It is important to ask a few questions before getting jiggy with someone new.
[N]o, you don’t need to treat it like a job interview unless of course that’s your thing.
But there are a few things you should find out about the person you are about to get intimate with.
Perhaps it is checking they are happy to partake in certain kinks or all important questions about sexual health and protecting yourself against unwanted pregnancy.
Lianne Young, qualified nutritionist and sex and relationship therapist, is on hand to help you work out what needs to be asked before you get it on.
1. What kind of relationship is this?
Lianne explains why this should be your first question: ‘Firstly, the most important questions to ask will help you work out if your chosen partner is looking for an emotional or physical relationship.
Make sure you are both on the same page because if one of you is looking for more or less from the relationship then it may be wiser not to jump into bed together and make things more complicated.
Sex therapist Lianne also suggests asking what they see as a relationship, for example, is it exclusive dating or can you date others?
And, if this is an emotional relationship, she suggests making sure your life goals match up before you get too involved.
Do they want children? What do they want out of life? What are their life plans?
While you wouldn’t ask the ‘kids question’ to someone you were just engaged with physically, going too far down the path with someone who wants something entirely different to you can end up hurting.
‘After all,’ says Lianne, ‘would you invest in something if you knew it was only temporary? Probably not.’
2. What protection shall we use?
‘Got a condom?’ might not be the sexiest of questions but it is the most important question to ask.
Whether it is just purely a sexual relationship or long-term commitment, once you have established where you stand it is important to both decide what protection you are going to use.
At all times use precautions and, particularly if this is a casual relationship, never believe them if they say they have regular health checks so have no STIs.
‘Remember condoms can break, so you will also need a back up plan.
‘Also, maybe one of you is allergic to latex or silicon-based condoms so you need to make sure you have the necessary protection ahead of time.’
3. Do you want to try…?
Sex is best when everyone is on the same page.
While you may want to do x, y or z in the bedroom, it is important to check that your partner is comfortable too.
Consent is incredibly important, so make sure you both agree on what you expect will happen and what you’re both happy to do or have done.
‘Remember, when it comes to sex, no one has a road map to get you to your final destination – the orgasm,’ says Lianne.
‘Talk openly about what you like so your partner can satisfy you and vice versa.
‘The most important one is to remember sex is about fun not just about reproduction and it’s ok to enjoy yourself.’
If you’re a bit too shy to say these things face to face, sexting might be an easier what to start the conversation.
But always remember that what they might say to you over a text message, may not be something they would be happy to do in reality.
Start a conversation about it: ‘You said in messages you would like to [xxx], shall we try it?’
4. Does that feel good?
There’s no good you getting cramp in your tongue, thighs or whatever body part you’re straining to pleasure your partner if they are lying there wishing it would be over.
Check what you’re doing feels good for them and get them to instruct you if it could be better.
Same goes for you, if you’re not feeling a certain move let your partner know.
Be kind though ‘That feels awful’ will probably kill the mood where as ‘move your [xxx] left/right/wherever’ will help you and them out.
5. Is there anything you don’t like?
Lianne says it is important to ask because: ‘You need to know each others’ boundaries and have respect for one another.’
6. Do you play safe?
If you are in a long term relationship, Lianne does not advise asking about someone’s sexual history – including their ‘magic number’.
‘It’s history plain and simple. It’s the future you should be concerned about.
‘However, if it is just a physical one then these questions are important to ask.
‘How many other partners do they sleep with, and do they play safe each time?’
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