[T]he hottest sex I’ve ever had started with a question, when a former partner leaned in close to my ear and said, “What have you always wanted to do?” We had amazing sex that night, because I finally felt free to speak up about different positions I had wanted to try, like face-sitting. But that one question also opened us up for more creative sex for the rest of the time that we were together. We tried ice play, and hot oil massage candles, and had a thrilling almost-got-caught moment in a bar bathroom.
While a lot about seduction can be non-verbal, that night helped me recognize that asking questions can be just as sexy as lighting candles and dimming the lights.
“Questions like that can build the anticipation and the foreplay,” says Megan Flemming, PhD, a sex and relationship therapist in New York City. She suggests building that anticipation throughout the day, by posing sexy questions to your partner in text or email in the morning, that way they’ll be thinking about what they want to do to you (or have you do to them) all day. Logan Levkoff, PhD, a sexual health educator and member of the Trojan™ Sexual Health Advisory Council, says that Post-It notes could also be a fun and sexy way to build this anticipation for anyone who feels too awkward talking “dirty.”
While it’s generally good practice to ask questions about what your partner wants from sex, there are certain ways to bring it up that will make it feel less like a clinical Q&A and more like the beginning of an adventurous night. Ahead, we’ve rounded up a few questions you can use as inspiration to get the conversation — and the foreplay — flowing.
What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?
Why it works: Asking your partner to describe their best sexual experience (in vivid detail, of course) not only gives you an idea of what they want in bed, but also serves as verbal erotica.
What do you think about anal sex/BDSM/other kinks?
Why it works: Asking about kink in a noncommittal way tells your partner that you’re interested in hearing about their kinks, which will help them open up about any they’ve been wanting to explore. If it feels too awkward to bring up, you can always say that you read about anal sex or bondage or whatever else you want to try on a website or in a magazine, and you just want to know their thoughts.
What’s your biggest sex fantasy?
Why it works: Have your partner describe exactly what they’ve been fantasizing about, and then do it (as long as it’s legal and consensual, of course). Win-win.
What movie scene really turns you on?
Why it works: Movies and TV can help you realize fantasies you never even knew you had. Have your partner tell you which scene gets them going, then watch it together for inspiration.
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