are that we’ll keep on living with the feeling of disappointment for a really long time, and this can greatly impact our self-confidence and our performance in the bedroom. Accepting your partner’s flaws and encouraging them to live how they were meant to live is very important. Don’t disregard it as it can be a complete game-changer.

Conclusion

Maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship is not the easiest thing unless you know how to do it. Thankfully, we created this guide to help you uncover the secrets of living happily with your partner for many years to come. We thank you for the time you took to read it, and we hope that we helped you learn a thing or two. Stay safe and protect your passion.

Complete Article HERE!

Sex Workers’ Voices

— 10 Books About Sex Work by Sex Workers

By

Sex work is a controversial topic even in the most liberal circles. The conversation can vary from ethics, to feminism, to the law, and more. Issues of stigma and criminalization are the realities of sex workers all around the world. Furthermore, sex workers are often queer people and people of colour and thus face overlapping oppression.

Having discussions about the realities of sex work is extremely important in order to destigmatize it. If you are interested in feminism and sexuality, or you participate in the world of the sex industry, I can recommend any of these books. The best way to begin the conversation around sex work is to listen to the workers speak.

Coming Out Like A Porn Star: Essays On Pornography, Protection, and Privacy Edited by Jiz Lee

The concept of “coming out” is not unfamiliar to anybody who identifies as LGBTQ+, but what about other types of coming out? What else can you come out as? In this unique anthology, genderqueer performer Jiz Lee introduces us to a collection of 50+ essays written by porn stars. These essays detail their coming out stories, from hilarious to heartbreaking. This anthology includes famous porn stars and new porn stars, as well as people across the gender and sexuality spectrum, and many voices of people of colour. Coming out is never easy, and it seems nearly everyone has a story to tell.

hustling verse: an anthology of sex worker poetry cover

Hustling Verse Edited by Amber Dawn and Justin Ducharme

Amber Dawn and Justin Ducharme bring us a different sex worker anthology, this time it is all poetry! Hustling Verse explores various styles of poetry and storytelling. The featured poetry covers topics including sexuality, relationships, and trauma. Contributions come from sex workers from all walks of life and across North America, Asia, and Europe. Additionally, the cover art is by Exotic Cancer, an Aussie sex worker and illustrator.

revolting prostitutes cover

Revolting Prostitutes by Juno Mac and Molly Smith

In this book, Juno Mac and Molly Smith guide the reader through the sex worker rights movement. Revolting Prostitutes explores how the law harms sex workers and what they want instead. The questions of the law and how to support sex worker rights are situated in a discussion of white supremacy, migration, and feminism. In essence, this book advocates for the complete decriminalization of sex work all over the world.

Whip Smart: The True Story of a Secret Life by Melissa Febos

Melissa Febos’s book covers her transformation from a college student into being a professional dominatrix. Whip Smart explores a deeply personal story; when Febos breaks the boundaries she set for herself, she finds herself in a precarious situation. Febos delves into issues of power, sexuality, and dangerous truths in this intimate memoir.

how poetry saved my life cover

How Poetry Saved My Life: A Hustler’s Memoir by Amber Dawn

Written in 2013 by one of the editors of Hustling Verse, this memoir is about how writing became the author’s lifeline. Through prose and poetry, Amber Dawn reveals the story of her life hustling the streets of Vancouver. In addition to Dawn’s experience as a sex worker, How Poetry Saved My Life navigates the personal terrain of sexuality, queer identity, and survivor pride. Above all, this memoir is about a love of poetry and literature and the transformative power of these arts.

thriving in sex work cover

Thriving in Sex Work by Lola Davina

Coming at sex work from a place of self-preservation and self care, Lola Davina brings us Thriving In Sex Work. Davina challenges the perception that sex work is “easy money” and addresses the pitfalls. This book navigates how sex work relates to friendships, money and life. In addition to the day-to-day, Davina delves into broader topics as well. Thriving in Sex Work explores sex work myths, how to survive emotional burnout, and how to cultivate a healthy body and mind. However, that’s barely scraping the surface.

Davina has two other companion books for this wonderful guide: The Thriving in Sex Work Workbook and Thriving in Sex Work: Sex Work and Money.

Playing the Whore by Melissa Gira Grant

Grounding her book in her ten years of experience as an activist, organizer and sex worker, Melissa Gira Grant takes on major issues in the sex industry. In a short 150 pages, Grant critiques the policing of sex workers, the conditions of the industry, and the ongoing discussions surrounding how we see the sex industry as well as the sex workers themselves. Grant hits the major points of these huge topics and takes a powerful stance on the rights of sex workers.

Insatiable: Porn – A Love Story by Asa Akira

In this memoir, Asa Akira recounts her life as a stripper, dominatrix, and one of the most hardworking and extreme porn stars in the business. In addition to her over 300+ films, she has won many awards for her work. This memoir was named after her best-selling series, Asa Akira is Insatiable. Doubling as a personal memoir and a commentary on the industry, Akira shares her perspective on sex as a part of our lives and culture. In short, Akira’s memoir is shameless, passionate, funny and endearing.

striptastic a celebration of dope-ass cunts who like to make money

Striptastic by Jacqueline France

This coffee table book is educational, funny, and tongue-in-cheek. A celebration of femininity and shamelessness, Striptastic! contains illustrations and interviews collected from 300 sex workers around the world. This book is an unapologetic and entertaining journey through the day and night lives of strippers.

to live freely in this world sex worker activism in africa book cover

To Live Freely in this World by Chi Adanna Mgbako

Chi Adanna Mgbako is the first to fully tell the story of the people at the heart of the sex worker activism movement in Africa. Activists from Kenya to Nigeria to South Africa are challenging anti-prostitution movements as well as taking on issues that affect the trans, queer, and HIV-positive members of their community. Mgbako gathered stories and testimonies from hundreds of sex workers participating in the movement. Her work has helped to fill in the blanks in studies of sex work and African feminism.

The discussions around sex work are ongoing. It is a complicated and taboo subject. As with any difficult topic, educating yourself and listening is one of the best ways to engage in controversial subject matter.

Complete Article HERE!

How to Ask for What You Want Sexually

Doing so may improve your relationship.

By

Developing good communication is important in relationships, and that’s just as true when it comes to sex—which is why knowing how to describe what you want in bed is such a valuable skill.

Piping up about a new turn-on, or wanting to try new positions, can increase the intimacy between the two of you—or even rekindle the spark when you and a longtime partner have plateaued in the bedroom. If you’ve just started seeing each other, the newness of your bond provides a great opportunity to start a dialogue early, so that you both feel free to verbalize what you want sexually on an ongoing basis.

“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” says Casey Tanner, LCPC, a therapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy and expert for LELO toys. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”

Sometimes, a fear they’ll bruise their partner’s ego holds them back, Tanner says. “Others are afraid to be judged,” she continues. Often, they don’t know how to answer the question even when they’re asked, “because they don’t even know what they want. So it’s important for people to name their communication barrier.”

No matter what’s kept you from making a sexual request to your partner, you can definitely learn how to do it proudly.

