Sex in 2019

Your guide to safety

By Dr. Lisa Lanning

Older adults live longer now than in previous generations. In 2019, retired adults might have 20 or 30 years of life ahead and might find they have a lot more free time and freedom than they did when younger.

In your case, perhaps you have lost a spouse or a previous relationship has ended. Perhaps you haven’t dated in a long time, but now you’ve met someone new and are considering becoming physically intimate with that person.

What should you know to keep your own health in great shape and reduce the risk of serious sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?

Use it or lose it: Health benefits of an active sex life

Many older adults crave the physical and emotional closeness of having a regular sexual partner. As we age, it’s common to lose partners to disease, death and divorce, and many older adults grieve the loss of their previously active sex lives.

It is understandable that when one loses a partner, he or she would still desire to express their sexual feelings, and it’s entirely natural to seek a new partner.

Most adults in our culture recognize that sex is an effective way to reduce stress and improve overall well-being. Baby Boomers – those born between 1946 and 1965 – reached maturity during the 1960s-1980s, a much more sexually liberated period than the formative years experienced by their parents and grandparents.

Many vibrant older adults equate better health with better (and more) sex and expect to have sex well into their golden years.

A 2007 New England Journal of Medicine survey of 3005 seniors’ sexual activity found that:

Three-fourths of seniors ages 57-64 were sexually active.
More than half of ages 65-74 were active.
More than one-fourth of those 75-85 years old remained sexually active.

So how do we navigate finding a new, healthy and safe partner later in life?

Older is not (necessarily) wiser

Although older adults are having more sex and with more partners, they are not necessarily protecting themselves from infections. The advent of drugs designed to treat erectile dysfunction and other performance-based sexual disorders has increased the opportunity to participate in sexual activity while also increased exposure for men and women to STIs.

Studies show that many older adults do not use condoms, and physiologic changes in the aging body (such as vaginal dryness and thinner vaginal tissue) increase the likelihood of injury and tear from sexual intercourse and other sex play. This can increase the risk of receiving and transmitting an STI. Men who have sex with men and women who have sex with women are also at risk of STIs and need to be aware of how to protect themselves and their partners while enjoying their sex life fully throughout their life span.

What’s the risk?

Something we don’t often discuss is that part of the natural aging process is a less robust immune system. Older adults are often prescribed medications that also suppress the immune system including many arthritis medications and other medicines for chronic conditions.

Seniors are also more likely to have diabetes, heart disease and chronic kidney disease which increases the chance of picking up an infection.

Between 2007 and 2014, diagnosed cases of syphilis increased 52 percent among older adults, cases of chlamydia increased 32 percent and new diagnoses of HIV also increased according to a global STI study on emerging challenges to senior health.

That same report found that between 2007 and 2014, 24 percent of HIV-positive persons were more than 50 years old, and more than 15 percent of new HIV/AIDS diagnoses were among adults over 50. It’s also notable that, according to an American Journal of Public Health article, the risk of STIs is higher among recently widowed men than for women ages 67-99.

It’s time to be smart. We can no longer follow “Don’t ask, don’t tell” when being sexually active as older adults. Ignorance is truly dangerous and can be lethal.

If you are concerned that you might have been exposed to an STI, please bring it up with your primary care provider. We aren’t very good mind readers, and while we SHOULD ask about your sexual health, studies show we don’t ask nearly as often as we should, and patients don’t bring it up either.

How can you decrease your risk of contracting an STI?

Condoms help – both the everyday male condom and the less well-known female condom. These barriers reduce exposure to potentially infectious body fluids and protect the delicate older tissues. Lubricants help reduce trauma to sexual organs by decreasing friction and thus tears and other injuries that can increase the likelihood of developing an infection after sex.

It’s also important to simply TALK ABOUT IT! Although these can be uncomfortable conversations, it’s critical that older adults embarking on sexual relationships have “the talk” with their partners.

Here are a few key points:

  1. Be nonjudgmental and approachable. Just ask: How is your sexual health? Let’s face it – you’re preparing to share something extremely intimate and satisfying together – it will be better if you can discuss your past experiences openly. Feel free to ask about past infections or other sexual health concerns and how you plan to manage the risk of future infections.
  2. Go get tested together. See your family doctor, internist, OB/GYN, PA or NP. Ask for advice. A little-known fact is that Medicare covers screenings for STIs, although less than 5 percent of seniors take advantage of this benefit.
  3. Laugh about it. Share freely with your partner what you do and don’t like. Don’t compromise your values. If you are both open to new experiences and trying something you haven’t tried before, go for it!
  4. Learn about sex! We are never too old to learn something we didn’t know yesterday. The internet is a fantastic resource, although it can be overwhelming. A particularly excellent website is the American Sexual Health Association, ashasexualhealth.org.
  5. Lastly, check out this entertaining and educational rap video by family doctor Shannon Dowler, “STDs Never Get Old”  You can share it with your partner to help you start a conversation.

Complete Article HERE!

Talking About Where Babies Come From is Not the Same as Talking About Sex

Here’s how to answer kid’s reproduction questions to raise children who are allies and respect diversity.

By Amber Leventry

My oldest child is 8 and my twins are 6; my two daughters have golden, blonde hair almost the same shade as mine. When they were 5 and 3 we were picking up a pizza when a customer behind us commented that my girls were so lucky to have inherited the same gorgeous hair color as me. This was not the first time someone had said this, and I respond the same way each time:

“Thank you for the compliment, but they didn’t get their hair color from me. I am their non-biological mom. Their sperm donor is blonde. He’s got great genes, huh?”

The reactions of people who learn this information for the first time range from embarrassment to gleeful curiosity. My kids have two moms, an anonymous sperm donor, and donor siblings who live in another state. I am always happy and comfortable talking about this and so are my kids. Yet, many parents are quick to tell stories of what they consider to be uncomfortable conversations with their kids when the focus turns to sexual health and reproduction.

Parents stumble when their toddler asks where babies come from; they describe how they had “the talk” with their kids and survived to tell about it. Panic sets in when adults find out their kid is dating or has become sexually active. First of all, talking about where babies come from is not the same as talking about sex. Let’s all take a deep breath.

Why Are These Conversations So Hard?

“There are many personal reasons that parents feel unprepared for conversations about sex and reproduction,” says Molly Fechter-Leggett, Psy.D. “In my experience, it occurs largely in families where the adults never had healthy conversations about sex and reproduction with their parents. With no model, it can feel really scary wading into unknown waters.”

It’s not like we had much help from teachers in school either. Sexual education in this country was subpar then and there are not many signs of progress as schools continue to dangerously perpetuate the notion that the only kind of sex is heterosexual, penis-in-vagina intercourse. Currently, there are still 31 states that advocate for abstinence before straight, cisgender marriage and only 24 states actually require sex education in the first place. A mere eight states include consent as part of the conversation. And if you are hoping for LGBTQIA+ inclusive sex ed, you will only be able to find it in four states and Washington, D.C.

The ‘birds and bees’ conversation doesn’t need to be tougher, it just needs to be bigger.

While sexual health education in America stays in the dark ages, America gets queerer. Nearly 16 million Americans identify as LGBTQ according to a 2018 Gallup poll. The landscape of what makes a family has shifted as more queer people build or add to their family—specifically Millennials ages 18-35. The LGBTQ Family Building Survey done by The Family Equality Council reports that 63 percent of these queer Millennials will grow families using one of many options now available to LGBTQIA+ individuals and couples. You and your child will likely meet a family like mine.

Learning the Language

When my oldest started preschool, my then partner and I explained to the teachers that it would not surprise us if our daughter mentioned that she was made using a sperm and an egg. How she was made is as much a part of her narrative as is the color of her eyes, which is blue and also genetically from the sperm donor.

