Look ma, no hands!
Hey there sex fans!
Welcome to another edition of Product Review Friday!
The Dr Dick Review Crew is at it again. In fact Review Crew members, Glenn & Hank, have been HARD at work reviewing a male masturbation device. And they’re here to tell us what kept them so preoccupied.
RealTouch interactive sex device for men —— $249.99
Glenn & Hank
Glenn: “Have ya ever lusted after a sex toy? Have ya ever wanted something so bad that you were willing to do just about anything to get your grubby little hand on one? Well, that’s how we felt about the RealTouch.”
Hank: “Damn straight! We started seeing ads for this device a few years ago. We begged Dr Dick to get us one to review. He said he contacted the RealTouch people directly for a unit to review, but never heard back from them. We figured we were simply out of luck.”
Glenn: “That is till a few weeks ago when the good doctor called me with the news that he had a RealTouch to review. I almost wet myself over the good news.”
Hank: “Glenn couldn’t keep the good news to himself, so he called me at work. ‘Drop by Dr Dick’s on your way home and pick up our new review product.’ Typical of Glenn, he wouldn’t tell me what was so important. I had to find out for myself.”
Glenn: “I wanted Hank to be as surprised as I was. And sure enough, later that day, he comes bounding through the door like a puppy with this big box under his arm.”
Hank: “Big box is an understatement. It’s huge! Ok, for those of you who have been living under a rock for the last few years and missed all the ads for the RealTouch, we’d better start with what it is. It’s a high tech, multi-media jackoff machine. I kid you not.”
Glenn: “The box is so huge because it has a shit-load of parts. Each part is individually wrapped so that by the time you’ve unwrapped everything you barely have the energy assemble it. And it does require lots of assembly. Besides the ginormous RealTouch unit itself (3.5 lbs mind you), there are cords, power adapter, a ‘USB Mini-Tower’, instruction manual, a DVD, and a small bottle of lube. Holy shit!”
Hank: “When we had everything unwrapped and laid out in front of us, we both looked at each other in amazement. Here’s a tip: you absolutely need to follow the extensive set of instructions provided in the package or you will be totally lost. Don’t even think that you’ll be getting to use the RealTouch right out of the package.”
Glenn: “By this time, I’m seriously beginning to reconsider my lusting after this monstrosity. In addition to having to assemble the thing ya gotta install a software application on your computer. Ya know, I think we forgot to mention that this jerkoff machine only works in response to specially prepared videos. Neither Hank nor I could figure out the software installation instructions. We actually had to call the customer service line for help. We were thinking to ourselves, what kind of person works for the call center for RealTouch? They must get off on fielding calls from frustrated masturbators. It’s also super creepy knowing that RealTouch knows when you are using their product. They know who you are and where you live and they can tell when you’re connected and logged on to their web site. This privacy concern really put me off.”
Hank: “Since the RealTouch works with online videos you absolutely need to register your unit. There are 10 free videos scenes, both gay and straight, that come on the DVD inside the package. But the corker was we couldn’t tell what content the free videos contained; we had to search for the gay themed videos. Of course, if you’re willing to shell out even more money than the $250 you’ve already spent on this appliance, you can purchase or rent lots of other videos. The RealTouch video library is searchable by category or sex act. Just so you know, you can’t use any of your own videos in conjunction with the RealTouch. What a racket!”
Glenn: “But wait there are more headaches to come. Part of the assembly requires you to fill the special lube reservoir in the unit prior to use. And you have to do this each and every you use the blasted thing. Ya see, the lube is automatically dispensed during use. And guess what? You’ll need 3.5 ounces of lube to fill the thing. That’s right; on top of all the other expenses involved with this monstrosity your lube budget will go through the ceiling.”
Hank: “Are we having fun yet? So the parts that come in conduct with your cock, basically two belts with tracker-like treads are made from soft TPE (Thermoplastic Elastomer). When the RealTouch is working properly the belts rotate in an attempt to replicate the feel of the action being displayed on the video. Frankly, after all this setup and frustration I was completely under whelmed by the sensations.”
Glenn: “We had to clear off our entire computer desk just to accommodate this thing and all its wires, cords and power adapter. I watched Hank readied his cock and insert it in the RealTouch. I held my breath. If that thing injured my man’s precious johnson there would be hell to pay.”
Hank: “Glenn is real protective of my cock. The instructions say the RealTouch has a vaginal depth of 9”. I’m hung 9”, and I’d say they are exaggerating things considerably. And despite the fact that it’s as big and bulky, most of the action was concentrated on my dickhead. I couldn’t say it was doing much of anything for the shaft of my cock. And this thing is fuckin’ LOUD!”
Glenn: “And what’s all this about vaginas? What about assholes? I’d be willing to wager that a good portion, if not the majority of guys who buy this behemoth are gay. The manufacturer doesn’t even tip his hat in that direction. The packaging is all straight-oriented too. It’s like they’re totally clueless.”
Hank: “Oh, and the RealTouch heats up too. It’s supposed to heat to body temperature, but I think the one we got was defective, because it overheated. It was actually too hot. While the belts do provide a variety of sensations, there’s nothing special about them. I kept thinking to myself, ‘when are we gonna get to the good parts?’”
Glenn: “I stood aside and watched in amazement. The RealTouch was churning away gobbling Hank’s hog. It was a sight to see. Remember all that lube we added to the reservoir? Well, the unit is supposed to “get wet” like a real vagina by releasing that lube as it churns away. (I wouldn’t know about that!) But before ya know it the RealTouch began to leak lube everywhere. WTF? Who’s gonna clean up this mess? Luckily we didn’t’ get any lube on the keyboard or mouse. But that’s only because Hank had the foresight to bring a big damp towel to his RealTouch session. He had to thoroughly wipe his hands before he touched the laptop. There’s nothing that ruins an erotic moment like worrying about getting things messy.”
Hank: “It’s true. What a disaster! And the clean up? Forgetaboutit! You not only have to disconnect the RealTouch from its power source and the computer, but you have to disassemble the unit itself. A good portion of that lube we put in the reservoir was wasted. I had to take the blasted thing into the shower with me to clean it.”
Glenn: “In the end I decided not to even bother trying it myself. You talk about being disappointed.”
Full Review HERE!