By Kara Jillian Brown
We’ve all heard the maxim that you can’t really love someone else until you love yourself. A few prominent experts contend the same logic applies to sex, sexual energy, and your identity as a sexual being.
And really, it makes sense: “The most important sexual relationship you will ever have is the one that you have with yourself,” says sexuality doula Ev’Yan Whitney. “Your sexuality isn’t meant to be activated by someone else. You are a fully autonomous, sexual human being with your own needs, your own desires. It’s essentially your job to make sure that you cultivate a relationship with your sexuality.”
And while masturbation is a great way to connect to your sexuality, Whitney says it’s far from your only option. You don’t need to engage in any physicality at all. Instead of framing sexual energy as something that manifests during sexual activity, she says we can frame our sexual embodiment as a character trait that’s always with us rather than a hat we only wear when things take a turn for the dirty. Think of it as doing energetic kegels—you can access it always and no one has to know. Like, always. Even while sipping coffee or taking a walk or, even watching paint dry, you’re still a sexual being.
“Your sexuality is a fundamental part of you that needs to be put into every aspect of who you are,” Whitney says. “I’m not talking about humping things. I’m not talking about like flirting with people. I’m talking about you having a connection and a belief and an intention that says, ‘I am a sexual being here, as I sit, at this at this coffee shop.’ There’s a freedom in that.”
Okay, great, but…um how? Unlike doing something like your daily kegel reps, which you can know you’re doing even though no one else can tell, harnessing your identity as a sexual being isn’t so checklist-friendly. Below, find a few tips tapping into your sexuality in a way that’s uniquely and authentically you.
Become in tune with your senses
Tyomi Morgan-Nyjieb, a certified Authentic Tantra practitioner and certified sexologist, explains that there’s a difference between sensuality and sexuality, and that to best experience the latter, being able to access the former is a necessary prerequisite.
“Sensuality is being connected to your senses. And being connected to your senses means being connected to life, because now, you’re really being aware of how you are taking in, or experiencing the world around you through your five senses,” says Morgan-Nyjieb. “So if we can learn how to tap into that energy through our senses first and learn how to receive pleasure through our senses first, then people will feel more comfortable, when even connecting to their sexual energy. ”
Practice sexual self-care
According to Whitney, sexual self-care can be anything you do that brings “mindfulness and intention to your sexual energy. So it can literally be any sort of self-care act that you do regularly,” she says. “It’s all about, saying affirmations, saying intentions, and being very present to those affirmations and those intentions.”
Really this can be anything, even simply hydrating: “When you’re drinking water, it’s having this intention that I am nourishing my sexual body as as water is coming into my, my belly and like cleansing my pores,” Whitney says. Or, if you’re prepping your skin for a sheet mask, try thinking of washing your face as connecting to your sexual body and your sensuality in the moment.
Learn how to channel your sexual energy and own it
Maybe embodying your sexual energy means dressing to the nines every day, or maybe it means repeating mantras that remind you of your sexual autonomy. “There’s no right or wrong way to do this, because it’s all about mindfulness,” Whitney says. “It’s all about intention, about being receptive, about finding space to connect with your sexual energy.”
Once you’ve found comfort in your sexuality, you can use it to fuel you throughout your day. “Because we all come from sexual energy, sexual energy is creative energy,” says Morgan-Nyjieb. “When people feel aroused, sometimes that’s that creative spirit saying, ‘Hey, you have all this extra energy right now. Let’s put it into the project, let’s put it into making a difference, let’s put it into building up ourselves.’”
And this can make your sexual experiences, both solo and with a partner, more fulfilling. “The more sexual autonomy I have, I’m able to ask for what I want in the bedroom, I’m able to be more connected to my body on like a daily basis,” says Whitney. “It’s a holistic and beautiful way to connect with all parts of yourself.”
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