When talking about my children’s bodies and body parts I use the actual names—vagina, penis, scrotum, clitoris—because body parts are nothing to be ashamed of and there is nothing wrong or inappropriate about discussing the biological workings of our bodies.

In addition to wanting my children to be proud and informed about their conception, I started these conversations from a very early age to empower them.

Dr. Fechter-Leggett says a kid who has the appropriate language for their body parts is an empowered kid. It teaches them to respect their body and others’. “If they understand that sexual contact only occurs in consensual relationships and they know to trust their body’s signals of danger, a kid is much less likely to be a victim and much better situated for the foundation of healthy adolescent/adult sexual relationships.”

The Right Time to Talk

Melissa Pintor Carnagey, LBSW, a sex educator, social worker and founder of Sex Positive Families, agrees, “Start laying the foundation well before puberty. Sexual health isn’t just about sex. It’s integral to the human experience from birth to beyond.”

I used the book What Makes A Baby by Corey Silverberg as an aid to explain to my kids that they were created with sperm from a sperm donor who we picked through a cryobank and their other mama’s eggs. The book provides inclusive language to cover all genders and sexual orientations. This not only provides the representation my queer family needs, but it gives space to talk about modern family building. It also leaves the door open to define sex in inclusive—more than just penis-in-vagina—ways.

Pintor Carnagey adds, “When they ask questions at an early age, such as ‘where do babies come from?’ or they’re curious about naked bodies, how parents respond can pave the way for a child’s confidence in asking deeper questions as years move on. So it’s critical that parents do not avoid questions and are direct and honest in their responses. This builds trust and ensures a child will continue to ask without fear or shame.”

How to Keep the Conversation Inclusive

It’s also important to tell our kids that most sex is done for pleasure not reproduction, and not all sex can result in reproduction. Sometimes making babies does not always involve sex at all. Whether an individual or couple is heterosexual and cisgender or identifies as LGBTQIA+, fertility is never guaranteed.

“Lots of parents tell me that they worry that introducing the concepts of sex, sexuality, gender identity, reproduction, and other ‘adult’ topics will cause their children to have thoughts or feelings that aren’t appropriate for children. I try to help them to understand that children will hear and pick up all of this information implicitly and explicitly long before they think they are ‘ready,’ and that the best defense is an offense,” reassures Dr. Fechter-Leggett.

Both Pintor Carnagey and Dr. Fechter-Leggett agree that talking about these concepts does not increase the likelihood of sexual experimentation, it actually decreases it.

And you will need to be prepared to answer questions in honest and respectful ways when your child asks how a family with two dads can have a baby. Adoption, surrogacy, egg, and sperm donation are part of the ‘where do babies come from?’ conversation too. This will create allies in your children who respect diversity. It will also show your child you are an ally to them if they are questioning their sexuality or identity.

“It is crucial that discussions about bodies, relationships, and sex are open, shame-free, and inclusive,” emphasizes Pinto Carnagey. “If we limit the information we share with a child, based on assumptions about their gender identity or sexual orientation, we risk leaving them ill-equipped for safer, consensual, and pleasurable experiences with themselves and others.”

Dr. Fechter-Leggett adds, “Give kids the information they need to make healthy, safe, consensual choices about their bodies long before they are in a position to make those decisions. If we don’t talk to all kids about all kinds of sex, we risk only preparing our heterosexual, cisgender kids for healthy relationships and sex.”

All babies come from a sperm and an egg. Depending on the identity and sexual orientation of the parent(s), the logistics of how those two ingredients meet can vary. The “birds and bees” conversation doesn’t need to be tougher, it just needs to be bigger.

Complete Article HERE!

Yes, latex can be part of a healthy relationship

Busting the myths around sexual fetishism

There are several misconceptions surrounding sexual fetishism.

By

People with fetishes have a sexual attraction to inanimate, non-living objects or non-genital body parts. Any body part can become a fetish, including feet, hair, and noses.

Most object fetishes tend to be clothing items, such as stockings, latex gloves, and raincoats.

Although fetishism was once thought to be rare, this has been challenged by recent research. A survey of 1,040 Canadians found 26% of participants had engaged in some form of fetish activity at least once.

As a fetish researcher, I’m often asked if fetishism can ever be healthy. The simple answer is yes. While fetishism was once perceived as a mental illness, this is no longer the case.

According to the current diagnostic and statistical manual used to classify mental health disorders (DSM-5), a fetish is only considered a disorder in the rare instances when the fetish causes “significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning”. This means the majority of people with a fetish don’t have a mental illness.

Despite fetishism no longer being perceived as an illness, my research has found people often describe those with fetishes as “unhealthy”, “sick” or “crazy”. This false belief is problematic for those with fetishes, as it can result in stigma and discrimination.

So if fetishism is not unhealthy, why do so many people think it is? The answer to this may lie in the myths that surround fetishism.

Myth #1: people with fetishes are dangerous

As part of my PhD research, I asked 230 people to describe fictional characters with fetishes, based on manufactured scenarios. The participants frequently described the characters as “dangerous”, “creepy”, or “perverted”.

But the DSM-5 states that among sexual offenders with a paraphilia (that is, a non-conventional sexual interest), fetishism is relatively uncommon. A paraphilia that would be more common among sex offenders is voyeurism involving observing an unsuspecting and non-consenting person.

Because of the stigma associated with fetishism, most people who have a fetish hide it. These people, for whom fetishes constitute part of a healthy sexual relationship, don’t come to public attention.

What does come to people’s attention are the extreme cases of fetishism that involve criminal behaviour. For example, the serial killer Jerry Brudos, who had a shoe and foot fetish, killed four women between 1968-1969. Brudos’ case was well-documented in the media and he became known as “The Shoe Fetish Slayer”. His story has recently been depicted in the Netflix series, Mindhunter.

Although rare, these cases foster the myth that those with fetishes are dangerous sexual predators.

Myth #2: people with fetishes need their fetish to have sex

It has often been thought that those with fetishes have a disorder because they cannot perform sexually when their fetish is absent. But my research suggests most people with fetishes do routinely engage in sexual acts without their fetish, and enjoy conventional intercourse.

However, we found people with fetishes often preferred sex involving it:

I can enjoy sex very much without the involvement of rubber household gloves […] 40–50% of our sexual activity involves no clothing/items/toys at all.

[Satin] material enhances the activity. So without the [satin] material sexual activities score an eight, with the material it scores an 11 out of ten.

Myth #3: people with fetishes don’t want or need relationships

In 1912, the prominent sex researcher Havelock Ellis suggested those with fetishes “are predisposed to isolation from the outset, for it would seem to be on a basis of excessive shyness and timidity that the manifestations of erotic symbolism [fetishism] are most likely to develop”.

In other words, he believed people develop fetishes because they’re extremely shy and don’t know how to relate to other people. But this idea is based on the assumption that people with fetishes don’t have relationships and fetish sex is largely focused on solitary masturbation.

In one study of people with fetishes, we found over half of participants were in intimate partner relationships. Further, over three-quarters preferred fetish sex involving their partner or another person.

i [sic] personally love to wear latex but if my partner does as well even better!!!

If I’m with a girlfriend, I like to see her dressed in a satin chemise […] I love the way the smooth slinkiness of satin accentuates te [sic] curves and shape of the body, and the shiny reflective element makes satin a turn on visually.

Myth #4: fetishism seems strange, so it must be sick

The main reason fetishism is often considered to be a mental illness is because at one stage, all sexual interests considered to be “strange” were believed to be unhealthy. In 1968, according to the DSM-2, a sexual interest was a mental illness if the sex was “bizarre”.

Because of this definition of healthy sexuality, any form of sexuality that was not considered “normal” was seen as a mental disorder until 1994 (even homosexuality was considered to be a mental illness until 1973).

