Relationship anxiety reportedly affects 1 in 5 people, but is it normal?
Relationships with others are essential to our physical and mental wellbeing. They can be a source of great pleasure and support for some, however for others, they can trigger feelings of anxiety and cause a great deal of distress.
What is relationship anxiety?
Relationship anxiety or relationship-based anxiety, refers to anxiety that arises in intimate relationships. It is not a recognised, diagnosable condition and as such there are no guidelines for how to treat it, however it is a reportedly common problem predicted to affect approximately 1 in 5 people.
There are many reasons why someone might feel anxious about their relationships. They might fear being abandoned or rejected or worry that their feelings are not reciprocated. Some may worry that their partner will be unfaithful or that the relationship will not last. Others may have fears about being sexually intimate with a partner or committing to another person and missing out on other options in life.
Relationship anxiety is a reportedly common problem predicted to affect approximately 1 in 5 people.
Anxiety and dating
Feelings of anxiety are especially common at the beginning of a relationship or when dating. Before the relationship is fully established, uncertainty around how the other person feels or the status of the relationship, can be difficult to tolerate. Many people fear judgement or rejection from others to such an extent that the resulting anxiety effects dating performance e.g. feeling so self-conscious that it is hard to make eye contact or maintain a conversation. This fear can be so great in some people that, despite wanting to be in a relationship, they avoid dating altogether.
Anxiety and sex
Anxiety can affect both the sex life and physical intimacy of a relationship. Anxiety can effect our libido or sex drive for a number of reasons and it can also make having sex difficult, or impossible, on a physical level. This can cause further anxiety and create a negative cycle. The worrying thoughts and tension we experience when feeling anxious can make it hard to relax enough to be able to enjoy sex or be present enough to be physically intimate with another person. Sex-related fears e.g. fears over appearance, performance or being vulnerable with another person can also make having sex and connecting physically very difficult for some people, and lead to it’s complete avoidance for others.
Why we feel anxious in relationships
The tendency to feel anxious about relationships is often a result of the attachment patterns we experienced with our parents or caregivers when we were young. These influence how we understand our needs and go about getting them met. If we experienced anxious-type attachment patterns, we are more likely to experience higher levels of relationship anxiety.
Low self-esteem and a long-standing negative view of yourself can also contribute to feelings of anxiety in a relationship. If you have beliefs that you are not good enough or don’t have as much to offer in a relationship as other people then you will likely think that this is what your partner thinks about you as well.
Low self-esteem and a long-standing negative view of yourself can contribute to feelings of anxiety in a relationship.
Previous romantic relationships will also effect how we view our present ones. When we form relationships, we place a great deal of trust in someone else which can lead us to feel exposed and vulnerable. If a past partner was unfaithful, ended the relationship suddenly or was dishonest then you may grow to expect this from future partners.
The relationship itself can also cause you to feel anxious. It would be natural to experience anxiety if your partner was secretive, critical, controlling or abusive. If your partner is threatening or abusive, details of organisations that can support you can be found at the bottom of the page.
Signs of relationship anxiety
It is normal for most people to experience some level of unease or worry about their relationship at times, however for others this is more intense and enduring. The following are signs that you may be experiencing relationship anxiety:
- You frequently worry about what you mean to your partner, what your partner is doing when you are not around and whether your relationship will work out.
- You worry that your partners feelings for you have changed if you haven’t heard from them in a while.
- You blow situations out of proportion, easily feeling hurt or angry at minor issues.
- You don’t trust your partner and are hyper vigilant for signs that they have been unfaithful, dishonest or will leave you.
- You experience frequent symptoms of anxiety when thinking about your relationship e.g. tension, sweatiness, difficulty concentrating.
- You frequently check up on your partner e.g. checking their emails or text messages to try and find out what they have been up to.
- You frequently ask your partner for reassurance about their feelings towards you.
- You go out of your way to please your partner, at the expense of your own needs.
- You don’t express your feelings or opinions and don’t feel like you are able to be yourself when you’re with your partner.