To ask for what you want in bed, start by lowering the stakes.

“You don’t have to be a hundred percent sure you’re going to love something in order to ask for it,” Tanner says. “Some people think, ‘if I ask for it, I better like it!” But how do we know we like it if we haven’t tried it yet?” It’s okay if you want to stop midway through if you’re not into something new—even if it was your idea.

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Tanner suggests framing it by saying a version of this: “There’s something I’d love to try with you,” because “that leaves room for, ‘hey we’re trying this together. I’m not committing to wanting this as a part of my sex life forever, it’s just something I want to try.”

Know when to ask in the moment, and when to wait.

“For things such as small adjustments or changing a technique slightly, asking in the moment is totally appropriate,” says Tanner. Commands like “harder,” “slower” “faster,” “a little to the right,” for example.

When you’re introducing something brand-new, like experimenting with sex toys or anal sex, you definitely want to broach the idea before you’re in the heat of the moment, maybe during date night. “If it’s something that’s going to require a nuanced conversation about consent—kink or BSDM, for example—those are the requests that you want to bring up in a non-sexual context.”

If you’re afraid to hurt their feelings…

Be sure to start from a place of praise, says Taylor Sparks, sex educator and founder of pleasure site OrganicLoven. During one of those outside-the-bedroom conversations, she says, “what I like to do with my partners is to say something like, ‘You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I’d like even more?'”

Describe what you want as specifically as you can, Sparks says (she uses the example of asking your partner to move their tongue up and down during oral sex, as opposed to side to side). “Once you’re in bed and they’re doing what they normally do, you’ve already planted the seed about what you want,” she says. So when they’re down there, you can say, “this is a great time for the up-and-down!”

Avoid words like “always” and “never.”

“Sometimes when we’re looking to get what we want, we confuse it with what we don’t want, and the approach to our partner can be, ‘You’re not doing it right!'” Sparks says. In the spirit of asking with appreciative enthusiasm, playful suggestions are hot. Sharp criticism is not. Tanner recommends making it a point to stay away from phrases like “you always do this,” or “you never do this.”

If you’re nervous, say so.

If you’re anxious about asking, you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. “You might say, ‘I’m new to sharing what I want during sex, so this is a little anxiety-provoking for me’,” Tanner suggests. “By just sharing that feeling with their partner, they’re also letting their partner know, ‘this is vulnerable for me, and I need you to hear this.’”

Share your “why.”

Do you know why you want to try it? “The answer doesn’t have to be complex—it could just be it sounds hot, or you’re curious, or you love doing it when you masturbate,” says Tanner. “Often, our go-to when someone gives us feedback is to think we’ve been doing something wrong. Sharing that ‘why’ helps your partner know this isn’t criticism.”

Show them with your hand.

If there’s a very specific way you’d like your partner to switch up their style during oral sex, and the words to describe it are failing you, try a nonverbal approach. Taking their hand, use your tongue on the sensitive skin between their thumb and index finger, showing them the type of speed, pressure, and technique you need to take you over the edge.

If they ask what you like in bed, and you don’t know how to answer…

You might have some self exploration to do, perhaps with the help of a good vibrator (fun!). But if it’s because you’re drawing a blank in the face of an open-ended question, Sparks suggests turning the q back to your partner. “Ask them, ‘what do you like to do with a partner in bed?’ And that gives you a moment to think about it.”

As they voice what they like, you can chime in when something excites you, too. “Now you’re kind of making your list off of theirs,” Sparks continues. When they name something that doesn’t intrigue you, try a “hmm.” “That doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. It just means you’ve heard them, and you acknowledge it.”

Return the favor.

After you’ve shared, Tanner recommends that you show curiosity in your partner’s pleasure by asking if there’s anything they would like to try (if you haven’t learned it already from your ‘what do you like in bed?’ conversation).

Don’t take a “no” personally.

The potential sting of rejection can loom large. “I think there’s so much shame around this conversation,” Tanner says. “It’s so easy to jump to, ‘I’m bad, this request is bad, what I want is wrong.’ But all it really means is that it’s not something this person wants as part of their sex life—it has nothing to do with who you are.”

And when we do get a no, “we have to ask how important it is to us,” Tanner adds. “Is this a need, or a want?”

Consider when it’s time to consult a therapist.

If you’ve tried everything, and your partner has yet to incorporate your feedback, “at that stage, it’s become a communication issue,” Tanner says. It could be a misunderstanding, or there could be something blocking your partner’s willingness to follow through. “You might say something like, ‘we’ve had this conversation a couple times, and it seems like maybe there’s a disconnect. Can you share what’s maybe holding you back?'”

If you’ve asked them to stop doing something and they won’t, Tanner says, that’s a consent issue. Alternately, “if you’ve asked for something new, it may be a discrepancy in the kind of sex that each of you desire,” she adds. In either event, it may be time to consider visiting a couple’s therapist or sex therapist to facilitate those conversations.

Ultimately, you and your partner share a goal: Enjoying your sexual experience with each other. “It’s not about a problem,” Tanner says. “It’s about potential.”

Complete Article HERE!

What Is Gender Blindness?

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Gender blindness is an ideology where a person chooses not to see differences between genders. Gender blindness can be harmful. It can further gender inequalities because it ignores historical differences between people of different genders.

The reality is people are treated differently in public, relationships, health care, and throughout their daily lives because of their gender. These are factors we cannot ignore as we try to treat all individuals with respect on the road to gender equality. Due to sexism and transphobia, cisgender women and all transgender individuals are oppressed and are victimized through unconscious biases and stereotypes about them. Refusing to acknowledge how people can be oppressed or privileged because of their gender identities and if they are transgender or cisgender runs the risk of ignoring and not appropriately addressing the hardships of gender minorities and the systems of oppression that privilege cisgender men.

Gender awareness is the opposite of gender blindness. To be gender aware means to be in tune with the differences, expectations, and needs of people of different genders.

Cons of Gender Blindness

Instead of encouraging equality, gender blindness ignores the struggle that gender minorities have had to endure. It’s imperative to address these problems in order to move forward. By ignoring them, gender blindness is incredibly harmful to the future of equality.

Gender blindness is a similar to when people say they are colorblind, meaning they don’t see race. Some people may use it to hide their racism while others adopt the ideology in order to avoid taking responsibility for their racial privilege—either way, society is riddled with systematic racism and it can not be ignored or washed away. Stating that you are gender-blind holds a similar weight. Transgender people (people whose genders are different from the gender they were assigned at birth), women, and non-binary individuals are oppressed every day. By saying we don’t see societies disenfranchisement of these communities, we are saying that we don’t see the ways in how gender affect how people are treated and the kind of experiences that they have as a result.

Real change cannot occur, as a result. By minimizing or ignoring societal issues between genders, gender blindness is seen as a deterrent to future improvements. Gender blindness has the potential to help when practiced correctly, however.

