My problem is Sexual dysfunction, I can have a hard on and keep it for penetration but if I have to use a condom I lose my erection, most of the time. I also take to much time to cum. Most of the time I loose my erection and I can’t finish what I’ve started. I would like to find a solution for this, because I have been like this for a long time, and it is really frustrating for me. I do appreciate your help and look forward to hear from you.
— Miguel.
Sounds to me like you’re racing to the finish line. Hey, where’s the rush? You may be experiencing a bit of performance anxiety, but I don’t think it’s a full-blown sexual dysfunction quite yet.
Look for the category pull down menu in the sidebar to your right. Scroll down till you find the category — Sex Therapy. Under that category you will find a subcategory labeled PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.
You’ll find loads of information about this issue in both written and podcast form.
Here’s an example of what you’ll find…
Simply put, there’s a difference between the psychosexual response we have when we are alone and the one we experience with a partner. There’s probably nothing wrong with your unit. It’s all in your head…or your mind, to be more exact. And I’m not being flippant.
Here’s how performance anxiety works. Say I have a less than satisfying sexual experience for one reason or another. Before I know it, I’m replaying the incident over and over in my mind’s eye till that’s all I can think about. The proverbial molehill has become a mountain, don’t ‘cha know. I then bring my anxiety to my next encounter. My hyper self-consciousness primes me for more disappointment. And I’m all prepared to interpret the disappointment as a failure. Well, you can see where I’m going with this, huh? My fears become self-fulfilling and I find I’m beginning to avoid partnered sex and my relationship flounders, I develop a full-blown sexual dysfunction and my self-esteem takes a nosedive. My preoccupation with my problem makes it less likely that I’ll be fully present during sex with my partner, which pretty much scuttles my sexual responsiveness and any hope for spontaneity.
Get thee to a sex-positive therapist ASAP! Believe me this is nothing to fool around with. Check out the directory at The American College of Sexology for a therapist near you. If you can’t find anyone near you and you really need to talk to someone, check out my Therapy Available page. I do remote therapy/counseling via Skype or phone.
When I see this sort of thing in my private practice, I always begin the therapeutic intervention by calling a moratorium on fucking of any kind. This immediately takes a great deal of the pressure off the couple. From there we begin to rebuild the partnered psychosexual response one step at a time. We begin with sensate focus training, stress reduction and relaxation exercises. I have the greatest confidence in this method; it succeeds over 90% of the time.
Good luck