So ya finally decided to become a B.O.B. (Big Old Bottom)? Tired of missing out on all that ass-play everyone’s talkin’ about? Been secretly trippin’ on the exploits of your favorite porn stars? (“Jeez, would ya get a load of that. His hole looks like the Victory Arch in Paris, for god sake.”) And now want a piece of the action for yourself? But wait, there’s a wrinkle, you’re a virgin or worse yet, there’s been an “Exit Only” sign on your poop chute for so long that the mere thought of someone diddlin’ your ass hole makes you blanch and swoon.

Dear Dr. Dick, Help! I want to be a bottom; at least I think I do. My boyfriend’s been begging for my booty big time, (my girlfriend just got herself a strap-on, YIKES!) but I’m just too tight down there and he’s really big (and she thinks turn-about is fair play). Our play time always end the same way, frustration for him (her) and a pain in the ass for me. How do those porno guys and gals do it?

First off, darling, “porno guys,” as you so lovingly refer to them, are professionals (yeah, huh!). And Dr. Dick suggests that a novice butt pirate like you not try that fancy stuff at home before you know the basics.

So listen up, bottom wannabes, pleasurable buggering depends upon on three simple, but important things: 1) The will, 2) Being relaxed and 3) A considerate partner.

First. You gotta really want to get fucked. This may sound elementary, but it’s not. Some of my clients secretly confess that they don’t anyone near their precious tushie, and no amount of pleading and whimpering on the part of their long-suffering partner(s) is gonna change that. For some getting it up the ass is associated with domination not pleasure. Manly men don’t bottom for nobody. (Oh sure Mary, me thinks you doth protest too much.) Others have religious reservations. (If god wanted me to get fucked he would have given me a vagina.) Still others have aesthetic concerns. (Oh no, that’s way too icky and messy.) I can assure you that these boys ain’t never gonna be a bottom no how.

Second. Let’s just say your dyin’ to get fucked, but you’re so intimidated by your top’s one-eyed monster that your quivering asshole is like totally shut down. Chill out! Why not begin your sex play with your partner giving you a relaxing sensual back rub. After awhile he could move on to a little butt play (and I do me play). The object here is pleasure not penetration. Have him tease your asshole with his finger. A tongue works nicely too. (This is called rimming, but you probably already knew that, because you’re not a complete idiot, huh?) A gentle circular motion works best. Have him use his hands to spread your ass cheeks, this will give your top better access to your rosebud and give you a double dose of pleasure. After a while, a lubricated finger can be inserted for a bit of a prostate massage, which is ohhh sooo delicious. When you’re ready to kick it up a notch, have your partner try inserting two fingers or a small dildo. Rhythmic deep breathing will help keep you relaxed. And when you’re all loosened up and ready to become like one of them “porno guys or gals,” you can him plug in the real thing. No more meat substitutes for you. Experiment with different positions. Try sittin’ down on that big old thang, or do it doggie style. Getting laid while on your side with your man comin’ at ya from behind gives you a bit more control over the depth of his thrusting. And of course, there’s also the traditional missionary position; you on your back, legs spread eagle and your pumps pointing to the stars.

Third. Having a big dick doesn’t automatically make a guy a good top. A considerate partner, big dong or not, will happily join you in exploring your asshole. He will concentrate on pleasing you first, because he knows that an investment in your anal pleasure today will reap a harvest of mutual pleasure tomorrow. (Coming soon! Dr. Dick’s tutorial for tops. Don’t miss it.)