Everything You Need to Know About Sex After Divorce

Getting back out there may seem tricky, but we’ve got ways to keep your mind and body healthy and happy.

Are you recently (or not so recently) divorced and out there in the dating world for the first time in, well, what feels like forever? Getting to the part of a new relationship where you take off your clothes can be challenging, or even downright intimidating. That’s where we come in. From our viewpoints as medical pros—Lauren Streicher is an ob/gyn and her daughter Rachel Zar is a relationship and sex therapist—we can help you navigate the tricky mind and body issues that arise.

Get over your anxiety around dating

Many people assume that relationship and sex therapists only focus on people in committed relationships, but many of my single (or newly single!) clients are actually sorting through the complexities of dating—from choosing the right app to choosing the right partner. And as women get older, anxiety around dating goes up. Maybe it’s been years since your last first date (and now you have to learn how to swipe?!), or your internal clock is ticking, or it simply seems more complicated now to find someone to have fun and socialize with.

Still, there are many reasons why dating gets better with age. First of all, those rumors you’ve heard about the dating pool shrinking are a myth; in fact, right now there’s the largest population of single adults in history (chalk it up to the increased acceptability of divorce as well as more people staying unmarried by choice).

But let’s say you’re over 40—libido and sexual pleasure go down with the years, right? Wrong! Research shows that 53% to 79% of older adults who have a partner are sexually active, and it turns out age and menopausal status are not significantly related to overall sexual satisfaction. Even most sexually active adults over 60 are satisfied. Age often comes with an added dose of self-understanding, which does wonders to counter issues caused by the anxiety of our younger years.

Dating gracefully at any age can be difficult. The biggest issues I see single women struggle with—whether they are new at the dating game or have been doing it for years—are confidence and communication.

Limit your online stalking to a quick search

By the time you’re well into adulthood, bringing someone new into your life doesn’t just mean getting a plus-one for parties and regular sex; it also means fitting another human’s habits, friendships, schedules, and past on top of your own. Dating and relationships are all about that give-and-take—and compromise is trickier and a little uncomfortable when we’re set in our ways.

Knowing this may send you straight to Google before each date to try and prejudge whether he (or she) will be compatible with you—but that’s a surefire way to kill the thrill of getting to know someone new. If you’re meeting a person from a dating app or as a blind setup, there’s no harm in doing a quick search to make sure he actually exists and isn’t on any terrifying registries. But I caution my clients away from getting sucked into the online wormhole. Think of how you would feel if, before a first date, this new person had already been judging your past partners on Facebook, scrutinizing your job history on LinkedIn, and even scrolling through your high school yearbook (yes, many of these are online now). Some of the fun of dating is letting information roll out slowly over time and staying curious about each other. Jumping to the finish line takes away the mystery (an important component of eroticism and attraction). It also doesn’t allow you or your date to pick and choose how and when you share certain information.

Decide how and when to disclose your “baggage”

 

Deciding when to reveal not-as-much-fun details to a new partner—from past heartbreaks to current hardships—is complicated. And the older we are, the more baggage we accumulate. But how soon is too soon to share your most private truths?

Let’s start with the basics: When it comes to sharing information about sexually transmitted infections, a good rule is to do so before things go below the belt. Yes, you know the odds of passing on that well-managed, yet still very real herpes infection you caught in college are low, but it’s still important to let your partner know before there’s any chance he could be infected. Potential sexual partners will take cues from you on how they’re expected to react, so if you do your homework, have your facts ready, and calmly mention it and assure him you’re on top of it, he’ll be more likely to respond calmly too.

What about other life issues you aren’t sure about sharing? The etiquette around that kind of information gets trickier, so your best bet is to trust your gut. I’ve worked with clients who feel that all their “stuff” (say, a diagnosis of depression, an aging parent they care for, or a history of abuse) must be put out there on a first date so potential mates know what they’re getting into. But remember, emotional safety is just as important as physical safety; sharing sensitive pieces of yourself should only be done with those who have earned that right. If a new suitor you don’t yet trust reacts strongly to an early share or an over-share, it may leave you feeling raw. My advice is to start lighter and gauge how safe you feel with a person before you reveal your most vulnerable aspects—and then when you do, you can assess whether he’s a good match for you. If he judges you for seeing a therapist, he’s not going to be a supportive partner long-term. If he freaks over the idea of visiting your dad’s retirement home, he may be fine for a casual relationship but not a good fit if you want something serious.