Pros of Gender Blindness

Another way to look at gender blindness is to see it as a way to combat transphobia as well as sexism. Gender is not inherently tied to the sex that one is assigned at birth (yes, sex is a spectrum as well), and genders apart from man and woman exist. People can identify as man or woman, a combination of both, or neither. Transgender, gender non-conforming, and non-binary people are some examples of individuals who break stereotypes of what gender is. Gender minorities can also practice gender blindness to prevent gender roles and stereotypes about them from affecting their performance.

Professors from Stanford and Columbia looking at the importance of gender differences found that cisgender women who practice gender blindness feel more confident than women who practice gender awareness.1 In the study, women found that they were comfortable taking risks in male-dominated workplaces when they downplayed gender overall. The professors claimed that gender blindness doesn’t have to ignore the history of women but deemphasizes them instead, and that gender blindness should focus on similarities rather than differences.

The conclusions of this survey, however, barely apply to women of color, transgender women, and transgender women of color. The survey results also insinuate that it is very possible for women to downplay gender; this might be true for white cisgender women, but the relationships that transgender and cisgender women of color have with gender are exponentially more complicated because of their racial and transgender identities.

According to the study, if you ungender traits like assertiveness, confidence, risk-taking, and competitiveness, women are more willing to take on these traits as well. The study authors emphasized that gender oppression should not be downplayed or ignored. Instead, gender blindness can be used in the workplace to encourage women to embrace confidence and independence. By ungendering these traits, women gain the confidence to reclaim them.

How to Implement Gender Blindness

Sexism is deeply rooted in society, and has a lot of work to unpack and uproot stereotypes both professionally and personally. People who don’t fit into the heteronormative cisgender framework face discrimination at work, on the street, in relationships, and in everyday life. Heteronormativity is overarching dogma and belief system that presumes heterosexuality is the default, correct, and normal sexuality. It supports the gender binary.

Relationships

Using the term “gender blind” when discussing attraction can be harmful because it ignores the impact that being a transgender or cisgender woman or being another, binary or non-binary, gender has on a person’s life. It also downplays the importance that a gender identity can have in a partner’s life. While it can look inclusive because it creates a space for transgender and nonbinary people, it is more likely to actually be disrespectful and harmful.

One study looked at gender blindness in couples where one person transitioned later in the relationship and found that the couples deeply cared for one another’s personhood rather than their gender. These couples felt that their commitment and love extended beyond the gender binary.2

Pansexual

Pansexual people are attracted to all genders. Some pansexual people adopt the term “gender-blind.” This form of gender blindness is defined like this: pansexual people can be attracted to cisgender men and cisgender women, but they are also attracted to people who are intersex, trans, and nonbinary. This definition is transphobic.

Everyone of every sexuality can be attracted to people in all those groups. When gender blindness is presented as a core part of pansexuality, the individual is saying that it is not “normal” for people to be attracted to sex and gender minorities. It also insinuates that pansexuals are somehow better people for being willing to date intersex, binary trans, and nonbinary trans people.

The Arts

Gender blindness in casting, particularly in theater, is the idea that any actor can be cast in any role, regardless of gender. Some troupes when performing Shakespearean plays may have actresses playing the role of a character that has been historically played by actors, and vice versa.

The Workplace

Gender bias is often revealed in job applications. Male applicants receive more interviews than female applicants, and female applicants were offered a lower salary than male applicants although they were equally qualified in one study.3

Gender blindness seeks to address the confidence gap, which is related to salary, self-confidence, and overall performance. Whether you adopt gender blind ideologies or not, it’s imperative that workplaces encourage diversity, no matter what gender someone is.

Some steps people can take to address this issue include:

  • Educating others on what gender bias is and how it’s an issue can bring to light possible changes. Make sure employees and those in leadership know the definition of what gender bias is and how it can harm people within the workplace. Employers can also leave gender off job application forms and screen applications without looking at gendered markers like names, or purposefully seek out qualified women, trans men, and non-binary individuals to hire
  • xplain the gender pay gap and how minorities are paid less although they complete the same amount of work. It’s imperative that people learn to understand what this means for women and other gender minorities in the workforce. Employers can host trainings teaching their gender minoritized employees how to advocate for themselves concerning raises, promotions, etc.
  • Encourage awareness within the office. If someone sees gender inequality occurring, it needs to be addressed immediately. If harm occurs, it’s best to separately discuss the issue with the employees involved in order to protect the wellbeing of the gender minority while also educating the privileged employee
  • Create an environment where all employees feel supported and free to discuss any issues or concerns they have with leadership. Being cognizant of hierarchy and power imbalances in the workplace, it is also important that employers easily make available people other than leadership from whom employees can seek help if they were discriminated against. For example, employers can have anti-racist, trans friendly, and pro-women individuals as members of their human resources team
  1. Harvard Business Review. Women benefit when they downplay gender. Published July 1, 2018.
  2. University of Northern Colorado. “Love is Gender Blind”: The Lived Experiences of Transgender Couples Who Navigate One Partner’s Gender Transition. Published January 11, 2018.
  3. Moss-Racusin CA, Dovidio JF, Brescoll VL, Graham MJ, Handelsman J. Science faculty’s subtle gender biases favor male students. PNAS. 2012;109(41):16474-16479. doi:10.1073/pnas.1211286109

Complete Article HERE!

How Might Virtual Reality Porn Affect Sex and Relationships?

The brave new world of virtual reality porn has a lot of legitimate draws — but how will it affect sex and relationships with people IRL? Here, experts discuss.

By Jillian Dara

It was only a matter of time before tech entered the bedroom. We’re not talking about the latest sex toys or sex-improving apps — we’re talking about virtual reality porn.

VR porn, the computer-generated simulation of three-dimensional sexual interactions, first entered the market less than five years ago — just as the concept of virtual reality began to take off by way of video games and travel simulation. The year 2016 was a period of “massive growth” for VR porn as new devices came to market, including smartphone connection and virtual reality goggles designed specifically for virtual porn use, says Rene Pour, CEO of VR porn site Reality Lovers. And by 2017, PornHub shared in a report that VR was one of their fastest-growing categories, with VR porn videos being watched 500,000 times each day.

“With advances in VR technology as a whole, the experience of VR porn is quickly changing the landscape of visual erotica from a two-dimensional experience (in which the consumer is more of a voyeur) to one that intimates a much more three-dimensional and immersive experience,” says Kate Balestrieri, Psy.D., a certified sex therapist and founder of Modern Intimacy in Beverly Hills, CA. But is this a good thing? And what might it mean for your ability to connect with other humans in the flesh?

The VR Porn Experience

VR glasses were initially designed to plug into your smartphone or a home device, such as a PlayStation, in order to access content which would then be displayed through the glasses; however, the most modern VR goggles are wireless, stand-alone devices with internet connectivity, thus no additional hardware is required. You can download or stream the content directly, making it even easier to use — and an even higher quality experience, says Pour. The Oculus Quest (Buy It, $399, amazon.com) is the mainstream device currently offering the “best experience yet,” he says.