In recent years, what is seen as unhealthy sex has changed drastically. There has been a recognition that just because a sexual interest is not appealing to everyone, this doesn’t make it a mental disorder, and does not mean the individual is sick. There are many different types and ways of expressing sexuality.

As long as the sex is consensual, and does not cause harm to oneself or others, there’s no reason to suspect it’s unhealthy.

Complete Article HERE!

On Sex and Relationships for Autistic Folks

By

“One of the greatest dangers that face an autistic adult is not having sufficient information to deal with adult issues,” writes autistic romance writer Dahlia Donovan on her blog. One of the big problems, according to Dahlia, is that the information that’s out there isn’t designed for autistic folks.

The Problem: Lack of Resources Specifically for Autistic Folks

“Sex education is almost entirely written by non-autistics,” Dahlia explained.  “In my experience, it does not take into account how our minds work. We tend to be literal thinkers. We don’t ‘read between the lines.’ We also aren’t good at reading body language, other people’s expression, and tone of voice. At least, I’m not good at it. That all, to me, plays into sex education.

“I think one of the dangers, in particular, are autistics need a more detailed view on gender, sexuality, consent, etc. We’re at a greater risk of being taken advantage of because the education isn’t there. Non-autistics take for granted a lot of things that we don’t necessarily understand.”

This article is just the tip of the iceberg about these subjects. I interviewed Dahlia, as well as Dr. Jenny Palmiotto, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of loveandautism.com, about specific issues related to sex, dating, and relationships for autistic folks.

“I think one of the dangers, in particular, are autistics need a more detailed view on gender, sexuality, consent, etc. We’re at a greater risk of being taken advantage of because the education isn’t there. Non-autistics take for granted a lot of things that we don’t necessarily understand.”
-Dahlia Donovan

In this discussion, it’s important to remember that everyone’s experience varies, as does what you need. For instance, Dahlia’s experiences may resonate for some and not others. Take what’s helpful and disregard the rest.

When the World Tells You to Hide Who You Are

It’s common for folks trying to “help” austistic folks to recommend being a little more neurotypical. This can include friends and family members and even well-intentioned experts. As a result, you might’ve learned to hide things that make you different, even with loved ones.

Jenny explained it becomes common in dating relationships for an autistic person to try and change or hide who they are. “Sometimes they’ll even people-please to keep a partner satisfied or appear as a formidable mate,” Jenny explained. “Those things can be damaging in a relationship. In my opinion, authenticity is core to a healthy partnership. If you’re not being your authentic self, there’s no way for you to get to vulnerability and trust in a relationship, and inevitably that’s not going to feel good for long.”

So how do you learn to be authentic when the world has told you to hide who you are?

Start With Self-Love

“If you hate yourself, then you’re not going to get to the point where you’re in a position to give your real self to somebody else,” Jenny said. “I think that having a healthy relationship with yourself is critical to showing up in a partnership and not creating a narrative related to rejection. In that, you have to have a decent relationship with your autistic self as well.”

According to Jenny, working on a deeper self-love includes figuring out what ideals or identities you’re holding onto that don’t serve you well. For instance, believing you need to be highly sexual, or more extroverted, or more feminine or masculine in order to find love and affection.

What ideals are you holding onto that are unhealthy? How can you work to let them go and love yourself as you are?

But this doesn’t mean you have to have everything figured out.

It’s Okay to Not Understand Everything About Yourself

Dahlia hasn’t completely figured out her own sexual or gender identity: “There’s this slight detachment I have towards sexuality and gender that always leaves me baffled by it. I was born a woman, and I identify as one, but mostly I’m just like — what even is gender … of everything I’ve learned over the last ten years, it’s taken until I hit 40 this year for me to say I’m on the asexual spectrum. And even then, I’m not sure I’ll ever be completely comfortable with the idea of a sexual identity in general for myself,” Dahlia explained. “I’ve spoken to many fellow autistics who experience the same confusion.”

If you feel like there are things about sex, sexuality, gender, or relationships that you just don’t get, you’re not alone. It might be helpful to remember that nobody has everything figured out regardless of whether they’re autistic. If someone makes you feel bad for that which you don’t know or understand, that’s their problem (and there’s probably a lot of things they won’t admit they don’t understand, either).

But, as we said earlier, autistic folks have the added disadvantage of sex education not being designed in a way that easily speaks to them. Therefore it becomes more difficult to figure things out.

So how can you educate yourself? Dahlia recommends asking questions in autistic communities. “There’s a lovely online community of adult autistics who are generally really open to helping other autistics. Autistic bloggers and organizations like Autistic Self-Advocacy Network (ASAN).

The Importance of Finding Your Tribe

“When we’re with our people, whoever people are, then we are the best versions of ourselves,” Jenny said. “We’re not doing the kind of pretending or faking or fitting in. We’re just being whoever we are. It can feel remarkable when it happens, and when it doesn’t happen, it can feel like physical pain.”

It can be much harder to find your tribe with speech and mobility issues, but there are online communities that can be helpful. For instance, Twitter and Tumblr can be a great ways to find community.

Complete Article HERE!

What is a BDSM test, and what do your results mean?

Are you a master, a switch, or something else?

By

Bondage and discipline, domination and submission (D/s), sadism and masochism. Over the past few decades, BDSM has become more and more popular. Blame it on 50 Shades of Grey, loosening sexual norms, or horny millennials. Regardless, kinkiness is in vogue. And it’s easier than ever to get started if you’re interested in doing some play yourself.

That’s where a BDSM test comes in. Quizzes, checklists, surveys, and exercises can help you safely gauge your own interests as a play partner. Whether you’re a dominant, a submissive, or something in between, taking a BDSM test will help you on your road to self-discovery.

What is a BDSM test?

Why you should take a BDSM test

Figuring out what you’re interested in is difficult. BDSM quizzes let you think about your tastes and preferences in an environment where you can sit by yourself and think carefully about your desires without pressure. Especially if you’re just experimenting with kink, the first thing you need to understand is yourself. Learning how to tie rope can wait.

BDSM tests also expose you to myriad scenarios involving D/s play, master and slave scenarios (M/s), and fetishes like pet play and watersports. Reading through these scenes and figuring out whether they do (or don’t) turn you on is a great way to better understand your sexual desires. Just remember that you know yourself better than an online test. Don’t let it constrict you.

Which test should you take?

The most well-known (and arguably best) BDSM test is called, simply, The BDSM Test. The website has been around for a number of years now, and it’s one of the first online stops newcomers visit to learn more about kink, fetishism, domination, and submission. The test comes in two versions. One offers a full palette of questions, and another is built for a fast, quick result. Users can also choose to skip prompts aimed at dominants, sadists, submissives, and masochists. We recommend taking the full test for the most accurate assessment possible.

There are additional kink and sexuality quizzes out there that can help you round out your kink profile. The Beiter Sexual Preference Indicator, a 90-question sexual personality survey by psychologist and therapist Dr. John Beiter, gives respondents a profile of their sexual roles and how they experience arousal. Dating site KinkMe offers a fast, 15-question BDSM test that lets users figure out what D/s role works best for them. And for subs, Submissive Playground hosts a quick personality test. All of these quizzes are great supplements to The BDSM Test, especially if you feel conflicted with the results.

Complete Article HERE!

Science-Backed Aphrodisiacs

Exactly What To Eat To Ramp Up Your Sex Drive

by Anna Cabeca, D.O.

Suffering from a low sex drive? Try changing up your diet. What you eat can boost your libido, improve your stamina, and enhance your performance in the sheets.