Rediscover what feels good in bed

Revealing your private parts is a big step in any dating relationship, one that should be handled with confidence and care. The great thing about having a little more experience is that you may have developed a better understanding of your body—of what feels good, of what feels great, and of what feels oh-my-God fantastic. If this doesn’t apply to you, there’s no time like the present! Give yourself a massage in the bathtub and focus on how your body feels instead of how it looks. (Scrutinizing every stretch mark and wrinkle isn’t sexy.) Notice that stroking your inner thigh gives you goosebumps or that your nipples are extra sensitive. Knowledge breeds acceptance, and acceptance breeds excitement. The more you know about your unique body, the more you’ll be able to communicate to your partner.

That communication is what separates mediocre lovers from great ones: Studies have shown that couples who talk about their sexual wants and needs report higher satisfaction. Once you know what works for you in bed, let partners know with a direct conversation (most people really want this information!). Tell them where you like to be touched, what kind of touch you love, and any specific acts you know lead to bliss. A simple “harder,” “slower,” or “more to the right” can do wonders in the heat of a moment. And if it’s difficult to find your voice, your hand can be a great guide.

Whether it’s online, on a first date, or in the bedroom, the more you’re able to really show up—being honestly and authentically you—the more success you’ll find and the more fun you’ll have with the new people in your life.
Protect yourself (and your partner) from STIs

When you become sexually active with a new partner after a divorce, the reality is that unless he (or she) is a virgin, you need to think about avoiding a sexually transmitted infection (STI). And midlife women are at much greater risk for STIs than most people appreciate—many of my patients seem to think chlamydia, gonorrhea, and herpes are limited to 20- and 30-year-olds who are having random hookups. Trust me, it’s not as if these bugs ask to see proof of age before infecting someone.

Another thing to know: Women are at higher risk than men, since STIs are more easily passed from male to female than vice versa. In fact, if exposed, a woman is more likely than a man to contract hepatitis B, gonorrhea, or HIV. The risk is even higher for postmenopausal women, since thin vaginal walls are more likely to get microscopic tears during intercourse, creating an easy portal for infection. Women who have common STIs are less likely to have symptoms than men, which means diagnosis is often delayed or missed.

That’s why the age group in which STI rates are rising most rapidly is that of adults at midlife and beyond. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reports that the rate of gonorrhea cases among U.S. women ages 40 to 64 increased over 60% between 2013 and 2016. Chlamydia and syphilis are also on the rise.

A lot of women are reassured by the fantasy that the typical midlife guy is “low-risk,” especially if he’s just ended a long marriage. That’s true if he and his wife were monogamous—but a lot of marriages end because someone wasn’t monogamous. And if you’ve had the thought, I’m not worried…he’s a nice guy, I’ve got news for you. Sometimes the nice guys are the ones most likely to have an infection. Face it: Creepy guys probably have a harder time getting someone to sleep with them.

The solution? Know your enemy (the bugs, not the guys) and protect yourself.

Don’t be a “just this once” person

 

Here’s what you may have told yourself: I’ll always insist on a condom, so I have nothing to worry about, right? Not really. Condoms are not foolproof. First of all, HPV, herpes, and a number of other STIs live not in semen but on skin, so intercourse isn’t necessary to transmit them. Since a condom covers only the penis, short of strapping on a garbage bag to cover a man’s scrotum, anus, and surrounding skin, there is no such thing as total protection.

Still, using a condom consistently remains the best way to lower your risk of getting an STI. But studies show that single women in midlife with new partners rarely report consistent condom use. (I even hear this from my very responsible, hyperaware patients.) For those who are over 40, here’s one possible reason: Women over 40 are generally dating (surprise!) men over 40. Sometimes way over 40. In general, the older a guy gets, the more difficulty he has in getting and maintaining an erection, even in the best of scenarios. Add a few glasses of wine and a condom, and it’s game over.

So while my patients all intend to use condoms, they often don’t. I see and treat a lot of infections in women who decided to skip the condom “just this once.”

Don’t be one of those women—and don’t depend on a man to be prepared. You should have an assortment of male condoms on hand. (Be sure they are all marked “extra-large”!)

The female condom hasn’t caught on yet, but it’s a very viable option. A soft, thin nonlatex sheath, it’s designed to not only cover the cervix and vaginal walls but also shield the outside of the vagina. No special fitting is needed: One size fits everybody.

As my daughter said, talking to a partner about your respective STI histories and current status is key. To do this, you need to be screened—especially important since the majority of these infections have no symptoms in their earliest stages. Despite what you may think, screening for STIs is not done automatically when you go to your doctor, nor is it part of a Pap test. So if your doctor doesn’t bring it up, you need to ask. There’s no need to go into lengthy explanations; simply say, “I’d like a screen for sexually transmitted infections today.” Your doctor will not be shocked. Really.

Okay, now you’ve got both the mind and the body prep from us—go out there and have some fun!

Complete Article HERE!

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