The good, the bad, and the irritating.
By Anna Borges
It doesn’t take a scientist to know that the coronavirus crisis is rife with stressors and challenges that would shake up even the healthiest of relationships. Maybe the pandemic is acting as a pressure cooker for relationship problems you already had or maybe it’s serving as a playing field for new, unexpected discoveries. Hell, maybe the pandemic has even been good for your relationship and it’s kind of throwing you for a loop. Whatever it is, you might be wondering if your experience is normal. And while “normal” is pretty dang subjective, there’s a good chance you’re not the only one navigating new feelings about a relationship, positive or negative.
To help normalize the various ways the pandemic might be impacting your romantic relationships right now, I asked both therapists and everyday people to share what’s coming up in their sessions and their personal relationships too. If you can relate, you’re definitely not alone. (Some responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.)
1. You’re struggling more intensely with relationship problems.
You probably didn’t expect your problems to magically disappear because of the pandemic, but that doesn’t mean it’s not difficult to continue to struggle with them now. “When we go through a major crisis, it tends to highlight the things that couples have already been struggling with,” sex and relationships therapist Emily Jamea, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., L.P.C., tells SELF. “So couples who were already having some issues might see these things come to a head, whether it was a big issue like trying to recover from infidelity [or] smaller issues like arguing about finances or childcare.”
2. You’re anxious about fast-tracking your relationship.
When social distancing measures became stricter, many couples who didn’t live together were faced with the decision: Stay apart for an undefined amount of time or buckle down together. For those who chose to shack up, it’s natural to feel a lot of uncertainty, regardless of how things are going.
“My partner moved in with me at the end of March and it’s been going well,” Leigh M., 27, tells SELF. “But without the pandemic, I think we wouldn’t have moved in together for at least another year. It’s weird to think about and I’m worried that not being able to take this step intentionally instead of out of necessity will catch up with me.”
Speaking of moving in together, if you took the plunge because of the pandemic and are grappling with the decision, don’t be too hard on yourself. Relationship therapist Kiaundra Jackson, L.M.F.T., tells SELF that she’s seeing a few couples who are struggling with the pandemic move-in. “They came to me and they were embarrassed because things were rocky and they needed help already, but it’s okay,” she says. “This is an unprecedented time and it calls for different measures.”
3. You’re fighting more than ever.
There’s no understating how difficult things are right now, so plenty of couples who rarely fought before—or at least who considered themselves good at fighting constructively—are dealing with an expected surge of quarreling. “We slept in separate rooms for the first time in 10 years of marriage,” J.R., 39, tells SELF. “We both fought, both cried, and I was already panicking about divorce in the middle of a pandemic.”
Jamea notes that “divorce” is getting tossed around a lot in sessions with her clients too, but she cautions against making any major decisions amid the crisis, especially if this is the first time it’s coming up. “We don’t tend to think very clearly when our nervous systems are in overdrive and our anxiety is through the roof,” she says.
4. You’re handling being apart just fine (and you’re maybe kind of worried about it).
If you weren’t already living together and decided not to cohabitate through the pandemic, struggles around a newly “long-distance” relationship might seem pretty straightforward. You expect to miss each other, to fumble through virtual dates, and to work on stepping up your communication game. But those aren’t the only feelings coming up right now.
“It’s going on two months and I really have no idea where my relationship stands,” Rachel S., 31, tells SELF, adding that her friends in the same situation are really vocal about missing their partners while she’s more “eh.” “I like to think that this is a sign of a healthy relationship and secure attachment styles and what have you, but I also feel like maybe I should be missing him more,” she says. “I guess we’ll see.”
5. You’re feeling more appreciative of your partner than ever.
This list isn’t all doom and gloom, I promise. A pleasant side effect of the pandemic might just be that your appreciation for each other—and the work you put into your home, family, relationship, or career—has gone through the roof.
“Couples are taking a step back and looking at this, saying, ‘Wow, I never realized how much my partner was doing at home’ or ‘I can’t believe my partner is handling this with so much grace and flexibility’ or ‘My partner is so strong for showing up as an essential worker,’” says Jamea. And if you haven’t started noticing these things and taking the time to express appreciation, now is an excellent time to start.
6. You’re craving alone time.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but: No matter how much you love someone and enjoy spending time with them, OF COURSE YOU NEED ALONE TIME. Like a lot of experiences on this list, it’s not so much the feeling that’s notable as it is the inexplicable guilt that comes with the feeling.
So if you’re questioning whether it says something about you or your relationship that you’re not thrilled to suddenly be spending 24/7 together—especially with the stressors and pressures of a global pandemic—don’t worry. Space from a partner is healthy, says Jamea, and it makes sense you’d be feeling restless or irritable without that.
7. You’re thinking about your ex.
Nope, this isn’t a pandemic phenomenon limited to the singles out there. “I had a dark night where my husband had been getting on my nerves all week and all I could think was how my ex would be acting differently,” Lauren T., 29, tells SELF. “Which wasn’t true at all. Once I was done being emotional, I knew I was romanticizing him. That relationship sucked, but in the moment it was like, ‘My ex never chewed with his mouth open’ or ‘My ex wouldn’t make me put the kids to bed every night.’”
You might not even be comparing your ex to your current partner. “My boyfriend is a doctor so I spend a lot of time on my own and for some reason, I’ve been stalking my ex on Instagram out of boredom,” Hannah L., 35, tells SELF. “It’s not like I miss him. Quarantine makes us do wacky things, I guess.”