For centuries, various foods have been considered aphrodisiacs. Some gain that reputation simply because they remind us of parts of the anatomy (bananas, avocado, peaches, and the infamous oyster). Spicy foods such as hot peppers cause sweating, increased heart rate, and sensations normally associated with getting it on. By virtue of their procreation status, reproductive foods and organs like fish roe, eggs, and animal genitals were believed to increase sexual desire and potency. Then there are some dishes containing vanilla or licorice that give off pleasing aromas that put us in the mood for sex.

So, maybe the answer to your bedroom woes can be found on your plate.

Foods that make you feel frisky.

Aphrodisiac foods are certainly the stuff of myth, folklore, and legend. But what does science say? As it turns out—a lot! There are several scientifically validated foods and nutrients that can indeed rejuvenate libido:

Throughout history, aphrodisiac traits have been attributed to chocolate. Turns out, there’s solid truth behind this belief. This divine and luscious-tasting food is packed with flavonoids, beneficial plant compounds that, among other benefits, activate nitric oxide (NO) in the body. NO dilates blood vessels, including those in the penis. Translation: firmer erections.

Chocolate also contains a substance called phenylethylamine (PEA), a natural amphetamine manufactured by the brain in response to the feeling of love. And PEA is believed to be responsible for that hormonal rush during sex. No wonder the Aztec ruler Montezuma supposedly swilled 50 cups of chocolate liqueur every day before heading off to his harem!

Indulging in a little chocolate won’t mess up your diet either. If you find yourself craving something sweet, enjoy a piece of dark chocolate, with a content of 75% or more cacao (the seeds of the cocoa plant from which chocolate is made). Incidentally, the cocoa plant is endowed with more health-saving antioxidants than most foods, a 2011 review concluded.

And speaking of PEA, cheese can contain up to 10 times more PEA than chocolate, making it easier to get the mood-boosting effect in a slice or two. Grilled cheese sandwich, anyone? Other foods with good PEA concentration are natto, eggs, and legumes.

Here’s a fruit that looks like female genitalia, and thus, believed by ancient civilizations to stimulate sexual desire—and it actually does. That’s because it is rich in the antioxidant glutathione, required to make sex hormones. This antioxidant also protects every cell, tissue, and organ in your body—and slows down aging. Other foods high in this cell-regenerating nutrient are spinach and the cruciferous family of vegetables (think broccoli, cauliflower, and Brussel sprouts) and mushrooms.

This sweet root vegetable is often called the Peruvian Viagra because in South America it’s commonly used to boost fertility. Grown predominantly in the mountains of central Peru, maca is a member of the cruciferous family that includes broccoli, cauliflower, Brussels sprouts, kale, and cabbage. There is plenty of research on maca, supporting both its libido-enhancing effects, as well as its ability to improve infertility. One study observed that taking maca improved erectile dysfunction; another found that treatment with maca improved sexual desire. Researchers have also found that maca improves semen quality—which leads to better fertility.

Maca powder is easy to incorporate into your daily routine. Enjoy it in smoothies and shakes, with tea, or dissolved in a glass of water.

Complete Article HERE!

No lust at first sight

Why thousands are now identifying as ‘demisexual’

By

For those who are not asexual but not celibate either, the new label is helping to define their love lives

Lidia Buonaiuto was 27 when things finally clicked and a lifelong weight was lifted: she wasn’t a freak, she wasn’t a weirdo, and she wasn’t alone in feeling the way she did about sex and relationships. She was, she discovered, demisexual.

“I don’t fancy people,” she says, almost apologetically. Demisexuality, she says, is a relatively straightforward term to describe how she identifies herself in the world: “I don’t have a primary sexual attraction to anyone the way most people do, ever. I identify as straight and I’m not in any way a prude, but I need to have a deep emotional connection with someone before any sexual feelings appear. Demisexuality is not a preference or personality trait.” She likens it to a neurological block in which she can’t form romantic and sexual connections in the “normal” way.

Scepticism abounds around emerging sexual identities, and in the case of demisexuality, which falls on the halfway mark on the asexual-to-sexual spectrum, the research is slim. Yet awareness has rocketed in recent years; according to Google Trends, searches on “demisexuality” have surged since 2009, with the most interest coming from Australia, Canada, the US, Britain and the Philippines.

Last month, in her standup show Venus, the comedian Sophie Duker discussed demisexuality with her audiences night after night at the Edinburgh fringe festival; the demisexual hashtag now has more than 2 million posts on Instagram, and almost 12,000 members on Reddit’s demisexuality sub-group. But how does it affect growing numbers of young people who identify as demisexuals?

“I understand the perspective of people who ask ‘why do you need to label everything?’,” says Buonaiuto, “but it’s been really helpful to identify with something that makes me feel comfortable about my sexuality. I’ve put a lot of pressure on myself and have had a lot of pressure from friends and family to be a way I’m not.

“I can’t have one-night stands or sexual escapades or fancy a random person who is interested in me. I don’t have that desire at all, my brain doesn’t work that way and I forced myself into situations that just ended up giving me a lot of emotional distress.”

Buonaiuto is now 30 and works as a project manager in the media. She grew up in south-east London to Italian and Jamaican parents “at the lower middle class end of things” and attended an all-girls comprehensive, where she struggled to work out why she couldn’t be like her peers; she didn’t have crushes, couldn’t relate to their conversations about sexual desire and didn’t feel anything for “objectively hot” boys who tried it on with her. Instead they tended to get “hung up” on her, she says embarrassed. “I was seen as a challenge.”

Buonaiuto is keen to stress that demisexuality does not mean she never wants to have sex.

“I’m not celibate,” she explains. “I have sexual urges but it’s only when I’m in a relationship that has come out of an intense emotional connection first. I don’t have a physical ‘type’, it doesn’t matter what they look like. My sexual fantasies are never physical, it will be about a guy coming over to me in a library, having the same favourite author, talking, bonding … I can’t feel an urge for anyone without that, and it’s so rare for me to find it at all.”

Demisexuality was first coined in an online forum in 2006 by a member of Asexual Visibility and Education Network (Aven), a website designed in 2001 to provide a resource on all things asexual – asexuality being the description for a person who does not experience sexual attraction at all.

By 2004, Aven had 1,000 members; today there are more than 100,000 registered users. It is defined as an attraction model: “primary sexual attraction is an instant attraction to people based on instantly available information such as their appearance or smell, which may or may not lead to arousal or sexual desire. Secondary sexual attraction is considered to be an attraction that develops over time based on a person’s relationship, an emotional connection with another person… Most sexuals in romantic relationships feel both primary and secondary sexual desire. The term demisexual, under this model, tends to refer to people who experience secondary sexual attraction but not primary sexual attraction.”

In 2017, Dan Savage, the sex and relationship guru behind the column and podcast Savage Love, was scathing about demisexuality, despite being considered a progressive beacon on understanding identity and sexuality. He wrote: “We used to call people who needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone people who, you know, needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone. But a seven-syllable, clinical-sounding term that prospective partners need to Google – demisexuality – is obviously superior to a short, explanatory sentence that doesn’t require internet access to understand.”

Professor Anthony Bogaert, a Canadian psychologist at Brock University, who studied the phenomenon in 2004, concluded that although less than 1% of the British population identified as asexual, more people were likely to fall into the area Buonaiuto occupies, and younger people especially.

“Demisexuality is a sexual orientation like gay or bisexual,” says Brian Langevin, executive director of Asexual Outreach. “It’s very true that demographics skew far younger and the primary reason is that the asexual community grew up on the internet. It wasn’t until 2001 that asexual people came to discuss what had always existed but now had a language.”

Buonaiuto has had two significant relationships, one for nine years and another for 18 months, but it has taken her years to get over only ever having sexual desires for her ex because it was so rare she felt that way in the first place. “When I first read about demisexuality, I felt embarrassed and sad I identified that way,” she says, “but it made sense for me.”

