Here’s how.

By Kellie Scott

Many people with a penis see an erection as an important part of giving and receiving pleasure.

That puts a lot of pressure on sexual encounters, given 40 per cent of Aussie men will experience erectile dysfunction.

“People typically overlook the fact that a person’s erection waxes and wanes throughout the sexual encounter, meaning they may lose their erection, or partially lose it and then regain it,” explains Matt Tilley, a clinical psychologist and lecturer in sexology at Curtin University.

“Sometimes the person can become fixated on the loss of erection further preventing them regaining their erection.”

The reality is, you don’t need a hard penis to experience or give pleasure.

“A person with a penis doesn’t require a full erection to have a pleasurable sexual encounter. They can still experience high levels of stimulation and pleasure without an erection,” Mr Tilley says.

“For many people, this is extremely satisfying.”

So what can sex without an erection look like? We spoke with Mr Tilley and Dr Chris Fox, a senior lecturer in sexology at the University of Sydney, to bust a few common myths.

Erectile dysfunction briefly explained

The common causes of erectile dysfunction (ED) occur within two domains: physiological and psychological, says Mr Tilley.

While the risk of ED increases with age, anyone with a penis can experience it.

For physiological causes, the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners says ED shares common risk factors with metabolic disorders, cardiovascular disease and prostate surgery, for example.

Other factors can include smoking, medications and pelvic trauma.

“This is a key reason why anyone with erectile difficulties should consult their GP,” Mr Tilley says.

Psychological causes may include stress, relationship issues, depression and anxiety.

“Psychogenic causes are multifaceted and are likely to result from a complex interplay between beliefs and attitudes, and disrupted thoughts about experiences and sexual performance,” Mr Tilley says.

While you may wish to see your GP, sex therapist or other medical professionals to address ED, experiencing it doesn’t mean you can’t have good sex.

Arousal, orgasm and ejaculation

Arousal is more than just a physiological experience, explains Dr Fox.

“An erection simply means a man has an erection; you can have one for many reasons other than being sexually aroused.”

A person with a penis can feel turned on without an erection, and even orgasm and ejaculate.

Mr Tilley says the person will need to feel highly stimulated and aroused and have the motivation to achieve one or both.

“It’s important to distinguish the difference between orgasm and ejaculation.

“We can think of ejaculation as the expulsion of semen from the penis, whereas an orgasm may entail this but is also best thought of as a mixture of physiological and psychological responses.”

He says things that we typically associate with orgasm are euphoria and a heightened state of intense pleasure.

A holistic and explorative sexual experience

Broadening your definition of sex will help increase your ability to experience pleasure without an erection.

Mr Tilley recommends thinking about the holistic sexual experience.

“A sense of togetherness and intimacy is usually an extremely rewarding experience irrespective of the presence of an erection.”

Dr Fox says challenging the social myths around what enjoyable sex looks like forces us to try new things.

“There is more to sexuality than just than 6 inches! With the exception of penile penetration, everything we do with an erect penis we can do with a flaccid penis.”

Dr Fox encourages his clients to explore soft-penis play.

“If there is no chance of erection, it’s about playing with a flaccid penis using lubrication, and also exploring the genitals and body as a whole.

“Even the perineum and anus, the nipples and other erogenous zones around the body.”

Mr Tilley says kissing, caressing, genital play and oral stimulation can all be experienced as pleasurable whether there is an erection or not.

In relation to partnered sex, Dr Fox stresses it is something for both parties to work on together.

“The partner may not be the cause, but they may be part of the solution.”

Communication, exploration and a light-hearted approach can all help you experience pleasure together.

“Remember to have fun. Explore. The skin is the largest organ and the mind the most powerful organ,” Dr Fox says.

“Let’s use these more in sex play and enjoy our bodies and not just the penis.”

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