Reality Lovers is one of the leading companies in virtual reality porn, with others including Naughty America, VR Bangers, VRporn.com, SexLikeReal, and VirtualRealPorn, and some more conventional sites like Pornhub and Redtube offering VR porn channels as well. As with traditional, two-dimensional porn, these VR companies run the gamut when it comes to the quality of experiences; some sites offer free content, and others are based on membership subscriptions. Generally, the more you pay, the higher the production and video quality will be, but in the case of VR, the device you’re viewing it on will impact your experience as well.

“VR headsets are the baseline requirement for viewing VR porn, but some of the most exciting advancements in the technology are actually in sex toys that accompany VR porn,” explains Caitlin V. Neal, M.P.H., resident sexologist for sexual hygiene company Royal. “The majority of these toys are designed for people with penises and are essentially mechanical strokers that can either be synced with the porn you’re watching or with another toy operated by someone else.” Some VR sex toys — for example, those from top retailers Kiiroo, LELO, and Lovense — can connect directly to the goggles via Bluetooth so that what you feel and what you’re watching syncs up, says Pour.

Though technology hasn’t permitted VR porn to relay some of the other sensory elements of a sexual experience (think: smell, taste, or the feeling of actually touching a partner) yet, “the size and proximal distance of virtual partners alone can turn a consumer’s world around,” says Balestrieri. Watching porn on a two-dimensional screen depicts bodies that are not life-sized compared to those in virtual reality. This can excite the brain in different ways and can even stimulate some people to unconsciously engage in sex-emulating body movements since the experience feels so real, says Balestrieri.

“As a viewer, you’re close to the actors like never before,” says Pour. “All POV videos are recorded in the exact eye position of the actor. Through the lenses of the goggle, you can see the situation or the sex partner in the same way as the actor perceives them.”

Interestingly, preliminary research on VR porn found that this first-person perspective is like a golden ticket for inducing arousal in both genders. In a study published in Computers in Human Behavior, the “participant” perspective consistently resulted in greater arousal compared to a voyeuristic view, regardless of whether it was viewed as VR or “traditional” 2D porn.

How VR Porn May Affect Your Relationship with Sex

Everyone has different sexual preferences — both in the bedroom and on the screen — and this stands true relative to VR porn as well. And, like in many porn-related discussions, gender appears to play a role as well; the aforementioned study on VR porn published in Computers in Human Behavior showed that men found VR pornography more arousing than 2D scenes, but this was not the case for women.

“There are many factors that go into how someone views or responds to erotica, and those include everything from their background to their past experiences to their beliefs and more,” says Searah Deysach, sex educator and owner of pleasure shop Early to Bed. “For some, VR porn will enhance their sexual repertoire, either alone or with a partner. For some, it will be a way to feel connected.” For couples looking to spice things up, VR porn could provide “a new method of kink to explore” and for partners who may have a low sex drive, this platform could “give their libido a boost,” says Deysach.

Even if it’s not a user’s intention, VR porn may be useful for developing empathy. “Some folks may be curious about assuming the other person’s POV, which could result in spontaneous empathy development and a reconsideration of previously held beliefs,” says Balestrieri. In fact, The Journal of Sex Research published a study on using VR as “empathy medicine,” and found that “VR pornography seems to be a powerful tool to elicit the illusion of intimate sexual experiences.” The study participants, which included 50 healthy males, reported feeling more desired, flirted with, and connected by way of eye contact during a VR porn experience, as well as more likely to feel close to the actors. Their saliva levels of oxytocin (known as the “bonding” hormone) were related to the perceived eye contact with the actors, meaning this chemical might play a role in the perception of increased intimacy during virtual interactions. VR porn might offer people a way to reap the benefits of human intimacy and connection when it’s not readily available or an option IRL — especially, say, amidst quarantine isolation and the current loneliness epidemic.

VR porn is also emerging as a potential tool for sexual trauma survivors looking to safely explore intimate experiences again. “It offers a survivor the opportunity to develop more sensory awareness of the cues that tell them what they like and what they don’t and the ability to practice stopping when they want (something survivors sometimes struggle with),” says Balestrieri. This falls under the umbrella of exposure therapy, a technique used to treat certain anxiety disorders, including phobias, PTSD, OCD and panic disorders. It’s meant to help “break the pattern of avoidance” by exposing a patient to the thing they fear most, but in a controlled environment, according to the American Psychological Association. (Related: How Sexual Assault Survivors Are Using Fitness As Part of Their Recovery)

On the other end of the spectrum, sex professionals recognize the downsides of VR porn. “It’s a lot like the rest of porn that exists today; some people find their use problematic and issues range from relationship or marital problems to dependence on porn itself,” says Neal.

Dependence can result in pre-mature orgasms, lack of orgasms, distraction during sex, reliance, addiction, and desensitization. “VR porn, because it is new, so completely immersive, and without many in-vivo consequences, may excite a dopaminergic release that keeps someone coming back for more, to the point of detriment,” explains Balestrieri. Meaning, you get a dopamine release from this type of activity and, like anything that releases this feel-good hormone (i.e. sex, exercise, food, social media), it runs the risk of becoming compulsive. Compulsivity could lead to dependency which, ultimately, can affect relationships. “Coupled with the intentional escapism of porn, this medium could result in many people seeing unintended consequences: broken trust in relationships, sexual dysfunction with partners in real life, partner insecurities and distress in relationships,” says Balestrieri. (See: Is Porn Actually Addictive?)

Not to mention, “the kind of sex that happens in a lot of porn is not the kind of sex that is happening in everyone’s bedrooms,” says Deysach. “Porn should not be an excuse to hold your lover (or yourself) to an impossible standard. If it’s a fun, sexy outlet, great, but if it causes stress or disappointment with yourself or your partner, it is time to examine your relationship to porn.” Of course, these expectations aren’t limited to sexual prowess, positions, and even sex noises, but can also extend to the bodies depicted in porn, as well as beauty and grooming standards.

Checking In On Your Porn Use

Whether you or your partner are dipping a toe into VR porn or simply continuing with 2D viewing, Balestrieri affirms the importance of communication. “In any relationship where the use of porn is a secret, it’s likely to wreak havoc on the relationship when it comes to the surface.” That is why Balestrieri encourages partners to not only discuss pornography before viewing but also for you to individually and realistically assess your porn consumption, asking questions such as, “How does my partner feel about it? Do I feel comfortable talking with my partner about it? Why or why not? Am I willing to prioritize my relationship if my partner is not okay with my porn use?

Whether you’re intrigued by the rise in virtual reality porn or this sparks an interest in understanding your relationship with porn in general, it’s worth thinking through. Consider pondering (or even journaling about) some more of Balestrieri’s questions below to fully evaluate how porn use (virtual or otherwise) may affect your relationship with sex.

  • Have I thought about how I might know what constitutes too much porn use, for me?
  • Does my porn use get in the way of any other life tasks or hobbies?
  • Can I still connect to real-life partners sexually? Have I experienced a loss of arousal with partners in real life?
  • Do I feel irritable, sad, or anxious if I go without porn for a week?
  • Do I use porn as a weapon (watch it to get back at my partner)?
  • How would I feel explaining my relationship with porn to my kids when they are older?
  • Do I have any shame after watching porn? Watch it in secrecy?