Freedom from sexuality is still deemed radical in a way that freedom of sexuality isn’t, but Buonaiuto thinks it’s only possible to have these conversations as younger people become more progressive and accepting. “For older generations who don’t understand, well, if it doesn’t concern them, who does it hurt?” she asks. “Let young people understand themselves better and have things that help them navigate through this crazy time.”

Complete Article HERE!

9 Ways You Can Explore Your Sexuality

By Erika W. Smith

You might have heard someone say that college is a time when everyone is sexually experimenting. But what does sexual experimentation mean, anyway? Is it about realizing what your sexual orientation is, or is it about having new kinds of sexual experiences for the first time?

Experts say it’s both. “In keeping with the definition of ‘sexual’ as a broad understanding of our physical, emotional, psychological, and social feelings, behaviors, and attitudes, ‘sexual experimentation’ can mean so many things,” Dr. Jill McDevitt, CalExotics Resident Sexologist, tells Refinery29. Sexual experimentation might look like you realizing you’re bisexual, or it might look like you figuring out you love oral sex and dislike anal sex, or it might mean both. It’s all pretty individual.

To put it another way, “sexual experimentation is allowing yourself to expand sexually by trying new, creative, and diverse things,” says We-Vibe’s sex expert, Dr. Chris Donaghue.

Basically, are you trying something sexually — whether on your own or with a partner — that’s new to you? There you have it, you’re sexually experimenting. Here are some ways to get started.

Masturbate

If you haven’t masturbated often, now’s the time to start. If you’re a pro, change up your routine: try lying on your stomach instead of your back, add lube, or treat yourself to a new sex toy. Sexual experimentation often means “touching your own body to satisfy a curiosity,” says Dr. McDevitt.

Fantasize

If you’re not sure what you’re into or who you’re into, try playing with different kinds of fantasies in your imagination, by reading erotica, or even by watching porn. Take note of what turns you on, what turns you off, and what you’re not sure about.

Think about who you’re into

Sexual experimentation “can be looking at different types of porn to see if men, or women, or both, or neither, excite you the most,” Dr. McDevitt says. Paying attention to who catches your eye on campus can help, too.

Get a partner involved

If you have a sex partner, try out different kinds of touch, positions, and kinks to see what you enjoy. For example, “try a bunch of different oral sex techniques with a partner to see what feels good,” suggests Dr. McDevitt.

Educate yourself

Seek out information on sex and sexuality — for example, visit your college’s LGBTQ+ center, read a memoir about coming out, or immerse yourself in information about sexual health.

Embrace uncertainty

If you discover something about yourself that surprises you and you’re unsure about what it all means, that’s totally fine. “Sex is fluid and it allows for a multitude of sexual experiences, ones that may push you outside the boundaries of who you thought you were — some that are confusing, others that are highly arousing, and many that are without a label or a name,” says Dr. Donoghue.

Take some time to reflect

Think about who you’ve been attracted to and what sexual experiences you’ve enjoyed, plus your current crushes and what you’re interested in trying. You might want to write in a journal or talk it over with a trusted friend.

Try something new

Curious about anal sex? Read up on how to do it safely, and then and try it. Never used a vibrator, but want to? Start shopping. Curious about a new sex position? Give it a try.

And try it again

Dr. Donaghue points out that if you try something new and you’re meh on it, you might enjoy it more the second time. “Be open to new things, and more importantly, to trying them more than once,” he says. “New partners, or new experiences with current partners, are the opportunities to expand our sexualities. If you feel safe and trust your partner, try new sexual experiences, and try them at least a few times to fully explore.”

Whatever sexual experimentation means to you, it’s always a good idea to spend some time getting to know yourself better.

Complete Article HERE!

The 5 things sex therapists want people to know

Female pleasure is equally as important as men’s

By Chelsea Ritschel

Millennials may be dating less, but that doesn’t mean they are any less interested in sex. 

In reality, sex is an important and often integral part of relationships for people of all ages, sexual orientations, and genders.

However, whether you consider yourself sexually experienced or are exploring sex for the first time, there are certain things that everyone should know when it comes to sex, according to sex therapists.

Sex therapy is a type of talk therapy intended to help couples resolve a range of sexual issues, from psychological and personal factors to medical hurdles.

Stephen Snyder MD, host of the Relationship Doctor podcast on QDT Network and author of Love Worth Making, told The Independent that the first thing anyone engaging in sex should know is that sex “is about more than just sex.”

According to Dr Snyder, couples frequently encounter an issue where they only become aroused together “if sex is on the menu”.

In comparison, the happiest couples, according to Dr Snyder, are actually those who engage in something called “simmering”.

“The happiest couples enjoy feeling excited together even when it’s not going to lead to sex,” Dr Snyder said. “In sex therapy, we call this ‘simmering’.

Simmering is essentially extended foreplay, “like what most teenage couples do in-between classes. Clothes on but definitely erotic”, Dr Snyder told us. “Simmering tends to keep the fire lit – so when you actually do have sex, you’re not starting off cold.”

This can mean engaging in foreplay such as kissing or rubbing, without intending for it to lead to sex. 

Foreplay is especially important because it prepares the body both physically and psychologically for when you do have sex.

Dr Snyder also told us that he wants people to know that “not all orgasms are created equal” – and that couples should aim to enjoy sex without focusing solely on reaching orgasm.

“Ideally, orgasm should be like dessert: a great way to end a fabulous meal, but hardly the reason you went out to dinner,” he said.

However, when it does come to orgasms, Sari Cooper, a sex therapist and the director of Centre for Love and Sex, wants women to know that “their pleasure and orgasms are equally as important as their partner’s”.

According to a 2017 study published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, 37 per cent of American women require clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, compared with just 18 per cent of women who said that vaginal penetration alone is enough.

In comparison, one study found that men reach orgasm 85 per cent of the time.

Cooper also told us it is important for women to know that sex should not include pain. While there are various reasons that a woman may be experiencing pain during sex, with dryness the most common cause, that does not mean it is not normal, and those who do experience pain should seek professional help.

Finally, Cooper wants people to be aware of what she calls “sex esteem” – a term she coined to “articulate a person’s knowledge and acceptance of their desires and skills needed to express these to a partner”.

To achieve a healthy and fulfilling sex life, it is essential that you are able to discuss what you want from a partner, which starts with first understanding your own body, sexuality and desires.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

Spider boys and gay armadillos…

The best adult Twine games

By

Play them all from the comfort of your browser.

Twine is a powerful game development engine embraced by queer developers, adult content creators, and interactive storytellers. Contemporary Twine games push the engine’s boundaries, while older ones are still a fresh breath compared to the mainstream games industry’s hyperfixation on cisgender and heterosexual relationships. And yes, that extends to adult Twine games, too.

Whether you want to hook up with a shy spider boy or serve a domineering office mistress, itch.io has you covered. Listed below are our top recommendations for 18+ Twine games, especially for queer players.

The best adult Twine games

1) Most realistic BDSM Twine game: A Bunny and Her Mistress

Care, boundaries, and consent are vital parts of any bondage, dominance, sadism, and masochism (BDSM) play session. But most games with kinky sex sidestep realistic depictions of domination/submission (or D/s) play. Dragons-bondage’s A Bunny and Her Mistress challenges that norm. The game stars players as “Bunny,” a submissive girl serving her mistress one step at a time. But instead of railroading players through the game’s BDSM encounter, dragons-bondage lets players choose to continue on with a scene or pause and ask for aftercare. So if spanking isn’t quite your thing, or if you’re not into hardcore D/s play, you can tap out at any time and let Mistress praise you for your obedience. Well written, blatantly queer, and ridiculously hot, A Bunny and Her Mistress is an easy choice for BDSM practitioners getting started with Twine.

