[T]here have been times when friends, family and random strangers will ask why I don’t just write about ‘normal sex’.
I’d love to. Believe me, I enjoy it as much as the next person.
It might save that awkward moment on the phone when I have to explain I must dash off in order to finish a blog about small penis humiliation, or have to leave a coffee date because I’ve had a great idea about foot fetishists.
I went on a date recently and had to awkwardly explain what I did for a living.
The reply was a meek: ‘I just like vagina, is that OK?’
Of course it’s OK. It’s absolutely OK. You like vagina all you want, buddy.
Unfortunately, it does seem that unless you have a fetish, your sex life is automatically thought of as somewhat underwhelming.
Not true. Unfair. I call a stewards enquiry on that.
Instead, it’s perfectly fine not to have a fetish.
Not everyone wants to cater a kink, and that’s OK.
We have so many terms for various sexualities these days, but when you’re happy being kink-less, you get lumbered with the term ‘vanilla’, and not even a spot on a rainbow flag.
Vanilla is such a rubbish phrase. Vanilla is boring, it’s plain. It’s the last ice cream in Tesco.
Vanilla shouldn’t mean what it does: that you don’t enjoy kinky sex.
You are not plain, or boring, and the kink community really needs to stop using disparaging words to describe people who aren’t into BDSM (Bondage, domination, sadism, masochism)
On the flip-side, they also need to stop using rather audacious terms to describe themselves.
My red flags go up when I see someone’s dating profile refer to them as ‘interesting, adventurous, or experimental’.
Somehow, they believe a Fetlife account and spreader bars have turned them into Bear Grylls.
I’ve seen enough ‘kink-lover’ profiles in my time to assure everyone out there that no-one is a better human because they like kinky sex. That’s not how life works.
Unfortunately, this use of language seems to put a lot of pressure on people to ‘spice things up a bit’, and their first port of call is kink.
Here are a few of the worst reasons why, if you’re just not into it, you shouldn’t do it.
‘It might spice up our sex life’
Many things will spice up your sex life without BDSM being involved.
Think really hard about what makes you tingle. Is it being tied up? Cool, but consider what the chances of your partner also getting turned on from tying you up are.
What if they like to be tied up too? And after that, what then? I’m afraid you really will have to put some effort in.
Couples seem to jump to kinky sex without stopping at communicating with each other.
One of my most popular requests as a sex worker was ‘tie and tease’, where I would tie someone up and was supposed to tease them with activities they would enjoy.
When I asked them, however, what it was they would like to try, their answer was always, ‘Do whatever you want.’.
This would give me carte blanche to f*** off and watch EastEnders for an hour.
Basically, if you’re not committed to telling your partner what you want to try, and are the kind of person who will say, ‘Just do whatever you want’, then it all seems a little half-arsed.
Do some research, find some beginners’ guides, and try to state what things you would definitely like to do.
‘It’ll make me interesting’
In my experience, partners who I have met on the kink scene pretty much only talk about the kink scene.
TED have worked out that the best amount of time for someone to talk about a subject and keep people engaged is 18 minutes.
If you go beyond that then I am ready to dig your tongue out with hot knives, no matter how great you are at Shibari.
What makes someone interesting is passion, drive, knowledge – not what they like to get up to in the bedroom.
‘Maybe my partner will like it?
Oh hunny, no.
Don’t ever go doing something because you think your partner will like it.
If they do, what then? You’re stuck doing something you don’t really get much of a kick out of.
If anything, kink and BDSM is about reciprocal appreciation. As a dominant, a lot of submissiveness felt gratification from our activities together because I’m getting off on it, and vice versa.
It should be a lovely Fibonacci spiral where you’re both feeling pleasure from each other’s enjoyment, not an abyss you fall into because you both think that’s what each other wants.
That, right there, is a black hole.
Know who else like vanilla sex?
Christian Grey. Yep, I said it. If you actually watch the films – because god knows I’m not reading the books – he doesn’t actually do very much in the way of BDSM.
He ‘likes to f***. Hard’, but everything else is just gilding the lily.
Sure, he might tie Anna up sometimes, but otherwise he’s as vanilla as custard.
It’s not hard to discover if something turns you on or not, but don’t launch into something because you think the other person might like it or because you think it will add a new and interesting dimension to your personality.
At the end of the day, I’m super happy with my dates giving my vagina a thumbs-up.
If anything, that’s pretty integral to the whole shebang.
I’m happy for anyone to have a fetish, or a kink, but the main thing I want, and I think I speak for most people here, is to be able to have a great conversation, easily won laughter, and a connection that will survive an onslaught of bad puns.
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