The Future of Sex Tech and VR Porn

While sex tech might feel inherently riskier or less authentic than coupling up with another human IRL, VR porn can offer more realistic and connected experiences for those who can’t safely partner up, simply don’t have a partner at the moment, or who are in a long-distance relationship (just look at the boom of remote control sex toys!). In the future, imagine the ability to have VR sex with your own partner even when you aren’t physically together, don’t feel up for it, or have other life obstacles getting in the way of getting it on. “I think the demand will trend more toward people having virtual reality sex with each other rather than simulated experiences that are pre-recorded with professionals,” says Pour. Of course, that might bring a whole new set of problems (think: cybersecurity, the ability to virtually cheat but with people you know, etc.), but we’ll have to take that in stride.

As the sex tech space continues to grow, Balestrieri predicts that the influence of technology on an already charged human experience is likely to foster new dimensions of sexuality — VR porn is just the start. And if this all freaks you out, you can take comfort in her reminder: “We are meant to touch each other’s skin. Smell each other’s breath, taste each other’s skin. No technology can replace the real-life imperative of the sexual experience.”

Complete Article HERE!

How BDSM Frameworks Can Teach You to Talk About Sex

by Davey Davis

While they might look the same to the untrained eye, BDSM is the opposite of Fight Club: The first rule of BDSM is that you talk about BDSM. A lot.

One of the many things that annoys me about mainstream depictions of kink is how infrequently you see negotiation—the actual conversation—between kinksters in movies and TV. In the real world of BDSM, communicating about what we want to do, how we’re going to do it, and what our limits are before, during, and after a scene is the norm among experienced players—and should be the norm, period. In most mainstream depictions of the subculture, however, we usually see kink without preamble (and often it seems to play out in a world where consent is murky at best).

While non-negotiated kink and non-consensual harm (otherwise known as assault) do occur in the BDSM community—that’s another essay for another time, my friends—these limited and unrealistic depictions portray BDSM as an inherently dangerous activity and lifestyle. But in BDSM, there’s only one bad fantasy: that responsible play can be self-centered, unintentional, and unaccountable to a greater community. When responsible players put that fear aside, kink can be emotionally and physically sustainable as well as, you know, really fucking hot.

To be clear, I have no interest in whitewashing or defanging BDSM. It’s not a mainstream pastime! But what I do have an interest in is making sure that all players, especially new and inexperienced ones, have the tools they need to play and participate in BDSM—and all sex, more broadly—in ways that are the most responsible.

So what does it mean to be responsible about something that, to the uninitiated, might seem so very irresponsible? In the community, we have three helpful acronyms used as shorthands for talking about just that.

SSC—Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The oldest of these three acronyms, SSC can be traced back to the 1980s, when gay S/M clubs were trying to promote what we now call informed consent, both within their circles and beyond.

In broad terms, “safe” means that the risk of any kink activities should be understood by all participants and either eliminated or reduced as much as possible. “Sane” refers to the need to approach these activities in a commonsense way, with all parties able to discern between fantasy and reality (this could apply to mental state as well as to levels of inebriation and/or mind alteration from substances). “Consensual” means that everyone has freely consented to the activities on the menu and can alert other players if that changes at any point during the scene.

The growing popularity of the leather scene within the broader gay community meant that these organizations—namely Chicago’s Hellfire Club and New York’s Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA)—needed a slogan that communicated their values to other kinksters as well as to a world hostile to their rising profile. According to David Stein, a GMSMA committee member, the club wanted to differentiate themselves from stereotypes of S/M as “harmful, antisocial, predatory behavior.”

RACK—Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Around the turn of the Millennium, a new evolution of SSC was born with RACK. RACK is both in conversation with SSC as well as a challenge to it; “safe” and “sane” are subjective terms that don’t mean the same thing to everyone. “I don’t know about you, but most of the BDSM I participate in would not be considered safe,” writes BDSM educator Daemonumx in her newsletter.

A leather associate of mine, Daemonumx shares with me an interest in play that is risky by any standards, and certainly by vanilla ones. No matter how cautious we are, there are inherent risks to these (very fun) activities. This means that RACK suits our purposes better than SSC does.

We go into a scene having educated ourselves, to the best of our ability, about the risks we and everyone involved are taking on; like participants of skydiving, mountain-climbing, and childbirth, we are taking part in something that can be fun, pleasurable, transcendental, or worthwhile without requiring that it be “safe.”

“‘Risk-aware’ means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them,” writes Gary Switch.

In a subculture in which learning is self-taught or taught via apprenticeship, skill share, or workshop, skill-based knowledge is diffuse and often difficult to access, period. Add that to the natural diversity in “risk profiles” and desires, and one size simply doesn’t suit all. Writes Cross for XCBDSM, “RACK puts the responsibility… on the individual. It empowers each person to define their own risk profile.”

Finally, the “sane” in SSC stigmatizes mental illness—something that us paraphiliacs, with our history of pathologization, could stand to be a little more sensitive towards.

PRICK—Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Which brings us to PRICK, a newer acronym I’ve only seen more of in the last few months. As a player who came up in the time of RACK, at first I was mildly annoyed to discover an acronym that didn’t immediately seem to add anything new to the responsibility framework. But the more I thought about it, the more it began to make sense.

What does PRICK do that RACK doesn’t? It makes a space not only for risk awareness but for personal responsibility regarding the risky choices we make—a useful distinction for a practice that very often exists within an unequal power dynamic. As a masochist, the physical risk I am taking when I submit my body to pain and even damage is much greater than that taken by the sadist wielding it—but the sadist is taking risks too, including the emotional responsibility of potentially harming me, as well as the legal responsibility for that harm should something go awry (not that I would personally involve the authorities, but the possibility of their involvement is one of the unfortunate risks that we take when we play!).

Within the PRICK model, my partners and I go into our scene not only aware of the risks, but with the intention of taking responsibility for our decisions (this does not include consent violations, of course, which are something for which only violators are responsible). There are experiences and even a few kinky relationships that I regret, but where there was consent, I don’t have bitterness or anger. The consent feels empowering, even in retrospect.

The need for acronyms like SSC, RACK, and PRICK conveys the high-maintenance nature of our hardware-heavy lifestyle—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My wish is for this approach to desire to be more normalized in the broader culture, too. While discourse around enthusiastic consent, sex positivity, and #MeToo has attempted to address the need for communication, “vanilla” people, straight or queer, can learn a thing or two about safety, consent, and desire from BDSM frameworks.

Complete Article HERE!

Yes, Sexual Self-Esteem Is A Thing

— How To Boost It

By Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D.

While many people can recognize when they’re struggling with their confidence, people often neglect to consider their feelings around their sexual self.

As humans, we are sexual beings, regardless of how we feel about sex or sexuality. You are a whole person made up of many parts, and your sexual self is an important piece of who you are.

It’s important to integrate your sexual self into your whole self. Yet many people struggle with connecting with this area of themselves because of their low sexual self-esteem.

What is sexual self-esteem?