2) Top adult Twine game for furries: Sent to the Office

Sent to the Office is a dream come true for furries, queer trans girls, and monster girl kinksters alike. The game stars players as the lowly, subservient plaything of a domineering dog girl (or “sexy, curvy bitch,” as the game says) sitting in a short skirt with her “fat bulge” visible and “so much… cleavage” exposed. From there, players embark on a journey filled with ogling, degradation, and everything from pet play to lactation. Clocking in at 15,000 words with over a dozen different endings, Sent to the Office is available as a pay-what-you-want Twine game on creator ikksplicit’s itch.io. Players can also test the game’s opening and try out some of its endings with the Twine’s free demo.

3) Best gay adult Twine game: Big Armadillo Boyfriend

There’s something beautiful about Big Armadillo Boyfriend. Developed by Colin Spacetwinks, the game focuses on the player character’s long-distance relationship with his boyfriend Gene. Like the name implies, Gene is an enormous, adorable armadillo. He’s also a great boyfriend with his own complicated life story to share. With the player in town for the weekend, the two go on dates together, learning more about each other and sleeping together. Featuring a “novel length” story with “no ‘bad ends,’” plenty of date scenes, and several 18+ scenes, Big Armadillo Boyfriend is a wholesome and realistic portrait of gay love and dating in Anytown, U.S.A. The game is available on itch.io for $3 or more, along with a free demo of the first day.

4) Best erotica Twine game: Night on a Web

Before gamers debated Cyberpunk 2077’s gender options, Twine developers were giving players the option to choose their gender and junk separately. AzureMagician’s Night on a Web is a perfect example. The Twine game follows an anonymous protagonist visiting an abandoned mansion where an introverted spider boy lives by himself. Before starting the game, players are allowed to experience the game as either a man or a woman, along with deciding whether they have an “innie” or “outtie” (that is, a penis or a vagina). It’s a pretty inclusive option, letting players star as canonical trans women and trans men (albeit nonbinary options are sadly missing).

Part exploratory adventure, part romance, Night on a Web is a slow burn compared to some of the other games on our recommendation list, but that’s part of its appeal. Expect some tender, erotic human/monster boy segments filled with kissing, headpats, bondage, and bottoming for a cute, powerful boy.

5) Overall best adult Twine game: The Godhood Chronicles

Paper Waifu’s The Godhood Chronicles is incredibly hot. Part role-playing game, part erotica tale, the player stars as a god brought down into the world and desired by the women around him. Sex scenes are incredibly well written, and they also come with a lot of interactivity. Players can be as gentle or as rough as they want with their mortal lovers, whether that’s kissing your priestess softly or forcibly ripping off her clothes.

For the time being, The Godhood Chronicles is on hiatus while Paper Waifu plans to port the game to a new engine. For the latest public build, fans can head on over to the game’s itch.io, or they can access the patron-only version by pledging to Paper Waifu’s Patreon.

Complete Article HERE!

The Pros and Cons of Being in a Polyamorous Relationship

by Dr. Jenn Mann

A polyamorous relationship is the practice of having intimate, emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person with the consent of all involved. Polyamorous people may have a commitment to more than one person they are in a relationship with. It can also mean a committed couple has invited a third partner into their relationship, who would be considered secondary to the primary lovers. It is not just about sex, it is also about emotional connection and developing romantic relationships.

Whether you need to worry about your friend entirely depends on the kind of relationship she’s in, and many poly relationships are built on honesty and trust that do make for a healthy expression of love and safe environments in which to explore. Plus, it’s not as rare as you think.

According to a 2016 study published in the journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, it has been estimated that 21 percent of people have had a non-monogamous relationship. In my observation in my own clinical practice, this is becoming more common. For exactly what it’s like to be in a polyamorous relationship, I’ve broken down some pros and cons that tend to come up.

The Pros of Polyamory

On the positive side, people who are in polyamorous relationships have some great tools for their relationship to work well: communication and honesty. Whether or not you choose to be in this type of relationship, we can all benefit from these skills.

Honesty: Most couples who are in non-monogamous relationships tend to be extremely honest and transparent about their feelings and desires, both emotionally and sexually.

Proactive problem-solving: Non-monogamous couples tend to do regular appraisals of their relationship and discuss their observations with one another. If one person feels the relationship is getting boring or stale, these couples tend to process such speed bumps with one another and make a plan of action, rather than allowing things to fester unresolved.

Rules and boundaries: Non-monogamous couples have rules about their relationships, lots of them! They work hard to establish clear guidelines and boundaries in order to make the experience of sharing their love with others emotionally safe for all involved. They know what flirting, conversations, sexual contact, and phone contact is out of bounds and what is acceptable. Too many monogamous couples make assumptions about what is OK and what is not without discussing with their partner.

The Cons

Non-monogamy can have its downsides. Bringing a third (or more) party into your relationship can create a distraction from the emotional connection between the two of you. In my clinical experience, it dilutes the intimacy in a relationship when partners spread themselves thinner. Here’s more on the less-than-optimal conditions polyamory can create.

Jealousy: Eventually, someone has feelings toward someone. I have seen way too many jealousy issues arise and emotional bonds form as a result of what was supposed to be meaningless sex, or a primary partner starts to feel secondary and gets hurt.

No new tricks: Sacrifice creates trust and bonds people to each other. Resisting the normal urge to have sex with other people shows a level of commitment and sacrifice that makes the relationship stronger. Bringing a new person into the mix can prevent you from putting energy and creativity into your sex life and relationship with your partner. You’re no longer working to up your game and figure out new fantasies to explore, techniques to try, and preferences your partner may have that you haven’t yet probed — or worse, you’re doing that with someone else.

The wrong fix: Some couples turn to polyamory for the wrong reasons, thinking bringing a third into their sex life will patch up some different issue entirely. While the addition of others in your relationship may be exciting, it does not solve the longer-term, bigger issue of how to keep things fresh in your relationship and how to become a better lover to your partner.

If you are going to have a polyamorous relationship, make sure that you and your partner clearly define the rules, limits, and boundaries of your arrangement. Communication is of the utmost importance. In situations like this, faithfulness is defined by honoring those commitments and boundaries. Keep your promises, but also leave room to renegotiate, in case either one of you has different reactions than you expected. Understand that both partners must agree to change the terms of a relationship, and consent under pressure does not count as a collaborative agreement. If you think your friend has entered into this unconsciously or without her full consent, then yes that’s cause for concern. If she’s all-in and working to love all members of her relationship fairly while getting a bounty of love (and great sex) in return? She’s probably doing just fine.

Complete Article HERE!

What Can Brain Scans Tell Us About Sex?

By

Men have a far greater appetite for sex and are more attracted to pornography than women are. This is the timeworn stereotype that science has long reinforced. Alfred Kinsey, America’s first prominent sexologist, published in the late 1940s and early 1950s his survey results confirming that men are aroused more easily and often by sexual imagery than women. It made sense, evolutionary psychologists theorized, that women’s erotic pleasure might be tempered by the potential burdens of pregnancy, birth and child rearing — that they would require a deeper emotional connection with a partner to feel turned on than men, whose primal urge is simply procreation. Modern statistics showing that men are still the dominant consumers of online porn seem to support this thinking, as does the fact that men are more prone to hypersexuality, whereas a lack of desire and anorgasmia are more prevalent in women. So it was somewhat surprising when a paper in the prestigious journal P.N.A.S. reported in July that what happens in the brains of female study subjects when they look at sexual imagery is pretty much the same as what happens in the brains of their male counterparts.