8. You’re feeling grateful—and guilty—to even have a relationship.
In a time when there’s a lot of suffering going on, it’s natural to think about the privileges we have—whether that’s still having a job, good health, or yep, a relationship to help get you through this. “I think a lot of people are aware of the fact that there’s a huge percentage of people who are truly alone during quarantine,” says Jamea. “So they’re feeling very lucky and don’t want to rub it in their single friends’ faces.”
9. Or you’re annoyed at the assumptions people make about how “lucky” you are to be in a relationship.
Of course, there’s a flip side to this. “People can easily perceive, ‘Oh, that person is so lucky,’” says Jamea. “They think, ‘They’ve got a partner to keep them company, they don’t have to deal with loneliness, they can entertain each other,’ without really realizing that a relationship brings its own set of issues and dilemmas.”
If you’re dealing with any of the negative emotions on this list, it can obviously be frustrating to have people diminish your experience and assume you’ve got it easy compared to them. “I feel for my single friends, but they don’t get it,” says Lauren. “I don’t want to whine about my struggles because I know they think being married right now automatically makes things better. But I’m jealous of my friends who live alone for this. The grass is always greener.”
10. You’re mourning the temporary nature of the situation.
As a reminder, feeling grateful for the positive aspects of our new normal doesn’t mean you’re grateful the pandemic happened in the first place, so there’s nothing wrong with enjoying the extra time you have to spend with your partner.
“A lot of couples who live their lives like two ships passing in the night and are so busy between their jobs or their commute or their kids haven’t gotten this kind of quality time together for a long time,” says Jamea. “I’ve heard from a lot of people that a weird part of them doesn’t want this to end and they’re already feeling sad that this isn’t permanent.”
11. You’re slacking on the couple stuff, tbh.
It might be easy to beat yourself up if you’re not “taking advantage” of sheltering in place to cook together more, have cute date nights, catch up on your sex life, or whatever you once told yourselves you’d do together when you had “more time.” But these are not exactly easy times to be on top of your couple game, whether you live apart or are isolated together but too busy dealing with the stresses of the pandemic.
“We are having a harder time being intentional with each other because there is no separation of when we are spending time together or when we are in the same room with each other,” Sam S., 26, tells SELF. “I feel like we don’t have a chance to miss each other. We used to go on hikes on Sundays and so now, it feels harder to find our replacement quarantine activity.”
12. You’re pausing future planning.
With so much uncertainty, most of us are living in a suspended present, making it feel impossible to figure out what next week will look like, let alone next year. “We have been talking about engagement and marriage and that conversation feels like it’s on hold since we don’t know when we will be able to plan a wedding,” says Sam.
13. You’re exasperated by the differences in how you and your partner are handling the pandemic.
Maybe your partner has started wanting to loosen up on social distancing now that the weather is getting better or maybe you wish they’d just stop scrolling through the news in bed. Whatever it is, you wouldn’t be the only one questioning a loved one’s judgment because of their pandemic choices.
“Some people feel their partner is putting them at risk, others think their partner is being too uptight and preventing them from enjoying life,” says Jamea. “These tensions are putting huge tolls on relationships because people feel like they’re seeing a new side of their partner.”
14. You’re dealing with various partnerships getting thrown out of whack.
On top of the other stuff on this list, non-monogamous or polyamorous couples face plenty of unique pandemic challenges, too. It’s important to recognize that it’s okay to be struggling with boundaries, communication, jealousy, or other challenges that can be particularly likely in non-monogamous relationships.
“I’m quarantined with my primary partner in a studio apartment, so maintaining my relationship with my girlfriend who lives elsewhere has been awkward,” Wendy X., 26, tells SELF. “Normally we’d go out together or meet at her place, and I don’t want to make my partner sit through my FaceTime dates. So for now, we mostly text and talk on G-Chat, and video call when my partner is in the shower or at the store.”
15. You’re pretty sure you’re going to break up when this is over, but you’re sticking it out.
Whether your relationship was already doomed before the pandemic or the pandemic is showing you things about your partner and relationship that you can’t unsee, now is a sucky time to go through a breakup. So some people are just…postponing it until later because they’d rather not deal with it now.
“What I’m seeing is that people are trying to coexist and cohabitate the best they can,” says Jackson. “They might know that more than likely, they’re not going to be with this person long term, but breaking up would cause even more stress right now, so they’re waiting it out.”
16. Or you’re closer than ever.
“A particular unexpected side effect has been the way I have uncorked my personality,” Alyssa D., 31, tells SELF. “I was sure there was nothing left to hide, but it turns out that my alone time is usually when I get out most of my Silly Alyssa energy.” Now that Alyssa doesn’t really have any alone time, her husband has a front-row seat to some of the “weirdo energy” he normally doesn’t see from her. “It’s kind of nice that even after 10 years together, I can be pleasantly surprised by how I relate to him,” she says.
17. You’re learning how to be a better partner.
Regardless of what personal struggles the pandemic poses for you and your relationships—and where you will stand on the other side of this—both Jamea and Jackson point out that this is a unique opportunity to learn about ourselves, our relationships, and how we handle crisis. “I do think that there is a little bit of a silver lining there if couples are able to look at it that way,” says Jamea.
Pay attention to what’s coming up for you and your partner. You don’t have to automatically act on what you notice, but there’s probably some useful information buried in your feelings, reactions, and experiences to all this. “This situation has really brought to the forefront the importance of healthy self-esteem, how our childhood and past relationships have brought us to this point, and the responsibility we have to work our own shit first instead of expecting others to magically know how to make us feel better,” says J.R. “Knowing why we do what we do has been fundamental to understanding how we can work on issues to improve them.”
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