- You make critical comments to your partner or are demanding and controlling.
- You are aloof, distant or guarded with your partner, withholding parts of yourself from them.
- You are clingy and always want to be around your partner.
- You are reluctant to be in a serious relationship or commit to your partner fully as you are scared that it won’t work out and that you will be hurt, disappointed or betrayed.
- You test your partner’s feelings for you e.g. by pushing them away to see how much they will fight for you (which is then taken as a sign of their feelings).
- You sabotage the relationship e.g. secretly meeting up with an ‘ex’ in an attempt to feel more in control.
How relationship anxiety affects you and your relationship
If relationship anxiety is not remedied, you might find that your anxious thoughts become more and more frequent. This can cause further anxiety, feelings of hopelessness and depression in the long run. Relationship anxiety may impact on your partner and relationship as well. It can result in you keeping your partner at arms length or even ending the relationship altogether. It can also be played out through being confrontational and controlling or passive and needy. Our behaviours impact on how others feel and therefore respond to us. In some cases, relationship anxiety can create a self-fulfilling prophecy whereby the behaviours that you display as a result of your fears, themselves cause the negative outcome that you feared.
If anxiety about your relationship becomes excessive, impacts on your relationship or affects your quality of life then it might be time to do something about it.
Tips for overcoming relationship anxiety
1. Manage the way you think
Recognising the thoughts you have that are causing your anxiety is important. This may be negative thoughts that you have about yourself and your worth or a tendency to “mind read” or make assumptions about what others are thinking. Make sure that the perspective you have is based on the ‘facts’ or reality of the situation rather than interpretations you have made based on habitual thinking patterns and past experiences.
Relationship anxiety is often the result of excessive worrying. We tend to worry in response to situations where the outcome is uncertain. In order to give us a sense of control, the mind focuses on the potential negative outcomes that ‘could’ happen. Mindfulness practices can help us to recognise this tendency of the mind. By noticing our thoughts and feelings with an attitude of curiosity and acceptance, we can watch them come and go whilst giving up any attempts to prepare for, or control, what happens in the future. This allows us to experience life without getting caught up in past stories of pain, or imagined future worries.
A short course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) can help you to develop a more balanced perspective of yourself, improve your self-esteem and learn how to view your relationship more realistically which, in turn, will help you manage how you feel.
2. Manage the things you do
The things that we do also effects the anxiety that we feel. When you feel anxious, you may feel compelled to seek reassurance or check up on your partner. Whilst this may help you feel better temporarily, in the long-run it will keep you feeling anxious and may even effect your relationship. Managing the negative thoughts that you have that are creating your anxiety, whilst avoiding acting out of anxiety, will lead to longer-lasting and positive change.
Clearly communicating with your partner can also help you to manage relationship anxiety and strengthen your relationship, as it will give you the both the opportunity to express how you feel and what you need from each other. It might be tempting to avoid talking about difficult issues, however these generally don’t tend to disappear, and can cause resentments to build up.
Some people who experience relationship anxiety can get so caught up in their anxious thoughts that other areas of life get forgotten. Make sure that you schedule time, each day, to do the things that you need to do to feel good about yourself. Continuing with your own hobbies and interests, maintaining other relationships and doing the things that are important to you will help you feel good about yourself and better able to manage feelings of anxiety.
3. Manage physical symptoms of anxiety
General anxiety management techniques can also help you to feel more balanced and calm which, in turn, will help you to think more clearly and positively. Taking regular time out to relax and exercise, getting enough sleep, listening to relaxation exercises or guided meditations, practising yoga, keeping a journal and eating regular, balanced meals can all help the body and mind to feel calmer.
Links to further support:
If you are feeling overwhelmed by anxiety and finding it hard to cope with this on your own, a short course of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) can help you to understand the origins of your anxiety and make the changes you need to overcome it, once and for all. Your GP will be able to refer you to a local therapy service or you can find details of private therapists near you here.
If your anxiety is impacting on your relationship, relationship therapy with your partner may help. You can find more information about relationship therapy here.
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