Your sexual self-esteem refers to:

  • feelings about your body
  • your confidence in your sexual self
  • your feelings of worth and what you contribute or do not contribute during sex
  • how you intimately connect with yourself and others
  • your view of your sexuality

Your sexual self-esteem starts with how you feel about yourself. It’s affected by past and current experiences, and it is an essential part of you as a whole person.

Regardless of how you feel about sex, your sexual self-esteem matters. It’s just as important as your overall self-esteem. Your overall confidence affects every area of your life, and your sexual self-esteem does the same.

Sexual self-esteem can make you feel more connected or disconnected in your relationships. When you lack sexual self-esteem, it affects how you view yourself and how connected you feel to the intimate aspects of your relationship. Not only can it cause problems with sexual disconnection, but it can also negatively affect the emotional connection in a relationship as well.

What affects sexual self-esteem?

Several factors affect how you view your sexual self. Some are within your control, and others aren’t—they’re due to experiences that happen to you.

For example, messages you heard about sex growing up can affect your sexual self-talk. Depending on the environment you grew up in, your family’s view on sex, or other factors, you may have heard some of the following things about sex:

  • Sex is dirty.
  • Sex is private and never to be spoken about.
  • Sex is only between a man and a woman.
  • Don’t have sex before marriage.
  • If you have sex, you’ll get a bad reputation.

Those negative messages can turn into your own internal message. Maybe they’ve become your self-talk about your sexuality or sexual self. Take those plus any things you’ve been told about your performance or actions with sex at any point in your life, and you can end up with plenty of negative things in your inner narrative.

For example, your current or past partner may have told you:

  • That none of their past partners had any complaints about sex with them, so something must be wrong with you
  • That something must be wrong with you because you don’t like or don’t enjoy sex
  • That you’re broken because you never have an orgasm
  • That you want too much from them
  • That your expectations are too high or unrealistic
  • That you want sex too much and they don’t, so something must be wrong with you

Experiences with your current or past partners stick with you, especially the negative ones. These negative narratives become your inner narrative. Your inner critic loves these experiences because it can turn up the volume and remind you of all the things “wrong” with your sexual self.

Even though the person may not be around, their negativity is—because it has turned into your self-talk. Your self-worth or how you value your sexual self plummets to a low, making you feel worse than you did before.

How to improve your sexual self-esteem.

When your sexual self-esteem is not in a good place, how in the heck can you expect to have a pleasurable and fulfilling sexual experience with someone when you feel bad about yourself?

Your sexual self-esteem deserves a boost. If you are focused on personal growth and want to see improvements in your relationships, there’s no time like the present to focus on nurturing your sexual self.

Here are three steps to get started:

1. Scale your sexual self-esteem.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 very low and 10 very high, rank how you view your sexual self at this time. Write down the number you picked and label it as current.

Then think about how you want to feel about your sexual self in the future. Write down the number you want to represent your sexual self-esteem and label it as the future.

2. Reframe your negative self-talk.

Make a list of your thoughts, beliefs, and things you say to yourself about your sexual self—even if some of these came from others, and you’ve since adopted them into your own narrative. Try to identify at least five.

Next, rewrite each of these to be more realistic and forgiving of yourself. For example, if you wrote, “I’m not comfortable with my body during sex,” reframe it with “I want to learn to feel more comfortable in my body during sex.” Go through each item and reframe it, which will help you begin to improve how you see your sexual self.

(Here are some positive self-talk mantras for more inspo.)

3. Identify barriers to your sexual self-esteem.

On a sheet of paper, brainstorm all of the possible thoughts, things, people, experiences, narratives, or anything that keeps you from feeling confident about your sexual self. For example, a past partner may have told you that you’re not good at sex, and you can’t stop this from going through your head.

This self-talk causes you not to feel good about your sexual self. Write out any barrier you can think of. After you’ve listed them out, write one small action you can take to overcome each barrier.

There are many things you can do today to improve your view of your sexual self. Once you know about your sexual self, what affects it, and how you can improve it, you’re ready to take action. You deserve to feel confident, and working on your sexual self is a big step in the right direction.

Complete Article HERE!

Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy for Sexual Health

By

Pelvic floor physical therapy (PT) can be used to treat or help treat a number of sexual health problems. It is also commonly used to treat problems such as urinary or fecal incontinence, particularly when that incontinence occurs after childbirth or prostate surgery. Conditions for which pelvic floor PT can be helpful include:

All of these conditions have one thing in common—they are affected by the function of the pelvic floor.

What Is the Pelvic Floor?

The pelvic floor has several different functions. First, it supports the abdominal organs, such as the bladder, the intestines, and the internal genital organs (i.e. the uterus) inside the pelvis. Second, it resists against the pressure that builds up in the pelvis and abdomen during activities like coughing or lifting. Finally, it is the action of the pelvic floor that allows people to hold their urine and feces until they are ready to use the bathroom. The urethra and rectum pass through holes in the pelvic floor. It is relaxing the muscles of the pelvic floor that allows for urination and defecation. The normal tension in the muscles of the pelvic floor serve as a sphincter to otherwise hold these substances in.

The pelvic floor lies at the base of your pelvis. Often described as being shaped like a funnel or a bowl, it is made up of two muscle groups – the levator ani muscles and the coccygeus, The levatyor ani muscles are the pubococcygeus, the puborectalis, and the iliococcygeus. Each muscle that makes up the pelvic floor contributes to its function. Pelvic floor PT can be helpful if there are problems with one or more of these muscles, something called pelvic floor dysfunction.

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction

Pelvic floor dysfunction simply means that one or more of the muscles of the pelvic floor is not working correctly. This could mean that they are too tense, too loose, or that a person has trouble contracting and releasing them appropriately. It is also possible for the pelvic floor muscles to be damaged by childbirth, medical treatments, or certain types of surgery, such as as prostatectomy.

Pelvic floor dysfunction can be diagnosed through a combination of history taking, physical examination, MRI, and/or ultrasound. It is thought to affect up to a quarter of women in the United States1 . There is less data on prevalence in men. Pelvic floor dysfunction can be treated through a number of means including medication, surgery, and pelvic floor physical therapy. Pelvic floor PT is often a good first-line option, as it has far fewer risks and side effects than other options. That is particularly true for surgical options for pelvic floor repair, which have the potential to have significant sexual and other side effects.2

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Sexual Health

Pelvic floor dysfunction can affect a number of areas of sexual health. These effects can be both direct and indirect. For example, a direct effect of pelvic floor dysfunction could be pain during intercourse. The potential direct sexual effects of pelvic floor dysfunction are numerous, as the pelvic floor muscles affect numerous aspects of sexual function. Muscle contraction plays a role in sexual arousal and orgasm, as well as in penile rigidity

An indirect effect could be stress urinary incontinence leading to a fear of sexual intimacy. Types of sexual health problems associated with pelvic floor dysfunction can also be categorized as either being caused by overactive or under-active muscles. In general, direct effects tend to be caused by too much muscle contraction in the pelvic floor, while indirect effects tend to be caused by too little.