The researchers, led by Hamid Noori at the Max Planck Institute for Biological Cybernetics in Germany, weren’t initially interested in exploring sexual behavior. They were trying to find ways to standardize experiments that use functional magnetic resonance imaging (fM.R.I.) to observe how the brain responds to visual stimuli. In order to do that, they needed to compare past studies that used similar methods but returned diverse results. They happened to choose studies in which male and female volunteers looked at sexual imagery, both because doing so tends to generate strong signals in the brain, which would make findings easier to analyze, and because this sort of research has long produced “inconsistent and even contradictory” results, as they note in their paper. Identifying the reasons for such discrepancies might help researchers design better experiments.

A search turned up 61 studies that met Noori’s criteria for inclusion: Healthy adult men and women of different sexual orientations (including bisexual and transgender subjects) who had rated erotic images in terms of how arousing they were. Those participants had then been put in an fM.R.I. scanner — which detects changes in blood flow associated with neuronal activity — and been shown the most arousing images as well as neutral, nonsexualized ones. What Noori’s team found was that image type — whether it was a picture or a video — was the strongest predictor of differences in which parts of the brain became engaged. Unexpectedly, the weakest predictor was the subjects’ biological sex. In other words, when men and women viewed pornographic imagery, the way their brains responded, in the aggregate, was largely the same.

This latter, more provocative finding yielded the paper’s title, “Neural Substrates of Sexual Arousal Are Not Sex Dependent.” Headlines followed, along with controversy in the cognitive neurosciences. Researchers whose work has shown differences between men’s and women’s brains viewing sexual stimuli objected to such generalization. But the purpose of statistically analyzing many studies together, a process called meta-analysis, is precisely to be more conclusive: The goal is to reveal global patterns that smaller studies can’t.

The science of sex is inherently paradoxical. For centuries, social stigma, prejudice and misogyny have condemned as aberrant sexual pleasures we now know are healthy. Yet despite the growing realization of how much outside views shape even our most private behavior, we can still experience the mechanics of our own desire — never mind that of others — as a fundamental mystery. Noori’s team is trying to shed light on a big part of that lingering mystery: If men’s and women’s brains respond similarly to sexual stimuli, what accounts for the apparent differences in how they approach sexual practices?

Answering that question means connecting the dots from what triggers the firing of specific neurons to how those firings give rise to the myriad thoughts and feelings we have about sex to the actions we take in response to them. Knowing what all this should look like neurologically could give clinicians more ways to treat the 43 percent of women and 31 percent of men who, according to the Cleveland Clinic, report problems in their experience of sex. “Issues of sexual behavior and sexuality are highly associated with mental health, with life satisfaction, even with physiological health,” says Justin Garcia, director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. That makes it crucial to find out what “the constituent parts” of sex are.

In fact, it is still extremely difficult to interpret what activity in a given region of the brain really means. When viewing erotica, women often (and far more often than men) experience a disconnect between their physiological arousal — measured by genital temperature, wetness and swelling — and what they describe feeling. This could mean that they do not realize or do not want to divulge that an image is turning them on, or that they believe an image is or should be arousing when it isn’t, physiologically. That dissonance raises a host of complications. To what extent do cultural attitudes toward pornography — historically, women have been shamed for consuming it — influence both our subconscious and conscious responses to sexual images? Because neuroimaging has been available for only the past 30 years — Noori analyzed studies from 2001 and later — there’s no way to compare similar scans from the ’50s, say, and see how shifting norms might have changed the results.

Complicating things further is the multifunctionality of brain networks. In 2017, Janniko Georgiadis and Gerben Ruesink, at the University Medical Center Groningen in the Netherlands, published a review that showed seemingly distinct patterns of brain activity for wanting sex, liking (or having) sex and the opposite, inhibiting sex. The broadness of these categories shows how opaque those concepts are. Melissa Farmer, a research assistant professor in the department of physiology at Northwestern University, points out that “desire might be anything from when you see someone up until you act on that and approach them. That’s a lot of steps.” Neuroimaging has the potential to delineate those steps more precisely and objectively than self-reporting possibly could.

But even “objective” brain activation can be ambiguous. In a previous study, Georgiadis found that in women, the same areas that tend to become active when viewing sexual imagery that neuroscientists have deemed pleasing also became active in response to photos of vomiting or feces. What scientists tend to regard as “arousal” on brain scans could also be its opposite, or perhaps some combination of each. Likewise, it’s conceivable that the “sameness” Noori found in male and female brain activity indicates that characteristics we’ve defined as opposites actually overlap. In 2015, researchers led by Daphna Joel at Tel Aviv University published an article that analyzed more than 1,400 M.R.I.s of male and female brains and concluded that in most brains, certain regions might be more “male” while others are more “female,” creating a unique gender “mosaic” that defies either-or classification.

Sexual behavior, in turn, is inextricable from other behaviors. Indeed, as Georgiadis and Ruesink point out, the same “sometimes quite generic” brain activity associated with erotic stimuli is also part of how we process “reward, memory, cognition, self-referential thinking and social behavior.” We use the same neural processes to determine if a sexual experience is valuable and worth repeating as we do for food and drugs. A more complete mapping of how men and women respond neurologically to pornography, and how that affects their behavior, might thus offer a model for explaining happiness or addiction.

“In the brain, sex is everywhere,” Georgiadis says, and recognizing its interactions with other mental processes might also argue for a different, less binary definition of it, both as a behavior and as a biological classification. As neuroimaging enables a more granular view of brain networks, we may find that new labels are needed. That could even argue for dispensing with categories like “desire” and “arousal” or “male” and “female” in favor of descriptors that better capture how those concepts intermingle and connect with others.

Complete Article HERE!

How to talk to your children about sexual consent

By

Parents and caregivers often wait until their children are older to talk about sexual consent. And many parents often leave “the sex talk” altogether – hoping that schools will do it instead. The most recent guidance for teaching consent under the relationship and sex education curriculum simply advises that lessons should be provided before the end of secondary school. This could leave many young people without information about sexual consent before becoming sexually active.

Reports from 13,000 adolescents in the UK age 11 to 13 suggest that intimate activities such as holding hands, kissing and sexual touching is normal for this age group. Many of the adolescents reported having kissed by age 12 and having been touched or touched a partner under clothing. But without receiving lessons about consent, young adolescents could be engaging in sexual activity without agreement.

Reports from 13,000 adolescents in the UK age 11 to 13 suggest that intimate activities such as holding hands, kissing and sexual touching is normal for this age group. Many of the adolescents reported having kissed by age 12 and having been touched or touched a partner under clothing. But without receiving lessons about consent, young adolescents could be engaging in sexual activity without agreement.

My ongoing PhD research looks at early adolescents’ beliefs about negotiating sexual consent for sexual activities. And I have found that, while young people in this age group understand sexual consent, it can be difficult for them to apply their understanding of consent to situations of sexual coercion. This is sexual activity that occurs as a result of pressure, trickery, threats or nonphysical force.

My research shows that, as early as age 11, both boys and girls buy into gender stereotypes of sexual behaviour – such as that the girl decides if sexual activity will happen. My research has also found that these young people endorse constructions of rape culture, specifically that of victim blaming.

It seems then that young people need guidance beyond just learning about consent when it comes to their romantic relationships. Here are four ways to teach children about consent, based on my research.

If it’s not yes then it’s no

Encourage the use of verbal, affirmative consent for every sexual activity, every time. The only way to be 100% sure that a partner consents is to receive a clear “yes”. Remind young people to check in with their partner. They can ask questions such as: “Is this okay?”, “Can I…?”, “Hey wanna…”

Another way to double-check how a partner feels is to check their body language and facial expression. Does their body language and facial expression match what they are saying? Are they moving in or pulling away from being kissed or touched?