Overactive Muscles

Overactive pelvic floor muscles can cause pelvic pain and pain with sexual activity. In men, this pain may be anywhere from the testicles, to the tip of the penis or the abdomen. In men, overactive pelvic floor muscles can also contribute to:

  • erectile problems
  • premature ejaculation
  • pain after ejaculation

In women, overactive muscles can contribute to:

  • itching or burning of the vulva (the outer portion of the genitalia)
  • pain in the clitoris
  • pain in the vagina

In all individuals, sexual dysfunction caused by overactive pelvic floor muscles may or may not be accompanied by pain.

Under-active Muscles

Under-active pelvic floor muscles increase the risk of conditions such as pelvic organ prolapse and urinary incontinence. Both urinary incontinence and pelvic organ prolapse have been shown to have negative effects on individual’s sex lives. 3 Each condition can affect a person’s self image, and there may also be concerns about pain during sex (with prolapse) or odor (with urinary incontinence.)

It’s worth noting that some people have pelvic floor muscles that are simultaneously over- and under-active. This is a component of some types of pelvic pain syndrome.

Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy

Going for an initial consultation for pelvic floor PT can be an intimidating experience, particularly if you do not know what to expect. The specific experience of working with a pelvic floor physical therapist will depend on why you are seeking help. However, there are several experiences that will be common to most consultations with a pelvic floor PT.

  • History. You will be asked to talk about what brings you to pelvic floor physical therapy. If you come for a particular symptom, you may be asked about potentially related symptoms. As talking about pelvic floor symptoms involves talking about sexuality, urinating, and pooping, this can be very difficult for some people. It may help to write down a list of your concerns in advance. You may also be asked to fill out a questionnaire about pelvic floor symptoms and function. There are several assessment tools that providers use to assess the pelvic floor.
  • Exam. There may be both an external and an internal exam. The external exam may involve having the pelvic floor physical therapist press against different muscles or having you perform actions that might activate those muscles (like coughing.) It may also involve looking at range of motion in surrounding areas. An internal exam may involve the provider putting their fingers in your vagina and/or rectum in order to check the tension in the muscles that surround and support those tissues.
  • Intervention. Physical therapists use a number of different techniques when working on the pelvic floor.

Some common types of pelvic floor PT interventions include:

  • Education about relevant aspects of pelvic anatomy, function, and hygiene
  • exercises designed to teach patients how to contract and relax the muscles of the pelvic floor. “Kegels” are a form of pelvic floor exercise.
  • Breathing exercises to help people relax and improve the efficiency of other exercises
  • Manual therapy, which could include hands-on massage or stretching. For some conditions, manual therapy may involve a provider having fingers inside the vagina or rectum in order to access affected muscles.
  • Biofeedback, which often uses technology to show patients how they are activating their pelvic floor muscles. This could include the use of a probe that is placed in the vagina or muscles and connected to a computer. Images on the computer show the person how their movements are affecting their muscles. They can then use this to learn how to relax and contract specific muscles. Biofeedback can also be performed by a therapist giving verbal feedback about muscle contraction.
  • Electrical stimulation of muscle groups to teach people how to coordinate the movement of those muscles. Percutaneous tibial nerve stimulation is another electrical stimulation technique that uses an electrode placed near the ankle to stimulate the nerves of the bladder. There is also some evidence that it can improve sexual function.4
  • Use of vaginal dilators to help patients learn to relax the muscles of the pelvis. Vaginal dilators may also be used in other circumstances, such as after vaginoplasty or for the treatment of vaginal agenesis.

One of the most important things about any physical therapy is that for it to work, patients need to do the work. That’s why in person physical therapy can sometimes be a better option for patients than being given instructions and asked to do exercises at home. If a doctor or other provider asks you to do pelvic floor exercises, and you think you’re not going to manage on your own, you might benefit from a referral to see a physical therapist.

Does Pelvic Floor PT Work for Sexual Health?

In spring of 2020, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologist released a practice bulletin on pelvic pain, in which they discussed that a combination of pelvic floor physical therapy and sex therapy can be important for individuals experiencing pain during sex.5 This is because, for many people, pain during sex is a reflection of a combination of both neuromuscular and psychosocial factors. The sex therapy helps with the psychosocial factors. The pelvic floor PT helps with the neuromuscular ones.

Special Training for Pelvic Floor Physical Therapists

Pelvic floor PTs are doctoral-level providers. They then must undergo additional, more specialized training to learn how to work with pelvic floor conditions, particularly those that require internal exams or procedures. Some pelvic floor therapists go even further and pursue certification as a Pelvic Rehabilitation Practitioner (PRPC) or a Women’s Health Clinical Specialist (WCS) or to seek a Certificate of Achievement in Pelvic Physical Therapy (CAPP).

It may be helpful to seek out therapists who are either board certified in a pelvic specialty or who are currently pursuing such certification under supervision. Physical therapists and other professionals who are particularly interested in sexual health may also seek training or certification from a specialized organization like the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).

Can People of All Sexes Benefit From Pelvic Floor PT?

Everyone has a pelvic floor. Thus anyone has the possibility of developing pelvic floor dysfunction. This is true no matter what your sex or gender. Depending on the particular pelvic floor PT clinic, therapists may see more individuals of one sex or another. However, issues like stress urinary incontinence are independent of sex. That said, specific risk factors are often sex-related. For example, two relatively common causes of incontinence are trauma from childbirth and prostate cancer surgery and radiation.

Transgender individuals can also benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy. Pelvic floor PT is often recommended for individuals considering a vaginoplasty, both before and after the procedure. Pelvic floor PT prior to surgery can identify and help with concerns related to pelvic floor dysfunction. After surgery, pelvic floor PT can help maintain pelvic floor health. It can also help women who have difficulty with the vaginal dilation that is required after vaginoplasty.6

A Word from Verywell

If you are experiencing sexual or other problems that could be related to pelvic floor dysfunction, talk to your doctor about whether it might make sense for you to explore pelvic floor PT. Pelvic floor PT can be a game-changer for some individuals who experience sexual difficulties such as pain or difficulty with penetration. It can also be a big help for those dealing with issues that can affect their sexual self image, like incontinence.

If you are trying to find a pelvic floor PT, it may take a little calling around. Check with your insurance to see what physical therapy providers are in-network, and then pick up the phone. You will want to ask not just whether or not the office provides pelvic floor PT but also things such as:

  • If any of their therapists are board-certified in pelvic floor PT
  • What, if any, specialized training providers have undergone
  • Whether they have experience treating your specific condition
  • Whether they have experience treating people of your gender

Because of the intimacy of the physical touch involved in pelvic floor PT, it is also reasonable to ask about the gender of potential providers—if that is important to you. Pelvic floor PT doesn’t involve sexual touch. However, for some individuals, clinical touch of sexualized areas of the body may be easier with either a same-gender or different-gender provider.

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How to Get Back in Touch With Your Sexual Side If You Miss It

If you haven’t felt sexy since 2019—same.

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It might seem strange to read a story about how to feel sexier right now. It can seem unimportant considering the pressing concerns we’re all facing. Maybe you’re worried about your health, maybe you’re concerned about clear threats to democracy, or maybe you’re overwhelmed by childcare, work, and other pandemic-related stress. If how to feel sexier is the last thing you’re worried about, it’s understandable.