Don’t fear rejection

You also need to talk to your child about rejection. Young people may be afraid to ask for consent because they fear rejection, instead opting to “just go for it”. Remind them that it is better to ask and be told “no” than to just go for it, seem aggressive and risk making their partner feel uncomfortable – possibly ruining the relationship.

Also, young people often report not wanting to say “no” to someone they like because they don’t want to hurt their feelings – potentially going along with unwanted sexual activity. Suggest ways they can respond to their partner. For example, “I like you, but I’m not ready” or “I don’t want to” or “no, not yet”. These suggestions, which came up in my research, come directly from young people about how they think best to handle rejection.

Tackle the power of pressure

It’s important to also talk to young people about pressure. This can include pressure from partners or peers. Remind them that it is never okay to make someone take part in a sexual activity. This includes making the person feel guilty for not doing it, blackmailing or tricking them. There cannot be consent if a person feels pressured to engage in a romantic or sexual activity – this includes pressure to send and receive sexual images (sexting).

Empower young people to tell someone if their actions or words are making them uncomfortable. Moreover, teach young people that pressuring someone to engage in a romantic or sexual activity won’t make a person popular or “cool” but instead makes the person seem “creepy and desperate”.

Deconstruct stereotypes

Finally, challenge myths about girls and sexual activity – specifically, that girls are solely responsible for sexual activity occurring (if it occurs, she “let it happen”). From a young age, girls in our society are simply taught to “keep safe” with messages like “just say no” and “don’t let him…”. Stopping at these messages suggests that if something does go wrong, it is the girl’s fault.

An additional myth to challenge is that clothing can indicate consent. Certainly, some clothing can be “sexy” but that does not mean the person wearing the clothing is consenting to sexual activity or deserves to be disrespected.

It’s clear then that not only should the topic of consent be included when having “the talk” with kids, but young people should also be taught about consent through an ongoing dialogue. This should include conversations on acknowledging and respecting boundaries and discussions on healthy relationships.

Talking to young adolescents about consent can be difficult for parents and caregivers, because no one has all of the answers and consent can be tricky to understand – even for adults. But there are many free resources available from reputable organisations such as TeachConsent, RAINN and the Child Mind Institute.

Complete Article HERE!

How Much Sex Is Normal?

How does your sex life stacks up?

By Kristine Tarbert

The question of whether or not a couple is having a ‘normal’ amount of sex, when compared to others, is one of the most common questions asked of sex and relationship therapists.

And while it sounds like a simple question, therapist and author of Sex Down Under Matty Silver, reveals it does not have a simple answer.

As it turns out there is actually no right or ‘normal’ number of times a couple should be having sex. Because, as Matty explains, a couple’s sex life is affected by so many different factors including age, lifestyle, each partner’s health, and sex drive.
Here, Matty writes why sex isn’t always the main factor when it comes to a great sex life:

Where the real issue lies

This issue often comes up when the couple has what is called mismatched libidos.

If she likes to have sex four times a week and he only once or twice, they want to find out who is the ‘abnormal’ one.

It is actually quite common for a couple to have different levels of desire, and it does not generally reflect a lack of love. It is not that easy to find a partner with the same sex drive as you.

In my experience, there are happy couples who have sex every day, have sex once a week or once a month. It’s not a matter of quantity but quality.

More important than the frequency of sex is how satisfied couples are with their sex lives. Less sex doesn’t automatically equate to less love, happiness and fulfilment, especially for couples who have been together for a long time.

For them, companionship, trust, and mutual reliability are often more important than lots of steamy sex.

What counts as sex?

Another problem of estimating sexual frequency is that people often only consider sexual intercourse as having sex.

Many other activities can be considered sex, such as oral sex, genital touching, mutual masturbation or just affectionate behaviour such as kissing, cuddling, caressing and holding hands.

All these activities are also associated with higher sexual satisfaction for both men and women.

A ‘sexless’ relationship

Most sex therapists agree that couples having sex less than 10 times a year could be labelled a ‘sexless’ relationship.

A lack of sex doesn’t always mean that the relationship is in trouble, as long as both partners are satisfied with the frequency.

In most relationships, sexual satisfaction is a measure of the entire relationship. If a once-satisfying sex life becomes one in which sex is infrequent or non-existent, it’s more than likely that other aspects of the relationship are unsatisfactory.

But in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationship can be overtaken by feelings of anger, disappointment and detachment which can lead to infidelity or divorce.

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual Bereavement

A small special gift for those who grieve

Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved -By Joan Price

By Rae Padilla Francoeur

The mind and body aren’t always in agreement. Someone grieving the death of a beloved partner can be gobsmacked by sexual arousal. Such unexpected, often unwanted feelings in the peak of grief trigger shock and shame, further traumatizing the grief-stricken.

Humans are complicated creatures, as author and expert on senior sexuality Joan Price so aptly demonstrates in her newest book, “Sex After Grief.”

“It’s time to talk out loud about sex and grieving,” she writes. “There are many books about grief after loss of a beloved, but they almost never talk about sex.”

Price consults experts in the field of grief as well as those grieving the loss of partners for materials for this book. She also draws from her research as well as her Grief Journal and her Memory Journal that she kept after losing her husband, the love of her life found later in life. She delivers a small, special gift to those attempting to reconcile warring emotional and physical responses during bereavement. What may seem like chaos is natural and normal, she reassures those in the throes of great emotional tumult.

Price, 75, lost her husband Robert Rice in 2008 and spent several years not just grieving but learning about loss and grief. She had four grief counselors throughout her journey from someone rocked by devastating loss to a generous and compassionate sage.

A knowledge of grief along with her expertise in the field of senior sexuality — she has written four other books on senior sexuality and is a sought-after speaker internationally — prompted Price to more deeply investigate the topic of sexuality and grief. Loss of an intimate partner can happen at any age. Grief isn’t the exclusive realm of the elders, sadly, and “Sex After Grief” will resonate with many seeking guidance and support after loss such as divorce, rejection or other circumstances.

The many voices in this book are smart, well-spoken and insightful. Grief seems to open an exquisite, poignant dimension where the bereaved exist in a state of extremes. Emotions, thoughts and experiences are charged and precious. Those transitioning from this stage are changed, says Price. And while they are vulnerable, apprehensive and unsure, they are also wiser and courageous.

Price’s “grief journey” lasted 10 years but during that time, she allowed herself many helpful experiences including forays into the realm of friends with benefits, erotic massage and online dating. She made sure, at every juncture, that she paid attention and honored her inclinations. Her decision to keep two journals, one she filled with good memories of her husband and one about her grief, gave her some of the material she needed to structure and write this book.

White-knuckle grief, “skin hunger,” guilt, disloyalty, loneliness and isolation, and even loving memories clog the path forward. Price writes of “halting steps” toward a place where grief exists but doesn’t always sear. Every loss is unique, every person is unique and, therefore, every journey is unique. Price’s chapters about myths, grief counselors, dating and “pilot light lovers” (those who ignite dormant passions) are all especially meaningful in that they explore experiences, sexual orientation and concerns.

Price speaks candidly about sexuality and the ways sexuality changes with age. The primary audience for this book, people over 50 (perhaps), will not be surprised by what they read. Older people know sexuality doesn’t necessarily diminish with the advent of age and age-related impairments. Older people happily accommodate. Senior sexuality still seems like something of a secret that Price is trying to bring out in the open. Wouldn’t it be nice for Millennials to know, for example, that their sexuality isn’t subject to obsolescence? People of all ages keep at it, often until a final severe illness brings a close to that part of normal and natural functioning. One of the key attributes of this book is an absence of hedging and judgment. Price has a way with candor. Sexuality is. And it’s there, even in dying and death.

Price, too, has found delight and pleasure in her sexuality once again. They exist in concert with a grief that has moderated with time and hard work.

Complete Article HERE!