“We have to normalize that if you haven’t been ‘feeling it’ over the last few months, you’re normal,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., author of What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex, tells SELF.

In fact, when facing stressful or traumatic situations, it’s natural to “go back and forth between feeling disconnected as a coping strategy,” psychologist Liz Powell, Ph.D., author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. “It can be hard to reconnect with our body because our brain is trying to keep us from feeling fear, dread, and horror.”

So no one blames you if sexiness isn’t top of mind right now (or ever—that’s perfectly valid too). But if it’s a core part of yourself that you’ve been missing or craving, tapping into that feeling can come with benefits. Yes, feeling sexier is helpful if you’d like to have sex or just be more in touch with that part of yourself, but if you’ve spent the last few months as a disembodied ball of anxiety, finding ways to embrace sensuality and sexiness might also remind you of a time before the pandemic. You could end up feeling a little more secure in your own body. It could serve as an excellent distraction from the stresses of life, and if you’re exploring sex with a partner, it could also help you feel closer to each other as a big bonus. Below, you’ll find a few tips from sex therapists to help you feel a bit sexier—if you want—right now.

1. Gauge your baseline sexual energy pre-pandemic.

Before you stress about whether or not you’ve lost your “spark,” try to remember what your sex drive and sensuality were like before, er, all of this. Often we talk about these feelings as if strong sexual desire is a default way of experiencing the world (it’s not). But before you fret too much about even your pre-pandemic sex drive not being “high enough,” try to remember that sexiness and sexuality are multifaceted, and ask yourself what you think might have contributed to feeling less sexual than you would like in the past. Maybe you’ll realize some of those factors have actually changed for the better, like if your sex drive felt “too low” before the pandemic because you were dealing with health issues or relationship challenges that aren’t a problem anymore. If your drive was sort of faint or nonexistent before, be gentle with yourself as you explore. For instance, you might read some books to help you embrace your sexuality, you might consider getting a new sex toy, or if you’re in a relationship, you could try talking to your partner about what you’re feeling. Understanding what feels “normal” for you can help you set reasonable expectations for what “feeling sexy” may look like for you in 2021 and beyond.

2. Carve out time to prioritize pleasure—and remember that it’s important for resilience.

It can be easy, with all of the obligations you’re facing, to talk yourself out of any sexual desires that might be cropping up. In fact, given the Capitol riot, ongoing pandemic, police brutality, and more, it can feel downright silly or even selfish. But it’s not. “You cannot get through the long-term effort that change requires without having times you make for pleasure and enjoyment,” Dr. Powell explains, adding that you should schedule “protected time for self-pleasure” and make it as important as work and social obligations.

3. Recognize that your body has probably changed.

Just as it’s important not to romanticize who you were before the pandemic, remember to acknowledge that a lot has changed over the last few months—and that this impacts your mind and your body. “We are not in the world we were in a year ago,” Dr. Powell says. “That means that the way your body experiences pleasure and the way that your body functions may be different right now.” If, for instance, you’ve found yourself glued to your social media feeds and news (so, most of us), it could be having an impact on your mind and body. Experiencing chronic stress—which involves fight or flight hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—can have a major impact on your libido. So if your tried-and-true ways of tuning into that side of yourself are less effective, Dr. Powell suggests you ask yourself what you need, like, “Do I have to turn off the news and get off Twitter so that my brain can calm down?” It might not directly result in you feeling sexier, but it could help minimize stress so that you can reconnect to your body.

4. Then, adopt an experimental attitude.

To do this, you can revisit things you’ve ruled out or just never considered, and let your curiosity inspire new ideas. Dr. Powell suggests asking yourself questions like, “Does it help me to watch something really steamy? Does it help me to read some erotica? Does it help me to watch some porn or take a long bubble bath?” Trying new things and creating full-blown rituals—like turning off your phone notifications, lighting a candle, and watching a really sexy movie on Netflix—might help you feel a little sexier. You can absolutely experiment on your own, but if you have a partner who is ready and willing to help you get more in touch with your sexual side, you can include them in your experimentation. If necessary, work on moving away from the idea of sex only being one particular act, Dr. Buehler says, adding that you and your partner can find ways to be sensual and affection without feeling pressure to have “full-on” sex.

5. Consider playing around with your decor.

Stay with us here! It might be hard to find ways to feel sensual when you’re spending a lot of time in your house, Dr. Buehler says. “I think that’s part of our sexuality—getting out in the world, having adventures.” Clearly, the pandemic has pressed pause on many people’s ability to safely embark upon various kinds of adventures. But you might be able to bring items into your house that excite your senses a little. If reaching for a scented candle feels like advice you’ve heard before, consider a pillow spray, new perfume, or a fragrant floral arrangement. Dr. Buehler also suggests looking at your environment and making changes like rearranging furniture (maybe that means putting your bed closer to the window so you can feel the sun even if you’re stuck inside, or removing your TV from your bedroom). You might also upgrade your bedding to a softer fabric that feels great on your skin, or you could bring in a plant—somewhere that you see it often—to spruce up your environment.

6. Wear your sexiest pre-pandemic outfit (yup, just to lounge at home).

Much the way tweaking your decor might encourage you to feel a bit sexier, dressing up can help. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to walk around in lingerie (unless you want to). Instead, you might slip on that really cute dress that makes you feel like Rihanna, even if you’re just wearing it at home. It’s not about dressing for a specific occasion. It’s about wearing something that makes you feel good. “I think it’s a good idea to look in your closet and pull something out that you feel good in, even if you feel a little silly,” Dr. Buehler says. If your go-to outfit doesn’t work that same magic—maybe it doesn’t fit like it used to or simply doesn’t make you feel hot—it might be a good time to treat yourself to a new outfit if you have the money.

7. Try yoga or other forms of exercise.

If you’re not feeling particularly sexy at the moment, Dr. Buehler suggests physical practices, like yoga or deep breathing. “It doesn’t have to be a Vinyasa yoga routine, but just doing some breathing exercises, slow movements, or connecting with your body and reminding yourself that you can feel at home in the body can help,” Dr. Buehler says. Additionally, moderate exercise, like jogging or your favorite cardio workout, might help in a lot of ways, including boosting your mood and maybe encouraging your libido, the Mayo Clinic says.

8. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your sex life.

To be fair, not feeling as in touch with your sexual side as you like may not top your list of mental health concerns. But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore it if it’s bothering you. If you feel like losing your sexual identity or having a low sex drive is part of a larger issue, or you’re experiencing this along with feelings like grief, sadness, rage, or despair, you might need some support from a health professional. Even if you think that not feeling sexy is NBD, given all of the “other things” to fret over, you might find that talking through your concerns with your primary care provider or a mental health professional has an impact on how you feel overall. And you can work directly with a sex therapist to explore some of your feelings, if possible. “Don’t feel any trepidation or shame,” Dr. Buehler says. “Sometimes just a few sessions can be really helpful.”

Complete Article HERE!